Chapter 22: The Maul of America
THE SOUND OF SPACE TIME SPINNING PAST US AS A SONG PLAYS ON THE RADIO. DISTANT SOUND OF PENCIL SCRATCHING ON PAPER.
EFFIE
So, you mean to tell me that there is a television show that portrays stories from the bible...
CASPAR
Yes.
ZEBULON
Issac, Abraham, even Jesus.
CASPAR
Yes.
EFFIE
But all of the biblical characters are portrayed by what now?
CASPAR
Vegetables.
EFFIE
...How..
ZEBULON
Why...
EFFIE
Is there...
CASPAR
I can see you trying to make sense of it, and I wish you luck.
GLORIA
Coffee’s ready.
CASPAR
Excellent.
GLORIA
Still nothing?
LEIF
She’s been like that for hours, she’s almost burned through a whole notebook.
EFFIE
I admire her dedication but does she need a glass of water or some such?
ZEBULON
I have begun to worry that her pencil may ignite.
GLORIA
Maybe I should bring her some food?
LEIF
Honestly, she won’t even know you’re there.
GLORIA
What if it’s really good food though?
LEIF
In any lab or testing field or observatory you’re going to see this. There’s people filing reports, compiling data, getting coffee, the janitor comes by, maybe a senator visits, and then off in a corner somewhere, surrounded by, what looks like, the notes of a serial killer... will be the theorist. Trapped in their head until they finally come up for air. Watch this. Hey, Ava?... Yeah, nothing.
GLORIA
So we stand here until she decides to talk to us?
LEIF
We can stand anywhere we want, we’re not going to exist until she’s ready for us to exist.
CASPAR
We may have one thing working in our favor.
GLORIA
What?
AVA
I’m having a cigarette.
CASPAR
There we go.
DOOR CHIME.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
We should probably get our questions in fast, she’s going to suck that down like a shopvac, let’s go Mucklewains.
DOOR CHIME. THE SOUND OF SPACE TIME GROWS LOUDER.
CASPAR (CONT’D) Hey there.
GLORIA
Ava, do you need anything? You’re looking a little pale.
LEIF
We’re probably going to touch down soon, anything we need to know?
AVA
... I am now ready to talk about the disappearing lady.
GLORIA
Great.
LEIF
Let’s do it.
CASPAR
Do you need coffee?
AVA
No. Leif?
LEIF
Yeah.
AVA
Her energy signature when she disappeared, that was different than when The Ex would pop into our lives, right?
LEIF
For sure.
GLORIA
Also her voice was different. She sounded human.
AVA
So we’re probably not dealing with Caspar’s alternate reality Ex-wife throwing ANOTHER bot at us. This isn’t a Terminator 2 situation?
LEIF
No, also she didn’t smell like anything. Ex had a particular scent when she would teleport.
GLORIA
Really?
LEIF
Tachyons smell like popcorn.
AVA
Okay. Good.
GLORIA
Stop smelling the androids.
LEIF
I’m not being weird.
CASPAR
Just want to make sure we’ve all registered that this is not, in any way, my fault.
ZEBULON
That’s a refreshing change of pace isn’t it, Dear?
EFFIE
What will I do with myself?
CASPAR
You know what?
AVA
She was disguised as the Ambassador from Luxembourg?
CASPAR
Yes.
AVA
But what were you saying about her name?
CASPAR
She picked the name of an actual person but from the 15th century, she probably thought no one would notice.
AVA
But she spoke in a fake accent, was putting on a whole show.
CASPAR
Yes.
AVA
She’s been doing this for a while.
GLORIA
Doing what for a while though?
AVA
Traveling. And we’ve been on her trail, trying to get her attention. She’s the thing we’ve been trying to track down.
LEIF
Sure seems like it.
AVA
Why Earth?
CASPAR
What do you mean?
AVA
Why is she sticking to Earth? Let’s assume she can shift through time and fold space. Why would she stick to Earth?
CASPAR
Because it’s nearby?
LEIF
Wouldn’t matter. If she can fold space without any tech then distance becomes irrelevant, traveling to St. Petersberg is the same as traveling to the other side of the universe.
CASPAR
So she’s on Earth on purpose.
AVA
I think so. “Are you trying to stop me?” That’s what she said. Stop what?
GLORIA
She’s definitely got an agenda. And she was not happy to see us.
EFFIE
And I was not happy to see her. I have dark perturbations about this woman.
AVA
Why though?
EFFIE
It’s a thicket of feelings I get from her. It’s one thing but also another.
ZEBULON
Perhaps if we wish to know the nature of this new character in our lives we should look to ourselves.
AVA
What do you mean?
ZEBULON
We are ordinary folks in an extraordinary life. Perhaps she’s not so different. And why have we found ourselves here? Either running or seeking, all of us. Perhaps it is the same for her.
EFFIE
That’s where my feelings point me. But it’s both of those things. Seeking and running. And those two mixed together in the wrong way can be...
CASPAR
Dangerous.
EFFIE
Yes.
GLORIA
We’re talking about a lot without actually saying anything. We think she’s a problem, we don’t know why. She’s thinks we’re a problem and doesn’t know why. Right now all we know is, there’s a disappearing lady that doesn’t like us.
LEIF
What’s not to like?
CASPAR
Yeah, we’re delightful except for Leif who kills people randomly.
LEIF
That’s not true.
CASPAR
Oh, you didn’t kill a guy?
LEIF
It wasn’t random.
GLORIA
How long until we land?
LEIF
Any second now.
AVA
Look, just keep your eyes open, okay? That wasn’t the last time we’re going to see her. Also, there’s something that I want us to start looking for.
CASPAR
We’re not getting a cat.
LEIF
Why can’t we get a cat?
GLORIA
You can’t just say we’re not getting a cat.
EFFIE
Where did discussion of a cat come from all of a sudden?
CASPAR
If we get a cat it’s going to hate me.
LEIF
And we all benefit from that.
ZEBULON
I think a cat may be nice.
AVA
Oh my God.
CASPAR
... Sorry.
AVA
Damage to the fabric of space time. I want us to keep a look out for damage to the fabric of space time.
GLORIA
What’s it look like?
AVA
No idea.
LEIF
Here we go.
THE DINER SNAPS INTO A NEW REALITY. WE HEAR MUSAK.
CASPAR
Are we...
LEIF
Is this what I think it is?
GLORIA
Are we in a mall?
CASPAR
Yeah.
AVA
That music is terrible.
EFFIE
Well this is an unsavory establishment.
ZEBULON
Is this some sort of warehouse?
CASPAR
Oh it’s a warehouse alright. For commerce.
EFFIE
What is that smell?
CASPAR
That, Effie, is the food court.
EFFIE
They have put food there to be judged somehow?
CASPAR
No, that’s just where all the food places are.
ZEBULON
I have judged it.
CASPAR
Yeah, I’t not a great smell.
LEIF
Oh, shit, check it out: B. Dalton.
CASPAR
Oh, we’re in an OLD mall.
LEIF
1980’s for sure.
CASPAR
The golden age.
LEIF
There’s probably a Camelot Music here.
CASPAR
There’s probably a Chess King.
GLORIA
Hickory Farms, anyone?
CASPAR
Yeah!
LEIF
Free cheese samples!
CASPAR
There’s probably a Jazzercise!
EFFIE
Ava, what in the world are they talking about?
AVA
I don’t know, I actually did something with my life.
GLORIA
Where is everyone, though?
LEIF
I guess they haven’t opened yet, all the gates are down.
GLORIA
Well at least there’ll be one good spot in the food court today.
CASPAR
We’re really going to give Mrs. Fields’ Cookies a run for it’s money.
AVA
Can we spread out and look for things?
GLORIA
Damage to the fabric of space time?
AVA
Yes, I know it’s vague but it’s important. Damage to the fabric of space time.
CASPAR
Should be easy to spot. Pardon me, sir, is that damage to the fabric of space time you’ve got there?
LEIF
We should head over to Spencer’s Gifts that place is definitely a disturbance in the fabric of space time.
GLORIA
Split up for a little while, everyone. You guys take the bottom floor, Ava let’s go upstairs.
CASPAR
Who’s taking the Mucklewains?
EFFIE
(Suddenly in the loud speaker system for the Mall.)
I think we’ll be just- oh my!
ZEBULON
(In the loud speaker system as well.)
Goodness. We appear to be in the Public Address system for this establishment.
EFFIE
Can y’all hear us?
GLORIA
Yeah.
AVA
Cool.
ZEBULON
I feel very large.
EFFIE
Yes, I feel as though my spirit wraps around this whole construction.
GLORIA
I guess you’re going with all of us then.
CASPAR
Anything we can grab you while we’re looking?
GLORIA
From a 1980s mall? All of this stuff’s garbage.
LEIF
How about a sharper image foot massager?
GLORIA
...Okay, yeah, get me the foot massager.
CASPAR
Anything else?
AVA
Do they have pencils here?
CASPAR
...Pencils?
AVA
What?
CASPAR
At the mall?
AVA
Yeah.
GLORIA
They don’t have useful things here, just the things you can’t live without.
AVA
Never mind.
CASPAR
Good luck on your space/time anomaly hunt!... We’re going to hit the Orange Julius before we start looking around right?
LEIF
Absolutely.
GLORIA AND AVA RIDE AN ESCALATOR.
GLORIA
So, damage to the fabric of space time?
AVA
It can look like anything. Also nothing.
GLORIA
Right. On it. Why are we doing this?
AVA
Well... Okay, I’m working with four separate things right now.
GLORIA
Good. Bullet points are good.
AVA
Thing 1: Imagine a string of pearls, but not in a loop. Imagine a string of pearls continuing out into infinity.
GLORIA
Okay, infinite pearls.
AVA
Imagine each pearl as a universe. All matter and energy that exists is in each pearl.
GLORIA
That’s a lot of universes.
AVA
Every day when we open our doors, we’re in one of those pearls. A new universe. One of these infinite pearls is where we started, and we are constantly zipping back and forth through different pearls. Each one of them have a beginning, middle and end that runs for billions of years.
GLORIA
That sounds way more organized than what we actually do.
AVA
They’re not actually in a string they’re actually all overlapping each other and occurring simultaneously but it’s better to imagine them on a string.
GLORIA
Agreed.
AVA
Thing 2: Chuck said something about massive gravity waves. Inside each pearl are massive destructive events that happen. Sometimes they’re so powerful that they can damage the pearl they take place in. The effects can be cataclysmic.
GLORIA
Is this like a supernova, a whole star exploding?
AVA
No, it goes beyond that. When something is so powerful that it can damage the fabric of space-time... Imagine a house on a beach, and a tidal wave is coming toward it. Imagine this wave being so powerful that it doesn’t just damage the house, it... damages the very idea of what a house is.
GLORIA
The idea of what a house is?
AVA
A gravity wave can be so powerful that it can damage not just matter, but damage how matter works.
GLORIA
... I don’t like that.
AVA
I don’t either.
AVA (CONT’D)
The third thing is us. A time-traveling dimension-spanning diner. And the fourth thing:
GLORIA
The disappearing lady.
AVA
Yeah.
GLORIA
How did Chuck describer her? “Powerful? Formidable?”
AVA
It looks like she’s able to travel through space and time like we do but she can do it at will, so yeah that’s pretty powerful and formidable.
GLORIA
... She’s scared.
AVA
How do you know?
GLORIA
You can see it. She was scared of us for some reason.
AVA
I can’t imagine why that would be.
GLORIA
(Laughing.)
Shit.
AVA
What?
GLORIA
Wicks and Sticks. Did you ever go here?
AVA
I wasn’t a mall person.
GLORIA
I used to look at this place and be like “That’s what a real woman does, she has all kinds of nice candles everywhere. That’s when I’ll know I’ve become a real woman.”
AVA
Did you ever get your candles?
GLORIA
No. Because then it became “having a nice kitchen” meant I was a real person, and then it became “having a really nice couch” for some reason, not sure what that was about. Then it became a restaurant.
AVA
What is it now?
GLORIA
Jesus Christ, I have no fucking clue. Self-completion is a moving target. I mean, look at me. Look at us, look at what we do. We’re in a mall in the 80s looking for damage to the fabric of space time and I don’t feel much different than my teenage self. I thought candles were going to do it? Seriously?
CHIME HEARD OVER LOUDSPEAKER.
EFFIE
Oh my. Dear, did you hear that? There’s a little noise every time we talk.
ZEBULON
I like it.
EFFIE
Y’all, us talking through this here building has had some unforeseen effects.
GLORIA
What’s up?
EFFIE
I seem to have a sense of this building like it were my own skin and bones.
AVA
You’re probably co-opting whatever electrical systems they have like it’s a nervous system.
ZEBULON
Well, I don’t know about that but I do know that we can tell where both you and Caspar and Leif are relative to the diner.
AVA
That could be useful.
EFFIE
Caspar and Leif are at some sort of establishment with a devil on it.
AVA
Really?
GLORIA
They’re at an Orange Julius. Anything else?
EFFIE
Yes. We are not alone.
GLORIA
There’s someone else in here?
ZEBULON
We believe so.
EFFIE
This building may seem closed to the public but I am sensing many people within.
GLORIA
That’s creepy. Okay. Track down Leif and Caspar and let them know.
EFFIE
Will do.
GLORIA
What are the odds that Caspar and Leif are actually looking for something like we are?
AVA
Low probability.
THE BLENDER OF THE ORANGE JULIUS ROARS.
LEIF
(Yelling over the blender.)
Look, I understand that you’re upset but I still think it was the right call.
CASPAR
(Yelling over the blender.)
You blew a guy up, Leif.
LEIF
(Yelling over the blender.)
And what was that guy’s name again?
BLENDING STOPS.
CASPAR
John Wilkes Booth.
LEIF
I think there’s a big difference between blowing up a guy and blowing up John Wilkes Booth.
CASPAR
It is still, without provocation, not out of self-defense, blowing up a guy.
LEIF
I see what you’re saying. You’re trying to do it like a math problem. “Killing bad, therefore all killing bad.” But I’ve evolved.
CASPAR
Oh. You’ve evolved have you?
LEIF
That’s right.
CASPAR
Well do tell, Homo Superior, how have you evolved?
LEIF
I kind of went through the wringer while you were gone. Got confronted with a lot of old shit, old versions of myself. I decided, rather than deny it, or leave it behind, I would merge it all into one person, bringing the best of all worlds into one dude. I’m Leif the cook, Leif the engineer, Leif the criminal, all in one guy. I’m Smart Hulk now.
CASPAR
Smart Hulk would not have killed John Wilkes Booth.
LEIF
Smart Hulk would’ve stopped the fuck out of John Wilkes Booth.
CASPAR
This is going nowhere, drink your Orange Julius. I guess I just don’t want it to come back and haunt you or something.
LEIF
This is really good. How do you know how to make an Orange Julius?
CASPAR
First job.
LEIF
Your first job was at Orange Julius?
CASPAR
Yeah. What was yours?
LEIF
Weed delivery. I was 13.
CASPAR
Seriously? It’s like you’re not even a real person.
LEIF
I know.
TAMARA
You two! Freeze!
CASPAR
Whoa!
LEIF
We’re not here to hurt anybody.
CASPAR
Put the gun away, we’re not stealing anything.
LEIF
I mean, we’re kind of stealing.
TAMARA
Who are you?
CASPAR
I’m Caspar. That’s Leif.
LEIF
Hey.
TAMARA
How’d you get past the perimeter?
CASPAR
Perimeter?
STRANGE NOISES. ZOMBIES?
LEIF
Whoa.
TAMARA
Shit.
LEIF
What the hell is that sound?
TAMARA
They must have heard us. Out of the way.
CASPAR
What’s happening?
SECURITY GATE FOR THE ORANGE JULIUS IS PULLED DOWN.
TAMARA
We’re going to be stuck here for a minute.
LEIF
Why?
ANGRY CROWD APPROACHES.
CASPAR
What the hell is that?
TAMARA
If we’re quiet, they’ll probably ignore us.
LEIF
Who?
TAMARA
Them.
A CROWD OF ANGRY SHOPPERS RUSHES BY THE ORANGE JULIUS.
LEIF
Shit, are we in a “Mall full of Zombies” situation?
CASPAR
I mean, honestly it was only a matter of time.
LEIF
True.
TAMARA
They’re not zombies.
CASPAR
Who are they?
LEIF
They look crazed out of their minds.
TAMARA
Shh! They’re not zombies, they’re not trying to eat anyone’s brain.
CASPAR
What are they trying to eat?
THE CROWD PASSES.
TAMARA
How’d you two get here? You guys make a bet you could sneak in or something?
CASPAR
We don’t know what you mean.
TAMARA
Look, I don’t know what it is about men, when you see a restricted sign, you think it’s a dare. It’s not a dare, there’s fucked up shit happening here.
LEIF
Obviously.
CASPAR
What is happening here?
TAMARA
It’s too weird for you to comprehend, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
CASPAR AND LEIF START LAUGHING.
CASPAR
Oh no.
LEIF
Oh no, not something weird.
CASPAR
Leif, what are we going to do about the weird thing that’s happening?
LEIF
I hope we don’t freak out.
CASPAR
I’m so fragile.
TAMARA
Who are you two?
LEIF
Weird shit’s kind of our jam. Why don’t you tell us what’s going on?
TAMARA
Oh...kay...
CASPAR
Actually, you know what, if she tells us she’s just going to have to explain it again to everyone else, let’s head back.
LEIF
Good call.
TAMARA
Head back where?
LEIF
We’ll explain, let’s go.
TAMARA
Hang on... Okay, we’re clear.
TAMARA RAISES THE GATE ON THE ORANGE JULIUS.
TAMARA (CONT’D)
Where are we going?
LEIF
What’s your name?
TAMARA
Tamara.
LEIF
You’re a security guard?
TAMARA
Yeah.
CASPAR
They let them carry guns back then?
TAMARA
Back then?
LEIF
Oh yeah. Also, remember all the indoor smoking?
CASPAR
God, that’s right.
TAMARA
Where are we going?
LEIF
That’s our place over there.
TAMARA
What the... fuck is that doing here?
LOUDSPEAKER CHIMES.
EFFIE
Attention Caspar and Leif please stop acting like horses patoots, where have y’all got off to?
GLORIA
Who’s on the PA system?
CASPAR
Y’all, be quiet you’ll alert the zombies.
TAMARA
They’re not zombies.
CASPAR
Be quiet, you’ll alert the “Not Zombies”.
LEIF
We were at the Orange Julius, where are Gloria and Ava?
GLORIA
(From the second floor.)
We’re up here, did you guys see that huge crowd come through?
CASPAR
Yeah, they’re dangerous apparently, stay away.
LEIF
They’re not zombies apparently.
GLORIA
If it’s zombies, I quit.
TAMARA
They’re not zombies.
AVA
Who’s that?
LEIF
This is Tamara, she’s a security guard.
TAMARA
Who’s on the PA system?
ZEBULON
Well, Hello Tamara, I’m Zebulon Mucklewain here with my wife Effie.
EFFIE
Hi, Tamara.
TAMARA
Who are you people?
LEIF
We run a diner. Come have a cup of coffee, tell us about your weird day.
SONG:
TWO COFFEE CUPS ARE SET DOWN ON THE TABLE.
TAMARA
You really expect me to believe that?
GLORIA
How it works is, I tell you our crazy story and then you feel more comfortable telling us yours.
TAMARA
Uh huh. Okay. Okay, fine... I had just started this job. I was excited, the pay was good, I look alright in the uniform, I’m pretty good at scaring teenagers. Then one day everything went off the rails. There was a riot over some toys, I couldn’t keep the crowd under control, a bunch of stuff got stolen.
GLORIA
A riot over some toys?
TAMARA
Yeah, some kind of doll?
GLORIA
What kind of doll?
CASPAR
Oh God. Wait. What year is it?
TAMARA
For real?
CASPAR
Yes.
TAMARA
1983.
CASPAR
Ohhhhhhh nooooooooo.
AVA
What?
CASPAR
It’s the Cabbage Patch Riots.
LEIF
The fuck are you talking about?
TAMARA
That was it, yeah. Cabbage Patch Kids.
GLORIA
The Cabbage Patch Riots?
CASPAR
It happened all over America. Every kid wanted one of these dolls for Christmas called Cabbage Patch Kids but they didn’t make enough, there were literal riots. Delivery trucks were sacked, it was nuts.
AVA
Over a doll?
CASPAR
This is why I remember it, because it was so stupid.
GLORIA
Okay, we’re going to put a pin in how stupid that is and we’re going to go back to Tamara. You’re saying that a riot happened and you couldn’t stop it?
TAMARA
Right. People went crazy. They waited by the doors for the mall to open, not even in a line, just a mob of people. I was the first one here that day. It was way too early for anyone to go shopping, but there they were, all at the door to try and grab one of these Cabbage Patch Kids. When I unlocked the doors they pushed them open so hard that it knocked me down. They were running, like olympic style running to the KayBee Toys just to stand in line and wait for THEM to open. Eventually there was a line outside of every store that might possibly have one of these damn dolls. Montgomery Ward, Sears, whatever. There was even a line outside of Florsheim Shoes for some reason. Then they got the bad news. Delivery trucks ran late the day before and the dolls weren’t on the shelves, they were still in the trucks... They all start to panic. Like, sheer panic, like they’re life depended on it.
None of the stores had stocked any of the dolls yet so they rushed back into the loading zone and literally ransacked three trucks full of them. Dolls, y’all. People got into fist fights, one guy had a bat. It was chaos. I need backup so I call the police and they literally laughed at me, started calling me Santa’s little helper. So I say to myself “Please don’t let me die over some fucking dolls,” and I jump in there, trying to break it up... and then suddenly everybody was gone.
GLORIA
Everybody?
TAMARA
Yeah. Suddenly the whole mall was empty like I was the first one at work again.
LEIF
Time loop?
AVA
No such thing.
LEIF
Did your watch reset or anything?
AVA
There’s no such thing as a time loop.
TAMARA
No, but as I walked back into the mall... They were here.
A MASS OF “NOT ZOMBIES” RUSHES PAST THE DINER IN A CRAZED FRENZY.
AVA
Yeesh.
GLORIA
Seeing them up close now, are we sure they’re not zombies? Because remember, if it’s zombies, I quit.
TAMARA
They’re not zombies. They don’t try and eat people. They only crave one thing.
CASPAR
No way.
TAMARA
Cabbage Patch Kids. They are constantly tearing up the mall, trying to find the Cabbage Patch Kids.
A BEAT. EVERYONE LAUGHS.
TAMARA (CONT’D)
It’s not funny.
CASPAR
I’m sorry, it’s objectively funny.
TAMARA
Maybe to you all. You just got here. And it’s getting worse.
AVA
How do you mean?
TAMARA
I swear they’re getting angrier. More desperate. The first time they were just really intense shoppers now it’s like...
CASPAR
Here they come again.
MASSIVE CROWD BEGINS RUNNING PAST THE DINER.
GLORIA
God, look at them.
CASPAR
I’m not saying they’re zombies but they do look like they’re from a zombie movie.
LEIF
One of the newer ones too. A fast zombie movie.
AVA
That’s disturbing.
LEIF
They look crazed.
ZEBULON
They seem to be possessed by some terrible spirit.
EFFIE
Indeed. I can feel it myself, that’s some unnaturalness right there.
CASPAR
“This summer, there is no sale that can satisfy... the zombie shoppers.”
LEIF
“Shopzies...”
CASPAR
Ohh that’s better, “Shopzies...”
AVA
This doesn’t make any sense. What else is effected? Is this happening everywhere on the planet?
TAMARA
No. In fact... Now that they’re gone, come up to the roof, I’ll show you.
CASPAR
Hang on, we should all arm ourselves. Leif, do we have any baseball bats with nails driven through them?
LEIF
I’ll get the laser saw.
TAMARA
Actually if you just stay out of their way, you’ll be fine.
LEIF
Oh.
CASPAR
Bummer.
DOOR CHIME. THEY ALL WALK TO THE ELEVATOR.
TAMARA
Time-traveling, dimension-spanning diner, huh?
GLORIA
Yeah I know. Sounds ridiculous.
TAMARA
You’re lucky I was desperate for someone to talk to.
ELEVATOR DOOR CLOSES.
GLORIA
How long has this been happening?
TAMARA
61 days.
GLORIA
Holy shit, Tamara.
CASPAR
Why didn’t you leave?
TAMARA
I’m about to show you. I was thinking the other day, I better get fucking overtime for this.
GLORIA
Fuck yeah, you should.
TAMARA
What’s the pay like at Midnight Burger?
LEIF
Terrible, our boss is a tyrant.
CASPAR
Ha ha, that’s Gloria now.
ELEVATOR OPENS TO THE ROOF. A MILITARY HELICOPTER ROARS BY.
LEIF
Shit!
CASPAR
Was that an army helicopter?
TAMARA
Around the third day I noticed the tanks and helicopters. They set up a military perimeter around the Mall.
GLORIA
Why won’t they come get you?
TAMARA
They say they’re worried about “contamination” whatever that means. Here, binoculars. Check it out.
GLORIA
...Tanks? Seriously?
TAMARA
I know. I guess they’re pretty freaked out.
AVA
Can I see?
GLORIA
So they just trapped you here with a group of crazies running around?
TAMARA
It hasn’t been great.
HELICOPTER PILOT
(Through loudspeaker.)
Attention, this is a restricted area. You are now in an official quarantine zone, do not leave the area without authorization.
LOUDSPEAKER BUZZES.
ZEBULON
(In helicopter loudspeaker.)
Excuse me, Sir. You are disturbing our discussion with this contraption of yours.
HELICOPTER PILOT
What the hell?
EFFIE
(In helicopter loudspeaker.)
Set this whirly-gig of yours down somewhere else so we can hear ourselves think.
HELICOPTER PILOT
Pull back, pull back!
HELICOPTER PULLS AWAY.
TAMARA
The hell just happened?
GLORIA
They don’t like people being rude.
AVA
There they are. Government scientists have a sensor array set up. Would love to see those readouts right now.
LEIF
What have they got?
AVA
Radar and a spectrometer... Chemical sniffer, that’s dumb.
LEIF
No microwave scanner? Lame.
AVA
It’s 1983, what do you expect... Okay. None of this makes any sense at all. And that’s great.
CASPAR
Is it though?
AVA
This is it. Damage to the fabric of space time. This is what we’ve been looking for.
CASPAR
How is this weird shit different from the usual weird shit we encounter?
AVA
Every world we go to follows it’s own rules. There’s no rules to this it’s just... broken. Angry shoppers turned into zombies that crave cabbage patch dolls? Give me a break.
CASPAR
Kids. Cabbage Patch Kids.
TAMARA
How does it get fixed?
AVA
Tamara. Have you met any weird ladies lately? Before all this started?
TAMARA
Uh, I’d only been working for a while. There’s the occasional nut that walks in off the street.
AVA
About yea high. Red hair.
TAMARA
No.
CASPAR
She could’ve been wearing a wig at the theater.
AVA
Just anyone with a weird vibe.
TAMARA
Y’know... it was my first day. There was a lady in the food court who started asking me a bunch of questions. At first about the Mall and then about where I was from, where my parents were from. She gave me something, she said she found it.
AVA
What was it?
TAMARA
A rock. It’s still in my locker, come back downstairs.
ELEVATOR DINGS AND THEY WALK INSIDE.
EFFIE
(In the elevator loudspeaker.)
Look dear, we’re in the elevator as well.
ZEBULON
(In the elevator loudspeaker.)
Yes. Welcome to the 3rd floor everyone.
TAMARA
I don’t know what they are but I kind of like it.
GLORIA
We do to.
ELEVATOR DINGS AND THE DOOR OPENS.
TAMARA
So, I didn’t think much of it at first. I’m supposed to put things in the lost and found in the office but it seemed a little too nice to put there.
TAMARA OPENS HER LOCKER.
TAMARA (CONT’D)
Here you go.
GLORIA
It’s pretty.
CASPAR
Is it a crystal?
AVA
Leif?
LEIF
Let me see... Huh... it’s a diamond.
TAMARA
What?
LEIF
Yeah.
GLORIA
It looks grey.
LEIF
Yeah, it’s an industrial diamond, you can’t make it into jewelry. Still valuable though. Something this size, you’re looking at about a hundred thousand dollars.
TAMARA
What?!
LEIF
Good call not putting it in the lost and found.
AVA
Where did she say she found it?
TAMARA
She said Mercury.
AVA
Mercury.
TAMARA
I figured it was the name of a new store that had just opened.
AVA
Mercury?
CASPAR
Doesn’t sound like a store that I remember.
LEIF
I don’t think she meant a store.
GLORIA
Don’t tell me.
LEIF
Surface of Mercury is covered in diamonds just like this.
CASPAR
The surface of Mercury?
LEIF
Yeah.
CASPAR
Where it’s a bajillion degrees and the atmosphere is methane or whatever.
LEIF
Hardly any atmosphere at all, actually.
TAMARA
Wait, you’re talking about Mercury the planet?
GLORIA
She was just going for a stroll on Mercury and picked up a diamond?
AVA
Who the fuck is this woman?
TAMARA
What the fuck is going on?
AVA
I have no idea, Tamara.
GLORIA
Okay look, let’s think about the thing right in front of us.
CASPAR
The thing right in front of us is a huge diamond from Mercury.
GLORIA
No, the thing right in front of us is Tamara. She’s trapped in a time loop with mall zombies.
AVA
No such thing as a time loop.
CASPAR
Shopzies.
GLORIA
What are we going to do about it?
AVA
No idea.
LEIF
We could try and sneak her past the military blockade. Maybe if she could get away from the mall things would reset.
AVA
My guess is you’d have entanglement problems. Her geographic location isn’t going to matter much.
GLORIA
Not to mention she’d be on the run from the government.
ZEBULON
My friends, let us not forget, those possessed creatures we witnessed were not conjured from the darkness.
EFFIE
Those are some real folks down there, y’all. They’ve been captured by some sort of bedevilment, and leaving them as such just ain’t right.
GLORIA
Well then we have to help them too.
TAMARA
You guys really think you can fix this?
GLORIA
We’re going to give it a shot.
EFFIE
Gloria, if the smell of this place is any indication, Tamara has not had a proper meal in some time. Everything here smells like corn oil. Perhaps some proper sustenance so’s we can wrap our heads around the problem.
GLORIA
Good idea. Back downstairs, everybody.
ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES WITH THEM IN IT.
ZEBULON
...It’s a generous thing, isn’t it?
EFFIE
What’s that, Dear?
ZEBULON
Bringing someone a diamond from another world.
TAMARA
... She said something like “I keep looking around for something but wind up finding stuff like this. Why do I only find the stuff someone else needs?”
ELEVATOR DINGS. DOOR OPENS. A MASSIVE CROWD OF SHOPZIES ARE SUDDENLY RUNNING TOWARD THE ELEVATOR.
TAMARA (CONT’D)
Oh shit!
LEIF
They’re coming right at us!
GLORIA
Close the door!
CASPAR STARTS PONDING ON THE “DOOR CLOSE” BUTTON.
CASPAR
Shitshitshitshitshitfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckdorclosebut tondoorclosebuttondoorclosebutton DOES THIS THING WORK?
AVA
It’s closing!
GLORIA
Close faster!
THE DOOR CLOSES RIGHT AS THE MOB IS ABOUT TO REACH THEM.
CASPAR
Wow, that was a close one!
ZEBULON
What in the world is so compelling about this children’s toy?
LEIF
What were they going to do if they got to us? Try and purchase us?
GLORIA
Let’s not find out.
TAMARA
They can get violent. Especially if it’s something new and y’all are new.
AVA
How are we going to get back to the diner?
ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS AGAIN. THE CRAZED SHOPPERS RUN FOR THE DOOR AGAIN.
CASPAR
Shitshitshitdoorclosedoorclosedoorclose.
GLORIA
Go up to the next floor!
CASPAR
Okay.
LEIF
Now what do we do?
TAMARA
We can just wait them out. Eventually they can move on after a few hours.
THE ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS AND THEY WALK TO THE LEDGE OF THE SECOND FLOOR. THE ANGRY MASSES CAN BE HEARD FROM DOWN BELOW.
LEIF
That’s a lot of Shopzies.
AVA
How long until they move on?
TAMARA
It’s random. Could be a few hours.
LEIF
We might not have that kind of time.
TAMARA
Why?
GLORIA
We’re only on the ground for a few hours before we take off to somewhere else.
TAMARA
How is that possible?
GLORIA
I think we’re past the point where you ask how things are possible, I mean, there’s zombies downstairs.
CASPAR
Shopzies.
GLORIA
We’re not calling them that.
LEIF
Maybe I can sneak through, how dangerous are these nuts, exactly.
TAMARA
Here, I’ll show you.
TAMARA PICKS UP A MANNEQUIN FROM A STORE FRONT.
TAMARA (CONT’D)
Let’s pretend this mannequin is you.
TAMARA THROWS THE MANNEQUIN OVER THE RAIL AND IT HITS THE GROUND. THE CROWD INSTANTLY STARTS HOWLING AND RIPPING THE MANNEQUIN TO SHREDS.
LEIF
Holy shit.
TAMARA
It’s fine if you stay out of their way. But if you try and get through that crowd you’re going to end up like that mannequin.
GLORIA
Great.
CASPAR
We need to get them away from the diner.
AVA
Obviously.
CASPAR
Okay, I have an idea. Tamara?
TAMARA
Yes?
CASPAR
Take me to the Cabbage Patch.
SLIDING DOOR OF A CARGO TRUCK SLIDES UPWARD TO REVEAL...
TAMARA
There they are. These are the few ones they haven’t found yet.
CASPAR
Holy shit.
AVA
Jesus Christ, they look demonic.
CASPAR
For nine months in 1983 this was the only thing that any child in America wanted. It was like a mass hysteria event.
EFFIE
I feel like they’re all lookin’ at me.
GLORIA
Me too.
ZEBULON
Perhaps one alone wouldn’t be too alarming but when they are all in boxes standing atop one another with such a blank stare on their faces...
CASPAR
According to Cabbage Patch lore they all sprung from the heads of cabbages.
LEIF
Cabbage Patch lore?
CASPAR
And I think they all come with an adoption certificate.
LEIF
People are psychotic.
CASPAR
We don’t need to get a cat we can just get one of these.
AVA
NOPE.
GLORIA
What’s this plan of yours, Caspar?
CASPAR
Tamara do you have one of those security golf carts type things?
TAMARA
Sure.
CASPAR
How about a megaphone?
TAMARA
I think so.
CASPAR
I feel like you can see where I’m going with this.
GLORIA
Jesus Christ. Okay. What do we do?
CASPAR
Just wait on the second floor and then make your move.
GLORIA
This doesn’t solve Tamara’s problem, y’know?
CASPAR
I know, but it will get Ava back to her booth where she can come up with a solution.
AVA
Why don’t I just come up with a solution right now?
CASPAR
Because all your good ideas happen at the booth, that’s your spot, that’s the power zone.
AVA
...He’s not wrong.
CASPAR
Leif, can you spruce up a golf cart?
LEIF
Is the Pope Catholic? Is John Wilkes Booth dead?
CASPAR
Very funny. Let’s go...
GLORIA
Have you noticed the more ridiculous the situation the more ridiculous the solution?
AVA
... Does he seem alright to you?
GLORIA
Caspar? Caspar never seems alright to me.
AVA
He’s different since he came back.
GLORIA
He went through a lot while he was gone. We all did.
AVA
I feel the same though. Did I not change?
GLORIA
Um. No, not really but that’s kind of your thing. You’re... y’know... unflappable.
AVA
Did everybody else change?
GLORIA
Well, yeah. I mean, Caspar had to confront why he was such a tool all the time, Leif had to confront the fact that he was acting like three different guys, I took over the diner and went up against the Teds and really tapped into some anger.
AVA
Right. Well, what about the Mucklewains, did they change? Where are they now?
EFFIE
We’re up here in this tiny speaker now, Dear.
ZEBULON
Hello.
EFFIE
We changed as well, didn’t we dear?
ZEBULON
I believe we did. We’ve learned so much about ourselves during Caspar’s absence. There is so much still to be learned but I believe we reached a place of acceptance in regards to the deep mysteries of our being.
EFFIE
While also never forgetting that, while we may not know the nature of ourselves, God’s got it all written down somewhere.
AVA
Am I... the only one who didn’t have a big change?
GLORIA
Maybe, but that’s okay.
AVA
It’s hard for me to change.
GLORIA
I know.
AVA
It’s hard to change when you’re right all the time.
GLORIA
Sure.
AVA
I can change, I’m changeable.
GLORIA
Of course you are. So... Try it some time.
AVA
Ok. But what do I change though? I like everything about myself.
GLORIA
Maybe just keep an eye on it. Maybe something will come up?
AVA
Ok.
EFFIE
Y’all, I can see what Caspar’s up to at this moment and... well if it don’t work it will at least be a sight to behold.
GLORIA
This should be good.
JUST OUTSIDE THE DINER, THE SECURITY CART SLOWLY PULLS UP NEAR THE MASS OF SHOPZIES.
CASPAR
Okay, Tamara, you sure you know how to drive this thing well enough?
TAMARA
It’s a golf cart, I don’t need a masters degree.
CASPAR
Okay, but I don’t want to die is the thing.
TAMARA
You’ll be fine.
CASPAR
I’m going to go get their attention, get ready to burn rubber.
TAMARA
Jesus Christ. Okay.
CASPAR
Give me the Cabbage Patch Kid.
TAMARA
Here.
CASPAR
Well, hello there disturbing fake child. What’s your name?
TAMARA
It’s right there.
CASPAR
“Melvis Gray”. Melvis?
TAMARA
Sure, whatever.
CASPAR
Let’s go, Melvis.
CASPAR INCHES CLOSER TO THE SHOPZIES. FEEDBACK IN THE MEGAPHONE.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
(In the megaphone.)
Ahem. Attention, Shopzies. Have you met my friend Melvis!!
THE SHOPZIES ROAR AT THE SIGHT OF THE CABBAGE PATCH DOLL AND START RUNNING.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Oh shit!
TAMARA
Let’s go!
CASPAR
Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit. Hit it!
THE WHEELS OF THE SECURITY CART SCREECH AND THEY TAKE OFF WITH THE SHOPZIES RIGHT BEHIND THEM.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Goddamn, they are fast!
TAMARA
All they do is run!
CASPAR
Are we going to be able to stay ahead of them?
TAMARA
I think so, this thing’s never gone this fast before, what did he do to it?
CASPAR
We could ask him but neither of us would understand it. Are we going to hit a dead end or anything?
TAMARA
No, this whole place is a circle, we can lead them around like this til the wheels come off.
EFFIE
(In the PA system.)
Caspar, how’s all your foolishness working out for you?
CASPAR
Good, I think. We’re going to be coming around the mountain again, though. Y’all get in the diner while they’re distracted.
EFFIE
On our way.
TAMARA
... So they can just show up in anything that has a speaker?
CASPAR
Pretty much, yeah.
TAMARA
... Man, what the fuck is going on?
CASPAR
Ha! What do you mean, Tamara? You’re driving a golf cart through a mall being chased by zombies who crave cabbage patch kids. What? They didn’t cover this at Rent-a-Cop Academy?
TAMARA
They did not... You know that feeling when you get a good job and you just kind of say “Okay. This is it. I’m gonna settle into this and just cruise into it. Life will play out before me. Birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas over and over again. I’ll find somebody to do it with maybe. I’ll get grey hair, I’ll get bored, I’ll go on vacation, I’ll come back, maybe I’ll get a dog. Just cruise.”
CASPAR
And then?
TAMARA
And then this happens. Going to be hard to go back to just cruising after something like this. If I make it out of this.
CASPAR
You’ll make it out just fine. We have a 100% success rate.
TAMARA
Success at what?
CASPAR
The key to our success is not defining what success is... Y’know, this diner that brought us here, when I first found it I thought it was just a diner. And then suddenly I was on another planet.
TAMARA
Another planet?
CASPAR
Yes.
TAMARA
So it’s not a time machine?
CASPAR
No, it’s that too.
TAMARA
Where did you go?
CASPAR
A planet called Garrion.
TAMARA
What was it like?
CASPAR
Well it was weird Tamara, it was another planet. Hang on, they’re falling behind.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
(Into megaphone.)
Let’s go, Shopzies, pick up the pace. These dolls don’t grow on trees.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
But then the next day was another planet, and another and another. Eventually I landed on a planet named Thegrion. And that’s when it hit me. It wasn’t all that weird.
TAMARA
How?
CASPAR
Thegrion was in a planet wide day of mourning. People started coming in needing to be fed, needing coffee. They needed to just be around each other. So I just started winging it.
Making them what food I could, I made some coffee and they just sat with each other. So there I was, on another planet, a diner full of aliens, and it was somehow normal. And that’s what I’ve found, in the VERY long time that I’ve been working there... it’s the same shit everywhere.
TAMARA
The crazed mob behind us is not the same shit as everywhere else.
CASPAR
A crazed mob desperately clamoring for something that is, in the end, actually worthless? I bet you see quite a lot of that, don’t you?
TAMARA
So can you tell me what happens in the future, or not?
CASPAR
It doesn’t work that way. I can tell you what MIGHT happen, but so can anybody else. For example, what might happen is that a couple of years from now two movies are going to come out: “Terminator” and “Back to the Future”. They’re going to totally fuck up how people think about time and how it behaves.
TAMARA
I was hoping you were going to be able to give me something.
CASPAR
You already got a 100,000 dollar diamond, Tamara, don’t get greedy.
TAMARA
Oh yeah. I forgot about that. I’ve got to get out of here so I can go shopping.
CASPAR
And I think that’s the irony of the day, you need to escape the mall so you can go shopping.
TAMARA
That lady. The scientist. You think she’s going to be able to figure something out?
CASPAR
If anyone can.
TAMARA
And then she fixes it and for the rest of my life I just...
CASPAR
No matter how weird or normal, in the end you’re always going to be just winging it like I was. There’s no voice from above to guide you.
ZEBULON
(From the PA system above.)
Pardon me, Caspar. Might I offer some guidance?
CASPAR
Except for maybe that one. Sure, Zebulon. What’s up?
ZEBULON
I would just like to offer something from Hebrews. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
TAMARA
The voices are quoting the bible to me now?
CASPAR
The funny thing is, Zebulon thinks he’s making it more normal by doing that.
TAMARA
These days I’ve been going with: “I am making my way in the wilderness and streams of the wasteland.”
CASPAR
Isaiah. Lovely. Are you a church going woman, Tamara?
TAMARA
Oh Sure. Cuyahoga 1st Baptist. Always brought lemon bars to the bake sale.
ZEBULON
Good. Because Caspar is a very wise person.
CASPAR
Thank you, Zebulon.
ZEBULON
He is also wrong.
CASPAR
You know, just one compliment from someone at some point would be great.
ZEBULON
Effie and I have seen the wonders of many worlds as Caspar has, but through it all we have seen a constant.
CASPAR
That is true. Hot Dog on a Stick, not going anywhere.
ZEBULON
Though the world may bear no resemblance to the one you knew, there is always something that endures. Something eternal.
CASPAR
You’re not allowed to say “God” for everything, Zebulon, it’s not duct tape-
ZEBULON
AND THAT ETERNAL THING IS... Watching them care for each other. That has endured through it all. Do you have someone to care for, Tamara?
TAMARA
Is this dude telling me to go get a boyfriend?
CASPAR
Yes.
EFFIE
Not as such, Tamara. He’s just telling you to fill up the room you’re gonna die in.
CASPAR
He’s what?!
EFFIE
We’re saying somewhere out there is the room you’re going to die in. How full of people is that room right now? Should it be more full?
ZEBULON
I don’t know if I was going to say it exactly like that.
EFFIE
Well, I think you understand what I’m saying. Let’s talk on a more pressing matter, are you making these lemon bars with butter or shortening?
TAMARA
...Shortening?
CASPAR
(In the megaphone.)
Shopzies it is looking like all of you have skipped leg day, pick up the pace!
DOOR CHIME.
AVA
Okay, how much time do we have?
LEIF
Plenty of time before we jump but I’m overclocking the battery on that golf cart, so we’ve only got an hour before Caspar gets turned into Zombie chow.
GLORIA
Is that going to be enough time?
AVA
I don’t know.
GLORIA
What are we doing?
AVA
Yes... yeas, what are we doing?... Okay I just need you two to be quiet for a minute okay?
GLORIA
Okay. What’s going to happen?
AVA
Silence is going to happen...
GLORIA
Okay...
AVA
(Deep breath.)
... two competing systems in a closed field one system native non-native system is capable of analysis and sampling with seeming sentience non-native system is non-agressive static within contrary system how does it sustain itself how.. does... it... sustain... itself...
GLORIA
Is she doing slam poetry?
LEIF
No idea.
AVA
Oh... Ohhhhhhhhh... shared energy system leading to degradation of the minor system which system is minor? Who is tiny who is big... Newest system would have to be.
AVA (CONT’D)
(To Leif.)
This is all temporary.
LEIF
Great.
AVA
How temporary? 61 days she said with no registered degradation she said it was getting worse which means upswing in new system could still be occurring we’re still at the beginning of the beginning.
AVA (CONT’D)
(To Leif.)
It’s going to take a while though.
GLORIA
We don’t have a while.
AVA
Snowballs. Like a snowball running down a hill it can’t go forever but can’t be stopped and gets bigger as it goes until it... What stops a snowball?
LEIF
A tree?
AVA
Tree tree tree what’s the equivalent of a tree in this analogy two competing landscapes of energy one out of control the other static what’s a tree what’s a tree what’s a tree... Aha. A third system. A third system standing there like a tree.
GLORIA
Ava.
CASPAR
(Driving by outside. On the megaphone.)
Is that all you’ve got?! Come on Shopzies, WORK for Melvis!
AVA
Right. Okay. We have to let the Zombies in.
GLORIA
I quit.
WE HEAR THE HUM OF THE GOLF CART AND A CHIME OVERHEAD.
EFFIE
Attention Caspar, please bring your wagon train back to the diner.
CASPAR
What?
ZEBULON
Ava has a plan.
CASPAR
See, what did I tell you?
ZEBULON
You are to lead the angry mob back to the diner and lure them inside.
CASPAR
Inside the diner?
TAMARA
Why would we do that?
EFFIE
Caspar, how in the heck am I supposed to know why we’re doing this? I don’t even understand how that tiny automobile works.
CASPAR
Okay, fine. Tell everyone to get ready. We’re coming up on it right now.
ZEBULON
Godspeed, Caspar.
CASPAR
Sure
EFFIE
(Now in the radio.)
Keep a lookout y’all, here he comes.
LEIF
Why is this going to work?
AVA
Some trees, when they’re under attack by caterpillars emit a smell.
That smell attracts wasps and the wasps kill the caterpillars. Every system has corrective agents.
LEIF
Who’re the wasps in this scenario?
AVA
I think we are. We’re responding to an attack.
GLORIA
Here he comes.
DOOR CHIME.
LEIF
Ditch the golf cart! Get in here!
CASPAR
Okay!
GLORIA
Hurry!
CASPAR
Running running running. We made it!
LEIF
No! Keep going!
TAMARA
What?!
LEIF
We’re going out the back!
CASPAR
Why?!
GLORIA
Let’s go!
AVA
Drop the doll!
CASPAR
Good luck, Melvis!
THEY EXIT THROUGH THE BACK AND THE BACK DOOR SLAMS SHUT.
LEIF
Everybody up against the door!
THE SHOPZIES BEGIN SLAMMING INTO THE BACK DOOR. THEY ALL STRAIN AGAINST THE DOOR TO STOP THEM.
CASPAR
I thought they wanted the doll!
GLORIA
I don’t think they know what they’re doing!
LEIF
I’m going around to the front to bar the door, we need to trap them in there.
TAMARA
Then what?!
AVA
Then we wait.
CASPAR
Wait for what?
AVA
For me to be right again.
GLORIA
Uh... the Mucklewains are going to be alright in there, right?
INSIDE THE DINER, THE SEETHING MASSES OF SHOPZIES MILL ABOUT WITHOUT DIRECTION.
ZEBULON
Well, now.
EFFIE
It is a captive congregation but certainly one in need.
ZEBULON
Yes. Good afternoon to you all. What shall the reading be today, dear?
EFFIE
Uh, well, it better be something about somebody getting resurrected.
ZEBULON
Yes. Jesus cried out with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out.” The man who had died came out, his hands and feet bound with linen strips, and his face wrapped with a cloth. Jesus said to them, “Unbind him, and let him go.”
LATER. THE DINER IS FULL OF FORMER SHOPZIES RECOVERING FROM THEIR SIXTY-ONE DAY MADNESS.
GLORIA
(To the room.)
Everybody take it slow, okay? If you need more coffee or food just talk to one of us. You’re safe now. Hey.
TAMARA
Hi. These tacos are amazing.
GLORIA
Thanks.
TAMARA
But it’s called Midnight Burger?
GLORIA
Yeah, I know. It’s a good name.
TAMARA
I guess everybody’s back to normal now.
GLORIA
-ish.
TAMARA
So in a little while you’ll all just kind of “poof”?
GLORIA
Pretty much.
TAMARA
That will be something to see. No way the army guys outside are going to believe me.
GLORIA
You can skip the part about the diner. Just walk out there and tell them that they all snapped out of it somehow. Then, after a few months of making sure you’re not a threat, they can let you have a normal life if you want.
LEIF
Hey, Tamara. We’re probably going to jump soon and you don’t want to be here when we do.
TAMARA
Alright, I’ll start to gather everybody up. I’m not going to see you all ever again am I?
LEIF
The chances of that are pretty slim, but anything’s possible. As you can see.
TAMARA
One more thing: How do I sell a big ass diamond?
LEIF
It’s pretty easy, I’ll walk you through it.
CASPAR
Hello!
CASPAR SITS AT AVA’S BOOTH.
AVA
Please, make yourself comfortable.
CASPAR
I got you something.
AVA
If you brought one of those fucking dolls in here.
CASPAR PUTS SEVERAL PENCILS ON THE TABLE.
CASPAR
... Pencils.
AVA
I can see that.
CASPAR
There they are.
AVA
What is all over them?
CASPAR
I believe those are My Little Ponies.
AVA
You expect me, as a grown woman, to use pencils with little ponies on them?
CASPAR
You said you needed pencils.
AVA
Were you... enjoying yourself today?
CASPAR
... Maybe, a little.
AVA
Why?
CASPAR
I discovered something.
AVA
What’s that?
CASPAR
Remember when we were fighting and you said “Leif does this, Gloria does this, I do this, and then there’s you.” Implying that I contribute in no way to anything that goes on here?
AVA
Yes.
CASPAR
And do you remember how that was psychologically damaging for me to hear and I may be scarred for life now, do you remember that part?
AVA
You’re welcome.
CASPAR
I figured it out. I do dumb shit. That’s what I bring to the table.
AVA
Dumb shit.
CASPAR
Yes. Leading the Shopzies away from the diner on a golf cart. I do that. That’s MY thing.
AVA
Any of us could’ve done that.
CASPAR
It’s like modern art. Yes, you could’ve done that yourself, but you didn’t think to?
AVA
Well congratulations on being the dumb shit guy.
CASPAR
Thank you... No sign of our new friend today.
AVA
No... but she’s out there somewhere... she is out there somewhere...
SLOWLY THE SOUND OF A DINNER PARTY FADES IN. WE BEGIN TO HEAR A FAMILIAR SPEECH.
AVA (CONT’D)
Thank you so much for coming to my farewell party, though I am convinced that sixty to sixty-five percent of you are here to make sure you don’t miss out on any gossip. Sorry to disappoint, but I won’t be doing anything more embarrassing than actually being a professor at this shit-sack of a university.
LIGHT LAUGHTER.
AVA (CONT’D)
Today I officially transitioned into emeritus status, the flaming viking boat of academia. I did so under viscous rumors that I have lost my mind, which I shall wear as a badge of honor. I am proud to join the ranks of other nutty professors like Paracelsus, who believed in giants, Tycho Brahe who wore a copper prosthetic nose after losing his real one in a fist fight, and Pythagoras who had an inexplicable fear of beans.
LAUGHTER.
AVA (CONT’D)
You only get one chance to make a parting statement, so here goes. As we struggle to understand the universe, we may need to consider the idea that the universe is struggling to understand us. That our curiosity about the cosmos, may be reciprocated. Do our telescopes pointed skyward pose a question, and are the ebbs and flows of the starways an attempt at an answer. Are the scientist and their subject like two lovers in the dark; stumbling towards each other, hoping to find some skin... well, that got a little sexy didn’t it?
LAUGHTER. SUDDENLY TIME SPEEDS UP AND WE SPEED THROUGH THE REST OF THE EVENING, STOPPING AT THE END OF THE NIGHT.
AVA (CONT’D)
Good night everyone! Drive safe, there are dangerous deer out there! They LOVE going through your windshield. Can’t get enough of it.
FRONT DOOR CLOSES. AVA SITS AND POURS A DRINK.
AVA (CONT’D)
And that, as they say, is that... Oh....
CLEMENTINE
Hi.
AVA
Hark. A straggler.
CLEMENTINE
I liked your speech.
AVA
Thanks. Did I make a speech?
CLEMENTINE
Yes, it was at the beginning of the night.
AVA
Ah. Feels a million miles away. Who are you?
CLEMENTINE
...Clementine.
THE END.