Chapter 33: Everybody Down
IN THE SILENCE WE HEAR A VOICE.
LIBUZA
Once upon a time there were three sisters: A healer, a warrior, and a seer. Their father had died, his enemies all around.
The seer looked, and she saw a great city. A city that shined. Whose light could be seen by anyone who looked. A city that had not been built. They would build it themselves.
But the fertile ground on which the city would grow, was in a land too far away...
Then the seer saw a man. The man would travel in an impossible ship. A ship that could go anywhere, but could not be steered.
But the seer could see where the ship would go next. The three sisters boarded the ship and traveled a long way. And just as the seer foretold, it brought them to the far off land where they would build the city in her visions.
They left the man and his impossible ship and began their work...
But there was something that the seer could not see...
It was a dark place. A place where light dies.
She could not see this place. But it could see her.
A dark army issued forth from this place, and sought to undo the great work of the three sisters. Constantly under attack, the seer had another vision.
... That the strange man in the impossible ship must return...
... This is the story I was told...
A TEA KETTLE’S WHISTLE FADES IN. THE KETTLE IS REMOVED FROM THE BURNER. WE ARE IN THE MUCKLEWAIN’S FARMHOUSE. IT IS LATE AT NIGHT AND EFFIE IS MAKING TEA.
ZEBULON
Another sleepless night?
EFFIE
I appreciate you having a sleepless night right along with me, dear, but there’s no need.
ZEBULON
One of the pitfalls of sharing a life. You share in the joy but also share in, well, night’s such as this... you’ve been having bad feelings again?
EFFIE
Nothing new about that, I’ve had them before... It’s different this time.
ZEBULON
How so?
EFFIE
My visions in the past have been like looking at something from far off. Like it’s on the other side of the field and I can just make it out. Like seeing a deer move out of the woods.
ZEBULON
And how does it feel this time?
EFFIE
... Like it’s looking back at me.
ZEBULON
... Perhaps we should fire up the radio? Check in on our friends, make sure everything’s right in the world.
EFFIE
They’re all asleep, as we should be.
ZEBULON
Just to check.
EFFIE
... I suppose it couldn’t hurt, make yourself some tea.
EFFIE CROSSES TO THE RADIO AND FIRES IT UP. WE HEAR THE WHINE OF TRANSISTORS AND THE BUZZ OF ELECTRICITY.
EFFIE (CONT’D)
Hey there, y’all. Anybody up at this ungodly hour? Caspar? Ava?... Gloria? Leif?... Nothing.
ZEBULON
Worth a try.
EFFIE
This is ridiculous, what am I even doing?
ZEBULON
Nothing wrong with checking in.
EFFIE
... I feel as though all that time we spent chasing around Clementine nearly ended us.
ZEBULON
That it did, but as is always the case, it has made us stronger.
EFFIE
I’m just a bit jumpy, is all.
ZEBULON
... How about some pancakes?
EFFIE
Pancakes?
ZEBULON
Yes.
EFFIE
Dear, it’s two in the morning.
ZEBULON
And?
EFFIE
Are you turning my sleeplessness into an excuse to eat pancakes?
ZEBULON
I may be.
EFFIE
Are these pancakes of yours going to fix my sleeplessness?
ZEBULON
They may. And if they do not, at least we’ve had some pancakes.
EFFIE
Your point is well heard. Go on, off to the kitchen with you.
ZEBULON
Off I go.
ZEBULON (CONT’D)
(From the kitchen.)
In peace I will both lie down and sleep-
EFFIE
For you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety. Yes, I know it. There is the word and there is the world, dear...
ZEBULON
(From the kitchen.)
I was reading the other day that the ancient Egyptians used lettuce juice to aid them in sleep.
EFFIE
I’m sorry, they used what?
ZEBULON
(From the kitchen.)
Lettuce juice.
EFFIE
Zebulon, if you come out into this living room with the juice of a head of lettuce-
ZEBULON
(From the kitchen.)
I think I know better than to do that, dear... how does one even juice a head of lettuce?
EFFIE
Let’s leave that as a mystery of the ancient world, shall we?
ZEBULON
(From the kitchen.)
Agreed.
EFFIE FIRES UP THE RADIO AGAIN.
EFFIE
Caspar?... Ava?... What am I doing?
SHE SHUTS OFF THE RADIO AGAIN. AFTER A MOMENT, WE HEAR A SOUND FAR OFF. FOR A BRIEF MOMENT, EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE SHAKES.
EFFIE (CONT’D)
Zebulon.
ZEBULON
I felt it as well... Perhaps a storm?
EFFIE
No... Not a storm...
THE SOUND OF THE DINER TRAVELING SLOWLY FADES IN. WE BEGIN TO HEAR A FAINT VOICE.
KAZI
(In Caspar’s head.)
3... 1... 4... 1... 9... 2... 6... 3... 8... 9... 7... 9... 3... 2... 3... 8... 4... 6... 2... 6...
CASPAR
OW! Fuck!
KAZI
(In Caspar’s head.)
4... 3... 3... 8... 3... 2... 7... 9... 0... 2... 8... 8... 4... 1... 9... 7... 1... 6... 9... 3... 9... 9... 3... 7... 1... 0...
THE NUMBERS CONTINUE OVER AND OVER AGAIN AS CASPAR TRIES TO WAKE UP AVA.
CASPAR
Ava... Ava!
AVA
No.
CASPAR
Ava wake up.
AVA
No.
CASPAR
Ava!
AVA
What?!
CASPAR
Do you hear that?
AVA
Hear what?
CASPAR
Numbers.
AVA
Numbers?
CASPAR
Yes.
AVA
What are you talking about?
CASPAR
Numbers over and over again.
AVA
I’m not hearing anything. What are you talking about?
CASPAR
... You’re not hearing anything?
AVA
No... Caspar what’s going on?
CASPAR
... I woke up because it felt like I had a nail in my head and I was hearing numbers.
AVA
... Ok...
CASPAR
You’re not hearing anything?
AVA
No... What... What are the numbers?
CASPAR
I don’t know.
AVA
Are you hearing them right now?
CASPAR
Yes.
AVA
... Tell me the numbers.
CASPAR
Um... 9... 2... 6... 3... 8... 9... 7... 9... 3... 2...
AVA
...
CASPAR
... What is happening to me?
AVA
Listen. You’re fine.
CASPAR
There’s a voice in my head, Ava.
AVA
Caspar. Definitely not the weirdest thing you’ve encountered.
CASPAR
Those things were on the outside of me.
AVA
Keep telling me the numbers.
CASPAR
Uh... 7... 9... 3... 2... 3... 8... 4... 6... 2... 6... What if I can’t make it stop?
AVA
Caspar. Listen to me. That’s not going to happen.
CASPAR
How do you know?
AVA
Because I won’t let it happen. Keep telling me the numbers.
CASPAR
8... 3... 2... 7... 9... 0... 2... 8... 8... 4...
AVA
You’re doing great.
LEIF BURSTS THROUGH THE BACK DOOR.
LEIF
INCOMING!!
AVA
What?!
LEIF
INCOMING, EVERYBODY DOWN!!
A WAVE OF ENERGY HITS THE DINER AND WE GO SPINNING OFF INTO SPACE/TIME. SILENCE. WE SLOWLY BEGIN TO HEAR THE SOUND OF A CITY BUS DRIVING DOWN A CITY STREET. A PHONE STARTS VIBRATING.
DAVID
What’s up?... Well where do you think I am, I’m on the bus. My third bus, which is ridiculous... Yeah I’ve heard of cars, I hear they’re popular... He is? What is he selling?... Uh huh... You know what the problem is? People assume I don’t have a car in Los Angeles County because I can’t afford one. Because of that large assumption do you know how many people I have coming to me like “My cousin is selling his car, my grandmother died and we’re getting rid of her car, have you heard of this new website that gives you a car whenever you need it?” I get this non-stop... Uh huh... Yes... Yes, it’s true, I am sitting here on my third bus in the last hour, heading into Pasadena and that is the choice I have made... Because-... Would you listen to me damn it?... Nobody gets to tell me to own a car if I don’t want to. My feet, my brain, my wallet, my phone, my headphones. Every day, me versus Los Angeles, armed with all that, okay?... This is not me being anything, this is me saying no. People should say that more often. I am the Pope of the Church of Nope... Well, I’m surprised you asked because you’ve heard this from me about eighty-six times... It’s been going fine... Yeah, we have breakfast on Saturday, I make fun of him, we argue, I go home, we do it again next week... We argue about whatever... I never need to talk afterward, that’s probably why I keep doing it... Uh huh... well I’d love to but I’m busy planning the party that I throw at the end of the year. Yeah, see I have a lot of money saved at the end of the year because I don’t have a car. I’d offer you an invitation but it’s only accessible by bus. Uh huh... This is my stop I’ve gotta go.
THE BUS LURCHES TO A STOP AND THE DOORS SWING OPEN. DAVID WALKS OFF THE BUS AS HE SAYS GOODBYE TO THE DRIVER.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Ernesto, you have a good day.
THE DOORS CLOSE ON THE BUS AND IT PULLS AWAY FROM THE CURB.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Pasadena. The city on the hill...
WE HEAR SMALL MECHANICAL WHEELS OF AN AUTOMATED DELIVERY DRONE DRIVING DOWN THE SIDEWALK.
DRONE
Delicious food, coming through... Delicious food, coming through... Delicious food, coming through...
DAVID
The fuck...
DRONE
Delicious food, coming through... Delicious food, coming through... Delicious food, coming through...
DAVID
Hell no.
DAVID WALKS INTO MIDNIGHT BURGER.
CASPAR
Hey there.
DAVID
What the hell did I just see outside?
CASPAR
What?
DAVID
It was a robot with “delicious food”.
CASPAR
Oh yeah, I’ve been seeing those. They deliver food, they can get into elevators and everything.
DAVID
I have opinions.
CASPAR
Well, that’s unlike you.
DAVID
So the cost of having some kid walk a delivery up to the the ninth floor of a bank was just too much? Somebody had to innovate that?
CASPAR
Well, businesses don’t start in America because someone has a good idea, they start because it’s an idea that enough rich people can be hornswoggled into investing in.
DAVID
What is that word you just used with me?
CASPAR
Hornswoggled?
DAVID
You feel comfortable using that world in this modern age?
CASPAR
It’s a perfectly acceptable word.
DAVID
It’s a perfectly acceptable word for a Kentucky senator in 1836.
CASPAR
I’m bringing it back.
DAVID
You’ll fail in your endeavors.
CASPAR
I’m used to that.
DAVID
...
CASPAR
So how are you?
DAVID
I had yet another person try and sell me a car.
CASPAR
A lot of people like cars.
DAVID
I don’t like cars.
CASPAR
A lot of people like them, where would people be without a back seat to throw garbage into?
DAVID
...What do you drive?
CASPAR
Me? Why would I drive when I have robots to deliver food to me every day?
DAVID
I’m serious.
CASPAR
So am I. I spend most of my time here and I live, y’know, in the area.
DAVID
You know, I did not see you as someone who would wind up in the food service industry.
CASPAR
It’s almost like it chose me.
DAVID
Customer service does not seem like a strong suit of yours.
CASPAR
What are you talking about? I spent years honing my customer service skills at a venerated establishment known as the Department of Motor Vehicles.
DAVID
That’s not customer service, that’s triage.
CASPAR
They’re oh so similar, though.
DAVID
... So this is really it, huh? You own a restaurant in Pasadena, this is your life?
CASPAR
I’m part owner of a restaurant, but yes, this is my life.
DAVID
And you really think a greasy spoon like this is going to survive in one of the richest towns in California.
CASPAR
It’s been several months now, we seem to be doing fine.
DAVID
All these years, I did not expect this.
CASPAR
What did you expect?
DAVID
I don’t know. Living in a van.
CASPAR
Ouch.
DAVID
Sorry. I always thought mom was the one keeping you civilized.
CASPAR
Well, that’s a little bit true. I guess it’s funny, where people end up. Look at you, every Saturday you take three busses across Los Angeles just to go argue with yours estranged father.
DAVID
I don’t come here just to argue with you. The food’s also good. Gloria, how’re you doing?
GLORIA APPROACHES THE TABLE.
GLORIA
Hey David, I’ve got huevos rancheros for you, I stopped taking your order and just bring it now, that’s okay right?
DAVID
It’s all I need.
GLORIA
And I have oatmeal and fruit for Caspar.
CASPAR
Thank you.
DAVID
Oh, what the hell is that?
CASPAR
It’s oatmeal.
DAVID
Gloria?
GLORIA
Don’t ask. Coffee?
DAVID
Please... Look at that bowl of whiteness.
CASPAR
What’s wrong with oatmeal?
DAVID
A lot.
CASPAR
It’s very popular with Quakers.
DAVID
You’re not a Quaker.
CASPAR
Yeah, but do you ever feel like they know something that you don’t?
DAVID
No.
CASPAR
I decided to change my food habits.
DAVID
You’ve made a terrible choice.
CASPAR
See, the thing is, I used to be immortal.
DAVID
Oh really?
CASPAR
Yes. And then suddenly I wasn’t, so I figured I should switch to oatmeal.
DAVID
You’re a deeply strange person.
CASPAR
Why do you talk like that about the Quakers? They’re a society of friends.
DAVID
Uh huh...
CASPAR
... So how is the, uh, the graffiti business?
DAVID
Well, for the third time it’s not graffiti and for the third time, it’s not a business.
CASPAR
How is the street art going?
DAVID
It’s good, I’ve got a new piece up.
CASPAR
Oh yeah? Where?
DAVID
Don’t worry about it.
CASPAR
Okay.
DAVID
Explain the radio to me.
CASPAR
What do you mean?
DAVID
There’s an old radio next to the cash register, I’m assuming there’s a story.
CASPAR
Oh... It uh... stopped working about eight months ago, but we have a sentimental attachment to it.
DAVID
How old is it?
CASPAR
1925, I think.
DAVID
You should get it repaired.
CASPAR
I’m sure there’s some way to repair it but... It’s more complicated than it looks.
DAVID
Where is everybody? Where’s Ava?
CASPAR
Leif and Ava are currently in a meeting.
WE MOVE TO THE ROOF. DOWN BELOW WE HEAR THE SOUND OF ANOTHER DELIVERY DRONE.
DRONE
Delicious food, coming through... Delicious food, coming through... Delicious food, coming through...
AVA
What fresh hell?... Okay the sooner we start this the sooner it’s over... Leif.
LEIF
Hang on.
AVA
What are you watching?
LEIF
Local news, have you been seeing this guy?
AVA
What are you talking about?
LEIF
It’s been happening for three days now. Some guy steals a Tesla, leads the Police on a wild goose chase through the city until the battery runs out, then he escapes. This is his third day and his third Tesla, this guy’s my hero.
AVA
Leif, neither of us want to do this, can we do this?
LEIF
Yeah, fine. Okay.
AVA
I now call to order the nine millionth meeting of the Committee to Figure out What the Hell Happened to the Diner AKA the Committee to Figure Out What the Fuck is Happening AKA The Committee to Get us the Hell Off This Rock That Hates Us as Much as We Hate It.
LEIF
That last one’s a little wordy.
AVA
But appropriate.
LEIF
Where did we leave off?
AVA
We’ve abandoned the “Who did this to us?” Issue, right?
LEIF
Insufficient data.
AVA
And we’ve abandoned the “Malevolent Force vs Natural Phenomena” issue?
LEIF
Also insufficient data.
AVA
And we’ve arrived at “Why here? Why now?”
LEIF
Yes.
AVA
To sum up: We have been stranded here for 8 months on an Earth that bears a striking resemblance to our own.
LEIF
Confirmed.
AVA
We all had counterparts on this Earth. We have now confirmed that they have all vanished without a trace.
LEIF
Presumably taking off on a diner of their own.
AVA
With the exception of this Earth’s Leif.
LEIF
Who has been gone since 1994, just like I was.
AVA
You, me, and Gloria have all declined to interact with anyone we may know on this planet. Caspar agreed to be our test case, by logging into his Facebook page, wherein there was a message from his son.
LEIF
After making fun of him for having a Facebook page, we arrived here.
AVA
Yes. Why here, why now?
LEIF
The chances of us being stranded in this particular spot randomly are non-zero but very remote.
AVA
But here we are. Pasadena, California, 2025.
LEIF
A place that several of us have some kind of connection to.
AVA
I used to work here. You visited here for a job interview, Caspar’s son is nearby in Los Angeles, no connections that we know of for Gloria.
LEIF
We’re here for some sort of reason. But whatever it is, it’s not business as usual.
AVA
No. Because we are grounded.
LEIF
And the Mucklewains.
AVA
The Mucklewains have gone dark since we’ve been here.
LEIF
...
AVA
...
LEIF
So we’re back to the message again.
AVA
Once again we are back at the message. Right before we were hit by this mysterious force, Caspar was hearing a voice in his head. The voice was just saying numbers. We’ve looked at these numbers, and they don’t mean anything.
LEIF
The message could’ve been incomplete.
AVA
Yes. At this point we’re assuming that it is. Which means that we’re waiting for more data.
LEIF
But that brings me back around to it being a malevolent force that attacked us.
AVA
Why again?
LEIF
Caspar starts getting a message and then we’re attacked.
AVA
But look around. This isn’t an attack. If you wanted to attack us, if you wanted to strand us somewhere, where would it be?
LEIF
Bootes Void?
AVA
Exactly. Bootes Void is what? Sixty megaparsecs of nothing? If you wanted to get rid of someone and you could put them anywhere, you’d put them there. Not Pasadena, California.
LEIF
I’d prefer Boote’s Void, frankly.
AVA
It’s 330 million light years across, Leif.
LEIF
At least I’d know why I was there.
AVA
You need to get over your Earth hatred. We don’t know how long we’re going to be here.
LEIF
I’m fine. There’s only one of us that I’m actually worried about.
BACK DOWN IN THE DINER, GLORIA OPENS THE DEEP FREEZE AND WALKS IN.
GLORIA
Goddamnit.
CASPAR
It’s still just a deep freeze, Gloria.
GLORIA
I know.
CASPAR
... It just depresses you, you should probably stop coming in here.
GLORIA
I’m running a restaurant, Caspar, I need to come in here sometimes.
CASPAR
Then let me know, and whatever it is, I’ll get it out for you.
GLORIA
...
CASPAR
...
GLORIA
... I hope they’re okay.
CASPAR
The wolves got along fine without you for a long time, I’m sure they can fend for themselves.
GLORIA
What if I made them dependent on me?
CASPAR
Gloria, you made them deer stew every once and a while, you weren’t a zookeeper.
GLORIA
... What if they made me dependent on them?
CASPAR
You survived for a long time without them, too.
GLORIA
... Why is this happening?
CASPAR
I don’t know. But there’s two very smart people on the roof trying to figure that out. Which is good because you and I are definitely not going to figure it out ourselves.
GLORIA
... I hate this.
CASPAR
I know.
GLORIA
The wolves are gone, The Mucklewains are gone.
CASPAR
Let’s not say “gone”. They’re not here right now, but Leif and Ava are working on it.
GLORIA
They’ve been working on it for eight months.
CASPAR
Compared to the age of the universe, that’s not much at all.
GLORIA
I was given something great and it was suddenly taken away from me.
CASPAR
I know.
GLORIA
I don’t respond well to that, Caspar.
CASPAR
Nobody does.
GLORIA
Me, especially.
CASPAR
I know.
GLORIA
... I’m having to argue with food vendors again. I thought I was done with that. I spent yesterday afternoon in a half english, half Spanish argument with somebody named Flaco, because Flaco wasn’t getting me the tortillas I ordered. “Mami, you’re called Midnight Burger, what you need so many tortillas for anyway?”... Asshole.
CASPAR
... Look, why don’t I cover the floor for a while? Stay in the kitchen and I’ll cover the tables.
GLORIA
I’m fine covering the tables.
CASPAR
I know you are but you have to put on your waiter-face when you do, and I know you hate that.
GLORIA
David’s here, though.
CASPAR
I know he is, but seeing me wait tables will give him an opportunity to make fun of me, which he really thrives on.
GLORIA
Okay.
CASPAR
Okay.
GLORIA
Hey, listen. I know I sit here miserable in the deep freeze but please don’t take that personally. I know how great the past few weeks have been for you.
CASPAR
Yeah.
GLORIA
It’s really great that you can connect with your son again.
CASPAR
He’s not my son.
GLORIA
You really need to stop saying that.
CASPAR
He’s not my son, Gloria. This Earth belongs to some other Caspar and he’s out there somewhere. That’s the dad he’s looking for. I’m just... I don’t know what I’m doing, honestly. It’s just nice to see him okay.
GLORIA
Can you just be sure and enjoy it on my behalf? It’ll help me to know that something good is happening in the middle of all this bullshit.
CASPAR
I can do that, sure.
GLORIA
... I never thought I’d say this but... I’d really love to hear some old-timey music from an old record player right now.
CASPAR
Me too. But don’t worry. They’re out there, somewhere, lookin’ for ya’.
DAVID
(Outside the deep freeze.)
Good morning, Doctor.
CASPAR
Okay, David’s about to start talking to Ava, which can only be bad news for me, I’m going to get back out there.
GLORIA
Okay.
WE MOVE TO AVA’S BOOTH.
DAVID
I’ve eaten my breakfast and I have come to your booth for another physics lesson.
AVA
I’m a professional scientist, David, I don’t know how I feel about giving these lessons away for free.
DAVID
That’s fine, what do you charge?
AVA
Oh I’m far too expensive for you, David.
DAVID
It looks like you could use the work, aren’t scientists supposed to be in a lab?
AVA
A lab? How dare you?
DAVID
So you just sit here and write in these books all day?
AVA
Yes.
DAVID
What for?
AVA
Because Gloria hates it when I write on the walls.
DAVID
What are you writing? Let me see.
AVA
Okay...
DAVID
... Oh... Oh, I don’t like this at all.
AVA
What, you can’t read it?
DAVID
You can?
AVA
Of course I can, David. I’m a physicist.
DAVID
Physicists don’t speak English?
AVA
Not really, no.
DAVID
I’d like to put that to the test. Physics lesson, please.
AVA
The Fine-Tuned Universe, David.
DAVID
What is that?
AVA
Back at the beginning of the 20th century, this guy Lawrence Henderson wrote a book. And in this book he said “Hey, isn’t it weird that Earth seems so perfectly suited for life?” Which was a very smart thing to say, especially for a chemist. Then, a few years later some physicists started saying “Hey, it’s not just Earth, the whole freaking universe seems to be set up in a way that’s perfect for things like Earth to happen.”
DAVID
If that’s true, how come so many things in the universe can kill me?
AVA
Well, that’s a facile argument, David. How come so many things can’t? You are, my friend, a big pile of atoms.
DAVID
Is that physics trash talk?
AVA
No, David. You literally are. You’re a big pile of atoms and inside those atoms are protons and neutrons. Those protons and neutrons don’t really give a shit about each other, they don’t like hanging out but they’re bound together. They’re bound together by something called the strong nuclear force. A mysterious force that holds atoms together. If this force were just a little bit stronger? The universe would have no hydrogen, and if the universe has no hydrogen, then none of this happens.
DAVID
None of what happens?
AVA
Anything... so... why?
DAVID
I don’t know.
AVA
Me neither. So, because I don’t know, I write in that book. The answer is on one of these blank pages, I just don’t know which one.
LEIF SITS DOWN.
LEIF
I’m bored. What’s happening down here?
AVA
I’m giving David a physics lesson.
LEIF
Cool. Want an engineering lesson?
AVA
Nobody wants an engineering lesson.
LEIF
God forbid he learn something useful.
AVA
We already know how to use a wrench, so...
LEIF
Do you see that, David? Do you see the disrespect? Did you know in Europe there’s an X-Ray Free-Electron Laser Facility. I’m sure it was built by the research scientists there, I’m sure no engineers were involved.
AVA
Yes, and I’m sure that without the scientists working there it would be a really bad sculpture.
LEIF
I mean, I’ve seen the schematics on that place, I already know it’s a bad sculpture, you know how I know that? I’m an engineer.
DAVID
How on God’s green Earth did my father become friends with you two?
LEIF
I don’t know what you mean.
AVA
I know what you mean.
THERE’S AN ALERT ON DAVID’S PHONE.
DAVID
Hang on... Lord.
LEIF
What’s up?
DAVID
Nothing.
AVA
That was an alert on your phone and an exasperated sigh, David. What news?
DAVID
Whenever I come here, this friend of mine from work always checks up on me.
LEIF
Checks up on you?
DAVID
He thinks I’m due for some sort of strange emotional moment because I’ve been meeting with the old man.
AVA
Are you due for a strange emotional moment, David?
LEIF
Are you practicing self care?
AVA
Are you focusing on gratitude?
LEIF
Are you setting goals and priorities?
AVA
Are you staying connected?
DAVID
Don’t National-Public-Radio me. I’m fine.
AVA
Who is this guy?
DAVID
A friend from work.
LEIF
Hm... A significant friend from work, David?
DAVID
A friend from work.
AVA
Seems like more than a friend if he’s checking up on you emotionally.
DAVID
I don’t know why he does this. It’s weird.
AVA
Hm.
LEIF
Hm.
DAVID
What?
LEIF
You have a friend of no significance who is checking up your emotional well-being?
DAVID
Yes.
AVA
That’s weird.
DAVID
I know, I just said that.
AVA
Suspect.
LEIF
Very suspect.
AVA
Let me ask you this: Have you ever been to a party with this alleged friend of yours?
DAVID
With a group of people, sure.
AVA
I see. And the day after the party did he talk about the party as if the two of you had gone there together?
LEIF
Ignoring the fact you arrived with a group of people.
AVA
All he talks about is how the two of you went to a party and had a great time.
DAVID
... That may have happened.
LEIF
Hm.
AVA
Hm.
DAVID
What is happening?
LEIF
He’s trying to sideload a relationship.
DAVID
I’m sorry, what?
LEIF
Install software from an unlicensed third party.
AVA
He checks up on you like a boyfriend, recounts stories from last night like he’s your boyfriend.
LEIF
He’s hoping you’re going to wake up one morning to him making waffles and you’re not even going to notice that he’s moved in.
DAVID
... People really behave this way?
LEIF
Oh yes.
AVA
Happened to me. One time a guy brought his espresso machine over and didn’t even say anything.
LEIF
You woke up one morning and he had just put his espresso machine in your kitchen?
AVA
Yes.
DAVID
What did you do?
AVA
I threw it out the window.
DAVID
You threw a man’s espresso machine out the window?
AVA
Well, it was in my house, so technically it was mine.
DAVID
That’s not how that works.
AVA
That’s what the police kept saying to me, but I think they were wrong.
LEIF
The point is, it’s an insidious incrementalism, you’re a frog being boiled in water right now.
ANOTHER ALERT ON DAVID’S PHONE.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Is that him again? I bet that’s him again.
AVA
Do something extreme, tell him to give you five thousand dollars.
DAVID
Tesla bandit strikes again! Have y’all been following this guy?
LEIF
I’m obsessed with this guy, what’s happening?
DAVID
Today it was Santa Monica and Culver City. They lost him for a second, then they found the Tesla abandoned on Lincoln.
LEIF
This guy gives me hope for the future.
DAVID
I’m betting if he does it again tomorrow, Tesla’s got to make a statement.
LEIF
Ooh, that’s statement’s going to be a hot mess.
DAVID
It’s going to be something like “Just think of all the Teslas that aren’t being stolen right now.”
AVA
Is it really that easy to steal a Tesla?
LEIF
That’s the thing, it would take a little more savvy that your average car thief. I’m thinking he’s got a Jack in the Box.
DAVID
What is that?
LEIF
He’s probably got a homebrewed kit that fits in a backpack. He gets inside the car with a scanner then plugs in the box. Systems are all his after that. Pretty impressive.
DAVID
You think he’s an engineer?
LEIF
I don’t know if he’s an engineer, I know he’s definitely not a theoretical physicist.
AVA
There it is. Why don’t you go change something’s oil, Johnny Wingnuts?
LEIF
I would but we have more pressing issues.
DAVID
What’s that?
LEIF
We need to cheer up Gloria.
DAVID
What’s wrong with Gloria?
LEIF
She’s uh... homesick.
DAVID
Where’s she from?
LEIF
She’s homesick for Arizona.
DAVID
Arizona? Arizona’s terrible.
AVA
You’ve been to Arizona?
DAVID
Arizona’s terrible, why would I go to a terrible place?
CASPAR
Afternoon all. How are we doing over here? Who needs more coffee?
AVA
Did you make it?
CASPAR
I did not.
AVA
Then yes.
DAVID
What are you doing?
CASPAR
I’m helping out Gloria.
DAVID
That can’t be good for business.
CASPAR
This is what it’s like running a small business, Kiddo, sometimes it’s all hands on deck.
DAVID
Is this because she’s homesick?
CASPAR
What do you mean?
DAVID
They say Gloria’s depressed.
CASPAR
Oh they do, do they?
DAVID
Yeah.
CASPAR
So we’re just sharing Gloria’s private business now? Is that what we’re doing?
LEIF
Relax.
DAVID
They’re just concerned about their friend.
CASPAR
Oh are they? If that’s the case then why am I the only one actually helping the friend they are concerned about?
AVA
We’re big picture people, Caspar. We’re focused on the big picture.
CASPAR
How come this big picture of yours always involves you two sitting here and me actually doing something?
LEIF
Oh really?
DAVID
Yeah, not interested in whatever this is about, I’m going to go talk to Gloria.
DAVID EXITS TO THE KITCHEN.
CASPAR
... I’m trying to maintain a relationship with him while also trying to not tell him anything, it’s a very delicate balance.
LEIF
I just told him she was homesick.
CASPAR
Homesick for where? The icy planet that used to be in our deep freeze?
LEIF
Of course not.
CASPAR
No, but now he’s going to talk to Gloria about what’s going on.
LEIF
So?
CASPAR
Look, I know you two think that anyone without an advanced degree is a fucking idiot, but you have no idea the strength of that kid’s bullshit detector. I haven’t been able to bullshit with him since he was three years old.
LEIF
What’s he going to find out? It’s not like we have ghosts in the radio anymore. There’s no wolves in the deep freeze. It’s just a fucking diner now.
CASPAR
In what world do a rogue theoretical physicist, a space pirate, a taquera, and a DMV worker all hang out?
AVA
I don’t know, but the punchline to that joke is hilarious.
CASPAR
He thinks it’s weird, which I can’t blame him for, and now because he thinks it’s weird he’s going to keep digging and digging until he finds out the truth. You don’t have any idea who you’re dealing with.
LEIF
You haven’t seen him for years, Caspar, maybe you don’t know him either.
CASPAR
Oh, fuck you, Leif.
AVA
Hey.
LEIF
I’m just saying, he’s probably grown up a little, don’t you think?
CASPAR
Yes. That just means he’s gotten better at it.
LEIF
And I say again, what’s he going to dig up? There’s nothing here for him to find anymore.
CASPAR
And I hate to bring up an awkward subject, but it might stay that way. Okay? Our ride on the dimensional party bus may have inexplicably come to an end and we may never know why.
Which means we all have to do the unthinkable: think about tomorrow.
LEIF
...
AVA
...
CASPAR
Sorry to bring up a sore subject.
LEIF
It’s not a sore subject but it’s a subject that’s different for all of us.
CASPAR
What does that mean?
LEIF
You like it here. We’ve all been talking about how this is a crisis but you like it here. You found your son, Caspar.
CASPAR
He’s not my son.
LEIF
Well that’s not how you’re acting. You like it here, and I hate it here. Not to bring up a sore subject.
CASPAR
What are you saying?
LEIF
I’m saying I left this planet years ago. For a lot of reasons. I’m stuck here and I don’t like being stuck here.
CASPAR
What are you saying?
LEIF
You want me to think about tomorrow? You want me to think about this in the long term? Long term for me is not settling in to the sunny mountains of Pasadena, California. Long term for me is making a few calls and hitching a ride off this shithole.
CASPAR
Really.
LEIF
Really.
CASPAR
Well you can fuck off to the Crab Nebula then, Buck Rogers-
AVA
Caspar-
CASPAR
No, you go ahead. I’m sorry things are a little difficult for you around here so you can do what you always do when things get a little difficult. Leave. Again.
AVA
Hey. Both of you stop it. You’re both being assholes and that’s my job.
CASPAR
I’ve got tables.
CASPAR WALKS AWAY.
AVA
... Leif are you being serious?
LEIF
I need to make us some new cash cards. I’ll be on the roof.
WE MOVE TO THE KITCHEN. GLORIA IS COOKING AT THE GRILL.
DAVID
How long have you been doing this?
GLORIA
What? Cooking?
DAVID
Have you always worked in a restaurant?
GLORIA
Pretty much. My first job was a Jack in the Box, I guess that’s a restaurant.
DAVID
That’s a restaurant. I like their tacos.
GLORIA
... David, I have several sharp objects in this kitchen and you’re going to tell me that you like the Jack in the Box tacos?
DAVID
I hate to be like that but... one in the morning? Two tacos for two dollars?
GLORIA
Let’s not go around calling things tacos just because they’re shaped like tacos okay?
DAVID
How did working at Jack in the Box make you want to commit your life to making food?
GLORIA
Revenge, David. Every plate of food I make is a fuck you to my years at Jack in the Box.
DAVID
Years?
GLORIA
Oh yeah. Then they offered me a manager position and I was just... they made the offer and I had a terrifying vision of what my life was going to be. So I quit and I started working in kitchens. I didn’t really know what I was doing at first but I did have that one essential skill that every food service worker needs.
DAVID
Knife skills?
GLORIA
I spoke Spanish. What about you? What do you do again?
DAVID
I’m a street artist, Gloria.
GLORIA
Yes, but what do you do in the day time?
DAVID
I work at the city archives.
GLORIA
What goes on there?
DAVID
Old records. All kinds of shit going back to the 1800s. It’s boring as hell.
GLORIA
It sounds kind of interesting, it sounds like there’s a lot of history there.
DAVID
Oh, there is, for sure, but nobody wants to see that. They usually need records for a piece of real estate or whatever. So I sit there all day and get records for people when they come in.
GLORIA
And at night you deface public property.
DAVID
That’s right.
GLORIA
Do you like your co-workers?
DAVID
When I deface public property?
GLORIA
David.
DAVID
They’re alright. How do you like your co-workers?
GLORIA
My co-workers are infinitely fascinating. They’re also pretty great. We’ve been through a lot together.
DAVID
I’m still trying to figure out how you all came to own a restaurant together. A physicist, an engineer, you, and then the old man.
GLORIA
Weird, right? Um... it just kind of happened.
DAVID
How did it just kind of happen?
GLORIA
Um... there was a storm.
DAVID
A storm?
GLORIA
There was a storm one time and we all took shelter here at this place.
DAVID
A storm.
GLORIA
Yes. We got to know each other, stayed in touch and eventually we got the wild idea to go into business together.
DAVID
A storm.
GLORIA
Yes.
DAVID
In Pasadena, California.
GLORIA
Yes.
DAVID
Known for its torrential downpours.
GLORIA
I know, it sounds strange, but stranger things have happened.
DAVID
But you’re from Arizona.
GLORIA
I am.
DAVID
What were you doing up here?
GLORIA
... Hm?
DAVID
What were you doing up here?
GLORIA
Right, Uh, I love oranges.
DAVID
There hasn’t been an orange grove in Pasadena for about a hundred years.
GLORIA
So you can imagine my disappointment.
DAVID
Um-hm.
GLORIA
David, look, that’s life. You kind of get thrown together with people and sometimes you’re not sure how.
DAVID
Okay.
GLORIA
It is weird though, you’re not wrong. They all have some kind of connection to this place. Ava used to work here, Leif almost worked here, Caspar found you here. Not so much for me, though, I don’t have a connection to here at all.
DAVID
Maybe you do and you just don’t know it.
GLORIA
Yeah sure, maybe.
DAVID
You know what?
DAVID TEARS A DINER TICKET OUT OF A TICKET BOOK.
DAVID (CONT’D)
I can check for you. Write down your name, date of birth, mom’s name her date of birth, whatever you can think of. I’ll go look it up at the city archives.
GLORIA
I doubt you’re going to find anything, David.
DAVID
Just for fun, you never know.
GLORIA
That’s really okay.
DAVID
Gloria, come on, you’d be doing me a favor, I’m sitting there all day finding old land maps for real estate developers. Help me out.
GLORIA
Uh... okay. Give me the pen.
CASPAR SITS DOWN AT AVA’S BOOTH.
CASPAR
Hi.
AVA
I thought you had tables.
CASPAR
I’m taking a break.
AVA
You should apologize to Leif.
CASPAR
Leif should apologize to me.
AVA
Both are true, how about you kick it off?
CASPAR
Can we talk about something else please?
AVA
What?
CASPAR
I don’t know, literally anything else?
AVA
Literally anything?
CASPAR
Yes.
AVA
Okay.
AVA PUTS A DIFFERENT NOTEBOOK IN FRONT OF HER.
AVA (CONT’D)
Let’s talk about your brain.
CASPAR
My brain?
AVA
Yes.
CASPAR
Well, I’m sure there are no insults for me hiding in this conversation.
AVA
Oh, they’re hiding in every conversation, Schmoopie.
CASPAR
Fine, what about my brain?
AVA
When we’re at the diner, at least when it worked, time didn’t pass for us. I kept calling it null entropy. But I’m curious how our brains work in that environment. If time doesn’t pass, how are we creating new memories?
CASPAR
Isn’t this more of a neurology question, that’s not your field.
AVA
I do what I want. We’ve established now that you were here for over a hundred years before Leif showed up.
CASPAR
Apparently.
AVA
Right. Apparently. You say apparently because Ex told you how old you were and you didn’t know it. You don’t remember those years. It wasn’t until Leif showed up that you began to remember things because having someone there caused your memory to work differently, right?
CASPAR
I guess, sure. But I remember some things.
AVA
What do you mean?
CASPAR
Well... for example, I remember that one time John Updike walked in the door.
AVA
John Updike.
CASPAR
Yeah.
AVA
Classic American writer John Updike came into the diner.
CASPAR
Yes, and he was an asshole.
AVA
He was?
CASPAR
I distinctly remember saying “You’re an asshole, John Updike.”
AVA
How do you remember that and not the other hundred or so years.
CASPAR
Well, I had the John Updike memory because a couple of years ago someone came into the diner and they were reading Rabbit Run. Rabbit Run by John Updike, and then I had the memory.
AVA
So things can sort of jog your memory?
CASPAR
Apparently. Wait. Do you have an entire notebook devoted to my brain?
AVA
Yes.
CASPAR
Seriously?
AVA
Yes.
CASPAR
Can I read it please?
AVA
Sure, go ahead.
CASPAR
... It’s written in that fucked up shorthand you write in, isn’t it?
AVA
Yes. But go ahead and read it.
CASPAR
Like right now, what are you writing right now?
AVA
I’m writing words that you are welcome to read.
CASPAR
But I can’t read those words.
AVA
Well if you’re not willing to do the work, Caspar.
CASPAR
Okay, leaving now.
CASPAR GET UP, WE HEAR THE DOOR CHIME.
FRAN
Ava?
AVA
... Hi.
FRAN
Oh my God, how have you been?
AVA
... I’ve been fine... How have you been?
FRAN
You can’t tell me you don’t recognize me, you haven’t been gone for that long.
AVA
Of course I recognize you... You.
FRAN
Fran Phelps. I gave you your first tour of the JPL campus. I’m in the HR department. You insisted on calling me Frelp?
AVA
Right... how could I forget. Frelp.
FRAN
How have you been?
AVA
Great. Just great.
FRAN
Are you here a lot? I’ve been meaning to check this place out.
AVA
I’m here quite a bit.
FRAN
Great. Hey, you’re set to come back soon, right?
AVA
Back soon?
FRAN
Yes. I’m not snooping, I promise. I processed your leave of absence paperwork.
AVA
Leave of absence.
FRAN
Yes.
AVA
From... where?
FRAN
Oh God. I know what you mean. I was on maternity leave a couple of years ago, when I got back I did NOT know what I was doing.
AVA
Uh huh... What is happening?
FRAN
You’re set to come back in a month, I think, right? I’ve got a list on my desk of everyone on leave. The JPL Missing in Action list we call it. It’s a joke, we know you’re not missing. You’re number three on the list, there’s Dr. Glass from astrodynamics, Brad Menear from military acquisitions, and then you from special projects.
AVA
Special Projects.
FRAN
Yes.
AVA
Is where I work.
FRAN
You do.
AVA
At Jet Propulsion Laboratory.
FRAN
Yes, Ava.
AVA
Where I currently work.
FRAN
I mean, I work in HR, I’m pretty sure I know who works there.
AVA
Of course you do. Of course that’s where I work... I work at Jet Propulsion Laboratory... still.
FRAN
You are such a kook, I swear. I think you said something about going to New Brunswick.
AVA
Really?
FRAN
How was it?
AVA
... Eventful.
FRAN
I have to say, you don’t look too happy to be coming back, do you need an extension? People do it all the time, just give us a call and I can tack on an extra month for you. Do you need an extension?
AVA
I have no idea.
FRAN
Okay, well, just shoot us an email if you do.
AVA
Ah yes, Email. My old nemesis.
FRAN
Hey... (Lowering her voice.) What are you doing tonight?
AVA
(Lowering her voice.)
Crying probably.
FRAN
Don’t spread this around but... we’ve started up the fight club again.
AVA
Oh no.
FRAN
Yes! And I think we’ve got it figured out so we won’t get busted by security this time.
AVA
You’re in the HR department?
FRAN
You should totally come, people have been asking about you, they miss your sense of humor.
AVA
I miss it too.
FRAN
Anyway, GREAT to see you. Maybe I’ll se you tonight?
AVA
Well space and time are infinite so there’s a non-zero chance of everything.
FRAN
Great! Bye.
AVA
Bye...
LEIF
Hey. Who was that?
AVA
I have terrible news.
LEIF
What’s up?
AVA
... I have a job.
LEIF
What do you mean?
AVA
From what I can tell, the Ava of this Earth still works at Jet Propulsion Laboratory.
LEIF
Really?
AVA
This is terrible.
LEIF
Aren’t they wondering where you are?
AVA
I’ve been on a leave of absence. I’m coming back in a month... to work... at a job.
LEIF
Ooof.
AVA
Ooof, Leif. A thousand times ooof.
LEIF
What does a theoretical physicist even do at a rocket company?
AVA
Billionaire-funded think tank on the Alcubierre Drive. (al-koo-B(ee)YEH-ree)
LEIF
How’s that coming?
AVA
I don’t know, Leif. I’ve been taking a leave of absence from the job I’ve never been to.
LEIF
What are you going to do?
AVA
I don’t know. It’s a think tank so it’s not like I have to do anything.
LEIF
You’re not going to start going to work are you?
AVA
Leif, I don’t know.
LEIF
You. Working?
AVA
I know.
LEIF
I hate it here.
AVA
Yeah, Leif, your little spat with Caspar made that clear. Can you guys knock that off, by the way?
LEIF
We’ll be fine. Here, new cash card.
AVA
Ah. Perfect. I will buy something expensive and that will make the pain go away.
LEIF
Should be good for about a month, then I’ll get everybody new ones.
AVA
Is this a good idea?
LEIF
What?
AVA
Bank fraud? We’re supposed to be keeping a low profile.
LEIF
Remember that time I made a computer virus that would unravel an entire intergalactic empire if I used it?
AVA
Yes.
LEIF
Pretty sure I can handle Wells Fargo.
AVA
... Are you sure you’re okay?
LEIF
I’m fine. I’ll be on the roof.
AVA
Hey.
LEIF
What?
AVA
What are you doing tonight?
LEIF
Fuck, I don’t know... why?
AVA
Wanna try and get me fired?
WE MOVE TO THE PARKING LOT.
GLORIA
David, we should make this quick, I don’t like leaving Caspar in the kitchen for too long.
DAVID
So I hear you need some cheering up.
GLORIA
You’ve heard that, have you?
DAVID
And while everyone in this joint likes to say all I do at night is deface public property, I will continue to insist that I am an artist. My canvas is the city, and through my canvas I am a purveyor of joy.
GLORIA
The family resemblance is rearing its ugly head, David.
DAVID
It all started for me a few years ago. On the street I found packet of name tags. They said “hello my name is” and left a blank space. Out of boredom I started writing all kinds of random shit in that blank space: “Smelga Snoronowitz,” “Sherbet Aggressive,” “FeedMahFish.” Just nonsense. And then I’d peel away the back and stick them to lamp posts, crosswalks, whatever. It was a small thing in a big world, but I liked it. They became little acknowledgments of my existence. I discovered something. See here’s what it is to be an artist, Gloria: You take the world in. You filter it through your mind. You live in it. And you become an artist when you respond. When you talk back to the world you live in. And once I started I couldn’t stop. And once I couldn’t stop, everything got bigger and bigger. Stickers lead to wheat paste, wheat paste led to stencils, you know what I mean?
GLORIA
Sure.
DAVID
I was looking to up my game. Get a bigger canvas. Make a statement. And then, last week, it all came together, when I looked across the street from your restaurant and saw an abandoned billboard above the street.
GLORIA
... No.
DAVID
Check it out.
GLORIA
... David.
DAVID
Pretty great, right?
GLORIA
Oh my God.
DAVID
Art.
GLORIA
How did you get up there?
DAVID
Don’t worry about it.
GLORIA
... It’s hilarious.
DAVID
Thank you.
DOOR CHIME.
CASPAR
Hey Gloria, how do I know when this chicken is done?... What are we looking at?
GLORIA
Art, apparently.
CASPAR
What do you mean?
DAVID
I thought I’d try and cheer up Gloria by showing her my newest piece.
CASPAR
Where?
GLORIA
Up there.
CASPAR
Up there?
GLORIA
Up there.
CASPAR
... How did you get up there?
DAVID
Don’t worry about it.
CASPAR
... This is art?
DAVID
Yes.
CASPAR
Says who?
DAVID
Me.
CASPAR
You?
DAVID
Yes.
CASPAR
Okay... “Your Dog Hates Their Clothes.”
DAVID
That’s right.
CASPAR
Art.
DAVID
Yes.
GLORIA
Excellent work, David.
DAVID
Thank you, Gloria.
GLORIA
You’re right, I guess I did need cheering up.
DAVID
Anytime.
GLORIA
Give me the spatula, I’m going back inside.
CASPAR
Here.
DOOR CHIME.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
So you can just goof around in public and call it art?
DAVID
Correct.
CASPAR
That’s it?
DAVID
I don’t know if you heard, but there’s a guy over on the west side that keeps stealing Teslas. He steals the car, drives it around all day, evading the cops, and then abandons the car. He’s been doing it for three days now. He may be the greatest artist of my generation.
CASPAR
I see. So I really don’t get art, do I?
DAVID
You do not.
CASPAR
Cool... Please don’t steal cars.
DAVID
I don’t drive.
CASPAR
Good.
DAVID
Which reminds me, my bus is coming soon. I’m going to get out of here.
CASPAR
Okay. I can’t believe you just got up there and did that.
DAVID
Had to. A blank space is an affront to culture.
CASPAR
Sure... So, next week?
DAVID
Well, my newest piece is here. I have to come check on it.
CASPAR
Right, of course. Please don’t get arrested.
DAVID
Uh huh.
CASPAR
David.
DAVID
Yeah.
CASPAR
It’s really great.
DAVID
I know.
DAVID WALKS AWAY. WE MOVE TO THE INSIDE OF A TESLA ON THE WEST SIDE OF LOS ANGELES. WE HEAR SEVERAL POLICE CARS SPEED BY, SIRENS BLARING.
EFFIE
Hoowee them police are out in force now.
ZEBULON
I believe I’m beginning to understand the various environments of this dashboard, dear.
EFFIE
What’cha got?
ZEBULON
These vehicles have indeed come a long way since the Chrysler Six. Here there seems to be a mode in which brief written missives can be sent back and forth between familiars.
EFFIE
Anything in there about a diner showing up out of nowhere?
ZEBULON
I read here a message... (pronouncing it Eweup) “U up?”
EFFIE
The heck is that supposed to mean?
ZEBULON
I’m unsure. Spelled u, u, p.
EFFIE
That’s shorthand for “You up?” Dear.
ZEBULON
Ah. Up for what, I wonder? It’s followed by a photograph- oh my!
EFFIE
Zebulon?
ZEBULON
That’s indelicate. I am going to extricate myself from this place.
EFFIE
We should get movin’ soon. Any ideas where today’s route should be?
ZEBULON
I seem to be able to see a list of places the owner has travelled to... they seem to be very fond of the juice of a fruit known as a “Jamba”.
EFFIE
Never heard of it.
ZEBULON
For such a fancy automobile they appear to never go anywhere of import. A circular path from a gymnasium of some sort, then off to procure this “Jamba Juice”. Over and over again every day, perhaps they are some sort of circus strong man?
EFFIE
Zebulon is there anything of use over there?
ZEBULON
Ah, here we are, the map. We’ve learned so far to stay away from the line labeled “Four hundred and five.”
EFFIE
Any of those roads with numbers are just trouble waiting to happen, stick with the ones that have a name.
ZEBULON
We’re both wandering in the dark, dear. Shall I close my eyes and point?
EFFIE
Best to let the lord guide us.
ZEBULON
Very well. There appears to be an area called “Bell Gardens” that sounds nice.
EFFIE
Good enough. Where am I going?
ZEBULON
Go straight for a time and then hang a right onto “Cintenela” (Sin-TEN-a-luh.)
EFFIE
Let’s hit it. Quick prayer, dear.
ZEBULON
Lord, we know not why you graced us with automobiles that have the ability to drive themselves, but for the moment we will see it as you clearing the way so that we may be reunited with our friends. We are undeserving of your grace, and we are thankful.
EFFIE
And, Lord, anytime you want to mark Zebulon’s map with a big old “X” you go ahead and do that.
ZEBULON
That would be quite helpful, Lord, yes.
EFFIE
Amen.
THEIR TESLA MOVES ONTO THE ROAD AND SPEEDS AWAY. WE BEGIN TO HEAR ELECTRONIC MUSIC AND A SMALL CROWD.
FRAN
Are we live? Okay... (Her voice becomes amplified.) Okay, we are live people!
APPLAUSE FROM THE SMALL CROWD.
FRAN (CONT’D)
Hello to our friends around the world, welcome once again to the newly-rebooted “JPL Fight Club”! I can see people tuning in from all over the globe, hello there, MIT, hello there, Tata (TAH-tah) Institute. Ooh, we’ve got some new people, okay, hello Manglerfish, Fireball XL-5 I love your username. This is for the new people, if you try and record your screen in any way, we can tell and you will be kicked. What’s the first rule of Fight Club? You know the drill. Is everybody ready to fuck it up?
CROWD CHEERS.
FRAN (CONT’D)
Alright, once again for the new people, this is JPL fight club where we embrace the only reliable motivation for scientific innovation: fucking up your enemy. Bad ideas have to start somewhere, people, and we are proud to say that many of them have started right here at JPL Fight Club.
Two engineers will come forward with two drones and those drones will do battle in the Pasadena Pummeldome! First up tonight, our reigning champion, undefeated after 22 straight victories, it’s “Fresh Squeezed!”
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF MOTORIZED TREADS MAKING THEIR WAY INTO THE PASESDENA PUMMELDOME.
FRAN (CONT’D)
Fresh Squeezed leaves a trail of dead bots in its wake. An up-cycled bomb disposal droid, Fresh Squeezed has transitioned from preventing destruction to unleashing destruction. Equipped with all-terrain treads, if the flame thrower doesn’t get you, the spinning blades sure will, and god help you if you lose mobility, you will be trapped in the Fresh Squeezed Bot Juicer! Two pneumatic plates that will slowly turn your bot into a Borg Cube. And we’ve just learned today that Fresh Squeezed is now equipped with speech synthesis!
FRESH SQUEEZED
I crush your bot! I steal your wife!
FRAN
Fresh Squeezed is 22 wins deep into Fight Club and shows no sign of stopping. But who will challenge this unstoppable juggernaut?! As you JPL Fight Club veterans know, if it’s your first night at Fight Club, you have to fight. Who is our unlucky challenger this evening? Believe it or not, it is famed theoretical physicist Dr. Ava Maddox. Ava, how are you doing tonight?
AVA
I’m feeling great. Really excited to do illegal shit on the internet.
FRAN
Ava, I have to ask, what’s a theoretical physicist doing at Fight Club tonight? You’re not known for creating things, you’re known for doing whatever the hell it is theoretical physicists do.
AVA
That’s right. Sometimes as a scientist you have to put on your big boy pants and set aside childish things. But every once and a while it’s nice to slum it with a bunch of quote unquote scientists who can’t seem to evolve past making things that blow up other things.
Which is why I’ve brought my associate with me to help me with the technical side.
FRAN
I see, and what’s your name?
LEIF
Uh... Chut.
FRAN
Chut.
LEIF
Brimble. Chut Brimble.
FRAN
Okay, not a made up name at all. And let’s see what you’re going into the Pasadena Pummeldome with.
AVA
It’s right here.
FRAN
Okay... okay it’s... it’s very small.
AVA
Yes.
FRAN
Okay. Uh, what do you call it?
AVA
Peter.
FRAN
... Peter.
AVA
Peter!
FRAN
Uh, okay, and what is this little guy packing? What are the specs on this thing, Chut?
LEIF
None of your goddamn business-
AVA
We don’t want to ruin the surprise. Suffice to say, Peter is eighteen inches of scientific fury and we’re here tonight to make all engineers pee pee in their panties.
FRAN
Okay, if you say so. Let’s get Peter in the ring. (Under her breath.) Ava, are you sure about this? That thing’s going to get creamed.
AVA
Fran, you can’t start an underground robot fight club in the basement of a government contractor and then start talking about “playing it safe.” Commit to the bit, lady.
FRAN
Okay, if you say so. Here we go! Our first match of the night. Fresh Squeezed vs.... Peter. Let’s count them down, five, four, three, two, one!
A BUZZER SOUNDS. AND FRESH SQUEEZED BEGINS TO MOVE ALONG THE FLOOR.
FRESH SQUEEZED
Prepare to get juiced!
FRAN
Stand back, everyone, Fresh Squeezed is making its first move.
AVA
Are we going to make our first move?
LEIF
Sure, why not?
PETER ACTIVATES AND SUDDENLY STARTS RUNNING ACROSS THE FLOOR AT FULL SPEED.
FRAN
Oh wow. Looks like Peter’s got some speed.
PETER SUDDENLY STARTS CUTTING INTO FRESH SQUEEZED WITH A POWERFUL LASER.
FRAN (CONT’D)
Holy shit!
PETER BEGINS RUNNING AROUND FRESH SQUEEZED, TOO FAST TO BE CAUGHT, CONSTANTLY SLICING UP FRESH SQUEEZED WITH ITS LASER.
FRAN (CONT’D)
Okay uh... wow, that’s... okay, it looks like Peter has a laser... and it’s... okay Fresh Squeezed has now lost it’s flame thrower, it’s been cut off by the laser, WHOA!
There goes the spinning blades, Peter is literally cutting Fresh Squeezed to pieces with a SURPRISINGLY powerful laser. I’m not sure how... uh... has anybody seen anything like this before? I’ve never seen a laser do that...
FRESH SQUEEZED IS NOW LYING IN PIECES ON THE GROUND. EVERYONE IS QUIET.
FRAN (CONT’D)
Uhh... Well... what was once Fresh Squeezed is now lying in pieces on the ground... So I guess that means... Peter wins? (Under he breath.) Ava, what the fuck?
AVA
What? Were we not supposed to win?
LEIF
Can I have the mic please?
LEIF SNATCHES THE MIC FROM HER. MIC FEEDBACK.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Attention, engineers in this room and all those watching around the world: would you get it together, please? You idiots are out here making better bombs, more efficient crowd control, and the most energy inefficient rockets imaginable. What are you doing?... You’re supposed to be blowing people’s minds, not catering to their boring fantasies. I’m embarrassed to be around you. Where’s that crazy idea you had in college? The one they said would never work? All of you, quit your jobs immediately and go do that thing. It’s not our job to perpetuate the world—it’s our job to move it, sometimes kicking and screaming, FORWARD. You gaggle of fuckheads!... Chut Brimble out!
LEIF DROPS THE MIC.
FRAN
What the fuck?
AVA
... So is there a trophy or anything?
WE MOVE TO NIGHT TIME IN THE DINER PARKING LOT. WE HEAR THE DOOR CHIME.
GLORIA
Hey. What are you doing out here?
CASPAR
I strongly objected to them going out tonight.
GLORIA
So you’re waiting out here like a worried dad.
CASPAR
This is the longest excursion anyone’s taken since we’ve been stuck here.
GLORIA
I think they’ll be fine, Caspar. I don’t think we’re going anywhere.
CASPAR
Yeah, yeah I know...
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF COYOTES UP IN THE HILLS.
GLORIA
... Are those coyotes?
CASPAR
Yeah. LA’s like that, you can be in the middle of a big sprawling city and then suddenly there’s a coyote or a gray fox. It’s an ecotone, the transition between two biomes, there’s the Angeles National Forest over there, and then the coast over there and we’re in-between so you get this weird biological confusion, coyotes from one side, seagulls from the other.
GLORIA
... I’m going to be okay.
CASPAR
What?
GLORIA
David was trying to cheer me up today. I imagine he got that from you guys.
CASPAR
Ah. He’s kind of a busy body, that one.
GLORIA
I told him you three all have a weird connection to this place but I don’t, and now he’s going to try and find information on me in the city archives.
CASPAR
Why would he find anything there?
GLORIA
He wouldn’t, but now he’s got my name and date of birth and some family history and he’s going to get to work... It’s the thought that counts.
CASPAR LAUGHS.
GLORIA (CONT’D) What?
CASPAR
... I don’t know your last name.
GLORIA
... I don’t know yours either.
CASPAR
What the fuck?
GLORIA
Right? Do you know Leif’s?
CASPAR
No.
GLORIA
Seriously?
CASPAR
No. What the hell?
GLORIA
I can’t believe it.
CASPAR
I guess we... I mean, when you’re the only human beings in a given situation, I guess you don’t really need a last name.
GLORIA
I guess.
CASPAR
This is fucking ridiculous. How totally dysfunctional.
GLORIA
Well, it’s not like you had me fill out a job application.
CASPAR
Jesus, can you imagine a job application for this place?
GLORIA
In the emergency contact section you just put “Earth”.
CASPAR
“I see here you have previous experience at Jack in the Box, that’s great because you do need experience handling strange otherworldly substances here at Midnight Burger.”
GLORIA
Remember when you asked me if I had any experience with dark matter?
CASPAR
And you were like, “Mole Sauce?”
GLORIA
... Well... We may be stranded in a place where there are a lot more Leifs and Caspars and Glorias than we’re used to so...
CASPAR
Okay. Sure. Lay it on me.
GLORIA
Gloria Juana Belén Gutiérrez de Mendoza.
CASPAR
Wow.
GLORIA
Yours?
CASPAR
Scott.
GLORIA LAUGHS.
CASPAR (CONT’D) What?
GLORIA
Nothing.
CASPAR
That’s my name.
GLORIA
I know. It’s great.
CASPAR
It’s not great, it’s boring. It’s not fair that you literally have a Lorca poem for a name.
GLORIA
That’s true, it’s good... So now we know.
CASPAR
Here we are. Just a couple of human beings with last names living in the ecotone.
GLORIA
In-between two worlds.
CASPAR
... Yeah.
A CAR PULLS UP TO THE DINER.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Here they are.
AVA AND LEIF GET OUT OF THE CAR. LEIF IS DRUNK.
LEIF
Thank you, Farad!
AVA
Hello.
LEIF
You did a great job at driving Farad, thank you!
THE CAR STARTS TO DRIVE AWAY.
CASPAR
What’s going on?
AVA
Leif’s a little drunk.
LEIF
(Calling after the car.)
Farad I’m tipping you one thousand dollars! But that’s okay because money isn’t real. It’s just an idea somebody had one time and now because of that guy’s idea you have to turn your car into a taxi cab!
GLORIA
Where did you guys go?
AVA
Well...
LEIF
Peter, head up to the roof and disassemble yourself. Good job tonight.
EIGHTEEN INCH PETER JUMPS TO THE GROUND AND RUNS TO THE BACK OF THE DINER.
CASPAR
What that fuck is that thing?
AVA
That’s Peter.
CASPAR
What?
LEIF
Caspar. You’re pretty drunk right now.
CASPAR
That’s actually you.
LEIF
I’m projecting.
CASPAR
Okay.
LEIF
I’m sorry I was an asshole earlier.
CASPAR
I’m sorry I was an asshole earlier.
LEIF
I used to live in space!
CASPAR
I know.
LEIF
I hate it here!
CASPAR
I know.
LEIF
I used to live in space.
CASPAR
Yes.
LEIF
And now I live in Pasadena.
CASPAR
I’m sorry.
LEIF
Pasadena is not space.
CASPAR
It is not.
LEIF
I’m really sorry.
CASPAR
Me too.
LEIF
We’re going to figure this out, Gloria!
GLORIA
Okay, Leif.
LEIF
I may need to build a spaceship on the roof.
GLORIA
Sounds great.
LEIF
For therapy.
GLORIA
That’s a lot of therapy, but okay.
LEIF
I’m going to sleep.
CASPAR
Goodnight... What the hell did you guys do?
AVA
We went to a fight club.
GLORIA
You what?
AVA
It’s okay.
CASPAR
How is that okay?
AVA
It’s okay because we won. Duh.
UP ON THE ROOF. LEIF IS COMING UP THE LADDER.
LEIF
I am a rovin’ gambler... I roam from town to town...
LEIF TURNS ON THE COMMAND CENTER.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Whenever I meet with a deck of cards, I lay... my money... down...
LEIF (CONT’D)
Wait a minute... Wait... volume, volume.
WE HEAR A LOCAL NEWS FEED COMING THROUGH THE COMMAND CENTER.
ANCHOR
Shocking developments right now in the Tesla Bandit story, as you can see from our live eye-in-the-sky chopper, police are currently in pursuit of the infamous Tesla bandit. But if you look at these images here you can see something unbelievable... when police knocked out the driver side window to try and force a crash it was revealed that the car is actually unmanned. You can see it now speeding down Venice boulevard with literally no one in the driver’s seat...
LEIF
Hang on... Hang on this is important... this is important... GUYS!
CASPAR
(Down on the ground.)
What?
LEIF
GET UP HERE RIGHT NOW!
CASPAR
Uh, okay.
LEIF
Alright... alright what do I do... okay... can I crack Tesla’s global system? Sure, sure I can. I can get into the car right?
CASPAR
(Coming up the ladder.)
Leif what’s going on?
LEIF
The Tesla Bandit is a driverless car!
CASPAR
Okay. Weird.
GLORIA
What’s going on?
LEIF
The guy who’s been stealing Teslas! It’s not a guy it’s... look!
GLORIA
... There’s no driver.
AVA
I feel like that’s a design flaw.
LEIF
There’s no driver! For three days now a Tesla without a driver has been joy riding around Los Angeles... But it’s not joy riding at all... it’s looking for something.
AVA
Oh shit.
CASPAR
No way.
LEIF
Yes, way!
GLORIA
It’s them.
LEIF
It’s them!
GLORIA
What can you do?!
LEIF
I can get through to the dashboard system, I just need to hack Tesla.
GLORIA
Okay, but Leif, be honest, are you too drunk to hack right now?
LEIF
It’s okay, I hack with my third eye. And my third eye is open...
WE HEAR SIRENS AND MOVE TO INSIDE THE MUCKLEWAINS’ TESLA. EFFIE IS SPEEDING THROUGH THE CITY STREETS PURSUED BY THE POLICE.
EFFIE
(Yelling at the police.)
Y’all think you can stop me by putting out my window? I love a nice breeze!!
ZEBULON
Dear, I think our lack of a physical body between us will only compound our problems!
EFFIE
How do you figure?
ZEBULON
There is no longer a human life within for them to preserve!
WE HEAR A SHOTGUN BLAST.
EFFIE
What in heck?!
ZEBULON
Are we being fired upon!?
EFFIE
One of them flat foots has got himself a scatter gun and he’s trying to put out my tires.
ZEBULON
I would prefer to not be fired upon, dear!
EFFIE
Hike up your britches, I’m takin’ a hard right!
THE TIRES SQUEAL.
ZEBULON
I do not like the hard rights, dear.
EFFIE
Worry not, husband. As soon as I find us another one of these fancy automobiles we’ll jump inside that one and start fresh in the morning.
LEIF
(Coming through the dashboard.)
Mucklewains!
ZEBULON
Leif?!
EFFIE
Hot damn! Is that you, Leif?
LEIF
What the hell is happening?!
EFFIE
Well in case you ain’t noticed, we’ve be looking around for you all!
LEIF
How the hell did you get inside a Tesla, how the hell did you end up in Los Angeles!?
ZEBULON
Leif, we are unclear how anyone ended up anywhere, perhaps this is a question for another time?!
EFFIE
Leif, get into one of those machines of yours and tell us how to make our way to your location!
LEIF
Okay, I’m seeing you on GPS. But you’re on the west side and you need to get to Pasadena, that’s quite a trek to make with the police on your trail. Are you sure you can make it?
EFFIE
We’ve come too far to quit now, Leif. I’ve got two co-pilots and one of em’s Jesus!
LEIF
God DAMN I missed you guys! Okay, you’re on Venice and you’re going the wrong way.
EFFIE
Hang onto your breakfast, husband, we’re gonna whup around!
THE TIRES SCREECH AS EFFIE DOES A “TOKYO DRIFT” IN THE MIDDLE OF VENICE BLVD.
ZEBULON
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH-
WE MOVE BACK TO THE QUIET STREETS OF PASADENA. EVERYONE WAITS IN THE PARKING LOT.
GLORIA
Which way are they coming from?
LEIF
That way. I said we’d be in the parking lot trying to flag them down.
CASPAR
How many police cars are following them?
LEIF
They’ve basically got the entire LAPD chasing them down right now, it’s going to be messy.
AVA
What are they going to do, put them in handcuffs?
LEIF
Here they come.
THE TESLA COMES SCREECHING AROUND A CORNER FOLLOWED BY SEVERAL POLICE CARS.
GLORIA
Okay, everybody wave!
THE TESLA SPEEDS RIGHT PAST THEM, FOLLOWED BY ALL OF THE POLICE CARS.
CASPAR
Did they not see us?
AVA
It’s a pretty big sign.
DOWN THE ROAD THE TESLA CRASHES AND FLIPS OVER SEVERAL TIMES.
GLORIA
Oh shit!
LEIF
That’s not good.
AVA
Uh... I hope they fastened their seatbelts?
LEIF
They’ll be fine, we just need to figure out how to get them out of there.
WE HEAR ANOTHER DRONE TRAVELING DOWN THE SIDEWALK.
DRONE
Delicious food, coming through... Delicious food, coming through... Delicious food, coming through...
LEIF
Hang on.
DRONE
Del... icious... food... coming... through...
EFFIE
(Inside the drone.)
Well hi, y’all.
GLORIA
Effie!
ZEBULON
(Inside the drone.)
I much prefer this speed.
GLORIA
You guys, where have you been?
EFFIE
Oh we have quite a tale to tell, Gloria.
ZEBULON
We’ve been all over the land inhabiting all sorts of things in this modern world.
EFFIE
It weren’t until recently we discovered that someone had made the foolish choice to make a mess of cars that can drive themselves, then we really started covering some ground.
LEIF
Alright, finally some fucking progress.
EFFIE
Leif, do you mind telling me who in the heck has decided to get on my bad side with all this mess?
LEIF
I actually have no idea, but something tells me that’s all about to turn around.
GLORIA
So you two have just been hopping from gadget to gadget this entire time?
EFFIE
Gloria, I would love to tell y’all the entire saga but we have not been here for months and I am sure the house is a mess, c’mon husband let’s get out of this contraption.
ZEBULON
I’ll do the sweeping.
THE DRONE BEGINS TO HEAD INSIDE.
ZEBULON (CONT’D)
There appears to be something within this vehicle called “Moo Goo Gai Pan” which I believe is a food?
DOOR CHIME.
AVA
Do you think Gloria’s going to be offended if I steal that take out from the Muckledrone?
CASPAR
No, I’m sure it’s fine.
AVA
What’s wrong?
CASPAR
Nothing.
AVA
... Nothing?
CASPAR
No... nothing.
AVA
Okay. C’mon.
CASPAR
Okay.
CASPAR HEARS A HIGH-PITCHED RINGING IN HIS EARS.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
OW FUCK!
AVA
What?
CASPAR
Shit!
AVA
What is it?
KAZI
(In Caspar’s head.)
3... 4... 5... 9... 2... 6... 5... 3... 5... 8... 9... 7... 9... 3... 2... 3... 8... 4... 6... 2...
6... 4... 3... 3... 8... 3... 2... 7... 9... 5... 0... 2... 8... 8... 4... 9... 7...
AVA
Oh shit. Is it happening again?
CASPAR
It’s happening again, go get your notebook.
AVA
Okay, I’ll be right back.
KAZI
(In Caspar’s head.)
3... 4... 5... 9... 2... 6... 5... 3... 5... 8... 9... 7... 9... 3... 2... 3... 8... 4... 6... 2...
CASPAR
What the fuck are you doing to me?
TETA
(In Caspar’s head.)
What are you doing? There’s no way this is going to work.
KAZI
(In Caspar’s head.)
I don’t see you coming up with any ideas.
TETA
(In Caspar’s head.)
You’re seriously categorizing this as an idea? It’s nonsense.
CASPAR
Wait...
KAZI
(In Caspar’s head.)
You may be shocked to find that some ideas don’t involve shooting people or blowing them up.
TETA
(In Caspar’s head.)
Yes, I know. They’re called bad ideas.
CASPAR
Wait...
KAZI
(In Caspar’s head.)
You heard what Libuza said. You heard the story she was told.
TETA
(In Caspar’s head.)
Fuck they’re coming back. Shut it off-
EVERYTHING IS SILENT EXCEPT FOR THE COYOTES IN THE HILLS. DOOR CHIME.
AVA
Okay, I’m back. Go...
CASPAR
...
AVA
Caspar?
CASPAR
I know that voice.
AVA
What?
CASPAR
I know that voice.
AVA
What do you mean?
CASPAR
... All those years I was here alone... I wasn’t alone the whole time.
THE END.