Chapter 31: Welcome to the Horizon
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF THE FOREST. WE ARE BACK AT THE HORIZON MOTEL. CLEMENTINE APPEARS IN THE PARKING LOT.
CLEMENTINE
Frank?
A CAR DRIVES INTO THE PARKING LOT AND PARKS. PETER AND STEPHANIE GET OUT OF THE CAR MID-ARGUMENT.
PETER
I will not, not in a million years, understand your obsession with starting over.
STEPHANIE
I’m not obsessed, that’s completely unfair.
PETER
No matter what we talk about, no matter what problem we’re having, you always bring it back around to “getting out of this town and starting over.”
STEPHANIE
We should get out of this town and start over.
PETER
But that’s not the solution to everything.
STEPHANIE
I never said it was the solution to everything.
PETER
The kitchen sink backed up and your solution was to get out of town and start over again.
STEPHANIE
I wasn’t presenting it as a solution to the sink.
PETER
Of course you weren’t. But you never hesitate to bring it up do you?
STEPHANIE
No, Peter, honestly I don’t. Do you know why? Because we should get out of town and start over again.
PETER
Our lives are here, our kids go to school here, my sister is here, her kids are here.
STEPHANIE
That doesn’t mean we have to stay here.
PETER
I realize you don’t understand the importance of family because yours was so dysfunctional-
STEPHANIE
Whoa!
PETER
-But it’s important. And it’s important in way that nobody anticipates.
STEPHANIE
You’re seriously going to stand there and accuse me of not knowing the importance of family after giving birth to not one, but TWO of your children?
PETER
That’s not what I’m saying-
STEPHANIE
It sounds like that’s what you’re saying.
PETER
Don’t put words in my mouth.
STEPHANIE
I don’t need to put words in your mouth. “You don’t understand the importance of family,” that’s what you said.
PETER
Stephanie, it’s not just our kids. It’s everyone. My sister, her kids, this town, we rely on these people and they rely on us.
STEPHANIE
We don’t rely on these people.
PETER
Of course we do.
STEPHANIE
At least once a day someone from this town comes to you with a problem for you to clean up. Who said that was your job? There’s a reason this town doesn’t have a mayor, Peter. It doesn’t need one.
PETER
Fine, fine. Let’s hear it. Let’s hear your solution, then.
STEPHANIE
What are you talking about?
PETER
Where are we moving to?
STEPHANIE
Peter-
PETER
No, no, we’re going to sell the motel and then pack up the covered wagon, right? I’m sure you have this all figured out because you can’t stop bringing it up, so what’s the plan?
STEPHANIE
We’re supposed to come up with the plan together.
PETER
Propose something to me. Anything. Pick a city in the Northern Hemisphere. Let’s go.
STEPHANIE
I can’t just pick a city-
PETER
No you can’t. Do you know why? Because this escape plan of yours, starting over in a new town, it completely falls apart when we’re confronted with a little thing called reality.... What would we do there? Could the kids walk to school like they do now? Are there even schools nearby? Can we afford to live there? Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
STEPHANIE
There are answers to all of those questions.
PETER
There are answers to all of those questions. I guarantee you this escape plan of yours will collapse in on itself as soon as you get an answer you don’t like... You’re in favor of leaving so long as there are no complications and everything goes our way. When, in the history of the world, has that ever happened?
STEPHANIE
... What room are we arguing in?
PETER
Seven.
STEPHANIE
... Let’s go.
PETER AND STEPHANIE WALK INTO ROOM SEVEN AND CLOSE THE DOOR.
CLEMENTINE
Sheesh. Frank?
CLEMENTINE WALKS INTO THE OFFICE.
CLEMENTINE (CONT’D)
Hey, Frank.
FRANK
Clementine.
CLEMENTINE
... How are you?
FRANK
... Just great.
CLEMENTINE
... Okay... There was kind of a crazy scene out there. I think a couple checked in to try and work out their marital problems, do you know them?
FRANK
I do.
CLEMENTINE
... Who are they?
FRANK
That’s Peter and Stephanie Sturgis. My mother and father.
CLEMENTINE
... Your mother and father?
FRANK
Yes.
CLEMENTINE
Frank... Frank didn’t you tell me that your father passed away?
FRANK
... Yes.
CLEMENTINE
Well what... Frank, what’s going on?
FRANK
My parents were very protective. They were very concerned about fighting in front of us. They thought it would be traumatic.
So they had this habit... When they needed to have a fight they would get a sitter and then stay here. They would fight all night long and then come back the next day like nothing had happened... I got wise to it when I was twelve... I always wondered what they were fighting about...
CLEMENTINE
That’s... that’s them in that car?
FRANK
What car?
CLEMENTINE
What do you mean what... The car is gone.
FRANK
Just wait.
OUTSIDE WE HEAR THE SAME CAR APPROACH AGAIN. WE HEAR PETER AND STEPHANIE GET OUT OF THE CAR AND REPEAT THE SAME ARGUMENT THEY JUST HAD.
CLEMENTINE
... Oh God... How long has this been happening?
FRANK
It started this morning.
JUNE
(In the bathroom.)
Who is that?
FRANK
It’s Clementine.
JUNE
... What is she doing here?
FRANK
I don’t know. Clementine what are you doing here?
CLEMENTINE
I was just...
FRANK
You know, June has a theory.
CLEMENTINE What?
FRANK
June, you have a theory?
JUNE
... You did this, Clementine.
FRANK
As you can imagine, we’re starting to go a little crazy around here.
JUNE
I’m not crazy, you’re crazy.
FRANK
There was... when we first met you, when you were lying in the parking lot and we took you to the hospital, June and I waited for a while. There was this weird thing that happened. One of the nurses kept calling for Nr. Nate. She did it over and over again. June now thinks that it was-
JUNE
It was a time loop!
FRANK
She thinks it was a time loop. Which she got from a Star Trek episode.
JUNE
So what if it’s a Star Trek episode!? Tell her about the car.
FRANK
And there was a car that kept driving by the motel, over and over again, she thinks that was another one. And now...
JUNE
And now there’s a literal Outer Limits episode happening in our parking lot!
FRANK
And she says it’s because of you.
JUNE
It all started when you showed up, Clementine.
FRANK
We’ve gone through several stages with this today. Shock, horror, disbelief... Here at the end of the day I think we’ve drifted now into resignation? I think we’re just waiting for it to stop so we can start pretending it never happened.
JUNE
Why doesn’t she make it stop? She’s the one who made it happen?!
FRANK
June, come out of the bathroom.
JUNE
No way! Not with her out there!
FRANK
This isn’t her fault, June, You’re being ridiculous.
JUNE
YOU’RE being ridiculous.
FRANK
You can’t just blame someone because they’re new in town.
JUNE
You know I’m right, Frank!
FRANK
Nobody knows anything about anything, my dead father is arguing in the parking lot, June!
CLEMENTINE
She’s right.
FRANK
...
CLEMENTINE
... She’s right, Frank.
JUNE
I am?
BATHROOM DOOR OPENS.
CLEMENTINE
It’s me... I did it.
FRANK
Clementine, you’re a strange person but this is-
CLEMENTINE
A bar of gold, Frank? I just had that on me? I brought beer from Tokyo and didn’t know it was in Japan. I disappeared from the hospital. How did I disappear from the hospital?
FRANK
And these are all strange things but-
CLEMENTINE
Fine, here’s another bar of gold.
CLEMENTINE SUDDENLY HAS A BAR OF GOLD IN HER HAND. SHE TOSSES IT ONTO THE FRONT DESK.
CLEMENTINE (CONT’D)
Is that not good enough? You want another one?
ANOTHER GOLD BAR LANDS ON THE DESK.
FRANK
...
CLEMENTINE
Still not convinced? I can make my favorite song play out of thin air, how about that?
WE HEAR STELLA SPLENDENS FAINTLY PLAYING FROM NOWHERE.
JUNE
Where is that coming from?
CLEMENTINE
I can do anything I want... Anything I want except for the thing I want to do... It’s terrible.
FRANK
Clementine, look, you may think-
CLEMENTINE
Jesus Christ, do you still not believe me? Fine, there’s a chicken in the bathroom now.
A CHICKEN SUDDENLY CLUCKS FROM THE BATHROOM.
JUNE
Oh fuck! Shit, there’s a fucking chicken in here... there’s-
CLEMENTINE
How is that? Is that good enough?... I think I broke Frank.
JUNE
Is this a living chicken, we just have a chicken now?
CLEMENTINE
Yes. Enjoy... Okay, I’m going to go outside and I’m going to put things right again. And then I’m going to go before I break something else... Or break everything...
JUNE
What are you going to do?
FRANK
Wait-
CLEMENTINE WALKS OUTSIDE JUST AS THE CAR IS PULLING UP AGAIN.
CLEMENTINE
I really am sorry, you two. (To herself.) Time is the substance I am made of. Time is a river that sweeps me along, but I am the river; it is a tiger which destroys me, but I am the tiger; it is a fire which consumes me... but I am the fire.
TWO MORE OF THE EXACT SAME CAR PULL INTO THE PARKING LOT. PETER AND STEPHANIE GET OUT OF THOSE CARS AS WELL AND BEGIN TO HAVE THE EXACT SAME ARGUMENT THEY’VE BEEN HAVING. WE ARE NOW HEARING THE EXACT SAME ARGUMENT FROM THEM OVERLAPPED THREE TIMES.
CLEMENTINE (CONT’D) Oh my God.
JUNE
What the hell?!
FRANK
Clementine this doesn’t look like “fixing things”.
CLEMENTINE
That’s not supposed to happen.
FRANK
None of this is supposed to happen!
CLEMENTINE
I don’t understand.
JUNE
There’s three of my aunt and uncle now. There’s not supposed to be any of them.
CLEMENTINE
Okay wait, wait just wait... Let me try again... Time is the substance I am made of. Time is a river that sweeps me along, but I am the river; it is a tiger which destroys me, but I am the tiger; it is a fire which consumes me... but I am the fire.
THREE MORE IDENTICAL CARS PULL INTO THE PARKING LOT, PETER AND STEPHANIE EMERGE FROM THOSE CARS AS WELL. WE ARE NOW HEARING THE SAME CONVERSATION SIX TIMES.
CLEMENTINE (CONT’D) No... no no no.
FRANK
What the fuck?
CLEMENTINE
This isn’t supposed to happen.
JUNE
What isn’t supposed to happen? What exactly is happening?
CLEMENTINE
I don’t know... I don’t know what’s happening... I can’t control it.
FRANK
Clementine, tell me what you’re doing!
CLEMENTINE
I don’t know what I’m doing! I don’t understand any of this, it’s gotten out of my control... I need to get help.
FRANK
What?
JUNE
From where?
CLEMENTINE
I... I’m going to go. I’m going to go get help. Frank, listen... I’m so sorry... I thought I could control it... I thought I was in control... I’ll be back, I promise.
CLEMENTINE VANISHES.
JUNE
What.
FRANK
Oh Jesus.
JUNE
What.
FRANK
She just vanished.
JUNE
What.
FRANK
Where the hell did she go?... What’s that sound?
JUNE
What.
THERE IS A CRACK IN THE AIR AND MIDNIGHT BURGER SUDDENLY APPEARS IN THE PARKING LOT.
JUNE (CONT’D)
Whaaaaaaaaaaat?
FRANK
The fuck is that?
CASPAR
Hey there, folks, you must be Frank and June. Strange times, am I right? Give us just one second we’ll be right with you.
TERRIC
That was different.
GLORIA
What the fuck is happening here?
AVA
Whoa.
LEIF
(On the roof.)
No such thing as a time loop, huh?
GLORIA
Leif, where are we?
LEIF
New timeline, this isn’t Clementine’s.
GLORIA
Ava?
AVA
I’m thinking.
GLORIA
Effie?
EFFIE
Gloria, even if I had feelings about what I’m seeing I wouldn’t know what to say.
ZEBULON
They all appear to be the same person.
GLORIA
Yes, I can see that, Zeb.
ZEBULON
How are we to know which ones are the real ones?
AVA
I think they’re all the real ones, that’s the problem.
ZEBULON
I miss the farm.
AVA
Clementine, tell me exactly what happened.
CLEMENTINE
There was one car, it kept showing up. That’s Frank’s mother and father in the car. His father passed away, this is a scene from their past.
AVA
And then how did it become six cars?
CLEMENTINE
I tried to fix it, it usually works when I try to fix things.
AVA
How did you try to fix it?
CLEMENTINE
There’s this thing I say. I say it when I need to focus.
AVA
What is it?
CLEMENTINE
“Time is the substance I am made of. Time is a river that sweeps me along, but I am the river; it is a tiger which destroys me, but I am the tiger; it is a fire which consumes me... but I am the fire.”
AVA
Borges?
CLEMENTINE What?
AVA
Jorge Borges. He’s a writer, you were reciting Borges?
CLEMENTINE
I don’t know who that is. It’s something my mother taught me to recite when I was panicking. It seemed to work when I needed to focus on something.
AVA
Well, guess what, it’s not working.
FRANK
What is happening?
CASPAR
Okay. It’s a lot. Sure. Don’t panic. First of all, let me say that I really love your motel. Very mid-century modern, very Lost Highway.
FRANK
What is happening?!
CASPAR
Okay, let’s just first-paragraph-of-wikipedia this, shall we? We’re Midnight Burger, a time-traveling dimension-spanning diner. We’ve been trying to hunt down a mysterious red-headed woman who has been fucking up the cosmos. Sound familiar?
JUNE
Clementine?
CASPAR
Yes. Turns out, when she was taking a break from destroying all of existence she liked to hang out here. I mean, why wouldn’t she? It’s lovely. Where are we, Washington?
JUNE
Oregon.
CASPAR
Great. So, the problem is, Clementine eventually destabilizes everything around her, including this place.
FRANK
Destabilizes how?
CASPAR
Well, you know how things have a tendency to... exist?
JUNE
We’re aware.
CASPAR
She tends to make them stop doing that.
JUNE
You guys are going to stop that though, right?
CASPAR
Yes.
FRANK
How is a diner going to stop that?
CASPAR
Well, we don’t know yet, BUT we’ve got two very smart people, a 700 year old man, two baptist ministers and a very competent restaurant manager so the answer’s got to be in there somewhere, right?
JUNE
What do you do?
CASPAR
You know, I used to work at the DMV and now I’m trying to figure it all out, it’s a process.
GLORIA
Hi there.
CASPAR
Hey, this is Gloria, she’s runs the place.
GLORIA
Nice to meet you. Welcome to the weirdest day of your life.
JUNE
I mean, I hope it is.
GLORIA
It’s a lot. Sure. But I think you’ll find that your capacity for weird shit is way higher than you think it is.
FRANK
What... what happens now?
GLORIA
Well, we’ve got about a half dozen temporal anomalies don’t we? Who are the two people in these cars?
FRANK
It’s... it’s my mom and dad.
GLORIA
And is this them in the present?
FRANK
No. My dad passed away. My mom lives in New Mexico now.
GLORIA
Okay, so they definitely shouldn’t be here and there definitely shouldn’t be six pairs of them, right?
FRANK
Correct.
TERRIC
Clementine.
CLEMENTINE
You’ve got to stay away from me... How are you even here?
TERRIC
It’s a long story.
CLEMENTINE
What did I do to you... did I... did I make you American?
TERRIC
Clementine, no, I’ve-
CLEMENTINE
It’s the pillars of salt all over again. You’ve got to stay away from me.
TERRIC
Wait, listen-
CLEMENTINE
I can’t, Terric, please.
CLEMENTINE RUNS OFF.
AVA
Okay. Let’s not make this too complicated. If we get all the Moms and Dads inside the diner, that should solve the problem, as long as we can keep them in there long enough.
GLORIA
It seems like they can’t even see us, though.
AVA
We’ve got to make them see us. Also, the hard part is, we can’t just drag them in here, we’ve got to convince them to go into the diner.
GLORIA
Why?
AVA
Just trust me.
GLORIA
Fine. So, mom and dad had some martial problems?
FRANK
Uh, I mean, they never split up but they did fight a lot.
JUNE
My mom said she never understood their relationship.
FRANK
She did?
JUNE
Yeah. Did you?
FRANK
No, I guess not.
GLORIA
Okay. We’ve got six rooms. Everybody take a room and try to convince them to have a cup of coffee at the diner that just appeared in the parking lot.
LEIF
Gloria, are you seriously asking this particular group of people to help them work out their marital problems?
GLORIA
Yes.
LEIF
Show of hands, who here feels comfortable being a marriage counselor?
GLORIA
...
AVA
...
CASPAR
...
ZEBULON
Well, both of our hands are up.
GLORIA
Leif, we’re never the right people for any situation we’re in, we’re just the only ones around.
LEIF
Fair point.
AVA
I’m going to hate this.
GLORIA
Everybody pick a room. Let’s go.
TERRIC
Gloria, I’ll take a room.
GLORIA
You should probably talk to Clementine.
TERRIC
She ran off somewhere. I think maybe we should fix whatever problem this is first.
GLORIA
Are you sure, it could get pretty weird in there.
TERRIC
Because of the temporal anomalies?
GLORIA
Because you have to help someone with their marriage.
TERRIC
I have a degree in Psychology.
GLORIA
You do?
TERRIC
I’m a seven hundred year old scholar, Gloria, I’ve got a degree in pretty much everything.
GLORIA
Really?
TERRIC
University of Copenhagen, 1932.
GLORIA
1932?
TERRIC
It’s been a while, but I’m sure it’ll come back to me.
GLORIA
Okay, uh, lobotomies are bad now.
TERRIC
Great, I’m updated.
GLORIA
Get in there.
CASPAR
Hey. I’m about to go help someone with their marriage.
GLORIA
I know.
CASPAR
Which should be the beginning of a joke.
GLORIA
Yes.
CASPAR
But instead it’s a real thing that’s happening.
GLORIA
Caspar, I’m about to get in there as well and the word marriage makes me literally start packing a suitcase for no reason.
CASPAR
This is going to be ridiculous.
AVA
I’m taking room seven, come do this with me.
CASPAR
What?
AVA
Terric’s going to help so we can double up.
CASPAR
I’m not going to help your success rate in there.
AVA
I know but when it goes wrong I can blame you.
CASPAR
Okay.
GLORIA
Frank, June, you can probably be a lot of help here because you actually knew them. I know you think you’re going crazy but we really need you to pick a room and try and make something happen.
FRANK
Uh...
JUNE
Uncle Pete died not too long ago now, it’s... it’s a lot.
GLORIA
Jesus. Right, um... Well, here’s something that I’ve learned in this completely nuts situation that I’m in... It’s all happening. It’s all happening right now. The past, the future, they’re all just pages in a book. But the whole book is right in front of you. There’s an opportunity here. Because you’ve read the book. Which means you can go back to the beginning and see the story in a completely different way. You get to talk to the past from the future. Maybe since you know the end, you have something to say about the beginning.
JUNE
... You’re a restaurant manager?
GLORIA
I prefer Taquera, but that’s fine.
FRANK
What if none of this works? Are we going to be stuck like this forever?
GLORIA
I’ve never seen anything last forever. But how about we don’t think about failure right now?
FRANK
Okay.
JUNE
Which room are we taking?
FRANK
Let’s go with number one, I guess.
ROOM 9. TERRIC IS IN SESSION.
PETER
This is ridiculous. We’re just going around in circles again.
TERRIC
I hear you, Peter, let’s try and start again. Stephanie, you mentioned wanting to move to a new town, and Peter, you have strong ties to this community. Can you both share your perspectives?
STEPHANIE
I've been feeling the need for a fresh start. This is a small town. A VERY small town, I can walk across the entire town in an afternoon.
PETER
That’s not true, the town is much bigger than that-
TERRIC
Peter, please, you’ll have your turn, let’s hear from Stephanie right now.
STEPHANIE
We’re trying to raise kids. Kids need to be exposed to things. There’s only so many things they can be exposed to in a town that only exists because of an onslaught of skiers every winter.
TERRIC
Peter, can you understand her position?
PETER
Exposing them to things cuts both ways. There’s a lot going on in bigger cities, maybe things we don’t want to expose them to.
STEPHANIE
This is what he does, every time we talk about this he imagines we’re moving to some urban hellscape that he saw in a movie one time.
PETER
We saw Death Wish in the the theater and it was very disturbing.
STEPHANIE
It wasn’t a documentary, Peter.
TERRIC
Peter, you seem to have deep roots in this community, can you tell me what these roots mean to you?
PETER
I grew up here, my parents still live here, and I've built strong relationships here. It feels like home, and leaving it behind feels like abandoning a part of myself.
TERRIC
And Stephanie, I’m sure you can understand that.
STEPHANIE
Sorry, his parents living here is not the selling point he thinks it is.
PETER
She just doesn’t understand that because she doesn’t get along with her parents.
STEPHANIE
Or your parents, but who’s counting?
TERRIC
Okay, we’re not going to get anywhere by disqualifying each other’s feelings.
STEPHANIE
You’re right, I’m sorry.
TERRIC
This is good, though. I feel like we’re moving in the right direction. Now we need to try and look for some common ground, okay?
STEPHANIE
(Coming from the neighboring room.)
Oh Jesus Christ you’re as rigid as a fucking cadaver!!
STEPHANIE (CONT’D)
Yikes. Glad we’re not those two.
PETER
I don’t know who they are but they sound like a mess.
ROOM SEVEN. CASPAR AND AVA. IT’S A MESS. CASPAR AND AVA LISTEN OUTSIDE THE DOOR.
PETER (CONT’D)
Oh really? A cadaver? Well that’s a new one!
STEPHANIE
There’s no room to breathe with you!
PETER
I’m sorry, which one of us isn’t breathing, I thought I was the cadaver.
CASPAR
That was a good one.
STEPHANIE
Everything, EVERYTHING Has to be a certain way. From the laundry to the lives of our kids.
PETER
Well I’m sorry that I don’t want to spend our lives like its unstructured “me time” at some sort of Dutch primary school!
AVA
What?
STEPHANIE
What does that even mean?!
PETER
I’ve done everything I can to make us a life here! Nothing makes you happy!
STEPHANIE
Who could be happy here, Peter? Who in their right mind?
PETER
I’m happy here.
STEPHANIE
Exactly.
AVA
Ooh, got him.
CASPAR
Nice.
PETER
So we’ve raised our children in a town that you think is full of idiots.
STEPHANIE
Yes. It’s perfect for them because they’re idiots too.
AVA
Heh. Kids are dumb.
CASPAR
Did my moms talk about me this way?
AVA
I sure hope so.
CASPAR
How come they’re not noticing each other or noticing a huge diner in the parking lot?
AVA
The mind does some pretty crazy things to keep operating. I imagine they’re tuning out a lot right now.
CASPAR
They should tune each other out, they sound like they’re about to kill each other.
AVA
Let’s get in there.
CASPAR
Okay.
THEY OPEN THE DOOR.
CASPAR (CONT’D) Hey there!
PETER
Excuse me, can I help you?
CASPAR
Sorry, we were next door.
AVA
We were next door and we couldn’t help but hear the shouting.
CASPAR
Yeah, everything okay over here?
STEPHANIE
Does it sound like it’s okay?
AVA
It sounds hilarious.
CASPAR
It sounds like you’re having some trouble.
PETER
We’re fine, alright? We just need some privacy.
CASPAR
Hey, when I’m having troubles sometimes I like to have a cup of coffee.
STEPHANIE
A what?
CASPAR
A nice cup of coffee. Nothing makes a wrong situation right like a cup of coffee, you know what I mean?
AVA
Are you doing a Sanka ad?
CASPAR
Maybe you should head over to that diner there and have a cup of coffee?
PETER
Diner?
STEPHANIE
You’re wasting your time, this man has no vices. He’s like a Mormon without the magic underwear.
PETER
Do you see what I have to put up with?
CASPAR
Look, it looks like a lot.
AVA
Getting obliterated by your wife is a full time job.
CASPAR
But every marriage has it’s challenges right?
AVA
Think how challenging it is for her to come up with sick burns all the time.
CASPAR
What I’m saying is... look, you obviously care about each other very much and it’s confusing because she-
AVA
Is hilarious.
CASPAR
-Has an odd way of showing affection. I mean, you both do, you’re both attacking each other-
AVA
She’s just better at it, and I’m sure that’s rough for you.
CASPAR
Are we helping or are you having a little comedy festival over there?
AVA
Both?
PETER
It’s difficult when this happens. I feel like I’m trying to talk about the issue and she’s just trying to win some sort of contest.
CASPAR
Well I don’t know if that’s entirely fair, Pete, but I hear what you’re saying. I mean, it’s tough. You obviously care about her very much but also she appears to covered in tiny poisonous barbs.
STEPHANIE
Excuse me?
CASPAR
Speaking metaphorically. Metaphorical poisonous barbs.
STEPHANIE
That’s not much better.
CASPAR
And you get it. Right? Some people cover themselves with a spiky personality to keep the shitheads away but the spikes do not retract, that’s not how tiny poisonous barbs work. They’re always there, which puts you in the position to just keep getting stung, and develop an immunity to the poison spikes.
STEPHANIE
Can we get away from the poison spikes analogy?
CASPAR
Because you know you can’t help yourself. You can’t help but reach out to her, you feel compelled to, call that whatever you like. You come to get used to the fact that getting close to her involves a certain amount of injury to yourself.
AVA
And Stephanie, you’re over there saying “Really? Him?
This is the guy?” Because you had already imagined the guy who would keep coming back, and you imagined he would be, I don’t know, better? You’ve created this person in your mind and they’re this great combination of the genius of Marie Curie and the unbridled hotness of Michael Faraday.
STEPHANIE
What?
PETER
Who?
AVA
But he does keeps coming back... And you admire that a little and then you also hate him because you admire it. And then there’s this other terrible moment where you realize that it’s nice to be wanted. And you also hate THAT. Which makes you even more mad. And it’s made even worse by the fact that he SUCKS. And he has fucked up so many times, especially that one time, you know the time I’m talking about.
STEPHANIE
I don’t.
CASPAR
And you’ve apologized, Pete. You really have, you’ve tried to make up for that one time when you fucked up really bad but, y’know, that doesn’t matter because apologizing doesn’t mean that your apology has been accepted. It doesn’t mean that she’s under any obligation to accept your apology, all you can really do is apologize and hope for the best, and try to do better right? That’s how you feel.
PETER
I’m not sure-
AVA
You spend a lot of time studying the universe, Stephanie.
STEPHANIE
I don’t.
AVA
And in your studies you’ve come to terms with chaos. You can’t control what the universe brings you. You’re an island.
All you have at your disposal are the trees and tiny creatures that live on your island, and whatever the ocean washes up on your shore. What washes up on the shore is mostly garbage, but sometimes it’s useful and sometimes it’s something you didn’t know you needed.
STEPHANIE
And I’m not sure if I need this.
PETER
Are you sure you’re talking about us?
CASPAR
We’re absolutely talking about you.
AVA
Definitely.
PETER
Okay.
STEPHANIE
Uh...
PETER
You said there was coffee across the way?
CASPAR
Yes! Go have some.
AVA
It’s great coffee.
STEPHANIE
Maybe they’ll be gone when we get back?
PETER
Good idea.
STEPHANIE
Okay, well, nice to meet you.
CASPAR
You too!
PETER AND STEPHANIE WALK OUT.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
I feel like we nailed it.
AVA
God, it must be so hard to be disconnected from reality like that.
CASPAR
Tell me about it, it looks terrible.
ROOM 3. LEIF TAKES A SWING AT IT.
PETER
I have tried everything at this point.
STEPHANIE
Yes. Everything except one thing. Are you giving up yet?
PETER
I don’t appreciate how callus you’re being about this.
STEPHANIE
I’m at my whit’s end, Pete.
THERE’S A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
PETER
What is this now?
DOOR OPENS.
PETER (CONT’D) Yes?
LEIF
Hey there.
PETER
Can I help you?
LEIF
Sorry to disturb you. I’m uh... I’m with the motel staff and we’ve been getting some complaints about the noise.
PETER
You’re with the motel staff.
LEIF
Yes.
PETER
I’m the owner of this motel.
LEIF
I’m sorry?
PETER
I own this place.
LEIF
You do?
PETER
Yes.
LEIF
Huh. Okay, well I just started, the manager must not have told you.
PETER
I am also the manager of this motel.
LEIF
Huh.
STEPHANIE
What is happening?
LEIF
Look, I was next door and I was hearing a lot of yelling and I thought I would say something before somebody complained.
PETER
Complained?
LEIF
Yeah.
PETER
Complained to who?
LEIF
The... manager.
PETER
Which is who again?
LEIF
... You.
PETER
I’m trying to have a conversation with my wife.
LEIF
Okay, well, manager or not, that’s not a conversation, that’s a shouting match.
PETER
Honey, the conversation police are here.
STEPHANIE
I’ll hide the contraband.
LEIF
I’m not trying to be the cops, I’m just trying to be a neighbor.
PETER
Well, howdy, neighbor. How about I head over to your room and tell you how you should be living your life?
LEIF
C’mon man, I’m just letting you know what it sounds like from my perspective.
PETER
Thanks for letting us know.
STEPHANIE
The opinion of some random guy next door really means a lot to us.
LEIF
For fuck’s sake.
PETER
Are you going door to door?
STEPHANIE
How do we rank compared to the other rooms?
LEIF
You’d be surprised how similar it is.
STEPHANIE
Okay, well thanks for stopping by, this was fun.
PETER
Closing the door now.
LEIF
Wait a minute, hey, do you guys want to go grab a cup of coffee?
STEPHANIE
Do we what?
PETER
A cup of coffee?
STEPHANIE
Who are you?
LEIF
I’m Leif, I’m you’re neighbor, I’m trying to be neighborly!
STEPHANIE
Did we just move into a 1950s housing project? Are you going to bring us a casserole?
LEIF
Jesus Christ, this sucks.
PETER
It does suck, maybe consider that next time you decide to knock on a stranger’s door and elbow your way into their life.
STEPHANIE
Nobody’s named Leif anymore. Were you parents Scandinavian cheese makers?
LEIF
This is your last chance, do you want a cup of coffee?
PETER
Uh oh. Honey, it’s our last chance for a cup of coffee.
STEPHANIE
Forever? There’s no more coffee after this?
PETER
Apparently.
LEIF
Okay. Fine. You both suck. Could you hold this for me, please?
PETER
What is it?
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A VIOLENT ELECTRIC SHOCK AND THE MUSIC FOR A NIGHT TIME RADIO TALK SHOW FADES IN.
EFFIE
Welcome back to “Not Too Late”, I’m Dr. Barbara. Frank it is SUMmertime out there.
ZEBULON
It’s really heating up.
EFFIE
Do you have any tips for beating the heat? What’s your secret weapon?
ZEBULON
You know, this time of year I like to make sun tea.
EFFIE
Ooh, that sounds nice.
ZEBULON
I make a nice pitcher of sun tea all morning and then it keeps us all nice and cool for the rest of the day.
EFFIE
I love it Frank, I love it so much.
ZEBULON
How about you?
EFFIE
Well you know, I don’t do air-conditioning.
ZEBULON
That’s right, because of your pores.
EFFIE
Because of what it does to my pores. So what I like to do is, early in the morning, after I do my Ashtanga vinyasa, I open up all the doors and windows in the house and I let that morning air in, I release all that stale air that I’ve been breathing all night. It’s wonderful, I breathe in that air and I can smell the mesquite groves all around the house, it’s really a gift.
ZEBULON
It sounds nice, Doc.
EFFIE
But speaking of the heat, let’s not keep people heating up by the phone, let’s get to it.
ZEBULON
Alright, I had Pete and Stephanie on the line with marital troubles but we got disconnected, let me see if I can get them back.
EFFIE
Let’s track them down.
WE HEAR A PHONE RINGING. PETER ANSWERS.
PETER
Yes, hello?
EFFIE
Pete, how are you? You’re on with Dr. Barbara.
PETER
I’m what with who?
EFFIE
Pete, I hear that you and your wife are going through a bit of a time right now, is that safe to say?
PETER
What? Who is this?
EFFIE
You know, Pete, there’s nothing more complicated than a marriage. Nothing in the world. You can talk to me about the human nervous system or weather patterns or particle physics, but no, it’s two people trying to make a life long commitment to each other, that is the final frontier if you ask me.
PETER
I don’t believe I am asking you.
EFFIE
Pete, I’m going to perform a little test. I’m going to ask you what the root problem is with your marriage and you’re going to try and answer, are you ready?
STEPHANIE
Who are you talking to?
PETER
I don’t know, apparently I’m on the radio.
STEPHANIE Why?
PETER
How would I know?
EFFIE
Is that your wife, Pete? She can help with the test if you like.
STEPHANIE
What test, what is she talking about?
PETER
Well, she’s asking me what the root problem is with our marriage.
STEPHANIE
Ha! Well, that’s some fun serendipity, isn’t it? What’d you say?
PETER
I haven’t said anything, I just picked up the phone.
STEPHANIE
What’s your answer?
PETER
I’m not going to answer her question.
STEPHANIE
No, go ahead, I’d like to hear this. What’s her name?
EFFIE
It’s Dr. Barbara, Stephanie.
STEPHANIE
Dr. Barbara. Perfect. Come on, Pete. Let it rip.
PETER
I will not let it rip.
EFFIE
Stephanie, would you like to go first?
STEPHANIE
Absolutely not, I want to hear this.
PETER
Restlessness.
STEPHANIE
I’m sorry?
EFFIE
Well, then.
PETER
You heard me.
EFFIE
Did you hear what he said, Frank?
ZEBULON
Yeah, I heard him, he said restlessness.
EFFIE
That’s so interesting, isn’t it Frank?
ZEBULON
I know I’m interested.
EFFIE
Tell us more about that word you chose, Pete. Restlessness.
PETER
We have a good life here. It may be a small life, it may be in a small town on the side of a large mountain but it’s a good life. Good lives are hard to come by and I think we should be grateful for the one we have rather than leaving it because we think another one might be better.
EFFIE
And Stephanie, do you have anything to say to that?
STEPHANIE
I think a good life is subjective. I think what’s good for one person is not necessarily good for another. He’s talking about it like it’s this objective truth that I just don’t understand.
EFFIE
Okay, do you see what I mean about the complexity, Frank?
ZEBULON
I’ve got a headache just thinking about it.
EFFIE
Every human being is a story, kids. Frank, do you remember our first show together?
ZEBULON
I sure do, Doc. You stopped the whole show and said “Frank, what’s your story?”
EFFIE
That’s right.
ZEBULON
Somehow it ended with me giving the audience my chili recipe.
EFFIE
Oooh I remember that chili, so spicy!
STEPHANIE
What’s happening?
PETER
They’re talking about chili now.
EFFIE
Kids, I think the most important thing to remember right now is that all of this fighting is good. Conflict is just a relationship trying to grow, and the longer you talk, the greater the chance of the other person making sense. Everybody makes sense if you listen long enough.
STEPHANIE
We can’t seem to do that without it turning into a shouting match.
EFFIE
I see, Frank what do I have to say to that?
ZEBULON
Time to take it on the road.
EFFIE
That’s right Frank, take this conversation to a public place. Maybe go have a cup of coffee. It’ll be harder to scream at each other if you’re worried about your server calling the police.
STEPHANIE
That’s actually not a bad idea.
PETER
It’s completely unsolicited advice but it’s not bad advice.
EFFIE
Good. I’m excited you two. I’m excited what this next phase will bring and I know Frank’s excited too.
ZEBULON
I’m excited.
EFFIE
Good luck, kids. Frank, we are on a roll, let’s take another call.
OUTSIDE THE DINER. GLORIA HAS ROUNDED UP A COUPLE OF ANOMALIES.
GLORIA
Okay, head on inside you two, we’ll get you some coffee, okay?
WE HEAR TWO UNCONSCIOUS BODIES BEING DRAGGED ACROSS THE GRAVEL PARKING LOT.
GLORIA (CONT’D) Leif!
LEIF
What?
GLORIA
What the fuck?!
LEIF
What?
GLORIA
They’re unconscious!
LEIF
I had to give them the Secret Handshake.
GLORIA
Goddamn it, the what?
LEIF
It’s an old trick. Ninety nine times out of a hundred if you toss something to somebody, they’ll try and catch it. It’s a steel ball that shocks you when you catch it, AKA, The Secret Handshake.
GLORIA
Leif, Ava told us we have to convince them to come in.
LEIF
Well, sorry. I tried to get in there and... they both reminded me too much of my dad. The Secret Handshake was my only hope.
GLORIA
You can make a force field around the diner but you can’t sit through a marital dispute?
LEIF
Yeah, yeah, oh, the irony. I got them, didn’t I? Don’t tell Ava.
DOOR CHIME.
AVA
Don’t tell Ava what, Leif?
LEIF
Goddamnit.
CASPAR
Leif, what the fuck, man? That’s cheating.
EFFIE
Leif, what on God’s green earth are you doing?
ZEBULON
Perhaps he sung them to sleep?
LEIF
I don’t understand, why can’t we just drag them in here?
AVA
I don’t need to explain my instructions to you.
CASPAR
Leif, you can’t just treat people like cargo; you’re not Southwest Airlines.
LEIF
Whatever. They’re in the parking lot. That’s good enough.
EFFIE
Is it, though?
ZEBULON
We managed to round ours up without even going in the room, didn’t we, dear?
EFFIE
I’m calling it a personal best, myself. Far and above Mr. Drop Them Off in the Parking Lot over here.
CASPAR
How did Terric do?
GLORIA
Terric was the first one in, that guy’s a machine.
AVA
Well, look at that, first day at the diner and he’s already pulling his weight, how does that feel Leif?
LEIF
So we’re just forgetting when I saved our asses a couple of days ago?
AVA
You know what Janet Jackson would say?
GLORIA
What have you done for me lately?
LEIF
You’re all terribly ungrateful and I regret saving any of you.
CASPAR
Are you talking to us or your baseball card collection?
LEIF
Is that everybody?
GLORIA
No. Frank and June are still waiting outside the room. I’m going to give them a hand.
CASPAR
I’m going to go coffee the anomalies.
GLORIA CROSSES THE PARKING LOT TO FRANK AND JUNE. THEY ARE LISTENING AT THE DOOR.
GLORIA
Hey, you two. How are we doing?
JUNE
Uh. Frank how’re we doing?
FRANK
I don’t even know how to answer that question.
GLORIA
Yeah... Just to give you an update, it’s going well. We’ve got everyone in the diner except for yours.
FRANK
Ours?
JUNE
Yeah, it’s my Uncle Pete and Aunt Stephanie and his mom and dad. They’re kind of all “ours.”
GLORIA
I hear you...
FRANK
I can’t go in that room, I can’t do any of this. What are we even doing?
GLORIA
I know. But trust me this is going to work.
JUNE
What’s going to work?
GLORIA
We’re just trying to make things like they were.
FRANK
You’re asking me to go in there and talk to someone who...
GLORIA
Who died. I know.
JUNE
I mean, the weirdest thing that’s ever happened to us is when we saw a UFO one time.
GLORIA
Uh huh.
JUNE
So, this is up a few notches for us.
GLORIA
I see.
JUNE
And that was just a yellow triangle hovering above the town for a few minutes. I don’t even know what it was.
LEIF
(Calling from the diner.)
It’s a Toferian mapping drone. You see them all the time.
GLORIA
Leif.
LEIF
Sorry.
GLORIA
Look, I’ve been exactly where you are right now. I was down on my luck in Phoenix and then I stepped through those doors over there. That was that. Here I am now. I’ve stood in that parking lot and stared down a black hole. I met Space Pirates. I went back to the end of the Ice Age. I think what kept my brain from breaking is... what’s the real thing? What’s the real thing that’s happening? There’s a lot going on right now. A diner’s appeared in your parking lot, but what’s the real thing? Maybe the real thing is, you going in there and saying some things to your dad that you didn’t get to say.
FRANK
I don’t think that’s my dad in there.
GLORIA
And that’s fine too, Frank. Because it’s not actually about him. This is for you. Give it a shot.
JUNE
Fuck it, Frank, let’s get in there.
FRANK
Fine. Okay.
THE DOOR TO THE MOTEL ROOM OPENS AND PETER AND STEPHANIE ARE MID-ARGUMENT.
PETER
We’ve been through the options a million times. Charleston, Boston, Madison, Santa Fe, Austin two times.
STEPHANIE
You’re just listing the names of cities now, this isn’t helpful.
PETER
You’re right. None of this has been helpful.
FRANK
Okay, can you two just stop please?
PETER
Who are you?
STEPHANIE
Please, come on in, don’t bother knocking.
JUNE
This is weird.
FRANK
We can hear you arguing across the parking lot.
STEPHANIE
Which isn’t an invitation for you to come on in.
PETER
Can you give us some privacy, please? Whoever you are.
FRANK
I came in here to say that this is ridiculous and both of you need to just knock it off, okay?
STEPHANIE
This is none of your business.
FRANK
You two do this all the time. Why? What are you doing? Do you even know what you’re doing?
PETER
Again, trying to have a private conversation.
FRANK
It’s not working. I... I stay here at this motel a lot and you two always show up, go into a room, and scream at each other for hours. Just stop it.
PETER
I think how we choose to spend our time is none of your-
FRANK
You’re stuck with each other. Okay? You come here and you argue all night long about the same thing: Moving out of town or not. But it’s not about that is it? It never was. It’s about getting a divorce.
STEPHANIE
That’s not true.
JUNE
Yes, it is, guys.
STEPHANIE
How do you know?
JUNE
Because everybody knows. We live here in town, everybody knows. Especially your kids.
FRANK
Especially your kids.
JUNE
Did the two of you know that there’s a running bet down at the Sheep’s Eye? The Pete and Stephanie divorce pool. Like, that’s the official name. There’s an envelope in the cash register that says Sturgis’ Divorce on it. Minimum bet is twenty dollars. They’ve been collecting for years. Who keeps joking about it?
FRANK
Celeste.
JUNE
Celeste. Celeste Joos keeps saying she’s going to retire as soon as her Sturgis divorce money comes in. She’s in deep actually, we’re a little worried about it.
STEPHANIE
Is this true?
FRANK
Yes. It’s true. And it’s ridiculous. Do you want to know why? Because you’re never going to break up.
JUNE
Yeah, it’s kind of like wondering if your cat is ever going to start talking to you.
PETER
How do you know anything about us?
FRANK
Guys. When you break into several arguments several times a month at various public places all around town, everyone is going to know everything about you. Your marriage is a spectator sport.
JUNE
But not like a baseball game where you don’t know who’s going to win. It’s more like pro wrestling. It’s loud and it’s entertaining, but it’s very obviously fake.
FRANK
Because you are never going to break up.
STEPHANIE
Do they really talk about us like that?
PETER
How do you know any of this?
FRANK
There are billions of people in the world, Pete. So many fish in the sea. But I swear to god, no matter how many people are out there, the only one out there for you two weirdos is each other. There is literally no one else on God’s green earth that will put up with your weird bullshit.
STEPHANIE
We don’t have weird bullshit.
JUNE
Stephanie, are you banned from shopping at Fred Meyer?
STEPHANIE
... Yes.
JUNE
Why?
STEPHANIE
... Because they were incorporating the weight of their packing material into the price of their meat and seafood, which is illegal.
JUNE
And that got you banned from all their locations why?
STEPHANIE
Because I filed a complaint with their head office.
JUNE
Uh huh. Keep going.
STEPHANIE
And they ignored me.
JUNE
We’re almost there.
STEPHANIE
... So I started stealing salmon from the meat section.
JUNE
There we go. Super normal reaction.
STEPHANIE
They were stealing from us, I can’t steal from them?
JUNE
Well obviously not, because they had you arrested.
FRANK
Pete, what was it like to get that call? “I’m sorry, you’ve arrested my wife for what?”
JUNE
Who was in the holding cell with you, some grizzly bears?
STEPHANIE
I’ll have you know that the State Attorney General eventually investigated them and they got fined a million dollars.
JUNE
What’s it like to be married to the Rosa Parks of line-caught salmon, Pete?
STEPHANIE
Ok, ha ha, everybody laugh at the fish thief, fine. What’s the point you’re trying to make?
FRANK
The point is, you two didn’t fight about that. He had to bail you out of jail for the most ridiculous crime in the history of the state of Oregon and you didn’t fight about it.
PETER
Of course we didn’t, she was right.
STEPHANIE
I was right.
FRANK
See? You think that’s a typical response? It’s not. You are the only person who would steal fish from a grocery store as some sort of ridiculous social protest and HE’s the only guy who wouldn’t get mad about it.
JUNE
Okay, let’s do Pete now.
FRANK
Pete, we should probably talk about Boodles.
JUNE
Oh my God, I forgot about Boodles.
FRANK
You adopted a dog named Boodles, didn’t you Pete?
PETER
... Yes, I adopted a Dog named Boodles.
FRANK
A fan of dogs, Pete?
PETER
... I’ve never really been a pet person.
JUNE
Stephanie, how do you feel about dogs?
STEPHANIE
Not really a fan.
FRANK
And yet Pete came home with a dog.
STEPHANIE Yes.
FRANK
What gives, Pete?
PETER
He was going to be euthanized, he had stayed at the shelter too long.
FRANK
I see, that’s very noble. Can you think of any reason why Boodles had been at the shelter too long?
PETER
... There was a smell.
FRANK
“There was a smell.”
STEPHANIE
Saying that dog had a smell is like saying the Beatles were fairly well known.
JUNE
You gave him a bath five times, Pete.
PETER
I did.
FRANK
Did it work?
PETER
It did not.
FRANK
Now, Boodles was a very old dog. But he did hang in there for three years, didn’t he? All the while stinking up the whole house.
JUNE
It was the kind of smell that felt like punishment from God or a fairy’s curse or something. It was not a natural smell.
PETER
It was bad.
FRANK
You had to keep the windows in the house open in the winter time.
PETER
Not all of the windows.
JUNE
It was a tough time in the house.
PETER
It was.
FRANK
And through it all, you never argued about the dog.
STEPHANIE No.
PETER
... No.
FRANK
The point I’m trying to make here is... Can you knock it off please? Can you stop it with the arguing all the time? All you’re doing is playing around with the idea that you’re going to break up, but you’re never going to. Because you both drive each other crazy, but on the important stuff, on the salmon stealing and the stinky old dog stuff, that’s the stuff you couldn’t find somewhere else... So, stop it.
JUNE
What we should probably also say is, people really love you guys. They love to gossip about you but, I don’t think they would know what to do without you.
FRANK
Guys. Go home. You don’t have to do this anymore. Go home. Your kids already know you’re here fighting. Go fight in front of them. They already know you’re not breaking up. They might appreciate the honesty.
PETER
Do you talk to your parents this way?
FRANK
No... but I should have. Go home.
JUNE
I mean-
FRANK
Oh right. Don’t go home, go over there and have a cup of coffee at that diner.
PETER
At the what?
JUNE
Don’t worry about it, here we go!
UP ON THE ROOF. CLEMENTINE IS HIDING.
TERRIC
Not a bad spot to hide.
CLEMENTINE
... What are you doing here? How did they find you?
TERRIC
I’m not sure how they found me. I’m not sure they know either.
CLEMENTINE
Why are you talking like that?
TERRIC
...They found me after I’d left Jerusalem.
CLEMENTINE
That doesn’t make any sense... What did I do to you?
TERRIC
I don’t think we should talk about that right now.
CLEMENTINE
Terric.
TERRIC
... They found me after I left Jerusalem... about seven hundred years after I left Jerusalem.
CLEMENTINE
...
TERRIC
Their theory is... That morning when we were in bed. I told you about the elixir of life... and that’s what did it... Time stopped for me, Clementine.
CLEMENTINE
Oh God...
TERRIC
Maybe there was a better way to tell you that, I’m not sure.
CLEMENTINE
You’ve been here the whole time?
TERRIC
Yes.
CLEMENTINE
You’ve been watching me destroy the world. The whole time.
TERRIC
I didn’t know it was you. But yes.
GLORIA
(Down on the ground.)
Okay, that’s the last of them.
LEIF
Let’s bag ‘em and tag ‘em.
GLORIA
Don’t say bag ‘em and tag ‘em.
CLEMENTINE
They picked you up because they thought you could convince me to stop?
TERRIC
They picked me up because they thought you were about to wave the white flag and would like to see a friendly face.
CLEMENTINE
Terric, do you understand how seeing your face right now has only made it a thousand times worse?
TERRIC
The thought crossed my mind.
CLEMENTINE
I destroyed my planet, Terric. Our planet.
TERRIC
I know.
CLEMENTINE
Terric, I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean to.
TERRIC
I know that too.
CLEMENTINE
And now you have to be here to see it. You have to see what I turned into.
TERRIC
Clementine-
CLEMENTINE
Do you think I wanted you to see me turn into a monster? Why would I want that?
TERRIC
Clementine, calm down-
CLEMENTINE
I didn’t mean it, Terric! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it!
TERRIC
Just breathe.
CLEMENTINE
I destroy everything I touch!
TERRIC
Clementine!
THERE IS A CRACKLE OF ENERGY AND DOZENS OF CARS BEGIN POURING INTO THE PARKING LOT. THE CARS PARK AND STEPHANIE AND PETE GET OUT OF EACH ONE OF THEM, PLAYING OUT THE EXACT SAME ARGUMENT AGAIN.
CLEMENTINE
Oh God. Oh no.
MEANWHILE, ON THE GROUND.
GLORIA
Ava?
AVA
Oh, fuck.
GLORIA
What’s happening?
AVA
How many are there?
LEIF
I count at least twenty.
CASPAR
They’re backed up all the way to the main highway, though.
EFFIE
Ava, I don’t think I’ve got to tell you, I have a bad feeling about this.
ZEBULON
It’s as though a dam has broken but it’s spilled out automobiles instead of water.
FRANK
I thought you were going to fix this?
JUNE
This is not what fixed looks like.
AVA
Caspar, go down to the entrance from the highway, see how many cars there are.
CASPAR
Okay.
AVA
It’s an appreciating anomaly.
LEIF
Oh, fuck.
GLORIA
What does that mean?
AVA
It’s replicating itself like a virus.
GLORIA
How fast is it replicating?
CASPAR
The entire highway is jammed with the same car! It stretches all the way around the mountain!
AVA
That was fast.
GLORIA
We can’t get all of them in the diner.
AVA
No, we can’t. What the hell happened? Where is she? Clementine?!
TERRIC
(From the roof.)
We’re up here.
AVA
What happened?
TERRIC
She got upset and then all of a sudden we’re standing in a car dealership.
AVA
Shit.
GLORIA
That’s the opposite of what we wanted you to do, Terric.
TERRIC
Sorry.
LEIF
We should get Clementine in here. Eventually the diner will sap her powers.
GLORIA
That’s a good idea.
AVA
No, it’s not.
GLORIA
Why?
AVA
We may be able to fix her, but that wont fix the anomaly.
GLORIA
Won’t it just go away?
AVA
No, it’ll continue.
GLORIA
For how long?
AVA
Indefinitely. Pete and Stephanie and their shitty car is going to keep replicating itself over and over again. The cars will eventually fill up the entire freeway. Then the entire state, then the country, then the world. Gloria, given a long enough timeline, this entire universe we’re in will be filled with copy after copy of Pete and Stephanie’s Hyundai Sonata.
GLORIA
That’s impossible.
AVA
Not anymore.
GLORIA
Well, what the fuck are we supposed to do?
ZEBULON
My friends, I fear all that’s left is to solve the problem at it’s source.
AVA
I just said, that’s not going to work.
EFFIE
Perhaps the problem is not for us to fix, Ava. But for somebody to start cleaning up their own messes.
AVA
... Okay I have an idea.
GLORIA
Great!
AVA
It’s an idea that will either work perfectly or erase all of existence including us.
GLORIA
... Fantastic.
CASPAR
There’s not a third option?
LEIF
What do we do?
AVA
Nothing. Terric!
TERRIC
Yeah?
AVA
Is she up there?
TERRIC
Yeah.
AVA
Keep her there, I’m coming to you.
TERRIC
Okay.
GLORIA
What are you going to do?
AVA
The way I see it. Clementine is like heavy artillery. She just needs someone who knows how to aim her. Caspar, if I don’t come back, just remember: I hate you.
CASPAR
I know.
AVA WALKS TOWARD THE MOTEL.
GLORIA
... All of existence, huh?
CASPAR
I mean, really, were we doing that great of a job with existence anyway?
LEIF
An old shake of the Etch-a-Sketch never hurt anybody.
GLORIA
Do we get to pick what we come back as?
LEIF
If so, it’s sixteenth century boatwright for me.
GLORIA
Chocolatier.
CASPAR
Host of Family Feud.
EFFIE
Dear, let’s be vintners.
ZEBULON
Wine makers?
EFFIE
I want to get into one of those barrels with my bare feet and smash grapes.
ZEBULON
That’s very fancy. I could grow a mustache.
EFFIE
No.
JUNE
Could I play the saxophone?
FRANK
What is wrong with you people?!
UP ON THE ROOF.
CLEMENTINE
(Repeating over and over to herself.)
Time is the substance I am made of. Time is a river that sweeps me along, but I am the river; it is a tiger which destroys me, but I am the tiger; it is a fire which consumes me... but I am the fire.
AVA
How’s she doing?
TERRIC
She’s repeating this over and over again.
AVA
Terric, I’m getting the sense that seeing you again was not the instant solution we were hoping it would be.
TERRIC
I probably could’ve told you that. What’s happening down there?
AVA
The universe is filling up with cars.
TERRIC
Cars?
AVA
And to make it worse, it’s all Hyundai Sonatas. Not even a cool car.
TERRIC
The entire universe?
AVA
I know. Here you were thinking “I’m seven hundred years old, I’ve seen it all.” Guess what?
TERRIC
Can you do something to fix this, please?
AVA
Yes. Although what I do may actually obliterate us all so, apologies in advance.
TERRIC
What?
AVA
Clementine? Hey, Clementine. Clementine!
CLEMENTINE
Don’t yell at me, something bad might happen.
AVA
It might happen? Seriously?
CLEMENTINE
Please make it stop.
AVA
Okay. Clementine, I have to say, I’ve enjoyed our time together a little bit. I like breaking things. And you’re really good at breaking things. But you’re starting to really fuck with these universes, Lady. And that’s a problem, because these aren’t your universes, Clementine... They’re mine. These are my universes and you’re fucking them up and I don’t like it when people mess with my shit.
CLEMENTINE
Make it stop!
AVA
Okay. Try and stay calm. This is going to get weird. Close your eyes and don’t open them until I tell you to, okay?
CLEMENTINE Okay.
AVA
Imagine there is a pice of paper in front of you. Let’s make it a really nice piece of paper. I’m talking Japanese calligraphy level quality. The kind of paper that’s so beautiful you almost don’t want to write on it.
One person spent hours mulching wood and drying it on a screen so that you could be presented with this beautiful blank sheet. Do you see it?
CLEMENTINE Yes.
AVA
Now everything else is going to fade away. Every sound you hear is going to fade into the background until it’s completely gone.
EVERY SOUND FADES AWAY. THERE IS COMPLETE SILENCE.
CLEMENTINE
Where did everything go?
AVA
Don’t open your eyes.
CLEMENTINE
Where is it?
AVA
The only thing that exists now is you and me and the sheet of paper in front you.
CLEMENTINE
Why is it all gone?
AVA
Because we’re starting from scratch. You have an ink brush in your hand. Do you see it?
CLEMENTINE Yes.
AVA
It’s wet with ink. Reach out with the brush and make one single dot on the paper. Do you see the dot on the paper?
CLEMENTINE Yes.
AVA
That dot is a universe. At its very beginning. Unformed. Everything that could be is in that one dot. Do you see it?
CLEMENTINE Yes.
AVA
Reach out to the piece of paper. With your thumb, I want you to smudge the ink. Smear it across the page.
CLEMENTINE Okay.
AVA
Did you smear the ink across the page?
CLEMENTINE Yes.
AVA
Good. Your universe now has two dimensions. Can you feel it growing?
CLEMENTINE Yes.
AVA
We don’t need the paper anymore, do we?
CLEMENTINE
No.
AVA
I want you to imagine the paper disappearing, but when it disappears the ink spot stays. That trail of ink you made on the paper, your universe, is now floating in front of you. Do you see it?
CLEMENTINE
I see it.
AVA
Now, with each hand, just your first finger and thumb, I want you to pull the ink spot apart like it’s silly putty. Keep pulling and expanding it until it’s the size of an egg.
CLEMENTINE Okay.
AVA
Do you see it?
CLEMENTINE Yes.
AVA
You just created a third dimension.
CLEMENTINE
... There’s so much inside it.
AVA
I know.
CLEMENTINE
It’s beautiful.
AVA
I know. But we’re not done. A new universe floats in front of you like a cluster of Cottonwood seeds. Reach out with both hands and cradle it in your palms. Everything that exists is in your hands. Now, very gently move the universe from the left side of your vision, to your right, and then slowly bring it back again... Did you do it?
CLEMENTINE Yes.
AVA
You just created time. How does it feel?
CLEMENTINE
I love it so much.
AVA
You created it, of course you do. But now you’ve given it four dimensions, which means it can grow by itself. Is it getting bigger?
CLEMENTINE Yes.
AVA
It’s the size of a baseball, then a globe, then a beachball, then a house, a mountain, a planet, a solar system, a galaxy... and then it’s the size of everything. We’re now inside it, floating through it all. We can go anywhere you want. In the long arms of a particular galaxy you can see a familiar blue dot. You float towards it, through the clouds and down towards a small town on a mountainside. You float down onto the roof of a Motel.
THE SOUNDS OF THE FOREST FADE BACK IN. WE NO LONGER HEAR THE SOUND OF PETE AND STEPHANIE AND THE CARS.
LEIF
Whoa.
GLORIA
All the cars are gone.
CASPAR
Holy shit, Ava.
AVA
Open your eyes.
CLEMENTINE
What happened?
AVA
We started over. Kind of. Are they all gone down there?
GLORIA
Yeah, everyone.
AVA
Well, I guess I didn’t obliterate us.
FRANK
What the hell just happened?
CASPAR
Okay, for real though, did Ava just do magic?
CLEMENTINE
Thank you.
AVA
You’re welcome, dummy.
CLEMENTINE
What did you do?
AVA
I didn’t do much of anything. I just told you what to do.
CLEMENTINE
How did you know what to do?
AVA
I’m really smart, Clementine. The more power you have the more knowledge you have to have. The more you can do, the more you need to know what you should do. If you don’t you get a universe full of Hyundai Sonatas.
CLEMENTINE
... Is it over?
AVA
Not yet. The next part is the most important part. You and Terric are going to go down to the diner, sit at a booth and you’re going to drink coffee and eat pancakes until we’ve sucked all the terrible bullshit out of you. It could take a while, you’re full of a lot of bullshit.
TERRIC
What’s that going to do to her?
AVA
Honestly, I’m not sure.
CLEMENTINE
It doesn’t matter. I’ll do it. I have to.
AVA
Okay. Let’s get off this roof then. You need to go down and apologize to literally everyone.
CLEMENTINE Okay.
EFFIE
Dear, we’ve got to put some music on because that was a whole dang experience.
ZEBULON
Agreed, dear.
SONG:
LEIF
... Anyway, you’ll see these triangular yellow drones from Toferius sometimes. They hover for a minute of so, grab some data and then they’re gone, it’s no big deal.
JUNE
What kind of data are they grabbing?
LEIF
They make maps. They’re nuts about maps, the whole planet, it’s weird.
CLEMENTINE
Hey Leif, do you mind if I talk to Frank and June for a second?
LEIF
No problem. Nice to meet you two.
FRANK
Sure.
CLEMENTINE
Hey, guys.
JUNE
Hey... So... Apparently Leif used to be a Space Pirate.
CLEMENTINE Yes.
FRANK
Normal shit.
JUNE
I mean, it is the most normal thing we’ve heard today.
FRANK
That’s true.
JUNE
And the radio?
CLEMENTINE
Uh, I don’t think anyone actually knows the story there.
FRANK
They’re telling us that you were just trying to get home.
CLEMENTINE
I was. I could travel anywhere I wanted except back home. So, I kept changing things in my past, hoping it would lead me back there. In the process I... caused all this. Now I’ll never get back there.
FRANK
And home was in the future?
CLEMENTINE
Not your future. Another future of another Earth. It’s hard to explain.
JUNE
No, I get it.
FRANK
You do?
JUNE
Yes. Because I watched Star Trek. Who’s laughing now?
CLEMENTINE
I’m so sorry.
FRANK
I guess now I understand why you were never honest with us.
CLEMENTINE
Yeah.
JUNE
I mean, in a strange way I guess it all makes sense now.
FRANK
I mean, it doesn’t make SENSE sense.
JUNE
Oh no.
FRANK
But it makes sense.
CLEMENTINE
Thank you both for being so nice to me this whole time. I really did like it here.
FRANK
You know, Clementine, you may not ever get home but that doesn’t mean you’ll never “be home” y’know? You heard my mom, she hated it here, but she made us her home. Sometimes home isn’t a place.
AVA
Hey there. Mind if I butt in? I need to debrief the motel people before we go.
CLEMENTINE
Yeah. I need to make a bunch of apologies anyway.
JUNE
Bye Clementine.
AVA
So. Hi.
JUNE
So you’re, like, the doctor of the ship right?
AVA
It’s not a ship.
JUNE
But you’re like the smart person with the ideas.
AVA
Sure.
JUNE
See? Star Trek again. I’m lapping you.
AVA
I wanted to mention something before we go. Uh... We may have fixed things here but there’s actually no such thing as a fixed thing.
FRANK
What do you mean?
AVA
Well, some weird shit went down. We fixed it but there may be some... residual effects.
FRANK
Residual effects?
AVA
Things may still be a little weird around here.
JUNE
Things are always weird around here.
AVA
Right. This would be a new category of weird.
FRANK
What exactly does this new category of weird look like?
AVA
Really no idea. Just keep a look out for that, okay?
JUNE
...Okay.
AVA
Oh and, Frank? Clementine told me that at one point she... disintegrated your body... and then she reconstructed your body from ambient molecules in the atmosphere?
FRANK
She... I’m sorry she what now?
AVA
Reconstructed your body after disintegrating it.
FRANK
Uh huh.
AVA
But you look like you’re doing great so just... keep a lookout for that as well.
FRANK
... Okay.
CLEMENTINE
Hi.
TERRIC
Hi.
CLEMENTINE
Okay. When I look at you I literally feel every human emotion and it’s overwhelming so I just need to say something.
TERRIC
Okay.
CLEMENTINE
... Actually I think I already said the thing I needed to say, it was the every human emotion thing. I put the cart before the horse. I guess I’m trying to say-
TERRIC
Clementine. I’m going to stand here in this parking lot until this place starts traveling through the space time continuum because it’s really an amazing thing to see. Then you and I are going to go inside and have pancakes. Okay?
CLEMENTINE
... Okay.
CASPAR
This parking lot was full of cars and then you talked to Clementine and all the cars disappeared, what kind of Kriss Angel nonsense is that?
AVA
I’ve told you for years that I am a sorcerer and you don’t listen to me. But I shouldn’t be surprised because you never listen to me.
CASPAR
I listen to you all the time. It’s not my fault that I only understand thirty percent of the things you say.
AVA
Thirty percent is generous.
CASPAR
It’s tricky with you physics people because you have these cool names for things that turn out to be super boring like Monstrous Moonshine.
AVA
Monstrous Moonshine is fascinating.
CASPAR
Does it involve either monsters or moonshine? No, it does not, it’s a total misnomer and I think the physics community should watch itself.
AVA
Okay, stop for a second.
CASPAR
What?
AVA
I want to talk to you about something.
CASPAR
Ok.
AVA
I’m concerned with some things you’ve been saying lately.
CASPAR
What things when?
AVA
When we were in the deep freeze...
WE BEGIN TO HEAR A FAMILIAR SOUND IN THE DISTANCE.
CASPAR
... Ava?... Ava, what’s happening?
AVA
That sound.
CASPAR
What?
AVA
Do you hear that?
CASPAR
Uh, maybe. I think I hear something.
AVA
Leif?
LEIF
I hear it.
CASPAR
What is it?
GLORIA
It’s Chuck.
CASPAR
It’s Chuck? 4th dimensional being Chuck? He has theme music now? Like Foxy Brown?
AVA
There’s a sound we heard the last time he showed up.
GLORIA
And the time before that.
CASPAR
Okay. Well, he’s the one who sent us on this wild ride looking for Clementine, maybe he wants to congratulate us now. Maybe this is the loot chest at the end of the adventure.
EFFIE
Gloria.
GLORIA
What?
EFFIE
We must go. Now.
CLEMENTINE
Ow!
TERRIC
Clementine?
CLEMENTINE
Ow, FUCK Ow!
TERRIC
Clementine, what’s wrong?
CLEMENTINE
I don’t know. OW! Goddamnit!
GLORIA
What’s happening, Terric?
TERRIC
I don’t know.
EFFIE
Gloria. We’ve been decieved.
CLEMENTINE
(Voice transforming.)
OOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW! Ahh! What’s happening?
AVA
It’s Chuck.
CASPAR
He’s killing her.
GLORIA
Why? It’s over, we won!
LEIF
The point wasn’t to stop her. He just wanted us to wear her down and then flush her out so he could-
CLEMENTINE
PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!
TERRIC
Do something!
CASPAR
We were his fucking hunting dogs.
LEIF
He’s going to kill her right in front of us.
CLEMENTINE
Terric?! What’s happening?!
GLORIA
Somebody give me some options!
AVA
Uh... Leif! Go up on the roof and turn on the wind chimes.
LEIF
Why?
AVA
I think it may distract him, it may buy us some time.
LEIF
Okay, I’m going.
CASPAR
This was his plan the whole goddamn time. We can’t let her just die.
GLORIA
We’re not going to.
CLEMENTINE
FUCKING STOP IT!
LEIF
(On the roof.)
Wind chimes are on!
GLORIA
How long until we jump?
LEIF
We’re a ways off.
GLORIA
Fuck. Clementine? Clementine, what’s happening?
CLEMENTINE
(The pain easing off a bit.)
I don’t... I don’t know... it’s like I’m having my insides ripped out.
GLORIA
Clementine, you teleported the diner to get us here, can you do it again?
CLEMENTINE
I can’t... I can’t I’m too weak.
ZEBULON
We’ve been pawns this entire time. We must protect her, Gloria.
GLORIA
How?
ZEBULON
I am not asking you to pray, but to find the closest thing you can.
CLEMENTINE
Oh God, it’s starting again. OOOOOW!
AVA
He’s finding a way through.
GLORIA
I am officially sick of this. Frank, June.
JUNE
Is she going to be okay?
FRANK
What’s happening?
GLORIA
I’m sorry you two. Best of luck, now get off the parking lot.
FRANK
What?
GLORIA
Leif, can you get more power to the wind chimes?
LEIF
I can try.
CLEMENTINE
Gloria!
GLORIA
Clementine, you’ve got to hang in there, okay?
CLEMENTINE
What’s happening to me?
TERRIC
We’ve got to do something, what’s attacking her?
GLORIA
Hang on.
CASPAR
What are we going to do?
GLORIA
Stay out here okay?
CASPAR
What’s happening?
GLORIA
... I’m going to go get mad.
CASPAR
Mad?
GLORIA WALKS INSIDE THE DINER AND MAKES A B-LINE FOR THE KITCHEN. SHE PICKS UP A SPATULA AND REPEATEDLY BANGS IT ON THE GRILL.
GLORIA
Hey! I’m talking to you!... There’s a girl out there that’s about to be killed while you’re just sitting here. Are you listening to me?!... I know you’re listening to me. I know you listen to us all the time. I know we talk about how this place is random and just pops up in random places, but it doesn’t. You don’t do that do you?... In fact, I’m guessing nothing you do is random... I know you’re listening. I know you’re paying attention. There are guajillo peppers in that walk-in that you put there and I’ll bet my life you didn’t start doing that until I showed up. You’re listening. I’m guessing you have some sort of plan that we’ll never know, some great mystery, right? Well, I’m sick of it. I’m getting batted around by two forces out of my control: Chuck the 4th dimensional asshole... and you... Whatever you are... And frankly, getting batted around by forces out of my control? I had enough of that back home and I’m not doing it again. So here’s the deal. Whatever it is you’re up to? You need me. I know you do. You need all of us. And none of us are going to stand for you letting a girl die in the parking lot... You need us, so you need to start acting like it... Move... Now... Take this girl home.
OUTSIDE WE HEAR A CRACK AND THE DINER IS TRAVELING AGAIN. LEIF COMES IN THROUGH THE BACK DOOR.
LEIF
We jumped early. What happened?
GLORIA
I think I used my get out of jail free card.
LEIF
What do you mean?
GLORIA
You were saying that this place is listening to us right?
LEIF
Yeah.
GLORIA
So I yelled at it.
LEIF
Holy shit.
GLORIA
I’m guessing I get about one of those per lifetime.
LEIF
Nice work.
GLORIA
Let’s check on the problem child.
IN THE PARKING LOT.
TERRIC
How are you feeling?
CLEMENTINE
I’m okay. God that was terrible.
ZEBULON
I’m disappointed in myself that we were deceived.
EFFIE
We all are, Zebulon.
TERRIC
Deceived by who? Who are you talking about?
CASPAR
Someone sent us after you, Clementine.
CLEMENTINE Who?
CASPAR
I don’t know how to describe it. An entity. We named him Chuck.
AVA
We didn’t know he was going to try and kill you.
CASPAR
We did not.
TERRIC
Now what happens?
DOOR CHIME
GLORIA
Looks like we’re in the clear for now.
CASPAR
How did we jump early?
LEIF
Gloria yelled at the diner.
CASPAR
Yelled at it?
GLORIA
Yes. So, watch yourself.
CLEMENTINE
Gloria, what’s happening?
GLORIA
Looks like we’ve all got a lot of explaining to do, but for now we’re fine. I somehow convinced the diner to take you home, Clementine.
CLEMENTINE
... Oh God... I wish you hadn’t done that.
THE END