Part 10: Phoenix
MORNING AT THE SHEEP’S EYE. JUNE AND FRANK WAIT FOR THE DOORS TO OPEN.
FRANK
... Look, I’m sure that Eldin can give you the full rundown of all this, but that’s the gist of what he told me... I am... I don’t know what I am but... apparently I am still me. It’s still Frank in here, I didn’t really understand his explanation for it, something about quantum physics and some sort of emerging theory about consciousness being, I don’t know, mobile or something... Clementine needed a body to put me in and she just kind of “winged it.”... I still breathe in and out but according to Eldin I don’t- Jesus Christ this sounds so ridiculous- I don’t have lungs. Eldin says that it doesn’t have to be about needing air it can be about maintaining a consistent temperature or sampling the atmosphere or something... But anyway, there I was at the bottom of the cliff, not a scratch on me. I don’t sleep anymore, I still eat and drink but I don’t know if I’m doing that out of force of habit... And of course Trinkett has her theories, too, but I cannot tell you how much I don’t want to talk about those... So there... that’s the whole story...
JUNE
...
FRANK
... You say something now.
JUNE
... Swamp Thing.
FRANK
... What?
JUNE
... You’re Swamp Thing.
FRANK
... June.
JUNE
Brilliant scientist Alec Holland is thrown into the swamp after a freak accident. His consciousness merges with the swamp and he is reborn as... The Swamp Thing.
FRANK
I was really feeling bad not telling you this. Not feeling bad anymore.
JUNE
Don’t act like you’re not Swamp Thing.
FRANK
I’m not Swamp Thing, what are you talking about?
JUNE
Frankie, you were the only kid in America who liked that movie for reasons other than Adrienne Barbeau.
FRANK
This was fun. This was a good talk.
JUNE
You even liked the sequel.
FRANK
No, I didn’t.
JUNE
You thought comics were for nerds, but what did you keep under your bed? Your Swamp Thing collection.
FRANK
It wasn’t a collection.
JUNE
There was supposed to be porn under there, Frank.
FRANK
Did it occur to you that I might need some help right now? That I might need some support? Instead I get Swamp Thing.
JUNE
Frank. Relax. What did I tell you? When the weird shit starts happening, it’s all the sci-fi and comic book girlies who are going to be ready and should be listened to. Why are you not listening to me?
FRANK
I am listening to you and what you’re saying sounds ridiculous.
JUNE
Frank. Calm down. I’ve got a whole theory. I’m about to blow your mind.
FRANK
... Okay. Blow my mind.
JUNE
Come with me on this journey: Clementine, in her dumbness, smashes your body apart like a Dollar Store piñata. But you, like a looney tunes character who has just been shot by Elmer Fudd, still stand there as a ghost. Is it so ridiculous to think that in the brief seconds right before you were put into this new body, that you somehow, deep down, had a bit of a say in what that body would be?
FRANK
...
JUNE
I mean, why not? It’s your body.
FRANK
You’re saying I did this to myself?
JUNE
I’m saying, I’m glad you weren’t obsessed with Batman as a kid. You would’ve been transformed into a psychotic rich guy.
FRANK
We can stop talking about it now.
JUNE
Hey, Alec Holland had to burn alive in a freak accident to become Swamp Thing– at least you didn’t have to do that.
FRANK
I’m not Swamp Thing.
AN ARMY JEEP APPROACHES.
FRANK (CONT’D)
And it wasn’t a freak accident, his lab was fire-bombed by The Conclave.
JUNE
Ah-HA!
CELESTE GETS OUT OF THE JEEP.
CELESTE
Morning.
JUNE
Sergeant Slaughter.
CELESTE
June, Please. It’s Sergeant Major Slaughter.
JUNE
Look at the new Celeste, she’s got jokes.
FRANK
Everyone’s waiting inside.
CELESTE
Just a small group?
FRANK
It’s just me, June, Deidre, Trinkett, and Doug. I thought about asking TJ but nobody ever knows where the hell he is.
CELESTE
Okay. Thank you for not inviting Steve.
JUNE
He’s going to show up anyway, he always shows up.
CELESTE
Well, let’s get a move on, then.
JUNE
What’s this about, Celeste?
CELESTE
You’ll see.
THEY WALK INSIDE THE SHEEP’S EYE.
CELESTE (CONT’D)
Good morning, everyone.
DEIDRE
Hey guys. I made muffins.
JUNE
God bless you, Deidre.
DEIDRE
Coffee’s over there.
DOUG
What’s this about, guys?
JUNE
Doug you have been invited to a secret meeting.
DOUG
Really?
JUNE
Oh, yes.
DOUG
Wow. Thanks, guys. I’ve never been part of a secret society before.
FRANK
It’s not a secret society.
JUNE
Yes, it is. We need robes and a weird handshake.
TRINKETT
I’ve definitely got robes.
FRANK
Guys, Celeste asked for this meeting. She told me to choose a handful of people and I chose all of you.
JUNE
Point of order, Mr. Chairman.
FRANK
I’m not the chairman.
JUNE
I think all of us are still waiting for an apology.
FRANK
From who?
CELESTE
From me. June, I’m not going to apologize for following orders.
JUNE
Fine. Please tell the joint chiefs to send a letter of apology to my offices.
CELESTE
No.
DEIDRE
What’s this about, Celeste?
FRANK
It’s about the comet... June, Trinkett, and I have been talking about this for a while, and assuming the rumor mill is still going strong in this town, I’m sure you’ve all heard about it too. Trinkett?
TRINKETT
I have a friend who works at an observatory in Chile who thinks that there is a very-hard-to-detect comet heading to the vicinity of Earth. I believe the last time this comet visited earth, it was a harbinger of change. This was around the end of the last ice age.
CELESTE
Then, a few weeks ago my base received a “hurry up and wait” order. This is the type of order that we get when we’re getting ready for something big, but we don’t know what.
FRANK
Then a few days ago, Trinkett hears that the observatory she’s been talking to has been seized by the Chilean government.
TRINKETT
Which they would do if they needed to control the information coming out of that observatory.
CELESTE
Which brings us to today, and why I asked Frank to bring you all here... Last night, a protocol was instituted across all US bases in all theaters. Every single one around the world. The protocol is called “Cannonball.” It’s a protocol instituted to prepare for a possible impact with Earth by an extra-terrestrial body.
TRINKETT ...
FRANK
...
JUNE
...
THE DOOR TO THE SHEEP’S EYE OPENS AND STEVE WALKS IN.
STEVE
Morning, y’all. Looks like the rain’s about to start— here comes Fall. I gotta get the heat fixed in my place, me and Rambo are going to freeze.
STEVE POURS HIMSELF SOME COFFEE.
STEVE (CONT’D)
I knew this guy once, Kyle. He thought he was hilarious because he said he was “Kyle from Detroit”, but he was from Detroit Lake, you know, over by Mt. Jefferson? Anyway, his heat was broken and he didn’t have any money to fix it. He said, “It’s fine, I’ll just wear my coat indoors.” So, winter comes and he gets drunk one night and passes out on his couch without his coat on. A few days later, they checked on him... frozen solid on his couch. Half a can of Blue Ribbon in his hand... Hey, muffins!
FRANK
Steve.
STEVE
Deidre, I didn’t know y’all were open this early.
DEIDRE
We’re not open.
FRANK
We’re in the middle of a meeting, Steve.
STEVE
A meeting about what?
FRANK
...
TRINKETT
Just tell him, Frank.
FRANK
It’s a... It’s a meeting about the comet.
STEVE
Goddamn, y’all. You’re having a comet meeting without me?
FRANK
Don’t say “comet meeting” like it’s a thing we have all the time.
STEVE
I see how it is. Weird old Steve shut out again.
JUNE
Steve, I’m sorry. You’re right, we should’ve called you.
STEVE
I live here too, y’all.
FRANK
A lot of people live here. They’re not here either.
STEVE
Oh, I get it. Y’all are the important ones, is that it?
FRANK
I mean...
STEVE
Frank over here thinking he’s the Superman of Hood’s Pocket.
JUNE
Swamp Thing, actually.
FRANK
June.
STEVE
You know, I don’t know what I have to do to be treated like a member of this community. What do I have to do?
FRANK
Be dependable in any way.
TRINKETT
Frank, stop it. Okay look, Steve, we’re really sorry. We haven’t been treating you like the valued member of the community you are. Can we all stop for a second and say some things that we value in Steve?
FRANK
Right now?
TRINKETT
I’ll start. Steve, you have really great instincts. You may not be aware of your path but it’s always leading you somewhere very interesting.
STEVE
Thank you.
FRANK
Moving on.
JUNE
I’ll go.
FRANK
Goddamn it.
JUNE
Steve, an inconvenient truth about Hood’s Pocket is that skiers like to stop here because the drugs are really cheap. That then brings a lot of other business to town, so I would just like to say thank you, Steve, for the cut-rate narcotics you provide.
STEVE
You’re welcome.
CELESTE
Can we move on please?
STEVE
Well, let me get comfortable...
TRINKETT
(To Doug.)
Hey. How are you doing? Are you doing okay?
DOUG
Uh... I’m actually doing fine.
TRINKETT
Okay. Okay, good.
STEVE
Somebody catch me up.
FRANK
There’s a comet heading for Earth.
STEVE
I knew that part.
FRANK
No, for real. The US military knows. They’re preparing for it right now. That’s what Celeste came here to tell us.
JUNE
Yeah, way to bring down the room, Celeste.
CELESTE
You’d prefer I not tell you?
JUNE
Kind of.
STEVE
Why is she bringing it to us? This is top secret stuff, aren’t you going to get court martialed?
CELESTE
If anyone finds out, yes.
DEIDRE
Why did you decide to tell us?
CELESTE
Because you’re my neighbors. And because... and because I object to it.
TRINKETT
You object to what?
CELESTE
Generals are pretty tight-lipped. That’s how you get to be a general. It all comes down to how good you are at keeping secrets and towing the line... But everyone else in the military, candidly, is a gossipy little shithead... You hear things. And there are parts of this protocol that I find... repugnant.
TRINKETT
What are they?
CELESTE
Right now, if you check airspace around the world you’re going to find several privately chartered aircraft heading to secret destinations... These planes are full of people who are being flown to shelters deep under the Earth.
JUNE
Who’s on the planes?
CELESTE
Who do you think is on the planes?
STEVE
... Goddamn Illuminati.
FRANK
Please tell me it’s the best and brightest of the human race?
STEVE
Illuminati.
CELESTE
It is not... This isn’t what I signed up for. We should be informing the public right now.
STEVE
Why don’t we? Let’s do it, I can go live on Instagram right now.
FRANK
So glad Steve is here now.
CELESTE
They would... they would do to you what I’ve been doing to you all for a long time. Make you look like you’re insane... There’s nothing we can do to get the word out about this, but I knew that I could come here and tell all of you. It’s not much but I thought it was important.
DOUG
How big?
CELESTE
How big what?
DOUG
Do they know how big the impact is going to be?
CELESTE
No.
TRINKETT
From what I learned from my friend, the comet isn’t going to hit Earth. But it may shed a lot of debris— and the debris could be pretty huge.
DOUG
Okay... Okay... If something hits the Earth about 500 feet wide, that can kill a city. 1000 feet, that will level a continent. Half a mile long? That’s about 6 million Hiroshima bombs— global cooling, crop failures, mass starvation. It’s also going to depend on what it’s made of. A comet will be ice, which actually helps us in this situation, if it were iron or some other metal we’d be in much more trouble.
FRANK
How do you know this, Doug?
DOUG
Lot of long nights thinking about how many ways the Earth can be destroyed, Frank.
FRANK
Fair point.
DOUG
I’m just saying, these things are survivable. Do we know how much time we have?
CELESTE
We don’t. The Department of Defense is working on it, but nothing so far.
DOUG
We should start getting ready.
FRANK
Get ready how? I doubt we have time to build an underground bunker.
DOUG
No, but we need supplies. Assuming we survive, supply chains are going to be shut down, there may be crop shortages, water shortages. Being up here on the mountain isn’t such a bad place to be, we’ll have fresh water from the snow pack, we’re out of the way of floods. HAM radio will be the way to go in terms of communication— I’ve got a pretty good set up back at the house, but we’ll have to see who else has got one. Really though, the name of the game is going to be pharmaceuticals and dry goods, if we can get a good stockpile of those things I think we may be able to ride this out until the lights come back on.
JUNE
... Three cheers for Doug’s paranoia, everybody.
CELESTE
We have supplies back at the base but it won’t be enough for the whole town.
DEIDRE
We don’t even know who’s in town anymore. People have been leaving in droves. We need a head count.
TRINKETT
And once we do, we need to have a town meeting. We may not be able to warn the whole world but we can at least tell everyone in town.
FRANK
Okay, guys, listen. For a while we’ve been able to say that all this could be a big misunderstanding or something. I don’t think we can do that anymore.
Because of a series of weird events, this minuscule town on a mountain knows a lot more than most of the people in the world. Am I still hoping that somehow this was all a big mistake? Sure. But I’m not just going to sit here and cross my fingers. I think the best thing for everyone’s anxiety is to have a job to do— something to focus on. So, right now, everybody head home and focus on your neighbors. Are your neighbors still around? If they are, don’t tell them some crazy story about comets and military bases and the illuminati, just tell them that there’s a meeting tonight at The Sheep’s Eye and it’s very important, Okay?
CELESTE
I’ll head back to base, and when there are any new developments, I will secretly let Frank know.
FRANK
We’re going to be okay, guys. Meeting adjourned.
STEVE
(To Doug.)
Hey. I’ve got an idea.
DOUG
O...kay.
STEVE
We should go talk to Eva Grimm.
DOUG
Mmmm, I don’t know, Steve.
STEVE
She’s not so bad.
DOUG
She’s pretty intense.
STEVE
I think she’d be a good one to talk to right now.
JUNE
What are you buttheads talking about?
STEVE
June, don’t you think we should pay a little visit to Eva Grimm?
JUNE
Oooo, our local paranoid survivalist.
STEVE
Yeah. I’m mean if we’re talking about stocking up for the meteor winter— right?
JUNE
Doesn’t she have landmines in her yard?
DOUG
That’s what I heard.
STEVE
That’s just a myth.
DOUG
She comes into the store every six months to refresh her batteries and it’s a terrifying five minutes.
JUNE
I hate that Steve is right about this— but Steve is right about this. We’ve got to go talk to off-the-grid-Grimm.
DOUG
How about sending her a letter?
STEVE
It’s fine, man. We’ll wave a white flag as we approach.
JUNE
I’m sure she fires a warning shot first.
DOUG
Oh, God.
TRINKETT
Hey, Celeste.
CELESTE
Trinkett.
TRINKETT
I feel like this was a difficult decision for you. I appreciate you trusting us.
CELESTE
Desperate times, desperate measures.
TRINKETT
How are your migraines?
CELESTE
Oh... they’re uh... pretty bad.
TRINKETT
We were doing pretty well with those, maybe you should come back into the shop?
CELESTE
That would... that would be very helpful, thank you.
TRINKETT
Okay. Do me a favor, though. When you come back in, could bring me a gas mask?
CELESTE
I’m sorry?
LATER, IN VERGE’S ROOM.
VERGE
... Where is everybody?
ELDIN
There was some sort of meeting at the Sheep’s Eye.
VERGE
Anything important?
ELDIN
No, not really.
VERGE
... I’m getting that “It’s too quiet.” Feeling.
ELDIN
Are you?
VERGE
Anything going on out there?
ELDIN
I just told you, there was a meeting at the Sheep’s Eye.
VERGE
Not out there, out there.
ELDIN
Nothing too alarming. Moon City appears to be getting an encoded message.
VERGE
That’s weird. Why?
ELDIN
I don’t know, it’s an encoded message.
VERGE
Who from?
ELDIN
The Ted homeworld.
VERGE
... I don’t like it.
ELDIN
Nor do I... could be nothing.
VERGE
Can you decode it?
ELDIN
Not from here, I’d need a direct connection.
VERGE
... Why would Moon City be getting an encoded message from the Ted homeworld?
ELDIN
I don’t know.
VERGE
They’re supposed to just sit there and broadcast Earth television to the rest of The Triad, aren’t they?
ELDIN
They are.
VERGE
... I don’t like it.
ELDIN
Nor do I.
THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
ELDIN (CONT’D)
Frank is here, by the way.
VERGE
Come in.
THE DOOR OPENS.
FRANK
Hello there.
VERGE
Good morning.
FRANK
Verge, we need to talk.
VERGE
Uh oh.
ELDIN
Sounds very serious, Frank.
FRANK
Yeah, Verge, there’s no easy way to say this but there’s a comet headed for Earth and we need to all start getting ready.
VERGE
A comet.
FRANK
Yes. I know we’ve talked about the possibility of this, but it’s happening. It’s real.
VERGE
Eldin, is there a comet headed for Earth?
ELDIN
There’s not.
FRANK
... What?
ELDIN
There is not a comet headed for Earth.
FRANK
Well... how do you know?
ELDIN
Seriously?
FRANK
The US military is preparing for total disaster and every powerful person on the planet is apparently headed for some sort of underground bunker. So yes, Eldin, seriously, how do you know?
ELDIN
Alright, get out your terrible phone... Look on your screen, That’s a real-time depiction of your solar system.
FRANK
Oh, that’s cool.
ELDIN
I’m going to zoom in now on your inner asteroid belt.... Do you see those three dots? That’s an anti-collision system. If an object is detected heading toward Earth, the system is activated. Rockets are deployed that attach themselves to the object in question and alter its course.
FRANK
How did it get there?
ELDIN
It was set up by the Ted Empire. They have a vested interest in the survival of your planet. As you can see, the system has not been activated.
VERGE
Frank, when you started worrying about a rock falling on you from space, did you think to maybe ask the person who comes from there?
FRANK
... Uh. Well... I suppose we haven’t worked “consulting our alien friend” into our workflow yet, have we?
VERGE
You have not. You have not done that.
FRANK
So you’re telling me there’s no comet heading for Earth?
ELDIN
There’s definitely a celestial body heading in the direction of Earth. I’ll put it on your map... see, there it is. Earth appears to be wrong about the trajectory.
FRANK
Why does everyone on Earth think it’s going to hit us?
ELDIN
Projecting the path of a celestial body is not quite in your skillset on Earth. I’ll give you an example. NOW on your map is an asteroid you refer to as Bennu. An Earth scientist will tell you that in your year 2175, Bennu has a 1 in 2700 chance of hitting Earth. But what I can tell you with the technology available to me is that Bennu will not hit the Earth in 2175.
VERGE
The technology is about 19 generations ahead of your own, Frank. I think you can take our word for it.
FRANK
... Fuck. We just had a whole meeting.
VERGE
I’m so sorry.
FRANK
Deidre made muffins.
VERGE
We apologize for telling you you’re not going to die.
FRANK
Now what do we do?
VERGE
I guess you need to tell people.
FRANK
Goddamn it.
ELDIN
They may be a bit hard to convince. Apologies in advance.
VERGE
You can do it.
FRANK
“Hey, by the way, our space friend says we’re idiots when it comes to space.”
VERGE
When it comes to a few things.
ELDIN
Do you have to tell them?
FRANK
What?
ELDIN
So they go around thinking the sky is going to fall for a while, big deal.
FRANK
That’s a terrible idea.
ELDIN
It may be the moment of self reflection that they need.
FRANK
How would you feel?
VERGE
I’d be pissed.
FRANK
Look, we’ve got to tell people at least. Believing us can come later.
VERGE
Sounds like fun.
FRANK
Jesus, who do I tell first?
VERGE
Please feel free and work this out in my doorway.
FRANK
Eldin, are you absolutely sure about this?
ELDIN
I’m incapable of lying, Frank.
FRANK
Is that true?
ELDIN
No, of course not, but I am telling the truth.
VERGE
Rejoice, Frank. You’re not going to be killed in a fiery maelstrom.
FRANK
At this particular moment, I’m a little disappointed. I have to go.
ELDIN
Godspeed.
FRANK SHUTS THE DOOR.
ELDIN (CONT’D)
Well, I feel like we’ve done our good deed for the day, how about you?
VERGE
...
ELDIN
Verge?
VERGE
...
ELDIN
What’s going on with your circulatory system right now?
VERGE
Why are the Teds sending an encoded message to Moon City?
ELDIN
Are you still thinking about that?
VERGE
Yes.
ELDIN
They send encoded messages all the time. Everyone does.
VERGE
Not to Moon City. It’s the sleepiest place in the Triad.
ELDIN
That’s true, but I still don’t think it’s anything to get worked up about.
VERGE
I’m not getting worked up.
ELDIN
Yes, you are.
VERGE
... You can’t decode the message from here?
ELDIN
I could, but we’d be detected. I’d have to be close enough to decode it directly.
VERGE
...
ELDIN
... Verge.
VERGE
What?
ELDIN
We’re not going to the moon.
VERGE
Just a quick trip.
ELDIN
No.
VERGE
Like we weren’t even gone.
ELDIN
No.
VERGE
It’ll be fine.
ELDIN
Verge, it is a miracle that our run-in with the science priests hasn’t attracted more attention. Why would you want to push your luck?
VERGE
Eldin, if the Teds are sniffing around, we should know about it, don’t you think? Get ahead of the problem.
ELDIN
... I suppose there’s some wisdom to that.
VERGE
We can do the moon and back in a few hours. Nobody’ll know.
ELDIN
Where’s this coming from?
VERGE
... Earth is convinced that it’s going to be destroyed by a comet when they’re not. Then the Teds, who are notorious for fucking with Earth, start sending an encoded massage to their nearest satellite?
ELDIN
Hm... I’ll start a flight plan.
VERGE
There we go.
ELDIN
Would you like to tell someone before we leave?
VERGE
No, they won’t even know we’re gone. Let’s go.
VERGE OPENS THE DOOR. DEIDRE IS THERE.
DEIDRE
Hey.
VERGE
... Hey.
DEIDRE
...
VERGE
...
DEIDRE
... The world is ending. We had a meeting about it. It was a weird meeting... And it was like my feet started walking without me and they took me here... And now I’m standing here... because the world is ending... And if the world is ending, then I want-
VERGE
Deidre, I get the sense that something really amazing is about to happen but I have to tell you... the world isn’t ending.
DEIDRE
... What?
VERGE
It’s not.
DEIDRE
But we just had a whole meeting about it.
VERGE
Eldin?
ELDIN
Yes. Hey. Hi, Deidre. Earth doesn’t have all the information. There’s a comet headed in this direction but it’s not passing close enough to Earth to cause any destruction.
DEIDRE
... You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.
ELDIN
No. Sorry. You’ll get a really wonderful view of it from the southern hemisphere but I’m afraid the Wayfaring Stranger is going to sail right past you.
DEIDRE
... Oh my God.
VERGE
Anyway, I interrupted you. You were saying?
DEIDRE
... I’m going to go get into my car, drive to the Columbia river, and walk in. Excuse me.
VERGE
Deidre.
DEIDRE
I have to go tell everyone.
VERGE
I already told Frank, I’m sure he’ll let everyone know.
DEIDRE
... I can’t take this shit anymore.
VERGE
... Hey... Want to see a spaceship?
DEIDRE
... What?
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF SHIP ENGINES WARMING UP. DEIDRE AND VERGE MAKE THEIR WAY INTO A CLEARING IN THE FOREST.
DEIDRE (CONT’D)
What’s that sound?
VERGE
That’s her.
DEIDRE
Where is it, I can only hear it.
VERGE
Eldin, let’s de-cloak.
ELDIN
De-cloaking.
VERGE’S SHIP SHIMMERS INTO BEING.
DEIDRE
... Oh my God.
VERGE
There she is.
DEIDRE
... Oh my God.
VERGE
It’s not really built to go interstellar but I had a friend make some changes. I have to travel light but it’s not a bad way to travel.
DEIDRE
...
VERGE
Are you okay?
DEIDRE
... I can’t believe what I’m seeing.
VERGE
Eldin, how do we look?
ELDIN
All systems nominal.
DEIDRE
It’s so shiny.
VERGE
It used to be a racing ship. The hull is supposed to give you an extra boost of speed when you come out of a gravity assist but I think that’s just space racer bullshit. I think they just like the look... What do you think?
DEIDRE
... It’s beautiful.
VERGE
Yeah.
DEIDRE
... What’s it called?
VERGE
Phoenix.
DEIDRE
... Can I touch it?
VERGE
Sure.
DEIDRE
... It feels so weird.
VERGE
The intertia-sink is warming up. It makes everything vibrate.
DEIDRE
... Are you going somewhere?
VERGE
I am, but I’ll be back in a few hours.
DEIDRE
Where are you going?
VERGE
The moon.
DEIDRE
The moon.
VERGE
Yes.
DEIDRE
You’re just going to go to the moon?
VERGE
Yeah.
DEIDRE
Why?
VERGE
Something I need to check.
DEIDRE
... You’re just going to the moon to check something.
VERGE
Yes.
DEIDRE
Do you have a storage space there or something?
VERGE
No... though now that you mention it.
ELDIN
Not a bad idea actually, nobody ever checks there.
VERGE
I’m going to hover about three feet off the surface of the moon and I’m just going to have a listen to some transmissions. Should be simple.
DEIDRE
...
VERGE
Want to come?
DEIDRE
... What?
VERGE
Do you want to come with me?
DEIDRE
... What?
VERGE
Deidre?
DEIDRE
I can’t just... I can’t just go to the moon.
VERGE
It’s a two seater.
DEIDRE
Verge.
VERGE
What?
DEIDRE
No.
VERGE
Okay.
DEIDRE
I can’t go to the moon.
VERGE
Okay.
DEIDRE
I’m not an astronaut.
VERGE
Neither am I.
DEIDRE
I can’t go to the moon.
VERGE
Okay.
DEIDRE
... What? I just climb in, and go to the moon?
VERGE
Yes.
DEIDRE
... It can’t be that easy.
VERGE
Why not?
DEIDRE
Because...
ELDIN
It’s a perfectly safe spacecraft, Deidre.
DEIDRE
And you just go to the moon whenever?
ELDIN
I feel like the core concept is not being communicated.
VERGE
Deidre. Right now you have a choice. You can be someone who’s been to the moon, or someone who hasn’t been to the moon. Which would you like to be?
ELDIN
... Weather’s lovely this time of year.
WE MOVE TO OUTSIDE EVA GRIMM’S HOUSE.
DOUG
That’s one, two, three, four, five signs saying “no trespassing.”
JUNE
It’s as if she’s trying to tell us something.
DOUG
Steve feels comfortable just walking up to the front door?
JUNE
Eva Grimm appears to be a member of Steve’s clientele.
DOUG
Oh.
JUNE
Painkillers.
DOUG
Ah.
JUNE
But you didn’t hear it from me.
DOUG
Okay... if she’s a survivalist who believes that society is on the brink of collapse, how did she plan on maintaining her painkiller habit after it collapses?
JUNE
I don’t know, Doug, but you should definitely ask her.
STEVE APPROACHES.
STEVE
Hey, y’all. She’s gone.
JUNE
Gone?
STEVE
Yeah.
JUNE
Maybe she’s asleep, or down in her bunker or something.
STEVE
She left a note.
JUNE
What’s it say?
STEVE
“Whoever you are, this is yours now. I suddenly don’t know why I did all this. I’m prepared to survive just about anything in here. But I’ve got a daughter in Coeur d'Alene who I haven’t spoken to in ten years... I don’t think I can survive that.
DOUG
Wow.
STEVE
Looks like she heard all the comet rumors.
JUNE
She just left us her survival compound?
STEVE
I guess so.
JUNE
Alright, let’s take a look. Hang on. We’re sure the landmines were just a rumor?
STEVE
Oh yeah. Just look out for bear traps.
JUNE
Great.
THEY WALK INSIDE EVA’S HOUSE.
DOUG
Whoa.
STEVE
Yeah, it’s pretty intense, right?
JUNE
I’ve never seen this many guns in one place.
DOUG
Or sacks of beans.
JUNE
Or protein powder.
DOUG
Or Gummi Bears?
STEVE
She got real weird with it, that’s for sure. But I guess this is all ours now.
JUNE
I guess so... guys?
DOUG
What?
JUNE
Just looking around here... Old Eva Grimm was obviously preparing for the worst. Can we make a pact that if society comes crumbling to the ground that we’ll... y’know, keep it mellow?
STEVE
What do you mean?
JUNE
I don’t know. I just don’t think I can do the post-apocalypse thing. I don’t want to have to wear an eyepatch and football gear and carry a sawed-off shotgun.
STEVE
Could I have an eyepatch?
JUNE
Sure, Steve.
DOUG
I know what you mean. Looking at this place... I could’ve been like this. I could’ve been one of those guys that fills his house with supplies. Blacks out the windows, waits for the end... I don’t want to be that guy.
JUNE
If I’m being honest, Doug. I totally thought you were headed in that direction. I thought it was two years tops until you were barricaded in your house.
STEVE
Me too, man. All that talk about snow plows. It wasn’t healthy.
JUNE
Not to sound like Steve, but that Ayahuasca trip really turned it around for you.
DOUG
Thanks guys. But as long as we’re making rules for the coming post-apocalypse... no fucking snow plows.
JUNE
Never.
STEVE
Hey, I was just thinking. Who was it said “the meek will inherit the Earth?”
JUNE
The Bible, I guess.
STEVE
Huh... Turns out, it’s us.
WE HEAR THE HUM OF VERGE’S SHIP. WE ARE IN ORBIT.
VERGE
These fucking satellites.
ELDIN
Yes, it’s quite a mess up here.
VERGE
What’s the plan?
ELDIN
I say, on the far side of the planet we hit a shallow orbit, burn hard, then the gravity assist should be enough. We probably won’t have to use the drive too much, should keep us fairly invisible.
VERGE
Sounds good... Deidre, how are you doing?
DEIDRE
...
VERGE
... Shit, did she pass out?
ELDIN
She’s fine.
VERGE
... Deidre?
DEIDRE
We just passed over every place I’ve ever been in my life... in twenty seconds.
VERGE
We’re going about seventeen thousand miles per hour right now.
DEIDRE
... I don’t feel a thing.
VERGE
I know...
DEIDRE
... Everything that’s ever happened in every history book... has happened right down there... it looks so small now... it’s beautiful.
VERGE
... There’s a lot of beautiful planets out there, but this one... this one’s not so bad. It grows on you.
DEIDRE
... Thank you for this, Verge.
VERGE
It’s my pleasure.
ELDIN
Burning in five seconds.
VERGE
You ready to go to the moon?
DEIDRE
... Let’s go to the fucking moon.
ELDIN
Here comes the juice.
THE THRUSTERS FIRE AS WE MOVE TO THE SHEEP’S EYE. FRANK IS ON THE PHONE POURING A BEER FROM THE TAP.
FRANK
You still there?
CELESTE
(On the phone.)
Oh, I’m still here.
FRANK
Okay, take your time.
CELESTE
... An extra-terrestrial?
FRANK
That’s correct.
CELESTE
...
FRANK
I know.
CELESTE
This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in my life.
FRANK
Oh, I know.
CELESTE
Your friend, the extra-terrestrial, has told you that the comet isn’t coming?
FRANK
Celeste, if it’s any help I don’t love the words coming out of my mouth either.
I feel like I’m in a fucking Micheal Bay movie. The problem is, there’s no non-stupid way of saying this. There’s been an alien in town for a few weeks now and... they have told me that the comet is not coming.
CELESTE
Lots of people out there think that aliens are talking to them, Frank.
FRANK
I am aware of these people.
CELESTE
These are not well people, Frank.
FRANK
I’m aware of that too.
CELESTE
So I’m just supposed to take your word for it?
FRANK
I’d love it if you did. Of course you could also ask yourself “How was Frank, a man who doesn’t own a computer, able to hack into my top secret military base? And who was the mysterious friend of Frank’s, who somehow subdued all my guards the other night?” You could spend some time on that.
CELESTE
... Okay, Frank, benefit of the doubt.
FRANK
Great.
CELESTE
What am I supposed to do with this information?
FRANK
Well, it’s not like you can do anything about it. I’m betting central command will show up with a butterfly net if you tell them, so I guess we just wait for the comet to pass us by and then they’ll eventually catch on.
CELESTE
... I’m deeply skeptical.
FRANK
And I respect that. I just figured, y’know, spirit of transparency and all that.
CELESTE
What are you telling people in town?
FRANK
Honestly, I’m not sure how much of a town we’ve got left. I’m thinking we’re down to a quarter of our population at this point. The Sheep’s Eye is basically self-serve now. I’ll wait for everyone to come back here and then I’ll tell them.
CELESTE
No offense, Frank, but I’m going to operate as if this is all still happening.
FRANK
You do you, Sarge.
CELESTE
Okay, well, this has been illuminating.
FRANK
Hasn’t it?
CELESTE
Goodbye, Frank- Oh, while I’ve got you, can you tell me why Trinkett needed a gas mask?
FRANK
A gas mask?
WE MOVE TO THE MOON. THE PHOENIX DESCENDS TO JUST ABOVE THE SURFACE.
DEIDRE
Oh my god...
ELDIN
Welcome to the moon.
DEIDRE
I can’t believe this is happening.
VERGE
Are we close enough?
ELDIN
This will do. I’ve got the signal. Decoding now.
DEIDRE
... It looks a lot... it looks a lot like Earth, is that weird?
VERGE
It used to be a part of Earth. A long time ago there was a collision that ripped them both apart. The moon was just a ring of dust for a while and then it became this.
DEIDRE
I can’t believe I’m here.
VERGE
... This is strange for me.
DEIDRE
What?
VERGE
I don’t know. I’ve spent half my life in a ship like this, traveling between one planet or another. I’ve gotten used to it. It’s strange to hear someone experience it for the first time.
DEIDRE
I can’t imagine ever getting used to this... I’ve looked up at this moon my whole life and... I’m here.
VERGE
Looks better from afar, I imagine.
DEIDRE
No, no, it’s beautiful... What was your moon like?
VERGE
Mine?
DEIDRE
From your planet?
VERGE
...
ELDIN
They had nine of them.
DEIDRE
Nine?
ELDIN
The Nine Eyes of Rakesh Guha, they called them. Rakesh Guha is the ancient god of the Vapians. As the story goes, Vapains were once two races of people, but one day when the eyes of Rakesh Guha aligned, they were merged into one people. Explaining the four appendages.
DEIDRE
... Do you not like talking about your planet?
VERGE
No, not really.
DEIDRE
I understand... I think you should, though. You should tell me about it... I want you to tell me everything.
VERGE
... Okay.
ELDIN
I’ve got it. There were three different levels of encryption and...
VERGE
What?
ELDIN
... I’ll put the data on your screen.
THE ENCRYPTED MESSAGE APPEARS ON VERGE’S HEADS-UP DISPLAY.
VERGE
... Holy shit.
DEIDRE
What?
VERGE
... Those motherfuckers.
DEIDRE
Verge.
VERGE
Eldin, hard burn for Earth right now.
ELDIN
They’ll see us.
VERGE
Doesn’t matter anymore.
THE THRUSTERS FIRE AND THE PHOENIX TAKES OFF.
DEIDRE
Verge, what’s happening?
VERGE
Deidre, we’re going to be going very fast, but then the inertial dampeners will kick in and it’s going to feel pretty strange okay?
DEIDRE
Verge, tell me what’s happening?
VERGE
You really want me to tell you everything?
DEIDRE
Yes.
VERGE
Okay. Let me start at the beginning. Hundreds of your years ago, a bunch of planets started getting a message of peace from a distant planet. In that message were instructions on how to build a warp gate to connect their two worlds. The message was from a planet called Ted. Building that gate was the worst decision any of those planets ever made...
AS THE PHOENIX BURNS THROUGH SPACE WE MOVE TO OUTSIDE CAMERON’S HOUSE. TRINKETT PUTS ON THE GAS MASK.
TRINKETT
As the Earth holds me. As the Sky sees me. As the Sun rises within me. I step out to greet the Day.
TRINKETT WALKS INTO CAMERON’S HOUSE. AS BEFORE, IT IS TEEMING WITH MUSHROOM LIFE.
TRINKETT (CONT’D)
When I first decided this was the path I wanted to take in life, I knew I was going to need a teacher. I met a man named Chris Janda, but he insisted I call him Sitting Squirrel. He was a pretty weird guy. I asked him once, what happened to all of us? How did all the other religions of the world explode, but all the practitioners faded into the background? How did one of the oldest traditions in the world get sent to the shadows so quickly?... He told me a story from Greek Mythology. Apollo was in love with a wood nymph named Daphne, but she wanted nothing to do with him. She had sworn a life of celibacy to the god Artemis. Apollo didn’t care, of course, and it all wound up with him chasing Daphne through the forest like a madman. Daphne knew she couldn’t outrun him— she had to do something. So she stood at the edge of a river and asked her father, a river god, to save her... The only way to save her was through transformation.
Her skin became bark, her hair turned to leaves, and her feet took root in the ground. She was transformed into a laurel tree. It was the only way to survive what was coming... Is that what you did, Cameron? You saw something coming that you couldn’t survive, so you transformed into this?... If so, thank you. I’m told the mushrooms here can heal people. If that’s true, then we may need them soon. So I am standing here with my basket in one hand and my mushroom knife in the other, and I’m going to try and figure out what you’ve made for us... If this is all a gift, I’ll be sure not to waste it. I promise.
WE MOVE TO THE SHEEP’S EYE. FRANK IS READING THE PAPER.
FRANK
(Singing.)
In the big rock candy mountain, you never change your socks-
ELDIN
(In Frank’s phone.)
Frank, are you there?
FRANK
Eldin, could you at least have the common decency to make the phone ring before you start talking through it.
ELDIN
Oh, for God’s sake.
FRANK’S PHONE VIBRATES.
ELDIN (CONT’D)
Happy?
FRANK
What is it, Eldin?
ELDIN
I have Verge for you.
VERGE
(In Frank’s phone.)
Frank, I don’t have a lot of time, so just listen. I was wrong. The comet is headed for Earth. It’s not going to be a direct hit but it’s going to be pretty bad. In a nutshell, the Ted Empire, AKA the bad guys, are trying to prevent a rebellion so they need a big distraction.
All eyes are always on Earth television— so, when a comet started heading for Earth, they deactivated the defense system they have around the planet, and made it look like the comet was going to miss. Now the entire system is going to watch while Earth gets raked over the coals, and the Teds can quietly quell the rebellion while nobody’s looking. We don’t have a lot of time, so, the town meeting you were going to have— keep it on the books. Deidre and I will be there soon and I’ll explain everything. Sorry about this, pal. My bad. See you soon.
VERGE HANGS UP. AFTER A MOMENT, FRANK FOLDS UP HIS NEWSPAPER, WALKS BEHIND THE BAR AND POURS A WHISKEY. HE PICKS UP HIS PHONE AND DIALS.
FRANK
... Hey, Celeste. So, funny story...
VERGE’S SHIP HAS LANDED IN THE FOREST AND IS POWERING DOWN. THE COCKPIT SLIDES OPEN.
VERGE
Every time I think these guys couldn’t be any more fucked up, they go and lower the bar about five fucking rungs. Amazing. Sorry I had to ruin your first time in space.
DEIDRE
So, it’s all really happening?
VERGE
Yes, Deidre. I’m sorry. I don’t want to believe it myself, but it’s really happening.
DEIDRE
Okay.
VERGE
We need to get to the Sheep’s Eye, I’m about to do something really ill advised-
DEIDRE
Stay in your seat.
VERGE
What?
DEIDRE
Stay in your seat.
VERGE
Why?
DEIDRE
Because I’m about to sit on top of you.
DEIDRE UNHOOKS HER SAFETY HARNESS AND CLIMBS OVER VERGE’S SEAT. SHE STRADDLES VERGE IN THE COCKPIT.
DEIDRE (CONT’D)
Hi.
VERGE
Hi. Deidre, the world’s ending.
DEIDRE
Exactly.
DEIDRE SLIDES THE COCKPIT SHUT. WE MOVE TO INSIDE THE SHEEP’S EYE. A CROWD OF WHAT’S LEFT OF THE TOWNSPEOPLE ARE ALL GATHERED.
FRANK
Hey, everyone. Thanks for being here, I know it’s a little scary to leave the house these days. We’re going to get started in just a minute— I’ve been told to wait.
JUNE
(From the crowd.)
Boo. Boo this man.
VERGE AND DEIDRE WALK IN THE DOOR.
DEIDRE
What are you going to do?
VERGE
Can you hold my jacket for me?
DEIDRE
Sure. Verge?
VERGE
I’ll be right back.
FRANK
Okay, Verge is here. You’ve probably seen Verge around town. They’d like to say a few things.
VERGE
Hi.
FRANK
Hey, what are you going to do?
VERGE
You may want to stand back.
VERGE PRESSES A BUTTON AND DEACTIVATES THEIR EARTHSUIT. SLOWLY VERGE’S DISGUISE UNRAVELS IN FRONT OF THE CROWD. THERE ARE GASPS AND AUDIBLE SHOCK.
VERGE (CONT’D)
... Attention, people of Earth... You have one month.
JUNE
... If anyone forgot their glasses... that’s one, two, three, four arms... Okay?... Sorry, Verge, go ahead.
THE END