Part 5: Trinkett’s Trip
MORNING ONCE AGAIN AT THE SHEEP’S EYE.
JUNE
So, here’s something...
FRANK
What?
JUNE
What are we going to do during skiing season?
FRANK
What do you mean, “what are we going to do?”
JUNE
I mean what are we going to do?
FRANK
Can you be a little more specific than that?
JUNE
“Welcome to the Horizon Motel, please let us know if you need more pillows or of your toilet sprouts tentacles and tries to eat you.”
FRANK
Ah... Right.
JUNE
Right.
FRANK
Honestly, I’m usually a big fan of long term thinking but I don’t think I can see all the way to tourist season right now.
JUNE
Because of the comet that’s going to hit us and destroy the Earth?
FRANK
A comet is not going to hit the Earth, I wish you would stop saying that.
JUNE
I wish you’d stop saying that.
FRANK
You’re not listening to what Trinkett told us.
JUNE
Are you?
FRANK
If anything, a comet is going to pass very close to Earth. It’s not going to hit us.
JUNE
And when it passes?
FRANK
When it passes it will, quite possibly, shower the Earth with dangerous debris that could have cataclysmic consequences.
JUNE
Listen to what optimism sounds like these days.
FRANK
I know.
DEIDRE APPROACHES.
DEIDRE
Hey, you two.
FRANK
Hey Deidre.
DEIDRE
How are we doing?
JUNE
Frank’s trying out optimism lately and it’s like he’s wearing a funny hat all the time.
DEIDRE
Okay. Well, in keeping with that, I have a few things.
FRANK
Here we go.
JUNE
Let the games begin.
DEIDRE
I am also going to try and stay positive while delivering some stressful news.
JUNE
Okay, good luck.
FRANK
What’s happening?
DEIDRE
We are experiencing a bit of a dip in the population.
FRANK
What do you mean?
DEIDRE
People are moving away.
FRANK
They are?
DEIDRE
Well, a lot of rental properties are owned by T.J. and I handle a lot of the rent collection and deposits for him. A lot of vacancies are opening up so I started checking into it. Lots of people are leaving town.
JUNE
How many?
DEIDRE
Well, I don’t know the exact number but, Eli the Electrician is gone, Locksmith Andy is gone.
FRANK
Shit.
DEIDRE
That’s the only electrician and the only locksmith in town.
JUNE
Don’t lose your keys, I guess.
DEIDRE
Basil is also gone.
FRANK
Basil.
JUNE
Y’know, Basil and their tea?
FRANK
The tea shop.
DEIDRE
Yes. Closed down and moved to Boring, apparently.
JUNE
A tea shop in Boring. Get it?
DEIDRE
I don’t know what happened to Dr. Lattice, but there was a note on her door saying “Living with the raccoons now.”
FRANK
Raccoons?
JUNE
I have to say, I saw that coming.
FRANK
What was she a doctor of?
JUNE
Nobody knows.
DEIDRE
Also Zivia’s mom and Pepper’s mom.
FRANK
Pepper’s... who?
DEIDRE
Embarrassingly, for some people, I only know their dog’s names.
JUNE
Aha.
FRANK
How many all together?
DEIDRE
Again, I don’t know, but I’m guessing about a hundred.
FRANK
Okay.
JUNE
Can you blame them?
FRANK
I guess not.
DEIDRE
Look, I think about getting out too but, I don’t know, I feel like I’d be abandoning people.
FRANK
I get it.
JUNE
Not everybody’s going to feel that way, Deidre.
FRANK
Honestly, maybe they’re better off. I’m certainly not going to beg anyone to stay. If someone needs basic electrical work done just tell them to call me.
JUNE
If they loose their keys tell them to go through the window.
FRANK
And if they need tea, tell them to drink coffee.
DEIDRE
Okay. Speaking of which, I’ll come back with some coffee.
JUNE
Thanks, Deidre.
FRANK
Hey Deidre.
DEIDRE
Yeah?
FRANK
Thank you for staying.
DEIDRE
Sure.
DEIDRE WALKS INSIDE.
FRANK
Honestly if I were her age I would’ve left when Relentless Rick showed up.
JUNE
Oh, I think Deidre’s got a few more reasons to stay than your average Hood’s Pocket citizen.
FRANK
What? Because of T.J.?
JUNE
... I think Deidre’s got a little thing for our local extra-terrestrial.
FRANK
Deidre’s got a thing for Verge?
JUNE
I think so. The vibe is out there. Can you feel the vibes?
FRANK
I try not to feel vibes.
JUNE
They’re out there.
FRANK
So Deidre, our nice local barkeep, has a thing for Verge, the apparently quite dangerous space alien living at our motel.
JUNE
Correct.
FRANK
Well... that’s not a train wreck waiting to happen at all, is it?
JUNE
Not at all.
FRANK
Whatever.
JUNE
I had a prime opportunity to make an alien probe joke right there and I abstained, where is my Peabody Award?
FRANK
A grateful nation thanks you.
JUNE
Somebody should be getting laid, right? This is the end of the world, shouldn’t people be sleeping with each other? Maybe I should call Tarvok.
FRANK
If you call Tarvok, I’m leaving town. Does he even have a phone? Don’t you have to blow a mystic horn from a mountaintop for him to appear?
JUNE
Oh, he’s got a horn alright.
FRANK
Desist. Immediately.
JUNE
Hey here’s something. It’s ten AM and nothing weird has happened yet.
FRANK
... Do you you know what you just did?
JUNE
I just jinxed it.
FRANK
You just jinxed it.
JUNE
Somebody had to.
FRANK
No they didn’t... You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to go talk to Trinkett.
JUNE
Why?
FRANK
I don’t know. I think she’s still a little messed up from our mushroom festival the other day, I’m going to go check in, make sure she’s alright.
JUNE
Normally I’d object, but I think you’re kind of right.
FRANK
Order me some oatmeal when Deidre comes back.
JUNE
What was that? Chocolate chip pancakes?
FRANK
Oatmeal.
JUNE
Whipped cream on top?
FRANK
Whatever.
FRANK MAKES HIS WAY ACROSS THE STREET TO TINKETT’S SHOP.
FLAT DOUG
Morning, Frank.
FRANK
Hey Doug.
FLAT DOUG
Hey, I heard that Eli left.
FRANK
Yeah, if you need some basic electrical I can probably do it.
FLAT DOUG
Okay, he got all his supplies through the store so if you need wires and stuff I can get them.
FRANK
That’s great.
FLAT DOUG
Also Locksmith Andy?
FRANK
Yeah.
FLAT DOUG
The guy who got me the change machine, he can also get me one of those automatic kiosks that makes keys for you.
FRANK
Really?
FLAT DOUG
Might take a couple of weeks.
FRANK
Let’s do that.
FLAT DOUG
Okay. I’ll let you know when it’s here.
FRANK
Thank you.
DOUG KEEPS WALKING.
FRANK (CONT’D) Hey, Doug.
FLAT DOUG
Yeah.
FRANK
You seem more relaxed lately, are you doing yoga or something?
FLAT DOUG
Uh... honestly I think everyone in town is now at my usual anxiety level, so it just looks like I’ve calmed down.
FRANK
Yeah, that sounds right.
FLAT DOUG
See you.
FRANK
Bye.
FRANK STOPS AT THE DOOR.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Okay, we’re going to be nice, we’re going to be supportive, we’re not going to make fun of anything... today. No promises tomorrow.
FRANK WALKS IN TO TRINKETT’S SHOP.
FRANK (CONT’D) Trinkett.
TRINKETT
Hello.
FRANK
How are you doing?
TRINKETT
I’m alright, how are you?
FRANK
I’m good, I’m good. I was just talking to Deidre, apparently we’re seeing some people leaving town.
TRINKETT
I think we expected that.
FRANK
Yeah, so I was thinking, maybe we should get a meeting together over at the Sheep’s Eye? People may want to leave, but won’t be able to, maybe we should try and assure people that they’ll be alright if they stay?
TRINKETT
... I don’t think I can do that today.
FRANK
Trinkett, look. I know the experience at Cameron’s house was rough, but I think you might feel better if you engage with people a little bit, y’know? Get out of your head.
TRINKETT
I’ve just taken some Ayahuasca.
FRANK
...
TRINKETT
Do you know what that is?
FRANK
Of course I know what that is.
TRINKETT
So, I think a town meeting would be bad.
FRANK
Trinkett, what the hell are you doing?
TRINKETT
I’ve done this many times before, Frank.
FRANK
Oh, I’m sure, but you chose right now?
TRINKETT
I need some clarity.
FRANK
Some clarity.
TRINKETT
I’m losing focus and I’m losing vision. I need some guidance so I brewed some this morning and I just drank it. It’s going to be fine.
FRANK
Trinkett, what’s this going to do to you?
TRINKETT
I thought you knew what it was.
FRANK
I know it’s what tech billionaires do at resorts. It’s where they get their great ideas on how to fuck up society.
TRINKETT
That’s a very pessimistic view and I can’t help that it’s being misused.
FRANK
What’s it going to do to you?
TRINKETT
I’m going to experience some visions and probably a bit of euphoria. What I see will be dictated by what I’m seeking.
FRANK
Which is what?
TRINKETT
... I have a particular worldview. Things have begun to happen that are outside that worldview and I need to expand my vision. I need a better understanding of the world as is changes.
FRANK
Right now, you need to do this?
TRINKETT
Absolutely.
FRANK
So while I’m out there dealing with all of the basic services disappearing from town you’re just going to be in here tripping your nuts off and communing with the spirits?
TRINKETT
Essentially, yes.
FRANK
... You told me we were in this together, that the town was going to need both of us.
TRINKETT
I was serious about that.
FRANK
You in here talking to the ghost of Timothy Leary while I’m out there dealing with things is not us “being in this together.”
TRINKETT
Do you want some tea as well? It might help me if we did this together.
FRANK
Trinkett.
TRINKETT
... I’m feeling very lost, Frank... I need to do this... This is what I do when I feel lost. Everybody knows what it means when you disappear up the mountain for a few days. It’s the same thing... please don’t be upset with me.
FRANK
Jesus Christ... Well, okay. Enjoy. If you happen to find the key to your enlightenment, be sure not to lose it, because we don’t have a fucking locksmith anymore.
TRINKETT
Frank.
FRANK WALKS OUT THE DOOR. DOUG COMES RUNNING DOWN THE STREET, FULL TILT.
FLAT DOUG
Oh shit. Oh shit. Excuse me, Frank. Oh shit!
FRANK
... That didn’t last long.
FRANK STARTS WALKING BACK ACROSS THE STREET. A CAR DRIVES BY, AS IT PASSES HIM THE DRIVER YELLS OUT THE CAR WINDOW.
GUY IN CAR
Life is an illusion!
FRANK
What?
THE CAR CONTINUES DOWN THE STREET AND LIGHTLY CRASHES INTO A TELEPHONE POLE. THE HORN CONTINUOUSLY HONKS.
FRANK (CONT’D)
That’s great. Really great. Wonder who’s going to have to clean that up?
FRANK SITS BACK DOWN AT THEIR TABLE AT THE SHEEP’S EYE.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Did you see that?
JUNE
What?
FRANK
Somebody just crashed into the telephone pole.
JUNE
They did?
FRANK
They’re still sitting there in their car.
JUNE
They are?
FRANK
... What is this?
JUNE
What?
FRANK
... Why do I have a turkey sandwich?
JUNE
What do you mean?
FRANK
Deidre brought me a turkey sandwich.
JUNE
Ok.
FRANK
... I see, this is a fun joke. This is another one of your oatmeal jokes.
JUNE
Oatmeal jokes...
FRANK
... Wait, why do you have a turkey sandwich?
JUNE
What do you mean?
FRANK
You have a turkey sandwich too.
JUNE
I do?
FRANK
... What the fuck is wrong with you?
JUNE
I don’t know what you mean.
DEIDRE
Frank?
FRANK
Deidre, what are you doing?
DEIDRE
I don’t remember who ordered these. Do you remember who ordered these?
FRANK
... Two turkey sandwiches?
DEIDRE
I think so.
FRANK
Deidre, it’s nine-thirty in the morning. Nobody in the history of the world has ordered a turkey sandwich at nine-thirty in the morning.
DEIDRE
... In the history of the world?
JUNE
Deidre, I think those are ours.
FRANK
No, they’re not. What are you talking about?!
JUNE
Are they not ours?
FRANK
We already have two turkey sandwiches that we didn’t order.
DEIDRE
I’m sorry, Frank. I must’ve... you know, I don’t really know what happened, let me take your order again.
JUNE
Two turkey sandwiches.
DEIDRE
Got it.
FRANK
No.
DEIDRE
Coming right up.
FRANK
Deidre.
DEIDRE WANDERS AWAY.
JUNE
I don’t know about you, but I’m really looking forward to that turkey sandwich.
FRANK
There’s one right in front of you.
JUNE
There is?... That was fast.
FRANK
... Wait a minute.
JUNE
What?
FRANK
I know that face.
JUNE
What face?
FRANK
That’s you’re “I’m trying very hard to conceal the fact that I’m high” face.
JUNE
I don’t have that face.
FRANK
I’m looking at it right now.
JUNE
Peshaw.
FRANK
I was gone for five minutes.
JUNE
Gone? Where did you go, where were you gone to?
FRANK
... Shit.
FRANK GETS UP AND WALKS TOWARD THE FRONT DOOR OF THE SHEEP’S EYE.
JUNE
Can you get me a turkey sandwich?
FRANK
No.
JUNE
C’mon...
FRANK WALKS INSIDE THE SHEEP’S EYE.
FRANK
Deidre.
DEIDRE
Hey Frank, here’s your turkey sandwich.
FRANK
Stop with the... Deidre, the bar is covered in turkey sandwiches, how many have you made?
DEIDRE
... Was I supposed to count them?
FRANK
... Why are people laying on the floor right now?
DEIDRE
I don’t know. But I get it, do you ever just want to lay down?
FRANK
... So this is what it’s going to be today, huh?
DEIDRE
What?
FRANK
Deidre, why don’t you go sit down and have a glass of water, okay?
DEIDRE
That sounds great.
FRANK
Don’t drive anywhere and don’t do anything in the kitchen, okay.
DEIDRE
Okay.
FRANK
I’ll be back.
DEIDRE
Okay. Frank?
FRANK
Yes.
DEIDRE
Do you know who made all these turkey sandwiches?
FRANK
I’ll be back. Big glass of water, Diedre.
DEIDRE
Okay!
FRANK WALKS BACK OUTSIDE AND BACK TO HIS TABLE.
FRANK
You.
JUNE
You.
FRANK
Don’t go anywhere, don’t do anything.
JUNE
You don’t go anywhere don’t do anything.
FRANK
Give me your keys.
JUNE
They’re my favorite keys.
FRANK
Don’t go anywhere.
JUNE
Have I ever told you that your shoes have little duck faces on them?
FRANK
Goddamn it.
FRANK WALKS AWAY.
JUNE
Where’d these turkey sandwiches come from?
FRANK MAKES HIS WAY BACK ACROSS THE STREET. THE CAR THAT HIT THE TELEPHONE POLE IS NOW BACKING UP. IT STOPS AND THEN TRAVELS FORWARD AGAIN.
GUY IN CAR
Life is an illusion!
HE HITS THE TELEPHONE POLE AGAIN. FRANK BURSTS INTO TRINKETT’S SHOP.
FRANK
Trinkett!
TRINKETT
(From the back.)
What?
FRANK
Come out here please.
TRINKETT
Okay, Frank, look. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have sprung this on you, I know we’re in this together. I’m not good at coordinating so-
FRANK
The whole town is high.
TRINKETT
... What?
FRANK
This ridiculous drug you just took, are you feeling the effects of it?
TRINKETT
... No.
FRANK
Is that strange?
TRINKETT
... Yes.
FRANK
You took a drug and it made everyone else high.
TRINKETT
How is that even-
FRANK
If you ask “How is that even possible?” I swear to God, Trinkett.
TRINKETT
... Hang on.
TRINKETT AND FRANK WALK OUTSIDE. THE CAR IS PULLING BACK AGAIN.
GUY IN CAR
Life is an illusion!
HE SMASHES INTO THE TELEPHONE POLE AGAIN.
TRINKETT
Oh, shit.
FRANK
Come on.
THEY START WALKING ACROSS THE STREET.
TRINKETT
Frank there’s no way I could’ve known this was going to happen.
FRANK
Sure, whatever. We’re going to go ahead and adopt a “you break it, you fix it” policy today. Hi, June.
JUNE
Trinkett! Trinkett, check it out. Frank’s shoes. Ducks, am I right?
TRINKETT
Shit.
JUNE
Language!
FRANK
You need to figure out how to snap everyone out of this.
TRINKETT
It’s not a hypnotic trance, Frank, I can’t just snap my fingers.
FRANK
You’ve got to do something.
TRINKETT
They’re just going to have to go through it. It’s not poison, it might be good for them.
FRANK
On an individual level? Sure, whatever. But everyone in town going through it all at the same time.
TRINKETT
We don’t know that it’s everyone in town.
FRANK
I will bet you five thousand dollars that it’s everyone in town.
JUNE
I’ll take that action! Roll the dice!
DEIDRE
Trinkett?
TRINKETT
Hey, Diedre.
DEIDRE
Here’s your turkey sandwich.
TRINKETT
Oh. Sweetie, I’m a vegan, remember?
DEIDRE
Oh, that’s right!
TRINKETT
It’s okay.
DEIDRE
I want to be vegan so bad, I think it would be so good for me.
TRINKETT
I know.
DEIDRE
But then it’s barbecue day.
TRINKETT
That’s okay, Deidre. How about we sit down?
DEIDRE
Okay.
TRINKETT
I think you should probably eat this sandwich.
DEIDRE
I can do that?
TRINKETT
Yes. I think it’s a good idea. And just sit here, okay?
DEIDRE
Right here?
TRINKETT
Yes.
DEIDRE
... forever?
TRINKETT
No, Deidre. Just for a little while, okay?
DEIDRE
Okay, that sounds good.
TRINKETT
Great.
FRANK
Any ideas how to handle this?
TRINKETT
I think the majority of people in town are going to be fine, but there may be a few who are going to have a bad trip, so we need to check up on as many people as we can.
FRANK
And if they’re having a bad trip, what then?
TRINKETT
I’ve got something I can make back at the shop, it can help keep them centered. It’s going to take me a few minutes.
FRANK
Great. Okay, get to work, I’ll start checking on people.
TRINKETT
Okay. Frank, I’m really sorry.
FRANK
It’s fine, go.
TRINKETT WALKS ACROSS THE STREET.
JUNE
Trinkett, where are going? Can you get me some pork rinds?
FRANK
Hey. You. Listen to me.
JUNE
I’m listening.
FRANK
Stay here. All day. Right here.
JUNE
Right here.
FRANK
Okay?
JUNE
Let’s do it.
FRANK
You promise?
JUNE
I promise. I’m going to pinkie swear, let’s pinkie swear... which one is my pinkie?
FRANK
Never mind. See you tonight!
JUNE
Pork rinds.
DEIDRE
This sandwich is so good, who made it?
JUNE
I’m going to the store.
FRANK KNOCKS ON VERGE’S DOOR.
FRANK
Verge?
VERGE’S DOOR OPENS.
VERGE
Hey there, Frank. Let me guess, something weird is going on.
FRANK
Please tell me you’re not hallucinating.
VERGE
I don’t know, are you really here talking to me?
FRANK
Yes.
VERGE
Then I guess I’m not. Eldin, am I hallucinating?
ELDIN
How the fuck would I know?
VERGE
Let’s say no.
FRANK
Are your, uh, people, effected by something called ayahuasca?
VERGE
Eldin?
ELDIN
There’s no data available on that, but Vapians are generally not susceptible to hallucinogens.
FRANK
I’m liking your planet more and more, I should visit there.
VERGE
It’s a black hole now.
FRANK
All the more reason.
VERGE
Anything else you need to know, are you just going door to door?
FRANK
I need your help.
VERGE
I’m sensing a pattern.
FRANK
I can explain more later, but everyone in town has been given a powerful hallucinogen.
VERGE
...
FRANK
I know.
VERGE
What the hell are we supposed to do about this, Frank?
FRANK
I need you to help me check on people.
VERGE
Check on people?
FRANK
Yeah, make sure they’re okay.
VERGE
Have they been poisoned or something?
FRANK
No.
VERGE
Why are we checking on them?
FRANK
Because they could be going through a rough time.
VERGE
So?
FRANK
Verge. You have decided, at least for now, to make a home amongst people. That implies certain things. Things like helping them out in a jam and checking on them when they are mysteriously dosed by an Amazonian hallucinogen. Work with me here.
VERGE
Fine. What am I doing?
FRANK
People are just going to be wandering around so we have to track them down somehow.
VERGE
Do they all have phones?
FRANK
Phones? Yes, for the most part.
VERGE
Eldin, locate everyone’s phone and put them up on a map.
ELDIN
Sure.
VERGE
(Showing him the screen.)
There you go.
FRANK
Holy shit. This is the whole town.
VERGE
Look Frank, there’s you.
FRANK
This is disturbing.
VERGE
What, that I can instantly pinpoint your location on a map using a device that you assume is completely private? The shock.
FRANK
Okay... okay seeing the map like this makes me realize this is going to be impossible to check on everyone.
VERGE
Great. Then I guess we hang out here. Do you want a drink? I’ve got some Wasabi Loobs Mum from Festen, best champagne in the galaxy.
FRANK
We need to do some triage.
VERGE
I’m beginning to understand why June makes fun of you all the time.
FRANK
There are some people in town that keep the place running more than others, we need to check on them. Without them, the wheels come off the wagon.
VERGE
The wheels are ON the wagon right now?
FRANK
Trinkett’s going to be fine, June’s taken more trips in the woods than a nearsighted lumberjack so I’m not worried about her. Let’s start with Doug and Deidre.
VERGE
The bartender?
FRANK
You wouldn’t think it but this place would be a mess without Deidre. Shit.
VERGE
What?
FRANK
She went home. We told her to stay put and she went home. Okay, I’m going to go check on Doug, you check on Deidre.
VERGE
Okay... how do I do that?
FRANK
How do you do what?
VERGE
Check on someone.
FRANK
You just... You check on them, you make sure they’re okay.
VERGE
But, what do I do?
FRANK
You don’t have to do anything. Make sure she’s not doing anything stupid.
VERGE
ANYTHING stupid?
FRANK
Verge. I get the whole High Plains Drifter thing but I’m not buying that you don’t know how to care about people, alright? Call me if you need anything. Wait, how do I call you, can I call you on that thing?
VERGE
Eldin, grab his phone.
ELDIN
(In Frank’s phone.)
Hello, Frank. I’m in your phone now. It’s terrible in here.
VERGE
Talk into your phone and I’ll hear it.
FRANK
Great.
WE MOVE TO THE CORNER STORE. WE HEAR THE DRONE OF THE REFRIGERATORS. JUNE ENTERS.
FLAT DOUG
Who’s there?
JUNE
Who’s there?
FLAT DOUG
June?
JUNE
Flat Doug?
FLAT DOUG
What are you doing here?
JUNE
I’m getting groceries for my Aunt Hilda, what are you doing?
FLAT DOUG
I work here.
JUNE
Right... Work... what do I do for work?
FLAT DOUG
You work at the Horizon.
JUNE
Yes. Yes, I do... So I’m going to do some shopping.
FLAT DOUG
Okay.
JUNE
You’re going to stay hiding behind the counter?
FLAT DOUG
Yes. It’s safe here.
JUNE
Okie dokie.
FRANK ENTERS.
FRANK
I thought I told you to stay at the Sheep’s Eye.
JUNE
I’m shopping.
FRANK
This couldn’t wait until tomorrow?
JUNE
I’ve decided, no.
FRANK
What could possibly be so important?
JUNE
I’m taking some groceries to Aunt Hilda’s house.
FRANK
Aunt Hilda?
JUNE
Yes.
FRANK
Great.
JUNE
Doug I’m going to take these groceries.
FRANK
Please don’t drive.
JUNE
It’s right up the street.
FRANK
Uh huh.
JUNE
Frank. You’re doing a great job.
FRANK
I appreciate it, June. You know Aunt Hilda died five years ago.
JUNE
Don’t be ridiculous.
JUNE WALKS OUT.
FRANK
... Doug?
FLAT DOUG
... Frank?
FRANK
Doug, where are you?
FLAT DOUG
... Where are you?
FRANK
I’m... I’m right here, I’m at the door.
FLAT DOUG
... Were you followed?
FRANK
Followed? By who?
FLAT DOUG
.... You know who.
FRANK
No I don’t.
FLAT DOUG
I can hear it out there.
FRANK
What?... Doug don’t tell me.
FLAT DOUG
A snow plow makes a very distinct sound, Frank. Did you know that?
FRANK
Doug, you’re the only one in town that doesn’t know that.
FLAT DOUG
I’ve been hearing it all morning.
FRANK
Yes, I’m sure you have.
FLAT DOUG
It can’t get me in here.
FRANK
Yeah, yeah I guess that’s true... So, you’re going to be fine, then?
FLAT DOUG
So what do I do? Spend my life in here?
FRANK
You’re not going to feel this way forever, Doug.
FLAT DOUG
I feel like I have spent my whole life in here.
FRANK
You haven’t spent your whole life in here, Doug.
FLAT DOUG
I haven’t?
FRANK
Doug you go fly fishing twice a year and buck hunting every winter.
FLAT DOUG
Yes. Yes I do, but all that time I feel like, mentally, I have always been a resident of Peppercorn’s Shop and Go.
FRANK
Jesus Christ.
FLAT DOUG
When will I be set free of this place, Frank?
FRANK
Doug. You’re not a prisoner. You can walk outside any time.
FLAT DOUG
The snow plow is out there, Frank, I can feel it.
FRANK
Doug. The Shop and Go is not a prison and there’s no snow plow outside.
FLAT DOUG
Not all prisons have bars, Frank.
FRANK
Doug. Get up.
FLAT DOUG
What if it sees me?
FRANK
Get up.
FLAT DOUG
Fine. Can you hear anything?
FRANK
Nope. C’mon, let’s go.
FLAT DOUG
Where are we going?
FRANK
We’re going outside.
FLAT DOUG
I can’t go outside.
FRANK
Do you want to spend your life in here?
FLAT DOUG No.
FRANK
Well, occasionally if we want to leave the house we have to face the imaginary snow plows in our heads. Let’s go.
FLAT DOUG
They’re very crafty, they can sneak up on you.
FRANK
Okay. Come on.
FRANK AND DOUG WALK OUTSIDE. ALL’S QUIET.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Okay. Here we are. See? No problem.
FLAT DOUG
My god...
FRANK
What?
FLAT DOUG
There it is.
FRANK
Doug?
FLAT DOUG
It’s been hunting me all morning and there it is.
FRANK
No, Doug, that’s just a car. Someone crashed it into a telephone pole a few times and walked away I guess.
FLAT DOUG
Shh. Don’t let it know we’re here.
FRANK
It’s just a car.
FLAT DOUG
You know what, Frank? You know what... at a certain point you have to say enough is enough. All my life I’ve felt like there was something waiting for me right outside but I could never see it. But look... thar she blows.
FRANK
It’s just a car.
FLAT DOUG
Enough is enough Frank!
FRANK
Doug-
DOUG WALKS BACK INSIDE.
ELDIN
Pardon me, Frank. I hate to interrupt because of how hilarious this is, but I thought I should alert you that someone you refer to as Edgy Steve has left the town limits and is wandering into the woods north of town.
FRANK
Wonderful. Can you call Trinkett?
ELDIN
Calling Trinkett.
FRANK
... Trinkett, how’s your magic potion coming along?... Uh huh, great. Listen, I’m a little busy with Flat Doug right now and apparently Steve is wandering into the woods north of town, you’re going to have to handle that one... Trinkett, Steve is going to wander right off a cliff or something, can you put your cauldron on “simmer” and go check on him please? I told you, I’m busy with Doug.
DOUG RE-EMERGES FROM THE STORE WITH A BASEBALL BAT.
FRANK (CONT’D)
... Who now has a baseball bat and is convinced that a car is a snowplow.
FLAT DOUG
Towards thee I roll!
DOUG STARTS HITTING THE CAR WITH THE BASEBALL BAT.
FRANK
He’s hitting the car with the bat now.
FLAT DOUG
Thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee!
FRANK
Yeah, he’s quoting Moby Dick.
FLAT DOUG
From hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee!
FRANK
So, like I was saying, I’m a little busy right now. You’re going to have to handle Edgy Steve.
FRANK WATCHES WHILE DOUG HITS THE CAR OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
FRANK (CONT’D)
You know, Doug, I hate to say it, but this seems to be working for you. Go ahead and lean into it.
FLAT DOUG
I'll chase him round Good Hope, and round the Horn, and round the Norway Maelstrom, and round perdition's flames before I give him up!
VERGE CLIMBS THE STEPS OF DEIDRE’S PORCH AND KNOCKS ON THE FRONT DOOR.
VERGE
... Deidre? Deidre It’s Verge, I’m here to check on you... which is what people do when they live near other people... or something. Are you there?
DEIDRE THROWS THE DOOR OPEN.
DEIDRE
It’s you.
VERGE
Hi-
DEIDRE SUDDENLY HUGS VERGE.
VERGE (CONT’D)
OH-kay... hugging is fine... hello.
DEIDRE
Your body’s so cool.
VERGE
Thanks?
DEIDRE
I’m so glad you’re here.
VERGE
Sure. Me too... Deidre do you maybe want to put some pants on?
DEIDRE
What?
VERGE
You’re half naked.
DEIDRE
Oh... right... yeah... I’m just so hot, do I feel hot? I’m burning up, feel my head, give me your hand... feel... I’m burning up right?
VERGE
You’re very warm.
DEIDRE
I don’t know what’s going on, I think I’m going to lay on the floor again.
VERGE
Okay.
DEIDRE LAYS ON THE FLOOR.
DEIDRE
That’s better.
VERGE
... Okay, well, you seem to be doing fine-
DEIDRE
Come in, please, come in. It’s so great that you’re here.
VERGE
Why is that?
DEIDRE
I mean it’s also terrifying because, yaaaaaaa! It’s you! You know?
VERGE
I don’t.
DEIDRE
Now I feel like I’m going to fall into the ceiling. Can you help me up?
VERGE
Sure.
DEIDRE
...What are you doing here?
VERGE
I’m checking on you.
DEIDRE
Oh... well that’s very nice of you.
VERGE
It’s no problem.
DEIDRE
You’re a very nice person. You seem nice.
VERGE
Thank you.
DEIDRE
Also, I mean, what the hell are you doing here?
VERGE
I just said.
DEIDRE
No, like, what are you doing heeeeere. In town... You just kind of showed up. And I’m sitting here thinking “whaaaat is happening?” Who is this person? They’re here in this place? Because you just... you seem so... I don’t know, I don’t know what the word is like you should live in Germany or something? And I can’t concentrate... I mean ever. I have a hard time concentrating ever and then the other day I realized I had been sitting there for five minutes with the water running in the sink just wondering what your deal was.
VERGE
I had no idea I was so distracting.
DEIDRE
... Yeah, you did.
VERGE
... Okay maybe a little.
DEIDRE
... You’ve got all these colors around you right now. They’re pink and yellow and blue, it’s really beautiful.
VERGE
...
DEIDRE
...
VERGE
Deidre-
DEIDRE
I think I need to lay on the floor again.
VERGE
Good idea.
DEIDRE LAYS BACK DOWN.
DEIDRE
... Apparently everyone in town is high right now.
VERGE
No.
DEIDRE
Something in the water, I guess. You’re not though.
VERGE
I’m fine.
DEIDRE
Why is that?
VERGE
I usually don’t trust the tap water in a new place.
DEIDRE
Okay. Where are you from?
VERGE
Nowhere, really.
DEIDRE
Oh please don’t do the mysterious stranger thing, I’m already so confused.
VERGE
I... my family was always moving around... and then after that so was I... hard to say I’m from somewhere.
DEIDRE
Wait. Are you Romani? Is that what I’ve been picking up on?
VERGE
I don’t know what that is.
DEIDRE
I need to find my phone.
DEIDRE GETS UP AGAIN.
DEIDRE (CONT’D)
... Am I hallucinating or is my house a wreck?
VERGE
You’re not hallucinating.
DEIDRE
Okay. If I were my phone I would be where? Is it by the door?
VERGE
(To Eldin.)
Where’s her phone?
ELDIN
(Whispering.)
The windowsill.
VERGE
Here it is.
DEIDRE
Great. Great great great I want to show you something... okay everything is spinning I need to show you something on the couch.
VERGE
Okay.
THEY SIT ON THE COUCH.
DEIDRE
I’ve got it saved, hang on, wow my phone looks so crazy right now... here it is.
WE HEAR SOME DRUMMING COMING FROM DEIDRE’S PHONE.
DEIDRE (CONT’D)
I was in Greece with my family... and there were these street musicians from Africa in this public square, see them?... I started recording them and after a while... There, see them? These three women come up and start dancing to the music... and then more join in... I thought it was so cool... They’re Romani, they’re nomadic, they roam all over Europe and the Middle East... You’re like them?
VERGE
A little. Sure.
DEIDRE
... I showed this to my grandfather who is old and a little racist, and he said “Don’t ever go near those people. They can’t be trusted.” I don’t know why he’s like that.
VERGE
... You can trust me.
DEIDRE
... I know that I can.
VERGE
...
DEIDRE
... I really need to put my head in your lap.
VERGE
Okay.
SHE DOES.
DEIDRE
This is better. Can you stoke my hair?
VERGE
... Like this.
DEIDRE
Yes... that’s great... I feel like I’m going to fall asleep but I’m scared.
VERGE
Just pretend you already are.
DEIDRE
... Is this a dream?... I don’t want it to be...
VERGE
... I don’t either...
WE MOVE TO AN EMPTY GLADE OF TREES. TRINKETT MAKES HER WAY THROUGH THE TREES.
TRINKETT
Steve?... Steve are you out here?
EDGY STEVE
... Hey...
TRINKETT
There you are. Steve, how are you feeling?
EDGY STEVE
... Fine...
TRINKETT
Something got into the drinking water... I think that’s what were going with...
so everyone’s going through a pretty strange time right now. How are you doing?
EDGY STEVE
I’ve been high since I was thirteen years old, Trinkett, it’s kind of just a Tuesday for me.
TRINKETT
Oh... okay...
EDGY STEVE
... You have a name for this place right?
TRINKETT
For this glade? Um, yes, I did. It’s a glade of wishes... I would come here and express things I wanted.
EDGY STEVE
Express them to who?
TRINKETT
To... you really want to talk about this right now, Steve?
EDGY STEVE Yes.
TRINKETT
... The Triple Goddess and the Great Horned God.
EDGY STEVE
Who are they?
TRINKETT
They are embodiments of the duality of life. That’s the best way to put it, I guess.
EDGY STEVE
Are they real?
TRINKETT
... Steve, I don’t know what’s real anymore.
EDGY STEVE
... Is there really a comet heading for Earth?
TRINKETT
... I don’t know, Steve. Maybe.
EDGY STEVE
... I think, maybe I shouldn’t have spent so much of my life making sure skiers had enough weed and meth, Trinkett.
TRINKETT
... Maybe?
EDGY STEVE
It just kind of happened to me.
TRINKETT
I know the feeling.
EDGY STEVE
Do you ever feel that way? Like your life just kind of happened to you?
TRINKETT
I had to make a lot of conscious decisions to be who I am, Steve. A lot went into the making of Trinkett Coralee, I wasn’t born like this... Then again, my parents travelled with a Renaissance Faire nine months out of the year, so I guess it’s not much of a surprise that their daughter wound up being a witch at the top of a mountain.
EDGY STEVE
... I heard you were a goth in middle school.
TRINKETT
Yeah. Yeah I was.
EDGY STEVE
I bet you were pretty cool.
TRINKETT
Honestly, I was. Cheerleaders were scared of me, it was pretty fun... What were you in middle school?
EDGY STEVE
I never showed up for middle school. So I guess I was that kid that parents told their kids not to hang out with, I guess that was me. Cautionary tale... Trinkett, what if the world comes to an end and that’s all I ever did? I thought I’d have more time than this.
TRINKETT
Steve, I think if you’d spent your whole life being an ideal citizen, then right now you’d be saying “Damn, why didn’t I do more drugs?”
EDGY STEVE
(Laughing.)
Yeah... Yeah, I guess.
TRINKETT
That’s the duality of life I was talking about. Always wishing for the other thing. People who kept it simple worry they were too lazy, people who achieve a lot worry they never took the time to slow down. Kind of a no-win situation.
EDGY STEVE
Are you happy with what you’ve done with your life?
TRINKETT
See... that’s the trap, Steve. “Am I happy with what I’ve done? With who I’ve become?” Implying you made mistakes along the path, that there was some right way or some wrong way... Those things are impossible to know. There’s a whole host of spirits out there. They can haunt your dreams and keep you awake at night, rattle the dishes in your cupboard... none of them are as terrifying as the ghost of the life we didn’t lead.
EDGY STEVE
... If those gods of yours were real, is that what they would say to be right now?
TRINKETT
I don’t know what they would say. But I know they put me in this glade with you right now. And I’m thankful for that... Have you eaten anything today?
EDGY STEVE
No, I forgot.
TRINKETT
Well, there’s about nineteen turkey sandwiches back at the Sheep’s Eye. How about we go and get you one?
EDGY STEVE Okay.
STEVE GETS UP.
EDGY STEVE (CONT’D)
We’re in The Wishing Glade. Do you want to make a wish?
TRINKETT
No more wishes. I’ve got everything I need.
WE MOVE TO THE OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN. JUNE FINALLY REACHES THE TOP OF A HILL.
JUNE
Aunt Hilda!... Aunt Hilda, come on out, I got you some groceries... Hilda, c’mon I climbed to the top of this godforsaken hill, let’s go... Fuck, you’re dead... Shit... Well, at least I don’t have to go grocery shopping.
JUNE MAKES HER WAY BACK DOWN THE HILL. WE MOVE BACK TO THE SHEEP’S EYE AT SUNSET. IN THE DISTANCE WE CAN STILL HEAR DOUG WAILING AWAY ON THE CAR.
DEIDRE
Thanks for checking in on me.
VERGE
It was an experience.
DEIDRE
I’ve embarrassed myself quite a few times in my life. I’m sure that’s not a surprise. This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me so it would be great if you could say something that makes it less so.
VERGE
... You have nice legs.
DEIDRE
... That’s... Literally the opposite of what I just asked you to do.
VERGE
Sorry.
DEIDRE
Verge.
VERGE
It’s no problem at all that you threw up for an hour.
DEIDRE
Worse!
VERGE
I’m sorry... this is new for me.
DEIDRE
What is?
VERGE
... Any of this.
DEIDRE
You’ll get the hang of it.
PEOPLE HAVE BEGUN TO FILE INTO THE SHEEP’S EYE.
FRANK
Welcome back everyone. Hope you enjoyed your trip. Come on inside there’s turkey sandwiches for everyone.
JUNE
Hello.
FRANK
Oh, hello. How’s Aunt Hilda?
JUNE
Still dead. But I’m sure she’s flattered that I still think of her. Why is Doug beating a car to death with a baseball bat?
FRANK
I think the drugs have worn off and now he’s just getting it all out.
JUNE
Good for him. Give ‘em hell, Doug!... You know what’s crazy, I really want a turkey sandwich right now.
FRANK
Then you’ve come to the right place.
JUNE
Make way, you drug fiends!
FRANK
Trinkett.
TRINKETT
Hello.
FRANK
Looks like we all made it through unscathed.
TRINKETT
I’m glad. I found this one wandering in the woods.
EDGY STEVE
Frank. I’m a drug dealer.
FRANK
I know.
EDGY STEVE
And that’s okay.
FRANK
It’s not.
EDGY STEVE
I’ll see you inside.
FRANK
Okay.
EVERYONE HEADS INSIDE. VERGE HANGS BACK AND LIGHTS A CIGARETTE.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Coming?
VERGE
You didn’t hallucinate.
FRANK
I know.
VERGE
Why not?
FRANK
Neither did Trinkett.
VERGE
She took the drug though, right?
FRANK
Yes.
VERGE
And everyone got high except for the alien from outer space and you.
FRANK
I’m sure there were other people that weren’t effected.
VERGE
... Okay.
FRANK
Coming in?
VERGE
In a minute.
FRANK
Alright.
FRANK HEADS INSIDE.
VERGE
... I smell something funny with that one.
ELDIN
I’ve been smelling it much longer than you have.
VERGE
Really? Eldin, have you been holding out on me?
ELDIN
I had to do a deep search of several archives in two galaxies, it’s been taking me a while.
VERGE
What were you searching for?
ELDIN
Precedent.
VERGE
And?
ELDIN
Do you remember at the house full of mushrooms when I scanned his lungs for spores?
VERGE
Yes.
ELDIN
There weren’t any.
VERGE
Spores?
ELDIN
Verge. There weren’t any lungs.
VERGE
... My goodness.
ELDIN
I was searching for an explanation. I didn’t find one.
VERGE
... Let’s keep this between us for now.
ELDIN
Excellent idea.
VERGE
... I like it here.
THE END.