Chapter 28: Pockets
A RADIO CLICKS ON AND GOES BACK AND FOURTH THROUGH THE DIAL SEARCHING FOR A STATION. FINALLY A VOICE COMES THROUGH.
RADIO REPORTER
Cathode Ray Tube Televisions, or CRT Televisons, or as my grandma called them “Bunny Ear Televisions” were all but extinct a year ago, but these days they may be the most prized possession in the world. When the first solar storm hit 8 months ago, everyone’s big beautiful flat screen televisions went dark when the complicated technology inside them was scrambled by the sun’s magnetic bombardment. The world suddenly went silent and television, in a instant, became a thing of the past. But in the past few months, things began to change. Breaking News America, a formerly fourth rate cable news station announced that they would begin broadcasting their usual nightly news show “Past Prologue”. Using broadcasting methods from the early days of live television, BNA said that it would be able to provide a nightly, live news update to anyone who could get their hands on a Cathode Ray Tube television. Within days, thrift stores and vintage shops were completely cleared out of any CRT televisions. People seemed to be dying for at least something that reminded them of the world they lost 8 months ago. Now, as the world anxiously awaits the results of the “Hong Kong Experiment”, watch parties have sprung up all over the city with large groups of people gathered around whatever Bunny Ear TV they can find.
THE RADIO CLICKS OFF. A NEEDLE IS DROPPED ON A RECORD PLAYER.
SONG:
THERE’S A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
THOMAS
Come in.
DOOR OPENS.
SIOBHÁN
Hey.
THOMAS
Hey... Vinyl still works.
SIOBHÁN
I know.
THOMAS
I always warned you about all your stuff being digital.
SIOBHÁN
And look at me now.
THOMAS
Turns out all the things that made me intolerable, like collecting huge amounts of Vinyl, are now paying off.
SIOBHÁN
Maybe not all the things.
THOMAS
Any word on Hong Kong?
SIOBHÁN
I imagine I would say if I knew anything. It is the most important news in the world right now.
THOMAS
Right. Are Jeff and the kids still upstate?
SIOBHÁN
Yeah. The kids are still pretty freaked out. They started volunteering at a shelter up there, that’s giving them some structure, but he has a hard time getting them to go to sleep at night.
THOMAS
Have you tried Bourbon?
SIOBHÁN
They’re 7 and 9 years old.
THOMAS
I don’t see how that’s relevant.
SIOBHÁN
Anyway. They’ll be fine. Better up there than in the city. In ANY city these days. How are things on Park Avenue?
THOMAS
Turns out I was the only one living on Park Avenue who didn’t buy a place upstate. It’s a ghost town over there, everyone’s gone. I walk the streets like Omega Man.
SIOBHÁN
It’s a little disturbing to me how well you’ve fared in this particular apocalypse we find ourselves in.
THOMAS
I think we’ve both fared pretty well.
SIOBHÁN
I think you’ve liked it just a little bit.
THOMAS
Siobhan, planes were falling from the sky.
SIOBHÁN
Not that part. The other parts. The “vinyl still works” parts.
THOMAS
We were about to go extinct, you and I. We were talking heads on television, nobody cared about talking heads on television anymore. But then this new dark age hit and... we’re suddenly useful. It’s a strange feeling, I never thought I’d be useful again. Have you heard about these watch parties? People gathered around antique televisions every night?
SIOBHÁN
I heard.
THOMAS
People went all-in on the internet, then the internet disappeared. Who do they turn to? A couple of dinosaurs like us.
SIOBHÁN
Don’t call me a dinosaur.
THOMAS
We’re dinosaurs, Siobhan. But it is very suddenly the time of the dinosaurs.
A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
TANIA
Hey.
THOMAS
Tania, what’s the word?
TANIA
Hong Kong failed. We’re on in two minutes.
SIOBHÁN
Shit.
THOMAS
Fuck.
TANIA
Yes. Agreed. Let’s go.
ALL THREE OF THEM WALK DOWN THE HALLWAY. WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A BUSY TELEVISION STUDIO.
TANIA (CONT’D)
We still don’t have the prompter up and running so you’re going to have to wing it.
SIOBHÁN
That’s fine.
THOMAS
Getting used to it at this point.
TANIA
There’s bullet points on the desk. You go through the bullet points and then you’re going to go live to the capitol, apparently the senate is going to vote on another aid package.
THOMAS
Who’s at the capitol?
TANIA
Amanda Marie and Daniel. We’ve got the earpieces up and running again, so both of you be prepared to have me in your ear for the rest of the night.
SIOBHÁN
How long are we going to go with this?
TANIA
Giving them the bad news will take about two minutes, we’re going to broadcast until I feel like people have calmed down a little bit. It’ll take as long as it takes.
THOMAS
Got it.
TANIA
Get to places, I’m getting the control room set up.
TANIA WALKS THROUGH A DOOR INTO THE CONTROL ROOM. THE ROOM IS BUSY WITH TECHNICIANS. DANIEL IS ON THE PHONE.
DANIEL
They’re called Image Orthocon Tubes. If I can get enough of those, I don’t need the physical camera, I can make the camera myself... Okay, call me back, I’m in the control room.
HE HANGS UP.
TANIA
What’s that about?
DANIEL
Spare parts. These cameras are going to fold on us any time, I’m trying to get backups.
TANIA
Did we try the Film and Television museum?
DANIEL
Where do you think I got our current ones from? I’m talking to guys at junkyards now.
TANIA
Is Amanda Marie in my headset yet?
DANIEL
It’s not the greatest signal but it’ll work.
TANIA
Okay. Amanda Marie are you there?
AMANDA MARIE
(In headset.)
I’m here. We’re going to have to broadcast from the capitol steps, these old cameras don’t travel well.
TANIA
That’s fine.
AMANDA MARIE
(In headset.)
On the plus side we’re the only TV news team in existence now so we don’t have to fight for a good shot.
TANIA
Okay, hang tight, we’re going to throw things to you in a few minutes.
DANIEL
Tania, Ryan’s on the phone for you.
TANIA PICKS UP THE PHONE.
TANIA
What’s up, Ryan... uh-huh... seriously? You’re kidding me. Shit, that is hilarious. Okay, be ready when I throw to you.
SHE HANGS UP THE PHONE.
TANIA (CONT’D)
Everyone, listen up for a second...
THE ROOM QUIETS DOWN.
TANIA (CONT’D)
We are about to, once again, go on the air and report some bad news. I know we all wanted good news today but there’s nothing we can do about that. Focus on the job right in front of you, get to the end of the day, then do it again tomorrow, okay? I know it’s a tough world out there but at least we’re a useful part of it. Tom, Siobhan, you two ready?
THOMAS
We’re ready.
TANIA
One minute, people. (Into her headset.) Want to hear something ridiculous?
THOMAS
Of course we do.
TANIA
We’re doing a weather report tonight.
SIOBHÁN
You’re kidding.
TANIA
Ryan has a copy of the Farmer’s Almanac and the phone number of every meteorologist in the Tri-state area and he is just going to dive in.
THOMAS
That is fucking ridiculous.
TANIA
Hey, we’re here to do the news, right? Fifteen seconds.
WE MOVE TO THOMAS AND SIOBHAN ON SET.
SIOBHÁN
I think I’m going to open with a joke, what do you think?
THOMAS
Good idea. “Folks we’ll get to the news of our impending doom in a minute, but first, have you heard the one about the armless hunchback?”
TANIA
(In earpiece.)
And three, two, one...
SIOBHÁN
... Good evening, This is Past Prologue, I’m Siobhán Delilah Rose here with Thomas Stolen. The Hong Kong Project that sought to create a new form of digital storage that would be immune to the sun’s magnetic storms, has failed. The Project hoped to create a computer mainframe that used state of the art shielding to remain functional after a magnetic storm, but it appears now that the project’s design team was too optimistic. We’ll have more details on this story as it develops.
THOMAS
For eight months now, our sun, which for billions of years has fostered life on this planet now seems to be dead set on destroying it. Regular magnetic storms have swept across the globe at least twice a month since the storms began. They have fried everything but the most basic of circuit boards, and made all forms of digital storage impossible. We are now a modern world that can only use pre-war technology.
SIOBHÁN
As we speak, on Capitol Hill, the debate is raging on a new aid package to help those who are struggling the most with this new world we find ourselves in. No doubt, the failure of the Hong Kong Project will greatly inform the current debate. We now go live to Amanda Marie Kathrein on the steps of the capitol. Amanda, what’s the atmosphere like right now?
WE MOVE TO THE STEPS OF THE CAPITOL.
AMANDA MARIE
Siobhan, as I’m sure you can imagine, the atmosphere has gone from tense to panicked.
At the beginning of this crisis there was a large group of members of congress who believed that the troubles would pass and soon everything would get back to normal. But as the months have gone by, those members of congress have quickly been reduced to two senators and ten representatives, now jokingly referred to as “The Ostrich Caucus.”
THOMAS
What are they voting on next?
AMANDA MARIE
Next up is a vote to establish a nationwide network of crisis centers where Americans will be able to receive services. That vote should be happening any minute now.
THOMAS
Okay, we will check back with you soon... Folks, this... well this is yet another day of bad news isn’t it? I’m sure you’re watching right now, and you’re wondering “Why bother?” “Why am I sitting here watching this antique television, going out of my way to get even more bad news?” We hear you, and quite honestly, we don’t know either. Not a lot of light at the end of the tunnel, is there?
TANIA
(In earpiece.)
Thomas, no French novels, please.
THOMAS
As you know, I’m Thomas Stolen. I’m here with my dear friend Siobhan. In the control room now, begging me to not be a depressing sot is our Producer Tania Ricardo. Right next to her is Daniel Kaprat, a man whose weirdly encyclopedic knowledge of mid-century live television made all of what you’re seeing right now possible. At the capitol right now is our ONE correspondent Amanda Marie and her crew of ONE camera man, Sean Wright. We’re not much to look at, but we’re here. And we will continue to be. The world may fall apart completely, but you know what? In a few minutes Ryan Ortega is going to give us a weather report. You heard that right. Ryan has no DOPLAR, he has no satellites, nothing. But he’s going to be on in a few minutes to tell us what the weather is going to be like. The world may be broken, but it spins regardless.
WE MOVE TO AMANDA MARIE AND SEAN AT THE CAPITOL.
SEAN
Okay, we’re out, she’ll give us a thirty second warning.
AMANDA MARIE
Thirty second warning would be nice. Yesterday when she threw to me I had half a sandwich in my hand...
SEAN
... You doing okay?
AMANDA MARIE
... Yeah. I figured Hong Kong was going to shit the bed, but there was this part of me that was really hoping we would catch a break.
SEAN
It was their first try, maybe they’ll get their act together.
AMANDA MARIE
When?
SEAN
Fuck if I know.
AMANDA MARIE
... Police barricades everywhere, no food at the supermarket, London is flooded, I have to walk up 15 flights of stairs to get back to my apartment. We can’t go on like this.
SEAN
It’s a little funny you threw in 15 flights of stairs with those other things.
AMANDA MARIE
Because it’s a tragedy, Sean.
SEAN
I hear you... Look I think we should remind ourselves that human beings existed a long time before circuit boards and hard drives did. I hate how much I sound like my dad when I say that but it’s true.
AMANDA MARIE
What’s that sound?
SEAN
What sound?
AMANDA MARIE
Listen...
WE ARE BACK IN THE CONTROL ROOM.
DANIEL
Hey Tania?
TANIA
What?
DANIEL
Can you put your headset on? Amanda Marie’s freaking out about something.
TANIA
Okay... Amanda, what’s wrong?
AMANDA MARIE
(In the headset.)
PUT ME ON THE AIR RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
THE SOUND OF SPACE TIME RUSHING BY. LEIF AND CASPAR ARE ON THE ROOF. LEIF IS BUSY SETTING UP “THE ARSENAL”. CASPAR LISTENS TO TAMARA’S VIDEO.
TAMARA
And that’s a shame because I was just getting on the trail of my favorite one yet. Something about a man in Jerusalem in the 14th century. A man named Terric of York... I swear to God, I have found evidence of this man, Terric of York, over the last 700 years. Same guy, 700 years... What the hell does that mean, y’all?! Is there another one?! The way people are migrating across the globe now, I may never know, I’ve lost track of him at this point!
LEIF
Why do you keep listening to that?
CASPAR
I’m trying to remember anything I know about Jerusalem in the 14th century.
LEIF
Just for fun?
CASPAR
This thing Tamara said, about this guy Terric of York. It’s bugging me.
LEIF
Why?
CASPAR
She tracked Clementine through her entire planet’s history, and then she got on the trail of this other guy. Apparently he pops up over the course of 700 years. You don’t think that’s weird?
LEIF
Of course I think that’s weird, Caspar, everything is weird.
CASPAR
This seems especially weird.
LEIF
Caspar, we’re floating in a ocean of doo doo right now and you’re picking up one turd and saying “hey guys, isn’t this weird?”
CASPAR
A 700 year old man is in a different category than the other stuff.
LEIF
Are you going to start an old dudes club? Play some golf, secretly influence world events?
CASPAR
Maybe... What’s a British guy doing in Jerusalem in the 14th century?
LEIF
How do you know he’s British?
CASPAR
Terric of York is a British name.
LEIF
Crusades?
CASPAR
Crusades were over.
LEIF
Maybe he was on a pilgrimage?
CASPAR
If he was a member of a religious order he probably would’ve changed his name to something biblical.
LEIF
I don’t know what to tell you.
CASPAR
If there are two Clementines out there, we should know about it, right?
LEIF
Caspar, look at all this up here. I’m a little preoccupied with the one vengeful goddess that we DO know about.
CASPAR
Yeah, it’s looking pretty crazy up here. What is all this?
LEIF
This is the plan. Using the new processor we stole, I’ve put together a smaller version of the Teds’ wind chimes. When she gets here, she should, SHOULD be trapped here. While she’s trapped here the diner gets to work trying to take away her powers. If it can.
CASPAR
And what about the part where she’s psychotic and wants to kill us?
LEIF
That’s where I come in. I’m basically going to throw everything I’ve got at her.
CASPAR
Which will just make her more mad.
LEIF
According to Zebulon, Clementine’s on tilt right now. I need to keep her that way. Keep her off balance. If she can’t focus I think I’ll be able to keep us safe.
CASPAR
Okay. Hey, if you blow her up while she’s riding away on horseback, don’t forget to save the horse.
LEIF
Still?
CASPAR
Oh, yes. Still.
LEIF
John Wilkes Booth.
CASPAR
Still.
LEIF
I’m not going to argue about this anymore. Remind me to tell you about the Tower of Enlightenment on Moog sometime.
CASPAR
Fine. What’s this big antenna?
LEIF
That’s the Hail Mary pass.
CASPAR
People who are confident in their endeavors don’t normally have a Hail Mary pass.
LEIF
Never know when you’re going to need one.
CASPAR
Leif, is any of this going to work?
LEIF
It’s the only play we’ve got.
DOWNSTAIRS IN THE DINER.
GLORIA
She said she couldn’t get back to her people?
ZEBULON
While I do believe that everything must be done to stop her, it was a moment when I felt sympathy for her. I saw her wind the hands of time back and forth. I saw her erase a man only to make him somehow appear once again a moment later. Despite that, she appears unable to return to the home she is attempting to save.
AVA
She can’t go back to her version of Earth and use her power to save it, so she’s been trying to shift the timeline to give her version of Earth a better outcome.
GLORIA
If she can’t get back to her home, how would she even know if it worked?
AVA
I don’t think she would. It sounds like she’s been opening every door she can, hoping that the next thing she does will lead her back to the home she wants to have.
GLORIA
And she doesn’t know that everything she does just makes it worse. She doesn’t realize that she’s the thing that ruined it all for her version of Earth.
AVA
Which is a crazy bananas paradox that shouldn’t be possible, but nobody told her it was impossible so... for her it is possible.
GLORIA
When she shows up again, we need to tell her what’s happening. If she knows the destruction she’s causing maybe she would stop.
ZEBULON
Effie and I have discussed this very thing, Gloria. We do not believe that Clementine should be told of the destruction she has caused her people.
GLORIA
You don’t? Why?
EFFIE
We believe that Clementine is in the thrall of something. Call it what you like, call it the devil, call it hubris. Doesn’t much matter what you call it. But she has been seduced into thinking that she has the power to steer the world as if it were a ship on the ocean. And if you were to tell her that her actions brought destruction to those she loves, there would be no repentance, there would be no reflection. There would only be the voice of that demon within her whispering in her ear: “You can change it all. You can erase your mistakes. The world is for you to shape.” And while that voice has a hold of her, every attempt to reason with her will be dry branches on a bonfire.
ZEBULON
I’m afraid Clementine has become an abomination. A monster. And though there may be within her, a child, we will not save the child without first defeating the monster.
EFFIE
It’s rare this is ever the case, Gloria. But the only solution now is an ass-whuppin’. Pardon my language.
GLORIA
I’m not sure Leif is equipped to whup the demon out of her, y’all.
EFFIE
I’d have a little more faith in that odd bird up on our roof, Gloria. I believe he’s due to surprise us any time now.
AVA
Demons.
GLORIA
Ava?
AVA
...
GLORIA
Ava, you okay?
AVA
Demons.
GLORIA
Uh, what?
AVA
Goddamn demons.
GLORIA
Oh God, is it happening again?
AVA
Goddman. Motherfucking. Demons.
EFFIE
I agree with the sentiment Ava but-
AVA
I have to talk to Leif.
GLORIA
Okay.
BACK DOOR CLOSES.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
I guess we’re going up on the roof. C’mon.
ZEBULON
I’m beginning to feel a bit guilty about being carried around by everyone.
EFFIE
I love it. I feel like the queen of Sheba.
UP ON THE ROOF. AVA IS CLIMBING THE LADDER.
AVA
Leif!
LEIF
What?
AVA
Goddamn, this ladder is a tetanus festival.
LEIF
What’s going on?
AVA
Leif. Listen. Maxwell’s Demon.
LEIF
Maxwell’s Demon?
AVA
Maxwell’s Demon.
LEIF
...
AVA
Think about it.
LEIF
... Maxwell’s Demon.
AVA
Maxwell’s Demon.
GLORIA
(Coming up the ladder.)
What’s happening?
CASPAR
They keep saying Maxwell’s Demon over and over again.
GLORIA
What does that mean?
CASPAR
How would I know?
LEIF
Maxwell’s Demon.
AVA
Maxwell’s Demon.
GLORIA
Are they actually communicating right now?
LEIF
Maxwell’s Demon.
AVA
Maxwell’s Demon.
GLORIA
How long do you think it’s going to take before they talk to us?
CASPAR
They don’t even know we’re here right now.
EFFIE
Y’all if this predicament of ours involves demons do you understand the size of the apology I will be owed by every dang one of you?
CASPAR
I’ll be first in line.
LEIF
We’re not talking about thermodynamics.
AVA
No, expand the idea. Clementine would need a massive amount of energy to do what she does. Where’s it coming from?
LEIF
Hm.
AVA
Uh huh.
GLORIA
I miss having a phone in these moments because I would just check Instagram until they were done.
CASPAR
Who’d you follow on Instagram?
GLORIA
Bakers mostly.
CASPAR
Nice.
LEIF
But if she’s running an entropic deficit, where is she making up for the deficit?
AVA
Think about Silagadze.
LEIF
Silagadze.
AVA
Yes.
CASPAR
I keep forgetting to tell you, I really like what you did with your room.
GLORIA
Thank you.
CASPAR
It’s very cozy.
GLORIA
I need more pictures, I usually have a lot of pictures hanging.
CASPAR
You’ll get there.
LEIF
You’re saying she gets her energy from mirror particles.
AVA
Such as?
LEIF
Dark matter.
AVA
Dark matter.
LEIF
She’s fueled by dark matter.
AVA
Yes!
LEIF
Holy shit.
CASPAR
“My Darling Annabelle, it has been three weeks since Leif and Ava started talking and I fear there is no end in sight.”
LEIF
Clementine has a power source.
GLORIA
Yes, pure evil.
LEIF
Dark matter. She uses dark matter as fuel to do all the things she does.
CASPAR
How?
AVA
No idea.
LEIF
But it means there are rules she has to follow. And if she has rules to follow, that means we can use them against her.
CASPAR
What are you going to do?
LEIF STARTS TYPING FURIOUSLY ON A KEYBOARD.
LEIF
I need to reroute a few things. If Ava’s right, when she shows up, she’ll be pulling errant dark matter from her surroundings. But if I’m pulling dark matter out of the environment too, it might limit her powers.
GLORIA
By how much?
LEIF
No idea. But it might be enough. This might not be a suicide mission anymore.
GLORIA
It was a suicide mission before?
LEIF
Oh yeah, absolutely.
CASPAR
Would’ve liked that information.
GLORIA
You’re going to be able to take her powers away?
LEIF
I seriously doubt it, but if I can siphon enough energy off her I may be able to shave off 25 percent? 30? That may make all the difference.
GLORIA
Okay. While Leif’s doing that, we’ve been talking. We’re not going to tell Clementine that she was the one who destroyed her planet.
CASPAR
We’re not? Why?
GLORIA
Because if we do it might push her over the edge. And when someone that powerful goes over the edge who knows what could happen?
CASPAR
If you were causing that much destruction, wouldn’t you want to know about it?
GLORIA
Honestly. I don’t know.
AVA
Here we go.
THE DINER SETS DOWN ON THE STEPS OF THE CAPITOL BUILDING.
CASPAR
Uhh.
AVA
This is... a bit conspicuous.
GLORIA
Are we... on the steps of the fucking Capitol Building?
CASPAR
I feel like people are going to notice that a diner just appeared outside of congress.
AVA
Where is everyone, though? There’s police barricades everywhere. Leif, where are we?
LEIF
Hang on... this Earth looks pretty screwed up but we’re not in Clementine’s timeline. Maybe the diner took us to neutral territory. This is someplace new... weird.
This looks like a fairly modern Earth but... there’s no data networks... no satellites either, something strange is going on here.
GLORIA
Where is everybody? There should be tourists, reporters.
CASPAR
I see a news camera. Right over there. Look at the correspondent, she’s freaking out. Weird day for her.
AVA
Um... Does she look a little familiar to anyone?
GLORIA
What the hell?
EFFIE
Oh, my lord.
WE MOVE BACK TO THE NEWSROOM.
THOMAS
We’re going to have to cut in here, Amanda Marie at the Capitol has something for us. Amanda, what have you got for us?
AMANDA MARIE Uhhh...
THOMAS
Amanda?
AMANDA MARIE
There is... Just a few seconds ago a uh... well, a diner has appeared on the steps of the Capitol.
THOMAS
...
SIOBHÁN
A... diner?
AMANDA MARIE
We have a live shot here, are you seeing it? Sean can you get closer in?
THOMAS
That’s... a diner.
SIOBHÁN
Amanda, how long has it been there?
AMANDA MARIE
Siobhan it... it just showed up.
SIOBHÁN
I don’t understand.
AMANDA MARIE
I don’t understand.
THOMAS
Amanda you’re saying that a... diner, has just appeared on the steps of the capitol building.
AMANDA MARIE
I’m having a hard time saying those words Tom, because they sound like crazy words.
SIOBHÁN
Amanda, there appears to be people on the roof, can you get a closer shot?
AMANDA MARIE
Sean can you get a closer shot of the roof?... Okay... Okay there we can see the people on the roof and... um, that’s...
SIOBHÁN
That’s...
THOMAS
Am I seeing what everyone else is seeing?
TANIA
(In earpice.)
Is that... me?
DANIEL
(In earpiece.)
What the fuck?!
BACK ON THE ROOF.
GLORIA
That’s totally Effie in front of the camera.
CASPAR
Is it really?
GLORIA
Yeah.
CASPAR
That’s what Effie looks like?
GLORIA
It is.
CASPAR
Effie you look great, that’s a very sharp pantsuit you’re wearing.
EFFIE
It is a fine look, I don’t mind saying, but what in all heck is going on?
AVA
Zebulon’s behind the camera!
GLORIA
Oh shit!
CASPAR
And that’s what Zebulon looks like?
ZEBULON
I feel that I’m not properly dressed for a work day.
GLORIA
What does this mean?
ALERTS START BLARING ON LEIF’S COMMAND CENTER.
LEIF
We’re going to have to figure this out later, people... We’ve got incoming.
GLORIA
Shit. Here we go.
CLEMENTINE MATERIALIZES IN THE PARKING LOT.
CLEMENTINE
Knock knock. Y’all open?
CASPAR
Good luck, Leif.
LEIF
... Showtime.
LEIF THROWS A SWITCH AND A FORCE FIELD POPS INTO EXISTENCE AROUND THE DINER.
GLORIA
Whoa.
AVA
Cool.
CASPAR
Oh shit, did we just put our shields up?
LEIF
How you doing, Clementine?
CLEMENTINE
The fuck is this force field, Leif?
LEIF
Additional security measures. I don’t know if you heard but there’s a fucking insane person out there trying to kill us.
CLEMENTINE
You realize I’m just going to teleport inside your little bubble, right?
LEIF
The thought had occurred to me. Give it a shot.
CLEMENTINE
Jesus Christ. Fine.
CLEMENTINE TELEPORTS AGAIN BUT IS INSTANTLY SPIT BACK OUT AND TUMBLES ACROSS THE PARKING LOT.
CASPAR
Oh shit, Leif.
AVA
Denied.
EFFIE
That was very gratifying.
CLEMENTINE
What the hell was that?
LEIF
Pretty great, right? It’s called Meesock’s Tabernacle. It’s not really a force field, it just looks like it.
CLEMENTINE REELS BACK AND PUNCHES THE FORCE FIELD. IT ECHOS LIKE AN EMPTY STEEL DRUM.
LEIF (CONT’D)
There’s this dwarf planet near the center of Triangulum. It was totally deserted but a surveying team found a workshop there.
Covered in dust and rubble. The only thing left inside was a skeleton, and volume after volume of engineering schematics. Wild stuff, things nobody had seen before. All of it designed by a being named Meesock who’d died a Millenia ago. Nobody knows who he was. All we have are his designs. Meesock’s Chariot, Meesock’s Onager, Meesock’s Astrolabe. And of course, Meesock’s Tabernacle. A force field that isn’t really a force field.
CLEMENTINE PUNCHES THE FORCE FIELD THREE TIMES.
LEIF (CONT’D)
The problem with Meesock’s designs is that they’re so complicated and so elegant that they can’t be scaled and they can’t be mass produced. And in a system where everything’s a volume business, there was just no place for them. Sad, really. So, Meesock’s designs became an oddity, something weird that had no place in the world. Kind of like the knuckleball: weird, strangely effective, but there were really just five of six people in the game that knew how to pull it off. Not to toot my own horn but uh, toot toot, I’m one of those people.
CLEMENTINE
So you’re just going to hide in your little bubble is that it?
LEIF
It’s working so far.
CLEMENTINE
Fine. Suit yourself. I’ll just put you and your diner and your bubble into an even deeper hole than the one I put you in last time, see you soon... What’s.... Rrrg, MOVE... What the fuck, why aren’t you moving?
LEIF
(Under his breath.)
Holy shit, Maxwell’s Demon.
AVA
Yessssss.
LEIF
You having a little trouble there, Clementine?
CLEMENTINE
Why won’t you go away?!
LEIF
Clementine, if I had a beer for every time someone said that to me I’d be shitfaced right now.
CLEMENTINE
What are you doing?!
LEIF
Clementine. You’re out of your league. How about you give this up now before it gets worse?
CLEMENTINE
Out of my league? I could destroy this whole city if I wanted to, out of my league?!
LEIF
Yeah, we’ve all heard the stories of how powerful you are Clementine, that’s not why you’re out of your league. You’re out of your league because of this: Tell me how electricity works.
CLEMENTINE
... What?
LEIF
Electricity. You flick a switch, a light comes on. How does it work?
CLEMENTINE
Wh... I don’t know.
LEIF
Right. And I do. And so does this one.
AVA
Yeah.
LEIF
Maybe not these two so much.
CASPAR
I feel like I could know it.
GLORIA
I’ve just never taken the time.
LEIF
I know what I’m meant to do. Who I’m supposed to be. It took a long time figure it out but I know now. But you, flailing around the cosmos, you have no idea what you’re doing. And that makes your power irrelevant.
CLEMENTINE
Take down this force field, I’ll show you how irrelevant it is.
LEIF
You ever watch Penelope Pitstop?
CLEMENTINE What?
LEIF
I never watched TV when I was a kid. We didn’t have one. But once I left Earth I was constantly on a lot of very long flights. Lot of time to catch up on everything I missed. There was this one old cartoon that caught my attention. Penelope Pitstop is a wealthy heiress, and the bad guy is always trying to steal her riches through these ridiculous plots. Always trying to keep her safe is the Ant Hill Mob, this group of short little gangsters who all had their own gimmick. Lots of allusions to Snow White. Dum Dum was the dumb one, Snoozy was always asleep, you get it. One member of the Ant Hill Gang was Pockets. Pockets could always reach into his pockets and pull out whatever they needed to get out of a jam, defying all laws of physics. He pulled a suspension bridge out of his pocket one time. I loved that guy. A criminal, a guy who could make things, and a guy who wanted to defend something beautiful. Anyway, I’m sure you can see where I’m going with this...
SOMETHING BEGINS TO POWER UP. THE POWER CONTINUES TO INCREASE EXPONENTIALLY AND A HUGE CANON DEPLOYS ON THE ROOF.
CASPAR
What the fuck?
LEIF
I’m Pockets.
LEIF’S CANNON UNLEASHES A MASSIVE BEAM OF ENERGY ONTO CLEMENTINE, DRIVING HER INTO THE GROUND. THE CANON POWERS DOWN AND THERE’S A MOMENT OF SILENCE.
CASPAR
Jesus Christ, did you just vaporize her?
LEIF
No.
CLEMENTINE PULLS HERSELF FROM THE RUBBLE CREATED BY LEIF’S CANON.
CLEMENTINE
Fucking asshole.
LEIF
Pretty fun, right? Who doesn’t love a good particle canon?
CLEMENTINE
Yeah... Yeah, that does look like fun... I think I’ll give it a try.
CLEMENTINE UNLEASHES THE SAME BEAMS OF ENERGY FROM HER OWN HANDS AND LEIF’S SHIELD WAVERS A BIT UNDER THE ATTACK.
GLORIA
Oh fuck!
LEIF
Everybody down!
CASPAR
What the fuck?!
CLEMENTINE STOPS HER ATTACK.
GLORIA
Did she just shoot friggin’ lasers from her hands?
LEIF
I think so?
CLEMENTINE
(Maliciously singing.)
“Anything you can do I can do better, I can do anything better than you...”
CLEMENTINE FIRES BEAMS OF ENERGY AT THE SHIELD AGAIN. SOME OF LEIF’S EQUIPMENT BEGINS SHORT CIRCUIT UNDER THE STRAIN.
LEIF
Everybody stay down!
WE MOVE BACK TO THE NEWSROOM.
SIOBHÁN
So, Amanda... What are we looking at now?
AMANDA MARIE
Uh... There’s a woman... she appears to be shooting lasers out of her hands at the diner that has just appeared on the steps of the capitol...
SIOBHÁN
Sure that’s... okay just making sure.
WE BEGIN TO HEAR “SPORTSCENTER” STYLE MUSIC COMING FROM SEEMINGLY EVERYWHERE.
THOMAS
What is that music?
WE MOVE BACK TO THE ROOF.
LEIF
We’re okay, the shield’s holding.
GLORIA
You didn’t tell me about lasers out of the hands, Leif.
CASPAR
This is the LESS powerful version of her?
LEIF
We’re okay. We’re just getting started.
AVA
What is that music?
EFFIE
(As Kitty Caldwell)
Welcome back, sports fans I’m Kitty Caldwell here with Bram Frampton.
ZEBULON
(As Bram Frampton)
And we are coming to you live from The Rumble at the Capitol! If you are just joining us the fight is off to a thunderous start, Leif unleashed a DEVastating Particle Beam attack on Clementine but then Clementine surprised us all by returning fire with not one but TWO particle beams out of her own damn hands.
EFFIE
Bram, the look on Leif’s face when she returned fire.
ZEBULON
Kitty I thought Leif was going to make a big old boom boom in his dipey-wipey.
EFFIE
Bram, how do you think Leif’s going to recover from this?
ZEBULON
Well, Kitty, Leif may be a mere mortal compared to Clementine’s crazy godhood but he’s got a bag of tricks the size of my grandmother’s yarn barn. Who knows what he’s going to pull out of there.
A SQUADRON OF DRONES TAKES OFF FROM THE ROOF.
LEIF
Fly my pretties.
ZEBULON
And it looks like it’s drones!
EFFIE
You know Bram, I was not expecting drones so soon.
ZEBULON
It’s an unconventional choice, but Leif’s an unconventional guy, let’s watch...
CLEMENTINE
Drones? What are you going to do? Annoy me to death?
LEIF
Firing flechette guns.
THE DRONES ALL UNLEASH A HAIL OF FAST MOVING NEEDLES
CLEMENTINE
OW! Fuck!
EFFIE
Ooooh those bees do like to sting don’t they?
ZEBULON
Kitty the drones appear to be firing some sort of projectiles at a very high rate right now, let’s talk to Leif about it. Leif, what are your drones packing right now?
LEIF
Huh?
EFFIE
We see you’ve got some interesting firepower on the field right now, tell us about it.
LEIF
Uh, yeah, flechette gun or a needle gun. Small, needle like projectiles fired with an electromagnet at a very high velocity.
EFFIE
Well that sounds like an ouchie factory.
ZEBULON
I’ll tell you, Kitty, I am never looking at my acupuncturist in the same way again.
CLEMENTINE IS RANDOMLY SWATTING AND FIRING HER LASER HANDS AT THE DRONE SWARM. WE MOVE BACK TO THE CONTROL ROOM.
TANIA
Okay, I have several questions that I need answered.
DANIEL
Like why are our doppelgängers on the roof of a diner that’s suddenly appeared on the steps of the capitol?
TANIA
Yes, thank you Daniel, that’s one.
EFFIE
You know Bram, the drones looked like an odd choice at first but Clementine does seem to be having a dickens of a time getting rid of them.
TANIA
Maybe we should start with who’s breaking in to the broadcast?
DANIEL
Only so much I can do about that, this technology is one step up from the Bronze Age.
TANIA
(Into headset.)
Tom, we have no idea what’s going on with the other voices, also we have no idea what’s going on with anything.
THOMAS
Folks, we don’t have any answers for you about what’s currently happening at the capitol, all we can tell you... uh...
SIOBHÁN
All we can tell you is that we’re going to keep on this until we can tell you something, how about that?
THOMAS
That sounds good.
ZEBULON
Kitty I’m starting to get this sense that Leif is putting together his next move and the drones are just a distraction.
THOMAS
Yes, also you’re going to be hearing some other voices as we’re broadcasting. That is, unfortunately, another thing we don’t know about. They’re just kind of... here.
EFFIE
Bram she is like Tippi Hedren out there with those drones.
THOMAS
Like that. Like what you just heard. No idea where that’s coming from.
SIOBHÁN
Amanda are you still there?
AMANDA MARIE
I’m still here.
SIOBHÁN
I don’t know how else to ask this, but are... the laser beams randomly firing into the sky?
AMANDA MARIE
Siobhan there now appears to be a squadron of drones? Firing something at the laser lady? And she’s firing lasers randomly at the cloud of drones? In other news, could someone please fire me for having to say what I just said?
THOMAS
And this is all happening in the parking lot of the diner that has just appeared on the capitol steps.
AMANDA MARIE
... Sure.
WE MOVE BACK TO THE ROOF.
LEIF
Okay, everybody, real quick while she’s distracted by the drones, everybody take one of these.
CASPAR
What are they?
LEIF
You don’t want to know, just do it.
GLORIA
Are these grenades or something?
LEIF
Or something.
AVA
I love it, give me one.
LEIF
Everybody throw on three, ready? One, two, THREE!
FOUR STEEL BALLS BOUNCE INTO THE PARKING LOT AROUND CLEMENTINE’S FEET.
CLEMENTINE
What’s this now?
WE HEAR A SUDDEN HISSING SOUND AND RAPIDLY SOLIDIFYING ICE.
CLEMENTINE (CONT’D)
Oh SH-
THE ICE HARDENS COMPLETELY WITH CLEMENTINE INSIDE.
AVA
Dude.
CASPAR
Is this what I think it is?
LEIF
Chemical ice.
EFFIE
Looks like you were right, Bram.
ZEBULON
Kitty it’s looking like the drones kept Clementine busy just long enough for Leif to make his next move.
EFFIE
And it’s gotten a chilly reception, wouldn’t you say?
ZEBULON
That’s right, it’s looking like Clementine failed to turn before the iceberg and now she’s got passengers manning the lifeboats.
GLORIA
You trapped her in a giant ice cube.
LEIF
I did.
GLORIA
Can she get out of it?
LEIF
I’m sure she can get out of it. They question is, can the diner suck the evil out of her before she escapes.
CASPAR
How long did it take with the Shopzies?
LEIF
Several hours.
CASPAR
Yeesh.
GLORIA
How long do you think she’ll be frozen?
LEIF
Not several hours. I need to work on my next move.
ZEBULON
And that’s half-time. What a way to end the first half, wouldn’t you say, Kitty?
EFFIE
Bram, as we’ve seen before, Leif loves to steal things.
ZEBULON
That is true, he is not Ronald McDonald he is the Hamburglar.
EFFIE
And right at the end of the first half we see it. Chemical Ice. The dreaded tool of his arch enemy, The Teds.
LEIF
Hey, if it works, it works.
ZEBULON
You heard it right here folks, from the man himself. If it works, it works.
EFFIE
Don’t go far, folks, we’re going to have more action for you, right after this break.
WE MOVE BACK TO THE TV STUDIO.
THOMAS
... Okay, now the voices appear to be cutting to some sort of commercial break which we’re not hearing, not sure what that’s about.
SIOBHÁN
If you’re just joining us... wow. How to summarize this?
THOMAS
A bit of a challenge.
SIOBHÁN
Earlier this evening, on the steps of the Capitol, a diner appeared.
THOMAS
That’s bizarre thing number 1.
SIOBHÁN
On the roof of that diner appeared to be... well, us. People who look exactly like myself, like Tom, as well as Sean and Tania who produce this show.
THOMAS
Bizarre thing number 2.
SIOBHÁN
And then... uh...
THOMAS
I’ll take this one, and then a red-headed woman also appeared in the parking lot of the diner that had just appeared on the capitol steps... and she began shooting lasers from her hands.
SIOBHÁN
Yes, that... that happened. And that is bizarre thing number 3.
THOMAS
Now, that’s plenty of bizarre things for me. But we are not stopping there.
SIOBHÁN
No we’re not.
THOMAS
Because now there is a big block of ice? Is that right, Amanda?
AMANDA MARIE
That’s right, Tom. Huge block of ice.
THOMAS
And do we have any idea where this block of ice may have come from?
AMANDA MARIE
Seriously?
THOMAS
Well, I’m just wondering-
AMANDA MARIE
You really think I’m going to know where a block of ice the size of a Ford Super Duty came from?
THOMAS
I don’t uh-
AMANDA MARIE
You’re asking me this before you ask me about the magical diner or the laser lady?
THOMAS
I’m just trying to kill some time, Amanda, because apparently we’re on a commercial break!
SIOBHÁN
Folks if you’re watching at home and think that we’re all having some sort of massive hallucination, who knows? You may be right. One thing’s for sure though, for the past several minutes I bet you haven’t been thinking about how the sun’s trying to destroy our planet.
THOMAS
That’s a very important point, Siobhan. In fact I almost forgot myself.
WE START TO HEAR “BACK FROM COMMERCIAL” MUSIC.
THOMAS (CONT’D)
Okay, it looks like we’re hearing something again, let’s listen in. Amanda, keep that camera pointed at the action.
AMANDA MARIE
Well what else am I going to film?
THOMAS
Okay, just making sure.
ZEBULON
And we’re back!
EFFIE
Bram, while we’re waiting to for the second half to begin, a bit of behind-the-scenes business. I have heard from multiple sources that right before the action began tonight, there was a dramatic change in Leif’s approach to facing off with Clementine.
ZEBULON
Is that right?
EFFIE
It’s true, and it all has to do with something called “Maxwell’s Demon”.
ZEBULON
Sounds spicy!
EFFIE
Now, I would not be able to explain this to you, I’m no expert. Luckily, in the studio right now we have the member of the team responsible for this tactic change, Dr. Ava Maddox. Ava, how are you doing today?
AVA
Huh? Oh. Oh, okay. Hi.
CASPAR
What are you doing?
AVA
Shh. I’m doing press.
EFFIE
Ava. Maxwell’s Demon. Tell us all about it.
AVA
Maxwell’s Demon is a thought experiment proposed by physicist James Maxwell.
EFFIE
And what does that have to do with our match up tonight?
AVA
Maxwell’s thought experiment imagined a super-being. Someone who was able to control the flow of particles in a way that defied the laws of thermodynamics. Maxwell asked, could a being like this exist?
EFFIE
And what does that have to do with our match up tonight?
AVA
Well, for a long time it was thought that Maxwell’s Demon couldn’t exist, because cheating your way out of the laws of thermodynamics would cause you to incur an entropic debt. You would be generating energy, and you don’t generate energy in any universe, you move it from one place to another.
EFFIE
I’m sensing a twist.
AVA
Then along comes Zurab Silagadze. He proposed that Maxwell’s Demon could exist if the demon was paying off its entropic debt through mirror mater, like mirror photons or dark matter. So we thought, what if Clementine works in a similar way?
EFFIE
Well I don’t understand a word of that but you’re saying you used this idea to take Clementine out at the knees?
AVA
She’s definitely working at a reduced capacity right now. She could easily get out of that block of ice had Leif not started siphoning dark matter.
THE ICE STARTS TO CRACK.
GLORIA
Uh, Leif?
LEIF
Yeah?
GLORIA
I think the ice age is coming to an end over here.
LEIF
Fuck, already?
GLORIA
Look.
LEIF
... Shit.
ZEBULON
Kitty, it looks like the second half is starting wether we like it or not.
EFFIE
Clementine has had enough of the ice bath and she is ready to take the field.
GLORIA
What do we do? What’s the next move?
LEIF
Goddamn it, it doesn’t matter.
GLORIA
What do you mean?
LEIF
I was hoping I’d be able to hold her off longer than this, she’s unstoppable.
GLORIA
Nobody’s unstoppable, Leif. Think.
THE ICE KEEPS CRACKING AND WATER BEGINS RUNNING FROM IT.
AVA
The ice is melting. I think she’s raising her body temperature.
LEIF
Fuck!
GLORIA
Hey, you told me you’ve been in worse jams than this. Think about those, what did you do?
LEIF
Ok... I would always make a plan but then there was always a point towards the end where I would have to abandon the plan and just wing it.
GLORIA
I think we’re there.
ZEBULON
Kitty, I want to remind everyone that that is not just a block of ice Clementine is trapped in but a block of Chemical Ice, the freezing point of which is far lower than regular old H-2-O. For her to cause that to melt so fast she would have to be generating enough energy to light up South America.
EFFIE
Bram, if Leif has a Hail Mary pass, it’s time for him to throw it.
CASPAR
Hail Mary pass! Hail Mary pass!
GLORIA
What’s the Hail Mary pass?
CASPAR
Something to do with that huge antenna.
GLORIA
Leif, Hail Mary pass!
LEIF
(To himself.)
“Enough energy to light up South America.”
AVA
I can see her inside the ice now. She’s glowing.
CASPAR
Leif!
LEIF
I need to boost the signal. We’re going all in on the Hail Mary pass. Caspar, see those two red cables?
CASPAR
Yeah.
LEIF
Pull them.
CASPAR
Okay.
THE CABLES ARE PULLED AND THEY CRACKLE WITH ELECTRICITY.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Okay, these cables are VERY live.
LEIF
That’s the dark matter energy I’ve been funneling from the surroundings.
CASPAR
Should I be holding these in my hands right now?
LEIF
On the Hail Mary antenna there’s two auxiliary power inputs, do you see them?
CASPAR
Yes.
LEIF
Plug the cables into it.
GLORIA
What does the Hail Mary Antenna do?
LEIF
Nothing if this doesn’t work.
CASPAR
I’ve plugged in the red cables and also I taste pennies.
LEIF
Here we go.
AVA
She’s almost out of the ice!
CLEMENTINE
Leif! I’m going to make you pay for this one!
CLEMENTINE BURSTS FREE FROM THE REST OF THE ICE.
EFFIE
Uh oh. Clementine has broken free of that ice like it was a brick wall and she was the Kool Aid Man.
ZEBULON
She does not look happy, Kitty.
CLEMENTINE
Open up!
CLEMENTINE FIRES HER LASER HANDS AT THE SHIELD AND IT BEGINS TO BUCKLE.
EFFIE
Bram, Clementine is tearing into Leif’s defenses and the look on her face...
ZEBULON
Like a bear who just stumbled into an Old Country Buffet, Kitty.
THE HAIL MARY ANTENNA BEGINS TO SPIN AND HUM.
LEIF
There we go... C’mon.
AVA
The shield is not doing great.
LEIF
C’mon.
ZEBULON
Kitty, we really need to be asking ourselves what this Hail Mary Pass could be. Could it do any good? Could this be the end of a very long streak of good luck for Leif?
EFFIE
Leif, any statement for us in these final moments? Has your luck finally run out?
LEIF
Fuck luck.
AVA
Is anyone smelling popcorn?
WE BEGIN TO HEAR “ANOTHER WRESTLER IS ENTERING THE RING” MUSIC.
ZEBULON
Uh oh, Kitty, we know what that music means!
EFFIE
Bram it sounds to me like another player has entered the arena.
THE EX APPEARS!
THE EX
Hey!
CASPAR
Ex?!?
CLEMENTINE
Who are you?
THE EX
Get away from my friends!
THE EX PUNCHES CLEMENTINE AND SENDS HER FLYING.
ZEBULON
Hoooo MY! That is one heck of a haymaker from The Ex, she has sent Clementine rolling down the capitol steps faster than a drunk Kennedy.
EFFIE
This is a game changer, Bram.
LEIF
Fuck yeah.
CASPAR
Ex!
THE EX
Oh my God, Hi!
CASPAR
What the hell?!
THE EX
I kept hearing this really annoying sound in the back of my head, when I really listened to it, It was a message from Leif saying you all were in trouble, so here I am.
GLORIA
The Hail Mary Antenna.
LEIF
Hail Mary is right.
THE EX
Who’s this lady?
CASPAR
Ex, read my mind real quick.
THE EX
Okay.... Heh, Abe Lincoln... Okay... Okay... Shopzies? Could’ve workshopped that.
GLORIA
Thank you!
THE EX
... Oh my God she spied on you?... Oh my God an Asteroid!? Oh my God your moooooooms!... Wait...
GLORIA
Here it comes.
THE EX
She offered WHAT?!
CASPAR
It wasn’t great.
THE EX
Oh, this chick’s gotta go.
GLORIA
We agree.
CASPAR
Yeah, she’s, oh shit-
AVA
Laser hands!
THE EX
Laser what?
CLEMENTINE HAS RECOVERED AND BLASTS THE EX WITH LASER HANDS.
THE EX (CONT’D)
OW OW OW OW OW OW!
CLEMENTINE STOPS.
THE EX (CONT’D) ...Ow.
CLEMENTINE
Who the fuck are you?
THE EX
Who the fuck are you?
CLEMENTINE
I’m Clementine.
THE EX
That’s a stupid name.
CLEMENTINE
You have to have someone fight your battles for you, Leif?
THE EX
Hey. Don’t talk to him. You’re talking to me now. These people are my friends and you’re trying to hurt them.
CLEMENTINE
I don’t know who you are, but you’re in my way.
THE EX
I don’t know who you are. And I don’t care.
CLEMENTINE
Whatever. Let’s do this.
EFFIE
Bram, the game is officially changed.
ZEBULON
This is an epic showdown, Kitty. The irresistible force of Clementine versus the Immovable Object that is The Ex. No telling how this turns out.
CLEMENTINE
You have no idea what you’re up against right now.
THE EX
Sweetie, I’ve survived 11 million versions of Caspar, I’m pretty sure I can handle you.
CASPAR
That’s a little unfair.
GLORIA
PUNCH HER IN THE BOOB!
CLEMENTINE AND THE EX SCREAM AND RUN AT EACH OTHER AS WE MOVE BACK TO THE TV STUDIO. SIOBHAN AND THOMAS WATCH IN STUNNED SILENCE AS WE HEAR THE SOUND OF PUNCHES BEING THROWN, THINGS BEING DESTROYED AND LASER HANDS BEING FIRED.
SIOBHÁN
So, uh... Amanda?
AMANDA MARIE
Yeah?
SIOBHÁN
What uh... What are we looking at here?
AMANDA MARIE
I have no fucking idea.
THOMAS
Whoa, language!
AMANDA MARIE
Like the FCC exists anymore.
THOMAS
Can you just describe what we’re seeing right now?
AMANDA MARIE
Of course I can’t.
THOMAS
Could you maybe just give it a try, Amanda.
AMANDA MARIE
Oh, okay, fine. There’s a red headed lady with laser hands and she is currently in a fight with a... I don’t know, some sort of thing that nerds masturbate to.
THOMAS
I’m just trying to report the news here, Amanda.
AMANDA MARIE
Well here’s some breaking news: ya’ can’t.
BACK IN THE PARKING LOT. THE EX AND CLEMENTINE ARE OUT OF BREATH AFTER BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF EACH OTHER.
THE EX
Hey Clementine, you know what’s funny? Look at us. We’re out of breath after trying to beat the crap out of each other. But here’s the thing: I don’t breathe. I’m an android. So what am I doing?
CLEMENTINE
What are you doing?
THE EX
I think it’s a relic. I used to be programmed to mimic human behavior. There’s a few things I still keep around just for fun. I imagine it’s the same for you, right?
CLEMENTINE
What do you know about me?
THE EX
Well, I can read minds, Clementine. And I’ve been trying to read yours for the past few minutes, but it’s funny... You don’t have one. You’ve Got arms, legs, a head. No brain. There’s nothing there.
CLEMENTINE
... I know.
THE EX
That’s a new one for me. What happened to your brains?
CLEMENTINE
Guess I didn’t need them.
THE EX
I know how you feel. I don’t have a brain either. My body is just one big slab.
CLEMENTINE
You don’t look like one big slab.
THE EX
Aw, I bet you say that to all the girls... It’s a little lonely, right?... Knowing there’s no one like you... Here we are, two unique beings. Maybe we should compare notes?
CLEMENTINE
No, thank you.
THE EX
Oh. Relentless in the pursuit of your mission? Yeah, I used to be like that too. Then I realized I didn’t have to be. I realized I could let it all go. You should give it a try.
CLEMENTINE
Why is this diner full of people who can’t shut the fuck up?
THE EX
I know, it’s really annoying right? It’s the ones that don’t talk that worry me though. Anytime I see someone who doesn’t talk and keeps to themself I worry about them. Because they’re afraid. They’re afraid if they open their mouth that something will change. They say something and it changes everything. That’s an amazing thing about words. I’m pretty powerful, as I’m sure you’ve noticed. The power that runs through me is the kind of thing that normal people dream of. But it’s nothing compared to someone just opening their mouth and speaking. You can say the right word at the right time and the ground can shift underneath you, a dark world becomes brighter, you can change everything about yourself in an instant, just by speaking... Give it a try Clementine... Speak...
CLEMENTINE
... No.
THE EX
... Okay. Then I guess it’s back to beating the crap out of each other.
LEIF
It was you, Clementine.
GLORIA
Leif.
CLEMENTINE What?
LEIF
You’re trying to figure out what destroyed your world? It was you.
CASPAR
I thought we said-
LEIF
Trust me.
CLEMENTINE
That’s impossible.
LEIF
You’re right. It is. But you can do impossible things, Clementine. It was you.
CLEMENTINE
I come from a destroyed world, I can’t be the cause of it.
LEIF
Every time you went back in time trying to save it, you destroyed it a little bit more. I know, it’s hard to understand... I’m coming down.
CASPAR
Leif, what are you doing?
LEIF
Hey. I said I would handle this. I’m handling it.
GLORIA
Let him go, Caspar.
ZEBULON
Kitty, what do you think we’re looking at right now?
EFFIE
Bram, in an unprecedented move, Leif has called a time out and is headed out on the field. It’s brief moments like this that can shift a game’s trajectory entirely. Let’s watch.
DOOR CHIME.
LEIF
... When you put us in jail, it was on your version of Earth in the future. I imagine that was on purpose, you wanted us to see what your world had become. But there were people there. People from other planets. They were picking through the rubble, trying to find out what had happened. They had learned some things. They had learned that every bad thing that had happened on the planet happened when there was a visit from a beautiful red-headed woman named Clementine.
CLEMENTINE
You’re lying.
LEIF
I didn’t figure it out. It was Tamara. Do you remember Tamara? She was a security guard at a mall? You gave her a diamond from the surface of Mercury. She spent the rest of her life trying to figure out who you were. She learned a lot. Siberia? Indonesia? Fires in California? Does any of this sound familiar?
CLEMENTINE
There’s no way you could know that.
LEIF
Clementine, there’s no way you can’t know it. I know pretty well what it looks like when someone’s dancing just as fast as they can, trying to keep the truth away.
CLEMENTINE
That can’t be the truth.
LEIF
You’ve been pushing through every door, weaving through history, trying to make something happen. If you stopped? For just one second? If you took one second to look back and see the trail of destruction you’re leaving behind you? You’d know I was right.
CLEMENTINE
... It can’t be me.
LEIF
I know a little something about leaving a trail of destruction behind you. Sometimes it’s so much you feel like you can’t ever look back. So at a certain point you decide that the only way you can function is through denial.
It works pretty well for a while but, it’s no way to live... Clementine, we have you trapped here.
CLEMENTINE What?
LEIF
That was the whole plan, okay? We get you here, we trap you here, the diner would slowly take away your powers while we duck and cover and hope you don’t kill us first.
CLEMENTINE
...
LEIF
Go ahead, try to teleport away. You can’t.
CLEMENTINE
... TURN IT OFF!
CASPAR
Ex!
THE EX
Leif, get behind me.
LEIF
I’m going to turn it off. Okay? It’s okay. I’m going to turn it off, not because I’m afraid you’re going to kill me but because... Because I believe in you, Clementine. I believe in people. I believe they can change.
LEIF PRESSES A BUTTON ON A REMOTE.
LEIF (CONT’D)
There. It’s off. How about we call this one a draw?
CLEMENTINE Why?
LEIF
Because we can’t beat it out of you. You’ve got to see it for yourself.
CLEMENTINE
...
CLEMENTINE TELEPORTS AWAY.
ZEBULON
And that’s the game!
EFFIE
Bram, you can’t call it a victory, but everyone did walk away from this one and you can’t be mad at that.
ZEBULON
Kitty, this was the fight of Leif’s life, and what did he do? Abandoned his usual way of thinking at the last minute and used his real power: being a human being.
EFFIE
So poignant, Bram. So poignant. We’re going to take a quick break then we’ll be back as Bram and I brake down the match moment by moment.
RADIO STATIC.
CASPAR
They’re not actually going to break it down moment by moment are they?
EFFIE
(Herself again.)
We’re back y’all.
LEIF
Sorry everyone.
THE EX
I thought it was really beautiful, Leif.
LEIF
Thanks, Ex.
GLORIA
When you said you were going to abandon the plan, I was not expecting this.
LEIF
I know.
AVA
I wasn’t too happy about it either but, doing the math, she would’ve needed to stay here for hours before the diner could fix her. That means several hours of Clementine and the Ex pounding away at each other. They would’ve leveled the whole place.
GLORIA
I guess I could get more mad about it but I FOR REAL thought we were all dead.
CASPAR
You know, thinking back on it now, this whole thing was a terrible plan.
LEIF
It was our only plan.
CASPAR
Yes, I’m realizing now that, just because it is the only plan, does not, in fact, make it a good plan.
EFFIE
I don’t like that you went against our wishes, Leif, but we understand. It was made better by watching our friend deliver just a little bit of ass-whuppin’ to Clementine.
THE EX
My pleasure.
ZEBULON
It is, of course, wrong to celebrate violence, except for, of course, this time.
AMANDA MARIE
Excuse me?
LEIF
...
GLORIA
...
CASPAR
...
EFFIE
It is such an odd feeling staring into my own face like that.
ZEBULON
I don’t see it.
AMANDA MARIE
I’m Amanda Marie... I’m with Breaking News America... We’re live right now... could I ask you some questions?
LEIF
Gloria, looks like you’ve got to give them the talk.
GLORIA
You know what? You do it.
LEIF
For real?
GLORIA
Yeah. You did good today. Go take a victory lap. Talk to the people.
LEIF
Okay. Okay, cool.
LEIF WALKS OVER TO THE CAMERA.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Hey there.
AMANDA MARIE
Could I get your name?
LEIF
I’m Leif. Hello everyone...
THE EX TELEPORTS UP TO THE ROOF.
THE EX
Okay, HI!
CASPAR
WHOA teleporting.
THE EX
Sorry.
CASPAR
That’s okay, it’s been a tense day I’m a little jumpy, how are you!?
THE EX
That was so much fun just now!
CASPAR
Fun is a word.
THE EX
Clementine’s crazy powerful.
CASPAR
She is. I hate it.
THE EX
I haven’t gotten a real workout in a while, she shot me with laser beams!
CASPAR
Only you could phrase that exactly like that.
THE EX
So how have you been, are things with Ava, y’know-
AVA
I’m sitting right here.
THE EX
Oh hey, Hi!
AVA
Thanks for bailing us out, Ex. I love your violence.
THE EX
Thank you.
GLORIA
Ex, I can’t believe this but I’m going to hug you.
THE EX
I love it.
GLORIA
I’ve never been happier to see a thing I don’t understand in my life.
THE EX
Sounds like Clementine really put y’all through the wringer, huh?
GLORIA
It was rough there for a minute.
THE EX
I loved swooping in and saving the day, I felt like Zorro.
GLORIA
Okay, I’m making everybody food. Come down in a minute and tell me how Shel is doing okay?
THE EX
Okay, I will.
AVA
I’ll head down, too. Thanks again, Slugger.
THE EX
No problem. So, what happens next? Do we go after her, do we wait for her to come to us?
CASPAR
Ex. You can’t come with us.
THE EX
Why? You obviously need my help.
CASPAR
Oh yeah, for sure. But, I don’t know where this ends with Clementine. She could come back at us even harder than before, she’s completely unpredictable.
THE EX
Which is why you obviously need my help.
CASPAR
Ex. Why don’t you tell me why you can’t come with us?
THE EX
(Sighing.)
... Because I have obligations now.
CASPAR
That’s right, you’re off on a distant planet raising little tree-lets now. If we went up against Clementine again and something happened to you, they’d be screwed. You’ve got people depending on you. I’m thrilled to see you, but if Leif had told me he was calling you in, I would’ve told him no. I’m sorry. You can’t come with us.
THE EX
... Fine... Can I at least drink a margarita and pretend like I’m drunk again?
CASPAR
Of course.
THE EX
Okay, let’s go.
CASPAR
WAIT.
THE EX
What? What’s wrong.
CASPAR
Wait...
THE EX
Caspar?
CASPAR
You can’t come with us. But I do need you to do me a favor.
THE EX
Oh. Okay...
ME MOVE TO LEIF BEING INTERVIEWED IN THE PARKING LOT.
LEIF
So wait, regular magnetic storms?
AMANDA MARIE
I mean, they’re not like clockwork but it’s a couple of times a month.
LEIF
A month?!
AMANDA MARIE
A month.
LEIF
Holy shit.
AMANDA MARIE
But what I wanted to ask you-
LEIF
So you can’t use any modern electronics?
AMANDA MARIE
I mean, look at the camera we’re using, this is from 1955.
LEIF
That’s crazy.
AMANDA MARIE
It is, but I wanted to ask-
LEIF
So you guys are screwed.
AMANDA MARIE
Well, we’re trying some solutions. There was an experiment in Hong Kong, something about tri-blend metallic shielding-
LEIF
Oh yeah that’ll never work.
AMANDA MARIE
Can you tell me where this diner-
LEIF
Wait. I have an idea. (Calling up to the roof.) Ex?
THE EX
Yeah?
LEIF
The force field unit, do you see it?
THE EX
Yeah.
LEIF
Could you bring that down, and the book right next to it?
THE EX
Sure.
LEIF
Thanks... I think I can help you out.
AMANDA MARIE
Help... help us out how-
THE EX TELEPORTS TO LEIF.
AMANDA MARIE (CONT’D)
HOLY GODDAMNIT.
LEIF
Oh. Sorry. Not to worry. Just a teleporting android.
THE EX
Hi. Here’s this big metal thing. Here’s the book.
LEIF
Thanks Ex.
THE EX
No problem.
THE EX TELEPORTS AWAY.
AMANDA MARIE
Fucking what...
LEIF
You get use to it.
AMANDA MARIE
Can you tell me what she is-
LEIF
I’ll get to that in a second. Let me talk to the people really quick, I’m going right into the camera... Hello, America. My name is Leif. I am leaving you with two things. One: Meesock’s Tabernacle. This force field will hook up to any power source and give you a diffusion field that will protect you from magnetic storms but it’ll only protect one building, which is why I’m leaving you with this. A copy of the Mysteries of Meesock. All kinds of interesting things in there that will help the world get through this trying time. There’s an abandoned gold mine is South Dakota that’s already set up for experiments and it’s deep enough to protect you from magnetic storms. Good luck.
AMANDA MARIE
Thank you. So... Okay, let me just start from the beginning. What is this place?
LEIF
Oh shit. You know what? It’s time to go. I’ve got to head inside.
AMANDA MARIE
Wait-
LEIF
(Walking away.)
You guys are going to do great! Read the book and get to work!
AMANDA MARIE
Who are you people?
LEIF
We run a diner!
A NEEDLE DROPS ON A RECORD AGAIN.
SONG:
WE MOVE BACK TO WHERE WE BEGAN, IN THOMAS’ OFFICE. THE PHONE IS RINGING. HE PICKS UP.
THOMAS
Hello.
CASPAR
Your correspondent gave me this number to call.
THOMAS
Hello, me.
CASPAR
Well. Hello, me.
THOMAS
... This is weird.
CASPAR
I imagine it must be.
THOMAS
Not weird for you, though?
CASPAR
No, this is pretty average right now.
THOMAS
Okay...
CASPAR
Hey, any second now, we’re not going to be here anymore. I’d ask your questions now, if you have them.
THOMAS
Okay... Why is my doppelgänger on the roof of a magical diner?
CASPAR
I’m not your doppelgänger. There’s infinite universes and there’s infinite... us. In your universe you’re on the news, in mine I’m in a magical diner.
THOMAS
Okay...
CASPAR
You’ve probably got about 30 seconds.
THOMAS
... Any advice on being us?
CASPAR
I’m not the greatest version of us to ask advice from... how about this... Find people you love. Hold onto them. Never... ever, let go.
THE PHONE GOES TO A BUSY SIGNAL. THOMAS HANGS UP THE PHONE.
SIOBHÁN
Holy shit, the diner just disappeared, parking lot and everything.
THOMAS
... I just talked to him.
SIOBHÁN
Who?
THOMAS
Me.
SIOBHÁN
No.
THOMAS
Yes.
SIOBHÁN
How?
THOMAS
I told Amanda to give him my office number. The phone went dead then you came in.
SIOBHÁN
... What did you ask?
THOMAS
I asked him for advice on being me.
SIOBHÁN
What did he say?
THOMAS
... He told me to stick with you.
SIOBHÁN
Okay... So he’s a genius.
THOMAS
I guess so.
SIOBHÁN
We’re all going to find something resembling a bar, and then you’re going to tell me everything.
THOMAS
Yes. Yes I will...
THE END