Chapter 24: Big Rock
THE SOUND OF SPACE TIME FLYING BY. EVERYONE IS ON THE ROOF.
ZEBULON
“That’s a shame.” She said. “I’m going to have to do something about that. I’ll try to not make it hurt.” And then she vanished.
CASPAR
Well, way to de-escalate the situation, y’all.
EFFIE
We made her tea, we invited her into our home.
CASPAR
And let me guess, the entire time you were looking over the top of your glasses like a disapproving headmistress.
EFFIE
You mean the way I’m looking at you right now?
GLORIA
Can someone explain to me how the three of you all ended up at your old house in Arkansas?
ZEBULON
Well I did have a nice analogy about a grouse hunt.
CASPAR
I would like to opt-out of the grouse hunt analogy.
ZEBULON
Very well.
AVA
One time Effie told me that they seem to just fill up whatever container they’re put in. Somehow this woman, Clementine, put them in a container that looked like their past.
CASPAR
Now opting in to the grouse hunt analogy.
ZEBULON
Welcome back.
LEIF
She said she’d “Learned a lot from the others.” The others being us. What does that mean?
GLORIA
Has she been spying on us or something?
AVA
If she can travel through various timelines then she can poke around in all of our histories and we’d never know it. By meeting us in the past she just creates another timeline where we all once met a strange lady named Clementine.
LEIF
Great, so she’s got all kinds of dirt on us and we know nothing about her?
ZEBULON
She was confused when she spoke. She said she began as nothing and had to remake herself into her current form. Something about waking in a parking lot with no memory. Then her memories returning somehow. She seemed to regard herself as a sort of poorly made garment; one pull at an errant thread and she could unravel completely. She seems to regard us as an errant thread that could undo her, cause her to return to nothing before she had achieved her goal.
GLORIA
And this is when she started talking about her people?
ZEBULON
Yes. “We were just wandering in the darkness.” She said. “The stars had burnt out.” No light to be found anywhere. Whatever plight has befallen these people of hers, she believes she has the power to undo it.
GLORIA
Why doesn’t she just do that, then?
ZEBULON
I don’t believe she wishes to save her people, I believe she wishes to erase their plight completely.
AVA
She’s trying to remake her timeline.
GLORIA
Okay, why doesn’t she just do THAT then?
CASPAR
How would you? It sounds like her entire civilization is screwed somehow, how do you undo that? It wouldn’t be one thing, it’d be a million things. How do you undo them all and how do you even know what to undo?
AVA
It’s impossible.
LEIF
But she doesn’t know that.
CASPAR
You want to tell her?
GLORIA
Okay, here’s what I need. I need someone to explain to me what the problem is. In simple terms. We don’t understand Clementine, she doesn’t understand us, that’s an easy problem to fix. Why are we having this meeting on the roof like it’s the war room? Why did you two bring us up here?
AVA
Because of something Leif just showed me.
LEIF
Let me direct your attention to this display.
CASPAR
“This display?” Isn’t that a 1989 Zenith?
LEIF
I’m salvaging from multiple time periods, you take what you can get.
CASPAR
Can I watch “Who’s the Boss?” Later?
LEIF
This oval is a cosmic microwave background. A remnant of the first light that could ever travel freely throughout a Universe. I did this scan from here, while we were dealing with the Mall Zombies.
CASPAR
Shopzies.
GLORIA
We’re not calling them that.
LEIF
This is the furthest that light had been able to travel, this is as far as any telescope can see. This is, in a very basic way, everything.
CASPAR
Everything in the universe is now contained on this 1989 Zenith?
LEIF
It’s called a Sky Scan, the Planck does it all the time. Ava’s idea was to use the sky scan of every universe we go to as a sort of fingerprint. Theoretically every universe we go to would have a unique Cosmic Microwave Background. We use the sky scan as a fingerprint and keep them on file, so we could always know if we’ve been to a universe before.
GLORIA
That’s a fantastic idea, Ava.
CASPAR
She knows.
AVA
But Leif was also working on another project and not telling me, which he promises to never do again.
LEIF
Honestly, it was a shot in the dark. I didn’t think anything would come of it.
GLORIA
What’d you find?
LEIF
The first time we met Clementine, I accidentally grabbed her energy signature in the Sky Scan. So, on a whim, I decided to Scan the Universe for her energy signature. Check it out...
GLORIA
... It’s everywhere.
CASPAR
It’s everywhere in the universe, how could she have been everywhere in the universe?
AVA
That’s not all.
LEIF
I also scanned the mall zombies back at the mall. They have the same trace energy signature as Clementine.
AVA
I kept talking about damage to the fabric of spacetime. Leif has found the energy signature that damage to the fabric of spacetime emits. The mall was covered with these energies AND so was Clementine.
CASPAR
What does that mean?
AVA
We don’t know yet. But looking at this sample universe, there is damage to space time fabric everywhere in the universe. This damage can only be caused by a gravity wave. For a gravity wave to cause this amount of damage... something very, very big had to happen. Something bigger than has ever even been theorized. Something massive occurred and the wreckage of it is everywhere.
GLORIA
Why are we just now seeing this?
LEIF
We just started looking. We may have been seeing it all along, we just didn’t know what to call it.
CASPAR
Could it have been caused by her?
AVA
I don’t know. She is pretty powerful.
EFFIE
I’m not feeling right about it. She may have strange gifts but she’s just as lost as anyone we’ve known. She’s a piece to the puzzle, she ain’t the puzzle.
GLORIA
All of this is interesting, but what do we do? I feel like we’re sitting here wondering about things but there’s nothing to do, I need to do things.
AVA
I don’t know what’s going on yet. I need more data.
LEIF
Now that I’m set up up here, we’ll learn more with every place we visit.
CASPAR
Yeah, Leif, what is going on on the roof? It’s like Santa’s Workshop up here.
LEIF
Pretty great, right? I’ve got like five projects up and running.
GLORIA
Did you fix the standing mixer yet?
LEIF
I’ve got six projects up and running.
CASPAR
Here comes the bass drop.
THE DINER SETS DOWN. WE HEAR PULSATING DANCE MUSIC AND PARTY GOERS, ALSO GLASS SMASHING AND CARS BURNING.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
... Okay, didn’t mean that literally.
GLORIA
What is all this?
LEIF
Is it a party or is it a riot?
CASPAR
I think it’s both? It’s like Mardi Gras with violence.
AVA
We’re in the UK somewhere. Look at the street signs.
GLORIA
What’s that spray-painted on that building?
LEIF
“Welcome Ashley.”
GLORIA
Who’s Ashley?
CASPAR
Incoming.
JOSH
(Drunk.)
Hello up there.
CASPAR
Hi.
JOSH
What a delightful cafe, Is it new?
CASPAR
We just opened.
GLORIA
It’s a diner.
JOSH
Really? Like the Americans?
GLORIA
Yes.
JOSH
I don’t like Americans.
GLORIA
Neither do we.
JOSH
Why do you put pumpkin spice in everything?
LEIF
Who’s Ashley?
JOSH
Ah yes, Ashley! She’s a Death God. She drags souls into the underworld to torture them forever.
CASPAR
And she’s stopping by later?
JOSH
Have you not heard of Ashley?
CASPAR
No.
JOSH
Oh dear, you’re not calling it something else in America, are you?
CASPAR
Calling what something else?
JOSH
Do you have kebabs?
GLORIA
No.
JOSH
Have to make do then.
JOSH WALKS INSIDE.
AVA
Guess we have a customer.
GLORIA
Effie, vibe check?
EFFIE
I... Well Gloria it’s just the strangest thing. One minute I feel tranquility, the other panic and fear. It’s very confusing in this place.
GLORIA
Let’s go talk to this guy.
LATER. JOSH EATS TACOS AND WON’T SHUT UP.
JOSH
This is brilliant. This is brilliant. This is what they’re meant to taste like? Tacos? No surprise that they don’t have them like this here. Most places here have a neon sign that involves a sombrero, which I feel is not the most culturally accurate design aesthetic for the taco. Who invented them? Was it the Spaniards?
CASPAR
18th century silver miners.
GLORIA
Oh shut up, it was the Aztecs.
JOSH
Really, the Aztecs? All those millennia ago they were eating things like this?
GLORIA
Theirs were full of fish and organs but sure.
CASPAR
Really?
GLORIA
Isn’t it funny how you don’t have to pass a test to call yourself a history buff?
CASPAR
Or a life coach, but who’s counting?
JOSH
You know, saying they’re full of fish and organs does make them sound more British doesn’t it?
LEIF
So, Josh, what’s going on outside? It’s pretty crazy out there, did you win a football match or something?
JOSH
May I say, while the food is really divine, the atmosphere in this establishment is a bit off. You’re all just here, going about your daily lives while all this is going on?
LEIF
While all what is going on?
JOSH
The arrival of Ashley, of course.
LEIF
Who is Ashley?
CASPAR
Is this a cult thing? Are they going to put us in a wicker man?
JOSH
I can’t tell if you’re being serious or not.
AVA
We get that a lot.
GLORIA
Do us a favor. Treat us like we’ve been trapped in a mine for two years. What do we need to know?
JOSH
Ah. What a fascinating game. Very well. First off, I am deeply sorry for the mining disaster you have just endured, mining accidents are far more prevalent that one expects. Secondly, while you were trapped in the aforementioned mine, the world discovered Ashley. Ashley is an asteroid. She is headed for Earth. She is 9.3 kilometers wide and she is headed for Earth. We are all doomed.
GLORIA
Oh, God.
JOSH
We’ve known for a few months now. Everyone took the time to sit down with their families and have a talk about being doomed and saying their last goodbyes. Then after all that we found we had many more months until Ashley arrived and wiped us out so I suppose we should get pissed and set a few things aflame. With 14 months to go we may run out of things to set fire to, so we may have to find some other irresponsible act to indulge in. Perhaps blowing things up?
CASPAR
That explains the crowd’s behavior. They’ve managed to set fire to a Verizon kiosk now.
JOSH
Ah! They finally got it lit, good on them.
AVA
14 months?
LEIF
That’s pretty far out to detect an asteroid, how’d they catch it?
JOSH
It wasn’t them, it was me. I shouldn’t say me. It was us. Myself and my wife.
GLORIA
You’re the ones who found it?
JOSH
We’re astrophysicists, my wife and myself. We work at the observatory. Now the most famous observatory in the world. Just up the hill there.
GLORIA
And you said it was 9 kilometers wide?
JOSH
Quite a large woman, Ashley. Roughly the size of the fabled dinosaur slayer. We will literally go the way of the dinosaur in a little over a year. I’ve been wondering if our early warning was a blessing or a curse. Perhaps just a week would’ve been better. People have been coming up with far too complicated bucket lists now that doom approaches AND they have the time.
There’s a man in Surrey who is making a bobsled entirely out of butter and plans to slide all the way down Box Hill with it. Not the usual end times behaviors one would expect.
CASPAR
There is now someone trying to leap over the flaming Verizon kiosk.
JOSH
Behaviors such as that, exactly, leaping over flaming objects.
CASPAR
And now he’s on fire.
AVA
Wait, are we in Greenwich?
JOSH
We are.
AVA
You work at the Big Onion?
GLORIA
Big onion?
JOSH
We do.
AVA
The Royal Observatory isn’t powerful enough to pick up something that far out. 14 months?
JOSH
Apologies, have I stumbled into a cafe full of astrophysicists?
CASPAR
Kind of.
JOSH
Well, to answer your question, that is correct. The Royal Observatory didn’t find our future executioner. Our algorithm did. We wanted a better way of finding objects hurtling toward us so we created an algorithm that cross-referenced all the public data from every observatory in the world. We were very proud of ourselves. We saw ourselves creating a patchwork of data across the heavens. As it turns out, all we were doing was drawing a giant pentagram on the floor and conjuring a demon named Ashley that was now going to destroy the world.
LEIF
14 months, it hasn’t passed Jupiter yet, I’m guessing. Are you sure Jupiter isn’t going to grab it? In fact, there’s a a lot of celestial bodies for it to pass by before it would get here. What about the asteroid belt?
JOSH
We had hoped for that, but I’m afraid the path is clear. None of our celestial big brothers are coming to our rescue. Ashley is headed straight for us, and there’s nothing to be done.
GLORIA
Staff meeting at the radio, please?
JOSH
Yes, yes, talk that over. Must’ve been an awfully deep mine you were trapped in.
GLORIA
Okay, let me start this meeting by saying I am always pretty impressed by what we’re able to pull off in the course of one shift.
CASPAR
However.
GLORIA
Big rock.
LEIF
BIG rock.
AVA
Not small.
EFFIE
I’m still a little iffy on my metric system conversions y’all, how big is this rock exactly?
AVA
Imagine the Eiffel Tower.
EFFIE
Alright.
AVA
Now imagine thirty of them.
ZEBULON
Oh my.
ZEBULON (CONT’D)
Falling down on their heads?
LEIF
Yes.
GLORIA
Can I get the Readers Digest version of what’s going to happen exactly?
LEIF
Well, let’s see. 9.3 kilometers. Impact crater alone will be about-
AVA
150, 160.
LEIF
Miles wide.
AVA
Earthquakes around the planet registering 11 on the richter scale.
LEIF
But that’ll depend on how directly it hits.
AVA
Organic matter within a thousand miles of impact will be disintegrated.
LEIF
Landing in the ocean will cut you a little slack.
AVA
But then everyone gets 300 foot tsunamis.
LEIF
Impact wave, then fireball, then-
AVA
-Volcanic rock will launch into space then come back down all over the world.
LEIF
Then after all that will be creeping doom.
AVA
Ash cloud covers everything for three years. Freezing temperatures. Then after that, very high temperatures for a generation at least.
LEIF
And yes, that is the Reader’s Digest version.
GLORIA
They’re fucked.
LEIF
Not all of them.
AVA
There’ll be some lucky ones.
LEIF
“Lucky” is not the word I would look for.
AVA
They will have to live in a total hellscape for a very long time.
GLORIA
Well, I understand why everyone’s drunk now.
CASPAR
What are we supposed to do in this situation?
GLORIA
It doesn’t sound like there’s anything we can do. Damn.
ZEBULON
Gloria, if I may. Tragedy is coming to this planet quite soon. It weighs heavy. And there are all sorts of readings from Noah that I could engage in but perhaps I’ll just say this: What has God given them? What can be used?
LEIF
Time.
ZEBULON
Indeed. They have been given a warning, as did Noah. What can they do with this time and what can we do to help them with it?
DOOR CHIME.
MALLORY
Pardon me, I’m looking for a sloshed astrophysicist.
JOSH
Darling! There you are! I’m eating tacos!
MALLORY
I’ll alert the media, Dear.
JOSH
Everyone! This is my wife Mallory Mae the most brilliant astrophysicist in the realm.
GLORIA
Hi.
MALLORY
Hello all, I hope he hasn’t been too much of a burden.
GLORIA
No, it’s fine. I mean, considering everything that’s going on, it’s not surprising.
MALLORY
Josh, can we move along please? I’ve brought the car and I’d like to leave before it’s turned into a burning effigy by you and your friends.
JOSH
Mal, it’s the strangest thing. No one who works here had heard anything about Ashley.
MALLORY
Perhaps they’ve heard nothing about Ashley because there’s nothing to hear about Ashley.
JOSH
Don’t start again.
MALLORY
I’m sorry, all. You’re obviously on my side of this or you wouldn’t be here. No one opens a restaurant when they think they’re going to be obliterated in 14 months.
CASPAR
Your side of this?
MALLORY
Yes.
LEIF
Wait, you’re saying that an asteroid isn’t on a collision course with Earth?
MALLORY
It isn’t.
JOSH
It is.
MALLORY
Can you stop with this?
JOSH
I’ve seen it, Mal. Billions of people have seen it.
MALLORY
And billions of people haven’t. Don’t you think I would need to see it for it to be real?
JOSH
I don’t know why you can’t see it I just know that I can.
GLORIA
Hang on. Is there an asteroid headed for Earth or not?
JOSH
Yes.
MALLORY
No.
GLORIA
Okay. One of you start from the beginning.
MALLORY
Have you really not heard anything about this?
CASPAR
We’ve been on a camping trip.
MALLORY
For eight months?
CASPAR
We got lost.
GLORIA
Your husband told us that you two created an algorithm.
MALLORY
Yes, well, that’s where it started. We created a system where the data from every array on the planet coalesced into one data pool and from that pool we would be better able to identify NEOs. When we first got it up and running, he woke me up one night. “Darling, I’ve got one! I’ve named it Ashley!” Then it all went downhill from there.
JOSH
She couldn’t see it. I showed her an ocean of data and it was like it wasn’t even there. I thought I was losing my mind.
MALLORY
I thought I was losing my mind.
JOSH
We didn’t know what to do so I sent the data to... who did I send the data to first darling?
MALLORY
Curtis Charles, Sr. at SALT.
JOSH
Yes, yes, and Curtis said the same thing. Couldn’t see anything in the data. But then I sent another package to Paul A. Johnson at the GMT. He could see it.
MALLORY
And that began a rabid debate between every observatory in the world.
JOSH
Half of us could see it, half of us couldn’t.
MALLORY
We were split down the middle.
LEIF
Weird shit alert.
AVA
Um hm.
MALLORY
We had no idea what to do about it. So we all retreated to our respective corners, scratching our heads a bit. Come to find out all those who could see Ashley were meeting secretly online and sharing data. Data that we couldn’t see.
JOSH
We’d been arguing about it so much that we didn’t bother to calculate the trajectory. Once we did, well...
MALLORY
They went wider with their findings and it was the same reaction. Half could see it, half couldn’t.
JOSH
It all went tits up from that moment.
MALLORY
Institutions, then politicians, then world leaders. Half can see Ashley. The other half, like me, can’t see her at all.
JOSH
And I may have cocked it all up a few weeks ago when I went online and told the people of the world that if you can see Ashley to come here to Greenwich so that all who see her can be together.
LEIF
Maybe not the greatest idea.
JOSH
Yes, it involved many more flaming automobiles than I had expected. In my defense I had just recently discovered alcohol.
MALLORY
The whole world’s in chaos now. Half won’t come in to work and the other half don’t understand what on Earth they’re talking about.
EFFIE
Psst.
GLORIA
Uh, hang on just one second, okay?... What is it Effie?
EFFIE
This is the feeling I was speaking on before. Half doom and destruction and the other half confusion. Nothing but crossed wires.
CASPAR
How can one half of the whole planet see it but not the other?
GLORIA
Do you think this is what we were just talking about? More gravity wave damage?
CASPAR
I mean, who’s right? Are they all about to be obliterated or not?
AVA
Maybe, but I need to see more. I need to get to their observatory.
GLORIA
Ok.
LEIF
I should probably come.
GLORIA
Actually, Leif you stay here. Whatever you’ve got going on on the roof may be more advanced than what they have. We may need it.
LEIF
Good point.
GLORIA
Do you think they have a system you can hack into or something?
LEIF
For sure.
GLORIA
Okay, Ava and I will go to the observatory, Leif go up to the roof, Caspar’ll stay here and watch the diner.
AVA
I’m fine by myself.
GLORIA
I’m coming with you
AVA
Why?
CASPAR
Come on, you’ll go to the observatory and look at an asteroid, it’ll be like a Kate Bush video.
AVA
Please, no.
GLORIA
Hey, stargazers. We need to take a trip up to your observatory.
MALLORY
Why is that?
AVA
I need to see your data.
MALLORY
I beg your pardon?
AVA
I need to see if you’ve made any mistakes.
MALLORY
I beg your pardon again.
GLORIA
Here’s the thing. Ava here is a theoretical physicist who thinks that your problem may not be of the astrophysical variety, it may be more of a... something else problem. We would love to take a look at whatever data you have.
MALLORY
We’ve just met you, why would we let you into our observatory?
AVA
Because I’m smarter than you-
GLORIA
-Because... because let’s face it. You have no solutions and you have drifted into “crazy idea territory”. Crazy ideas like “let’s let some strangers into the observatory”.
JOSH
I think it sounds lovely darling, I think you should do it.
MALLORY
And you’re the best judge of things, are you?
JOSH
Not at all but you know... stopped clock, twice a day, all that.
MALLORY
Fuck it, let’s go.
JOSH
Good luck!
MALLORY
You’re coming, too, Dudley Moore, pick yourself up.
JOSH
Oh no, darling I can’t. I’ve got a very busy pre-doomsday schedule. Many things I’m excited about.
MALLORY
Josh-
JOSH
This week I’m doing all stereotypically British things. I was going to go on a fox hunt.
MALLORY
You are not going on a fox hunt.
JOSH
I’m going to change my name to Churlington Beesecoat and go on a fox hunt. Talk to stately gentlemen about how we must do something about this Gandhi fellow.
MALLORY
Josh.
JOSH
...Alright, alright, off we go.
THE SOUND OF LEIF’S COMMAND CENTER ON THE ROOF POWERING UP. LEIF IS TYPING ON A KEYBOARD.
LEIF
God, I love a command center. I’m so glad Gloria let me set this up. I can get so much done now.
CASPAR
Do you have a long list of guys you’re going to blow up?
LEIF
Still not off that huh?
CASPAR
Oh, I’m going to be on it for a while.
ZEBULON
Leif, how often do things such as this occur?
LEIF
Rocks are hitting the Earth all the time, just not on this scale. You didn’t have any meteors come down in the Arkansas countryside?
ZEBULON
Hmm
EFFIE
Hmmmmm
ZEBULON
Jon Dew.
EFFIE
Oh my, Jon Dew and his exploding chicken.
ZEBULON
Lost a whole chicken coop and multiple chickens, Jon did.
EFFIE
He tried to pluck those chickens and sell them, do you remember that?
ZEBULON
Yes, we were not going to eat any sort of chicken that was murdered by the sky.
EFFIE
Absolutely not.
LEIF
It would happen on Earth a lot more but Jupiter is always grabbing them. Earth would look a lot different if Jupiter wasn’t there.
CASPAR
Have you ever seen something like this happen?
LEIF
World killer? No. Most civilizations that are interstellar have deflection systems.
CASPAR
You ever feel like we only exist because of a streak of really good luck?
LEIF
That’s most things, I think.
EFFIE
Of course we would call that streak of luck something else, wouldn’t we Caspar?
CASPAR
Okay, Jesus people, please thank Jesus for deflecting the asteroids from Earth for so long.
ZEBULON
That’s exactly what I shall do.
LEIF
Now I’m just picturing Jesus in orbit, deflecting asteroids superman-style.
CASPAR
Put THAT in a stained-glass window.
LEIF
(Typing)
Okay. Up on the Royal Observatory’s website... Locating the staff login... Hello Royal Observatory firewall and... goodbye Royal Observatory firewall... Okay let’s see what we can see... Holy Shit.
MALLORY, ADAM, AVA, AND GLORIA ARE IN MALLORY’S CAR HEADED FOR THE OBSERVATORY. THE NEWS IS ON THE RADIO.
NEWSCASTER
...The world continues to reel in what is now being referred to as “The Ashley Effect”. Small communities have begun to appear all over the globe made up of those who believe that the world is coming to an end. The most famous of these communities is here in Greenwich, where raucous parties have been raging for a month now. We spoke to the leader of the Greenwich group, Joshua Webster...
JOSH
(On the radio.)
Many people have said that this is some sort of outburst of irrational behavior and immaturity and I would simply like to say to them: you are correct. We are all terrified and we are acting like giant children in the face imminent doom-
MALLORY TURNS OFF THE RADIO.
JOSH (CONT’D)
Not my proudest moment. Apologies.
GLORIA
So... How long have you two been married?
MALLORY
Five years.
JOSH
Five was the wood anniversary. I got you salad bowls.
MALLORY
I remember, dear.
GLORIA
How long has he been out here drinking?
MALLORY
About three months now. He’ll be out for several days then come back and we’ll fight about Ashley and then he’ll be off again.
AVA
Ashley is an odd name for a world-killing asteroid.
JOSH
My intentions were good.
MALLORY
We would talk about having kids one day and we said we wanted a girl and to name her Ashley. He was trying to be sweet.
GLORIA
Jesus, why are so many things on fire?
JOSH
It’s interesting isn’t it? When faced with encroaching doom, people get in touch with their deepest desires. Those things they suppress. Did they all decide to finally tell the people they love how they truly feel? No. Turns out their deepest desire was to incinerate their neighbor’s Peugeot. Strange people, us.
AVA
So, tell me how this works. You look at the screen and see something and she looks at the screen and sees nothing?
JOSH
That is correct.
MALLORY
And it’s the same globally. People either see it or they don’t.
AVA
Weird. Anything you haven’t tried?
MALLORY
Flying out past Jupiter and seeing it for ourselves.
JOSH
I’m sorry, did you say you were a theoretical physicist?
AVA
Yes.
JOSH
Are... Are you Dr. Ava Maddox?
AVA
I... Yes.
JOSH
Darling, it’s Ava Maddox.
MALLORY
In the back seat of our car?
JOSH
Apparently. I knew I recognized your voice, we listened to your lecture on, what was it, love?
MALLORY
Magnetars. The jokes were quite funny.
AVA
Thank you.
JOSH
Where have you been? We’d heard you left Cornell for some reason.
AVA
Yes, I did.
JOSH
Whatever for?
AVA
Well, I went to New Brunswick, New Jersey and I never came back.
MALLORY
I’ve no idea where that is but could we disappear there and never come back?
GLORIA
Careful what you wish for.
MALLORY
I’ve no idea why you’re here, but I’m grateful for fresh eyes on the problem. Any idea why this could be happening?
AVA
No idea.
JOSH
Were you subject to the usual shite life of academia as we were? Is that why you left?
AVA
My colleagues didn’t like the idea of me disproving their theories.
JOSH
Ah! Theory assassination, how dare you? Which theories have you set your crosshairs on?
AVA
All of them.
MALLORY
Here we are.
THEY GET OUT OF THE CAR.
GLORIA
Oh, “Big Onion”. Now I get it.
JOSH
We may not have the most powerful telescope in the world but we do have the most onion-like telescope in the world.
GLORIA
As a cook, I appreciate this.
MALLORY
My bloody key card isn’t working again.
JOSH
Probably all the power outages. Very hard to keep the lights on when only half of everyone in the world shows up in the morning for work.
MALLORY
Oh, open, you wanker!
LEIF
(In the intercom.)
Sorry, my bad. I had to co-opt your security system nose-to-tail. Door’s open now.
MALLORY
Who is that?
GLORIA
That’s Leif. He’s our technology guy.
MALLORY
Why does your cafe have a “technology guy”?
AVA
Deep fryers.
GLORIA
Thanks, Leif.
LEIF
Get in there. Crazy shit going on.
GLORIA
Fantastic.
THEY WALK INTO THE OBSERVATORY. LEIF HAS ALREADY STARTED UP THEIR ENTIRE SYSTEM.
LEIF
Apologies to our new friends. I promise I didn’t look at any personal info, though I did come across the mother load of Blake’s 7 fan fiction from someone named “Sir Cat Dad”.
JOSH
That’s me. Little project of mine.
LEIF
Respect.
GLORIA
What did you find, Leif?
LEIF
I’ll bring it up on the monitors.
JOSH
There it is, that’s all our data.
GLORIA
What am I supposed to see here? I see a bunch of text and numbers.
LEIF
You do? Okay good.
AVA
I don’t see anything.
MALLORY
Neither do I.
AVA
Wait, what are you seeing?
GLORIA
I’m seeing a bunch of data on the screen, I guess.
JOSH
As do I.
AVA
Leif, is that what you’re seeing?
LEIF
Yep.
CASPAR
(In the intercom.)
I don’t see anything either, I don’t know what the hell Leif is talking about.
AVA
What the fuck?
GLORIA
So we’ve got three people seeing it and three people not seeing it.
MALLORY
Well, that’s wonderful.
AVA
Leif, tell me what I can’t see.
GLORIA
Also tell me what I CAN see, I don’t understand any of this.
AVA
There’s nothing there.
LEIF
That’s coordinates, basically. Eccentricity, semi-major axis, mean motion, etcetera.
GLORIA
Anything I can see?
LEIF
The pictures are pretty low-res. It’s not going to look like it does in the movies.
GLORIA
Let me see.
JOSH
There she is, that’s our little mass-murderer.
MALLORY
You can’t see it either?
AVA
No.
GLORIA
Okay, Leif, I need to look a problem in the eye, is there any way you can get me a better image of this thing?
CASPAR
There’s nothing to get an image of, Gloria.
GLORIA
Hush, Caspar.
LEIF
Not really. There’s nothing to take a picture with.
AVA
Juno’s out there.
LEIF
Right. Juno. Juno’s pointed at Jupiter though. If I wanted to take a picture of an asteroid from Juno I would need to somehow be out there piloting it myself.
CASPAR
To take a picture of something you don’t even know is there.
LEIF
Schrödinger’s fucking asteroid.
AVA
I hate this.
LEIF
Ava, any thoughts?
AVA
Yes, I hate this.
CASPAR
Half of us see nothing, half of us see something, who’s right?
AVA
Goddamn it.
MALLORY
Fascinating to see you all do a speed run of our arguments for the past several months.
GLORIA
Leif, what about our uh... friends. What are they seeing?
LEIF
Mucklewains, what are you seeing right now?
CASPAR
Mucklewains?
LEIF
Effie? Zebulon?
CASPAR
Shit.
LEIF
The Mucklewains have gone dark.
GLORIA
Where the hell did they get off to?
AVA
They’ll be back.
MALLORY
Who are your friends?
GLORIA
They’re uh... you know what? One unexplainable thing at a time.
LEIF
What’s our plan of action here?
GLORIA
We don’t have one. Anyone? Come on, no bad ideas?
CASPAR
How about only bad ideas?
GLORIA
Fine, go.
CASPAR
Well, I was thinking, when we got all the zombies into the diner, after spending enough time here they were cured. Somehow the diner washed that man right out of their hair. What if I got a bunch of the rioter-slash-partiers out there to come in here for a while. What if that makes them stop seeing the asteroid?
GLORIA
How are you going to get them in there?
CASPAR
The best way to get anyone to go anywhere, free booze.
GLORIA
Okay, good luck.
MALLORY
What on Earth is he talking about?
GLORIA
We need to give him busy work, he likes to feel included.
CASPAR
I heard that.
AVA
All of this is infuriating. I need to go think somewhere. Where’s your go thinking place?
MALLORY
How about the equatorial room, that’s where I go.
AVA
Show me the way.
GLORIA
Caspar, don’t let them destroy the place, okay?
CASPAR
We literally went through a black hole one time.
GLORIA
I’ve been in the food service industry my whole life, Caspar, I have cleaned up puke for the last time.
CASPAR
I’m 173 years old, Gloria, technically I’ve been in the food service industry longer than you.
GLORIA
Then why are you so bad at it?
CASPAR
Fair point.
JOSH
I didn’t vomit in your restaurant did I?
GLORIA
You didn’t.
JOSH
Oh, lovely. An interesting place I’ve found myself in: not remembering if I’ve vomited.
GLORIA
We’ve all been there.
JOSH
I know it may seem ridiculous, seeing as how there’s a asteroid the size of Guam headed for earth, but the worst part of all of this has been her inability to see it.
GLORIA
That does seem ridiculous.
JOSH
We share everything, you see? We should share the end as well.
GLORIA
Josh, look. I don’t see any way out of this situation right now. But do me favor. Call something “the end” when it ends. Not before that.
JOSH
The ever present American optimism.
GLORIA
Hey. That’s Mexican-American optimism.
JOSH
Apologies.
WE TRANSITION TO DEEP SPACE. HE HEAR THE RHYTHMIC BEEPING OF A SATELLITE.
EFFIE
Uhhh, Dear?
ZEBULON
... Yes?
EFFIE
Where... we are...
ZEBULON
Yes.
EFFIE
We are in the heavens.
ZEBULON
Yes.
EFFIE
We appear to be circling a celestial body.
ZEBULON
There certainly does not seem to be another explanation for our current whereabouts.
EFFIE
It is a very large celestial body.
ZEBULON
I’ve never seen something so large.
EFFIE
There is just... nothing around us.
ZEBULON
Nothing save for the very large celestial body we are looking down on.
EFFIE
I look to the left of me, I look to the right and there is just... Hoo, that makes me a little dizzy.
ZEBULON
One does become accustomed to ground being under ones feet.
EFFIE
We weren’t doing too much walking around but it was nice knowing that the ground was there.
ZEBULON
I am certainly missing its absence.
EFFIE
What, pray tell, are we doing here?
ZEBULON
Seems one minute we were talking with our friends and the next...
EFFIE
Did someone push the wrong button or some such?
ZEBULON
If so, that was a very wrong button for them to push.
EFFIE
... It is so quiet out here.
ZEBULON
A church mouse is a brass band compared to the brand of quietude that we are currently experiencing.
EFFIE
... What are we doing out here, Zebulon?
ZEBULON
We must assume it is part of God’s plan, must we not?
EFFIE
Any time the Lord would like to send along some instructions with his plans would be just fine by me.
ZEBULON
I’m afraid two stone tablets is all we get.
EFFIE
There is nothing in those commandments that accounts for us suddenly being whipped around a big old planet out here in this inky blackness.
ZEBULON
There is not.
EFFIE
So...
ZEBULON
So... something should be done.
EFFIE
Yes.
ZEBULON
Should we try shouting for help?
WE TRANSITION BACK TO THE ROOF.
CASPAR
Okay. I’m doing tequila poppers and apps. It’s going to be... honestly I don’t even know what it’s going to be, it’s not going to be pretty. Everyone thinks they’re going to die and I’m giving them MORE alcohol.
LEIF
Sorry I can’t help out, Gloria’s got me on asteroid duty.
CASPAR
Okay, you’re saying if I plug in this monitor downstairs it will show me live info on the asteroid?
LEIF
And if they stop seeing it, that means it worked. Or something.
CASPAR
Okay. Saying a quick prayer that this does not turn into an orgy.
LEIF
Orgies are so awkward, I never know where to look.
CASPAR
Okay... man... seriously? So many things I don’t want to know.
LEIF
Sorry. If it’s any consolation, you do not look like the kind of guy who throws an orgy.
CASPAR
Thank you for that. But also, y’know, a little disappointed in myself.
LEIF
Good luck.
CASPAR CLIMBS DOWN THE LADDER. LEIF BEINGS TYPING CODE.
EFFIE
...Leif.
LEIF
(Still typing.)
Hey guys. Where’ve you been?
ZEBULON
We have...
EFFIE
We are not currently...
ZEBULON
With you.
LEIF
I mean, you two being in my life has brought up all sorts of existential dilemmas, so when you say to me that you’re not really here my response is: that’s true and what does that even mean?
ZEBULON
Leif, we are not there.
LEIF
I know, but also-
EFFIE
Leif, we are very certainly in another place and it is very certainly not with you.
LEIF
What do you mean? You’re talking to me out of a speaker like you always do.
EFFIE
Leif, turn around. Is the radio just over yonder?
LEIF
Yes.
EFFIE
Are we speaking out of it?
LEIF
... No.
EFFIE
Why do you think that is?
LEIF
I don’t know. Wait. Where is it you’re saying you are?
EFFIE
... Up.
LEIF
Up. Can you be more specific?
EFFIE
Look up.
LEIF
Okay.
EFFIE
We’re up there.
LEIF
Are you... you’re saying you’re in space?
EFFIE
Yes.
LEIF
Where?
EFFIE
Leif.
ZEBULON
There do not appear to be any road signs, Leif.
EFFIE
We appear to be inside of some sort of contraption.
ZEBULON
And we are constantly circling some sort of very, very large celestial body.
LEIF
You’re inside a probe?
EFFIE
Leif, I don’t know what this thing is called, you may as well call it a canoe.
LEIF
Um. Weird. Okay. Give me something on the planet you’re circling.
ZEBULON
It has an eye.
LEIF
An eye.
ZEBULON
And it is looking at us.
LEIF
Wait. Shit. A red one?
ZEBULON
A very large red one, Leif.
LEIF
Oh my God. Horizontal lines across the whole planet? Huge dust storms?
ZEBULON
Yes!
LEIF
Ha! Fucking amazing. You’re in Juno.
ZEBULON
What is a Juno?
LEIF
It’s a probe, currently in a mission around the planet Jupiter. I was talking about it earlier and it looks like you two just sort of showed up there.
EFFIE
Well what the heck are we doing here?
LEIF
Believe it or not, you may be saving the day.
ZEBULON
Oh, well that sounds nice, though it would be nice to save the day and then also to leave this place because, it...
EFFIE
We are currently terrified, Leif. We are out here in this big old nothing with our cheeks hanging in the breeze.
LEIF
Okay, just give me a minute, I need to try and track down your frequency. Just so you know I am completely ignoring the fact that a radio signal from Jupiter takes 40 minutes to get here and we are currently talking in real time. Not even going there. That’s growth for me.
EFFIE
Cheeks in the breeze, Leif!
LEIF
Okay. Oh, look at that. Look at that... I’ve got full control of this probe. This is great.
ZEBULON
We do not currently feel “great” about any aspect of this, Leif.
LEIF
I’m going to do something, tell me if you feel anything.
EFFIE
Like what– OH MY!
ZEBULON
Oh dear!
EFFIE
We are turning. I do not like it.
ZEBULON
We are definitely feeling something!
LEIF
Okay, that’s it. It was just a test, I just adjusted your position a little bit.
EFFIE
Why did “a little bit” feel like I was getting my soul pulled up out of my body?
LEIF
That’s deep space for you. Nothing like it. I remember my first time. Barnard 68. You think you’re in the inky blackness right now, I should tell you about Barnard 68 some time.
EFFIE
Leif, no attempts to make small talk with us please.
LEIF
Sorry. Look, it’s great, somehow you two have sent me the control protocols for the Juno probe. I need to build an interface. Gloria, are you there?
GLORIA
(In the intercom.)
Yeah, what?
LEIF
You’re not going to believe this.
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A MASSIVE TELESCOPE BEING ADJUSTED.
MALLORY
This was mainly a museum for the longest time until the AMAT was properly set up. Built in the 15th century by Charles II. The Merry Monarch. He was always having a laugh, Charles II. I wonder sometimes if our dome looks like an onion because he thought it would be funny.
AVA
Are you giving me a tour?
MALLORY
Sorry. When I’m having a think I always ask Josh to distract me so I can come back to what I was thinking about with fresh eyes.
AVA
Okay... good. Keep going.
MALLORY
Oh. Right. Um... Charles II was the first king to allow women on stage. The most approachable of the monarchs, apparently. Was willing to sit and have a chat with anyone...
AVA
This is good, this is working.
MALLORY
What are you doing here, Ava?
AVA
What do you mean?
MALLORY
You know what I mean. You show up in an American style cafe in Greenwich after disappearing suddenly?
AVA
It’s not disappearing if no one notices.
MALLORY
We noticed. A lot of us did. Rumor was you had revolutionary findings that the establishment rejected. But then you disappeared and never published your findings. You’re a bit of a mythical beast these days. You have a nickname and everything.
AVA
Is it a good one?
MALLORY
“The Dissapearicist.”
AVA
Not bad.
MALLORY
If the world wasn’t ending-slash-not ending right now, I’d be telling everyone that Ava Maddox is standing in my equatorial room... What happened?
AVA
...The Big Bounce Theory. What do you know about it?
MALLORY
Nobody knows anything about it, it’s a nascent theory. I think it’s fascinating but we’re years off from knowing anything.
AVA
I’m not.
MALLORY
... Really?
AVA
I had a friend. She was fired for basically being a big mess, and her work was a big mess but it was also brilliant. She was never going to work again so she dumped it all on me. I sifted through it, finished it, and when I got to the end I realized that people should probably stop saying the words “Big Bang”, because the bang is just part of it. The picture is much bigger.
MALLORY
You confirmed the Big Bounce Theory?
AVA
As much as anyone can confirm anything in theoretics, yes.
MALLORY
And they rejected your findings.
AVA
Yes.
MALLORY
Why?
AVA
Name for me a revolutionary idea in science that wasn’t initially rejected.
MALLORY
And so what? You just fucked off to, where was it, New Brunswick, New Jersey?
AVA
Not at first. The Big Bounce Theory was just the tip of the iceberg.
MALLORY
What is the rest of the iceberg?
AVA
The Big Bounce Theory, damage to the fabric of space time, and a shifting point of null entropy. That’s the full picture. I’m just trying to weave them together.
MALLORY
And you thought no one would listen to that?
AVA
I didn’t care if anyone listened. I needed to find out. And then I took a long strange trip to New Brunswick, New Jersy, I met two weirdos named Caspar and Leif, and here I am now. I realize that doesn’t make sense to you, but it does to me. That’s all that matters to me anymore.
JOSH
(On the Public Address System)
Hello Darling. Josh here on the Public Address. Don’t fret, though, I am under strict orders from Gloria: she would like you both to come back to the command center, there been some new developments. Also I’ve begun calling our offices “The Command Center.” Also I’ve discovered a bottle of sherry and I deeply apologize for how much of it I’ve drank already.
MALLORY
New developments. Maybe they’re good ones?
AVA
Who knows?
MALLORY
The Big Bounce, damage to space time, and a shifting point of null entropy. That’s quite a list.
AVA
That and a woman named Clementine, but that’s another story.
MALLORY
Clementine?
AVA
Yes.
MALLORY
You know, it’s the funniest thing.
AVA
What? Wait... A while back you met a woman named Clementine.
MALLORY
We did.
AVA
And after you met her, everything went nuts.
MALLORY
Actually. Now that you mention it.
AVA
Goddamnit.
IN THE “COMMAND CENTER.” WE HEAR DANCE MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND.
ZEBULON
It’s overwhelming to take it all in like this. The more I look, the more stars I see. Each one its own world with its own horizon. Is there someone like me on that distant star? Someone who looks up and wonders as we did for so long? To think that all this was created- but then so were we dear. To be a part of this great sweep of creation-
EFFIE
Dear, there are only so many ruminations on God’s creation that I am built to take in at this moment.
GLORIA
Okay, so Effie and Zebulon somehow ended up in a satellite?
LEIF
Like that’s the weirdest place we’ve found them.
GLORIA
Okay, but why does this help us?
LEIF
I can adjust Juno to take pictures of Ashley the Asteroid. We’ll get a lot better coverage and better data this way. I can target trajectory, check for anomalies. Also, we can check if, y’know, it even exists in the first place.
GLORIA
How much time?
LEIF
I’m processing right now.
GLORIA
Let me know. Caspar, how is Operation: Idiotic going?
CASPAR
Gloria, I may have been a little over-confidant after my stupid idea worked so well with the shopzies.
GLORIA
We’re not calling them that.
CASPAR
The entire inside of the diner has turned into a scene from Fellini Satyricon, I don’t know how I’m going to get them out of there now.
JOSH
Forgive me but, who are Effie and Zebulon?
DOOR SWINGS OPEN.
AVA
Fucking Clementine.
GLORIA
She’s here?
AVA
No, but she was. Tell them.
MALLORY
Well, I was just telling Ava about an interesting woman we encountered, do you remember Clementine dear?
JOSH
Oh yes, Clementine. I remember Clementine. It was the name that struck us, wasn’t it, dear?
MALLORY
We were down at the pub and she approached us out of nowhere. American girl, very strange.
JOSH
VERY strange. Had all manner of knowledge about Weimar Berlin but didn’t know what a coaster was.
MALLORY
She came up to our table and started chatting us up. As soon as we told her what we do, told her about near earth objects and how we like to hunt them down, she latched onto us like she was a barnacle and we were a humpback.
JOSH
Question after question after question. Wanted to know everything about asteroids and how we find them and especially interested in world-killers.
MALLORY
We were there for hours.
JOSH
That night when we came home was when we dreamt up the algorithm.
MALLORY
What does she have to do with any of this?
AVA
I don’t know.
JOSH
There was one bit, probably nothing.
AVA
What?
JOSH
It was late at night when I discovered Ashley. I wasn’t looking for a near earth object, I was actually looking for nothing. I was calibrating the system by first seeing what nothing looks like. So I observed an area of space where I knew there was nothing. Then, in that blank space in that sky, suddenly I saw Ashley.
AVA
She’s doing this.
GLORIA
How?
MALLORY
What do you mean?
AVA
I don’t know.
LEIF
She made a world-killing asteroid that can only been seen by half of Earth, why would she do that?
JOSH
I’m sorry, we’re saying this woman has some sort of magical powers?
AVA
She wouldn’t do it on purpose.
GLORIA
She did it without knowing she was doing it?
AVA
Jesus Christ.
MALLORY
I’m very confused at this moment.
AVA
Oh, Jesus Christ.
GLORIA
Ava?
AVA
Hang on... Hang on... Okay, for the first time in my life, I hope I’m wrong.
GLORIA
What’s wrong?
AVA
Leif, you’ve been scanning every universe we go to, right?
LEIF
Yeah.
AVA
Are you done with this one?
LEIF
Yeah, it’s ready.
AVA
Put it up on one of the monitors here.
LEIF
Sending it.
MALLORY
Every universe? What are you talking about?
AVA
I promise I’ll answer all your questions later, okay? Right now I just need you to go with me.
JOSH
It’s exciting, dear, let’s go with her.
MALLORY
Go on, then.
AVA
You’re both astrophysicists, you’ve probably looked at the cosmic microwave background a million times, right?
MALLORY
Yes.
AVA
You know what it looks like?
JOSH
It used to be my screensaver.
AVA
Okay. Leif?
LEIF
It’s up.
AVA
Both of you, look at this. What do you see?
MALLORY
That’s the cosmic microwave background.
JOSH
No it isn’t.
MALLORY
What?
JOSH
That’s not the cosmic microwave background, Dear. It’s A cosmic microwave background but it’s not ours. Look, there’s this bit here, that’s new. There’s a little part here that looks like Spongebob, hello Spongebob.
MALLORY
I don’t see any of that, what are you looking at?
JOSH
I’m looking at what you’re looking at.
MALLORY
God, it’s happening again.
AVA
Holy shit.
GLORIA
What’s going on, Ava?
AVA
I showed them both a map of their universe. They’re seeing two different universes.
GLORIA
But they’re in the same place.
AVA
I know.
GLORIA
How is that possible?
AVA
It’s not... I think Clementine... I can’t believe I’m saying this... I think Clementine has taken two universes and crammed them together.
GLORIA
Crammed them together?
LEIF
That’s impossible.
AVA
Yes, I know.
LEIF
She can’t do that.
AVA
Yes, I know.
MALLORY
You’re saying this strange woman we met has done this?
AVA
Yes, I am.
MALLORY
That’s ludicrous.
AVA
Yes, it is.
JOSH
I also think that’s ludicrous and I’m completely pissed.
MALLORY
How... how would she even do that?
AVA
I don’t know. And I don’t think she knows either.
GLORIA
This was an accident?
AVA
What logical reason would she have to do this?
GLORIA
Ava, how can two universes exist in the same place?
AVA
They can’t! This is what I’m trying to tell you. She’s breaking things. She’s... unraveling everything.
LEIF
You’re sure it’s not on purpose?
EFFIE
If I may just chime in while we are dangling out here in the beyond?
GLORIA
What is it Effie?
JOSH
There’s that voice again, there’s mystery voices coming from somewhere, Darling.
MALLORY
At what point should I stop asking questions and just let this complete nonsense wash over me?
GLORIA
Right about now.
MALLORY
Very well.
EFFIE
Gloria, this woman was afraid and angry but she had plans she was working on. This doesn’t appear to be part of any plan.
ZEBULON
Yes, and though she appears to be more powerful than anything we’ve encountered, everything in her comportment showed her to be human. Like us.
If any of us were given this power, would we be so adept at using it? Would we not make mistakes?
GLORIA
We’re talking about a lot here, we need to stick a pin in most of it and focus on the problem.
LEIF
Big rock.
GLORIA
BIG rock.
AVA
Not small.
EFFIE
Might we add “getting Effie and Zebulon out of this contraption” to this list?
GLORIA
Sorry, that too.
JOSH
Sorry all but... are you saying there’s nothing wrong with me? Nothing wrong with half of the planet?
AVA
No, there isn’t. Everyone on Earth has been put in a LITERALLY impossible position. In 14 months an asteroid is going to hit the planet and cause massive destruction. But it will only happen to half of you.
MALLORY
That doesn’t-
AVA
I know it doesn’t make any sense.
JOSH
So Mallory and myself could be standing at ground zero for this asteroid strike and I will be completely disintegrated while she just stands there wondering where I went?
AVA
Yes.
JOSH
How are we meant to function in a world like that?
GLORIA
We don’t know.
CASPAR
Okay, I’m back. The party has dispersed downstairs. Someone brought in a live sheep and threw the whole vibe off. Apparently there are some things that are even too weird for the apocalypse. In a nutshell: experiment failed. What are we talking about?
GLORIA
Turns out there is and isn’t an asteroid.
CASPAR
What?
GLORIA
It’s looking like Clementine has somehow crashed two realities together. For half the planet the asteroid is coming, for the other half it isn’t coming.
CASPAR
So both things are happening-slash-not happening?
GLORIA
Yes.
CASPAR
I bet Ava loves this.
AVA
Shut up.
CASPAR
So what are we doing now? Can we do anything?
LEIF
Hang on, I’ve got data coming in... Okay. Nice work, Mucklewains.
EFFIE
We’re just sitting here, Leif.
LEIF
I’ve got eyes on Ashley and you’re not going to believe this.
GLORIA
Send it here.
LEIF
Check it out...
GLORIA
Wait...
LEIF
It’s not one asteroid it’s two smaller asteroids. They’re rotating around each other in such close proximity that they look like one asteroid from far away.
JOSH
Darling, it’s twins!
GLORIA
Okay, that’s interesting but isn’t that the same amount of destruction as one big one?
LEIF
Uh. Yes.
GLORIA
Great work, Leif.
LEIF
But... BUT now we have something to work with, don’t we asteroid experts?
MALLORY
Centrifugal force?
LEIF
That’s right. The Mucklewains have given me control of the Juno probe. And guess what Juno has?
JOSH
A thruster?
LEIF
That’s right.
JOSH
Juno has to dip in and out of Jupiter’s obit to avoid getting singed by radiation, so it has a heavy thruster on it.
CASPAR
Hang on. Are we ramming the Mucklewains into an asteroid, because that would be funny.
LEIF
This is what I’m thinking.
EFFIE
Leif, not in one million of the Lord’s years are you going to treat us like some sort of celestial cue ball to be hit with your stick!
LEIF
It’ll be fine.
JOSH
I say it’s a fine idea, but calculations such as those would take years.
LEIF
Don’t worry about it.
GLORIA
You want to ram an asteroid with the Mucklewains?
ZEBULON
To say I have objections would be perhaps understating it a bit.
LEIF
Gloria, look, if we did this we can cut the destruction in half. It would still be an epic disaster, but if I can push one of these asteroids out of the way, that may contain the damage to one quarter of the globe.
GLORIA
Destroying one quarter of the globe is good news?
LEIF
In this scenario? Yes.
ZEBULON
We are to be turned into some sort of battering ram?
GLORIA
What’s going to happen to Effie and Zebulon?
LEIF
My guess is they’ll be fine.
EFFIE
Oh, your guess? You’re just going to embrace wild speculation when it comes to our well-being?
LEIF
Hey, you got yourselves out there, I’m sure you can get yourselves back.
EFFIE
Don’t talk to me like you know what you’re talking about, Leif.
LEIF
I’m working with what I’ve got here.
ZEBULON
Dear, I believe what Leif is trying to tell us, is that if we do this, lives will be saved. Is that right, Leif?
LEIF
The damage can be cut in half if we give one of these asteroids a shove at the right time.
EFFIE
Aw, snails!... Alright, Leif. Load us into your cannon and fire us across the circus tent.
LEIF
Starting calculations.
GLORIA
Is this really going to work, Leif?
LEIF
Slamming a probe into a space rock? That’s where I live.
CASPAR
The best part about this, is that Josh and Mallory are across the room right now and have no idea what the hell is going on.
MALLORY
Hello.
JOSH
It’s true I have no idea what on Earth is happening but I am suddenly feeling strangely hopeful.
MALLORY
I’m just feeling strange.
GLORIA
So, Leif, assuming this works, what kind of destruction are we looking at now?
LEIF
If I pull this off we go from world-killing asteroid to really terrible global crisis asteroid.
GLORIA
That doesn’t sound much better.
LEIF
No, trust me, it is. Planets can take a pretty big punch without losing atmosphere. If they can manage to evacuate the area of the globe the asteroid’s going to hit, they might come out okay for the most part. It’ll be several years of tough times, but they can get through it.
GLORIA
Okay, that’s the next thing, we need to know where it’s going to hit.
MALLORY
Those kind of calculations are nearly impossible-
LEIF
Got it right here.
JOSH
Who is this man?
LEIF
Western Australia.
MALLORY
Lord... There goes that trip to the outback we were going to take.
LEIF
As asteroid strikes go, it could be worse. I was hoping for the south Atlantic but, Western Australia’s got a lot of open space. Not much population to evacuate.
JOSH
But the aftermath.
LEIF
Yeah. I’m guessing three years of winter for the whole planet and a whole lot of environmental repercussions.
GLORIA
But only for half of the planet?
LEIF
Yeah. In this strange new world that Clementine has created, this is only going to happen for half the population.
GLORIA
What is that even going to look like?
LEIF
No idea.
AVA
I’ve got some ideas. Leif should get going with the Mucklewains, we’ll do the other stuff.
GLORIA
Okay. Effie, Zebulon, we love you very much. Please remember that as Leif launches you head first into a real big rock.
EFFIE
I feel at times that our Christian inclination for forgiveness is being taken advantage of.
GLORIA
It definitely is. Good luck.
LEIF
I’m going to sign off. I’ll let you know when we’re ready to launch.
WE MOVE BACK TO THE ROOF OF THE DINER.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Okay, team. Let play asteroid snooker.
EFFIE
Leif, I know your intentions are good but I must tell you that I have never wanted to whup someone so badly as I do now.
LEIF
I validate your feelings.
CASPAR
Petition to start calling them The Misslewains?
ZEBULON
Petition denied.
LEIF
Hang on tight, you two. I’m going to have to adjust your position a little bit. You’re going to be turning away from Jupiter and into deep space. Are you ready?
EFFIE
Of course we’re not ready.
ZEBULON
Take my hand, dear.
LEIF
Here we go, just a gentle turn.
WE HEAR CORRECTION THRUSTERS FIRING ON THE PROBE.
EFFIE
Lord lord lord lord lord lord lord lord.
LEIF
Okay, that’s it. How does that feel?
EFFIE
Real damn bad, excuse my language!
ZEBULON
I now miss facing the planet with the large eye.
LEIF
Okay. Hang there for a few minutes, I need to check fuel levels.
CASPAR
Effie, I’m not going to lie and say I’m not enjoying this but I want you to know I am enjoying it less than you think I am.
EFFIE
Caspar I can sense that smug look on your face and HOO BOY.
LEIF
Okay. I am beginning the countdown...
BACK AT THE EQUATORIAL ROOM, MALLORY ADJUSTS THE TELESCOPE.
JOSH
There you are.
MALLORY
It’s a clear night. I thought I would adjust the scope and see if I can get a look at her... I suppose now it’s “them”.
JOSH
You can’t see them, love.
MALLORY
I know... Do you understand anything that’s happening right now?
JOSH
Not at all.
MALLORY
You seem to be taking it much better than I am.
JOSH
I know I am, dear. But that’s only because I’m still quite inebriated.
MALLORY
Are they really going to smash the Juno Probe into an asteroid that only half of Earth can see?
JOSH
I believe they are. The strangest part is that they appear to do this sort of thing all the time.
MALLORY
And who are they exactly?
JOSH
I’ve no idea. But I’m glad they’re here. Do you think it’s all madness?
MALLORY
It’s been madness since you discovered Ashley. The world’s been torn apart. Whoever these Americans are, they’ve told us that the madness is real. It’s not in our heads. At least there’s that.
JOSH
And that it all has something to do with an odd woman we met at the pub?
MALLORY
Do you understand why I’m going along with all this?
JOSH
Because we’ve no options.
MALLORY
Because it’s been torture, Joshua. To suddenly be living in two different worlds has been torture.
JOSH
Well you don’t want to be living in my world. There’s a large asteroid headed for my world.
MALLORY
I’d prefer that world. Do you understand that? I’d prefer to be in a dying world with you than a thriving one without you... Not to make it an Adele song but that’s truly how I feel.
JOSH
I feel they same, Mal. Truly. But even after all the nonsense that’s gone on today I still don’t know what to do about it.
GLORIA
Hey, you two.
AVA
Let’s do a quick experiment.
JOSH
Do you need to strap me to anything?
AVA
No. Here, take this notepad and this pencil.
JOSH
Very well.
AVA
In the notepad, I want you to draw a picture of Ashley from memory, or both Ashleys I guess, since there’s two of them now.
JOSH
Why am I doing this?
AVA
I’m trying to see something.
JOSH
Seeing something. Right. Luckily I have superior drawing skills. Here we go.
JOSH SKETCHES IN THE SKETCH BOOK.
JOSH (CONT’D)
One of them is quite fat in the middle while the other one has a bit of a curve to it. Big crater right in the middle of the fat one. And there are some meteoroids traveling along with them, bits a pieces... There we are.
AVA
Great. Now show it to Mallory.
JOSH
Here they are, Dear. It’s our girls. Aren’t they lovely?
AVA
Mallory, can you see that?
MALLORY
I can see them.
AVA
Good... Okay, great.
MALLORY
What does that mean?
AVA
There’s been a firewall up between the two of you. You’ve been occupying the same physical space but perceiving different ones. You can’t see his world, but he can show it to you. It’s not completely obscured to you. He can show you what is happening, he can communicate it to you.
MALLORY
Why is that important?
AVA
Because your world can’t exist like this. Eventually the universe is going to try to right itself, and what will help that is communication. Contact between two worlds. If you keep that up, I think eventually you can be living in the same world again.
GLORIA
You know, I’ve never been a fan of marriage. For me it’s like: marriage is great. But for you. You go do it and I’ll be over here. I like that it’s around but it’s not for me. Like skydiving. That looks like fun, for you. I will watch the video of you doing it and feel just fine about not doing it. But, my old sous chef Cesar is married and has a ton of kids. Him and his wife fight all the time about everything. But it’s part of their relationship, like I don’t know what they would do if they weren’t fighting. And sometimes when they’re on the opposite ends of an argument I wonder if they even live in the same world. I don’t know, I don’t think we’re ever in the same world as someone else, no matter how close you are. There’s always this big space between you. You can’t be inside someone else’s head, so you need to tell people what’s going on in your world.
Josh is about to go through a lot. His world is going to get very dark and there’s not going to be anything you can do about it, except listen to him.
AVA
After this thing hits, the sun’s not coming out for three years, Josh. For years half the people on this planet will be struggling to survive while the other half looks at them like they’re crazy. I wish I could describe it better than that but I honestly have no idea what it’s going to look like. We’re in uncharted territory.
GLORIA
So you’re going to have to keep talking to each other. You’re going to have to try and understand each other even though you can’t understand each other, understand?
MALLORY
I think so.
JOSH
What should we do now?
GLORIA
You’re going to need to get the word out. You work here so people will listen to you. You need to warn everyone that what’s left of Ashley is coming down in Western Australia.
AVA
Leif is leaving you with all of the information you need to prove it. Just get it all out there and warn people. Things’ll start moving pretty quickly after that.
GLORIA
But before that... Come on back to the diner. We’re going to launch a couple of our friends at an asteroid.
AVA
Woo-hoo!
IN THE DINER PARKING LOT. LEIF IS FUSSING WITH SOME TECHNOLOGY.
MALLORY
... You will tell me, won’t you? When the sky gets dark for you? When the world gets too cold? I won’t be able to feel it but I promise I’ll believe you.
JOSH
Of course I will.
MALLORY
... And do you think it’s possible that we’ve actually hallucinated this entire encounter with an American cafe that happened to house a physicist who’d been missing for years and her strange friends?
JOSH
It certainly sounds like a hallucination. But I have enjoyed hallucinating it together.
MALLORY
I as well.
CASPAR
Folks, it’s a beautiful day here at Cape Canaveral where everyone is waiting with anticipation for us to launch these two old-timey Baptists into a space rock the size Wilmington, Delaware.
EFFIE
You get a little too much pleasure launching your friends into the great beyond, you know that Caspar?
CASPAR
Too soon, Effie.
AVA
For what it’s worth, my scientific opinion is that you’re both going to be fine.
CASPAR
It’s also my former municipal worker opinion that you’re going to be fine.
EFFIE
I’ll leave one and take the other, thank you very much.
JOSH
Why are we in your car park?
AVA
You’ll see.
LEIF
Let’s give them a countdown.
GLORIA
Good luck, you two.
LEIF
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5-
ZEBULON
...And upon this rock...
LEIF
4, 3, 2, 1, ignition!
ZEBULON
...I shall build my chuuuuuuuuuu-
EFFIE AND ZEBULON SUDDENLY START TALKING THROUGH THE RADIO AGAIN.
ZEBULON (CONT’D)
-uuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrch... Oh.
EFFIE
Oh.
ZEBULON
Looks like we just popped back into the radio, didn’t we dear?
EFFIE
Solid ground at last.
CASPAR
You guys don’t even have feet.
MALLORY
What did I just witness?
LEIF
The Juno probe is on its way to Ashley 2. Should rendezvous in about a month and begin pushing it off course. The rest is up to you two.
MALLORY
We’ll do everything we can.
JOSH
Why are you speaking to us as if you’re about to shove off on a boat or something?
LEIF
Almost time, Ava.
AVA
You two, come over here. Stand right here just off the parking lot.
MALLORY
Why are we doing that?
THE DINER BEGINS TO POWER UP.
AVA
Good luck you two. It’s going to be a lot but I think we left you better than we found you.
MALLORY
You definitely did but, what exactly is happening?
AVA
Mallory you were asking what happened to me. You said that people were calling me The Disappearacist. They’re not wrong. I’m on a whole other level now.
WITH A LOUD CRACK, THE DINER DISAPPEARS. MALLORY AND JOSH ARE STUNNED.
JOSH
The...
MALLORY
I...
JOSH
The... Cafe has vanished. Dear, the cafe has vanished.
MALLORY
How...
JOSH
You saw it as well, yes?
MALLORY
I... did.
JOSH
So... not a hallucination, then.
MALLORY
It appears not.
JOSH
... Are you in shock, Dear?
MALLORY
I... believe so.
JOSH
...
MALLORY
...
JOSH
This may take some time to process.
MALLORY
... Agreed.
JOSH
Suggested course of action?
MALLORY
... Please take me to one of the pubs that has not been destroyed and buy me many drinks. I’ve you to catch up with, it may take some time.
JOSH
Course of action agreed upon. Love you, Dear.
MALLORY
And I you.
JOSH
Off we go, then.
THE SOUND OF THE DINER RUSHING THROUGH SPACE AND TIME. GLORIA IS IN THE PARKING LOT. AVA WALKS OUT.
AVA
Hi.
GLORIA
Hi.
AVA
...
GLORIA
...
AVA
I know we left on a positive note, but the chances of two astrophysicists convincing all of Western Australia to evacuate are pretty slim.
GLORIA
I know.
AVA
It’s entirely possible that there wasn’t an asteroid in either of their universes until she heard two people talking about an asteroid hitting the Earth.
GLORIA
I know.
AVA
...
GLORIA
We need to stop this woman.
AVA
... I know.
THE END