Chapter 25: Your Mom
THE SOUND OF GLORIA SCRUBBING THE GRILL.
CASPAR
Hey.
GLORIA
Hey.
CASPAR
... You want me to do that?
GLORIA
No, I need to do it.
CASPAR
... So Leif and Ava are still upstairs.
GLORIA
Yeah.
CASPAR
... What do you think they’re talking about?
GLORIA
Even if we knew what they were talking about we wouldn’t know what they were talking about.
CASPAR
True.
GLORIA
I sent them up there with the radio. I told them not to talk to me until the Mucklewains can understand what they’re talking about. They’re going to be a while.
CASPAR
Not a bad idea... So I was gone when you declared war on an intergalactic empire.
GLORIA
We missed you.
CASPAR
I get the feeling that when you made that decision, you acted a little like this.
GLORIA
Like what?
CASPAR
Focused. Focused Gloria.
GLORIA
Yeah, sure.
CASPAR
And now you’ve decided we’re going after Clementine and you’re very grill focused.
GLORIA
Ava has a booth, Leif has a roof, I have a grill. What do you have?
CASPAR
I mean, I keep trying to talk to you about a pinball machine.
GLORIA
Find something else.
CASPAR
Ski ball?
GLORIA
Caspar.
CASPAR
Are you sure this is the right move?
GLORIA
Look, that asteroid yesterday? It may not have even been there until she talked to two people a a bar about asteroids. She got the word “asteroid” in her head, and then accidentally made one. Somebody’s got to do something and there’s nobody else who can. What do you want me to do? Call Jean Claude Van Damme Time Cop?
CASPAR
I’m not saying you should call Jean Claude Van Damme Time Cop, I’m asking if we should be going after this woman without knowing exactly what she’s capable of. According to Ava she made two universes collide.
GLORIA
Well maybe that’s easier than it sounds.
THE BACKDOOR SWINGS OPEN.
LEIF
You’re out of your mind.
AVA
YOU’RE out of YOU’RE mind.
LEIF
Gloria, she’s out of her mind.
GLORIA
Hang on, hang on. Am I going to understand this?
AVA
The Mucklewains can officially understand what we’re talking about.
ZEBULON
We can.
EFFIE
And we hate it.
AVA
You did not say the Mucklewains needed to like it, you said they needed to understand it.
GLORIA
Okay, fine. Let’s hear it.
LEIF
She wants to make wind chimes.
GLORIA
What?
LEIF
You remember our friends The Teds. Remember how they trapped us using a very dangerous experiment with Time Crystals?
GLORIA
Yes.
LEIF
Ava wants to do the same thing.
AVA
There’s some kind of relationship between Clementine and the damage to the fabric of space time that we’ve been seeing. I don’t know what it is, though.
CASPAR
By the way, can we come up with a term for the damage to the fabric of space time? I feel like there should be a term for it.
AVA
We’ve seen the diner be able to fix the damage. The shopzies were all trapped inside the diner and they were fixed.
GLORIA
We’re not calling them that.
CASPAR
But yesterday I pulled a whole bunch of the meteor people in here and they were still seeing the meteor.
AVA
Right. Because in that situation you would have to put literally every person on Earth in the diner for the diner to heal the damage to the fabric of space time.
CASPAR
Is that true?
AVA
Who knows? ANYWAY. Theoretically if we can keep Clementine here for a while, we may be able to throw water on the witch, if you know what I mean.
GLORIA
She can vanish any time she wants, she’s a little hard to keep here.
LEIF
Can you see where she’s going with this?
AVA
We zip around through space and time as well. And what did the Teds do to us?
GLORIA
Trapped us in three galaxies.
AVA
Right!
GLORIA
You want to trap her in three galaxies?
AVA
No, I want to trap her here.
CASPAR
Wow, I really hate this idea.
GLORIA
The thing The Teds built was huge. We can’t build something like that.
AVA
We wouldn’t need to. I suspect the Teds’ wind chimes were so big because of scale. They needed to cast a wide net. We don’t need to cast a wide net, we just need her to stay either in here or in the parking lot long enough for the diner to zap her.
CASPAR
Then what? You put her on a slab and dissect her?
AVA
Preferably.
GLORIA
So, what is the problem with this plan?
ZEBULON
Well, firstly we would be using the tools of our enemy to do our good work.
EFFIE
And another, I don’t want this woman within 5 miles of these front doors.
LEIF
And my thing is, it’s impossible to make and also incredibly dangerous.
AVA
It’s not impossible to make.
GLORIA
Is it incredibly dangerous?
AVA
It may be incredibly dangerous but it’s not hard to make.
LEIF
Oh really? Because before we make a time crystal we’re going to have to make a quantum computer FROM SCRATCH.
AVA
Putting photons in a superposition is not hard.
LEIF
No, it’s not hard. Producing entanglement is hard.
AVA
I’m hearing a lot of “can’t” from you.
LEIF
Single photon emitter, beam splitter, camera detector, KLM protocol, you want me to keep going?
AVA
Eye of newt?
LEIF
Also NMR isn’t going to do it so you’re going to have to trap ions. Are you going to fabricate components and make a dedicated dilution refrigerator? Are you going to put everything in a vacuum chamber to contain the noise?
AVA
Will you be inside the vacuum chamber?
LEIF
Oh, and, by the way, everything will have to be kept just slightly above absolute zero so it’ll need comprehensive environmental controls.
AVA
I think you need comprehensive environmental controls.
GLORIA
Well, it’s a shame you can’t do it, Leif.
LEIF
No reverse psychology!... Of course I can do it. But if I’m just salvaging from whatever Earth we land on, it’s going to take a while before I have everything we need. This is a long list.
GLORIA
Well, it’s the only option we have right now so work as fast as you can.
LEIF
...Fine. Just one final warning. Working with time crystals, like we’re about to, it’s banned in The Triad for a reason. Experiments like this once turned an entire planet into a black hole. I’m sure we don’t want an artificially created black hole to suddenly spring up in the diner.
AVA
I mean...
LEIF
I’m sure most of us don’t want an artificially created black hole to suddenly spring up in the diner.
GLORIA
Again, it’s the only option we have. If you come up with something else, let me know. Effie, where are we going?
EFFIE
I detect a great gateway, Gloria. And great beginnings.
LEIF
Here comes the boom.
THE DINER SETS DOWN ON SOLID GROUND AND WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A BIG MUSICAL THUD COMING FROM THE FRONT OF THE DINER.
LEIF (CONT’D)
What was that?
GLORIA
Did that come from the front?
LEIF
Uh... Come out here.
GLORIA
What is it?
CASPAR
What the hell?
LEIF
How...
ZEBULON
Leif, that appears to be a piano in the middle of the dining room.
LEIF
Yeah.
GLORIA
Where did it come from?
LEIF
I have no idea.
EFFIE
Y’all are we going to have to start looking out for pianos falling on us now?
ZEBULON
Are we not enduring enough?
GLORIA
Caspar?
CASPAR
I had to endure all sorts of things through the years but there was never a sudden piano.
GLORIA
Huh.
LEIF
Huh.
CASPAR
Hmm.
GLORIA
Well, can anyone play the piano?
CASPAR
Ava can.
GLORIA
Really?
AVA
What?
CASPAR
You can.
AVA
How did you know that?
CASPAR
You told me.
AVA
When?
CASPAR
I don’t know.
LEIF
When did you learn to play the piano?
AVA
When I was a kid.
LEIF
Oh, so you can play Jingle Bells or whatever.
AVA
No, I can play more than that.
LEIF
How much can you play?
AVA
I feel uncomfortable.
CASPAR
Why?
AVA
I don’t know. Why did I tell you that?
CASPAR
I don’t know.
EFFIE
Ava, I had no idea you were a musician, that’s awful nice.
AVA
I’m not. I’m not a musician. I can play the piano, okay?
CASPAR
Why is this making you so uncomfortable?
AVA
Because everyone’s looking at me and not looking at the sudden piano. Isn’t the sudden piano weirder than me being able to play it?
GLORIA
... No.
LEIF
You being able to play the piano is somehow weirder that one appearing out of thin air.
AVA
I think that just makes you the weird one.
LEIF
No, it’s still you.
GLORIA
Okay, whatever. There’s a piano here. Okay.
LEIF
Play something on the piano.
AVA
No.
LEIF
C’mon.
AVA
Don’t say c’mon to me.
GLORIA
What kind of piano player were you?
AVA
There are kinds?
GLORIA
Yeah, like, Jazz or were you one of those genius kids you played the moonlight sonata when the were 4?
AVA
I took piano lessons, I play the piano, can we stop talking about it?
LEIF
Just play a short thing.
ZEBULON
I would love to hear Ava play the piano.
EFFIE
I would too dear, if only because it appears to upset her very much.
AVA
I’m not playing the piano.
LEIF
C’mon.
AVA
Stop.
CASPAR
I don’t think this is going to stop until you play something.
GLORIA
How else are we really going to know?
CASPAR
Do you know any Warren Zevon?
AVA
Jesus fucking-, here, fine. Fine.
AVA SLAMS OPEN THE COVER OF THE PIANO, PLAYS THE FASTEST 16 BARS OF PIANO MUSIC EVER HEARD, THEN SLAMS THE COVER BACK DOWN AGAIN.
LEIF
Wow!
AVA
I’m having a cigarette.
DOOR CHIME.
EFFIE
Well that was quite a performance.
GLORIA
Why does she hate knowing how to play the piano?
ZEBULON
I wish I could play the piano.
LEIF
Me too, what’s going on?
GLORIA
We should ask her...
LEIF
...
EFFIE
...
CASPAR
What? Oh. That’s my job?
GLORIA
Yes.
CASPAR
Why is it my job?
GLORIA
Because you’re the guy in the self-defense class who puts on the puffy suit and people beat the crap out of.
CASPAR
Am I?
GLORIA
Yes.
LEIF
Put on a helmet and pads and get in there.
CASPAR
Okay fine.
DOOR CHIME. WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A LARGE CITY.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Hello. How are things out here?... Any idea where we are?... You know what’s funny? Here we are, the sun is setting, and we show up in places at all times of day but we say “we open at 6”. Which we hardly ever do, so I don’t know where that came from. Then I remember I was here for about a lifetime before you showed up so... probably me?... Ava what’s wrong, why did you get mad at a sudden piano?... Okay... Oh hey, that’s the Gateway Arch, we’re in St. Louis... Oh, we’re in St. Louis... Where you are from.
AVA
Stop knowing things about me.
CASPAR
Ava, you’ve been here a few years now, I’m going to know things about you.
AVA
Take the things you know about me out of your head.
CASPAR
Look, if I could take the things I know out of my head, where you were born and your piano skills are low on the list.
AVA
What else do you know about me?
CASPAR
I don’t know. That’s not how brains work.
AVA
It’s how mine works.
CASPAR
I mean real brains though, ones that aren’t fueled by coffee, cigarettes, and pure darkness.
AVA
... Stop knowing things about me.
CASPAR
You know things about me. Do you want to know more things about me? I like birds.
AVA
... I just... I hate so much that I know that about you now.
CASPAR
I have assigned a bird to everyone in the diner, would you like to know what your bird is?
AVA
I’d rather have my organs removed... what year do you think it is?
WE HEAR GROUPS OF PEOPLE TALKING AS THEY WALK INTO THE DINER.
CASPAR
How would I know? Hi there, folks. Welcome to Midnight Burger... Wow, influx of customers all of a sudden... I’m going to say late seventies judging by the clothes people are wearing.
AVA
Hm...
CASPAR
Weird being back home?
AVA
I doubt it’s back home.
CASPAR
Okay... Okay well this has been fun. I love it when we talk. I’ll be inside.
DOOR CHIME. THE SOUND OF THE DINER FILLING UP WITH PEOPLE.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Hey, lot of people all of a sudden.
LEIF
Yeah, have you got this? I’ve got a ton of work to do now that we’ve decided to make this ill-advised attempt at capturing Clementine.
CASPAR
Yeah, should be fine.
LEIF
Thanks.
CASPAR
... Uh, Mucklewains it’s looking like Saint Louis in the mid 70s, I don’t know how they’re going to react to The Hour of Power but hey you never-
RADIO STATIC CRACKLES FROM THE RADIO.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Oh, jeez.
ZEBULON
It is six-o-five in the PM here in lovely Saint Louis, it’s Friday night and the feeling is right and we want to make sure that you’ve got the sound you need to keep the party going until the break of dawn. This is the Disco Funkslinger and I’m ready to get funked up with you. Up next is OTE with “Sea Lion.”
CASPAR
Who?
SONG: OTE, SEA LION.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Okay, whatever.
CASPAR WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN.
CASPAR (CONT’D) Hey.
GLORIA
Hey.
CASPAR
Leif is on the roof, Ava’s being weird, and I think the Mucklewains have turned into some sort of 70’s disc jockey situation.
GLORIA
Okay. Kind of a big crowd.
CASPAR
It’s weird, right?
GLORIA
It’s nice. I’d like to do some normal restaurant shit for a second.
CASPAR
Me too, honestly. Not that I’ve ever done that but I’d love to see what it’s like.
GLORIA
Well go on, get me some orders.
CASPAR
Here I go.
CASPAR WALKS INTO THE DINING ROOM.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Hey there, welcome to Midnight Burger, what can I get you?
MILLY
I’m actually waiting for someone.
CASPAR
That’s fine. You want to wait?
MILLY
I... Don’t know if they’re coming.
CASPAR
Okay. That sounds...
MILLY
What?
CASPAR
...Nothing. Um... How about this, order some food. The food’s good here. If they don’t show at least you had some food.
MILLY
Okay. Um... Is it weird to have breakfast at night?
CASPAR
It’s five AM somewhere.
MILLY
Great. Okay uh. Pancakes.
CASPAR
Side of strawberry jam?
MILLY
Yes. How did you know?
CASPAR
Lucky guess. I’ll bring it right out.
RADIO CRACKLES AGAIN.
EFFIE
Saint Louis, this is Saren Farbeyondthestars and I am sending out all the love I’ve got tonight. It is Friday I hope you’re headed out, and hey if you’re not headed out that’s fine too, nothing wrong with a night in, watching a little WKRP, why not? In fact, I’m going to start with everyone not going out tonight, I’m going to send this one out to you. Here is Tellsonic with “Rain on a Sunny Day.”
CASPAR
Never heard of ‘em... Hey. Pancakes for table 12. Side of strawberry jam.
GLORIA
What’s that about?
CASPAR
She likes jam in between two pancakes and syrup on the top.
GLORIA
Okay I kind of get that... What else?
CASPAR
It’s my mom... My mom is here.
GLORIA
Shut up.
CASPAR
Yeah.
GLORIA
Let me see... Well look at that, it’s your nose.
CASPAR
There’s my nose.
GLORIA
Did she live in Saint Louis?
CASPAR
No, I don’t know what she’s doing here. Although Effie and Zebulon are playing “the hits” and it’s music that never existed so I think we’re somewhere to the left of our home dimension.
GLORIA
Are you born yet?
CASPAR
I would be. Odds are I’m at a neighbor’s place or something.
GLORIA
Where’s dad?
CASPAR
Never knew him.
GLORIA
Ah. Sorry.
CASPAR
It’s fine. I mean, look at me, I turned out fine, right?
GLORIA
No.
CASPAR
No, I did not. Though I doubt him being around would’ve changed things.
GLORIA
So she’s just here by herself?
CASPAR
She’s meeting somebody.
GLORIA
Oh God, are you going to have to watch your mom go on a date?
CASPAR
Maybe.
GLORIA
I really hope he has a butterfly collar and feathered hair.
CASPAR
I’d bet against that if I were you.
DOOR CHIME.
MILLY
Maggie, over here.
CASPAR
Heh... Here we go. I’ll be right back.
GLORIA
Caspar, are you okay?
CASPAR
Yeah... It’s good to see them.
GLORIA
Them?
RADIO BUZZES AGAIN.
ZEBULON
Y’all we’re having some technical difficulties here at the studio but the Funkslinger is back! Let’s get the party back on, here’s Chantrelle with “Carnaby Street.”
CASPAR
Nobody has heard of these people... Hey there you two. I’ve got one order of pancakes in the hopper, what can I get for you?
MAGGIE
Breakfast at night again, huh?
MILLY
Can’t help it. Hey, can you guess her order, too?
CASPAR
I’ll give it a shot. Hash browns with fried eggs over the top and a ham steak. Tabasco sauce on the side.
MAGGIE
That’s amazing.
CASPAR
Well, you do this long enough you get to know a thing or two.
MAGGIE
How long have you been doing it?
CASPAR
173 years. I’ll get that right out to you...
RADIO BUZZES AGAIN.
EFFIE
And we are back again.
CASPAR
Y’all, pick a lane.
EFFIE
We’re sorry for the technical difficulties everyone, it’s all part of the business of live radio, what are you going to do? Maybe there’s something out there in the air? Radio is mysterious, it can pick up on all sorts of things.
Once again this is Saren Farbeyondthesatrs and let’s try and smooth it all out with a little Guy Trevino and Friends, shall we?
SONG: “DANDELIONS” BY GUY TREVINO AND FRIENDS.
CASPAR
Ah, yes. This old classic. Can’t get enough of it... Okay, Hash browns, fried eggs on top with a ham steak.
GLORIA
Night breakfast people, I love it. Who’s your mom’s friend?
CASPAR
... That is my mom.
GLORIA
... No.
CASPAR
... Yes.
GLORIA
... Really?
CASPAR
... Yes.
GLORIA
Caspar has two mommies.
CASPAR
Caspar has two mommies.
GLORIA
God, everything I learn about you is just perfect.
CASPAR
Why is that perfect?
GLORIA
I don’t know. I just imagine them being pretty great but also driving you really crazy.
CASPAR
They are pretty great and, yes, they did drive me absolutely fucking bananas.
GLORIA
You should go hang out with them.
CASPAR
Eh, I don’t know. To hear her tell it, it was pretty rocky when they first started out. They might be meeting in neutral territory so they can argue about things.
GLORIA
I can’t believe your parents are here.
CASPAR
I know, right?
GLORIA
This is good. You should enjoy this.
CASPAR
Well, we both know how good I am at that.
GLORIA
Seriously, though.
CASPAR
Is Ava still out in the parking lot?
GLORIA
Yeah, what’s her problem?
CASPAR
She’s from Saint Louis. She may not be having the same trip down memory lane that I am. I’ll go check on her.
GLORIA
Take some orders on your way, please.
OUTSIDE. AVA IS SMOKING.
CASPAR
Hey... Ava?
AVA
What?
CASPAR
What’s going on?
AVA
Nothing.
CASPAR
There’s about nine cigarette butts at your feet right now.
AVA
Who died and made you Surgeon General?
CASPAR
I came out here to check on you because you’re being weird. You’re being weird and Effie and Zebulon are being weird.
AVA
What are they doing?
CASPAR
They’re acting like two 1970s disc jockeys.
AVA
They’re probably just adapting to the environment.
CASPAR
But it’s weird, it’s two different broadcasts and they’re fighting for position in the radio.
AVA
Huh.
CASPAR
Yes, “huh,” Ava... Also my mom is here.
AVA
Your mom is here?
CASPAR
Yes. Both of them. Both of my moms are here.
AVA
Really?
CASPAR
Yes.
AVA
You have two moms?
CASPAR
I do.
AVA
Huh... That makes sense.
CASPAR
... Okay see what I’m doing is being forthcoming and what would be great is if you did the same.
AVA
I’ve got a lot on my mind, Caspar, I don’t give a shit about whose Mom shows up.
BILLIE
Hey, can I bum a cigarette?
AVA
...
CASPAR
Ava?
BILLIE
What’s the problem?
AVA
...
BILLIE
Why is she just staring at me?
CASPAR
Here, here, give me one. Here you go, here’s a cigarette.
BILLIE
Thank you. Do you know who the manager is?
CASPAR
Yeah, it’s Gloria she’s in the kitchen. She’s kind of busy though. I work here, is there something I can help you with?
BILLIE
Well, I’m performing here tonight.
AVA
WHAT.
CASPAR
... Ava?
BILLIE
...And I can’t find my piano player so I thought I would give her a heads up.
CASPAR
Oh yes, I’m sure she’d love to hear that entire story. She’s all the way in the back.
BILLIE
Thanks. Thanks for the cigarette, weirdo.
CASPAR
... So.
AVA
Shhhhhh.
CASPAR
... Ava?
AVA
Be very quiet.
CASPAR
Why?
AVA
Because... Because that... was my mother.
CASPAR
Your mother.
AVA
Yes.
CASPAR
... How-
AVA
Shhhhhhhhhhh.
CASPAR
My moms and your mom are here at the same time, that’s nuts.
AVA
Shh.
CASPAR
What are we supposed to do with this information?
AVA
Sh.
CASPAR
I guess it makes more sense than my moms, at least you’re from here.
AVA
Caspar, I am trying to figure out how I can very quickly drink all of the alcohol in Saint Louis right now, I need you to shhhhhhhh.
CASPAR
... Well I guess we know why the piano’s here.
AVA
How mad do you think Gloria would be if I chopped up the piano and set it on fire in the parking lot?
CASPAR
On a scale of one to ten or-
AVA
How can I make this not be happening?
CASPAR
Ava, this is kind of minor leagues compared to the usual stuff we deal with isn’t it?
AVA
How dare you use a sports analogy with me.
CASPAR
She seems fine. She seems a little mean. She does not seem like a mother, there’s no mom energy and I’m an expert because I have two of them.
AVA
... I may spend the rest of the night in the parking lot.
CASPAR
You realize of course that that’s ridiculous.
AVA
You realize of course that I am the one who decides what’s ridiculous.
CASPAR
Fine. Have a wonderful night in the parking lot.
AVA
I will.
CASPAR
Would you like me to bring you a club sandwich or something?
AVA
... Yes, bring me a club sandwich.
CASPAR
Fine.
DOOR CHIME.
MAGGIE
-Listen, this is how I live my life. This is how I have to live my life, it doesn’t work for me any other way-
CASPAR
No, no, no. Stop making demands on people that they live by your rules, there needs to be some compromise-
MAGGIE
I’m saying, when I was ten-
CASPAR
No, don’t use the story from when you were ten, you always use that as your trump card, you need to listen more, not everybody has to live their life the way you do just because your dad was an asshole about the softball team when you were ten, okay?... Who needs coffee? More coffee? Be right back.
ZEBULON
Holy heck y’all, the Funkslinger is having a dickens of a time making the airwaves work for me today... I wonder if something’s not right out there? Could it be there’s something not so funky in the airwaves? How about y’all give us a call at 555-5555 and let us know you can hear us.
CASPAR
Better write that number down, don’t want to forget.
BILLIE
Look, I don’t know what to tell you, I’ve been trying to get a hold of him all day but guess what? Barbara fucking Mandrell is in town and when these big acts come through town they have a tendency to fuck up my life because they soak up all the local talent and now I’m sitting here at a club I’ve never heard of without my piano player. So I’m doing what I can but it’s getting harder and harder for me to perform here tonight.
GLORIA
I’m sorry you’re what?
BILLIE
I’m Billie Maddox, I’m performing here. Tonight. You’ve got to be kidding me.
GLORIA
Oh. Piano. Right. We have a piano now and you’re performing here tonight.
BILLIE
Why do I know more about this than you do? You’re the manager, right?
GLORIA
Yes, I am. Okay-
BILLIE
Also, where is your PA system?
GLORIA
PA system.
BILLIE
A microphone. Some speakers. What is happening?
GLORIA
Uhhh.
BILLIE
Who is your sound man?
GLORIA
Sound man. Hey. We have a sound man, holy shit do we have a sound man.
BILLIE
Great, where is he?
GLORIA
He’ll be right with you, I promise. Why don’t you have a seat and Caspar will bring you some coffee and we’ll have the sound man come and talk to you.
BILLIE
Okay. Do you have a phone I can use?
GLORIA
It’s under the counter.
BILLIE
Great.
GLORIA
... Someone’s performing here tonight, isn’t that cool?
CASPAR
Yeah, listen-
GLORIA
We’re a nightclub. Maybe someone will get gunned down with a tommy gun or something.
CASPAR
Gloria, listen, that’s Ava’s mom.
GLORIA
... Get the fuck out of here.
CASPAR
It is. This is why Ava is standing in a pile of cigarette butts in the parking lot. She haaaaAAAAAaaaates her mom.
GLORIA
Wow.
CASPAR
And now her mom is here and well...
GLORIA
This is fantastic news.
CASPAR
I know what you’re thinking. The schadenfreude is strong but let’s try and be kind in this moment.
GLORIA
I’m going to try very hard to be sensitive toward Ava in this difficult time.
CASPAR
Great.
GLORIA
And I am going to fail.
CASPAR
Great.
GLORIA
Food’s up for your moms.
CASPAR
Okay. Oh, can you make a club sandwich for Ava?
GLORIA
You’re bringing her a sandwich out there?
CASPAR
Yeah. What?
GLORIA
Nothing.
BACK DOOR OPENS.
LEIF
Gloria, real quick, how would you feel about a very controlled nuclear explosion 500 feet above the diner?
GLORIA
Sure whatever, listen, Ava’s mom is here and she’s performing here tonight.
LEIF
Seriously?
GLORIA
That must be why we have a piano.
LEIF
Like, Ava’s mom pre-Ava?
GLORIA
Yes.
LEIF
That’s crazy.
CASPAR
Also my moms are here pre-me. They are not performing here though, they do a karaoke rendition of Islands in the Stream that is just impossible to endure.
LEIF
Shit, the moms are here?
GLORIA
You knew about the moms?
LEIF
Yeah I knew about the moms, you didn’t know about the moms?
GLORIA
How do we work together and not know each other?
LEIF
We all have problems sharing.
CASPAR
That’s true, we do, it’s not just me!
LEIF
Also it’s hard to fight for your life against an intergalactic empire and then have some nice chit chat.
CASPAR
Also that.
GLORIA
Fine. So can you build a PA system real quick for Ava’s mom?
LEIF
Sure.
GLORIA
Okay, she’s over there, go talk to her. Also, bonus points if you can try and become Ava’s father tonight, know what I mean?
CASPAR
That is not at ALL being sensitive.
GLORIA
Oh shut up Mr. I’ll-Bring-You-a-Sandwich. Go feed your moms.
BILLIE
Robbie you told me you were available tonight you little shit, you’re really going to screw me for that fur-lined Stepford Wife?... Don’t-... Oh don’t give me that crap, there are a million piano players in town and the only thing any of them have are their word, Robbie. And you don’t have that anymore because you’re supposed to be here tonight but instead you’re over there. So, do me a favor, the next time you need to be bailed out of jail, and trust me there will be many many more times, go ahead and give Barbara Mandrell a call and see how that works out for you.
SHE SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN.
BILLIE (CONT’D) Shit head.
LEIF
Really seeing the resemblance.
BILLIE
Who are you?
LEIF
I’m Leif, I’m the sound man.
BILLIE
Great. Where’s the sound, sound man?
LEIF
What are you looking for?
BILLIE
A microphone, to start with.
LEIF
Sure, I can do that. I’m thinking 15 to 80 kilohertz response range. A thousand watts of class D power. 120 horizontal coverage, 40 degrees vertical.
BILLIE
Well, be still my heart. You can just whip that up?
LEIF
You’d be surprised at the amount of things I can whip up.
BILLIE
Well how about I unfurl my golden locks down to the ground so you can climb up the tower prince charming?
LEIF
You’re very mean. It’s making me uncomfortable.
BILLIE
Now all I need is a piano player.
LEIF
Good luck with that.
BILLIE
I’m going to go bum another cigarette off that weird girl in the parking lot.
LEIF
She’d love that.
CASPAR
Look this is hard stuff. She’s a single mom, you’re a workaholic, not to mention the fact that it’s the mid 70s and there’s very few places you two can go and feel comfortable. Jimmy Swaggart’s out there right now on television, calling people sexual deviants, but trust me in a few years that’s going to play out in a very hilarious way.
MAGGIE
So, you just sit down at people’s booths and start poking into their lives?
CASPAR
Not all the time.
MAGGIE
Look, I appreciate you all being cool with us and not looking at us funny but it’s not about what happens in safe places. I have the right to hold your hand in public, I have the right to kiss you in public, and I’m ready to fight anybody who’s got problems. You’re not.
MILLY
Just because I don’t want to pick a fight with someone doesn’t mean I’m ashamed of you.
MAGGIE
I don’t know what you are, though. Are you out here with me or am I secret?
MILLY
A secret from who? My two-year-old?
MAGGIE
I need a cigarette.
DOOR CHIME.
MILLY
I hate that she smokes.
CASPAR
We both do. Trust me you don’t want to see the alternative.
MILLY
... This is hard.
CASPAR
I know.
MILLY
I hate how hard this is.
CASPAR
I know. Relationships are hard. There’s nothing more complicated than two people who love each other in a relationship. Two people in a relationship who hate each other is actually super simple. You wake up in the morning “Hey, we hate each other. Cool, I’m off to work.”
MILLY
... I really love her.
CASPAR
I know.
MILLY
And I tell her all the time and it doesn’t sink in.
CASPAR
I know, all the time.
MILLY
... I was such an idiot when I met her... I would push my stroller past her house all the time. There was this one house with a huge garden in the front yard, which was already weird, but there was a sign in the yard that said “Maggie’s Yarm.” And I would always wonder what the hell it meant. Then one day I saw her in the yard and we started talking.
CASPAR
“Yard Farm.”
MILLY
Yes. Because she really wanted a farm but could only afford a yard... I remember rolling the stroller away after the first time we talked and just thinking... “God damn I want to buy you that farm so bad.” Took me months to realize why I was feeling that way.
CASPAR
Do you ever tell her that?
MILLY
It’s like trying to break down a brick wall with her.
CASPAR
Yeah, I know. Let me go talk to her.
MILLY
Um, who are you?
CASPAR
I’m your waiter.
DOOR CHIME. RADIO BUZZES.
EFFIE
Y’all we are back again but this time I am ready. There are bad vibes out there and Saren is here with you to shoo those vibes away. I have been doing some homework while we were gone, here it is.
LEIF
Oh Man, Effie what are you guys on this time?
EFFIE
Does anyone remember the northeast blackout of 1965? I was just a kid here in Saint Louis so I don’t remember it but these outages we keep having got me thinking about when the things we depend on fail us. It was 1965 and around 30 million people in the northeast lost power for 13 hours. From New York all the way up to Toronto. How about those numbers? I wonder how many people had to stay trapped in an elevator for 13 hours, can you imagine? You know what’s funny about this, is the whole northeast lost power but somehow in Maine, the lights stayed on the whole time. Now, I’m not up for conspiracies because I’m a grown woman, but I was thinking. Wouldn’t it be funny if Maine was behind the whole thing... what if something that seems like an interesting little glitch was actually the plan of someone or something you would never expect... Just a thought.
LEIF
Uh oh.
EFFIE
We would love for you to give us a call here at the station and tell us what you think is causing all the these outages.
LEIF
Okay.
EFFIE
555-5555, give us a call. Until then, Here is Shiver Disk with “By the Way.”
LEIF
Who?
SONG: SHIVER DISK, “BY THE WAY”.
LEIF DIALS THE PHONE.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Five, five, five, Jesus Christ, rotary phones...
EFFIE
(In the phone.)
Leif!
LEIF
Effie?
EFFIE
Thank the lord.
LEIF
What’s happening?
EFFIE
Leif, chicanery is about!
LEIF
What do you mean?
EFFIE
Suddenly Zebulon and I could only speak through the radio in other voices. I sound like some bohemian lady and Zebulon sounds like some sort of drunkard from the city.
LEIF
You speak in different voices all the time.
EFFIE
This is different, Leif. Something is being placed upon us. Luckily I found this here back door in getting you to call me.
LEIF
What do you think is happening?
EFFIE
I’m sure I don’t know Leif, I’ve been too busy trying to get somebody’s attention. What goes on?
LEIF
Well, there was suddenly a piano.
EFFIE
Yes, but what else?
LEIF
Uh, Caspar’s moms are here and Ava’s mom is here.
EFFIE
Hmmm.
LEIF
I mean, it’s weird but it doesn’t seem that weird.
THE RADIO BUZZES.
EFFIE
Oh, Lord, here comes Zebulon. Keep working on it Leif!
LEIF
Okay.
ZEBULON
That’s right, Saint Louis, party central can’t be stopped, the Funkslinger is back! Ain’t no blackout gonna hold us down, not on a Friday night! Hey, if these blackouts have got you down why don’t you give us a call?
LEIF
Let me guess.
ZEBULON
555-5555, let us know all about it. We’re confused! Now here’s Glove Box with “Boogie Down.”
LEIF DIALS THE PHONE.
LEIF
What is this music?... Zebulon?
ZEBULON
Leif?
LEIF
What’s happening?
ZEBULON
I seem to speak but something else comes out, it isn’t like the other times. We are being mistranslated somehow.
LEIF
That’s disturbing.
ZEBULON
Do you sense anything nefarious?
LEIF
Not really. Honestly it seems like a pretty chill day.
ZEBULON
There is disturbance in the air, Leif. Keep your wits about you and tell the others.
LEIF
Okay, I’ll spread the word.
LEIF HANGS UP THE PHONE.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Hey, Caspar’s mom.
MILLY
What?
DOOR CHIME, WE MOVE INTO THE PARKING LOT.
CASPAR
How’s it going out here?
MAGGIE
You’re kind of creeping me out, man.
CASPAR
I know. I just don’t want your eggs to get cold.
MAGGIE
Look it’s our business. We’ll handle it, okay?
CASPAR
Okay... Okay... How about the kid?
MAGGIE
What do you mean?
CASPAR
Milly’s kid. Is it his business?
MAGGIE
Uh... I mean, I guess?
CASPAR
Okay. Then I’m representing him in this conversation.
MAGGIE
You can’t just represent him.
CASPAR
Why are you denying Caspar his due process, Maggie, doesn’t he deserve a say?
MAGGIE
Man, what the fuck?
CASPAR
Look, I was raised by two women. Just like you two.
MAGGIE
Seriously?
CASPAR
Yeah.
MAGGIE
How long ago was that?
CASPAR
A long time ago... The boys... had just come home from the war... It was back then.
MAGGIE
That must’ve been impossible.
CASPAR
Does it feel all that possible right now?
MAGGIE
No.
CASPAR
It was difficult. It took a lot of work... So I saw you two today and I was suddenly very invested, okay?
MAGGIE
Okay, fine.
CASPAR
I think you should get back in there and work things out, I think you owe it to yourself.
MAGGIE
Why?
CASPAR
Because, shot in the dark here, you are so proud of your self sufficiency that it’s hard for you to factor anyone else into the equation.
MAGGIE
... Maybe.
CASPAR
And that’s admirable. Maybe it makes you a little hard to be around.
MAGGIE
She’s not exactly easy to be around either.
CASPAR
Oh, I know.
MAGGIE
She was so closeted when I met her. She wasn’t even out to herself. She was just REALLY interested in my life and REALLY wanted to hang out. The first time I came over to her house she invited me for dinner and forgot to buy food. There was a moldy loaf of bread in the pantry, that’s it. I called her Moldy Bread Milly for months after that.
CASPAR
God, that’s where it came from.
MAGGIE
What?
CASPAR
Nothing. Look, I know. She can be a big mess sometimes. She’s got a two year-old kid, she’s a single mom, she works at a gas station.
MAGGIE
... The kid thing kind of freaks me out.
CASPAR
I knew it!
MAGGIE
What?
CASPAR
“Loved you from day one” my ass.
MAGGIE
What?
CASPAR
Nothing. I know. Kids are scary. But he’ll be fine.
MAGGIE
Were you fine?
CASPAR
Absolutely not, Maggie.
MAGGIE
Great.
CASPAR
It was hard, okay? I was a little kid, in the midwest, with two moms, in the 80-... a long time ago. Kids made fun of me sometimes. The cruelty of children to other children is its own category of evil. They tried to go to a PTA meeting and people protested and wrote letters. They were asked to not come back. Then one time, one of them had something wrong with their gallbladder or some shit and she had to go to the emergency room, but Mom number two wasn’t allowed in the emergency room because she wasn’t a member of the family, so I had to constantly run back and forth from the emergency room to the waiting room trying to keep both of them calm and I was eight?!
MAGGIE
I’m sorry about all that.
CASPAR
It’s okay. I’m fine.
MAGGIE
What if he has to go through all of that stuff you went through and he doesn’t even like me?
CASPAR
... He’s going to love you so much.
MAGGIE
You think?
CASPAR
You’re grumpy, you chain smoke, you’re emotionally withholding, what’s not to like?
MAGGIE
Very funny.
CASPAR
Maggie, get in there. Change your life.
MAGGIE
... Fuck it.
CASPAR
There we go!
DOOR CHIME.
LEIF
Caspar.
CASPAR
What’s up?
LEIF
Are you playing marriage counselor to your parents?
CASPAR
I know it sounds fucked up but I’m having a blast.
LEIF
Well, sorry to rain on your parade.
CASPAR
Aw snails.
LEIF
The Mucklewains are freaking out.
CASPAR
They’re 70s DJs right now.
LEIF
Not if you call the phone number. If you call the phone number it’s them and they don’t know what’s happening.
CASPAR
Huh.
LEIF
They think something fucked up is going on but I mean...
CASPAR
It seems like a good day.
LEIF
That’s what I said. Where’s the doom?
CASPAR
I don’t see any doom.
LEIF
They’re probably just freaking out for no reason, right?
CASPAR
Yeah, It’s a nice day, there’s going to be music tonight, my moms are here, Ava’s miserable, it’s a good day.
LEIF
Agreed.
CASPAR
... Hang on.
LEIF
What?
CASPAR
Goddamnit.
LEIF
What?
CASPAR
... My moms. Ava’s mom. All living in Saint Louis in the mid 70s and then we show up?
LEIF
Yeah.
CASPAR
Do you want to calculate those odds for me?
LEIF
... I mean, it’s possible.
CASPAR
Yeah, but I’ve got this friend Occam and he has this razor.
LEIF
You think someone’s fucking with us?
CASPAR
I don’t know.
LEIF
How, though?
CASPAR
I don’t know.
LEIF
Clementine?
CASPAR
I don’t know.
LEIF
She can control where we go?
CASPAR
I don’t know.
LEIF
That’s impossible.
CASPAR
I know.
LEIF
Hmm...
CASPAR
Okay look. Let’s just keep our antennas out okay?
LEIF
Go tandem? Look for traps?
CASPAR
Yeah... Probably fine.
LEIF
Probably fine.
CASPAR
I’m going to go tell Gloria, you go tell Ava.
LEIF
Okay.
DOOR CHIME. WE MOVE BACK INTO THE DINER.
MILLY
... I don’t know, I was thinking, maybe we should move north, maybe to Cleveland?
CASPAR
No no no no no no no no no. Nope... More coffee? How are we doing for coffee?
MILLY
Sure.
CASPAR
Okay... Hey Gloria.
GLORIA
It’s been several minutes and Leif has still not put the moves on Ava’s mom, I thought I was the boss around here.
CASPAR
We may have a problem.
GLORIA
... But I don’t want us to have a problem.
CASPAR
I know, I know. Though it’s entirely possible we don’t know how to function anymore without having a problem, so there’s that.
GLORIA
What is it?
CASPAR
The Mucklewains are having a freakout.
GLORIA
I thought they were playing the hits.
CASPAR
Apparently if you call the hotline you can talk to them and they think... I don’t know, they think that there’s some sort of plot happening. My moms, Ava’s mom, instant piano, then we show up. Too much of a coincidence.
GLORIA
Clementine?
CASPAR
I don’t know.
GLORIA
She’s fucking with us?
CASPAR
I don’t know.
GLORIA
How?
CASPAR
I don’t know.
GLORIA
Why?
CASPAR
I don’t know.
GLORIA
I don’t like it.
CASPAR
I know.
GLORIA
I don’t understand what she has to gain by a bunch of moms showing up.
CASPAR
It’s early in the shift though, who else is showing up?
GLORIA
... Okay.
CASPAR
Look, there’s nothing to do at this point except keep an eye out so... we’ll do that.
GLORIA
Good.
RADIO BUZZES.
CASPAR
Shit, hang on.
EFFIE
Well, folks here we are, back again, I am getting sick of this, how about you? The chakras are not aligned. Thanks for sticking with me though, if you are still with me. I promise you right now we are going to get to the bottom of whatever’s going on. Until then, let’s get some more music out there to heal whatever is ailing these airwaves, shall we? Here’s Roots and Recognition with “The Limelight.”
CASPAR DIALS THE PHONE.
EFFIE (CONT’D)
Caspar!
CASPAR
Hey, Effie, long time first time, just wanted to call in to say: turns out soft rock sucks in every timeline.
EFFIE
Do I sound like I am in the mood for your alleged witticisms, there, Samuel Clemens?
CASPAR
Effie, can you be a little more specific about whatever this threat is?
EFFIE
Caspar, I am a Baptist minister, specifics are not my bread and butter.
CASPAR
That’s true, Jesus always was a “big picture” guy, wasn’t he?
EFFIE
I’m assuming there is some sort of plan to free us from this strange prison we find ourselves in.
CASPAR
We don’t understand how this prison works and we also don’t understand how you work, how are we going to make progress on this exactly?
EFFIE
Why do I feel like I am not being given the appropriate attention this moment requires, Caspar?
CASPAR
Effie, there’s something weird going on with you two, sure, but there’s no danger out here. We’re having kind of an... I don’t know, a nice day.
EFFIE
The best place to hide the poison is in the sweet stuff, Caspar.
CASPAR
Effie, c’mon.
EFFIE
You are a dog eating peanut butter with no clue as to the de-worming pill within.
CASPAR
What kind of cockamamie reference... okay fine. We’ll put our heads together and see what we can come up with, until then, you might be stuck in 70s DJ-mode for the rest of the shift. Just try and enjoy it. I’ll be back.
CASPAR HANGS UP. RADIO BUZZES.
ZEBULON
Don’t walk away just yet folks! The Funkslinger wants to hear from you.
CASPAR
Goddamnit.
CASPAR DIALS THE PHONE.
ZEBULON
Give us a call! Here’s Wanda Shakes with “Ten Toes Deep!”
CASPAR
Five, five, five, five...
ZEBULON
Caspar!
CASPAR
Zebulon, what is it?
ZEBULON
It’s the serpent of the Pharaoh, Caspar!
CASPAR
Okay.
ZEBULON
It was proof that he drew his power not just from his throne but from darker magics, Caspar!
CASPAR
Zeb, are we going a little nutty right now?
ZEBULON
We must leave this place, Caspar!
CASPAR
Okay, I’ll just put some coins in the slot and I’m sure we’ll zip away.
ZEBULON
It is an accursed quagmire!
CASPAR
We’re working on it, Zebulon. We’re working on it and we’re doing what we can. Hang tight.
CASPAR HANGS UP THE PHONE. WE MOVE TO THE PARKING LOT.
LEIF
... So all we have right now are the Mucklewains freaking out but I agree with Caspar, it’s a little too much for a coincidence.
AVA
It’s not a coincidence.
LEIF
What do you think it is?
AVA
PUNISHMENT FROM JESUS.
LEIF
Ava-
AVA
I’m serious. I made one too many Jesus jokes and now here we are.
LEIF
What is the big deal? Your mom wasn’t great, a lot of moms out there are not great moms.
AVA
Yes, but you’re forgetting I don’t care about other people.
LEIF
I have to say, I can see the resemblance.
AVA
PLEASE EXPLODE.
BILLIE
Hey.
LEIF
It’s a hard thing to hear but it’s true.
BILLIE
Guys.
AVA
That is ridiculous, I am nothing like that woman.
BILLIE
Excuse me, Idiots?
AVA
...
LEIF
Nothing?
BILLIE
Hey Sound Man. Where’s my sound, man?
LEIF
It’ll only take a minute to set up. How’s it coming with the piano player?
BILLIE
I’m still working on it. There’s always a piano player somewhere.
LEIF
Hmm.
AVA
... I will murder you in every timeline.
LEIF
You know, Ava plays the piano.
AVA
Say your goodbyes.
BILLIE
Really?
LEIF
She does.
BILLIE
A lot of people play the piano, I need someone who Plays the Piano, you know?
LEIF
She’s pretty good. What were you playing earlier? Was it Beethoven?
AVA
It was Mozart, you rube.
BILLIE
Yeah, that’s not what I’m looking for, I need someone who can handle my stuff.
AVA
Oh really? “Your stuff”? Yes, the complexity of Mozart is nothing compared to Honky Tonk.
BILLIE
I don’t sing Honky Tonk, weirdo. I need someone who doesn’t play with stick up their ass.
LEIF
She doesn’t play that way, I’m sure she’d be great.
AVA
You’re about to be doing everything with a stick up your ass.
BILLIE
You can play Jazz? Blues?
AVA
Yes, I can also spell small words with alphabet blocks.
BILLIE
What is your problem with me?
AVA
I don’t have a problem, you have a problem.
BILLIE
I’m trying to make this gig happen, do you mind?
AVA
I really do mind.
BILLIE
Can you handle the music, or not?
AVA
Of course I can, don’t be ridiculous.
LEIF
Great! Looks like it’s all figured out, Ava come inside in a few minutes for a sound check okay? Have a great time working out the set list, you two.
DOOR CHIME.
BILLIE
Did a piano fall on your parents when you were a kid?
AVA
GOD, if only.
BILLIE
Give me a cigarette.
AVA
No.
BILLIE
Don’t be ridiculous.
AVA
Get your own cigarettes.
BILLIE
There’s no cigarette machine inside!
AVA
I know and it’s been very difficult for me!!
BILLIE
... We just met today right? I didn’t run over your dog or something?
AVA
... Here. Maybe this is the one that will kill you.
BILLIE
Thank you.
BILLIE LIGHTS A CIGARETTE.
BILLIE (CONT’D)
... So where’d you learn play?
AVA
... My mom forced me to take lessons when I was a kid.
BILLIE
You hated it that much, huh?
AVA
I... hated anything that had to do with my mother.
BILLIE
Jeez. What’d she do?
AVA
Not much. I guess that was the problem.
BILLIE
I get it. My mom was no picnic, either.
AVA
Yeah, I know, grandma shot a guy.
BILLIE
What?
AVA
Look, I’m a physicist.
BILLIE
Okay.
AVA
And she... Fucking hell... Music is math. It all fits together like math. When she forced me to learn the piano I suddenly realized that numbers for me, math, it’s... It speaks to me. It stretches out in front of me, it all fits together, I can visualize all of it. It’s like magic... So I was good at music, but it wasn’t enough for me, and she hated that. She wouldn’t put me in any advanced programs, she wouldn’t let me do the Mathlympics at school, which I would’ve crushed at... I’d have to go with her to her gigs and she’d find me at the end of the night doing the manager’s books.
BILLIE
So your mom didn’t appreciate you for what you were.
AVA
No.
BILLIE
But also you discovered something important about yourself because of what she forced you to do?
AVA
... Yeah, I guess.
BILLIE
And you’re being shitty to me because I remind you of her.
AVA
Just a bit, yes.
BILLIE
Well... can you get the fuck over it, please?
AVA
Fine.
BILLIE
Thank you... You’re sure you can do this?
AVA
Yeah, it’s fine.
BILLIE
... You really hated playing music?
AVA
There was one song that I really liked. She always yelled at me when I played it.
BILLIE
Which one?
AVA
Never mind. Let’s go over the set list.
BILLIE
Okay.
THE KITCHEN. GLORIA IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.
CASPAR
Gloria?
CASPAR GOES OUT THE BACK DOOR.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Gloria?
GLORIA
(Up on the roof.)
Hey.
CASPAR
Hey. What’s going on?
GLORIA
I just needed a minute.
CASPAR
Okay... Leif has somehow done a reverse psychology on Ava and she is now the piano player for tonight.
GLORIA
Wow. Okay.
CASPAR
Effie and Zebulon are still freaking out but I have no idea what to do about it.
GLORIA
Me neither.
CASPAR
My moms were going to move to Cleveland for a minute there. I think I waved them off.
GLORIA
Good.
CASPAR
... What’s going on, Gloria?
GLORIA
... Who else is coming through the door, Caspar?
CASPAR
... I don’t know.
GLORIA
... My parents died in a car crash... I was 18...
CASPAR
... You’re afraid they’re going to walk through the door.
GLORIA
...
CASPAR
... Gloria, nobody knows what’s happening right now. Effie and Zebulon are saying it’s a conspiracy but nothing is making any sense right now.
GLORIA
I know... People should not be presented with this dilemma.
CASPAR
They should not... When I left, my moms had retired to Reno.
GLORIA
Reno?
CASPAR
Yeah, Maggie became a semi-pro gambler in her later years, it was pretty hilarious... I never said goodbye to them. But I sort of felt like they were out here somewhere, so I’d always get the chance.
Jesus, that was, like, a hundred and thirty years ago... It’s okay. To not know how to feel.
GLORIA
It wouldn’t be seeing them again, it would be leaving them again in a few hours.
CASPAR
I understand.
GLORIA
I worked really hard to get past it. I worked really hard to say goodbye.
CASPAR
I’m sure.
GLORIA
I can’t start that over again. I’m scared of hearing the door chime again.
CASPAR
... It’s weird, what can become bad news out here.
GLORIA
It really is... I guess I can’t stay up on the roof for the rest of the shift, can I?
CASPAR
No, because then I would be cooking. Speaking of bad news.
GLORIA
... I’m glad you got to see your moms again.
CASPAR
Me too.
GLORIA
I bet you were a cute kid.
CASPAR
No, I was pretty much like this. Bitter... Look, we’re putting on a show tonight.
GLORIA
We are.
CASPAR
Let’s get in there and enjoy it while we can okay? Isn’t that the gig? Enjoying it as much as we can until the next horror walks through the door?
GLORIA
Yeah, okay. I’m coming down.
CASPAR
It’ll be fun. This could be a whole new door for us. Maybe we get a karaoke machine.
GLORIA
Okay, I’m not coming down.
CASPAR
Kidding!
LATER THAT NIGHT. THE DINER IS PACKED, WAITING FOR BILLIE.
ZEBULON
Saint Louis, I don’t know if you’ve heard but we’ve got a local favorite performing tonight. That’s right, Billie Maddox herself is playing at a brand new club called Midnight Diner! This gig is officially Funkslinger certified, come check it out!
MIC FEEDBACK.
CASPAR
(Into the mic.)
Hello hello everyone! Welcome to Midnight Burger, it is show time! This is a rarity for us. We haven’t had a musician in here since Richey Edwards of the Manic Street Preachers swung by. Heady days!
GLORIA
Get off the stage!
AVA
You suck!
CASPAR
Those would be my co-workers, they’re very mean. But they do make a good point! You didn’t come here to see me tonight. You came here to see the incomparable Billie Maddox!
APPLAUSE.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
So let’s just get right to it, shall we? Cats and kittens, put you hands to together for Billie Maddox!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERS.
BILLIE
(Into the mic.)
Well hello there, Midnight Burger. Welcome everyone to the weirdest fucking gig I’ve ever played.
LAUGHTER.
BILLIE (CONT’D)
You know this show almost didn’t happen tonight. If it were not for the incredibly grumpy weirdo at the piano we’d all be sitting in silence right now. Let’s hear it for Ava!
APPLAUSE.
AVA
Please stop clapping.
BILLIE
So... my mom sucked. How about y’all? Make some noise if your mom sucked.
APPLAUSE.
BILLIE (CONT’D)
There you are. There’s my people. Ava’s mom sucked pretty hard as well, isn’t that right, Ava?
AVA
What are you doing?
BILLIE
Did you know that Ava’s mom wouldn’t let her play her favorite song?
AVA
Please stop doing what you’re doing.
BILLIE
Atrocious, isn’t it? What do you think it was? What was Ava’s favorite song?
GLORIA
Tequila!
LEIF
Master of Puppets!
CASPAR
The Thong Song!
BILLIE
You know, we have the opportunity to right a great wrong here tonight, don’t we?
SHOUTS FROM THE CROWD.
BILLIE (CONT’D)
It’s been a while since I’ve had an opening act, maybe it’s time to break the streak, right?
AVA
Please come over here.
BILLIE
Hang on, guys. (Off mic.) Can I help you?
AVA
What are you doing?
BILLIE
I’m doing you a favor.
AVA
Do you know what favors are?
BILLIE
You’re going to sing your song.
AVA
You don’t even know if I can sing.
BILLIE
Can you?... Uh huh... Think of it this way: your mom would really hate it. (Back on the mic.) Let’s hear it for Ava!
THE CROWD CHEERS AGAIN. AVA AWKWARDLY FUMBLES AROUND WITH THE MIC.
AVA
Hi... My mother hated this song. And I hope you hate it too.
SONG: AVA SINGS “POISONING PIGEONS IN THE PARK” BY TOM LEHRER.
AVA FINISHES HER SONG AND THE CROWD GOES WILD.
AVA (CONT’D)
And now, ladies and gentlemen, someone destined to be a terrible mother herself someday... Billie Maddox!
SONG: BILLIE SINGS “YOU’VE GOTTA SEE MOMMA EVERY NIGHT (OR YOU CAN’T SEE MOMMA AT ALL).” BY BILLY ROSE AND CON CONRAD.
LATER ON, THE CROWD IS SLOWLY LEAVING THE DINER AT THE END OF THE SHOW.
BILLIE
Goodnight everybody. If you’re driving don’t drink and if you drink don’t drive... You’re good. You should quit all that physics garbage and play piano.
AVA
I’ll think about it.
BILLIE
...
AVA
...
BILLIE
I’m pregnant.
AVA
Oh GOD.
BILLIE
Jesus.
AVA
That’s TERRIBLE news.
BILLIE
Thanks. Thanks for the sympathy.
AVA
I’m sorry. What’s the appropriate response? Congratulations?
BILLIE
I have no goddamn idea... Did you mean what you said at the top of the show? That I was destined to be a bad mother?
AVA
Yes. Of course I meant it.
BILLIE
Thanks.
AVA
I’m sorry... Look, do you strike me as someone who would make a good mother? No. But... Neither would I. Neither would a lot of people. So maybe I shouldn’t be jerk about it.
BILLIE
Fair enough... I gotta go... You’re a strange person Ava... keep it up.
AVA
Okay, mom.
BILLIE WALKS OFF.
MAGGIE
So. This has been weird.
CASPAR
Yes, it has.
MAGGIE
It was annoying at first, but I’m a little glad you invaded our privacy tonight.
CASPAR
Anytime.
MAGGIE
We’ve got a lot to talk about, obviously.
MILLY
But I’m looking forward to it.
MAGGIE
Me too. I’m going to go get the car. What was your name again?
CASPAR
... Jeff.
MAGGIE
Nice to meet you, Jeff.
CASPAR
Same here.
MILLY
So, we’ll come back some time and update you on how we’re doing since you seem so invested.
CASPAR
Okay, but restaurants are hard to keep open, I hope we’re still here when you do.
MILLY
She gave me some mandates.
CASPAR
That sounds like her.
MILLY
Caspar isn’t ever allowed to call her aunt, or call her my roommate.
CASPAR
Sounds easy enough.
MILLY
Sorry, Caspar’s my kid.
CASPAR
Yeah, I know.
MILLY
I didn’t name him after the cartoon character.
CASPAR
I know.
MILLY
... Not sure the best way to explain it all to him.
CASPAR
I don’t think he needs much. Almost everything is a bigger deal in our heads.
MILLY
Yeah. You’re good at this, do you have a kid?
CASPAR
... Yeah.
MILLY
Lucky kid.
MAGGIE HONKS THE HORN.
MILLY (CONT’D)
I gotta go.
CASPAR
I’ll see you around, Milly.
EFFIE
Well, folks, despite our technical difficulties tonight, it has not stopped Saint Louis from being Saint Louis. I’m hearing word that local favorite Billie Maddox played a surprise show at a new place in town called “The Midnight Café.” Apparently Billie didn’t even have a piano player when she got there, she pulled someone right up out of the audience. That’s Billie for you. Up next we’ve got The Flix with “Saturdays.”
SONG: “SATURDAYS” BY THE FLIX.
GLORIA
You thought bringing them out into the parking lot would do something?
LEIF
I don’t even know at this point. I’d try electroshock therapy if I thought it would work.
GLORIA
Well I guess we just wait for them to come back but this music is driving me crazy.
RADIO BUZZES.
EFFIE
Sweet freedom!
GLORIA
There we go.
ZEBULON
Gloria! It is not unlike the halls of Nebuchadnezzar! Are there sorceresses about?
GLORIA
Sorceresses?
EFFIE
Gloria, we are being snared in some sort of a deadfall!
GLORIA
What are you talking about?
LEIF
Everything seems to be going okay, y’all.
EFFIE
Well that is the whole point of a trap, isn’t it? If it felt like a trap, nobody would wander into it.
ZEBULON
This is the madness of Queen Jezebel!
GLORIA
Okay, Zeb. Calm down.
CASPAR
What are they talking about?
GLORIA
They think we’re in a trap.
AVA
Trust me, I know what it feels like to be trapped in Saint Louis, this isn’t a trap.
LEIF
It is possible this is all just a coincidence.
CASPAR
If it was all on purpose that would mean... I mean if we’re talking about Clementine, that would mean that she can control where we go. She can’t control where we go.
GLORIA
And if she could, why would she send us to Saint Louis to have a nice time.
AVA
It doesn’t make any sense.
LEIF
Hang on... Thinking like a criminal for a second... It might make a little sense.
AVA
Why?
LEIF
Well... If I was going to threaten someone, first they would need to know that I can follow through with the threat. So... I’d show off a little.
EFFIE
That’s it exactly, Leif.
ZEBULON
It is the Staff of the Pharaoh cast upon the ground.
CASPAR
Can we ease up on the severity, everyone?
AVA
We’re going to need a little more evidence.
GLORIA
Yeah, let’s take it easy, let’s talk about a problem when we have a problem.
THE AIR BECOMES DISTURBED AROUND THEM.
LEIF
Gloria... We’ve got a problem.
CLEMENTINE MATERIALIZES IN THE PARKING LOT.
CLEMENTINE
Hi everyone. How was mother’s day?
GLORIA
Everybody stand back.
EFFIE
I got about 12 hours of curses built up for you, Clementine.
ZEBULON
What was the meaning of all this, Clementine?
CLEMENTINE
Everybody relax. I’m not going to rain down hellfire on you. Yet.
GLORIA
So this was you?
CLEMENTINE
Just a little fun. I just needed to show you what I was capable of.
GLORIA
And what are we supposed to do with that?
CLEMENTINE
Just listen.
GLORIA
No, you listen to me. You turned a mall full of people into monsters, you made an asteroid appear out of nowhere. Whatever you’re doing, you need to stop it.
CLEMENTINE
There’s a lot of strange things out there, Gloria. How can you be sure it was me?
AVA
We’re sure it was you.
CLEMENTINE
There are infinite timelines out there and you people are concerned about a mall?
LEIF
A mall and an entire planet, yes.
CASPAR
Not to mention whatever else you’ve done.
CLEMENTINE
I haven’t done anything! ...I have had things done to me.
GLORIA
Which gives you the right to what exactly?
CLEMENTINE
Rights? What are you talking about, Gloria? Are you still talking about your plan? Everyone’s got to stick to Gloria’s plan, right?
GLORIA
You’re hurting people.
CLEMENTINE
You don’t know that. How could you even tell? People are getting hurt every second of every hour of every day, how can you tell the difference between the pain that comes from me or the pain that comes from, I don’t know, the universe being full of hurt! ...I know you’ve all seen it. World after world after world of hurt and pain and loss. And you want to stop me? Because that’ll stop what? People from being hurt?... Oh wait... I get it now... you people have decided that you’re a little band of do-gooders, is that it? Zig-zagging around the stars righting wrongs? Ridiculous... I’m sure Zebulon has convinced you all that I’m some sort of lost little lamb, right? An injured little doe in the woods. A misguided little kid... You’re the ones who are fooling yourselves. There’s no order to things. There are no laws written in the stars... There’s only one thing that rings true to me: I have the power to get what I want. So I’m going to get it.
ZEBULON
Despite what that may take from others?
CLEMENTINE
Don’t talk to me about what I take! ...I could snap my fingers and kill you all... But I’m not here to do that. I’m not here to take anything... I’m here to give you something.
GLORIA
We’re not interested.
CLEMENTINE
Of course you are. I know because you’ve all told me exactly what you’re interested in... And I can give it all to you. I’ve shown you here today. I put you in a world where Ava’s mom and Caspar’s moms all live in Saint Louis. I put you here. I can put you anywhere I want, hell I can put a piano in your dining room... So I’m not here with threats... I’m here with what you want. A world where Leif didn’t throw everything away, a world where every scientist in the world listens to Dr. Ava Maddox... I can give you your son back, Caspar. You deserve to have him back. You’ve suffered enough. You should meet him again... I have.
GLORIA
That’s enough.
CLEMENTINE
And you, Gloria, well it could go one of two ways for you. Which will it be? A world where a virus from across the sea didn’t take your dream from you or shall we go deeper? Should we say a world where, one night, your parents cruised right through that intersection and there was no drunk driver to be found?
EFFIE
This is evil, what you’re doing, Clementine.
CLEMENTINE
I’d make an offer to Effie and Zebulon but they already have what they want: to be considered human by all of you.
GLORIA
We’re not interested-
CLEMENTINE
No no no. No. You’re not supposed to answer me right now, Gloria. You have to sit with it a while. You have to let it eat away at you. Like I have. You have to sit there and let a better life look you in the eye while all you have to do is say yes...
THE AIR BEGINS TO CHANGE AROUND THEM.
AVA
What’s happening?
LEIF
Fuck.
CLEMENTINE
I’m going to put you somewhere for a while. Give you some time to think. I’ll come and get you when I feel like you’re ready. I recommend you all figure out how to say yes to me... You don’t want to see the alternative.
THE DINER VANISHES. CLEMENTINE WALKS OFF INTO THE CITY OF SAINT LOUIS.
THE END