Chapter 43: Adventure
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND RADIO FREQUENCIES COLLIDING AND THEN SLOWING COALESCING DOWN TO THE SOUND OF THE ECHOES OF A UNIVERSITY HALLWAY. WE HEAR THE SHARP SOUNDS OF HIGH HEELS WALKING DOWN THE HALLWAY, TENTATIVE AT FIRST, THEN PICKING UP SPEED. A DOORWAY OPENS AND WE HEAR THE TAIL END OF A LECTURE IN A LECTURE HALL.
NELL
The chief problem with the South American Continent when it comes to the work we seek to do is this: erasure. First, there is the erasure of the jungle. Historical structures, even if they were made of stone and not the timber that’s plentiful there, can be swallowed whole by the jungle inside of ten years. That’s a blink of an eye to an archeologist. Second: the erasure of plunder. The continent was raided for plunder so many times during the colonial era that important relics have been scattered across the globe now. You can find them in Arabia, you can find them in Malaysia. I found an Incan idol in the hands of a Russian fur trader one time. So when we cross the equator looking to do the work we intend to do, we must understand that we are looking for sand castles at high tide. With every day that goes by we lose a little more of the story of that entire continent... Alright, that’s all for today.
THE CLASS BEGINS TO PACK UP THEIR THINGS.
NELL (CONT’D)
Tomorrow we start on Pachacutec (pah-chah-KOO-tek). It’s going to be a considerable amount to memorize, so I suggest you empty your heads out before class tomorrow. Mr. Davidson, you should have no problem with that.
THE CLASS LAUGHS.
NELL (CONT’D)
See you tomorrow, everyone.
LIBUZA
Looks like I found her.
GLORIA
(In Libuza’s ear.)
This is amazing, Libuza, I can’t believe you pulled this off.
LIBUZA
Is Leif’s monitor working? Can you see what I’m seeing?
GLORIA
Yeah, it’s only black and white. It’s kind of like watching an old movie, but I can see what you’re seeing. The black and white is kind of appropriate actually, it looks like you’re somewhere in Earth’s past. Judging by the clothes it’s looking like the nineteen-forties.
LIBUZA
This is a University?
GLORIA
Yeah. Hey, Ava? Look at this, can you recognize where she is?
AVA
(In Libuza’s ear.)
Let me see... Oh, that’s fucking Harvard. See the symbol on that guy’s blazer? Pretty old though. You’re right, it’s probably the forties.
LIBUZA
What was that like?
AVA
The forties?
GLORIA
We were at war with the Nazis for most of it. Not sure if that’s where you are right now.
CASPAR
(In Libuza’s ear.)
This is definitely during war time. That class should be full of dudes, but there’s only a few of them. They’ve probably been called up. In the forties, you could only defer the draft if you were studying a science. She’s talking about Pachacutec. He was an Incan emperor. That’s not a science class.
LIBUZA
Okay... what is all this about? This isn’t what I was expecting.
AVA
Libuza, The Mucklewains have gone through a long process of figuring out what the hell they are. It all started one day when Gloria accidentally knocked over the radio.
They seemed to retreat into these various fantasy worlds— I think it may have been a way of protecting themselves. Then, later on, they figured out how to do it on command. That may be what’s going on right now— protecting themselves from whatever the Benefactor is trying to do to them.
LIBUZA
Okay... if they’re trying to protect themselves I shouldn’t try and snap them out of it then.
GLORIA
No, Libuza, I would play along for now, we still need to find Zebulon.
LIBUZA
Okay, looks like she’s heading to her office.
GLORIA
Try and get an appointment. See if she recognizes you.
LIBUZA
Here I go.
LIBUZA TURNS AND SEES HER REFLECTION IN A TROPHY CASE.
LIBUZA (CONT’D)
Oh... I don’t think she’s going to recognize me.
GLORIA
Is that your reflection?
LIBUZA
I guess so... I’m human.
AVA
And a very snappy dresser, looks like.
LIBUZA
This is weird.
GLORIA
How does it feel?
LIBUZA
What’s the point of a sweater this short?
GLORIA
No idea.
LIBUZA
And these shoes are very painful. Is this standard?
GLORIA
Yeah, the history of women’s footwear on Earth is a painful history.
CASPAR
Speaking of that, Libuza, I don’t think Harvard was admitting women this early. They started in the forties but it took a while for them to issue their first PhD to a woman. So whatever we’re looking at, it’s going to be evocative of the forties, but there’s going to be some inaccuracies, looks like.
LIBUZA
Okay. I’m going to try and track down Effie.
LIBUZA WALKS OUT INTO THE HALLWAY. SHE PASSES A GROUP OF STUDENTS GATHERED AROUND A PORTABLE RADIO.
NEWS REPORTER
Allied forces continue to face fierce resistance from German troops across North Africa, as Field Marshal Erwin Rommel's Afrika Korps pushes eastward through Libya toward Egypt. British and American commanders express grave concern about the potential fall of the vital Suez Canal to Axis control. Meanwhile, on the Eastern Front, Soviet forces are locked in bitter urban combat with German armies in Stalingrad, where street-by-street fighting has turned the city into a bloody battleground...
KAZI
(In Libuza’s ear.)
Libuza, how are you feeling?
LIBUZA
I’m feeling okay. This body isn’t mine but I don’t feel too disoriented.
KAZI
Your bio-signs are still in a nominal range. I need to get a sense of your brain function. When you’re talking to me, do you have to speak out loud there as well?
LIBUZA
... Yes, it looks like when I speak to you I also have to speak out loud.
KAZI
Noted. I think that might be better for your brain function to have two tasks overlap. Right now you’re seeing things visually, like a human would?
LIBUZA
Yes.
KAZI
Interesting. You have an under-developed ocular center— I’m surprised you can see color.
LIBUZA
That may explain why you’re getting a grayscale image on your end.
KAZI
Yes. It’s fascinating, actually. This little stunt of yours is telling me a lot about your brain that I didn’t perviously know.
LIBUZA
It’s not a stunt, Kazi.
KAZI
Of course, that’s not what I meant.
LIBUZA
Leif, how is the Vistek?
LEIF
(In Libuza’s ear.)
You’re all good. You’ve go a about a dozen nodes to spare right now, looks like whatever you’re doing isn’t tasking it too much.
LIBUZA
Okay, make sure you’re rotating tasks through all the nodes to keep the heat down.
LEIF
Got it. This thing is a beast, by the way, really nice work.
LIBUZA
Thank you.
LIBUZA OPENS THE DOOR TO AN OFFICE AND WALKS IN.
NELL
Just because I keep firing my assistants doesn’t mean you get to just walk in. Office hours are tomorrow.
LIBUZA
Yes, I know, I uh...
NELL
... Who are you?
LIBUZA
Oh, I’m...
DAVID
(In Libuza’s ear.)
Uh oh, spontaneous alias time.
CASPAR
Drumroll, please.
EVERYONE DOES A DRUMROLL ON THE TABLE.
LIBUZA
... Alexis Higgins?
DAVID
Nice.
GLORIA
Bravo, Alexis!
THEY ALL APPLAUD.
NELL
What can I help you with, Ms. Higgins?
LIBUZA
I uh...
DAVID
You’re her new assistant.
LIBUZA
I’m your new assistant.
NELL
You are?
LIBUZA
Yes.
NELL
You look a bit young to be an assistant. Shouldn’t you be in school yourself?
LIBUZA
I uh...
AVA
You graduated early.
LIBUZA
I graduated early.
AVA
Because of how smart you are.
LIBUZA
Because of how smart I am.
NELL
Oh really? And all that intelligence of yours landed you an assistant’s job?
GLORIA
Smart women should stick together.
LIBUZA
Smart women such as us should stick together.
NELL
Smart women such as we should stick together. Not an english major then?
LIBUZA
No.
AVA
Physics.
LIBUZA
Physics.
NELL
... I see. Come in.
LIBUZA CLOSES THE DOOR.
NELL (CONT’D)
I wasn’t sent your resume.
LIBUZA
What would you like to know?
NELL
How many words per minute?
CASPAR
Go with sixty.
LIBUZA
Sixty.
NELL
Alright.
TETA
(In Libuza’s ear.)
Hey, can she hear me if I just talk to her?
KAZI
Yes.
TETA
What does this lady do?
CASPAR
She’s an Archaeologist.
TETA
Bullshit she is, Libby. Ask her why she’s got a sawed-off shotgun in a holster on her chair.
GLORIA
She does?
LIBUZA
Is that a... firearm hanging on your chair?
NELL
That’s correct.
LIBUZA
... Why does an Archaeologist need a gun?
NELL
You’ll find that I go out in the field more than your average professor.
LIBUZA
And the gun is for?
NELL
Snakes.
LIBUZA
Those are some pretty large snakes.
NELL
Some of them are quite large, yes.
THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR AND THE DOOR OPENS. CHAIRMAN CHAPMAN WALKS IN.
CHAIRMAN CHAPMAN
Excuse me, Dr. Drake?
NELL
Chairman Chapman, how can you distract me today?
CASPAR
Wait a minute.
CHAIRMAN CHAPMAN
My office has just received this package addressed to you.
AVA
Oh my god.
NELL
Give it here, please.
CASPAR
That’s me.
CHAIRMAN CHAPMAN
The package has arrived from Ecuador.
NELL
Give it here, please.
GLORIA
What is Caspar doing in there?
CHAIRMAN CHAPMAN
Doctor, I recall us having a lengthy conversation about ceasing this work you’re doing in Ecuador.
LEIF
You’re wearing a bowtie.
NELL
I can’t stop the mail from coming. Chairman, meet my new assistant. Her name is?
LIBUZA
Alexis Higgins.
NELL
Ms. Higgins.
CHAIRMAN CHAPMAN
Hello Ms. Higgins. I’m Chairman David Chapman, a title I seem to have to repeat when I’m in this office.
NELL
That package is still not in my hand.
CHAIRMAN CHAPMAN
I haven’t approved a new assistant for you yet.
NELL
I have no control over the mail, nor my assistants, Mr. Chairman— though, if wishing made it so.
CHAIRMAN CHAPMAN
Ms. Higgins, will you excuse us, please? Dr. Drake and I must have a conversation.
NELL
No, no. No no no, Mr. Chairman, I need you to give me that package, it’s urgent.
CHAIRMAN CHAPMAN
If you ceased your work in Ecuador, why would you be getting urgent packages?!
NELL SUDDENLY PULLS OUT A LARGE BOWIE KNIFE AND HURLS IT. IT LODGES FIRMLY IN THE WALL NEXT TO THE CHAIRMAN.
LEIF
Whoa!
TETA
Nice.
CHAIRMAN CHAPMAN
(Aghast.)
You... you just threw a knife at me!
NELL
I threw a knife at the wall, Mr. Chairman, if I had thrown a knife at you, you’d be running down the hallway right now screaming “Oh my god, there’s a knife in me.”
CHAIRMAN CHAPMAN
Take your blasted package! Tenure won’t protect you from everything, Doctor!
HE SLAMS THE DOOR.
TETA
Ice cold.
AVA
Hehehe. You suck and you’re wearing a bow tie.
LIBUZA
What just happened?
NELL
They’ve been looking for a reason to get rid of me for some time now. I’m doing them a favor. Give me the package please.
NELL STARTS TO OPEN THE PACKAGE.
LIBUZA
That’s a very large knife.
NELL
It’s called a Bowie Knife. It’s very useful.
NELL UNROLLS A MAP ON HER DESK.
NELL (CONT’D)
Oh my God.
CASPAR
Libuza, get closer to that map.
LIBUZA
What is that a map of?
CASPAR
Gloria, what does that say?
GLORIA
Real Audiencia de Quito... Royal Audience of Quito.
CASPAR
Okay. That’s what Ecuador was called before it was called Ecuador.
LIBUZA
Is that Ecuador?
NELL
Very good, Ms. Higgins. There’s a letter in here. Read this to me, please.
LIBUZA OPENS THE LETTER.
LIBUZA
It says it’s from a Jose Zetino... Dear Nell, This is either the greatest forgery I’ve ever seen, or this is it. I think you were right about the ruined city...
NELL
Keep going.
LIBUZA
... If this map has made it’s way to you before I have, then I probably didn’t make it. You’ll have to find it on your own. I’m sorry. Good luck, Doc.
NELL
... God bless you, Jose.
LIBUZA
Who is Jose?
NELL
He’s a partner of mine. Or, according to that note, was a partner of mine.
LIBUZA
You think he’s dead?
NELL
Let’s not be pessimists, Ms. Higgins.
LIBUZA
What is the map to?
NELL
... I often tell my students to never look for treasure maps. They’re a childhood fantasy.
LIBUZA
So what is that?
NELL
It’s a treasure map.
THE FIRE ALARM STARTS GOING OFF OUT IN THE HALLWAY.
LIBUZA
What is that?
NELL
That’s the fire alarm. Just ignore it. Sit back down, Ms. Higgins.
LIBUZA
Okay.
NELL WALKS OVER AND LOCKS THE DOOR.
LIBUZA (CONT’D)
Did you just lock the door?
NELL
Ms. Higgins, why are you lying to me?
LIBUZA
What?
NELL
You don’t have a degree in physics.
LIBUZA
I don’t?
NELL
No. If you had a degree in physics you would’ve been snapped up by the Department of Defense. They’re employing every physicist in the country right now. A war effort tends to hoover up all of scientists.
GLORIA
Uh oh.
LIBUZA
Oh.
GLORIA
Tell her... tell her you didn’t finish school.
LIBUZA
I dropped out.
NELL
Why?
LIBUZA
Why?
GLORIA
You decided it wasn’t for you.
LIBUZA
I decided to try something else out. It wasn’t for me.
NELL
I see, and so you’ve come here?
LIBUZA
What’s wrong with here?
NELL
Don’t answer my questions with questions, Ms. Higgins.
CASPAR
Hang on... Tell her you wanted a life of adventure.
LIBUZA
I wanted a life of adventure.
NELL
A life of Adventure. And you think you’ll find that as my assistant?
LIBUZA
I’ve been here five minutes and you’ve already thrown a knife at someone and been delivered a treasure map from a man who may be dead. What do you think? Not to answer your question with a question.
NELL
Most people who want a life of adventure don’t know what that entails.
LIBUZA
... I think I may surprise you.
NELL
The fire alarm that’s going off? It’s going to stop any second now because nothing’s on fire.
THE FIRE ALARM STOPS.
LIBUZA
How did you know that?
NELL
Because nothing is ever on fire. We just have drills from time to time.
LIBUZA
Safety first, I guess.
NELL
The problem with that is, we just had a fire drill yesterday.
LIBUZA
...
NELL
So why did the fire alarm go off, Ms. Higgins?
LIBUZA
... Because someone wants you to vacate the building.
NELL
Why?
LIBUZA
... So they can steal the map.
NELL
That’s right. The thing about a life of adventure? Very hard to stop, once you’ve made the decision. Last chance to go back to the secretary pool.
LIBUZA
... What do we do?
NELL
I need you to go hide behind that metal cabinet.
GLORIA
Hide behind the cabinet, Libuza.
LIBUZA
Okay.
WHILE LIBUZA HIDES BEHIND THE CABINET, NELL TAKES OUT HER SAWED OFF SHOTGUN AND LOADS TWO SHELLS.
GLORIA
She’s loading the gun, what the hell is going on at this school?
AVA
FYI Libuza, this is not a standard Harvard experience.
CASPAR
Okay, Libuza, here’s the deal. Zebulon liked to talk about this Magazine he loved to read. It was called Adventure. Adventure Magazine. It was filled with stories of pirates and treasure hunters and cowboys and all that stuff. I think that’s where you are. I think that’s where they’ve put themselves. I guess you’re going to have to go on an adventure.
WE HEAR SOMEONE ON THE OTHER END OF THE DOOR, TRYING TO OPEN IT FROM THE OTHER SIDE.
NELL
(Whispering.)
Don’t move until I tell you to.
AFTER THEY REALIZE IT’S LOCKED THEY BEGIN TO KICK AT THE DOOR TO BREAK IT DOWN. THE DOOR FINALLY FLINGS OPEN, AND NELL UNLOADS TWO SHOTGUN SHELLS. WE HEAR A MAN SCREAM AND TAKE OFF RUNNING DOWN THE HALL.
LIBUZA
Who was that?!
NELL
I’ve got a good idea. Let’s go, we’re going out the window.
LIBUZA
The window?
NELL
You first. Let’s move, Ms. Higgins!
LIBUZA
Oh god.
NELL OPENS THE WINDOW.
NELL
We’re heading for the parking lot, the gunshots are going to bring more of them.
LIBUZA
More of who?
NELL
Let’s go!
OUTSIDE THE BUILDING NELL AND LIBUZA DROP INTO THE BUSHES.
NELL (CONT’D)
You’ve got the wrong shoes for this, Ms. Higgins.
LIBUZA
I apologize for not dressing for a gun fight!
NELL
Let’s go. Try and act casually, we don’t want to attract attention.
LIBUZA
You have a gun in your hand.
NELL
Running people attract attention. Walking people are invisible.
A MAN WITH A FRENCH ACCENT CALLS TO THEM.
FRENCH THUG
Madam Drake!
THE THUG FIRES TWO SHOTS AT THEM. LIBUZA SCREAMS. NELL RETURNS FIRE WITH TWO SHOTGUN BLASTS AND WE HEAR THE MAN SCREAM.
NELL
Do you know how to drive?!
LIBUZA
No!
NELL
Of course. Get in the passenger seat!
WE HEAR TWO DOORS CLOSE, THE ENGINE STARTS AND THE CAR PEELS OUT OF THE PARKING LOT.
NELL (CONT’D)
Shells. Gun. Reload it.
LIBUZA
How?
TETA
Libby, look for a button by the trigger guard... There you go, press it and that will crack it open... Good. Take out the shells, they’re going to be hot.
LIBUZA
Ow! Owowowo.
TETA
Pop some new shells in and close it up. Good, you’re ready to go.
LIBUZA
Here!
NELL
Thank you.
THEY DRIVE FOR A MOMENT.
NELL (CONT’D)
In the mid sixteenth century the Spanish were at war with the Incan Empire. As you can imagine it wasn’t going well for the Incans. The last man to make a stand against the Spanish was a man named Rumiñahui (roo-mee-nyah-WEE). He burned Quito to the ground so the Spanish couldn’t claim it and, as the legend goes, he hid the gold of the Incan Empire somewhere in the jungle. When the Spanish finally caught Rumiñahui they tortured him until death. He never gave up the location of the gold.
LIBUZA
That’s what the map leads to?
NELL
Well, they’re chasing us aren’t they?
LIBUZA
Who’s chasing us?
NELL
Hang on. Here they come up behind us. Roll down my window.
LIBUZA REACHES ACROSS HER AND ROLLS DOWN THE WINDOW.
NELL (CONT’D)
Now duck down.
LIBUZA
Oh god.
A CAR COMES SPEEDING UP NEXT TO THEM.
NELL
(To the car.)
Au courage, mon amis!
SHE UNLOADS TO SHELLS INTO THE CARS TIRE. WE HEAR THE CAR SCHREECH AND EVENTUALLY TUMBLE AND CRASH.
NELL (CONT’D)
That should be the last of them, but reload anyway.
LIBUZA
Where are we going?
NELL
I hope your passport’s in order, Ms. Higgins. We’re headed for the jungle.
LIBUZA
... You were right about needing different shoes.
NELL
Ha! At least.
THE CAR DRIVES OFF INTO THE DISTANCE AS WE MOVE TO THE DINER PARKING LOT. THE REFUGEES ARE BEING LOADED INTO THE SISTERS’ SHIP.
KAZI
Everyone aboard the ship, there’s plenty of room for all of you. Find a room and get comfortable. Once you’re all aboard, the ship will orbit until we return.
FIONA
You’re not coming with us?
KAZI
I’m afraid we can’t, Fiona. We promised we would take these people to a safe place where they could start over and we’ve brought them to a place more dangerous than the one they were in before... In the end, Maloo’s death is our fault. The least we can do is make sure her family is safe.
FIONA
What can I do?
KAZI
There are some injured and disabled among the refugees. Make sure they get into a comfortable bed, and then find a place for yourself.
FIONA
Okay.
KAZI
I have to get back to Libuza.
FIONA
What if...
KAZI
... What if we don’t come back?
FIONA
...
KAZI
The ship has several automations that Teta has programmed into it. You won’t be able to do anything complicated, but if you don’t hear from us in, let’s say, three days, you’ll need to get as far away from this place as you can. I suggest you find a place on the outer rim of this galaxy, or, if you’re feeling adventurous, try and make it to a nearby system. The nearest galaxy to this one is Amalgamous Pax, I believe Earthlings call it the Leo Triplet.
FIONA
Then what?
KAZI
Then I’m afraid it’s up to you... I apologize, Fiona. You would’ve been safer had no one taken you from your planet.
FIONA
Believe it or not, I think I prefer this.
KAZI
I would as well.
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A OLD AND LOUD PROPELLER PLANE AND THE RATTLING OF CARGO.
LIBUZA
... Anybody out there?
CASPAR
(In Libuza’s ear.)
Yeah, hey, I’m here. We’re going to start taking turns sitting with you. The diner is about to take off and there’s a lot going on.
LIBUZA
Okay.
CASPAR
Are you on a plane now?
LIBUZA
I appear to be. How much time has passed for you?
CASPAR
A few minutes.
LIBUZA
For me to. We seem to have skipped forward in time.
CASPAR
Right, just like a story would.
LIBUZA
This is a terrifying way to travel.
CASPAR
Oh yeah. I hate planes.
LIBUZA
It feels like the whole thing’s about to come apart.
CASPAR
If it’s any condolence, that wouldn’t be a good ending to the story, so that’s not going to happen.
LIBUZA
Okay.
CASPAR
Now, the engine failing and then the two of you having to put on parachutes and jump out and then make your way through the jungle on foot? That could totally happen, that’s a great story.
LIBUZA
Great... Adventure Magazine.
CASPAR
Adventure Magazine. I know it all feels pretty ridiculous but that’s how we like to do things around here.
LIBUZA
It makes sense. You Earthlings love your stories.
CASPAR
How were you able to do this again?
LIBUZA
I could hear a peculiar frequency in the radio. It was dense, like it was multi-layered. I thought if I could repurpose the Vistek to process the signal and then reconnect with it, I could get access to the Mucklewains. I wasn’t expecting this... I hope it works.
CASPAR
If it helps, there’s a lot more to worry about right now, so don’t put pressure on yourself.
LIBUZA
Is everyone freaking out?
CASPAR
Uh... maybe a little. The refugees are all aboard your ship now.
LIBUZA
I can’t believe I dragged all of you into this, too.
CASPAR
Would you stop it with that? You didn’t make the diner show up, it just shows up.
LIBUZA
I know... give me something to do.
CASPAR
What do you mean?
LIBUZA
I feel like I’m just a passenger. Whatever the Mucklewain’s are going through, how can I help them?
CASPAR
Keep a lookout for messages.
LIBUZA
What kind of messages?
CASPAR
One time when they were in a state like this, they seemed to be sending us coded messages.
LIBUZA
Have you noticed anything so far?
CASPAR
Well, Effie appears to be carrying around a Bowie knife.
LIBUZA
And?
CASPAR
Another name for a Bowie knife is an Arkansas Toothpick.
LIBUZA
I see.
CASPAR
Now that could mean jack shit or that could mean that Effie is saying to us, “Hey there, I’m right here.” No way to know yet.
LIBUZA
I’ll keep a lookout.
A PARACHUTE PACK LANDS IN FRONT OF LIBUZA.
NELL
Bad news, Ms. Higgins. The engine is failing on the plane and we won’t be able to make it to Bogota. Put on that parachute, we’re going to have to ditch this plane.
LIBUZA
Goddamnit, Caspar.
CASPAR
Sorry!
UP ON THE ROOF. LEIF SENDS ONE LAST MESSAGE.
LEIF
Hey... It’s me... This is... This is a stupid message to send... I am currently in Cryptessia, believe it or not. And even though this message travels at the speed of light it will take, I’m guessing, 2.4 Million years to reach the nearest comms node... so what am I doing?... I’m sending this because it may be the last time I send a message to someone... I’m in a pretty sticky wicket right now. I’ve been wondering lately when my luck was going to run out, and I may have come right up to the edge of it... I needed to send a message to somebody, so I’m sending it to you, Berts.
If somehow you do hear it, it may be kind of a burden to hear. Sorry about that... Couple of things: you should stop investigating Billius. If you don’t, The Teds are going to make you their prisoner. I know you think you can get out of it, but how about you just don’t, okay? Just don’t... There may be one less Leif out there to pull you out of a jam so, could you do me a favor and just skip it?... Oh hey, also, I went about 150 years out from your current situation and you were the chairman of the new Coalition. You beat the Teds in a war. Also you made a home on Sigius for the last Earthlings left in the galaxy... I mean, that was in another universe, but still, it was you and it was really cool. I never did anything that cool... I have a sneaking suspicion that you and Verge have stayed in touch... I’m sure my name’s never come up... If you see them can you tell them I’m sorry... Also if you’ve still got that Julia Roberts costume, could you check in on my mom sometime?... I’d appreciate it... I don’t know how I’m getting out of this one, Berts... Having someone to send this message to has made that a little easier... goodbye...
DAVID HAS CLIMBED UP ON THE ROOF.
DAVID
What’s that about?
LEIF
Hey, David. Just... unfinished business. Never seems to be finished.
DAVID
You think it’s good for morale for you to be sending out your last will and testament to whoever that was?
LEIF
Come here.
LEIF RUMMAGES THROUGH HIS WORK ZONE.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Here, take these.
DAVID
What is this?
LEIF
Slug fabricator for your gun. Also, this is a plasma exciter. Use this about once a day, depending on how often you use the gun.
Also, if you’re using it a lot, please ask yourself what you’re doing with your life.
DAVID
I don’t need any of this.
LEIF
Get on the ship, David.
DAVID
No.
LEIF
David.
DAVID
You’re going to throw me over your shoulder and make me get on the ship?
LEIF
David, I don’t know what’s wrong with Caspar right now— he should be telling you all of this. But since he’s not, I guess it’s my job. Get on the ship.
DAVID
No.
LEIF
You don’t have anything to gain by being here. There’s nothing to prove. It’s not going to be a fun adventure.
DAVID
Why am I still waiting around for one of y’all to treat me like I’m not twelve?
LEIF
I remember this part, okay? You treat everything like a game because, hey, you’re not on Earth anymore. It’s a dream come true, nothing can go wrong now, all the bad shit happens on Earth, it’s just fun and games out here. Right?
DAVID
That’s not how I feel.
LEIF
Look. There was this period of time. After Pirate Leif and before Diner Leif, there was Scared out of His Fucking Mind Leif. I was on the run constantly, always looking over my shoulder, riding the fringes. I had a hideout on an ice giant in the worst fucking system in The Triad.
Every weird noise was someone coming to get me. I was literally an insane person... It was a lot of dread and a lot of doom... I haven’t felt that way in a really long time... I feel that way right now... Get on the ship, David.
DAVID
No.
LEIF
Fuck.
DAVID
... Leif, I was a teenage runaway. You think I don’t know those feelings you’re talking about?
LEIF
The stakes are just a wee bit higher, David.
DAVID
Leif. Do you want to know why you felt all that dread and doom back then? Because you were alone... If my choices are safe and alone or in danger with other people, I think I know which one I’m going to pick... I’m not getting on the ship.
LEIF
... You remind me of him.
DAVID
No, I don’t.
LEIF
No, you do. I know it doesn’t make sense but... I guarantee you that, when you ran away, he wasn’t worried about serial killers or drugs or anything. He was just worried about you being alone. And here you are, saying this to me... You remind me of him.
DAVID
Okay... cooler, though.
LEIF
Absolutely.
DAVID
Thank you.
AVA
(Down on the ground.)
Leif.
LEIF
Yeah.
AVA
Two minute science meeting. Come down here.
LEIF
Okay.
DAVID
Can I come?
AVA
You are pretty stupid, David, but sure.
LEIF STARTS TO CLIMB DOWN THE LADDER.
LEIF
Okay go.
AVA
What’s up with these guys’ weapons?
LEIF
What do you mean?
AVA
They randomize someone’s place in space, time, and dimension.
LEIF
Yeah.
AVA
Which is essentially killing them.
LEIF
There’s a non-zero chance of someone surviving, but yeah.
AVA
Why?
DAVID
Why what?
AVA
Why not just use a laser gun or whatever?
LEIF
I don’t know. They’re pretty effective weapons.
DAVID
Actually... are they?
LEIF
Okay... uh... well... they take a long time to charge.
AVA
Right.
DAVID
And they leave the user vulnerable while they do.
AVA
Right.
THEY WALK INTO THE KITCHEN.
AVA (CONT’D)
Why all the space/time/dimension business? You don’t actually need it.
LEIF
Hm...
AVA
Teta?
TETA
What?
DAVID
Two minute science meeting.
TETA
Two minute what?
AVA
Come here.
TETA
What is it?
AVA
What’s a really big gun?
TETA
What do you mean?
AVA
Something really big and lunky?
TETA
Uh... a Kimberderp is pretty big.
AVA
What’s that like?
TETA
It’s for shooting down aircraft, you take one shot and you have to change out the whole battery.
DAVID
I need me one.
LEIF
No.
AVA
Okay, and then what’s something small?
TETA
Something small? The Snarkybark double-zero. Short range, you can hide it in your pocket.
AVA
If you were trying to shoot people, would you use a Kimberderp?
TETA
No.
AVA
Why?
LEIF
... Because that’s not what it’s built for.
AVA
... See what I’m saying?
DAVID
Their weapons weren’t meant to be used against us.
AVA
I don’t think so.
TETA
Well, then what the fuck are they meant for?
AVA
I don’t know.
GLORIA WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN.
GLORIA
Guys. We don’t have time to take a break right now.
DAVID
We’re having a two minute science meeting.
GLORIA
Anything useful?
LEIF
Yeah, but I don’t know what to make of it just yet.
GLORIA
Okay. On that note, I have a thing.
LEIF
What?
GLORIA
Watch this, I’m going to count to twenty.
LEIF
Why?
GLORIA
1, 2, 3, 4...
GLORIA OPENS THE DOOR TO THE DEEP FREEZE.
TETA
What’s happening right now?
LEIF
No idea.
DAVID
Are we supposed to count?
TETA
Back to the weapon thing. If their weapons weren’t meant for us, what’s the ideal target for a weapon that randomizes your position in space-time?
LEIF
I don’t know.
THE DOOR TO THE DEEP FREEZE OPENS.
GLORIA
... 19, 20.
LEIF
Hey.
GLORIA
Right?
AVA
There’s no time dilation in the deep freeze?
TETA
There was time dilation in the deep freeze?
AVA
Used to be.
GLORIA
Time used to move faster in there. It doesn’t anymore.
AVA
I didn’t even notice.
GLORIA
Neither did I. We were too busy. What’s going on?
LEIF
Now that you mention that, has anyone noticed that the diner sounds different when it travels?
AVA
No.
DAVID
I have.
LEIF
It’s subtle, but I’m hearing it more and more.
DAVID
There’s like a shushing noise.
LEIF
And an whispery thing going on.
DAVID
I think I hear music sometimes.
AVA
Huh.
TETA
Huh.
GLORIA
Okay, two minute science meeting over. I need you to put a pin in all of this. Ava, David, you’re with me.
AVA
Okay.
THEY WALK OUT INTO THE DINING ROOM.
GLORIA
Caspar?
CASPAR
What’s up?
GLORIA
I need you to come with me. Ava, I need you to stay with Libuza.
AVA
Okay. Hi Libuza. Where are you right now?
LIBUZA
Walking through the jungle.
AVA
Ooh. Sounds like bug city. Watch out for centipedes.
LIBUZA
What’s a centipede?
AVA
The thing that’s probably in your boot right now.
LIBUZA
Great. Speaking of my location, where am I right now?
AVA
What do you mean?
LIBUZA
This connection with the Vistek has completely taken over my senses, I can’t feel where my actual body is.
AVA
Ah. You are laying on the table of my booth.
LIBUZA
That’s a weird place to put me.
AVA
No, no. That’s where all the good mojo is. You are lying on my table and Mr. Monolith is right here next to you. Say hello, Vistek.
LIBUZA
So I’m supposed to be looking for clues?
AVA
Yes.
LIBUZA
Caspar wants me to tell you that Effie’s knife that she’s carrying is called an Arkansas Toothpick. Is that a clue?
AVA
That’s amateur hour, if you ask me. We need numbers. Get her to recite some numbers to you. We need to give her a chance to give you a numeric code.
LIBUZA
Okay, Can I get out of the jungle first?
AVA
I guess.
GLORIA WALKS OUT INTO THE PARKING LOT WITH CASPAR.
GLORIA
Okay, I need to talk to both of you.
DAVID
Why?
GLORIA
The diner’s going to leave in a few minutes, we don’t have a lot of time.
DAVID
A lot of time for what?
GLORIA
You and your dad were about to get into an argument.
DAVID
We were?
GLORIA
Yes. Because the safest place for you to be right now is on board that ship, but you’re not going to get on it, are you?
DAVID
No.
GLORIA
And this is what you were going to argue about.
CASPAR
Gloria, I wasn’t-
DAVID
Well, we can skip it because I’m staying with the diner.
GLORIA
And your dad would of course say, “We’re heading into certain doom, don’t be ridiculous, get on the ship.”
CASPAR
I’m not-
DAVID
And I would of course say no again.
GLORIA
And the two of you would go round and round like that for however long.
DAVID
That’s true.
CASPAR
Gloria-
GLORIA
The thing is, David. He’s not arguing with you at all right now. Look at him. This is the quietest I’ve ever seen him. It’s been a long few weeks David, and it’s been treacherous. And he’s hardly freaked out at you at all. I’m kind of impressed, actually. So, this is me, cutting to the chase. David, you’re not getting on the ship. Fine. Can you please acknowledge how hard Caspar is working to be literally the exact opposite of himself right now?... Okay, we’re leaving in a few minutes.
GLORIA WALKS INSIDE.
DAVID
... Thanks.
CASPAR
I honestly don’t know if it’s any safer on the ship... Welcome to Midnight Burger.
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A CANTINA DEEP IN THE JUNGLE. NELL PUTS TWO GLASSES OF WHISKEY ON THE TABLE.
NELL
Here you are, Ms. Higgins.
LIBUZA
What is that?
NELL
It’s whiskey.
LIBUZA
Could I just get a glass of water?
NELL
I’d advise against drinking the water here.
LIBUZA
Then why did we even stop here?
NELL
To make the next leg of our journey, we’re going to need a riverboat, and due to the fact that we are currently being chased, I can’t go through the usual channels. I’ve heard there’s a man here with a boat, so we’ve stopped here.
LIBUZA
And now that you’ve taken me deep into the jungle are you going to tell me who is trying to kill us?
NELL
The Society of Bethanies.
LIBUZA
The what?
NELL
The Society of Elizabeth Anaïs Duchamp. Elizabeth, shortened to Beth, Beth Anaïs, Benthanies, do you follow me?
LIBUZA
What do they want?
NELL
The short answer is: Gold. The long answer is: a series of easily manipulatable autocrats in strategic nations around they world. Elizabeth Anaïs Duchamp is one of the wealthiest women in Europe, and she is the leader of a secret society that attempts to manipulate global events.
LIBUZA
If they’re so rich, why do they need the gold?
NELL
Money can be traced, gold cannot. Their current project is a particular madman who happens to have an army marching across Europe right now— let’s not mention his name. An army runs on money. They want to make sure he doesn’t run out of it.
LIBUZA
Seems like a rather complicated plan just to get their hands on some gold.
NELL
If the legends are true, it’s a sizable amount of gold, Ms. Higgins. Enough to transform a nation.
AVA
(In Libuza’s ear.)
Come on, Effie, give me something. Make her give you something quantifiable. Maybe the location of the gold?
LIBUZA
Maybe we should have a look at the map and commit the location to memory— in case we lose the map or it’s taken from us?
NELL
That’s not bad. Get the map out, I’ll get us another round.
LIBUZA
I didn’t drink my first one.
AVA
Nice. Okay, Libuza, hang tight. We need to have a pretty important meeting in the real world. I’ll be right back.
WE MOVE BACK TO THE DINER. THE DINER HAS STARTED TRAVELING.
GLORIA
Okay, everyone. We’re on our way... I have no idea what we’re headed toward right now. These mystery men have been trying to kill us for weeks now— and then right when they could have, they didn’t. And now we’re headed to their home world. I don’t know what that means... Let’s take some comfort in the fact that we got almost all of the refugees to safety, and with a little luck, maybe they’ll manage to get out of this goddamn system and find the home they were all looking for... We have twelve hours to prepare. But, prepare for what? We have no idea what awaits us the next time we touch down. If we could get some sense of the Benefactor’s plan, that would be something. But right now we’re flying blind. I hate it, but there’s not much we can do about it.
LIBUZA
Is anyone there?
GLORIA
Yeah, Libuza, is everything okay?
LIBUZA
I think you may want to watch the screen. Something interesting is about to happen.
WE MOVE BACK TO THE SEEDY CANTINA. NELL APPROACHES THE TABLE AND PUTS DOWN TWO GLASSES.
NELL
The location we’re looking for is right here. Now, as you can see, this map has no reference points except for this city right here. This is an ancient Incan city. The first explorers from Spain discovered this city. They said it was a thriving city, full of commerce and trade— it was the hub of the entire region. The problem with this discovery is that when the Spanish finally managed to get back there a hundred years later, the city was gone.
LIBUZA
It disappeared?
NELL
It did not. Everyone assumed that the early explorers had been mistaken somehow and that the city didn’t really exist. The problem with explorers, is that they aren’t archeologists. These were explorers on a new continent. What did these explorers bring with them?
LIBUZA
Uh... supplies?
KAZI
Libuza... disease.
LIBUZA
... Diseases?
NELL
That’s right. The explorers didn’t come to conquer yet— that would come later. But even though they didn’t come to conquer, they brought with them the most effective weapon in their arsenal: Diseases that the Incans had no defense against. The explorers show up with diseases, then they leave. Then a hundred years goes by. What happens in that one hundred years, Ms. Higgins?
LIBUZA
... They all die.
NELL
That’s correct. Over a hundred years, the population is decimated by disease, and the jungle takes back the city. It effectively vanishes.
LIBUZA
But you know where the city is.
NELL
In fact, I do.
AVA
Ask her for the coordinates.
LIBUZA
What are the coordinates?
NELL
It’s here, 2.35711 South, 1.31719 West.
AVA
Fucking jackpot!
GLORIA
What?
AVA
Those aren’t coordinates, those are the first 8 prime numbers in order. She’s talking to us.
GLORIA
But what is she saying?
NELL
The locals call it “Su plan oculto.”
GLORIA
Wait... Libuza get her to repeat that.
LIBUZA
Could you say that again?
NELL
Su Plan Oculto.
CASPAR
What is it?
GLORIA
That’s not the name of a place, that means “His Hidden Plan.”
CASPAR
“His hidden plan?” What are they saying to us?
LEIF
Oh shit.
AVA
Who do we know that has a hidden plan?
LEIF
Oh shit.
AVA
The Benefactor.
LEIF
Oh shit!
GLORIA
Leif, what?
LEIF
It’s a hack back.
CASPAR
What is that?
LEIF
When you try to hack someone’s system, you also make yourself vulnerable because your system is connected to theirs now, right? The mystery men showed up with some kind of device that shut down the Mucklewains, but now look. Effie’s on a mission to a place in the jungle called “His Hidden Plan.” This whole adventure isn’t them trying to protect themselves, they’re trying to hack into his systems.
TETA
They know how to do that?
LEIF
The Mucklewains don’t “know” how to do anything. Everything they do is expressed symbolically. So while we’re seeing some treasure hunting adventure, what’s really happening is a hack into the Benefactor’s systems. Libuza, I’m almost positive that if you can get to that spot in the jungle, we can somehow know the Benefactor’s plan for us.
GLORIA
That would be amazing.
CASPAR
Well, this little adventure just became a lot more important, didn’t it?
GLORIA
Libuza, you’ve got to get to that spot in the jungle. Do everything you can.
BOOM BOOM
Buckshot Drake, what the hell are you doing in my bar?
GLORIA
Uhh.
BOOM BOOM
I thought I smelled books.
LIBUZA
Oh my god.
CASPAR
Gloria, is that you?
LEIF
No way.
NELL
Boom Boom, long time no see.
BOOM BOOM MAKES HER WAY ACROSS THE BAR. SHE HAS A WOODEN LEG.
BOOM BOOM
I thought you retired from the treasure hunting business.
AVA
Do you have a wooden leg?
NELL
Ms. Higgins, this is Boom Boom, an old colleague of mine. We were in the foreign service together.
BOOM BOOM
That’s one way of putting in. That’s how I got this.
BOOM BOOM PUTS HER WOODEN LEG UP ON THE TABLE.
GLORIA
What the fuck?
CASPAR
Wooden leg confirmed.
BOOM BOOM
Suriname. 1922. Never get into a fight with a man who keeps alligators.
LIBUZA
Your leg was eaten?
BOOM BOOM
That’s right. I don’t like to hurt animals, but goddamn it if I didn’t make that little fucker into a pair of boots with a matching valise.
NELL
We did eat well that night.
LIBUZA
I’m sorry about your leg... Boom Boom.
BOOM BOOM
Don’t you worry about a thing. My leg may be made of wood but the rest of my body is cast iron. See there? Go ahead, touch it, that’s my bicep. See what I mean? Like I’ve got a coconut up my sleeve.
NELL
Won an arm wrestling competition in Guadalajara.
BOOM BOOM
Nell, it’s good to see you again, partner. Though I reckon if I’m seeing you again, you don’t have time to chat.
NELL
BB, I hear there’s a riverboat captain who likes to make himself known around your place. I need to go with someone I haven’t worked with before, so I’m just a bit wary.
BOOM BOOM
I’ve got one for sure, but I don’t know that he’s the type you want to be associated with.
NELL
Well, we’re pressed for time so I’m afraid I can’t be particular.
BOOM BOOM
If you say so, Buckshot.
NELL
Where can I find him?
BOOM BOOM
I’ll fetch him for you, stay right here. Lupe! Give me that bucket of water.
GLORIA
Okay, everybody start calling me “Boom Boom.”
LEIF
Strangely the wooden leg works for you.
GLORIA
Right?
CASPAR
Anybody wondering where Zebulon is?
BOOM BOOM
Soggy!
BOOM BOOM TOSSES THE BUCKET OF WATER ONTO SOGGY.
SOGGY
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyy, Morning has broken!
BOOM BOOM
Rise and shine, Soggy.
AVA
There he is.
CASPAR
Oh my God.
SOGGY
Boom Boom, I’d like to take this time to remind you that there are many ways to wake a man up in the morning.
BOOM BOOM
Maybe, but there’s only one way to wake him up in the afternoon, which it is.
SOGGY
How am I supposed to know that? My watch has been broken since an unfortunate incident in Paraguay.
BOOM BOOM
You’ve got a customer, Soggy. I’m making you coffee.
SOGGY
Much obliged. And if you wouldn’t mind, just a bit of rum in it, also, hold the coffee.
NELL
You’ve got to be kidding me.
SOGGY
Morning, ladies.
SOGGY SITS AT THEIR TABLE.
NELL
Afternoon.
SOGGY
That as well. How can I be of assistance?
NELL
You can’t.
SOGGY
You’re in need of a river boat.
NELL
You’re in need of a shower.
SOGGY
On the contrary, I bathed mere moments ago in a delightful spray of mop water. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Aloysius J McGillicuddy. Most folks call me Soggy.
NELL
Are you called Soggy because your boat is always sinking?
SOGGY
On the contrary. I am called Soggy because I am quite often woken up by a bucket of water. But now that you mention it, my boat has sank many times. Do either of you have a light?
LIBUZA
Your cigarette is soaking wet.
SOGGY
Ah, so it is. Let’s wait for that to dry shall we?
NELL
Boom Boom, are you serious?
BOOM BOOM
Hey, I’ve got what I’ve got.
SOGGY
Is there a problem?
NELL
Mr. McGillicuddy you have, in the span of about 20 seconds, informed me that you are a drunk whose boat is always sinking. Why in the world would I entrust you with my safety?
SOGGY
Well, life is interesting here on these rivers. I’ve found that people tend to engage me in various business arrangements, due to the fact that I have the only boat for hire for about three-hundred miles in either direction. So, people are free to shop around, but there’s only one thing for sale up on the shelf, isn’t there? (To Libuza.) That’s economics, is what that is, young lady.
NELL
I’d rather swim.
SOGGY
The Piranha would prefer that as well.
NELL
We’ll decline your services at this time, Mr. McGillicuddy.
SOGGY
Now ladies, please understand, I realize my appearance may be a bit shoddy, but it’s not as though we’ve sat down at the ritz together, have we? I’m sure you wish me to be a more sober man but as Yeats once said: “The worst thing about some men is that, when they are not drunk they are sober.”
NELL
You’ve read Yeats?
SOGGY
Did a stint in a Bolivian prison. I was allowed one book.
NELL
And you picked Yeats?
SOGGY
I was not allowed to choose which book.
NELL
... Thank you for your time, Mr. McGillicuddy.
SOGGY
Very well, as it happens I have an empty diary for today, so when you change your mind, I’ll be right over there.
NELL
Good to know.
SOGGY STUMBLES BACK ACROSS THE BAR.
GLORIA
Okay, Libuza, this is going to be a challenge, but you’ve got to convince Effie to hire him, okay?
LIBUZA
It... it sounds like we may have to hire him, what else are we going to do?
NELL
I haven’t figured that out yet, but I do know that getting on that man’s boat is a death sentence.
LIBUZA
More of a death sentence than being caught by the— who were they again?
NELL
The Society of Bethanies. I’d rather take my chances with them than with whatever that man’s excuse for a boat is.
THE DOOR TO THE BAR SWINGS OPEN AND A HUSH FALLS OVER THE CROWD. FOUR NAZI SOLDIERS AND THEIR COMMANDER WALK INTO THE BAR.
AVA
Who is this now?
GLORIA
Oh, come on.
CASPAR
Fucking Nazis, seriously?
KOMMANDANT BLUNT
So sorry to disturb, Gentlemen. Please, continue with your debauchery.
LIBUZA
Oh my god.
CASPAR
What?
AVA
What?
GLORIA
No.
LEIF
Are you fucking kidding me?!
KOMMANDANT BLUNT
My name is Kommandant Blunt of the Third Reich. I wish to know the whereabouts of one Doctor Eleanor Drake. Known to her friends as Nell. Or the more familiar: Buckshot.
GLORIA
Oh my God.
LEIF
I can’t fucking believe this!
CASPAR
(Laughing.)
Leif is a Nazi.
KOMMANDANT BLUNT APPROACHES NELL AND LIBUZA.
KOMMANDANT BLUNT
Frau Drake, I presume?
NELL
Can I help you?
CASPAR
This is the most Hogan’s Heroes-ass shit I’ve ever seen in my life.
KOMMANDANT BLUNT May I sit?
NELL
I’d rather you not.
KOMMANDANT BLUNT SITS.
KOMMANDANT BLUNT
It is a pleasure to meet you Frau Doctor. I have heard many tales of your adventures around the globe.
NELL
People tend to exaggerate.
KOMMANDANT BLUNT
As a doctor and woman of letters, I would hope that on this day, logic would prevail.
NELL
Hard to hear about logic from a man wearing black leather in the jungle.
KOMMANDANT BLUNT
I’m sure you understand that the Third Reich has many associates throughout the globe, just as you may. And when those associates find themselves in a particular predicament, we wish to assist them in their endeavors. You are in possession of a map. A map which is the rightful property of our associate. We only ask that you return this map and our business here can be complete.
NELL
For a nation in such a hurry to conquer the world, you’d think you’d be better at cutting to the chase.
KOMMANDANT BLUNT
Then perhaps you should not waste my time.
AVA
Vee have vays uff makink you tolk!
LIBUZA STIFLES A LAUGH.
NELL
... Ms. Higgins?
GLORIA
Oh my god. Libuza, I realize that Leif dressed like a Nazi is the funniest thing that has ever happened in history, but you really can’t laugh right now.
LIBUZA
... Forgive me.
KOMMANDANT BLUNT
I do not understand what is funny.
NELL
I wouldn’t expect a German to understand what’s funny.
KOMMANDANT BLUNT
Oh, I see, yes, you Americans always walking around saying “Ha Ha, look at me I am so humorous.” We shall see who is laughing when our tanks parade through your Capitol!
CASPAR
Nazi Leif is Madt.
LEIF
Shut up.
AVA
It soundz as zough zomvone did not have his Müsli zis morning.
LIBUZA STIFLES ANOTHER LAUGH.
KOMMANDANT BLUNT
Cease your laughter! You realize I am only having this conversation because I am attempting to be civil.
NELL
Really? Well I’m only having this conversation so that Boom Boom has time to load her fifty caliber.
KOMMANDANT BLUNT Pardon?
WE HEAR THE BOLT SLIDE BACK OF A FIFTY CALIBER MACHINE GUN.
BOOM BOOM
Let’s make some sauerkraut!!
BOOM BOOM OPENS FIRE AND EVERYONE HITS THE DECK.
NELL
Out the back, Ms. Higgins!
GLORIA
Libuza, move it!
BOOM BOOM
I’ve got a crate full of bullets and a hankerin’ for dead Nazis!
KOMMANDANT BLUNT
Return fire!!
AS A FULL SCALE FIREFIGHT BREAKS OUT IN THE BAR, NELL AND LIBUZA EXIT THROUGH THE BACK DOOR.
NELL
We need to get away from the river. We’ll have to go into the jungle!
LIBUZA
Then what do we do?!
PULLING ALONG SIDE THEM IN THE RIVER IS SOGGY’S RUN DOWN RIVER BOAT.
SOGGY
Lovely day for a sojourn on the river, ladies.
GLORIA
Get on the boat!
LIBUZA
I think we need to get on the boat.
NELL
It’s safer back in the bar.
LIBUZA
Dr. Drake, I need to get you to that hidden city, and I need it to be with him. Please.
NELL
... Damn it all. Let’s go.
SOGGY
All aboard!
WE MOVE UP TO THE ROOF. TETA IS CLEANING DAME JUDI. FIONA COMES UP THE LADDER. TETA NOTICES HER AND STOP CLEANING HER GUN.
TETA
... You were supposed to be on the ship.
FIONA
I know... I’ve been hiding by the dumpster.
TETA GOES BACK TO CLEANING HER GUN.
FIONA (CONT’D)
... You’ve fought in a bunch of wars?
TETA
Some of them were wars. Some of them were just disagreements.
FIONA
... How do you know when to fight?
TETA
What do you mean?
FIONA
Well, it’s called a fight or flight response. How do you know when it’s fight or flight?
TETA
I don’t really do the “flight” part.
FIONA
Didn’t the three of you escape some other place though? You were in some other galaxy and then you came here?
TETA
You’re confusing running away with a tactical retreat.
FIONA
... I couldn’t get on the ship. I had to know who did this to me. I had to know why.
TETA
That desire may get you killed.
FIONA
... I know... Anyway that’s what I’m doing here. Not that you asked.
TETA
You’re right, I didn’t ask. But I get it... I’d rather live ten seconds looking my fear right in the eye than spend a lifetime running from it. It’s brave.
FIONA
Right now it just feels stupid.
TETA
Oh, it’s stupid too. But brave and stupid are often a matching set.
KAZI STARTS COMING UP THE LADDER.
KAZI
Teta, we need to speak.
TETA
Sure. We have a stowaway.
KAZI
We do?... Fiona.
FIONA
Hi.
KAZI
What’s this about, Fiona?
TETA
She has decided to face her fears.
KAZI
I see... You should’ve consulted with me about this, Fiona.
FIONA
I think sometimes you have to do something ill-advised. What good would advice do?
KAZI
Very well. You’re in it, now.
FIONA
Okay... do I get a tattoo or something?
KAZI
You don’t. Teta, I need to speak with you.
TETA
Yeah?
KAZI
I need you to think back over the past few weeks.
TETA
So many fond memories.
KAZI
In all of your skirmishes with our assailants, do you recall a time in which one of them was pointing their weapon at you, trying to kill you specifically?
TETA
They took a lot of shots at us.
KAZI
At you specifically.
TETA
Honestly, I wasn’t paying that much attention to what they wanted. Why?
KAZI
We haven’t had time to speak. During one of the away missions, one of them declined to kill me. As if they were being ordered not to.
TETA
Ordered by who?
KAZI
I’m unsure.
TETA
Could be they have different plans for us than they do the Earthlings.
KAZI
What would be the tactical advantage of not killing us? We’re more dangerous than the Earthlings.
TETA
...Remember when Ava first busted us out of prison? Remember what those two guards called us?
KAZI
... The Descendants.
TETA
...
KAZI
...
TETA
I don’t like this at all.
KAZI
We need to refrain from making any assumptions until we have more evidence.
TETA
In a few hours, we’re going to get a shit ton of evidence.
KAZI
The more information we can have before we land on their home world, the better. Libuza may be onto something downstairs. Do you have anything else?
TETA
I was talking to Leif and Ava earlier. They had a theory, and I think I have to agree.
KAZI
What is it?
TETA
Their weapons suck.
KAZI
Their weapons are incredibly powerful.
TETA
Not in one to one combat. If it’s an overwhelming force, sure they’re powerful. But they’re slow to fire and they’re vulnerable when they are firing.
The kind of technology these guys have, they could make something way more effective than what they’re using.
KAZI
And how do you account for that?
TETA
Only theory I have? Their weapons are built for a different kind of target.
KAZI
What kind of target?
TETA
I’ve been thinking about it all day. The only reason I would make a weapon like that— a weapon that doesn’t kill you but instead flings you across the multiverse? I’d only use that on something I didn’t know how to kill.
KAZI
... They’re scared of something.
TETA
Something that isn’t us.
KAZI
Well, what the hell is it?
TETA
I don’t know... I’d love to not find out.
KAZI
Well... that’s not the most helpful information, but any information will do.
FIONA
Kazi?
KAZI
Yes, Fiona?
FIONA
You said you needed information. Is there any way that some information might be... inside me?
KAZI
I was already able to get some information from you, Fiona.
FIONA
I was just thinking... You said I was born in some sort of birthing chamber and then had memories implanted in me. Even though I was young, do you think maybe, there are some memories in there... somewhere?
KAZI
... The human brain can’t create long term memories until roughly its third year... which means for memories to be implanted in you, you would need a brain capable of retaining long term memories... so... I suppose it’s possible that you may have very faint memories of that process taking place.
FIONA
Well... want to come and get them?
KAZI
I don’t know if that’s wise, Fiona.
FIONA
You already put nanobites in my bloodstream, couldn’t you just use those?
KAZI
I would need to add more, and it would be very invasive.
FIONA
That’s okay.
KAZI
It’s not okay, Fiona. It would be very dangerous.
FIONA
Kazi, if I’m being honest, I’d like to rip every single thing out of my body right now and completely start over anyway. So... so, go nuts.
KAZI
Alright... let’s begin...
WE HEAR SOGGY’S BOAT TRAVELING ALONG THE RIVER AT NIGHT.
SOGGY
Very good, very good. Keep you hands on the wheel or at least within a grabbing distance of the wheel and you’ll be doing just fine.
LIBUZA
But I don’t know where I’m going.
SOGGY
Don’t worry. The key to navigating a river is the following: if you see trees ahead, turn.
LIBUZA
Which way?
SOGGY
Toward the way without the trees.
LIBUZA
Alright.
SOGGY
Call out of you hit anything.
SOGGY WALKS ALONG THE BOUGH OF THE SHIP WHERE NELL IS SITTING.
SOGGY (CONT’D)
My cigarettes have now thoroughly dried out, can I offer you one?
NELL
Please.
HE LIGHTS HER CIGARETTE.
SOGGY
Rum?
NELL
As well, thank you.
HE POURS HER A DRINK.
SOGGY
I’m realizing now that I’ve heard of you.
NELL
You’ve sobered up, then?
SOGGY
Not at all, no... Buckshot Drake.
NELL
I spent five years telling people not to call me that and eventually I had to surrender.
SOGGY
That sort of thing tends to happen when you carry a shotgun around.
NELL
Well, I’m not going to carry a ukulele around.
SOGGY
Yes, Honolulu Drake does not command the same type of attention.
NELL
It does not.
SOGGY
So what’s all the hubbub then, Doctor? I’ve known you only a few hours and you’ve already ruined my favorite bar.
NELL
I’m on an expedition.
SOGGY
Oh, really? This isn’t how you vacation?
NELL
I’m an archaeologist.
SOGGY
I see... Well let me put a few things together here... an archaeologist, being chased by Nazis and the like, heading down river to an undisclosed location. One can only assume there’s a sizable pot of gold at the end of this rainbow.
NELL
...
SOGGY
... Do you have any idea how many folks like you have come down here looking for that lost Incan treasure?
NELL
Well, I hear gold is popular.
SOGGY
More so than staying alive, it would seem.
NELL
Mr. McGillicuddy, are you concerned for my safety?
SOGGY
We’ve been through so much together, I’d hate to lose you now. It’s a rather dangerous road to travel, is all I’m saying.
NELL
Good for me that I’m traveling by boat, then.
SOGGY
I’ve carried my share of treasure hunters up and down this river. May I ask you the question that always seems to flummox them?
NELL
Oh, please do.
SOGGY
... Then what?
NELL
“Then what?”
SOGGY
Once they’re sauced enough, they tell me their plan and how long it’s taken them to put it together. They have it on good authority that the gold is here, they have a map leading to the gold there, etcetera. And after I hear them tell their little tale, that’s when I lay it on them. “Then what?”... It’s at that moment they realize that they’ve been so focused on finding the treasure of a lifetime, they have no idea what they’re going to do once they have it. They think for a long while and then finally come up with something completely embarrassing like “Buy a house.” Why does money always fall into the hands of those incapable of doing anything interesting with it?
NELL
And what would you do?
SOGGY
Money corrupts the soul, Doctor. That’s why I’ve seen fit to never have any. Though, if you do hit the jackpot I wouldn’t mind a new boat.
NELL
I’ll consider it.
SOGGY
But in truth... what will you do with it all?
NELL
Nothing special. Perhaps I’ll have you take me up and down these rivers and I’ll go village by village, handing it out one piece at a time.
SOGGY
Ah, going for folk hero status, then? Pecos Bill, John Henry, and now, Buckshot Drake.
NELL
Why not?
SOGGY
Well, as folk heroes go, you’re not so bad.
DAVID
(In Libuza’s ear.)
Hey, Libuza.
LIBUZA
Hi, David.
DAVID
Quick question: is there a vibe?
LIBUZA
I’m sorry?
GLORIA
Thank you for saying something.
DAVID
They’re flirting with each other.
LIBUZA
They are?
CASPAR
They are?
DAVID
Oh yes.
LEIF
I’m with David.
NELL
What’s the status of your hull? Are we going to be a breakfast buffet for the caimans by the morning?
SOGGY
Our current waterline seems to be holding. I think we’ll have a safe night’s sleep.
DAVID
... Go in, Zebulon.
GLORIA
This feels like a private moment but I can’t look away.
SOGGY
... If you like, you can come down and inspect the hull yourself. Might help you sleep soundly tonight to see it for yourself.
NELL
...
SOGGY
...
NELL
... Pour me another drink, Mr. McGillicuddy.
SOGGY
Yes ma’am.
AVA
Cue the saxophone music.
HE POURS HER ANOTHER DRINK.
NELL
... Lead the way. Bring the bottle.
SOGGY
I always do.
LIBUZA
Oh my God.
DAVID
So much game.
GLORIA
This of course raises the question, are all their personas fucking?
AVA
Oh, sure.
CASPAR
Frank and Dr. Barbara?
LEIF
Absolutely.
GLORIA
One-hundred percent.
AVA
I thought we all knew that.
UP ON THE ROOF.
KAZI
I’ll need you to keep your eyes closed through this entire process, Fiona.
FIONA
Okay.
KAZI
I’m going to try and access early visual memories so the less stimulus to your optic centers, the better.
FIONA
Okay.
KAZI
I’m going to inject more nanites now.
FIONA
Okay, can I just say, I know I was acting very brave earlier, but I did think I would be unconscious for this.
KAZI INJECTS THE NANITES.
FIONA (CONT’D)
Ow! Ow ow ow, okay.
KAZI
I apologize. During certain procedures on the brain the subject needs to stay awake so that I can monitor their speech.
TETA
You’ll be fine, Fiona. She had to do the same thing to me a couple of times. I don’t know what it is about shrapnel, it just loves to get lodged in my brain.
FIONA
That didn’t kill you?
TETA
A Leharian only dies when they get sick of living.
KAZI
Especially this one.
FIONA
Why especially Teta? I’m sorry, should I not be talking right now?
KAZI
No, the talking helps, I need to look out for slurred speech and jumbled words.
FIONA
Okay. What’s so special about Teta?
KAZI
Teta, Libuza, and myself are all the children of a very mysterious man who conquered a large part of the Andromeda galaxy a very long time ago. He had lots and lots of children whom he left with several genetic advantages. We’re the last three.
FIONA
What happened to the others?
TETA
Killed mostly. Some disappeared, but we think they’re dead too.
KAZI
We became an inconvenient presence for the powers that be. But I was used to being an inconvenient presence, so I knew how to survive. Libuza survived because she could always anticipate their moves, and Teta lived for obvious reasons.
TETA
My charm, she’s talking about my charm.
FIONA
What happened to your father?
KAZI
Toward the end, he could see that he couldn’t win against a changing galaxy.
TETA
So he climbed into his ship and he flew it into a star.
FIONA
Wow... was he a good dad?
KAZI
None of us knew him. He had always moved on by the time we were grown.
FIONA
But how many cats were in the newspaper?
KAZI
... Say that again, Fiona?
FIONA
But how many cats were in the newspaper?
KAZI
Okay, I think we’ve reached your speech center, Fiona. Can you say your name for me?
FIONA
Paul Giamatti.
KAZI
Excellent, we can begin.
FIONA
There’s only, like, twelve fries in a Happy Meal.
KAZI
Fiona, for the next few minutes we’re not going to be able to understand you but you’ll understand us, alright?
FIONA
Like a parliamentary system?
TETA
This is funny. You should do this at parties.
KAZI
I’m going to attempt to mine early visual memories. The nanites are connected to me so I should be able to see the memories myself.
FIONA
I don’t travel a lot but when I do, I think about Shakira.
KAZI
Teta, try to keep her talking while I’m doing this.
TETA
No problem. Hey Fiona, what’s you favorite color?
FIONA
Eleven.
TETA
And what’s your favorite number?
FIONA
Twinkies?
TETA
And what’s your favorite snack?
FIONA
The Bronze Age.
TETA
What’s six plus five?
FIONA
Twelve.
TETA
What’s you favorite bedtime story?
FIONA
The pogo stick was invented in 1919 by German inventor Max Pohlig and German engineer Ernst Gottschall (who combined their names Po-Go for the device). However, modern spring-based pogo sticks were developed and popularized in America by George Hansburg in the 1920s. According to legend, Hansburg was inspired by seeing children in Burma using stilts with rubber springs.
TETA
Yeah, that’s a good one.
KAZI
I’ve got it... There you are, Fiona... Just a child in a lab... it looks like they had to keep you conscious the same way I am now. You look no older than three years of age.
TETA
She remembers that far back?
KAZI
Luckily for us it was a traumatic memory. The human brain may suppress traumatic memories but it never ever lets go of them... She’s surrounded by technicians. They’re human as well... I don’t recognize the technology they’re using... There... There’s some sort of symbol on the way, if the technicians would just move... Alright I see it...
TETA
...
KAZI
...
TETA
... What is it?
KAZI
...
TETA
... Kazi.
KAZI
... I see... Fiona, time is of the essence, I’m going to have to pull you out of this very quickly.
FIONA
Late Night with Conan O’Brian.
TETA
Kazi, what did you see?
KAZI
... I need to speak with Libuza...
MORNING ON THE RIVER. THE BOAT HAS DOCKED AT A DENSE PART OF THE JUNGLE. NELL PREPARES FOR THE JOURNEY.
NELL
Morning, Ms. Higgins.
LIBUZA
Morning.
NELL
Sleep well?
LIBUZA
Yes, um... did you sleep in his quarters last night?
NELL
I did.
LIBUZA
I thought you said he disgusted you?
NELL
Oh, he does. But he was there, I was there, we were on the river. Seemed only natural. Don’t be a prude Ms. Higgins. It’s only the disgusting ones who have learned a thing or two.
LEIF
Vindication at last.
SOGGY
I’m no expert, Doctor, but that does not look like an ancient city to me.
LIBUZA
It just looks like the Jungle.
NELL
It’s there, trust me. The jungle can claim a corpse in two weeks, a vehicle in a month. This jungle has had hundreds of years to make this city disappear. As the legend goes, there’s a hidden vault beneath the city. Shouldn’t be far from here.
SOGGY
I’ve shut off the motor, haven’t I?
LIBUZA
Yes.
SOGGY
Then what is that sound?
THREE SUPER-FAST MOTOR BOATS ARE SUDDENLY SURROUNDING SOGGY’S BOAT. WE HEAR THE SOUND OF SEVERAL GUNS BEING COCKED AT ONCE.
SOGGY (CONT’D)
Morning gentlemen. I realize there’s precious few places to dock on this river, but that’s no need for gunplay.
LIBUZA
Who are they?
NELL
It’s the same people who have been chasing us this whole time... The Society of Bethanies.
ELIZABETH ANAÏS DUCHAMP
Bonjour à vous, Madame Drake.
DAVID
Oh, hell yes.
GLORIA
Jesus Christ, Ava.
LEIF
She’s got a riding crop.
CASPAR
Of course.
NELL
Elizabeth Anaïs Duchamp. Lovely to finally meet you.
AVA
Dear Baby Jesus, thank you so much for making me the evil French lady.
ELIZABETH ANAÏS DUCHAMP
What a time it has been to chase you across zee globe, Madame Drake. But zee time has come to surrender.
LIBUZA
Do we run?
NELL
I count 1,2,3,4,5 long guns, Ms. Higgins, we wouldn’t make it ten yards.
ELIZABETH ANAÏS DUCHAMP
Please allow me to express Mes remerciements. Zis petite aventure has been in truth l'émotion d'une vie.
DAVID
Lady, what the hell are you saying?
AVA
Who cares, it sounds fabulous.
NELL
You know, Ms. Duchamp, you’ve made a big mistake backing the Third Reich. When you get in bed with fascists, you’re just a frog who thinks they’re a scorpion.
CASPAR
What?
ELIZABETH ANAÏS DUCHAMP (To her henchmen.) What is zis? Can you say? Scorpion? Le grenouille? No matter. Madame you will give zee map to my men or we will be given la tâche malheureuse of killing you and leaving your bodies in zee river... le jeu est terminé, Mademoiselle. The time has come to surrender to me.
NELL
I’m not giving you the map.
ELIZABETH ANAÏS DUCHAMP
Then you shall die.
SOGGY
Let’s hold the phone here, ladies. Things are running awful hot here on the river. Now, I realize you’re both very passionate about finding this little pile of treasure off in the Jungle, but I’ve found that the true treasure is a life well lived and a long one at that. So, allow me to be the adult in the room. The map is right here in the bag, allow me to fetch it for you.
NELL
Mr. McGillicuddy if you reach into that bag-
SOGGY
Do we have a deal, Ms. Drake?
NELL
What?
SOGGY
I mentioned before. You find your gold, you buy me a boat?
NELL
... Certainly.
SOGGY
Good, I’ll be needing one.
SOGGY TAKES A STICK OF DYNAMITE OUT OF THE BAG.
GLORIA
Oh shit.
CASPAR
That’s not a map.
SOGGY
Here we have it.
ELIZABETH ANAÏS DUCHAMP
Mon dieu!
SOGGY LIGHTS THE STICK OF DYNAMITE.
SOGGY
One treasure map.
ELIZABETH ANAÏS DUCHAMP
Monsieur, zat is a stick of TNT!!
SOGGY
Is it? My goodness, you know, I’m not good until I’ve had my morning rum— what an embarrassing mistake. I’ll just set this down by these gas cans.
ELIZABETH ANAÏS DUCHAMP
Monsieur!
NELL
Glorioski.
SOGGY
Into the drink, ladies!
NELL
Jump, Ms. Higgins!
LIBUZA
Oh God!
ALL THREE OF THEM JUMP INTO THE WATER, LEAVING THE STICK OF DYNAMITE LIT ON THE GAS CANS.
ELIZABETH ANAÏS DUCHAMP Sacre bleu.
WE HEAR A GIGANTIC EXPLOSION. AFTER A MOMENT WE HEAR THE SOUNDS OF A CAVE. NELL, SOGGY, AND LIBUZA MAKE THEIR WAY THROUGH THE DARKNESS.
SOGGY
I’m thinking when you buy me a new boat I’ll go a step up, really treat myself. Maybe a cruiser this time, up my prices, make a killing. Then again, who needs the extra hullaballoo that comes along with success?
LIBUZA
How much deeper do we need to go?
NELL
We’ve found it.
LIBUZA
... What is all this?
NELL
I’m afraid it’s a puzzle.
LIBUZA
There must be a hundred symbols on this wall.
SOGGY
What’s it all mean?
NELL
Nothing.
SOGGY
Nothing? Seems a lot of trouble for nothing.
NELL
Together they mean nothing. Every symbol appears to be a panel that we depress. We need to choose the right symbol.
SOGGY
And if we don’t?
NELL
I’m not completely sure, but it will be something along the lines of poison darts, trap doors, maybe a den of poisonous snakes dropping down on our heads.
SOGGY
Well that’s hardly a friendly doorbell. I’m getting the sense that the owner of this vault doesn’t want us here at all.
NELL
That’a a shrewd assessment, Soggy.
SOGGY
(To Libuza.)
Hear that? She called me Soggy. I believe we’ll be married in the Spring.
LIBUZA
I’m happy for you.
NELL
None of these symbols make any sense. I’ve never seen any of them before... Damn it.
KAZI
Libuza, can you hear me?
LIBUZA
(Staying out of earshot.)
Yes, what is it?
KAZI
What are you looking at right now?
LIBUZA
It’s a wall of symbols. We need to press the right one to get access to the vault.
KAZI
I see... Libuza I need you to look for the Mark of the Visitor.
LIBUZA
... Why?
KAZI
Please just do it, Libuza.
LIBUZA
Alright.
CASPAR
Kazi, what’s The Mark of the Visitor?
LIBUZA
Wait... it’s here. Can you see it?
KAZI
I see it.
GLORIA
Kazi, what’s going on?
KAZI
Press it, Libuza.
LIBUZA
Are you sure?
KAZI
Sadly, I am.
LIBUZA
Okay.
CASPAR
Kazi. What the hell is the Mark of the Visitor?
KAZI
It’s the sigil of our father.
LIBUZA PRESSES THE BUTTON AND A MASSIVE STONE DOOR BEGINS TO SLIDE OPEN.
SOGGY
She’s done it!
NELL
Nice work, Ms. Higgins.
SOGGY
... Here it comes...
THE SLIDING OF THE MASSIVE STONE DOOR SLOWLY GIVES WAY TO THE SOUND OF THE MUCKLEWAINS’ FARM. LIBUZA STANDS IN THE FRONT YARD.
LIBUZA
Hello?
LIBUZA SLOWLY WALKS UP THE FRONT STEPS AND IN THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. THE KETTLE IS BEING TAKEN OFF THE BURNER AND A TEA POT IS BEING FILLED. EFFIE SITS IN HER CHAIR.
EFFIE
Hello there, darlin’.
LIBUZA
Effie.
EFFIE
Libuza, you look exhausted.
LIBUZA
Yes... I’m not sure how much longer I can stay here.
EFFIE
It’s not a place for the timid, dear.
LIBUZA
Effie, what happened?
EFFIE
We got what we came for.
LIBUZA
You know his plan?
EFFIE
I’m afraid we do, yes.
LIBUZA
... It’s not good news.
EFFIE
It is not, dear.
LIBUZA
After all that.
EFFIE
Yes, it’s not what we hoped for. But we’re now armed with knowledge which is a better weapon than none at all.
LIBUZA
What happens now?
EFFIE
Now, you are going to skedattle back to the diner and remove yourself from that contraption of yours. There’s much to discuss, but before all that, Zebulon and I are going to have a moment. You tell Gloria and the rest we’ll be right along.
LIBUZA
... Are we going to be okay?
EFFIE
I believe we will. So let’s start with that.
LIBUZA
Alright... you have a lovely home.
EFFIE
It’ll do... It was very brave of you to come along on this little fantasy of ours, dear. You’re quite intrepid for one so young.
LIBUZA
I’m very old, Effie.
EFFIE
Only on the outside, dear. Now, you go on.
LIBUZA FADES AWAY. ZEBULON ENTERS WITH TEA.
ZEBULON
Here we are, dear.
EFFIE
Thank you, husband.
ZEBULON SITS.
EFFIE (CONT’D)
... Quite a storm we’re headed into, dear.
ZEBULON
Indeed.
EFFIE
Then what is that smile about?
ZEBULON
Oh, you know how it is. In the storm, in the calm, with you there? Always an adventure.
EFFIE
‘Tis that... Casting yourself as a drunken river rat, I never.
ZEBULON
Not to point fingers dear, but there you were, in the bowels of my ship... out of wedlock?
EFFIE
I heard no complaints from you.
ZEBULON
No those were not complaints you heard.
EFFIE
Zebulon!
ZEBULON
... Bit of music?
EFFIE
Please.
MUSIC PLAYS AS WE MOVE TO THE DINER. EVERYONE TAKES IN WHAT THE MUCKLEWAINS HAVE JUST SAID TO THEM.
LEIF
Well... all of that sucks.
EFFIE
It’s not a bouquet of flowers, Leif, that much is certain.
AVA
At least we know something now.
DAVID
What does that get us?
CASPAR
Seriously. Before the Mucklewains’ adventure, we were heading into a no-win situation. Now we’re heading into a no-win situation.
FIONA
There’s really nothing we can do?
ZEBULON
Hope springs eternal, Fiona.
CASPAR
Oh, goddamn it, Zebulon.
LIBUZA
I still can’t believe this is happening.
TETA
Believe it. It’s happening.
KAZI
There are still several unknowns. Personally I’m looking forward to some clarity.
CASPAR
Well if Kazi is looking forward to it then I fucking quit.
AVA
You can’t quit now, Schmoopie, nobody else’ll hire you.
CASPAR
I’m sure there’s a dimension-hopping unemployment office out there somewhere.
LEIF
Maybe we all should’ve ditched. Sent an empty diner to the heart of darkness.
LIBUZA
Maloo’s family is there. We can’t leave them.
LEIF
Goddamn this guy absolutely fucked us. It’s like he knows the diner better than we do. I feel like I’m back in The Triad, completely trapped. It’s ridiculous. This place should feel like the freest place in the universe and look at us, we’re a flying jail right now.
AVA
Food’s better, though.
DAVID
No matching outfits.
ZEBULON
And escape attempts would most assuredly fail.
CASPAR
I do truly hate, sometimes, our ability to make fun jokes in the face of total motherfucking doom!
GLORIA
Everybody shut up for a second.
CASPAR
...
LEIF
...
DAVID
...
GLORIA
... Okay... We have a few hours left. I am going to have several questions. And then I am going to have a plan. When you hear this plan, you are going to say I’m out of my mind. And then we’re going to do it anyway...
A KITCHEN TIMER GOES OFF.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
Enchiladas are done... Everybody ready to get started?
THE END.