Part 7: Double Deidre
MORNING. WE HEAR THE SOUND OF NAILS BEING HAMMERED INTO WOOD. VERGE APPROACHES. THE HAMMERING STOPS.
FRANK
How’re you feeling?
VERGE
I’m feeling alright.
FRANK
Good.
FRANK GOES BACK TO HAMMERING.
VERGE
How are you feeling?
FRANK
Well, I’ve got a truck full of scrap wood and I’m boarding up Deidre’s windows, how do you think I’m feeling?
VERGE
... Can I help?
FRANK
Do you know how to board up a window?
VERGE
No.
FRANK
No, you don’t. Apparently, hidden somewhere in all these trees is a space ship, that you can fly to a distant planet but you don’t know how to board up a window. Ironies abound.
VERGE
I’m sorry, Frank.
FRANK
Apologies aren’t subject to the transitive property, Verge. Apologizing to me doesn’t mean you’ve apologized to the person you need to apologize to.
VERGE
I don’t think she wants to talk to me.
FRANK
That actually doesn’t matter when you need to apologize to someone.
VERGE
I don’t mean she’s mad at me, I mean she’s scared of me.
FRANK
That actually doesn’t matter either.
VERGE
I don’t think your folksy Earthling wisdom applies to this situation, Frank.
FRANK
Yes it does, Verge. Do you know why? Because it’s my fucking town. We didn’t start playing by your rules when you got here, you play by ours.
VERGE
I came to tell you that I’m leaving. I came to tell you that I’m sorry and I’m leaving. You won’t have to worry about your town or your rules anymore because I won’t be here. Alright? One less thing you have to worry about.
FRANK
No, you’re not leaving.
VERGE
Yes I am.
FRANK
You’re not.
VERGE
I’m trying to make this easy, Frank.
FRANK
Easy? Easy. There was a fucking laser gun shootout and you and Deidre were almost killed, you’re trying to make it easy?
VERGE
You know what I mean.
FRANK
Well here’s what I mean: If you decide to fuck off now and head for Tatooine or whatever, what was your last known position?
VERGE
...
FRANK
It was right here, Verge. And that means that more of your space friends are going to show up here looking for you and that’s going to be a problem for us. This means that you are going to have to stick around and deal with this problem yourself. That’s what a good person would do.
VERGE
I haven’t exactly been truthful since I’ve been here, but at no point did I try and convince you that I was a good person.
FRANK
Well then I guess you can do whatever the fuck you want then, can’t you?
VERGE
I’ve never been able to do what I want.
FRANK
And that grants you nothing, Verge. Your life being rough does not entitle you to make it rough for others. It grants you nothing... I’m telling you what a good person would do. The rest is up to you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to finish boarding up these windows so that Deidre can actually live in her home.
FRANK GOES BACK TO HAMMERING. VERGE WALKS AWAY. WE MOVE TO THE SHEEP’S EYE.
EDGY STEVE
So, how long are you going to be doing this for?
JUNE
Do you have a problem with my bartending, Steve?
EDGY STEVE
No, I was just wondering.
JUNE
You have a problem with my bartending.
EDGY STEVE
No, I-
JUNE
After all I’ve done for you, you’re going to criticize my bartending, you ungrateful little twerp.
EDGY STEVE
I’m saying, I think you’re good at it.
JUNE
Oh yeah?
EDGY STEVE
Yeah, you’ve got a real knack for it.
JUNE
I do?
EDGY STEVE Yeah.
JUNE
I’m making the drinks too strong, is what this is telling me.
EDGY STEVE
I think they’re just perfect.
JUNE
Speaking of which, what are you doing day drinking? We need everybody bringing their A game right now and you’re over there on your second Tequila Sunrise.
EDGY STEVE
June, everybody in town is day drinking these days. And by the way, I asked for a Tequila Sunrise and you brought me a Bay Breeze.
JUNE
I’m not taking notes at this time.
DOUG CARRIES A KEG OF BEER BEHIND THE BAR.
FLAT DOUG
Okay, I’ve got a keg of Full Sail here.
JUNE
Thank you, Doug. Look at Doug helping.
EDGY STEVE
I’m helping, I’m contributing to the local economy.
JUNE
You just asked me if you could pay for your drinks with Dogecoin.
EDGY STEVE
It’s a valid currency.
JUNE
It is neither valid nor currency.
FLAT DOUG
Hey, guys... Has anyone seen Celeste recently?
JUNE
... Celeste.
EDGY STEVE
Celeste.
JUNE
... Shit.
EDGY STEVE
No.
FLAT DOUG
She hasn’t been to the store in a while.
JUNE
Great... That’s just fucking great.
DEIDRE ENTERS.
DEIDRE
Hey, June. I’m here. Sorry, I can’t seem to get used to sleeping somewhere else, I really appreciate you doing this for me. Can you do me a favor though? I need to go to the hardware store. Frank made me a list of things I need to order so he can fix everything—I need to just run across the street and give them this list. Oh, also, can you please help me find a way to pay Frank for everything he’s doing? I’m going to offer to pay him and I’m sure he’s going to say “Don’t worry about it.” And then I will proceed to feel guilty for the rest of my life... Goddamn, that house was built in 1923 it just breaks my heart... Why is everyone looking at me?
JUNE
Deidre...
EDGY STEVE
You just did this.
DEIDRE
... What?
JUNE
You just...
FLAT DOUG
You were in here five minutes ago and you just said the exact same thing.
DEIDRE
Okay, y’all I know I’m usually going nine different ways but I think I’d remember if I’d already come in here this morning.
FLAT DOUG
Jesus Christ, are we all high again?
JUNE
I don’t feel high.
EDGY STEVE
I do, but I mean... I am.
FLAT DOUG
Can déjà vu happen as a group?
EDGY STEVE
I thought déjà vu was just the feeling that something happened again.
JUNE
Yeah, I mean we were all right here when Deidre walked in, you said everything exactly the same way you said it just now.
DEIDRE
Did... did I forget everything I just did?
EDGY STEVE
Happens to me all the time.
JUNE
Not comforting.
FLAT DOUG
Deidre, maybe try and retrace your steps.
JUNE
She’s not trying to find her keys, Doug.
THE PHONE RINGS BEHIND THE BAR.
DEIDRE
What the fuck?
JUNE
Hang on.
JUNE PICKS UP THE PHONE.
JUNE (CONT’D)
Sheep’s Eye?... Oh... hey... Deidre... You... You need a few more minutes?... Sure no problem... I’ll... I’ll see you when I see you... bye-bye...
JUNE HANGS UP THE PHONE.
JUNE (CONT’D) ...
DEIDRE
...
FLAT DOUG ...
JUNE
Everyone remain calm.
EDGY STEVE
Doppelgänger.
JUNE
Steve.
EDGY STEVE
Doppelgänger!
JUNE
Steve!
EDGY STEVE
I had a very superstitious german grandmother. Her number one fear: the doppelgänger.
DEIDRE
What is it?
EDGY STEVE
It’s your spirit double. It’s a harbinger of doom and destruction!
JUNE
Oh God.
DEIDRE
Oh God!
FLAT DOUG
Stop... Everybody stop for a minute... Steve I know everything is crazy right now, but I feel comfortable ruling out German mysticism.
EDGY STEVE
To your folly!
JUNE
Steve, I am going to throw a glass at you so hard.
FLAT DOUG
Let’s just slow down and talk about what we know for sure.
JUNE
Okay. Okay, good. Doug coming in as the rare voice of reason. Let’s hear it, Doug.
FLAT DOUG
What do we know for sure? We know that Deidre is standing right here with us. We also know that Deidre just called June on the phone. But that’s all we know. June. What did Deidre say?
JUNE
... Which one?
FLAT DOUG
The one on the phone.
JUNE
She said that they had to make a few calls at the hardware store to make sure she could get all the things she needed. That she was going to need a few minutes.
FLAT DOUG
Okay. And then?
JUNE
And then she’d be back.
EDGY STEVE
She’d be back—she can’t come back—what if something bad happens when she meets her doppelgänger?
JUNE
Steve if you say doppelgänger one more time-
FLAT DOUG
Okay, wait... We need to get eyes on her.
JUNE
She was just in here.
FLAT DOUG
What if it was, I don’t know, some kind of time thing. We need to absolutely confirm that there’s a Deidre in here and a Deidre across the street.
EDGY STEVE
I’m not doing that.
FLAT DOUG
I’ll... I’ll do it.
JUNE
Doug, are you sure?
FLAT DOUG
I’m sure. I’m sure, I’ll head over there and act casual.
JUNE
You. Doug. Are going to act casual?
FLAT DOUG
Sure... Sure I am.
JUNE
Fuck it. Okay. Don’t get cloned, Doug.
FLAT DOUG
Okay.
DOUG WALKS OUTSIDE AND STARTS WALKING ACROSS THE STREET.
FLAT DOUG (CONT’D)
You’re fine... You’re fine... You’re fine... You’re fine.
DOUG WALKS INTO THE HARDWARE STORE.
FLAT DOUG (CONT’D)
... Oh my God...
2ND DEIDRE
Hey, Doug.
FLAT DOUG
Hello Deidre... What are you doing here?
2ND DEIDRE
Oh, Frank gave me a list of things I need to rehab my house.
FLAT DOUG
I see... And how long have you been here?
2ND DEIDRE
Um, about ten minutes, I guess. That house is so old I have to make sure I get wood that matches. I don’t actually think it’s a big deal but Frank says it’ll start to look weird over time if I don’t use the right wood.
FLAT DOUG
Yes, we don’t want things to look weird.
2ND DEIDRE
I guess.
FLAT DOUG
Okay... it was very enjoyable to see you, Deidre. Goodbye.
2ND DEIDRE
Bye, Doug.
DOUG RUSHES OUT OF THE HARDWARE STORE.
FLAT DOUG
... That was terrifying.
FRANK OPENS THE FRONT DOOR TO DEIDRE’S HOUSE. IT’S A DISASTER.
FRANK
Jesus Christ.
HE WALKS IN FURTHER.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Okay let’s be real, Frank, would you rather be fixing this house than dealing with whatever freak show you’re sure is happening in town today?... The answer comes back yes... Hey, day off. When was the last time you had one of those?
FRANK ACCIDENTALLY KICKS A BOTTLE OF LIQUOR ON THE FLOOR.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Oh... Hello there, Elijah Craig 18 year old. What are you doing down there?
FRANK PICKS UP THE BOTTLE.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Hmm. Is drinking while fixing a house advised? No, it is not. Perhaps I should ask the foreman? Oh, that’s me, well...
FRANK POURS BOURBON INTO A GLASS. FRANK’S PHONE RINGS. FRANK PUTS IT ON SPEAKER AND MAKES HIS WAY OUT TO THE PORCH.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Hello.
JUNE
(On the phone.)
We’ve got a problem.
FRANK
No shit.
JUNE
There are two Deidre’s in town.
FRANK
What does that mean?
JUNE
Like, literally two Deidres. One’s at the hardware store and the other is standing right here.
FRANK
Hm... Well it sounds like Deidre’s going to get a lot done today.
JUNE
Frank.
FRANK
What?
JUNE
Today’s weird thing has arrived, you wanna clock in?
FRANK
I think you’ve got this one, June.
JUNE
Oh I do, do I?
FRANK
Yeah.
JUNE
Frank it’s just me, Steve, Doug, and Deidre number one over here.
FRANK
Sounds like you’ve assembled a crack team.
JUNE
What the hell is wrong with you? Are there two Franks now?
FRANK
I sure hope so because I could use a hand over here.
JUNE
So you’re just going to abandon me?
FRANK
June. Today I have to figure out how to get alien blood out of oak flooring. You want to switch places?
JUNE
... Okay, I guess I’m stuck here then.
FRANK
Best of luck!
DOUG WALKS INTO THE SHEEP’S EYE.
FLAT DOUG ...
DEIDRE
... Well?
FLAT DOUG
Confirmed.
DEIDRE
Oh my god.
EDGY STEVE
I’m not going to say what’s on my mind right now but it begins with a doppel and ends with a gänger.
JUNE THROWS A GLASS AT HIM.
EDGY STEVE (CONT’D)
I didn’t say it!
JUNE
We need better ideas, Steve!
EDGY STEVE
Is it an android?
FLAT DOUG
Definitely not an android.
EDGY STEVE
Oh shit... Body snatchers.
JUNE
For fuck’s sake, Steve.
EDGY STEVE
Deidre. Have you had anything strange happen lately? Lost time? Have you had anything happen that you might consider a close encounter with an alien race?
DEIDRE
... Say that again.
EDGY STEVE
Aliens can sample your DNA. They can walk among us and we’d never know it.
DEIDRE
... My DNA?
JUNE
Hey Deidre, let’s go to the bathroom like girls do. You know that thing where girls go to the bathroom together?
DEIDRE AND JUNE WALK TOWARDS THE BATHROOM. DEIDRE IS BREATHING HEAVILY.
DEIDRE
Oh god... oh god.
JUNE
Keep it together.
THEY WALK INSIDE THE BATHROOM AND SHUT THE DOOR.
DEIDRE
Oh God! Oh god, oh god.
JUNE
Breathe, we’re breathing.
DEIDRE
June I’ve had a close encounter with an alien.
JUNE
That’s not breathing. That doesn’t sound like breathing.
DEIDRE
It was a reeeeeeal close encounter, June.
JUNE
How about a happy place, let’s find a happy place.
DEIDRE
Have I... has my body been snatched, have I been replaced? What is happening?
JUNE
I’m sure that’s not it.
DEIDRE
Is that a thing that happens?
JUNE
Only in the movies.
DEIDRE
Everything that’s happening in town are things that only happen in movies, June.
JUNE
Deidre, c’mon, that’s not true. Giant exploding dogs?
DEIDRE
Ghostbusters.
JUNE
Time traveling cowboys?
DEIDRE
Back to the Future Part III.
JUNE
Aliens attacking a small town?
DEIDRE
Aliens are always attacking a small town in the movies.
JUNE
... Okay, first of all, excellent movie knowledge.
DEIDRE
June.
JUNE
Hey. Considering how things are going in town these days, this could be anything.
DEIDRE
I have to see.
JUNE
No.
DEIDRE
I have to see, June. I’m walking around in town right now but I’m also right here.
JUNE
I strongly urge you to not do that.
DEIDRE
I had a really terrifying experience the other night, June!
JUNE
I know!
DEIDRE
When is this town going to give me a break?
JUNE
Not today. But really, I’m sure any time now.
DEIDRE
... What do I do? Just wait here? What happens when I come back from the hardware store and I meet myself?
JUNE
Okay. Let’s get a plan together. Okay? Plans are good, right?
DEIDRE
... Plans are good.
JUNE
Let’s eliminate some possibilities. I’m going to go talk to Verge.
DEIDRE
Don’t do that.
JUNE
It’ll be fine. I’ll head over to the Horizon and we’ll have a nice casual chat. “Hey Verge, how are you feeling, how are your laser gun injuries, also do you happen to clone people after you bang them?” Super-casual.
DEIDRE
... It really was a nice night.
JUNE
Oh, sweetie, I know... If it’s any condolence I really admire you.
DEIDRE
Why in the world would you do that?
JUNE
Deidre, c’mon. You’re the girl in the small town that the wandering alien falls for. That’s classic shit. Starman, Man Who Fell to Earth, Earth Girls are Easy, sorry about that last one.
DEIDRE
... And what happens at the end of all those movies?
JUNE
... The alien usually goes back to space.
DEIDRE
... Yeah.
JUNE
Okay, c’mon, scared Deidre is better than depressed Deidre. I’m going to go talk to Verge and you are staying here and you are NOT going to talk to the weird version of yourself that’s out there, okay?
DEIDRE
Okay.
JUNE
Scared Deidre. Not Depressed Deidre.
DEIDRE
Scared Deidre.
JUNE
You’re terrified.
DEIDRE
I’m terrified.
JUNE
Okay, here I go.
THEY EXIT THE BATHROOM.
JUNE (CONT’D)
Okay dummies. You’re job is to stay here with Deidre and make sure that the two Deidre’s do not meet
FLAT DOUG
What do we do if she comes in here?
JUNE
I don’t know, hide her somewhere?
EDGY STEVE
What if we get them mixed up, how will we tell them apart?
JUNE
Jesus.
JUNE TAKES A SHARPIE OUT OF A CUP ON THE BAR.
JUNE (CONT’D)
Give me your hand... I have just sharpied a big black X on the real Deidre’s hand. Okay? Don’t fuck this up, you two.
WE MOVE BACK TO DEIDRE’S HOUSE. FRANK SITS ON THE PORCH, SCROLLING ON HIS PHONE.
FRANK
In The Big Rock Candy Mountains, You never change your socks, And the little streams of alcohol, Come a-trickling down the rocks.
God, Damian Lillard, why?
WE HEAR TRINKETT’S BICYCLE.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Ah, the high priestess has arrived.
TRINKETT
Hey.
FRANK
Hello.
TRINKETT
I saw your truck, thought I’d say hi.
FRANK
I’m engaging in my favorite pass time, drinking bourbon and complaining about the Trailblazers.
TRINKETT
Frank?
FRANK
Yeah?
TRINKETT
What happened to Deidre’s house?
FRANK
... Where’ve you been the past few days?
TRINKETT
Foraging.
FRANK
Ah. What’d you get?
TRINKETT
Dandelion greens, hazelnuts, and thimbleberries.
FRANK
Seriously, what is your life?
TRINKETT
Frank.
FRANK
It got real fucked up, Trinkett.
TRINKETT
I can see.
FRANK
I have to say, they don’t make them like this anymore. Bones are still good. I’ll have her ship shape in a few days.
TRINKETT
Frank!
FRANK
Trinkett. Are you ready to come inside?
TRINKETT
Inside the house?
FRANK
No, I mean... you know how sometimes you wish you hadn’t asked something? It’s like that. Are you ready to come inside?
TRINKETT
... Sure.
FRANK
Well then. Go inside and get yourself a glass.
WE HEAR KNOCKING ON VERGE’S DOOR. THE DOOR OPENS.
VERGE
June.
JUNE
Hi. Did you clone Deidre?
VERGE
... What?
JUNE
Did you make a clone of Deidre?
VERGE
What are you talking about?
JUNE
There are two Deidres in town. There’s a Deidre at the Sheep’s Eye and a Deidre at the hardware store. Done any cloning lately?
VERGE
I can’t clone people.
JUNE
Are you sure?
VERGE
Well, let me really think about it.
JUNE
Why are there two Deidres in town?
VERGE
I don’t know.
JUNE
Where’s Mr. Smartypants? Eldin!
ELDIN
Please, Mr. Smartypants was my father.
JUNE
Eldin how could there be two Deidres in town? Has she been cloned?
ELDIN
Unlikely.
JUNE
How unlikely?
ELDIN
Cloning is possible. Your planet has even done it. The men that attacked her house were clones.
JUNE
Oh fuck, really?
ELDIN
Yes, but cloning is not an overnight process. For Deidre to be sampled and cloned would take several Earth months at least just to get an embryo.
JUNE
Well, then what’s the deal, Eldin?
ELDIN
Tell me exactly what happened.
JUNE
I was bartending at the Sheep’s Eye, Deidre walked in and said she needed a few more minutes before she started and listed off all the things she has to do today. Then, a few minutes later, she came in again and said the exact same thing. Now there’s two of them.
ELDIN
It sounds like you have a temporal anomaly on your hands.
JUNE
Well, how did that happen?
ELDIN
It’s extremely rare, but it’s possible. Imagine the universe is encased in a giant cube of Jello. If you press on any side of the Jello cube the fabric of time within the cube can bend and loop and cross over. Events may repeat themselves, elongate, or skip forward. It happens.
JUNE
What are we supposed to do about it?
ELDIN
There’s nothing to be done. These things usually work themselves out.
JUNE
Oh. So we just sit here?
ELDIN
It is important to stay away from the anomaly.
JUNE
Why?
ELDIN
The more you interact with an anomaly, the more the chance of it solidifying and becoming a permanent fixture.
JUNE
Okay, I only talked to her the one time.
ELDIN
June. You don’t know which one of them is the anomaly. Did you stay away from both of them?
JUNE
Well, shit.
ELDIN
Uh huh. Where are the Deidres now?
JUNE
One’s at the Sheep’s Eye and one’s at the hardware store.
ELDIN
Well, it’s early yet, but I’d say we’re well on our way to there being two permanent Deidres in town.
JUNE
That sounds bad.
ELDIN
I’m sure everyone would get used to it eventually.
JUNE
Yeah, I don’t think so, Eldin. What else have you got for me?
ELDIN
Well, it’s theoretical but you could try merging them.
JUNE
How?
ELDIN
Get them in the same room and hope for the best.
JUNE
That sounds really ill-advised, Eldin.
ELDIN
I have access to the knowledge of three galaxies, June. What do you have, other than your encyclopedic knowledge of Farscape?
JUNE
Okay, you don’t have to be a dick about it.
ELDIN
If you can get them in the same room and have them focused on the same thing, get them of the same mind, get their thoughts and intentions aligned, you may be able to merge the anomaly with the original without having to sacrifice either.
JUNE
Okay. I love Deidre, I really do... Focused, though?
VERGE
Oh, for fuck’s sake... I have an idea.
WE MOVE BACK TO THE HARDWARE STORE. DOUG AND STEVE ARE ON A MISSION.
FLAT DOUG
Hello Deidre.
EDGY STEVE
Hello Deidre.
2ND DEIDRE
Hey guys. What’s going on?
EDGY STEVE
How are you doing today?
2ND DEIDRE
... Fine.
EDGY STEVE
Deidre, I’m afraid we need you to come with us.
2ND DEIDRE
What’s going on?
FLAT DOUG
We need you back at the Sheep’s Eye.
2ND DEIDRE
Guys, I know. There’s a bunch of stuff I need to do right now, though. It’s kind of an emergency.
EDGY STEVE
This is kind of an emergency too, Deidre.
2ND DEIDRE
What do you mean? What’s wrong?
FLAT DOUG
There’s a problem back at the bar.
2ND DEIDRE
Oh God. What now?
FLAT DOUG
There’s a...
EDGY STEVE
Raccoon. There’s a raccoon inside.
2ND DEIDRE
Fuck, really? How the fuck did a raccoon get in there?
FLAT DOUG
We don’t know.
EDGY STEVE
We think it’s rabid.
2ND DEIDRE What?
FLAT DOUG
What—Yes, it attacked June.
2ND DEIDRE
It attacked her? Is she okay?
FLAT DOUG
I mean, who knows?
EDGY STEVE
It’s a rabid raccoon, Deidre.
FLAT DOUG
So you’ve got to come with us.
2ND DEIDRE
What am I supposed to do about it? We have to do what we always do. Remember when Su Watts had that aggressive Pine Martin in her pantry? We’ve got to call animal control. Wait, I have their number still...
FLAT DOUG
Uh...
EDGY STEVE
Actually I think we should go in there and deal with it.
2ND DEIDRE
Steve, none of us should be dealing with a rabid animal, we need to call. Just hang on a second.
FLAT DOUG
But uh...
EDGY STEVE
Uh... Fuck it! Grab her!
FLAT DOUG
Oh God.
THEY GRAB DEIDRE AND ARE PRACTICALLY CARRYING HER OUT OF THE HARDWARE STORE.
2ND DEIDRE
Guys whoa! What are you doing?1
FLAT DOUG
We’re sorry, Deidre, this is for your own good!
EDGY STEVE
It’ll all make sense, we promise!
2ND DEIDRE
Let go of me!
FLAT DOUG
We need to get you inside the Sheep’s Eye!
2ND DEIDRE
I’m not going in there, there’s a rabid animal in there!
EDGY STEVE
It’s not a rabid animal!
2ND DEIDRE
What is it?
JUNE
Hey, Deidre, how are you?
2ND DEIDRE
June, will you tell them to let go of me?
JUNE
Guys, what the fuck?
FLAT DOUG
Sorry.
EDGY STEVE
We told her it was a rabid raccoon, it didn’t go well.
JUNE
Jesus Christ, get her in there.
THEY DRAG HER TOWARD THE FRONT DOOR.
2ND DEIDRE June!
JUNE
Deidre, I love you so much and it’s all going to make sense in a second here.
2ND DEIDRE
Why is everyone acting crazy?!
JUNE
Crazy like a fox though!
THEY OPEN THE DOOR, SHOVE HER IN AND HOLD THE DOOR SHUT. AFTER A MOMENT...
2ND DEIDRE
(Inside the Sheep’s Eye.)
What the fuck!!
JUNE
What do we think? Ten minutes? Five?
2ND DEIDRE
(Inside the Sheep’s Eye.)
What is happening?
JUNE
Let’s say ten.
BACK AT DEIDRE’S HOUSE.
FRANK
Can I refill your drink?
TRINKETT
I... How...
FRANK STARTS LAUGHING.
TRINKETT (CONT’D)
Why are you laughing?
FRANK
Because it’s funny.
TRINKETT
It’s not funny.
FRANK
Sure it is.
TRINKETT
... Aliens.
FRANK
Yup.
TRINKETT
I...
FRANK
Going to assume that’s a yes on the refill.
FRANK POURS MORE WHISKEY IN HER GLASS.
TRINKETT
They... look human.
FRANK
Yes. You know, they wear some sort of thing that disguises them.
TRINKETT
Fuck off.
FRANK
I’m serious.
TRINKETT
You’re making this up, this is you making fun of me.
FRANK
Trinkett, you were standing there in Cameron’s house and they pulled out a laser gun to clear the mushrooms, that didn’t tip you?
TRINKETT
I don’t know, I don’t keep up on technology.
FRANK
Oh okay, so you thought ray guns were now available in stores?
TRINKETT
Frank.
FRANK
Trinkett, I don’t know what to tell you. Alien with a laser gun. Here we are.
TRINKETT
... So... What...
FRANK
... It’s okay, you can ask.
TRINKETT
What do they really look like?
FRANK
Honestly not that much different from what you see.
TRINKETT
Okay.
FRANK
Plus two more arms.
TRINKETT
Arms?
FRANK
Yeah.
TRINKETT
They have four arms?
FRANK
Quatro.
TRINKETT
You’ve seen them?
FRANK
Oh yes. At first it was very disturbing but then I thought about all the times I had to carry three coffees instead of two and then I was just jealous.
TRINKETT
... What the fuck, Frank.
FRANK
I think it’s important that we’ve reached this stage.
TRINKETT
What stage?
FRANK
The throwing up your hands stage.
TRINKETT
I’m not at that stage yet.
FRANK
In a very short period of time I’ve gone from “A Time-Traveling Cowboy?! What the fuck?!” To “Late night showdown with alien invaders? Whatever.” It’s nice over on my side, you should join me.
TRINKETT
It fucks with my belief system, Frank. You don’t have a belief system to fuck with.
FRANK
Trinkett come on. Did you expect two druids three thousand years ago to be like, “But guys, what about aliens?”
TRINKETT
I don’t know.
FRANK
People believe things. And that’s not bad sometimes, I mean sometimes it’s really fucking terrible, but we strap on these belief systems that are all based on the shit we know now. What about all the shit we don’t know?
TRINKETT
Don’t use this as an excuse to make fun of the witch, please.
FRANK
I’m not. Look, Trinkett I don’t have any problem with the things you believe.
TRINKETT
Yes you do.
FRANK
The smudge sticks and the magic rocks and the flowing garments, yes. They all look a little goofy to me, but the only problem I ever had with you and your whole thing was that... I think I have a problem with anyone who says with authority “I know this for sure.”... I guess I have a problem with that amount of confidence. Where’s the church of “Who Knows?” Where’s the temple of the Shrug Emoji?
TRINKETT
Frank, that’s bullshit.
FRANK
No it’s not.
TRINKETT
Frank, I get up in the morning and I feel things. There’s a certainty to those feelings that I can only call belief. And my journey through life isn’t about trying to figure out what to believe, it’s about taking in the world that’s presented to me and finding a way to fit all that into these feelings of certainty.
FRANK
I’ve felt a lot of things in my life and they’ve turned out to be bullshit.
TRINKETT
Frank, you and I both know that there’s no way I’m going to make you understand this.
FRANK
Probably true.
TRINKETT
I feel it. In my bones. As certain as I feel the ground. But the important step is: does this certainty hurt me? Does it hurt someone else? That’s when I know I’m onto something. My belief isn’t shaken by all these things that are happening in town. It’s a struggle to understand what they all mean, sure. But they do mean something... to me at least. But still... fucking aliens?
FRANK
Good luck with that one.
FRANK GETS A TEXT MESSAGE.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Hang on... Text from June: “I figured out a plan for the two Deidres, not that you care because you’ve decided to be a little asshole today.” See the thanks I get?
TRINKETT
Two Deidres?
FRANK
Oh. Right. Quick update...
WE MOVE BACK TO THE SHEEP’S EYE.
JUNE
Okay, I haven’t heard anything for a couple of minutes, I think it’s time.
EDGY STEVE
I don’t understand how this is supposed to work.
JUNE
Don’t worry about it, Steve, your work here is done. Skinny Jeans, you’re up.
VERGE
Whose Idea was this?
JUNE
Yours.
VERGE
Right.
VERGE WALKS INTO THE SHEEP’S EYE.
DEIDRE
What the fuck?
2ND DEIDRE June!
JUNE
(From outside.)
Just go with it.
VERGE
Hello ladies...
DEIDRE
... What are you doing here?
VERGE
I’m... I’m here to apologize.
2ND DEIDRE
I don’t think that’s the most important thing right now.
VERGE
I know it doesn’t seem that way, but June’s not letting the two of you out of here until this problem is solved so I’m afraid you have to hear this wether you like it or not.
2ND DEIDRE
I’m going out the back door.
DEIDRE
They blocked the back door too.
2ND DEIDRE
What the fuck?
VERGE
I’d just give into it if I were you.
DEIDRE
I don’t feel great about you being here, Verge.
VERGE
I know. Eldin?
ELDIN
Greeting, Deidres. You are currently the victims of a fairly nasty temporal anomaly. From what I can gather time looped back on itself when Deidre entered the bar for the first time this morning and when the second Deidre interacted with the people in the Sheep’s Eye there was a deviation and now we have two Deidres.
DEIDRE
I’m... not the real Deidre.
ELDIN
Let me be clear. You both are.
2ND DEIDRE
How is that possible?
ELDIN
Would we like a lecture on relativistic verses quantum mechanics or do we want to just take my word for it on this one?
DEIDRE
How do we stop it?
ELDIN
It may seem a bit odd but... Verge is going to say a few things.
2ND DEIDRE
What does that have to do with-
VERGE
I’m sorry... Obviously I didn’t know that was going to happen the other night but considering the list of people who would like to see me dead, I should’ve taken better care with who I spend my time with... I... I couldn’t get you out of my head and it sort of took over... I convinced myself that I was in the clear. That things were different...
I convinced myself that I was one of you. Just a happy person on a planet somewhere.
DEIDRE
... Verge, I’m terrified of you.
2ND DEIDRE
I was hiding under the bed like you told me to... I heard everything, I heard the person that you became when they showed up.
DEIDRE
You’re a dangerous person.
2ND DEIDRE
That scares me.
DEIDRE
I’m scared to be in this room with you right now.
2ND DEIDRE
Can you understand that?
VERGE
Yes... I apologize for everything that happened but I’m sorry, I can’t apologize for that person you saw. That’s the person I’ve had to be... I was this kid in a refugee camp once. That’s all I used to be. Over the years, it’s like I put this whole other person on, bit by bit, like pieces of armor. I think it’s what anyone would’ve done.
DEIDRE
Verge, there’s this part of me that wants to hear this, and wants to understand what happened.
2ND DEIDRE
And there’s this other part of me that’s scared to hear more. I don’t want to hear things that will make me even more afraid of you.
VERGE
I know. It’s not time for me to tell you my life story.
DEIDRE
I appreciate your apology, Verge, but...
2ND DEIDRE
It was a lie.
DEIDRE
In my bedroom.
2ND DEIDRE
I can’t have that.
VERGE
I know... Look... you won’t have to worry about it for long. Frank thinks I should stay for some reason but I’m not staying. I’ll be far away soon, I just need a few more days to plan and then I can get out of here-
2ND DEIDRE
No.
DEIDRE
No, that’s not what I want.
VERGE
I think it’s the best thing for everybody.
2ND DEIDRE
Verge, no. I...
DEIDRE
I have nine thousand feelings about this whole situation.
2ND DEIDRE
But I don’t like the idea of you out there all by yourself, that doesn’t feel right to me.
DEIDRE
That scares me even more.
2ND DEIDRE
And what kind of person am I if I put you in danger just because you scare me?
ELDIN
(To Verge.)
This is good they’re finishing each others sentences.
DEIDRE
You’re right that it was wrong of you to put me in danger-
2ND DEIDRE
-is it right for me, then, to put you in danger?
DEIDRE
Because you would be in more danger, right?
2ND DEIDRE
If you left?
DEIDRE
I don’t want that.
2ND DEIDRE
Eldin, June was telling me that it’s actually hard to get to Earth?
ELDIN
It’s a controlled zone. There’s a process to go through, a bit like one of your national preserves.
DEIDRE
Okay, well that sounds safer to me than...
2ND DEIDRE
Whatever’s out there.
DEIDRE
... I can see that little kid you were talking about. I see them in you, I have the whole time. I think that’s what I... you were in my head too... you are... but there’s a lot more that comes with that now and I don’t know how to feel about all of it... I’m scared of you but I don’t think you’re a monster... you’re a person... despite all that, what I need from you right now is for you to be safe.
VERGE
Okay.
ELDIN
Deidre. Look around.
DEIDRE
Oh my God, it’s just me. Fuck oh my god thank god jesus christ it’s just me oh fuck I have to lay down.
DEIDRE LAYS DOWN ON THE FLOOR.
DEIDRE (CONT’D)
That was terrible!
THE DOOR TO THE SHEEP’S EYE BURSTS OPEN AND TRINKETT BARGES IN.
TRINKETT
Deidre! Deidre, it’s not that you’re angry, it’s that you’re scared for Verge, you’re scared that they’re in danger and that’s conflicting with your feeling of fear for yourself and you don’t know how to reconcile those things, so your soul has split in two and we need to bring those halves back together!
VERGE
Um... we’re way ahead of you there, Sabrina.
TRINKETT LOOKS AROUND.
TRINKETT
Oh... well shit, okay. Good job!
EVERYBODY ELSE WALKS IN.
JUNE
You two were supposed to keep people out of here.
EDGY STEVE
I couldn’t stop her.
FLAT DOUG
She has surprising upper body strength.
JUNE
Whatever.
FRANK
Deidre, I only count one of you.
DEIDRE
Yeah, that was a weird one.
FLAT DOUG
Sorry we had to kidnap you Deidre.
DEIDRE
That’s okay.
EDGY STEVE
Speaking of, we don’t think this is contagious, right?
FLAT DOUG
Oh God.
FRANK
(To Verge.)
So?
VERGE
It’s your town. You want me to stay, I’ll stay.
FRANK
Good. I’ll see you at 7 AM tomorrow.
VERGE
Why?
FRANK
I’m going to show you how to hang drywall, we’ve got a lot of work to do over there and I could really use an... extra hand or two.
VERGE
Oh, I’m going to have to endure all sorts of jokes like that, aren’t I?
FRANK
We’ve only just begun. Full Sail Amber please, barkeep.
VERGE
Right away, sir.
JUNE
I would like to propose a toast, Frank did absolutely nothing today and is feeling inappropriately fine about that. Fuck you, Frank.
FRANK
Cheers.
LATER. NIGHTFALL AT THE HORIZON MOTEL. VERGE EMERGES TO SMOKE AND DEIDRE STANDS IN THE PARKING LOT.
VERGE
Hey.
DEIDRE
... Hey.
VERGE
... How long have you been standing there?
DEIDRE
... I don’t know...
VERGE
What’s up?
DEIDRE
... I spent a lot of time looking at myself today.
VERGE
You did.
DEIDRE
... I didn’t like it.
VERGE
... I did.
DEIDRE
...
VERGE
... Do you want to come inside and talk about it?
DEIDRE
No.
VERGE
Okay...
DEIDRE
... Can I stand here and you stand there and we talk about it like that?
VERGE
... We can do anything you want.
DEIDRE
... Okay.
THE END.