Part 6: Escape from Moog
THE DIN OF A DARK BAR IN A SPACE PORT SOMEWHERE.
LEIF
You... lay eggs?
DEZ
Yeah, why is that weird?
LEIF
I don’t know. Truskans don’t really strike me as the egg laying type.
DEZ
What does that mean?
LEIF
On Earth, birds lay eggs.
DEZ
Yeah, and I think that’s weird.
LEIF
Why?
DEZ
Something flies and lays eggs, how do you trust them?
LEIF
I don’t know what you mean.
VERGE
Okay, I’ve got a buyer for the ice.
LEIF
Where?
VERGE
Festen. They’re in the middle of a sunspot-induced drought and The Teds are price gouging them. We’re coming in at a quarter of the price.
LEIF
Excellent.
VERGE
We could charge a lot more than that.
LEIF
But that would miss the point.
VERGE
Sorry, I keep forgetting the point when I think about the money we’re not making.
LEIF
I don’t like it when people make money off of desperation.
VERGE
We’re not going to stop that from happening.
LEIF
No, but it feels good.
DEZ
I think they have greenroot here, are we getting food?
LEIF
Dez lays eggs.
VERGE
Yeah, I know. So what? Is he carrying? Dez do you have an egg on deck?
DEZ
Not old enough.
LEIF
Do you build a nest?
VERGE
They put them in those pits, right?
DEZ
Zigosh pits.
VERGE
Big flaming pits.
LEIF
They’re flaming?
DEZ
Yeah.
LEIF
Why?
DEZ
Warmth.
LEIF
That’s bizarre.
VERGE
Said the guy sleeping with an alien every night.
DEZ
Used to be we had to put the eggs by a lava flow. Way better this way.
VERGE
This is our fifth job since the casino, I think we’re in the clear with Låfftrax.
DEZ
Helps that we set up shop on the other end of the system.
VERGE
We should keep an eye on Låfftrax, though. I think they’re trying to control the entire Triad.
DEZ
No way. Even Emperor Bug Bug couldn’t pull that off back in the day.
VERGE
What are you reading?
LEIF
Earth news.
VERGE
How are things back home? Have they emerged from their caves yet?
LEIF
Everyone’s worried about computers switching over from the year 1999 to 2000. They’ve convinced themselves that the whole world could collapse when the new year hits.
VERGE
So, still in the cave.
LEIF
So deep in the cave.
ALICE
Message from BertBert marked “urgent”.
LEIF
Pass.
DEZ
What’s she want?
LEIF
No idea.
ALICE
He’s ignoring her.
LEIF
I am.
DEZ
I’m all for that. Sigians are like rust, okay? They get everywhere you don’t want them to go.
VERGE
I don’t think she’s so bad. As Sigians go anyway.
DEZ
Yeah sure. She’s okay. I mean there’s four different kinds of rust. Some are dangerous and some are just annoying.
VERGE
Oh really, Dez? Please tell me about the different kinds of rust.
DEZ
Well you got your red, your yellow-
ALICE
New message from BertBert marked “Fuck you, goddamn you, answer you little shit”.
VERGE
Okay, that’s funny, what’s the message?
LEIF
I’m sure it’s skippable.
VERGE
What if she’s in trouble?
ALICE
Yeah, Leif, what if she’s in trouble?
LEIF
I’m deliberately ignoring her to keep her out of trouble.
VERGE
And that’s adorable, but it’s not like listening to the message is going to suck you into her world or something. Just listen to the message.
LEIF
Play the message.
BERTBERT
(From the tangle.)
Oh hi. Oh hi, Leif. How are you? Since you’re still ignoring my messages I thought I would just leave you with my LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT since I am about to DIE! To you I leave NOTHING BUT MY SCORN.
VERGE
What the fuck is she talking about?
BERTBERT
I am a fucking prisoner awaiting fucking execution!
LEIF
Is this a metaphor for something?
BERTBERT
In case you’re wondering if that’s a metaphor for something: IT IS NOT.
VERGE
Oh shit.
BERTBERT
I am a fucking prisoner of the fucking Science Priests of fucking Moog!
VERGE
Oh no.
BERTBERT
They are about to goddamn kill me in some goddamn “cleansing ceremony”.
LEIF
What?!
BERTBERT
So, if for some reason you have decided to stop being a dickhead and check your messages, this is me saying “Get. Me. The. Fuck. Out. Of. Here.” I am temporarily suspending my judgement of your criminal behavior TEMPORARILY. I am temporarily suspending it so that you can, in defiance of however many laws, break into the Temple of Enlightenment on Moog and save me from whatever killing machine I am headed towards. If you have a problem doing that, try pretending I am a huge pile of money and STEAL ME, maybe that will help... I really hate that this may be the last message I ever send.
63RD ACOLYTE
(In the tangle)
Impure One! Give me that device!
BERTBERT
Fuck you, you freak!
63RD ACOLYTE
Give it to me!
BERTBERT
Leif! Fucking help me-
LEIF
...
ALICE
That sounds bad.
DEZ
So, we’re not getting food then?
THE HUM OF THE NANCY SINATRA.
ALICE
The planet of Moog is a mid sized planet in Andromeda that underwent a revolution by religious fundamentalists calling themselves the Science Priests.
VERGE
Boooooo.
ALICE
The Science Priests rose to power during the movement dubbed “The Vapian Panic”, where multiple systems began to reject technological advancement after the planet of Vapus demonstrated the dangers of technology when they accidentally collapsed their home world into a black hole.
VERGE
You’re welcome, everyone.
ALICE
The movement died down in most corners of the Triad, except for on the planet of Moog, where the Science Priests maintain a vice-like grip on the populace using the tactics of violence, fear, and intimidation.
LEIF
They sound lovely.
DEZ
We’re really doing this, huh?
VERGE
It’ll be fun.
DEZ
I don’t like these guys.
VERGE
You don’t like anybody.
DEZ
I like all kinds of people.
VERGE
You don’t show it.
DEZ
That’s just how my face looks.
LEIF
If they reject technology, why do they call themselves Science Priests?
ALICE
It’s a classic switcheroo. The Science Priests reject science, so they make sure the populace stays real dumb and then they say that all science comes from them. To avoid people embracing science they just say that they ARE science.
LEIF
And when someone disagrees?
ALICE
They’re big fans of executions, as I’m sure BertBert is now learning.
DEZ
What the heck did she do to piss them off?
ALICE
It could be anything. They key to suppressing a populace is making justice totally random and unhinged.
LEIF
Isn’t this going to create some sort of interstellar political incident or something?
ALICE
Oh sure. They don’t care.
LEIF
How are they allowed to operate like this?
VERGE
Take a wild guess.
ALICE
It is rumored that the Science Priests of Moog are secretly supported by The Ted Empire.
DEZ
Oh sure, real nice.
LEIF
What do they get out of it?
ALICE
Religious fanaticism is the tiny angry dog on the lap of despotic empires. It’s tradition.
LEIF
Whatever. How are we doing this?
VERGE
Let’s just roll in there and start shooting people. Isn’t that what Earthlings do?
LEIF
Maybe something more nuanced than that.
DEZ
If they’re keeping her at that Temple of Enlightenment place? That place is real big. How do we find her?
LEIF
Alice, is there a map of this Temple of Enlightenment anywhere?
ALICE
They reject technology, there’s probably a map but it’s probably written on a scroll somewhere or something.
LEIF
What does it look like from the outside?
ALICE
... On the screen.
LEIF
That’s a big tower.
ALICE
That thing’s filled with people awaiting execution.
LEIF
You’d think their lack of technology wouldn’t be a benefit, but it’s kind of an amazing defense. There’s no way of knowing what’s in there. There’s nothing to hack into.
VERGE
I’ve got an idea.
LEIF
What?
VERGE
We have something they want.
LEIF
What’s that?
VERGE
Me.
DEZ
Yeah, that’s true.
LEIF
What do you mean?
VERGE
Alice?
ALICE
The Science Priests believe the collapsing of Vapus 10 by the Vapians was the original sin of The Triad. They allege the Vapians’ arrogance and love affair with technology caused the Vapian Collapse. Because of that, they see Vapians as a scourge, an affront to all things holy. Desperate bounty hunters will sometimes attempt to abduct Vapians and bring them to Moog for a high price.
LEIF
That’s terrible.
VERGE
In their defense, I also see myself as an affront to all things holy, but in a good way.
DEZ
That gets us in the front door. We just need to know what to do after.
LEIF
Hmmm... How many explosives do we have?
DEZ
I haven’t done an inventory but I’m gonna guess, rough estimate, a lot.
LEIF
Um hum, um hm, um hm... I’ve got an idea.
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF MONKS CHANTING.
78TH ACOLYTE
(In the PA system.)
We wish a glorious day to the righteous. Begin your day as the Nth Anomaly intended: untouched, unchanged, and full of his ancient light. Praise the great simplicity of the mystery.
WE HEAR A MASSIVE CARGO KART BEING PUSHED ALONG THE GROUND AND COMING TO A STOP.
DEZ
Uh... Hey there?
96TH ACOLYTE
Hello? What is all this?
DEZ
I got a shipment here for you.
96TH ACOLYTE
What is it?
DEZ
Looks like... Looks like some crates.
96TH ACOLYTE
Yes, I can see that, what is in them?
DEZ
You know, I don’t ask a lot of questions.
96TH ACOLYTE
What does it say on your manifest?
DEZ
Let me see... No, that’s last week, give me a minute here. You know the home office always screws me with this stuff, I got a ticking clock on me every time I’m out here. Do they send me out here with the right materials? No.
They send me out here with last week’s workups and I’m sitting here saying, “put all the clocks on me you want, it’s not going to give me the right materials to do the job, am I right?
96TH ACOLYTE
I don’t...
DEZ
What am I looking for?
96TH ACOLYTE
What is in the crates?
DEZ
Oh yeah. Yeah sure. Here we go... Okay, gruel. Bovian gruel. Yeesh. This stuff’s bad, you ever had this stuff?
96TH ACOLYTE
It’s a staple of our diet.
DEZ
You know, I hear it’s more nutritious to eat the crate this stuff comes in than the thing itself.
96TH ACOLYTE
I don’t expect technology slaves like you Truskans to understand our ways.
DEZ
Fair enough. How much sauce you got to put on this stuff to make it taste like something?
96TH ACOLYTE
I don’t have time for this, we just received a shipment of gruel yesterday, why are we getting another one?
DEZ
Look pal, they don’t give me the right workup for these boxes and you think they’re going to tell me why they’re here?
96TH ACOLYTE
Send them back, this was obviously a mistake.
DEZ
Yeah, see there, this is a one way arrangement, I bring stuff, I don’t take away stuff. You got to pay extra for the takeaway.
96TH ACOLYTE
Even if we didn’t order it?
DEZ
Look, if you didn’t order it... y’know... free gruel.
96TH ACOLYTE
For the love of the Anomaly. Very well. Go to the cargo lift, then down two floors to grain storage.
DEZ
You got it.
THE CARGO CART MOVES INTO A LIFT AND BEGIN TO TRAVEL DOWN.
DEZ (CONT’D)
Okay, I’m in. How about you?
THE CHANTING OF THE MONKS GROWS LOUDER AS LEIF AND VERGE MOVE THROUGH THE MAIN HALL OF THE TEMPLE.
LEIF
We’re in the main hall and it’s... An experience.
VERGE
Religious fanatics always get the best architects.
LEIF
Hopefully when I try and turn in Verge they’ll lead us to wherever they keep the prisoners. That’s when you push the button, so let us know when you’re in position.
DEZ
(In earpiece.)
Yeah, will do.
LEIF
This place is insane.
VERGE
I know, it makes me nauseous.
LEIF
So you can just walk in here with a Vapian and they give you money?
VERGE
You can.
LEIF
How are there any of you left?
VERGE
It’s not easy money. You can wind up dead hunting a Vapian. You know that tattoo on my shoulder?
LEIF
The one with the four lines?
VERGE
Yeah, those four lines are dead bounty hunters.
LEIF
Really?
VERGE
Poor babies.
83RD ACOLYTE
Glorious day to the righteous. Glorious day to the Nth Anomaly. Welcome to the Temple of Enlightenment. Oh my-
VERGE
Hi there.
83RD ACOLYTE
You have brought us a Vapian.
LEIF
I have. Because I’m a bounty hunter.
VERGE
Yes he is.
83RD ACOLYTE
I trust the arm restraints are properly secured. It’s a very dangerous creature.
LEIF
Oh yes. Very secure.
VERGE
I’m not going anywhere.
83RD ACOLYTE
Praise to the Nth Anomaly.
LEIF
Yes. Agreed.
83RD ACOLYTE
Look at it, it’s disgusting.
VERGE
I bet you say that to all the scourges.
LEIF
So, this is my first time at the temple, how does this work?
83RD ACOLYTE
Take it down the far hall to the chamber of redemption. The Acolyte will take you to the appropriate area.
LEIF
Great. Praise to the whatever.
THEY WALK ACROSS THE GREAT HALL.
LEIF (CONT’D)
I’m getting the sense that there’s going to be some harsh words said about you during this transaction.
VERGE
Are you worried I’m going to get my feelings hurt?
LEIF
I never worry about that... Alice, what is this Nth Anomaly?
ALICE
The Science Priests believe the universe should be shrouded in mystery to maintain it’s pure state. The Nth Anomaly is a personification of the mysteries of the universe that science violates with its curiosity.
52ND ACOLYTE
Glorious day to the righteous, how can I...
VERGE
Hi there.
52ND ACOLYTE
Praise the Anomaly.
LEIF
Didn’t we just talk to you?
VERGE
No. Different guy.
LEIF
Okay. Well, I have a Vapian. What do I do now?
52ND ACOLYTE
Thank you, stranger. What a beautiful offering to The Anomaly.
VERGE
Thank you, I think so too.
LEIF
I hear I can get paid pretty well for a Vapian.
52ND ACOLYTE
Of course. One moment please.
LEIF
... He looks exactly like the last guy I talked to.
VERGE
They’re all clones.
LEIF
What?
VERGE
Alice?
ALICE
The original high priest of Moog thought the most effective way to create a congregation was to just clone himself. So now you have one high priest and a hundred acolytes, all the same guy.
LEIF
I imagine that took a lot of... technology.
ALICE
Sure.
LEIF
Which they reject.
ALICE
Wait, are you saying that this fascist theocratic empire is somehow hypocritical? Get the fuck out of here.
LEIF
I guess I was hoping for a little intellectual consistency.
VERGE
I’m sorry the religious zealots are letting you down, honey.
52ND ACOLYTE
Please right this way.
THEY STEP INTO AN ELEVATOR AS THE DOORS CLOSE.
LEIF
... So, just out of curiosity. This elevator we’re in is a form of technology, right?
52ND ACOLYTE
That’s correct.
LEIF
But you guys are the anti-technology guys.
52ND ACOLYTE
Yes, but this elevator has been sanctified by the Nth Anomaly.
LEIF
How does that work?
52ND ACOLYTE
When the high priest deems it necessary, a piece of technology may be cleansed in the light of The Anomaly so that it may be freely used by us here at the temple.
LEIF
So, when you really want to use something, the high priest waves his hands over it and then you can use it.
52ND ACOLYTE
Yes, because it has been cleansed.
LEIF
That’s convenient.
52ND ACOLYTE
Oh, it’s very convenient. Trust me you do not want to climb the stairs all the way up to the High Priest’s chamber.
VERGE
I’m sorry, the what?
52ND ACOLYTE
The High Priest’s chamber. In the rare instance that a Vapian is brought to us, the High Priest insists he inspect them personally.
LEIF
Inspect them?
VERGE
This’ll be a fun meeting.
LEIF
You’re taking us to meet the High Priest of Moog right now?
52ND ACOLYTE
Oh yes. It’s quite an honor, isn’t it?
LEIF
Is it?
52ND ACOLYTE
Very few of us have been allowed to converse directly with the High Priest. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity.
LEIF
Look, I really don’t need all that, I’m just trying to get paid and get out of here. Can you just take me to wherever I drop off the prisoners?
52ND ACOLYTE
Oh, I’m sorry, it’s required.
LEIF
Great. Let’s go meet the High Priest.
52ND ACOLYTE
I suggest this creature be on its best behavior.
VERGE
I would just like both of you to know, I’m in these arm restraints right now and... I’m into it.
52ND ACOLYTE
Disgusting.
LEIF
Noted.
IN THE GRAIN STORAGE SUB-BASEMENT.
DEZ
You got your Red Rust, AKA Hydrated oxide. That’s the most common type out there. You got an even layer of corrosion across the material. That means you’ve got too much oxygen and water exposure. Then you got Yellow Rust. Iron oxide-hydroxide. You got standing water. It’s by the sink it’s by the bathtub. Are you in a submersible? Not for long if you got yellow rust.
46TH ACOLYTE
Why are you telling me this-
DEZ
Brown Rust, brown rust is the opposite. You got a high oxygen/low moisture combo. Not a uniform rust, it shows up it spots, okay?
Brown rust you look for when you think you’ve got contaminants in the metal. “If the rust is brown, your quality is down.” That’s what you say. THEN we got black rust-
46TH ACOLYTE
Excuse me!
DEZ
Yeah?
46TH ACOLYTE
Who are you? What are you doing here?
DEZ
I got a shipment of gruel here.
46TH ACOLYTE
How does this relate to different types of rust?
DEZ
I was just making conversation.
46TH ACOLYTE
We just received a shipment of gruel. Why is this here?
DEZ
I tried to tell this to the other guy, nothing I can do about someone else’s screw up. I don’t do returns.
46TH ACOLYTE
So I have to stock all of this gruel and there’s nothing I can do about it?
DEZ
Organized society is real convenient except for one guy a day. You’re that guy today. Welcome to it.
46TH ACOLYTE
Very well.
DEZ
There we go. Now we move on to the next part. That’s me getting paid. How does that happen?
46TH ACOLYTE
This is infuriating. Follow me.
IN THE CHAMBER OF THE HIGH PRIEST. RELIGIOUS MUSIC IS PLAYING.
DEZ
(In earpiece.)
Okay, the stuff’s in place. Waiting for you.
LEIF
I’m afraid we’re experiencing a little setback. We need some time.
DEZ
What kind of setback?
52ND ACOLYTE
Oh great High Priest, we bring a great boon to you today! A bounty hunter has brought you one of the scourge! A Vapian!
A MASSIVE THRONE ROTATES AND THEN STOPS.
HIGH PRIEST
Leave us.
52ND ACOLYTE
Of course. Glory to the Nth Anomaly!
A HUGE DOOR CLOSES.
LEIF
... Hi there... Nice tower you have here... Real brutalist aesthetic. Lots of concrete...
HIGH PRIEST
How did you catch it?
LEIF
Oh... uh... just got lucky really.
HIGH PRIEST Lucky?
LEIF
Yes. They uh... Had fallen in a hole.
VERGE
Fallen in a hole?
LEI
It’s always the simple things isn’t it? I was trying to catch a bear.
VERGE
What are you talking about?
LEIF
I don’t know.
HIGH PRIEST
... Is he gone?
LEIF
Who?
HIGH PRIEST
Number 52, is he gone?
LEIF
The guy who brought us up here?
HIGH PRIEST
Yes.
LEIF
Uh, yes he’s gone.
HIGH PRIEST
Good. Come closer.
LEIF
... Okay... What?
HIGH PRIEST
You have to get me out of here.
LEIF
I’m sorry?
HIGH PRIEST
You have to get me out of here!
LEIF
What are you talking about?
HIGH PRIEST
Do you have a ship? Can you get me out of here?
LEIF
I... Yes, I have a ship.
HIGH PRIEST
This is a nightmare. You have to get me out of here.
LEIF
I don’t understand.
HIGH PRIEST
It’s all a sham!
LEIF
What is?
HIGH PRIEST
This! Being High Priest! It’s all pointless!
LEIF
What’s all pointless?
HIGH PRIEST
The temple, the acolytes, the entire movement!
LEIF
But... there’s a bunch of acolytes in this tower who listen to you. They all look like you and they all listen to you.
HIGH PRIEST
And it’s the worst!
LEIF
I’m confused.
HIGH PRIEST
I began here as the 100th acolyte. I was fresh out of the test tube. I was ambitious. I had zeal. Now look at me.
LEIF
Now you’re the High Priest. Sounds like it worked.
HIGH PRIEST
Nobody told me it would be like this!
LEIF
Like what?
HIGH PRIEST
Boring! Miserable! It’s like prison! All I do is sit on this throne all day!
LEIF
What were you expecting?
HIGH PRIEST
I don’t know! The ways of the High Priest must be shrouded in mystery, they tell us. But there’s nothing to it. I just sit here!
LEIF
You... don’t do anything?
HIGH PRIEST
Nothing!
VERGE
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.
HIGH PRIEST
I’m not! Can you believe it! You’ve got to get me out of here.
LEIF
Uh...
HIGH PRIEST
Look, I can see that it may be confusing. Look at this throne room, look at the throne, it really does look like important things happen here, doesn’t it?
LEIF
It does.
HIGH PRIEST
Nope! For years I would imagine all of the secret and important things that the High Priest would do all day. Communing with the Anomaly, learning great secrets, writing great tomes of knowledge. Guess what?
LEIF
No?
HIGH PRIEST
No! I’m just a figurehead. I’m here to be aspired to. I’m here to convince everyone that they could be me one day. But actually BEING me... Sucks real bad.
LEIF
Then why were we brought to see you?
HIGH PRIEST
Aha! That was part of my plan! My escape plan!
LEIF
We’re a part of your escape plan?
HIGH PRIEST
Yes! I can’t just pick up and leave, if the High Priest left because it was a crappy gig, all of the Acolytes would lose their minds. They need to feel like they’re working toward something. THEY ARE NOT WORKING TOWARD SOMETHING.
VERGE
This is insane. Take these fucking restraints off of me.
LEIF
One second.
HIGH PRIEST
Don’t let it free! It’ll kill me!
LEIF
Don’t worry about it. What was this plan?
HIGH PRIEST
I demanded to speak with the next bounty hunter who brought in a Vapian. If they brought in a Vapian then they certainly would be able to escape with me! Right? That makes sense, right? You could escape with me if you want?
LEIF
I... guess?
HIGH PRIEST Good!
LEIF
Here’s the thing, High Priest. We actually had a plan to break someone else out of here.
HIGH PRIEST
Really? You’re in cahoots with this Vapian?
VERGE
Hurry up with the restraints.
LEIF
They’re very complicated.
HIGH PRIEST
Wait. I can help with that! Look.
THE SOUND OF A KEY ON A CHAIN.
HIGH PRIEST (CONT’D)
I wear this key around my neck, it opens every door in the tower. We can get them out with this.
LEIF
Okay, that’s helpful.
VERGE
Leif!
LEIF
Okay, you’re free.
VERGE
Thank you! Where’s my gun?
LEIF
Here.
VERGE
So, you help us get our friend out with that key and we help you get out of this tower so you can live the life you want to live, is that the deal?
HIGH PRIEST
That’s the deal, what do you say?
VERGE
No.
VERGE FIRES SEVERAL SHOTS FROM THEIR PLASMA PISTOL. THE HIGH PRIEST DROPS TO THE GROUND.
LEIF
Oh shit.
HIGH PRIEST
Well... that’s one way... of escaping...
LEIF
... Honey, you just killed the High Priest of Moog.
VERGE
I did.
LEIF
That’s going to add a bit of urgency to our plan.
VERGE
Sorry. I can respect the Science Priests for being evil shitheads, but you don’t get to be an evil shithead and then back out of being an evil shithead. Commit to the bit, people. Besides, all we needed was his key.
LEIF
Okay, sure... Dez are you there?
DEZ
(In earpiece.)
Yeah.
LEIF
Alice, are you ready?
ALICE
Sure, lets make a map.
LEIF
Blow it, Dez.
DEZ
Fire in the hole.
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF SEVERAL DISTANT EXPLOSIONS.
DEZ (CONT’D)
Kind of a shame, I wanted to try that gruel.
LEIF
Alice, is it working?
ALICE
Analyzing the seismic data from the explosions in the sub-basement... Bingo. I now have a sonar wire-frame map of the Tower of Enlightenment.
LEIF
Who’s the smartest guy?
VERGE
You are.
ALICE
I mean, I made the map.
LEIF
Which floor looks like jail cells?
ALICE
Probably about ten floors down.
VERGE
I’ve got the key. Let’s go save the princess.
INSIDE BERTBERT’S JAIL CELL.
BERTBERT
Hello?... Hello?... What was that sound, it sounded like an explosion?
33RD ACOLYTE
(Outside the door.)
Be quiet in there!
BERTBERT
It sounded pretty serious, are you sure you don’t want to check it out? Maybe you should call someone on your communicator, oh wait you don’t have one because technology is evil.
33RD ACOLYTE
Don’t your kind ever shut up?
BERTBERT
Historically, no.
33RD ACOLYTE
I am going to be there personally when they walk you to the neutralization chamber and I am going to love-... Who are you?
LEIF
(Outside the door.)
Hi. Could you hold this for a second?
33RD ACOLYTE
What is it?
WE HEAR A SIERES OF ELECTRIC SHOCKS.
33RD ACOLYTE (CONT’D)
Hfhjiwdkljkopfkodpksakmppppppp
THE 33RD ACOLYTE FALLS TO THE GROUND.
BERTBERT
Hello?
THE PRISON DOOR IS UNLOCKED AND SWINGS OPEN.
LEIF
Did someone order some criminals?
BERTBERT
Holy shit. Thank God.
VERGE
I’m assuming you’ve got some sort of martyrdom thing going on, sorry to ruin that for you.
BERTBERT
Get me the fuck out of here.
VERGE
Right this way M’lady.
LEIF
Okay, here’s the plan. We open all the jail cells, the prisoners run down to the bottom floor to escape and in doing so, distract the rest of the acolytes, then we head up to the roof where Dez picks us up in the Nancy Sinatra.
BERTBERT
Fine, whatever, let’s go.
LEIF
You two handle the freeing of the prisoners, I’ll meet you on the roof.
VERGE
Where are you going?
LEIF
There’s something I’d like to do before we go.
BERTBERT
What, hit the gift shop?
LEIF
Don’t worry about it. I’ll see you two on the roof.
VERGE
You’re insane.
LEIF
I know.
BERTBERT
Okay, well, what do I do?
VERGE
Keep watch around the corner while I unlock these doors. Take this.
BERTBERT
That’s a gun.
VERGE
Yes.
BERTBERT
Why am I taking it?
VERGE
To heat up a burrito, BertBert, why do you think?
BERTBERT
I’ve never shot a gun before.
VERGE
And I’ve never broken a Sigian out of prison, look at how we’re growing.
VERGE STARTS UNLOCKING PRISON CELLS.
VERGE (CONT’D)
Okay, people. Closing time. Please exit certain doom through the ground floor.
THE PRISONERS START TO RUSH FOR THE EXITS.
VERGE (CONT’D)
In case you’re wondering, yes, this is a Vapian freeing you from execution, please remember that the next time you’re saying racist shit about us. Probably too much to ask.
34TH ACOLYTE
There they are!
BERTBERT
Verge, they’re coming what do I do?
VERGE
What do you think I gave you the gun for?
BERTBERT
Fuck. Shit. Okay. Fuuuuuuuuck....
BERTBERT FIRES SEVERAL SHOTS.
34TH ACOLYTE
She’s got a gun!!!
BERTBERT FIRES SEVERAL MORE SHOTS.
BERTBERT
Am I doing this right?
VERGE
Probably not, but they don’t know that.
ONE OF THE ACOLYTES SCREAMS.
BERTBERT
Oh God, I hit one of them. Verge, I hit one of them.
VERGE
That is kind of the point.
BERTBERT
I just murdered someone. Oh, God I just murdered someone.
VERGE
If you murder a murderer it doesn’t count as murder.
BERTBERT
Where is that written?
VERGE
On my left ass cheek. Let’s head for the roof.
WE MOVE TO THE ROOF. THE ENGINES OF THE NANCY SINATRA ARE IDLING. DEZ STANDS WITH HIS BIG FOOT ON ONE OF THE ACOLYTES.
29TH ACOLYTE
(Hard to understand with his face smushed into the ground.)
You’ll live to regret this techno-slave.
DEZ
I’m having a hard time understanding you there, pal. I’m going to regret this, is that the deal?
29TH ACOLYTE
Yes!
DEZ
Regret’s not really a problem for my people. See for Truskans there’s “What you do” and then there’s... well that’s really it. The stuff you don’t do doesn’t exist, and I can’t talk to you about something that doesn’t exist. Know what I mean?
29TH ACOLYTE No!
DEZ
What’s that?
29TH ACOLYTE No!
DEZ
That’s a shame. Way easier to live life that way.
BERTBERT
Dez!
DEZ
Hey there.
VERGE
Where’s Leif?
DEZ
I thought he was with you?
VERGE
He took a detour for some reason.
DEZ
I’m sure he’ll be along. I met this guy. Say hello, Guy.
29TH ACOLYTE Hello.
DEZ
Berts, you got yourself in a bit of a spot there.
BERTBERT
Just a bit of a spot, Dez. Yes.
LEIF
Are we ready to go?
VERGE
Where did you go?
LEIF
Don’t worry about it.
DEZ
All aboard. You can go now, Guy.
29TH ACOLYTE
You heathens! You will all die in the light of the anomaly!
VERGE
Oh, get the fuck-
VERGE STARTS SHOOTING AT HIS FEET.
29TH ACOLYTE
Ahhh! Ahhhhhh!
VERGE
Get the fuck out of here!
DOORS CLOSE ON THE NANCY SINATRA.
DEZ
Warming up the engines. Hey, Berts, you reconsidering a life in the nosey business there?
BERTBERT
Dez, what the hell are you doing here? You didn’t seem like the criminal type.
DEZ
What, you never got a Truskan Reminder before?
BERTBERT
What?
DEZ
Truskan Reminder. You know, suddenly your ship disappears from a docking station without a trace.
BERTBERT
What does that have to do with anything?
DEZ
On Trusk we figure, y’know, we built these ships, we can pretty much take them back any time we want.
BERTBERT
That’s wildly illegal.
DEZ
Yeah sure, YOU call it crime, but that’s a classification issue, if you catch my meaning.
LEIF
I got you something.
VERGE
What’s that?
LEIF
Here.
VERGE
It’s a remote.
LEIF
Yeah, press the button.
VERGE
What is it?
LEIF
It’s a present, press the button.
VERGE
... Okay.
REMOTE BEEPS. WE HEAR A SERIES OF EXPLOSIONS AND THE TEMPLE OF ENLIGHTENMENT BEGINNING TO COLLAPSE.
BERTBERT
Oh my God. Is the building collapsing?!
LEIF
Dez, you better get us in the air.
DEZ
Here we go.
ENGINES BEGIN TO FIRE ON THE NANCY SINATRA AND THE SOUND OF THE BUILDING’S COLLAPSE GROWS LOUDER AND LOUDER.
LEIF
There it goes.
VERGE
What did you do?
LEIF
I saw the wire-frame and I thought, “Really would only take four explosions in the right place to bring it down.” So...
VERGE
And this is... a gift?
LEIF
Yeah.
VERGE
Leif... That’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
LEIF
Aw, stop.
BERTBERT
Did... you just kill every single one of the Science Priests?
LEIF
I mean... they were all clones... Technically I only killed one guy.
VERGE
They’ll make more.
DEZ
Building wasn’t structurally sound anyways.
BERTBERT
... Where is the booze on this ship?
THE END