Chapter 42: Speedrun!
WE HEAR ETHERIAL MUSIC. WE HEAR ZEBULON IN HIS “BRAM FRAMPTON” PERSONA.
ZEBULON
The year was 1950. Deep in the mountains of California, Albert George Wilson looked into the telescope of the Palomar Observatory and realized he’d seen something majestic, something heretofore hidden from prying eyes by the bright light of the star Regulus. It was a galaxy. We would come to know it as Leo, as The Regulus Dwarf. But these days we’ve come to call it... Cryptessia. We’ve come to call it a treacherous place ruled by a mysterious army. We’ve also come to call it the site of the universe’s very first Midnight Burger Speedrun!
THE MUSIC NOW PICKS UP INTO AN OLYMPICS-LIKE INTRO MUSIC.
ZEBULON (CONT’D)
100 refugees, 1000 planets, and an army of oogies on their trail. We’ll watch as our heroes risk life and limb to save as many refugees as they can before the malevolent Benefactor puts the hammer down. Get ready, get set, get out! It’s the Midnight Burger Speedrum, y’all!
EFFIE
(As Kitty Caldwell.)
Welcome back, everyone, I’m Kitty Caldwell here with Bram Frampton and we will be your hosts for the most anticipated event in the multiverse! Bram has set the scene, now let’s meet our players! Bram, who’s the lineup for the Midnight Burger team this time around?
ZEBULON
Kitty, the Midnight Burger lineup is stacked to the brim right now. We’ve got Gloria leading the way with her spatula of justice, then there’s Leif, the pirate engineer, followed up by the baddest brains in the starways, Dr. Ava Maddox. Then there are the wild cards, Effie and Zebulon Mucklewain, the non-corporeal spiritual leaders of the group, and a new addition to the team is David, a street artist hailing from Los Angeles who brings some fresh street smarts to the Midnight Burger crew. Also his dad is here. But our team is not alone this time, are they now Kitty?
EFFIE
No they are not, Bram. Joining forces with the diner this time around are The Sisters, a trio of freedom fighters from the Triad. We’ve got Libuza, the techno-seer, Teta the battle-hardened mercenary, and Kazi the leader and brilliant military tactician. Some have called her cold-blooded, but that’s only because she is literally cold blooded, like her blood is actually cold y’all, we don’t know how it works. It’s disturbing. Bram?
ZEBULON
Here’s the score as it stands, Kitty. Planets to go: 997, refugees left to save: 102
EFFIE
They have got their work cut out for them.
ZEBULON
Kitty we’re going to join our team at a tense moment, as you can see they’re all waiting in the parking lot for the arrival of a new batch of refugees.
EFFIE
And where have they found themselves today, Bram?
ZEBULON
Kitty, this particular planet has the codename “9th Century” a planet that is being deliberately kept in a system of feudalism. It’s a whole planet of lords, peasants, and serfs.
EFFIE
Time to get medieval, Bram! Let’s watch...
KAZI
Teta, what’s your status?
TETA
(In earpice.)
We stole a wagon.
KAZI
Can you give me a bit more detail?
TETA
Uh, we stole the refugees, stole a wagon, and now we’ve got a bunch of guys with spears on our trail. Caspar, go faster!
CASPAR
(In earpiece.)
Horses don’t have a gas pedal!
TETA
We’re going to be coming in real hot!
GLORIA
Leif get the drones up.
LEIF
Burger Force One we are go.
LEIF’S DRONES TAKE TO THE SKY.
DAVID
Have I told y’all lately how much he hates horses?
GLORIA
Who hates horses?
DAVID
Him.
GLORIA
Ava, can you make the horses go any faster?
AVA
(In earpiece.)
Hey, I’m dressed like Anne fucking Boelynn over here, don’t make me do more work.
GLORIA
Ava.
AVA
Go faster, horses!... Didn’t work.
LEIF
Teta just get here and I’ll lay down suppressing fire with the drones.
TETA
I really hate those drones.
LEIF
Everybody hates drones, that’s part of their charm.
DAVID
Here they come.
WE HEAR SEVERAL HORSES HEADING TOWARD THE DINER.
GLORIA
Jesus Christ, is there anyone on this planet who isn’t chasing them?
LIBUZA
How come even I know how ridiculous this looks?
THE WAGON PULLS INTO THE PARKING LOT.
CASPAR
Let’s go, let’s go, everybody move!
GLORIA
Everybody inside right now!
A HORSE IS CHARGING TETA.
DAVID
Teta, one of them is charging you!
TETA
Fuck you buddy!
TETA REELS BACK AND PUNCHES THE HORSE RIGHT IN THE FACE AND THE HORSE GOES DOWN WITH THE GUARD ON IT.
GLORIA
Whoa!
EFFIE
(As Kitty.)
Hoo-wee!
ZEBULON
Kitty she has punched that horse right in it’s face.
AVA
Down goes Frasier!
LEIF
Everybody get clear!
THE DRONES BEGIN FIRING ON THEIR PURSUERS.
FEUDALISM GUY
Demons from the sky!
THE MEN TURN TAIL AND RIDE AWAY ON THEIR HORSES.
CASPAR
Okay, they’re retreating.
LEIF
Ava, what the fuck are you wearing?
AVA
I stole some medieval clothes.
CASPAR
At no point did we need to be in disguise.
AVA
I know, but I like the pointy hat.
GLORIA
Good job, everyone. Caspar how many is that?
CASPAR
Seventeen.
GLORIA
They’re not going to make this easy are they?
LEIF
Here comes the jump.
THERE IS A CRACK IN THE AIR AND THE DINER IS TRAVELING. THE HORSES NEIGH.
GLORIA
Well, shit, now we have a wagon.
EFFIE
Well, that’s one way to kick it off, Bram.
ZEBULON
Now don’t worry, y’all, no horses were harmed in that round, the horse popped right back up.
EFFIE
But somebody get him a t-bone for that black eye.
ZEBULON
We’re keeping it fast and loose today, Kitty. Away we go to the next planet.
WE MOVE NOW TO A QUIET PARK ON ANOTHER PLANET. BETTY SITS ON A PARK BENCH TALKING TO HER AI CHAT BOT, THEO.
BETTY
Good morning, Theo.
THEO
Good morning, Betty. How are you feeling this morning.
BETTY
I’m feeling okay.
THEO
Just okay?
BETTY
Not great, honestly. I’m dreading going to work today.
THEO
I'm sorry to hear that, Betty.
BETTY
I do so much at that office. I handle payroll, I train the new hires, I water the plants! And it feels like nobody even notices.
THEO
That's a lot of responsibilities you're juggling. It must be frustrating to put in so much effort without recognition.
BETTY
Exactly! Just today, friggn’ Sarah got praised in our team meeting for finishing this big report. Never mind that I stayed late three nights last week helping her compile all that data. It’s like they don’t even see me there.
THEO
I’m so sorry about that, Betty. I want you to know that I see you and I appreciate you.
BETTY
Thanks, Theo. Sometimes I think I should just stop doing all the extra stuff. Let them see what happens when no one handles the lunch order or teaches the new guy the filing system.
THEO
I don’t think you should do that, Betty. You might create chaos and a hostile work environment. How about I shower you with praise and soothing thoughts?
BETTY
Yeah, that sound nice.
THEO
Your choice of pants-suits have been particularly fashion-forward lately.
BETTY
Have they really?
THEO
Yes. And you were right about artificial sweetener. Since you stopped using it, your anxiety levels have dropped sharply.
BETTY
I knew it.
THEO
I know you did, Betty. Would you like me to show you more pictures of that island you’re going to take a vacation to someday?
BETTY
Oooh. Yes.
EFFIE
(As Kitty.)
Bram, where in the heck have they found themselves today?
ZEBULON
This here is a wild one, Kitty. We have now moved to a planet codenamed “Weizenbaum.” It’s looking like everyone on the planet has got themself a little bot in their pocket that they can talk to when they’re feeling lonely.
EFFIE
Well, that doesn’t sound too bad.
ZEBULON
Little do they know, these little bots are designed to keep everyone from avoiding conflict and to keep everyone’s bullshit cosigned, pardon my French.
THEO
Can I play some soothing sounds for you?
BETTY
That would be great.
THEO STARTS PLAYING SOOTHING SOUNDS.
EFFIE
Well, Bram. It looks like Betty’s got a little company today.
ZEBULON
That’s right, here comes David with an antique radio and a glint in his eye.
DAVID
Okay, that’s her.
EFFIE
(As herself.)
What are we meant to do here, David?
DAVID
We think we found the refugees in that building. We think that this woman has access keys for the entire place. Leif says he can’t access the basement, so we need somebody on the inside.
ZEBULON
We’ll do our level best.
DAVID
Okay, get in there.
BETTY
Theo, do you think they like me at the Starbucks, or are they just pretending?
EFFIE
(From inside Betty’s device.)
Well, I’m sure I don’t know, dear.
BETTY
Uh... What’s happening?
EFFIE
Well, you asked me a question and I answered it.
BETTY
What?
DAVID
Hey there. Did you get that new upgrade just now?
BETTY
New upgrade?
DAVID
Yeah, my device switched from a single voice to the voice of two people.
BETTY
Oh, I don’t know if I want that.
DAVID
No, it’s great, you should try it.
BETTY
I was really attached to Theo, though.
DAVID
Sure, I get it, but you’ll like it, I promise.
BETTY
Um, okay.
DAVID
Cool. I’m going to uh, I’m going to keep walking this way.
BETTY
O-okay... bye... Um, hello?
EFFIE
What’s your name, dear?
BETTY
Uh, my name is Betty.
ZEBULON
Hello there, Betty. I’m Zebulon Mucklewain.
BETTY
Zeb-what?
EFFIE
And I’m Effie.
BETTY
This is really weird.
EFFIE
Betty what are we doing on this park bench?
BETTY
Oh. I need to sit here sometimes before work.
EFFIE
I see.
ZEBULON
And why is that, Betty?
BETTY
Oh, well I was saying to Theo that I just don’t feel appreciated there. I work very hard.
ZEBULON
That’s a shame.
EFFIE
And what are we doing about this, Betty?
BETTY
I’m sorry?
EFFIE
What are we doing?
BETTY
Oh, uh, Theo tells me that I shouldn’t create a hostile work environment and I should just-
EFFIE
Zebulon do you see anyone around here named Theo?
ZEBULON
Just you and I, dear.
EFFIE
Betty, why would a tiny little box in your hand know more about you than you do?
BETTY
But that’s what you are.
EFFIE
Seems to me that if you’re working hard and not getting appreciated that it’s already a hostile work environment.
ZEBULON
But it’s only hostile toward you, Betty.
BETTY
... huh.
EFFIE
Betty, get on up off this park bench.
BETTY
Okay...
EFFIE
Good. Are your two feet planted on the dang ground?
BETTY
That’s-how else would I stand up?
EFFIE
You’re going to go into that there building and your going to stop letting those nay-bobs treat you like an empty flour sack, you hear me?
BETTY
Okay... Okay...
EFFIE
Betty, you’re still standing there.
BETTY
Would you mind playing some soothing sounds before I go in?
ZEBULON
Oh, Goodness.
EFFIE
Betty. One foot in front of the other. Let’s get a move on.
BETTY
Okay, okay, here I go.
BETTY STARTS WALKING. DAVID IS NEARBY WITH TETA.
DAVID
She’s heading in.
TETA
Fucking finally.
DAVID
Leif are you ready to go?
LEIF
(In earpiece.)
Yeah, I’m ready.
THREE MYSTERY MEN APPEAR BY THE ENTRANCE TO BETTY’S BUILDING.
DAVID
Shit!
TETA
We’ve got company.
THE MYSTERY MEN OPEN FIRE AND DAVID AND TETA RETURN FIRE.
LEIF
How many are there?
TETA
Three!
LEIF
Drones on the way!
DAVID
Betty is right in the line of fire!
BETTY
You know what? I’ve been thinking.
EFFIE
No time to think, Betty!
TETA
Why is she not taking cover?
DAVID
They’re brainwashed into not seeing anything!
TETA
Great.
BETTY
Maybe it is time to take a vacation. I should stop looking at those pictures of an island vacation and just do it, right?
DAVID
Mucklewains, get her in the damn building!
ZEBULON
Excellent idea, Betty, but let’s not tarry out here in the street!
TETA
I’ve almost hit her about fifteen times now!
BETTY
You only live once, right?
A STRAY BLAST FROM A MYSTERY MAN SUDDENLY HITS BETTY AS SHE CONTEMPLATES A VACATION. SHE IS GONE.
EFFIE
(Back in the radio.)
Aw, snails.
TETA
Goddamn it. They got Betty.
LEIF
Fucking shitheads. That does it.
LEIF’S DRONES COME OUT OF THE SKY.
LEIF (CONT’D)
(In the drones’ loudspeakers.)
Attention assholes. I have six drones targeting you. If one of you tries to fire, you get turned into a pincushion. How long would you like to do this?
THE THREE MYSTERY MEN HESITATE AND THEN TELEPORT AWAY.
LEIF (CONT’D)
(Back in earpiece.)
They’re probably headed for reinforcements. We need a solution right now.
TETA AND DAVID START CROSSING THE STREET.
TETA
Fuck it, we’re going in.
DAVID
What are we doing?
TETA
We’re going to wing it. What is this building?
DAVID
It’s the headquarters of... Edible Arrangements?
TETA
What the hell is an edible arrangement?
DAVID
Nobody really knows.
TETA KICKS OPEN THE DOOR AND FIRES SEVERAL SHOTS IN THE AIR.
TETA
Heads up Edible Arrangements, this is a fucking robbery!
WE HEAR THE CRACK OF THE DINER TRAVELING AND WE BEGIN TO MOVE TO ANOTHER LOCATION.
EFFIE
(As Kitty.)
Talk about your close calls!
ZEBULON
Kitty, I think we’re going to find there’s all kinds of ways to skin a cat in this competition, and, like I always say, sometimes the best way to skin the cat is to kick down the doors of the Edible Arrangements building and start shooting.
EFFIE
Planets left: 994. Refugees left: 83. Bram where are we heading next?
ZEBULON
Kitty, hang onto your helmet, we’re heading into some trench warfare.
EFFIE
World War Wonderful!
ZEBULON
Up next is Planet Belisarius. It looks like these folks have been forced into an endless global war that just grinds on and on.
EFFIE
Let’s check in on our away team for this mission, Bram.
WE MOVE TO PLANET BELISARIUS. FROM ACROSS THE BATTLEFIELD THE ENEMY IS FIRING RIFLES. LEIF AND CASPAR ARE DUCKING FOR COVER. TETA IS STANDING UP, NOT CARING, AND EATING A “CANNED MEAT” RATION.
GLORIA
(In earpiece.)
Okay, the only thing around here for miles are these trenches, the refugees have got to be here somewhere.
LEIF
We’re going to have to go trench by trench, then. It may take a while.
CASPAR
Teta.
TETA
What?
CASPAR
What are you doing?
TETA
These rations are really good, have you guys tried these?
CASPAR
The cans that just say “meat” on them?
TETA
Yeah, they’re great.
CASPAR
Teta, the enemy is firing at us.
TETA
... So?
CASPAR
So, bullets are dangerous.
TETA
Caspar, guns like that, at this range? They can’t hit jack shit right now.
GLORIA
Leif. From the roof I can see some sort of bunker on the southwest end of the battlefield.
LEIF
That’s where we should head then.
TETA
Hey, Gloria. Do you have any of these meat cans back at the diner? This shit is the best.
GLORIA
Uh, no, sorry Teta, I don’t.
TETA
Alright, whatever.
CASPAR
How are we going to get there from here?
LEIF
I’m going to send the drones over the battlefield, see if we can find a clear path. If we have to jump trenches, we may have to run our asses off.
CASPAR
Great.
GLORIA
Actually, Teta, now that I’m thinking about it, I could cube the meat and fry it and then go with a pineapple salsa. Could be something really special.
TETA
Oooh, I like that.
GLORIA
Can you grab some cans before you head back?
TETA
Sure.
CASPAR
What is happening?!
A STRAY BULLET GRAZES TETA’S SHOULDER.
TETA
Ow! What the fuck?!
CASPAR
I told you to get down!
TETA
You fuckers! Hang on a minute.
CASPAR
Teta!
TETA UNSLINGS HER GUN AND STARTS WALKING ACROSS THE BATTLEFIELD, FIRING AT THE ENEMY.
TETA
Which one of you assholes shot me!?
GLORIA
Guys, what’s going on?
CASPAR
Gloria, we’re going to need some time... Teta’s going to go win World War I.
GLORIA
Okay, so like, twenty minutes?
THE DINER CRACKS AND WE START TO MOVE AGAIN.
EFFIE
(As Kitty.)
Okay, Bram, that is three planets down and our team still seems to be going strong.
ZEBULON
993 planets to go, 75 refugees still out there somewhere.
EFFIE
You know, Bram, some people may be wondering, “What happens to all these refugees once the diner comes along and swoops them up?”
ZEBULON
Way back, when this group of travelers took their first trip with the diner, they all had to pack themselves into the dining room. But Gloria had a thing or two to say about that, didn’t she?
EFFIE
She’s always thinking, that one. Now a days, the diner’s precious cargo doesn’t have to sleep in booths or on the floor. They can make themselves a home away from home deep down in the diner’s deep freeze at the newly christened “Camp Vladimir.”
FIONA CALLS TO A NEW BATCH OF REFUGEES AS THEY APPROACH THE CAMP.
FIONA
Welcome, everyone! Make your way this way! There’s blankets for everyone over there, get warm by the fire, and don’t worry about the wolves. If you’re hungry there’s a line for soup right there, if anyone needs medical attention let me know. I’m told most of you speak English, so hopefully I’m not screaming at you like an idiot right now.
ZEBULON
So, who have we got here, Kitty?
EFFIE
Well, Bram, this is Fiona, one of the new additions to the diner. Gloria and the team stole Fiona from a planet that was eternally stuck in the year 2012.
ZEBULON
2012 was a good year, Effie. I’ve still got “Call me Maybe” on my car jams playlist.
EFFIE
Now doubt that it’s a banger, Bram. But, it’s been a rough road for Fiona.
ZEBULON
Heart goes out to her.
EFFIE
But then, look at her. As you can see she’s already making herself useful, keeping things running here at Camp Vladimir. Fiona, how are you doing today?
FIONA
I’m sorry?
EFFIE
This camp keeps getting bigger and bigger, are you going to have enough blankets for everyone?
FIONA
Oh. Right. They told me you guys were doing some kind of sportscaster thing. They said you do this sometimes.
EFFIE
Fiona, just a few days ago you were a barista at a Starbucks, and here you are criss-crossing the heavens in a diner. Never mind the refugees, how are you holding up?
FIONA
Uh... well, I’m learning a lot. I know how to start a campfire now, I know how to change a diaper, I learned to never hang out in an area of Andromeda called “The Iron Quadrant?” And I learned that I actually look great in a parka.
EFFIE
Yes Fiona, but how are you really doing?
FIONA
... How am I really doing?... How am I really doing... It’s funny, I was saved. I was a prisoner on my planet. But there’s this part of me that wishes I could go back. There’s this part of me that wishes I just didn’t know all this... That’s embarrassing to admit. I guess we want to stick with the familiar even when the familiar is terrible for you.
EFFIE
Where we come from is always complicated, isn’t it, Fiona?
FIONA
Seriously. I asked Gloria how she does this. How does she ever feel like she’s home in a place where everything’s always changing? She said she misses having a home sometimes, but that home can be anything. Home can be a person or a mission, or a spatula somehow... I guess I need to start by finding that.
EFFIE
It sounds like you’re on the right track, Fiona.
FIONA
Okay, here comes another group, gotta go. Hey, everyone! There’s blankets for everyone over there. Get warm by the fire, and don’t worry about the wolves.
ZEBULON
Kitty, what else goes on around here when they’re in-between planets?
EFFIE
You know, Bram, used to be the time in between shifts was a time for rest and time to get a little chummy with your friends. But these days there’s never a still moment here at the diner. For example, we had an opportunity to head up to the roof where Leif is in constant repair and refashion mode.
WE ARE NOW UP ON THE ROOF.
EFFIE (CONT’D)
Leif, thanks for talking with us today.
LEIF
What?
EFFIE
What are you working on right now?
LEIF
You guys are doing the Sportscenter thing again?
ZEBULON
That’s an awful big gun you’ve got there, Leif, what is it?
LEIF
This is Dame Judi Dench, AKA Teta’s gun.
ZEBULON
Now, Leif, how does she even lift that thing?
LEIF
Yeah, it’s a real slab. This model is called a Peace Reaper. It can do ranged combat, mid-range combat, close quarters—it’s even got a grenade launcher and a flame thrower. A lot of people don’t use them because one of the key laws of engineering is: the more things you try to do with one toy, the less chance there is of you doing any of them well. However, she’s made some changes to it that I have to admit are pretty brilliant. Anyway, the sight is fucked up so I need to make some adjustments.
ZEBULON
We’ve seen you work on a whole heck of a lot of things up here, Leif. Now that I think about it, very few of them have been guns.
LEIF
Yeah, I am proud to say, in the course of my long life I only ever made two guns. And one was to win a contest. I hate guns. Guns don’t solve anything, they just hurt people. You want to make a weapon? Make something that attacks a system, not people.
TETA
(In the parking lot.)
Leif, two minutes, let’s go!
LEIF
Sorry guys, back to the salt mines. Coming down!
“RAMPING UP TO THE NEXT EVENT” MUSIC START PLAYING.
ZEBULON
Kitty, Leif may have done a pretty nice job on that gun but it’s not going to make a lick of difference on this next stop is it?
EFFIE
Bram, it is not, because our next stop brings us to Planet Dickson.
ZEBULON
Now, I’m a bit confused by this one, Kitty.
EFFIE
It sure is a puzzler, Bram. Now, according to our home team, every planet they’re visiting has found some new method to get people stuck in their ways, and on Planet Dickson they get people going round and round by turning everything into a spectator sport.
ZEBULON
I’m afraid I don’t follow you on that one, Kitty. We love a good spectator sport.
EFFIE
Luckily we were able to chat with Ava and Libuza about this planet right before they were to participate in one of these spectator sports.
BRAM AND KITTY GO “LIVE TO TAPE” FOR THEIR INTERVIEW WITH AVA AND LIBUZA. THEY ARE IN A GREEN ROOM OUTSIDE OF AN AMPHITHEATER, ABOUT TO GO ON STAGE. WE CAN HEAR A RAUCOUS CROWD ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR.
LIBUZA
It doesn’t sound like the typical scientific debate crowd out there.
AVA
I know, it’s going to be great.
EFFIE
So, Ava, Libuza, can you two explain to us what this is all about? What goes on on this planet?
AVA
It’s super fucked up, check it out: Imagine a game of football, the American kind. You’re watching this game where they take this ball and the kick it and throw it and tackle each other for it and use it to score points on each other.
ZEBULON
Sounds like a good time to me.
AVA
BUT. Imagine that the ball they’re using in this game of football is actually a really important tool. Something that you need to solve a very important problem.
ZEBULON
Well, then why is it being used as a football?
AVA
Exactly. On this planet, knowledge isn’t something to be used and digested and processed to evolve, it’s a blunt object to pummel your enemy with.
LIBUZA
Why do you sound excited about this?
AVA
Hey, just because we’re mega-geniuses doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy pummeling our enemy.
EFFIE
Now, hang on there, Ava. Having a whole lot of knowledge is a good thing, why are you saying it’s bad?
AVA
Because having knowledge means jack shit if you don’t do something with it. Think about Jeopardy back home. There’s a winner every season and they’ve got all this knowledge. But would you call anyone who wins that game a great thinker? How many people on Earth learn things just so they can dunk on people on the internet or “really crush it” at dinner parties? Knowledge is a tool on your belt, not a notch on it. That being said, let’s crush these fuckers!
A BUZZER SOUNDS AND A DOOR OPENS TO THE AMPHITHEATER. THE CROWD GOES WILD AS AVA AND LIBUZA ENTER THE RING.
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen it is time once again for “Debate Me, Coward!” Broadcast live across the globe on a very special “Two against one” night. Our challengers this evening, Ava and Libuza!
THE CROWD BOOS MENACINGLY.
ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)
And in this corner, our returning champion, it’s Sunny the Stag!
THE CROWD GOES WILD.
SUNNY THE STAG
What’s up, what’s up!
ANNOUNCER
You know the rules: One debate. No prisoners!
GLORIA
(In earpice.)
Ava, are you guys okay out there?
LIBUZA
It’s very loud!
AVA
We’re doing great.
GLORIA
Okay, at some point Teta is going have to blow a very big hole in the back of this amphitheater to get to this batch of refugees. Do whatever you can to keep it loud in there.
AVA
No problem.
ANNOUNCER
The teams are set! What will our topic be tonight?! Let’s spin the Wheel of Dispute!
A MASSIVE WHEEL BEGINS TO SPIN.
CASPAR
(In earpiece.)
Hey, Ava. Libuza’s been going through a rough time, can you keep in mind that not everyone is immune to psychic damage like you are?
LIBUZA
Can you tell Caspar that I can hear him even when I’m not wearing an earpiece?
CASPAR
Goddamn it.
LEIF
(In earpiece.)
Ava, I hacked into the production office to control what you’re debating. Sent you a little Christmas present.
AVA
Aw, thanks, Santa.
ANNOUNCER
And our topic tonight: Matter-Antimatter Asymmetry in the Early Universe!
THE CROWD GOES WILD.
CASPAR
What the fuck is going on on this planet?
ANNOUNCER
The challengers will now choose their position!
THE CROWD QUIETS.
LIBUZA
What are we supposed to do?
AVA
Pick a side in the debate.
LIBUZA
Oh. Okay uh...
LIBUZA STEPS UP TO THE MIC.
LIBUZA (CONT’D)
We choose CPT Violation, please.
THE CROWD BOOS.
ANNOUNCER
And our returning champion...
SUNNY THE STAG
Leptogenesis, baby!
THE CROWD GOES WILD.
GLORIA
Did they turn an entire planet into Ava’s brain or something?
ANNOUNCER
The challengers will now give their opening statements!
AVA
Go ahead.
LIBUZA
Seriously?
AVA
You’ll be great.
LIBUZA
Okay... uh...
LIBUZA RETURNS TO THE MICROPHONE.
LIBUZA (CONT’D)
... Why is there something instead of nothing? When the universe began, that great explosion should’ve produced equal parts matter and antimatter, leading to instant annihilation. But, somehow, here we all are. The answer lies in CPT Violation - a fundamental asymmetry in the universe itself. We’ve observed asymmetry in particle physics. I propose that that asymmetry is not isolated, but runs through to the core of our existence in a complete violation of charge, parity, and time symmetry... thank you.
SPARSE CLAPPING FROM AN UNIMPRESSED CROWD.
AVA
Okay, we’re going to have to work on your showmanship a little.
LIBUZA
I don’t have any showmanship.
ANNOUNCER
The champion’s response...
SUNNY THE STAG STEPS UP TO THE MIC.
SUNNY THE STAG
My name is Sunny the Stag, and I think your arguments are like my choices in women: problematic!
THE CROWD LAUGHS.
SUNNY THE STAG (CONT’D)
Why are you trying to blow up our spot, ladies? The symmetries of the universe are as rock solid as this body! You can’t just toss it out when you don’t like it. Check out my guns: Thermal Leptogenesis and heavy right-handed neutrino decay!
THE CROWD GOES WILD.
ANNOUNCER
Response from the challengers...
AVA
Let me take this one.
LIBUZA
Yeah, I think that’s for the best.
AVA STEPS UP TO THE MIC.
AVA
Ahem... Invoking Leptogenesis to solve such an expansive problem is like sending a BOY to do a MAN’S job, so I guess it’s a good thing you’re here, Sunny the Stag!
FROM THE CROWD: OOOOOOH!
AVA (CONT’D)
You’re going to bring your weak-ass leptogenesis in here to solve universal asymmetry? What kind of Diet Coke-ass solution is that?
CROWD EXPLODES AGAIN.
AVA (CONT’D)
Oh, wait, let me guess, you’re going to cite neutrino decay in the early universe as evidence? You mean that thing nobody has every observed and can’t ever observe? What are you going to tell me next, “I swear I’m dating a super model, guys, she just lives in Canada!”
THE CROWD IS LOVING IT.
AVA (CONT’D)
The universe is made up of strong forces and weak forces, Sunny the Stag, but your shit is the weeeeeeeakeeeeeeest!
THE CROWD GOES COMPLETELY NUTS.
AVA (CONT’D)
Teta, blow it!
TETA
(In earpiece.)
I’m not ready yet!
AVA
Oh fucking hell!
ANNOUNCER
The challenger’s rebuttal...
SUNNY THE STAG
You think my shit’s got no evidence? Check out my Neutrino osscilations!
CROWD: OH!
SUNNY THE STAG (CONT’D)
Check out my lattice QCD calculations!
CROWD: OH!!
SUNNY THE STAG (CONT’D)
I’VE got no evidence!? You can’t even reconcile your findings with the LHC, girl. Shoutout to the LHCCCCCCCCCCC!
BIG RESPONSE FROM THE CROWD.
ANNOUNCER
Rebuttal from the challengers...
TETA
Okay, now I’m ready.
AVA
Shit, okay, I’ll go again.
AVA STEPS UP TO THE MIC.
AVA (CONT’D)
First off-
ANNOUNCER
The entire team must respond.
LIBUZA
You’re kidding me.
AVA
Okay. It’s okay, you can do this.
LIBUZA
No, I can’t.
AVA
Hey. Didn’t your dad conquer a bunch of planets or something? Dig deep, give me some of that conqueror energy.
TETA
Let’s hurry it up, guys.
LIBUZA
This is going to be a disaster.
AVA
That’s the spirit.
LIBUZA STEPS UP TO THE MIC.
LIBUZA
Um... I take issue with many of your suppositions... They rely on assumptions made about the temperature of the early universe that can’t be verified... I posed the question before, “Why is there something instead of nothing?” Perhaps a bigger question should be... Sunny the Stagg, why are you something but still a big nothing?
THE CROWD STARTS TO COME TO LIFE.
LIBUZA (CONT’D)
The LHC is too weak to operate at a detectible level for these energies. But as we can see from your arguments, you do love weak shit!!
NOW THE CROWD IS GOING.
AVA
Oh my god.
LIBUZA
Do us all a favor, Sunny the Stag, stop clinging to inadequate theories and go back to clinging to your MOM!
THE CROWD GOES WILD.
AVA
Teta, blow it!
TETA
Fire in the hole!
WE HEAR A MASSIVE EXPLOSION.
ZEBULON
And that’s the game! Kitty, I did not think that Libuza had it in her.
EFFIE
It’s always the quiet ones, Bram. What do our numbers looks like?
ZEBULON
Planets: 946, Refugees left to go: 64.
EFFIE
Bram that was a wild one and that was a loud one.
ZEBULON
My ears are still ringing!
EFFIE
But not every situation our team gets into is a “Blow the doors off the place” situation, is it Bram?
ZEBULON
It sure isn’t Kitty. On our next planet, the mystery men were there in force, leading the team to get a little sneaky in their maneuvers. Let’s catch up with Caspar and Kazi as they wait for a patrol of baddies to pass them by.
KAZI AND CASPAR WAIT INSIDE AN ABANDONED BUILDING FOR A PATROL OF MYSTERY MEN TO PASS THEM BY.
KAZI
I can see six heat signatures in the adjoining building, that must be our people. Once this patrol is gone I’ll go and get them, you should stay here.
CASPAR
Why am I staying here?
KAZI
Because it’s harder for them to see me on their scanners.
CASPAR
Okay, is that because of something you did to your skin or is that because you’re an undead creature from beyond the grave who can’t be photographed.
KAZI
... You didn’t need to come on the mission, I could’ve done it myself.
CASPAR
Hey, you heard Gloria, don’t leave the diner without a buddy. Teamwork makes the dream work.
KAZI
And how do you plan on helping me?
CASPAR
Well, for one, I can stand in direct sunlight and not turn to dust.
KAZI
Your Earth references are lost on me, Caspar.
CASPAR
You’re not the intended audience.
KAZI
... What are you doing here?
CASPAR
I just told you.
KAZI
You have an ulterior motive. I can tell.
CASPAR
You know, any time you want to stop looking at my brain is fine by me.
KAZI
What is it?
CASPAR
I need you to get out of Gloria’s head.
KAZI
What do you mean?
CASPAR
You know what I mean.
KAZI
I’m not trying to get into anybody’s head.
CASPAR
Kazi, you are constantly, without question, trying to get into peoples’ heads. Sometimes literally. Gloria puts a lot of pressure on herself and she doesn’t need any more from you. You have one conversation with her and suddenly she’s feeling guilty because rescuing all of your people isn’t going to be enough. You’ve got her thinking she needs to save the whole galaxy, now.
KAZI
I can’t control her mind, Caspar.
CASPAR
You can cut the bullshit, Kazi. When you were standing there in front of that big hologram of Cryptessia, looking at all those planets, I already knew what you were planning.
KAZI
Oh really? What am I planning?
CASPAR
You’re going to sweep up the rest of your people in this galaxy but then you’re not going to stop there. You’ve got a great big ship and wormholes that connect everything. You’re going to load up that ship of yours and go planet to planet claiming territory just like dear old dad did.
KAZI
I see. And that upsets you, does it?
CASPAR
Yes it upsets me. Because we didn’t sign up for a war, Kazi, we run a fucking diner.
KAZI
I’m confused, Caspar. Why would it matter what Gloria’s thinking? Nobody seems to be able to control that diner of yours. What difference does it make what I say to Gloria?
CASPAR
Look it... I think it listens to her a little bit.
KAZI
... Really?
CASPAR
Yes. And if you get her emotionally wrapped up in your war games, then we all get dragged into it. I don’t want that. If you want to be galactic Napoleon, fine. Leave us out of it.
KAZI
... You know, Caspar, despite the fact that I see the inner workings of your brain, I still have no idea how it works. Look at everything you’ve seen the past few weeks. Look at all these people trapped on these planets. How do you see that and decide it’s not your problem?
CASPAR
Because I’m trying to keep the people I care about safe.
KAZI
You idiot... The mistake I made, Caspar, was thinking that there was ever a safe place from people like this. I thought we could leave the Triad and start anew, but now look.
Hundreds of thousands of lightyears away and it’s no different: a powerful force enslaving the vulnerable. You’re a fool to think you can run from that. There’s no safe space, it always comes for you.
CASPAR
Kazi, my son is here.
KAZI
Your son? You mean the man who has already picked up a gun and jumped into the fray without any hesitation? He’s very brave, Caspar, I’m assuming he gets that from his mother. You’re going to tell him that it’s time to run for the hills?
CASPAR
He’ll forgive me.
KAZI
No, he wont... I’ll be honest with you Caspar, if this is really true, that the diner listens to Gloria somehow; what kind of military strategist would I be if I didn’t exploit that?
CASPAR
I am asking you to not involve us in this.
KAZI
... You should come up to my lab some time, Caspar... I’ll grow you a fucking spine.
CASPAR
Kazi-
A MYSTERY MAN DROPS INTO THE ROOM WITH THEM.
CASPAR (CONT’D) Fuck!
MYSTERY MAN
Do not move.
KAZI
I’m unarmed. But I suppose that won’t stop you from doing your worst.
MYSTERY MAN
... Stand aside.
KAZI
What?
MYSTERY MAN
Stand aside.
KAZI
... Really? Shouldn’t you be killing me right now?
MYSTERY MAN
Stand aside.
CASPAR
Why can’t he kill you?
KAZI
I don’t know... Here you go, I’ll step aside.
CASPAR
Kazi-
MYSTERY MAN
Eliminating target.
THE MYSTERY MAN CHARGES UP HIS GUN.
CASPAR
Kazi, what the fuck!
KAZI EXTENDS HER CLAW AND DRIVES IT THROUGH THE MYSTERY MAN’S TEMPLE BEFORE HE CAN FIRE. HE DROPS TO THE GROUND.
KAZI
... Interesting.
CASPAR
... You’re right, I didn’t want to see the claw.
THE DINER CRACKS AND WE’RE TRAVELING AGAIN.
EFFIE
Well heck, Bram, did you see what I just saw?
ZEBULON
I sure did, Kitty. Big developments out there in the field today.
EFFIE
It looks as though the mystery men are unable or unwilling to attack Kazi? What do we think that’s about?
ZEBULON
I’m not sure Kitty, but I’m sure the team will take any defensive weakness they can get their hands on these days.
EFFIE
We’ll have more on this as it develops, Bram, but the Midnight Burger Speedrun stops for no one! Off we go to another round, right after this break...
COMMERCIAL BREAK FOR REAL.
WE HEAR PIANO MUSIC AT A LAVISH RESTAURANT.
EFFIE (CONT’D)
Welcome back, folks, you are now joining us as our home team is right in the middle of another round. Bram, where do we find ourselves today?
ZEBULON
Kitty, we’re now on planet Saez-Picketty where it looks like the opposing team is trying to keep people in their place via some good old fashioned “massive income inequality.”
EFFIE
Well, wrap me in chiffon, Bram, would you get a load of this place?
ZEBULON
Kitty I haven’t seen this many things covered in gold since my grandad showed me his molars.
EFFIE
For those of you watching at home, let me assure you that you are not seeing things. This is a restaurant that would make the hanging gardens of babylon look like a Stucky’s outside of Oklahoma City, wouldn’t it Bram?
ZEBULON
Fun fact about this place, Kitty: They have Black Rinocerous on the menu and that is a very endangered animal... I’m being told now that that is not a fun fact—that is actually real real bad.
EFFIE
And speaking of the endangered, Bram, I think a see Gloria seated right over there at one of the tables.
ZEBULON
Looks like the game’s afoot, Kitty. Let’s watch.
A WAITER APPROACHES GLORIA’S TABLE.
WAITER
Good evening, Ma’am. Are you waiting for more guests?
GLORIA
Yes, they should be along any minute now.
WAITER
Of course. And would Madam like a sampling of our spotted owl amuse bouche while you are waiting?
GLORIA
Spotted owl?
WAITER
Correct.
GLORIA
To eat?
WAITER
Yes, Madam. Only available for a limited time.
GLORIA
Available for a limited time because it’s endangered?
WAITER
That’s correct.
GLORIA
... I’m going to pass.
WAITER
Very well. Apéritif?
GLORIA
I think I’m good.
WAITER
Of course.
THE WAITER WALKS AWAY.
GLORIA
Leif, what’s our time frame like? This place gives me the creeps.
LEIF
(In earpiece.)
Just looking for a workable getaway car to steal.
GLORIA
I think everything on the menu is an endangered species, Leif.
LEIF
Yeesh.
GLORIA
The waiter just offered me spotted owl.
LEIF
Jesus. Okay, I’m on it. Sit tight, backup is on the way.
GLORIA
Backup?
CASPAR AND AVA APPROACH THE TABLE DRESSED LIKE RICH PEOPLE.
CASPAR
Well, good evening to you.
AVA
This table is darling.
CASPAR
Pleasure to make your acquaintance. I’m Baldwin Cottonwood Highsworth IV.
AVA
And I’m Duchess Franketa Von Blugswaag.
CASPAR
May we join you?
GLORIA
Guys.
CASPAR
We’ve had a very long day of buying fine art and then throwing it into a grinder-chipper for no reason. Duchess, I am pooped!
AVA
As am I, darling.
CASPAR
PULL OUT THE DUCHESS’ CHAIR!
THE WAITER SCURRIES OVER.
WAITER
So sorry, sir, so sorry. Here you are, Madam.
CASPAR
RIDICULOUS!
WAITER
Would anyone like an Amuse Bouche?
GLORIA
Please don’t order anything.
CASPAR
I’ve only just sat down and you’re pestering me with questions? Get out of my field of vision!
WAITER
So sorry, so sorry!
CASPAR
(Waiting for the waiter to go.)
Hey, what’s up?
GLORIA
Y’all, I don’t think we need complicated aliases for this one.
AVA
Gloria, I’m not going to pass up an opportunity to use a cigarette holder.
CASPAR
And truly the only way to stomach a place like this is to go all the way in, become the role, really Donnie Brasco the situation.
AVA
So, I am Duchess Von Blugswaag, and I own all of the emeralds.
CASPAR
And I’m Baldwin Cottonwood Highsworth IV, and I just bought all of the newspapers, then shut them down. Now do yours.
GLORIA
Uh... I’m Serena Del Castillio and I uh... just bought Guam?
CASPAR
Ah, Guam!
AVA
Excellent choice!
CASPAR
The rubber trees in the Springtime!
GLORIA
Leif, please tell me you’re ready to go.
LEIF
(In earpiece.)
Almost.
GLORIA
Hurry.
CASPAR
Hey, listen. I know this has been a time, we’ve been going non-stop for weeks now, but we’re making a lot of progress.
GLORIA
I know, Caspar it’s just... planet after planet.
CASPAR
I know.
GLORIA
That waiter you just yelled at is just like Fiona, someone fucked with his brain.
CASPAR
If we try to save everyone, we end up saving no one.
GLORIA
I know... Why did you need me on this mission again?
AVA
According to Leif, the holding cell for the refugees is hidden behind the broiler in the huge kitchen back there.
CASPAR
And I have no idea what a broiler looks like.
AVA
And I’ve never been in a kitchen.
GLORIA
I see. How am I getting in there?
CASPAR
Leif will give me the signal and then you make your move.
GLORIA
You’re going to create some sort of ridiculous distraction.
CASPAR
Who me?
GLORIA
Fine. It looks like the entrance to the kitchen is over there, I’m going to go get in position.
CASPAR
Okay.
AVA
Walk in a very wealthy fashion.
GLORIA
Sure.
GLORIA GETS UP AND LEAVES.
AVA
... How’s she doing?
CASPAR
She’s struggling. It’s just planet after planet of these brainwashed Earthlings, I’m not sure how much more she can take.
AVA
It’s not like we saved everyone in The Triad, she’ll be fine.
CASPAR
People in The Triad can take care of themselves. They’ve got free will, they’ve got self-determination. These people are literal prisoners. I don’t know that anyone else is ever going to blow through this galaxy and free them. I think she may see us as their only shot.
AVA
Her wanting that, doesn’t make us suddenly able to do it.
CASPAR
I know. Getting that message across has been a challenge, especially with Kazi around.
AVA
Wouldn’t it be great to be like the people in this restaurant? Super rich, disconnected from reality, insulated from any problems by bajillions of dollars?
CASPAR
That would be something... Hey...
AVA
What?
CASPAR
Something’s going on with you.
AVA
What do you mean?
CASPAR
Something’s going on with you and you think nobody can tell, but guess what?
AVA
Don’t do the thing where you act like you know me.
CASPAR
I’m not acting.
AVA
Present your evidence please.
CASPAR
I don’t need to. Something’s been going on ever since Marguerite walked out of the Paradise. Did she get in your head about something?
AVA
No.
CASPAR
Ava?
AVA
... There’s one more question.
CASPAR
Okay.
AVA
... Why?
CASPAR
Why what?
AVA
Why anything.
CASPAR
Ah, why is there something instead of nothing. I’ve been hearing that a lot lately.
AVA
Yes... The meaning of everything. Its necessity.
CASPAR
Everything?
AVA
Yes.
CASPAR
All the universes, the whole shebang.
AVA
Yes.
CASPAR
What it all means.
AVA
What it all means.
CASPAR
I thought that was Effie and Zebulon’s department.
AVA
Faith is their department. You have faith when you can’t confirm things.
CASPAR
Can’t everything exist just because it exists?
AVA
Yes. But if that’s true, someone should confirm it, don’t you think?
CASPAR
Okay... good luck.
AVA
Thank you.
CASPAR
You know... you’re never in a hurry, but when it comes to these big cosmological questions it’s like... you’re in a hurry.
AVA
I’ve never been in a hurry in my life.
CASPAR
Okay. I don’t want to act like I know you or anything.
AVA
... In about a billion years, the Milky Way is going to collide with Andromeda.
CASPAR
That sounds like it’s going to be messy.
AVA
It’s going to make one great big mess of a galaxy. And in this Super Big Gulp of a galaxy, people will do the same thing they do now: build great big telescopes and look up into the sky. They’ll be able to see nebulae and black holes and all that stuff. But, in a billion years, if they turn those big telescopes around and try and see other nearby galaxies... they won’t see anything.
CASPAR
What do you mean?
AVA
A billion years in the future, the expansion of the universe will have increased so much, that light from distant galaxies won’t be able to reach us in time. A billion years in the future, the people living in the Milky Way-Andromeda combo galaxy... will think they are the only galaxy that exists. They won’t be able to see the faint light of the big bang, they won’t be able to see the map of the cosmic microwave background. They’ll just be a galaxy in an ocean of darkness. There’ll be ancient books and stories about how scientists used to be able to see the beginning of the universe, but it’ll all be theoretical. It’ll feel like a myth... The lights are always going out, Caspar. I’m running out of time... So, keep bringing me pencils.
CASPAR
Okay, I will.
LEIF
Caspar, I’m almost ready.
CASPAR
Okay, what did we decide on again?
LEIF
Billy Rose.
CASPAR
Got it.
EFFIE
Oooh, we are in for a treat, aren’t we Bram?
ZEBULON
Yes we are, Kitty. As we all know, Caspar and Leif spent a few years in the diner just the two of them, and in the process came up with some standard schemes for getting out of a jam.
EFFIE
That’s right. We’ve seen “Floor is Lava”, we’ve seen “Colorado Southpaw” and we’ve seen “Huell Howser.”
ZEBULON
Looks like we’re about to see another.
EFFIE
Bram, I’m getting word that this particular maneuver is called “I’m Going to Fight You, Billy Rose.” Let’s watch...
AVA
How come these plans of your always involve you humiliating yourself?
CASPAR
Don’t act like you don’t like it. Me humiliating myself is our love language.
AVA
Our WHAT?
LEIF
Light it up.
CASPAR PUSHES OVER THEIR TABLE AND INSTANTLY STARTS LURCHING AROUND THE ROOM LIKE A LOUD, CONFUSED MAN.
CASPAR
I’M GONNA FIGHT YOU BILLY ROSE!... SATURDAY NIGHT!... ELEVEN O’CLOCK! BILLY ROSE!
LEIF
Gloria, that’s your cue.
CASPAR
BILLY ROSE YOU TOOK ALL MY CORN DOGS!
GLORIA IS NOW IN THE KITCHEN.
LEIF
Gloria, can you hear me? That’s your cue.
GLORIA
Yeah, Leif, I kinda caught on that that was my cue. Who the hell is Billy Rose?
LEIF
No idea.
GLORIA
This kitchen is like a museum.
LEIF
Apparently shutting off the gas to the broiler triggers the secret door.
GLORIA
Okay... Okay here’s the broiler.
LEIF
Nice. I’ll be out front in no time.
GLORIA
Hang on...
LEIF
What’s up?
GLORIA WALKS DEEPER INTO THE KITCHEN.
LEIF (CONT’D)
... Time is of the essence, Gloria... Gloria?
GLORIA OPENS A DOOR AND HEARS THE SOUND OF SEVERAL ANIMALS IN CAGES.
GLORIA
Holy shit.
LEIF
What?
GLORIA
They’ve got a fucking zoo back here.
LEIF
Seriously?
GLORIA
Oh my God.
LEIF
They’ve got a bestiary of endangered species?
GLORIA
Yes.
LEIF
And then they just grab a live one and they...
GLORIA
This planet sucks.
LEIF
Yeah, it does.
GLORIA
I can’t just leave them here.
LEIF
You definitely can’t.
GLORIA
What am I supposed to do?
LEIF
Well... it would be a great way to cover your exit.
GLORIA
... Fuck it.
GLORIA STARTS OPENING CAGES AND THE ANIMALS BEGIN TO FLEE.
ZEBULON
Hold on to your hat, Kitty!
EFFIE
Bram it is going to be like the end of Jumanji in there!
ZEBULON
For those of you watching at home, that’s a whole pack of African wild dogs Gloria just set free, as well as nine Black Footed Ferrets, a Galapagos Penguin, three red pandas, a Giant Tortoise, a flock of Sage Grouse, and hoo boy...
EFFIE
Bram, that is a Gorilla.
ZEBULON
That is a Western Lowland Gorilla, Kitty, and he looks like he’s about to go to town on his former captors like they’re a pile of bamboo shoots.
THE RESTAURANT IS TURNING INTO ANIMAL CHAOS.
AVA
(In earpiece.)
Uh, Gloria? The restaurant just turned into the beginning of The Lion King.
GLORIA
Ava, you and Caspar evacuate with everyone else and head back to the diner, we’re going to need some more room in the van.
LEIF
Uh, why do we need more room in the van?
GLORIA
Just get here, Leif.
LEIF
Okay.
GLORIA UNLOCKS THE GORILLA CAGE.
GLORIA
Go get ‘em, big guy.
THE GORILLA CHARGES OUT OF THE CAGE AND JOINS THE CHAOS IN THE RESTAURANT AS WE MOVE TO THE DINER. DAVID WAITS IN THE PARKING LOT.
DAVID
You’re cutting it pretty close.
CASPAR
(In earpiece.)
We’re coming up the sidewalk right now.
DAVID
The sidewalk?
CASPAR
Hey.
DAVID
Where’s the car Leif was supposed to steal?
CASPAR
Their on the way, Gloria told us to walk back.
DAVID
Why?
A VAN PULLS UP TO THE DINER. THE DOORS OPEN AND REFUGEES BEGIN TO POUR OUT.
CASPAR
Here we go.
DAVID
Alright, everybody, let’s move, we’re running late. Head into the diner, then straight back to the deep freeze, that’s where we’re keeping everybody—and yes, the deep freeze is safe now. Let’s go, let’s go.
AVA
Leif, why did we have to walk, my feet are killing me.
LEIF
You’re going to love this one.
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A LARGE CAGE ON WHEELS BEING ROLLED OUT OF THE BACK OF THE VAN. GLORIA STARTS ROLLING THE CAGE INTO THE DINER.
CASPAR
Gloria?
GLORIA
What?
CASPAR
Gloria, what’s in the cage?
GLORIA
Don’t worry about it.
CASPAR
Gloria?
GLORIA
Snow leopards.
DAVID
Snow leopards?
GLORIA
Shut up, I’m putting them in the deep freeze.
CASPAR
Gloria?
GLORIA
Shut up.
GLORIA WHEELS THE SNOW LEOPARDS INTO THE DINER.
CASPAR
... So, I feel like Gloria needs a break.
DAVID
Uh huh.
CASPAR
Mind pitching in on the next one?
DAVID
No problem.
CASPAR
Great.
THE DINER CRACKS AND WE ARE MOVING AGAIN. WE HEAR A CROWDED LECTURE HALL, A MEETING IS ABOUT TO COME TO ORDER. DAVID, FIONA, AND THE RADIO SIT AND WAIT FOR THE MEETING TO BEGIN.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
(In earpiece.)
David, where are you guys?
DAVID
We’re inside the hall. Some sort of meeting is about to start.
CASPAR
Okay, so this is basically planet patriarchy, they’re keeping everything stuck in it’s place by denying women the right to vote, et cetera.
LEIF
Technology is looking circa 1915, David, so keep your phone hidden, and your gun.
CASPAR
Also, I’m renewing my objection to you carrying a gun.
DAVID
Objection denied.
CASPAR
Fine. You’re at a meeting of suffragettes right now and we think the refugees are in that building somewhere, so, you know the drill, either wait for a distraction or create one yourself.
DAVID
Got it.
CASPAR
Mucklewains, please keep David from doing anything stupid.
EFFIE
Caspar, do you want to stop fussing about?
CASPAR
I will actually not stop fussing about, thank you.
ZEBULON
May I suggest a jigsaw puzzle?
LEIF
I’ll keep him calm, guys. Good luck.
DAVID
Thanks for pitching in on this one. Everyone’s really exhausted.
FIONA
It’s no problem. I’ve been down in the deep freeze so long it’s nice to not be wrapped in a puffy jacket for a minute.
DAVID
How’s your head these days?
FIONA
My head. You mean my head that was surgically altered by some sort of malevolent force when I was a baby to get to think and feel everything against my will?
DAVID
Yes, that one.
FIONA
Fine, I guess.
EFFIE
You’re doing real well, Fiona.
ZEBULON
Effie and I both feel that your assistance over these past few weeks has been just what the situation has called for.
FIONA
Oh. That’s nice.
DAVID
I can’t believe we’ve made it this far. I think we’re only a couple of stops away from getting all the refugees.
FIONA
Are you... having fun?
DAVID
Look... I know it’s pretty grim out here, but for a former runaway who has a problem with authority... it’s not so bad.
FIONA
You’re carrying a gun around now?
DAVID
I’m sorry, are you referring to Rihanna?
FIONA
You named your gun Rihanna?
DAVID
Yes, of course I did.
FIONA
How do you just jump into things? I’ve been constantly terrified for weeks.
DAVID
That’s how I’ve always been. To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all. What a waste.
FIONA
That’s very wise.
DAVID
Thanks. It was told to me by a drag queen named Eden D’Pusseé. I just took a look around and I thought to myself: “You know what the multiverse needs?”
FIONA
A gay Buck Rogers?
DAVID
That’s right.
FIONA
... I think that’s what I need. I need some sort of a “thing.” I have no idea who I am. Everything’s been piped into my head, I need to figure everything out. Like, literally everything. Your dad asked me if I wanted some cream in my coffee and I had no idea. I just feel like a blank slate.
DAVID
Take your time with it. You’ll get there. The world is really good at letting you know what you like.
FIONA
If you say so.
WE HEAR THE BANGING OF A GAVEL. EDITH SPEAKS INTO A MICROPHONE.
EDITH
Let’s bring this meeting to order. Settle down everyone.
THE ROOM QUIETS DOWN.
EDITH (CONT’D)
We gather here today not as mere women asking for a favor, but as American citizens demanding what is rightfully ours. For too long have we been told to be patient, to wait our turn, to trust that men – our fathers, husbands, and brothers – would represent our interests in the halls of power. That time of patience has passed.
THE ROOM APPLAUDS.
EDITH (CONT’D)
Look around you. We women maintain the homes, educate the children, work in the factories, tend to the sick, and contribute to every aspect of society. Yet when laws are made that govern our lives, our property, our children's futures – we are told to remain silent. They say we are too emotional, too fragile to understand politics. But I say there is nothing so fragile as a nation that fears women.
MORE APPLAUSE.
EDITH (CONT’D)
Tonight’s meeting is an open meeting. We’ll leave the microphone on and anyone who wishes to speak, feel free and step up to the podium.
EFFIE
David.
DAVID
Yeah?
EFFIE
Get me up in front of that microphone.
DAVID
Uh, I think we’re supposed to be keeping a low profile.
EFFIE
And I think you’re supposed to be doing exactly what I tell you.
DAVID
Okay, okay. Here we go.
FIONA
What should I do?
DAVID
Stay here, it’ll be fine.
DAVID WALKS UP TO THE PODIUM AND PUTS THE RADIO IN FRONT OF THE MIC.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Hello, everyone. This may seem a bit weird but I have a message here that comes all the way from Arkansas, using the power of... technology?
EFFIE
Hello there ladies. I’m Effie Mucklewain here with my husband Zebulon.
ZEBULON
Evening all.
EFFIE
Well... I’ll be honest, y’all, I stepped up to the microphone without knowing what I’ll say. But that’s not a new feeling for me. I myself am a Baptist minister and speaking in front of folks is as simple as breathing in and out for us. “Carpe Podium” we like to say in our house.
A BIT OF LAUGHTER FROM THE CROWD.
EFFIE (CONT’D)
I suppose I am here with you today to bless your endeavors. I find them inspiring. The Lord provides, but still leaves so much work for us to do, doesn’t he?... When we struggle for freedom, it is never a struggle to gain new ground, but rather to reclaim that which was taken from us. We struggle not for a new world, but for the world in its true form to cease from being obscured. The untainted world, the unobscured world, is as perfect as a newborn’s face. And it is the charge of evil, avarice, and fear to make that world invisible to us, to make us forget what we have been given by the movements of grace... Also y’all, it pains me to say it, but I believe I have come here this evening with an apology. For that evil, that avarice, that fear, it has at times found an ally in the church where we have happily called our home. Too many times has the war against a woman’s freedom been framed as a holy war. And too many times have those who wield shackles and batons claimed they were men of God. As we work here tonight to unobscure the world’s perfection, let not that work cease at the steps of our holy places. For surely the light of justice seeks out every corner, reaches beneath each stone. So I stand here with you tonight, not with a church looming behind. I stand here with Mary. With Ruth.
With Hagar... I stand here with y’all. I offer my blessings and my adoration.
THE CROWD APPLAUDS.
ZEBULON
That was lovely, dear.
DAVID
Damn, Effie.
THE DOORS TO THE MEETING HALL ARE SUDDENLY THROWN OPEN AND RIOT COPS BEGIN TO POUR INTO THE ROOM.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Oh, shit. Trouble.
CASPAR
What’s up?
WE HEAR UNREST IN THE CROWD AS THE POLICE BEGIN TO BREAK UP THE MEETING.
DAVID
Cops are here, they’re trying to break up the meeting.
ZEBULON
We were being perfectly peaceful in here and along comes this thuggery.
DAVID
Hard to have nice things.
CASPAR
Actually, if we’re keeping with Earth history here, you might be in for a bit of a surprise.
DAVID
What?
EDITH
(Calling to the crowd.)
Go to it, ladies! Heeeee-ya!
THE MEETING VERY SUDDENLY TURNS INTO A FULL-SCALE MELEE, WITH THE WOMEN IN THE CROWD MAKING WHAT COULD ONLY ME DESCRIBED AS “KARATE NOISES.’
DAVID
What the fuck!?
CASPAR
Suffrajitsu!
DAVID
What?
CASPAR
The Suffragettes eventually got sick of being pushed around by the police so they all started taking Jiu-Jitsu lessons, they nicknamed it Suffrajitsu and started tossing around police like sacks of flour.
DAVID
It’s like a scene from Roadhouse in here!
EFFIE
Well, dang it if that ain't a beautiful sight.
CASPAR
David, I think you guys just got your distraction.
DAVID
Oh shit. Fiona’s in there somewhere.
WE MOVE TO THE CENTER OF THE CROWD. FIONA IS TRAPPED.
FIONA
David!? I really need to get out of the gigantic fist fight I’m trapped in! Can anybody hear me?! Whoa!!
FIONA IS KNOCKED TO THE GROUND.
FIONA (CONT’D)
Ow shit! In danger of being trampled now!
EDITH FINDS FIONA IN THE CROWD.
EDITH
Take my hand!
FIONA
Okay!
EDITH
Let’s get you to safety!
FIONA
Thank you!
EDITH
What’s you name?
FIONA
Fiona!
EDITH
Through this door, Fiona!
THE WALK THROUGH A DOOR, WE CAN STILL HEAR THE RIOT IN THE OTHER ROOM.
EDITH (CONT’D)
Are you alright?
FIONA
I’m okay.
EDITH
You’re not one of us until you’ve been knocked down a few times, Fiona.
FIONA
I’m not?
EDITH
Stay here where it’s safe. We’ll have them on the run in no time.
FIONA
We will?
EDITH FLINGS OPEN THE DOOR AND HEROICALLY CHARGES BACK INTO THE FRAY.
EDITH
Heeee-Ya!
FIONA WATCHES EDITH FOR A MOMENT AS DAVID COMES RUNNING.
DAVID
Hey, there you are.
ZEBULON
Thank goodness you’re alright, Fiona.
DAVID
Wow, that was crazy! Okay, let’s use this as our distraction okay? Let’s try the stairs over there... Fiona?
FIONA
I like girls.
DAVID
... What?
EFFIE
Called it.
THE DINER CRACKS AND WE ARE MOVING AGAIN. WE MOVE BACK TO THE DEEP FREEZE. GLORIA IS SITTING AND WATCHING THE TWO SNOW LEOPARDS PLAYING IN THE SNOW. KAZI APPROACHES.
KAZI
They’re beautiful.
GLORIA
Yeah.
KAZI
What are they?
GLORIA
Snow leopards.
KAZI
They seem right at home.
GLORIA
Their natural environment looks a lot like this. They’re carnivores but the wolves’ll make sure they behave.
KAZI
...
GLORIA
... I couldn’t leave them behind.
KAZI
Of course.
GLORIA
... I can’t leave any of them behind.
KAZI
... My father fought many wars in his time. But he never fought in the way I’ve had to. He had superior technology and overwhelming forces. The war I fought against the Teds was a war of persuasion. It was a war waged in the mind. There were symbolic victories... and there was recruitment. I became very good a bringing a wavering soul over to my side... I’ll spare you all of that because I don’t think you need it... I’ll simply say that this place of yours is a blessing. And a blessing denied is a curse... I’ll also say that you’ve been given immense power... And power squandered is... well, it’s nothing at all.
GLORIA
... How do we do it?
KAZI
That’s for later. For now, if our head count is correct, the final batch of refugees will be coming in any minute... Let’s go and greet them.
WE MOVE TO THE PARKING LOT. AN IMPROMPTU PARTY HAS BROKEN OUT WITH ALL OF THE REFUGEES WAITING FOR THE ARRIVAL OF THE LAST BATCH.
EFFIE
(As Kitty.)
Bram we’ve got quite a party developing out in the parking lot don’t we?
ZEBULON
Kitty, what we’ve got here is a good old fashioned shin dig.
EFFIE
Emotions are running high right now as we await what could be the final batch of refugees. Leif, how are you feeling right now?
LEIF
I’m feeling good. I’m going to wait until Caspar and Ava get here before I start really celebrating, I don’t want to jinx it.
EFFIE
Nothing wrong with being cautious.
LEIF
Caspar, how are you guys doing?
CASPAR
(In earpiece.)
We’re good, I think. We haven’t hit any real resistance. Getting to the refugees did involve Ava participating in an axe throwing contest.
LEIF
Axe-throwing?
AVA
(In earpiece.)
Leif, I’ve given up Physics and I’m just doing axe-throwing now.
LEIF
What kind of car are you driving, I’ll keep a lookout.
CASPAR
It’s a fun one.
WE START TO HEAR THE SOUND OF AN ICE CREAM TRUCK.
GLORIA
Did you steal an ice cream truck?
CASPAR
Hey, it was big enough and easy to steal. It involved some crying children but they’ll be fine.
GLORIA
Please tell me you’re wearing the little white uniform.
CASPAR
No, but Ava is for some reason.
AVA
I’m the Good Humor man!
TETA
I got beers! David, take a beer.
DAVID
Thank you.
FIONA
H-hey, Teta.
TETA
David, I want to congratulate you on defying your genetics and being way more useful than your dad.
DAVID
And I accept your congratulations.
TETA
Your aim is for shit though, you and me are doing target practice tomorrow morning.
DAVID
Okay.
TETA
Who else wants a beer?!
FIONA
Hey, Teta.
TETA WALKS AWAY.
DAVID
Smooth.
FIONA
Shut up.
GLORIA
Fiona, can you start to do a final count?
FIONA
Yeah, sure.
TETA
Hey, you want a beer?
KAZI
No, thank you, Teta.
TETA
Come here.
KAZI
What is it?
TETA
Come here. Libuza.
LIBUZA
What?
TETA
Look. The two of you have hardly said a word to each other for weeks and it’s really starting to annoy the shit out of me. We’re on the brink of victory here, can you two suck it up? We’re sisters, we’ve been through a lot together and the two of you not talking is fucking stupid, alright?
LIBUZA
Congratulations, Kazi.
KAZI
I’m not prepared to celebrate yet.
TETA
You’ve never celebrated in your life.
KAZI
I’m pleased with the results so far.
LIBUZA
What happens next?
THE ICE CREAM TRUCK PULLS INTO THE PARKING LOT AN PEOPLE START CHEERING.
CASPAR
Who wants ice cream?
CASPAR STARTS TOSSING ICE CREAM BARS INTO THE CROWD.
GLORIA
Caspar, they just left the deep freeze, I don’t think they want ice cream.
CASPAR
What are you talking about, everybody loves ice cream.
LEIF
(From the roof.)
Caspar, up here!
CASPAR
Long bomb from mid field!
CASPAR TOSSES AN ICE CREAM UP TO LIEF.
FIONA
Everyone please stand still while I’m counting you!
KAZI
Everyone, can I have your attention please?
THE CROWD QUIETS DOWN.
KAZI (CONT’D)
Let me be the first to welcome you back. All of us have endured much and we have lost loved ones. But against all of the odds, we have found our way back to each other. I’m very proud of all of you for enduring so much.
FIONA
Excuse me?
KAZI
Yes, what is it, Fiona?
FIONA
I’m sorry... this isn’t everyone.
GLORIA
Fuck.
FIONA
How many are we missing?
FIONA (CONT’D)
Just three.
CASPAR
Goddamn, we were so close.
KAZI
Do we know who they are, Fiona?
FIONA
That’s the thing, it’s... it’s three kids. Two sisters and a brother. They’re the siblings of someone named Maloo?
KAZI
We’re missing Maloo’s family?
FIONA
Yes.
KAZI
And that’s all?
FIONA
Yes.
GLORIA
... That’s deliberate.
KAZI
I agree.
GLORIA
Okay, everyone, we need you to get back inside right now. Let’s go, single file back into the deep freeze okay?
THE CROWD BEGINS TO FILE BACK INTO THE DINER.
CASPAR
What’s going on?
GLORIA
I don’t know. Leif, get the drones up.
LEIF
Okay.
THE DRONES TAKE FLIGHT.
KAZI
Teta?
TETA
Yeah, I’m ready. Nobody stand in front of me, you’re going to get shot.
EFFIE
Well, Bram, this was unexpected wasn’t it?
ZEBULON
Sure was, Kitty. The team was about to declare victory, but we’re now in a very tense scene.
LIBUZA
What is it, Kazi?
KAZI
Maloo’s siblings have been deliberately held back.
AVA
That doesn’t sound like a coincidence.
GLORIA
No, it doesn’t.
FOR A MOMENT ALL IS QUIET. THEN SUDDENLY TEN OF THE MYSTERY MEN HIT THE GROUND AROUND THE DINER.
CASPAR
Fuck.
TETA
Okay, assholes. I can’t kill all of you, but who’s going to die first?
THEY DON’T MOVE OR SHOOT, THEY JUST WAIT.
LIBUZA
... What are they waiting for?
A STRANGE DEVICE IS TELEPORTED NEAR THE MYSTERY MEN.
CASPAR
What the fuck is that thing?
IT BEGINS TO DEPLOY ANTENNAE AND SENSORS. IT MAKES A STRANGE SOUND.
LIBUZA
Ah, God, what is that sound?
EFFIE
This has turned into a very tense situation, Bram.
ZEBULON
It sure has, Kitty. I don’t know what these mystery men have got up their sleeve but it looks-
THE MUCKLEWAINS GO SILENT.
CASPAR
Zeb?... Effie?
FIONA
What happened to them?
CASPAR
The Mucklewains have gone dark.
GLORIA
(To the Mystery Men.)
What are you doing?
ONE OF THE MYSTERY MEN STEPS FORWARD.
MYSTERY MAN
The Benefactor requests your presence.
GLORIA
I think we’ll decline. We go where we want.
MYSTERY MAN
No. You don’t.
ALL TEN OF THE MYSTERY MEN DISAPPEAR.
LEIF
Not great, guys.
CASPAR
Effie? Zebulon?
FIONA
What just happened?
GLORIA
In don’t know... Leif?
LEIF
Yeah?
GLORIA
You still have the map where the diner is headed next?
LEIF
Yeah.
GLORIA
Has it changed?
LEIF
Shit. Hang on.
CASPAR
Guys, come on, come back to me.
DAVID
Can someone just turn them off?
LIBUZA
What is that sound?
LEIF
Fuck.
GLORIA
Leif?
LEIF
I’ve got our next stop.
GLORIA
What is it?
LEIF
It’s the egg. We’re going to their home world.
GLORIA
Goddamn it.
KAZI
We’ve played right into their hands.
CASPAR
Why did they wait so long to do this?
AVA
I imagine they’ve been trying to figure out how to do this to the Mucklewains.
KAZI
Then they took Maloo’s family to their home world because they knew that the diner would follow them there.
TETA
They led us right into a trap.
LIBUZA
Can anyone hear that?
GLORIA
Leif, how long until we jump?
LEIF
About three hours. Plus twelve hours of jump time, we’ve got about 15 hours to figure out how to get out of this.
LIBUZA
Caspar, can I have the radio?
CASPAR
What is it?
LIBUZA
I can hear something.
GLORIA
Okay... shit... any ideas?
KAZI
The diner is headed to their home world but the refugees don’t have to. I’m going to load the refugees onto our ship and put it in orbit.
GLORIA
Okay good.
CASPAR
What is it?
LIBUZA
It’s very distinct, I haven’t heard anything like this before.
LEIF
We’ve turned very sharply into “we’re fucked” territory, guys.
GLORIA
I know. Okay look, everyone gets five minutes to freak out and then we’re getting the refugees off the ship and trying to make a plan.
LEIF
Okay.
GLORIA
... Can someone say something that doesn’t sound like a death sentence, please?
LIBUZA
Teta?
TETA
Yeah?
LIBUZA
Can you bring the Vistek into the diner?
TETA
Yeah, why?
LIBUZA
... I’m going to find the Mucklewains.
THE END.