Chapter 36: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
THE ROOF OF THE DINER. SEVERAL BLOCKS AWAY WE CAN HEAR THE MUNGO LUMBERING THROUGH THE STREETS OF PASADENA. OCCASIONALLY ONE OF LEIF’S DRONES FLIES BY.
GLORIA
Hey.
DAVID
Hey.
GLORIA
How are things up here?
DAVID
... The huge monster has moved into downtown Pasadena and is eating the tops of all the palm trees.
GLORIA
Yeah. They eat all day, that’s all they really do.
DAVID
Probably for the best. Palm trees aren’t native to this area anyway.
GLORIA
Really?
DAVID
They planted most of them in the 1930s. It was a jobs program during the great depression.
GLORIA
That’s interesting.
DAVID
... There’s a lot of things not native to the area around here.
GLORIA
... Yeah... David, what was he supposed to say?
DAVID
I don’t know, what do you usually say to people?
GLORIA
We try and keep a low profile as long as we can, but then eventually things get so weird that we have to let the cat out of the bag... just like Caspar did with you.
DAVID
... What is all this stuff?
GLORIA
Leif lives up here. He sleeps in that hammock and this is his workshop. He calls it the command center.
DAVID
What does he do with all this?
GLORIA
I’ve seen him do some pretty amazing stuff, actually. See this here? This is a, let me see if I get this right, a laser interferometer. You use it to detect gravity waves. They have them here on Earth but on Earth they’re about four kilometers long. Leif’s is the size of a toaster.
DAVID
Why would you need to detect gravity waves?
GLORIA
Um. We were trying to track down an out of control space goddess.
DAVID
... Uh huh... Why?
GLORIA
I’m not sure why they needed it. Ava tells him to build something and he builds it.
DAVID
I mean, what’s he doing here? What are any of you doing here?
GLORIA
The same thing as anyone else, David, we’re doing the best we can.
DAVID
You left everyone in your life behind.
GLORIA
... It was different with each of us. Leif was on the run, Ava was on a mission. For me, my parents were gone, the only real friends I had were Cesar and his family, but, I was kind of the weird lady who came over to the house every once and a while. The kids would show you how their video games worked, the tiny ones would want you to read a story. It was nice but you’re on the outside of it. Kind of a third wheel. All my other friends...
I started to not understand them when they talked. They would talk about dating apps, and getting married, and moving up in their career at, I don’t know, a shipping warehouse?... It was all getting really foreign to me really fast... And then there was this place... I’ll admit, I thought I was just going to see some cool stuff and meet some aliens... But I’ve had to fight an evil empire and slay a space goddess among other things... But, somehow that’s not foreign to me. I understand it...
DAVID
How could that not be foreign to you?
GLORIA
Inside you right now there is the purest part of you, the essence of who you are. When you’re in touch with that part of you, when you’re using it, you can feel it. I hadn’t felt that before. I think if you’re lucky enough to feel that, you should stick with it, no matter what... But your dad... your dad just came in to use the phone.
DAVID
... How do you know what this gigantic monster is?
GLORIA
Well, it’s not a monster, David, it’s just a really really big guy. They’re harmless for the most part but if they get injured they can get a little rambunctious. When we first saw one, there was a village nearby and one of them had a wound on its back so we had to help out before it trampled the village.
DAVID
Help out how?
GLORIA
We managed to get up on it’s back and we put honey on the wound.
DAVID
Honey?
GLORIA
It’s nature’s antiseptic, David.
DAVID
Jesus fucking Christ.
GLORIA
It was a light day, I cooked for the whole village afterwards... It was kind of normal. Just a wounded animal. See, it’s not that bizarre.
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF RUSHING WATER DOWN BELOW.
DAVID
What is happening down on the street?
GLORIA
Um... okay, it looks like the street has become a river?
DAVID
A river.
GLORIA
Yes.
DAVID
Why?
GLORIA
(Calling down below.)
Is the street a river?
AVA
(In the parking lot.)
The street is a river.
GLORIA
Okay. The street is a river.
DAVID
Why is the street a river?
GLORIA
This is a new thing. Ava’s theory is that, because we’ve been stuck like this for several months that this particular universe is having a little temper tantrum.
DAVID
What is happening!?
GLORIA
I know.
DAVID
The street is a river, Gloria!
GLORIA
Yes.
DAVID
There’s a four-story monster threatening the Pasadena Playhouse!
GLORIA
This is good, let it out.
DAVID
In the span of fifteen minutes the whole damn world has gone on tilt!
GLORIA
Right.
DAVID
And the government’s here!?
GLORIA
It happens sometimes.
DAVID
And Leif has a robot helper?!
GLORIA
Peter.
DAVID
I don’t care what its name is!
GLORIA
Okay.
DAVID
What the fuck?!
GLORIA
I know...
DAVID
...
GLORIA
... Okay... Take your time. Don’t freak out. I mean, freak out. That’s fine, but... What’s the real thing that’s going on? The real thing is... something happened to your dad. And ever since then he’s been doing the best he can. Sometimes failing, sometimes succeeding. That’s all he was trying to do with you... Just stay up here, okay? Right now I have to go downstairs and somehow prevent a war between Leif and the United States Government.
DOWN IN THE PARKING LOT. A RIVER IS RUSHING BY CAUSING CHAOS AMONG THE TEAM OF GOVERNMENT AGENTS SURROUNDING THE BUILDING.
LEIF
Agent Parrino, how’re you doing over there? Looks like the street is a river now, did you bring your trunks?
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
What the fuck is this Leif? Where is this water coming from and what the fuck is that monster?
LEIF
Hey, easy with the “M” word there, buddy. The Mungo isn’t a monster, it’s just a plant eating megafauna going about its day. I’m sure you look like a monster to it.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Oh, really?!
LEIF
No, not really. In fact it probably doesn’t notice you at all.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
I don’t know what all this is, Leif, but I know you’ve got something to do with it!
LEIF
Hey, I’m an impressive guy, but I can’t suddenly make a river appear.
CASPAR
Actually, uh-
LEIF
Right, okay, yes, I did do that once, I did flood a city to rob a bank but that was a long time ago, I don’t do that sort of thing anymore.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
What?
GLORIA
Leif.
LEIF
Hey.
GLORIA
A word.
LEIF
What’s up?
GLORIA
“What’s up?”
LEIF
... Look, I didn’t have a choice.
GLORIA
Leif, considering our current situation, maybe just giving him the robot would’ve been the best choice.
LEIF
I’m not giving him the robot.
GLORIA
You can make another robot.
LEIF
Do you have any idea what they were going to use him for?
GLORIA
Leif, the last time we faced off with the government we had the benefit of knowing we’d be gone in twelve hours. We don’t have that benefit anymore.
LEIF
I can get us out of this.
GLORIA
How?
LEIF
I don’t know, I just need some time.
GLORIA
Leif, the world is literally unravelling and you’ve decided to add “grudge match with the US government” to the top of the sundae.
LEIF
Hey, at least you’re not arguing with food vendors anymore.
CASPAR
Gloria. How’s he doing?
GLORIA
He’s doing okay. He’s freaked out. He’s not sure what to make of most of it.
CASPAR
Okay, but he’s not going catatonic or anything?
GLORIA
No. I think he just needs some space.
EFFIE
Gloria, put us in his vicinity, I want to talk at him for a bit.
GLORIA
Some space, Mucklewains.
AVA
The river’s gone.
GLORIA
Ava, how much worse is this going to get?
AVA
I don’t know, I’m trying to see if it’s on a schedule.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Your attempt to wash us away didn’t work, Leif. We’re still here!
LEIF
I’m not doing anything, Agent Jackass.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Yeah, right, you really expect me to believe that?
LEIF
I don’t care what you believe.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
We’re still doing this the easy way, Leif. You want me to bring out the big guns? It’s all fun and games until we bring out the vomit cannon.
LEIF
Go fuck yourself.
CASPAR
Vomit cannon?
LEIF
They’ve got a cannon that can induce vomiting in a large group of people.
CASPAR
Why would someone make that?
LEIF
I don’t know, hey, Agent Patrick Bateman, why would someone make a vomit cannon?
Could it be because your entire agency is full of kids who couldn’t stop torturing their action figures?
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
This phone right here, Leif. I make one call and everyone’s going to start barfing like the fountain at the goddamn Bellagio!
LEIF
Mucklewains.
STATIC. EFFIE ZAPS HERSELF INTO AGENT PARRINO’S PHONE.
EFFIE
(Talking through Agent Parrino’s phone.)
Oh? Is that right? Are you talking about this particular telephonic whizz-bang?
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
What the fuck?
EFFIE
You poked a bear, Mr. US Government!
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
OW!
AGENT PARRINO DROPS HIS PHONE. STATIC. EFFIE IS BACK IN THE RADIO.
ZEBULON
You’re getting very good at that, Dear.
EFFIE
Thanks, husband, I think I set his phone on fire.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Why is my phone on fire, Leif?
LEIF
You were ankle deep in a river a second ago, you’re asking about your phone?
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Somebody get me another phone!
LEIF
Do you want to borrow mine?
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Very funny.
LEIF
Just step inside the parking lot, I’ll hand it to you.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
I’m not going anywhere near you until you call off your flying monkeys.
LEIF
It’s a great phone, though. Nokia 9300.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
No.
LEIF
It’ll erase all your public records as soon as you touch it but it’s a great phone.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Oh, I see. You think you can out-crazy me? Is that it? You really think you can get weirder than DARPA?
AVA
4, 3, 2, 1...
A BRAZILIAN CARNIVAL PARADE BEGINS TO CAREEN DOWN THE STREET WITH PEOPLE DANCING AND MUSIC PLAYING.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
What the... What the fuck is this?
LEIF
Looks like a Brazilian Carnival Parade. How’s your samba Agent Parrino?
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
How the fuck are you doing this?
LEIF
What can I say? The party follows me wherever I go.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Somebody get me a phone!!
GLORIA
That’s how we do it.
CASPAR
How we do what?
GLORIA
Ava, are these things on a regular schedule?
AVA
Yeah, I think so.
GLORIA
Leif, get over here.
LEIF
C’mon, Agent, move to the music.
GLORIA
Leif!
LEIF
What? What is it?
GLORIA
Ava says the weirdness is on a predictable schedule.
LEIF
Okay.
GLORIA
How can we make it worse?
AVA
...Worse?
GLORIA
Yes.
CASPAR
Why in the world would we want to make it worse?
GLORIA
Can we make it worse?
LEIF
I mean. I don’t know.
AVA
Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea, but why would we do that?
CASPAR
Yes, why would we do that?
ZEBULON
Oh, I think I know where she’s headed with this one.
EFFIE
Do tell.
ZEBULON
Gloria wants to see who can stay on the horse the longest.
GLORIA
That’s right. I don’t know where we end up with all this but I know we need the G-men out there off our back. The only thing we’ve got going for us right now is our ability to tolerate the most bizarre shit imaginable. I want the two of you to figure out a way to crank up the crazy around here. Seriously. Like, make it fucking nuts.
LEIF
We can’t just crank the knobs on the universe like it’s jacuzzi jets.
AVA
No, no, wait. I actually have some ideas, Leif come on!
LEIF
Jesus. Get ready everybody.
LEIF AND AVA WALK BACK INTO THE DINER, DAVID EXITS.
CASPAR
Hey, David how’re you doing?
DAVID
What the fuck is that?
CASPAR
That’s uh... well that’s, that’s Brazilian Carnival is what that is.
DAVID
Why?
CASPAR
“Why” is going to be a tough question around here for a minute.
DAVID WALKS BACK INSIDE.
CASPAR (CONT’D) David-
GLORIA
Just give him some time.
CASPAR
This is a fucking nightmare. You want to make this worse?
GLORIA
Caspar, if we get thrown in a government black site, you’re never going to see him again.
CASPAR
Fucking goddamnit, Gloria.
GLORIA
I know, Caspar.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Leif? Leif, where are you going, we’re not done talking!
GLORIA
Come on, let’s go talk to this guy.
CASPAR
Okay.
GLORIA
Leif’s got some things to do, you’re going to have to talk to me for now.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Who the fuck are you?
GLORIA
I’m fucking Gloria who the fuck are you?
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Bring Leif back out here, this has gone on long enough.
GLORIA
Look, I’m going to give you one warning.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Oh? A warning? Listen, whoever you are, I’m not interested in making a reservation at your little restaurant, okay? There’s very important things going on right now, if you haven’t noticed.
GLORIA
You and your team need to get out of here right now.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Oh? We do? What are you going to do, Gloria? Spit in our food? Bring it out!
THE AGENTS BEGIN WHEELING OUT THE B.A.R.F. CANNON.
CASPAR
Oh Jesus, is that what I think it is?
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
I hope everybody in there enjoyed their lunch because they’re about to see it again.
UP ON THE ROOF.
LEIF
I’m dying to know how you plan to pull off this plan.
AVA
Okay, it’s a little nutty-fruitcakes but keep in mind I’ve been up for almost forty-eight hours now.
LEIF
I can’t wait.
AVA
You said the diner has a pre-print right? A particular energy signature that shows up a few days before the diner?
LEIF
Yeah.
AVA
Any way you can broadcast that particular energy cocktail?
LEIF
Uh, I think so? But it wouldn’t be exact and it wouldn’t be near the intensity that the diner sends out.
AVA
That’s okay. I don’t need you to feed the sharks. I just need you to chum the water.
LEIF
Sharks, Ava?
AVA
Sharks, Leif.
CASPAR
(In the parking lot.)
Leif!
LEIF
What?
CASPAR
I think they’re bringing out the puke gun.
LEIF
Jesus Christ. You’re a sick fuck, Kyle.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A. (In the street.) Fuck you, Leif!
LEIF GETS TO WORK AT THE COMMAND CENTER.
AVA
Does that thing actually work?
LEIF
It works. He’s just not telling us that it takes an hour to warm up, we’ve got time.
AVA
Okay. Of course the scientist in me wants to see it work. Does it really make everyone vomit?
LEIF
Oh yeah. These guys are the worst. They’ve all got framed pictures of Dr. Moreau in their offices. Okay, let’s see, pretending we’re the diner... a little bit of gamma, some UV, and pinch of synchrotron...
AN EMITTER BEGINS TO SPIN UP IN THE COMMAND CENTER.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Okay, there we go. It’s not perfect but it’s in the neighborhood. We are broadcasting kind of like the diner. What’s this supposed to do?
AVA
We’re acting like we’re open for business.
LEIF
Okay? I don’t see how that’s going to do anything.
WE BEGIN TO HEAR AN IMMINENT RUMBLING.
LEIF (CONT’D)
What is that sound?
AVA
Ooooooh boy.
THE “RIVER” ON COLORADO BOULEVARD COMES BACK WITH A VENGEANCE. IT IS NOW HUGE FLASH FLOOD HEADED RIGHT FOR THE FEDERAL AGENTS.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A. Oh SHIIIIIIIIIT!
THE RAGING RIVER RISES UP AND WASHES AWAY THE FEDERAL AGENTS.
LEIF
The river came back!
AVA
Sharks!
LEIF
Let’s get down there.
IN THE PARKING LOT. THE RIVER IS RAGING.
CASPAR
The river is... back.
GLORIA
Uh huh.
CASPAR
The federal agents are... gone.
GLORIA
I think I need to be more careful about the things I tell Ava to do.
CASPAR
Might be wise.
ZEBULON
Shall we wait here patiently for the other nine plagues?
DOOR CHIME.
AVA
I’m calling that a success.
CASPAR
What the fuck did you do?
AVA
I just did what Gloria told me.
CASPAR
But what the fuck did you do, Ava?
LEIF
I broadcasted an energy signal that imitated a functioning diner.
AVA
And the floodgates opened. I apologize for the incredibly accurate metaphor.
GLORIA
Where did you wash them away to?
AVA
Y’know... downriver.
CASPAR
Shit.
LEIF
I was not expecting that to happen but it’s hard to argue with the results.
GLORIA
Okay, but, shut it off now.
LEIF
Okay.
AVA
We can’t.
GLORIA
What?
LEIF
What?
AVA
We already put out the signal.
GLORIA
What do you mean we already put out the signal?
AVA
I mean, the wheels are in motion, all that fucked up energy out there, it’s got a target now. Shutting it off won’t matter.
GLORIA
But it matters to me, Ava.
AVA
Hey, you gave me an order, I followed the order. Things are about to get reeeeeeal weird.
GLORIA
That’s not what I asked for!
EFFIE
Gloria I believe that’s exactly what you asked for.
GLORIA
Is it?
LEIF
Yep.
GLORIA
... Okay... well... everyone buckle up, I guess?
CASPAR
Fuck... I’ve got to go talk to David.
CASPAR WALKS INSIDE THE DINER.
CASPAR (CONT’D) David?
THERE’S NO ANSWER. HE WALKS THROUGH THE BACK DOOR.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
David?...
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A CITY BUS SPEEDING DOWN THE STREET. WEAR DAVID TYPING ON HIS PHONE. HE PULLS UP A VIDEO. WE HEAR THE SOUND OF THE MUNGO IN THE BACKGROUND.
MAD MADDOX
(In David’s Phone.)
This is Mad Maddox. I am on the roof of the Target in downtown Pasadena... And there is a fucking Kaiju attacking the city! But listen, I've been watching it. I think it's just eating the palm trees!
DAVID
Fuck.
DAVID SWIPES UP ON HIS PHONE. ANOTHER VIDEO. WE HEAR A RIVER IN THE BACKGROUND.
JAMES SPILLER-ROSA
(In David’s Phone.)
This is James Spiller-Rosa, I am outside the Cheesecake Factory... Colorado Boulevard just turned into a river... what is happening?
DAVID
Fuck.
DAVID SWIPES UP AGAIN.
CRYSTAL DELIGHTFUL
(In David’s Phone.)
Hey y’all, it’s Crystal Delightful again. Welcome back to my channel. I’m sure you’re sick of the videos of my garden by now but you’ve got to see this... I came out here to plant these dahlia bulbs and look... there is a goat in my backyard... What is this goat doing here?... It’s really cute... Hi little buddy.
GOAT
(In David’s Phone.)
Hi there.
CRYSTAL DELIGHTFUL SCREAMS. DAVID CLOSES HIS PHONE.
DAVID
What the fuck...
THE BUS LURCHES TO A HALT.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Oh come on, what is the hold up?
WE HEAR SHOCK AMONG THE PEOPLE ON THE BUS. A MILITARY MARCHING BAND CROSSES RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE BUS.
DAVID (CONT’D)
A marching band. A fucking marching band. Okay... okay... Drive the fucking bus!
THE BUS BEGINS DRIVING AGAIN. DAVID’S PHONE VIBRATES.
DAVID (CONT’D)
What?... No, I’m not there anymore... I’m on a bus... yeah, the busses are still working everybody’s trying to get the fuck out of Pasadena, of course the busses are still working... yeah... yeah I saw it... it’s fucking real... I have no idea... Look, I don’t know what to tell you, I just know that I’m glad to be out of Pasadena, and I’m never going back... I’ll call you later, I’m on my way to barricade myself in my apartment.
THE BUS STOPS AND THE DOORS SWING OPEN. DAVID WALKS OUT ONTO THE STREET. HE PASSES A CORNER STORE THAT’S PLAYING THE NEWS ON THE RADIO.
RADIO REPORTER
... Again the news coming out of Pasadena is very confusing right now, local officials are starting to chime in and are urging people to stay in their homes, if you’re at work stay at work, they do NOT want people out on the street right now-
DAVID
FUCK-
RIGHT AS DAVID IS ABOUT TO TURN A CORNER A STAMPEDE OF ZEBRAS EXPLODES PAST HIM. CARS SWERVE AND PEOPLE SCREAM.
RADIO REPORTER
-We are also getting strange reports across the city, not just Pasadena, so we recommend staying where you are, if you’re out in the street, get inside as soon as you can.
DAVID
Fucking Zebras?
DAVID CONTINUES DOWN THE STREET. HE ROUNDS ANOTHER CORNER AND IS HIT BY A BLIZZARD.
DAVID (CONT’D)
AND a fucking blizzard?!
DAVID OPENS THE FRONT DOOR OF HIS APARTMENT BUILDING AND WALKS INSIDE. HE THEN STOPS AND OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AGAIN. THE BLIZZARD IS GONE.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Jesus Christ.
DAVID SHUTS THE DOOR AGAIN AND WALKS DOWN THE HALL OF HIS APARTMENT BUILDING. HE UNLOCKS THE DOOR, WALKS INSIDE, AND LOCKS EVERY LOCK ON HIS DOOR BEHIND HIM.
DAVID (CONT’D)
You’re fine... you’re fine...
DAVID PUTS DOWN HIS BAG AND PICKS UP THE REMOTE CONTROL. BEFORE HE TURNS ON THE TV HE BEGINS TO HEAR SOMETHING OUTSIDE. HE CROSSES TO THE WINDOW AND OPENS IT. A GROUP OF GREGORIAN MONKS ARE SINGING AS THE WALK DOWN THE STREET. HE SHUTS THE WINDOW AND TURNS ON THE NEWS.
JAY SPARK
Okay, we’re back, this is Jay Spark, I’m here with Jacqueline Snyder and we are trying our best to make sense of the news coming out of Pasadena and now spreading across the Los Angeles area. We’re told the airspace above the area is about to be restricted but we’ve still got our eye in the sky chopper up there, Jacqueline, what are we seeing right now?
JACQUELINE SNYDER
Well, Jay, we’re seeing a great big monster aren’t we?
JAY SPARK
Yes we are.
JACQUELINE SNYDER
It is four stories tall, and it is currently traveling very slowly south down Lake Boulevard towards my favorite Trader Joe’s.
JAY SPARK
We should note at this point that there have not been any casualties.
JACQUELINE SNYDER
And thank God.
JAY SPARK
Some light injuries from people fleeing the scene but this guy does not appear to be Godzilla, does he, Jacqi?
JACQUELINE SNYDER
Well he is if you’re a palm tree. This big boy seems to be focused entirely on eating the tops of palm trees.
JAY SPARK
Bad news if you’re a palm tree, good news if you’re my Land Rover. Lost an entire windshield to a falling palm frond last year, remember that?
JACQUELINE SNYDER
Ooh, that was a bad day in the studio for everyone, wasn’t it?
JAY SPARK
But this parade float come to life is not the only thing going on in the City of Roses, is it, Jacqi?
JACQUELINE SNYDER
No, it is not, Jay. We were jokingly calling it the Colorado river, here in the studio. Colorado Boulevard in Pasadena has now become a raging river. We don’t know how, we don’t know why, but we did manage to capture the moment it happened with our eye in the sky chopper, let’s roll that footage.
JAY SPARK
Okay, we see here a restaurant in Pasadena called Midnight Burger. Now, I’m no expert but there appears to be some sort of government standoff going on around this restaurant.
There you see the black suburbans, you’ve got men with guns and what looks like a squadron of drones in the sky right above the restaurant. Now, that raises enough questions, but watch this footage here... all of a sudden there is a raging river, and you can watch as these government vehicles, all of them, are completely swept away by this sudden river. Look at that.
JACQUELINE SNYDER
I mean, that’s one way to end a government standoff.
JAY SPARK
It sure is. I’m not sure where those government agents got washed away to, but I hope they brought their water weenies.
JACQUELINE SNYDER
Yikes, me too. Okay, so like we said these strange incidents are now spreading across the city so let’s go to the San Fernando Valley Buddhism Center where we are getting word that the Buddhists are levitating-
THE TV SUDDENLY CUTS OUT. WE HEAR GLORIA’S VOICE.
GLORIA
(On Television.)
... Are we on?
LEIF
We’re live.
GLORIA
Okay, hello Los Angeles. I’m Gloria. You have no idea who I am, I know. I’m cutting into your local news right now because I’m sure a lot of you out there are scared and confused about the things going on in the city. Without going into it too much, because I don’t know how much time we have, I’ll say this: the world you live in is trying to fix itself. Fixing yourself can get really messy. It’s going to be messy. All that I, a strange woman who has just appeared on your television, want to say is: what’s the real thing that’s going on? Check on your neighbors, are they okay? Check in on the people in your life. There may be someone in your life who needs to hear the words “we’re going to be okay.” You should say that to them. You may not believe it, but trust me, when you say “it’s going to be okay” to someone, you’re always talking to two people.
Stick together, and hang on, nothing in the history of the universe has ever been permanent... Are we still going?
LEIF
Yeah, we’re still up.
GLORIA
Okay, I’m going to go again... ¡Hola Los Ángeles! Soy Gloria-
DAVID TURNS OFF THE TELEVISION. AFTER A MOMENT, DAVID OPENS A WINDOW. TWO WORLD WAR I ERA PLANES BUZZ HIS APARTMENT BUILDING SHOOTING MACHINE GUNS AT EACH OTHER. DAVID QUICKLY SHUTS THE WINDOW AGAIN. HE TURNS THE TV BACK ON.
JACQUELINE SNYDER
-Now, I know the traffic is bad right now, but it’s especially bad around Sunset and Doheny where apparently the street is now doing a full loop-de-loop like a Hot Wheels track.
HE TURNS OFF THE TV AGAIN. WE SIT IN SILENCE FOR A MOMENT. WE BEING TO HEAR SOMETHING OUTSIDE. IT’S THE SOUND OF SOMEONE RUNNING IN HEELS, THEN A STRANGE SOUND. WE HEAR THE RUNNING AGAIN, AND THE STRANGE SOUND AGAIN. THE SOUND KEEPS REPEATING. DAVID’S CURIOSITY WINS OUT AND HE OPENS THE WINDOW. OVER AND OVER AGAIN, A WOMAN RUNS AND THEN WE HEAR A STRANGE SOUND.
DAVID
Oh, what the fuck?
HE CLOSES THE WINDOW AGAIN. HE TYPES BRIEFLY ON HIS PHONE AND LOUD MUSIC STARTS PLAYING IN HIS APARTMENT. AS THE MUSIC PLAYS WE CAN STILL FAINTLY HEAR THE REPEATING SOUND OUTSIDE, AND SO CAN DAVID. HE SHUTS OFF THE MUSIC. AFTER A MOMENT HE OPENS THE DOOR TO HIS APARTMENT, WALKS DOWN THE HALL AND WALKS OUTSIDE. HE SLOWLY APPROACHES THE REPEATING NOISE AND WE BEGIN TO HEAR A WOMAN’S VOICE. THE WOMAN APPEARS TO BE RUNNING DOWN THE SIDEWALK, DISAPPEARING, THEN REAPPEARING AGAIN ONE HUNDRED YARDS UP THE STREET. THE WOMAN TRIES AGAIN AND AGAIN TO CONTINUE DOWN THE STREET BUT SHE KEEPS DISAPPEARING AND REAPPEARING.
CHRISTINA
Goddamn it.
SHE RUNS AGAIN, DISAPPEARS AND REAPPEARS AGAIN.
CHRISTINA (CONT’D)
What the hell is happening?
SHE RUNS AGAIN, DISAPPEARS AND REAPPEARS AGAIN.
DAVID
Hey.
CHRISTINA
What?
DAVID
What are you doing?
CHRISTINA
I’m trying to walk down the street.
DAVID
It’s not working.
CHRISTINA
I know!
DAVID
Maybe you should stop for a second.
CHRISTINA Why?
DAVID
Because it’s freaking me out.
CHRISTINA
Every time I try to pass that blue Lexus I disappear and reappear back up here again. It’s freaking YOU out?
DAVID
Well, doing it over and over again doesn’t seem to be doing anything.
CHRISTINA
Have you got any better ideas?
SHE RUNS AGAIN, SHE DISAPPEARS AND REAPPEARS AGAIN.
CHRISTINA (CONT’D)
Fuck!
DAVID
Just stop, okay?
CHRISTINA
... What is happening?
DAVID
I don’t know. I’ve been asking myself that all day.
CHRISTINA
... Is it true that there’s a monster in Pasadena right now?
DAVID
... Yeah... Yeah there is.
CHRISTINA
And Colorado Boulevard is a river?
DAVID
Yes.
CHRISTINA
And there was a blizzard for a second?
DAVID
Uh huh.
CHRISTINA
... These documents in my hand, I was running these from our offices to a meeting room three blocks away and... the street starting filling up with white stuff... I think it was shaving cream... so I turned down this street and then this started happening.
DAVID
Maybe just email the documents next time.
CHRISTINA
Very funny... Here I go again.
DAVID
Good luck.
SHE RUNS, DISAPPEARS, AND REAPPEARS AGAIN.
CHRISTINA
Great.
DAVID
Have you tried going in a different direction?
CHRISTINA
I need to go that way.
DAVID
Going that way doesn’t seem to be in the cards.
CHRISTINA
What if... what if I go another direction and something even worse happens? What if I don’t reappear?
DAVID
Okay, well I hope you enjoy spending the rest of your life standing on this sidewalk.
CHRISTINA
... Well, which way do I go?
DAVID
I’m standing here on the other side of the street. Pretty nice over here.
CHRISTINA
... Can you do me a favor?
DAVID
Sure.
CHRISTINA
My name’s Christina Sinnott. I work at Ted Wassanassan and Associates.
DAVID
... Okay, what’s the favor?
CHRISTINA
No, I just... I just moved to town for this job. I don’t really know anyone at work... and there’s a possibility that I’m going to walk across the street and disappear forever, so I needed someone to know...
DAVID
Know what?
CHRISTINA
That I existed.
DAVID
...Alright. I know. It’s nice to meet you Christina. I’m David.
CHRISTINA
Hi David. Here I go.
DAVID
See you on the other side.
CHRISTINA VERY SLOWLY MAKES HER WAY ACROSS THE STREET UNTIL SHE FINALLY REACHES DAVID.
CHRISTINA
Okay, I’m-
SHE DISAPPEARS AND REAPPEARS BACK WHERE SHE STARTED.
CHRISTINA (CONT’D)
...Fucking bullshit.
DAVID
Better than disappearing for good.
CHRISTINA
Sure... bright side... well now what do I do?
DAVID
... I have no idea.
BACK AT THE DINER. WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A FORMULA ONE RACE.
CASPAR
What is this now?
GLORIA
Well, Caspar, this is looking like some race cars.
CASPAR
What happened to the river?
GLORIA
I don’t know.
LEIF
(From the roof.)
Okay, this is looking like it’s all over LA County now. There’s reports of a World War I dog fight over Hollywood and something about a stampede of Zebras and an intersection filled with shaving cream.
GLORIA
Great.
LEIF
What is this?
CASPAR
Looks like Formula One.
LEIF
Cool.
GLORIA
Anything from Ava?
AVA
(On the roof.)
So, I’m calling them “intrusions.”
GLORIA
Okay, anything else?
AVA
Sometimes one intrusion will supersede the other. Like right now, this race car thing superseded the river on Colorado Boulevard. Then, sometimes they can co-exist. So we’ve got the race cars and also the Mungo is still loose in downtown Pasadena eating all the palm trees.
GLORIA
Where is all this headed, Ava?
AVA
Too early to tell right now, but my guess is total atomic breakdown.
CASPAR
Total atomic breakdown sounds bad.
AVA
We may be seeing an injection of antimatter into the universe causing a slow annihilation. Try and imagine rust on a ship. I thinks that’s the universe right now.
CASPAR
I don’t want to try and imagine that, thank you.
GLORIA
Any way we can get out ahead of this?
AVA
Effie?
EFFIE
Gloria, every time one of these oddities rears it’s head I’m getting a particular feeling in my knees.
GLORIA
Your knees.
EFFIE
I’m feeling it in my joints when one of these, Ava what are we calling them?
AVA
Intrusions.
EFFIE
Every time one of them intrusions comes around I’ve got it in my knees and sometimes my right elbow just before it makes itself known.
GLORIA
That sounds painful.
ZEBULON
I have cold compresses and a hot water bottle and I am alternating between them.
EFFIE
Don’t you worry about us, Gloria.
AVA
I think with Effie’s help I can at least work out a schedule for when the intrusions are going to happen.
CASPAR
The race is over.
WE BEGIN TO HEAR THE “COLORADO RIVER” AGAIN.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Annnd we’re back to the river.
AVA
Okay, good. It looks like Colorado Boulevard is a kind of nexus point. A soft spot where the intrusions are going to manifest, if anything happens it’ll probably happen there, but it looks like with the reports that Leif’s getting, there are fissures opening all over the city.
GLORIA
Fucking great. Okay, let me know when you know anything.
CASPAR
Hey, at least we’re not in a standoff with the US Government anymore.
GLORIA
So, David left, huh?
CASPAR
Yeah, he did. I’m glad. He needed to get out of here, I’m sure he’s safer wherever he went.
GLORIA
I’m sorry, Caspar.
CASPAR
You know, when I first started talking to him again, I had one rule: It may be awkward, he may hate you, but whatever you do, Caspar, just don’t make it worse... So... I made it worse.
GLORIA
You didn’t make it worse, Caspar, whoever put us here made it worse.
CASPAR
Well, regardless, it’s worse. Because of my presence here, the universe where he makes his home is now headed for... what was it?
GLORIA
Total atomic breakdown.
CASPAR
Yeah, total atomic breakdown, I’m going to call that worse. Fucking disaster.
A FOOD DELIVERY DRONE COMES ROLLING DOWN THE STREET.
DRONE
Delicious food coming through... Delicious food coming through... Delicious food coming through...
GLORIA
Well, look at this brave little soldier.
CASPAR
Jesus christ. This whole universe is going to break down and this guy is still going to be trying to deliver a poke bowl to someone.
DOOR CHIME, AVA WALKS OUT INTO THE PARKING LOT WITH THE MUCKLEWAINS.
AVA
Okay, I think we’ve got it. Here comes another intrusion. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...
DRONE
Delicious food coming through... Delicious food coming th-
GLORIA
Nothing’s happening.
CASPAR
The food delivery bot stopped.
GLORIA
Is that all that’s going to happen?
EFFIE
That doesn’t feel like much.
THE FOOD DELIVERY DRONE BEGINS TO TRANSFORM INTO SOMETHING MUCH BIGGER.
ZEBULON
Oh dear.
THE DRONE SPROUTS TO HUGE ARMS AND A HEAD.
ZEBULON (CONT’D) Oh my!
CASPAR
Jesus Christ he’s a fucking Decepticon!
DRONE
DELICIOUS FOOD COMING THROUGH!
THE DRONE LURCHES TOWARD THEM.
ZEBULON
For heaven’s sake, someone take the food from it!
GLORIA
Leif!
LEIF
What? Holy shit!
CASPAR
Leif, do something!
LEIF
Peter!
PETER SPRINGS TO LIFE AND HEROICALLY LEAPS FROM THE ROOF. HE RUSHES IN, QUICKLY AND METHODICALLY GOING TO TOWN ON THE DELIVERY DRONE, CUTTING IT TO PIECES WITH HIS LASER.
DRONE
DELICIOUS FOOD COMING THROUGH!!
THE DRONE FIGHTS BACK BUT PETER IS TOO FAST.
GLORIA
Everybody back up!
THE DRONE FALLS TO THE GROUND IN PIECES AFTER BEING DICED UP.
DRONE
Please... enjoy... your... ceasar... salad... wraaaaaaaap...
LEIF
Nice work, Peter.
CASPAR
Leif, how have you not made one hundred peters?!
LEIF
I know, right?
BACK AT DAVID’S APARTMENT. CHRISTINA IS SLOWLY WALKING DOWN THE SIDEWALK.
DAVID
Now, what are you doing?
CHRISTINA
I was thinking, maybe I need to sneak up on it. Maybe I was walking too fast, like, maybe there’s a speed limit.
DAVID
A speed limit?
CHRISTINA
Yeah, I think I’m getting a little further that I usually-
CHRISTINA TELEPORTS AGAIN. SHE’S BACK WHERE SHE STARTED.
CHRISTINA (CONT’D)
Oh god damn it.
DAVID
It doesn’t seem like the type of thing you can sneak past.
CHRISTINA
How do you know?
DAVID
I don’t.
CHRISTINA
What is that sound?
A GROUP OF GREGORIAN MONKS ARE WALKING DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET SINGING THEIR GHOSTLY SONG AGAIN.
CHRISTINA (CONT’D)
Are these Gregorian Monks?
DAVID
I don’t know, I don’t know much about monks.
CHRISTINA
Hello?
DAVID
I don’t think they can see us.
CHRISTINA
Is it possible that the City of Los Angeles is having one big mass hallucination?
DAVID
I doubt it, but I’m sure that’ll be everyone’s explanation after this is over.
CHRISTINA
What if it’s never over? What if this is the world now?
DAVID
... I don’t know... I’ll tell you what...
DAVID GETS OUT HIS PHONE AND STARTS TYPING.
DAVID (CONT’D)
... I’ve got a friend, he lives in Austria... I am texting him right now and we’re going to see how things are going half way around the world.
CHRISTINA Why?
DAVID
I don’t know, uh... I went through a period in my life when I would get a little scared from time to time... and whenever I would feel that way I would... I would try and widen the lens, you know?
CHRISTINA No.
DAVID
My life felt like the entire universe. It felt like the only thing that was happening in the universe was whatever bad shit was happening to me... But you widen the lens. Zoom out. The world is wide, right? The world is a billion things. Not just you... it helped to know that there were plenty of places out there where my particular bullshit didn’t exist.
DAVID’S PHONE VIBRATES.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Okay... I told him that there is some crazy shit going down in LA right now and he thinks I’m talking about a party. He is...
he is on vacation right now with his boyfriend, who is terrible by the way, we don’t like him, Christina, and they are somewhere called Hallstatt. (HALL-shtaht)
CHRISTINA
Where is that?
DAVID
I don’t know. (Typing.) Send... pics... It’s entirely possible that it’s not the end of the world... maybe we shouldn’t have freaked out and ran.
CHRISTINA Ran?
DAVID’S PHONE BUZZES AGAIN.
DAVID
Okay... we have pictures of Hallstatt. Well, look at that, that is lovely.
CHRISTINA
Wow, that’s beautiful.
DAVID
That is an adorable mountain lake town. No bad shit happening. A nice quiet place... Okay, now, did his boyfriend have to have his shirt off in this pic? No, he did not. This is what I’m talking about Christina, we hate him.
CHRISTINA
We really do.
DAVID
So... not the end of the world.
THE ZEBRA STAMPEDE IS SUDDENLY RUNNING PAST THEM. IT IS VERY LOUD. THEY THEN ROUND THE CORNER AND ARE GONE.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Maybe that wasn’t the best moment for the Zebra stampede to come by, but my point still stands, okay?
CHRISTINA
... Why are you doing this?
DAVID
What?
CHRISTINA
Helping me.
DAVID
I think the jury’s still out on wether or not I’m helping you.
CHRISTINA
It’s kind of dangerous out here, there was just a stampede, and I think an arial dogfight earlier?
DAVID
Uh... I don’t know... I had just made it to my apartment, and the whole time I was trying to get there I was convinced that, if I made it back home, everything was going to be okay. So I got in and locked all the doors and... somehow I got more scared in my safe apartment than I am out here... maybe I needed something to do.
CHRISTINA
... So, should I try again?
DAVID
Do you want to try again?
CHRISTINA No.
DAVID
Then let’s talk about something else.
CHRISTINA
Great, ok.
DAVID
How come you’re the only person in America not sending documents through the internet?
CHRISTINA
Oh. Right. God, I totally forgot I was even holding these. They’re from an old case. 1983? They haven’t been digitized yet so I had to run back to the office and get them... I think I’m going to be a little late for the arbitration.
DAVID
I’ll write you a note.
CHRISTINA
Great.
DAVID
Dear lawyers, this lady was teleporting up and down Argyle Avenue so she had to miss your big fancy meeting.
CHRISTINA
That’ll work... Jesus is my job even going to exist? I mean... what if everything keeps getting crazier?
DAVID
I imagine even if society gets ground down to nothing there’ll still be that desire for people to sue each other.
CHRISTINA
Oh, good... So, what do you do? Or did you do, depending on how things play out?
DAVID
I’m a street artist.
CHRISTINA
Really?
DAVID
We exist.
CHRISTINA
That’s fun. Have I seen any of your stuff?
DAVID
I don’t know, what’s your commute like?
CHRISTINA
I live in Valley Village so I take Laurel Canyon.
DAVID
Ah. On a wall for a while I had a thing: it was Charleton Heston in the Ten Commandments-
CHRISTINA
-But instead of carrying the ten commandments he was carrying two bass woofers?
DAVID
That’s me.
CHRISTINA
I loved that one! That’s you?
DAVID
It is.
CHRISTINA
Wait, I remember the signature... you’re Cosmic Shrug!
DAVID
I am.
CHRISTINA
Oh my God, you’re a legend!
DAVID
No, I’m not.
CHRISTINA
You are to me. You’re the first cool person I’ve met in Los Angeles.
DAVID
Well, that’s what you get for living in Valley Village.
CHRISTINA
That must be so great. Is it great?
DAVID
I like it.
CHRISTINA
You’ve got this thing out there for everyone to see. They drive past and it makes their day a little weirder, y’know? I wish I had something like that.
DAVID
Christina, you have definitely made my day a little weirder.
CHRISTINA
Yeah. Yeah I guess I have... Maybe that’s why all this is happening. Maybe people need to be weirded out more.
DAVID
Yeah... you know what? Let’s try again.
CHRISTINA
Oh god.
DAVID
Come on. Let’s change it up, though.
CHRISTINA
What do you mean?
DAVID
Give me the file.
CHRISTINA
Okay. It’s kind of become my security blanket, though.
DAVID
Don’t worry, I’m going to put it right here on top of this car.
CHRISTINA
Okay.
DAVID
Now give me your hand.
CHRISTINA
No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.
DAVID
We’ve got to do something. Let’s try this. You may be stuck, but I’m not. Let’s see what happens.
CHRISTINA
Okay. Are you sure?
DAVID
I’m sure.
CHRISTINA
What if you get stuck in this loop with me?
DAVID
Then at least we’ve learned something.
CHRISTINA
Okay... Okay, oh God... I’m taking your hand.
DAVID
Good. Now let’s walk.
THEY START TO WALK DOWN THE STREET.
CHRISTINA
I promise if you get stuck with me for all eternity that I’m a great conversationalist when I’m not freaking out.
DAVID
That’s good to know.
CHRISTINA
And I talk in my sleep.
DAVID
Okay.
CHRISTINA
Oh God, here it comes...
THEY KEEP WALKING.
CHRISTINA (CONT’D)
... We made it to the corner.
DAVID
We made it to the corner.
CHRISTINA
We did it.
DAVID
We did it.
CHRISTINA
Did we do it?
DAVID
I think so.
CHRISTINA
Is the spell broken?
DAVID
You’re on the street corner.
CHRISTINA
I’m on the street corner!
DAVID
I guess you just needed some company.
CHRISTINA
That’s fucking incredible!
CHRISTINA TELEPORTS AGAIN.
DAVID
Whoa.
CHRISTINA
Shit!... Wait.
DAVID
You’re across the street now.
CHRISTINA
I’m across the street now. Why am I across the street now?
DAVID
I don’t know, but it’s still progress.
CHRISTINA
Hang on.... Wait... stay there...
CHRISTINA TELEPORTS BACK TO DAVID.
DAVID
Oh, shit!
CHRISTINA
I’m back. I came back.
DAVID
How?
CHRISTINA
I don’t know.
DAVID
Do it again.
CHRISTINA
Okay.
SHE TELEPORTS BACK ACROSS THE STREET.
CHRISTINA (CONT’D)
I’m over here again!
DAVID
Confirmed.
CHRISTINA
I think... I think I can control it.
DAVID
Shit... Okay, go bigger this time.
CHRISTINA
What do you mean?
DAVID
That balcony up there.
CHRISTINA
The one with the cactus?
DAVID
Yeah. Go for it.
CHRISTINA
Okay, okay, oh god, okay...
CHRISTINA TELEPORTS THREE STORIES UP TO A BALCONY.
CHRISTINA (CONT’D)
(On the balcony.)
Holy shit I’m on the balcony!
DAVID
Goddamn. Okay, don’t freak people out. Come back down.
SHE REAPPEARS NEXT TO DAVID.
CHRISTINA
I’m back down... What the hell is happening?...
DAVID
Christina, I have no idea.
CHRISTINA
... Give me your hand again.
DAVID
What are you doing?
CHRISTINA
C’mon... give me your hand.
DAVID
Oh, lord.
THEY BOTH DISAPPEAR AND REAPPEAR INSIDE A 7-11.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Yo... Hello, new experiences.
CHRISTINA STARTS LAUGHING.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Why are you laughing?
CHRISTINA
We’re at 7-11!
DAVID
I know.
CHRISTINA
I teleported us to a 7-11.
DAVID
Which one?
CHRISTINA
The one on Highland.
DAVID
Christina that is several blocks away!
CHRISTINA
I know!
DAVID
You could’ve teleported me inside the slushie machine!
CHRISTINA
I don’t know, I just knew I wouldn’t. I knew it was going to be okay. Looks like it’s been abandoned. Want a hot dog?
DAVID
... How far can you go?
CHRISTINA
I don’t know... Are we going to test it?
DAVID
Okay... okay... Go get a pair of sunglasses from Venice Beach.
CHRISTINA
Venice Beach... yeah okay... fuck it.
CHRISTINA DISAPPEARS.
DAVID
... Goodbye normal life.
CHRISTINA REAPPEARS.
CHRISTINA
What do we think?
DAVID
It’s a look.
CHRISTINA
They’re tiger print.
DAVID
Bold.
CHRISTINA
So... I can just do this now?
DAVID
Christina, I have no idea. But I know you’re not stuck outside my apartment anymore.
CHRISTINA
So, I’m Christina the teleporting lawyer now?
DAVID
You’ll never be late for court.
CHRISTINA
... David, why did you do this? Why did you help me?
DAVID
I told you, I needed something to do.
CHRISTINA
Seriously.
DAVID
... I uh... I run from things.
CHRISTINA
What do you mean?
DAVID
I mean... Usually in my life, when people tell me the world has to be a certain way I just... leave. I don’t like being told what to do, even if it’s the whole world telling me. All these things that are happening: the craziness in Pasadena, the monks, the zebras... I didn’t want it. I tried to run from it, shut it out... everything’s fun and games when I can control it but when things aren’t in my control... time to hit the road... I think it’s time to stop that now.
CHRISTINA
... I’m glad you did.
DAVID
Me too.
CHRISTINA
So what now?
DAVID
... Shit.
CHRISTINA
What?
DAVID
... I need you to give me a ride.
BACK AT THE DINER.
AVA
5,4,3,2,1...
THUNDER RUMBLES IN THE SKY ABOVE THEIR HEADS.
CASPAR
It’s going to rain now?
GLORIA
That seems kind of normal.
LEIF
I’m suspicious.
EFFIE
Oh, Leif, hush up, we don’t need your nay-saying when we’re just trying to get to the end of the day.
ZEBULON
Little bit of rain might be nice.
SOMETHING HITS CASPAR ON THE HEAD.
CASPAR
Ow!
A PING PONG BALL BOUNCES AWAY.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
What the hell was that?
AVA
A ping pong ball.
CASPAR
C’mon.
ANOTHER PING PONG BALL LANDS IN THE PARKING LOT. THEN ANOTHER AND ANOTHER.
GLORIA
Goddamnit.
IT BEGINS TO RAIN PING PONG BALLS.
LEIF
So sorry for the nay-saying!
EFFIE
You, shut it!
GLORIA
Everybody inside!
THEY ALL RUSH INSIDE THE DINER.
CASPAR
Those things hurt way more than you would expect.
GLORIA
I am officially sick of this, Ava is there anything we can do?
AVA
Sadly, we’re just like everyone else now. With the diner powered down, we don’t have much to work with.
GLORIA
So this is what happens? When the diner stops working the whole universe collapses in on itself?
AVA
We’re seeing it right now. It’s happening just like it would with an organism. One system breaks down and that failure cascades throughout.
GLORIA
It can’t be that simple.
AVA
Well, it’s not that simple. When any universe is created, the initial rush of energy and expansion takes literally microseconds, but this universe has had billions of years to develop and mature and gain complexity. That could take a long time to unravel.
GLORIA
And all that time it’s going to look like this? Ping pong balls falling from the sky?
AVA
Oh, no, it’s going to get much worse than that.
CASPAR
I can’t believe we’re supposed to just sit here and watch everything turn to soup.
AVA
As powerful as we all may have felt while were were bopping around the cosmos, in the end we’re still mostly observers. Trying to stop it would be like trying to stop a storm front by blowing at it really hard.
GLORIA
So this is it.
ZEBULON
Y’all, I must say, I disagree.
EFFIE
What’s that now, dear?
ZEBULON
Well, we all seem to be drifting toward a rather apocalyptic view of things. We’re beginning to sound consigned to oblivion.
GLORIA
Zebulon, everything’s gone haywire and we’ve been stripped of our power to do anything.
ZEBULON
And I believe it is always a mistake for one to convince themself that they have any power at all. I have witnessed all of you do incredible things. Heroic things. And you have done those things not because of your immense power but because of your... Lord help me, for I am about to step right in it... because of your faith. Faith in yourselves, in each other, faith in your belief that to act from the purest part of yourself will lead you to victory. That is not power. That is trust. And perhaps what we need right now is a little more of that.
AVA
Maybe this is the lack of sleep talking, but Zebulon’s right. I’m sitting here saying that the universe is unravelling, but that’s only going with the information that I have. There could be a lot of information out there that I don’t have. It’s entirely possible that a universe evolves to a point where it has a, kind of a back up plan. Something we don’t know about yet.
CASPAR
So we just sit here and hope for the best?
AVA
I think so.
LEIF
I hate that, but I get it.
CASPAR
Hang on.
GLORIA
What?
CASPAR
David’s in the parking lot.
CASPAR WALKS OUTSIDE.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Welcome to Midnight Burger.
DAVID
... Sorry.
CASPAR
It’s okay.
DAVID
It’s a lot.
CASPAR
It is, in fact, so much.
DAVID
I still don’t know what to do with all this.
CASPAR
David, I told you so much nuclear-grade insane bullshit earlier. The only difference between me and a severely mentally-ill person is that everything I said is true. But it still feels like insanity. It was, for real, raining ping pong balls a second ago, but it still doesn’t feel real. Like there’s no room for it in your brain, y’know?
DAVID
... I hitched a ride here from a teleporting lawyer.
CASPAR
Oh really?
DAVID
I would’ve introduced you but she had to go check on her neighbor. She was out on the street next to my apartment. She was trapped in this weird loop, she couldn’t escape the sidewalk, so I had to help her out.
CASPAR
What’d you do?
DAVID
I held her hand and walked her to the end of the block. Somehow that did it.
CASPAR
... Well I’m glad that you’re making friends.
DAVID
Why did that work?
CASPAR
Ava and Leif will tell you one reason why it worked, Effie and Zebulon will give you another. And then Gloria and me would say, it worked because something had to.
DAVID
... I can’t talk to anyone else about that.
CASPAR
Yeah.
DAVID
That makes me mad.
CASPAR
I know.
DAVID
I’m sorry that it makes me mad.
CASPAR
David it’s... Parents are tough... you may want to have a good relationship with them, but you can never really pull off having the relationship you want to. Also, you both go through life and you both change but when you get back together you revert to these old roles like no time has passed, it’s weird. Parents are weird, home is weird. Look at Leif. He’s grown a lot from the angry dude he used to be, but you put him back on Earth. Back home? And he’s just mad all the time, like no time has passed... it never works the way you want it to... This doesn’t work the way that I want it to. It never will. It doesn’t stop me from trying.
DAVID
Helping that Lawyer out felt good.
CASPAR
Oh yeah?
DAVID
I don’t know that I’ve ever felt that way before.
CASPAR
Yeah.
DAVID
It’s weird.
CASPAR
I know. It’s weird that it’s weird. “I helped someone?” “I changed things?” That’s not how the world is supposed to work, it’s supposed to be intractable. It’s supposed to be out of my control. And trust me it is intractable, it is out of your control, but every once and a while... Every once and a while you move the needle. And that gets confusing, because what are you supposed to do now? Try? That’s not what you’ve been told to do by the world you live in. You’ve been told to shrug your shoulders and keep walking. Now you’ve go to try all the time? That sounds exhausting.
DAVID
... Is the world ending?
CASPAR
The world’s always ending, David. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe in a billion years. But Zebulon has given us his usual spiel, which means that we’re not allowed to say it’s the end of the world until it is the literal end of the world.
DOOR CHIME.
AVA
Sorry to interrupt, but I’ve got another countdown.
GLORIA
Hey David.
DAVID
Hey.
LEIF
What’s going on?
DAVID
Ah. The Space Pirate.
LEIF
That was a long time ago.
ZEBULON
Afternoon to you, young man.
EFFIE
It’s good to see your face again, David.
DAVID
Do they ever stop freaking you out?
GLORIA
Not really.
DAVID
What’s “The countdown?”
CASPAR
Ava figured out how to predict when something’s going to happen.
DAVID
Oh, great.
AVA
5,4,3,2,1...
CASPAR
...
DAVID
...
AVA
...
CASPAR
Anything?
GLORIA
I don’t see anything.
LEIF
Maybe we’re getting a break.
ZEBULON
Or perhaps, as I said, things are not so grim after all?
AVA
I’m not sure about that.
CASPAR
Continuons d'attendre et voyons si quelque chose se passe. (Let's keep waiting and see if something happens.)
AVA
...
LEIF
...
GLORIA
... Caspar, tu viens de dire quelque chose en français ? (Caspar, did you just say something in French?)
CASPAR
Je ne parle pas français, tu parles français. (I’m not speaking French, you’re speaking French.)
LEIF
Vous parlez tous les deux français. Merde! (You’re both speaking French. Shit!)
AVA
Vous parlez tous les trois français. (All three of you are speaking French.)
LEIF
Maintenant, vous parlez français! (Now you’re speaking French!)
AVA
Non, je ne suis pas. Oh mon Dieu! Je suis! (No, I’m not. Oh my God! I am!)
DAVID
Qu'est-ce qui se passe, bordel? (What the Fuck is happening?)
GLORIA
Maintenant, David parle français. (Now David is speaking French.)
ZEBULON
Je crois qu’on peut affirmer sans se tromper que vous parlez désormais tous les cinq français! (I believe it’s safe to say that all five of you are now speaking French!)
EFFIE
Mon mari, tu parles aussi français. Oh Seigneur, moi aussi. (Husband, you are also speaking French. Oh Lord, so am I.)
AVA
C’est un joli changement de rythme. (It’s a nice change of pace.)
CASPAR
Ava, est-ce temporaire ou permanent? (Ava, is this temporary or permanent?)
AVA
Je ne sais pas. (I don’t know.)
EFFIE
Zoot alors! (Gol Durn!)
DAVID
Tu veux dire qu'on pourrait tous parler français pour toujours? (You mean we could all be speaking French forever?)
AVA
Peut être. (Maybe.)
CASPAR
Quoi?! (Hwat?!)
AVA
Le géant Mungo est toujours là, nous parlerons peut-être français pendant un moment. (The giant Mungo is still here, we might be speaking French for a while.)
ZEBULON
Ava, je n'ai pas l'intention de parler français pendant un certain temps! (Ava, I have no intention of speaking French for any length of time!)
EFFIE
C'est peut-être votre intention, mon cher, mais vos intentions se manifestent en français. (That may be your intention, Dear, but your intentions are coming out French.)
ZEBULON
Oh, les escargots! (Aw, snails!)
LEIF
Je me sens plus sexy, quelqu'un d'autre se sent-il plus sexy? (I feel sexier, any one else feel sexier?)
AVA
Je me sens plus distant. (I feel more aloof.)
GLORIA
Est-ce que c'est possible? (Is that even possible?)
AVA
Fameusement gonflé! (How dare you!)
DAVID
Si cela est permanent, je déménage en Europe. (If this is permanent, I’m moving to Europe.)
GLORIA
Je suis avec David. (I’m with David.)
CASPAR
Personne ne déménage en Europe! (Nobody is moving to Europe!)
ZEBULON
C'est très énervant de voir mes mots anglais sortir de ma bouche comme des mots français! (It is very unnerving to have my English words come out of my mouth as French words!)
EFFIE
Je m'y habitue, tout le monde. (I’m getting used to it, y’all.)
AVA
Je le suis aussi (I am too.)
EFFIE
Je veux un de ces chapeaux. (I want one of those hats.)
AVA
Un instant, tout cela me donne envie de fumer une cigarette. (Hang on, this is all making me want to smoke a cigarette.)
DAVID
Je me sens mieux maintenant. La version française de moi est-elle une meilleure version de moi ? Ai-je raté quelque chose? (I’m feeling better about it now. Is the French version of me a better version of me? Have I been missing out?)
GLORIA
Je me demande si je suis meilleur en pâtisserie maintenant. (I wonder if I’m better at making pastries now.)
LEIF
Je me demande si je suis meilleur pour conquérir l'Europe occidentale. (I wonder if I’m better at conquering western Europe.)
AVA
Attendez, je vais dire le nom du restaurant et voir à quoi ça ressemble: Burger de minuit.
(Wait, I’m going to say the name of the diner and see how it sounds: Midnight Burger.)
EFFIE
Oh j'aime ça. (Oh, I like it.)
DAVID
Est-ce que Gloria doit porter un de ces hauts chapeaux dans la cuisine maintenant? (Does Gloria have to wear one of those tall hats in the kitchen now?)
GLORIA
Je ne détesterais pas ça. (I wouldn’t hate it.)
CASPAR
C’est la plus stupide absurdité qui soit jamais arrivée. (This is the stupidest nonsense that has ever happened.)
GLORIA
I guess I need to brush up on my sauces. Oh!
CASPAR
Oh, thank God.
LEIF
That was fucking weird, man.
DAVID
Am I bilingual now?
AVA
Hang on.
EFFIE
Well that was a little trip around the world for me.
ZEBULON
Yes, and I am glad to be back.
EFFIE
Oh nonsense, Husband. You were adorable speaking your little French words.
AVA
Wait.
LEIF
What is it?
CASPAR
My biggest fear was that I was going to like it and I’d be stuck being French for the rest of my life. I don’t have that kind of fashion sense.
LEIF
Y’all. Ava, what is it?
AVA
The schedule changed.
LEIF
What do you mean?
AVA
We stopped speaking French so it had to be superseded by something. Does anyone see anything different?
CASPAR
I don’t see anything.
GLORIA
Me neither.
ZEBULON
Perhaps this is it? Perhaps we’ve reached the end of it.
DAVID
What is that?
CASPAR
What?
DAVID
There.
CASPAR
That’s... what? That’s the moon.
DAVID
Is it?
CASPAR
Yes.
DAVID
Then what... is that?
CASPAR
... Oh shit.
GLORIA
There’s two moons.
LEIF
Oh no...
AVA
That’s not great.
ZEBULON
My goodness, like we’re all seeing double.
EFFIE
And they’re the spitting image of each other.
DAVID’S PHONE IS REPEATEDLY VIBRATING.
DAVID
Uh, everyone in my contacts appears to be freaking out.
AVA
Are you doing the math on this?
LEIF
I don’t need to do the math on this.
CASPAR
Please tell me this is only bad news for werewolves.
LEIF
This is it.
GLORIA
This is what?
AVA
A whole other moon has popped into existence, Gloria. Planetary systems are fragile. One wrong nudge and it’s game over.
GLORIA
Are they going to crash into each other?
LEIF
Maybe. But even if they don’t, there’s about a million different systems on the planet that depend on the balance between the Earth and the moon. Tides, weather patterns, seasons, animal migrations.
AVA
You can’t add a third party to a planetary system without massive repercussions at the very least.
LEIF
... This is the end... Best case scenario: floods, tsunamis, ocean currents collapse and restructure. But honestly...
AVA
They’re going to hit each other. It’s just a matter of time.
ZEBULON
Now, let us not go down a dark-
EFFIE
Dear. I think we need to start taking the world for what it is.
ZEBULON
... I suppose you’re right.
DAVID
Now what the fuck do we do?
CASPAR
They’re saying there’s nothing to do, David.
GLORIA
I shouldn’t have told you to make it worse, Ava.
AVA
It wouldn’t have mattered. It was all headed this way eventually.
GLORIA
Does anybody have any options?
LEIF
Yeah.
GLORIA
What?
LEIF
...We leave. I’ll get up on the roof, put out a call, see if I can call in some favors. If we can hitch a ride off of this Earth we can at least get to a safer place.
GLORIA
Leave the diner?
LEIF
Yeah. Yeah, I’m sorry... Look I know this seems like me just wanting to run away from my problems... but sometimes you do, legitimately, need to get the fuck out... I think this may be one of those times.
GLORIA
I can’t leave.
ZEBULON
Gloria, all that time when Effie and I were out there roaming the land, we were not looking for a place. We were looking for all of you.
EFFIE
This place may have brought us all together, Gloria, but, we are now together. And if we can stay that way, regardless of the ground beneath our feet, I believe we can still thrive as the Lord meant us to.
GLORIA
Ava said this was happening to the whole universe, though.
DAVID
I have friends overseas. I texted them earlier, nothing like this is happening over there. Although, I guess two moons means it’s happening everywhere now.
AVA
We’re at ground zero right now. And the kind of deterioration I was talking about could take generations. If Leif can find us a nice shady spot, we probably wouldn’t see anything like this in our lifetime.
GLORIA
... So we’re done.
CASPAR
This place is done. We’re still here, Gloria.
GLORIA
... Make the call, Leif.
LEIF
I’m on it.
CASPAR
... Gloria, look-
GLORIA
It’s the last supper... Who’s hungry?
LATER. GLORIA COOKS IN THE KITCHEN, THE MUCKLEWAINS PLAY SOME MUSIC AND AVA IS PASSED OUT ON CASPAR’S SHOULDER. DAVID SITS WITH THEM.
CASPAR
Hey, where were you?
DAVID
I was on the roof. Leif was trying to explain to me what he was doing and it just sounded like nonsense.
CASPAR
Yeah, I’d avoid that if I were you. I just call everything he does magic and it makes it much easier to accept.
AVA
Mmm... quarks...
DAVID
How can she sleep right now?
CASPAR
She hasn’t slept in about 48 hours. Also she... I don’t know she has a different way of looking at things. “It’s all fermions and bosons.” Whatever that means.
DAVID
... I thought about calling mom. Then I realized she wouldn’t believe a word I had to say.
CASPAR
Yeah, probably not.
DAVID
... So you’re telling me Leif is calling a space ship right now?
CASPAR
Yeah... Yeah, he is.
DAVID
Where are we going to go?
CASPAR
I don’t know, David. But it looks like we can’t stay here.
DAVID
... What a fucking day.
CASPAR
I know. I’m so sorry.
DAVID
... My biggest worry was that you were going to be some depressed old dude with a Facebook page.
CASPAR
... Surprise.
AVA SUDDENLY WAKES UP WITH A SHARP EXHALE.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Jesus Christ, Ava.
AVA
...
CASPAR
Ava?
AVA
It’s not a small business.
DAVID
... What?
AVA
It’s not... a small... business...
DAVID
Is she having a night terror?
CASPAR
Maybe?
EFFIE
Ava.
AVA
Do you feel it?
EFFIE
I do.
AVA
Wait for it...
CASPAR
Wait for what?
AVA
It’s not a small business.
CASPAR
Ava, what in the goddamn hell are you talking about?
AVA
The finely-tuned universe, David.
DAVID
What about it...
OUTSIDE WE BEGIN TO HEAR A VERY FAMILIAR SOUND. LEIF ENTERS FROM THE BACK DOOR.
LEIF
Y’all. I’m getting some crazy readings up there.
GLORIA
What do you mean?
AVA
Everybody outside!
EVERYONE RUSHES INTO THE PARKING LOT.
CASPAR
Ava, what are we doing?
GLORIA
I can’t handle another disaster, y’all.
AVA
Wait for it...
ZEBULON
Dear, what it is we’re waiting for?
EFFIE
I don’t even know how to describe it?
GLORIA
Leif, what kind of reading were you getting?
LEIF
The only way I can describe it is-
SOMETHING APPEARS ACROSS THE STREET, MAKING THE SAME CRACK IN THE AIR AS THE DINER.
LEIF (CONT’D)
What the fuck?
CASPAR
What is that?
ZEBULON
My Lord...
GLORIA
It’s a movie theater...
CASPAR
“The Paradise?”
AVA
It’s not a small business... It’s a franchise...
THE DOOR TO THE PARADISE THEATER SWINGS OPEN AND A MAN, JEREMIAH FRANCO COMES TROTTING OUT.
JEREMIAH
Don’t panic, everyone, don’t panic, everything’s just fine.
GLORIA
What is happening?
JEREMIAH
I know you must all be asking yourself “What is happening?”, but let me assure you, we’re here to help and everything is going to be just fine. My name’s Jeremiah Franco, and I am the manager of The Paradise, now I know what you’re... Leif?
LEIF
Excuse me?
THE DOOR TO THE PARADISE OPENS AGAIN.
PARADISE LEIF
Holy shit, the news feeds on this Earth are insane, I’ve never seen anything like it.
DAVID
Oh my God.
LEIF
Aw fuck. Here we go again...
PARADISE LEIF
I’ll tell you one thing, this is NOT a localized problem we’re going to have to... What the fuck?
LEIF
... Hello, Leif.
PARADISE LEIF
Hello... Leif?
THE DOOR TO THE PARADISE OPENS YET AGAIN.
MARGUERITE
Baby, come on, let’s go, we’re going to meet the new people they look really...
AVA
Oh my God.
MARGUERITE Ava?
AVA
Marguerite?
CASPAR
... What.
JEREMIAH
Well then... It’s looking like a very interesting day for all parties, doesn’t it?... Alright everyone... Who wants popcorn?
THE END.