Part 1: Relentless Rick
WE HEAR SOUND OF THE SHEEP’S EYE ROADHOUSE. PEOPLE ARE CONTINUALLY FILING IN AS FRANK AND JUNE SIT AT THE BAR.
JUNE
... So that was fun.
FRANK
Yeah.
JUNE
Kinda been looking for a category to put that whole experience in.
FRANK
Me too.
JUNE
All night. I’ve been doing that all night.
FRANK
You didn’t sleep either?
JUNE
Sleep? Ha! Sure. Sleep.
FRANK
...
JUNE
It’s like... Everybody has weird shit happen to them, right? They swear they saw a ghost or a UFO or Sasquatch.
FRANK
But that’s easy to understand.
JUNE
Right. I know what a UFO is or Bigfoot but this...
FRANK
Hard to describe.
JUNE
“Gather round the campfire, everyone, and let me tell you of the time an entire diner appeared in our parking lot.”
FRANK
“And how right before that, several copies of my mom and dad started arguing in said parking lot.”
JUNE
“And how some leggy redhead showed up and apparently started unravelling reality.”
FRANK
“And how it was all solved by the... I don’t know... the universe being rebooted or something.”
JUNE
“And before all that, Frank was disintegrated and then put back together again by that same redhead.”
FRANK
...
JUNE
Sorry, too soon?
DEIDRA
Hey, you two. What can I get you?
JUNE
Deidra.
DEIDRA
Hey.
FRANK
You’re back.
DEIDRA
Yeah, I’m back.
JUNE
I thought you joined the Peace Corp or something.
DEIDRA
You did? Why?
JUNE
I asked TJ where his granddaughter went and he said “She joined the Peace Corp or something.”
DEIDRA
Oh. No, I was doing some community organizing in the city.
FRANK
What were you doing?
DEIDRA
It was the “Stop the Tram” project?
JUNE
There’s a tram? What tram are you stopping?
DEIDRA
The Mt. Hood Tram?
JUNE
Am I supposed to know about this?
FRANK
I don’t know anything about this.
DEIDRA
They want to build an arial tram that takes people all the way to the top of the mountain.
FRANK
Really?
DEIDRA
Yes.
JUNE
And you stopped it?
DEIDRA
(Trying to stay positive.)
Nope. They’re totally building it. We totally failed. Months and months of getting the word out and we totally failed. And then I fell into a deep “what the hell am I doing with my life” depression, so I figured I should probably come work for my grandpaw again. So, I am now back, completely humiliated, serving drinks to locals.
JUNE
That sucks, Deidra, I’m sorry. How’re you holding up?
DEIDRA
Still super depressed, successfully covering it all up by being chipper.
JUNE
Atta girl.
FRANK
Hey Deidra, let me ask you something, have you noticed anything weird lately?
DEIDRA
Weird?
FRANK
Out of the ordinary.
DEIDRA
Does being a grown-ass woman without any direction in life count?
FRANK
Let’s say no.
DEIDRA
Then, no.
FRANK
If you notice anything out of the ordinary, could you give me a call? You have my number, right?
DEIDRA
Sure. That’s kind of a weird thing to say, Frank.
JUNE
That is kind of a weird thing to say, Frank.
FRANK
Just give me a call, okay?
DEIDRA
Okay. What can I get you?
FRANK
Two IPAs?
DEIDRA
Sure.
JUNE
What are you doing?
FRANK
You heard what they said last night. Things could get weird here, we should keep a lookout.
JUNE
That was last night.
FRANK
I know I just figured, Clementine was here a few times, maybe... I don’t know.
JUNE
You’re going to start a neighborhood watch for strangeness?
FRANK
I don’t know.
JUNE
... Frank, are you maybe a little freaked out right now?
FRANK
Aren’t you?
JUNE
Yeah... I think I’m still in shock.
FRANK
Let me know when that wears off.
JUNE
But that scientist lady didn’t tell me that I got... I forget her exact words.
FRANK
She said, “At one point she disintegrated your body... and then she reconstructed your body from ambient molecules in the atmosphere.”
JUNE
Yeah... that’s not great.
FRANK
No.
JUNE
But look... look I’m poking you right now.
FRANK
I can see that.
JUNE
That’s solid Frank, right there. You’re right there.
FRANK
Am I?
JUNE
Yes.
FRANK
If my truck was destroyed and then someone made a new truck out of thin air that looks like my truck, is that my truck?
JUNE
I don’t know, did you check the glove compartment for that road flare you keep in there?
FRANK
I’m being serious.
JUNE
Yeah, I know Frank, but you brought up some serious philosophical shit just now, I don’t know if we’re going to get that worked out in an afternoon at the Sheep’s Eye Roadhouse.
FRANK
Guess not.
JUNE
You’re Frank. You’re right there.
FRANK
Okay.
FLAT DOUG
Hey, Frank?
FRANK
Flat Doug.
FLAT DOUG
... I asked people to stop calling me Flat Doug.
FRANK
Sorry. Doug. Hi.
FLAT DOUG
I heard you were asking around about weird shit?
FRANK
You... How did you hear about that already?
FLAT DOUG
I don’t know.
FRANK
That was like ninety seconds ago.
FLAT DOUG
Look, I heard it, okay?
JUNE
Are you seeing some weird shit, Doug?
FLAT DOUG No.
JUNE
Okay.
FRANK
... Okay. What are we talking about then, Doug?
FLAT DOUG
I just want to be warned if there’s anything weird going on.
FRANK
I see.
FLAT DOUG
I don’t like weird shit, Frank.
JUNE
We understand.
FLAT DOUG
I’ve been hit by two snow plows, I don’t like weird shit. It’s a pattern with me.
FRANK
We get it.
JUNE
Technically, getting hit by three snow plows would be a pattern. Twice is just a coincidence.
FLAT DOUG
Why would you even put that out into the world, June?
JUNE
I’m sorry.
FLAT DOUG
Now I’m freaked out about a third snow plow.
JUNE
You weren’t before? I would be.
FRANK
She’s really sorry.
JUNE
It’s currently Spring, so, you’ve got that working for you.
FRANK
We didn’t mean renegade snow plows, we were just talking about... just, if you see anything out of the ordinary give me a call at the Motel, okay?
FLAT DOUG
You guys have got to tell me if something’s going on.
FRANK
We will, Doug, I promise. Give me a call?
FLAT DOUG
Yeah, okay.
JUNE
Look both ways when you cross the street... I mean, seriously though, who doesn’t hear a snow plow coming? And then doesn’t hear a snow plow coming the second time?
FRANK
We have to protect Flat Doug. No one else is going to work at the convenience store, it takes a particular brand of human to do that.
JUNE
The “plow magnet” brand, apparently.
CELESTE
Frank?
FRANK
Celeste. Hello.
CELESTE
I heard you were looking for weird shit?
FRANK
Jesus.
JUNE
See what you did?
FRANK
I was... Sure, Celeste, what have you got?
CELESTE
Well, the raccoons were back at my place again.
FRANK
Celeste, you’ve really got to fix your garbage cans okay?
CELESTE
There were two of them. I heard them back there, they knocked over my trash cans, so I rush out back to shoo them away, and when I hit them with the porch lights, one of them he...
instead of running away he just stood up. Like a man. And he stood there with his arms wide, like this... He just stood there like he wanted a hug or something. He stood there like that for five minutes...
JUNE
You stood there, staring down a raccoon for five minutes?
CELESTE
Well what was I supposed to do?
JUNE
Discuss current events?
FRANK
I don’t think that’s the kind of weird thing we we’re talking about, Celeste, but you really need some locking trash cans.
CELESTE
Why am I going to spend money on something I put garbage in?
FRANK
We just replaced ours at the motel, I’ll bring a couple of our old ones by your place, okay?
CELESTE
Yeah, okay... Standing there like a man.
FRANK
I understand.
JUNE
... I would say she needs to quit drinking but I think I’m more scared of a sober Celeste. Oh shit, Edgy Steve alert.
EDGY STEVE
Frank, how’re you doing, pal?
FRANK
Steve.
EDGY STEVE
Listen, I’m hearing rumblings in town about weird shit going on.
FRANK
How does this happen in two minutes?
EDGY STEVE
I’d like to get the inside track on this. I need to know what’s going on at all times. I don’t want any surprises.
FRANK
There’s nothing to tell, Steve. It’s just a question I asked Deidre literally two minutes ago.
EDGY STEVE
I need to stay abreast of these things, Frank.
FRANK
Abreast?
EDGY STEVE
A guy like me? I’m an entrepreneur.
FRANK
You’re a meth dealer.
EDGY STEVE
And as an entrepreneur I need to have my finger on the pulse of the community. I need to be jacked into the nervous system, I need to stay on top of trends.
FRANK
In a town of six hundred people?
EDGY STEVE
I have a lot of projects coming down the pipeline, if there’s weird shit going on, I need to know about it.
JUNE
What are these projects, Steve?
EDGY STEVE
I can’t talk about it, it’s proprietary.
JUNE
What does proprietary mean?
EDGY STEVE
Proprietary means I can’t talk about it.
JUNE
That’s not what proprietary means.
FRANK
Okay, I promise I’ll keep you updated, Steve.
EDGY STEVE
Thanks, man. Hey, are you on Linkedin?
FRANK
Please go away now.
DEIDRE PUTS TWO PINTS OF BEER ON THE BAR.
DEIDRA
Two IPAs.
FRANK
Thank you.
DEIDRA
Hey, Frank, my grandpaw just called, he wants to know why you’re asking around about weird things going on.
FRANK
Your-... Where is your grandfather right now?
DEIDRA
Fishing.
FRANK
How did... Does he have security cameras up in this place or something?
DEIDRA
Uh, I don’t know, maybe?
FRANK
Okay. (Addressing the entire bar.) Everybody-can you cut the music for a second Deidra-Everybody listen up. Everybody... Look, I know I just asked Deidra literally a few minutes ago if she’s seen anything weird lately. That doesn’t mean it’s time for people to panic–it was an innocent question it’s not anything to worry about.
FLAT DOUG
Did you hear about Celeste’s raccoons?
CELESTE
Standing up like a man.
FRANK
That’s not what I’m talking about at all. Raccoons do weird things, we’ve all seen it, that’s not what I’m talking about.
JUNE
What are you talking about, though?
FRANK
Are you going to help me here?
JUNE
This is what happens when you don’t discuss things with me beforehand.
EDGY STEVE
Frank, we all live here, okay? If there’s something you’re not telling us, I feel like we have a right to know what it is.
FLAT DOUG
And if it involves snow plows.
FRANK
It doesn’t involve snow plows.
FLAT DOUG
Is this about the secret military base?
FRANK
There’s no secret military base.
FLAT DOUG
I mean, the very nature of a secret military base is that you don’t know about it.
CELESTE
Their transmissions break into my radio station sometimes.
FRANK
No, they don’t.
JUNE
I’m with Celeste, I think they’ve got one of those listening stations hidden around the other side of the mountain.
CELESTE
That’s what it is, a listening station.
FRANK
Really? Can either of you tell me what a listening station is?
CELESTE
It’s a...
JUNE
It’s where they listen to things.
FRANK
No, you can’t. You can’t say it’s nearby if you don’t know what it is.
CELESTE
Agree to disagree.
FLAT DOUG
Frank, you can’t start asking about weird shit going on without telling us why.
FRANK
Never mind. Okay? Forget I said anything. I’m not asking about anything, I’m not curious, I’m not suspicious. I’m nothing. Okay? I’m Frank. I’m sitting here at the bar having a beer. That’s it. No weird shit is going on. Everything’s fine. Everything’s normal.
WE HEAR SEVERAL SHOTS FROM A REVOLVER ECHOING OUTSIDE.
FRANK (CONT’D)
What was that?
JUNE
Were those gunshots?
FRANK
What is that, hunters? Doug, when is hunting season?
FLAT DOUG
Not til October.
WE HEAR SEVERAL MORE GUNSHOTS.
FLAT DOUG (CONT’D)
Also that’s not a rifle.
FRANK WALKS OUTSIDE THE SHEEP’S EYE. EVERYONE FOLLOWS. THEY ALL LISTEN.
FRANK
Doug, what do you mean it wasn’t a rifle?
FLAT DOUG
Sounded more like a pistol.
JUNE
(To Frank.)
Is Flat Doug a gun person?
FRANK
He is.
JUNE
A guy with his kind of luck should not be a gun person.
FRANK
You ever tried to get a gun person to not be a gun person?
MORE SHOTS RING OUT.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Where’s it coming from?
EDGY STEVE
I think it’s that way.
CELESTE
No, it’s the other way, you’re hearing the echo.
EDGY STEVE
I think you’re hearing the echo.
FLAT DOUG
That’s definitely a pistol. Colt 45, I think.
JUNE
It’s getting closer.
DEIDRA
Is anybody else hearing a horse?
WE BEGIN TO HEAR A HORSE APPROACHING AT FULL GALLOP. MORE SHOTS RING OUT, GETTING CLOSER AND CLOSER.
FRANK
What the hell?
JUNE
Oh shit, over there.
THE HORSE GETS CLOSER AND CLOSER AND SPEEDS RIGHT PAST THEM WITH A BANDIT RIDING IT.
RELENTLESS RICK
You’ll never catch me, Lawman!
RELENTLESS RICK RIDES PAST THEM AT FULL CLIP, FIRING HIS COLT 45. HALFWAY DOWN THE BLOCK, HIS HORSE COMES TO A STOP AND HE LEAPS OFF.
JUNE
What the fuck?
RELENTLESS RICK
Relentless Rick don’t surrender for nothin’!
HE FIRES MORE SHOTS.
FRANK
Everybody down!
FLAT DOUG
What the hell is happening?
JUNE
Since when do we have outlaws?
FRANK
Deidra, get down!
DEIDRA
That’s Relentless Rick.
FRANK
What?
DEIDRA
That’s... He’s a bandit.
WE HEAR BREAKING GLASS.
EDGY STEVE
Why is he breaking into the sporting goods store?
FRANK
Deidra, what are you talking about?
DEIDRA
Relentless Rick, he... he robbed the cash stores of timber companies.
FRANK
Robbed? Past tense?
DEIDRA
In the... 1850s?
FRANK
Jesus Christ.
JUNE
Hey Frank. I found something weird.
CELESTE
He couldn’t just wait for the store to open?
FRANK
Why is he breaking into the sporting goods store?
JUNE
Maybe he’s having a sporting goods emergency?
DEIDRA
The sporting goods store used to be a holding station for a timber company. They kept the payroll there.
RELENTLESS RICK
(Inside the store.)
Where’s the damn money?!
FRANK
Is there anybody in there?
FLAT DOUG
It’s the off season. Jeremiah’s got the place closed up until September.
EDGY STEVE
Is this some kind of historical reenactment thing? Like for tourists? Because I was thinking of doing something like that, that’s my intellectual property in there.
FRANK
That’s not how intellectual property works.
DEIDRA
Frank, what’s going on?
FRANK
Uhh...
JUNE
Okay, everybody listen up. When Frank was asking about weird shit going on, this is what he was talking about. Some sort of wild west character riding a horse through town shooting a gun. Okay? Weird, right? This is what he meant.
THREE SHOTS RING OUT, ALL OF THEM RICOCHETING OFF OF METAL.
RELENTLESS RICK
(Inside the shop.)
Gol durn!
FRANK
What the fuck is he doing now?
JUNE
I think he’s shooting Jeremiah’s safe.
FLAT DOUG
Are we just going to let him go crazy in there?
FRANK
Where is Jeremiah?
CELESTE
He’s a paralegal in Eugene during the off-season.
JUNE
Jeremiah’s a paralegal?
CELESTE
Helped me file for divorce number two.
FRANK
Okay, can someone get Jeremiah on the phone and tell him what’s happening?
DEIDRA
I think we have his number inside.
EDGY STEVE
What are you going to do?
FRANK
I guess I’m going to go talk to him?
FLAT DOUG
He’s got a gun, Frank.
FRANK
Well, he hasn’t hit anything yet.
JUNE
I’m coming with you.
FRANK
No, stay here-
JUNE
Oh shut up, I’m coming with you.
FRANK
Fine. Everyone else stay here.
CELESTE
Frank. What the hell is going on?
FRANK
Okay... Okay, June’s right, this is the weird shit I was talking about, okay? Things may start getting a little weird in town. I can’t really explain why. Just... we’re going to figure this out okay? Stay here. June and I are going to talk to him.
FRANK AND JUNE APPROACH THE SPORTING GOODS STORE.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Okay, so we’re in agreement that this is not some history nut, that this is the actual guy?
JUNE
Oh yeah, that’s the guy.
FRANK
What was his name again?
JUNE
Relentless Rick.
FRANK
For fuck’s sake. This is not the type of weirdness I was expecting.
JUNE
You know what’s funny? This is not the weirdest thing to happen to us in the last 24 hours.
FRANK
That’s a good way of looking at it.
JUNE
We’re nowhere near “One Thousand Hyundai Sonatas” territory. Though, I wasn’t expecting any weird shit we saw to be this... rootin’ tootin’.
FRANK
Any idea how to appeal to an outlaw from the 1850s?
JUNE
I don’t know? Whiskey? Prostitutes? Hand rolled cigarettes?
FRANK LIGHTLY KNOCKS ON THE DOOR OF THE SPORTING GOODS STORE.
RELENTLESS RICK (Inside.) Who’s there?
FRANK
Uh, hey there, it’s Rick, right?
RELENTLESS RICK
That ain’t my name.
FRANK
... Relentless Rick?
RELENTLESS RICK That’s me.
FRANK
Okay, Rick there’s not any money in there.
RELENTLESS RICK
I’m lookin’ at a safe right now, you’re tellin’ me there ain’t no money in it?
FRANK
It’s empty. (to June.) It’s empty, right?
JUNE
I guess so?
FRANK
It’s empty. They uh... they empty it out in the off season and they take it to a bank in the city.
RELENTLESS RICK
There ain’t no bank in the city.
FRANK
Shit, really?
JUNE
Get it together, 1850s Oregon.
RELENTLESS RICK
Who in the heck are you?
FRANK
I’m Frank. I run the uh... I run the hotel in town.
RELENTLESS RICK Hotel?
FRANK
Yeah.
RELENTLESS RICK
They got a damn hotel in town now?
FRANK
They do.
RELENTLESS RICK
This place is goin’ straight to hell.
JUNE
It really is, Rick.
RELENTLESS RICK
Who’s the lady?
JUNE
I’m June. Hi. I run the uh... dress shop?
RELENTLESS RICK
They got a damn Hotel and a damn dress shop now?
JUNE
Sure do.
RELENTLESS RICK
That’s a damn shame. Used to be nothin’ but trees around here.
JUNE
That’s good news for you, Rick, it’s really hard to rob a tree.
RELENTLESS RICK (Laughs.) Hell I guess that’s right.
FRANK
Rick, you’ve got a lot of people really scared out here.
RELENTLESS RICK
They should be, durn it. If I don’t get this safe open I’m going to have to use my last stick of dynamite, and I was saving that for a special occasion.
FRANK
No dynamite, Rick. Really bad idea.
JUNE
Rick, the safe is empty.
RELENTLESS RICK
Ma’am I been all over this territory and I ain’t never seen an empty safe. You don’t get yourself a safe so’s it can sit there empty.
JUNE
That’s a fair point, actually. Also, he called me Ma’am. Very classy.
FRANK
Deidre! Did you get Jeremiah on the phone?
DEIDRA
(Taking cover by the Sheep’s Eye.)
I’m on with him right now.
FRANK
Tell him we need the combination to his safe.
DEIDRA
Why?
FRANK
We need to show him that it’s empty.
DEIDRA
Oh... okay...
FRANK
Rick, listen, we’re going to get you the combination to the safe so you can see it’s empty, okay?
RELENTLESS RICK
You better.
FRANK
No dynamite, Rick.
RELENTLESS RICK
Y’all better hurry up.
DEIDRA
36, 22, 31.
FRANK
Okay Rick, it’s 36, 22, 31.
RELENTLESS RICK
... I ain’t never opened a safe with the combination before.
JUNE
Bless his heart.
FRANK
Go right, then left, then right.
RELENTLESS RICK
... Right.... Left... right...
WE HEAR THE SAFE OPEN.
RELENTLESS RICK (CONT’D)
Well, shit.
FRANK
See?
RELENTLESS RICK
... What in all hell is this safe doin’ here empty?
FRANK
It’s like you were saying, Rick. The whole town’s going to hell.
THREE MORE SHOTS RING OUT, HE’S SHOOTING THE SAFE AGAIN.
JUNE
Rick! Rick, rick, c’mon, man, you’re just wasting bullets now, I’m sure they’re expensive.
RELENTLESS RICK ... Shit.
JUNE
Rick... Rick you sound a little desperate in there. Are you on the run from a... what do they call it?
FRANK
A posse?
JUNE
A posse! That’s it. Rick are you on the run from a posse? I can almost guarantee they’re not going to find you.
FRANK
Please, God, don’t let a posse start riding through town.
RELENTLESS RICK
I ain’t runnin’ from no posse.
JUNE
... Rick, what’s going on? You sound like a sad little cowboy in there.
RELENTLESS RICK
I ain’t runnin’ from a posse.
JUNE
What are you running from, Rick?
RELENTLESS RICK
... Progress.
JUNE
Progress?
FRANK
Progress... Deidra!
DEIDRA
What?
FRANK
When did Oregon become a state?
DEIDRA
A state?
FRANK
Yeah.
DEIDRA
1859.
FRANK
Ah... progress.
JUNE
Progress... Hey, Rick... Rick are you worried about the Oregon Territory becoming a state?
RELENTLESS RICK
Soon as they sign them papers I’m gonna have US Marshalls headed right up my ass.
JUNE
That’s a striking visual, Rick, but are you sure that’s true?
RELENTLESS RICK
That’s what happened in California. Soon as they joined up I ran north. You think I want to be up here? I hate the rain.
JUNE
Yeah, it’s a lot. You try and tell people it rains a lot but they just don’t hear you.
RELENTLESS RICK
I feel like I ain’t been dry in seven years.
JUNE
My heart goes out to this guy.
FRANK
How many people has he killed?
JUNE
Hey. Don’t do that to Rick. He has one skill. Banditry. What’s he supposed to do?
FRANK
I’m sorry, should we talk to him about community college?
JUNE
So what was the plan, Rick?
RELENTLESS RICK
Same’s everybody else in my line of work.
JUNE
Canada?
RELENTLESS RICK
Canada.
JUNE
And you needed one last score.
RELENTLESS RICK
That’s about the size of it.
FRANK
What do you want to do? Start a gofundme for the time traveling cowboy?
JUNE
How much did you need, Rick?
RELENTLESS RICK
More than you got on you, Ma’am.
JUNE
Okay, let’s run some numbers. Let’s see what we can do.
RELENTLESS RICK
... Seventy five dollars.
JUNE
... Seventy five dollars?
RELENTLESS RICK
That’s right.
JUNE
Seventy five dollars will get you to Canada and get you set up with a new life?
RELENTLESS RICK
By my estimations.
JUNE
Goddamn, inflation is real.
FRANK
Everybody come here!
EDGY STEVE
I’m not going over there, he has a gun.
FRANK
I’m pretty sure he used all his bullets on the safe, come here!
JUNE
What are you doing?
FRANK
Have you got seventy-five dollars on you?
JUNE
No.
FRANK
How much do you have?
JUNE
... Eleven.
FRANK
That’s a start, give it here.
JUNE
We’re giving him the money?
FRANK
We give him the money and he he’ll at least get out of town and be Canada’s problem.
JUNE
Okay.
FLAT DOUG
Frank, what are we doing?
FRANK
We need seventy-five dollars, how much cash do you have?
FLAT DOUG
Uh, like eight dollars.
CELESTE
Five.
DEIDRA
I could check my tip jar but it’s kind of early in the day.
FRANK
Great. Steve?
EDGY STEVE
I don’t carry cash.
FRANK
You’re a drug dealer.
EDGY STEVE
I am many things, thank you.
FRANK
Steve.
EDGY STEVE
I’m 100% Venmo now.
FRANK
How were you all drinking at the bar just now?
DEIDRA
They’re all on a tab.
FRANK
Of course they are. Deidra, can you get seventy-five dollars out of the til. Tell TJ I’ll pay him back.
JUNE
And a bottle of whiskey. Preferably one with no label and just a cork in it.
DEIDRA
O...kay.
JUNE
Rick, we’re going to try and help you out okay?
RELENTLESS RICK
This ain’t the typical reaction when I come to town firin’ my gun.
JUNE
Well, it’s like you said, Rick, the whole town’s going to Hell.
RELENTLESS RICK
Y’all are gonna pay me to leave town?
JUNE
We are, but don’t take it personally, Rick.
DEIDRA
Okay, here’s the money. We didn’t have any bottles without labels so I got the bottle of Old Grandad because it sounded the old-timey-est.
JUNE
Great work, Deidra. Give it here.
FRANK
You’re going in there?
JUNE
Yeah, I’m going to go hang out with the bandit.
FRANK
And then encourage him to leave town?
JUNE
Of course, Frank.
FRANK
He doesn’t get to crash on your couch.
JUNE
Oh relax. Rick, I’m coming in.
JUNE OPENS THE DOOR AND WALKS IN.
JUNE (CONT’D)
... Hey there, Cowboy.
RELENTLESS RICK Ma’am.
JUNE
Here you go. Seventy-five dollars.
RELENTLESS RICK
I can’t believe y’all are just giving me money.
JUNE
Consider it a severance package from America.
RELENTLESS RICK
A what now?
JUNE
Never mind. Here, have some whiskey.
RELENTLESS RICK
Obliged.
RICK DRINKS THE WHISKEY.
RELENTLESS RICK (CONT’D)
What in Hell is all this?
JUNE
Skiing gear.
RELENTLESS RICK
Skiing?
JUNE
Yeah, it’s uh... See these here? You go to the top of the mountain, strap these to your feet, and then go down the side of the mountain very fast.
RELENTLESS RICK
That sounds ill advised.
JUNE
You rob people for a living, Rick.
RELENTLESS RICK
I suppose I ain’t one to talk, am I?
JUNE
No, Rick, you’re a bonafide crime-doer.
RELENTLESS RICK
Skiing... The world keeps changin’ on me. You ever get that feeling?
JUNE
Oh yeah. All the time. It’s why I live way up here. Seems like big changes happen in the city first and then make their way out here. At least that way I can see them coming, I don’t have to wake up one morning and suddenly everything’s different. My mom worked a lot and my Dad was always out on a fishing boat, so I never really knew what to expect when I woke up in the morning. Living up here gives me a little lead time.
RELENTLESS RICK
I always knew what to expect of my daddy.
JUNE
That’s nice.
RELENTLESS RICK
Expected him to be drunk.
JUNE
Ah.
RELENTLESS RICK
Drove me out of the house when I was eleven years old. Figured I knew how to ride a horse and shoot a gun, what else do I need to know?
JUNE
How to drive stick?
RELENTLESS RICK
Now look. Everything’s about to be the United States around here. I don’t know how to operate in a land that’s got laws. How’m I supposed to keep track of ‘em all?
JUNE
There does seem to be a lot of them.
RELENTLESS RICK
Now I gotta’ figure how to be a gol’ durn Canadian. I ain’t learnin’ no French, that’s for damn sure.
JUNE
Maybe you’ll like it up there.
RELENTLESS RICK
I don’t even know what they do up there. What transpires in Canada?
JUNE
I think it’s mostly beaver hunting and syrup making at this point.
RELENTLESS RICK
Well that’s just sad.
JUNE
Yeah, I guess so. Always a white Christmas, though.
RELENTLESS RICK
Maybe I’ll get one o’ them furry hats.
JUNE
Sure. Grow a beard. Hunt a moose. Get weird with it, Rick.
RELENTLESS RICK
Might not be so bad.
JUNE
That’s actually the national motto of Canada: “Might not be so bad.”
RELENTLESS RICK
... Maybe I’ll learn a little French.
JUNE
Maybe just a word or two. You never know.
RELENTLESS RICK
... I appreciate y’all helpin’ me out.
JUNE
Don’t mention it. Come on outside and say hello to everyone before you go.
RELENTLESS RICK
Yeah, alright.
JUNE OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND THEY WALK INTO THE STREET.
JUNE
Everyone, this is Relentless Rick, the soon-to-be-Canadian.
RELENTLESS RICK
Afternoon all. Sorry about the mess.
DEIDRA
Is... is that actually-
FRANK
Yeah. Yes, it is.
FLAT DOUG
I’m freaking out over here, Man.
FRANK
Just keep it together, Doug.
EDGY STEVE
I’ve never seen someone wear that much leather.
CELESTE
I have.
RELENTLESS RICK
I’m all turned around. Which way’s north?
FRANK
That way. Keep the sun on your right in the morning, on your left in the afternoon. Eventually you’ll hit Canada.
RELENTLESS RICK
Alright y’all.
RELENTLESS RICK MOUNTS HIS HORSE.
RELENTLESS RICK (CONT’D)
I’d uhh... I’d consider it a personal favor if you wouldn’t tell nobody about this. Mighty embarrassing for an outlaw to be receivin’ charity.
JUNE
We promise to tell them you robbed us.
RELENTLESS RICK
Thank you kindly, Ma’am. Let’s ride! HEEEAW!
RICK’S HORSE TAKES OFF DOWN THE STREET. AFTER A FEW SECONDS, RICK AND HE HORSE DISAPPEAR.
FRANK
...
JUNE
...
EDGY STEVE Uhhh.
FRANK
Shit.
DEIDRA
He disappeared.
CELESTE
I’m glad everybody else saw that.
FLAT DOUG
Oh, what the hell, Frank.
FRANK
Okay, everybody listen.
EDGY STEVE
I want to get out in front of this: I have not dosed anyone. I don’t do that anymore, I’m an adult now.
FRANK
We know, Steve... Look everyone, we’ve got a lot to talk about, so let’s head back inside and we’ll all talk about it, okay? Suffice to say: things may get a little weird for a while. We’re going to be okay. We’ll take it as it comes just like we did today. Let’s go.
CELESTE
So, drinks are on you, then?
FRANK
Yeah, Celeste, sure. C’mon.
WE TRANSITION TO THE FRONT DESK OF THE HORIZON MOTEL. THE DOOR OPENS.
JUNE
I have brought beers of celebration.
FRANK
Thank you.
JUNE
Nice work today, cousin.
FRANK
Thank you again.
JUNE
You handled it like a champ.
FRANK
So did you.
JUNE
I must say, I really jumped in there, didn’t I? Hanging out with outlaws. Look at me.
FRANK
Look at you.
JUNE
Remember when we would watch Babylon 5?
FRANK
Yes. “Why can’t that be my life?”
JUNE
I said that all the time, but now look.
FRANK
It’s like you’ve been training for this.
JUNE
Exactly. It’s the sci-fi nerds that you turn to when the weird shit hits the weird fan. Never forget.
FRANK
I won’t. But still, let’s hope today was it, though. Maybe there was just some residual... something, and now it’s done.
JUNE
Boring... Oh hey. Here’s an idea. There’s a customer coming up the to the door right now, let’s judge if the weird shit is over by this next customer.
FRANK
Fine. What are they driving?
JUNE
They appear to be on foot.
FRANK
That doesn’t bode well for me.
JUNE
It doesn’t.
THE DOOR TO THE OFFICE OPENS.
FRANK
Hey there. Welcome to the Horizon.
VERGE
Thanks.
FRANK
Need a room?
VERGE
Sure, why not?
FRANK
Well, we’re in the off-season so you’ve got your pick of all of them. How about room seven?
VERGE
Okay.
JUNE
It’s our best one.
VERGE
Great.
FRANK
Just tonight? How long are you staying?
VERGE
... Not sure, actually.
FRANK
No problem. Can I get a credit card to keep on file?
VERGE
... Mind if I do the other thing?
FRANK
The other... cash?
VERGE
That’s it.
FRANK
Sure. I’d need a two-hundred dollar deposit, though.
VERGE
Okay.
VERGE SETS DOWN A STEEL CASE AND GET OUT A ROLL OF CASH.
VERGE (CONT’D) That work?
FRANK
Yeah, that’s fine. Key is in the bedside table, ice machine is between 3 and 4.
VERGE
Thanks.
JUNE
What’s your name?
VERGE
... Verge.
JUNE
Nice to meet you. I’m June, that’s Frank.
VERGE
Hi.
FRANK
Enjoy your stay. Let us know if you need anything.
VERGE
Sure. ‘Night.
JUNE
Bye bye.
THE DOOR TO THE OFFICE CLOSES.
FRANK
Okay. See? Totally normal.
THE END.