Chapter 27: Weird Night at the Sheep’s Eye
THE EMPTY PARKING LOT OF THE HORIZON MOTEL AT NIGHT. CLEMENTINE MATERIALIZES IN THE PARKING LOT.
CLEMENTINE
Frank?...
SHE WALKS INTO THE OFFICE.
CLEMENTINE (CONT’D) Frank?...
WE HEAR STATIC ON THE RADIO.
ZEBULON
There was a particular bend in the river near my home where I would go if I needed to be alone. Is that what this place is for you, Clementine?
CLEMENTINE
... I thought I put you in a box somewhere.
ZEBULON
We are there still.
CLEMENTINE
Then what are you doing in the radio?
ZEBULON
I’m afraid I don’t have an answer for that particular question.
CLEMENTINE
I want your voice out of my head.
ZEBULON
As a man who has been married for many a year, I certainly understand the desire to not hear my voice for a time.
CLEMENTINE
How are you able to do this?
ZEBULON
Again, if you seek answers on that, I will disappoint you. There are many a mystery around my wife’s and my existence, but it’s strangeness does seem to have a certain mode. My wife has a sense of things, she seems to be able to see what’s coming. And myself, well... when I speak things seem to happen.
I seem to have no control over the effect my words may have, but I suppose that’s not much different from anyone else. I suppose we all speak without knowing what will come of our words. Once they leave our lips, we lose any control we’ve had.
CLEMENTINE
Then how about shutting up completely?
ZEBULON
Ah, but I’m afraid being unable to control the interpretation of one’s words does not release one from the obligation to speak. Control what you can control, and leave the rest to God.
CLEMENTINE
Goddamn, no wonder she wants you to shut up.
ZEBULON
Yes, it’s very frustrating.
CLEMENTINE
... Well, say what you need to say, then.
ZEBULON
Release us from the prison you’ve placed us in, Clementine.
CLEMENTINE
No.
CLEMENTINE WALKS OUT. OUT IN THE PARKING LOT WE CAN HEAR HER TELEPORT AWAY.
THE SOUND OF A BUSY BAR AT NIGHT IN A SMALL TOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF A FOREST. CLEMENTINE MATERIALIZES IN THE STREET AND WALKS TOWARD THE BAR THEN HESITATES. THE DOOR SWINGS OPEN.
FRANK
Clementine.
CLEMENTINE
Hey Frank.
FRANK
... How have you been?
CLEMENTINE
Good. I’ve been good. How long has it been?
FRANK
I don’t know, about six months I guess.
CLEMENTINE
Good, that’s what I was thinking.
FRANK
What have you been up to?
CLEMENTINE
Oh, I had some business to take care of.
FRANK
Some business, Clementine?
CLEMENTINE
Yeah, that didn’t sound right did it?
FRANK
It sounds like you were doing something shady, were you doing something shady?
CLEMENTINE
Some things. Is that better? I had some things to take care of so I... I took care of them.
FRANK
Congratulations.
CLEMENTINE
Yeah, I feel... I feel good about it, I think things are coming together... I feel good. And, I don’t know, suddenly I found myself here.
FRANK
You feel like celebrating.
CLEMENTINE
Yeah. Yeah, I think I do. So...
FRANK
So you came here.
CLEMENTINE
What’s going on in there?
FRANK
Brunch.
CLEMENTINE
Brunch.
FRANK
Yes.
CLEMENTINE
Brunch is a combination of breakfast and lunch.
FRANK
It is.
CLEMENTINE
... It’s night time.
FRANK
Yes, it is. BUT. This is the Sheep’s Eye.
CLEMENTINE
I don’t know what that means.
FRANK
The Sheep’s Eye is a bar that prides itself on doing things ass backwards, Clementine.
CLEMENTINE
So they have brunch at night?
FRANK
They do. The owner of the Sheep’s Eye is a man with the most ridiculous name in America. I tell you that because you really need to be prepared before you hear this man’s name. Are you prepared?
CLEMENTINE
I think so.
FRANK
The owner of The Sheep’s Eye Roadhouse is named T.J. Peppercorns.
CLEMENTINE
... That can’t be his real name.
FRANK
It can’t be, you’re right. But he insists it is.
CLEMENTINE
And I thought my name sounded made up.
FRANK
Anyway, TJ does not like being told what to do. Over the years there has been more and more people building ski chalets and upscale cabins up on the mountain. They’ll roll into town on a Sunday and just be flabbergasted that there’s nowhere to have brunch. After about the one thousandth request from one of these fur-lined newcomers, TJ finally said “fine, fine, okay”. And now he has brunch. On Sunday night. When all the people he hates are asleep.
CLEMENTINE
He sounds like quite a guy... So I went by the motel just now, there was nobody there.
FRANK
Yes. We’re having a staff retreat.
CLEMENTINE
A staff... isn’t the staff just you and June?
FRANK
Yes.
THE DOOR SWINGS OPEN.
JUNE
I’m having this cigarette and then I’m coming back in and I’m kicking your ass, I’m kicking your ass, and I’m kicking your ass. Get ready.
FRANK
Hey.
JUNE
I’ve started up a darts tournament inside.
FRANK
Okay.
JUNE
We’ve all bet our pants. I will be going home with three pairs of dude’s jeans tonight.
FRANK
Your pants?
JUNE
I’m going to sling them over my shoulder triumphantly like deer pelts—OH SHIT.
FRANK
Clementine’s here.
CLEMENTINE
Hi, June.
JUNE
It’s you.
CLEMENTINE
It’s me.
JUNE
Carmen motherfucking San Diego.
CLEMENTINE Who?
JUNE
How have you been?
FRANK
Clementine was just telling me that she has just taken care of some business.
JUNE
Well, what a lovely mafia-esque parlance.
FRANK
Indeed.
JUNE
Congratulations on your business.
CLEMENTINE
Thanks.
FRANK
Apparently Clementine feels like celebrating a little bit.
JUNE
She does?
FRANK
Yes.
JUNE
Is she going to mysteriously disappear after?
FRANK
Probably.
CLEMENTINE
C’mon.
JUNE
Clementine, you have definitely come to the right place to celebrate. One problem, you cannot buy cocktails with gold.
FRANK
I mean, it’s central Oregon.
JUNE
Right, who am I kidding, you can totally use gold, they would love that.
CLEMENTINE
I probably shouldn’t drink anything.
JUNE
What?!
FRANK
You shouldn’t have said that.
JUNE
What?!
CLEMENTINE
I shouldn’t.
JUNE
Well then I’m afraid you have stumbled into a bear trap there, Clementine. Because not only do I excel at winning dudes’ pants in dart games, I also excel at irresponsibly pressuring people into drinking.
CLEMENTINE
Oh, God.
JUNE
Let the peer pressure begin. Inside, lady.
CLEMENTINE
Okay, if you say so.
JUNE
I do!
THE SOUND OF THE SHEEP’S EYE FADES IN.
FRANK
So how’s your plan been going?
CLEMENTINE
What do you mean?
FRANK
Last time we talked you had a pretty peculiar plan.
CLEMENTINE
Oh, right.
FRANK
You’re never going to lose anything ever again.
CLEMENTINE Yes.
FRANK
Whatever that means.
CLEMENTINE
Yes. It’s going good. I decided to be proactive. Instead of hanging on to the things I didn’t want to lose, I’m trying to get rid of the the people that could take things away from me.
FRANK
Uh huh. And how do you know who those people are?
CLEMENTINE
Sometimes you just know, y’know?
FRANK
Not really, but it sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought into it so who am I to judge?
CLEMENTINE
I’m not doing anything mean. I promise.
FRANK
I believe you.
CLEMENTINE
I’m trying to... I think when people are trying to take something from you, they really want something else. It’s about something else. So what if you helped them get the thing they actually want?
FRANK
I guess you’d have to be sure you know what they want.
CLEMENTINE
I am. I’m sure.
FRANK
Great, then.
CLEMENTINE
You sound skeptical.
FRANK
Clementine, we’re having maybe the vaguest conversation I’ve ever had in my life, there’s no room for me to be skeptical.
CLEMENTINE
Sorry. I know. It’s good, it’s going good.
FRANK
Great.
JUNE
Dinks drinks drinks.
CLEMENTINE
Oh my god, what are those?
JUNE
Bloody Marys, it’s brunch remember?
CLEMENTINE
Do we drink them or eat them?
FRANK
Much like how brunch is breakfast and lunch, a Bloody Mary is a food and a drink.
CLEMENTINE
There’s a lot of stuff on it.
JUNE
The stuff is optional, the important part is the drink part.
CLEMENTINE
I still don’t know if it’s a great idea for me to drink.
JUNE
It’s a great idea.
CLEMENTINE
If I start acting weird, stop me, okay?
JUNE
You already act weird, Clementine. What’s a little more weirdness?
CLEMENTINE
Like, really weird though.
JUNE
Hey. You showed up at a bar wanting to celebrate your wins, right?
CLEMENTINE Yes.
JUNE
Well then let’s do that, Clementine. It’s victory lap time, right?
CLEMENTINE Okay!
JUNE
Glasses up, party people, cheers.
FRANK
Cheers.
THEIR GLASSES CLINK. THEY PAUSE AS CLEMENTINE DRINKS HER ENTIRE DRINK.
FRANK (CONT’D) Uh...
JUNE
Oh shit.
CLEMENTINE
(Gasping.)
Oh wow!
FRANK
You okay?
CLEMENTINE
That was really spicy.
JUNE
I’ve never seen someone shotgun a Bloody Mary before.
FRANK
Are your insides on fire?
CLEMENTINE
They always are.
JUNE
I feel that.
CLEMENTINE
I hope that wasn’t a terrible mistake.
FRANK
Me too.
JUNE
I think it’s great. Let me ask you this: Are you prepared to bet your pants in a darts competition?
CLEMENTINE
I don’t think I’ve ever played darts before.
JUNE
That’s not a no.
FRANK
June.
JUNE
How about this: one more round and then we decide on pants darts.
CLEMENTINE
O-Okay.
JUNE
Excellent. I’ll be right back.
FRANK
... Don’t let her bully you, okay?
CLEMENTINE
No, I’m not... I feel really good. I’m celebrating, right?
FRANK
Sure.
THE MUSIC IN THE BAR SUDDENLY CUTS OUT. THE BAR PATRONS SHOUT AND BOO.
JUNE
(From the other side of the bar.)
Frank!
FRANK
Goddamnit.
CLEMENTINE
What’s happening?
FRANK
They use this juke box here, it’s so old. It was part of the Louisiana Purchase, it’s so old. Sometimes it breaks down and I have to mess with it. I’ll be right back.
ZEBULON
(From out of the bar’s sound system.)
So, it’s not solitude you seek, but friendship.
CLEMENTINE
(Under her breath.)
Will you leave me alone?
ZEBULON
Considering what we’ve all witnessed, I’m surprised you must ask anything of me.
With a wave of your hand, you could kill us all. That’s what you said, Clementine. So, wave your hand, then.
CLEMENTINE
Annoying me all night isn’t going to get you anything.
ZEBULON
Then I believe I shall stay, if it’s all the same to you.
CLEMENTINE SUDDENLY BOLTS UP FROM HER CHAIR AND GOES OUTSIDE. WE HEAR THE WIND IN THE TREES.
ZEBULON (CONT’D)
... I am, of course, also with you out here.
CLEMENTINE
Do I have to break every speaker in this town?
ZEBULON
You may certainly try, Clementine, but I’ve found with such modern day gadgetry out there, there seems to be a noisemaker in everything, doesn’t there?
CLEMENTINE
I’m not going to let you get in my head!
THUNDER RUMBLES IN THE DISTANCE.
ZEBULON
Am I not already?
CLEMENTINE
... I’m trying to save people, don’t you understand that?
ZEBULON
I do not, Clementine. Because you refuse to explain yourself to us.
CLEMENTINE
I don’t owe you an explanation.
ZEBULON
Do not keep your motivations hidden, then charge the sky with thunder when you are misunderstood.
CLEMENTINE
You’re just looking for something to use against me.
ZEBULON
I am looking for understanding. As a thing that lives and breathes it is my obligation to understand another.
CLEMENTINE
You are not, by any definition, a thing that lives and breathes.
ZEBULON
Nor are you, I suspect.
CLEMENTINE
...
ZEBULON
... Who are you, Clementine? Can you not give me some sense of who you are?
CLEMENTINE
I’d believe your curiosity was genuine if you weren’t just trying to get your friends out of their prison.
THE SPEAKER SNAPS AND THE BAR MUSIC RETURNS.
CLEMENTINE (CONT’D)
That’s more like it.
CLEMENTINE WALKS BACK INTO THE BAR. WE HEAR THE SOUND OF THE RAUCOUS CROWD AT THE SHEEP’S EYE. JUNE ADDRESSES THE CROWD.
JUNE
Once upon a time in ancient Greece, a guy picked up a ball and said “Hey. Try and stop me from getting over there.” And thus the sport of football was born. Today is no different from that day in ancient Greece, as we combine two of life’s great joys: the game of darts, and the thrill of someone losing their pants so that you can see their incredibly poor underwear choices. People of the Sheep’s Eye roadhouse, I give you: Pants Darts.
APPLAUSE.
JUNE (CONT’D)
The rules are simple: the winner keeps their pants. Some would say that it is currently too cold outside to risk one’s pants in a darts game, but they are forgetting our long tradition in this town of ignoring common sense.
LAUGHTER.
JUNE (CONT’D)
Our contestants tonight are: The queen mum of pants darts, Me. Stepping up to the board in this inaugural game: Quolby Jack. Where’s Quolby Jack? There he his. John Pruitt is here tonight. Hello John. John is terrible at darts as we all know. This either means that John is a good sport or he really wants to show us his underwear. D. Fox is playing. That’s unfortunate for us all because if there’s anyone here who is freeballing tonight it is D. Fox. God help us all. Last but not least, the weirdest lady I’ve ever met in my life, which is really saying something in this town, it’s Clementine! Where is Clementine?
CLEMENTINE
(Talking to someone at the bar.)
I don’t understand, why is it called iced tea if there’s no iced tea in it?
JUNE
Clementine, are you ready?
CLEMENTINE
What? Oh. Okay, yeah, I guess.
JUNE
Love the enthusiasm. Okay, one more thing, gambling is wrong and we frown on it. However, CC Rider has fired up some side betting over in the corner. He’s taking bets on what style of underwear we are all wearing. I don’t approve but you degenerates need an outlet, so go nuts. Frank? Last chance, Frank.
FRANK
Absolutely not.
JUNE
Frank is still being a stick in the mud, everyone boo this man.
THE CROWD BOOS.
JUNE (CONT’D)
Frank is the enemy of fun. It’s what we love about him. Okay, let’s get this going. Clementine, we’re starting with you.
CLEMENTINE
We are?
JUNE
Yeah, Clementine you’ve disappeared on us more times than a magician’s assistant, I’m getting you up here before you go POOF again.
CLEMENTINE
Okay. How do I play?
JUNE
It’s darts.
CLEMENTINE
I’ve never played darts before.
JUNE
Not surprising. Okay, take these pointy things.
CLEMENTINE Okay.
JUNE
Throw the pointy things at the big circle. Try to hit the middle.
CLEMENTINE
Okay, seems easy enough.
JUNE
Sure. Okay people, here we go, take it away Clementine!
THERE’S A HUSH OVER THE CROWD.
CLEMENTINE
Why did it get so quiet all of a sudden?
JUNE
It’s a small town, people taking their pants off is big news.
CLEMENTINE
Okay... Okay here I go...
THERE IS A THUD ON THE DART BOARD.
JUNE
Holy Shit, Bullseye!
THE CROWD CHEERS.
CLEMENTINE
Was that good?
JUNE
Fantastic! Do that two more times and you could be the owner of other peoples’ pants.
CLEMENTINE
I really don’t want their pants, though.
JUNE
The point is not for you to have their pants, the point is for them to NOT have their pants.
CLEMENTINE
Okay, whatever. Here I go.
THE CROWD QUIETS DOWN AGAIN. ANOTHER THUD ON THE DART BOARD.
JUNE
Holy shit another bullseye!
THE CROWD IS NOT AS ENTHUSIASTIC THIS TIME.
CLEMENTINE
They don’t seem too happy about that one.
JUNE
Well, a few of them are facing the fact that they might have to take their pants off and then a few others, not gonna lie, are probably a little upset that you’re not going to be taking your pants off tonight.
CLEMENTINE
Oh.
JUNE
It’s okay. They made their bed. Hey, you’re great at darts.
CLEMENTINE
I didn’t even know.
JUNE
Okay, one more and you will be very hard to beat tonight. Think you can get one more bullseye?
CLEMENTINE
I’ll try.
JUNE
Okay, here we go. Quiet pervs!
THE CROWD HUSHES AGAIN.
CLEMENTINE
Okay... one... more... bullseye...
CLEMENTINE THROWS THE DART AND IT VANISHES RIGHT BEFORE IT HITS THE BOARD.
JUNE
Oh shit. You missed the board, Where’d it go? Anybody get hit with a dart?
CLEMENTINE Shit.
JUNE
No? Where’d it go? Everybody look around for the missing dart.
CLEMENTINE
I’m sorry.
JUNE
It’s okay. Hey, there’s like three guys in here with fake legs, can all the fake leg people check their legs for darts?
CLEMENTINE
I’m going to go look over there.
JUNE
Okay.
CLEMENTINE WALKS TO A SECLUDED PART OF THE BAR AND THEN WALKS INTO A SMALL RESTROOM.
CLEMENTINE
Fuck... Keep it together.
ZEBULON
(From the radio in the bathroom.)
Don’t see too many people keeping a radio in the bathroom anymore.
CLEMENTINE
...You’re invading my privacy.
ZEBULON
Which I wouldn’t do were our predicament not so dire, Clementine. Though, someone who invades the past lives of my compatriots and then cries for privacy is perhaps a bit too much for polite conversation to bear.
CLEMENTINE
That’s what we’re doing? Having a polite conversation?
ZEBULON
It’s being attempted, at least.
CLEMENTINE
You can’t have polite conversation when you so obviously have an agenda.
ZEBULON
Clementine, I am from The South. There is no polite conversation without hidden agendas...
CLEMENTINE
...
ZEBULON
... And where are you from?
CLEMENTINE
I’m not doing this.
ZEBULON
I am from Arkansas. Was born in my parents’ bedroom in the year 1895, five years before the century’s turn.
CLEMENTINE
I don’t care.
ZEBULON
My father was a farmer at first, then after a strange turn of events, moved his talents to hog farming. Perhaps a more grim profession, but far more lucrative.
CLEMENTINE
A strange turn of events?
ZEBULON
Indeed. Torrential downfall one year. Unlike anything he’d seen. Good news for a farmer when a wet season proceeds the spring. And yet for some odd reason, his crops that year were poorly and he had hardly anything to take to market. That put him in dire straits. Not one to hesitate, he purchased two dozen hogs with his savings and that was that. “Hogs are hogs despite the rainfall.” He said. Those rains taught him a lesson, though. That a curse can be dressed as a blessing.
CLEMENTINE
What did he grow?
ZEBULON
Pole beans mostly. And sweet peas.
CLEMENTINE
... What the hell are you? I’ve never seen anything like you before. You... just show up in speakers?
ZEBULON
It’s certainly an odd way to exist, but we each take the life we’re given.
CLEMENTINE
And that’s enough for you?
ZEBULON
If I were to travel down the path of solving the mystery of myself, how far down that trail could I go? How far could anyone go? The Lord has given us a great mystery by giving us this existence. Were we meant to unravel it? Perhaps being given this life is more akin to being given a musical instrument as a gift. You learn more, become more skilled as the years go by, but in a lifetime you could never master it.
CLEMENTINE
I can’t believe you think that’s an answer to my question.
ZEBULON
If you’re unsatisfied, just think how I feel. I do not know what I am, Clementine. I have come to think of it as... Imagine shouting your name into a canyon, and then after a moment, your voice comes back to you from the other side of the canyon. But the echo doesn’t stop there, it continues to travel down the canyon, saying your name over and over again. And then, in a strange moment, that echo of your voice somehow finds a voice of its own. It begins life as an echo of another but then comes to grow into a new being entirely, with thoughts and feelings independent of the one who once shouted it into existence in that canyon.
CLEMENTINE
...
ZEBULON
What brings you to this old roadhouse? Are these people your friends?
CLEMENTINE
They... yes, they are.
ZEBULON
Good. Good to have friends.
CLEMENTINE
It is.
ZEBULON
Are we hiding from something in here, Clementine?
CLEMENTINE
The dart disappeared when I threw it. It happens sometimes.
ZEBULON
And that brought you here why?
CLEMENTINE
So that I could concentrate. You’re not helping... The rain made the soil too acidic. That’s what happened to your father. As soon as the rain got to be too much he should’ve switched over to potatoes.
ZEBULON
... You’re a farmer.
CLEMENTINE
... I have no idea what I am.
ZEBULON
As I said, that is a feeling I understand. Tell me more-
CLEMENTINE
Enough.
CLEMENTINE PUNCHES THE RADIO AND DESTROYS IT. ELECTRICITY POPS AND BUZZES.
CLEMENTINE (CONT’D) (Deep breath.) Come on, dart. Come back to me.
SOMETHING MATERIALIZES IN CLEMENTINE’S HAND.
CLEMENTINE (CONT’D)
There... There, okay. We’re fine.
THE DOOR TO THE BATHROOM SWINGS OPEN.
CLEMENTINE (CONT’D) Found it!
JUNE
Okay, call off the search, we found it.
CLEMENTINE
Sorry.
JUNE
Not to worry. Okay dummies. Clementine may have missed her last shot but two bullseyes in a row is very hard to beat. Let’s hear it for Clementine!
THE CROWD CHEERS.
CLEMENTINE
Thanks everyone.
TIME SUDDENLY SHIFTS.
JUNE
That’s unfortunate for us all because if there’s anyone here who is freeballing tonight it is D. Fox.
THE CROWD LAUGHS.
CLEMENTINE Fuck.
JUNE
God help us all. Last but not least, the weirdest lady I’ve ever met in my life, which is really saying something in this town, it’s Clementine! Where is Clementine?
CLEMENTINE Fuck.
JUNE
Clementine?
CLEMENTINE
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
JUNE
Clementine where are you going?
THE DOOR TO THE SHEEP’S EYE SWINGS OPEN. WE HEAR THE FOREST.
CLEMENTINE
You fucking idiot. You fucking idiot what are you doing?
ZEBULON
Clementine, what has just happened?
CLEMENTINE
Shut up. Just shut up.
ZEBULON
... I am fearful of you, Clementine. Before it was due to your immeasurable power, but now even more frightening? I don’t believe that you are able to control this power you wield.
CLEMENTINE
I’m in control!
THUNDER.
ZEBULON
Very well. Your friends seem to be fond of games so let us play our own.
CLEMENTINE
... Fine.
ZEBULON
This evening will go terribly wrong. Despite all this power you have, it will escape your control.
CLEMENTINE
That’s not a game, that’s just you being a pessimist.
ZEBULON
Call it what you like.
CLEMENTINE
None of this is a game to me, I’m trying to save people.
ZEBULON
Then, in the name of God, go back to where you came from and use this power of yours to save them.
CLEMENTINE
I can’t.
ZEBULON
Why?
CLEMENTINE
Because I can’t get back to them!... I can go anywhere. Do anything. Everything but that, I can’t get back to them. I don’t know why. So this is how I save them. This is how it has to be.
THE DOOR TO THE SHEEP’S EYE OPENS.
FRANK
Clementine?
CLEMENTINE
Hey. Hi.
FRANK
Did you just hear some thunder?
CLEMENTINE
Yeah. Yeah, is that weird?
FRANK
Doesn’t happen here a lot. You okay?
CLEMENTINE
Sorry. I felt really trapped in there all of a sudden.
FRANK
No, I get it. It smells in there. There’s a smell.
CLEMENTINE
Told you I shouldn’t be drinking.
FRANK
There’s a very short list of people in the world who should be drinking. None of them are in there. June’s mom is one of them. Also any Lutheran. Hey, you want to help me out?
CLEMENTINE
With what?
FRANK
The ice machine is having a little temper tantrum, we need to go across the street and get some bags of ice.
CLEMENTINE
Okay, sure. Fresh air will be good.
THEY WALK.
FRANK
Yeah, breathe in the mountain air. That’s a stupid term, “mountain air”. Mountain air is thinner and not refreshing at all. Some people rush up here from the city to have a nice relaxing time and end up with altitude lassitude and start vomiting.
CLEMENTINE
So, do I breathe it in or do I not breathe it in?
FRANK
It’s your only option. Though maybe not for you. You did tell me a while back that you caught a hunk of gold as it escaped a star going supernova, so maybe you don’t need oxygen.
CLEMENTINE
Yeah, I did say that didn’t I?
FRANK
Kind of strange being able to handle the void of space but not being able to handle your liquor.
CLEMENTINE
I don’t really understand it either.
FRANK
It makes a certain sense. Superman had kryptonite, Green Lantern had the color yellow, and you have Old Grandad Whiskey.
CLEMENTINE
Can we stay away from things that make me sound insane?
FRANK
Sure.
CLEMENTINE
... That eliminates a lot of things, doesn’t it?
FRANK
It really does.
DOOR CHIME OF A CONVENIENCE STORE. WE HEAR THE HUM OF SEVERAL REFRIGERATORS, MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH A RADIO.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Flat Doug! How’s it going tonight?
CLEMENTINE
... Flat Doug, why do you call him Flat Doug?
FRANK
He was run over by a snow plow.
CLEMENTINE Wow.
FRANK
Twice.
CLEMENTINE
Twice?
FRANK
Yeah, so he’s either a weird blend of lucky and unlucky, or he’s a ghost.
CLEMENTINE
He doesn’t look like a ghost.
FRANK
I don’t know, he has a look about him. Like he’s seen things. Like he’s seen the other side.
CLEMENTINE
He’s definitely seen the other side of a snow plow.
RADIO STATIC.
ZEBULON
(In the radio.)
And now a reading from the book of Luke. And he came to Nazareth, where he had been as a boy; and he went to the synagogue, as his custom was, on the sabbath day. And he stood up to read; and there was given to him the book of the prophet Isaiah. He opened the book and read:
FRANK
What is he listening to?
CLEMENTINE
You can hear that?
FRANK
Has Flat Doug found Jesus?
CLEMENTINE
Getting ready for that third snowplow, I guess.
ZEBULON
"The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim release to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed,
FRANK
Can you grab those two bags?
CLEMENTINE
Yeah. I’ll be out in the parking lot, okay?
FRANK
Sure.
ZEBULON
And he said to them, "Doubtless you will quote to me this proverb, `Physician, heal yourself; what we have heard you did at Caper'na-um, do here also in your own country.'"
DOOR CHIME AS CLEMENTINE EXITS THE STORE INTO THE PARKING LOT.
ZEBULON (CONT’D)
And he said, "Truly, I say to you, no prophet is accepted in his own country.
CLEMENTINE
Stop it!
ZEBULON
I beg your pardon?
CLEMENTINE
Leave me alone!
ZEBULON
If we could’ve left you alone, we would’ve done so long ago, Clementine.
CLEMENTINE
You want to be free so bad, tell your friends to accept the deal. That’s how this ends!
DOOR CHIME.
FRANK
Okay, ready?
CLEMENTINE
Yes. Ready.
THEY WALK.
CLEMENTINE (CONT’D) ... Where am I?
FRANK
You’re walking down the sidewalk..
CLEMENTINE
I mean, what’s this town?
FRANK
Oh, okay. Hood’s Pocket.
CLEMENTINE
That’s a funny name.
FRANK
It’s a funny town. Up there is Mt. Hood. The town sits in just the right place so that it hardly ever gets direct sunlight. It’s in the shadow of the mountain most of the year. Hood’s Pocket.
CLEMENTINE
That’s kind of depressing.
FRANK
It has kept us from being a major tourist destination, which is nice.
CLEMENTINE
... I keep coming back here.
FRANK
Yes, you do.
CLEMENTINE
There was only one place I ever felt safe. This place turned into another one.
FRANK
It’s not a bad place to be. What was the other place?
CLEMENTINE
Jerusalem.
FRANK
Sure. So, Jerusalem and then here?
CLEMENTINE Yeah.
FRANK
(Laughing.)
Okay, great.
CLEMENTINE
God, everything that comes out of my mouth sounds like a crazy lie doesn’t it?
FRANK
Yes. But I mean that in a good way.
CLEMENTINE How?
FRANK
Honestly, there’s a lot of people living here who are... I’m sorry for putting it this way but, they’re full of shit.
CLEMENTINE
Really?
FRANK
Yeah. I was just telling you about TJ Peppercorns. June used to date a guy named Tarvok Stormbringer, you think that was what his parents named him? Ask me what the mayor’s name is?
CLEMENTINE
What’s the Mayor’s name?
FRANK
Sparker.
CLEMENTINE
Sparker?
FRANK
It’s a dog, Clementine. The mayor is a dog.
CLEMENTINE
The... a dog?
FRANK
We had an election and we all decided that the mayor will be a dog named Sparker.
CLEMENTINE How?
FRANK
The town is too small to have a mayor but we felt left out so we had an election.
CLEMENTINE
And you elected Sparker the Dog?
FRANK
Well, everybody knew him so...
CLEMENTINE
Has he been a good mayor?
FRANK
Oh, really great. He’s really cleaning up this town. At least, the parts of town that have food on the floor.
CLEMENTINE
How does he sign bills?
FRANK
Don’t think about it too much, you’ll ruin it. What I’m trying to say is: It’s very entertaining, The Clementine Show. Come on, keep it coming. It’ll feel great. If I think everything you say is a lie then let it rip. What have you got to lose?
CLEMENTINE
Okay. Sure, uh... For a while my entire life revolved around growing and taking care of beets.
FRANK
Really?
CLEMENTINE Yes.
FRANK
Did you live on a farm or something?
CLEMENTINE
Or something.
FRANK
... I feel like that’s one of the more boring ones.
CLEMENTINE
You’re right. Um... One time I met Abraham Lincoln while pretending to be the Ambassador from Luxembourg.
FRANK
There we go. That’s the good stuff.
CLEMENTINE
I did the accent and everything. Watch: “We are a nation created by disagreement. The Belgians, the Germans, the French, they all insist we belong to them. When they are unable to agree we were suddenly left to our own devices. And now I stand before you.”
FRANK
Wow.
CLEMENTINE
Good, right?
FRANK
I’m transported. Where is Luxembourg?
CLEMENTINE
Honestly, I don’t even know. I was winging it. I was calling myself Countess Jacquetta of Luxembourg, then someone told me that she had actually died 400 years ago.
FRANK
Oops. Who was that?
CLEMENTINE
Countess Jacquetta? No idea.
FRANK
No, I mean, someone found you out, who was that?
CLEMENTINE
Oh... uh... Caspar.
FRANK
Who was Caspar?
CLEMENTINE
Just... there were some people who didn’t like what I was doing, they were telling me to stop. He was one of them.
FRANK
Why were they telling you to stop?
CLEMENTINE
They just didn’t get it.
FRANK
We’re getting vague again, Clementine.
CLEMENTINE
... I told you about my plan.
FRANK
To “never lose anything ever again”.
CLEMENTINE Yes.
FRANK
Which is also pretty vague.
CLEMENTINE
There’s more to it than that.
FRANK
I hope so.
CLEMENTINE
They didn’t like it, they said I was... they didn’t like it.
FRANK
They said you were what?
CLEMENTINE
That I was hurting people.
FRANK
Hurting people?
CLEMENTINE
I wasn’t though. I’m not. I don’t want to hurt anyone.
FRANK
... How about we get less vague with this plan of yours.
CLEMENTINE
Don’t worry about it.
FRANK
I’m worried about it.
CLEMENTINE
I’m not hurting anyone, Frank.
FRANK
Clementine, I’ve been pretty understanding of your particular brand of chaos, have I not?
CLEMENTINE
“Understanding”?
FRANK
Yes. You show up randomly and nothing ever makes sense and we roll with it. But now you’re talking about hurting people so I’m going to need you to be more specific.
CLEMENTINE
People just don’t understand. They didn’t understand me.
FRANK
Did you try and make them understand?
CLEMENTINE
What do you mean?
FRANK
Did you explain things to them?
CLEMENTINE
Maybe, I don’t know.
FRANK
Why not?
CLEMENTINE
I don’t know.
FRANK
Some people avoid an argument because they’re afraid of hearing something they don’t want to hear.
CLEMENTINE
Maybe I don’t want to hear it!
FRANK
That’s not very fair to them, Clementine.
CLEMENTINE
Oh Jesus, Frank just go away!
IN A BURST OF ENERGY, FRANK DISAPPEARS. HIS TWO BAGS OF ICE SPILL ACROSS THE SIDEWALK.
CLEMENTINE (CONT’D)
Oh fuck. Oh fuck no no no no no. Frank? Frank where did you go?! Frank?! Shit! It’s okay. It’s okay, breathe. Breathe.
ZEBULON
Clementine.
CLEMENTINE
Shut up!
ZEBULON
Clementine, what have you done?!
CLEMENTINE
SHUT UP!
ZEBULON
You have destroyed this man.
CLEMENTINE
No, I haven’t. No, I haven’t I can fix it!
ZEBULON
Can you not see now, what a danger you are?
CLEMENTINE
No, I’m not!
ZEBULON
This must stop. I have tried to be patient and tried to reach out to you, but first you must stop all of this!
CLEMENTINE
Stop distracting me. I’m going to fix it. (Deep breath.) Time is the substance I am made of. Time is a river that sweeps me along, but I am the river; it is a tiger which destroys me, but I am the tiger; it is a fire which consumes me... but I am the fire.
IN ANOTHER BURST OF ENERGY, FRANK RETURNS.
FRANK
Some people rush up here from the city to have a nice relaxing time and end up with altitude lassitude and start vomiting.
CLEMENTINE SUDDENLY HUGS HIM.
FRANK (CONT’D) Oof! Hey.
CLEMENTINE
Hi Frank.
FRANK
What’s going on?
CLEMENTINE
Nothing. Everything’s fine.
FRANK
Okay... Clementine, what’s going on?
THE DOOR TO THE SHEEP’S EYE OPENS.
JUNE
Well hi there.
CLEMENTINE
Hi, June.
JUNE
Sorry to interrupt, but you’re missing an epic game of pants darts in here.
CLEMENTINE
We got the ice.
FRANK
We... oh, we did.
JUNE
Great, take it around back, leave it by the back door.
CLEMENTINE
Okay. Hey, let’s have another drink.
JUNE
That’s the spirit, get in here lady.
CLEMENTINE
I’ll be right there.
CLEMENTINE WALKS AROUND THE CORNER.
JUNE
Hello there, young man.
FRANK
Hi.
JUNE
What’s all this then, Guvnah?
FRANK
Excuse me?
JUNE
Having a moment are we?
FRANK
June.
JUNE
Having intimate moments in the street?
FRANK
It wasn’t an intimate moment, I was talking about altitude lassitude and she suddenly hugged me.
JUNE
Oh, the old altitude lassitude trick, eh?
FRANK
That’s not a thing.
JUNE
I’ll say this once and then never again.
FRANK
No way that’s possible.
JUNE
You are coming dangerously close to getting water on the mogwai, my friend.
FRANK
No I’m not.
JUNE
Frank. You dummy. She’s already done the tried and true “Hey can I stay here tonight” maneuver. Now there’s sudden hugging in the street.
FRANK
Those are not maneuvers.
JUNE
I invented those maneuvers, they are in the hall of fame, those maneuvers.
FRANK
You’re overreacting.
JUNE
Frank, that woman is a hoot, but she’s an emotional super-fund site. You know this.
FRANK
I do know this.
JUNE
You know this?
FRANK
I know this.
JUNE
We’re agreed, then?
FRANK
We’re agreed, June.
JUNE
Good. Then I adjourn this meeting.
FRANK
Meeting adjourned.
JUNE
(Shouting into the bar.)
Hey! There are people taking off their pants that are not participating in pants darts. Do not muddy the waters!
THE DOOR CLOSES. AFTER A MOMENT CLEMENTINE COMES FROM AROUND THE CORNER.
ZEBULON
It’s clear to me now.
CLEMENTINE
... What’s clear to you now?
ZEBULON
You cannot stop yourself. You will not listen to reason. You will not acknowledge the pain you cause... You must be stopped.
CLEMENTINE
... Fine. Take your best shot. Personally I’m glad we’re past the “listening to reason” phase. Now we can just be good old fashioned enemies. And as your enemy, I will now say this: If I hear your voice come out of a box one more time, I will come there and drag you all kicking and screaming into the life I have designed for you OR I will drag you kicking and screaming into you graves!
CLEMENTINE RIPS THE SPEAKER OFF OF THE SIDE OF THE BUILDING, CRUSHES IT WITH HER BARE HANDS, AND TOSSES IT INTO THE STREET.
CLEMENTINE (CONT’D)
Thanks for the chat.
THE DOOR TO THE ROADHOUSE CLOSES. WE SKIP FORWARD IN TIME AND THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AGAIN. JUNE, CLEMENTINE, AND FRANK SPILL OUT INTO THE STREET. JUNE AND CLEMENTINE ARE DRUNK.
JUNE
I have won all of the pants.
FRANK
Congratulations.
JUNE
I am the Alexander the Great of Pants. I leave in my wake nothing but the pantsless masses. Look upon my work, ye pantsless, and despair.
CLEMENTINE
What do you do with all the pants now that you have won all the pants?
JUNE
I will weave them into a tapestry to commemorate my victory.
CLEMENTINE
Why are you talking funny?
FRANK
Totally makes sense that you dated a blacksmith now.
JUNE
Where is my chariot?
FRANK
I’m parked over there.
JUNE
Oh my God, frank that’s so far away.
FRANK
You’ll be fine.
JUNE
Can you pull your truck around?
FRANK
No.
JUNE
You’re a terrible human being.
FRANK
We’re not getting out of Dodger Stadium, you’ll be fine.
JUNE
But Frank, I am June the Pants-slayer.
FRANK
Show them you’re still a woman of the people by walking a thousand feet to the car.
JUNE
Fine.
CLEMENTINE
Hey, you two... Um... I just wanted to say... Thanks for letting me hang out with you tonight, I had a really great time. I kind of forgot what having a great time was like.
JUNE
Aw. Of course, you big weirdo. Anytime.
FRANK
Are you staying at the horizon tonight, Clementine?
JUNE
Ooh, let’s all stay there tonight. Sleepover!
CLEMENTINE Sure.
FRANK
Okay, same room as last time.
CLEMENTINE Okay.
JUNE
You know what, Clementine? You should stay for a while. Hang out, put down some roots. Enough of this Lady Vanishes bullshit. I think you’d like it here.
CLEMENTINE
I do like it here.
JUNE
I know you think you’re too weird, but everybody who lives here is weird. Did Frank tell you about the dog mayor?
CLEMENTINE Yes.
JUNE
Our mayor is a dog. So you’re fine.
CLEMENTINE
It’s tempting.
FRANK
(Walking away.)
Let’s go.
JUNE
Look, just try and imagine a universe where you live here. That’s all. You’d be surprised.
FRANK
(Further away.)
Let’s go!
JUNE
Relax!
CLEMENTINE
... I’d be surprised... (Deep breath.) Time is the substance I am made of.
Time is a river that sweeps me along, but I am the river; it is a tiger which destroys me, but I am the tiger; it is a fire which consumes me... but I am the fire.
CLEMENTINE QUICKLY SKIPS THROUGH MULTIPLE TIMELINES LIKE SHE’S JUST PULLED DOWN THE ARM OF A SLOT MACHINE. SUDDENLY IT ALL STOPS. IT IS NOW DAYTIME AND THE BIRDS ARE SINGING. THE DOOR TO THE SHEEP’S EYE OPENS.
JUNE
It’s done!
CLEMENTINE Hey.
JUNE
The papers are signed!
CLEMENTINE
What papers?
JUNE
What do you mean what papers?
CLEMENTINE
Sorry I... I forgot what we were doing here.
JUNE
Clementine. Today is the day I sign the papers. I am now the owner of the Sheep’s Eye Roadhouse.
CLEMENTINE
Oh my God.
JUNE
What did you think we were doing here?
CLEMENTINE
Sorry, I forgot, I uh... I thought it was tomorrow.
JUNE
Today, Clementine! I am now a business owner! Congratulate me!
CLEMENTINE
Congratulations!
JUNE
You’re such a space cadet.
CLEMENTINE
I know, I’m sorry.
JUNE
Where’s Frank? Is he still at our place?
CLEMENTINE
Our place?
JUNE
What is wrong with you today? He was over at our place fixing the washing machine.
CLEMENTINE
Oh, um. I haven’t seen him yet.
JUNE
He said he was going to text you.
CLEMENTINE
He did?
JUNE
Check your phone.
CLEMENTINE
My phone... oh... it’s right here. It’s my phone... There’s a text from him, it says he’s on his way.
JUNE
Great. I’m excited about this next part.
CLEMENTINE
What’s the next part?
JUNE
Anytime you start a business in town you go to the butcher and buy a beef bone, you then offer the beef bone to our dog mayor as a gesture of good will.
CLEMENTINE
You’re going to bribe the dog mayor?
JUNE
That’s life in the big city, Clementine.
FRANK
Is the deal done? Has it happened?
JUNE
It’s happened. I am the new TJ Peppercorns.
FRANK
Oh, you have to take the name too, like The Dread Pirate Roberts?
JUNE
Please call me Baroness Peppercorns.
CLEMENTINE
I can’t believe you own the Sheep’s Eye now.
FRANK
It’s a very ill-advised move but no more ill-advised than me taking over The Horizon.
JUNE
It’s a town full of bad choices, I was feeling left out.
FRANK
We’ve got the Motel and the Roadhouse, now Clementine needs to buy something.
JUNE
That’s true, Clementine, what local business are you going to buy now?
CLEMENTINE
Oh, um, let’s see... What is that one? Trinket Coralee’s New Moon Emporium?
JUNE
Bold.
FRANK
Going after the local mystic, you might get cursed for that.
JUNE
That’s a problem easily solved by a witch trial. I saw Trinket Coralee speaking with the devil!
CLEMENTINE
This is... This is good, I like it here.
FRANK
Sure.
JUNE
So do we, Clementine.
CLEMENTINE
So we’re celebrating right? Off to the butcher?
JUNE
Yes!
CLEMENTINE’S PHONE STARTS RINGING.
FRANK
Remind me to get some ribs while we’re there.
JUNE
Clementine, your phone.
CLEMENTINE
Oh, that’s me. Okay... Let’s see who it-...
JUNE
Who is it?
FRANK
Clementine?
CLEMENTINE
It’s... It’s my... it says “Mom”.
JUNE
Oh, right, she’s coming for a visit, right?
CLEMENTINE
She’s what?
FRANK
For her birthday, right?
CLEMENTINE
Her... No.
JUNE
What?
CLEMENTINE
I... I can’t, I can’t do it.
FRANK
C’mon we love your mom.
JUNE
Pick up the phone.
CLEMENTINE
I can’t!
CLEMENTINE SPINS BACK THROUGH REALITIES, LANDING BACK WHERE SHE STARTED A FEW MINUTES AGO. IT’S NIGHT TIME AND WE HEAR THE WIND IN THE TREES.
JUNE
(Far away.)
Clementine, let’s go!
CLEMENTINE
I can’t... I can’t leave you out there... I won’t...
THE SPEAKER THAT WAS CRUSHED BY CLEMENTINE BEGINS TO POP AND HISS WITH ELECTRICITY. THEN SUDDENLY...
ZEBULON
Greetings to all who can hear my voice. Let the chimes of freedom ring through the the halls of every home. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
CLEMENTINE
Goddamnit.
EFFIE
Hey Clementine! Ppppppppppppppppppppppppppt.
CLEMENTINE
GODDAMNIT!
CLEMENTINE VANISHES.
THE END