Part 8: Let's Go to Earth, Weirdo
THE HUM OF THE NANCY SINATRA.
ALICE
So. Pirates, huh?
LEIF
I guess so.
ALICE
... So if you’re a pirate now does that mean I’m the equivalent of the little parrot on your shoulder?
LEIF
No, I don’t think so.
ALICE
... It’s confusing because becoming a pirate is inherently funny, but you don’t seem to want to joke about it.
LEIF
... Not right now.
ALICE
... I know I wasn’t there when you were a prisoner but based on what you’ve told me, there was really no other way out of that situation.
LEIF
I know...
ALICE
But I know you care about Verge. I know it couldn’t have been easy.
LEIF
The problem I seem to be having, is that it was easy.
ALICE
Ah.
LEIF
It worries me sometimes. How easy it is for me to walk away from things.
ALICE
... Leif how deep do you want me to dip into psychotherapeutic response protocols right now?
LEIF
Please don’t. I’ll be fine. Verge’ll be fine. Let’s move on.
ALICE
Okay... According to what you’ve told me, we’ve got about 8 days left of this Rumspringa we’re in.
LEIF
Rumspringa?
ALICE
Yeah. It’s an Earth thing. The Amish do it, you’re familiar?
LEIF
Yeah.
ALICE
Before young people come of age they get a small amount of time to go totally nuts and do all of the not-Amish things they can think of. I guess this period of time Minsky gave you is the opposite, you have a few days to do any non-pirate things until you go full pirate.
LEIF
I see.
ALICE
So what’s on the list?
LEIF
What’s the opposite of being a pirate?
ALICE
I don’t know. Something boring, I guess. You want to go be an accountant for a day? Adjust some insurance claims?
LEIF
No.
ALICE
... Leif, is there anyone you need to say goodbye to?
LEIF
... Yes. But I’m trying to avoid it.
ALICE
Let me know how that goes.
LEIF
What’s the date on Earth?
ALICE
It is November 21st, the year 2000.
LEIF
Shit. Okay.
ALICE
What’s the big deal?
LEIF
Nothing.
ALICE
Oh wait... Okay.
LEIF
What?
ALICE
You need to go home.
LEIF
... Maybe.
ALICE
It makes sense.
LEIF
Does it?
ALICE
Yes. I mean, you should probably check in with people back home since you’re about to be walking around with a peg-leg and a hook for a hand.
LEIF
How many bad pirate jokes do you have in your database exactly?
ALICE
Soooooo many. Incoming call from BertBert.
LEIF
Thank God. Put her through.
BERTBERT
... Oh, hello.
LEIF
Hey, Berts. Who’s trying to kill you this time?
BERTBERT
Only my mother.
LEIF
That sounds complicated.
BERTBERT
She’s a little protective, Leif.
LEIF
I got that sense.
BERTBERT
So I’m sure you can imagine the talking to I got when she found out I was almost executed by the Science Priests of Moog.
LEIF
Kinda wish I was there to see it.
BERTBERT
I’m sure.
LEIF
My name come up at all?
BERTBERT
Oh yes it did, Leif. In fact she wants you to know that she has basically adopted you in absentia. You are her favorite person now, I think she’s trying to get you citizenship.
LEIF
How nice.
BERTBERT
I tried to explain to her that in the process of saving me you also killed literally all of the science priests and destroyed their temple, and, oh, the moral back-bends she did perform, my friend.
LEIF
I feel like what our friendship really needed was your mom saying nice things about me.
BERTBERT
Yeah, there’s a whole new level of loathing I have for you now.
LEIF
So you’re essentially calling to let me know that me saving your life has only made you hate me more.
BERTBERT
Correct.
LEIF
Well, thanks for the update.
BERTBERT
Where are you right now?
LEIF
Fuck, I don’t even know. Alice, where are we?
ALICE
Just outside of Garrion.
BERTBERT
Aha. That explains the talking in real time. I just left Sigius.
LEIF
Where are you headed?
BERTBERT
Literally anywhere. The Sigian government put me in protective custody until the Moog bullshit got ironed out. As soon as they lifted the protection I was out the door, but I don’t have any assignments so I’m killing time by yelling at you.
LEIF
Glad I could help.
BERTBERT
I’d ask you what you were up to but that would make me an accessory to a crime.
LEIF
Yeah... hey... actually... do you want to come to Earth with me?
BERTBERT
Really?
LEIF
Yeah, have you ever been?
BERTBERT No.
LEIF
There’s a holiday I’m going back for.
BERTBERT
What holiday?
LEIF
Thanksgiving.
BERTBERT
This is the one with the bird? There’s a big bird?
LEIF
Yes, the big bird one.
BERTBERT
Hmm. And that’s all you’re going back for?
LEIF
Yes.
BERTBERT
Zero crime?
LEIF
No crime at all, I promise.
BERTBERT
Well... I guess I should go at least once.
LEIF
Sure.
BERTBERT
For research.
LEIF
Of course.
BERTBERT
Deep background stuff.
LEIF
Whatever that means, sure.
BERTBERT
Okay. When?
LEIF
I’m going to change course right now. Can you meet me at Sirius Station?
BERTBERT
Yeah, okay. Sure.
LEIF
Great.
BERTBERT
One thing though.
LEIF
Okay.
BERTBERT
I still despise you and everything you stand for.
LEIF
Got it. See you soon.
LATER. BERTBERT IS NOW ABOARD AND TALKS FROM THE BEDROOM.
BERTBERT
(From the bedroom.)
So anyway, going to Earth is not like going to other places, you have to take a bunch of precautions. Luckily I was able to throw things together at the last minute.
LEIF
Like what, you have to get vaccinations or something?
BERTBERT
(Coming out onto the bedroom.)
It’s kind of like going to a national park or something. You have to make sure you’re not going to upset the delicate balance.
LEIF
I think we’re upsetting the delicate balance pretty well on our own.
BERTBERT
I have to get screened for viruses so I don’t unleash some unholy plague on the populace. I have to pass a written test to make sure I’m going to respect cultural norms.
LEIF
We have cultural norms?
BERTBERT
Have you been to Charamy (Shar-may)?
LEIF
No.
BERTBERT
On Charamy they greet each other by spitting on the ground. Stuff like that.
LEIF
I see.
BERTBERT
The most important thing is this...
BEEPS AS A SMALL DEVICE POWERS UP.
LEIF
What’s that?
BERTBERT
It’s an Earthsuit.
LEIF
Is that to protect you from pollution or something?
BERTBERT
No, it’s a disguise.
LEIF
Really?
BERTBERT
Leif. Look at me, I’m from another planet. I can’t walk down main street Earth looking like this.
LEIF
Oh, right.
BERTBERT
Are you sure you’re one of the smartest guys on your planet?
LEIF
There may be some gaps in my awareness.
BERTBERT
When you go to Earth you wear one of these, an Earthsuit. You wear it on your wrist and it generates a field that makes you look like a generic Earthling.
LEIF
Fascinated to know what a generic Earthling looks like, fire it up.
BERTBERT
Here we go. Becoming an Earthling. Very excited to burn fossil fuels and worship some sort of sky god.
BERTBERT ACTIVATES THE EARTHSUIT.
BERTBERT (CONT’D)
... Okay.
LEIF
Look at you.
BERTBERT
I’m an Earthling.
LEIF
Yes, you are.
BERTBERT
This is so weird.
LEIF
It’s freaking me out.
BERTBERT
I like my hair, it’s very... Hmmm.
LEIF
What?
BERTBERT
Do I look familiar to you?
LEIF
No.
ALICE
Um...
BERTBERT
What?
ALICE
BertBert, where did you get this Earthsuit from?
BERTBERT
Well, like I said I was in a rush so I had to get a refurbished one at Trunder’s Down Under. What?
ALICE
It may have needed a little more refurbishing.
BERTBERT
Goddamnit. What?
ALICE
Bringing up pictures of Julia Roberts.
SEVERAL PICTURES OF JULIA ROBERTS APPEAR ON THE HEADS UP DISPLAY.
BERTBERT
Motherfucker.
ALICE
Yeah.
BERTBERT
I look like Julia Roberts.
ALICE
You look like Julia Roberts.
BERTBERT
I look exactly like Julia Roberts.
LEIF
Is this bad? Who is she?
BERTBERT
Would you watch one movie from your planet, please?
LEIF
I did, I watched Blade Runner, was she in Blade Runner?
BERTBERT
Of course it was Blade Runner.
LEIF
What does that mean?
ALICE
Julia Roberts is currently the highest paid actress on Earth.
LEIF
Good for her.
BERTBERT
Yes, congratulations Julia, but this is bad for me, Leif.
LEIF
Is it?
BERTBERT
The point is for me to be incognito. I can’t go down to Earth as the most recognizable woman on the planet.
LEIF
Julia Roberts is the most recognizable woman on the planet?
BERTBERT
Yes!
ALICE
Actually according to metrics that is technically Oprah Winfrey so... dodged that bullet.
BERTBERT
Thanks.
LEIF
Am I the only one who doesn’t understand the fascination with people who act in movies?
ALICE
Sociologists describe it as an inherent desire in former monarchical societies to have a stand in for a royal family that people can admire.
LEIF
That’s interesting.
ALICE
And then after you’re done admiring them, ridiculing them and ruining their lives.
LEIF
Actually. This might be okay.
BERTBERT
How?
LEIF
You’d be in trouble if we were headed to a normal part of Earth but we are decidedly not doing that.
BERTBERT
We’re not?
LEIF
My parents are societal drop-outs. They don’t have a television, they don’t go to the movies. They don’t participate in popular culture. To them you’d be just another person. We’re not going to be walking down main street Earth, we’re going to be deep in the woods.
BERTBERT
So I’m going to walk in the door and nobody’s going to recognize me even though I’m the second most famous woman on the planet?
LEIF
Yes.
BERTBERT
You’re sure?
LEIF
Pretty sure.
BERTBERT
... Okay... Okay... I mean, I look good.
ALICE
You look great.
BERTBERT
This hair is really something. Let me see if I can do that hair toss she does... is it... like that?
ALICE
Oooh, you’re really close. About 10 degrees to the left.
BERTBERT
Okay, let me try again.
LEIF
What is happening?
BERTBERT
Wait.
LEIF
What?
BERTBERT
I bought a second hand Earthsuit.
LEIF
Yes.
BERTBERT
That just happens to look like a famous actress.
LEIF
Right.
BERTBERT
... This was used for a sex thing, wasn’t it?
ALICE
It was absolutely used for a sex thing.
BERTBERT
UGH!...
ALICE
Sorry.
BERTBERT No!
ALICE
I mean, maybe not!
BERTBERT
I feel like I’m covered in goo now!
ALICE
But you don’t look like you’re covered in goo, and that’s the important part.
BERTBERT
This is the type of dirty that doesn’t wash off.
ALICE
I loved you in the Pelican Brief.
BERTBERT
Alice.
ALICE
Sorry.
LEIF
Think of it this way, at least you’re not a prisoner of the Science Priests of Moog.
BERTBERT
That experience did considerably lower the bar on just about everything.
LEIF
Perspective is a magical thing, isn’t it?
ALICE
We’ve cleared the warp gate. We’re now inbound for Earth.
BERTBERT
... Hey, Leif, do you mind if I ask you something?
LEIF
Go for it.
BERTBERT
How come Verge isn’t standing here looking like Julia Roberts right now?
LEIF
Not really their style, I don’t think.
BERTBERT
Leif.
LEIF
...
BERTBERT
What happened?
LEIF
... One of the first things I learned was Newton’s Law of Motion. I’m a little jealous of Newton. Things were a lot simpler for him. An apple falls on your head, you write a few things about it, and just like that you’re a god of physics... The laws of motion are simple and elegant and, for me, infuriating. In a nutshell the laws of motion say: if you do something, something will happen. And I really hate that. Because I can control wether or not I do something but I have zero control over what happens when I do it. And that very simple, very basic thing, that thing that everyone accepts... It just makes me want to yell at the stars. Why is the designing principle of this universe so fucking terrible? Why does this universe only work if everything is completely out of our control? It’s not a mode of being, it’s a hostage situation.
BERTBERT
Could you maybe say that again but wear a little beret and smoke a cigarette while your doing it?
LEIF
I’m being serious.
BERTBERT
I know. Look... You’re right. My first few years out here in the wider world have really taken a tire iron to my idealism... I believed something really simple: people should know what’s happening in their world. It’ll inform their decisions. I believed in it so much that I almost died for it, as you recall... Lately I’ve reached this point where I’ve been wondering, “Am I doing anything?” “Is any of this having the intended effect?” “Am I, when I do anything, really just spinning some random wheel of results?”
LEIF
And what if that’s all you’re doing?
BERTBERT
You mean what if I put on the beret and smoke the cigarette?
LEIF
Yes.
BERTBERT
... It makes sense to me. What I do makes sense to me, at least. Maybe I don’t focus on the results too much, maybe I focus on the work that I do. The results are never up to me, so I should abandon that fight and focus on what I believe in. And despite my cynicism, I believe in it... So what do you believe in, Leif?
LEIF
... I don’t know.
BERTBERT
Ah. And with that we reach the nougat-y center of your problem, my friend... by the way this is a very weird way to tell me that you two broke up.
LEIF
I know. We did. We broke up. It hasn’t been great.
BERTBERT
I’m sorry... And now you’re going home, and home is complicated, and you need a buffer.
LEIF
I suppose so.
BERTBERT
A buffer in the form of me: world famous actress, Julia Roberts.
LEIF
Yes.
BERTBERT
Okay... Let’s go to Earth, weirdo.
THE SOUND OF THE FOREST. IN THE DISTANCE WE CAN HEAR MUSIC AND A PARTY. LEIF AND BERTBERT WALK THROUGH THE FOREST.
BERTBERT (CONT’D)
Wow. This is remote.
LEIF
Yeah. There’s actually a weed farm there, over there, and right over that ridge.
BERTBERT
Really?
LEIF
They keep the trees high around it so you can only see it from the air. You can see my parents house because they don’t grow weed.
BERTBERT
So, where do they think you’ve been? I’m assuming you didn’t tell them you were leaving the planet.
LEIF
McMurdo Station.
BERTBERT
What is that?
LEIF
It’s a research station in Antarctica. I told them I was building a CMB telescope.
BERTBERT
Is that where those little things are? What do you call them, they look like they’re wearing a tuxedo?
LEIF
Penguins.
BERTBERT
That’s it.
LEIF
Yeah, there’s a lot of them there.
BERTBERT
You’ve been gone for how many years now?
LEIF
About six.
BERTBERT
... And they never checked on you?
LEIF
They don’t have a phone.
BERTBERT
What if they wrote you a letter or something?
LEIF
My father thinks the government reads his mail, he doesn’t trust it.
BERTBERT
Jesus, Leif, is your father a criminal too?
LEIF
No. Just someone who thinks he’s important.
BERTBERT
Oof. That’s quite a description of your own father, Leif.
LEIF
... I liked visiting your parents.
BERTBERT
You did?
LEIF
Yeah. I know they drive you crazy but they’re... It’s not going to be like that in there, okay?
BERTBERT
This is really difficult for you, isn’t it?
LEIF
... Yeah.
BERTBERT
Okay... Look. It’s a party. We’ll go in there, we’ll have a drink, we’ll do a round, we’ll get the fuck out. I know the drill on this.
LEIF
You’re not going to feel obligated to stay longer?
BERTBERT
Hey. I’m Julia Roberts, I do whatever the fuck I want...
THEY STOP WALKING.
BERTBERT (CONT’D)
What’s that? “Cell Phones Here”.
LEIF
That’s new.
BERTBERT
You guys are adorable with your cellular technology, by the way.
LEIF
It’s all the rage these days. This is my mom.
BERTBERT
She doesn’t like cell phones?
LEIF
Electricity in general. She thinks she has something called Electromagnetic Hypersensitivity.
BERTBERT
Alice?
ALICE
Electromagnetic hypersensitivity or EHS is a claimed sensitivity to electromagnetic fields.
BERTBERT
Humans have that?
LEIF
Alice, do humans have that?
ALICE
Electromagnetic hypersensitivity is not an accepted diagnosis on Earth.
LEIF
She heard about it one time and thinks she has it now.
BERTBERT
Seriously?
LEIF
Yeah.
BERTBERT
Leif.
LEIF
What?
BERTBERT
You make things. Things that use electricity. And your father rejects technology and your mother thinks it makes her sick?
LEIF
Yeah.
BERTBERT
Wow... Is there going to be booze here?
LEIF
Yeah. It’ll be homemade but it’ll be there.
BERTBERT
Okay. I’m not going to lie, I was looking forward to watching you twist in the wind a little bit around your parents but this is a bit much.
LEIF
Has to be done.
BERTBERT
Okay, we’re officially a strike team now. Operation: Big Bird. Get in, get out, disappear, right?
LEIF
Okay.
BERTBERT
Alice, keep it quiet in there, you’re going to freak people out.
ALICE
No problem.
BERTBERT
I’m feeling a little dizzy right now, anyone else feeling dizzy?
LEIF
No.
THE FRONT DOOR OPENS.
BERTBERT
I’m sure it’s fine. Let’s do this.
MOM
Leif?
LEIF
...Hey.
MOM
Oh my God.
LEIF
Sorry for the surprise. I just happened to be stateside and I looked at the calendar.
MOM
Come here...
THEY HUG.
MOM (CONT’D)
I can’t believe it.
LEIF
It is kind of hard to keep you updated.
MOM
I know, you’re right, I’m just so glad to see you.
LEIF
It’s good to see you, too.
MOM
Who’s you’re friend?
LEIF
Oh, right. Mom this is my friend, uh, Julia.
BERTBERT
Hi there. I’m Julia. You have a lovely home.
MOM
Oh, well... Yes, thank you... Julia.
LEIF
Let’s go inside.
MOM
You don’t have one of those terrible cell phones people are getting now, do you?
ALICE
How dare you?
LEIF
Nope.
MOM
Alright. Oh, Leif, do me a favor and go say hello to your father first.
LEIF
He’s not inside?
MOM
No, he’s been having trouble with the south fence.
LEIF
Again?
MOM
Yes, I don’t know what it is, it’s the same old problem over and over again.
LEIF
Great.
MOM
Maybe you can help him out.
LEIF
Why is he fixing a fence during a party?
MOM
You know how he is. He’d love to see you. Julia, what don’t you come inside, I’ll get you some Pineapple wine.
BERTBERT
Uhh, Okay? (To Leif.) I was not expecting to fly solo on this one.
LEIF
Typical celebrity, hiding behind your proxies.
BERTBERT
Fuck you, dude.
LEIF
Hopefully this won’t take long.
BERTBERT
Give me Alice, in case I need to look something up.
LEIF
Where’s your Tangle?
BERTBERT
It’s back at the ship.
LEIF
Why is it back at the ship?
BERTBERT
Because my Tangle hates me, okay? Give it to me.
LEIF
Okay.
BERTBERT
Hurry back.
LEIF
Good luck.
MOM
Come on in!
BERTBERT
Oh, God.
THEY WALK INSIDE THE HOUSE. THE MUSIC GETS A LITTLE LOUDER.
MOM
Everyone, this is Julia, Leif’s girlfriend!
BERTBERT
I’m not uh, Hello!
MOM
Come into the kitchen.
BERTBERT
Okay.
MOM IS STIRRING A LARGE PITCHER.
MOM
Leif’s father is always coming home with things. Scrap metal or something he found on the side of the road. He thinks we waste too much as a society and we should try and keep things out of all these landfills that are overflowing. Anyway, a few days ago he came home with twenty cans of pineapples. And I didn’t know what to do with them so I just figured: you can make wine out of anything, why not pineapples?
MOM POURS HER A DRINK.
BERTBERT
Pineapples? I’m sure that’s something that will not somehow kill me.
ALICE
(Whispering.)
You’re fine.
BERTBERT
I’m sure I’ll be fine.
BERTBERT DRINKS.
BERTBERT (CONT’D)
... That’s pretty good.
MOM
So... (Keeping her voice down.) I’m sorry, this is driving me crazy, how in the WORLD did you meet my son?
BERTBERT
What do you mean?
MOM
I mean you’re... (Lowering her voice.) You’re Julia Roberts.
BERTBERT
Oh, fucking hell.
MOM
Don’t worry, don’t worry, I won’t say anything, I promise. I know it must be terrible, people recognizing you all day long. I just... I’m such a big fan.
BERTBERT
Well... thank you... it’s always nice meeting a fan.
MOM
I mean, of ALL the people I thought Leif would come home with.
BERTBERT
You know, Leif assured me that his parents didn’t watch TV or go to the movies.
MOM
Yes, well... I may have a moment of weakness from time to time when I’m in town.
BERTBERT
You sneaky devil you.
MOM
I know. I really shouldn’t. I have this condition, I’m supposed to stay away from anything that uses electricity, but when one of your movies comes out I think it’s worth the risk.
BERTBERT
Maybe not all of my movies.
MOM
I get a massive migraine afterward, I have to rest for two days but it is always worth it.
BERTBERT
Wow. Is it okay to do that?
MOM
Well it’s probably not okay for us to be drinking this pineapple wine, but here we are!
BERTBERT
Okay.
MOM
I’m feeling a little overwhelmed right now. I can’t believe you’re here.
BERTBERT
Hey, I’m a human being on the planet earth just like you, right? I didn’t come from space or something.
MOM
I suppose. I loved the last one, about the bride?
ALICE
(Whispering)
Runaway Bride.
BERTBERT
Runaway Bride.
MOM
Yes. That’s it. So great. And what is that man’s name?
ALICE
(Whispering)
Richard Geere.
BERTBERT
Richard Geere.
MOM
Yes! That’s it. What’s he like?
ALICE
(Whispering)
Buddhist.
BERTBERT
You know, he’s a Buddhist.
MOM
No.
ALICE
(Whispering)
Yes.
BERTBERT
Yes.
MOM
You have to tell me everything.
BERTBERT
Well that depends, Mom. How much pineapple wine have you got?
LEIF TRUDGES THROUGH THE BACK FORTY OF THE FARM. WE HEAR HAMMERING AMONG THE SOUNDS OF THE FOREST.
LEIF
Hey, Dad.
DAD
... You’re here.
LEIF
I’m here.
DAD
Didn’t know you were coming.
LEIF
You know, you can have a phone at your house and still be an anti-capitalist.
DAD
Very funny... Staying long?
LEIF
No, I’ve got to get back... I’m starting a new project soon so I wanted to check in beforehand.
DAD
Check in.
LEIF
Yeah. It’s Thanksgiving, I thought I would check in.
DAD
Well thanks for checking in...
LEIF
... So, the back fence is still giving you trouble, huh?
DAD
I don’t know what it is. Joyriders, new neighbors. People have been knocking this fence over for years.
LEIF
Are you sure someone’s knocking it over?
DAD
You’re going to come back after a few years and tell me what’s going on with my own fence?
LEIF
Okay...
DAD
... So, how’s life out there?
LEIF
Out there?
DAD
Where is it again? Alaska?
LEIF
Antarctica.
DAD
Right. And you’re building a what?
LEIF
CMB Telescope.
DAD
A telescope. Okay. You know if we spent half the time looking at the stars as we did our own planet-
LEIF
-We wouldn’t have half the problems we have now, yes, I’ve heard this somewhere before.
DAD
Well I’m sorry if I’m boring you.
LEIF
Dad. Do you need help with the fence?
DAD
I’m almost done.
LEIF
Okay... Okay well, good talk.
DAD
Where have you really been, Leif?
LEIF
What do you mean?
DAD
You know how I feel about the mail. But then your mother confesses to me a few months ago that she’s been writing you letters. She went down to the library, managed to get an address for this place, wherever it is.
LEIF
McMurdo Station.
DAD
They were all returned. All the letters were coming back, there was no one there to deliver them to... So where have you been?
LEIF
I’m sure you can imagine sending mail to the bottom of the world can be a little tricky.
DAD
Don’t treat me like I’m an idiot.
LEIF
What do you think I’m trying to get away with?
DAD
You think I don’t know what the US Government likes to do with young engineers?
LEIF
I’m not working for the government.
DAD
You’ve worked for the government before.
LEIF
There was some funding from the government, that’s not “working for the government”.
DAD
That’s how they get you. They offer some pocket change and then take over completely, your mother is the trusting one, not me. I know how things work.
LEIF
Yeah, I imagine you’ve developed a lot of political acumen out here in the middle of fucking nowhere.
DAD
I observe from the outside. I’m not blinded by the usual shit that jams people up. And don’t call this place the middle of nowhere, the whole world used to look like this, you know.
LEIF
Yes and then time passed. You want everyone in the world to live on a farm?
DAD
The world would be a better place if they did.
LEIF
But then you’d have no one to complain about, Dad. How would you live?
DAD
Don’t be a smart ass. The Industrial Revolution was the biggest mistake this civilization ever made.
LEIF
That may be true but it did provide you things like the posts for this fence, the wire for this fence, and also the hammer that you were just using on the fence.
DAD
So you’re not going to tell me where you’ve been?
LEIF
I’ve already told you where I’ve been, it sounds like you’re upset because I’ve been hanging out with penguins.
DAD
Ridiculous. You really think we’re idiots, don’t you?
LEIF
Jesus, Dad-
DAD
You go off and get a college degree while you’re still a teenager and now we’re all idiots.
LEIF
I’ve never said that.
DAD
Allow me to say a thing or two. Since I’m the dumb one, right? That’s me? Let me say a thing or two about this government job that you definitely don’t have.
LEIF
I really don’t.
DAD
War is coming back... I saw it in the 60s and I’m seeing it again now.
LEIF
C’mon.
DAD
What? You think because it’s the year 2000 that we don’t go to war anymore?
LEIF
Go to war with who?
DAD
Doesn’t matter. We’ll find somebody. Ask yourself if anything you’re working on right now can be dropped on a village somewhere.
LEIF
This is ridiculous. I don’t even need to be here for this conversation.
DAD
Well then why’d you come back to see me, Leif?
LEIF
I didn’t come back to see you.
DAD
Fine. Go talk to your mother, then. She always bought your bullshit.
LEIF
Yeah, okay. Good luck with the fence.
DAD
A man has to live in accordance with his beliefs, kid. That’s what I’m doing. What do you believe?
LEIF
... What I believe is that no one has ever knocked down your fence. Your fence is in an erosion zone and every time it rains the ground slips away and the fence falls down. What I believe is that you can’t seem to exist without designating someone as “the enemy”. Why you decided it should be your son is beyond me... Goodbye, Dad.
BACK AT THE PARTY. BERTBERT IS A LITTLE DRUNK AND HAS GONE “FULL JULIA”.
BERTBERT
...So we’re on set, it’s been a long morning and we decide to break for lunch. Everyone had always told me “Christopher Walken is always drunk. He shows up drunk, he’s drunk all day, he goes to back to his room drunk. Be ready for it.” But we’d been shooting for two weeks and I hadn’t noticed anything. But we break for lunch that day and in the middle of the lunch area is this huge fountain. Instead of getting anything for lunch, Christopher Walken, still in full costume, climbs into the fountain and lowers himself into the water, keeping just his two eyes above the surface. He sits in the water like that for the entire lunch break and everyone just kind of ignores him so I ignore him too. Lunch break ends, Christopher Walken climbs out of the water, and he’s instantly surrounded by the wardrobe people, they’ve got a hair dryer on him, they’re wrapping him in paper towels. And with a big smile on his face he says to them: “For lunch, I was a alligator.”
MOM
So he was drunk the whole time and you didn’t know it?
BERTBERT
No clue, and I know what it looks like when someone’s drunk on set, I’ve worked with Nick Nolte.
LEIF
Hey you two.
BERTBERT
There he is!
MOM
Hey, Sweetie. Did you find him?
LEIF
Yes.
BERTBERT
How’s dad?
LEIF
The same.
MOM
Well you sit right here, I’m going to get us all some more wine.
BERTBERT
That’s and excellent idea, Mom!
LEIF
Alice, what’s happened to BertBert?
ALICE
Funny story. Turns out when Sigians encounter the higher oxygen content of Earth’s atmosphere, they get a little loopy.
BERTBERT
Lewps.
ALICE
That coupled with whatever prison hooch your mom has whipped up and we are off to the races, my dude.
BERTBERT
(Not totally fine.)
You know what, I’ve heard the stories of Sigians getting weird in Earth atmosphere, but guess what? I’m totally fine.
MOM
Okay, here we go.
BERTBERT
I love pineapples. Why don’t they have pineapples where I’m from? They should. All those islands?
MOM
Oh, where are you from?
ALICE
(Whispering.)
Georgia.
BERTBERT
Georgia. The islands of Georgia. They have them.
LEIF
Mom, we should probably go.
MOM
But you just got here.
LEIF
Yes but, we have to go swing by Julia’s parent’s place as well.
MOM
Oh, are they nearby?
BERTBERT
They’re in Georgia.
MOM
That’s... that’s across the country.
LEIF
Private jet!
BERTBERT
Private Jet is the answer to that question, because I am Julia Roberts, a movie star from Earth.
MOM
That’s very fancy.
LEIF
Don’t tell Dad, okay?
MOM
No, no of course. Let me walk you out, okay?
LEIF
Okay.
BERTBERT
Oooh. That means I’m going to have to stand up. That’s a terrifying prospect.
ALICE
You can do it.
BERTBERT
Give me some motivation.
ALICE
You’re rising from your seat to give your Oscar speech.
BERTBERT
Now we’re talking, I can feel it in my hands...
LEIF AND MOM ARE WALKING AWAY FROM THE HOUSE WITH BERTBERT FOLLOWING FAR BEHIND.
MOM
You and your father fought again, didn’t you?
LEIF
We did.
MOM
I’m sorry. For some reason I think that’s better than not seeing each other at all.
LEIF
He really doesn’t like me, Mom.
MOM
Honey, that’s not true.
LEIF
You saying it’s not true doesn’t fix it.
MOM
I know.
LEIF
The man genuinely does not like me.
MOM
I think he has a hard time letting you be who you are. I think he was expecting someone he could pass down all his knowledge to, and pick up where he left off at the farm. But you... You could not have been more different from your surroundings. It’s like you fell from space... I do wish you hadn’t wanted to leave so quickly. You were so young. I thought I’d have a few more years with you.
LEIF
I know... I make things, Mom. I make things with technology. Electricity, electromagnetism. I use batteries and reactors and irradiated rays of light... And I’m really good at it.
MOM
I know you are, Honey.
LEIF
And what do you do when the one thing you’re good at makes your father angry and your mom sick?... I had to go.
MOM
... I’ll work on the technology stuff okay?
LEIF
Don’t worry about it.
MOM
Maybe I’ll get a blender, I hear those are nice.
LEIF
Mom. It’s fine.
MOM
... I really like Julia.
LEIF
She’s great.
BERTBERT
I really like you, Mom!
MOM
I’m not going to see you for a while, am I?
LEIF
It’s going to be a while.
MOM
I’m so glad you came.
LEIF
Me too.
MOM
Can you do me a favor?
LEIF
Sure.
MOM
I worry about all sorts of things, Leif. But with you, the thing I worry about the most is loneliness. No matter where you end up going with this life of yours can you promise... make yourself a home among people. Can you do that for me? Or at least try? I worry about you being alone more than anything.
LEIF
... I’ll try.
THE DOOR TO THE NANCY SINATRA SLIDES OPEN.
BERTBERT
So the brother she’s engaged to leaves on the train and she’s trying to get out of the station but the soldiers stop her and ask for her papers. Right then Michael Collins, the OTHER brother, comes up to her and says-(Irish accent.) “Lads, lads, Can a man not say goodbye to his wife in peace?” And he KISSES her. The soldiers move on, she pushes him away and says-(Irish accent.) “Where I come from they call it takin’ liberties.” So my question is, what is it about making out with someone that gets you through government checkpoints on Earth?
LEIF
That doesn’t sound like the most historically accurate movie in the world.
BERTBERT
I mean, if her accent is any indication.
ALICE
Congratulations, you two. We have made it through Operation: Big Bird.
BERTBERT
We did it!
LEIF
Thanks for coming with me.
BERTBERT
You know, as a world famous actress, it is hard to find space in my schedule but you have to make time for the little people, you know what I mean?
LEIF
Your fans love that about you.
BERTBERT
I suppose I should turn this Earthsuit off now but... I don’t know, I’m going to miss it. What’s it like dating a movie star?
LEIF
It’s stressful.
BERTBERT
Yes, I know, Leif. My life is complicated, but in the end I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to lover her.
LEIF
This is from a movie?
ALICE
She’s doing Notting Hill.
LEIF
BertBert, seriously, thank you for coming with me.
BERTBERT
You saving me from certain doom, me pretending to be Julia Roberts at your parents’ house. I feel like we’re even.
LEIF
Yeah...
BERTBERT
Things didn’t go too well with Dad?
LEIF
They went how I expected them to. Just had to get it out of the way.
BERTBERT
Leif, look, you’re a criminal and a degenerate.
LEIF
Thanks.
BERTBERT
But there’s no reason for your dad to not love you. That’s his problem, not yours. You’re an easy person to love.
LEIF
... Thanks.
BERTBERT ...
LEIF
...
BERTBERT
Are we supposed to make out right now?
LEIF
I don’t know.
BERTBERT
Neither do I... I’m going to stick a pin in this conversation.
LEIF
Good.
BERTBERT
And by “stick a pin in it” I mean “Go to sleep and probably forget it ever happened.”
LEIF
Even better.
BERTBERT
Okay. I’m going to go pass out.
LEIF
Okay.
BERTBERT
Let me know when we arrive wherever we’re going.
LEIF
I will.
BERTBERT
Goodnight, Alice.
ALICE
Goodnight!
LEIF
Let’s get out of here, Alice.
ALICE
Engaging RADAR jammers. The sky is clear.
LEIF
Goodbye, Earth.
THRUSTER FIRE ON THE NANCY SINATRA.
LEIF (CONT’D)
... Alice?
ALICE
Yes?
LEIF
Can I leave a message for BertBert but have it delivered later?
ALICE
Of course.
LEIF
Deliver this message two days from now, okay?
ALICE
Sure.
LEIF
... Hey BertBert... There’s something I need to tell you...
THE END