Chapter 41: The Malthusian Trap
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF THE WALK-IN. AFTER A MOMENT, THE DOOR OPENS.
GLORIA
Hey, Fiona.
FIONA
Get the fuck away from me!
GLORIA
Fiona... you’re threatening me with a big block of cheese, there.
FIONA
It’s the only thing in here that resembles a blunt object.
GLORIA
I would’ve gone for the sack of potatoes myself, but whatever you think.
FIONA
Who are you?! Why am I wearing this puffy jacket?!
GLORIA
You’re wearing the jacket because it’s cold in here, Fiona.
FIONA
Stop fucking around with me.
GLORIA
I’m speaking as plainly as I can.
FIONA
What am I doing here?... What are you going to do to me?
GLORIA
We’re not going to do anything to you.
FIONA
I’m guessing you didn’t kidnap me because you thought it would be fun.
GLORIA
In retrospect it was a little fun. We stole Mitt Romney’s campaign bus—that was something I did not know I had on my bucket list.
FIONA
Who is we?
GLORIA
Me and my staff.
FIONA
Staff?
GLORIA
Oh, you’re at a restaurant.
FIONA
Wh-... Why am I at a restaurant?
GLORIA
Because that’s where we work.
FIONA
Is this... are you going to eat me?
GLORIA
Fiona, what the fuck? No.
FIONA
I was knocked unconscious and thrown into a refrigerator with a bunch of food, what would you think?
GLORIA
I don’t know. Not that.
FIONA
Are... are you going to try and ransom me or something? I’m not the President’s daughter—both of my parents are public school teachers.
GLORIA
Oh, that’s nice, what do they teach?
FIONA
History and- Shut up! Tell me what I’m doing here!
GLORIA
We really didn’t have a choice, Fiona.
FIONA
So you can’t tell me, is that it? Keep the hostage in the dark while you enact some sort of evil plan?
GLORIA
That’s not it.
FIONA
What is it, then? What kind of kidnappers are you?
GLORIA
Fiona... It wasn’t a kidnapping. It was a rescue.
FIONA
What are you talking about?
GLORIA
Someone... someone did something to you. We don’t know who it was, but your mind is not your own. We need to figure out why and we need to figure out a way to fix it.
FIONA
Oh... okay... this is a cult... I’ve been kidnapped by a cult. Great.
GLORIA
Still no.
FIONA
Look, I promise I’ll swear allegiance to whatever weird god y’all worship okay? Just please don’t make me do any sex stuff.
GLORIA
Jesus Christ, Fiona. You know what? Here.
GLORIA OPENS THE DOOR TO THE WALK-IN.
GLORIA (CONT’D) You can go.
FIONA
What?
GLORIA
Go ahead.
FIONA
... You’re letting me leave?
GLORIA
Yeah, go ahead. Go call the cops on us. Go nuts.
FIONA
Is this a trick?
GLORIA
No.
FIONA
Would you tell me if it was a trick?
GLORIA
Of course I wouldn’t tell you if it was a trick, that’s what makes it a trick... I’m serious, you can go.
FIONA
... Oh sure, I walk out there and then you all start hunting me for sport right?
GLORIA
Fiona, I really need your entire generation to stop watching films. Go ahead.
FIONA
Stay back, though.
GLORIA
I’m staying back.
FIONA WALKS OUT INTO THE DINER.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
Front door’s right there.
FIONA
Don’t follow me.
GLORIA
I won’t.
FIONA
Oh god... oh god... oh god...
FIONA WALKS OUT THE FRONT DOOR AND INTO THE PARKING LOT. THE DINER IS SURROUNDED ON EVERY SIDE BY A DENSE FOREST.
DAVID
Hey, Fiona.
CASPAR
Hey, Fiona.
LEIF
(On the roof.)
What’s up, Fiona?
FIONA
... Where am I?
CASPAR
Looks like we are in a forest.
GLORIA
Leif, what do we know?
LEIF
Same universe. Same time. Still in Cryptessia.
GLORIA
What about the planet?
LEIF
I’ve got the drones doing reconnaissance. Nothing but forest for several miles.
GLORIA
Is there anyone here?
LEIF
It’s inhabited for sure but it’s pretty sparse. There’s the occasional structure but not anything fancy. No radio or microwave frequencies either. Whatever civilization there is, it’s looking pre-industrial.
GLORIA
Okay.
LEIF
Also, we’re staying put in this system, I can see where we’re going for the next few days. I’ve got the diner’s pre-print up on the next few planets. We’re basically going to be pond skipping around this system for a while, I’m assuming to find the refugees.
GLORIA
Yeah, I figured... Caspar, what are you reading?
CASPAR
I grabbed a New York Times from 2012 before we left. Fiona, what is “Gangnam Style?”
FIONA
Somebody tell me where the fuck I am.
CASPAR
We have no idea, Fiona.
FIONA
How does everyone know my name?
DAVID
You told me your name.
FIONA
You... You came into my Starbucks.
DAVID
I did.
FIONA
You were scoping me out, is that it?
DAVID
It wasn’t my idea for you to come along, that was all Queen Bee’s idea.
FIONA
Come along where? Where am I?
CASPAR
I just said-
FIONA
This is your restaurant, you don’t know where your own restaurant is?
CASPAR
Sometimes we do.
GLORIA
Hang on, are we calling me Queen Bee, now?
FIONA
Okay... you said I could go, right?
GLORIA
Sure. Do you want us to give you directions home?
FIONA
Yes, please.
GLORIA
Leif?
LEIF
Fiona, home is that way.
FIONA
Thank you.
LEIF
About 83 lightyears that way.
FIONA
... What?
GLORIA
You’re on another planet, Fiona.
FIONA
... Fucking lunatics.
FIONA WALKS OFF.
GLORIA
Okay, do we have any idea when their ship is getting here?
CASPAR
Ava started talking into my friggin’ head again a few minutes ago, they just came out of some sort of wormhole and they’re headed here, should be a few minutes.
LEIF
Wormhole?
CASPAR
Yeah, apparently the whole galaxy has a network of wormholes built into the fabric of space, no warp gates needed.
LEIF
What the fuck is going on in this system?
CASPAR
That’s a very good question, Leif. Another good question: does anyone know a seven letter word for “Noncompetitive races?”
GLORIA
I’m assuming we’ve landed somewhere near the next batch of refugees. Any idea where they might be?
LEIF
I’ll keep an eye out.
GLORIA
Great. Ooh! “Funruns.”
CASPAR
Nailed it! (Writing.) Fun... runs.
GLORIA
... Hey Fiona.
FIONA
...
GLORIA
Fiona, you don’t seem to be walking anywhere, I thought you were going home?
FIONA
...
GLORIA
You know, I’ve learned a lot about space being out here... What you’re looking at right now is called a planetary ring. You know, like Saturn has?... I always thought it was weird that everything ends up in a ring around a planet, it always seemed way too organized. Like, wouldn’t all the space rocks just be everywhere? Turns out, rings always gather around the equator of a planet because of a “planetary bulge” at the middle. That’s where the gravity is the strongest so all the rocks and ice and debris end up there... People think Earth might have had one for a while. A long time ago, a passing asteroid got shredded by Earth’s gravity and for a few million years there was a ring around it... or at least, my Earth was like that, I don’t know about yours... because, the thing is, Fiona, you’re not from Earth. You’re from a planet that someone spent a lot of time and energy to make look like Earth. I don’t know why... I’m trying to find out...
FIONA
...
GLORIA
... This moment is so cheezy, right? Like how many times have you seen this in a movie? “You’re whole life has been a lie. I’m here to show you the true way. Take the red pill or the blue pill.”... Which one is the pill you’re supposed to take—is it the red one or the blue one?
FIONA
The red one.
GLORIA
Right... Oh, hey. I’m just now realizing that if you had The Matrix on your planet, that means that there are two Keanu Reeves out there. Which is not a bad thing, right? We need more guys like him, the more Keanus the better... silver lining.
FIONA
I can’t feel my hands.
GLORIA
Yes. You’re probably going into shock right now. It’s fine, it’ll pass.
LEIF
Okay, here they come, I’ve got landing signals.
GLORIA
Um. This isn’t really going to help things, Fiona. But, when the spaceship lands try to hang on to consciousness, okay?
FIONA
Spaceship?
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A MASSIVE SPACECRAFT LOWERING TO THE GROUND.
LEIF
Oh, damn, that’s a big boy.
DAVID
Holy shit.
CASPAR
Real subtle.
THE SHIP TOUCHES DOWN, AND A PLANK BEGINS TO LOWER FROM THE HULL.
GLORIA
Are you okay?
FIONA
What do you mean?
GLORIA
I’m assuming that’s the first time you’ve seen a spaceship land?
FIONA
I didn’t see anything.
GLORIA
What do you mean?
FIONA
Did something happen?
GLORIA
... Fiona, you don’t see a spaceship right over there?
FIONA
I don’t see anything.
GLORIA
Whoa.
FIONA
What’s happening?
GLORIA
Okay... Fiona, take my hand, okay? Stay with me. I’m real, okay?
FIONA
You’re real.
GLORIA
Yes.
TETA
There he is!
CASPAR
Oh god.
TETA
Look at you, you miserable bastard!
CASPAR
Teta.
TETA
I think Caspar needs a hug!
CASPAR
Teta, for the love of god-
TETA LIFTS HIM OFF THE GROUND LIKE HE’S A TODDLER.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
UGG!... please put me down.
TETA
I don’t know, I kind of like you up there. Look at you up there!
CASPAR
Teta!
TETA
Okay, fine.
SHE PUTS HIM DOWN.
TETA (CONT’D)
I know you’ve missed me but don’t get all emotional okay?
CASPAR
I’ll try.
TETA
I want you to know I’ve been preparing for your arrival.
CASPAR
Great.
TETA
I’ve written “Caspar’s Number One Fan” on all of the toilets.
CASPAR
That’s sweet.
KAZI
I was told to speak to someone named Gloria. Hello, Caspar.
CASPAR
Take this fucking thing out of my head!
KAZI
No.
CASPAR
Kazi, take this fucking thing out of my head!
KAZI
No.
CASPAR
Kazi.
KAZI
No.
CASPAR
.... Please take this thing out of my head.
KAZI
No... It’s good to see you again, Caspar. You look good. On the inside.
TETA
Is this your kid?
DAVID
What’s up? David.
TETA
David. He’s pretty handsome, Caspar, are you sure he’s not a product of infidelity? David, how good looking was your mailman growing up?
DAVID
I don’t know, but that would answer a lot of questions.
TETA
Here, I’ve got your radio.
EFFIE
Hello there, David.
ZEBULON
Nice to be home.
DAVID
How did your abduction go?
EFFIE
I taught square dancing.
ZEBULON
And I had a lovely discussion about Gulliver’s Travels.
DAVID
What?
CASPAR
Hey, where’s Ava?
TETA
She’s inside looking at a bunch of math.
CASPAR
Of course.
GLORIA
Are you seeing a woman with horns right now?
FIONA
With horns, no, but where did these two people come from? They just appeared.
GLORIA
Hoo boy. Okay, keep holding onto my hand.
KAZI
Gloria.
GLORIA
You must be Kazi.
KAZI
Yes. Who is this?
GLORIA
This is Fiona.
KAZI
I wasn’t told about Fiona.
GLORIA
So, the last planet we were at was full of Earthlings, somehow, but they were all brainwashed into thinking it was Earth in the year 2012.
KAZI
Really.
GLORIA
So... we stole one. Isn’t that right Fiona?
FIONA
Brainwashed?
KAZI
She’s one of them?
GLORIA
Yes.
KAZI
That’s excellent.
FIONA
Brainwashed?
GLORIA
Watch this. Excuse me, was it Teta?
TETA
Yeah, what’s up?
GLORIA
Could you come over here?
TETA
Sure.
GLORIA
Fiona, can you tell me what you see when you look at Teta?
FIONA
I see... a woman?
GLORIA
No horns?
FIONA
Horns?
TETA
Weird.
KAZI
Interesting. Fiona, I’m going to have a look at you.
FIONA
A look-
KAZI GRABS FIONA’S FACE AND TURNS HER HEAD SHARPLY TO THE LEFT, LOOKING AT HER BRAIN.
FIONA (CONT’D)
(Her cheeks smashed together.)
What are you doing?
KAZI
Hold still, I’m having a look at your neural environment.
FIONA
My neural environment?
KAZI
What... in the world...
GLORIA
Juuuuust keep holding onto my hand, Fiona.
KAZI LETS HER GO.
KAZI
Fiona, do you know where you are right now?
FIONA
I... think I’m on another planet.
KAZI
Correct. But myself and my sister. You see two Earthlings?
FIONA
Oh God, what should I see?
GLORIA
She can’t see your ship either.
KAZI
You can’t see our ship?
FIONA
I don’t see a ship, I don’t know what anyone’s talking about.
KAZI
I see... you would need to overlook ships like this if they were coming to your planet for maintenance.
TETA
And ignore alien races so you wouldn’t see the refugees.
KAZI
Precisely. But they didn’t account for her being on another planet, so she can’t edit that out.
FIONA
What’s happening to me? Is Gloria right? Have I been brainwashed?
KAZI
Brainwashing is an Earthling myth, Fiona. However you have had extensive work done on your neural environment. Most likely at a very young age.
FIONA
Why?
KAZI
We’re not quite sure yet. Fiona I’m going to take a sample of your DNA.
FIONA
You’re going to what-OW!
GLORIA
Keep hanging onto the hand, Fiona.
FIONA
You just drew my blood.
KAZI
I did.
FIONA
With what?
KAZI
One moment, please...
GLORIA
Is she... looking at her DNA right now?
TETA
Yeah, you’ll get use to it.
KAZI
... I see... Gloria, you and I need a debrief.
GLORIA
We do, but we’re going to have to multi-task. Guys, circle up!
LEIF
Coming down. Peter, sentry mode.
KAZI
What’s happening?
GLORIA
We didn’t just pick up Fiona. Yesterday we managed to pick up about twenty of your refugees.
KAZI
That’s fantastic.
GLORIA
We think the diner is taking us to all the places they’re holding more of your people, which means there’s more of them around here somewhere.
KAZI
I see.
GLORIA
I know we need to talk but we also need to find the next batch of your people.
KAZI
Alright, what do you suggest?
GLORIA
Leif, any idea where they might be?
LEIF
There’s a structure about three miles through the forest. I think it’s an old farm or something. That’s probably our best bet.
GLORIA
We need to send some people to that farm.
KAZI
Teta?
TETA
What am I doing?
KAZI
We think there’s more refugees at a farm nearby.
TETA
Where is it, I’ll go check it out.
GLORIA
Leif, you go with Teta to check out the farm, okay?
LEIF
Yeah, let me pack some shit and I’ll be ready to go.
GLORIA
Caspar, I don’t know what Ava’s cooking up in there but I need you to be on Ava maintenance again.
CASPAR
Sure, no problem.
DAVID
Hey.
CASPAR
Hey.
DAVID
I’m going to go with Leif and Teta to check out this farm.
CASPAR
The farm?
DAVID
Yes.
CASPAR
The farm that is three miles through thick forest on an unknown alien planet.
DAVID
Yes.
CASPAR
... Okay.
DAVID
Okay?
CASPAR
Okay.
DAVID
Okay.
CASPAR
Okay.
DAVID
... It doesn’t feel like it’s okay.
CASPAR
Okay.
DAVID
... Okay.
CASPAR
Okay.
DAVID
... You’re not going to tell me to be careful?
CASPAR
Why would I need to tell you that? You’re a human adult who knows when to be careful, I don’t need to say anything like that.
DAVID
Okay.
CASPAR
Okay.
DAVID
See you in a bit.
CASPAR
Okay!
DAVID
... Hey, Fiona?
FIONA
What?
DAVID
I think you should take this radio.
FIONA
The... a radio? Why? Why would I need a radio?
DAVID
I think you might find it comforting.
FIONA
Why would I find a radio comforting?
EFFIE
Hello there, Fiona.
ZEBULON
Fiona, I imagine you’re having a dickens of a day, aren’t you dear?
FIONA
What the fuck is this now?
DAVID
I mean, maybe not instantly comforting, but stick with it.
FIONA
There’s no way I’m taking that thing.
DAVID
Well, you kind of have to, Fiona. How else are they going to get around?
FIONA
How else is who going to get around?
ZEBULON
Forgive us, Fiona. I’m Zebulon Mucklewain here with my wife, Effie.
EFFIE
Hi, Fiona. May I just say I am impressed that your head hadn’t just spun right off your body.
ZEBULON
You’ve got a stiff spine on you there, Fiona.
EFFIE
You are standing there on another world, entirely surrounded by all sorts of strangers and strange things, but look at you there, still walking and talking.
FIONA
... I guess I am doing pretty good, considering.
EFFIE
Well, there you go, Fiona. Give yourself some credit.
DAVID
Look at that. Fast friends already. Now I’m just going to hand them over to you.
FIONA
Where do I take them?
DAVID
Wherever they need to go.
FIONA
Where are you going?
DAVID
We need to go check out a farm down the road, there may be some people there who need help.
ZEBULON
I do hope you’ll take care of yourself out there young man.
DAVID
I’ll be fine.
EFFIE
David, we’re going to need a bit more than “I’ll be fine.” I’m going to need some words from you that will assure me you can be responsible out there and not get yourself stuck in some sort of a thicket.
DAVID
A thicket?
EFFIE
David.
DAVID
... I promise I’ll be careful.
ZEBULON
And we will hold you to your word.
EFFIE
I have boots perfectly designed for kicking people right in their rear end, David. Don’t make me put them on.
DAVID
Good God, would you take them, please.
EFFIE
Fiona, let’s go ahead and follow Gloria back inside.
FIONA
Okay.
ZEBULON
How do you enjoy the company of wolves, Fiona?
FIONA
Okay, I really need a normal thing to happen soon.
GLORIA
I see you’ve met the Mucklewains. You’re doing great, Fiona.
FIONA
The radio is-
GLORIA
“The radio is talking to me.” I know, that’s what they all say. Ready for it to get even weirder?
FIONA
No.
KAZI
Actually, you may want to take the radio from her.
GLORIA
Why?
KAZI
She’s going to be unconscious soon.
FIONA
I’m going to wha-
GLORIA
Whoa!
FIONA COLLAPSES. GLORIA CATCHES THE RADIO.
EFFIE
Nice catch, Gloria.
GLORIA
What happened?!
KAZI
When I sampled her DNA I put nanobots in her blood.
GLORIA
Why?
KAZI
She has artificial blocks in her brain, with all of this new stimulus hitting against those blocks she was in danger of having a massive hemorrhage. The nanobots will need to remove them. When she wakes up she’ll be out of danger.
GLORIA
But her brain will be completely changed.
KAZI
Yes, it will literally be a rude awakening.
GLORIA
Well, shit. Uh. Good luck, Fiona. Let’s get her in a booth.
INSIDE THE SHIP. AVA IS ENGROSSED IN A COMPUTER SCREEN THAT IS CONSTANTLY SCROLLING NUMBERS AND EQUATIONS. THE VISTEK HUMS NEXT TO HER. CASPAR ENTERS.
CASPAR
There you are, Jesus, this place is huge!... Hi...
AVA
... Hi...
CASPAR
Hello there, Vistek. I see you’ve met Mr. Tall, Dark, and Ominous.
AVA
...Uh huh...
CASPAR
How are you?
AVA
... Good...
CASPAR
... Do you have an eight letter word for “Pesto Ingredient?”...
AVA
...
CASPAR
Mmm Hm... I invented a new sandwich while you were gone.
AVA
... great...
CASPAR
The BLTN...
AVA
... OK...
CASPAR
... Bacon, lettuce, tomato, and nunchucks.
AVA
... sounds good...
CASPAR
Okay.
AVA
Oh, Libuza’s down the hall and she’s, uh... having emotions.
CASPAR
... She’s having emotions.
AVA
Yeah, can you go... fix it?
CASPAR
Can I go fix it?
AVA
... Yeah.
CASPAR
... Yeah, sure.
AVA
Great...
CASPAR
... So you say something nice to me for the first time literally ever and then are promptly abducted by aliens, that’s how it’s going to go?
AVA
... okay.
CASPAR
Okay.
CASPAR WALKS OFF.
AVA
Talk later?
CASPAR
... What?
AVA
Talk later?
CASPAR
... Yeah, sure.
AVA
Okay... Caspar?
CASPAR
Yeah?
AVA
Pine nuts.
CASPAR
Nailed it. Pine... nuts...
CASPAR WRITES THE ANSWER IN THE CROSSWORD PUZZLE AND WALKS DOWN A LONG HALL.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Okay, this place... THX 1138 vibes are strong...
CASPAR COMES AROUND A CORNER TO FIND LIBUZA.
CASPAR (CONT’D) Hey.
LIBUZA GASPS.
CASPAR (CONT’D) Sorry.
LIBUZA
... Caspar.
CASPAR
How’s it going, kiddo?
LIBUZA
... I’ve been better.
CASPAR
Uh huh.
LIBUZA
...
CASPAR
...
LIBUZA
I’ve ruined everything.
CASPAR
I doubt that.
LIBUZA
All of our people are prisoners, we don’t know where they are, I led them all here, they’re all trapped out there because of me-
CASPAR
Libuza, you want to tap the breaks on whatever’s going on in your head right now?
LIBUZA
I’m a complete failure-
CASPAR
What you are is a car in neutral with your foot on the gas. Can you let your foot off the gas please?
LIBUZA
I disconnected myself from the Vistek.
CASPAR
Okay. I personally think that’s good because that thing is fucking terrifying, but, why did you do that?
LIBUZA
Look around. This entire galaxy is a death trap.
CASPAR
Well, it hasn’t exactly been nice to us thus far.
LIBUZA
I led us all here... we’re worse off than in the Triad.
CASPAR
But the ship’s nice.
LIBUZA
Do you understand what I’m saying? Any heartache, any death that happens here, it’s all my fault.
CASPAR
No, it’s not.
LIBUZA
It very demonstrably is.
CASPAR
Is it really? It wasn’t the fault of the people who trusted you without asking questions? Or the fact that we live in an inherently unknowable universe? None of that played a part? How about the fact that that monstrous thing in there kept you from harm, got you and your sisters together, and led you to the diner flawlessly. You’re attacking yourself because, after a series of massive successes, suddenly you were wrong. How were you supposed to know? It was working. You had every reason to believe it was going to keep doing that. I’m fine, by the way. It’s great to see you too.
LIBUZA
You’re just going to minimize this to try and make me feel better-
CASPAR
I thought you were disconnected from the prediction machine?
LIBUZA
-I don’t want you to make me feel better, I want someone-
CASPAR
What are you yelling at me for?
LIBUZA
I don’t know! I don’t know what I’m doing!
CASPAR
Well, welcome to the fucking party Libuza!
LIBUZA
Caspar. I wasn’t a child when you met me, I’m not a child now. You can’t pat me on the head and tell me it’s going to be okay.
CASPAR
I’m not trying to-
LIBUZA
When I was born, humans hadn’t even mastered electricity.
CASPAR
Well excuse the shit out of me, Tiny Gandalf, I should’ve known that by your incredibly mature behavior right now!
LIBUZA
...
CASPAR
...
LIBUZA
I’m sorry.
CASPAR
It’s okay.
LIBUZA
... Ava told me that I should start yelling at you when you got here. That it would make me feel better.
CASPAR
(Laughing.)
She’s the fucking worst... How do you feel?
LIBUZA
... Better.
CASPAR
Well, then I guess my work here is done.
LIBUZA
It’s good to see you.
CASPAR
It’s good to see you, too.
LIBUZA
Would you sit down next to me, please?
CASPAR
Sure.
CASPAR SITS.
LIBUZA
I’m having a hard time functioning.
CASPAR
I got that sense, yes.
LIBUZA
Kazi is furious with me.
CASPAR
Well, that would imply she has emotions.
LIBUZA
She wants me to push through the pain.
CASPAR
Kazi performs surgery on herself, of course she wants you to push through the pain.
LIBUZA
It was terrifying to disconnect myself from the Vistek, but now that I have... I feel a little better. Scared, but better... I need to figure out how to come back from this but I can’t seem to find my way back.
CASPAR
Well, that’s very obviously because you haven’t seen Indiana Jones and The Raiders of the Lost Ark.
LIBUZA
No, it’s not.
CASPAR
No, seriously. You watch that movie and you’re like “Look at this guy. He’s got a gun and whip and a fedora and tenure, he’s a hero.” But then you keep watching the movie and you see him literally fail at everything he tries to do throughout the entire movie. He succeeds at nothing he attempts in the movie. That’s why he’s the hero. Because he keeps going.
LIBUZA
What if I don’t want to keep going?
CASPAR
You already are.
LIBUZA
I’m just sitting here.
CASPAR
That’s part of it. You need to sit here in the weird ship and be miserable for a second as part of moving on, then you’ll be done with that and you’ll move onto the next thing.
LIBUZA
... You’re literally patting me on the head and telling me it’s going to be okay.
CASPAR
Yeah, I guess I am. In my defense, you should already know how to do that because you’re older than a Greenland Shark apparently.
LIBUZA
... I’m going to get up and walk around.
CASPAR
Hey. Look at you. Okay, give me your hand.
LIBUZA
No, I’d like to do it myself.
CASPAR
Are you sure?
LIBUZA
My senses have come back since I’m not relying on the Vistek anymore... Do you know why my voice sounds so strange to you?
CASPAR
I never said your voice sounded strange to me.
LIBUZA
But it does.
CASPAR
Yeah, it does.
LIBUZA
There are two types of Nyxites. Flaxian and Crimson. I’m a Flaxian. When Flaxians speak, our voice vibrates on multiple frequencies at once, most of which you can’t hear. Those frequencies bounce around and I pick up all their echoes with a gland in my forehead right here. I couldn’t really see you when we met, I just received data in the shape of you. I can see you now. You’re right there.
CASPAR
Here I am.
LIBUZA
Hm... “Here I am.”
CASPAR
What?
LIBUZA
Another thing about Flaxians—it’s a good thing, when you get into a new room, to make a little noise and have a look around. So all of us have a short phrase that we say in a new place. It’s different for everyone, like a little mantra. That was mine: “Here I am.”
CASPAR
Well, Libuza, here you are. What now?
LIBUZA
... If we can figure out why I couldn’t see these mystery men coming, I think it may be the key to everything.
CASPAR
Alright. That sounds like something. Let’s do that.
LIBUZA
Okay.
THEY BEGIN TO WALK BACK DOWN THE HALL.
LIBUZA (CONT’D)
Ava’s picked up my mathematical syntax very quickly.
CASPAR
I would say don’t tell her that or she’ll get a big ego, but I’m afraid the damage is done on that front.
LIBUZA
... She cares about you very much, you know.
CASPAR
Yeah I know.
LIBUZA
I think she might not be great at telling you that.
CASPAR
No, but I’m a bit like you in that respect, Libuza. I can pick up on frequencies that no one else can hear.
WE MOVE TO THE DEEP FREEZE. THE REFUGEES HAVE SET UP A MAKESHIFT CAMP.
KAZI
We were told to never come down here.
GLORIA
Yeah. Leif fixed the door so now we can come and go as we please. It’s a little cold, but I figured this would be better than being crammed into the dining room.
KAZI
I’m sure it’ll do just fine.
GLORIA
Are... are you covered in fur now?
KAZI
Yes. My body adapts to cold weather.
GLORIA
What about when it’s hot?
KAZI
I alternate my blood flow patterns.
GLORIA
Is everybody like this on your planet?
KAZI
No two people are the same on my home world. Because of the harsh conditions we have to constantly make upgrades to our bodies. Once you have the necessary changes done, most of us decide to keep going. I may have gone a bit farther than most people on my planet.
GLORIA
It sounds painful.
KAZI
It is. But it’s very empowering... I’m saddened to hear about Maloo. She was a very hard worker. When we track down her siblings we’ll make sure they’re taken care of.
GLORIA
She said they were trying to get her group to integrate with the Earthlings there.
KAZI
Integrate with them?
GLORIA
Yeah. They were allowed to go free if they promised to behave themselves and live there in peace.
KAZI
In a population of Earthlings who were programmed to see them as human?
GLORIA
Yeah, why would they do that?
KAZI
I’m not sure, something about mirror neurons... Thank you for saving our people, Gloria.
GLORIA
Of course.
KAZI
But it may have been irrelevant.
GLORIA
Why?
KAZI
Ava was telling me you’ve had dealings in the past with The Teds?
GLORIA
Oh, yes.
KAZI
Whoever this is we’re up against, I believe they’ll make the Ted Empire look like children.
GLORIA
Well... that’s fucking great.
KAZI
There’s a holographic system back at the ship. We should head back. I need to show you Fiona’s DNA.
GLORIA
Okay.
WE MOVE TO THE WOODS. TETA, LEIF, AND DAVID MAKE THEIR WAY THROUGH THE TREES.
TETA
I don’t like this fog, I can’t see anything. Are you sure we’re going the right way?
LEIF
Yeah, we’re good. Straight on this way for a couple of miles.
DAVID
... So, what’s the deal with this planet again?
LEIF
Looking like it’s pre-industrial. There weren’t any traces of technology but there’s scattered houses and basic structures. Somebody lives here but I wouldn’t expect any technology past swords and arrows.
DAVID
Where is everybody though?
LEIF
I don’t know.
TETA
You guys want to keep it down? We’re kind of in a kill box here.
DAVID
Kill box?
TETA
Limited visibility, unknown terrain. This is a great place for an ambush.
DAVID
Oh. Sorry.
THEY KEEP WALKING.
LEIF
... So, Teta the Skull Eater, huh?
TETA
Yeah, what of it?
LEIF
I thought you were a mercenary, how’d you end up in the freedom fighter business?
TETA
You’re one to talk, “Death, the Kid.” Screw over any habitable moons lately?
LEIF
That was a long time ago.
TETA
Not for me it wasn’t. If we weren’t in this particular situation, you and I might have to have a word or two.
DAVID
Wait, do you two know each other?
TETA
We know of each other. You know, your friend’s a real piece of shit, David.
DAVID
Oh really?
TETA
Oh yeah. Worked for the most notorious pirate in the Triad.
LEIF
They all know about the pirate stuff.
TETA
Oh they do? So they know about all the people who starved and went into debt because of-
LEIF
Okay, I’m going to go ahead and stop right here. David, I was a pirate.
DAVID
I know.
LEIF
I didn’t have a fun beard and a eye-patch. I was a bad person and I did very bad things. Would you like me to take the time to describe them all to you right now, while we are apparently in the “kill box?”
DAVID
I actually just had a question about the skull eating?
TETA
Shoot.
DAVID
Did you really eat a dude’s skull?
TETA
Just the one time.
DAVID
Why did you eat his skull?
TETA
Because I said to him “I’m going to kill you and eat your skull.” You can’t say that and then NOT eat the guy’s skull. It’s bad for business.
DAVID
Okay but... how did you eat his skull?
TETA
Barbecue sauce.
DAVID
Uh huh... but Leif is the bad guy.
TETA
That’s correct.
DAVID
Okay.
THEY KEEP WALKING.
TETA
This your first time on another planet, David?
DAVID
Second.
TETA
How’d the first time go?
DAVID
It was pretty intense.
TETA
Uh huh...
TETA TAKES OUT HER PISTOL.
TETA (CONT’D)
Here.
DAVID
What is that?
TETA
It’s a gun, dummy.
DAVID
... I don’t know.
TETA
You’re not on Earth anymore, David. Take the gun. I’d offer it to him but I can already tell he’s one of those “my mind is a weapon” guys.
LEIF
That is true, David. My mind is a weapon.
DAVID
... Okay.
DAVID TAKES THE GUN.
DAVID (CONT’D)
How does it work?
TETA
Well first you have to answer its three riddles.
DAVID
What?
TETA
It works just like in the movies, David. You pull the trigger at the bad guys.
DAVID
Okay. What does it shoot?
TETA
Rubber duckies.
LEIF
It’s like an Earth gun, David, it just uses superheated plasma as an accelerant instead of gunpowder.
TETA
Okay. Let’s move. Kill box, remember?
DAVID
Right... kill box...
BACK IN THE DINER, FIONA SUDDENLY WAKES UP IN A BOOTH.
FIONA
... Ow!... Owowowowowowow...
EFFIE
Hello there, Fiona.
ZEBULON
How are you feeling?
FIONA
What happened?
ZEBULON
Well, Fiona, I’m afraid you were in a bit of danger and there needed to be an intervention.
FIONA
An intervention?
EFFIE
Having something to do with that head of yours, Fiona. There were all sorts of things not right up there.
ZEBULON
Though I wouldn’t go asking us the particulars. It’s all very complicated.
EFFIE
But we take Kazi at her word that it needed be done. She’s a doctor.
ZEBULON
Of some sort.
FIONA
Where is everyone?
EFFIE
We’re glad you asked, Fiona. We should get a move on. There’s a very important meeting happening right now in the ship.
FIONA
In the shi-....
ZEBULON
Fiona?
FIONA
I... I can see the ship now.
ZEBULON
Well that’s good. We’re told.
FIONA
It’s very big.
EFFIE
Fiona, you were a bit like a mule with blinders on. And because of that, you were about to wander right off a cliff.
ZEBULON
And not to belabor the metaphor, you must now, not unlike a mule, carry us inside the ship where we can get you proper answers to what I’m sure is an ocean of questions.
FIONA
... Zebulon Mucklewain and your wife Effie.
EFFIE
That’s us, dear.
FIONA
... Okay.
FIONA PICKS UP THE RADIO AND WALKS OUTSIDE TO THE MASSIVE STARSHIP PARKED IN THE PARKING LOT.
FIONA (CONT’D)
I just walk in?
EFFIE
That’s right. You’re doing real well, Fiona.
FIONA TENTATIVELY WALKS INTO THE SPACESHIP. WE BEGIN TO HEAR THEM TALKING.
CASPAR
Kazi, what are you doing?
KAZI
We’re still learning how to use this ship, but I believe I can make a holographic projection...
WE HEAR A HOLOGRAPHIC IMAGE MATERIALIZE.
KAZI (CONT’D)
Yes, here we are.
GLORIA
What is this?
KAZI
This is Fiona’s DNA helix. It looks the same as any of the humans in this room. But If we look closer...
THE IMAGE ZOOMS IN.
GLORIA
Whoa.
CASPAR
What the fuck?
GLORIA
What is that?
KAZI
It’s a serial number on her DNA.
CASPAR
A serial number... Why is it there?
KAZI
I believe it’s there because she’s been manufactured.
CASPAR
She’s synthetic?
KAZI
No, she’s a human. But most likely grown in a birthing chamber. She doesn’t have any of the hallmarks of developing in utero.
CASPAR
She’s a clone?
KAZI
Clones are inelegant and flawed. She’s authentic.
GLORIA
Everyone on her planet is like that?
KAZI
Not just her planet.
AVA
Show them the map.
KAZI CHANGES OVER THE HOLOGRAM.
GLORIA
This is the galaxy we’re in?
KAZI
This is Cryptessia. Before they abandoned this ship, our enemies tried to purge their stored memory. But Teta managed to reconstruct some of it. This is a rudimentary map of Cryptessia.
AVA
Those red dots seem to be all of the planets under their control. There’s about a thousand of them. All Class M planets, so humans can live there.
GLORIA
That’s a lot of territory but it’s nothing compared to the Teds. You were saying they were worse than the Teds.
KAZI
I have every confidence that if they wanted to, these enemies of ours could march into The Triad and conquer it in very little time. Territory isn’t their goal.
GLORIA
What is it, then?
KAZI
Every planet in this system has it’s own designation.
The planet you were on yesterday, where you picked up Fiona, appears to be this one: Planet 2012. The planet we’re currently on appears to be this one: apparently it’s called The Malthusian Trap. Other planets have different names. They’re a bit poetic: The Four Years War, The Great Mortality, Ten Kingdoms.
CASPAR
These are all names from Earth history.
KAZI
I thought they might be. What do they mean?
CASPAR
Oh, I’m sorry, do you require someone who’s an expert in Earth history right now?
GLORIA
Yes, but we’ll have to settle for you.
CASPAR
How dare you?
KAZI
Caspar.
GLORIA
Caspar.
CASPAR
The Four Years War is another name for World War I. The Great Mortality is another name for the Black Plague. Ten Kingdoms could be a reference to a period in China where there was a lot of political chaos.
GLORIA
Why are they all named after Earth history?
LIBUZA
They’re all populated by Earthlings.
GLORIA
... All of them?
KAZI
All of them.
AVA
It’s not just on the planets. Inside those suits the mystery men are wearing? All Earthlings.
GLORIA
The bad guys are Earthlings too? It’s an entire galaxy of Earthlings?
KAZI
I believe so, yes. If Teta, Leif, and David encounter any natives of this planet, they’ll likely be Earthlings as well.
GLORIA
How the hell did they get here?
KAZI
Like I said, they were grown here. I imagine on each of these planets is a massive facility where Earthling-like hominids are grown and processed.
GLORIA
Jesus Christ, are they eating them?
KAZI
Not processed for food. I wasn’t quite understanding until you told me about Maloo, and Ava told me about The Benefactor.
CASPAR
Who the hell is The Benefactor?
AVA
He’s the leader. Zoom in on this corner of the map... There it is. We all remember this, right?
CASPAR
The egg.
AVA
Yes. In this galaxy there’s one solar system that seems to be encased in some sort of obscuring field that makes it look like an egg. That’s where they control all of this.
GLORIA
Control all of what?
KAZI
Caspar, all of these historical terms, they refer to wars, plagues, political upheaval?
CASPAR
Yeah.
KAZI
And what about the one we’re on now? The Malthusian Trap?
CASPAR
Thomas Malthus was a British economist. He talked about a period in history where increased food production led to population growth, the population growth then led to famine and starvation, and then everything repeated again. Because of that, civilization was trapped in a feedback loop for literal centuries.
KAZI
And what pulled you out of it?
CASPAR
Technology. The industrial revolution, apparently.
KAZI
The records we have aren’t complete for this planet, but it does indicate that the ecosystems have an engineered bacteria.
CASPAR
Is it dangerous?
KAZI
It eats plastics.
GLORIA
Plastics?
AVA
It would prevent anyone on this planet from developing complicated technology.
KAZI
You said it was technology that pulled your civilization out of this Malthusian Trap. This planet has a biological stopgap that would prevent that from happening.
CASPAR
So they stay stuck in the past forever.
KAZI
This is what you’ll see on all of these planets. War, famine, plague, chaos. All of it engineered to lock people into a constant state.
GLORIA
Okay, but, 2012?
KAZI
Yes, that’s an odd one. Perhaps we should ask Fiona. Hello, Fiona.
FIONA
... Tell me about my planet.
KAZI
Luckily for us there was a bit more information embedded in your DNA that told us about your planet, Fiona. Planet 2012. Let me make sure I have this right. “Employs a system wherein people may login to a network where they would either express dread of a thing that was coming or weigh in on something that’s already happened, eliminating the present moment. People often remarked that they felt as though they were in a ‘forever decade’, where nothing ever seemed to change.” Does that sound accurate, Fiona?
FIONA
... Yes.
CASPAR
So all of these planets are like intentional communities, all controlled from a central location?
KAZI
Yes. And if done correctly you’d have people like Fiona, who’s been living the same year, over and over again, since the day she was born. Isn’t that right, Fiona?
FIONA
I can see it now. Yes.
KAZI
How’s your head?
FIONA
It really hurts.
GLORIA
Why would this benefactor want people to be at war forever?
CASPAR
Or starving forever. Is he a just a psychopath or something?
AVA
He’s trying to save the universe.
GLORIA
I feel like that’s not the way to do it.
AVA
I mean he’s trying to save the universe from ending.
GLORIA
By doing all this?
AVA
Apparently, his entire philosophy is that a universe is shaped by the sentient minds in it. It’s nonsense, but that’s what he believes. He seems to think that if he gets everyone locked into some sort of intractable situation, they’ll stop looking forward into the future and become... recursive. If you imagine every universe as an arrow going from beginning to end, he wants to make that into a circle that constantly recycles itself.
GLORIA
That explains why he hates the diner so much.
CASPAR
Why is every planet different? Why is one planet 2012 and the other planet a global war or something?
ZEBULON
I’m afraid I have the answer to that one. Not from wisdom but from growing up on a hog farm. When you want to know what feed is making the hogs sick, you divide them into four groups and feed them each something different.
CASPAR
He’s looking for the best way to achieve his goal.
ZEBULON
I believe so my friend.
KAZI
This entire galaxy is his laboratory.
CASPAR
Okay, there’s one question hovering over all of this: why Earth? Why us? This guy engineered a thousand Earths and, I’m guessing, trillions of Earthlings. Why? What’s the big deal about us?
LIBUZA
I’m afraid there’s a question that hovers over even that, Caspar. You said it yourself. A thousand Earths, trillions of Earthlings. If he truly orchestrated all of this, it would’ve taken thousands of your years to do so.
The work of creating all of these Earths and these Earthlings would’ve had to start before Earthlings even existed on Earth. This isn’t a despot, or an evil emperor, or a mad king...
KAZI
This is a God.
GLORIA
Great.
CASPAR
Hey, it’s no problem. Clementine was a god kind of.
GLORIA
Clementine was also a dummy.
EFFIE
Bless her heart.
CASPAR
Also, I know three of these guys just very nearly killed all of us, but the two that Ava talked to were total idiots.
AVA
There are some theories about that.
KAZI
Effie.
EFFIE
Yes. I have thoughts. Y’all, there’s simply no way in heck that these ne’er do wells thought that parading those two corn fritters in front of Ava was the best way to go about things. I met the two of them and they were as a dumb as a box of hair.
ZEBULON
I’m afraid those two gents were meant to be a couple of balls of twine for Ava to bat back and forth.
GLORIA
This Benefactor guy was watching you the whole time?
AVA
It was a little too easy to fuck with their heads. It looks like they sent their worst and dumbest on purpose.
EFFIE
What’s more, I don’t think there’s any way this new malevolence didn’t know that Kazi was whispering in Caspar’s ear this whole time.
CASPAR
He knew you were sending me a message?
KAZI
We believe so. We believe he was trying to bait the diner into showing up nearby.
CASPAR
So he could blast us out of the sky.
LIBUZA
But in both situations you were more than he bargained for. He wasn’t expecting you to escape Earth.
ZEBULON
And there was no way of anticipating Effie and myself aboard his ship.
EFFIE
We’ve managed to wriggle out from underneath his thumb thus far, but he’s been watching us the whole time while we’re doing it.
KAZI
All of us here have been in precarious and deadly scenarios before. This may be the most dangerous of them all.
CASPAR
Well... I’m so glad my son decided to come along.
TETA, LEIF, AND DAVID SLOWLY MAKE THEIR WAY TO THEIR DESTINATION.
GLORIA
(In Leif’s ear.)
Leif?
LEIF
What’s up?
GLORIA
How’re you doing?
LEIF
It’s not like it’s a paved road so it’s a little slow going, but we’re getting there. How’s it going there?
GLORIA
I’ve got a pretty big info dump for you when you get back, but here’s the thing with this planet: There’s some sort of bacteria here that eats plastic.
LEIF
Oh yeah?
GLORIA
Yeah, is that going to screw up any of your whizbangs or thingamajigs?
LEIF
No, all my shit is adaptive silicone now. Pretty much everything in The Triad is. Plastics are the worst.
GLORIA
Okay.
CASPAR
(In earpiece.)
Leif?
LEIF
Yeah?
CASPAR
Seven letters, “Periodic element ‘Hg’”
LEIF
Mercury.
CASPAR
Nailed it.
GLORIA
So, apparently the bad guys are using the bacteria to keep this planet in the dark ages.
LEIF
Kind of genius actually. That would work. I use plastics when I have to but not for the important stuff.
GLORIA
Okay I just want to make sure that Peter is in the category of “Important Stuff.”
LEIF
He’s fine.
GLORIA
Okay. Keep me updated.
LEIF
Will do.
TETA
What’s up?
LEIF
The mystery men put a plastic eating bacteria on this planet to stunt its growth.
TETA
Great.
DAVID
Wouldn’t they eventually just invent something other than plastic?
LEIF
Maybe, but I don’t know what that would be.
TETA
Every civilization goes through their shitty plastic phase.
LEIF
Apparently you can’t move forward as a society without ruining an ocean or two.
TETA
You know what this means, though: No advanced society, very little rule of law.
LEIF
Yeah, it’s going to be the wild west out here.
DAVID
I have heard we’re in the kill box.
TETA
Keep laughing, you’ll see.
THEY ALL WALK FOR A MOMENT.
DAVID
So, tell me something, Leif.
LEIF
What?
DAVID
Getting back to the topic of you being a terrible person who did terrible things.
LEIF
Yeah.
DAVID
Is that why you do all this?
LEIF
What do you mean?
DAVID
You could just build a ship and go wherever you want. Instead you do this. Are you trying to make up for all that stuff you did as a pirate?
LEIF
I’d be a pretty big idiot if I thought there was someone out there keeping score, David. The universe doesn’t care how good you are to your fellow man. If there was a way to take it all back, maybe I’d give it a try, but that particular innovation is a technology that’s beyond even me... I don’t think it’ll change anything, but it has been nice after all that to defend something beautiful. I don’t know what the diner is, but it is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Not a bad way to play out the rest of your hand. Of course you’ll always have people like Teta reminding you what a shithead you were, but that’s to be expected.
TETA
No, I get it. I was still doing mercenary shit on Alexa Prime when I got a weird message from someone named Libuza, telling me that she was my sister. Next thing I know, I was making the insane choice of fighting a guerrilla war against the Teds. Shit can really change on a dime sometimes. Sometimes you wake up as somebody else without even meaning to.
WE HEAR THE WILD SCREAM OF A MAN OFF IN THE DISTANCE.
DAVID
The fuck was that?
IN ANOTHER DIRECTION WE HEAR THE WILD CRY OF ANOTHER MAN IN THE DISTANCE. THEN ANOTHER AND ANOTHER. THEY ARE SURROUNDED.
TETA
Have I told you lately about the kill box?
LEIF
David, stay close.
THE SCREAMING CONTINUES AS WE MOVE BACK TO THE SHIP. FIONA IS LOOKING AT THE HOLOGRAM OF HER DNA.
KAZI
Fiona you can look at that hologram of your DNA all day, you’re still not going to recognize it.
FIONA
... What am I?
KAZI
... I could tell you your species. Genus, classification. But I don’t imagine that’s what you mean.
FIONA
... What are you?
KAZI
Ah. That’s right. You’re able to see me now... I’m a Lunar Lynnite.
FIONA
What is that?
KAZI
I come from a moon that orbits a planet called Lynn.
FIONA
Is it nice there?
KAZI
No.
FIONA
Is that why you left?
KAZI
My work took me elsewhere.
FIONA
What was your work?
KAZI
Guerilla warfare.
FIONA
... Yikes.
KAZI
I imagine you’d rather be back at that coffee shop of yours.
FIONA
... I don’t know. I know all of this now.
KAZI
Yes, that does complicate things.
FIONA
If I was manufactured in some lab somewhere... why was I?
KAZI
I don’t fully understand the scope of what’s being done in this system, Fiona.
FIONA
You keep calling me Fiona, that’s not my name.
KAZI
What should I call you?
FIONA
Names are given to you by someone that cares about you, it’s the first act of... of loving your child. I wasn’t loved, I was... I don’t know what I was.
KAZI
... It’s very difficult to live on my home planet. It’s barely habitable. We have to make alterations to our bodies at a very young age just to survive. The first procedure you have done is your lungs. Making them more efficient so you can absorb more oxygen with each breath. When we’re old enough to have this procedure, there’s something we say: “Two bodies I am given. One a grave. One a prison.”
FIONA
What does that mean?
KAZI
We’re born into a body that’s a prison. And our journey through life is to find the body we’ll die in. Your body was a prison. I’ve removed the blocks and now your body is yours. I’m afraid after that, it’ll be up to you.
GLORIA ENTERS.
GLORIA
Hey, there you are. It’s been a big day, Fiona, how are you doing?
FIONA
How do you think I’m doing?
GLORIA
Not great.
FIONA
Isn’t a human being just a pile of experiences? I don’t have any.
GLORIA
I don’t know what makes up a human being, Fiona, but if it is just a pile of experiences, today you traveled to another planet, met some aliens, and had brain surgery. You’re catching up real quick.
FIONA
That doesn’t help.
GLORIA
You were going to go to a concert, weren’t you?
FIONA
What?
GLORIA
When I met you yesterday, you told me you were going to a concert?
FIONA
Not anymore.
GLORIA
With who?
FIONA
With... with some friends.
GLORIA
Where are your friends right now?
FIONA
... They’re still there.
GLORIA
Does that feel good? To think about your friends back there on the planet where we found you? Do you like the idea of them being there? Living the same year over and over again like you were?
FIONA
No.
GLORIA
Then I guess that means you’re in the right place. You don’t need to figure it all out, Fiona, you just need to know where to start. So start here. It’s as good a place as any... What’s the real thing that’s happening, Fiona? The most basic thing you can think of right now?
FIONA
... I’m starving.
GLORIA
Aha. Good. That’s a great place to start. Why don’t you head inside I’ll make you some food.
FIONA
Okay.
FIONA EXITS.
KAZI
... You’re very good at this.
GLORIA
You sound surprised.
KAZI
I am.
GLORIA
You’re very good at this too, I’m not surprised.
KAZI
You run a restaurant and I’m the daughter of a legendary conqueror. I think it’s more expected with me.
GLORIA
Because it’s in your blood.
KAZI
Yes.
GLORIA
The place my ancestors come from on Earth—it was controlled by colonizers for a long time. When there was finally a revolution, some of the most fearsome fighters were women. I try and think about them when I’m out here. Maybe it’s in my blood a little bit, too.
KAZI
I see... can I offer you some advice?
GLORIA
Of course.
KAZI
We had to leave a lot of people behind when we left The Triad. I wanted to take more but Libuza said we could only take about a hundred. I think about the ones we left behind every day. It may be my most preoccupying thought... With Fiona, you’ve taken one of them. And there may be trillions of enslaved people like her strewn across this galaxy... That’s a lot of people keeping you up at night, Gloria.
WE MOVE BACK TO THE FOREST. THEY ARE STILL SURROUNDED BY A GROUP OF MEN SCREAMING IN THE DISTANCE.
DAVID
What is it with the screaming?
TETA
It’s a bullshit psychological tactic. They’re trying to freak us out.
DAVID
Who are they?
TETA
Probably just bandits. They wait for people to walk through the woods and then they take their stuff.
THE MEN STOP SCREAMING.
TETA (CONT’D)
Okay. Here we go.
LEIF
How about this, when they rush us, I’ll take off running and lead them away, you come up behind them.
TETA
Yeah, sure, that sounds like something.
LEIF
Okay. David, stay here and don’t get killed.
DAVID
Challenge accepted.
WE BEGIN TO HEAR THE SOUND OF SEVERAL MEN RUNNING THROUGH THE FOREST STRAIGHT TOWARDS THEM.
LEIF
Here they come... here they come... Here I go!
LEIF TAKES OFF RUNNING.
LEIF (CONT’D)
I’M RUNNING THIS WAY AND TAKING ALL OF OUR VALUABLES WITH ME!
THE MEN CHASE AFTER LEIF.
TETA
Oh my god I can’t believed that worked. Okay, stay here, I’ll be right back. I usually take an ear, do you want an ear?
DAVID
An ear?
TETA
Yeah, like a little trophy.
DAVID
No, I do not want an ear.
TETA
You know what, I’ll get you one just in case. Stay frosty!
TETA TAKES OFF RUNNING. WE MOVE BACK TO THE DINER. CASPAR, AVA, AND LIBUZA SIT AT AVA’S BOOTH.
AVA
Okay... that was a lot of math I just looked at.
LIBUZA
Sorry. I’m sure it’s overwhelming.
AVA
No, it’s really beautiful, actually. When you unplug from the standard Earthling left-to-right western dominance it really frees things up. I’d love to read more about it.
LIBUZA
“The Circle in the Spire” by Recca Ayumu or “The Black Fundamentals” by Umbra Messorem are a great place to start.
AVA
Write that down.
CASPAR
I’m here to take the minutes, that’s what I’m doing?
AVA
You’re not currently bringing me anything so you have to make yourself useful.
CASPAR
I don’t have to right now, because look.
FIONA
Hi, there. Anyone want coffee? Trying to stay busy.
CASPAR
I’ll have some.
FIONA
Hi. I’m Fiona.
LIBUZA
Hello, Fiona.
FIONA
So... where are you from?
LIBUZA
I’m from Nyx.
FIONA
Okay. Don’t mind me, just trying to normalize talking to aliens.
LIBUZA
You’re doing great.
AVA
Fiona, we’re kind of in a meeting right now.
FIONA
Sorry. Can I get anyone anything else?
AVA
We’re fine.
CASPAR
Yes, Fiona can you bring me a six letter word for “Ungulate features?”
FIONA
Okay.
AVA
Have you gotten any of those answers yourself?
CASPAR
I got all the tiny words.
FIONA
Hooves?
CASPAR
There we go. There we go, Fiona. Nailed it. H... O... O...
AVA
So here’s the thing. Your work is flawless.
LIBUZA
I don’t see how that’s possible.
AVA
I can already tell. It doesn’t have that bad math smell.
LIBUZA
Bad math smell?
AVA
Yeah, you know what I mean.
LIBUZA
Then why are there gaps in what I can see?
AVA
You gathered data on all the matter in this universe, and you’ve been saying to yourself, “where did I go wrong?” But I think you’re asking the wrong question.
CASPAR
Hey, couldn’t the reason she can’t see the mystery men is because they’re from another universe. She can predict everything in this universe but what if they’re not from this universe.
AVA
The diner isn’t from this universe either and she could see that.
LIBUZA
It’s not a bad question, Caspar. I was able to see the diner the same way that I’m able to see the two of you right now. I sense the sounds bouncing off of you so I know you’re there. Intrusions from other universes still show up in my data as a very obvious blank spot surrounded by causation.
AVA
It’s like throwing a sack of flour on the invisible man. You still don’t see the invisible man, but you see the flour that covers him.
CASPAR
I see. Amazing that I’m still in this conversation right now.
AVA
I have an idea, but it’s pretty nutty.
CASPAR
Oooh, and I’m just about to tap out, I can feel it.
AVA
Your dataset is the condensed matter of the universe microseconds before expansion.
LIBUZA
Yes.
AVA
Effectively, the beginning of the universe.
LIBUZA
Yes.
AVA
But it’s only effectively the beginning of the universe. There were those brief moments before the big bang, before the Higgs field changed. Fractions of microseconds before everything came into being.
LIBUZA
There’s no data on those moments, there’s no data to be gathered.
AVA
Sure... buuuut if time and gravity and all the heavy hitters of the cosmos weren’t constant laws, but aspects that evolved and came into being as the universe expanded, then what are those fractions of microseconds before everything? Can you measure them?
LIBUZA
You’re saying that the reason I can’t see The Benefactor, is because he comes from that period before the universe decided to have things like time?
AVA
What does he say he’s striving for? Balance in the universe. A universe that isn’t a straight line but a circle. Pure existence. In those microseconds before the big bang, if there was nothing like time or even space, it would’ve been pure existence.
LIBUZA
He’s not trying to transform the universe, he’s trying to bring it back to what it was.
AVA
If that’s what we’re dealing with—if he’s a being who existed before even matter existed—how bound by the laws of physics would he be? How invisible would that make him to the Vistek?
CASPAR
Do you guys hear that?
AVA
What?
CASPAR
Nothing. Keep talking about things I don’t understand.
CASPAR CROSSES TO THE RADIO. WE CAN HEAR GLORIA CLEANING THE GRILL.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Y’all hear that?
EFFIE
We hear it alright.
CASPAR
We know what that means right?
ZEBULON
I’m afraid we do, my friend.
CASPAR
Let’s check in on Gloria, shall we?
CASPAR WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN WITH THE RADIO. GLORIA CONTINUES TO CLEAN FURIOUSLY.
CASPAR (CONT’D) Hello.
EFFIE
Hey here, Gloria.
ZEBULON
Any word on our party of adventurers?
GLORIA
Nothing yet.
SHE KEEPS CLEANING.
CASPAR
Fiona’s jumped right in, she’s getting people coffee.
GLORIA
Yeah... I was doing side work after my first 24 hours. Stuff like that is comforting.
CASPAR
Stuff like cleaning the grill?
GLORIA
... Stuff like cleaning the grill.
SHE KEEPS CLEANING.
EFFIE
... I’m going to go ahead on and jump to it, Gloria. What are your perturbations right now?
GLORIA
I don’t have any perturbations.
ZEBULON
Forgive us, Gloria, but a cleaning of the grill has come to hold a double meaning within these environs.
SHE STOPS CLEANING.
GLORIA
... I can’t believe this but, I have a question about the bible.
ZEBULON
Oh my.
EFFIE
Well, let me just get comfortable.
ZEBULON
We both have our listening hats on, Gloria, you go right ahead.
GLORIA
Wasn’t there a point in the bible when Jesus told some lepers to heal themselves?
ZEBULON
No.
GLORIA
... Shit, really?
ZEBULON
I’m afraid not.
EFFIE
It’s a common mistake Gloria. At one point, Jesus told the lepers how to continue to heal themselves and people had a tendency to hold on a bit too hard to that point.
ZEBULON
Yes, it tends to be used in times when folks would like to not feel overburdened by the miseries of others.
EFFIE
But, sure enough, Jesus walked himself in there and said, whiz-bang, you’re healed.
ZEBULON
Just like that.
EFFIE
It’s a bit infuriating, if I’m honest.
ZEBULON
Makes it look so easy.
EFFIE
Bit of a show off at times, our savior.
GLORIA
Then I guess I don’t have a question about the bible.
CASPAR
Gloria, why are you asking about lepers?
GLORIA
... How many people did we leave behind on Fiona’s planet yesterday?
CASPAR
Well, Nikki Minaj at least.
GLORIA
Seriously.
CASPAR
A lot.
GLORIA
And I just... Keep going?
CASPAR
We were lucky to get out of there alive, Gloria.
GLORIA
They weren’t. They’re all going to die there.
CASPAR
Please don’t tell me you’re trying to make it your responsibility to save an entire galaxy.
GLORIA
Whose responsibility should it be? They won’t be able to do it themselves.
CASPAR
Think of the amount of people that you’re talking about. Going up against The Teds was insane enough. Not to mention we’ve got about a hundred more refugees to find.
GLORIA
And after that we just leave behind an entire galaxy full of enslaved people?
CASPAR
Yes. That’s exactly what we do, Gloria. Because we’re a hand full of people and they are a space god and his army.
ZEBULON
It’s certainly a maze to be in, Gloria. How does one go from one place to another, bypassing the sick and the needy? There is something within us that screams out to help our fellow beings, yet with so much sorrow in the world, one could work their whole life to save others and find at the end they’ve barely moved that stone up the hill.
EFFIE
It causes one to wonder if they should even begin. How can you feel complete in your task if the world is still filled with such sorrow, even after an eternity trying to heal it?
ZEBULON
But it should be remembered that the Lord has put no one person on the Earth to heal all of its ills. We are all here together, and our burdens should be shouldered together.
EFFIE
What we’re saying is, there’s no shame in scooping up these refugees and then performing a healthy skee-dattle out of this particular corner of the sky.
CASPAR
See there? Jesus approves of us not having to save literally everyone in the galaxy.
GLORIA
... Kazi told me she had to leave people behind in The Triad. She said that it haunts her. I don’t want to feel that way.
EFFIE
Gloria, step outside of yourself for a moment. What would your advice be to yourself?
ZEBULON
I imagine it’d be to fixate upon the thing right in front of you. Sometimes the big picture is overwhelming in its enormity.
GLORIA
Can’t say that I’m great about following my own advice, y’all.
GLORIA GOES BACK TO CLEANING THE GRILL.
BACK IN THE FOREST. LEIF RUNS THROUGH THE FOREST AND THEN FINALLY COMES TO A STOP. THE GROUP OF BANDITS CHASING HIM ALL COME TO A STOP RIGHT BEHIND HIM AND SURROUND HIM.
LEIF
Hey there, guys... I don’t know about you but I think that’s enough running for today, what do you say?
TETA
Hey, fellas. What are we up to today?
THE BANDITS ALL DRAW SWORDS AND POINT THEM AT TETA.
TETA (CONT’D)
Uh oh... swords.
WE MOVE BACK TO DAVID, SAFE AND SOUND. FAR OFF WE HEAR THE SOUND OF GUNFIRE, EXPLOSIONS, AND MEN SCREAMING.
DAVID
Well, good a time as any for a selfie.
DAVID TAKES OUT HIS PHONE AND POSES.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Planet number two, y’all.
HE SNAPS A PICTURE.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Really need to find a way to post these.
ONE OF THE MYSTERY MEN SUDDENLY DROPS DOWN INTO THE FOREST, TAKING DAVID BY SURPRISE.
DAVID (CONT’D) Fuck!
THE MYSTERY MAN ADVANCES ON HIM.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Couldn’t wait to get me alone, huh?... C’mon... C’mon do something... Do something!
THE MYSTERY MAN CHARGES HIS WEAPON. DAVID DRAWS HIS PISTOL AND FIRES. THE MYSTERY MAN DROPS TO THE GROUND.
DAVID (CONT’D)
... She was a fucking kid... Fucking asshole.
LEIF COMES RUNNING.
LEIF
Oh shit!... Nice work David, nice work, move move move, he’s going to teleport away-
THE MYSTERY MAN TELEPORTS AWAY.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Fuck! Come on!... Just leave me your gun one time!... David, you okay?
DAVID
I’m okay... Let’s go.
LEIF
Teta’s finishing up back there, I don’t think we should interrupt her. Leharian blood lust is a very real thing, she’s lethally headbutted three guys at this point. It’s dark.
DAVID
Okay.
LEIF
You sure you’re good?
DAVID
... I’m good.
WE MOVE TO THE DINER PARKING LOT. THE SUN HAS BEGUN TO SET. FIONA WALKS OUT INTO THE PARKING LOT, HESITATES, AND THEN STARTS TO WALK AWAY FROM THE DINER.
ZEBULON
Hello there, Fiona.
FIONA
Oh... Hi.
EFFIE
Getting dark out, Fiona. Where you headed?
FIONA
Uh...
EFFIE
It’s alright.
FIONA
Inside they were talking about “jumping” and “traveling” and how it was going to “happen soon” and it all sounded pretty scary and suddenly I was headed for the door and there was this part of me that thought I should make a run for it and take my chances in the woods.
EFFIE
I see.
ZEBULON
Well, we certainly can’t blame you, Fiona. Folks will do a lot just to feel some solid ground beneath their feet.
EFFIE
And we’re just sittin’ here, Fiona. There’s nothing we can do to put a stop to you heading off into those woods.
FIONA
I just don’t know if I can do this.
ZEBULON
Fiona, earlier today you heard our friend Caspar, going on and on about history. Remember that?
FIONA
Yes.
ZEBULON
Not sure what it is with him and history. I imagine he takes a shine to it because you always know where history is. It’s right there in the past.
EFFIE
Fiona, you know what no historian has ever said in one of those books of theirs?
FIONA
What?
EFFIE
“Luckily, they were alone.”
ZEBULON
That’s very true, Fiona. In the great stretch of time that begins with those quiet hours of the lord hovering over the waters, all the way up to you standing there, at the edge of that parking lot, being alone has never been a welcome feeling, never a boon.
EFFIE
So while the solid ground of those lonely woods may seem like a comfort, do yourself a service and make yourself a home amongst people, won’t you?
DAVID
(Approaching the diner.)
Hey.
FIONA
David?
LEIF
Hey, Fiona. How was your day?
SEVERAL OF THE REFUGEES ARE WALKING PAST FIONA.
FIONA
Uh... who are these people?
TETA
These are the refugees, try and keep up Fiona.
FIONA
Refugees from where?
DAVID
All over the place. You coming in?
FIONA
Uh, yeah.
EFFIE
Take us with you now, Fiona.
FIONA
Oh, sorry.
FIONA PICKS UP THE RADIO AND HEADS INSIDE.
GLORIA
(Talking to the refugees.)
Welcome back everyone, come right this way. I know you weren’t supposed to go into the deep freeze before, but it’s all fixed now. Head toward the campsite and you’ll start to see some familiar faces okay? You’re all going to be okay now. Leif, how many is that?
LEIF
Only seven.
GLORIA
Fuck.
LEIF
I know, I was hoping for more, too. It explains why there was only one mystery man here guarding them.
CASPAR
There was, what happened?
DAVID
Uh-
TETA
What do you think happened? I killed him.
KAZI
The more refugees we capture, the more security there’s going to be.
DAVID
(To Teta.)
Here’s your gun back.
TETA
That’s not my gun, that’s your gun.
DAVID
Teta-
TETA
It’s called a Boomhower. Most reliable gun in The Triad. There are many like it, but that one is yours. Enjoy.
GLORIA
Ava, Libuza, anything you’d like to share with the class?
AVA
We’ve talked it over.
LIBUZA
If our theories are correct, the Benefactor is more powerful than anyone any of us have ever encountered.
AVA
Our official recommendation is to get the refugees and get the fuck out of this fucking galaxy as soon as we can.
CASPAR
I support that plan.
LEIF
Same here.
KAZI
We can track the diner’s path from our ship, hopefully the enemy can’t. With each stop, Libuza, Teta, and I will be following you.
DAVID
(To Fiona.)
You okay?
FIONA
I’m really scared.
DAVID
Okay. But be scared right here, okay? Not out there.
FIONA
Okay.
GLORIA
Everyone, we’re going to jump soon. At our next stop there are going to be even more refugees to save. And if there are just a few of them each time, we’re going to be making a lot of stops. The planets will often be hostile, and we’re going to be hunted by the mystery men the whole time. But we have the sisters with us, we have a ship, and we have each other. Shit, we even have a barista now. It’s going to be hard, but we can do it.
ZEBULON
Gloria, if I may, a prayer.
GLORIA
Uh, fuck it, Zebulon. Why not?
ZEBULON
Lord. In your wisdom, you have placed us in a treacherous land but with goodness trapped within. We, as your servants, shall seek out that hidden beneficence and defend it in your name. As it is said, “The righteous cry, and the lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles.” Hear then, lord, our reverenced cry...”
EFFIE
Fangs out, Lord.
AVA
Fangs out!
LIBUZA
What is “Fangs Out?”
CASPAR
Fangs out.
KAZI
Fangs out?
CASPAR
Kazi you’re not allowed to say it if you actually have fangs.
KAZI
I don’t have fangs.
CASPAR
Not right now.
LEIF
Fuck yeah. Fangs out.
FIONA
What does that mean?
TETA
I like it. Fangs out.
LEIF
David?
DAVID
I’m not saying that.
LEIF
You have to say it, it’s part of the thing.
DAVID
No.
EFFIE
David.
DAVID
... Fangs out.
EVERYONE
FANGS OUT!
THE END.