Part One: Bertiluna
THE SOUNDS OF A SPRAWLING SPACE PORT.
VOICE
Welcome to Sirius-A, now sponsored by the Ted Empire. Be sure and visit our new Ted Mall, and get outfitted for your new intergalactic adventure.
YOUNG LEIF
Holy shit…
A GIGANTIC ALIEN WALKS BY.
YOUNG LEIF (CONT’D)
Uh, hey there. Hey could you tell me-
IT GRUNTS IN AN ALIEN LANGUAGE AND CONTINUES WALKING.
YOUNG LEIF (CONT’D)
Thanks… Nice to meet you…
BERTBERT
Hey.
YOUNG LEIF … Hi.
BERTBERT
You from Earth?
YOUNG LEIF
Yeah, how could you tell?
BERTBERT
Because you look like an Earthling and you’re speaking English.
YOUNG LEIF
Yeah. Dead giveaway. I’m Leif.
BERTBERT
Bertiluna. Call me BertBert.
YOUNG LEIF
Nice to meet you BertBert.
BERTBERT
Pretty crazy, huh?
YOUNG LEIF
Yeah, this is a lot.
BERTBERT
First time off world, I’m assuming.
YOUNG LEIF
Yeah, we haven’t really mastered space travel, in fact we haven’t really mastered anything.
BERTBERT
Oh yeah, I know.
YOUNG LEIF
Maybe you can help me, I’m supposed to go to the Ted Mall, some place called Triad Outfitters.
BERTBERT
Oh no. Don’t go there, that place is the worst. What kind of credit do you have?
YOUNG LEIF
I just have this card.
BERTBERT
Ew, TedCreds, gross.
YOUNG LEIF
Is that bad?
BERTBERT
It’s fine. It’s like a gift certificate for a shitty store.
YOUNG LEIF
Oh. Bummer.
BERTBERT
You know what? I think I can help you out.
YOUNG LEIF
Oh yeah?
BERTBERT
How do you feel about shady business transactions?
YOUNG LEIF
Love em.
BERTBERT
Perfect. Follow me, Leif.
YOUNG LEIF Cool.
THEY WALK.
YOUNG LEIF (CONT’D)
You’re speaking English.
BERTBERT
Yeah. A lot of us do out here.
YOUNG LEIF
Really?
BERTBERT
We really like your television. It’s hard not to at least pick up a phrase or two.
YOUNG LEIF
Our television? Really? All the way out here?
BERTBERT
Oh yeah. My favorite’s Murphy Brown, what’s yours?
YOUNG LEIF
I actually don’t watch a lot of television. I didn’t have one when I was a kid, so…
BERTBERT
You don’t watch television? What a waste of being an Earthling.
YOUNG LEIF
I get that a lot. Apparently I can catch up now.
BERTBERT
So where are you headed?
YOUNG LEIF
Fuck. I have no idea.
BERTBERT
That’s not a bad place to be in. I kind of don’t know either.
YOUNG LEIF
Why is that?
BERTBERT
Okay, stop here for a minute.
YOUNG LEIF
What are we doing?
BERTBERT
Acting casual.
YOUNG LEIF Okay.
BERTBERT
Then we’re looking to the left and to the right without anyone knowing that we’re looking left and right.
YOUNG LEIF
And THEN what are we doing?
RYTHMIC KNOCKING SOUND ON METAL. DOOR SLIDING OPEN.
BERTBERT
Welcome to Trunder’s Down Under. Let’s go shopping.
YOUNG LEIF
Sweet.
MUSIC STARTS PLAYING. PEOPLE TALKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGES.
BERTBERT
So there’s a place like this in every major station but you kind of have to look for it. It’s like a trading post. You can’t spend your TedCreds here but you can trade the card for stuff that’s actually useful.
YOUNG LEIF
This place is awesome.
BERTBERT
Let’s get you outfitted for life in the Three Gs, Leif.
YOUNG LEIF
The Three Gs?
BERTBERT
Three galaxies. Milky Way, Andromeda and Triangulum. You call it the uh…
YOUNG LEIF
Local group.
BERTBERT
Local group, right. That’s your home now.
YOUNG LEIF Wow.
BERTBERT
First things first: You need a Tangle. Here.
YOUNG LEIF
What is this?
BERTBERT
That’s everything. It’s a communicator, a personal computer, all your credits will be on there.
YOUNG LEIF
Okay, is it a good idea for so much stuff to be in one device?
BERTBERT
No, it’s a terrible idea, Leif, but I think you’ll find these three galaxies are full of terrible ideas. Everybody has one so you need to have one, know what I mean?
YOUNG LEIF Okay.
BERTBERT
What else?
YOUNG LEIF
Can I buy some music here? I brought some tapes but I’d like to listen to what people listen to out here.
BERTBERT
Buy? Music?
YOUNG LEIF Yeah.
BERTBERT
Oh right. You use tapes and discs and stuff.
YOUNG LEIF
Well, yeah.
BERTBERT
Your Tangle also does that.
YOUNG LEIF
Seriously?
BERTBERT
Yeah. Pretty much every song ever written on your planet is on there.
YOUNG LEIF
Every song? In this thing?
BERTBERT
Yes.
YOUNG LEIF
That’s amazing and also kind of disappointing. Why is it disappointing?
BERTBERT
Earthlings like things. I know what you mean though, somehow every song you ever wanted to hear magically coming out of nowhere is kind of a, what’s the word? Bummer?
YOUNG LEIF
It is. I guess I like the rattle of a cassette tape. Now I have to get used to… well nothing at all. Music coming out of the air.
BERTBERT
Technically all music comes out of the air.
YOUNG LEIF
Good point. Is there anything this thing can’t do?
BERTBERT
Yes, which is why you need this.
YOUNG LEIF
This is… a sharp knife.
BERTBERT
Yes.
YOUNG LEIF
What will I need this for?
BERTBERT
Sometimes when you’re out there among the stars you need complicated technology and sometimes you just need a pointy thing.
YOUNG LEIF
Okay. Hey, do I get a phaser or a blaster or something like that?
BERTBERT
You really trust yourself with a phaser or a blaster, Leif?
YOUNG LEIF …No.
BERTBERT
That’s right. I’m going to take your TedCreds and trade them for the Tangle, the knife and then for some currency you can actually spend anywhere you want.
YOUNG LEIF
Okay. You’re not a con artist are you?
BERTBERT
Do I look like a con artist to you?
YOUNG LEIF
No.
BERTBERT
What do I look like?
YOUNG LEIF
...You look great.
BERTBERT
Okay. I’ll be right back.
YOUNG LEIF
… So tell me, Tangle, how do you work?
TANGLE
Hello. Please proceed with biometric sample.
YOUNG LEIF Whoa.
TANGLE
Biometric sample please.
BERTBERT
Ooop! No. Don’t do that!
YOUNG LEIF
What is it asking for?
BERTBERT
You need to wipe it first.
YOUNG LEIF
What do you mean?
BERTBERT
This has the preloaded Ted OS. You need to scrub it out
TANGLE
Biometric sample pl-
YOUNG LEIF
What’s happening?
BERTBERT
There’s a button on here that they try and hide from you. It gets rid of the bad stuff.
YOUNG LEIF
Bad stuff?
BERTBERT
Tracking ticks. Bio-sampling. Trust me.
YOUNG LEIF Okay.
BERTBERT
Say something. Say a sentence.
YOUNG LEIF
Uh...In 1970 Dock Ellis pitched a no-hitter on LSD.
TANGLE
Language calibration: Earth. Subgroup: American English. Variation: Northern California.
YOUNG LEIF Whoa.
TANGLE
What’s up? I’m your Tangle.
YOUNG LEIF
Hi.
TANGLE
This is when you tell me your name.
YOUNG LEIF
Oh. I’m Leif.
TANGLE
Hey Leif. So you can call me Tangle or you can customize my name.
YOUNG LEIF
Oh, cool. Uh…
TANGLE
I know, it’s hard, right?
YOUNG LEIF Yeah.
TANGLE
If it helps you can customize my voice, too.
YOUNG LEIF
No, this one’s good. How about Alice?
ALICE
Cool. I’ll answer to the name Alice from now on.
YOUNG LEIF
Ok. Are you… always listening?
ALICE
I am.
YOUNG LEIF
Any way I can turn that off?
ALICE
Nope. You’ll get used to it.
YOUNG LEIF Okay.
BERTBERT
You now have a Tangle.
ALICE
Is this someone I should know?
BERTBERT
Hi, Alice. Can you put me down as BertBert, subcategory “Leif’s First Space Friend”.
ALICE
Nice to meet you, BertBert.
BERTBERT
Okay, you’ve got your tangle, a knife, and I just got you some money.
ALICE
You just received 10,000 sills from Trunder’s Down Under at Sirius-A.
YOUNG LEIF
What did I just get 10,000 of?
BERTBERT
Sills. It’s money from my planet, you can spend it pretty much anywhere.
YOUNG LEIF
Am I rich?
BERTBERT
No. But you do have what Earthlings would call “Fuck You Money”.
YOUNG LEIF
What does that mean?
BERTBERT
It means you’re good for a while.
YOUNG LEIF
Alright. Thanks so much for doing this, BertBert.
BERTBERT
It’s no problem. How about you use some of that fuck you money and buy me a drink?
YOUNG LEIF Sure.
THE SCENE SHIFTS TO INSIDE AN INTERGALACTIC BAR WITH STRANGE MUSIC PLAYING.
YOUNG LEIF (CONT’D)
This is pretty amazing.
BERTBERT
Honestly, this place kind of sucks now. See, the Ted Empire took over control of this station a while back and they sucked all the life out of it, it’s no fun anymore.
YOUNG LEIF
This is a pretty serious fantasy of a lot of Earthlings. “The bar in space”.
BERTBERT
Oh, right. Since that movie, right?
YOUNG LEIF
“That movie”? Star Wars.
BERTBERT
Yeah. Didn’t like it.
YOUNG LEIF
Wow...
BERTBERT
What?
YOUNG LEIF
I’m not on Earth anymore.
BERTBERT
No, you’re not.
YOUNG LEIF
Which means I feel comfortable saying this: I didn’t like Star Wars either.
BERTBERT
Really? Why not?
YOUNG LEIF
It’s problematic.
BERTBERT
Because of the Ewoks?
YOUNG LEIF
No. The robots.
BERTBERT
What about them?
YOUNG LEIF
They’re sentient.
BERTBERT
Sure.
YOUNG LEIF
But they’re forced to do jobs.
BERTBERT
...Sure.
YOUNG LEIF
That’s not okay.
BERTBERT
Huh... You’re right.
YOUNG LEIF
They’re slaves.
BERTBERT
I feel like that’s an extreme interpretation on your planet.
YOUNG LEIF
This is why I can finally say it. Why don’t you like it?
BERTBERT
Well, I bet if I made a movie about living on Earth, you’d probably hate it right?
YOUNG LEIF
You don’t know anything about living on Earth.
BERTBERT
Exactly.
YOUNG LEIF
What are you drinking?
BERTBERT
Hippon. It’s from my planet, it’s kind of like wine.
YOUNG LEIF
And what am I drinking?
BERTBERT
Dreg. It’s like beer. It’s from a planet called Trusk.
YOUNG LEIF
So you know a lot about my planet. What about yours?
BERTBERT
Sigius. You should visit some time, it’s nice.
YOUNG LEIF
What’s it like?
BERTBERT
We don’t have any huge land masses like you do. We’re a bunch of tiny islands. Lots of water, lots of volcanoes.
YOUNG LEIF
Why’d you leave?
BERTBERT
I wanted to travel. See what’s out there. I’ll go back soon.
LEIF LAUGHS.
BERTBERT (CONT’D)
What?
YOUNG LEIF
I’m talking to an alien.
BERTBERT
I’M talking to an alien.
YOUNG LEIF
I’m sitting at a bar having a drink with an alien.
BERTBERT
So are most people at this bar, Leif. There’s no aliens anymore, just a big mess.
YOUNG LEIF
I’m in way over my head.
BERTBERT
I know. You’ll get used to it.
YOUNG LEIF
On earth I was an engineer. A really good one.
BERTBERT
See, you’re a smart guy, you’ll adjust. If you don’t mind me asking, how’d you get here, Leif? There’s no way you got here on an Earth ship, Earth barely even has ships. You showed up at Sirius A with a pocket full of TedCreds so I’m assuming the Teds were involved somehow. Kinda weird.
YOUNG LEIF
I made a deal.
BERTBERT
What was the deal?
YOUNG LEIF
Apparently I’m not supposed to talk about it.
BERTBERT
Top secret, huh?
YOUNG LEIF
I don’t know if it’s TOP secret, but it was part of the deal.
BERTBERT
I’m intrigued.
YOUNG LEIF
I can’t tell you.
BERTBERT
Not even a little?
YOUNG LEIF
No.
BERTBERT
Why not?
YOUNG LEIF
Because I made a deal.
BERTBERT
But we’ve been through so much together.
YOUNG LEIF
I made a deal.
BERTBERT
Fine. Sorry, you were talking about how you feel like an idiot.
YOUNG LEIF
You know what I’ve seen so far?
BERTBERT
Tell me.
YOUNG LEIF
I’ve been on a ship that was going… I don’t even know how fast it was going and I felt nothing. No inertia. I’m sitting in a chair right now being pulled down by gravity. There shouldn’t be any gravity right now because I’m on a space station. I came here through a stable wormhole. I don’t know how any of this works.
BERTBERT
Neither do I.
YOUNG LEIF
But I’m an engineer. And I don’t design car engines, I’m a physics engineer. I solve incredibly complicated problems by building things. I was one of the smartest guys on my planet.
BERTBERT
Look at you.
YOUNG LEIF
And I feel like an idiot now. I feel like I know nothing.
BERTBERT
Well, if you’re such a smart guy then you’re still a smart guy, you just need to play catch up for a while.
YOUNG LEIF
Yeah, I guess so. You said you didn’t know where you were headed either?
BERTBERT
No. I’m on a Sinder.
YOUNG LEIF
What is that?
BERTBERT
When people on my planet reach a certain age sometimes they go on a Sinder. We travel around for a while.
YOUNG LEIF
So backpacking through Europe is a thing even in space, huh?
BERTBERT
Backpacking through Europe... American Werewolf in London?
YOUNG LEIF
That’s right.
BERTBERT
Yeah, it’s a thing. No werewolves though... There aren’t actually any werewolves on Earth, right?
YOUNG LEIF
No.
BERTBERT
I didn’t think so.
YOUNG LEIF
...So you saw me and just decided to take me under your wing, huh?
BERTBERT
You did look pretty out of sorts. You know what? I’m going to go order us some food.
YOUNG LEIF
You’re going to surprise me, aren’t you?
BERTBERT
I am.
YOUNG LEIF
And you’re going to deliberately get me something weird. Something that’s still alive.
BERTBERT
No. Don’t be ridiculous. It will probably be made from some sort of fungus though.
YOUNG LEIF
Great.
BERTBERT
Be right back.
YOUNG LEIF
Okay...
YOUNG LEIF (CONT’D) ... Hey Alice?
ALICE
Hi there.
YOUNG LEIF
So, I can ask you things and then you just tell me the answer?
ALICE
Yeah, sure. Within reason. Don’t ask me top secret things, I’m not allowed to know those.
YOUNG LEIF
She said she was from Sigius. Tell me about Sigius.
ALICE
Sigius. A habitable planet in the Galaxy Andromeda. Known throughout The Triad as innovators in geothermal energy and staunch defenders of journalistic integrity.
YOUNG LEIF
That’s an odd combo. What’s going on there?
ALICE
Sigius is one of six planets known as “The Original Coalition”. At the dawning of the intergalactic age six planets established contact with each other. Sigius, Greedon-4, Septsu, Urt, Vapus-10, and Garrion. They didn’t have the technology to travel to each other but did have the technology to talk to one another. It began a period of unparalleled scientific and cultural exchange. To this day, these planets are regarded as... kind of snobs.
YOUNG LEIF
Oh really?
ALICE
Well, I’m dumbing it down a little bit. My protocols don’t have much on humans but what I do know is that you’re kind of dummies and I should keep it simple.
YOUNG LEIF
Your protocols are correct.
ALICE
The Original Coalition are a center of intellectual prowess without much political power. One of those areas of intellectual prowess is journalism.
YOUNG LEIF
So she comes from “Planet Journalism”?
ALICE
More like she comes from “Planet Geothermal Energy” and journalism is what they do with all the free time that unlimited energy affords them.
YOUNG LEIF
Got it...
ALICE
What’s wrong, Leif?
YOUNG LEIF
Sticking with the “Backpacking through Europe” analogy... If I was in a foreign country and an attractive woman came up to me and expressed sudden interest out of the blue, I should maybe beware.
ALICE
Oh, okay. You think she’s a pickpocket or something?
YOUNG LEIF
I don’t know what she is. She said she was on a Sinder, what is that?
ALICE
Well, it’s interesting. To someone from Sigius, a Sinder is a period in young adulthood when one leaves the home planet and travels throughout The Triad to build character.
YOUNG LEIF
And what is it to everyone else?
ALICE
To everyone else it’s the Sigians being nosey. Many people think that a Sinder is actually a long fact-finding mission. When a young Sigian is done with a Sinder, they report their findings to the Sigian Council of Truth and Understanding.
YOUNG LEIF
She’s on the job right now.
ALICE
Maybe? After spending time on a Sinder, Sigians will then transition into being full-fledged journalists who then depend on information brought to them by those on a Sinder.
YOUNG LEIF
She’s an intern at the Washington Post is what you’re telling me.
ALICE
Possibly?
YOUNG LEIF
So there’s always young people from Sigius crawling all over the galaxies, collecting information for their home planet?
ALICE
It is quite common.
YOUNG LEIF
What does she want with me?
ALICE
Hey, don’t ask me, I’m just an algorithm.
BERTBERT
Okay, food’s on the way and you’re going to think it’s gross.
YOUNG LEIF
Great.
BERTBERT
So... we still haven’t solved the problem of what planet you’re going to first.
YOUNG LEIF
I thought I would go to your home planet of Sigius and report my findings to the Sigian Council of Truth and Understanding.
BERTBERT ...
YOUNG LEIF
...
BERTBERT
Shit.
YOUNG LEIF Yeah.
BERTBERT
I figured you’d find out eventually but I figured I had all kinds of time.
YOUNG LEIF
This is good. You almost convinced me that outer space was a nice place full of nice people.
BERTBERT
I’m sorry.
YOUNG LEIF
See you later, BertBert.
BERTBERT
No, Leif, come on.
LEIF STARTS WALKING THROUGH THE SPACE STATION. BERTBERT FOLLOWS.
BERTBERT (CONT’D)
Leif, let me apologize.
YOUNG LEIF
I’m good. Thanks for the knife and the device. I guess I know why I need the knife now.
BERTBERT
Leif, you’re an Earthling. It’s weird that you’re off world, I had to look into it.
YOUNG LEIF
You gave it your best shot.
BERTBERT
C’mon, Leif give me something.
YOUNG LEIF
Why in the world would I do that?
BERTBERT
I don’t know, because you’re nice?
LEIF STOPS.
YOUNG LEIF
Look, no harm no foul. You’re just out here doing your thing. You go out into space, you collect information and you bring it back home. It’s what you do. I mean, it’s weird. It’s kind of mormon-ish but whatever, it’s your thing. But it’s not my thing. So I’m going to hop on the next ship to wherever and probably stop trusting people.
BERTBERT
Leif, you’re not going to last ten seconds out there.
YOUNG LEIF
Oh yeah? Why is that?
BERTBERT
You don’t know what it’s like. I promise you you’re not ready for it.
YOUNG LEIF
What makes you so sure?
BERTBERT
I looked up where you’re from when I was ordering the food. Northern California? Leif. It’s trees and the ocean and small towns... It’s nice. But it’s nothing like up here. You’re going to get eaten alive up here, Leif. Trust me. You need a friend.
YOUNG LEIF
Friends don’t lie to each other.
BERTBERT
Yes they do, Leif. All the time... I think maybe you come from a place that’s really nice, so you’re probably expecting everywhere to be nice. And I think you might get hurt because of it... Look, was I investigating you a little bit? Yes. But it’s not because I want you to get hurt it’s because that’s what I do. Where I come from you don’t leave well enough alone. You go in. You investigate. It’s me. Just like this trusting attitude of yours is what you’re all about. It’s you.
YOUNG LEIF
It’s me?
BERTBERT
Yes.
YOUNG LEIF
... Is there anywhere I can smoke weed around here?
BERTBERT
Weed. This is... Marijuana?
YOUNG LEIF Yes.
BERTBERT
You brought Marijuana with you to space?
YOUNG LEIF
Of course I brought Marijuana with me to space.
BERTBERT
Um...
YOUNG LEIF
C’mon, you want me to trust you.
BERTBERT
Okay... okay follow me.
SCENE SHIFTS TO AN AIR TRANSFER STATION. THE LOW RUSHING OF OXYGEN. A METAL DOOR OPENS.
YOUNG LEIF
What is this place?
BERTBERT
Oxygen viaduct. If you smoke in here it will scrub the air before it gets into the main cabins.
YOUNG LEIF
Nice. What are you doing?
BERTBERT
I’m looking up how Marijuana will effect me.
YOUNG LEIF
You’re smoking with me?
BERTBERT
Yes, I am. Unless you’re going to be rude and not share your weird plant with me.
YOUNG LEIF
Can’t you just ask?
BERTBERT
Yes, yes I can but... I guess I was embarrassed about asking in front of you.
YOUNG LEIF
Alice, how will marijuana effect someone from Sigius?
ALICE
Sorry, no studies available.
YOUNG LEIF
Well, I guess we’re about to conduct one. There’s some information you can take back with you to the mother brain.
ALICE
Council of Truth and Understanding.
YOUNG LEIF Sure.
LEIF LIGHTS A JOINT AND INHALES.
YOUNG LEIF (CONT’D)
Hold it in your lungs for a second like this. Do you have lungs?
BERTBERT
Yes, Leif.
YOUNG LEIF
Here you go.
BERTBERT INHALES AND HOLDS.
BERTBERT
How long?
YOUNG LEIF
For you? Who knows?
BERTBERT EXHALES.
BERTBERT
Now what happens?
YOUNG LEIF
You turn green.
BERTBERT
Seriously, though.
YOUNG LEIF
How would I know?
BERTBERT ...
YOUNG LEIF
The design on this place isn’t great. I’ve been looking around. I have notes.
BERTBERT
It’s a relic. This station is a hundred years old, The Teds will probably replace it soon now that they run the place.
YOUNG LEIF
A hundred years. A hundred years ago humans were calling cars horseless carriages.
BERTBERT
You’re a little behind.
YOUNG LEIF
A bit.
BERTBERT
...Leif, I really am sorry.
YOUNG LEIF
Sorry you got caught or sorry your were being nosey liar?
BERTBERT
... Sorry I was being a nosey liar.
YOUNG LEIF
It’s fine.
BERTBERT
But my concern is genuine, okay? It’s not a movie out here. It’s dangerous. It’s no place for a kid from some forest wonderland.
YOUNG LEIF
It’s funny what people assume.
BERTBERT
What do you mean?
YOUNG LEIF
You looked up where I’m from. Forests? Ocean? Small towns?
BERTBERT
Yeah.
YOUNG LEIF
Let me tell you where I’m really from. I’m from Humboldt County, California. It’s four thousand square miles of dense forests that are filled. And I mean FILLED with illegal, paranoid, violent, pot farmers.
BERTBERT
Seriously?
YOUNG LEIF
I found a dead body when I was thirteen.
BERTBERT
Fuck!
YOUNG LEIF
Seriously. In the middle of the woods. I ran back to tell my parents about it and they said “Don’t tell anyone. It may come back on us.”
BERTBERT
No way.
YOUNG LEIF
My parents weren’t pot farmers. They were just old hippies. But they knew where they lived. And they knew there were some people you just didn’t talk to. I never learned that lesson. I got into some trouble here and there. It’s a lawless place, where I grew up. There’s police, but they know where they live, too. My childhood was spent streamlining the pot drying systems of weird dudes who always had a gun on them. Even when they slept.
BERTBERT
Okay. Well I made some assumptions, didn’t I?
YOUNG LEIF
It’s okay. Everyone on Earth who doesn’t live there makes the same assumption about where I’m from. They just see the trees. Anyway, you’ve been trying to warn me about where I find myself for the last few minutes and all you’ve told me... is that I’ve come home... A lawless place full of weirdos.
BERTBERT
Why am I more worried about you now?
YOUNG LEIF
Don’t be. I’m excited. Let’s go find me a ship.
BERTBERT
Ooooookay.
TRANSITION TO TRANSPORT TERMINAL THREE. SHIPS DOCKING AND DISEMBARKING.
BERTBERT (CONT’D)
Turns out marijuana doesn’t affect me.
YOUNG LEIF
Probably for the best. That was the last of it.
BERTBERT
So, what did you decide?
YOUNG LEIF
I like that beer you gave me. So I decided to go there. Trusk.
BERTBERT
Hoo boy.
YOUNG LEIF
What are Truskans like?
BERTBERT
Um. Huge. And intimidating. They’re herbivores though, so they wont eat you.
YOUNG LEIF
Great.
BERTBERT
Y’know, a lot of them, deep down, total sweeties.
YOUNG LEIF Okay.
BERTBERT
Just don’t ever insult their mother, because then they have to kill you.
YOUNG LEIF
Wow. Okay... What are you reading?
BERTBERT
Breaking news from Earth.
YOUNG LEIF
What’s going on?
BERTBERT
Uh... Somebody named Kurt Cobain just killed himself... why is that breaking news?
YOUNG LEIF
...Fuck.
BERTBERT
I’m sorry. Did you know him?
YOUNG LEIF
No... Nobody did.
BERTBERT
There’s candlelight vigils in a bunch of cities.
YOUNG LEIF
Damn, Kurt... Well, it’s official. There’s nobody cool left on Earth.
BERTBERT
... Hey, you have my ID on your Tangle. If I’m nearby we can talk in real time. If not you can leave me a message and I’ll get it.
YOUNG LEIF Okay.
BERTBERT
Can I check in on you sometimes? Are we at that level?
YOUNG LEIF
We can be at that level. Sure.
BERTBERT
Good... I really am sorry about the lying, Leif.
YOUNG LEIF
Don’t be. You were just doing your thing. I’m going to go do my thing for a while.
BERTBERT
Don’t do it too hard.
YOUNG LEIF
It’s good to meet you, BertBert. I wont be a stranger.
BERTBERT
Goodbye, leif.
LEIF WALKS OFF INTO THE CHAOS.
END OF PART ONE.