Part 11: Big Day
THE FINAL MORNING IN HOOD’S POCKET.
VERGE AND DEIDRE ARE IN BED. DEIDRE IS STILL ASLEEP.
VERGE
Anything yet?
ELDIN
There’s chatter that it’s about to break, but I’ve heard that before.
VERGE
What’s the holdup?
ELDIN
The Teds are actively trying to stop the story from breaking. They’ve been successful so far, I’ll let you know when I hear something.
VERGE
Why doesn’t the universe want to give me nice things, Eldin?
ELDIN
Verge, would you like to have a conversation about your neuro-chemical environment in the past month?
VERGE
Point taken.
DEIDRE
(Waking up.)
What are you two talking about?
VERGE
My neuro-chemistry.
DEIDRE
This is what you two talk about in the morning?
VERGE
I’m also waiting for some news.
DEIDRE
What kind of news?
VERGE
I don’t know yet, I’m still waiting.
DEIDRE
...
VERGE
...
DEIDRE
Big day.
VERGE
Big day.
DEIDRE
... I should get up, I need to get to the Sheep’s Eye for the big meeting.
VERGE
Okay.
DEIDRE
... But I don’t want to.
VERGE
I don’t want you to.
DEIDRE
... You think Frank’s made coffee?
VERGE
I don’t know. How about I go check?
DEIDRE
Okay. Can you simultaneously go get me some coffee and stay in bed with me?
VERGE
I’m afraid not.
DEIDRE
That’s unfortunate... None of this feels real yet.
VERGE
I know.
DEIDRE
I wish we knew more. Eldin, do you know anything more?
ELDIN
I’m afraid not, Deidre. The Teds have a tight control over the data, and the Teds can’t be trusted, which means I only have data from your planet to rely on, and that data is a bit byzantine. We know the impact is tonight. We have no way of knowing where yet.
VERGE
Make me a deal?
DEIDRE
Okay.
VERGE
Let’s not think about it until after you’ve had a cup of coffee.
DEIDRE
That’s a good deal. I’ll take it...
VERGE
... What?
DEIDRE
Your face in the morning...
VERGE
What about it?
DEIDRE
... Nothing. Go get me coffee.
VERGE
Here I go.
VERGE WALKS OUT INTO THE PARKING LOT AND DOWN TO THE OFFICE. THEY OPEN THE DOOR AND FRANK IS LISTENING TO THE NEWS.
RADIO REPORTER
Good morning, this is Chris Janda reporting live from the Global Crisis Center in Geneva. In what scientists are calling an unprecedented astronomical event, humanity stands united yet uncertain as we count down the final hours before impact. The Wayfaring Stranger – a name that has become synonymous with both dread and determination – continues its inexorable journey toward Earth. World leaders have gathered in emergency sessions, while citizens from Tokyo to Toronto hunker down in designated shelters. The question on everyone's minds isn't if our world will change, but how profoundly.
With just hours remaining before the first fragment enters our atmosphere, this reporter can only marvel at the extraordinary sight of nations setting aside their differences to face what may be humanity's greatest challenge.
VERGE
... Frank?
RADIO REPORTER
Stay tuned to this station for continuous coverage of this historic event.
FRANK
Yeah?
VERGE
What are you doing?
FRANK
Thinking.
VERGE
Uh huh... Frank, I could swear you’re looking at three huge bars of gold right now.
FRANK
Yeah.
VERGE
... Why?
FRANK
Doug won’t shut up about financial systems collapsing and if they do, these three bad boys could be very useful.
VERGE
I see.
FRANK
Not sure how I make that work for us, though. It’s not like I can take one of these into Fred Meyer and ask for change.
VERGE
Where the hell did they come from?
FRANK
Clementine.
VERGE
Ah.
ELDIN
She gave you three bars of gold?
FRANK
She made them out of thin air.
ELDIN
Oh my.
FRANK
I don’t think she’s coming back for them so I’m calling them an asset.
VERGE
They’re very pretty.
FRANK
But what do I do with them?
ELDIN
Gold is fairly easy to manipulate, Frank. Do you know anyone with metallurgy skills?
FRANK
Actually. Yes I do... That’s funny.
VERGE
What?
FRANK
One of the first things June said was to melt it all down and make it into something. I told her she was crazy... What if June has been right about everything this whole time?
ELDIN
That’s a disturbing thought, Frank.
FRANK
She knew about the military base... Would my life be easier if I just listen to June all the time?
VERGE
That’s impossible.
FRANK
It is, right?
ELDIN
Frank, if I may, discerning how to melt down three bars of gold seems more like a tomorrow problem than a today problem.
FRANK
Yeah. I hear you. I think I’m trying to distract myself.
VERGE
I know how you feel, I’m in here on a coffee run for Deidre.
FRANK
No, I think we can call that a today problem. I just made some over there.
VERGE
Thanks.
FRANK
There is, of course, a coffee machine in every room.
VERGE
I don’t see how that’s relevant.
FRANK
Eldin, do we know anything else?
ELDIN
Not yet.
FRANK
When are we going to?
ELDIN
All I have to rely on is the data from Earth, but as soon as the Wayfaring Stranger is within range of the native sensors on the Phoenix, I’ll be able to give you much more detailed information. When that happens, I’ll let you know.
FRANK
Okay.
ELDIN
I want to stress again that the chances of a direct strike here in town are very small. The real concern will be the global ramifications of a strike happening elsewhere.
FRANK
I know. Is June still out in the woods?
ELDIN
She is.
FRANK
Is she coming back for the meeting?
ELDIN
I’ll check with her.
VERGE
Don’t bother her, Frank. It’s the end of the world, she’s trying to have some fun. We all are.
FRANK
Yeah, I know.
VERGE
What about you? The world’s going to hell and you’re still sitting here in the office.
FRANK
Verge I’ve got a fresh pot of coffee and three bars of gold, what more could a man need?
VERGE
That’s a fair point, Frank. (As the door closes.) But you’re not a man.
VERGE WALKS TOWARD THEIR ROOM.
ELDIN
It’s happening, the news is breaking.
VERGE
Oh shit.
VERGE RUSHES BACK INTO THEIR ROOM.
VERGE (CONT’D)
Here we go, here we go.
DEIDRE
What?
VERGE
The news I was waiting for.
DEIDRE
What is it.
VERGE
Eldin, where is it breaking?
ELDIN
Coalition portal, but it should make it’s way out to the rest of the Triad.
VERGE
Who broke the story?
ELDIN
Who do you think?
ALIEN NEWS ANCHOR
(On the Tangle.)
... There is now outrage across the coalition planets as the news was broken regarding The Ted Empire’s manipulation of data on a celestial body now threatening Earth. The news was initially broken by controversial Sigian journalist Bertiluna Restiana broadcasting on The Undersignal...
BERTBERT
(On the Tangle.)
You know, every once and a while you get to report on a story that you don’t have to put any spin on, you don’t need to spice it up with some fun language, you don’t have to dumb it down so that everybody gets it.
VERGE
There’s our girl.
DEIDRE
Who’s that?
BERTBERT
I get to just stand here and say what happened, and that’s enough. Weird, right?
DEIDRE
She’s blue.
BERTBERT
So, here we go... The Ted Empire has allowed Earth to get raked across the coals by a passing comet in an effort to distract from non-stop rebellions and protests across The Triad. They’ve deactivated the impact security perimeter around the planet and falsified reports saying that the comet currently approaching the planet is harmless. We are about to watch Earth, a planet beloved by the entire Triad, go through hell due to a completely preventable celestial event. It is disgusting and it is emblematic of this empire’s insidious ruthlessness. They will attempt to deny this, but I have the data from an anonymous source, and it is embedded in the broadcast. See for yourself.
VERGE
That’s us, we’re the anonymous source.
BERTBERT
Now, some of you will say, “Hey BertBert, if this is so important, why aren’t you going through official channels? Why are you broadcasting on The Undersignal?” Well, I’ll tell you why. I am currently broadcasting on The Undersignal for one reason and one reason alone— so that I can say the following... Get fucked, Ted Empire.
VERGE
Hoo baby.
BERTBERT
This is BertBert broadcasting on The Undersignal. Welcome to the fucking Triad.
VERGE
Holy shit, Berts!
DEIDRE
Who was that?
VERGE
That is the biggest thorn in the side of the Ted Empire, and one of the few people I’ve ever called my friend.
DEIDRE
So- I’m sorry, I’m still trying to wrap my head around this- what just happened?
VERGE
It’s a small victory but I’ll take it. The ones to blame for Earth’s impending doom are called the Teds.
DEIDRE
Right. “Teds bad.” I remember that.
VERGE
And we just broke the story that all of this is their fault. Now we wait to see how much trouble this makes for them.
DEIDRE
Okay. And that’s good?
VERGE
It’s great!
DEIDRE
I’m sorry, when you talk about all the space stuff, I still have no idea what we’re talking about.
VERGE
I know. Sorry about that.
ELDIN
Allow me, Deidre. Railroad monopolists of the 19th century.
DEIDRE
Okay, I’m listening.
ELDIN
They were a small group of men who controlled all of the transportation in your country. And they used this power to extract inordinate amounts of capital from the general populace.
DEIDRE
Right.
ELDIN
That’s the Ted Empire. They control all high-speed transit in three galaxies and use that power to put the screws to literally everyone.
DEIDRE
Oh. Well, that sucks. Okay, I get that. And then, who was just talking?
ELDIN
That’s BertBert. She’s from a planet called Sigius. The closest equivalent to Sigius would be... did you have a class president in high school?
DEIDRE
Oh yeah. Giovanni Salinas, he was a huge nerd.
ELDIN
Yes. Imagine an entire planet of class presidents.
DEIDRE
Okay, sure. I’m getting it now.
VERGE
Who would I be in high school?
ELDIN
I don’t know if we can carry the metaphor out that far-
DEIDRE
Oh no, I know who you’d be.
VERGE
Who?
DEIDRE
You’d be the one who smokes out behind the gym and listens to music I’ve never heard of... and you think about them a lot, but... you’re too much of a chicken to talk to them.
VERGE
But here you are.
DEIDRE
Here I am.
VERGE
...
DEIDRE
...
ELDIN
Deidre, I hate to break this up, but you asked me to remind you about the meeting at The Sheep’s Eye.
DEIDRE
Yes... Big Day.
ELDIN
Big Day.
DEIDRE
... So, that blue person is a friend of yours?
VERGE
She is.
DEIDRE
...do you think maybe you could stay with her?
VERGE
... What are you talking about?
DEIDRE
Big Day, Verge... This planet’s not going to be a great place to live after today, I think if you need to go-
VERGE
I thought we were done talking about this-
DEIDRE
-I don’t like worrying about you and if you have a friend out there-
VERGE
Why are you trying to get rid of me?
DEIDRE THROWS A PILLOW AT VERGE.
VERGE (CONT’D)
... Don’t throw a fucking pillow at me.
DEIDRE
Don’t you suggest for one second that me wanting you to be safe has anything to do with me not wanting to be with you!
VERGE
...
DEIDRE
... This has been the greatest month of my life.
VERGE
Me, too.
DEIDRE
What would you do? To keep me safe?
VERGE
Anything.
DEIDRE
Me too, dummy. That’s all I’m doing.
VERGE
Then I’ll say what I said to you last time. My ship seats two...
DEIDRE
... I can’t leave, Verge... I can’t be the person who leaves.
VERGE
... Then I can’t either.
ELDIN
Let me step in here. We still don’t know the level of destruction we’re going to experience. I should have much more information in a few hours. Let’s make decisions based on things we know and not on things that could happen.
DEIDRE
... Okay.
THE PHONE RINGS.
DEIDRE (CONT’D)
Who the hell calls you on the room phone?
VERGE
Only one person.
VERGE PICKS UP THE PHONE.
VERGE (CONT’D)
Hello, Trinkett.
WE HEAR THE CALL OF THE MUNGO AS WE MOVE TO TAVROK’S CABIN IN THE WOODS. LUCIAN IS LUMBERING PAST THE CABIN. JUNE SITS DRINKING COFFEE.
JUNE
Good morning, Lucian, you magnificent bastard, look at you... What’s on your agenda today, Lucian?
LUCIAN BEGINS EATING PINECONES.
JUNE (CONT’D)
Eating some pinecones? Sure. Sounds good... That’s seriously it? Just pine cones? That’s not rough on the stomach?... Lots of fiber, I guess. You must be the most regular space dinosaur in the universe... Speaking of which, I haven’t seen you poop yet, Lucian, but it’s going to be amazing, I can already feel it. Like an art installation.
TAVROK EMERGES FROM HIS WORKSHOP.
TAVROK
Good morn, my love.
JUNE
And speaking of magnificent bastards. Good morn to you, sir.
TAVROK
How does the day greet you?
JUNE
The day greets me just fine. I must say, for a man that has no electricity, you make an excellent cup of coffee.
TAVROK
I’m glad it pleases you.
JUNE
You’re usually banging on some metal in the morning, what have you got going on in there?
TAVROK
Leather working.
JUNE
Are you making a wallet that says “Bad Mother Fucker” on it?
TAVROK
I’m making a saddle.
JUNE
Oooh. Kinky. Okay, who wears the saddle, me or you?
TAVROK
It is for Lucian.
JUNE
Even kinkier.
TAVROK
I shall learn to ride him so that we may traverse the wilds together.
JUNE
I like it. I can’t wait to do my Debra Winger impression on it.
ELDIN
(In June’s phone.)
Excuse me, June.
JUNE
Eldin, I’m having coffee.
ELDIN
Big Day, June.
JUNE
... Yeah, alright.
ELDIN
I need to speak with The Beastmaster.
JUNE
Oh yeah? Tavrok, Eldin needs to speak to you.
TAVROK
...
JUNE
He doesn’t like you, Eldin.
ELDIN
Can’t you tell him I’m an enchanted mirror or something?
JUNE
That may work. Hey sweetie, just pretend it’s an enchanted evil thing, okay?
TAVROK
... Speak.
ELDIN
Hello Tavrok. Frank needs your assistance in turning three bars of gold into more manageable portions, I trust you’d be able to handle something like that?
TAVROK
Into baubles? Perhaps rings?
ELDIN
I was thinking a coin.
TAVROK
Yes. A set of coins. A great treasure.
ELDIN
That’s the spirit. You’ll get to work on making the mold?
TAVROK
I shall. Do not trouble me again.
ELDIN
It’s the last you’ll hear of it from me.
JUNE
What else, Eldin?
ELDIN
You should probably get a move on, June. Big Day, big meeting.
JUNE
Yeah, yeah, I’ll be there.
TAVROK
A great meeting back at the village?
JUNE
Yeah, it’s just going to be a bunch of the friggin’ townsfolk freaking out about a bunch of shit they can’t control. Kind of a waste of time, if you ask me... Maybe I’ll skip it. What do you think? Want to spend the last day on Earth teaching me how to make a saddle?
TAVROK
... June... since you’ve returned to me I have been filled with elation. But I have approached you as one would a mythic creature in the forest: slowly, so as not to frighten you away. But I feel now I must speak.
JUNE
Baby, the speaking is my least favorite part, though.
TAVROK
You should go.
JUNE
I should?
TAVROK
I want nothing more than for you to stay and sit with me as we watch the sky fall together. But I believe now is the time for you to be with your people.
JUNE
But can’t I just stay here and have you bring me things?
TAVROK
I recall your ancestor. Aunt Hilda.
JUNE
Aunt Hilda, what about Aunt Hilda?
TAVROK
She was a fine woman. I constructed for her, a loom. And in return she provided me with a meal of lamb shanks and mint jelly the color of emeralds.
JUNE
She did make a good lamb.
TAVROK
You confided in me, in your most private moments, that you feared you would one day become like Hilda.
JUNE
I did?
TAVROK
You said unto me, “I don’t want to end up the weird old lady up the mountain.”
JUNE
Wow, I did say that, didn’t I?
TAVROK
And despite this fear, it is on the mountain that you remain. And though you remain here, you still do not see yourself as a denizen of the mountain. You wish to see yourself as apart from it. As though you fear that it will seal your fate to swear fealty to this place. But I believe that time has come, June.
JUNE
Tavi, the world is ending. What difference does it make if I go to a meeting or not?
TAVROK
When we first parted, my world came to an end. I believe you will be struck to find that, after the eve of the apocalypse, the sun cometh in the morn.
JUNE
... Okay, fine... Thanks for letting me hide out in the woods for a while.
TAVROK
Wherever I raise a roof, you shall always find a home ‘neath it. Your home is here. Your home is in my heart. And in your absence I shall burn for you in the night.
JUNE
Oh, Tavi. The things you say to me are so hot and so terrifying at the same time. And then I ask myself, “are they hot because they’re terrifying?” And then then answer comes back “yes,” and then I do a whole thing in my head... Okay, here I go!
WE MOVE TO TINKETT’S SHOP. VERGE WALKS IN.
VERGE
Hello?
TRINKETT
(From the back.)
Hello! One second.
ELDIN
I hate it here.
VERGE
Why?
ELDIN
It’s very analog.
TRINKETT
(Emerging from the back.)
You’re just in time... I have been working on this for weeks now.
TRINKETT SETS A BOTTLE DOWN ON THE COUNTER.
TRINKETT (CONT’D)
What do you think?
VERGE
What’s in the bottle, Trinkett?
TRINKETT
Well, do you remember the mushroom you were telling me about?
VERGE
The Space Foot?
TRINKETT
Yes. I got a gas mask from Celeste and I went into Cameron’s house and I... I got to work. I dried out the mushrooms, turned them into a powder and I managed to turn the powder into what I think is a stable infusion.
VERGE
Trinkett. You literally made a magic potion.
TRINKETT
Well, I don’t know what I made. I don’t have a basis of comparison for this particular mushroom so...
VERGE
So...
TRINKETT
So I was wondering if I could ask the opinion of your little person.
VERGE
My little person.
TRINKETT
Yes, do you have him with you?
ELDIN
Greetings, Bavmorda.
TRINKETT
Hello, there.
ELDIN
How can I help?
TRINKETT
You can look at things right? Does he have eyes?
ELDIN
You’d like me to scan your mushroom juice.
TRINKETT
I would.
ELDIN
I’d be happy to. I do need to warn you, though. Transforming the Space Foot, an extraterrestrial fungus, into a usable medicinal substance is a very complicated process that’s never been achieved without superior technology.
TRINKETT
I understand. Have a look.
ELDIN
Very well.
TRINKETT
... So, Big Day.
VERGE
Big Day.
TRINKETT
I wanted you to know that I’ve been working really hard to get a sense of your aura.
VERGE
Thanks?
TRINKETT
It’s very complicated.
VERGE
Tell me about it.
TRINKETT
I think the problem at first was with your chakras. I was assuming you had the same energistic centers as a human, but you’re another being all together, so I had to really start from scratch.
VERGE
I don’t know what any of that means.
TRINKETT
Anyway, you’ve been giving off a lot of very positive energy these past few weeks. Are you and Deidre making love consistently?
VERGE
... uhh-
TRINKETT
None of my business. I’m just saying, whatever you’re doing, it’s working for you.
VERGE
Okay.
ELDIN
You know Trinkett, this is actually not bad at all.
TRINKETT
Really?
ELDIN
Yes. I have no idea how but in theory, this would be a usable agent.
TRINKETT
That’s fantastic.
ELDIN
It’s highly unusual that Space Foot could be processed like this.
TRINKETT
You think it might be helpful?
ELDIN
Well, I don’t want to go that far. If you don’t mind I’d like to set up several testing regimens but we don’t have the necessary equipment so we’ll have to improvise. If all goes according to plan, we could have a a very powerful medicine in about a year or so.
TRINKETT
A year?
ELDIN
Maybe two.
TRINKETT
Two years?
ELDIN
You don’t want to rush things like this, this is a very powerful compound.
TRINKETT
We might need this very soon, though.
ELDIN
I understand, but without all the proper testing infrastructure we’re going to need to take our time to do this responsibly.
TRINKETT
Yeah, but... Big Day.
VERGE
Trinkett.
TRINKETT UNCORKS THE BOTTLE.
ELDIN
Trinkett Trinkett Trinkett!
TRINKETT DRINKS THE ENTIRE BOTTLE.
TRINKETT
Oh... That is not a good taste at all... that tastes... that tastes how I think a cave would taste.
VERGE
...
ELDIN
...
TRINKETT
It’s going to be fine.
VERGE
... Eldin. What would be the recommended dosage for something like that?
ELDIN
... One drop in a glass of water.
VERGE
One drop? And she just drank?
ELDIN
Roughly four ounces.
VERGE
Okay...
TRINKETT
One drop?
ELDIN
Yes.
TRINKETT
Huh... What do we think that is going to do to me?
ELDIN
Welllllll, no one has ever ingested this much Space Foot in history so we’re in new territory here.
TRINKETT
Look, I’m sure it’s going to be fine. I’ve ingested some very strange things in my time, okay? Jimsonweed? That was a long forty-eight hours.
ELDIN
... Sure.
TRINKETT
Tell me more about this stuff, what did I just drink?
ELDIN
The questions, of course, should’ve come before the drinking.
TRINKETT
I realize that.
ELDIN
It has many healing properties.
TRINKETT
Great.
VERGE
Some cultures call it The Passenger.
TRINKETT
The Passenger? Why is that?
ELDIN
Welllllll-
TRINKETT
I feel like we’re tiptoe-ing around it. How about you just tell me.
ELDIN
Alright. It’s called The Passenger because it never leaves your system.
TRINKETT
...ever?
ELDIN
No, you see, Space Foot is an incredibly resilient fungus. So even though you have dried it out and powdered it and emulsified it, it is still considered a live... thing.
TRINKETT
So I have... living fungus inside my body right now?
ELDIN
That... that is correct.
TRINKETT
... Let’s jump to the end real quick, am I going to turn into a giant mushroom?
VERGE
No.
ELDIN
No.
VERGE
No.
ELDIN
... No?
TRINKETT
Good... I mean, the day was going to be weird anyway, right?
ELDIN
Sure.
TRINKETT
... What kind of side effects am I looking at?
ELDIN
Um... all of them?
WE MOVE BACK TO THE HORIZON. FRANK EMERGES FROM THE OFFICE HEADING FOR HIS TRUCK. DEIDRE EXITS VERGE’S ROOM AND STOPS HIM.
DEIDRE
Hey Frank?
FRANK
Yeah, what’s up?
DEIDRE
I’ve got a text for you from my grandpa.
FRANK
Why is TJ sending a message for me to your phone?
DEIDRE
I don’t know why he does most things.
FRANK
Fine. What is it?
DEIDRE
“You should tell Frank, if things get bad, have everyone shelter in the Sheep’s Eye.”
FRANK
The Sheep’s Eye looks like it could get knocked over by a high wind, why would we take shelter there?
DEIDRE
I don’t know.
FRANK
Ask him.
DEIDRE
Right. Okay. (typing.) Why... would... we... do... that?... He’s a slow texter.
FRANK
Sure.
DEIDRE
He still has a flip phone.
FRANK
Isn’t he a millionaire?
DEIDRE
Oh no, I think we’re talking about the “B word” with him.
FRANK
Seriously?
DEIDRE
He has a plane.
FRANK
A WWI bi-plane, I’m assuming.
DEIDRE
No, it’s really fancy. He took us to Puerto Rico on it once.
FRANK
I can’t imagine your grandfather in Puerto Rico.
DEIDRE
He was there on a business trip. Something about a telescope?
FRANK
Whatever.
DEIDRE
Okay, he says... “It’s got really great bones.”
FRANK
... Your grandfather’s a fucking maniac, Deidre.
DEIDRE
I know.
FRANK
You coming?
DEIDRE
I’m right behind you.
WE MOVE TO THE SHEEP’S EYE FOR THE BIG MEETING. THE BAR IS FILLED WITH PEOPLE.
FRANK
Okay, everybody, let’s settle down. We can get this part over with and you can all get back to freaking out.
THE CROWD QUIETS DOWN.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Thank you. Okay, everyone. Big Day. Thank you for taking the time out to be here, I know all of us are really nervous, but let’s count our blessings. The news about the comet broke about two weeks ago for the whole world— but it broke for Hood’s Pocket about a month ago, so we got a head start on everything. Doug, you’ve been amazing getting everything organized, can you give us an update?
DOUG
Hey, everyone. We’ve been working like crazy to get the old church converted over to storage and I have been stocking it like crazy for a month now.
We’ve got dry goods, canned goods, and medical supplies that should last us for quite a while. Now, the question that’s been hanging over all of us has been a very tricky one. If we’re talking about a worst case scenario, who gets what? This is a small town and it always has been. I’ve been here my whole life and for whatever reason this town just does not want to get any bigger or any smaller— but that doesn’t mean we’re all in the same situation. We’ve got people who have retired here up on Pine Ridge, all the way down to the colorful folks on trailer park lane. Lots of people took all sorts of winding paths to end up here. Everybody’s valid here, not because they made a bunch of money or because they work real hard, you’re valid because you exist. That’s all. Which is why we’ve decided that none of the goods that we’ve been stockpiling in the church are going to be available for purchase.
THERE’S SOME UNREST IN THE CROWD.
FRANK
Okay, everybody calm the fuck down... It’s called the... what is it called, Doug?
DOUG
The tragedy of the commons. People get scared and they act out of self-interest and end up depleting public resources. We’ve got a big stack of empty milk crates outside. Everybody in town gets a crate and you can fill it up once a week with whatever you need from the old church. And look, this isn’t a new idea. Lots of us here do some hunting and some fishing every year, and every season we get our tags from the state that tell us how much we can take home. There’s a reason for that, it’s not a conspiracy. If we want to maintain our resources, we have to do it in a way that is, I’ll be honest, a little frustrating... you don’t find yourself living in a small town on the side of a mountain because you particularly like being told what to do. But the fact of the matter is, we’re all in this together.
FRANK
And look, if you’re irked by this, I get it. I really do. Some of you may have remarked that I’m not the most agreeable person on the planet.
SOME LAUGHTER IN THE CROWD.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Yes. Shocking, I know. But, believe it or not, over the course of this year I’ve come to find that one’s desire for solitude will always be overcome by... by the idea that no worthwhile endeavor was ever created in solitude. It’s always been us. Making something together. So, with that said-
STEVE
Frank, I’d like to say a few things.
FRANK
... Sure, Steve. Sure, go ahead.
STEVE
Morning, all. Big Day. In light of everything Frank and Doug just said, I think it’s important that I give a report on the state of our town’s current weed stockpile.
FRANK
Steve, I don’t think we need to talk about this right now-
THE ENTIRE CROWD YELLS AT FRANK TO SHUT UP.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Okay, wow, excuse me. Steve, go right ahead.
STEVE
Thank you, Frank. Now, as we all know, you don’t need a guy like me anymore to partake in a bit of herbal supplementation. However in the past few weeks y’all have remarked that supplies have begun to dwindle. Lots of nervous folks out there right now and they’re all stocking up. So I took it upon myself to engage and old supplier of mine, K. Narcotics. A supplier that, shall we say, is not officially licensed by the state.
FRANK
Steve, I’m sorry, your drug supplier is named K. Narcotics?
STEVE
They like to engage a “hide in plain sight” mentality, Frank. Who would suspect someone with the last name “Narcotics” to be a drug dealer?
FRANK
Everyone.
STEVE
Anyway, I’m proud to report that our reserves are higher than they’ve ever been.
THE CROWD APPLAUDS.
FRANK
Okay, that’s great, Steve, thank you-
STEVE
If you’ll allow me, I have a full report on our supply and how it will be distributed in the coming months.
A SLIDE MACHINE SUDDENLY WHIRS INTO LIFE AND STEVE GOES TO THE FIRST SLIDE.
STEVE (CONT’D)
Slide one: As you can see on this chart I have our current reserves divided into strains from loud all the way down to mellow.
FRANK
Where did the slide machine come from?
OUTSIDE THE SHEEP’S EYE VERGE AND TRINKETT SIT WHILE VERGE SMOKES.
VERGE
Still feeling okay?
TRINKETT
Still feeling okay.
ELDIN
Any blurred vision, or perhaps the feeling like you’re about to die?
TRINKETT
Nope.
ELDIN
That’s good.
TRINKETT
Honestly, I’m feeling kind of great. Should I be feeling great?
ELDIN
I’m not sure, Trinkett, you’re the first person to do something this foolhardy in the history of three galaxies.
TRINKETT
It’s not my fault they’re all wusses.
ELDIN
I’m sorry what?
JUNE APPROACHES.
VERGE
Well well, look who’s returned from the frontier.
JUNE
What are we doing? Is this the cool kids table outside the meeting?
VERGE
It is.
ELDIN
Hello June, Trinkett may be dying.
TRINKETT
It’s true.
JUNE
Really? Is this an actual death, Trinkett, or is this one of your metaphorical deaths like on your tarot cards?
TRINKETT
Too early to tell.
VERGE
I’m surprised to see you, June. I thought you’d left us forever for the land of sword and sorcery.
JUNE
You know me, I go where the action is.
TRINKETT
You’re one to talk, Verge. You and Deidre have barely left your room at the Horizon.
JUNE
Oh Verge, you dirty little Earthling fucker.
VERGE
Well, I do have a history.
JUNE
Can I just say, look at us. The amount of sex Verge and I have fit into this, our last month of existence has been award winning. Our names should be on a plaque somewhere.
VERGE
June.
JUNE
Shhh, don’t be modest. Embrace it. We need to fill these last fleeting moments of Earth with unnecessary sexual braggadocio. We are both nailing and getting nailed by the end of the world right now.
TRINKETT
I’m very proud of you both. I think the energies of your current partners are very complimentary and the fact that Tavrok said that you should come back to town for the meeting showed real growth on his part.
JUNE
It did. He’s really coming into his own, that little... How did you know that?
TRINKETT
What?
JUNE
How did you know he said that to me?
TRINKETT
How did I what?
JUNE
He told me to come back to town for the meeting but he said that to me an hour ago. Eldin, did you tell her?
ELDIN
I didn’t.
TRINKETT
... But I totally knew that.
JUNE
Yeah, you did.
TRINKETT
How did I know that?
VERGE
Eldin?
ELDIN
No unusual brain activity.
TRINKETT
Hang on. Let me think... He told you to come back for the meeting, he told you that right after he told you he was making a saddle for the Mungo.
CELESTE PULLS UP IN A JEEP.
JUNE
How did you know about the mungo saddle?
TRINKETT
How do I know about the mungo saddle?
JUNE
You’re freaking me out, Trinkett.
TRINKETT
I’m freaking myself out.
CELESTE
Hello, everyone.
JUNE
Seargent!
CELESTE
How was the meeting?
JUNE
It’s still going.
CELESTE
What are you all doing out here?
JUNE
This is where the cool people hang out outside the meeting. So, why don’t you head inside, Celeste?
CELESTE
There’s about to be a global catastrophe and you’re all acting like teenagers?
JUNE
Cool teenagers.
CELESTE
What was the point of me giving everyone an early warning if you’re just going to act this way?
TRINKETT
Celeste, c’mon. You’re letting everyone on the base have a picnic right now.
JUNE
A picnic?
CELESTE
A brief one, to relieve stress. How did you know that?
TRINKETT
How did I know that?
THE MEETING IS OVER AND EVERYONE BEGINS SPILLING ONTO THE STREET.
FRANK
Okay, good meeting, everyone. Stay at home if you can, don’t panic, and stay in touch. Call me, call Doug-
STEVE
Call me.
FRANK
Call Steve if you absolutely cannot get ahold of anyone else, okay?
DEIDRE
Hey, guys.
JUNE
Deidre, we decided we were too cool for the meeting.
VERGE
Also most of them are afraid of me.
DEIDRE
It’s fine. It was just a “don’t panic” meeting anyway.
DOUG
Hey, everyone.
JUNE
Doug, you have a clipboard.
DOUG
Just need to check a few things. Is everyone’s phone charged?
FRANK
Phone is charged.
DEIDRE
Mine is.
STEVE
I’m at a very healthy 89%.
DOUG
This question is aimed at June, specifically.
JUNE
Hey.
DOUG
June. Big Day. Your phone is never charged.
JUNE
It will be charged.
DOUG
I see.
JUNE
I’ve been out in the sex-woods for weeks now, it’s very hard to charge your phone when you’re in the sex-woods.
ELDIN
You’ve posted to instagram 17 times in past 48 hours.
JUNE
You little snitch.
ELDIN
They’re all videos of Tavrok chopping wood.
JUNE
Those posts are doing amazing numbers right now.
DEIDRE
June.
JUNE
It’s not my fault that everyone wants to look at my boyfriend when the end of the world is coming.
DEIDRE
Boyfriend?
JUNE
Shut up, Deidre.
CELESTE
I’ll admit, they are compelling. I’ve watched all of them. My “For You” page is ruined.
FRANK
Hey, guess what, I hate every part of this conversation. Doug, is there anything else?
DOUG
No. I’m afraid it’s all a waiting game now. If you’re interested, I do have a list of non-emergency items to make the time go faster.
ELDIN
Verge. A word.
VERGE
I’ll be right back.
FRANK
Let’s hear it.
DOUG
Well, all of our supplies are secured in the old church, but I’m worried that in the future people may panic or become desperate and maybe try to break in.
CELESTE
It wouldn’t surprise me.
FRANK
What should we do about that?
CELESTE
I could post some guards.
FRANK
I really don’t want guards outside the church.
DOUG
I think someone should try and break in.
FRANK
To the church?
STEVE
Put me in, coach.
FRANK
Of course. Fine. Steve go try and break into the church.
VERGE
(To Eldin.)
What’s up?
ELDIN
...
VERGE
Eldin.
ELDIN
I think I should make us a flight plan.
VERGE
Why?
ELDIN
... Verge I want you to know that it’s admirable that you have managed to become a member of this community. That’s a veritable impossibility for any Vapian, you especially.
VERGE
Why are you telling me this?
ELDIN
My first priority is always your safety.
VERGE
Eldin.
ELDIN
... The Wayfaring Stranger is now within range of the sensors onboard the Phoenix... They’re fucked, Verge.
VERGE
I thought you said today wasn’t going to be a problem.
ELDIN
I said it was a very small chance. Looks like they got lucky... If we leave in the next few hours-
VERGE
I’m not leaving.
ELDIN
... Very well. Then it looks like the meeting’s not over.
TRINKETT
Everyone. We need to go back inside. Verge has some bad news for us.
WE MOVE BACK INSIDE THE SHEEP’S EYE. MUSIC IS PLAYING.
ELDIN
Deidre, would you mind shutting off the music, please?
DEIDRE
Okay.
SHE SHUTS OFF THE MUSIC.
ELDIN
Everyone get out your phone and look at your screen. Trinkett have a look at my screen.
TRINKETT
Okay.
ELDIN
The Wayfaring Stranger is now within range of the sensors onboard The Phoenix. As you can see from the mockup on your phone, the situation has gotten very complicated. The main body of The Wayfaring Stranger will continue past Earth but as it passes, Earth’s gravity will tear off a sizeable chunk and pull it into Earth’s gravity well. That fragment of the wayfaring stranger will then begin to break apart as it approaches. There will be several strikes on Earth. Those strikes will travel in a line up the Pacific Coast of North and South America. The first strike will be Antarctica, there will be minimal casualties for that one, but the heat generated will cause all sorts of changes to the environment and increased glacial runoff is not exactly what your planet needs right now. The second strike will be off the coast of Lima, Peru. It wont be a direct strike, but Lima will be in the blast radius and there will also be massive tsunamis all along the coast for hundreds of miles. Much the same will be Monterey, California, British Columbia and the Yukon Territory.
FRANK
So, they’re going to miss us?
ELDIN
Yes. But the real concern of ours is this: accompanying those four major strikes will be literally thousands of smaller strikes from Antarctica all the way to Canada. Smaller pieces of the Wayfaring Stranger will rain down everywhere. These fragments wont be able to create tsunamis or melt glaciers, but they will be able to lay waste to farmland, burn forests, and destroy buildings.
FRANK
And those aren’t going to miss us.
ELDIN
It’s a statistical impossibility that they would.
JUNE
Well, fuck.
CELESTE
We should get everyone to the base, we can shelter there.
ELDIN
It’s not a terrible idea, Sergeant Major, but your base doesn’t have any underground structures and the building won’t provide that much more cover. Also, the time it would take to organize that amount of people getting all the way around the mountain would definitely leave people out in the open and right now it’s best that everyone be inside a structure of some kind... The only thing you can do right now is inform the town, and hope for the best.
JUNE
Guess it’s okay that I skipped the meeting, then.
ELDIN
Right now I’m linking all of your phones to me. Should the cellular network go down we’ll still be able to communicate through the network I’m creating. Verge, if you don’t mind, I think you should leave me with Trinkett for the time being.
VERGE
Sure.
FRANK
Alright guys, no speeches, let’s work the problem. Deidre, can you start making calls?
DEIDRE
Yeah.
FRANK
Doug, can you post all the information on that online forum thing you set up?
DOUG
Yes.
FRANK
Celeste, I’m assuming you need to brief the troops or whatever?
CELESTE
Yes. If things start burning, get to the other side of the mountain, we’ll be waiting.
FRANK
Okay. June, there’s a handful of people in town who aren’t online and don’t answer their phone, let’s go knock on their door.
JUNE
Dummy patrol, got it.
FRANK
Eldin, how much time do we have?
ELDIN
Three hours.
FRANK
Okay, let’s move everyone.
DOUG
Frank.
FRANK
Yeah?
DOUG
I think in light of this, I should get higher up on the mountain.
FRANK
Why?
DOUG
If I get up high enough I’ll be able to see the whole town. If someone’s house gets hit I’ll be able to see it and let you know.
FRANK
Okay, that’s not a bad idea, get up there.
STEVE
Hey, Frank.
FRANK
Yeah.
STEVE
If you don’t mind, I’d like to stick with the whole breaking into the church idea. I know it won’t help right now, but breaking the law helps me relax.
FRANK
Sure, Steve. Go for it.
VERGE
Deidre.
DEIDRE
... I’m not going.
VERGE
Anybody here would tell you to go if you can.
DEIDRE
I know. I would tell me to go, but I’m not doing it, Verge. I can’t... I kind of wish there were still two of me. One could go and the other could stay.
VERGE
Deidre, I’ve seen things like this happen. It’s much worse than you think it’s going to be.
DEIDRE
I’m staying.
VERGE
... Okay.
DEIDRE
Listen to me... I know I can’t convince you to go, but I want so bad to convince you that... if you left now, it would be an act of love, Verge. If I knew you were safe it would mean the world to me right now.
VERGE
I can’t leave you.
DEIDRE
And I couldn’t leave you. I’m asking you to do the impossible. But I don’t know what else to do. I had to ask... I love you.
VERGE
... I love you, too.
DEIDRE
... The world’s ending... I have to tell everyone...
DEIDRE DIALS THE PHONE.
DEIDRE (CONT’D)
Rocky G, hey it’s Deidre, listen, I’ve got some bad news...
VERGE
Trinkett?
TRINKETT
Hey, Verge.
VERGE
Can you do something for me?
TRINKETT
Of course.
VERGE
If anything happens to me, I need you to give Eldin to Deidre, okay?
ELDIN
Verge.
VERGE
Quiet, Eldin.
TRINKETT
... I can do that.
ELDIN
Verge, I object to you making any plans right now-
VERGE
Activate legacy protocol. Recipient ID: Deidre Peppercorns.
ELDIN
... Legacy protocol acknowledged.
VERGE
... I’ll be right back.
ELDIN
Verge.
TRINKETT
Eldin, Shhhh. Verge is on a path right now, we need to respect that path.
ELDIN
I’m afraid that’s not in my programming.
TRINKETT
Well, we’re all going to have to reach outside of ourselves today, aren’t we?
ELDIN
I’m suspicious of your level of calm right now.
TRINKETT
Yes... Yes, I am feeling strangely good right now. I shouldn’t be, right?
ELDIN
You absolutely should not be. You have a ridiculous amount of alien mushrooms in your bloodstream.
TRINKETT
But I feel great. I feel awake, you know?
ELDIN
Thousands of space rocks are about to rain down on our heads.
TRINKETT
Right... You know what? Let’s take a walk.
ELDIN
No.
TRINKETT
Shhh. It’s fine.
TRINKETT WALKS OUT OF THE SHEEP’S EYE. AS SOON AS THE DOOR SWINGS OPEN, TRINKETT FINDS HERSELF IN A DEEP FOREST AND THE SHEEP’S EYE IS GONE.
TRINKETT (CONT’D)
... Uh oh.
ELDIN
What?... Trinkett?
TRINKETT
Where am I right now?
ELDIN
You’re standing outside the Sheep’s Eye.
TRINKETT
No... no I’m not.
ELDIN
What?
TRINKETT
(Taking deep breaths.)
I am a human being on the planet Earth. My feet are planted on the ground. I am human being on the planet Earth. My feet are planted on the ground.
ELDIN
Trinkett.
TRINKETT
I’m hallucinating, Eldin.
ELDIN
Wonderful.
TRINKETT
It’s very vivid.
ELDIN
Congratulations.
TRINKETT
I’m in the middle of a forest.
ELDIN
You were already in the middle of a forest.
TRINKETT
Yes, but there’s no town anymore. Just trees everywhere.
ELDIN
We really do not have time for this, Trinkett.
TRINKETT
No no. This is important. Someone’s trying to tell me something.
ELDIN
Who?
TRINKETT
I’m either trying to tell myself something or... someone else is. That’s how hallucinations work.
ELDIN
Would you like me to explain how hallucinations actually work?
TRINKETT
Don’t be a stick in the mud, Eldin. I was feeling a little useless earlier today, but now... now I’m in my element.
A little vision quest before the end of the world is just what the doctor ordered... Let’s go for a walk...
ME MOVE TO A TRAIL FURTHER UP THE MOUNTAIN. DOUG WALKS ALONG THE TRAIL AND THEN STOPS AND DIALS HIS PHONE.
DOUG
Hey Frank.
FRANK
(In Doug’s phone.)
Yeah.
DOUG
I’m up on the ridge, I’ve got the whole town in my sights and I’ve got my high powered binoculars. I’ll let you know when I start seeing something.
FRANK
Okay, stay safe up there.
DOUG
You stay safe down there.
AFTER A MOMENT WE BEGIN TO HEAR THE CALL OF THE MUNGO VERY FAR OFF.
DOUG (CONT’D)
... Jesus Christ.
ELDIN
(In Doug’s phone.)
Don’t worry.
DOUG
Jesus Christ!
ELDIN
Apologies, I’ve linked all your phones now so I can speak to all of you.
DOUG
... Is that... Is that what I think it is.
ELDIN
Yes, that’s the Mungo. Have you not seen it yet?
DOUG
No, I just heard people talk about it, that’s... that’s a giant monster.
ELDIN
I know it seems that way, but they’re very docile.
DOUG
And it just... showed up one day?
ELDIN
It did.
DOUG
How?
ELDIN
I was confused about it at first as well, but upon further research it makes a strange kind of sense. The Mungo is a curious creature. They appear to be native to a few planets on record, which shouldn’t happen. It’s fairly impossible for the same species to develop identically on planets thousands of lightyears apart. But then it was discovered that the Mungo emits a faint signature of tachyonic particles, suggesting that their relationship with space and time is perhaps a bit more casual than yours and mine.
DOUG
Do you think it’s happy here?
ELDIN
It seems to greatly enjoy pine cones.
DOUG
... I feel very strange.
ELDIN
It’s been a strange year, Doug.
DOUG
... I should be at home right now hiding under my bed, but I’m not.
ELDIN
Ah. Yes, that’s not surprising.
DOUG
It’s not?
ELDIN
No. Earthlings that suffer from anxiety, as you do, will often find themselves more at peace in times of high stress.
DOUG
Is that right?
ELDIN
Oh yes. I’m sure you’ve found that, as a sufferer of anxiety, it’s those quiet and still moments that are the truly difficult ones.
DOUG
That really is true.
ELDIN
Hardly a quiet and still moment these days.
TRINKETT
(In Doug’s phone.)
It’s true, Doug, you’ve really grown a lot this year.
ELDIN
Would you get back to your hallucination, please?
FRANK
(In Doug’s phone.)
To her what?
TRINKETT
Don’t worry about it, Frank.
FRANK
What is Eldin talking about?
TRINKETT
Okay, listen...
WE MOVE BACK TO TRINKETT’S HALLUCINATION. SHE IS DEEP IN THE WOODS.
TRINKETT (CONT’D)
Yes, I am hallucinating right now, but it’s going to be fine.
FRANK
Today of all days, Trinkett?
TRINKETT
It was an accident.
FRANK
Bullshit.
ELDIN
No, it’s true Frank. Trinkett has accidentally ingested a large amount of alien fungus.
FRANK
Really? She thought it was a bran muffin?
ELDIN
Well, no, she ingested them on purpose, it’s the hallucination that’s the accident.
JUNE
Trinkett, you ate alien mushrooms and didn’t think it was going to make you hallucinate?
TRINKETT
Mistakes were made. I’ll be the first to admit it, but I think I’m really onto something here.
FRANK
Whatever. Eldin, please make sure Trinkett is inside when hellfire starts raining from the sky.
ELDIN
Will do.
TRINKETT
Everyone quiet, something is happening.
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF SEVERAL PEOPLE MAKING THEIR WAY THROUGH THE WOODS.
TRINKETT (CONT’D)
Eldin, do you hear something?
ELDIN
Of course I don’t hear something, I’m not hallucinating.
TRINKETT
People are coming.
THE FOOTSTEPS THROUGH THE WOODS COME TO AN HALT.
TRINKETT (CONT’D)
There’s a large group of people and they’re all looking at something. I’m going to get a closer look.
TRINKETT MOVES THROUGH THE WOODS.
TRINKETT (CONT’D)
... Okay there’s a group of... They look like soldiers.
ELDIN
Like the soldiers from the army base?
TRINKETT
No no, they’re wearing armor. They’re all Asian, they have bows and arrows and swords.
ELDIN
Interesting. Try describing their armor.
TRINKETT
Okay it... it looks like a bunch of squares sewn together.
ELDIN
That would be lamellar armor, making them probably Chinese about 2nd century BCE.
TRINKETT
Wait, I can still see the mountain in the background. I’m still on Mt. Hood.
ELDIN
You’re seeing 2nd century BCE Chinese Soldiers on Mt. Hood?
TRINKETT
Yes.
ELDIN
I think you’re basing this hallucination on the tablet that was found in the glade of wishes, the one with the Chinese writing on it. Xu Fu was the man who allegedly wrote it, he was from that time period.
TRINKETT
Okay but why am I seeing this?
ELDIN
You’re seeing this because you’re hallucinating, Trinkett.
TRINKETT
Hello?... They can’t see me.
ELDIN
They can’t see you because they’re not really there. You’re hallucinating.
TRINKETT
They’re all looking at something... It’s... they all stopped in front of something. They’re all looking at some sort of structure, some sort of metallic structure. It’s very big... Eldin, where am I standing right now?
ELDIN
You’re standing in the town square.
TRINKETT
And what am I facing?
ELDIN
You’re facing the Sheep’s Eye.
TRINKETT
Okay... I think I’m in the past, on Mt Hood.
ELDIN
That doesn’t make any sense at all, but then again you are hallucinating.
TRINKETT
Would you stop saying that, you’re worse than Frank.
ELDIN
How dare you.
THE MEN IN TRINKETT’S HALLUCINATION DISAPPEAR.
TRINKETT Oh!
ELDIN
Trinkett?
TRINKETT
... They’re gone... I’m alone again.
FRANK
Any idea how we’re going to pull her out of this?
ELDIN
It’s not like she’s gone very far, she’s just standing in the town square like an idiot. If things get dangerous, someone come scoop her up.
FRANK
Fine.
STEVE
If any of y’all would like an update I’m halfway through the window of the church right now.
FRANK
Great work, Steve.
TRINKETT
Celeste? Celeste are you listening right now?
CELESTE
Hello, Trinkett. It’s very busy on my side of the mountain, but your little magical mystery tour has been a wonderful distraction.
TRINKETT
Celeste, why is your base on this mountain?
CELESTE
That’s classified.
STEVE
Oh, come on!
JUNE
Booo, Celeste!
STEVE
You’re already getting court martialed, just tell us!
JUNE
Don’t ruin the apocalypse!
CELESTE
There is a particular signal that comes from this area. It’s a very strange signal, we don’t know the origin, and it’s our job to monitor it. That’s all.
JUNE
... Kinda boring.
CELESTE
Well, that’s my job.
WE BEGIN TO HEAR A SINGLE PERSON COMING THROUGH THE WOODS.
TRINKETT
Okay, shh. Someone’s coming.
CELESTE
Is she afraid her hallucinations are going to hear us?
TRINKETT
Okay, this is a different guy. White guy. He looks like he’s from the pioneer days. He’s got one of those old rifles and a horn with gunpowder in it... wait I recognize him... Deidre, are you there?
DEIDRE
Hey.
TRINKETT
That painting above the fireplace in the Sheep’s Eye, who is that a painting of?
DEIDRE
That is Macon Peppercorns, he’s the founder of Hood’s Pocket.
TRINKETT
That’s who I’m looking at right now.
DEIDRE
Really?
ELDIN
And I think we know where this hallucination is coming from.
TRINKETT
Okay, the structure is still there. He’s looking at the structure too. Right where the Sheep’s Eye is supposed to be.
ELDIN
Tell me more about this structure you keep seeing.
TRINKETT
It’s kind of hard to tell, it’s overgrown by trees now. It’s shiny and metallic. I don’t see any rust on it. It’s a couple of stories tall, I think... Deidre, tell me more about this guy.
DEIDRE
Um, I don’t know much about Macon Peppercorns. He was a pretty mysterious guy.
TRINKETT
He was the founder of Hood’s Pocket?
DEIDRE
Yeah, but he used to say this weird thing to my grandpa. Apparently he used to say “Teddy, I didn’t found Hood’s Pocket... I found it.” Whatever that means.
TRINKETT
Eldin, tell me again what that tablet said. The one we found in the glade of wishes.
ELDIN
“I will finally return from the mountain, though I have changed as much as the land around me. The mountain will be found again, the mountain will be lost again. Forever.”
TRINKETT
... Something’s going on here, Eldin.
ELDIN
... You may be right.
STEVE
And I am inside the church, baby!
ELDIN
Proximity alert!
TRINKETT
What?
A FRAGMENT OF THE WAYFARING STRANGER COMES SCREAMING OUT OF THE SKY AND STRIKES THE CHURCH. TRINKETT IS KNOCKED TO THE GROUND. FOR A MOMENT ALL WE HEAR IS THE RINGING IN TRINKETT’S EARS. ELDIN’S VOICE SLOWLY FADES IN.
ELDIN
Trinkett? Trinkett, are you alright? You were knocked down by the blast but your vital signs are nominal. Can you hear me?
TRINKETT
What happened?
DOUG
Guys?! Guys, we just had a strike at the church. Is Steve still in there?
DEIDRE RUNS UP TO TRINKETT.
DEIDRE
Trinkett, are you okay?
TRINKETT
What’s happening?
DEIDRE
It’s started. A meteor just hit the church. It’s on fire.
TRINKETT
Oh fuck, is Steve in there?
DEIDRE
We don’t know, come on.
THEY RUN TOWARD THE CHURCH. WE CAN HEAR IT BEING ENGULFED IN FLAMES.
JUNE
Steve?! Steve are you in there?! Steve, come on?!
FRANK
It’s going up like it’s made of fucking matches! We need to get in there, where are the keys?!
DOUG
(In Frank’s phone)
Oh my God, I have the keys all the way up here!
FRANK
Fuck!
ELDIN
Frank! Steve has vital signs, he’s unconscious. He has approximately 90 seconds until succumbs to smoke inhalation. He is in the northwest corner of the building.
FRANK
All the doors are locked.
DEIDRE
Anyone who goes in there could die too, what do we do?!
FRANK
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, this is just fucking great.
JUNE
Frank?
FRANK
Hold my phone.
JUNE
What? Why?
FRANK
Just do it.
JUNE
Why- oh. Ohhhhhhh. It’s happening, isn’t it?
FRANK
Yeah.
JUNE
Look at you, running into the phone booth, doing a quick change.
FRANK
Shut up.
JUNE
I can hear the theme music.
FRANK
Shut up.
DEIDRE
What are you two talking about?!
DOUG
Guys, what’s happening?
FRANK
Everybody move!
FRANK KICKS DOWN THE DOOR OF THE CHURCH AND RUNS INTO THE FLAMING BUILDING.
DEIDRE
Oh my God!
JUNE
He’s fine.
DEIDRE
What?!
JUNE
Don’t worry, Deidre.
DEIDRE
Don’t worry?!
ELDIN
This is an exciting field test, actually. I’m recording everything.
FRANK
I’ve got him!
FRANK EMERGES FROM THE FLAMING CHURCH CARRYING STEVE.
JUNE
Look at that, wreathed in flame, cover of issue #1.
FRANK
Jesus Christ, June. Eldin, how’s he looking?
ELDIN
He’s fine. He was knocked unconscious by the blast but he’s fine.
STEVE
...Frank? Frank you saved me.
FRANK
Please don’t be in my debt.
ELDIN
Uh, Frank. You are on fire.
FRANK
What? Oh. June can you?
JUNE
Yeah, I’ve got you.
JUNE STARTS PATTING OUT THE FLAMES ON FRANK.
FRANK
Goddamn it, this was my favorite shirt.
JUNE
Steve, you owe Frank a shirt.
DEIDRE
What just happened?
DOUG
What’s happening, is everyone okay?
FRANK
Yeah, we’re okay Doug. Our supplies are going up in flames, though.
DOUG
I knew we should’ve stored it in more than one place, that’s my bad.
FRANK
I don’t think there’s going to be a safe place, Doug.
DOUG
You’ve got another coming in!
ELDIN
Everybody down!
ANOTHER METEOR STRIKES NEARBY.
TRINKETT
Everyone, listen. We need to get inside the Sheep’s Eye.
FRANK
The Sheep’s Eye isn’t going to protect us from anything.
TRINKETT
Frank. Trust me. I’ve had a vision.
FRANK
You really think that’s going to convince me?
TRINKETT
We could argue about it here in the town square or you could just listen to me for once in your life!
FRANK
Fine! Everybody into the Sheep’s Eye, let’s go!
STEVE
That was crazy. I almost got killed by space, y’all.
THEY ALL DUCK INSIDE THE SHEEP’S EYE.
FRANK
We shouldn’t stay here long, we’d be better off in a stone building.
TRINKETT
Deidre, do you still have that tool box behind the bar?
DEIDRE
Yeah, why?
TRINKETT
Hang on.
WE HEAR TRINKETT RIFLING THROUGH A TOOL BOX.
JUNE
Sure, Trinkett, this is a great time for some light carpentry.
TRINKETT
Here we go. Frank, take this.
FRANK
Why are you giving me a hammer?
TRINKETT
I need you to tear a hole in the wall.
FRANK
Why?
TRINKETT
Just do it.
FRANK
Trinkett-
ELDIN
Frank, I think you should do it.
FRANK
Why?
ELDIN
... Frank, I don’t believe this is a bar.
FRANK
Excuse me?
DEIDRE
Excuse me?
ELDIN
Frank. Tear a hole in the wall, please.
FRANK
... Fine.
FRANK TEARS INTO THE WOOD PANELING OF THE WALL WITH THE CLAW OF THE HAMMER.
DOUG
Oh shit, it’s really starting to come down now, guys. These things are hitting everywhere. Jesus.
FRANK IS DONE TEARING INTO THE WALL. THEY ALL STAND THERE IN DISBELIEF.
ELDIN
What in the world?
FRANK
What the fuck is that?
ELDIN
One moment please... It appears to be Arvium. It’s the most resilient metallic compound ever created. Pan me around the room please, Trinkett... The wood of this building is just a facade. We’re completely encased in an incredibly hard metal.
DEIDRE
“It’s got really great bones.”
FRANK
Why?
ELDIN
We’ll have to figure that out later. Right now we are in a meteor proof building. We need to get as many people inside this building as possible.
FRANK
Trinkett, what the fuck happened to you?
TRINKETT
I guess I’m just that good, baby.
FRANK
Deidre, get on the phone.
JUNE
Guys.
FRANK
Steve, you too.
STEVE
Okay, I’m on it.
FRANK
Doug, are you hearing all this, you need to get down here.
DOUG
I don’t know, Frank. It’s going to take me a while to get down there.
FRANK
You’re a sitting duck up there, Doug.
JUNE
Guys.
DOUG
Yeah, but moving might be worse. Besides...
FRANK
What?
DOUG
I spent my life being afraid of stuff like this. I think I need to look it in the eye.
FRANK
Shit. Okay, stay safe, Doug.
JUNE
Guys!
FRANK
What?
JUNE
Where’s Verge?
FRANK
... Deidre?
DEIDRE
... It’s okay... I asked them to leave... I wanted them to be safe, so I asked them to leave... I didn’t think they’d listen.
TRINKETT
... Frank?
FRANK
What?
TRINKETT
Something’s wrong at the military base.
FRANK
What?
TRINKETT
I don’t know.
FRANK
How do you know?
TRINKETT
I don’t know.
FRANK
Celeste?... Celeste are you there?... Celeste?
CELESTE
(In Frank’s phone.)
I’m here.
FRANK
What’s going on?
CELESTE
We’ve just been hit multiple times. It’s very bad.
FRANK
How bad?
CELESTE
I have to evacuate the base, they’re loading up the vehicles right now.
FRANK
Can you make it to the Sheep’s Eye?
CELESTE
We can try.
FRANK
Okay, believe it or not, we’re apparently safe here. I’ll explain later.
CELESTE
We’re on the move.
FRANK
Doug, how are things looking up there?
DOUG
Not great. Looks like we’ve got three houses on fire. A lot of people are getting the message though, there’s a lot of people heading your way, some on foot, some in their cars. It’s going to get crowded in there.
JUNE
Deidre. What happened?
DEIDRE
... They were staying here for me... It felt terrible... It’s okay... It’s like a part of me escaped.
THE DOOR OPENS TO THE SHEEP’S EYE AND PEOPLE BEGIN TO POUR IN.
FRANK
Alright, everybody, if you’re injured have a seat, otherwise it’s going to be standing room only in here really quick. Eldin, what happened to Verge?
ELDIN
As I think Trinkett would say, Verge is on a path. We need to respect that.
WE MOVE TO THE GLADE OF WISHES. DEBRIS FROM THE WAYFARING STRANGER CAN BE HEARD HITTING THE EARTH FAR OFF. VERGE WALKS THROUGH THE GLADE.
VERGE
... I hear this glade is where people come to talk to the Gods... I’d talk to my own Gods, but they’re all dead... I guess you’ll have to do, whoever you are... I’ve been running all my life... so long it doesn’t feel like running anymore.
In my life I’ve spent more time inside a steel box floating in a void than I have with my feet on the ground... I’ve been doing it so long that standing on solid ground started to feel strange to me. It started to feel unnatural... The things we become to survive... My people were scientists, apparently... They were brilliant and beautiful, maybe a little arrogant... But I had to be this. Carry a gun around, fight for my life, travel light, no attachments... The unnatural became second nature... It’s the most unnatural thing in the world, loneliness... But I adapted. I survived... Vapus Vella... “Vapus Lives.” If I live, then, somehow, my people still live. That’s been the rule... Is this living? Is this being alive? It’s more than just breathing in and out... It has to be... What a fucking tragedy if living is just breathing in and out... I can’t do this anymore... Staying alive is fucking killing me.
A METEOR STRIKES NEARBY. THERE IS AN EXPLOSION AND VERGE IS THROWN OFF THEIR FEET.
VERGE (CONT’D)
Fuck!... You missed... You missed AGAIN!... I’m still here... I’m still here... but it’s not enough. It’s not enough to just be alive anymore. It’s not worth the price... So, you weird old Gods of this planet, you’re going to have to make me a better deal... I’ve played my part all this time and I’ve played it well... It’s time... It’s time for it to end... I would like... I would like to go home now, please... Please... Can I go home?
THE METEOR STRIKES IN THE DISTANCE SUDDENLY GO SILENT.
VERGE (CONT’D)
What the fuck?
THE SKY ABOVE THE MOUNTAIN BEGINS TO BEND AND CRACK AND MAKE A STRANGE OTHERWORLDLY SOUND.
VERGE (CONT’D) Holy shit.
WE MOVE TO THE SHEEP’S EYE. THE PLACE IS PACKED FULL OF THE TOWNSPEOPLE NOW.
FRANK
Alright everybody, try and stay calm. I know it’s a tight squeeze in here but this is the safest place to be right now, okay?
TRINKETT
Frank.
FRANK
Yeah, what is it?
TRINKETT
Something... something is happening.
DEIDRE
Frank, I think the meteors have stopped.
FRANK
Doug? Doug are you still up there, pal? Are we in the clear?... Doug?...
DOUG
(In Frank’s phone.)
... Uhh... Frank you may want to come outside...
FRANK
What’s happening?
DOUG
... The Mountain... It’s moving.
FRANK
What?
FRANK THROWS OPEN THE FRONT DOOR OF THE SHEEP’S EYE. THE NIGHT SKY ABOVE APPEARS TO BE RUSHING PAST AND MAKING A DEEP, GHOSTLY SOUND. FAR OFF WE HEAR THE SOUND OF THE MUNGO.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Doug, what the fuck am I looking at?
DOUG
It’s like... there’s a cutoff... it’s like... the entire mountain is like an island now but it’s... it’s moving through something very fast, it’s traveling somewhere.
FRANK
Eldin?
ELDIN
I have no fucking idea. There’s spatial distortion to be sure but there’s so much more than that. Whatever we’re experiencing it’s never been documented.
TRINKETT
It’s happened before, though. This has all happened before.
STEVE
Holy Shit y’all. I’ve got vertigo.
VERGE
Deidre.
DEIDRE
... Verge?
VERGE
...
DEIDRE
... You stayed.
VERGE
... I live here.
DEIDRE
What’s happening?
VERGE
... I made a wish.
DEIDRE
What?
VERGE
I don’t know.
DEIDRE
... Give me your hand.
VERGE
Okay.
DEIDRE
Don’t let go.
VERGE
I won’t.
SEVERAL JEEPS AND TRUCKS PULL INTO THE TOWN SQUARE. CELESTE GETS OUT OF ONE OF THE JEEPS.
CELESTE
Frank?
FRANK
Sarge.
CELESTE
So, what the fuck is this, Frank?
FRANK
Your guess is as good as mine.
STEVE
Nice to not have meteors raining down on us at least.
CELESTE
What does the little box say?
ELDIN
This little box has no idea what’s happening. There’s spatial distortion and a very complicated energy signature but... I have no record of something like this.
STEVE
Y’all, have we died? Are headed for the other side?
TRINKETT
I don’t think so, Steve.
FRANK
Doug, what’s the cutoff? How much of... how much of planet Earth is still here?
DOUG
(In Frank’s phone.)
It’s hard to say. I think the land cuts off at Ramona Falls, then after that is just... whatever this is.
CELESTE
Well, my training is out the window at this point, anybody got any ideas?
STEVE
Trinkett seems to know everything these days.
TRINKETT
I mean, I know things but I don’t know things.
FRANK
Hey, June.
JUNE
Yeah.
FRANK
... What’s happening?
JUNE
It’s pretty clear to me, guys... It’s a Stargate.
CELESTE
A Stargate?
STEVE
Oh shit, Stargate’s my jam.
JUNE
Richard Dean Anderson, 1997-2007.
FRANK
What does that mean?
JUNE
It means we’re heading for a new destination. Sarge, go on high alert of you see any Egyptian stuff.
CELESTE
Egyptian stuff?
DOUG
I have it on Blu-Ray if anyone’s interested.
FRANK
Sounds like that’s settled. Stargate. Whatever that means.
TRINKETT
We’re on our way.
VERGE
Hey... Anybody need a drink?
CELESTE
Several.
FRANK
Absolutely.
STEVE
Like I’ve never needed one before.
DEIDRE
Okay... well I guess I better open up the bar.
FRANK
Doug, come on down.
DOUG
On my way.
CELESTE
What is Stargate?
JUNE
Well, Sarge, I’d say you’re going to love it, but... you’re about to live it.
THE DOOR TO THE SHEEP’S EYE CLOSES WITH EVERYONE INSIDE. FOR A MOMENT, WE LISTEN TO THE SOUND OF THE MOUNTAIN TRAVELING THROUGH THE MULTIVERSE.
POST CREDITS SCENE.
MUSIC IS PLAYING IN THE OFFICE OF THE HORIZON. OUTSIDE WE CAN HEAR JUNE LAUGHING WITH A GROUP OF TRUSKANS. THE DOOR OPENS.
JUNE
(Laughing)
Greeg, you shut your mouth, you walking refrigerator. You’re the worst. Don’t they teach you any manners on your planet?
THE DOOR SHUTS.
JUNE
These Truskans are a hoot. Have you hung out with these guys?
FRANK
I had a three hour conversation with them yesterday about appropriate iron manipulation techniques.
JUNE
But you secretly loved it right?
FRANK
What do you mean, “secretly”?
JUNE
I’m going to take them to see Tavrok tomorrow, they’re going to love his anvil.
FRANK
Wonderful.
JUNE
... We’re settling in pretty nicely to this new gig, aren’t we?
FRANK
Never a dull moment.
JUNE
... Oh shit. I forgot to tell you.
FRANK
What?
JUNE
There’s somebody unconscious in the parking lot again.
FRANK
... What?
JUNE
Yeah. Don’t worry, it’s not her.
FRANK
... Well, who is it?
JUNE
I don’t know, some guy.
FRANK
And you just left him there?
JUNE
I’m on a break, Frank.
FRANK
Jesus Christ, June.
FRANK AND JUNE WALK OUT INTO THE PARKING LOT AND STOP AT THE UNCONSCIOUS MAN.
FRANK
Okay... well shit. Hello?
JUNE
Hey buddy, are you awake?
FRANK
Hello?
JUNE
Let’s show him to Eldin.
FRANK
Fine.
THE DOOR OPENS TO VERGE’S ROOM. FRANK AND JUNE CARRY THE UNCONSCIOUS MAN INTO THE ROOM.
JUNE
Knock knock.
FRANK
Verge?
ELDIN
Verge is at Deidre’s, Frank. What’s happening?
FRANK
This guy was unconscious in the parking lot.
ELDIN
I see. Wonderful. Place him on the bed and put the nano-surgeon around his left arm. It’s over there on the table.
FRANK
Okay.
JUNE
I don’t think that’s going to work, Eldin.
ELDIN
Why?
JUNE
Look at this guy’s arm.
FRANK
Whoa.
ELDIN
I see... he appears to have a cybernetic left arm. Right foot as well, though I can’t pinpoint the manufacturer. Put the surgeon on his right arm, then.
FRANK
Okay... wait a minute. We know this guy.
JUNE
We do?
ELDIN
June, point your camera at his face, please.
JUNE
Okay.
FRANK
What was his name? Larry?
JUNE
Laird?
ELDIN
... Leif.
JUNE
That’s it.
ELDIN
... I need you both to go to Deidre’s house, please. Bring Verge here, tell them it’s urgent.
FRANK
What’s wrong?
ELDIN
I’m sure everything’s fine, but tell them it’s urgent anyway.
FRANK
Okay... Okay, c’mon June, let’s go.
JUNE
What’s he doing here?
ELDIN
I’m unsure.
FRANK
Let’s go.
THE DOOR CLOSES. AFTER A MOMENT LEIF WAKES UP WITH A START.
LEIF
Hello?
ELDIN
Hello, Leif.
LEIF
... Eldin?
ELDIN
Long time, no see.
LEIF
Where am I?
ELDIN
You’re at the Horizon Motel.
LEIF
I am?
ELDIN
Yes.
LEIF
What the fuck am I doing here?
ELDIN
I have no idea.
LEIF
What are you doing here?
ELDIN
You told us to come here.
LEIF
Us?... Verge got my message?
ELDIN
They did.
LEIF
That actually worked?
ELDIN
It did.
LEIF
... Holy shit... Okay, I don’t have time for that right now, listen... Krok the Propigator, do you know who I’m talking about?
ELDIN
Of course I know who you’re talking about, what does an obscure historical figure have to do with you showing up in the parking lot?
LEIF
Look, this is going to sound crazy but...
ELDIN
Leif?
LEIF
What happened to my arm?
ELDIN
Why are you asking me that?
LEIF
Eldin what the fuck happened to my arm?!
ELDIN
It’s obviously been replaced by a cybernetic.
LEIF
But that’s... I didn’t do this.
ELDIN
What the fuck are you talking about?
LEIF
I don’t remember this.
ELDIN
Hold still, please... How much time have you lost?
LEIF
How would I know?!
ELDIN
Leif, you have the most acute case of Gate Shock I’ve ever seen, that accounts for the memory loss. Any second now you’re going to start 24 hours of crippling nausea.
LEIF
That’s ridiculous, I haven’t had gate shock in... Oh God.
ELDIN
There it is.
LEIF
Oh shit.
LEIF TAKES OFF RUNNING FOR THE BATHROOM AND VOMITS. LEIF CALLS FROM THE BATHROOM.
LEIF
Eldin! I have to get back to the diner!
LEIF VOMITS AGAIN.
ELDIN
This fucking guy.
THE END?