Chapter 40: Romney for America
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A BUSY COFFEE SHOP.
FIONA
Here’s your cappuccino.
DAVID
Thanks. I could’ve come up there.
FIONA
Oh, it’s no problem. Do you want to hear something funny?
DAVID
Sure.
FIONA
We get secret shoppers coming in here from corporate sometimes. They will literally order a cappuccino, then go out to a van where they have equipment that can weigh the amount of foam we’ve put on the cappuccinos.
DAVID
You’re kidding.
FIONA
No, it’s so ridiculous. I love your phone screen.
DAVID
Thanks.
FIONA
What is that?
DAVID
It’s mine. It’s a piece a did.
FIONA
You’re a street artist?
DAVID
I am.
FIONA
That’s so cool. I love it.
DAVID
Thanks.
FIONA
Wow, what phone is that? Is that the new one?
DAVID
It is.
FIONA
Can you believe this, look at my phone, my screen is so fucked.
DAVID
A cracked screen is a sign of a busy life.
FIONA
Tell me about it, I just got it last year and already this happened.
DAVID
Last year?
FIONA
Yeah. Ridiculous. Are you new to the area, I haven’t seen you in here before, we have a lot of regulars.
DAVID
Yeah, I... just got here.
FIONA
Welcome.
DAVID
Thanks.
FIONA
Hey, have you heard of Nicki Minaj?
DAVID
Have I heard of her?
FIONA
My friends are going to her show tonight and we have an extra ticket. Might be a good way to get to know people if you’re new in town.
DAVID
Uh, sure, why not?
FIONA
Cool. Give me your phone, I’ll put in my number.
DAVID
Okay.
FIONA
(Typing.)
Wow, this phone is so cool, okay, there you go. Fiona.
DAVID
Got it.
FIONA
I’m working until six and then my friends are picking me up here.
DAVID
Sounds like fun.
FIONA
Great! Anyway, like I said, I’m Fiona.
DAVID
Uh, Dustin. Dustin Watson
FIONA
Nice to meet you, Dustin Watson.
DAVID
Same here.
FIONA WALKS AWAY.
LEIF
(In David’d earpiece.)
Guys, round of applause for David’s first on-the-fly Alias, let’s hear it.
THEY APPLAUD.
DAVID
Very funny.
GLORIA
Good job, David. She really bought it.
DAVID
She did. Such a tragedy, though.
GLORIA
What’s that?
DAVID
Well, if this were a normal situation, she would stalk me on Instagram, being very careful not to like anything, and then she would finally see my pictures from LA Pride 2018 and her little heart would be crushed.
GLORIA
Thanks for describing my late twenties to me, David.
DAVID
But this is, of course, not a normal situation.
GLORIA
It’s not.
DAVID
Tell me. How far are we from Earth right now?
GLORIA
Leif?
LEIF
About 820,000 light years as the crow flies, David.
DAVID
Uh-huh. Y’all I’m at a Starbucks.
GLORIA
Yeah, it’s pretty weird, David.
DAVID
You haven’t seen something like this before?
GLORIA
We’ve been to a bunch of different versions of Earth but they’re always where Earth is supposed to be. This place looks like Earth but like Leif said, it’s in the wrong place. We’re trying to figure it out.
LEIF
David, remember we were talking about Cryptessia?
DAVID
That’s where the Sisters went.
LEIF
Yes. That’s where the diner took us. We didn’t travel through dimensions, we did’t travel through time, we just traveled spatially. And somehow here in Cryptessia is a duplicate of Earth.
DAVID
Can I say I’m disappointed? I was expecting octopus creatures on Glorbnar-7 or something.
GLORIA
We didn’t know what to expect but we didn’t expect this.
DAVID
Well, if it is another Earth, it’s from a few years ago.
GLORIA
What do you mean?
DAVID
Her phone was an older phone but she said she got it last year. That was like an iPhone 5, it still had a button on it. Also, she asked me if I had heard of Nicki Minaj, like her first album had just dropped.
GLORIA
Interesting. Good catch, David.
THERE’S AN ALERT ON DAVID’S PHONE.
DAVID
One moment... Oh my.
GLORIA
What?
DAVID
The audacity.
GLORIA
What’s happening?
DAVID
A man in this Starbucks has just airdropped a shirtless picture to me.
GLORIA
Whoa.
DAVID
Not sure how I should respond to that in this situation.
GLORIA
I mean, how does he look?
CASPAR
No hookups on the hostile alien planet, please.
LEIF
Caspar, c’mon. That’s where the best hookups are.
CASPAR
Leif.
GLORIA
David, you’re doing a great job but I don’t think we need you to go that undercover.
DAVID
I think it’s important to acknowledge that I have had two people hit on me already at this Starbucks, so I may be far from home, but I’m thriving.
GLORIA
Acknowledged.
CASPAR
Okay, can we get him back here please, we’re really pushing it.
GLORIA
Yeah, David, you can come on back.
DAVID
... Hang on.
GLORIA
... What?
DAVID
I saw something, Hang on.
GLORIA
Where are you going?
DAVID WALKS OUT OF THE STARBUCKS AND ONTO THE BUSY STREET.
CASPAR
David, what the hell are you doing?
DAVID
I’m walking down the street.
CASPAR
Walking down the street towards us, I hope.
DAVID
This place is trying to convince us that it’s Earth, right?
GLORIA
I don’t know if it’s trying to convince us of anything but, they’ve got Nicki Minaj. That’s a pretty deep detail.
DAVID
If it’s trying to be Earth then why am I following a woman down the street with green skin right now?
LEIF
Whoa.
CASPAR
Green skin?
GLORIA
Okay. David, look around, is there anyone else who has alien vibes?
DAVID
No, it’s Earthlings wall to wall.
GLORIA
Is anyone else seeing her?
DAVID
No, it’s like she perfectly blends in.
GLORIA
Weird. Okay, stay on her, David.
CASPAR
Gloria.
GLORIA
Caspar, we talked about this, these guys may know who we are so we sent David to look around, it’s the best choice.
DAVID
It’s the best choice.
LEIF
David, can you give me anything other than green?
DAVID
I can’t see her that well.
GLORIA
Don’t make contact, hang back.
CASPAR
Hang way back, please.
DAVID
Can we get him some camomile tea?
GLORIA
Yeah, Caspar can you chill out, please?
CASPAR
That’s easy for you to say, my son just volunteered for a life of danger.
DAVID
This fool thought he could show me a time-traveling dimension-spanning diner and I would just go back to work on Monday.
CASPAR
The quiet life is underrated, David.
DAVID
Depends on your rating system... Hang on, she stopped.
GLORIA
What’s she doing?
DAVID
She’s looking around... She looks...
GLORIA
Looks like what?
DAVID
You know that look people have right before they do something crazy?
GLORIA
I know that look.
DAVID
She just went into a convenience store, should I follow her?
CASPAR
No.
LEIF
I wouldn’t, David, you might lose her in there.
DAVID
Okay. I think I saw yellow stripes.
LEIF
Green with yellow stripes, green with yellow stripes. Lemonier?
CASPAR
We’re just as far from there as we are from Earth.
DAVID
She’s already out... She’s got a gallon of water in her hands.
GLORIA
Weird.
WE HEAR WATER SPLASHING.
DAVID
... And she’s pouring it all over herself.
GLORIA
Is anyone noticing her yet?
DAVID
Kind of. But they’re just walking past her like she’s some weird lady on the street.
GLORIA
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
DAVID
Uh-oh. Cops.
LEIF
Shit.
DAVID
Cop car is rolling by slowly... Oh lord, she has picked up a trash can.
WE HEAR A TRASH CAN HIT THE POLICE CAR. THE CAR BLASTS ITS SIRENS AND STOPS.
DAVID (CONT’D)
And she threw it. She’s getting arrested.
MALOO
This is a lie! They are lying to you! You are being lied to!
DAVID
Not sure what she was trying to accomplish but... respect.
CASPAR
I know that voice.
GLORIA
You do?
CASPAR
She’s green?
DAVID
Yeah.
CASPAR
... Maloo. Her name is Maloo, I think.
DAVID
(Calling to her.)
Maloo!
CASPAR
David, stop it.
MALOO
... You can see me?
DAVID
I can see you!
MALOO
How?
THE DOOR TO THE COP CAR SHUTS.
DAVID
They’ve got her in the car.
LEIF
She was one of the refugees?
CASPAR
Yeah, she was just a kid.
DAVID
We need to talk to her.
GLORIA
That’s going to be a little hard now.
CASPAR
Okay, David, get back here, we need to figure this out.
LEIF
If she’s here, the others could be here.
DAVID
Yeah...
CASPAR
... David.
DAVID
I hope y’all have some cash under the mattress.
GLORIA
What are you doing, David?
DAVID
I’m going to need bail money.
CASPAR
David.
DAVID
Trash can seemed to do the trick.
CASPAR
David!
DAVID
You dropped this!
WE HEAR ANOTHER TRASH CAN HITTING THE CAR.
GLORIA
Oh shit!
CASPAR
David, what the fuck!
LATER. INSIDE THE COP CAR. WE HEAR THE DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE. WE ARE NOW INSIDE THE COP CAR WITH DAVID AND MALOO.
DAVID
Hello there.
MALOO
How can you see me? Who are you?
DAVID
Looks like everybody can see you, I’m the only one who sees a green person.
MALOO
Why?
DAVID
I don’t know. I’m David. You know my dad, Caspar?
MALOO
Caspar. He’s here?
DAVID
He’s here, the diner’s here.
MALOO
... Libuza was right. She said he would come back. Are the sisters here?
DAVID
They’re not here?
MALOO
We were separated.
DAVID
Maloo, what’s going on?
MALOO
I don’t know where to start.
DAVID
Have you been arrested before?
MALOO
No. Is that what they’re doing?
DAVID
Yes. We’re going to the precinct and they’re going to process us, after they process us, they’re going to split us up. That’s how much time you have to tell me everything.
THE TWO COPS GET INTO THE CAR AND START THE ENGINE.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Clock’s ticking.
MALOO
I’ll start at the beginning...
WE MOVE TO THE ROOF OF THE DINER. DAVID DEBRIEFS THE TEAM.
DAVID
(In their earpieces.)
So when their colony got attacked, the refugees all got split up, they don’t know where. Maloo says there’s a small group of them being held in a building somewhere. She said it was a building with a picture of a disturbing man on it, that’s all she can give me.
CASPAR
A disturbing man on it?
GLORIA
How did she get out?
DAVID
The mystery men said to them that if they agreed to try and live peacefully in their society, they could go free. Maloo agreed because she thought if she got out of confinement she could try and find a way out, or a way to contact someone.
CASPAR
David, Lemonians are green amphibians, how come nobody is noticing that about her?
DAVID
She doesn’t know.
GLORIA
Okay, obviously the diner brought us here for the refugees, right? Fuck, even if it didn’t we’re getting the refugees out.
LEIF
“A building with a disturbing man on the front” isn’t much to go with.
GLORIA
We go with what we’ve got. I don’t know what’s going on with this weird Pleasantville planet we’re on, but let’s focus on the real stuff. We’ve got two problems: we need to get David and this girl out of jail and we need to find this secret prison they’re keeping the refugees in.
CASPAR
We’re doing double jailbreaks now?
GLORIA
No, we’ve got some weird army on our trail, so let’s not attract too much attention.
CASPAR
I can bail them out of jail.
GLORIA
No, I can bail them out of jail.
CASPAR
Gloria.
GLORIA
Caspar, have you ever bailed someone out of jail? I’ve bailed so many sous chefs out of jail that I’m basically a lawyer. I’ll handle jail, I need you to hit the streets and see if you can find a building with a disturbing man on it. Leif, lock up the front door and see if you can find out anything more about this planet.
LEIF
I’m going to try and find out if they’ve got satellites. If they have iPhones there’s got to be GPS. I’ll try and get a bird’s eye view.
GLORIA
Great. David, have you seen anyone using money?
DAVID
(In earpiece.)
Yeah, just looks like regular cash.
GLORIA
Good.
DAVID
Hey, is this going on my permanent record?
CASPAR
You bet your ass it’s going on your permanent record.
GLORIA
Be a dad later, Caspar. Go find the refugees. David, I’m coming to you.
DAVID
Bring Top Ramen. It’s like currency in here.
CASPAR
No prison jokes.
GLORIA
Everybody get to work, please?
IN THE POLICE PRECINCT. DAVID AND MALOO ARE HANDCUFFED TO A BENCH.
DAVID
So, assuming this works like Earth, we’ll be handcuffed to this bench for a few hours while everyone ignores us, then they’ll take us off to holding cells and wait for someone to bail us out.
MALOO
You’ve done this before?
DAVID
I had a bit of a misspent youth, yes... You know, you’re my first alien.
MALOO
What do you mean?
DAVID
I’ve never met someone from another planet before.
MALOO
Really?
DAVID
Yes. You don’t disappoint.
MALOO
What do you mean?
DAVID
I mean, look at you. You’re green, you’ve got webbed feet. Pretty cool. Caspar tells me you’re amphibious.
MALOO
Yes.
DAVID
So you can breathe underwater?
MALOO
Only when we’re babies. Then we learn to breathe air.
DAVID
So, your whole childhood is underwater?
MALOO
Yes. And we are yellow when we are born and then we turn green.
DAVID
That is fucking amazing, Maloo.
MALOO
It does not feel fucking amazing to me.
DAVID
Yeah, I guess not. What can humans do that you think is amazing?
MALOO
... Nothing.
DAVID
Ha! That checks out.
MALOO
We like your stories.
DAVID
Our stories?
MALOO
We like to watch your television stories.
DAVID
You watch TV from Earth?
MALOO
Yes.
DAVID
What’s your favorite one?
MALOO
The one where there is an island, and they are trying to get off?
DAVID
Lost?
MALOO
No. There is a big man and a small man and a smart man.
DAVID
Gilligan’s Island?
MALOO
Yes. I like it. It’s funny.
DAVID
So you’re skipping over prestige TV and just going straight for Gilligan’s island?
MALOO
They are from different places but they are all together. Like we were in the beginning.
DAVID
That’s when you met my dad.
MALOO
Yes. He saved us.
DAVID
... What was he like back then?
MALOO
He was mad about things all the time. He was like the big man on Gilligan’s Island.
DAVID
That sounds about right... Maloo what do you think all this is about? Why do they have you here? What is this place? Why does it look like Earth?
MALOO
I don’t know. They want us to be like them, to live like them.
DAVID
And you said “hell no,” and then threw a trash can at a cop car?
MALOO
I was desperate. I didn’t think you were coming. I made a plan. It was a bad plan.
DAVID
A plan, what was your plan?
MALOO
... I found a way out.
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF ONE OF THE MYSTERY MEN TELEPORTING INTO THE PRECINCT.
DAVID
I know that sound.
MALOO
David, listen to me... When he comes. You must pretend you don’t see him.
DAVID
What?
MALOO
I’m sorry, David.
DAVID
Maloo, what’s happening?
MALOO
Their weapons don’t kill you. They send you somewhere far away. I thought it was my only way out.
DAVID
... You became a problem so they’d come and eliminate you.
MALOO
... I didn’t think you would come. I lost faith.
DAVID
(Into his earpiece.)
Guys, we’ve got a problem. One of the Mystery Men is here at the precinct. We’re in trouble... guys?... Fuck.
MALOO
You have to look away when he comes. You have to be like the others, the others will not notice him.
DAVID
Why won’t they notice him?
MALOO
I don’t know.
DAVID
Okay, listen to me, I can tell you how to get out of those handcuffs-
MALOO
David, it doesn’t matter. They can be anywhere they want.
DAVID
We can’t just sit here.
MALOO
Tell them to take care of my family if they find them. Tell Libuza I am sorry. I stopped believing.
DAVID
Maloo-
MALOO
He’s here. You must be quiet.
WE HEAR THE HEAVY FOOTSTEPS OF A MYSTERY MAN COME AROUND THE CORNER OF THE PRECINCT HALL. NO ONE IN THE BUSY OFFICE NOTICES HIM. HE WALKS TO MALOO AND STANDS IN FRONT OF HER.
MALOO (CONT’D)
... We make the world.
THE MYSTERY MAN CHARGES UP HIS WEAPON AND FIRES. MALOO IS GONE. DAVID STRUGGLES TO STAY SILENT. THE MYSTERY MAN TELEPORTS AWAY.
GLORIA
(In earpiece.)
... David? David I’m trying to talk to you is your earpiece not working?... David?
DAVID
Gloria.
GLORIA
There you are. I’m almost there, okay.
DAVID
Gloria, something happened.
GLORIA
What?... What happened?... David, what happened?
WE MOVE TO CASPAR WALKING DOWN THE STREET.
CASPAR
Building with a disturbing man on it... building with a disturbing man on it... Pep Boys?
LEIF
(In earpiece.)
That’s three disturbing men.
CASPAR
Right... There’s a brew pub here. “Mr. Bad News,” it’s got a picture of a guy on it... Honestly he looks kind of affable... Michelin man?
LEIF
Pass.
CASPAR
(To people passing him on the street.)
Hey folks, just talking to myself on the street, trying to work it out, we’ve all been there... Leif it’s so disturbing that all of this is here.There’s People walking by me, they look totally human, How is there an exact copy of Earth?
LEIF
I’m up on the GPS now. It’s even more disturbing than that.
CASPAR
What do you mean?
LEIF
It’s not Earth.
CASPAR
We know that already.
LEIF
No, I mean... it’s like if Earth had completely different geography. There’s no Europe or anything it’s just... It’s like if Earth happened on a completely different planet. It’s an Earth-like planet but the map is totally different.
CASPAR
Why is that more disturbing?
LEIF
There’s no way an Earth-like planet could’ve developed to be exactly like Earth. They’ve got Starbucks, they’ve got iPhones. Looking down at this planet, this isn’t just one city.
There’s cities everywhere, just like Earth. This planet should be completely different from Earth but, it’s looking like everything that’s happened on Earth has happened here too. But it’s not Earth.
CASPAR
How is that possible?
LEIF
It had to be orchestrated somehow.
CASPAR
Like it’s all a front?
LEIF
You can’t set up an entire civilization as a facade. Why would you?
CASPAR
You also can’t orchestrate that a planet develops exactly like Earth, that’s impossible.
LEIF
I know, but here we are. I don’t like it.
CASPAR
I vote we get out of here as soon as possible.
LEIF
Agreed.
CASPAR
Okay, I’ve got a Kentucky Fried Chicken here. What do we think? Colonel Sanders? Disturbing, not disturbing?
LEIF
I don’t know if he’s disturbing but I could really use a Double Down right now.
CASPAR
I’m not taking orders Leif.
LEIF
I think it’s important that we find out if the double down on this fake Earth tastes the same as the real thing.
CASPAR
Leif, can you imagine the ass whooping we would get from Gloria If I walked in the door with a chicken bucket?
LEIF
We’re doing it for science.
CASPAR
Why are you making jokes right now, this isn’t joke time.
LEIF
I would just like to say: I know we’re in a precarious situation right now, but, we’re not in Pasadena.
CASPAR
Uh-huh.
LEIF
You’re about to go into a KFC looking for imprisoned alien refugees, I feel like I’m home again.
CASPAR
I’m glad someone’s enjoying themselves.
GLORIA
(In earpiece.)
Guys.
LEIF
What’s up?
GLORIA
Something’s happened...
WE MOVE TO A MEETING ROOM AT THE PRECINCT. DAVID WAITS. THE DOOR SWINGS OPEN AND GLORIA ENTERS.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
Hey. Act casual, I convinced them that I’m your lawyer... how are you doing?
DAVID
What the hell did I just witness?
GLORIA
You just had a very close call with danger, David.
DAVID
I turned off my earpiece, is he freaking out?
GLORIA
Oh yes. I turned mine off too. He’ll be okay.
DAVID
... She said getting shot by one of those things was a way out. What was she talking about?
GLORIA
Leif says that their weapons don’t kill, they place you in a random place in space and time.
DAVID
So she could still be alive.
GLORIA
... David, you came along with us as an adult so I’m going to treat you like one okay?
DAVID
I am an adult.
GLORIA
There are some adults that I don’t speak to like adults, one of them is your dad.... Every universe has a lot of crazy and wonderful and terrifying things in them. But every universe, despite all the things in it—it’s still mostly nothing. The chances of this girl ending up somewhere where she was safe... it’s almost zero... most likely she was teleported into the void of space somewhere.
DAVID
Who the fuck are these people? What is this place?
GLORIA
I don’t know, David. Whoever they are, they aren’t fucking around.
DAVID
He shot her right in front of me. Right in front of everybody and nobody did anything.
GLORIA
I know.
DAVID
Nobody even saw him.
GLORIA
David this place looks exactly like Earth but there’s something really fucked up going on.
DAVID
It’s like the suburbs.
GLORIA
The suburbs, what do you mean?
DAVID
There was this thing that happened in LA. Turned out all the surrounding cities were sweeping up the unhoused people and just dumping them in Skid Row downtown, like it was a landfill. Keeping the suburbs clean. They’ve got to be keeping them somewhere.
GLORIA
Jesus Christ. You know I spend so much time dealing with evil empires out here that I sometimes forget about my own back home.
DAVID
We’ve got to find them.
GLORIA
Caspar’s looking for them right now. He’s checking out a KFC at the moment.
DAVID
She said to take care of her family. She’s got family somewhere.
GLORIA
We’re going to do everything we can.
DAVID
... Is it always like this?
GLORIA
No... no, this is different. Your dad wasn’t exaggerating. He was right to freak out that you stowed away with us.
DAVID
I’m surprised he let me leave the diner.
GLORIA
Me too. But I think he was trying to respect your choices... Regardless, you’re in it now. Anything else you want to tell me before I try and bail you out?
DAVID
... I think it’s 2012.
GLORIA
2012?
DAVID
Yeah, we need to find something with a date on it.
GLORIA
Okay. Why 2012?
DAVID
That barista, her phone was an iPhone 5 I think. Niki Minaj’s first album came out around then, too. Also, that guy that tried to airdrop me a shirtless photo? Let’s just say that airdrop was an over-utilized function when it first came out and it was also around 2012.
GLORIA
Okay. Weird. Good work, David.
DAVID
What the hell does 2012 have to do with anything?
GLORIA
No clue. Look, your dad is freaking out, we’ve got to turn our earpieces back on.
DAVID
Oh, that was another thing, when that asshole was nearby I couldn’t hear you guys, my earpiece wouldn’t work.
GLORIA
Okay, well at least we’ll know when they’re coming...
GLORIA (CONT’D)
(Into earpiece.)
Caspar I’m giving you two minutes to yell. Go nuts.
WE MOVE TO THE ROOF. WE HEAR LEIF TYPING, RETRO HIP-HOP IN THE BACKGROUND, AND THE SOUND OF PETER MOVING.
CASPAR
(In earpiece.)
... I’d like someone to acknowledge that I was right and it was a terrible idea for him to come with us.
LEIF
He was looking down the barrel of a lifetime working for the city archives, Caspar. I can’t say that I blame him.
CASPAR
This is not the life of adventure that people think it is.
LEIF
Caspar, I totally respect you being freaked out right now, it sounds like it was a scary situation, but I’m sorry, man. This is exactly the life of adventure that people think it is.
CASPAR
They killed that girl right in front of him. He could’ve been killed, Leif.
LEIF
Put yourself in his shoes. How long did you work at the DMV?
CASPAR
What the hell does that have to do with anything?
LEIF
How long?
CASPAR
That’s all I really did, I started working there when I was 22.
LEIF
Okay, imagine yourself at, like, year seven of working at the DMV. You don’t have kids you’re not married. A magical diner appears right in front of you, what are you doing?
CASPAR
Shitting in my pants.
LEIF
Sure. How about after that? Are you walking back inside to take driver’s license photos? I think not, my friend.
CASPAR
Leif, I am hard wired to keep him away from danger.
LEIF
And to hear you tell it, it was that hard-wiring of yours that drove him out of the house in the first place.
CASPAR
...
LEIF
You can’t keep him down on the farm, man. This is the choice he’s made, he’s going to see some shit.
CASPAR
I really don’t like it when you make the “yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me” argument.
LEIF
Caspar, this place abducted you and you were forced to live here for over a century. Guess what? You’re better off because of it. Despite everything, are you honestly telling me that you’d like to go back to being the guy you were all those years ago? You’re better off. And in this humble pirate’s opinion? He will be too.
CASPAR
They killed her right in front of him.
LEIF
People die every day. You think nobody dies on Earth? The difference is that right now, he’s out there trying to do something about it. He wouldn’t be able to do that on Earth.
CASPAR
... What is that music?
LEIF
I’m teaching Peter to breakdance.
CASPAR
You’re teaching the robot to breakdance while I’m telling you about my problems?
LEIF
I’m also trying to hack into NORAD while you’re telling me about your problems. I can multitask.
CASPAR
... Oh shit...
LEIF
What?
CASPAR
Didn’t Gloria say something about it being 2012 on this planet?
LEIF
Yeah.
CASPAR
I fucking found it.
LEIF
The building with the disturbing man on it? What is it?
CASPAR
Romney for America local headquarters.
LEIF
... Holy magical underwear, Batman.
CASPAR
That’s got to be it, right?
LEIF
Is there a big ghoulish picture of Mitt Romney on it?
CASPAR
In all his Stepford Wives glory. Do you see me on the map?
LEIF
Yeah, you’re just a couple of blocks away.
CASPAR
Okay we need to come up with some sort of-
LEIF
... Caspar?... Caspar can you hear me?
NEAR THE DINER, WE HEAR THE SOUND OF ONE OF THE MYSTERY MEN ARRIVING.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Fuck... Peter, silent mode.
PETER STOPS DANCING.
LEIF (CONT’D)
(Whispering.)
If anyone can hear me, we’ve got a bogey at the diner... anyone?
MYSTERY MAN
The prime construct has arrived on Project 2012. Alert the nearest Vezna.
LEIF
Okay... Peter... what do you say we get to know our new friend?
WE MOVE TO CASPAR ON THE STREET.
CASPAR
... No, Gloria, I’m telling you I was talking to him and he just disappeared.
GLORIA
(In earpiece.)
Shit.
DAVID
(In earpiece.)
When one of those guys shows up, our earpieces go out.
CASPAR
Seriously?
DAVID
Yeah.
CASPAR
Shit, okay I’m not far. I’m going to head back to the diner. You guys just stay put okay?... Guys?... Guys... Oh shit.
ANOTHER MYSTERY MAN APPEARS ON THE SIDEWALK IN FRONT OF CASPAR.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
... Oh fuck...
THE MYSTERY MAN CHARGES UP HIS WEAPON AND IS ABOUT TO FIRE. THE SOUND OF THE CHARGING WEAPON IS REPLACED BY THE SHRIEK OF THE LAZER SAW. LEIF BRINGS THE LAZER SAW DOWN ON THE MYSTERY MAN. WE HEAR SCREAMING THROUGH HIS HELMET AND THE LAZER SAW CUTTING THROUGH METAL. THE MYSTERY MAN DROPS DEAD TO THE GROUND AND THE LAZER SAW SPINS DOWN.
LEIF
... Lazer saw.
GLORIA
Guys? Caspar are you okay?
LEIF
We’re okay, Gloria.
DAVID
What happened?
CASPAR
... I thought they had impenetrable shields?
LEIF
They do. Turns out they can’t have their shields up while they’re charging their weapon, it’s all the same power system. There’s another dead one back at the diner.
CASPAR
(Hyperventilating a little bit.)
Ohfuckjesuschristthatwassostressful.
GLORIA
So everyone’s okay?
CASPAR
JesuschristIthoughthewasgoingtoshootmewithhisthing.
LEIF
Gloria, one of them saw the diner. They know we’re here. We need to pick up the pace.
CASPAR
Veryclosetodeath.
DAVID
What about the refugees?
LEIF
We think we know where they are. Get this, it’s a Romney for America headquarters.
GLORIA
They even have a Mitt Romney here?
LEIF
I mean, of all the political candidates to be on another planet...
CASPAR
Oh right. Yeah. Because of the Mormon planet thing.
GLORIA
What are you talking about?
CASPAR
Isn’t that a Mormon thing? If they’re good Mormons they get their own planet when they die?
GLORIA
They do?
CASPAR
Wait... is this Mitt Romney’s planet?
GLORIA
His planet?
CASPAR
What if Mitt Romney has died and he’s been put in charge of this planet and now we’re under attack by space mormons?
GLORIA
What the fuck is wrong with you?
LEIF
I think Caspar’s a little delirious because he almost got killed by the time gun.
CASPAR
Ialmostgotkilledbythetimegun.
LEIF
We’re going to get these refugees out of the Romney headquarters and then we can hideout at the diner until it’s time to go.
GLORIA
Great, but we’re stuck at the precinct. This could take hours.
LEIF
I’ve got you covered. Sit tight and be ready to move, okay?
GLORIA
Great. Do I even want to know?
LEIF
It’s going to be fine. Turns out it is a double jailbreak day. Caspar?
CASPAR
Yeah?
LEIF
We’ve got to get into the Mitt Romney headquarters.
CASPAR
Right... right... There’s a local camera crew outside the headquarters.
LEIF
Yeah... you’re thinking Huell Howser?
CASPAR
That’s what I’m thinking.
LEIF
That’s not bad. I’ll go steal a camera.
DAVID
(In earpiece.)
You can’t be serious.
WE SWITCH BACK TO THE PRECINCT.
GLORIA
Who is Huell Howser?
DAVID
I can’t believe this is happening.
GLORIA
Is this another one of your crazy plans?
CASPAR
(In earpiece.)
Let me just pull one of my responsible plans out of my back pocket.
GLORIA
David, what is about to happen?
DAVID
I’m guessing you didn’t grow up watching California public television.
GLORIA
No, of course I didn’t.
DAVID
I can’t believe I’m 820,000 light years from Earth and I still cannot escape this nonsense.
LEIF
(In earpiece.)
Okay, I’ve got the camera, let’s roll.
WE HEAR THE DOOR OPEN.
CASPAR
(Doing an impression of Southern California Public Television Legend, Huell Howser.)
Alright now we’re inside! Well, look at this place hello there, what’s your name?
CHARLOTTE
Who are you?
CASPAR
Louis, get a shot of this person here. We are inside an actual presidential campaign headquarters, isn’t that right?
CHARLOTTE
Uh, yes.
CASPAR
What’s your name?
CHARLOTTE
Charlotte?
CASPAR
Hey there, Charlotte. Louis, get a shot of Charlotte over here in an actual campaign office, So what goes on here?
CHARLOTTE
We’re... running a campaign for president?
CASPAR
That is really something and how’s it been going?
CHARLOTTE
Fine?
CASPAR
Look at all this back here. Louis, we’ve got all sorts of people on all sorts of phones now, don’t we?
CHARLOTTE
Excuse me?
CASPAR
Charlotte, what’s your last name?
CHARLOTTE
I’m Charlotte Tobiah, I’m a volunteer organizer.
CASPAR
Charlotte I’m looking around here and I’m seeing all sorts of activity. I’m see people mailing things, I’m seeing people on phones. How do you keep your head screwed on straight around here?
CHARLOTTE
I’m sorry, what is this for?
CASPAR
And what’s this over here? Louis, get a shot of this over here. That there is a picture of a man in a real big hat.
CHARLOTTE
This is our candidate with a local business owner.
CASPAR
A local business owner, that is really something. What does he do?
CHARLOTTE
I believe he’s the Donut King?
GLORIA
What is he doing?
CASPAR
The Donut King, Louis, can you believe that?
DAVID
Huell Howser.
CASPAR
He’s got himself a hat instead of a crown doesn’t he?
DAVID
He was this public television guy. He loved to do this impression when he picked me up from school.
CASPAR
And here we’ve got what looks like a cardboard cutout of the candidate himself don’t we?
DAVID
I can’t believe this was his plan.
GLORIA
I can.
CASPAR
Charlotte, be honest with me. Do you ever stand next to this cardboard cutout and see if you’re taller than him? Louis, I’m standing next to him right now, how do I measure up?
CHARLOTTE
Ok, can you please tell me what this is for?
CASPAR
Charlotte, tell me more about what you’re doing here. What is your life like: are you just working day and night?
WE HEAR A DOOR CLOSE THROUGH THE EARPIECE.
LEIF
Okay, I’m in.
GLORIA
You’re in? Who’s holding the camera?
LEIF
Trust me, he can keep them going for a half hour, they’re not going to notice I’m gone.
DAVID
Where are you?
LEIF
Looks like I’m in a storage room... If I were a secret refugee prison where would I be?... That transformer box is in the wrong place...
WE HEAR A DOOR SLIDE OPEN.
LEIF (CONT’D) Bingo...
WE HEAR LEIF WALKING DOWN SOME STAIRS.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Ominous stairway going down. Sure.
GLORIA
Leif be careful, there could be more of them down there.
LEIF
Either that or I already killed them...
WE HEAR THE HUM OF AN ENERGY FIELD.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Shit.
DAVID
What?
LEIF
They’re here.
GLORIA
The refugees?
LEIF
Yeah. They’re in some sort of energy field. May take me a minute to find the off switch.
GLORIA
How many are there?
LEIF
Looks like about twenty. Jesus, they look fucking terrified.
GLORIA
Get them out of there, Leif.
LEIF
I will. Time for you guys to get out of there.
GLORIA
Yeah, what is your plan for that again?
OUTSIDE GLORIA AND DAVID’S ROOM, WE HEAR PETER RUN BY.
DAVID
Seriously?
GLORIA
You sent Peter to break us out of prison?
LEIF
Hey, everyone’s doing their part today. Get ready, I’m testing out his jailbreak mode. Get it? Jailbreak mode?
WE HEAR PETER’S LASER AND THE DOOR SWING OPEN.
GLORIA
Hello, Peter.
WE HEAR A COP DOWN THE HALL.
COP
Hey, what the hell is that thing?
WE HEAR PETER FIRE HIS LASER AT THE COP.
COP (CONT’D)
OW! Holy shit!
PETER TAKES OFF RUNNING AFTER THE COP, FIRING HIS LASER.
COP (CONT’D)
Jesus Christ it’s a fucking killer robot!
DAVID
... Let’s go, I guess?
BACK AT THE CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS.
CASPAR
Charlotte, do you just love every second of your job? It must be so exciting.
CHARLOTTE
Uh, yeah, it really is, I get to meet a lot of really great people, there’s always something to do—um, where is your camera man?
LEIF
Right here, Huell, just getting some b-roll.
CASPAR
There he is. Louis, do we have everything we need?
LEIF
We could use some shots of the campaign bus.
CASPAR
Charlotte, we would love to get to see that wonderful campaign bus of yours—it looks so luxurious.
CHARLOTTE
Um, yeah, sure.
CASPAR
I think that would just be a fascinating thing to see. Could you lead the way?
CHARLOTTE
Right this way.
CASPAR
(To Leif.)
What are we doing?
LEIF
Stealing Mitt Romney’s campaign bus.
CASPAR
Sure.
WE GO BACK TO THE POLICE PRECINCT AND IT IS PURE CHAOS. PETER IS IN A LASER/GUN FIGHT WITH THE POLICE.
GLORIA
Peter! I feel like this is not the best way to get us out of jail!
DAVID
Couldn’t we have looked for a back door or something!
GLORIA
Can we... EVERYBODY HOLD THEIR FIRE!
THE SHOOTING STOPS.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
Okay... I’m coming out slowly... Hello officers... My name is Gloria and this is my robot, Peter. We’re not here to hurt anyone... though, I see that several of you have, in fact, been hurt. Sorry about that. There’s no need for any more shooting. We’re going to walk out the door and you’ll never see us again. I highly suggest nobody reach for their weapon.
PETER SHOOTS A SHORT LASER BEAM AT ONE OF THE POLICE. THE OFFICER YELPS IN PAIN.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
Officer. What did I just say?
DAVID
Let’s go!
GLORIA
Okay, thank you for your service, everyone. Also please go get another job!
GLORIA AND DAVID RUN OUT THE FRONT DOOR ONTO THE STREET.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
Head back to the diner!
ANOTHER MYSTERY MAN DROPS DROPS DOWN ONTO THE STREET RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
Oh fuck.
THE MYSTERY MAN BEGINS TO CHARGE HIS WEAPON. WE SUDDENLY HEAR HONKING. MITT ROMNEY’S CAMPAIGN BUS COMES FROM OUT OF NOWHERE, RUNNING OVER THE MYSTERY MAN. IT’S A BIT GRUESOME.
GLORIA (CONT’D) Whoa!
DAVID
Holy shit!
THE CAMPAIGN BUS COMES TO A STOP. THE DOOR OPENS.
LEIF
Three for three, baybee!
GLORIA
You stole Mitt Romney’s campaign bus?
CASPAR
Gloria, come on, it’s a Republican bus full of refugees. Drink in the irony.
DAVID
Let’s go!
DAVID, GLORIA, AND PETER CLIMB ABOARD.
GLORIA
Okay, drive.
LEIF PULLS THE BUS AWAY FROM THE CURB.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
Holy shit. Hello, everyone. Is this all of them?
CASPAR
Not even close. This is twenty, we had over a hundred when they first climbed aboard the diner.
GLORIA
Do they speak English?
CASPAR
Most of them, yeah.
GLORIA
Okay. Everyone. Sit tight, we’re going to be at the diner in a few minutes, we’re going to get you out of here.
THE REFUGEES START APPLAUDING.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
Everyone, please, hold your applause until after the performance. Guys, up here.
THEY HUDDLE UP AT THE FRONT OF THE BUS.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
What the fuck is going on on this planet?
LEIF
No clue.
DAVID
It’s fucked up, whatever it is.
CASPAR
Anyone feel like we’re in a human zoo? Like they’ve done their best to fake our natural environment?
LEIF
It goes way beyond that. This isn’t a fake town that they use to condition people or something, this is a whole planet, orchestrated to look just like Earth specifically in 2012.
CASPAR
Are we sure the whole planet is like this?
LEIF
I think so. I had a look at global satellite data.
GLORIA
Why 2012?
LEIF
I don’t think that’s the question. I think the question is, whoever they are, how did they manage to do it?
CASPAR
Fuck if I know.
DAVID
All I know is that we’re leaving.
CASPAR
Leif there’s a couple of scared kids back here, can I show them Peter?
LEIF
Yeah, sure.
THEY SPPED DOWN THE STREET FOR A MOMENT.
GLORIA
... Look at all these people walking down the street. They all just think this is Earth... and this isn’t a simulation?
LEIF
No, this is all real.
GLORIA
None of them could see Maloo... What are they doing to all these people?
LEIF
I don’t know, Gloria.
GLORIA
... Stop here.
LEIF
At the Starbucks?
GLORIA
Stop here!
LEIF
Okay.
THE BUS COMES TO A HALT.
LEIF (CONT’D)
We’re in a stolen campaign bus. We just broke you out of jail. I don’t know how many more mystery men are out there.
GLORIA
Two minutes.
THE BUS DOOR OPENS, GLORIA CROSSES THE STREET TO THE STARBUCKS AND WALKS INSIDE.
FIONA
Hey there. You’re just in time, I was about to close up. What can I get you?
GLORIA
Just a black coffee.
FIONA
Bless you. I had already started cleaning the espresso machine.
GLORIA
I figured. Big plans tonight?
FIONA
My friends and I are going to a concert.
GLORIA
Fun.
FIONA
Yeah. You know, I did something crazy today, I invited a random guy that walked into the shop.
GLORIA
Really?
FIONA
Yeah, I don’t know what came over me, I never do stuff like that. He hasn’t texted me so, whatever. I’m kind of relieved, because if he did show up then I’d have to try and be attractive all night and I’m just not feeling it today.
GLORIA
I know what you mean.
FIONA
Cream and sugar are over there.
GLORIA
Thanks... election year again, huh?
FIONA
Yeah. Seems like it gets longer every year.
GLORIA
Yeah... was it happening last year?
FIONA
What?
GLORIA
Election season, was it happening last year?
FIONA
Um, yeah, seems like it.
GLORIA
... What about the yeah before that?
FIONA
What?
GLORIA
The year before that, was it an election year then too?
FIONA
I mean, like I said-
GLORIA
What about when you were in high school?
FIONA
...
GLORIA
What’s your name?
FIONA
... Fiona.
GLORIA
Fiona, has Mitt Romney always been running for president? For as long as you can remember?
FIONA
...
GLORIA
Has it always been 2012?
FIONA
...
GLORIA
...
FIONA
(As if she’s trying to speak, but the words won’t come out.)
I... I... I-
GLORIA
You know what? It’s alright. Thanks for the coffee, Fiona.
FIONA
Oh... yeah... Yeah no problem.
GLORIA
Are you okay?
FIONA
Yeah, I just got a really bad headache all of a sudden.
GLORIA
Try drinking some water. Whenever I get a headache it’s because I’m not drinking enough water.
FIONA
Yeah, good idea.
GLORIA
Enjoy the concert.
FIONA
Yeah, thanks...
GLORIA WALKS OUT THE DOOR, CROSSES THE STREET AND GETS INTO THE BUS.
LEIF
What’s up?
GLORIA
...
LEIF
Gloria?
GLORIA
... That thing you have that shocks people, do you have it on you?
LEIF
The secret handshake?
GLORIA
Yes.
LEIF
Yeah, I always have it on me.
GLORIA
...
LEIF
... Gloria?
GLORIA
Go get me the Barista.
LEIF
What?
GLORIA
Go get me the barista.
LEIF
... We’re taking hostages now?
GLORIA
Everyone on this planet is a hostage. Go get me the barista.
LEIF
Shit. Alright. Hardcore. Let’s do this.
THE DOOR TO THE BUS OPENS AND LEIF EXITS. CASPAR WALKS TO THE FRONT.
CASPAR
Gloria, we need to get moving, what’s the holdup?
GLORIA
Get in the drivers seat, you’re driving back to the diner.
CASPAR
I don’t know how to drive this thing.
GLORIA
You don’t need to pass a driver’s test, get in the seat.
CASPAR
Okay.
CASPAR GETS IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
... I could’ve been a bus driver, right? One of the nice ones, the one who chats you up on the way to work, right? Huge thermos of coffee, beat up copy of Breakfast of Champions.
GLORIA
Sure, Caspar.
CASPAR
... Is Leif taking coffee orders because I’m sitting here, nobody’s taken my order, a latte would be nice.
GLORIA
Shh.
CASPAR
... Gloria?
GLORIA
Don’t worry about it.
CASPAR
Why is Leif carrying an unconscious woman?
THE BUS DOOR OPENS, LEIF WALKS IN CARRYING FIONA.
LEIF
Someone order a barista?
GLORIA
Caspar, drive!
CASPAR
Holy shit.
THE BUS SPEEDS AWAY. LATER AT THE DINER. LEIF KEEPS WATCH ON THE ROOF. GLORIA EXITS INTO THE PARKING LOT.
GLORIA
Anything, Leif?
LEIF
All’s quiet. I’m assuming the three we met were the ones in charge of the refugees. Definitely more on the way though. That one that Peter lazered was about where you’re standing. I guess the body got teleported away. Really wanted a look at that tech.
GLORIA
Any way you can see them coming?
LEIF
I don’t know. That’s a tough one. These guys are lightyears ahead of the Teds. I don’t even know how their tech works yet, I just know what it does. How are things down there?
GLORIA
We’re getting the refugees situated. I think they’re going to be pretty on edge until we take off, which is when?
LEIF
Just a few minutes.
GLORIA
The diner’s going to take us to all the refugees.
LEIF
I think you’re right.
GLORIA
We’re getting them all, Leif.
LEIF
I know... And what about the unconscious barista in the walk-in?
GLORIA
I’m working on it.
LEIF
Okay.
GLORIA WALKS INSIDE. CASPAR IS TALKING TO THE REFUGEES.
CASPAR
... Regardless, it’s great to see all your faces again. Brings back a lot of memories... I’m sorry we couldn’t save Maloo. She was just trying to find a way out to get help... The rest of her family isn’t here, I see. But we’re...
GLORIA
We’re going to find them. We’re going to find all of them.
CASPAR
Everyone, this is Gloria. She runs the place now. I think you all probably remember what a bad job I was doing of running the place, I was glad when she showed up.
GLORIA
Hi, everyone. We’re going to get underway any minute now. We’ve got plenty of room, so spread out, grab a booth—just not that one over there. These next few days are going to be tough, but I imagine you’re used that by now... Everyone here understands what it’s like to not have a place in the world. So, while you’re here, it may not be home, but it’ll be the next best thing until we get you where you need to go. Until then, the good news is that Caspar’s not going to be cooking anymore.
THE GROUP OF REFUGEES LAUGHS A LITTLE.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
Right? You remember how it was. Lots of white bread and bologna with mayonnaise, right? Okay, everyone get comfortable, it’s enchilada time.
CASPAR WALKS OUT INTO THE PARKING LOT.
CASPAR
Hey.
DAVID
Hey.
CASPAR
You doing okay?
DAVID
Yeah...
CASPAR
...
DAVID
... I cannot believe you rolled out that goddamn Huell Howser impression.
CASPAR
Hey, Huell’s gotten us out of a lot of jams, David. I stand by it. There’s something about his personality, you just want to let him in... You know who else has come in handy a couple of times?
DAVID
... No.
CASPAR
Oh, yes.
DAVID
Julius Bohannon.
CASPAR
Of the the Shreveport Bohannons.
DAVID
No.
CASPAR
Some have called me a ne’er do well riverboat gambler but I stand before my creator to say that I am but a simple country lawyer.
DAVID
Leif can make laser robots, Gloria runs the kitchen, Ava’s a genius and then...
CASPAR
And then... It’s funny, all of the useless shit that I was was able to do on Earth, those stupid things that had no purpose whatsoever, they all eventually come in handy out here. So there’s that...
DAVID
...
CASPAR
... I’m sorry about Maloo.
DAVID
... Did you know her?
CASPAR
No, not really. I just recognized her voice because she was always yelling at her little brother.
Her little brother would always take salt and pepper shakers and ketchup bottles and napkin holders and make a model of the house he was going to live in when they got to their planet...
DAVID
She talked about you like you were their savior.
CASPAR
David, this place means a lot to a lot of people but I never meant for it to mean anything to anybody. I was just trying to stay alive. I went from processing people’s application for a license plate for their boat... to this. I never feel good enough for it. I never feel like it was supposed to be me.
DAVID
I know you’re mad that I snuck aboard.
CASPAR
David, there is a very strong part of me that wants you to wrap yourself in bubble wrap and be a librarian, of course I’m mad... But I’m glad you’re here... I’m glad you chose to be here. I’m glad you’re the kind of person who makes choices. I’m glad that you’re bold about it. I also hate every single bit of it... Okay?
DAVID
Okay... Why did we steal a barista?
CASPAR
Yeah... yeah, I don’t think Gloria even knows yet. In situations like this she acts a little impulsively. Like the last time we went to war with an intergalactic empire. I would love to say that hostages are a new thing but, there was this guy Ted one time... I’ll tell you about it later- OW!
DAVID
What?
AVA
(In Caspar’s head.)
Hey Schmoopie. How’re you doing? Did I get captured by the bad guys in the off chance that I’d be able to talk directly into your head like this?... Maybe.
DAVID
What’s happening?
CASPAR
It’s Ava.
AVA
Hope you guys haven’t been murdered! The bad guys tried to imprison us but guess who got Mucklewain’d? We have one of their ships now.
TETA
(In Caspar’s head.)
Hey, give me the phone... hey Caspar. Quick question, How’s being a gigantic douche working out for you?
AVA
Anyway, we’ve got the diner signal up on the navigation thingee and we’re heading in your direction. Now, listen, I know that these few hours away from me have been very difficult for you, dummy, but don’t worry. Very soon now we can get back to our usual routine of me ignoring you and you bringing me things. Get excited! Okay, going through a wormhole, bye!
LEIF
Caspar, what’s going on?
CASPAR
Ava’s talking into my head now.
LEIF
Really?
CASPAR
Yeah.
LEIF
I bet you must love that.
CASPAR
Yeah. They found the sisters. They stole a ship and they’re meeting us at our next stop.
LEIF
Cool.
CASPAR
I gotta go tell Gloria.
CASPAR WALKS INSIDE.
LEIF
He does actually love that.
DAVID
Oh, I know.
THREE OF THE MYSTERY MEN SUDDENLY TELEPORT OUTSIDE THE PARKING LOT.
DAVID (CONT’D) Leif!
LEIF
We’re okay! Five seconds!
DAVID
Are you sure?!
LEIF
Yeah!
DAVID
(To the mystery men.)
... Your move, Bitch.
THERE IS A CRACK IN THE AIR AND THE DINER IS TRAVELING.
LEIF
Nice.
DAVID
This is a good job.
LEIF
Right?
THE END.