Chapter 30: Fangs Out!
THE LOW HUM OF FLUORESCENT LIGHTS. WE HEAR TERRIC HUMMING STELLA SPLENDENS TO HIMSELF.
VOICE OVER LOUDSPEAKER
Asset 7, please step back from the door.
TERRIC
(Speaking in an American accent now.)
I’m nowhere near the door.
THERE IS A BUZZ AND THE DOOR TO THE HOLDING CELL OPENS. SOMEONE WALKS IN.
TERRIC (CONT’D)
You’re not the usual person who brings me lunch.
TAMARA
I know... Where does it go? On this table?
TERRIC
That’s fine.
TAMARA CROSSES TO THE TABLE AND SETS DOWN THE LUNCH TRAY. SHE SITS.
TAMARA
... Well, come on. It’s going to get cold.
TERRIC
It’s usually cold when they serve it.
TAMARA
Get your ass over here.
TERRIC CROSSES THE ROOM.
TERRIC
Taco Tuesday again already?
TAMARA
I guess so.
TERRIC
... So who are you?
TAMARA
Tamara.
TERRIC
Nice to meet you.
TAMARA
Isn’t it?
TERRIC
... So, what do you do here? Are you the director or something?
TAMARA
I don’t work here.
TERRIC
... It’s hard to tell from inside this room, but I’m pretty sure this place is a secret government facility.
TAMARA
Oh, it definitely is. Very hard to find.
TERRIC
... And you just walked in.
TAMARA
Pretty much.
TERRIC
... Once a week a nurse comes in and takes a blood sample, then a man comes in and questions me. That’s happened 50 times, which I think means I’ve been here about a year... Then you show up.
TAMARA
This must be a nice change of pace.
TERRIC
It is. Also a strange one.
TAMARA
Well, I knew some people.
TERRIC
They must be pretty powerful people.
TAMARA
I don’t know if “powerful” is the word, but they’re the right people.
TERRIC
And I suppose if I told you I was in here because of a massive case of mistaken identity that wouldn’t help.
TAMARA
Not with me, it wouldn’t.
TERRIC
Because you know something other people don’t?
TAMARA
Yes.
TERRIC
What is that?
TAMARA
... You know, I’m a very rich woman.
TERRIC
I imagine so.
TAMARA
But I didn’t come from money. I was a security guard at a mall when I was young. But one lucky break and several good investments later and now I’ve got my own plane.
TERRIC
Let me guess, it’s one of those Red Baron Planes, you wear a leather cap and goggles.
TAMARA
It’s a G6. And for the past ten years I have been criss crossing the globe in it.
TERRIC
Why is that?
TAMARA
Because sometimes first class just won’t do it.
TERRIC
I mean why have you been criss crossing the globe?
TAMARA
Mind your business. So, the richer I got the more and more I was hanging around other rich people. And I don’t know if you know many rich people but, uh, “deeply strange” is the term I would use. At one point I’m on an island and I don’t even know what island I’m on. That’s a rich person thing, by the way, being on an island and not knowing where the hell you are. I’m in the lobby of a hotel looking out over the Mediterranean. And I’m surrounded by just an ungodly amount of these people. The GDP of Europe is in the lobby, okay? Anyway, I’m looking around and I’m thinking “What do they do? What do they do all day?” I’ve done very well for myself but, I guess it’s the poor kid in me, I still need something to do.
TERRIC
I thought that’s what charities and foundations were for.
TAMARA
Don’t get me wrong, I give my fair share, but there’s only so many benefit galas a woman can go to.
TERRIC
So how’d you fill your time?
TAMARA
By looking for a man... Not like that.
TERRIC
Okay.
TAMARA
A very elusive man.
TERRIC
What’s his name?
TAMARA
That’s part of the problem. He’s got a lot of them.
TERRIC
That’s confusing, he should pick one.
TAMARA
Oh, he did. Many times... Tallon Lawson, Patrick Jenkins, Tom Webster, That’s just in the last 30 years.
TERRIC
...
TAMARA
That’s not all that unusual, though. People on the run, criminals, they have multiple identities all the time. You know the right people, you can be anyone you want. It starts to get weird after going back 30 years.
TERRIC
Tamara, let me stop you right there.
TAMARA
But I’m just getting started.
TERRIC
I’ve been trapped here, in a government building, extrajudicially.
All the evidence you’re about to present to me, I’ve heard it all before. Once a week at least someone comes in here and presents me with the same evidence you’re about to present me with, and then I say back to them: “You’re insane.” Because it is insane. Accusing me of being a man that is somehow hundreds of years old? This is lunacy, and I think they know it now, and I think the only reason I’m still here is because of the size of the lawsuit I am going to bring as soon as they let me call a lawyer.
TAMARA
... I see... so we’re still keeping up the facade, then?
TERRIC
Jesus Christ.
TAMARA
Do you know what this place is?
TERRIC
No, but I like to imagine it somehow being hidden under Disneyland.
TAMARA
It’s not hidden under Disneyland, it’s in a Business Park in Lincoln, Nebraska.
TERRIC
... You’re the first person to tell me where I am.
TAMARA
Yeah, I probably wasn’t supposed to do that, but I don’t give a shit... They call you an asset.
TERRIC
Yeah, I know. I don’t know why.
TAMARA
They call you an asset because that’s what this place is... You’re not the only one they’re keeping here. There are others like you just down the hall, I saw them as I was escorted here.
TERRIC
Others like me?
TAMARA
Not exactly like you. You’re Asset 7. Assets one through six are in the same building. I tried to get the guard to talk to me about it.
Apparently one of them can suck the life out of a battery in ten minutes. Another one has a uh, “Casual relationship with gravity.” Whatever that means. They went through all the trouble to set this place up and you’re telling me that it was all a mistake on their part?
TERRIC
That’s exactly what I’m telling you.
TAMARA
Do you know why I’ve been criss-crossing the world in my fancy plane for ten years?
TERRIC
I thought it was none of my business.
TAMARA
I’ve been looking for you. I hired historians, I paid off local officials, I went to Kyrgyzstan. Kyrgyzstan! There’s nothing in Kyrgyzstan.
TERRIC
You’re right, there’s nothing there. Including me.
TAMARA
And I do all that. Ten years of work. And that brings me to this government facility. And after all that you’re just going to tell me it’s all bullshit?
TERRIC
Ten years and then you come in here and don’t even ask me my name?
TAMARA
I know your name.
TERRIC
Well then what do you even need me for? You know everything.
TAMARA
Because I want to hear you say it.
TERRIC
This is ridiculous... So they just... they just let you in here? How is that even possible?
TAMARA
... I see you’ve got two tactics in a situation like this: 1) Get the other person to talk about themself as much as you can and 2) Lie big and lie long...
Stick to your story and they’ll eventually give up on theirs. Their version of your story is harder to believe in anyway, right?
TERRIC
I’m surrounded by crazy people.
TAMARA
This is your own damn fault, you know? You were the one who tipped me off.
TERRIC
I was?
TAMARA
You started getting a little squirrelly with your name choices in the 19th century. Maybe going a little crazy? Maybe wanting to get caught just a little bit? I mean it had been around 600 years at that point. Jay Snoozeton? You really expect people to believe that bullshit name?
TERRIC
Still don’t know what you’re talking about.
TAMARA
But the real cry for help was at the turn of the century. A man applies for Irish citizenship: Terry O’York?
TERRIC
... I’ve heard this all before and I’ll say the same thing I did then-
TAMARA
How about The Demon of Breitenfeld?
TERRIC
...
TAMARA
... That wasn’t your official name. Just the name that they gave you... We had to dig deep for that one, I’m betting they haven’t thrown that name at you yet... I’m sorry I had to bring it up, you probably didn’t want to hear that right now...
TERRIC
... I don’t know what you’re talking about.
TAMARA
... What if I could get you out of here?
TERRIC
... What?
TAMARA
I’m too rich to repeat myself, don’t make me.
TERRIC
... You can’t.
TAMARA
How do you know?
TERRIC
It’ll take more than an impressive bank account to get me out of here.
TAMARA
I’ve got more than that.
TERRIC
Also they’re listening to this conversation right now and you just proposed an escape.
TAMARA
They’re not listening.
TERRIC
Of course they’re listening.
TAMARA
No, they’re not. They’re not listening because I used my impressive bank account to get a private conversation. See how that works?
TERRIC
...How?
TAMARA
Don’t worry about it.
TERRIC
And then where would we...
TAMARA
I’ve got a place we can go.
TERRIC
... You’re serious, aren’t you?
TAMARA
I am very serious.
TERRIC
... What’s in this for you?
TAMARA
Me? Oh it’s been a lifelong journey for me. I need some closure. It all started a long time ago... when I met a strange woman named Clementine.
TERRIC
...
TAMARA
I imagine it began about the same way for you.
TERRIC
... Tell me what you know.
TAMARA
No.
TERRIC
We have a lot to talk about.
TAMARA
We do.
TERRIC
... Get me the fuck out of here, then.
TAMARA
One condition.
TERRIC
What?
TAMARA
What’s your name?... Your real name.
TERRIC
(Slipping into his English accent.)
...My name is Terric of York. Son of Tybalt the First. I was born in Castle Pontefract in the year of our lord 1371.
TAMARA
... I found you, motherfucker.
TERRIC
(Back to an American accent.)
Yes you did.
TAMARA
This has been a long time coming, Terric.
TERRIC
Me getting out of here has also been a long time coming, so what’s the plan?
TAMARA
You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
TERRIC
As I’m sure you can imagine, I’ve led a rather extraordinary life, I doubt you can surprise me.
TAMARA
I don’t know. It’s been a surprising day so far.
TERRIC
Try me.
TAMARA
Well. First of all. Those tacos I brought you did not come from the commissary.
WE SUDDENLY HEAR THE DEAFENING SOUND OF THE LASER SAW CUTTING THROUGH CONCRETE.
TERRIC
(Yelling over the noise.)
Jesus Christ, what the hell is that!?
TAMARA
Apparently, it’s called a laser saw!
TERRIC
A what?!
STATIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM.
ZEBULON
Attention to all who can hear my voice. I’m Zebulon Mucklewain here with my wife, Effie.
EFFIE
Hi, prisoners.
TERRIC
And what the fuck is that?
TAMARA
I think we should probably just wait until I can explain everything at once.
ZEBULON
We have been informed that there are many people here who are being held against their will.
EFFIE
And we don’t like that one bit, y’all.
ZEBULON
We say now to your captors: The cowering prisoners will soon be set free; they will not die in their dungeon, nor will they lack bread!
AN ALARM BEGINS TO RING.
TERRIC
The doors to the cells are all opening except ours.
TAMARA
They explained this to me earlier today. Apparently they’ve done a jail break or two.
TERRIC
Who explained it to you?
TAMARA
A jail break comes in three parts apparently: insertion, distraction, extraction. I’m the insertion, that’s the distraction, and now...
THE WALL CRUMBLES AFTER THE LASER SAW HAS COMPLETED CUTTING A HOLE IN IT. CASPAR WALKS THROUGH THE RUBBLE.
CASPAR
Jailbreak, Motherfuckers!
TERRIC
Holy shit.
CASPAR
Hey, Terric, how are things? Did you get my note?
TERRIC
Caspar?
CASPAR
We’ll catch up later. Your chariot awaits!
TAMARA
Lets’ go.
THE MOVE THROUGH THE HOLE IN THE WALL ONTO THE FRONT LAWN OF THE BUILDING. A HELICOPTER IS ABOUT TO TAKE OFF.
TERRIC
Where the fuck did the helicopter come from?
CASPAR
Tamara got it. It’s cool right? Apparently it’s called “Reaper”. Rich people are wild. She said she wanted a helicopter, made one phone call and then a helicopter showed up. Everybody in?
CASPAR SLIDES THE HELICOPTER DOOR SHUT. THE HELICOPTER TAKES OFF.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Here, put a headset on.
TERRIC
This is insane.
TAMARA
(In Terric’s headset.)
So, it was the craziest thing. I’m bopping all around the globe looking for you for ten years and then I finally find you in Lincoln-Goddamn-Nebraska and I can’t get to you because you’re locked away in a black site. I’m staying at the Hilton trying to calculate my next move. By the way, The Lincoln, Nebraska Hilton? Not recommended. So, I’ve reached a point in my life where I really REALLY hate not getting what I want. And as I’m looking out the window, that’s when I see it. Like God’s own love.
TERRIC
What?
CASPAR
Us.
TERRIC
What?
TAMARA
Again, let’s just wait until we can explain everything all at once.
CASPAR
Good plan. Gloria, can you hear me?
GLORIA
(In headset.)
I can hear you.
CASPAR
We have secured the football.
GLORIA
Talk normal.
CASPAR
We have Terric. Say hello.
GLORIA
Hello there, Terric.
TERRIC
Who is this?
GLORIA
I’m Gloria. I’ll see you in a few minutes.
TERRIC
Okay, sure.
LEIF
(In headset.)
Hey Caspar, are they chasing you?
CASPAR
Hang on... Okay, they’re trying to but they don’t have a helicopter. Idiots.
LEIF
What are we looking at?
CASPAR
Looks like six black Suburbans.
LEIF
Ooh. Feds. This’ll be fun.
AVA
(In headset.)
Important science question: Do we get to shoot the big gun?
TERRIC
The big what?
CASPAR
Okay, we’re coming in for a landing.
TERRIC
Already?
CASPAR
Yeah, we were just down the street.
TERRIC
Why the hell did you need a helicopter?
AVA
Did he just ask “Why the hell did you need a helicopter?” Who is this nerd?
GLORIA
Never say no to a free helicopter, Terric.
CASPAR
Okay, we’re coming in for a landing in the parking lot. The feds aren’t far off.
GLORIA
Leif, are you ready?
LEIF
I’m ready. How serious are we getting with these guys?
GLORIA
Fangs out.
LEIF
Fangs out.
CASPAR
Fangs out!
AVA
Fangs oooooout!
EFFIE
(In headset.)
The prisoners are all freed, y’all. Did somebody say fangs out?
EVERYONE
Fangs oooooout!
TERRIC
Where the fuck are you taking me?
TAMARA
See, this is fun, now I get to watch somebody else go through it. See that parking lot? That’s where we’re headed.
TERRIC
... Midnight Burger...
CASPAR
Okay, we’re down. Everybody into the fun house.
THE HELICOPTER DOOR SLIDES OPEN.
TAMARA
Remember I told you I was a security guard? A long time ago I was in a pretty weird situation, and then, suddenly, there was a diner.
DOOR CHIME
GLORIA
Hello there, Terric.
TERRIC
What is this place?
GLORIA
I’m Gloria. Have a seat.
TERRIC
We’re being chased by federal agents, you want me to order lunch?
LEIF
We’ve got that handled. Sit down.
OUTSIDE, THE HELICOPTER IS TAKING OFF.
CASPAR
Where did that helicopter come from, by the way?
TAMARA
Private security. Don’t worry about it.
GLORIA
Caspar, you and Leif get up on the roof and repel the invaders.
CASPAR
Okay. Hey, we should do “The Floor is Lava.”
LEIF
Oooh. Floor is Lava. Been a while.
GLORIA
What?
CASPAR
A little something from the pre-Ava days. Leif and I had a few set ways of getting out of a jam.
LEIF
Yeah, there was “Floor is Lava.” There was also “That’s my Wombat.”
CASPAR
Also, “Here Comes Cardinal Richelieu.”
ZEBULON
We even had a scheme of our own, didn’t we dear?
EFFIE
Yes we did. Ours was called “Biscuits.”
LEIF
That was a good one.
GLORIA
Okay, fine. Go nuts.
AVA
I’m torn because I want to do Floor is Lava but I also want to talk to the old guy.
GLORIA
We’ll save you a seat.
AVA
Okay. Let’s go!
CASPAR
Floor is Lava!
BACK DOOR CLOSES.
TERRIC
Is it always this ridiculous around here?
GLORIA
No, actually. Sometimes it can be downright depressing. We went through a rough patch a few weeks ago and we’re starting to turn it around now.
TERRIC
What happened a few weeks ago?
GLORIA
A few weeks ago, we met a woman named Clementine. Ring any bells?
TERRIC
... Start talking.
GLORIA
I’ve got to take you way back, Terric. Once upon a time, I answered an ad in Craigslist...
UP ON THE ROOF. WE HEAR SIRENS APPROACHING.
CASPAR
Here comes the fuzz.
LEIF
You know, it’s important in any relationship to establish clear boundaries.
LEIF DEPLOYS “THE BIG GUN ON THE ROOF”.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Fangs out.
THE PARTICLE CANON TEARS UP A HUGE SWATH OF LAND RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE PARKING LOT. THE BLACK SUBURBANS COME TO A SCREECHING HALT, SOME OF THEM CRASHING INTO EACH OTHER.
ZEBULON
I feel as though the word “fangs” does not truly capture the moment.
AVA
This is Ava with the traffic report, it’s rough out there today, everyone. Look out on the turnpike where there’s a huge pile up of FEDS and apparently some whack job has mounted a huge particle canon on the roof of his diner.
EFFIE
Those automobiles sure were shiny a minute ago weren’t they?
DOWNSTAIRS.
TERRIC
What the hell just happened outside?!
GLORIA
That was our particle canon.
TERRIC
Particle canon?
TAMARA
I didn’t believe it when you told me but that was definitely some kind of canon. I need me one.
TERRIC
What kind of diner has a particle canon?
GLORIA
The kind that needs protection from a Super Powerful Terrified Toddler.
TERRIC
... I can’t believe that story you just told me, that doesn’t sound like Clementine at all. You’re describing an insane person.
TAMARA
I was shocked when I heard it myself.
GLORIA
Terric, the strangest thing you’ve ever heard of up to now is you. But I’m here to tell you that you, Mr. Seven Hundred Year Old Man, are just a very small part of a much, MUCH weirder universe. So, I told you my story, now why don’t you tell me yours? Who is Clementine to you?
TERRIC
... She fell from the sky.
BACK UP ON THE ROOF. ONE OF THE FEDERAL AGENTS TRIES TO MAKE CONTACT THROUGH A MEGAPHONE.
AGENT MURPHY
Uh... This is... This is Special Agent Sara Murphy of Homeland Security. Please disarm your weapon... or power it down or whatever, and exit the building with your hands up.
EFFIE
Oh, she does not sound confident, not one bit.
AVA
I feel like the Homeland is not Secure.
LEIF
What do you think, should we exit the building with our hands up?
CASPAR
I don’t know, will there be pizza?
LEIF
Let me check.
LEIF ACTIVATES THE LOUDSPEAKER.
LEIF (CONT’D)
(Into the loudspeaker.)
Hey Agent Murphy, quick question, will there be pizza?
AGENT MURPHY
Uh... no.
CASPAR
Okay, no, then.
LEIF
(Into loudspeaker.)
Then we’re going to pass.
AVA
That’s bullshit, they always give pizzas during a standoff.
AGENT MURPHY
We have the building surrounded.
LEIF
Uh...
ZEBULON
I do not wish to call anyone a liar but...
EFFIE
There ain’t no way this building is surrounded.
CASPAR
It’s maybe half surrounded.
AVA
Even calling it a semicircle is generous.
LEIF
(Into loudspeaker.)
Hey, Agent Murphy? Be honest. Do you really have the building surrounded?
AGENT MURPHY
...No, no not really.
LEIF
(Into loudspeaker.)
More like a semicircle, right?
AGENT MURPHY
It may be a semicircle.
LEIF
(Into loudspeaker.)
It’s important to be honest in these situations, Special Agent.
AGENT MURPHY
Really? So you’re going to be honest about the weapon you have on your roof?
ZEBULON
Honesty is very important, Leif.
LEIF
You’re so right. (Into loudspeaker.) It’s a multi-phasic particle canon. Does that help?
AGENT MURPHY ... No.
CASPAR
I feel like Agent Murphy’s having a bad day, anybody get that sense?
AVA
Maybe she needs a pizza?
ZEBULON
Leif, perhaps if this young woman desires honesty we should be forthcoming?
LEIF
Oh yeah?
AVA
I thought we were doing Floor is Lava.
LEIF
We definitely will, we’ve got to wait for them to escalate.
CASPAR
Let’s annoy them until they escalate.
LEIF
Ok, how?
CASPAR
There’s nothing more aggravating than hearing someone’s life story.
EFFIE
I will second that notion.
LEIF
This’ll be fun. (Into loudspeaker.) Agent Murphy, let’s get to know each other. Let me take you back to Humboldt County, California.
AGENT MURPHY
Seriously?
DOWNSTAIRS.
GLORIA
Oh my God, that’s so sad!
TERRIC
I was devastated.
TAMARA
She just disappeared on you, huh?
TERRIC
I was ready to give up everything. Forgive anything. And then she was gone.
TAMARA
That even makes me sad, Terric, and I hate love stories.
TERRIC
My time with her was the happiest I’ve ever been. And the most confused. But the confusion then was nothing compared to the confusion that followed.
GLORIA
Because Caspar sent you a little message.
TERRIC
That was the start of it, yes.
GLORIA
Can I just say, he did not tell me he was going to do that and I feel like there was a better version of that plan.
TAMARA
What did the message say?
TERRIC
The paper it was written on fully disintegrated about 400 years ago. But it went like this: Dear Terric of York. I apologize in advance for saying a bunch of things you’re not going to understand, but I’m writing you this note because I think you may be looking for Clementine. If you are, I should tell you that we are too. We are Midnight Burger, a time traveling, dimension-spanning diner. If you try really hard, you might find us. But we’ll probably find you first. Until then, Caspar.
TAMARA
Yeah, that’s not helpful at all.
TERRIC
I desperately want you to imagine what it’s like for a man living in 14th century Jerusalem to receive a note like that.
TAMARA
Damn.
TERRIC
Added to that, the note was delivered by... Something?
GLORIA
That was a friend of ours, we’ll explain later. Keep going, though.
TERRIC
Well, after the whole experience, I felt like I was waking up from a dream. I wondered if it had even happened. Things began to calm down, I went back to my studies. And then... I began to notice the change. Or the lack of it. My friend, Yosef began to get gray hair... I did not. He became a grandparent. There were fruit sellers in the market, they began to be taken over by their children. Holes in the great wall around the old city were repaired. And nothing changed for me. I was exactly as you see me now. At a certain point I had to make the choice to leave. Jerusalem was full of suspicion back then. In the City of God people are always on the lookout for the devil. I began to get some worried looks. So one day I packed up my things and I moved on. And that became a pattern for me for... for the rest of my very long life.
TAMARA
I feel ridiculous asking this question, considering where we are but, how did you become this?
TERRIC
I’ve been asking myself that question for about seven hundred years.
GLORIA
Terric, when you were with Clementine did you ever talk about wanting to live a long time or wanting to see what the world would be like in the future?
TERRIC
I practiced Alchemy at the time. I do remember telling her about the elixir of life, something that alchemists tried to pull off. A magical potion that would give you immortality.
GLORIA
That’s what did it.
TERRIC
That’s what did it?
GLORIA
Yes.
TAMARA
He mentioned immortality one time and suddenly he lives forever?
GLORIA
Clementine is incredibly powerful, Terric. She’s the most powerful thing we’ve encountered and we’ve seen some shit. She does things accidentally. Subconsciously. You talked about something important to you and then she gave it to you without even meaning to.
TAMARA
I mean, I’m just talking out my ass here, but there may have been something else going on.
GLORIA
What?
TAMARA
She said she loved you, Terric. And you loved her, right?
TERRIC
I did.
TAMARA
I think she stuck a pin in you.
TERRIC
What do you mean?
TAMARA
She’s on a mission. That much is clear. Maybe deep down she knew she was going to have to figure some shit out. She knew she was going to have to go. But she also loved you so she...
GLORIA
Shoved you in a pickle jar and put you in a shady spot.
TAMARA
That’s right.
TERRIC
A pickle jar.
GLORIA
Maybe subconsciously she wanted to make sure she could always come back to you. No matter what.
TAMARA
Which is real fucked up.
GLORIA
Real fucked up.
TAMARA
But it’s human.
CASPAR WALKS IN THROUGH THE BACK DOOR AND STARTS RUMMAGING AROUND IN THE KITCHEN.
CASPAR
Don’t mind me, just looking for something.
GLORIA
What are you looking for?
CASPAR
Leif said there was... here it is... Electrodes!
GLORIA
That’s what those are?
CASPAR
Yeah, we’re setting up things. Oh! Leif says don’t worry about the tear gas.
GLORIA
The tear gas?
CASPAR
Yeah. Don’t worry.
GLORIA
Yeah, okay, sure.
CASPAR
Floor is lava!
BACK DOOR CLOSES.
TERRIC
They don’t seem concerned at all that we’re surrounded by federal agents.
GLORIA
We’ve been slogging through some pretty difficult situations, so when we landed here and all we had to do was a jailbreak and a standoff with federal agents, that’s kind of a day off for us.
UPSTAIRS.
LEIF
... And that’s the story of how I made my first piezoelectric transducer-
AGENT MURPHY
Oh Jesus Christ, enough already. This is your final warning!
AVA
Ahh. Oh No.
ZEBULON
Should I say a prayer?
EFFIE
In her defense, that story was like watching grass grow.
LEIF
(Into loudspeaker.)
We’ll never give in Agent Murphy! We don’t think you have the guts to do something drastic.
AGENT MURPHY
Fine!
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF SEVERAL GRENADE LAUNCHERS LOBBING TEAR GAS CANISTERS ONTO THE ROOF.
CASPAR
Tear gas party!
LEIF
These guys are as predictable as the Teds. Gas masks.
LEIF, AVA, AND CASPAR ALL PUT ON GAS MASKS.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Okay, let’s wait for a second.
AVA
How does this lead to the floor being lava?
LEIF
Funny you should say that.
CASPAR
Okay. Ava. We are now in Phase Whatever of The Floor is Lava. You and I are going to go downstairs and start inserting these electrodes into the ground.
AVA
We’re going to electrify the ground?
CASPAR
Something like that. Come on.
LEIF
Okay, Mucklewains. We’re going to put on a little show, you ready?
ZEBULON
I suppose.
EFFIE
What kind of a show are putting on?
LEIF
I’m putting you by the microphone. Follow my lead... (Into loudspeaker.) Oh no! Tear gas! My eyes!
EFFIE
(Into loudspeaker.)
Oh no?
ZEBULON
(Into Loudspeaker.)
Oh! It’s... terrible?
LEIF
(Into Loudspeaker.)
How dare you use tear gas on us, Agent Murphy!
AGENT MURPHY
It didn’t have to go down this way, Leif!
LEIF
(Into loudspeaker.)
Yes, of course, because government agencies hate using tear gas so much.
AGENT MURPHY
I respect your ability to make jokes while choking to death, Leif. But it’s time to surrender and exit the building.
LEIF
(Into loudspeaker.)
Okay. We need time to discuss while somehow avoiding clouds of poisonous gas.
AGENT MURPHY
Okay?
LEIF
(Into loudspeaker.)
We’ll get right back to you.
AGENT MURPHY
What?
ON THE GROUND OUTSIDE THE DINER.
CASPAR
Okay. They can’t see us through the clouds of tear gas. Take some electrodes and shove them into the ground.
AVA
I’m not convinced of the science parts of this plan.
CASPAR
Don’t worry about it... Last time we did this we were on a planet called Rudra. The whole planet was under the control of a weird cult leader named Kyle of Light and his wife Sunny D. Anomaly. It took them about five minutes to identify us as some sort of demonic presence.
AVA
That tends to happen when you suddenly materialize in the town square.
CASPAR
Believe it or not, it wasn’t because we suddenly appeared out of nowhere, it was because we served meat. They were all vegan. Anyway, the people of Rudra, not unlike our friends from Homeland Security, were pretty dumb, so Floor is Lava went off pretty well.
AVA
Why does it sound like things were a lot of fun here until I showed up?
CASPAR
That’s not true.
AVA
You had little schemes with fun names. You didn’t do any of that around me.
CASPAR
We did all kinds of ridiculous shit after you got here. You got drunk with Kentucky coal miners.
AVA
I guess.
CASPAR
And look, I’m describing it as fun but... I only knew that after the fact. I only know that now. Back then my biggest objective was to be miserable so I never noticed that it was fun. Nobody ever tells you you’re having the time of your life, you only realize that after it’s over.
AVA
So I showed up and ended the time of your life.
CASPAR
No, look, it was pretty infantile when it was me and Leif, okay? You showed up and you had ideas about the diner, and physics, and time and space and all that garbage.
AVA
You’re making me sound like a party pooper.
CASPAR
You’re not at all a party pooper. But honestly, sometimes the party needs to be pooped. And sometimes there’s no one around to poop the party that is desperately in need of pooping. It was an improvement. Even though you would do things like throw rocks at me and call me a bed wetter, it got more grown up. I liked it.
AVA
... I’m very mature.
CASPAR
You are.
AVA
Now let’s finish pulling this practical joke on these federal agents.
CASPAR
Ok.
AGENT MURPHY
You two! There! Don’t move!
CASPAR
Okay, we really need to sell this, okay?
AVA
Sell what?
CASPAR
Dammit! We’ve been discovered!
AVA
Oh no! How did they possibly see us here one hundred feet away from them?
AGENT MURPHY
Stay where you are, we’re taking you into custody!
LEIF
(Into loudspeaker.)
Excuse me, Agent Murphy. Nobody’s being taken into custody unless they want to feel the business end of a particle canon.
AGENT MURPHY
I thought I tear gassed you guys!
CASPAR
Thank god Leif is here to save us!
AVA
Yes. Thanks, God.
CASPAR
Ava, now that we’ve set up the devices, let’s retreat back to the building.
AVA
I’m very excited about the devices!
AGENT MURPHY
Devices? What devices? Leif, what are you doing?
CASPAR AND AVA ARE CLIMBING UP THE LADDER.
AVA
There’s no way those electrodes are going to be able to send a current through the entire ground.
CASPAR
That’s the secret genius of The Floor is Lava. Just like the children’s game, the floor is not actually lava.
AVA
You’re not actually electrifying the ground.
CASPAR
Not at all, watch this.
LEIF
(Into loudspeaker.)
I tried to work with you on this Agent Murphy. I tried be a nice guy but then you lobbed tear gas at me.
CASPAR
That’s actually the second time he’s said that to a woman.
LEIF
(Into Loudspeaker.)
We have placed devices in the ground. In a few seconds I’m going to send an ungodly amount of voltage through the ground itself. The only thing that can save you now is the vulcanized rubber tires of your Suburbans.
AGENT MURPHY
Bullshit.
LEIF
(Into Loudspeaker.)
Sara. We hacked your system and let all your prisoners loose. We cut through your wall in seconds with a laser saw. I dug a three foot deep trench in the ground with my particle canon. You think I can’t send volts of electricity through the ground?
AGENT MURPHY
... Fucking goddamn it! Everybody up! Up on top of your vehicles! Right now! Move!
LEIF
Ava, turn on the washer/dryer.
AVA
Hilarious.
AVA TURNS ON THE WASHER/DRYER.
LEIF
(Into Loudspeaker.)
We have activated the device. You just saved your lives by getting up on your cars. (Off loudspeaker.) Because the floor... is lava.
EVERYONE
Floor is lava!
DOWNSTAIRS.
TERRIC
Why have they all gotten up on their cars?
TAMARA
I’m guessing this is what they meant by Floor is Lava.
TERRIC
Not to ruin the party you all seem to be having, but I do tend to take the long view on things. How exactly are we going to get out of this situation?
GLORIA
That problem will solve itself, trust me. But since we’re talking about the long view, we should probably talk about why we broke you out of prison.
TERRIC
Okay.
GLORIA
We didn’t know what your deal was exactly, you could’ve just been someone who bumped into Clementine one time but... we kind of hit the jackpot with you, Terric.
TAMARA
You were in love with each other.
TERRIC
... Yes.
GLORIA
And I don’t want to exploit that... but also I totally want to exploit that.
TERRIC
What do you mean?
GLORIA
We’ve got a lot of reasons to be upset with Clementine... a lot. But I think the last time we went up against her we may have knocked some sense into her. And I think if the reality of her situation is about to crash down on her, it’s going to be rough. And considering how little control she has over her emotions and her power, it could be fucking disastrous. Her emotional breakdown could mean a breakdown of reality, people could get hurt... they have been already.
TAMARA
Seeing a friendly face might prevent that.
TERRIC
... You think you may see her again.
GLORIA
We’re definitely going to see her again. We really think you should be here when we do.
TERRIC
... I don’t think that would have the effect you think it would.
GLORIA
Why?
TERRIC
Gloria it’s... It’s been seven hundred years. I’ve lived a thousand lifetimes, Tamara has a long list of all the people I’ve been. It’s been strange, and confusing, sometimes wonderful, and... and terrifying... And you’re telling me that she... she could’ve shown up at any time, through all that and... and she just didn’t... I wouldn’t be able to do that to someone I care about. Which must mean...
TAMARA
Terric, when I said that she stuck a pin in you, that’s all subconscious. She doesn’t know that she did this to you, as far as she knows you lived and died in Jerusalem.
TERRIC
Well, she could’ve come back to me then. She didn’t. She left and never came back and you think that I’m going to have some sort of... That I’m going to be able to fix things somehow. She may not not even remember me.
GLORIA
Terric it’s been seven hundred years for you, not for her. But, I get it. You can’t imagine treating someone this way, not someone you truly love. We want people to love us the same way we love them... you wanted her to stay and she didn’t. She left you. And the easiest thing to say is that she never loved or cared about you at all. And you feel that way because you would never do that to her. You’d never leave her.
TERRIC
I wouldn’t.
GLORIA
You can’t hold her to that. Because she’s not you. Everybody’s different and everybody loves differently. It’s hard to understand that about people, but you can’t demand that people act like you.
TAMARA
She wrote you a letter saying she was turning into a monster. She couldn’t let you see that.
GLORIA
And maybe she didn’t come back because she wasn’t done being a monster. But I think she’s just about done with it. I think she’s about to stop. And I think you should be there to see it... She may need you.
TERRIC
... Goddamnit.
GLORIA
I know.
BACK DOOR OPENS.
LEIF
Somebody call FEMA because the floor is lava.
TAMARA
What the hell did y’all do out there?
CASPAR
Floor is Lava completely encapsulates Leif as a person because it’s fifty percent technological brilliance-
AVA
-And fifty percent total horseshit.
LEIF
How I like it. They’ll be stuck on top of their cars for a while, and the canon is on sentry mode so nobody’s going anywhere.
EFFIE
Gloria, how are things down here with this old fella?
GLORIA
I’m glad you’re here, actually, because we’re about to do the hard part.
CASPAR
Okay, let’s get comfortable.
TERRIC
What is the hard part?
GLORIA
Ava?
AVA
Hi there, Terric. Here’s how this works: Clementine, just by being around, damages the fabric of space/time, and that damage manifests itself in all sorts of ways, like a mall full of zombies or asteroids that can only be seen by half the people on Earth.
TERRIC
Wait. You’re saying Ashley the Asteroid was because of her?
AVA
Yes.
TAMARA
Did you see it?
TERRIC
I saw it, did you see it?
TAMARA
Yes. That was her, Terric.
TERRIC
Jesus.
AVA
Without going too much into it, Ashley the Asteroid was just a by-product of something much bigger. And she did all of that completely by accident. She had a conversation with two astrophysicists in a pub in London and then, suddenly in the sky, was an asteroid.
TERRIC
How?
AVA
Our current understanding is that we see this damage to space/time a lot, but Clementine’s different because she’s not just a victim of the damage but can also spread the damage. Caspar had a good analogy for this: Typhoid Mary.
TERRIC
I remember those days, that’s why I left New York.
AVA
What we’ve also come to understand is that this diner, this ridiculous, should-not-exist place... It somehow heals the damage. And some of that damage is in you, Terric. That damage is what made you a seven hundred year old man.
If you stay with us while we wait for Clementine, the diner is going to fix that damage. If you stay here long enough, when you go back out there into whatever world you choose, you will probably start to age again for the first time in a very long time.
TERRIC
I see... to die.
AVA
Yes. To die.
GLORIA
It’s a big decision, Terric.
CASPAR
Just real quick, have we confirmed that once the diner heals him the years aren’t going to suddenly rush at him and turn him to dust?
AVA
No, that’s not going to happen.
CASPAR
How do we know?
AVA
Because that would be stupid.
CASPAR
I see. Science.
AVA
You’re not allowed to say science, nobody said you could say science.
GLORIA
So, as you can see, this is a pretty big ask, Terric.
LEIF
And we’re not here to force you to do anything.
TERRIC
... To die.
GLORIA
Look, we have several hours left of this stand off with Homeland Security, take a minute. I’m going to go get the enchiladas out of the oven, do you want some enchiladas?
TERRIC
Uh, sure.
GLORIA
Okay.
ZEBULON
Leif, would you mind setting us down at Terric’s table? We wish to speak with him.
LEIF
Yeah, sure.
TERRIC
What’s this?
LEIF SETS THE RADIO ON THE TABLE.
ZEBULON
Terric. Pleased to make your acquaintance. I’m Zebulon Mucklewain, here with my wife, Effie.
EFFIE
Hi, Terric.
TERRIC
What’s happening right now?
TAMARA
Oh. There’s a couple of southern baptist ministers inside the radio and they talk to you sometimes.
TERRIC
... Sure.
ZEBULON
This may seem at bit self-serving at first Terric, but I wish to frame your predicament in a certain light. So do bear with us.
TERRIC
Self-serving how?
ZEBULON
... Can you tell me of Jerusalem?
TERRIC
Oh... It was a wonderful place. Probably the last place I felt truly at home. Back then it was controlled by the Mamluks. Egyptians. I can’t say that they returned the city to it’s former glory but they did revive a tradition of sharing that Saladin brought in when he took the city back from the Christians.
All faiths there were very separate but they did manage to find a way to share the city, to worship separately but also side by side... The image of the Tower of David framed by the sunset. I’ve kept that with me for seven centuries.
ZEBULON
It was a dream of mine to go there one day. To walk the same path as Jesus, and all the others. I admit I’m a bit envious of your memories.
TERRIC
I thought about returning from time to time but, it wouldn’t be the same. Not without her.
TAMARA
Yeah, quick update, y’all. Terric and Clementine were a thing.
LEIF
Like a THING thing?
TAMARA
Yeah.
TERRIC
You sound surprised.
LEIF
Surprised you survived.
ZEBULON
Terric, a while back, we met someone. A fugitive whose homeland had been destroyed. They stayed with us until a more suitable home could be found.
EFFIE
They were a tree.
TERRIC
I’m sorry?
ZEBULON
A tree. Their name was Shel.
TERRIC
... Alright.
ZEBULON
Shel was always listening and learning from us. And from time to time had insight into our lives that would belie their youth. They once described all of us as fugitives like they were, but in a deeper, more spiritual sense.
We can all recall a time when our lives seemed in harmony with the holy spirit, a time when our lives seemed to keep pace with the sun and there was a blessed synchronicity in all things. And then we can all recall that time ending. We each have our own Garden of Eden, and are, all of us, cast out from it. And we spend the rest of our time on Earth trying to somehow return to that place, and that journey back becomes a life in full. Perhaps, just perhaps, the gates are beginning to swing wide on your Garden of Eden, Terric. Perhaps our presence here is that very rare call to come back home.
TERRIC
I imagine if I saw Jerusalem or Clementine again, it wouldn’t be the same. So much has changed. It wouldn’t feel like coming back home.
EFFIE
Well, I imagine you were able to get a bit of reading done over the centuries, Terric.
TERRIC
I was.
EFFIE
Any T.S. Elliot?
TERRIC
... Oh. I see. “And the end of all our exploring, will be to arrive where we started.”
EFFIE
“And to know that place for the first time.”
TERRIC
... There’s this embarrassing part of myself that I’ve never been able to shake. Over the centuries I’ve become cynical about so many things, and yet... Somewhere deep down is still that Medieval romantic... That part of me that would give anything just to see her face again.
EFFIE
Well, that’s nothing to be embarrassed about, Terric. We’re all a bunch of cynics here. It’s a breath of fresh air to hear someone just say what they’re feeling without any of the nonsense that’s usually wrapped around it.
GLORIA
Enchiladas on the counter, everybody... So? What’s it going to be, Terric?
TERRIC
... Caspar, why did you send me that message? What did you expect me do?
CASPAR
Ok look. We’ve got 12 hours every time we stop and we have to make decisions on the fly, sometimes we don’t make the best decisions.
GLORIA
We?
CASPAR
Sometimes I don’t make the best decisions. I was winging it... I don’t know... At first I was wondering if you were another Clementine, that there were two of her out there. But then I thought... what if you were just a guy? Just a guy in Medieval Jerusalem who stumbled into Clementine one day and then all of a sudden had no expiration date? What if he’s wandering out there, confused. What if he feels alone? What if he feels the years piling up on him? What if it’s driving him crazy? I have some experience with this. Human beings aren’t built for a lot of years like that. I... I wondered if you needed a hand. I wondered if maybe you wanted off the merry-go-round.
AVA
What are you talking about?
GLORIA
We can’t know what this is like for you, Terric. You need to ask yourself if it’s time.
TERRIC
Well, this is the first time in about two hundred years that I haven’t been bored so... Yes. I’ll do it.
GLORIA
Good.
CASPAR
Excellent. You’re going to love getting old, Terric.
AVA
Like you would know.
AGENT MURPHY
Uh... Attention in the building... I can see you all in there... Are you... are you having enchiladas?
EFFIE
I need to talk to this one, too. Caspar, put us up by the microphone at the cash register.
CASPAR
Here we go.
TAMARA
Damn, I forgot they were there.
CASPAR SETS THE RADIO DOWN ON THE COUNTER.
EFFIE
(Into loudspeaker.)
I would like to talk to Sara, please. Sara, get on the horn.
AGENT MURPHY
... Hello?
EFFIE
Hello, Sara. This is Effie Mucklewain.
AGENT MURPHY
Who?
EFFIE
Sara, what are you doing with this life of yours, Dear?
AGENT MURPHY
What... What am I doing with my life?
EFFIE
That is my question, yes.
AGENT MURPHY
I’m... I’m an agent for the Department of Homeland Security.
EFFIE
That’s a title, Sara. What are you doing?
AGENT MURPHY
I’m in charge of security for a specialized-
EFFIE
You’re taking people and locking them in cages, isn’t that right?
AGENT MURPHY
I mean... yeah.
EFFIE
Is this how you imagined it all working out for you, Sara?
AGENT MURPHY
Well... no.
ZEBULON
Sara, Zebulon Mucklewain here. From time to time we’ll meet a person such as yourself. A person whose life has been interrupted and somehow seems to be trapped in the interruption itself. No life is devoid of interruption. You follow a path and from time to time the path evades you, but after a moment, with a bit of fortitude, the path reemerges. However, some people’s lives can be consumed by that in-between place, the path disappears and they forget, at times, that it ever existed in the first place.
EFFIE
Is that what’s happened with you, Sara? You don’t seem to us the type to carry around a weapon and shout at folks.
AGENT MURPHY
I... I don’t know I... I was studying linguistics at Northwestern and my profile ended up on somebody’s desk and now I’m... Now I’m stranded on top of a Suburban yelling into a megaphone.
EFFIE
Just as you imagined it would be, I reckon.
AGENT MURPHY
Yeah, sure. I’m sorry, who are you?
GLORIA
We should get her in here.
TAMARA
Yeah, let’s have a talk with her.
AVA
Oh, hey. Effie, tell her we’re ready to negotiate, but only with her.
EFFIE
Sounds good. Sara, we’re ready negotiate, but only with you, Dear.
AVA
And tell her she has to pull back the barricade.
EFFIE
And you got to pull back your goon squad as well. They’re making us nervous.
AGENT MURPHY
Okay... Okay, good. I think you’re making the right choice. I uh... I can’t get off of my car?
EFFIE
Leif?
LEIF
Right. (Into loudspeaker.) Sara, I am temporarily shutting off the electrified... ground thing.
AGENT MURPHY
Okay.
CASPAR
What are we doing?
GLORIA
We’re seeing if she wants some enchiladas, we don’t want to be rude.
AGENT MURPHY
Everyone back in your vehicles, pull back the line to the main road. I’m going in to negotiate.
WE HEAR THE CARS BEGIN TO START UP AND DRIVE AWAY.
CASPAR
Sara seems a little high-strung, how much do we want to make her brain explode?
GLORIA
Maybe just a little.
DOOR CHIME.
AGENT MURPHY
I’m unarmed.
EVERYONE
Sara!
AGENT MURPHY ... Hi.
GLORIA
Nice to meet you face-to-face, Sara. Caspar, get her some enchiladas.
CASPAR
Agent Murphy would you like red sauce or green sauce?
AGENT MURPHY
I have no idea.
GLORIA
Green sauce.
CASPAR
Green sauce it is.
TERRIC
How are you doing, Agent Murphy?
AGENT MURPHY
You appear to have some very interesting friends, Asset 7.
TERRIC
You can just call me Terric.
AGENT MURPHY
... So it’s true.
TERRIC
It is.
AGENT MURPHY
I knew it!
AVA
What was your plan with him, exactly?
AGENT MURPHY
If there’s a plan, I wasn’t briefed on it. I just know that a lot of people were very interested in a man who happened to be alive since the 14th century.
TERRIC
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
CASPAR
Enchiladas with green sauce.
CASPAR SETS THE PLATE DOWN ON THE TABLE.
GLORIA
Have a seat, Sara.
AGENT MURPHY
We’re supposed to be negotiating.
GLORIA
This is how I negotiate.
AGENT MURPHY Okay...
AGENT MURPHY SITS DOWN.
AGENT MURPHY (CONT’D)
... Hi.
TAMARA
You’ve never negotiated a stand off situation before have you?
AGENT MURPHY
No. It was part of my training, but this situation is uh, a little outside of my training parameters. Seeing as how there’s an unclassified heavy weapon on the roof, the ground can be randomly electrified, and there’s a man who is older than steam powered locomotion sitting at this booth. So, I guess I’m kind of winging it.
TAMARA
I’m surprised you haven’t called for backup yet. Where’s the rest of Homeland Security?
AGENT MURPHY
It’s a problem. There’s only three people in the government who know our facility actually exists. The President, The Director, and for some reason a very rich man in The UAE? That makes calling for backup a little difficult... which is, of course, something I shouldn’t have told you. Have I mentioned I’ve never negotiated before?
GLORIA
Let me start off the negotiations. We’re not giving up Terric and none of us are leaving this diner.
AGENT MURPHY
Okay. You’re just going to stay here?
GLORIA
Yes.
AGENT MURPHY
How is that going to work?
CASPAR
Oh, it works, trust me.
AGENT MURPHY
I don’t understand.
GLORIA
Don’t worry about it. But how about you hang out here for a while so you can say you really tried as hard as you could.
AGENT MURPHY
Well, what do you plan on doing with Terric?
TERRIC
I think they’re going to eat me.
GLORIA
That’s the plan, yes.
TAMARA
They say aged meat is the best.
AGENT MURPHY
Why are you all treating this like it’s a joke? You are surrounded by Homeland Security.
GLORIA
Are we?
LEIF
Still not surrounded.
AGENT MURPHY
You know what I mean.
TAMARA
Agent Murphy, let me get something straight. We’re in big trouble?
AGENT MURPHY
You are.
TAMARA
For breaking into a government facility?
AGENT MURPHY
Yes.
TAMARA
That no one knows exists?
AGENT MURPHY
... Yes.
TAMARA
How are you going to arrest us for breaking into a place that doesn’t exist?
AGENT MURPHY
... Huh.
EFFIE
Oops.
LEIF
Take it from me, if you operate outside the law, you don’t get the protection of it.
AGENT MURPHY
I’m sure there’s some sort of... something that they would do.
TAMARA
I’m sure that “something” would be throwing us in a deep dark hole like they did with Terric.
GLORIA
I don’t know, Sara. I feel like that just wouldn’t sit right with you.
AGENT MURPHY
Well... what am I supposed to do?
CASPAR
Quit your job.
AGENT MURPHY
I can’t quit my job.
AVA
Your job sucks though.
AGENT MURPHY
It doesn’t.
LEIF
Sure it does.
AGENT MURPHY
Everyone’s job sucks.
CASPAR
That’s what everyone says when they know they should quit their job.
AGENT MURPHY
I did not come here for career advice! What is happening! You are all in a very huge amount of trouble!
CASPAR
We got trouble!
AVA
Right here in river city!
AGENT MURPHY
Stop making jokes!
GLORIA
They can’t.
LEIF
With a capital "T" and that rhymes with "P" and that stands for pool!
GLORIA
It’s a little annoying sometimes.
EFFIE
Just a bit, yes.
AGENT MURPHY
Is someone talking through the radio?
GLORIA
Don’t worry about it. Sara, listen. We didn’t bring you in here to negotiate, we brought you in here because we felt a little bad. I think you’re out of your element a little, don’t you?
AGENT MURPHY
... I should’ve gone for my masters in linguistics.
GLORIA
Well that’s... debatable, but definitely not the head of security for a super illegal black site.
AGENT MURPHY
... Maybe not.
TAMARA
Maybe somewhere in-between those two.
LEIF
Hey Gloria, we’re about to turn into a pumpkin.
GLORIA
Okay. It’s time to go.
TAMARA
I’m calling my ride.
AGENT MURPHY
Go? Go where?
GLORIA
I’d explain it but we’re short on time.
AGENT MURPHY
What?
GLORIA
Just tell them that you tried to negotiate, the negotiations broke down and now you’re just waiting for the SWAT team or whatever.
AGENT MURPHY
This is ridiculous.
GLORIA
Yes. Maybe take that attitude towards most things.
TAMARA
My chopper’s coming down in the parking lot. I’m headed out.
AGENT MURPHY
Wait, what? I can’t just let you fly away after all this.
TAMARA
You left your gun outside, what are you going to do, subdue me with your 115 pound self?
AGENT MURPHY
Oh to hell with it.
DOOR CHIME.
AGENT MURPHY (CONT’D)
Terric?
TERRIC
Yes.
AGENT MURPHY
Really? Seven hundred years?
TERRIC
Yes.
AGENT MURPHY
... Anything you learned that you want to share with a confused thirty-four year old?
TERRIC
I learned a lot of things. But then I learned that most of those things were bullshit.
AGENT MURPHY
Okay.
AGENT MURPHY WALKS OUT. A HELICOPTER APPROACHES.
TAMARA
Looks like this is it.
LEIF
It was great to see you again, Tamara.
TAMARA
It was great to see y’all. You changed my life. I would’ve been bored off my ass if you hadn’t come around.
EFFIE
You take care of yourself, Tamara.
ZEBULON
Go with God.
TAMARA
I always do.
GLORIA
I’ll walk you out.
CASPAR
I’ll come too.
AVA
What are you doing?
CASPAR
I’m going to help the helicopter land.
AVA
How?
CASPAR
I don’t know, by waving. I’ll be right back.
AVA
Caspar.
CASPAR
What?
AVA
... You’re having the time of your life. I’m telling you while it’s happening. Just so you know.
CASPAR
... Good to know.
THEY WALK OUT.
LEIF
Hey. So. Interesting thought of the day: We wanted to talk to Terric and the diner took us right to him.
AVA
Yeah.
LEIF
This place is listening to us.
AVA
Yeah...
LEIF
What?
AVA
He’s thinking about leaving.
LEIF
Caspar?
AVA
Yeah.
LEIF
How do you know?
AVA
Things he’s been saying.
LEIF
He said he wanted to see this through with Clementine.
AVA
And when we’re done?
LEIF
... Well, if that’s the case... If that’s the case, then that’s the case.
AVA
He’s a fucking idiot.
LEIF
Ava, look. You tracked this place down like a bloodhound. I was on the run from everyone, including myself and was thrilled to find this place. Gloria was able to stand there at the door and make a conscious decision to stay or go... Caspar just came in to use the phone. And then a hundred and seventy three years went by. Maybe it’s a little different for him.
OUTSIDE. THE HELICOPTER APPROACHES.
GLORIA
You know, Tamara. Clementine has fucked this world up pretty bad. It may be past the point of no return. Are you sure you don’t want to come with us? Find a new place to be?
TAMARA
I’ve been thinking about it all day. Might be nice. Start fresh in a new world. It’s tempting. One problem in a brand new world.
GLORIA
What?
TAMARA
I’m not rich there. I like being rich.
GLORIA
It does look nice.
TAMARA
This is my world. I’m going to ride it out until the end. Somebody should be there to see it.
GLORIA
I get it.
TAMARA
Thank you, Gloria.
GLORIA
Thank you.
CASPAR
Here it comes.
THE HELICOPTER SETS DOWN IN THE PARKING LOT.
TAMARA
(Yelling over the helicopter.)
Do you want a job?
AGENT MURPHY
What?
TAMARA
Do you want a job?
AGENT MURPHY
Working for you?
TAMARA
Yes.
AGENT MURPHY
Doing what?
TAMARA
Whatever. We’ll think of something.
AGENT MURPHY
... Yes. Yes, I do.
TAMARA
Alright. Well, leave the badge but take the gun. It might come in handy.
AGENT MURPHY
Okay. This has been a really weird day.
TAMARA
Get used to it.
HELICOPTER DOOR CLOSES. THE HELICOPTER LIFTS OFF AND FLIES AWAY.
CASPAR
If we end up doing Christmas this year, I’m putting “cool helicopter” at the top of my list.
GLORIA
No, you’re not. Because it’s at the top of mine.
CASPAR
This was fun.
GLORIA
It was.
CASPAR
I got to use the laser saw.
GLORIA
I love that thing.
THE AIR STARTS TO CHANGE AROUND THEM.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
Oh shit.
CASPAR
Fuck.
GLORIA
Go get Terric.
CASPAR
Okay.
DOOR CHIME. CLEMENTINE MATERIALIZES IN THE PARKING LOT.
GLORIA
Clementine! Stop! Listen to me. I know you’re feeling a lot of things right now-
CLEMENTINE
I need your help!
GLORIA
... What? What is it? Clementine, what’s wrong?
DOOR CHIME.
TERRIC
Clementine.
CLEMENTINE
... Terric?
THE END.