Part 9: The Mountain
WE START IN VERGE’S ROOM. ELDIN LAYS IT ALL OUT ON THE TABLE FOR FRANK.
ELDIN
There was a surprising amount of orthodoxy when it came to xenobiology in The Triad. For a very long time, the only version of life scientists were willing to talk about was the same model we’re all used to: organic compounds in, waste out, all of that fueling a centralized neural cluster. Now never mind that there were already examples that contradicted that model. You’re in the same room with one of them right now.
VERGE
Hi there.
ELDIN
Vapians have a central brain like you do but further down the abdomen are two sub-brains that help coordinate the additional appendages and can take on an additional work load in times of high demand. Octopuses on your planet are the same way. But the orthodoxy continued on for many a cycle and any xenobiologist who dared to challenge it was summarily sent to the fringes of the science. It wasn’t until an unauthorized treatise written by a xenobiologist known only as “The Gentleman” began to circulate through the community that minds began to change. In the treatise, it’s proposed that there was a viable alternative to the “organics in, organics out” model. It was called the “energy accumulation” model. Energy is everywhere to be harnessed. It need not be through biological processing that complexity be achieved. It reads “Here we stand, my fellows, with advancements our ancestors could not dream of, and still... life... the simplest thing, the most prevalent, the most mysterious.”
FRANK
Eldin, this is lovely but can we move it along a little?
ELDIN
The Gentleman suggested a life form that was simply an accumulation of energy, no real physical form except for a simple locus around which the energy could coalesce. As the energy accumulates, complexity is achieved, and sentience emerges.
It was all theoretical for years, but then one day, in an unexplored arm of Triangulum, there they were. The Orbus. A core of energy surrounded by a crystalline shell. They hovered wherever they went, communicated telepathically, and sustained themselves by absorbing ambient cosmic radiation.
VERGE
Nicest people you’ll ever meet.
ELDIN
Yes, they are quite lovely.
FRANK
They’re... orbs.
ELDIN
Correct. They are a strange race and very rare, but, y’know, that’s Triangulum.
FRANK
What does this have to do with me?
ELDIN
Life, as we know it, takes many forms. All of them valid. It doesn’t sound to me like you’ve been cursed or turned into some sort of abomination by your encounter with this woman Clementine. It sounds as though she, unwittingly, created a new form of life, and placed you inside the prototype.
FRANK
I liked being human.
ELDIN
We all strive toward the familiar, Frank. It’s understandable. But if I may be so bold, I think you’ll come to enjoy this new shape you’re in. You get to test drive a new form of life. It’s a rare privilege.
FRANK
A form of life that was created accidentally.
ELDIN
That describes most forms of life, even your former species. A chain of proteins makes a wrong turn one day in the primordial ooze. Next thing you know they’re walking around having existential crises all day.
FRANK
I don’t want to be an orb, Eldin.
ELDIN
I’m not suggesting you’re an orb, Frank.
FRANK
I eat breakfast in the morning like everyone else.
ELDIN
And I think you should continue to do that. We don’t know exactly how you work yet, it’s going to take some time. We know spores have no effect on you, we know you’re not sleeping, we know you can somehow survive a fall of about a hundred meters—but there’s much more to learn. I’ll monitor you, make notes, it’ll be fun.
VERGE
I think your glee is kind of freaking him out, Eldin.
ELDIN
Yes, I’m sure it is. We’re making history here, Frank. You’re going to appear in journals all over three galaxies. You’re going to be a celebrity.
VERGE
Ooh, don’t think that’s a plus for him, Eldin.
FRANK
It is not.
ELDIN
Very well, I’ll keep it all between us for the time being and I won’t share any data until you say so. Fair enough?
FRANK
... Fair enough.
VERGE
There’s no rulebook for this, Frank. But, look around, there’s no rule book for any of this bullshit.
FRANK
The two of you are acting like I just found out I’m color blind or something, this is a little bigger than that.
ELDIN
We don’t have much to offer you, other than what I’ve said, Frank. Verge is right, there’ no rule book for this, but we do know that all of this hootenanny is related to an encounter with Midnight Burger.
We don’t know a lot about Midnight Burger, but it did take up residency in The Triad recently and stirred up all sorts of trouble, so we know more now than we did before. Wherever that thing goes, very strange things happen. You’re one of them. But we’ve yet to see it have a negative effect on anyone it encounters. Pay attention to yourself, take it slow, and we’ll know more every day.
VERGE
But, Frank. You need to tell June.
ELDIN
Yes, speaking of glee that will make you uncomfortable, I do think it’s time to tell June.
FRANK
Yeah... yeah, I know. Where is she right now?
ELDIN
She is... hm.
FRANK
What?
ELDIN
One moment...
FRANK
... Eldin.
ELDIN
June can’t be located.
FRANK
What?
ELDIN
I’m not getting a signal from her phone.
FRANK
Did she forget to charge her phone again?
ELDIN
Fun fact: even when your phone is off I can track you.
FRANK
She just disappeared?
ELDIN
Well. No...
FRANK
Eldin.
ELDIN
Frank this is going to upset you but I have said before that your phones are very insecure.
FRANK
And?
ELDIN
This means... that I am constantly monitoring everyone in town and keeping detailed records on their whereabouts and... all of their conversations.
FRANK
Are you fucking kidding me?
ELDIN
In my defense, this is how Verge and I always operate, I need to be aware of our surroundings at all times.
VERGE
I’m not spying on people, Frank, Eldin’s only allowed to tell me things that effect my personal safety, everything else is in the vault.
ELDIN
That’s correct. Only when it’s a matter of life and death.
VERGE
Or funny.
ELDIN
Yes, there have been some funny bits I’ve shared. Did you know that Edgy Steve enjoys opera?
FRANK
Okay... Eldin we are going to have a very broad conversation about this very soon, but can you tell me what’s going on with June, please?
ELDIN
One moment. Let me compile a narrative from the data... Aha... well...
FRANK
What?
ELDIN
June wanted to cheer up Deidre, so they decided to procure some alcohol and head over to Deidre’s house to come up with some design ideas for when she moves back in.
FRANK
Okay.
ELDIN
This very quickly turned into the two of them becoming inebriated.
FRANK
Expected.
ELDIN
And June unveiling a theory that she knows where the quote “secret military base” is.
FRANK
Jesus Christ.
ELDIN
And the two of them driving to it’s alleged location.
FRANK
Great.
ELDIN
Where they then disappeared.
VERGE
What?
FRANK
Disappeared?
ELDIN
Yes.
FRANK
Disappeared... in an explainable way?
ELDIN
I believe so, yes.
VERGE
What is the explanation, Eldin?
ELDIN
It’s obviously the secret military base.
FRANK
... There’s really a secret military base?
ELDIN
Well, “secret” is a strong word. None of you knew it was there, seriously? It’s right there, Frank.
FRANK
I’ve never seen anything that suggests a secret military base. I grew up here, Eldin.
ELDIN
It’s giving off all sorts of frequencies, you never heard any strange sounds on your radio?
FRANK
Yes, I thought they were just radio sounds.
ELDIN
They are radio sounds, Frank. Radio sounds from the secret military base.
FRANK
Goddamnit. And what, they’re being held there now?
ELDIN
I would imagine so. Their phones have most likely been put in some sort of frequency blocking container.
FRANK
How the hell have they been hiding a military base in town?
ELDIN
It’s not in town, technically. About three kilometers around the mountain.
FRANK
What are they doing there?
ELDIN
I could tell you but I’d have to hack into their mainframe. That sort of thing requires permission.
FRANK
I give you permission.
ELDIN
Not from you.
VERGE
Do it.
ELDIN
One moment. Hello military firewall. Goodbye military firewall, and... Aha. It’s not categorized as a base, but rather a listening station. This nation’s government has them placed in strategic places all over the country, in quote “areas of interest.”
VERGE
What do they do to intruders?
ELDIN
I’m afraid intruders are at the mercy of the United States Military.
VERGE
And that entails?
ELDIN
It depends entirely on what they have and haven’t witnessed there at the station. If they’ve witnessed top secret operations, something is enacted called “Operation: Quick Wash.” Would you like a description?
VERGE HOLSTERS THEIR PISTOL AND PUTS ON THEIR JACKET.
VERGE
Nope. Frank, stay here. Let’s go, Eldin.
FRANK
Where are you going?
VERGE
Stay here!
THE DOOR CLOSES.
ELDIN
(In Frank’s phone.)
Hello, Frank. I’m in your phone again. It’s still terrible in here, would you mind if I made some changes to your firmware?
FRANK
Yes, I would mind.
ELDIN
Alright.
WE MOVE TO TRINKETT’S SHOP. TRINKETT IS ASLEEP AND WAKES UP WITH A START. AFTER SHE CATCHES HER BREATH, SHE GETS OUT OF BED AND PICKS UP THE PHONE. SHE DIALS AND GETS VOICEMAIL.
TRINKETT
Hey Frank, call me when you get this. Is anything going on? I just had the strangest dream. Call me.
SHE HANGS UP.
TRINKETT (CONT’D)
He’s going to love that.
TRINKETT WALKS OUTSIDE. THE TOWN IS QUIET.
TRINKETT (CONT’D)
... What are you telling me?
AFTER A MOMENT, DOUG COMES AROUND THE CORNER.
DOUG
Trinkett?
TRINKETT
Oh, hey Doug.
DOUG
What are you doing out here?
TRINKETT
... I’m not sure. I had a very strange dream. What are you doing out here?
DOUG
Just closed up shop.
TRINKETT
... Anything going on?
DOUG
Not really. Been a quiet night, it’s been nice. Oh, Haisly Jay came by and bought a bunch of deer repellent. She just said, “I’ve got them on the run.” Whatever that means.
TRINKETT
Okay... I think I need to go to the Glade of Wishes.
DOUG
Okay. Do you need a ride?
TRINKETT
No, I think I need to walk.
DOUG
Okay.
TRINKETT
... Would you come with me?
DOUG
Yeah, sure.
TRINKETT
Thanks.
THEY START WALKING. WE MOVE TO AN EMPTY ROOM IN THE SECRET MILITARY BASE. DEIDRE IS PACING AND JUNE, A LITTLE DRUNK, IS SITTING AT A TABLE.
DEIDRE
I can’t believe I let you talk me into this.
JUNE
I don’t know, Deidre, I’m feeling pretty triumphant right now.
DEIDRE
We’re prisoners, June.
JUNE
Of the secret military base that nobody believed was here. Huge win for us.
DEIDRE
I can’t believe you were right about this.
JUNE
That’s right, Deidre. Like most visionaries, they called me insane. But look at me now!
DEIDRE
Exactly. Look at you now. A prisoner.
JUNE
They can lock me up, but they can’t lock up the TRUTH, Deidre.
DEIDRE
June, I think your plan to cheer me up has failed.
JUNE
Nonsense, you’re having a great time.
DEIDRE
I’m not.
JUNE
You know what we need? We just need a couple of drinky-poos to get us nice and centered. Hey!
Where’s the beverage service in here?! What kind of establishment are you running exactly?!
DEIDRE
I really thought I was going to have a day where nothing fucked up happened.
JUNE
I know Deidre, but be honest. If nothing fucked up happened, wouldn’t you be just a little bit bored?
DEIDRE
No.
JUNE
Tiny bit?
DEIDRE
No.
JUNE
Just a little bit?
DEIDRE
June.
JUNE
Deidre, this is going to be great. They’re going to ask us some questions and then let us go. We jumped over a fence, big deal. Damn, I wish Celeste was here to see this. She was the only other one who believed in the military base.
DEIDRE
...
JUNE
...
DEIDRE
Celeste.
JUNE
Celeste.
DEIDRE
Who no one has seen for weeks.
JUNE
Yes.
DEIDRE
Who also thought there was a secret military base.
JUNE
Uh huh.
DEIDRE
... Oh my God.
JUNE
They have Celeste!
DEIDRE
She’s been gone for weeks, how long are they going to hold us here!?
JUNE
We’re not leaving here without Celeste, you bastards!
THE DOOR TO THE ROOM OPENS. PRIVATE DEBORAH KENNEDY ENTERS WITH A CLIPBOARD.
PRIVATE KENNEDY
Could you both sit down, please?
JUNE
Who are you, what’s your deal?
PRIVATE KENNEDY
My name is Private Deborah Kennedy and you’re both in a lot of trouble. I suggest you sit down.
DEIDRE
Oh God.
DEIDRE SITS DOWN.
JUNE
Listen here, Deborah. You’re the one who’s in a lot of trouble. You can’t just operate a secret military base without telling anybody.
PRIVATE KENNEDY
Not telling anybody is the key factor in operating a secret military base.
JUNE
Don’t get smart with me, Debbie.
PRIVATE KENNEDY
Please don’t call me Debbie.
DEIDRE
Private, we’re very sorry and we’re going to answer all your questions. I swear we didn’t mean to end up here.
PRIVATE KENNEDY Good.
DEBORAH SITS.
PRIVATE KENNEDY (CONT’D) Full names, please?
DEIDRE
Deidre Peppercorns.
JUNE LAUGHS.
DEIDRE (CONT’D) June.
JUNE
I’m sorry, I keep forgetting that’s your last name.
DEIDRE
That’s always been my last name.
JUNE
I know, I just... Debbie there’s this guy, he owns half the town and Deidre is his granddaughter and... sorry, sometimes I just forget the connection.
PRIVATE KENNEDY
This is one Theo Alex Dean Johansson Peppercorns?
JUNE
I’m sorry, what?
DEIDRE
Yes, that’s his full name.
JUNE
T.J. is Theo Alex Dean Johansson Peppercorns?
DEIDRE
You knew that.
JUNE
No I didn’t. If I had known that I would’ve been laughing for my entire life. How did it end up being T.J.?
DEIDRE
I guess because T.A.D.J. Peppercorns sounds funny.
JUNE
Anything sounds funny when you put Peppercorns at the end of it.
DEIDRE
That’s my name.
JUNE
And it’s funny.
PRIVATE KENNEDY
Excuse me. Your full name?
JUNE
I’m sorry. C.R. Iptid.
PRIVATE KENNEDY
... You’re clearly just spelling the word “Cryptid.”
JUNE
Well God forbid somebody have a funny name around here.
DEIDRE
Please just tell her your name.
JUNE
She already knows my name. She took our IDs, remember?
PRIVATE KENNEDY
I’m checking for known aliases.
JUNE
If you have to ask, it’s not a known alias is it, Debbie?
PRIVATE KENNEDY
Ladies... this is your one opportunity to convince us you’re not here for nefarious purposes. I suggest you take advantage of it.
DEIDRE
We’re very sorry.
JUNE
I’m not sorry—she doesn’t speak for me. Deidre, c’mon, we’ve got to play hard ball with these people.
PRIVATE KENNEDY
You have literally zero bargaining power right now. You were both caught trying to break into a military facility.
DEIDRE
I swear that’s not what we were trying to do.
JUNE
That’s right, we weren’t trying. We succeeded, Debbie! We broke into your little treehouse—just a couple of broads on a bender, how does that feel?
DEIDRE
Oh God, I give up.
JUNE
Where’s Celeste, Debbie?
DEIDRE
We’re not holding Celeste.
JUNE
Oh yeah? Why is that, because you already transferred her to Guantanamo Bay?!
DEIDRE
Private, can you please tell us what we can do to fix this? We really didn’t mean any harm.
JUNE
You know, Celeste was just a misguided little weirdo and you all took her away from us and stowed her god knows where, you should be ashamed of yourself, Private Debbie!
THE DOOR OPENS AND CELESTE WALKS IN. SHE IS WEARING A MILITARY UNIFORM.
CELESTE
You’re dismissed, Private.
PRIVATE KENNEDY EXITS.
DEIDRE
...Celeste?
CELESTE
Deidre.
DEIDRE
Celeste, what are you wearing?
CELESTE
A uniform, Deidre.
DEIDRE
... Why?
CELESTE
... Because I’m in the military.
JUNE
Since when?
CELESTE
Since I was eighteen years old, June.
JUNE
Celeste, you need to absolutely get the fuck out of here.
CELESTE
I’d prefer Sergeant Major Joos (Yose), if you don’t mind.
JUNE
I mind!
DEIDRE
Celeste, you... you’re in charge of this place?
CELESTE
Yes, I am, Deidre.
DEIDRE
But... you were always saying you suspected a secret military base was nearby.
CELESTE
That’s correct.
DEIDRE
But... you’ve been running it?
JUNE
You’ve been a double agent this whole time?! You sneaky little snot! Also: respect. Pretty impressive.
CELESTE
It’s standard psy-ops, Deidre. When you want to discredit an idea you plant someone on the inside that makes the idea look ridiculous. Nobody took me seriously in town, so when I talked about a secret military base they instantly dismissed it.
JUNE
I didn’t! I didn’t fall for it, Celeste! Look at me now! All your base are belong to me!
CELESTE
That’s true, June. Congratulations.
JUNE
Thank you.
CELESTE
That did just help me, though. Nobody takes you seriously either.
JUNE
How dare you?!
DEIDRE
Celeste, so... all this time, you living in town has just been a big lie?
CELESTE
I’m afraid so, Deidre.
DEIDRE
Celeste I... I helped you paint your living room one time, you... you were a part of this town. You’ve been lying the whole time?
CELESTE
Deidre-
DEIDRE
We threw a birthday party for you at the Sheep’s Eye.
CELESTE
... Yes, I understand that-
JUNE
Celeste, do you see what you’ve done? Do you see how you’ve hurt poor Deidre over here?
CELESTE
Deidre I... I did live there. That was my home. It is. It was just... when you thought I was at home all day watching daytime television, I was just here.
JUNE
At the secret military base.
CELESTE
At the secret military base.
JUNE
Being a big fat liar.
CELESTE
It’s a secret military base.
JUNE
Not anymore.
DEIDRE
But you disappeared a few weeks ago, what happened?
CELESTE
I’m afraid I can’t talk about that.
JUNE
Whatever.
A PHONE RINGS IN THE ROOM.
CELESTE
Hang on.
CELESTE ANSWERS THE PHONE.
CELESTE (CONT’D)
I said to not disturb me in here.
FRANK
(On the phone.)
Hey Celeste, I’m over at your house right now, thought I’d check up on you. I brought your mail in, it was really piling up. When do you think you’ll be heading back?
CELESTE
... Frank, what are you doing at my house?
FRANK
Just being a good neighbor. You know I didn’t peg you as a Hummel Figurine collector.
CELESTE
Frank-
FRANK
You know what, I can see that you’re busy, I’ll catch you at the Sheep’s Eye.
FRANK HANGS UP.
CELESTE
What the fuck?
PRIVATE KENNEDY
(On Celeste’s radio.)
Ma’am.
CELESTE
What is it?
PRIVATE KENNEDY
We’re getting several security alerts on the perimeter.
CELESTE
Goddamnit, June. Who else is here?
JUNE
Nobody.
CELESTE
June.
JUNE
Maybe it’s raccoons in your garbage cans again, Celeste.
CELESTE
Take a security detail and sweep the perimeter.
PRIVATE KENNEDY
Yes, ma’am.
THE PHONE RINGS AGAIN. CELESTE PICKS IT UP.
CELESTE
Hello?
FRANK
(On the phone.)
Hey, Celeste, one more thing. Do you think you’ll be back before the first freeze? I feel like I should leave the water running just a little bit, keep the pipes moving and all that. You don’t want a burst water pipe, water damage is a real killer.
CELESTE
Frank, how did you get this number?
FRANK
You know what, I’ll just go ahead an turn the taps on a little bit, better safe than sorry. Okay. Bye bye.
FRANK HANGS UP.
CELESTE
What the hell is going on?
JUNE
Celeste, what the hell is all this about? Why the hell is there a military base on this stupid mountain?
CELESTE
I’m afraid I can’t divulge that.
JUNE
C’mon, we’re all friends here. Or at least we thought we were until we found out you were a big fat liar.
CELESTE
I suggest you stay focused on getting out of the mess you’ve gotten yourself into.
JUNE
Oh, suggestions? Is there a suggestion box? I’d like to make a suggestion. I suggest that Celeste stop being such a lying fraud.
CELESTE
It’s Sergeant Major Joss.
JUNE
Celeste, I would rather rewatch The Phantom Menace than call you Sergeant Major.
DEIDRE
Wait. She said that she was in town to throw us off the trail?
JUNE
Yeah.
DEIDRE
Which means that everything she said in town about the secret military base was the true thing that she didn’t want us to know.
JUNE
Deidre, you’re a damn genius. What did she say?
DEIDRE
She said it was a listening station.
JUNE
You did.
CELESTE
You said it was a listening station.
JUNE
I did?
DEIDRE
You agreed with her.
JUNE
You did?
DEIDRE
She did.
JUNE
You did.
CELESTE
... I can’t divulge what goes on here.
PRIVATE KENNEDY
(On radio.)
Ma’am?
CELESTE
What is it?
PRIVATE KENNEDY There’s...
CELESTE
What is it?
PRIVATE KENNEDY
We’re not seeing anything on the perimeter.
CELESTE
Okay.
PRIVATE KENNEDY
But... I think I keep hearing something.
CELESTE
Hearing what?
PRIVATE KENNEDY
I don’t know.
CELESTE
Alright... cut the flood lights and switch to night vision goggles.
PRIVATE KENNEDY
Yes, ma’am. Cutting flood lights...
THE PHONE RINGS AGAIN. CELESTE PICKS UP.
CELESTE
Frank, goddamn it.
FRANK
(On the phone.)
Grass is getting a little long over here, Celeste. Do you want me to get our landscaping guy over here? He can take care of it no problem.
CELESTE
Frank, get out of my house.
FRANK
He’s coming by Tuesday, I’ll tell him to take a look.
FRANK HANGS UP.
PRIVATE KENNEDY
Night vision goggles on... oh my God.
OVER THE RADIO WE HEAR A CACOPHONY OF SOUNDS. MEN SCREAMING, RANDOM SPRAYS OF MACHINE GUN FIRE, MEN RUNNING AWAY IN FEAR.
CELESTE
Private. Report.
PRIVATE KENNEDY There’s...
CELESTE
What is happening?
PRIVATE KENNEDY
What is that?...
CELESTE
... Private?
OVER THE RADIO WE HEAR SOMETHING APPROACHING PRIVATE KENNEDY.
VERGE
(Over the radio.)
Give me the radio...
CELESTE
Private?
VERGE
Put Deidre on.
CELESTE
... Who is this?
VERGE
Put Deidre on, or I start getting really creative out here.
CELESTE
Who is this?
DEIDRE
Verge, I’m fine. I’m okay.
VERGE
... Are you sure?
DEIDRE
They’re just asking us questions. I’m fine.
VERGE
... Okay.
DEIDRE
Verge, uh... The guards?
VERGE
They’re okay.
DEIDRE
Good.
JUNE
I’m fine too, by the way.
CELESTE
Who is this and what have you done to my men?... Hello?
JUNE
... Okay, I’m going to come out and say it, ladies... that was hot. Right? Who’s with me? I feel like it’s book club night and the first 50 shades book just came out. Anybody?
THE PHONE RINGS AGAIN. CELESTE PICKS UP THE PHONE.
CELESTE
Frank.
FRANK
(On the phone.)
Celeste. Hot water heater. What are we thinking? On? Off? When are you due back in town?
CELESTE
Frank.
FRANK
Hey, also, wanted to let you know I got you some new trash cans.
CELESTE
Frank, how the hell did you get this number?
FRANK
I’m old school, Celeste. I let my fingers do the walking.
CELESTE
We’re doing very sensitive work here, Frank. This isn’t a joke.
FRANK
Celeste, you being in charge of a top secret military base is absolutely a joke. Still working on the punchline, though.
CELESTE
It’s Sergeant Major Joos.
FRANK
There it is.
CELESTE
Do you have any idea how many federal laws you’re breaking right now?
FRANK
I’m breaking some local ones too—breaking and entering for example.
CELESTE
Why the hell are you in my house?
FRANK
Well, you’ve been missing for weeks, Celeste. I wanted make sure you were okay.
CELESTE
I’m fine.
FRANK
Are you sure?
CELESTE
Frank, get out of my house.
FRANK
Here’s what I don’t understand. You live here for years, pretending to be an old kook living up on the mountain. But then, the past few weeks you’ve been gone. Vanished without a trace. What’s up, Celeste?
CELESTE
What part of “very sensitive work” did you not understand?
FRANK
You know what, never mind, I’ll just ask my man here.
ELDIN
(On the phone.)
Military Site 2626, codenamed “Happy Goat Station” was recently put under an Order 33—or “hurry up and wait” order—directing all sites to stock provisions and garrison personnel until further notice.
CELESTE
Who was that?
FRANK
Happy Goat Station? What kind of name is that? What happened to cool names like Ice Station Zebra?
CELESTE
Frank, if you are hacking into our databases-
FRANK
What? What’s going to happen? The military is going to come and sweep us up?
CELESTE
You think they won’t?
FRANK
Celeste, if that place you’ve been hiding yourself truly is a “listening station,” then I imagine you’ve been hearing some pretty strange things lately... Chinese parades? Laser gun shootouts? Oh, my new favorite one is the four story plant eater wandering around, what’s it called?
ELDIN
A Mungo.
FRANK
A Mungo. We’ve got a Mungo now.
JUNE
I can’t believe I missed the Mungo!
FRANK
All of this is happening and not a peep from Uncle Sam. I feel like you guys would’ve shown up already, especially since you’re “listening” right around the corner... What’s going on, Celeste?
CELESTE
... What do you want me to do here, Frank?
FRANK
I want you to load June and Deidre into one of those fun jeeps of yours and meet me in the town square.
CELESTE
I’m under orders here, Frank.
FRANK
When was their last communication from central command?
ELDIN
Their last communication from central command was weeks ago when they received the “hurry up and wait” order. They’ve heard nothing since.
FRANK
That’s odd. Boy, you guys must be going crazy out there... Meet me in the town square in one hour, Celeste. I’m sure we’ve got lots to talk about.
WE MOVE TO THE GLADE OF WISHES. TRINKETT AND DOUG MOVE THROUGH THE GRASS.
DOUG
So, what are you looking for, Trinkett?
TRINKETT
I don’t know. I usually come here when I need to clear my head or shift my perspective somehow... or just make a wish.
DOUG
Really?
TRINKETT
Sure. I know it seems a little childish. But you need to put your intentions out there. You need to speak them out loud, they can’t stay locked up in your head.
DOUG
So you just stand here and wish something?
TRINKETT
Yeah. You want to give it a try?
DOUG
Uh... I don’t know.
TRINKETT
It’s okay... It’s always here if you need it.
DOUG
Okay... so, what was the dream you had?
TRINKETT
Oh. Honestly it was kind of stupid, it wasn’t some sort of vision from the other side or anything, it was just very vivid. Like I was really there.
DOUG
Where were you?
TRINKETT
... I was in my parents camper van. When I was a little kid, I wasn’t in school much. I was home schooled until middle school. My parents were always on the road with the fair and the only thing close to a classroom for me was Sesame Street. They had a tiny portable television and at 8am every morning I would look around for PBS and there it was: School. That was the dream. It was just me watching sesame street. But it was crystal clear. I can still see it in my head. Dreams fade but it’s still with me right now... I don’t know what to make of it.
STEVE POPS UP FROM THE GRASS.
STEVE
What episode was it?
TRINKETT
Shit! Steve!
DOUG
Steve, goddamnit!
STEVE
Hey, y’all.
TRINKETT
What are you doing out here?
STEVE
I’m out here all the time now. I love it out here.
TRINKETT
Do I want to know what you’re doing out here?
STEVE
I’m just hanging out. I found a nice flat rock right here to rest my head on, and I just look up at the sky and think. Sometimes I bring headphones.
TRINKETT
And sometimes you bring something else?
STEVE
Hey, it’s a free country. What are y’all doing?
TRINKETT
I had a weird dream. Doug’s trying to help me out.
STEVE
You had a dream about Sesame Street?
TRINKETT
Well, it wasn’t ABOUT Sesame Street, I was watching Sesame Street in the dream.
STEVE
Right, yeah, which episode?
TRINKETT
Steve there’s like a billion episodes of Sesame Street.
STEVE
What was in it?
TRINKETT
What was in it? Uh. The usual stuff... I think they were in Hawaii?
DOUG
Oh.
STEVE
Ohhhhh. Yeah, the Hawaii episode.
DOUG
That was a good one.
TRINKETT
You remember the episode?
DOUG
Yeah, it was a special episode. They filmed the whole thing in Hawaii.
STEVE
Huge moment for Snuffleupagus lore in that episode.
TRINKETT
Steve. Snuffleupagus lore?
DOUG
No, he’s right.
STEVE
Check it out. Snuffleupagus is lonely on Sesame Street, right? He’s wondering where all the other Snuffleupaguses are... Snuffleupagi? Which is it?
DOUG
Well, if Snuffleupagus is a greek root word then it would be Snuffleupaguses-
TRINKETT
Guys.
STEVE
Whatever. Snuffleupagus is lonely and he hears that there’s more Snuffleupaguses in Hawaii, so he goes to look for them.
DOUG
Right, and he looks and looks the entire episode, but he never finds them.
STEVE
But he doesn’t sweat it too much because, in the end, he’s got his family down on Sesame Street, even though none of them think he exists.
DOUG
Yes, we should remember this is a “pre-reveal” episode, so everyone still thought that Snuffleupagus was Big Bird’s imaginary friend.
STEVE
So there we are, at the end of the episode. Snuffleupagus laments, “Oh well, I guess I’ll never find any more of my people.” He walks away, but the camera stays. In those last moments we focus on the volcanic mountain behind him, and we clearly see the mountain behind him is in the exact form of a giant Snuffleupagus the size of a mountain. Like a sleeping giant... what will happen when he awakens one day?
TRINKETT
... Jesus Christ, Steve.
STEVE
Hey, don’t shoot the messenger, it was your dream.
TRINKETT
Okay... Okay, something sleeping in the mountain... I’m not sure what that’s supposed to mean.
STEVE
Oh shit. You know, Mt. Hood is an active volcano. What if it’s going to blow.
DOUG
It’s a potentially active volcano but it’s been dormant for a few hundred years. Any eruption would be proceeded by years of earthquake swarms and it’s been quiet out there for a long time.
STEVE
I love it when your paranoia’s informative, man.
DOUG
Thank you, Steve... Steve is this the stone you were resting your head on?
STEVE
Yeah, give it try, it’s a nice little spot.
TRINKETT
What is it, Doug?
DOUG
... Has anything ever been built in this glade?
TRINKETT
I don’t think so, why?
DOUG
... This stone is a square.
STEVE
It is?
DOUG
You didn’t notice?
STEVE
No, I just laid my head down.
TRINKETT
That’s weird.
STEVE
You think something’s underneath?
DOUG
It’s probably left over from some construction a long time ago.
TRINKETT
I’ve been here a million times, I can’t believe I’ve never seen that.
STEVE
I’m turning it over.
STEVE TURNS OVER THE STONE.
STEVE (CONT’D)
Aha. We’ve discovered worms.
TRINKETT
There’s writing on the back.
DOUG
There is?
TRINKETT
Yeah, do one of you have a light on your phone?
STEVE
Yeah, hang on.
TRINKETT STARTS TO BRUSH DIRT OFF OF THE STONE.
TRINKETT
It’s carved into the stone.
STEVE
Here you go.
STEVE TURNS HIS PHONE LIGHT ON.
DOUG
... What language is that?
LATER THAT NIGHT IN THE TOWN SQUARE.
FRANK
None of them?
VERGE
None of them.
FRANK
You killed none of the guards?
VERGE
Zero, Frank.
FRANK
...How’d you manage that?
VERGE
I’ve no idea, Frank, you’re all so fragile. Or perhaps I should say, they’re all so fragile.
FRANK
Let’s not start with that.
VERGE
Humans, am I right?
FRANK
That’s enough, thank you.
A CAR PULLS INTO THE TOWN SQUARE.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Okay, here she comes. Make yourself scarce.
VERGE
I’ll be in the Sheep’s Eye.
THE VEHICLE COMES TO A STOP. CELESTE GETS OUT WITH JUNE AND DEIDRE.
DEIDRE
Hi, Frank. Sorry.
JUNE
Sweet freedom.
FRANK
I’ll say this, June. You did take Deidre’s mind off her problems.
JUNE
See there. I’m a solution factory over here.
CELESTE
Frank.
FRANK
Sarge.
CELESTE
Their little visit to the base wasn’t officially logged in my report. They got lucky this time.
FRANK
That’s very neighborly of you.
CELESTE
Well they’re... my neighbors.
FRANK
So, this whole time you’ve been pretending to be the town weirdo and then working at a secret military base?
CELESTE
Frank, everyone who lives in this town is the town weirdo.
JUNE
Hard to argue with.
FRANK
What are you guys even doing there?
CELESTE
That’s classified.
FRANK
Uh huh.
CELESTE
What do you think we’ve been doing, Frank? Look around.
FRANK
You’ve been there for years, Celeste. Way before any of this weird bullshit started going on.
CELESTE
Look, this... this area is of special interest to the united states military. I’m just going to leave it at that.
FRANK
Whatever. Thanks for giving us back Deidre and June.
CELESTE
I kind of had to, Frank. Apparently you’ve employed a hacker and some sort of Ninja.
FRANK
Yeah, about that. There’s been a clown car of nonsense rolling through town constantly, Celeste. Your bosses haven’t said anything to you about it?
CELESTE
... I can’t say.
FRANK
You’re under a “hurry up and wait order,” apparently.
You’re supposed to just sit tight and wait for orders?... How long have you been waiting, Celeste?
CELESTE
We haven’t heard from command in... a while.
FRANK
Think they might be otherwise occupied?
CELESTE
With what?
FRANK
I heard the Chilean military has been seizing observatories. Think it has anything to do with that?
JUNE
Wait, what is this? Frank, how come you haven’t told me about any of this?
FRANK
You were a little too busy getting drunk and jumping over barbed wire fences, June.
JUNE
There was very little barbed wire.
TRINKETT, STEVE, AND DOUG APPROACH.
TRINKETT
What’s going on?
FRANK
Trinkett. Look who we found.
TRINKETT
Celeste?
DOUG
Why is she dressed like that?
TRINKETT
Celeste, where have you been?
STEVE
Is she going to a costume party?
JUNE
Why does Doug have a big rock?
DOUG
Whose Jeep is that?
DEIDRE
Does it have writing on it?
DOUG
Oh, right... can anyone read Chinese?
VERGE
Excuse me. Sounds like everybody’s got a lot of questions. How about somebody open the bar?
LATER THAT NIGHT. ELDIN SCANS THE WRITING ON THE STONE. FRANK AND CELESTE SIT AT THE BAR.
ELDIN
Angle me a little higher please.
DOUG
What is... going on right now?
JUNE
Shh.
ELDIN
It’s ancient Chinese, which makes it a bit tricky because of the flexible word functions. Also, whoever carved the characters into this stone was not exactly a craftsman. Essentially, it is a message from a man named Xu Fu.
STEVE
Who the hell is that?
ELDIN
If it’s the same Xu Fu from historical documents, he was a legendary explorer. His emperor deeply feared death and sent him on a quest to find an elixir of immortality whose ingredients could only be found at the top of a legendary mountain named Penglai. This tablet is a message to his emperor. “I will finally return from the mountain, though I have changed as much as the land around me. The mountain will be found again, the mountain will be lost again. Forever.”
JUNE
... Well, what the fuck is that supposed to mean?
DEIDRE APPROACHES VERGE AT THE BAR.
DEIDRE
Hey.
VERGE
Hey. Sorry if that was a little too much tonight. I got worried.
DEIDRE
No, I felt... I felt a lot better when I heard your voice on the radio...
VERGE
...
DEIDRE
... I want to say something.
VERGE
Okay.
DEIDRE
I called you a liar the other day... And, um... I was sitting there in that room tonight with Celeste and she was just totally lying to us the whole time and... I guess putting her in the same category as you felt a little wrong... you were just trying to stay alive. I want you to know that I understand the position you were in.
VERGE
I still don’t feel right about it.
DEIDRE
... I don’t have a lot of secrets.
VERGE
I know.
DEIDRE
Kind of an open book over here.
VERGE
You are.
DEIDRE
I imagine it must be kind of terrifying to tell someone who you really are.
VERGE
... It really is terrifying, Deidre.
DEIDRE
... I mean, I should’ve known... Look at you. Of course you fell from the sky.
FRANK
I have to say, I’m having a hard time seeing you as a person in charge of other people.
CELESTE
It’s true, Frank. A lot of people depend on my leadership.
FRANK
Okay, I’m sorry, that just sounds surreal.
CELESTE
I didn’t enjoy it, Frank. I didn’t enjoy lying to all of you.
FRANK
Oh, I think you did a little bit.
CELESTE
You know what, Frank? How long did it take you?
FRANK
What?
CELESTE
To realize I was gone. How long did it take you?
FRANK
...
CELESTE
Uh huh.
FRANK
It took a few weeks, okay?
CELESTE
Okay, so maybe enough with the smart remarks.
FRANK
I’m sorry. We’re all sorry. Yes, you were totally lying to us and apparently spying on all of us, but yes, we were not very attentive to the completely fictional version of you that you created to deceive us all.
CELESTE
Jokes on you, buddy. I’m taking that as an apology.
FRANK
So... what now, Celeste? We all know your secret. What are we going to do about it?
CELESTE
Hell, I don’t know. We’ll just have to keep it a secret that you know our secret.
FRANK
We can do that.
CELESTE
Good.
PRIVATE KENNEDY WALKS IN.
PRIVATE KENNEDY Ma’am?
CELESTE
What is it, Private?
PRIVATE KENNEDY
May I speak with you?
CELESTE
Order me another, I’ll be right back.
FRANK
Do you want to take a roadie back for your storm troopers?
CELESTE
I might, Frank. Thanks for thinking of me.
CELESTE STEPS OUTSIDE WITH PRIVATE KENNEDY.
CELESTE (CONT’D) What is it?
PRIVATE KENNEDY
We’ve received orders from Western Command.
CELESTE
Finally. Where are they?
PRIVATE KENNEDY
I have them on the secure tablet here.
CELESTE
Good.
PRIVATE KENNEDY HANDS HER A TABLET. SHE OPENS IT AND READS.
CELESTE (CONT’D)
... What the fuck?
PRIVATE KENNEDY Ma’am?
CELESTE
... It’s been a strange night, Private, but I’m afraid it’s going to get even stranger.
PRIVATE KENNEDY
What do you mean, ma’am?
CELESTE
Go back to base and tell everyone there’ll be a debrief in one hour.
PRIVATE KENNEDY
You’re not coming?
CELESTE
I’ll be along soon. I need to do something.
PRIVATE KENNEDY What?
CELESTE
Follow my instincts.
CELESTE WALKS BACK INSIDE THE BAR.
FRANK
Sarge. What’s the news? Planning a big Christmas party?
CELESTE
Tell me something, Frank.
FRANK
What’s that?
CELESTE
Do the words “Wayfaring Stranger” mean anything to you?
THE END.