Chapter 35: Sheep?
NIGHT TIME IN PASADENA. CASPAR, GLORIA, AND THE MUCKLEWAINS ARE IN THE PARKING LOT.
EFFIE
When first it all happened we were flung out into the wide world and found ourselves inside of a refrigerator.
GLORIA
A refrigerator?
EFFIE
Oh yes.
ZEBULON
We’ve inhabited many gee-gaa in the past, but I never thought we’d find ourselves part of a simple ice box.
EFFIE
Now maybe I’m old fashioned, but I think there are some things that you don’t need to make fancy. Why in the world is there a refrigerator that can tell you that you’re low on milk? You know how to know you’re low on milk?
CASPAR
By opening the door?
EFFIE
By opening the door and looking inside, Caspar.
ZEBULON
Though I suppose we shouldn’t complain. Lord knows where else we could’ve ended up.
GLORIA
That’s true, I hear they have smart bidets now.
EFFIE
Bidet. Do I want to know what that is?
GLORIA
Nope.
EFFIE
Anyhow, there we were in someplace called Home Depot.
ZEBULON
After a brief bout of confusion, we decided the only course of action that made any sort of sense was to make ourselves mobile.
EFFIE
Thus began a game a leap frog that would’ve made any toad jealous.
ZEBULON
With alacrity we leapt from domicile to domicile.
EFFIE
We found ourselves in watches, we found ourselves in televisions, all manner of handheld devices.
ZEBULON
Let’s not forget little Dan Boman.
EFFIE
Oh yes, little Danny, he was such a little rascal wasn’t he?
ZEBULON
A family had some sort of situation that put their child upon a tiny television screen.
EFFIE
Zebulon was downright adorable with little Dan Boman, weren’t you, dear?
ZEBULON
Well, he did have a dickens of a time setting down for that afternoon nap.
EFFIE
Zebulon told him all sorts of stories, he would do little voices, it was a time.
ZEBULON
And then in the parking garage of Daniel’s family, the next phase of our journey was revealed.
EFFIE
These cars driving themselves around.
ZEBULON
I must say, Mr. Tesla was quite an interesting fellow but I believe his decision to give a car the ability to drive itself was quite a misstep.
EFFIE
But one that we benefitted from greatly.
ZEBULON
And there we were, in Las Vegas, Nevada of all places.
EFFIE
Not at all a place for a couple of God-fearing souls such as us. With all that card-playing and scantily-clad-ness we at least needed to get ourselves to a town with less gambling and more pants on the ladies.
ZEBULON
And so we struck out on the road, didn’t we, dear?
EFFIE
It was lovely, wasn’t it?
ZEBULON
Never seen the Mojave before.
CASPAR
Wait, how did you recharge the car?
EFFIE
There was no need. Every time we felt our vehicle running low on steam we’d park ourselves in a nice shady spot and wait for another.
GLORIA
So you two left a trail of dead Teslas everywhere you went?
ZEBULON
Well, we don’t approve of stealing.
EFFIE
We do not, but surely the Lord would understand in a situation such as ours.
ZEBULON
And perhaps fewer automobiles on the road is not the worst of ideas.
EFFIE
Especially those that can drive themselves around, that’s a tale of hubris right there.
ZEBULON
And then we found ourselves in your backyard.
EFFIE
I had myself a feeling about this place. I knew we were somewhere in your vicinity.
LEIF
(On the roof.)
You can’t achieve entanglement across dimensional barriers, that’s insane!
AVA
(On the roof.)
Oh, and you know this because of all the research that’s been done on trans-dimensional travel?
LEIF
(On the roof.)
You’re just making shit up now!
AVA
(On the roof.)
I’m a theorist, Leif, making shit up is may jam!
EFFIE
How long are they going to go round and round?
GLORIA
We haven’t had any new information for several months. This story about these three sisters has got them pretty excited.
CASPAR
So, you two didn’t remember them either, huh?
ZEBULON
Shocking to say, but no. It wasn’t until you began to recount the story that it all came back to us.
GLORIA
I think they’re both a little jealous.
EFFIE
Oh? Do tell.
GLORIA
I think Leif’s a little jealous that Caspar was on an adventure with someone else and Ava is a little jealous that someone else got to abuse Caspar for a while.
EFFIE
True to form. So, here we all are, where to next do we think?
GLORIA
Honestly, it doesn’t look like we’re going anywhere, we’ve been stuck here for months.
EFFIE
Let’s not roll around in the dirt, Gloria. We’ve been down many a time, never out.
ZEBULON
And let us take stock of our blessings. We are all together. That has always been good news for us.
EFFIE
And bad news for those that need some bad news.
ZEBULON
We are safe and sound at least.
EFFIE
There appears to be worse places to be stuck.
ZEBULON
And Caspar. Your son.
CASPAR
Yeah. It’s been really weird.
ZEBULON
All this time and you land in his back yard.
CASPAR
Yeah... It’s been good. He’s still testing the waters, I think. He tries to make me mad a lot, trying to see how I’ll react.
GLORIA
He’s pretty great, Caspar.
CASPAR
Yeah, he is.
LEIF
(From the roof.)
Caspar!
CASPAR
Yeah.
LEIF
Where did you say they were headed?
CASPAR
Cryptessia.
LEIF
Okay... Okay I think I figured something out, y’all better come up here.
CASPAR
Here we go again.
THEY MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE BACK OF THE DINER.
GLORIA
How’s your head? That was a lot of new information for you.
CASPAR
Yeah. That was really weird, a whole lot of memories just rushed at me.
GLORIA
I guess it was bound to happen eventually.
CASPAR
Sure... I’ve got an entire lifetime just sleeping somewhere in my brain.
GLORIA
This has never happened before?
CASPAR
There’s been small random things. Nothing like this. Do you think they’re going to suggest opening up my skull?
GLORIA
Eventually, sure.
AVA
So what is this place you’re talking about?
LEIF
I’m bringing up the star maps. This is bad!
GLORIA
How’s he doing?
AVA
Leif’s still a little drunk but I think it’s actually helping, can we get him drunk more often?
GLORIA
No.
LEIF
Okay, here’s the deal. Caspar’s old friends are in a lot of trouble. They’re sending us a distress call.
GLORIA
Why?
CASPAR
Also how?
LEIF
You say they’re headed to Cryptessia.
CASPAR
Yeah.
LEIF
That’s bad.
GLORIA
What’s Cryptessia?
LEIF
It’s a galaxy.
AVA
Why have I not heard of this galaxy?
LEIF
You have. To an Earthling it’s Leo.
AVA
Aha.
LEIF
It’s bad.
AVA
Why is it bad?
LEIF
I’m going to show you. So, there was a lot of talk about Cryptessia a while back in The Triad. Mainly, because it was next. The Teds had dominated The Milky Way, Andromeda, and Triangulum, and Crytpessia was the next closest place. People liked to fantasize about somehow getting to a place where there were no Teds. Every once and a while you’d hear about some crank who had discovered a stable wormhole that would take you to Cryptessia, but it was always bullshit. The only ones who had a solid plan to get there: our old friends, The Teds. The Teds were going to get to Cryptessia, open up the biggest warp gate they’d ever built, and then proceed to fuck up that galaxy as well.
GLORIA
These assholes again?
LEIF
The only problem with The Ted Empire’s plan to get to Cryptessia? Time. The Teds would need to get to Cryptessia to open up the other end of their warp gate and they would have to get there the old fashioned way. No warp gates, just firing up the engines and burning for a long time. It was going to take them decades but, as we speak, there is a fully automated Ted ship headed there right now. Apparently Caspar’s old pals had a plan to use the diner to get there before the Teds.
EFFIE
So these sisters were a group of Oklahoma Sooners, is what you’re saying.
LEIF
Essentially.
GLORIA
That doesn’t sound like a bad plan, but how did they know the diner was going to take them there?
LEIF
Caspar, you were saying one of them had figured out how to predict the diner’s path?
CASPAR
Libuza. She had this massive computer mainframe thing called a Vistek that was hooked up to her brain.
GLORIA
How’s it possible to predict where we go?
AVA
It sounds like superdeterminism.
GLORIA
Hoo boy. What is that?
AVA
The idea that free will doesn’t exist and that everything is predictable.
GLORIA
... Okay I’m just going to take that part of the conversation and put that right over here and then we’re going to just move on.
AVA
Great.
GLORIA
She has a thing that predicts the future.
AVA
Sure, let’s say that.
GLORIA
And she used it to figure out how the diner would take them to this galaxy, Cryptessia.
AVA
Yes.
GLORIA
Again, it sounds like a good plan.
LEIF
It’s a very bad plan. Let me show you why.
LEIF FIRES UP THE COMMAND CENTER.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Okay, everybody look up on the Zenith.
GLORIA
Oh, this is good, we need more visual aids around here, FYI.
LEIF
This is the local group, AKA The Triad. There’s us, The Milky Way, there’s Andromeda, home of the original coalition, there’s Triangulum, where we blew up the wind chimes. Off to the side here is Leo, a dwarf galaxy AKA Cryptessia. That’s where these three sisters were headed, that’s where The Teds are headed. Have I mentioned that that’s bad?
CASPAR
No, Leif, you haven’t mentioned that.
AVA
I haven’t heard anything about it.
GLORIA
And Leif is getting to the point in five, four, three...
LEIF
Okay look. I’m a pirate.
EFFIE
Leif, it still gives me the humors when you say that.
ZEBULON
Oh yes, oh yes, a pirate, he.
LEIF
Pirates are not logical creatures. We are superstitious, we are metaphysical, we are often drunk and high.
ZEBULON
You are often wearing odd pants.
EFFIE
You are often grogg-drinking while bird-shouldered.
CASPAR
Did the Mucklewains get funnier while they were away?
AVA
I think so?
LEIF
I’m being serious here.
GLORIA
Said the drunk guy with the tiny robot.
LEIF
Do you want to hear this or not?
GLORIA
I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Continue.
LEIF
... Even lawless people have laws they make for themselves. Pirates don’t listen to anyone, but they do respect at least one thing: “Here be dragons.” That ominous warning at the end of a map...
LEIF ZOOMS IN THE MAP.
LEIF (CONT’D)
This is a map of Cryptessia.
HE ZOOMS IN AGAIN.
LEIF (CONT’D)
This is quadrant 4 of Cryptessia.
HE ZOOMS IN AGAIN.
LEIF (CONT’D)
This is the outer edge of quadrant 4... I zoom in one more time...
LEIF ZOOMS IN AGAIN.
CASPAR
... What the fuck is that?
GLORIA
It... looks like an egg.
EFFIE
Oh, I do not like that at all.
AVA
Leif, why is there an egg on a stellar map?
LEIF
It’s not an egg. I think it’s a solar system. A solar system that’s entirely cloaked.
AVA
How do you cloak an entire solar system?
LEIF
I have no fucking idea. But that’s the only explanation I’ve ever been able to come up with.
CASPAR
I don’t like it.
AVA
If it’s cloaked, why can we see it?
LEIF
My guess? They don’t mind people knowing they’re there. They just don’t want people to know what they’re up to.
CASPAR
Like tinted windows on a limousine.
GLORIA
Who is “they”?
LEIF
So it goes like this: Caspar has some old friends. They somehow send him a distress call. As soon as they do, we’re attacked and stranded in Pasadena. And his friends just happen to be in the same galaxy as this thing. Whatever it is... Back when we were wrapping things up with Clementine, I said something to Ava.
“There’s somebody new in town.”... I think they just said hello... “Here be dragons.”
GLORIA
So this is all connected.
LEIF
I think it is. Or I’m just drunk. But I could also be drunk and right. Which happens sometimes.
GLORIA
Leif, correct me if I’m wrong, but galaxies are big.
LEIF
They are.
GLORIA
Even the dwarf ones.
LEIF
Yes.
GLORIA
Why would one weird egg looking thing in one part of this galaxy have anything to do these three sisters being in trouble, it could just be a coincidence.
LEIF
This is the other thing about Cryptessia: There’s nothing going on there. Look at The Triad: three galaxies full of civilizations, some of them highly advanced, a lot of them space-faring. Sure it’s got it’s undeveloped pockets like the one we’re sitting on right now, but generally speaking it’s a well-developed system. But then, right next door, is Cryptessia. There are civilizations there, sure. But none of them appear to be space-faring, none of them appear to be advanced in any way. Compared to The Triad, Cryptessia is Amish country.
AVA
And you think that’s because of Satan’s Easter Egg on the screen here.
LEIF
I think so. Add to that: these three sisters headed there and then sent out a distress call. I think we’re off to the races.
CASPAR
That feels kind of thin, Leif.
LEIF
It’s all we’ve got to work with right now.
GLORIA
Even if Leif’s right, that doesn’t mean we’re off to the races. Why?
CASPAR
Because we’re stuck in Pasadena.
GLORIA
That’s right. Any ideas on how we get unstuck from Pasadena?
AVA
No.
LEIF
No idea.
GLORIA
Then even if it is a distress call we’re getting, there’s nothing we can do about it.
AVA
We can at least stay on top of the message. Odds are they’re going to reach out again. I can keep my eyes on Caspar’s brain, see if there’s anything we can get from the numbers they send.
GLORIA
Good.
CASPAR
Please keep your eyes out of my brain.
AVA
My eyes are going to be so up in your brain.
CASPAR
That sounds gross.
AVA
You sound gross.
LEIF
It really sucks that we get all this new information, and we still have to sit here.
ZEBULON
Worry not, Leif. At times all there is to do is light a fire and wait for the Lord to do his work.
LEIF
Guys, I’m not going to wait around for a sign from God.
GLORIA
Maybe not a sign from God, but we need some kind of something from somewhere.
LEIF
Fine, I’ll wait for a sign, but I’m not getting my hopes up.
CASPAR
What is that noise?
DOWN THE STREET WE HEAR AN ENTIRE HERD OF SHEEP. THE SHEEP SLOWLY TRAVEL DOWN THE EMPTY STREET AND THEN COALESCE AROUND THE DINER. THEY BLEET THEIR CONFUSION INTO THE NIGHT SKY.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Uh... sheep.
GLORIA
The uh... the diner is surrounded by sheep, is this a Pasadena thing?
CASPAR
There is not an annual running of the sheep in Pasadena.
ZEBULON
Oh my.
AVA
What the what?
LEIF
This is fucked up, what’s happening right now?
CASPAR
Maybe they escaped?
LEIF
From where?
GLORIA
Any ideas what’s going on right now?
ZEBULON
Gloria, if it helps, I believe this is a herd of Lincoln Longwools. Fetch a nice price on the open market.
EFFIE
Zebulon loves to knit with a Longwool, y’all, I’m wearing those sock right now, dear.
ZEBULON
I look down yonder and all I see is socks.
GLORIA
That doesn’t help, Zebulon, but thank you.
AVA
I’m going down there.
CASPAR
Ava, c’mon, don’t go into the weird sheep.
AVA
It’ll be fine.
AVA HEADS DOWN THE LADDER.
CASPAR
What if they’re radioactive?
AVA
Caspar, I promise not to go down and see the sheep if you can explain to me exactly what “radioactive” means.
CASPAR
... It means bad.
AVA
Bye.
ZEBULON
Never thought I’d say this, but this situation calls for a loom.
DOWN IN THE PARKING LOT, AVA IS AMONG THE SHEEP.
AVA
Hello fuzzy things... what are you telling me?... What are you telling me right now... Sheep sheep sheep sheep... sheep... Okay... A priori assessment: interrupted system due to unknown intervention, results of interruption not random therefore system in place, what is the system? What is the system in place, sheeps? Random and constant catalyst sent into dormancy, where does a catalyst go? Where does it rest? Without said catalyst... What continues? System continues without the catalyst... system imbalance. System imbalance? System imbalance leads to upstarts.
Mutations in response to a vacuum. What is the vacuum’s causal chain? The catalyst leads to the vacuum leads to the upstarts leads to the mutations. The Fine-Tuned Universe, David... dissonance... looking to resolve a chord...
AND JUST AS QUICKLY AS THEY ARRIVED, THE SHEEP DISAPPEAR INTO THIN AIR.
AVA (CONT’D)
Ohhh baby.
CASPAR
... Okay... They have disappeared now.
GLORIA
Sure... sure they did.
LEIF
What in the transdimensional-sheep is going on here?
GLORIA
Ava?
AVA
That was excellent. That was great stuff.
EFFIE
Don’t worry y’all, I’m sure that wasn’t a sign from God.
GLORIA LAUGHS.
CASPAR
What?
GLORIA
Anyone else feel normal for the first time in months?
AVA
Yes.
LEIF
Kind of.
CASPAR
I guess so.
GLORIA
Okay... Okay, now we’re talking... Ava can you-
DOOR CHIME.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
And she’s gone... Okay, we know where she’s headed. Get her some coffee, don’t get too close.
EFFIE
Is she doing that business where she goes off and bakes us a little cake?
GLORIA
Welcome back, Mucklewains.
ZEBULON
Good to be back, Gloria.
GLORIA
I’m going to sleep.
CASPAR
How can you go to sleep after that?
GLORIA
I’ve got to work tomorrow, Caspar. Besides if I’m tossing and turning I’ll just... count sheep.
MORNING IN THE KITCHEN. GLORIA COOKS WHILE CASPAR RECEIVES ANOTHER MESSAGE FROM KAZI. HE WRITES DOWN THE NUMBERS AS SHE RECITES THEM.
KAZI
(In Caspar’s head.)
1... 4... 1... 5... 9... 2... 6... 5... 5... 8... 9... 7... 9... 2... 8... 4... 6... 2... 6... 4...
CASPAR
Ow... This better be fucking worth it, Kazi.
GLORIA
More numbers?
CASPAR
Yeah.
GLORIA
That’s the third time this morning. I guess the damn broke or something.
CASPAR
Or something.
GLORIA
Are you writing them all down?
CASPAR
Yeah.
GLORIA
Good.
CASPAR
How’re you doing in here?
GLORIA
Well, Caspar, I’m sorry about the annoying voice in your head but I’m doing great.
CASPAR
I can tell.
GLORIA
Comeback trail, Caspar.
CASPAR
Sure.
GLORIA
Did you go across the street and get those beers?
CASPAR
Oh, yeah. Why am I buying beer at nine AM?
GLORIA
Modelo Especial?
CASPAR
It’s Modelo Especial, yes.
GLORIA
Give me one.
CASPAR HANDS HER A BOTTLE. SHE CRACKS IT OPEN AND POURS IT INTO A GLASS.
CASPAR
Are we celebrating?
GLORIA
No. You take a lime... And you squeeze it into the beer... Then a pinch of salt... then... a little secret family recipe hot sauce...
CASPAR
You’re going to drink that?
GLORIA
No.
LEIF ENTERS THROUGH THE BACK DOOR.
LEIF
I feel like I am dead.
GLORIA
Here, drink this.
LEIF
Okay...
LEIF DRINKS THE WHOLE THING.
LEIF (CONT’D)
This works... What is this?
GLORIA
Michelada.
LEIF
Good. Another?
GLORIA
Sure.
LEIF
Okay. Ava still the prime minister of Mathistan?
CASPAR
Yeah, she’s been going all night.
LEIF
Cool. New numbers?
CASPAR
Yeah, third time this morning.
LEIF
Let’s see... Huh... well that was easy.
CASPAR
What?
LEIF
It’s Pi.
CASPAR
The numbers are Pi?
LEIF
Yeah.
CASPAR
Why is she sending me Pi?
LEIF
It’s deliberately incomplete. See here. That string is pi but all the eights are missing. This one is seven, this one is three.
CASPAR
What’s that about?
GLORIA
They want us to assemble all the missing numbers.
LEIF
That’s what I’m thinking. Not the most ironclad code in the world. I thought you said they were all geniuses.
GLORIA
Well, it had to be simple.
LEIF
It did? Oh, right.
CASPAR
What?
LEIF
It had to be a simple code.
CASPAR
Why?
GLORIA
Because of who she’s sending it to.
CASPAR
Goddamnit, the amount of times I get called an idiot in a given day.
GLORIA
Sorry.
LEIF
I’ll keep collecting numbers. The more numbers we get more I’ll have a clear picture.
CASPAR
So I’m just a walking telephone right now.
LEIF
Basically.
CASPAR
Great.
LEIF
Hey. Tell me again about the last time you were attacked. It was usually The Teds but the last time it was someone else?
CASPAR
Yeah. It was pretty terrifying. Guns didn’t work on them, grenades didn’t work.
LEIF
And how did you get rid of them?
CASPAR
Actually, it was the first time I ever did Colorado Southpaw.
LEIF
Really?
CASPAR
Yeah.
LEIF
You lured them into the deep freeze?
CASPAR
Right.
GLORIA
Hang on. What?
CASPAR
... Colorado Southpaw.
LEIF
It was... It was one of the ways Caspar and I used to get rid of undesirables.
GLORIA
You would lure people into the deep freeze?!
LEIF
... Yes?
GLORIA
Undesirables?
LEIF
Really bad people, Gloria. Only when we had to.
GLORIA
You told me Vladimir was the only one to get lost in there.
LEIF
Yes...
CASPAR
That is true...
LEIF
He was the only one to get lost in there... on accident.
GLORIA
How many goddamn people did you send into the deep freeze?!
LEIF
Not a lot.
CASPAR
A handful.
LEIF
I think twelve.
CASPAR
Well with these other three that’s now-
LEIF
Fifteen people, tops.
GLORIA
Don’t send people into the deep freeze!
CASPAR
Well we can’t anymore, Gloria.
LEIF
I fixed the door.
CASPAR
Leif fixed the door, also, a certain somebody decided to go and domesticate the wolves, now they’d only be in danger of getting cuddled to death.
GLORIA
... Why was it called Colorado southpaw?
CASPAR
Colorado Southpaw... C.S.... Cold Storage...
GLORIA
It was just a fucking clown car around here until I showed up, wasn’t it?
CASPAR
Confirmed. I need to bring Ava some more pencils, I’d better get to sharpening.
GLORIA
... Fine.
CASPAR STARTS SHARPENING PENCILS.
CASPAR
Hey, Leif, what was the deal with their Dad? They kept talking about how their Dad was some important guy?
LEIF
Krok, right?
CASPAR
Maybe.
LEIF
It’s probably bullshit.
CASPAR
What’s probably bullshit?
LEIF
Well, if you’ll forgive the extra helping of Triad lore: in The Triad, before the Ted Empire came along and connected everything with warp gates, huge swaths of The Triad were controlled by warlords.
CASPAR
Warlords?
LEIF
Yeah. Genghis Khan style. They had an armada of ships and they hopped from star system to star system conquering planets. As you can imagine with warlords, they were all pretty colorful, right? Everybody had a gimmick. Emperor BugBug Had a ship the size of a moon, Capo the Sartorius was a centipede, The Croad Nation were actually a pile of telepathic rodents, Kalasin was a quote-unquote Void Witch, you get it.
CASPAR
Sure.
LEIF
The most interesting of the lot was this guy Krok. Krok the Propigator.
CASPAR
The Propigator?
LEIF
Yeah. Military genius, apparently. Krok conquered his own planet, then he built a fleet of ships and conquered a big patch of Andromeda. He would find a dysfunctional planet, conquer it, get married, have some kids, then get back on his ship and do the same thing on the next habitable planet. Krok the Propigator.
CASPAR
How many times can you do that in one lifetime?
LEIF
Well, that was the other thing about Krok. Krok claimed that he was a direct descendant of this ancient race that initially populated The Triad. They lived for centuries and moved from planet to planet, and Krok claimed that he could have kids with a lot of different races because he was everyone’s common ancestor.
CASPAR
But you think it’s bullshit.
LEIF
Yeah, I think it’s PR. A great way to hype yourself up if you’re putting together a crime syndicate or a rebellion is to say you’re a descendant of one of these old warlords. Highly unlikely they’re actually related to Krok if you ask me.
CASPAR
Okay, how about the more pressing issue of how I’m hearing a voice in my head.
LEIF
I’m working on it. But look, Ava’s onto something, The Mucklewains are back, there was sheep in the parking lot, exactly how they’re piping a voice into your head is a bit of a side-quest right now, so it’s a little further down the list.
CASPAR
Great. Well, enjoy your cocktail, I’m going to go refill Ava’s coffee and try to not get beheaded.
GLORIA
Good luck!
CASPAR WALKS OUT INTO THE DINING ROOM. THE RADIO IS PLAYING MUSIC. DAVID WALKS IN.
CASPAR
Hey.
DAVID
What’s up?
CASPAR
You’re here.
DAVID
I am.
CASPAR
What’s going on?
DAVID
I’m here.
CASPAR
You were here yesterday.
DAVID
Are you not open?
CASPAR
No, no, it’s great I just thought Saturday was our day.
DAVID
Don’t say “our day”.
CASPAR
I’m sorry I thought Saturday was the day that you come by in a very non-committal, could-happen, might-not-happen, don’t-worry-about-it, kind of way.
DAVID
Better.
CASPAR
What’s up?
DAVID
I came to see Gloria, actually.
CASPAR
Great.
DAVID
You fixed the radio.
CASPAR
We did. Sounds great, doesn’t it?
DAVID
I get it now. With the radio, I get the vibe.
CASPAR
Sure. Vibes. So, Gloria’s in the back but, hey, since you’re here, you should probably learn what I’m about to do.
DAVID
What do you mean?
CASPAR
As you can see to my right here, Ava is currently writing in one of her books.
DAVID
She always is.
CASPAR
This is a very special time, though. Every once and a while she kind of goes on a tear and loses contact with time and space and literally won’t talk to anyone until she’s done with whatever she’s got going on. If she’s disturbed during this time, it is bad for everyone. However, pencils get worn down, coffee gets drunk, occasionally we have to go in for a re-supply.
DAVID
This is ridiculous.
CASPAR
Oh yes, David. Yes it is. But here we are. As you can see I have a pot of coffee in one hand and in the other hand a cup of sharpened pencils. We move slowly toward the booth, come with me, here we go... The trick is to move so slowly that you could be mistaken for furniture. Is that someone moving towards the booth or is it my imagination? Who can say... Now we’ve arrived at the booth, I set down the pencils, I pour the coffee.
CASPAR POURS COFFEE.
DAVID
Hey, Ava.
CASPAR
Sh sh sh sh sh sh sh. Our task accomplished, we slowly move away until we are at fifty feet minimum safe distance... Okay. And I do that about once an hour.
DAVID
... What is going on with you two?
CASPAR
What?
DAVID
What is going on with you two?
CASPAR
I’m sorry, what’s that, David, I can’t hear you?
DAVID
What is going-
CASPAR
I’m sorry what’s that David I can’t hear you.
DAVID
...
CASPAR
It’s not a thing to be talked about.
DAVID
You’re-
CASPAR
Sh sh sh sh sh sh sh sh... It’s Orpheus in the underworld, kiddo. You turn around and the lady vanishes. C’mon, Gloria’s in the kitchen.
EFFIE
(Whispering to Zebulon.)
... Well. Look at that nice young man that just walked in, Dear.
ZEBULON
He appears to have grown up quite nicely hasn’t he?
EFFIE
It just steams me up that we’re not able to talk to him.
ZEBULON
I believe Caspar’s head would quickly leave his body, were we to do that.
EFFIE
And since when is that a reason to not do a thing?
ZEBULON
I’ll admit it is tempting to reach out and say hello, but we must reconsider our comportment now that we’ve returned home. Don’t want to send anyone screaming out the front door and all.
EFFIE
...
ZEBULON
... Dear?
EFFIE
Something ain’t right.
ZEBULON
Oh my, what appears to be trouble?
EFFIE
I ain’t sure yet... hmmmm... I am getting the feeling that... yes... we have a snoop.
ZEBULON
Beg pardon?
EFFIE
Someone’s snooping.
ZEBULON
A snoop.
EFFIE
Someone is sniffing around our environs and I don’t like it one bit.
ZEBULON
Who could it be?
EFFIE
I’m unsure... keep an eye out husband.
ZEBULON
My eyes are out...
BACK IN THE KITCHEN.
DAVID
So y’all are just having cocktail hour in the kitchen?
LEIF
It’s a special occasion.
DAVID
What’s that?
LEIF
I’m hungover.
DAVID
That’s ridiculous and also where’s mine?
GLORIA
I’ll make you one.
DAVID
Hey, am I crazy or did my phone tell me this morning that not only was the Tesla Bandit an unmanned car but that it also crashed and burned right in front of your place last night?
GLORIA
...
CASPAR
...
LEIF
...
GLORIA
I didn’t hear anything about it.
CASPAR
I don’t know what you mean.
LEIF
Don’t look at me, I was drunk.
DAVID
Uh huh.
CASPAR
Gloria, David is actually here to talk to you today.
GLORIA
Oh really? I feel special.
DAVID
You should, I went to work on the weekend for you.
GLORIA
You did? Why?
DAVID
I told you, I was going to look you up.
GLORIA
David, you didn’t have to do that.
DAVID
I know, but I was curious.
GLORIA
David, I was the first generation of my family born in America, you’re not going to find anything in Los Angeles.
DAVID
Oh, but I did.
DAVID OPENS A FILE AND TAKES OUT A PHOTOGRAPH.
GLORIA
Who is that?
DAVID
That’s your great grandmother.
GLORIA
... Shut up.
LEIF
No way.
CASPAR
Holy shit.
GLORIA
That’s... how do you know?
DAVID
It took some doing. I had to coordinate with some city archivists in Tucson and Phoenix.
CASPAR
Who just happened to be at work on the weekend too?
DAVID
We have a group chat. It is filthy.
GLORIA
Are you sure about this?
DAVID
Are you saying I don’t know my business?
GLORIA
David, why would my family come all the way up here from Mexico and then go back down to Mexico?
DAVID
She was from here.
GLORIA
What?
DAVID
She was born here. Here are the records, see? San Gabriel Township, 1898.
GLORIA
“Narisca Tujunga.”
DAVID
That’s her.
GLORIA
That’s not a Mexican name.
DAVID
She wasn’t Mexican.
GLORIA
What.
DAVID
She was Kizh (pronounced “Keech”).
GLORIA
I don’t...
DAVID
Gloria, you were saying you don’t have a connection to this place? Your family history goes back all the way to the very first damn human beings to ever set foot in damn southern California. The Kizh. They were here for thousands of years before the Spanish. They had trade routes up and down the coast, they studied astronomy. You have a deeper connection to this place than most people.
CASPAR
That kind of looks like you, Gloria.
GLORIA
How did I not know about this?
DAVID
It’s easy to miss. This photo was taken on her wedding day. It looks like she worked in a tequila bottling factory. She married a man named-
GLORIA
Alejandro De Mendoza.
DAVID
That’s right. He brought barrels of tequila up from Mexico to be bottled. I’m guessing that’s where they met, and she moved with him down to Mexico.
LEIF
Wow.
CASPAR
David, this is amazing.
DAVID
Not bad, right?
GLORIA
She’s beautiful.
LEIF
Caspar, outside for a minute.
GLORIA
Tell me everything.
CASPAR
We’ll be right back.
CASPAR AND LEIF WALK OUT THE BACKDOOR.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
What’s up? What’s happening?
LEIF
Ava and I have been trying to find out what the fuck is happening to us.
CASPAR
Right.
LEIF
A big part of that is “why here, why now?”
CASPAR
Okay.
LEIF
The chances of us being here on accident is nearly zero.
CASPAR
Why?
LEIF
Because of what just happened in there. Your son is here, Ava used to work here, I almost worked here.
CASPAR
You almost worked here?
LEIF
Yeah. JPL flew me out for a job interview in college.
CASPAR
I’m sure that went well.
LEIF
It was actually a pretty fun week, I stole a cop car.
CASPAR
Jesus Christ, dude.
LEIF
Anyway, the thing that was making it feel more random was Gloria, because she doesn’t have any connection to this place.
CASPAR
But now she does.
LEIF
Exactly.
CASPAR
So what does that mean?
LEIF
I don’t know. Are we here on purpose?
CASPAR
I don’t know.
LEIF
We need Ava back, let’s go check on her.
CASPAR
Okay.
CASPAR AND LEIF WALK BACK INSIDE.
DAVID
It doesn’t surprise me that she moved away. That was a bad time in history to be a Kizh. Then again, the only good time for the Kizh was before any white people showed up.
CASPAR
Speaking of white people showing up. Hi.
GLORIA
What’s going on, you two?
CASPAR
Uh, Leif just told me something really funny that I think Ava would love, we’ll be right back.
DAVID
What was so funny?
LEIF
It’s a scientist thing. Inside science joke.
DAVID
What?
CASPAR
We’ll be right back.
DAVID
... Remind me to get to the bottom of that later.
CASPAR
(Popping back in.)
Hey, David, thank you so much for doing this, this is amazing.
DAVID
It’s no problem.
GLORIA
David, you’re blowing my mind right now.
DAVID
I’ll admit, I was not expecting what I found.
GLORIA
My grandmother always said something about having indigenous in the family, but I always thought she meant Tepehuanes or something, since that’s where she was from. This... wow.
DAVID
... Hey, listen...
GLORIA
... What?
DAVID
I’m assuming the old man’s told you the whole story right? About him and me?
GLORIA
Yeah, he’s told me.
DAVID
So... I know what it’s like to want to leave... to have to leave... I get it... Okay?
GLORIA
What are you talking about, David?
DAVID GETS ANOTHER PIECE OF PAPER OUT OF THE FILE.
DAVID
Gloria, this is a missing persons report filed by a man named Cesar Benitez...
GLORIA
... Oh...
DAVID
... You’ve been missing for four years, Gloria.
GLORIA
...
DAVID
...
GLORIA
... David-
DAVID
It’s okay... Look, I get into it with people. When I get into a room I tag every person I don’t know and I get right into it with them, figure out what their whole deal is. Maybe it’s a survival thing. Maybe I’m looking for threats... But I know when to stop... I’m stopping now, okay?
GLORIA
... Okay.
OUT IN THE DINING ROOM.
CASPAR
She’s gone.
LEIF
She’s gone.
CASPAR
(Whispering.)
Mucklewains, what happened to Ava?
EFFIE
(Whispering.)
She’s come to, y’all. She’s out in the parking lot.
LEIF
I see her, let’s go.
CASPAR
Okay.
EFFIE
(Whispering.)
Well, take us too, dang it!
CASPAR
Sorry!
THEY ALL WALK OUT INTO THE PARKING LOT.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
What is she doing?
AVA
Talk to me, Colorado Boulevard.
LEIF
Ava?
AVA
C’mon....
CASPAR
Ava I think you may need to lay down.
AVA
Good idea.
AVA LAYS DOWN ON THE GROUND.
CASPAR
Not in the parking lot.
AVA
It’s fine... What’s been going on?
LEIF
David uncovered that Gloria’s great-grandmother is from here.
AVA
No shit?
LEIF
No shit.
AVA
Nice.
CASPAR
Leif was saying that might mean something.
AVA
Oh it means something alright.
CASPAR
What?
AVA
I mean, I know, but I don’t know.
CASPAR
Okay.
LEIF
Why are you out here now?
CASPAR
What did you discover in the math hole?
AVA
Whoever fucked with us was unable to fuck with us in the way they wanted to fuck with us.
LEIF
How do you know that?
AVA
Because of gophers.
LEIF
... Uh...
CASPAR
Has it finally happened, have we finally broken Ava?
EFFIE
Hang on y’all, she’s finally speaking our language. Tell us about the gophers, Ava.
AVA
Any problems with gophers on the farm, Mucklewains?
ZEBULON
Well, as I say there is death, there is taxes, and there is rodentia. All are inevitable.
AVA
And how do you get rid of gophers?
ZEBULON
There are multiple ways, none of them foolproof.
EFFIE
You can set traps, also try and poison them.
ZEBULON
But the traps can be avoided, and the poison’s just no good to have around the house.
EFFIE
Remember John Pruitt?
ZEBULON
Oh my, yes, John Pruitt down the way used to work in a silver mine and knew his way around explosives.
EFFIE
Old John would grow frustrated at times and start shoving sticks of dynamite down in the gopher holes.
ZEBULON
You could hear him for miles.
EFFIE
We told him he was out of his head for turning his farm into the battle of Gettysburg but his only response was “Works don’t it?”
ZEBULON
Which it did, but solving the problem of holes in your farmland by putting even bigger holes in your farmland seems barely a solution.
EFFIE
That’s correct.
ZEBULON
One too many times down the mine for John if you’re asking me.
AVA
And if none of that works?
ZEBULON
Well, you could try sticking a garden hose down one of the holes and flooding the entire subterranean metropolis they’ve built.
AVA
Right. That’s the one I’m talking about. You pump water into a gopher hole and the gopher gets flushed into its network of holes. But it can only end up in a place it’s already been to.
We were attacked and we were flushed back through our gopher hole.
CASPAR
We’ve never been here with the diner though.
AVA
But we each have a connection here. Something that connects us to this place. It’s a connection we all have in common.
CASPAR
There are hundreds of places we all have in common.
AVA
Right. That part was random. We could’ve ended up on Thegrion or Ice Age Earth or the outskirts of Triangulum, anywhere we have a connection to. But we ended up here.
LEIF
So it’s random that we ended up here, but there’s only a certain number of places we could’ve ended up?
AVA
Yes. There’s something about connections, I’m not sure what, something about entanglement between different versions of ourselves. There’s a whole ecosystem out there. Its not just an assemblage of dimensions, there’s... an environment.
CASPAR
And I’m reeling you back in, Ava.
AVA
Right. Whoever attacked us wasn’t in control of where we go, they were just trying to flush us out with a garden hose.
LEIF
Interesting.
EFFIE
I’ve got a question about sheep coming up, Ava.
CARS SUDDENLY SWERVE IN THE STREET AND HONK AS A MASSIVE FLOCK OF DUCKS COMES WADDLING DOWN THE STREET, ALL OF THEM QUACKING.
LEIF
What the fuck?
CASPAR
Ava?... Ava there’s ducks now.
AVA
Mad. Scientist. Thundercrash.
ZEBULON
Hate to say it but things are getting downright familiar around here.
CASPAR
Ava, goddamnit with the ducks, what is happening?
AVA
This is what happens when you fuck with the system, you idiots!
LEIF
Who are you talking to?
AVA
Whoever!
CASPAR
Ava.
AVA
We know now that the diner is a natural catalyst. A change agent. Almost like a natural force like erosion or the tides or something. But it’s been shuttered. We’ve been out of business for eight months now. That doesn’t change the need for it, that doesn’t change how the universe works it just throws things out of whack! It’s like pressure is building up slowly, and eventually that pressure is going to express itself somehow.
LEIF
Express itself with ducks?
AVA
Or sheep!
CASPAR
Why is it ducks or sheep?
AVA
Because it turns out the universe is a little bit silly!
EFFIE
So we’re just going to keep getting livestock strolling down the street?
AVA
I don’t know, it could be anything!
LEIF
This is going to keep happening?
AVA
Oh yes. It’s going to be ridiculous.
CASPAR
Shit.
LEIF
David’s here.
CASPAR
Shit!
LEIF
We need to get him out of here.
CASPAR
We’ve got to get him out of here. Shit. I can’t just tell him to leave, it could screw things up.
LEIF
And how will it screw things up when a herd of oxen starts walking down the street?
AVA
That would be dope.
CASPAR
Fuck, I’ll tell him there’s a gas leak or something.
EFFIE
Y’all, may I offer a suggestion?
CASPAR
What?
ZEBULON
Effie and I have discussed this at length.
EFFIE
I’m sure ya’ll are about to concoct some sort of story to get that young man gone before the strangeness makes itself known.
CASPAR
Yes, what do you suggest?
ZEBULON
Nothing, Caspar.
CASPAR
What the hell are you talking about?
EFFIE
Caspar, that is a fine young man, you have there. He’s polite without harming sincerity, he’s up for a fight when need be, and he has taken it upon himself to rebuild bridges when they’re broken.
CASPAR
I agree.
ZEBULON
But Effie and I are afraid that this work with him has begun with deception.
CASPAR
Oh, come on.
ZEBULON
Now, we understand there needed to be a bit of that.
EFFIE
You didn’t want him to think you’d sprung a leak in your head.
ZEBULON
But now, here we are, amidst a cadre of sheep and ducks and whatever’s to come.
EFFIE
And we say to heck with it.
ZEBULON
Sometimes we wish to obscure ourselves to keep the ones we love nearby. They cannot possibly want to see our true selves, so we are always putting on a show, a performance to keep them in their seats.
EFFIE
And while all that’s understandable, it is still proceeding in dishonesty.
ZEBULON
And so we have decided: to heck with it.
CASPAR
You want me to just be honest with him? That I’m from an alternate reality and I ride on the back of a time-traveling, dimension-spanning diner?
EFFIE
Listen to yourself say it, Caspar. Doesn’t it feel good to just say it.
ZEBULON
"Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body."
EFFIE
I, for one, think that boy would be proud to know who his father truly is. I can assure you, that we are.
ZEBULON
So much time spent hiding our strangeness from others. So much time spent being ashamed of our true selves. Enough, my friend.
CASPAR
I think you’re forgetting that part of that honesty is me saying I’m not his father.
ZEBULON
Have you ever felt more like a father than in this moment? Is that enough to call yourself a father?
CASPAR
... Okay, look. Let’s break up this weird little meeting okay? Leif can you go brief Gloria? I’ll keep acting like we’re a diner until... I don’t know, until the next thing happens.
LEIF
Sounds good. Ava, what are you going to do?
AVA
I’m good right here.
LEIF
On the ground?
AVA
Well, Caspar’s about to ask me if I want a club sandwich, so I’m good.
LEIF
Okay. Give me the radio.
AVA
Leif, the numbers in Caspar’s head, they’re pi?
LEIF
Yeah.
AVA
But one number’s missing each time?
LEIF
Yeah.
AVA
It’s spatial coordinates.
LEIF
Is it?
AVA
It’s a distress call right? They’re telling us where they are. They’re giving us spatial coordinates, we add timing conventions and an Earth bias?
LEIF
Aha. Okay, I’ll go see how many more numbers we need.
AVA
Nice.
LEIF
And for what it’s worth, I agree with the Mucklewains. We’ve been trying to pretend we’re Earthlings for eight months now. Let’s just be us.
LIEF WALKS BACK INSIDE.
CASPAR
Do you want a club sandwich?
AVA
I thought you’d never ask, schmoopie.
CASPAR
Okay.
AVA
Caspar.
CASPAR
Yeah?
AVA
The Mucklewains are right.
CASPAR
Yeah.
CASPAR WALKS BACK INSIDE. AVA IS APPROACHED BY A PAIR OF HIGH HEELS.
FRAN
Ava...
AVA
Frelp!
FRAN
What are you doing on the ground?
AVA
Well, believe it or not, I’m at work.
FRAN
Get up.
AVA
I can’t, I have a club sandwich on the way.
FRAN
What?
AVA
What are you doing here, Fran? Ooh! Did you bring our trophy?
FRAN
There’s no fucking trophy, Ava.
AVA
Could you have one made real quick?
FRAN
Ava get up!
AVA
Okay, okay, jeez. What’s going on, Frelp, what are you doing here?
FRAN
Trying to salvage what’s left of my career.
AVA
In the parking lot?
FRAN
You completely fucked up my life, Ava!!
AVA
I mean, fight club in the basement, Fran. It wasn’t fucked up already?
FRAN
Where’s the robot?
AVA
The robot? He has a name.
FRAN
Where is it?
AVA
I don’t know. Around. What’s going on, Fran?
FRAN
I’m here to collect it.
AVA
What?
FRAN
The robot, give me the robot.
AVA
Get your own robot.
FRAN GETS A LARGE CONTRACT OUT OF HER BAG.
FRAN
Do you know what this is?
AVA
No autographs, please.
FRAN
It’s your contract with JPL. Can I direct your attention to page 19, subset D?
AVA
Please do, it’s my favorite of the subsets.
FRAN
Everything you make while under contract with Jet Propulsion Laboratory belongs to us. Give me the robot.
AVA
I didn’t make the robot.
FRAN
I’ve discussed this with our lawyers and technically speaking you were on the creative team that designed said robot, therefore it belongs to us, give me the robot.
AVA
No.
FRAN
Ava!
AVA
Frelp!
FRAN
I don’t know what I was thinking inviting you last night. I mean, of COURSE you were going to ruin it.
AVA
That’s a sick burn, Fran, but I have to agree.
FRAN
We had a good thing going down there. It was a nice way to blow off steam at the end of the month. And then along comes Ava.
AVA
That’s what you get for inviting me.
FRAN
We had a few new users watching online last night. Two of them were Fireball XL 5 and Manglerfish. Guess who they really were?
AVA
Hall and Oats?
FRAN
The Deputy Secretary of Defense and the goddamn Secretary of Defense himself.
AVA
...Oh.
FRAN
Yeah, Ava... Oh. After your little display last night, I spent the rest of the night begging not to be fired!
AVA
How is this my fault?
FRAN
Because everything was fine until you showed up!
AVA
Are you sure?
FRAN
Give me the robot.
AVA
No.
FRAN
Give me the robot!
AVA
Fran, It’s not mine to give. It’s Leif’s, and knowing him he’s probably already given it some sort of nascent consciousness and now it wants to pursue a singing career. And his name is Peter, by the way.
FRAN
I don’t care if his name is Lord Braxton von Wendell the Third, give me the robot!
AVA
That name’s actually really great, not sure why we went with Peter, but still: No.
FRAN
I was warned all my life to stay away from toxic people like you.
AVA
Fran, you’re an HR person about to get fired for HR violations, I can’t hear you over the sound of you throwing stones around in your glass house.
FRAN
(Breaking down.)
... I’m just... I’m so tired...
AVA
Oh god.
FRAN
I’ve been up all night on the phone making promise after promise, I had to promise things to congressmen, Ava. Do you have any idea what that’s like?
AVA
No, but hey! I’ve been up all night too, so I know what that’s like.
FRAN
Why have you been up all night?
AVA
There was this thing earlier with sheep, don’t worry about it.
FRAN
What happened to you? You used to just be mean but now you’re mean and weird.
AVA
Fran, flattery will get you nowhere. Come on inside, have some coffee, you’re about to rip your own skin off.
FRAN
... You’re not going to give me the robot, are you?
AVA
No, of course not.
FRAN
I could sue you.
AVA
Sure, whatever. Come on.
INSIDE THE DINER.
CASPAR
Welcome to Midnight Burger, what can I get you?
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A. Nice place? Just open?
CASPAR
Yes and no.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Last time I was in Pasadena I did not remember seeing this place.
CASPAR
It’s a crazy world we live in, things aren’t there and then they are.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Of course.
LEIF
Hey, Caspar? Real quick, apparently there’s someone here from JPL who’s trying to take Peter away from us and just so we’re clear: from my cold dead hands.
CASPAR
Sure, okay? Is that who Ava’s talking to?
LEIF
From my cold dead hands, okay?
CASPAR
Yeah, okay, fine.
LEIF
I’ll be on the roof.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A. Leif Thorvaldson.
CASPAR
... I’m sorry, what?
LEIF
... Caspar, why don’t you let me take this table?
CASPAR
Okay... sure...
LEIF
...
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
...
LEIF
... Can I help you?
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Where you been, Leif?
LEIF
Who the hell are you?
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
...Ever think about Ettore Majorana?
LEIF
...
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
I think about him a lot... You know, Fermi thought Majorana was the next great genius. The next Galileo. He was one of those men who was set to reshape the universe as we knew it. And then, suddenly, in 1938, right before Europe turned into a battlefield... poof.
Withdraws all his money from the bank, buys a boat ticket to Naples, writes a cryptic letter... And then he was gone... Lots of fun theories out there, what’s your favorite?
LEIF
...
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
They range from the sad to the heroic. He fled because of pressure from the Italian government to work on the nuclear bomb: very heroic. He went mad and spent the rest of his life as a beggar: sad. I imagine the real answer is somewhere in between.
LEIF
Majorana emigrated to Argentina.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Yes, sure, that’s the official line, but that investigation happened seventy years later. I’m meant to trust the governments of Italy and Argentina after seventy years? I don’t think so.
LEIF
...
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
It’s a fascinating thing isn’t it? When a brilliant man runs away from his own brilliance. Decides to live the simple life... Never works though. That’s what they say... destiny is never really done with you, it’s just waiting for you to slip up... And then, there I was last night watching a live stream of a robot fight.
LEIF
So who are you? DOD? NSA?
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Oh no, nothing so barbaric, Leif. I’m a scientist, just like you. Just a man trying to move society forward.
LEIF
Uh huh... DARPA.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Kyle Parrino from DARPA. Nice to meet you.
LEIF
I’ll give you three minutes to get out of here.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Hey! Whoa! Leif, I’m not here to make trouble! I’m here to make peace.
LEIF
How the fuck did you get me? Facial recognition?
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
No actually, we were trying something new. Gait analysis.
LEIF
Jesus Christ.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
When you did that dramatic walk away from the camera is when we got you. Did you know that we can identify a human being’s identity within the 99th percentile simply by analyzing how they walk? It’s fascinating technology.
LEIF
After all this time?
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Leif, you disappeared from a top secret government project, taking years of research with you, did you think we were just going to say bygones?
LEIF
What do you want?
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Well, big picture? You. We’ve got tabs on you now and I’m sure you’ll be doing all sorts of wonderful work for us in the years to come, but where to start, right? Well, I suppose we’ll start with a robot. That little buddy of yours is, I’m thinking, three decades ahead of current technology? Terrorist cells all over the world are not going to know what hit them when they’re suddenly raided by a squad of adorable, eighteen inch robots.
LEIF
Over my dead body.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Leif, don’t be ridiculous.
LEIF
You listen to me, you fucking anus. I’m not Ettore Majorana. I’m not a frail Italian physicist. I’m not a genius recluse surrounded by equations.
You need to forget you ever saw me or I make everything bad for everybody. You want me to crash the Western Interconnected System? You want California to go back to the stone age? Don’t test me.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Whoa whoa, Leif. Slow down! That wasn’t a terrorist threat to a government agent was it? You’re just making it worse! Sidebar: I love where your head’s at. Crashing electrical grids? Great stuff! Let’s talk more.
LEIF
Three minutes and you’re gone!
LEIF WALKS AWAY.
EFFIE
Leif?... Leif? Leif, hold up! Leif!... Durn it.
ZEBULON
Seems we’ve found the snoop, dear.
LEIF STORMS INTO THE KITCHEN.
LEIF
Fucking unbelievable! Fucking UNbelievable!
GLORIA
Leif, what’s wrong?
LEIF
I decide to go to one goddamn robot fight to just blow off some fucking steam and now I’ve got some goon from DARPA breathing down my neck! Of all the fucking organizations it had to be those goddamn sociopaths!!? They think they can fuck with me?!
CASPAR
Leif.
LEIF
I guess it’s time to blow up some firewalls, I guess it’s time to post their entire fucking database on Craigslist missed connections!!
CASPAR
Leif!
LEIF
This guy is going to regret ever coming here, I’m going to empty his bank accounts and donate the money to the Audubon Society!!
CASPAR
Leif!!
DAVID
What’s DARPA?
LEIF
... David... Hey... I uh... I forgot you were here.
DAVID
Don’t mind me. Please, continue.
LEIF
Uh... so... you know I’m just... having a hard day.
DAVID
I get it. Believe me, the number of times I’ve had a hard day after a late night robot fight? I can’t even count them.
LEIF
Yeah, you know, it’s a hobby of mine.
DAVID
The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency... is what DARPA stands for.
LEIF
... Yeah.
GLORIA
See, David, Leif has had a very long and interesting life.
LEIF
I have.
GLORIA
He’s done some crazy things.
LEIF
Yes.
GLORIA
And we think that’s just great.
CASPAR
Good God.
LEIF
I’m just having to deal with some stuff from my past is all.
DAVID
Uh huh.
GLORIA
It happens. I mean, everybody has had a life, right?
DAVID
See, the fun part is, I get to just sit here until y’all get tired. Y’all tired yet?
GLORIA
Leif. Maybe take your frustrations to Ava’s booth right now?
LEIF
Yes. Good idea. Okay.
GLORIA
Bye... So, David-
DAVID
I think I’ll have another Michelada. How about you all?
GLORIA
... Sure.
OUT IN THE DINING ROOM.
EFFIE
Leif! Leif Leif Lief, durn it!!
FRAN
Ava, I am begging you. I can’t get fired again.
AVA
Again? Fran, how many times has this happened?
FRAN
In America?
LEIF
Hey. Hey Fran.
FRAN
Chut.
LEIF
Some fucking homunculus from DARPA is here and he’s trying to take Peter.
AVA
What?
FRAN
WHAT? Where? Where is he?
LEIF
Over there, what are you-
FRAN
Out of my way, out of my fucking way!
LEIF
What’s happening?
AVA
Fran is here for Peter too.
LEIF
Fucking hell, seriously?
AVA
Seriously.
LEIF
Goddamn I let my guard down for one fucking second.
AVA
Wait, Leif. The DARPA guy is here for Peter?
LEIF
Yes.
AVA
This is good.
LEIF
Why?
AVA
Leif... Let... them... FIGHT!
FRAN
(Across the dining room.)
You! Outside! Right fucking now!
THE BACKDOOR OPENS AND CASPAR WALKS OUT.
CASPAR
... Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
DAVID WALKS OUT AS WELL.
DAVID
Have y’all thought about getting one of those slushie machines that makes margaritas?
CASPAR
We don’t have a liquor license.
DAVID
... Oh really?
CASPAR
Yes, regulations are... very important to us, David we... really try and keep things on the up and up around here.
DAVID
... You know Mom’s in Denver now.
CASPAR
Really?
DAVID
Yeah. She said she wanted to take up skiing.
CASPAR
Okay. Yes, it’s a shame there are no places in California you can do that.
DAVID
She’s been there four years now, she has not learned to ski.
CASPAR
It’s not like the mountains are going anywhere.
DAVID
Sometimes she’ll have a couple of drinks and she’ll call me.
CASPAR
Oh no.
DAVID
Oh yes. It is amazing, it’s better than Netflix.
CASPAR
I’m sure.
DAVID
She doesn’t talk about you as much as I think she wants to. But she did say this to me once... she said that you were bound and determined since birth to be boring and angry.
CASPAR
Well, that’s sweet of her.
DAVID
I have to say... I’m not seeing it.
CASPAR
I think that was probably true back then.
DAVID
Well, what happened? Because things are just starting to unravel around here and it is delicious. I mean, it was surprising enough that you had a Facebook page.
CASPAR
... David I had a Facebook page because I needed people to be able to get in touch with me no matter what, because my son ran away from home. You may have heard... So if you’re wondering what happened to me... that. That happened. And then a whooooooole bunch of stuff after that... Your mom’s not wrong. It’s not a bad description of me... Growing up with your grandmothers... it was not a picnic. Grandma number one would forget her head if it wasn’t screwed on to her body and grandma number two, Jesus, the number of times I had to stop her from getting into a fist fight in the grocery store... I strove for boredom, okay? Boredom was the goal. And then you came along and... you would not be told anything... Ever... What I should’ve done was figure out who you were, and then figured out how to work with it... Instead I just fought you every step of the way, still striving for that boredom... I’m really very sorry, David.
DAVID
... I forgive you.
CASPAR
Good.
DAVID
... You know I kind of knew this already. We really didn’t need to have a whole moment out here by the dumpster.
CASPAR
Yeah, I know. But I needed to get it in under the wire.
DAVID
What do you mean?
CASPAR
Because you’re right. things here are about to unravel so much that it’s going to make a pile of loose yarn the size of Mount Fucking Whitney.
GLORIA SWINGS THE BACK DOOR OPEN.
GLORIA
We’ve got a problem in the parking lot.
CASPAR
See what I mean?
THE PARKING LOT. IT IS AN INTERDEPARTMENTAL GRUDGE MATCH.
FRAN
We have clear, CRYSTAL clear agreements with the federal government over our projects, you can’t just breeze in here and take them!
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
I’m sorry, eminent domain?
FRAN
We’re government contractors, you can’t claim eminent domain over something that the government already owns by the transitive property.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Well if we already own it, why is it not in may possession right now?
FRAN
Because you don’t get to decide! This robot is the property of JPL until otherwise pending government procurement!
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Well that just sounds like a bunch of red tape to me, this robot is going to belong to us, it’s just a matter of time.
FRAN
Then you can wait in line right behind all the other agencies.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Yeah, we don’t really like to do that. We kind of just do what we want.
FRAN
Not today you don’t. NOT today!!
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Should I start making calls? Is that what I need to do?
FRAN
Oh, you want to make calls? Is that how you want to play this? I’ve got nine senators and twenty-seven congressmen on speed dial.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Let me just scroll to where my phone says “House Majority Leader”, do you think that might trump your fun little phone list?
FRAN
How about I get on the phone with all his major donors?
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Oops, look at that, I pressed “call” guess I’m calling him.
FRAN
You want to push me? You want to push me? I just came off a juice cleanse and I am ready to fuck somebody up!
LEIF
I like Fran now.
AVA
Right?
GLORIA
Who the hell are these people again?
LEIF
That’s Kyle from DARPA and Fran from JPL. You’re witnessing a good old fashioned interdepartmental infight.
FRAN
Get ready for an all-caps text message Tsunami, asshole!
GLORIA
At one point we had a conversation about “laying low” and I feel like government agents arguing in the parking lot is very much NOT that.
AVA
The Mucklewains said we don’t have to do that anymore.
GLORIA
Oh they did?
ZEBULON
Well, perhaps we didn’t mean THIS-
GLORIA
Okay, I need to be at all the meetings now. Do you see what happens?
EFFIE
Gloria, we only meant-
GLORIA
ALL of the meetings.
CASPAR
Hey. What’s going on?
GLORIA
Well uh... Hey David.
DAVID
What’s happening in the parking lot? Is this a dance off, because those two are not dressed for it.
GLORIA
It’s... hmm.
CASPAR
It’s okay, Gloria.
GLORIA
Okay. These two people are fighting over a robot that Leif made.
DAVID
A robot?
GLORIA
Yes, it’s... It’s called Peter and a lot of people want it.
DAVID
So he’s selling it?
GLORIA
No, no, these two government officials are saying that the robot belongs to them.
DAVID
Why?
GLORIA
Because... they can?
DAVID
Fuck that.
LEIF
Thank you, David.
DAVID
You seriously made a robot that the government is trying to steal?
LEIF
I did, you want to meet him?
DAVID
Hell yes.
FRAN
How’s your one phone call going? Because I’ve just sent fifty-seven texts and nineteen strongly worded emails?
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
You’re about to get a call. The number will be unlisted, I suggest you take it.
FRAN’S PHONE VIBRATES.
FRAN
... Hello?... Hello, sir... yes... yes... yes, of course, sir... Of course sir, I understand...
FRAN ENDS THE CALL.
FRAN (CONT’D)
... I hope that robot malfunctions and chops you into tiny pieces, you goon.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
It’s been great meeting you.
LEIF
Fuck.
AVA
C’mon, Fran. That’s it?
FRAN
Ava... I really wish you’d taken that extra month of leave.
AVA
There’s got to be something you can do.
FRAN
There is. It’s time once again to buy a bottle of wine and update my Linkedin... Fuck my life... Goodbye, Ava.
FRAN WALKS AWAY.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Well. That was fun. Leif, I’ll be needing that prototype and any data you have on it. I’ll be taking that right now.
LEIF
No, you won’t.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
I thought you’d say that. So... now I’m going to call what’s known as an acquisition team and things are going to get very messy. Don’t bother going anywhere, Leif. We have you on satellite.
KYLE WALKS AWAY.
LEIF
That’s it.
LEIF WALKS INSIDE.
GLORIA
Leif?... Oh God.
WE MOVE TO INSIDE KYLE’S CAR. HE ACTIVATES A COMMUNICATION DEVICE.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Did you get all that?... Yeah, he’s off his rocker, this guy’s one step away from another Ted Kaczynski. Grab him and the robot... his friends? Keep an eye on them, maybe we need to use them as leverage.
LEIF IS NOW OUTSIDE THE CAR. HE TAPS ON THE WINDOW.
LEIF
Open the door.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Oh, Jesus, he’s outside my car now, this is so pitiful.
LEIF
Open the fucking door.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Go ahead and move in... hang on, he’s got something in his hand.
LEIF FIRES UP THE LASER-SAW.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A. (CONT’D)
What the fuck is that?!
LEIF STARTS CUTTING INTO KYLE’S CAR. HE IS LITERALLY CUTTING IT IN HALF.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A. (CONT’D)
HOLY FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK!
LEIF
GET OUT OF THE CAR!!
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
HE’S CUTTING MY CAR IN HALF!! HE’S CUTTING MY CAR IN HALF!
LEIF
LAZER-SAWWWWWWWW!
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
MOVE IN NOW!! MOVE IN NOW!!
LEIF
PETER IS MINE!
KYLE’S CAR FALLS OPEN LIKE A HATCHED EGG.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
Holy Shit!! What the fuck, Leif!!
LEIF
I would say get out of your car but your car doesn’t have an inside anymore!
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
You’ve really fucked up, Leif! I don’t know what that thing is but it belongs to us now! And since I don’t know what else you’ve got hiding in this diner, how about I just take the whole thing?!
SEVERAL CARS ROLL UP TO THE DINER. AGENTS JUMP OUT OF THE CARS.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A. (CONT’D)
Give me the megaphone! (Into the megaphone.) Attention, anyone in the building. Evacuate immediately. Midnight Burger is now property of the united states government!
LEIF
Oh yeah?
A SQUADRON OF DRONES TAKES FLIGHT FROM THE ROOF OF THE DINER
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
What... what is that? Are those our drones?
THE DRONES UNLEASH A HAIL OF FLECHETTE NEEDLES ONTO THE PAVEMENT.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A. (CONT’D)
Oh fuck! Everybody back!
LEIF
Anyone sets foot in this parking lot, I turn them into a voodoo doll!
DAVID
Ho. Lee. Shit.
ZEBULON
I think Leif may have taken our advice just a bit too far, dear.
GLORIA
Leif, what the fuck are we going to do now?
LEIF
It’ll be fine.
GLORIA
We’re all going to get fucking arrested.
DAVID
Did you open a diner with a bunch a fugitives from the government?
CASPAR
You’re getting warmer.
DAVID
This is the craziest shit I’ve ever seen.
AVA
Hold that thought, David.
WE HEAR MASSIVE FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.
KYLE PARRINO FROM D.A.R.P.A.
What’s that sound?... What is... Oh my God.
WE HEAR THE LOUD AND GHOSTLY CALL OF A MASSIVE ANIMAL. IT IS LUMBERING DOWN COLORADO BOULEVARD. CARS SCREECH TO A HALT AND PEOPLE BEGIN TO RUN IN FEAR.
DAVID
What in the motherfucking hell...
AVA
That’s a bit of a step up from sheep and ducks.
CASPAR
Is that what I think it is?
LEIF
Yep.
GLORIA
That’s my girl. She may be grounded but she’s still keeping it weird.
DAVID
It’s four fucking stories tall.
THE ANIMAL CONTINUES DOWN THE STREET.
CASPAR
Hey, Gloria, give me the radio, would you?
GLORIA
Sure.
DAVID
What is happening?
CASPAR
Come inside.
CASPAR AND DAVID WALK INSIDE.
DAVID
That’s not a real thing that exists.
CASPAR
Sit down.
THE SIT AT A BOOTH.
DAVID
What...
CASPAR
It’s called a Mungo. Don’t worry, it’s a plant eater.
DAVID
...
CASPAR
Before we start, I need you to meet some friends of mine.
ZEBULON
Hello, David. It is our absolute pleasure to meet you. I’m Zebulon Mucklewain, here with my wife, Effie.
EFFIE
Hello, David.
CASPAR
... I have a very long story to tell you.
THE END