Chapter 44: Here Be Dragons
WE ARE IN A MASSIVE OUTDOOR GARDEN. A THUNDERSTORM IS IN THE DISTANCE. THE DINER APPEARS IN THE MIDDLE OF IT. AFTER A MOMENT WE HEAR LEIF’S DRONES TAKE OFF AND BEGIN TO SURVEIL THE ENVIRONMENT. AFTER THE DRONES ARE RELEASED, TETA MOVES INTO THE PARKING LOT, WEAPON DRAWN.
TETA
We’re clear.
EVERYONE EXCEPT FIONA AND DAVID WALKS OUT INTO THE PARKING LOT AND HAS A LOOK AROUND.
GLORIA
Is it weird that this is exactly what I was expecting?
LEIF
No, it’s pretty boiler plate stuff. Dark, ominous, beautiful. Classic space emperor.
LIBUZA
Can someone help me out? What are we looking at?
CASPAR
Yeah, it’s like Leif said. Overcast skies, a thunderstorm in the distance. We’re in some kind of massive garden. It’s huge— several acres. A lot of hedges and topiaries. The garden also has all these smaller buildings in it. Then, directly opposite of us on the far side of the garden, there’s a huge mountain.
KAZI
That’s not a mountain.
CASPAR
Well, what the fuck is it?
TETA
That’s where we’re headed.
CASPAR
Jesus, that’s his evil keep or whatever?
LEIF
That’s not just his evil keep.
TETA
Yeah.
CASPAR
What do you mean?
TETA
It’s a weapon.
CASPAR
What?
LEIF
I think what we’re looking at in the distance is what stranded us in Pasadena.
CASPAR
The mountain is a weapon?
LEIF
Yeah.
GLORIA
Well, which is it, is it his castle or a weapon?
TETA
Both.
LIBUZA
Caspar.
CASPAR
Okay, the mountain in the distance I was describing is apparently a giant castle and also a massive weapon. It’s huge, it reaches above the clouds.
LEIF
By my estimation it reaches above the atmosphere.
CASPAR
Jesus. This guy is not subtle.
GLORIA
Ava, what are you looking at?
AVA
A bar.
GLORIA
What?
AVA
“The Stone Fox.”
CASPAR
What?
AVA
Come here.
GLORIA
Leif, you better come down.
LEIF
Coming down.
CASPAR
Okay, Libuza we’re going to head over here.
LIBUZA
Did she say “a bar?”
CASPAR
Yeah.
GLORIA
... What the fuck?
AVA
Looks like a shitty dive bar.
GLORIA
Why is it covered by some sort of force field?
AVA
Probably to keep it here. I think we’re looking at another thing like the diner and The Paradise.
GLORIA
You think it’s trapped here?
AVA
Just like he plans to do with the diner.
GLORIA
Leif, what is this force field?
LEIF
It’s not a force field.
CASPAR
What is it- DON’T WALK THROUGH IT- he walked through it.
LEIF
I’m inside. This isn’t to keep people out.
CASPAR
Leif can you get out of there?
LEIF
Yeah watch.
LEIF WALKS BACK THROUGH THE BARRIER.
LEIF (CONT’D) See?
AVA
It’s like it’s on display.
GLORIA
... Leif, what are the drones seeing right now? What are the other buildings in this garden?
LEIF
Hang on.
LEIF HAS A HAND HELD REMOTE FOR THE DRONES. HE CYCLES THROUGH THE CAMERAS ON THE DISPLAY.
LEIF (CONT’D)
... Shit... There’s at least a hundred of them. Bars, restaurants, a book store— a train station, I guess.
LIBUZA
All Earth structures?
LEIF
... No, actually. I see a Furshlick tree out there, a Menite grinder, plus a bunch of structures that I don’t recognize. It’s a whole garden full of places like the diner.
GLORIA
It’s not a garden, it’s a trophy case.
AVA
And we’re the latest addition.
LIBUZA
What about all of the people? There must’ve been people living in all these places.
GLORIA
I don’t know. Before we go to meet the big boss man we’re going to check some of these places out.
CASPAR
Okay.
KAZI
Gloria?
GLORIA
Yeah?
KAZI
If it’s all the same to you, I think the three of us would like to get on with this.
GLORIA
Okay.
TETA
I’ve got you, Libby.
GLORIA
Good luck.
KAZI
And to you.
GLORIA
We’ll be right behind you. Hang on guys.
GLORIA WALKS BACK INSIDE THE DINER.
DAVID
What’s the word?
GLORIA
It’s a huge garden full of things like the diner. I guess The Benefactor’s been collecting them.
EFFIE
We didn’t see that one coming.
ZEBULON
We did not.
GLORIA
No, that’s new information. We’re going to check out these new places, and then we’re going to head in... I really hope this works.
EFFIE
Well, Gloria, it’s not as though we had all the choices in the world laid out before us.
ZEBULON
And I must say, this plan of yours has a level of... what’s the word I’m looking for?
EFFIE
Crazy.
ZEBULON
Yes. A degree to which we’ve never seen before.
GLORIA
Thanks... I hope.
DAVID
I guess we’ll just cross our fingers.
GLORIA
David, thank you for agreeing to stay behind, I think it’s really helped Caspar’s head.
DAVID
It’s no problem.
GLORIA
Okay... stay safe, y’all.
GLORIA EXITS. AFTER A MOMENT.
EFFIE
Dear?
ZEBULON
Yes, dear?
EFFIE
I must say, I find it odd that one so obstinate as David would agree so readily to remain with us.
ZEBULON
I agree dear. Also, I do believe he is within earshot.
EFFIE
Yes, I know he is... David? What have you got up your sleeve?
DAVID
Moi?
WE HEAR THE DOOR TO THE STONE FOX GET FORCED OPEN. GLORIA, LEIF, CASPAR, AND AVA WALK IN.
AVA
This brings back memories.
LEIF
It does?
AVA
My mom used to play gigs at places like this all the time. A captive audience of tens and tens of people.
CASPAR
(Reading off the sign.)
“The Stone Fox, When You’re Here, You Hate Your Family.” Not bad.
AVA
I wonder what version of Leif lived here.
CASPAR
Barfly Leif?
GLORIA
Oooh, I bet Barfly Leif is messy.
LEIF
I don’t see any sign of me at all. I’m going to see if I can get up on the roof.
CASPAR
(From the kitchen.)
The kitchen’s really small.
AVA
I’m going to walk around outside, see what I can see.
GLORIA
Don’t go far, Ava.
AVA
You’re not my real mom.
AVA WALKS OUT THE BACK DOOR.
GLORIA
Caspar, is there any sign of me in the kitchen. How do the spices look?... Caspar?
GLORIA WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
What’s up?... Caspar?
CASPAR
There’s a note on the grill.
GLORIA
Read it.
CASPAR
I need you to read it.
GLORIA
Why?
CASPAR
... Because it’s in my handwriting.
GLORIA
... Oh.
GLORIA PICKS UP THE NOTE AND READS.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
“Not sure who this note is for. With any luck, no one will ever walk in the front door again. If you’re reading this and nothing weird has happened yet, leave now. If you have anything in your life that you value, leave now.”
CASPAR
Jesus.
GLORIA
“For a while I convinced myself that there was a point to all this, that if I hung on long enough I would understand why it’s all happening. Now I realize that it was all just a waste of time, looking for meaning in everything... If it’s too late for you like it was for me, I hope she finds you.”
CASPAR
What?
GLORIA
“She can do amazing things, things that seem impossible. She says she can get me where I need to go, and I’ve decided that I believe her... I’m sorry if you get this note too late, and if you do... hope she shows up. Her name is...”
CASPAR
Clementine.
GLORIA
“Signed, Caspar.”
CASPAR
I took Clementine’s deal. She reunited this Caspar with David.
GLORIA
Looks like it.
CASPAR
... So how did this place end up here?
GLORIA
I don’t know.
LEIF ENTERS.
LEIF
Hey. Nothing on the roof. I don’t know who was living here but it wasn’t me.
CASPAR
It was me. I left a note. Apparently I took Clementine’s deal.
LEIF
No shit?
CASPAR
Yeah.
LEIF
But how did this place end up here?
CASPAR
That’s what I just said.
AVA
(In earpiece.)
Y’all?
GLORIA
What is it, Ava?
AVA
There’s something you need to see.
WE MOVE TO THE SISTERS. THEY APPROACH A MASSIVE DOOR TO THE CASTLE OF THE BENEFACTOR.
TETA
There it is again.
LIBUZA
What?
KAZI
We’re standing at the massive door to this fortress. The door has the mark of the visitor again.
LIBUZA
... I can’t believe this is happening.
TETA
It’s happening.
LIBUZA
Do we... do we think it’s him or... is it some sort of cult that uses his image?
KAZI
You said it before back on the Malthusian Trap. An entire galaxy of Earthlings? A network of stable wormholes? An army of followers with unmatched technology?... It would take enormous power.
LIBUZA
Our father was powerful, but he wasn’t that powerful.
KAZI
Was he not? I spent years masquerading as a historian who studied him. He had many names, but The Visitor was the most apt. No one knew where he came from. Half of the DNA in our bodies has no origin point... We have no idea who our father was.
TETA
Well, let’s go and see him.
TETA HITS THE DOOR THREE TIMES WITH THE BUTT OF HER RIFLE.
TETA (CONT’D)
Let’s get this shit over with.
KAZI
... I want you two to know that I love you both very much...
TETA
...
LIBUZA
...
KAZI
I was a solitary creature running an illegal body-forming lab in an asteroid belt. Libuza, you reached out and united the three of us... I’m... very grateful for that.
LIBUZA
... We... love you too, Kazi.
KAZI
...
LIBUZA
...
TETA
... I’m actually still on the fence about both you.
THE MASSIVE DOORS BEGIN TO SLOWLY MOVE APART.
TETA (CONT’D)
I hope there’s food at this little shindig. I’m starving.
CASPAR, GLORIA, AND LEIF ALL WALK THROUGH THE DOOR OF A NEW PLACE. AVA IS WAITING.
AVA
Welcome.
CASPAR
What is this place?
AVA
Look up there.
GLORIA
... It’s a Bingo Hall?
AVA
Welcome to the Knights of Halifax Bingo Hall.
LEIF
A time-traveling, dimension-spanning, bingo hall.
AVA
B, I, N, G, O.
CASPAR
You know, a time-traveling, dimension-spanning diner didn’t sound stupid until just now.
GLORIA
What did you need us to see, Ava?
AVA
I need Leif to take a look at the wall over there.
LEIF
What?... Oh...
GLORIA
... What is that?
CASPAR
They look like shadows, what are they?
LEIF
They’re shadows... they’re burn shadows.
CASPAR
What’s a burn shadow?
LEIF
When a target is hit by a very sudden thermal attack it can leave their shadow burned into the wall. You see it at Hiroshima and Nagasaki, you see it at Vesuvius.
AVA
Each shadow has a pile of ashes in front of it.
GLORIA
They were killed here?
CASPAR
Who were they?
LEIF
Four shadows, all hominid shaped...
AVA
... It’s us.
GLORIA
This isn’t how it looks when the Mystery Men kill someone.
LEIF
It wasn’t them.
CASPAR
Over in The Stone Fox I left a note saying I took Clementine’s deal. I guess this is what it looks like when we don’t take the deal.
LEIF
Damn, she killed the shit out of us.
GLORIA
This doesn’t make any sense, when we met Clementine she had never heard of us.
AVA
That was the Clementine we met.
LEIF
Infinite timelines...
CASPAR
Infinite Clementines.
GLORIA
Caspar, do me a favor and never say the words “Infinite Clementines” ever again.
AVA
So the Caspar in the Stone Fox takes Clementine’s deal, and the Stone Fox ends up here. These four versions of us get fricasseed by Clementine, and then this place winds up here.
GLORIA
How do those two places wind up here in this garden. How did any of them?
CASPAR
I don’t know, but I don’t think he’s collecting them because he likes nice things.
GLORIA
... Okay guys. That’s enough sight-seeing. Let’s get the show on the road.
CASPAR
Okay.
GLORIA
Standing here in the Knights of Halifax Bingo Hall is your last possible opportunity to object to the plan.
LEIF
...
AVA
...
CASPAR
I mean, calling it a plan is a little much.
LEIF
A prayer, maybe?
AVA
I think it sounds great.
GLORIA
Okay... let’s go.
DAVID EMERGES FROM THE DINER WITH THE MUCKLEWAINS IN HIS CELL PHONE.
DAVID
Okay, here’s how I see it. One of the few advantages we have over these guys is, they still think that you two are incapacitated. So now, here you are inside my phone, and they are none the wiser.
ZEBULON
That’s very shrewd of you, David, but what exactly will we be able to do with this advantage?
EFFIE
This is my question as well, David. Gloria has laid out the plan as clear as day, I’m not seeing an advantage to be pressed.
DAVID
See, the problem with you two is: neither of you have ever made art, illegally, at night.
ZEBULON
That is true, but I don’t see-
DAVID
Sometimes you need to leave the house without a plan. You fill up your backpack with paint cans and a thermos of cheap wine and you just let the night take you where you want to go.
EFFIE
David, Gloria’s plan is very specific-
DAVID
Shhhhh, it’s going to be great. Let’s go...
INSIDE THE CASTLE. KAZI, TETA, AND LIBUZA WALK INTO AN ENORMOUS DINING HALL.
TETA
Zero resistance so far.
LIBUZA
Is this place as enormous as it sounds?
KAZI
Yes, Libuza, it’s massive.
LIBUZA
What’s in the middle of the room?
KAZI
A very long dining table.
TETA
Looks like there’s a place set for each of us.
KAZI
... Then it happens here.
WE HEAR A TWIST AND A DISTORTION IN SPACE AND A PORTAL OPENS. WALKING THROUGH THE PORTAL IS KROK THE PROPIGATOR, FORMALLY KNOWN AS THE BENEFACTOR. AFTER A MOMENT...
KROK
My beautiful girls.
KAZI
... Father.
KROK
... I’ve dreamed of this moment for eons it seems. I left so many of my children behind in Andromeda. Such a shame to watch so many of them succumb to the vicissitudes of linear existence. I told myself again and again that the truly great ones will seek me out one day, so that we many be reunited. I nearly lost faith. But now, here we are. You three are the most exceptional of all my lineage, for you stand here in my dining hall. And we are reunited at last.
TETA
Yeah, hold that thought, Dad.
KAZI
Teta.
TETA OPENS FIRE ON KROK WITH HER ASSAULT RIFLE. SHE EMPTIES THE CLIP AND RELOADS. KROK IS UNHURT.
KAZI (CONT’D)
Teta, it’s pointless.
TETA
One sec.
TETA OPENS FIRE AGAIN, AND EMPTIES THE CLIP AGAIN.
KROK
May we move on?
TETA
Not quite yet.
TETA ACTIVATES THE FLAME THROWER ON HER ASSAULT RIFLE AND BATHES KROK IN FLAMES. HE WAITS PATIENTLY.
KROK
Is that the final volley?
TETA
One more.
TETA PULLS THE PIN ON A GRENADE AND TOSSES IT.
KAZI
Teta.
TETA
Just getting it out of my system.
THE GRENADE EXPLODES. KROK IS UNMOVED.
KROK
... Would anyone care for a drink?
TETA
All my cards are played.
TETA PULLS OUT A CHAIR AND SITS.
TETA (CONT’D)
How’s the beer in this place?
KROK
Right away, darling.
KAZI
...
LIBUZA
...
KROK
... If I’ve analyzed your dynamic correctly, Libuza will listen intently; Kazi, you will question unflinchingly; and Teta will wait for an opportunity to kill something.
TETA
That’s about right.
KROK
Very well. Kazi, shall we begin?
KAZI
... The reports of your death are greatly exaggerated.
KROK
(Laughing.)
Yes... I imagine by this late hour that you’ve deduced certain things regarding my origin. I am not, as previously thought, an enigmatic conqueror. Or at least that is not all I am. What I am is far more complex, but also much simpler.
There was a time before time. A time before space. Before gravity, before all of it. And it was in this time that I was, for lack of a better word, born.
Then suddenly all things moved from a realm of pure existence to... well, all of this you see around you. I stood and watched as the universe took shape. I bore witness as particles gained mass and exploded. I watched the universe decide what to be and then become it. All of it was quite a surprise. At first it was all heat and chaos, then a haze of gasses, and then, one by one, the stars emerged. Pinpricks in the curtain of night, all of it suddenly looking back at me. Then came a great dance as gravity began its processional. The stars moved toward each other, coalesced into galaxies. Then the oldest of the stars turned into dark knots in the sky. Endless vortices consuming all. A stunning mural, all of it.
LIBUZA
Can we skip to the part where you began torturing an entire galaxy of manufactured Earthlings?
KROK
... None of you has inherited my love of poetry, I see.
KAZI
I agree with Libuza, father. We haven’t come for poetry.
KROK
Very well. Where would you like me to start?
KAZI
What about your time in the Triad? You conquered several planets, created a paradise for a time. Was that all a fit of play acting from you? Were you just bored?
KROK
Not in the least, dear. It was yet another one of my plans. Sadly, a failed one.
KAZI
It was a thriving empire, you really see it as a failure?
KROK
A thriving empire was simply a healthy bi-product. It was never my true goal all those years ago.
KAZI
What was your true goal?
KROK
All of you, of course. My children. They weren’t calling me Krok the Propigator for nothing, dear.
LIBUZA
We were your goal?
KROK
Yes. And you turned out brilliantly. In the end I found that, though spreading my genetic code throughout the universe was a solution to my problem, it simply was not a scalable solution, so I felt it was time to move on. But all of you, really, such a beautiful mistake.
KAZI
Back home they see you as a legendary liberator, when in fact you were just trying to spread your seed throughout the cosmos.
LIBUZA
That’s disgusting.
TETA
Motherfucker’s setting up franchises.
KROK
From this point on, please try and remember that, though my tactics may seem dark, I have always had one bright goal through it all. For the lion’s share of my existence I have had one aim alone: preservation.
As the universe sought to define itself, I found that, as a being who existed before the universe, I was not bound by the new laws it had made for itself. Time, the destroyer of all, could not lay a hand on me. Space was mutable. I could, in one moment, have the lightness of a feather, and then in the next, pull stars into my orbit. Because I was sat outside the ebb and flow of the universe, I could see it in ways you could not imagine.
At the beginning of the universe I could glimpse something I had never before seen: an ending. This luminous universe that had just been born before me had only one path... entropy, darkness, death, nothingness.
Throughout the universe, these things are seen as inevitable. “All good things come to an end,” as the Earthlings say. They are not inevitable to me. I had come to love the universe, and that which we love must be protected.
KAZI
You’re trying to save the universe.
KROK
That I am, dear. But that is no small task, even for one such as myself. And that was compounded even further by my next discovery... that there is not one universe, but many. I then learned to travel through this great multi-verse. Surely, out there, somewhere, there was a universe that had learned how to circumvent its own ending. But alas, no. Despite the infinite nature of existence, it all travels toward an end. It left me with no choice but to seek out a new way for any universe to exist. A universe of balance. Of calm. A universe that is not so enamored with its own ending. I swore to use every ounce of my power to make it so.
But I would need allies. Who would aid me in this fight? And then, just as the stars came to life in the universe’s beginning, there was a new light coming into being. Bright spots in the darkness again... minds. Sentient minds, like my own, began to emerge in the universe. Primitive, to be sure, but, like myself, they could see the universe as I did. They could perceive its beginning and its end— contemplate it, dread it. I would make them my allies, and together we would make the world.
KAZI
You really see all those enslaved people as your partners?
KROK
I had already attempted partnership, dear. All those years ago in your galaxy, I was Krok the Propigator. Conqueror for the downtrodden. With might and with wisdom I would create a paradise in which we all could live.
KAZI
That’s exactly what you did.
KROK
And what happened? Where is that paradise now? It was rejected by them. No sentient mind will sit when the work is all done. Given a paradise for long enough, any sentient mind will turn it into a prison. There is something in them that rejects satisfaction. A new way must be found. And I found that new way forward in the unlikeliest of places.
GLORIA, AVA, CASPAR, AND LEIF ENTER THE DINING HALL.
KROK (CONT’D)
Ah. As if on cue. Welcome all, please make yourselves comfortable. Dinner will be served shortly.
GLORIA
(To Kazi.)
How’re you doing?
KAZI
Would you like an update?
GLORIA
We’ve been listening.
A MYSTERY MAN APPEARS WITH A CAN OF BEER AND A GLASS.
KROK
Teta, your aperitif has arrived.
TETA
Oh, look at this. Beverage service.
TETA CRACKS OPEN THE BEER.
TETA (CONT’D)
Keep the glass, Jeeves. So, they’re not just your soldiers, they’re your little manservants as well?
KROK
Everyone plays their part in our mission, no matter how insignificant it may seem. Please, everyone, sit.
GLORIA
I think we’ll stand for the time being.
KROK
I see. Too early yet for pleasantries?
GLORIA
You’re holding three children hostage, We’d like them released, please.
KROK
In due time, they shall be. We’ve much to discuss.
GLORIA
We are not your dinner guests.
KROK
You are not. You are my prisoners. Shall I treat you as prisoners, or my guests?
GLORIA
... Fine. Have a seat everyone.
EVERYONE HAS A SEAT AT THE TABLE.
KROK
Wonderful. Let me begin this evening by expressing my deepest respect for you all.
LEIF
You’ve been trying to kill us for weeks.
KROK
Precisely. And here you all sit. It’s quite an accomplishment. Becoming a worthy adversary of mine is no small feat. You have all been quite confounding at every turn. Had I not discerned how to silence that strange presence that lives inside that wooden box of yours I may still be chasing you through the galaxy. But, here we all are, and we can finally put all of this to rest. Won’t that be lovely?
GLORIA
...
CASPAR
...
AVA
...
LEIF
...
KROK
Yes... Let us pick up right where we left off. Before you arrived, I was explaining to my daughters how all of this came to be— this strange empire of mine.
As you all know, I was once a man they called Krok the Propigator. I was a conqueror of legend. A benevolent king. A husband. A father. And due to a series of unforeseen complications, my empire came tumbling down.
KAZI
Because you abandoned it.
KROK
Because it had failed... I was quite distraught. As you all know I have been searching for a way to save this universe and others like it— a way to bend time’s arrow into a circle... Balance in all things. And as I left my empire to crumble and left my daughters and their siblings behind, I began to wander the cosmos. I had such power and yet I found myself powerless to bend the sentient mind. It was, somehow, not enough to provide paradise. There was a missing element to my plans and it confounded me. So I wandered. And where did my wandering take me, would anyone like a guess?
AVA
Earth.
KROK
Correct, Doctor. There I found myself on Earth. Just a shrub of a planet, really. Not much to it. The dominant species was short lived and quite barbaric— no real accomplishments to speak of... But one day I found myself in a ruined city. One of your little wars had broken out and an ancient city had been obliterated. Citizens were gathering up what was left of their lives and running for the borders before another volley of fire came down from the sky. In those abandoned streets, I began to hear a voice. I followed the sound to one of those ruined buildings and I stepped inside. It was a theater. Three people sat in the seats. One man stood on stage, a text in his hand. He read to the others... telling them a story. Death could’ve come at any moment, but rather than run, there they all sat. I was astounded by it. They should be running for their lives, but instead they took refuge in a story that they shared together... I’d never seen anything quite like it... Their reality was grim, their lives in danger. The best they could do was flee the city with all the others— but there they sat... they would abandon their reality for a story they could share together... You see, every race has it’s crowning achievement. On Teta’s planet they are all warriors, the most fearsome you’d ever face.
On Libuza’s planet they learned to listen to the cosmos itself. Kazi’s race had learned the art of wondrous and terrifying transformation. And for the Earthlings... the stories you tell. An Earthling will abandon all facts, all figures, all safety for the sake of a well wrought story. Stories of heroes and villains and beasts and unrequited love, it’s truly fantastic stuff. I have never encountered a race so adept at staving off reality as you all are. The terrible men you diefy, the ugliness you beatify, the murders you transform into poetry. It’s astounding. And it is with this aspect, I thought to myself, that I shall finally save the universe.
CASPAR
... Just chiming in here as the resident idiot, but I have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about.
KROK
Oh, but you absolutely do, Caspar.
CASPAR
Oh, I do, huh?
KROK
Of course. Look at the story you tell yourself. Over a century ago you were, due to no fault of your own, abducted by a mysterious construct from beyond space and time. And over the ensuing decades, said to yourself that if you hold on long enough, this random and unfortunate happening will somehow reunite you with the son that you had lost.
CASPAR
It did reunite me with the son I had lost.
KROK
Caspar. That boy is not your son. You met him, for the first time, just a few short months ago... But what is the story you’ve been telling yourself?
CASPAR
...
KROK
Don’t feel alone in your delusion. Look to your dear leader. Gloria had her life meticulously stripped away from her one layer at a time. Her parents, gone. Her lovely little restaurant, gone. But she shall climb aboard a mysterious vessel and begin to tell herself a story of freedom fighters and justice... What of the pirate?
Leif will insist that he hates his home world and prattle on about how they’ve disappointed him one too many times.
LEIF
That’s true.
KROK
Is it? Let’s see what we can pluck out of the ether, shall we?
WE SUDDENLY HEAR THE VOICE OF YOUNG LEIF.
YOUNG LEIF
I know Earth is a backwater caveman convention but as it turns out, I was one of the smartest guys living there. So smart that I invented something that would change everything. At the bottom of an abandoned gold mine I performed a miracle. I pulled energy out of nothing. Like a magic trick. A thirty million dollar magic trick. The first time my team saw all the lights come up on the energy register they all cheered, lost their minds. We had just changed the world... In that moment of monumental change, all I remember is fear. It was terrifying for me because I suddenly realized: “Oh no. I’m going to have to be the unlimited energy guy for the rest of my life.” I would have to make speeches and inspire people and have books written about me. What if I didn’t want to be that guy? What if I just wanted to make something cool and then move on?
KROK
... You’re not disappointed in Earth, Leif. You’re disappointed in yourself for being young and stupid... And then there’s the doctor. The one above it all. The one who sees existence as simply fermions and bosons. But rest assured that none of you feel things more deeply than this woman. None of you strive more fervently for meaning than the one of you who insists that there is no meaning at all... Do you not see the power of the stories you tell yourselves? Do you not see how thoroughly you rebuke the reality that presses down upon you? Do you not see how powerful it is? It is perhaps the most powerful force in any universe... I shall do great things with the Earthlings that I have made. Together we shall rebuke the reality we have been given, and make the universe anew.
GLORIA
Now who’s telling themself a story?
KROK
Yes. Perhaps I am. But I believe in the power of my story. Do you?
SEVERAL MYSTERY MEN APPEAR IN THE ROOM.
KROK (CONT’D)
Drinks before dinner, then?
WE MOVE BACK TO DAVID AND THE MUCKLEWAINS. WE HEAR THE SOUND OF GLASS BREAKING AND THEN A DEADBOLT BEING UNLOCKED. A DOOR OPENS AND WE HEAR A CHIME.
EFFIE
Well, what have we here?
DAVID
Looks like an old arcade. “The Warp Zone.” Kind of appropriate.
ZEBULON
What goes on in a place like this?
DAVID
Just another stop in the long progression of places a human being hangs out. When you’re a kid it’s places like this, an arcade with a shitty drink machine. Then you get older and move on to bars and coffee shops... I mean, I imagine, anyway. There weren’t a lot places like this left when I was a kid but I bet Caspar hung out in them all the time. Looks like there’s no power, so you can’t tell, but each one of these big things would light up and there would be a different game you could play.
ZEBULON
I’m sure all sorts of evil plans were hatched here by the youth of the world.
DAVID
Well, you have to hatch your evil plans somewhere. Where was it for y’all?
EFFIE
We had no evil plans to hatch when we were young, David, we were very well behaved children.
DAVID
Uh huh. But where was it? C’mon, school lets out and everybody goes somewhere out of the prying eyes of adults.
ZEBULON
Well, I suppose that was Dan Gentry’s old cabin.
EFFIE
Yes, well, I suppose that’s true. Dan Gentry had his land bought by the state so they could build a state road through it. Took the money he made and scooted off to New Orleans, never heard from again. His cabin was in disrepair and fell in a storm, but the fireplace still stood and two of the walls. We’d end up there from time to time.
ZEBULON
The young boys had a tendency to settle their grievances there, hopefully with a rock skipping contest and not with fisticuffs. Dear, you hid your slingshot there.
EFFIE
Why yes, that is true. I had a slingshot that my mother did not approve of, so I kept it there amongst the rubble.
DAVID
All these buildings... they’re all public places.
ZEBULON
How do you mean, David?
DAVID
A diner, a movie theater, an arcade. It’s never just somebody’s house or something. It’s always a place people go to.
ZEBULON
Yes, that is true, isn’t it? I do find that to be deliberate.
DAVID
Why?
EFFIE
One can go their whole life without knowing their neighbor. If, in the morning, one turns one way and their neighbor turns the other, they may as well be a hundred miles apart.
ZEBULON
Something special about a crossroads. Something sacred about those places where lives intersect. Much harder to make a man your enemy when you share the same space.
DAVID
How come we haven’t seen any churches?
EFFIE
That is a bit odd, isn’t it? Then again, for a diner you need a kitchen. You can make a church out of any old thing.
ZEBULON
Many a fine sermon cometh from the corner of one’s kitchen table, David.
DAVID
One of the games is still working.
EFFIE
Come again?
DAVID
The arcade games are all off except for that one.
EFFIE
Let’s have a look at it.
DAVID
... “Prize Cube”... It’s a claw game.
EFFIE
What’s that mean?
DAVID
See that claw? You put a quarter in and you move the claw over one of the prizes down there and you try to grab it.
ZEBULON
Sounds enjoyable.
EFFIE
What do we think keeps the lights on for this one?
DAVID
I don’t know.
ZEBULON
Well... does anyone have a quarter?
DAVID
I don’t.
EFFIE
We’ve got a piggy bank up on the shelf but there’s scarce ways of us getting it to you.
DAVID
Forgive me my sins, y’all, but I don’t need a quarter.
EFFIE
Do tell.
DAVID
Sometimes things like this, they don’t need a quarter, they just need to think you gave them a quarter.
ZEBULON
How do you intend to deceive this machine, David?
DAVID
By kicking it very hard.
EFFIE
I appreciate the directness. Give it a whuppin’.
DAVID
Here we go.
DAVID KICKS THE MACHINE VERY HARD AND A SONG BEGINS TO PLAY.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Beautiful. I can now move the claw.
ZEBULON
David, if you wouldn’t mind, I’ve got my eye on that pink sheep right over in the corner.
DAVID
Pink sheep. Let’s do it. Here we go.
DAVID STARTS TO MOVE THE CLAW.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Okay... I am now perfectly positioned over the sheep. Pressing the button.
DAVID PRESSES THE BUTTON BUT NOTHING HAPPENS.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Hm... should I ask for my money back?
ZEBULON
Y’all... is there something a bit peculiar about that claw?
EFFIE
How do you mean, dear?
INSIDE THE CUBE THE CLAW BEGINS TO MOVE.
EFFIE (CONT’D)
... David is that you moving that claw around?
DAVID
I’m not touching it.
ZEBULON
I would say it’s less like a claw and more an... arm?
INSIDE THE CUBE THE “CLAW” BEGINS TO VIOLENTLY THRASH AROUND.
EFFIE
David, step back.
DAVID
What the hell is it?
THE CLAW THRASHES AROUND SO HARD THAT IT BREAKS THE GLASS ON THE GAME. THE ARM DISCONNECTS FROM THE GAME AND HOPS DOWN TO THE FLOOR.
EFFIE
Yes, dear, confirmed. That is an arm.
ZEBULON
But it appears to be made of scrap metal and what-nots.
THE ARM SKITTERS LEFT AND RIGHT FOR A MOMENT THEN STOPS AND “LOOKS” AT THEM.
DAVID
Is the arm looking at us?
EFFIE
How does an arm “look”?
THE ARM SUDDENLY STARTS MOVING. IT HOPS PAST THEM AND OUT THE FRONT DOOR OF THE ARCADE.
DAVID
... Are we supposed to follow the arm?
EFFIE
I suppose?
ZEBULON
Perhaps it would be rude not to?
DAVID
Let’s go.
DAVID EXITS THE ARCADE. THE ARM IS HOPPING AWAY FROM THEM.
DAVID (CONT’D) That way.
EFFIE
Mind how you move, David. We’re not welcome in this place.
ZEBULON
I imagine that arm isn’t either and it’s making quite a spectacle of itself.
DAVID
... Which way did it go?
EFFIE
It’s a squirrelly little thing, ain’t it?
WE HEAR THE ARM KNOCKING ON A WALL AND JUMPING UP AND DOWN.
DAVID
There it is.
ZEBULON
Dear, have we not seen an appendage such as this before?
EFFIE
Have we?
ZEBULON
I seem to recall-
EFFIE
Even Older Leif.
DAVID
What are you talking about?
ZEBULON
For a time, we kept company with another one of what appears to be myriad Leifs.
EFFIE
Only this one was much older and he’d been through quite a life. He had himself a left arm that wasn’t nothing but metallic parts.
ZEBULON
I hear tell he could unhook it from itself and it had a mind of it’s own.
DAVID
There’s some older version of Leif around here somewhere?
EFFIE
Well if there is, he’s down one arm.
ZEBULON
What in the world is it doing?
DAVID
It’s knocking on the wall and... does it need our help?
ZEBULON
It would appear to.
EFFIE
Help with what exactly?
ZEBULON
Not sure, but it does appear urgent.
DAVID
It keeps knocking on the wall.
EFFIE
... That ain’t no wall, that’s a door.
DAVID
How do you know?
EFFIE
Because it’s giving me that “I ain’t a wall” feeling.
DAVID
That’s not a real feeling.
ZEBULON
I suppose it needs our assistance.
DAVID
Okay, give it some assistance.
ZEBULON
Not sure how we do that, David.
DAVID
Don’t you guys just pray and then things happen?
ZEBULON
Well, I would argue that’s an oversimplification of the role that prayer should play in one’s life-
EFFIE
Oh dear, who are we kidding? Of course that’s what happens.
DAVID
Well then whip your bible out, make something happen.
EFFIE
Give me your hand, dear... Lord, we beseech you standing outside this door pretending to be a wall, and we ask that you aid us in returning this lonesome appendage to it’s rightful owner.
ZEBULON
Your love, oh lord, joins us to each other. Let it now join this wayward arm to its shoulder.
THERE IS A BEEP AND THE WALL SLIDES OPEN REVEALING A SECRET PASSAGE.
DAVID
Look at that!
THE ARM QUICKLY SKITTERS DOWN THE HALL OF THE ANCIENT PASSAGE.
DAVID (CONT’D)
There it goes... What do you think, should we follow it?... Guys?... Mucklewains?... Shit, where did you go?... Great... I guess I’m following the arm...
DAVID TAKES OFF DOWN THE SECRET PASSAGE AS WE MOVE BACK TO KROK’S CASTLE. MYSTERY MEN APPEAR AND APPROACH THE TABLE. PLATES ARE PUT ON THE TABLE AND THEIR COVERS ARE REMOVED.
KROK
Dinner is served. In honor of your presence, I’ve made chicken.
GLORIA
... Chicken?
KROK
Yes. You’re fond of chickens on your planet, are you not? It’s a veritable chicken holocaust back on Earth, what would be more fitting? Please, enjoy.
AVA
... So... how does this work exactly?
KROK
Can you be more specific, Doctor?
AVA
“To bend time’s arrow into a circle.” That’s what you said.
KROK
Correct.
AVA
You want to fundamentally change how the universe works.
KROK
I do.
AVA
And so you’ve set up this galactic petri dish, trying to find the perfect way to do that.
KROK
Yes.
AVA
By controlling the minds of humans.
KROK
Ah. I thought I’d encounter your particular brand of cosmological fatalism, Doctor. You, of course, believe that the universe is an uncaring tide of particles carrying us along. You believe that the universe is... how did you put it?
WE HEAR THE VOICE OF AVA IN THE INTERRODROME.
AVA
(From recording)
How it works is: people like to say that the universe is a harsh and uncaring place, but for the universe to not care about you is to assume that it ever considered you in the first place. The universe? It doesn’t notice you. It has never considered you. You are not on its mind. You are just a particular configuration of dust. You are a rounding error. You are the least of the universe.
KROK
You believe the universe would carry on without us, were we not here. That the universe careens toward an end wether we observe it or not.
AVA
Yes.
KROK
You are incorrect, doctor. The mind of the observer is essential to the life of the universe. You’ve seen this yourself on your planet, in your dalliances with quantum physics.
The universe behaves as a very different thing when it’s being observed, does it not? An observing mind guides a universe. Shapes it. If one controls the observing mind, they control the universe.
AVA
You cannot control the universe just by thinking about it.
KROK
Not alone, no. Not even I can do that. But a galaxy of minds thinking in unison, that is something else entirely. Two galaxies? Three? A million? Then things begin to change. Then you begin to shape it to your will.
AVA
Even if that were true, it’s an impossible task.
KROK
For one so short-lived as yourself, of course it is. But I have billions of years to enact my plan.
LEIF
And there’s only one thing standing in your way.
KROK
There are many things standing in my way, Leif. You just saw them on display in my garden. Curious little constructs flying through the multiverse like antibodies, all in ridiculous forms. Diners, bars, cafes, adorable little bookshops. They are ridiculous and they confounded my work. They needed to be stopped. But I was a very busy man. I had not the patience to seek them out myself. So I made a weapon.
LEIF
Your weapon didn’t work, we escaped Pasadena.
KROK
Not that weapon, Leif. The first weapon. I’m sure we all remember this song of the summer...
WE SUDDENLY HEAR CLEMENTINE’S VOICE.
CLEMENTINE
Time is the substance I am made of. Time is a river that sweeps me along, but I am the river; it is a tiger which destroys me, but I am the tiger; it is a fire which consumes me... but I am the fire.
KROK
Clementine was incredibly efficient. She felt inexorably drawn to constructs such as yours, and when she found them, she offered a simple choice to those within. She would give you your heart’s desire or she would give you oblivion. And in universe after universe it worked. These constructs were all abandoned one way or the other. And when they were abandoned, that’s when I could remove them from the board.
CASPAR
The diner doesn’t work when nobody’s inside it.
KROK
Correct. When they are abandoned, they sleep. For eons sometimes, until they are discovered again. And when they sleep I can bring them here where they will never be discovered. The process was very efficient. Clementine was my hunting dog and I, the hunter. But then...
LEIF
Then we defeated Clementine.
KROK
That’s correct, Leif. In universe after universe, Clementine was successful... until she met you all. And then, after she was defeated by you, it was as if the spell had been broken. She was defeated time and time again, as if all these disparate constructs were learning from each other... There is something different about that diner of yours. I’m not sure what. But it’s no matter, because now I have it. It shall sleep here forever and I may continue my work.
GLORIA
And what happens to us?
KROK
You shall remain here as well. You shall be my guests here on my planet for the remainder of your days. Please don’t see it as a prison. I shall provide you with everything you desire. Kazi, Libuza, Teta, you may all be released. I shall return you to your ship and you may go with my blessing.
CASPAR
Why not let us go with them?
KROK
An abundance of caution. The good doctor does excel at finding these constructs in the wilds of the universe, I can’t have you released only to trouble me again. My daughters may leave because I love them, and also because I find the work they do to be irrelevant.
MORE MYSTERY MEN APPEAR.
KROK (CONT’D)
Ah. The second course has arrived. Another homage to our Earthling friends.
THE MYSTERY MEN REMOVE THE COVERS FROM THE PLATES.
KROK (CONT’D)
... Hot Pockets.
GLORIA
Jesus Christ.
WE MOVE TO A SPOT DEEP INSIDE KROK’S LAIR. TWO MYSTERY MEN WALK DOWN THE HALL.
MYSTERY MAN 1
I can’t believe he finally caught it.
MYSTERY MAN 2
I thought it’d be bigger.
MYSTERY MAN 1
Or more frightening. It doesn’t look like much at all.
MYSTERY MAN 2
You there. What’s your current assignment?
ZEBULON IS SOMEHOW INHABITING ONE OF THE MYSTERY MENS’ SUITS AND IS TRYING TO ACT CASUAL.
ZEBULON
Ah yes. Hello there. Just looking for a... mop. I was told to clean the floors.
MYSTERY MAN 2
A mop?
MYSTERY MAN 1
Why not have one of the droids do it?
ZEBULON
Yes, well, you see there is a certain value in doing a thing with one’s own two hands, or so I’m told. Can’t take pride in your work if something’s doing it for you.
MYSTERY MAN 1
Do we even have a mop?
MYSTERY MAN 2
I’ve never seen one. Check down in article confinement— we may have taken one from one of the constructs.
ZEBULON
Yes, will do! Thank you for your assistance!
THE MYSTERY MEN KEEP WALKING.
MYSTERY MAN 2
Weird.
MYSTERY MAN 1
Must be a new processing regimen.
ZEBULON WAITS FOR THEM TO GO, THEN BEGINS TO CREEP DOWN THE HALL.
ZEBULON
Dear?... Are you there, dear?... I seem to have stumbled backwards into the raiments worn by our captors... Dear?
ANOTHER MYSTERY MAN BEGINS TO WALK DOWN THE HALL TOWARDS ZEBULON.
ZEBULON (CONT’D)
Oh my...
ZEBULON ACTS CAUSAL BY WHISTLING AS HE WALKS. THE OTHER MYSTERY MAN STOPS.
ZEBULON (CONT’D)
Good afternoon to you. Just on a hunt for a mop, perhaps you’ve seen one?
THE OTHER MYSTERY MAN IS EFFIE.
EFFIE
Zebulon.
ZEBULON
Dear?
EFFIE
What in the world are you doing in there?
ZEBULON
I should ask you the same.
EFFIE
We opened the door, next thing I know I’m in one of these get ups.
ZEBULON
The same for me.
EFFIE
Have you seen David?
ZEBULON
No dear, I’ve been wandering up and down the halls.
EFFIE
A mop, Zebulon?
ZEBULON
Yes, I engaged them in a bit of deception, telling them I needed a mop. I believe it is working.
EFFIE
Zebulon, any minute one of them is going to notice that there ain’t no one inside these garments but our disembodied voices.
ZEBULON
Yes, dear. It’s an imperiled position to be in, no doubt. Though, the lord has never put us in a place we didn’t need to be.
EFFIE
Zebulon, I am increasingly frustrated by the vagaries of our lord and savior.
ZEBULON
A bit of directness would be appreciated.
EFFIE
Indeed.
ZEBULON
A burning bush perhaps.
EFFIE
Spoke to Moses right out of the durn clouds.
ZEBULON
But we are, of course, grateful for his movements.
EFFIE
... Yes. Of course. Gratitude... What are we to do now?
ZEBULON
Well, I say first thing is, we find ourselves a mop.
EFFIE
Shh. Hold up... Do you hear that, dear?
ZEBULON
I’m afraid not, dear.
EFFIE
... Come on this way. I’m getting a strange feeling.
ZEBULON
Lead the way.
WE MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA. WE HEAR THE ROBOTIC ARM MAKING IT’S WAY DOWN ONE OF THE MANY HALLWAYS AS DAVID FOLLOWS IT.
DAVID
What are we doing here, robot arm? Make a move, I’m in a hostile environment.
THE ARM STOPS AND BEGINS JUMPING UP AND DOWN.
DAVID (CONT’D)
What? What is it?... You want me to open this door?... Be honest, robot arm, is this going to kill me?... That’s not a definitive answer... fuck it.
DAVID PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE WALL AND THE DOOR SLIDES OPEN. THE ARM “RUNS” INTO THE ROOM.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Hello? Am I supposed to follow you?
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF THE ARM BEING PICKED UP OFF THE FLOOR AND A SERIES OF SERVOS ATTACHING THE ARM TO A BODY.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Hello?
SOMEONE WALKS OUT OF THE DARKNESS.
CYBORG DAVID
Thanks for the hand, David.
DAVID
... Holy shit.
BACK TO THE MUCKLEWAINS. ZEBULON IS WHISTLING AGAIN.
EFFIE
... Dear.
ZEBULON
Yes, dear.
EFFIE
Your whistling is not making us appear as nonchalant as you may think.
ZEBULON
Is it not?
EFFIE
No, dear.
ZEBULON
Nothing to fear from a man who’s whistling, I say.
EFFIE
Hush up.
ZEBULON
... Why the hushing, dear?
EFFIE
Couple of ne’er do wells around the corner, they look like they’re guarding something.
ZEBULON
What shall we do about it?
EFFIE
I’m going to loiter my way up to them, act like I own the place.
ZEBULON
Very well.
EFFIE
Follow my lead, husband.
EFFIE AND ZEBULON STEP AROUND THE CORNER.
EFFIE (CONT’D)
How do, gents. We’re here to relieve you of your duties.
MYSTERY MAN 3 Already?
MYSTERY MAN 4
We just got started.
EFFIE
Ain’t that the way? Bit of a change in the old duty roster, looks like you made out well, your shift just got a might bit shorter.
ZEBULON
Small blessing, I say.
MYSTERY MAN 3
Okay... hell, I’m not going to argue. Let’s go, Jonsey.
MYSTERY MAN 4
Sounds good to me.
EFFIE
Anything we need to know?
MYSTERY MAN 4
Need to know? You stand here and get bored until someone comes to relieve you. Y’know, like it always is.
EFFIE
Very good then.
ZEBULON
Nice to be blessed with work.
MYSTERY MAN 3
Sure. For the balance.
EFFIE
Yes indeed, y’all. All sorts of love for that balance.
THEY WAIT FOR THE TWO MEN TO WALK AWAY.
EFFIE (CONT’D)
Well, ain’t that a thing?
ZEBULON
It’s as my father always said, the right set of clothes at the right time can get you in all sorts of doors.
EFFIE
Let’s have a look at what they’re keeping safe.
EFFIE AND ZEBULON WALK INTO A ROOM FULL OF SEVERAL GLOWING SPHERES.
ZEBULON
Hmm... Spheres.
EFFIE
Looks like a crystal ball farm in here.
ZEBULON
Not sure what all these luminous globes could be about dear, but they were under guard.
EFFIE
Alright now, Lord. You brought me here and time is of the essence, you want to give me some sort of a sign?... I don’t know why I even ask anymore. I’m taking a globe, Lord.
EFFIE GRABS ONE OF THE SPHERES.
EFFIE (CONT’D)
Let’s find David, Zebulon.
ZEBULON
Am I to take one as well, dear?
EFFIE
No.
ZEBULON
Alright then.
WE MOVE BACK TO THE DAVIDS SNEAKING DOWN THE HALLWAY.
DAVID
Hey... Hey!
CYBORG DAVID
What?
DAVID
What is happening? Who... you’re me.
CYBORG DAVID
Yeah. What? Oh... first time?
DAVID
What do you mean?
CYBORG DAVID
You haven’t met yourself yet?
DAVID
No.
CYBORG DAVID
Damn, how long have you been doing this?
DAVID
I don’t know, a few weeks.
CYBORG DAVID
Oh damn. And you ended up here?
DAVID
Yeah.
CYBORG DAVID
Sorry about that, I got to have a lot more fun before I hit the dark shit.
DAVID
How did you get here?
CYBORG DAVID
Okay, can we do the catching up to speed thing while we’re escaping?
DAVID
Fine.
THEY KEEP SNEAKING THROUGH THE HALLWAYS.
CYBORG DAVID
We had a good group for a while. Dane and Deb were a married couple who ran the place, Vincent Yu was an appliance repair guy— he kept all the video games running. Then there was Jean-Luc. Jean-Luc Gebeau. He was crazy. He was this Quebecois seperatist, really good at blowing shit up. Came in handy sometimes but that was his solution to everything, you know? “Fuck dem, I make bomb.”
DAVID
What happened to them?
CYBORG DAVID
Clementine. We were on the trail of this... I still don’t know how to describer her. She could do anything and she really hated that we kept tracking her down. Eventually she made us all a deal. She could give us whatever we wanted as long as we left. Dane and Deb were ready to pack it in, they got an alpaca farm.
Vincent wanted to go back to something called the “Taiwan Miracle,” and Jen-Luc finally got to see his dream of a free and independent Quebec.
DAVID
Why didn’t you take a deal?
CYBORG DAVID
You’re me. Would you?
DAVID
... No.
CYBORG DAVID
Besides. Dad had already told me all about her. I knew what she was about. I mean, her story was different from the story Dad told me, but it was the same vibe. It was down to just me and we just talked and talked and talked... eventually she gave up on me... Then these guys showed up again.
DAVID
Again? You’ve been here before?
CYBORG DAVID
Part of the gig. Nothing ever repeats but it does look pretty damn familiar.
DAVID
I’m so confused.
CYBORG DAVID I know.
DAVID
If you got on board the diner how did you end up in an arcade?
EFFIE
David?
DAVID
Effie?
ZEBULON
Davids?
DAVID
Zebulon?
EFFIE
What on God’s green Earth?
CYBORG DAVID
What the hell is this?
DAVID
It’s the Mucklewains.
CYBORG DAVID
The who?
DAVID
The Mucklewains.
CYBORG DAVID
What are you talking about?
DAVID
You didn’t meet the Mucklewains?
CYBORG DAVID
So, when I say I don’t know what you’re talking about-
DAVID
There’s a radio on the counter, there are two people inside it, they can inhabit different things?
CYBORG DAVID
Nope.
EFFIE
Well, here’s a conversation that doesn’t need to happen immediately.
DAVID
Effie, why do you have a glowing sphere?
ZEBULON
We’re not clear on that one, David.
CYBORG DAVID
Whatever, explain later. Let’s go!
WE MOVE BACK TO KROK’S CASTLE. TETA IS FINISHING HER FOURTH BEER AND CRUSHING THE CAN.
LEIF
(To Gloria.)
I can’t fucking take this anymore.
GLORIA
Stick with the plan.
TETA
So tell me, Dad. What’s this going to look like? This perfect universe of yours. Sounds kind of boring, if you ask me.
KROK
I’m afraid that to describe a universe that is outside the reach of time and space is nearly impossible to one such as you, Teta.
TETA
Right. Boring.
LIBUZA
Why couldn’t I see you?... I’ve been blaming myself for not knowing you were there. I could see everything else coming but not you.
KROK
No need to blame yourself, dear. It is not simply my origins that obscure me from your vision. I’ve taken many precautions so that my work was not disturbed. It’s why I’ve gone to such pains to eliminate your friends and their insufferable diner. Always, in my endeavors, there were these constructs. Stumbling haphazardly into thwarting me.
GLORIA
We’re not stumbling haphazardly. You don’t think we do this for a reason?
KROK
I know of reasons, and I do not care about your reasons. I care about mine. You seem to think of yourselves as helpers. As samaritans. Allow me to pose this question: Is it helpful to unmoor the raft from the reeds in the river if all that awaits is a waterfall? All these people you claim to be helping, they are all headed for darkness and oblivion. Aren’t all of you exhausted? The rise and fall of empire, the ebb and flow of disease, the interruption of paradise by the serpent? I know you’ve all felt it. That unease. “Oh God, another year.”
What if you’re doing it to yourselves? What if the decay of all things is not an immutable law? What if, my friends, we make the world?
CASPAR
Yeah, it all sounds fascinating until I remember that you’re torturing an entire galaxy.
KROK
Yes, there is that. Unfortunate. Grist for the mill, I’m afraid. Should I not sacrifice one galaxy to save countless others?
GLORIA
I don’t feel saved. Any one else here feel saved? When does the saving start? That sounds nice.
KROK
Patience, Gloria.
GLORIA
Your whole plan hinges on you being right. Are you right?
KROK
I am.
GLORIA
Are you sure? History’s full of people apologizing for their “solution” to society’s ills. They all say they’re right at first.
KROK
I believe I’m a bit different, Gloria.
GLORIA
They all say that too. Everything hinges on you being right— and if you’re wrong? You’ve created trillions of souls only to torture them. They will not be open to hearing your apology.
KROK
I will be thanked. In the end.
GLORIA
In the end... In the end... Ever waited tables, Krok?
KROK
Are you being serious?
GLORIA
I’ve done it my whole life... It’s interesting, waiting tables. It’s psychologically very interesting. People are nice, generally speaking. But for some reason when you sit them down at a table in a restaurant, this thing takes over. Because they suddenly have a little power now, right? Now they can decide wether or not you get a good tip. They’re suddenly sitting in judgement of your performance. You give them a little bit of power and that’s when they start to have ideas.
“Why isn’t she doing this? Why isn’t she doing it the way that I would do it? Can you believe the service in this place?” Lots of ideas. And the ideas, of course, come mostly from people who have never waited a table in their life... I’ve spent a lot of time in my life having to deal with people who have power over me. And they always have lots of ideas. And you know what I don’t think I can take any more of? People and their fucking ideas. I’m so sick of it. It’s just a battlefield of ideas out there, and you know what? I don’t think I’ve ever had an idea in my life. I just helped people. I brought them some food or a cup of coffee and moved onto the next table. And then along come the people with power and ideas. All they do is make my life harder... Someone as powerful as you, do you have any idea how much unmitigated joy you could create if you stopped having ideas and just helped people?... I’m so sick of it... You’re holding three children hostage. Release the children and let’s get on with this.
KROK
Anything else, Gloria?
GLORIA
Your chicken was dry. Let’s go, everyone. We need to say some goodbyes.
THE DOOR OPENS TO THE ARCADE AND THE DAVIDS SNEAK INSIDE.
CYBORG DAVID
So they live in your radio but they also leave the radio and live inside other stuff?
DAVID
Yeah, it’s like a poltergeist/possession movie, but nice.
CYBORG DAVID
Wild.
DAVID
Nothing like that in here?
CYBORG DAVID
No... I do feel like Donkey Kong Jr. Is talking to me sometimes but that may be my imagination.
DAVID
So what are you going to do?
CYBORG DAVID
I’ve got a good hiding spot in the back room. I’ll wait there and eventually this place will light up. As long as there’s someone inside, it’ll start working.
DAVID
Then what?
CYBORG DAVID
Then? It’s the next place and the next. Some people will stay, some will go. That’s the life. That’s life.
DAVID
I’ve got to ask about the arm.
CYBORG DAVID
Oh yeah. You know, Leif told me to stay out of the Justine Burbank system. It happens.
DAVID
So, if you got on board the diner, how did you end up here?
CYBORG DAVID
It was time to move on.
DAVID
... If you’ve been here before, can you tell me how we get out of this?
CYBORG DAVID
I could. But remember it never repeats itself... Look I know this looks pretty bleak. I’m standing here. I’m alone. I’ve got a janky robot arm... Remember that dude who owned the comic book shop?
DAVID
Gregory?
CYBORG DAVID
Gregory the God of Chaos. He paid us a hundred dollars to clear out his storage space and load up a U-Haul.
DAVID
I remember.
CYBORG DAVID
We were running out of couch surfing options at the moment, so what did we do?
DAVID
We made a copy of his key and slept in his storage space for two months.
CYBORG DAVID
That’s right. Then along came Kevin.
DAVID
Kevin.
CYBORG DAVID
Sweet guy.
DAVID
Way too much broadway memorabilia.
CYBORG DAVID
And he was mortified when we first went over to his house.
DAVID
Because he slept on a mattress on the floor, no box spring. But we didn’t care.
CYBORG DAVID
Because we had been sleeping in a storage space for two months.
DAVID
Why are you telling me this?
CYBORG DAVID
I know it’s a silly little story but... We survive because of the things we’ve survived. You want to know how you get out of this?... I’m sorry, David... You don’t. But you’ll survive. Every bullet makes you more bulletproof.
EFFIE
(From outside.)
Best get a move on David!
CYBORG DAVID
I don’t know when this thing’s going to take off. I’d hate to scoop you up on accident.
DAVID
Alright.
CYBORG DAVID
I mean, you can come along if you want, but— I don’t know, two of us?
DAVID
It’s bad for the brand.
CYBORG DAVID
It’s bad for the brand.
DAVID
... Good luck, David.
CYBORG DAVID
You too, David.
DAVID WALKS OUT OF THE ARCADE.
DAVID
Y’all?
EFFIE
Psst. David. Over here.
ZEBULON
Behind the topiary, David.
DAVID
Is it weird that I like the funny voices on you two?
EFFIE
David, you can take that humor and put it in your back pocket for the time being, thank you very much.
ZEBULON
David, we believe it’s time to extricate ourselves from these odd garments.
DAVID
Okay.
EFFIE
Take the sphere. Get out your phone.
DAVID
Holding sphere. Phone out.
EFFIE
Get in there, husband.
ZEBULON
On my way.
THE TWO MYSTERY MEN SUITS SUDDENLY GO LIFELESS AND FALL TO THE GROUND.
EFFIE
(Back in David’s phone.)
Well. This ain’t much better but at least we’re a bit more clandestine.
ZEBULON
What of the other David?
DAVID
I guess he hides out in there until the thing takes off.
EFFIE
Not a bad disposition for a man that’s one quarter junkyard.
DAVID
Yeah...
ZEBULON
... David, I imagine that was mighty unnerving to see your mirror image.
DAVID
... What are we doing?
EFFIE
I don’t think any of us really know, David.
DAVID
I’m standing here with a glowing ball.
ZEBULON
Could’ve gone much worse, David.
DAVID
... This is probably a piece of sporting equipment. They probably throw this through a hoop or something.
EFFIE
David. I’m thinking that maybe you had some high hopes for this unplanned little venture of ours.
DAVID
... Maybe I did.
ZEBULON
We admire your fortitude in the face of all this, David.
DAVID
I can’t believe this is their plan.
EFFIE
I know, David.
DAVID
It’s not even a plan, it’s just... I don’t even know what to call it.
ZEBULON
David, they are, like so many people out there in that ocean of existence, just trying to wring a drop of the possible from the impossible. Such an act can lead one to some very odd places. Such as the place we find ourselves now.
WE BEGIN TO HEAR THE SISTERS’ SHIP COMING IN FOR A LANDING.
EFFIE
I know you were just trying to turn it all around, David. We admire your hopefulness.
DAVID
... I feel like we were just getting started.
EFFIE
I know, David.
DAVID
... The Sisters’ ship is coming in for a landing... I guess this is it.
WE HEAR THE MASSIVE DOORS OF KROK’S KEEP BEGIN TO OPEN. AS EVERYONE EMERGES, THREE LAUGHING CHILDREN RUN UP TO LIBUZA AND HUG HER LEGS.
LIBUZA
Oh! Hello there, I’d recognize those voices anywhere. How are you three? Listen close, listen close... do you see that great big ship all the way over there? We’re all getting into that big ship! Isn’t that fun? And we have a special room picked out just for you. Can you help me walk towards it?
TETA
C’mere, you little shitheads, who wants a piggyback ride?
LIBUZA AND TETA WALK WITH THE CHILDREN TOWARDS THE SHIP.
KROK
Ah, that’s lovely. It warms the heart, does it not?
GLORIA
You killed their sister, you want to knock it off with the genial bullshit?
KROK
... I’m going to enjoy these years we’re going to spend together, Gloria. It shall be my personal mission to bring you around to my side of things. It’s not so monstrous as you might think.
GLORIA
So nice to have a dream, Krok. We’re going to say our goodbyes and then we can... then we’re all yours.
KROK
Lovely. Please take your time, you have the rest of your lives.
WE HEAR THE CHILDREN RUNNING UP THE RAMP TO THE SHIP.
TETA
Get your buns in there, kids. Don’t press any buttons, you’re going to blow up the whole thing!
DAVID
Is that Maloo’s family?
LIBUZA
Yes.
DAVID
... Do they know yet?
LIBUZA
Let’s make that tomorrow’s problem, okay?
DAVID
Yeah... Hey, take this.
DAVID IS HANDING HER THE SPHERE.
LIBUZA
Um... what is this, David?
ZEBULON
It’s a sphere, Libuza.
LIBUZA
Yes, I can feel that. What is it?
EFFIE
We stole it.
LIBUZA
Why?
DAVID
I don’t know. Just take it.
LIBUZA
It has some strange vibrations.
DAVID
Honestly, it’s probably a hair dryer or something.
LIBUZA
Okay, I’ll bring it inside.
DAVID
Sure... How’d it go in there?
LIBUZA
As expected, sadly.
CASPAR
You’ve been quiet today.
AVA
You’ve been quiet today.
CASPAR
Have I?
AVA
Yes.
CASPAR
We both have.
AVA
I guess.
CASPAR
What’s going on?
AVA
... Days like this, I get a little reflective.
CASPAR
Days like this?
AVA
Yes.
CASPAR
We’ve never had a day like this.
AVA
No?
CASPAR
No.
AVA
I seem to recall this one time where I got shoved into deep space.
CASPAR
Wow.
AVA
I was very reflective that day.
CASPAR
I thought we had evolved past moments like this.
AVA
Oh, I don’t evolve.
CASPAR
Really?
AVA
Why would I? I was born perfect.
CASPAR
Right. Foolish of me.
AVA
...
CASPAR
...
AVA
... We should take a vacation.
CASPAR
... What?
AVA
A vacation.
CASPAR
... Okay. Where?
AVA
I don’t know. Where do people go on vacation?
CASPAR
I don’t know. The Caribbean?
AVA
No tropics.
CASPAR
Okay... Skiing?
AVA
I don’t like downward motion.
CASPAR
Of course.
AVA
... A riverboat.
CASPAR
A riverboat.
AVA
With gambling on it.
CASPAR
Sure.
AVA
I hear you do a good riverboat gambler.
CASPAR
I do a fantastic riverboat gambler.
AVA
The full experience though. The suit. Everything.
CASPAR
Of course... you think you can really go that long without doing math?
AVA
I’ll be counting cards.
CASPAR
Right.
AVA
...
CASPAR
...
AVA
... So, don’t die.
CASPAR
... Nobody dies.
KAZI
I’m going to implant something in your body.
GLORIA
I’m sorry?
KAZI
It’s the same thing I planted on Caspar. I’ll be able to monitor you from anywhere in the universe. You won’t be able to talk to me, but I’ll know your status at all times.
GLORIA
That’s creepy.
KAZI
I’m aware.
GLORIA
But you’re probably right. Okay, go for it.
KAZI
Hold still.
GLORIA
... I’m not going to be able to help you anymore.
KAZI
I know.
GLORIA
That’s really going to kill me.
KAZI
I know.
GLORIA
I don’t know who I am without this place anymore.
KAZI
As someone who has enhanced or replaced most parts of their body, I offer you this: nothing makes you except yourself. We make ourselves... we make the world... Good luck, Gloria.
GLORIA
You too.
TETA
Fuckface!
CASPAR
Teta.
TETA
I was thinking about something.
CASPAR
What’s that?
TETA
You know how you won’t ever shut up about being a terrible father? “Oh whoa is me, my terrible fathering.” All that?
CASPAR
Yeah.
TETA
I realize now, I won’t ever have to listen to any of that shit again. You know why?
CASPAR
Because you have the worst dad ever?
TETA
Because I have the worst dad ever. Like, literally the worst dad in the universe.
CASPAR
It’s true.
TETA
Not a lot of people can say that.
CASPAR
Congratulations.
TETA
In fact, I never have to listen to anybody complain about their dad ever again. Isn’t that great?
CASPAR
Turns out this is actually a great day.
TETA
Isn’t it?
CASPAR
... You’ll look out for him, right?
TETA
Of course I will. And I promise I’ll only teach him twenty ways to kill someone.
CASPAR
Uh huh. How many are there?
TETA
I’m always discovering new ones.
CASPAR
Alright... Thank you, Teta.
TETA
Shut up, stupid.
CASPAR
Hey.
DAVID
Hey.
CASPAR
Okay, they’ve got you set up in the ship. Nice little room apparently.
DAVID
I heard.
CASPAR
Listen I know the sisters are all super powerful geniuses but they’re just as full of shit as anybody else, okay?
DAVID
I know.
CASPAR
... You went on a little adventure today?
DAVID
I was trying to save the day.
CASPAR
Well... that’s admirable.
DAVID
This can’t be how this goes.
CASPAR
... David, sometimes you just fucking lose. It doesn’t matter how good you are or how right you are or how strong you are. Sometimes the tide just rises up and fucking clobbers you. You could get mad about it if you want, but you’ll never end up getting mad at the right person or thing. The only thing you can do when shit like this happens is just reach out. Try and grab onto something that’s still there. And if there’s nothing there you reach further and further until you find it. Because amidst the waves of defeat and injustice you will always find something out there that will outlast it all. I’ll try and do that if you do.
DAVID
... Are you coming back?
CASPAR
I’m coming back... I was always coming back.
DAVID
... I was too.
CASPAR
... Mucklewains, they’re not going to know you’re not in the radio.
EFFIE
That’s well heard, Caspar. There’s all sorts of places out there we can make our home.
CASPAR
Take care of him, okay?
ZEBULON
We shall, my friend.
CASPAR
Take care of them.
DAVID
I will.
GLORIA
Circle up, guys.
CASPAR
Come on, come say goodbye.
DAVID
Okay.
LEIF
David, you’ve got the fabricator and the exciter, right?
DAVID
Yes.
AVA
Here, take these pencils.
DAVID
Hello Kitty pencils?
AVA
Yes, because apparently it would kill your father to find a Blackwing or two.
CASPAR
They’re fun!
GLORIA
David, take this bag. It’s dried chilis. Apparently there are no aliens out there that know how to do spicy.
DAVID
Thanks.
CASPAR
Take this. This is a picture of me and you and your mom. It’s been in my wallet for literally a hundred years so it could use a change of scenery.
DAVID
Okay.
CASPAR
...
AVA
...
LEIF
...
GLORIA
... I feel strangely calm right now and I don’t know why... It feels like I almost lost this place about a hundred times in the past year. But then suddenly I stopped being afraid of it. I stopped being afraid of losing something I cared about and it was replaced with, I don’t know, this weird certainty. Like nothing could take it from me. I don’t know what to call that feeling.
ZEBULON
Well, that’s faith Gloria. Always has been. Now, I say that to you and you think I’m talking about God, but it’s apart from that. I’ve thought much about faith throughout my life, as I’m sure you can imagine. I’ve seen it everywhere. Outside of the realm of the church, in every day life. I’ve seen people have devout faith in all sorts of things. Look at Leif there. A faith in there always being a way, a faith in solutions. There’s Caspar, a faith in tomorrow. Ever forward. That way. Then there is Ava, who thinks we don’t notice that at the beginning of each of her notebooks she writes a little something: Et quid amabo nisi quod aenigma est.
AVA
And what shall I love if not the enigma.
ZEBULON
A faith in the unknown. And then there’s you Gloria. An unerring faith in all of us... It’s just a letting go, is all. A peace within you. A trust that wraps itself around you. You need not know what it is. Not sure if even I do.
GLORIA
Everybody remember those feelings, okay? That’s how we get back.... David. We love you very much... It’s time to go.
DAVID
... I’m not saying goodbye.
GLORIA
Good... I’m done with that too.
EFFIE
Go with God, y’all. We’ll be out there, somewhere, lookin’ for ya’.
KAZI APPROACHES KROK.
KAZI
We’ll be taking our leave now, father.
KROK
You’re welcome to stay, Kazi. I have much work to do and it would fill me with joy to do it with my family by my side.
KAZI
Let’s let that be the last time you refer to us as your family.
KROK
You just called me father.
KAZI
I call you father as a reminder.
KROK
Very well. If you’ll not stay, then I suggest you climb into your ship and fly very, very far away from here. This courtesy I extend to you will not be extended again.
KAZI
We’ll be leaving, father. But I need you to hear this. I will be coming back. And when I do, I’m coming back for everything.
KROK
I cannot be killed, Kazi. So long as my dream lives, I live.
KAZI
Anything can be killed.
KROK
So, I’m to see you next on the battlefield, is that it?
KAZI
No... you won’t see me coming.
KAZI WALKS TOWARD THE SHIP.
KROK
(Laughing.)
I’m filled with pride, in spite of myself.
KAZI
David?
DAVID
Okay.
CASPAR
I love you, kiddo.
DAVID
... I know.
KAZI
Good luck, everyone.
KAZI AND DAVID BOARD THE SHIP AND IT LIFTS OFF INTO THE SKY.
GLORIA
Okay. And welcome everyone to the craziest fucking thing we’ve ever done.
LEIF
Get them out.
THEY ALL TAKE OUT THE PAGERS GIVEN TO THEM BY PARADISE LEIF. THEY TURN THEM ON AND THEY MAKE THE SAME STRANGE BEEPING NOISES.
AVA
Sounds like we’re good to go.
LEIF
Paradise Leif better be fucking right about this.
CASPAR
Only one way to find out.
GLORIA
You’re up, Leif.
LEIF
Here I go.
LEIF APPROACHES KROK.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Hey there, Krok.
KROK
Ready to begin the rest of your life, Leif?
LEIF
We’ve decided we’ll agree to your terms on one condition.
KROK
Yes, Leif. You see, how this works is, you are my prisoner and actually have no bargaining power.
LEIF
One condition.
KROK
(Sighing)
Alright, what is it?
LEIF
I want to see one of the guns.
KROK
One of the guns?
LEIF
Yes.
KROK
One of the guns from one of my soldiers?
LEIF
Yes.
KROK
Leif, you realize you will not be able to use this gun on myself or on any of my men.
LEIF
I figured.
KROK
Why then?
LEIF
Cut me some slack. I’m an engineer. I need to see the thing that beat me.
KROK
... Very well, if it will speed things along. Someone give him a gun.
A MYSTERY MAN APPEARS AND HANDS THEIR GUN TO LEIF.
LEIF
Thanks... So... what are you scared of, Krok?
KROK
Scared?
LEIF
Yeah.
KROK
I’m not scared of anything, Leif.
LEIF
Really?
KROK
Yes.
LEIF
... See the thing is, I don’t really listen to what people say. I look at what they make. Back on Earth, we love to talk about peace. Peace on Earth, goodwill toward men— we say it every year... But what do we make? Weapons, mostly... on Earth if one guy presses one button, the whole planet goes up in flames. But we love to talk about peace... this gun wasn’t meant for me. That huge weapon behind you, the one you shot down the diner with, that wasn’t meant for us. You’ve wrapped this entire solar system in a shield. A shield? For you, the almighty Krok? To protect you from what? What are you scared of, Krok?
KROK
... I fear nothing.
LEIF
... Okay... This thing is really amazing. There’s hardly any technology in it. I have no idea how it works. It would take me the rest of my life to figure this thing out. I hate that... I hate limitations... I hate barriers... I hate being trapped... I can’t do this, guys.
CASPAR
Leif, what are you talking about?
LEIF
I can’t watch myself do this.
KROK
Leif.
LEIF
And I can’t watch any of you do it either.
LEIF CHARGES UP THE GUN.
GLORIA
Leif!
LEIF
Sorry pal.
CASPAR
Leif what the fuck are you-
LEIF SHOOTS CASPAR. HE IS GONE. LEIF CHARGES UP THE GUN AGAIN.
KROK
What in the heavens?!
GLORIA
Leif, are you out of your-
LEIF SHOOTS GLORIA. SHE IS GONE. LEIF CHARGES UP THE GUN AGAIN.
KROK
Somebody fucking stop him!
SEVERAL MYSTERY MEN APPEAR.
LEIF
Sorry, Doctor.
AVA
Oh shit.
LEIF SHOOTS AVA. SHE IS GONE. LEIF IS SURROUNDED BY MYSTERY MEN.
KROK
You’re a fucking madman. You really choose death?!
LEIF CHARGES UP THE GUN AGAIN.
LEIF
Showtime.
LEIF SHOOTS HIMSELF. HE IS GONE. THE GUN FALLS THE GROUND.
KROK
... What a fucking waste...
MYSTERY MAN 1
What shall we do?
KROK
... I’m afraid there’s nothing to do... Fucking Earthlings... they couldn’t have done this before dinner?
MYSTERY MAN 1 Sir?
KROK
Nothing... Prepare the diner for storage I suppose... what an inauspicious ending...
THE WIND PICKS UP ALL AROUND THEM.
KROK (CONT’D)
What is that?... No.
THERE IS A CRACK IN THE AIR AND THE DINER TELEPORTS AWAY.
KROK (CONT’D)
... Impossible.
MYSTERY MAN 1
W-what do we do?
KROK
Find it and get it back!
ALL OF THE MYSTERY MEN TELEPORT AWAY. KROK LAUGHS TO HIMSELF.
KROK (CONT’D)
Will I ever stop underestimating you, little brother?
KROK TELEPORTS AWAY AS WELL. THE SOUND OF A SHIP-WIDE ALARM STARTS FADING IN AS WE MOVE TO THE SISTERS’ SHIP. DAVID AND TETA ARE OUTSIDE ONE OF THE ROOMS.
DAVID
The access key isn’t working!
TETA
Use the manual lock!
DAVID
I don’t know where that is!
TETA
Neither do I!
KAZI
Teta, what’s going on? Why is the alarm going off?
DAVID
Libuza’s in there!
KAZI
What is she doing?!
DAVID
Me and the Mucklewains stole this sphere from Krok’s planet! She said she was going to do some experiments with it!
TETA
Next thing we know, there’s a power surge to the Vistek and the whole ship is going crazy!
KAZI
Get me inside that room!
TETA
Alright stand back, goddamn it!
TETA SLOWLY FORCES THE DOOR OPEN WITH BRUTE STRENGTH.
TETA (CONT’D)
Fuck... you... dooooooor!
THE DOOR IS OPEN AND THEY RUSH INSIDE. THE VISTEK IS MAKING A DEAFENING NOISE.
KAZI
Libuza! Libuza, whatever you’re doing you’ve got to stop!... Libuza!
THE VISTEK BEGINS TO POWER DOWN.
DAVID
What the fuck happened?
KAZI
Libuza?... Libuza can you hear me?... Teta get the nano-surgeon-
LIBUZA
We’re going to be okay.
LIBUZA’S VOICE SOUNDS VERY DIFFERENT.
KAZI
Libuza?
LIBUZA
We’re going to be okay...
KAZI
What do you mean?
LIBUZA
... I can see him now.
WE HEAR THE CRASHING OF WAVES ON A BEACH. GLORIA WAKES UP WITH A START. SHE IS ON A DECK CHAIR ON A DECK BY THE BEACH.
GLORIA
Hello?... Holy shit, it worked... I think... I’m on a beach. Where is this beach?
A VERY ALIEN BIRD LANDS ON THE BEACH NEAR HER MAKING A VERY STRANGE NOISE.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
Okay. Not on Earth.
WE HEAR THE FAINT SOUNDS OF CHOPPING COMING FROM THE KITCHEN INSIDE. GLORIA GETS UP AND WALKS INSIDE THE BEACH HOUSE. SHE GETS CLOSER AND CLOSER TO THE SOUND UNTIL...
GLORIA (CONT’D) Oh my God.
BRODIE
So... Are you to magically drop into my life from time to time? Is that how it’s to go?
GLORIA
... Brodie.
BRODIE
It’s good that you’ve arrived... I’ve no idea how to cook this fish.
WE HEAR A STRING QUARTET AS WE MOVE TO THE DINING HALL OF A CASTLE. AVA WAKES UP SITTING AT A DINING TABLE. SHE IS APPROACHED BY A SERVANT.
SERVANT
Mere vin, frue?
AVA
Huh?
SERVANT
Mere vin, frue?
AVA
... Sure.
THE SERVANT POURS WINE INTO HER GOBLET.
AVA (CONT’D)
Tak?
AVA DRINKS THE ENTIRE GOBLET OF WINE.
AVA (CONT’D)
... So what the fuck is all this, then?
A MOOSE SLOWLY CLOPS THROUGH THE DINING HALL AND CALLS OUT VERY LOUDLY.
AVA (CONT’D)
Uhhhh... what?
WE HEAR WAVES CRASHING AGAIN. GLORIA IS CHOPPING THINGS IN THE KITCHEN NOW, GOING A MILE A MINUTE.
GLORIA
Okay, so we were screwed right? We found out that we were going to be trapped on this planet forever with this fucking space god while he tortures an entire galaxy— do they have anything like limes on this planet?
BRODIE
Perhaps those there?
GLORIA
Okay, so we knew that these time weapons they were using didn't work quite right on the diner. They didn’t send us to a random place in space and time they sent us to a place that we had to have some connection to- oh, that’s great, smell...
BRODIE
Smells lovely.
GLORIA
And then I remembered that we had these:
GLORIA TAKES OUT HER PAGER AND TURNS IT ON.
BRODIE
What is that?
GLORIA
They mimic the signal of the diner, so I was like, if we’re wearing these, does that mean the same thing happens to us? Leif said, I don’t know, and Ava said, yes— which usually means yes— so we all wore the pagers and Leif shot all of us.
BRODIE
He shot you?
GLORIA
Yes. And then I woke up here!
BRODIE
Amazing.
GLORIA
It is!
BRODIE
I don’t understand.
GLORIA
Because I know you. It had to send me somewhere that I was connected to.
BRODIE
I see.
GLORIA
Do you?
BRODIE
Not really.
GLORIA
Don’t worry about it. I’m here and that’s great!
BRODIE
It is.
GLORIA
But it’s terrible.
BRODIE
Is it?
GLORIA
Yes, because... because I didn’t really think through this part of the plan.
BRODIE
Which part of the plan is this?
GLORIA
I have to get back to the diner.
BRODIE
I see.
GLORIA
I have no idea how to do that.
BRODIE
Nor do I.
GLORIA
Exactly. I usually have Leif and Ava to figure this out.
BRODIE
Ah. You need help.
GLORIA
I do!
BRODIE
Well, if I can tear you away from the kitchen for a moment, there is something I’d like to show you.
GLORIA
What is it?
BRODIE
Come with me.
THE LEAVE THE KITCHEN AND WALK INTO THE LIVING ROOM.
BRODIE (CONT’D)
When the earthlings were first brought to this planet, we had to be put into quarantine for some time. There was not much to do but browse their digital archives, and in an idle moment I looked you up.
GLORIA
... Did you seriously Facebook stalk me from the future?
BRODIE
I’ve no idea what that means.
GLORIA
You were looking around for me?
BRODIE
Well, perhaps I was a bit forlorn after our last encounter.
GLORIA
Okay, I need you to not be charming yet, I’m trying to concentrate.
BRODIE
Very well. In my investigation, I discovered this.
BRODIE BRINGS UP AN IMAGE ON A HUGE DISPLAY.
GLORIA
... That’s a statue of me.
BRODIE
‘Tis.
GLORIA
Why is there a statue of me?
BRODIE
This is in the Hero’s Pavilion in their capital city here on Sigius. You’re very important to them here. You were, according to them, the spark that lit the flames of rebellion.
GLORIA
I was?
BRODIE
Yes.
GLORIA
Wow.
BRODIE
So, when I discovered you asleep on my beach I thought I should give them a ring.
GLORIA
Give who a ring?
BRODIE
Not sure who I spoke with, now that you mention it. The powers that be.
GLORIA
What did they say?
BRODIE
They’re sending a representative from the planetary government.
GLORIA
Here?
BRODIE
Yes.
GLORIA
That’s great!
BRODIE
I believe it is.
GLORIA
Okay... okay they can probably help me, right?
BRODIE
More so than the last Scotsman in the universe, yes.
GLORIA
Okay, so I just wait here and they show up?
BRODIE
Apparently.
GLORIA
Okay... I’m so amped up right now!
BRODIE
Emotions are running high, yes.
GLORIA
When are they going to be here?
BRODIE
First thing in the morning, they said.
GLORIA
Okay... okay... okay, I really need to take it down a notch.
BRODIE
Or two.
GLORIA
I’m running pretty hot right now. I need to distract myself. How can I distract myself?
BRODIE
That depends.
GLORIA
On what?
BRODIE
Am I allowed to be charming yet?
GLORIA
... yes.
WE BEGIN TO HEAR HOWLING AND FRIGID WINDS. LEIF WAKES UP FACE DOWN IN THE SNOW. WE HEAR HIM PICK HIMSELF UP OFF THE FROZEN GROUND.
LEIF
... Fuck... Better than the void of space... I guess... Hello?!... Hello!
AS LEIF CALLS INTO THE ICY LANDSCAPE WE MOVE BACK TO CRASHING WAVES. GLORIA AND BRODIE STAND ON THE BEACH IN THE MORNING.
GLORIA
Jesus, it’s fucking beautiful here.
BRODIE
It’s almost embarrassing how lovely it is.
GLORIA
Brodie, I’m so sorry, I haven’t asked you one question since yesterday.
BRODIE
You’ve had quite a lot to say.
GLORIA
How are you? How are things here?
BRODIE
As you can see, I’ve no complaints. All I knew before this was a dying spacecraft, stranded in the void. Now I’ve sand beneath my feet and an ocean...
I must say, I’d seen pictures of the ocean but there are some things that cannot be contained in an image... They’ve deposited all the Earthlings here on this island, they call it Silmaroosh. That’s their word for Earth apparently. For the moment they treat us as wildlife, they come here to study us. I had a visit the other day from a representative of the— what was it? “The Council of Language and Dialect,” wanting to preserve my brogue.
GLORIA
How are the mushrooms?
BRODIE
Still in quarantine, sadly. Hard to find a home for many of them here, the saltwater and sand is not the best of environs for fungi. Their language doesn’t even have a word for Mycologist. But I’ll be reunited with them someday. After all, if you and I can be reunited, then anything’s possible, is it not?
GLORIA
... I missed you.
BRODIE
And I you.
GLORIA
I should’ve given you a picture of me or something.
BRODIE
Ah, Gloria. There are some things that cannot be contained in an image.
GLORIA
... Would you stop it? Stop it.
BRODIE
I’m afraid I can’t help it... There, on the horizon. Here it comes.
GLORIA
... Wow, it looks like a bird.
BRODIE
They seem to be incapable of making anything ugly on this planet.
A SLEEK SIGIAN AIRCRAFT MAKES A LANDING ON THE BEACH.
BRODIE (CONT’D)
I should warn you, the Sigians are a... what’s a word for it... a fastidious lot. Try and have patience.
GLORIA
Okay.
TWO SIGIANS EXIT THE SHIP AND APPROACH GLORIA AND BRODIE ON THE BEACH.
BORSH
Gloria! Hello!
GLORIA
Hi.
BORSH
My name is Borsh and this is my colleague, Ixio.
IXIO
Good morning, Gloria. Please place your hand on this scanner for authentication.
GLORIA
Oh, uh, okay.
BORSH
We are from the Council of History and Reconciliation and it’s an honor to meet you.
GLORIA
Thanks, you, too.
IXIO
ID confirmed. Welcome to Sigius, Gloria.
BORSH
Gloria, the Council has authorized me to say the following: “Gloria, it is an honor to have you on Sigius and we have granted our two agents, Borsh (That’s me) and Ixio-
IXIO
I’m Ixio.
BORSH
“-To provide you with anything you need during your stay.”
IXIO
We should add that the word “Anything” has been accompanied by three caveat sub-groups that can be found here on this tablet.
GLORIA
O-okay.
BORSH
Gloria, I suggest we begin with a debrief, followed by a creation of action items.
IXIO
I suggest I take those action items and create a cross-council working document.
BORSH
Agreed. Following this meeting will be secondary and tertiary meetings with representatives from the Council of Technological Assistance and the...
IXIO
Council for Dietary Acclimation. Though their meeting will be delayed for two days.
BORSH
What’s the reasoning for that?
IXIO
Creeto’s partner has given birth.
BORSH
Wonderful. Have we distributed congratulatory messages to the family?
IXIO
Communications is finalizing the language.
BORSH
Excellent. Gloria-
GLORIA
Guys. It’s very nice to meet you. We’ve got a lot to talk about. How about you come inside, I’ll make us some food, and we can talk.
BORSH
...
IXIO
We think that would be a very beneficial next step.
GLORIA
Great. Come on in.
BORSH
... We should send a flash memo to the Council of Culinary Preservation regarding this meal.
IXIO
I recommend we send it with Earth Metrics to preserve authenticity.
BORSH
Agreed.
THE SOUND OF THE WAVES SLOWLY CHANGES OVER TO THE HUM OF A BUILDING WITH STEEL WALLS AND FLOORS. CASPAR WAKES UP.
CASPAR
Heeeeeeeeeey... Okay... Alive: check... Location: no idea... Hello?
A DOOR SLIDES OPEN AND A WOMAN WALKS IN.
EX BOT
Good morning.
CASPAR
Ex?
EX BOT
Please proceed with us to testing center 3.
CASPAR
Us?
ANOTHER WOMAN WALKS IN.
EX BOT 2
Please proceed with us to testing center 3.
EX BOT
We will begin your debrief there.
CASPAR
Exes?... Oh... Okay... Sure... Shit... Lead the way, ladies.
CASPAR WALKS OUT INTO THE HALL AND THEY WALK.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
I had a pager on me, have either of you seen it?
EX BOT
We’ll begin your debrief in testing center 3.
CASPAR
Sure.
EX BOT
Through this door.
CASPAR
Okay... Any chance one of you could kill me right now?
EX BOT
No.
CASPAR
Didn’t think so.
A DOOR SLIDES OPEN AND CASPAR WALKS INTO A MASSIVE LABORATORY. WE CAN HEAR THE SOUND OF SOMEONE WORKING AT ONE OF THE EXAMINATION TABLES. SCANNERS AND HIGH-TECH TOOLS BEING USED.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
That’s my pager.
PHILOMENA
I always said that when we visited someone’s house for the first time we should bring a gift. And you argued with me and argued with me... But now look at what you’ve brought me.
PHILOMENA WALKS AWAY FROM THE EXAM TABLE AND APPROACHES CASPAR. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER.
PHILOMENA (CONT’D)
Hello, darling.
CASPAR
... Hello, honey.
THE SOUND OF THE EMPTY DINER TRAVELING SLOWLY FADES IN. AFTER A MOMENT, THE DEEP FREEZE OPENS.
FIONA
Hello?... Hello?
PETER WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN.
FIONA (CONT’D)
... Hey, Peter.
PETER EMITS A BEEP AND A RECORDED MESSAGE STARTS PLAYING.
GLORIA
(In the message.)
Hey Fiona. If you’re hearing this, our plan worked. We kept you hidden in the diner, and it was able to escape... You saved the day Fiona. Now the hard part starts. We’ve all got some messages for you. Here’s Leif.
LEIF
Hey Fiona. So, quick breakdown on Peter. He’s completely autonomous— he’ll know when to recharge and when to do maintenance. I’ve programmed him with several basic commands for you. You’ve got sentry mode, zone defense, shadow, death blossom-
GLORIA
Leif.
LEIF
-yeah, sorry, there’s a full list up on the roof, check it out. The command center is all shut down— I’m the only one who knows how to use all that stuff anyway. But even though it’s all shut down, do yourself a favor and spend some time up there. You can even sleep in the hammock if you want. I’ve spent my life under a whole lot of stars and I can guarantee you there’s nothing more beautiful than the sky when the diner is traveling. It’s different every night. No repeats. But then sometimes you’ll see a galaxy you recognize sailing by. Maybe a nebula or two. They become old friends... Oh, and, under the front counter is something called a Purple Nullifier. Don’t touch it. Here’s Ava.
AVA
Hi there, Fiona. Your main concern during this time will be to keep people out of my booth. I realize it looks like a mess in there but everything is exactly where it needs to be. However, I have left you a notebook and a pencil. Because guess what, Fiona? You’re a scientist now. Being a scientist isn’t about going to school. In fact, some of the best ones never went to school. It’s about the way you see the world. It’s about curiosity and, in my case, obsession. Write down the things you see. Keep writing them down. Eventually in all those things you observe, something immense and mysterious emerges. A similarity in all things. One great thread that you follow into the darkness. You can miss it if you’re not looking close enough. You definitely don’t want to miss it. Okay, here’s Dummy.
CASPAR
Okay, Fiona. Loneliness... Fiona, I don’t know when we’re going to be able to make it back there. Considering how that thing works, it could be a long time for us or a short time for you, or both, or neither. You may be in for a lot of long nights alone. Try not to let it get to you. The thing is, you can be lonely in a group of people. I’ve done it many times.
What that means is, if you can be lonely with all sorts of people around, you can also be alone without being lonely. There are all sorts of ways to do that. For me it was ketchup bottles, and napkin holders, the fucking parmesan cheese. The work right in front of me became my friend, because it was always there. The next day became my friend. It was always there. No matter what you do, just keep going. Okay here’s the Mucklewains.
EFFIE
Well, Fiona, we were putting work towards finding you a nice little bon bon from the bible to help you though this time, but nothing felt quite right.
ZEBULON
Yes, Fiona, sometimes it’s best to set aside the books and speak from one soul to another.
EFFIE
And what we’ll say to you on this, the first day of your new life is, do not forget the mission.
ZEBULON
And what is that mission, you might ask? Nothing too trying, no journeys up the mountain or down into the deeps.
EFFIE
It’s simply to reach out to another. All sorts of people will be walking in that door of yours and their needs will range from the simple to the absurd.
ZEBULON
And there you shall be. And you’ll look this way and that for the one who’s set to handle this mission, but on your left or your right will be no one. It will just be little old you.
EFFIE
And there will always be that moment where you say to yourself, “Gol Durn, this is up to me.”
ZEBULON
And it’s a sobering moment. That moment when the heavens points its finger to you.
EFFIE
It ain't a duty you signed up for or would wish on another, but there it sits in your lap, waiting for you to do something about it.
ZEBULON
It’s a sacred duty. Sometimes a burden. But the task of connecting with another and letting their life into yours now sits with you.
EFFIE
You must try not to shirk that duty, Fiona.
ZEBULON
And more importantly, see that duty as a privilege.
EFFIE
May the Lord bless you and keep you, Fiona.
ZEBULON
And may our prayers for your fortitude find you somewhere out in the beyond.
GLORIA
... Okay Fiona. This is it. What advice do I have? I don’t know how good of a cook you are but you’re about to become a better one. Unless you’re like Caspar.
CASPAR
Hey.
GLORIA
Remember that walk-in where I kept you captive for a while? Well, you’re going to learn a lot in that walk in. See, when I started walking in there, the things I found in there started to change. Like it knew me. All the ingredients I knew how to use were suddenly there— it was giving me everything I knew how to use. I’ll give you an example. Caspar, what did the walk-in give you?
CASPAR
Me?, Uh, white bread and ham. Mayonnaise, lots of mayonnaise-
GLORIA
You get it. The other thing it does, though— it shows you where you’ve been. You’ll see an ingredient and you’ll think “Oh yeah, I know how to make that.” And you’ll remember why you know it and who taught you to make it. It’ll show you your life, if you let it... I’m sorry about this, Fiona. I bet you were wanting a bigger victory than this. But sometimes survival has to be the victory. Sometimes you need to choose what victory is. Sometimes victory is just the next day. But it doesn’t have to stop there.
First, little victories, then bigger ones, and bigger ones, until one day, with all those little victories behind you, you’ll look around and see that the fighting is finally done. One day the fighting will finally be done. And you can sit down and have a look at the world you created. It’s out there somewhere, Fiona. We’re on our way.
PETER BEEPS AND THE MESSAGE ENDS. FIONA PICKS UP GLORIA’S SPATULA AND TAPS THE GRILL A FEW TIMES.
FIONA
... Okay, Peter. Let’s start the shift.
END OF SEASON 4