Chapter 21: Chaos!
A PHONE RINGING AS MUSIC PLAYS ON A RADIO. A DOOR OPENS WITH A CHIME.
FRANK
Oh shit.
PHONE RECEIVER IS PICKED UP.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Horizon Motel?... Yes... No, we don’t have a website... Uh huh... Yes, I understand... Well, ma’am you can actually make a reservation with me right now on the phone, it’s been done... Uh huh... sure you can call back.
PHONE HANGS UP. DOOR OPENS.
FRANK (CONT’D)
We need to get a website.
JUNE
You don’t want to do that.
FRANK
Of course I do.
JUNE
If you get a website then more people will come here and that’s more work for me. Don’t do that to me.
FRANK
You had to clean one room today.
JUNE
But what a room it was. Those people were a mess, dude, what was their deal?
FRANK
I think they were skiers.
JUNE
It’s not ski season.
FRANK
Getting an early start?
JUNE
They were doing something strange with the trash cans. I don’t want to know what.
FRANK
We’re going to need more than one guest per night to stay above water.
JUNE
Yes, but what about my needs? Like my need to get paid for doing very little.
FRANK
Can you at least pretend I’m your boss?
JUNE
No. Hey, you know what I heard at the bar last night? I heard this place was in a meth corridor.
FRANK
What is a meth corridor?
JUNE
It’s, you know, the corridor through which meth moves.
FRANK
What are you talking about?
JUNE
People steal cars, and then they use the stolen cars to move meth around the state. They don’t want to get pulled over so they stick to the back roads. Boom, meth corridor.
FRANK
And we’re in the meth corridor?
JUNE
Yes.
FRANK
And who did you hear this from?
JUNE
Edgy Steve.
FRANK
...Edgy Steve.
JUNE
Yeah.
FRANK
You know someone named Edgy Steve?
JUNE
I mean, I don’t KNOW HIM know him, but I see him sometimes, he’s around.
FRANK
And how does “Edgy Steve” know about the meth corridor?
JUNE
He’s a meth dealer.
FRANK
...Great.
JUNE
Let me ask you this: A lot of people checking in driving Saturns?
FRANK
Saturns? Uh... sometimes, I guess.
JUNE
Most stolen car in America.
FRANK
Saturns are?
JUNE
You can start them just by shoving a flat head screwdriver in the ignition.
FRANK
But then who would want to steal a Saturn?
JUNE
People doing illegal things. Like?
FRANK
Transporting meth through the meth corridor?
JUNE
Right. How often do people check in driving a Saturn?
FRANK
... Often.
JUNE
They pay in cash?
FRANK
... Yes.
JUNE
Huh.
FRANK
We’re in a meth corridor.
JUNE
Yep.
FRANK
Jesus Christ.
JUNE
Hey, their money’s green.
FRANK
Their money is drug money.
JUNE
Don’t worry about it. The Hilton family started out as brothel owners. You should own it. You don’t want their business going to the Red Roof Inn or whatever. That’s YOUR drug money.
FRANK
How did my dad not tell me this?
JUNE
He probably didn’t even know. He probably stood behind the counter and was like “Oh, well, another fine gentleman staying at our establishment with hives and face tatoo, what are the odds?”
FRANK
Someone’s going to get shot here over a drug deal gone wrong or something.
JUNE
No, dude, you’re not the destination for the drugs you’re in the corridor for the drugs. It’s harmless.
FRANK
Harmless?
JUNE
Yeah. Buy a gun though. For real.
PHONE RINGS AND RINGS.
JUNE (CONT’D)
Phone’s ringing.
FRANK
I don’t want to pick up the phone, what if it’s Tuco Salamanca?
JUNE
The meth people don’t make reservations.
FRANK PICKS UP THE PHONE.
FRANK
Ché Meth.
JUNE
Ha!
FRANK
Excuse me. Horizon Motel, how can I help you?... Hello again, ma’am... Yes I know we should have a website... okay... two nights? On the fifth? Okay, we’ll see you then.
FRANK HANGS UP.
JUNE
Ugh, two nights IN A ROW? I’m not doing turn down service.
FRANK
You don’t know what turn down service is.
JUNE
Don’t make me learn.
BUZZING OF THE LIGHTS FLICKERING ON AND OFF.
FRANK
Shit.
JUNE
Oh, damn, did you not pay the electric bill?
FRANK
I did. Barely.
JUNE
Probably just the wind or something. OR... the secret military base down the road.
FRANK
There’s not a secret military base down the road.
JUNE
How would you know? It’s a ssssseeeeeecreeeeet.
FRANK
What are you doing tonight?
JUNE
It’s funny how you ask me that like there’s a series of Balls that I’ve been invited to.
FRANK
You’re going to the bar.
JUNE
I am, are you coming?
FRANK
I’m going to sit here for a while and try to convince myself that someone’s going to show up, then when I give up on that dream I’ll see you there.
JUNE
Okay, but if Edgy Steve’s there, no shop talk about the drug trade you big criminal, don’t bring your work home.
FRANK
Please leave.
JUNE
I love you.
FRANK
Love you.
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES. AFTER A MOMENT THE DOOR OPENS AGAIN.
FRANK (CONT’D)
What’d you forget?
JUNE
Hi.
FRANK
June?
JUNE
Remember our fun jokes about you being in the drug trade?
FRANK
Like it was yesterday.
JUNE
That was fun right?
FRANK
I had a great time.
JUNE
That was some fun humor to try and get you to not freak out about things like you usually do.
FRANK
June.
JUNE
So keep that in mind when I tell you that there’s a woman passed out in the parking lot.
FRANK
What?
JUNE
Yeah.
DOOR OPENS AND WE MOVE OUTSIDE. WE HEAR CRICKETS AND A DISTANT FREEWAY. JUNE AND FRANK APPROACH THE WOMAN ON THE GROUND.
FRANK
Who is that?
JUNE
No idea.
FRANK
We don’t have any guests.
JUNE
She’s alive, I can see her breathing.
FRANK
Ma’am?
JUNE
Ma’am?
FRANK
Ma’am can you hear me?
JUNE
Ma’am are you wasted?
FRANK
What are you doing?
JUNE
I don’t know.
FRANK
I’m calling an ambulance. You didn’t see a woman passed out in the parking lot?
JUNE
No, I walked out and she was there.
FRANK
What the fuck?
JUNE
Ma’am? It feels weird to call her “ma’am”.
FRANK
Yeah, we need an ambulance. Yeah, this is the horizon motel up on 211? Yeah. There’s a woman passed out in our parking lot. I don’t know. No, she’s not a guest she was just there all of a sudden... No she’s breathing, she’s not waking up though.
JUNE
Hey lady? No, that feels mean.
FRANK
Frank Simmons... Okay... yeah, at this number... Okay.
JUNE
Hey girlfriend.
FRANK
What are you doing?
JUNE
I don’t know.
THE WOMAN SUDDENLY GASPS AND SITS UP.
JUNE (CONT’D) Oh shit!
FRANK
Fuck... Ma’am, are you okay?
JUNE
We called an ambulance, okay?
FRANK
... Ma’am?
WOMAN
... Is that... the sky?
WE TRANSITION TO A HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM. PHONES RINGING AND NURSES RUNNING BACK AND FORTH.
NURSE
(Over intercom.)
Dr. Nate please report to room 15, this is my third time calling.
FRANK
Sorry if I screwed up your evening.
JUNE
No, this is fun. If you go to the bar every night you run out of stories to tell at the bar, y’know?
FRANK
Sure.
JUNE
What do you think she was on?
FRANK
On?
JUNE
She was on something, right?
FRANK
I don’t know.
JUNE
“Is that the sky?” That’s not what sober people say.
FRANK
I don’t know.
JUNE
Is it mushroom season? When’s mushroom season? She was probably on mushrooms.
FRANK
How did she get in our parking lot? There were no cars going by, right?
JUNE
I don’t think so. Excuse me, nurse? When’s mushroom season?
FRANK
The only thing in front of us is the 211. Behind us is the woods. She either came from the woods or the Highway.
NURSE
(Over intercom.)
Dr. Nate please report to room 15, this is my third time calling.
JUNE
I’m going with mushrooms. Her and her friends were off in the woods doing mushrooms and she wandered off.
FRANK
Yeah, you’re probably right.
JUNE
Did she say anything else in the ambulance?
FRANK
No.
JUNE
That’s not safe. Hallucinating in the woods how can that be a good trip?
FRANK
Where else are they supposed to go?
JUNE
This is a business opportunity. “Hey, kids. Sick of the woods coming to life and trying to eat you while you’re tripping your nuts off? Come to the horizon motel.”
FRANK
I just learned that I’m running a Meth Lodge, you want to add the mushroom people to that?
JUNE
I mean, you can’t be MORE of a drug hot spot, you either are or you aren’t. Might as well own it.
FRANK
You’ve had zero business ideas since I took this place over but suddenly there’s illegal narcotics involved and you’ve had two in one night.
JUNE
I go where the money is.
FRANK
You live in central Oregon, that’s not where the money is.
JUNE
I was born here, I’m not going to go live somewhere else, that’s exhausting... Was she wearing a jumpsuit?
FRANK
Yeah.
JUNE
Like a Jiffy Lube type thing right?
FRANK
Yeah.
JUNE
What’s that about?
FRANK
No idea.
JUNE
Was there a name tag or anything?
FRANK
No. They couldn’t find any ID on her.
NURSE
(Over intercom.)
Dr. Nate please report to room 15, this is my third time calling.
JUNE
That is the third time Dr. Nate has gotten his third call. Someone needs to crack the whip on that guy.
FRANK
... I feel weird.
JUNE
Me too.
FRANK
This is really weird right?
JUNE
Yeah. Confirmed. It’s fun, though.
FRANK
Is it?
JUNE
Yeah. We got a little mystery dropped in our lap. It’s fun.
You know how people come through town from California or whatever and they’re on a road trip looking for some kind of Twin Peaks vibe?
FRANK
Yeah.
JUNE
Because if you’re not from here you think that’s what it’s like, right? You think there’s a well meaning Sheriff and a mystery in the woods.
FRANK
They do.
JUNE
When actually it’s just...
FRANK
Sad.
JUNE
It’s just kind of sad and the Sheriff is a fucking asshole and everyone needs a shower.
FRANK
And everyone’s dog is mean.
JUNE
Everyone’s dog is mean. Anyway that’s what it’s really like but now look at us. A mysterious woman has emerged from the woods... Favorite Twin Peaks character, go.
FRANK
Uh... Ed.
JUNE
You’re totally an Ed person. Guess mine.
FRANK
... Dr. Jacoby.
JUNE
No way. Audrey Horne.
FRANK
Really?
JUNE
We’re both sex pots.
FRANK
I see.
JUNE
We’re pots of sex.
FRANK
I’m going to go check on her. I’m allowed to do that, right?
JUNE
Honestly, I don’t think anyone’s paying attention to us, I think you can do whatever you want.
FRANK
I’ll be right back.
NURSE
(Over intercom.)
Dr. Nate please report to room 15, this is my third time calling.
JUNE
(To the entire emergency room.)
Okay, Dr. Nate? Let’s get it together Doctor, she’s calling you for the third time for the fourth time. What if someone’s dying?
FRANK
She’s gone.
JUNE
What?
FRANK
She’s gone, there’s nobody in there.
JUNE
Did they move her?
FRANK
They had her on some fluids, the IV is just laying on the ground.
JUNE
Shit, did she escape?
FRANK
I didn’t see her leave, did you?
JUNE
No.
FRANK
What the fuck is happening?
JUNE
I don’t know.
NURSE
(Over intercom.)
Dr. Nate please report to room 15, this is my third time calling.
WE TRANSITION BACK TO THE HORIZON HOTEL. THE PHONE IS RINGING.
FRANK
Horizon Motel?... Okay... No, I’m sorry, we’re all booked up that day, that whole week actually, do you want me to put you on the wait list in case someone cancels?... Okay... got it, I’ll give you a call in case anyone cancels, thanks!
DOOR OPENS.
JUNE
The joint. She is jumping.
FRANK
Come in here.
JUNE
I’ve never seen this many cars in the parking lot.
FRANK
Do you recall a conversation we had a few months ago? You said I should open up the motel to people who wanted to safely trip on mushrooms?
JUNE
Sorry, I don’t recall that conversation.
FRANK
We were at the hospital, we dropped off a woman, she disappeared?
JUNE
Yeah, it’s not ringing a bell.
FRANK
We’ve been booked solid for two weeks.
JUNE
It’s great right?
FRANK
There are definitely several people here tonight who are high on mushrooms.
JUNE
No. Really?
FRANK
What have you done?
JUNE
Me?
FRANK
Yes, you.
JUNE
Frank, I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about.
FRANK
June.
JUNE
... I may have put the word out there.
FRANK
What word did you put out there?
JUNE
Nothing, just that, y’know, the Horizon Motel was a safe space.
FRANK
You told people to come get high here?
JUNE
That it was a safe space.
FRANK
A safe space for what?
JUNE
For getting high.
FRANK
Goddamn it.
JUNE
You were going out of business, Frank.
FRANK
The sheriff’s department is going to start raiding us. Then no one will want to come here and THEN we’ll go out of business.
JUNE
Do you want to go out of business quietly or do it in a blaze of glory?
FRANK
Neither. I wanted neither of those things. I wanted a third thing.
JUNE
There’s no third thing.
FRANK
How do you know?
JUNE
Frank, it’s going to be fine. It’s going to be great, they’re going to write songs about this place.
FRANK
This isn’t the Chelsea Hotel.
JUNE
Not with that attitude. Come outside.
FRANK
I don’t want to go outside, it smells weird.
JUNE
Come outside.
FRANK
It’s like Burning Man with trees out there.
JUNE
Come on. Summer’s almost over, soon it will be rainy and shitty, come outside.
FRANK
Fine.
THE DOOR OPENS. WE HEAR MUSIC PLAYING FROM ONE OF THE ROOMS. THE SOUNDS OF ABOUT 5 SMALL PARTIES.
JUNE
Come on. Isn’t this great?
FRANK
What is that smell?
JUNE
Don’t ask about the smell.
FRANK
Is something on fire?
JUNE
Nothing that isn’t supposed to be.
FRANK
...Okay... Okay, fine. What now?
JUNE
Frankie, this is your intervention.
FRANK
Oh it is?
JUNE
Yes.
FRANK
I am definitely not the one in the vicinity that needs an intervention. Room 9 maybe?
JUNE
You’ve been different since the funeral.
FRANK
... Yeah, it was my Dad’s funeral.
JUNE
I know. It was tough for all of us but... I read something.
FRANK
YOU read something?
JUNE
I read. It was about grief. It was about losing a loved one.
FRANK
June-
JUNE
And it said that sometimes when a person loses a loved one they can, as a way of coping, take on the personality traits of the person they’ve lost... Uncle Pete was a pretty buttoned up guy... like literally. He’s the only guy I knew who used the top button of his shirt.
FRANK
Okay.
JUNE
And you’ve been a little, y’know, top button of your shirt these days and so I wanted to drag you out here and say: “Hey. Stop it.”
FRANK
Is this why you’ve turned my hotel into a drug den?
JUNE
A little. Look I’m not expecting you to rip your shirt off and run through the woods or anything I’m just saying, I would like my cousin Frank to remain my cousin Frank, is all.
FRANK
Okay. I will remain cousin Frank.
JUNE
Thank you.
THE WOMAN Hi.
FRANK
...Holy shit.
JUNE
Is that... Is that who I think it is?
FRANK
It is.
JUNE
Well, shit. Hey there.
THE WOMAN
Do you remember me?
JUNE
...Well, last time we saw you, you were unconscious in our parking lot. Kind of sticks in your memory.
THE WOMAN
I guess so.
FRANK
Are... you okay?
THE WOMAN
Yeah... I... I’m really sorry... about all that.
JUNE
It broke up the monotony.
THE WOMAN
Okay.
FRANK
You disappeared from the hospital.
THE WOMAN
Yeah. Sorry about that. It just kind of happened.
JUNE
Happens to me all the time. “Whoops I disappeared from the hospital”.
FRANK
I guess we were confused more than anything.
THE WOMAN
I mean... me too...
FRANK
I’m Frank, this is my cousin, June.
THE WOMAN
Hi...
FRANK
So... What happened to you?
THE WOMAN
Um... I brought this six pack of beer here, I heard that’s a thing people do, is that a thing people do?
FRANK
Sure.
JUNE
Sure.
THE WOMAN
Can I give you one?
RUMMAGING AROUND IN A BAG.
FRANK
You know, we don’t allow alcohol here, just hard drugs apparently.
JUNE
Don’t listen to him. Give me one.
THE WOMAN
Okay.
THREE BEERS OPEN.
JUNE
So, what’s your name?
THE WOMAN
... Clementine.
JUNE
Okay. Interesting.
THE WOMAN
Is that a good name?
FRANK
Is it good?
THE WOMAN
I... I picked it myself.
JUNE
Oh really?
FRANK
She picked it herself.
JUNE
She’s like a nun. Or Cher.
FRANK
What made you pick that name?
CLEMENTINE
I like oranges.
JUNE
Satsuma was taken?
CLEMENTINE What?
FRANK
So, you’re okay then? We found you in our parking lot, we took you to the hospital, now you’re back. But you’re fine?
CLEMENTINE
Uh...My name’s Clementine because I had to pick a name. I didn’t have one. One I could remember.
FRANK
Wait.
JUNE
Oh fuck, did you have amnesia?
CLEMENTINE
That’s what it’s called, yes. When you found me here I had no idea who I was or where I was... Still don’t.
JUNE
...
FRANK
Wh...
JUNE
Okay...
FRANK
She has amnesia.
JUNE
She does, she has amnesia. I’m sorry, we were making fun of you a little bit just now because we thought that you were just kind of a kook, but it turns out you’ve got some damage to your brain.
FRANK
Shit.
CLEMENTINE
It’s okay.
JUNE
Did any of it come back?
CLEMENTINE
Not really. Small bits and pieces.
JUNE
Amnesia is really a thing, then. I thought it was just a thing in the movies.
CLEMENTINE
It’s definitely a thing.
FRANK
That’s wild. I’m so sorry.
JUNE
So what do you remember?
CLEMENTINE
Weird stuff.
FRANK
Like what?
CLEMENTINE
Like... I know a lot about beets.
JUNE
Beets?
CLEMENTINE Yeah.
JUNE
What a random thing to remember.
CLEMENTINE
I know, right?
FRANK
It’s been months. Have you just been wandering around trying to remember things?
CLEMENTINE
Essentially.
JUNE
Just... around town?
CLEMENTINE
...No. I’ve been... traveling. I’m uh, good at traveling apparently.
FRANK
Okay.
CLEMENTINE
How long has it been? Since you found me?
FRANK
Uh...
JUNE
Six months?
FRANK
Yeah, about that.
CLEMENTINE
That’s it?
FRANK
I think so.
CLEMENTINE
It’s felt like a lot longer. There’s a lot more people here now.
FRANK
Everyone wanted to come to the site of the magical disappearing lady. They worship you as a God now.
CLEMENTINE What?
FRANK
I’m kidding.
JUNE
How’d you get out of the hospital? We were sitting right outside your room.
CLEMENTINE
I don’t know. I don’t know how it all actually works.
FRANK
How what works?
CLEMENTINE
Just... It was weird, I don’t remember much. I remember this place though. I’ve been wandering around trying to figure things out and I thought maybe I should come back here.
JUNE
Nice. Like a Hitchcock movie.
CLEMENTINE
Who’s that?
JUNE
He’s a... guy who makes movies.
FRANK
How can we help?
CLEMENTINE
I don’t know. Does anything stand out? From when I was here?
FRANK
Stand out?
JUNE
Pretty much the whole thing stands out.
FRANK
It was the weirdest thing that’s ever happened to us.
CLEMENTINE Yeah.
FRANK
The jumpsuit.
JUNE
Right. You were wearing a jumpsuit. Like a coverall thing, like you were a mechanic.
CLEMENTINE
Really?
FRANK
Yeah. When you disappeared from the hospital the police showed up and they took it I think. You could probably get it from the station, they probably have it in a box somewhere.
JUNE
I am just now realizing that, because you left your clothes behind, you escaped the hospital with your ass hanging out. Power move.
CLEMENTINE Oh...
FRANK
You said something when you first woke up.
CLEMENTINE
I did?
FRANK
Yeah. “Is that the sky?”
CLEMENTINE
Is that the sky?
FRANK
It was weird. It was, I know this sounds ridiculous but, you had this look on your face like... like you’d never seen it before.
CLEMENTINE
The sky?
FRANK
Yeah.
CLEMENTINE
Who’s never seen the sky before?
FRANK
I don’t know.
JUNE
Angler Fish.
FRANK
What?
JUNE
It’s a deep sea fish. Y’know? Angler fish, Coelacanth, Pacific Viper Fish. Never seen the sky. What?
FRANK
Are you a deep sea fish?
CLEMENTINE
I hope not.
FRANK
Okay, well we eliminated that one.
JUNE
See, I’m helping.
CLEMENTINE
Is that the sky?...
FRANK
Look, I’m sure it’s not like putting a hammer to a nail. I’m sure it’ll all come back to you soon.
CLEMENTINE
I don’t know. You know that feeling that something’s right on the tip of your tongue?
FRANK
It feels like that?
CLEMENTINE
No, it doesn’t. That’s the thing. It feels like... It feels like it’s gone.
JUNE
Well, in my experience things feel a certain way and then... then they don’t.
FRANK
That was beautiful, thank you.
JUNE
I know you think I’m not helping but I’m totally helping.
CLEMENTINE
Look, don’t worry about it. I didn’t think coming here would change much, I just thought I’d give it a shot.
THE PHONE RINGS INSIDE THE OFFICE.
FRANK
Fuck, that’s the phone. I’ll be right back.
JUNE
Just let it ring.
FRANK
I can’t let it ring, June, it’s probably federal agents. I’ll be right back.
CLEMENTINE
... So you two are related?
JUNE
Yeah, we’re cousins. But my dad worked on a fishing boat and my mom worked late so I was over at their house a lot.
CLEMENTINE
That’s nice.
JUNE
Yeah, being a sister-like cousin is great because I can constantly shift between big sister and little sister vibes. One minute I can be like “What do I do, Big Brother?” And then the next I can be like “Shut up! Do what I say!”.
CLEMENTINE Okay.
JUNE
Do you have any siblings?
CLEMENTINE
Um.
JUNE
Shit, I can’t believe I just said that, I’m so sorry.
CLEMENTINE
That’s okay. Maybe I do? What does it feel like to have siblings?
JUNE
Does it feel like there’s someone out there and only they can truly understand what your childhood was like?
CLEMENTINE
No, I definitely don’t feel that way.
JUNE
Who knows, maybe they’re out there somewhere.
CLEMENTINE
That would be nice...
JUNE
... What kind of beer is this? I’ve never seen it before. “Voyager”.
CLEMENTINE
I just liked the name. I got it in a place called Tokyo.
JUNE
... A place called Tokyo?
CLEMENTINE Yeah.
JUNE
In Japan?
CLEMENTINE
I don’t know...
JUNE
You don’t know? You... wait. You were in Tokyo.
CLEMENTINE
...Yes.
JUNE
Which is several thousand miles away in Japan.
CLEMENTINE Oh...
JUNE
But you didn’t know that?
CLEMENTINE
... I should go.
JUNE
Hang on.
CLEMENTINE RUMMAGES AROUND IN A BAG.
CLEMENTINE
I should go, you probably have stuff to do, it’s really busy.
JUNE
Wait a minute though.
CLEMENTINE
I brought you something else, I just... I feel so bad about all the trouble I caused you. Here.
JUNE
What... is this?
CLEMENTINE
I don’t know. I don’t know what it is, it just looked pretty so I thought, it looked like a gift so I would give it to you two.
JUNE
Clementine-
CLEMENTINE
I’m going to go.
JUNE
Wait a minute-
CLEMENTINE
Thank you. Thank you for finding me. Is it okay if I come back some time?
JUNE
Of course, but listen-
CLEMENTINE
Okay. I need to go. I’ve got... I’ve got a lot to learn.
JUNE
Where did you get this?
CLEMENTINE WALKS OFF.
JUNE (CONT’D)
Clementine?... What... in holy God...
FRANK
Hey, where’d she go?... June?
JUNE
She left.
FRANK
Where did she go?
JUNE
She just started walking toward the road.
FRANK
Just all of a sudden?
JUNE
Frank... something weird is going on.
FRANK
Well, yeah.
JUNE
She left us a gift, Frank.
FRANK
What?
JUNE
Here.
FRANK
...
JUNE
Uh huh.
FRANK
... This...
JUNE
Uh huh.
FRANK
This... looks like a bar of gold.
JUNE
It’s a gold bar. She gave us a gold bar.
FRANK
Is it real?
JUNE
Well let me get out my testing kit.
FRANK
What the fuck?
JUNE
What the fuck indeed, my friend.
FRANK
Who is this person?
JUNE
Rumplestiltskin maybe? What’s that writing say?
FRANK
The Perth Mint.
JUNE
Perth.
FRANK
Yeah.
JUNE
In Australia.
FRANK
I guess?
JUNE
Sure. You know that point you get to when so many weird things have happened that you just start shrugging your shoulders? I just arrived at that point.
FRANK
How much is this worth?
JUNE
Fuck, I don’t know, we don’t even know if it’s real.
FRANK
What is happening?
JUNE
Also, she got the beer in Tokyo, which she did not realize was thousands of miles across the ocean. Just to put a cherry on top of the weird Sunday.
FRANK
Which way did she go?
JUNE
She’s walking toward the highway.
FRANK
C’mon. This is insane.
THEY WALK TOWARD THE HIGHWAY.
JUNE
I was going to stop her, but a few pounds of gold in my hand, turns out, puts me in a bit of a state.
FRANK
Amnesiacs in the parking lot, my hotel is a drug hovel, now strangers bearing gold, what’s next?
JUNE
I don’t know, can I hold it again while we’re walking? It’s a good feeling.
FRANK
Here.
JUNE
...Oh yeah. That’s the stuff. Amazing.
FRANK
Don’t get attached to it, it might be stolen.
JUNE
Do you want to come home with Mommy, Gold Baby?
FRANK
June.
A SIMI TRUCK ROARS BY.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Do you see her?
JUNE
I don’t.
FRANK
Well... where the fuck did she go?
JUNE
Maybe she hitched a ride?
FRANK
In 60 seconds?
JUNE
I don’t know.
FRANK
How... What is happening?
JUNE
(Laughing.)
I don’t know.
FRANK
(Also laughing.)
What the fuck? An amnesiac just swung by and gave us beer from Japan and a gold bar from Australia.
JUNE
It’s like we’re trapped in a MadLib.
FRANK
Oh, my God...
JUNE
... Well... What now?
ANOTHER SIMI TRUCK ROARS BY AND WE SLOWLY TRANSITION TO THE SILENCE OF SNOWFALL. THE DOOR TO THE OFFICE OPENS AND WE HEAR MUSIC INSIDE. FEET IN THE SNOW APPROACH.
JUNE (CONT’D) Hey.
FRANK
Hey.
JUNE
What do you think, do you think winter’s here?
FRANK
I feel like the snow is a clear indicator that winter is here, yes.
JUNE
Aren’t we usually full of skiers right now?
FRANK
There’s a jack-knifed truck a few miles back. People have been stuck for hours.
JUNE
Really excited about how grumpy they’re going to be when they check in.
FRANK
It’s going to be great.
JUNE
... We’ve never skied... Isn’t that weird? Most of our lives in the shadow of the misty mountain and we’ve never skied.
FRANK
Way I see it, life itself is already a too-fast careening down a mountain without any breaks, why do it twice?
JUNE
Easy there, Cormac McCarthy... What are you looking at?
A CAR DRIVES BY.
FRANK
There.
JUNE
What?
FRANK
That same car keeps driving by.
JUNE
It does? Are you sure?
FRANK
Yeah. Yellow Chevy Chevelle.
JUNE
How many times?
FRANK
Four times today.
JUNE
Huh.
FRANK
You didn’t dump someone, did you? Are you being stalked?
JUNE
I don’t FEEL stalked. What’s the big deal?
FRANK
Nothing... Nothing, it’s fine... Are all the faucets running a little bit?
JUNE
Yes, I still think that’s weird, but all the faucets are running just a little.
FRANK
It keeps them from freezing up.
JUNE
How? If water wants to freeze, it’s going to freeze.
FRANK
The pipes have water in them even if they’re not being used, if you keep it moving they can’t freeze up.
JUNE
That might be the most I’ve-been-an-old-man-since-I-was-twelve thing you’ve ever said.
FRANK
Doesn’t make it not true.
JUNE
Okay.
FRANK
... I am... finally ready to talk about the gold bar.
JUNE
... No.
FRANK
Yes.
JUNE
Finally.
FRANK
I realize it’s been a while.
JUNE
A while since the weirdest thing that’s ever happened to us? Yes, it has.
FRANK
It scared the shit out of me.
JUNE
Everything scares the shit out of you.
FRANK
No, it doesn’t.
JUNE
Sorry. Most things.
FRANK
Did it ever occur to you that the reason I have to freak out about things like, I don’t know, a random huge bar of gold being dropped in our lap, is because you don’t freak out about it enough.
JUNE
No, but also my brain isn’t made of bees like yours is.
FRANK
What?
JUNE
Buzz buzz buzz all the time.
FRANK
Whatever. Look, I’ve gone back and forth about it, I think we need to call the police and just tell them everything.
JUNE
Really?
FRANK
Yes.
JUNE
For months we’ve been sitting here with a giant gold bar in our safe and all you’ve come up with is the most boring option?
FRANK
It was the first thing I thought to do and then I eventually came back around to it. Look we just tell the sheriff’s department that we didn’t know what to do so we hung onto it in case she came back for it. She’s now obviously not coming back for it so we decided to call the police.
JUNE
I’m just... I’m so disappointed in you. After all this time.
FRANK
What if it belongs to someone and they’re looking for it?
JUNE
What? Are you worried there’s some impoverished family somewhere that’s starving because they can’t find their bar of gold?
FRANK
I don’t know. June, do you know what the price of gold per ounce is? I looked it up.
JUNE
What is it?
FRANK
It’s like fifteen-hundred dollars an ounce.
JUNE
Wow.
FRANK
That bar is the size of a sleeve of saltines. Do you know how many ounces that is?
JUNE
Sounds like a lot.
FRANK
It is a lot. What do you want me to do, put it in the bank?
JUNE
Of course not.
FRANK
What’s your idea, then?
JUNE
Melt it down.
FRANK
... Melt it down how? Find a blacksmith?
JUNE
Yes.
FRANK
There are no more blacksmiths.
JUNE
I know a guy.
FRANK
Oh God.
JUNE
We used to date. He’s super hot, but he wanted me to raise chickens or something he’s a weird guy.
FRANK
How did you wind up dating a blacksmith?
JUNE
Frankie, it’s central Oregon, do you know how many people there are in those woods practicing professions that have been obsolete for a hundred years? It’s the making-soap-from-beef-tallow Capitol of the world around here.
FRANK
Who the hell is this?
JUNE
You know him.
FRANK
... No.
JUNE
Yep.
FRANK
T.S.?
JUNE
Yep.
FRANK
T.S. is a blacksmith.
JUNE
Think about it for a second, it all makes sense.
FRANK
...T.S. is a terrible name for a blacksmith.
JUNE
That’s because you don’t know what the T.S. stands for, do you want to know what it stands for?
FRANK
No.
JUNE
Tarvok Stormbringer.
FRANK
What?!
JUNE
He had it legally changed, it’s on his driver’s license.
FRANK
Why?!
JUNE
I don’t know it’s from some book or something.
FRANK
He went through all the trouble to change his name and then calls himself T.S.?
JUNE
It’s even funnier that he kept his last name, so his legal name is Tarvok Stormbringer LeClerque.
FRANK
Oh my God... Sure, great idea. Let’s trust our thousands of dollars of gold to the guy who rides a Gryphon to work in the morning.
JUNE
It’s more on-brand than you think it is. I mean, “What do I do with all my gold” is kind of a fantasy novel problem.
FRANK
What kind of world are we living in where having a bunch of gold is a problem?
CLEMENTINE
(From on top of the roof.)
I thought it was a nice gesture.
FRANK
Oh shit.
JUNE
Clementine!
FRANK
What are you doing on the roof?
CLEMENTINE
It’s nice up here.
FRANK
HOW did you get on the roof?
CLEMENTINE
How do you know I haven’t been here the whole time?
FRANK
I mean... at this point I’d believe anything.
JUNE
How’d you get past the wreck on the highway?
CLEMENTINE
Well, I was on my moped so I just zipped right through.
FRANK
What?
CLEMENTINE
I’m kidding, Frank.
FRANK
Oh.
JUNE
I had no idea there was roof access, I’m going to be up there all the time now.
FRANK
Please don’t.
JUNE
You seem different, Clementine. Did you get your memory back?
CLEMENTINE
I didn’t. I did learn alllllll sorts of other things though.
JUNE
Like what?
FRANK
Okay, hang on. Clementine... What the fuck?
CLEMENTINE What?
FRANK
There’s a bar of gold in our safe, Clementine.
CLEMENTINE Yeah.
FRANK
And then you just vanished.
CLEMENTINE
I did.
FRANK
And now you show up. On our roof.
CLEMENTINE Okay.
FRANK
So I repeat: What the fuck?
CLEMENTINE
It’s funny, isn’t it? Unexpected gifts. Things come to us out of thin air and then we... well we just reject them, don’t we? “This good thing can’t be happening. It has to be a bad thing in disguise. I better not accept it. I better treat it like a bad thing, I better worry about it and yell at people and if anyone tries to congratulate me for this good thing that happened out of the blue I better shut them down.”... Right? Or we could do something else couldn’t we? We could just say thanks. Enjoy it. Why don’t we do that?
FRANK
Because nothing is ever just one thing, Clementine. The world’s not that simple.
CLEMENTINE
But I want it to be.
FRANK
Me too. Doesn’t really matter what I want, though.
CLEMENTINE
... He’s kind of a pill, isn’t he?
JUNE
He is. It’s why I love him.
FRANK
Why don’t you get down from the roof and tell us some things, Clementine?
CLEMENTINE Okay.
FRANK
Don’t jump-
CLEMENTINE’S FEET HIT THE GROUND.
JUNE
Nice dismount.
FRANK
Are you okay?
CLEMENTINE
I’m fine.
JUNE
You want a jacket or something, Clementine?
CLEMENTINE
What for?
JUNE
For, y’know, winter?
CLEMENTINE
I’m fine.
FRANK
Come inside.
CLEMENTINE
Okay, fine.
WE MOVE INSIDE THE OFFICE.
FRANK
I don’t know what the deal is.
WE HEAR BUTTONS PRESSING ON A SAFE.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Maybe you’re some sort of heiress or something, maybe the is a Patty Hearst situation, I don’t know.
GOLD BAR THUDS DOWN ON THE FRONT DESK.
FRANK (CONT’D)
Okay. One bar of gold. Start talking.
JUNE
Frank, c’mon. She’s got amnesia.
FRANK
You may not remember some things but we’re not getting the full story are we?
CLEMENTINE
... It really is beautiful, isn’t it? One thing I did learn: I learned that gold is made inside of a star. It cooks inside a star for billions of years. Then when the star finally grows old and dies, it coughs up all the gold and sends it flying across the universe... Gold is the dying breath of a star.
JUNE
That’s cool. I didn’t know that.
CLEMENTINE
What if I told you that’s where I got it from? That I was there when a star died and I caught some of its gold, some of that dying breath. And then I found a man in Australia who could take what I found and press it into this little bar for you. This gold has travelled a long way to get here, Frank.
FRANK
Clementine. Tell us what’s going on.
THE RADIO CRACKLES AND BUZZES.
ZEBULON
(In the radio.)
In the meantime, when so many thousands of the people had gathered together that they were trampling one another, he began to say to his disciples first,
CLEMENTINE
What is that voice?
FRANK
Clementine, come on.
ZEBULON
(In the radio.)
“Beware of the leaven of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy. Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known.
CLEMENTINE
You don’t hear that?
JUNE
We don’t hear anything.
CLEMENTINE
From the radio.
ZEBULON
(In the radio.)
Therefore whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed on the rooftops.
FRANK
It’s just some music, Clementine.
ZEBULON
(In the radio.)
“I tell you, my friends, do not fear those who kill the body, and after that have nothing more that they can do. But I will warn you whom to fear: fear him who, after he has killed, has authority to cast into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him!
CLEMENTINE
I have to go.
FRANK
Jesus Christ.
JUNE
Clementine.
CLEMENTINE
That’s not my name.
FRANK
What?
CLEMENTINE
I have to go.
JUNE
Are you okay?
CLEMENTINE RUSHES OUT THE DOOR.
FRANK
I’m sick of this shit, what the fuck?
THEY EXIT THE OFFICE. CLEMENTINE IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.
JUNE
Clementine?!
FRANK
Where...
JUNE
Clementine?!
FRANK
She’s gone.
JUNE
Where the fuck did she go?... Jesus... Okay... Okay, look maybe I haven’t been taking this seriously enough... She’s fucking gone... Frank?... Frank, what the fuck is going on?
FRANK
There’s that car again...
A DISTANT CAR PASSES BY THE MOTEL AND THEN SPEEDS OFF.
THE SOUND OF HORSES AND HORSE-DRAWN CARRIAGES ON THE ROAD BELOW. WE HEAR A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Yes, come in.
DOOR CREAKS OPEN.
JOHN
Mr. President?
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
What is it, John?
JOHN
I’m afraid the first lady will not be able to join you this evening.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Is that right?
JOHN
I’m afraid so.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
I will forever be envious of her ability to wriggle her way out of things.
JOHN
It is rather inconvenient that the American people have elected you and not her, Mr. President.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
I agree. So I’m to attend this evening as some sort of unshaven bachelor, then.
JOHN
Not as such, Mr. President, no.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
How’s that?
JOHN
The keeping up of appearances is, of course, very important in matters of State.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
What form of roundabout explanation has begun just now?
JOHN
On the global stage we may appear to be a bit battered and bruised, Mr. President.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
I agree with you, John, it was a very impolite war.
JOHN
So it behooves us to project certain airs.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN Airs?
JOHN
We don’t want the nations of the world, namely our enemies, thinking that we have been weakened by strife.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
We have been weakened by strife, John.
JOHN
Indeed we have, but we don’t want others to think it so, surely you agree.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
I agree.
JOHN
Appropriate that we’re seeing a play this evening. I propose a bit of stagecraft.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Stagecraft? John, will I be wearing makeup at some point this evening?
JOHN
No, Mr. President but we will be putting on a bit of a show. A play within a play if you will.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
John, you have officially exhausted me, what am I to be doing this evening?
JOHN
Simply projecting an air of confidence and virility, while attending this evenings events with an ambassador.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Ambassador? From where?
JOHN
Luxembourg.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Luxembourg. That is a nation?
JOHN
So they say. A young one, but, there it lies, right in the middle of Europe.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
I see. A new nation?
JOHN
A bit, yes. Achieved their independence from France roughly twenty years past.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Luxembourg.
JOHN
Luxembourg.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
You wish me to attend the play this evening with an ambassador from a nation hardly out of its infancy, so as to project airs of... what are these airs again?
JOHN
Confidence.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Confident airs. For the ambassador from Luxembourg.
JOHN
A masterstroke in diplomacy, to be sure.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
... Very well. What’s their name?
JOHN
Countess Jacquetta of Luxembourg.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
A woman?
JOHN
She is.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
A female ambassador?
JOHN
She appears to be.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
That’s unusual, isn’t it?
JOHN
Well, they were French not too long ago, certain behaviors do tend to linger.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Countess Jacquetta of Luxembourg.
JOHN
It is the one thing I miss about our former European ties. So many lords and ladies and countesses. We should consider having some of those in America.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
I thought that’s why we created senators.
JOHN
They don’t dress as well.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
... Very well. Spending the evening with a countess. Not bad for a country lawyer.
JOHN
And could you meet with her briefly before the affair this evening?
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Will this work never be completed, John?
JOHN
Well, there is always the grave, Mr. President.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Ah, that sounds nice.
JOHN
Shall I show her in?
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Please.
DOOR OPENS AND THE COUNTESS WALKS IN.
CLEMENTINE
(Speaking with an accent.)
Mr. President. So lovely to meet you.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Countess Jacqetta of Luxembourg, I presume.
CLEMENTINE
I am honored to be in your presence.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
I am honored to be in yours. Your title does roll off the tongue much easier than “Mr. President”.
CLEMENTINE
The difference being, yours was earned and mine simply given.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
So to what do I owe a diplomatic visit from the Kingdom of Luxembourg?
CLEMENTINE
We are a young nation, as you are, and we wished to learn from you.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Learn from our mistakes, you mean.
CLEMENTINE
Of course not. We admire your nation.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
We’re not much to admire at the moment, Countess. We are, in fact, quite a mess at the moment.
CLEMENTINE
And yet you endure.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Yes... yes I suppose we do.
CLEMENTINE
We are a nation created by disagreement. The Belgians, the Germans, the French, they all insist we belong to them. When they are unable to agree we were suddenly left to our own devices. And now I stand before you.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Disagreement does tend to create a nation or two, does it not?
CLEMENTINE Yes.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Though I am glad our current disagreement did not create two nations.
CLEMENTINE
As am I.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Countess, if you will allow me some expediency?
CLEMENTINE
Of course.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Due to the particulars of my tenure, I have not had the time I would have liked to devote to foreign affairs.
CLEMENTINE
This is understandable.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Though, in the time I have had, I have discovered one truth: that no foreign dignitary ever requested to meet just to say hello. Do we have business, you and I?
CLEMENTINE
... No business.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Countess, that is simply not true.
CLEMENTINE
... I am searching for something.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
I see. And what is that?
CLEMENTINE
... I do not know.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Ah. Well that is not what I expected you to say.
CLEMENTINE
Have you had this feeling? Searching without knowing what you search for?
ABRAHAM LINCOLN Certainly.
CLEMENTINE
And how did you go about this? This searching without a proper goal?
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Start with a word. That’s what I like to do. You can use one word and one word only that describes what’s absent. Give it a try.
CLEMENTINE
... Home.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Aha. Well there is a word that is far more elusive than one might think. One of those words that’s a feeling disguised as a place. I do hate that.
CLEMENTINE
What do you suggest as a remedy?
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Hmm... Art.
CLEMENTINE Art?
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Yes. I’ve been told that you’re to accompany me this evening to see a play. I’ve found that art does illuminate the places in one’s soul that have dwelled in darkness.
CLEMENTINE
What is this play?
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Our American Cousin. I’m sure it’s quite bad, in truth. But bad art and good can equally illuminate, though one is certainly more enjoyable than the other.
CLEMENTINE
I look forward to it.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
As do I, Countess. Until then...
WE HEAR A CROWD’S LAUGHTER. THE SCENE MOVES TO THE PLAY THAT EVENING: OUR AMERICAN COUSIN.
CLEMENTINE
(Whispering.)
I do not yet feel illuminated.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
(Whispering.)
Give it time.
WE HEAR LIGHT FOOTSTEPS BEHIND THE PRESIDENT. THEN THE COCKING OF A PISTOL. THEN...
GLORIA
Move move move move move move MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE! OOF!
JOHN WILKES BOOTH
UUG!
THE PISTOL FIRES INTO THE AIR. AUDIENCE MEMBERS SCREAM.
GLORIA
Gimmie that gun!
JOHN WILKES BOOTH
Unhand me woman!
CLEMENTINE
Oh my goodness!
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
What in the world!?
GLORIA
Gimmie that gun! RRRRRRR!
JOHN WILKES BOOTH
Stop biting me!
GLORIA
WHOA!
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Guards!
GLORIA
I got the gun! He’s getting away!
JOHN WILKES BOOTH LEAPS DOWN TO THE STAGE.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
(Taunting him.)
I got your gun cabrón!
JOHN WILKES BOOTH
Sic semper tyranus!
GLORIA
Oh whatever! You’re a shitty rebel, Chancho Villa!
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
What is the meaning of this?!
GLORIA
Oh, hey, Mr. President.
JOHN
Who is this? Guards, seize this woman.
GLORIA
Whoa.
CASPAR
(Southern accent.)
Calm down, everyone, calm down. Mr. President my name is Julius Bohannon, I am a member of your secret service. We have this disturbing situation well in hand.
JOHN
We were not informed that the Pinkertons were here this evening!
CASPAR
My apologies Mr. Hay, we had to move in secret so as not to cause this particular groundhog to dive back beneath the Earth as it were.
JOHN
You let an assassin get this close to the President?!
CASPAR
Well we certainly got there before you all did now didn’t we?
GLORIA
That was fun.
CASPAR
I do apologize for the chicanery Mr. President. We did not want to alert Mr. Booth to our presence so we created a foil for him in the guise of this tiny Spanish woman.
GLORIA
Hey.
CASPAR
This is our agent- shit we forgot to give you a name.
GLORIA
Do we have to-
CASPAR
Esmeralda Villalobos.
GLORIA
Pulp Fiction, seriously?
CASPAR
Sorry. He never suspected a thing. Gentlemen, our documentation.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Well in that case, I suppose I owe you two a debt.
CASPAR
Not at all Mr. President, all in a days work. Now if you’ll excuse us, we have a bit of cleaning up to do.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Ma’am, I can’t thank you enough.
GLORIA
No problem, Abe.
CASPAR
Don’t call him Abe.
GLORIA
Hey. Listen. Forty acres and a mule, you hear me?
JOHN
I’m sending the guards after this assassin immediately.
CASPAR
Oh, not to worry, Mr. Hay. We have a man on it.
GLORIA
Forty acres and a mule, Abe!
CASPAR
Let’s go!
AN ALLEY OUTSIDE THE FORD THEATER. WE CAN STILL HEAR MUFFLED SOUNDS OF PANIC. A BACK DOOR OPENS AND WE HEAR FEET ON COBBLESTONE.
LEIF
You the guy looking for a horse?
JOHN WILKES BOOTH Who are you?
LEIF
I’m Leif.
JOHN WILKES BOOTH
You’re not the man I was meant to meet, where is he?
LEIF
He had a thing.
JOHN WILKES BOOTH What?
LEIF
Look, do you want the horse or not?
JOHN WILKES BOOTH
Very well.
HE CLIMBS UP ON TOP OF THE HORSE.
JOHN WILKES BOOTH (CONT’D)
Thank you for this, my friend. The south will rise again.
LEIF
Sure.
THE HORSE TROTS OFF INTO THE NIGHT.
LEIF (CONT’D)
(Singing to himself.)
I wish I was in the land of cotton...
A DETONATOR BEGINS BEEPING.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Old times there are not forgotten look away-
LEIF PRESSES THE DETONATOR. OFF IN THE DISTANCE, JOHN WILKES BOOTH SCREAMS AND EXPLODES. THE HORSE NEIGHS AND RUNS OFF.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Look away, look away, look away, dixie land...
ME MOVE TO THE DINER. AVA IS MAKING NOTES.
SONG:
EFFIE
Ava, what are you pouring your thoughts into over there?
AVA
It’s kind of hard to explain.
EFFIE
... Ava do you mean it’s hard to explain or it’s hard to explain to us?
AVA
It’s a map.
EFFIE
Oh. That’s not so hard, is it? A map of what?
AVA
Everything.
EFFIE
Come again?
ZEBULON
I believe you’ll need more pages in that book then.
AVA
It’s not an actual map, it’s just kind of a concept.
EFFIE
Of everything.
AVA
Yes. A friend of mine discovered something and no one would believe her. I didn’t either for a while, but now I’m pretty sure she was right.
EFFIE
Why wouldn’t anyone believe her?
AVA
Well, in science there’s sort of a marketplace of ideas. You had a tractor back home, right?
ZEBULON
Oh yes. Very nice one.
EFFIE
We called it Sampson.
AVA
What did you have before that?
ZEBULON
We always had Sampson but before that my father just had a mule.
EFFIE
That was also named Sampson.
ZEBULON
It was an homage.
AVA
Okay, so tractors came along and you didn’t need the mule anymore right? Which I’m sure was good news for everyone but the guy who sold the mules. The scientific world can, sometimes, be full of mule salesmen who are always skeptical about tractors.
EFFIE
I see. So your friend, she invented a tractor in a world full of mule sellers.
AVA
Exactly.
EFFIE
So what is the shape and size of this tractor, exactly?
AVA
Well... How did the universe begin? In the bible?
EFFIE
... Dear, she’s asking us about the Bible.
ZEBULON
Yes, no sudden movements, we may scare her away.
AVA
C’mon.
ZEBULON
Well, Ava, it’s interesting. There are, in fact, dueling theories on the beginning of all things.
AVA
Really?
ZEBULON
Yes. There are two interpretations of how the Lord created the world entire. They are called “Logos” and “Agon”.
AVA
Speech and Struggle?
ZEBULON
Precisely. In one interpretation, with speech alone God created the world.
He spoke and matter itself would bend to his will, and through his words the world came to be. And the other interpretation, Struggle, involved a great battle.
EFFIE
That one talks of God as a warrior, and the world before him was one of chaos. He brought order to the chaos by defeating great sea monsters and such.
ZEBULON
Mot, Yam, Tannin, and Leviathan. The Psalms read: “You it was who smashed Yam with your might, who battered the heads of the monsters in the waters; You it was who crushed the heads of Leviathan, who left them for food for the denizens of the desert.”
AVA
That second one’s way cooler.
EFFIE
I like it too, it makes me feel better about my hatred for catfish.
ZEBULON
But if you’re speaking of a map of all creation, for us it is never truly settled. The old Israelites believed the world to be like a great disc floating in a great ocean, but then that began to change.
AVA
Why did it change?
ZEBULON
Well, because of the arrival of people such as you, Ava. Men built great looking glasses that peered into the sky and our concept of the ground we stand on began to slowly change, and thus did our concept of its beginnings.
AVA
C’mon Mucklewains, I thought it was the word of God, I thought it was immutable.
ZEBULON
Yes, well...
EFFIE
We, in fact... well we believe that holy scripture was written by God’s children and not God himself.
ZEBULON
Which can get one into trouble in certain circles.
EFFIE
There is the word and there is the world. And we find both to be perfect.
ZEBULON
But then there is the word and its interpretation.
EFFIE
And one cannot interpret without putting at least a bit of oneself into it. And we are, by design, imperfect, therefore so shall our interpretations be.
AVA
Then how do you ever know what to believe?
ZEBULON
That is the journey, Ava. And the fuel for that journey is faith.
EFFIE
So tell us, what was your friend’s interpretation of everything?
AVA
She described it like a play. The beginning of all things is like a curtain rising. And every particle in the universe is a player in a great piece of theatre. And then eventually the curtain falls. That’s not much different from what any other cosmologist would say. What my friend proved was that, also like a play, the curtain comes up again the next night. Sometimes the play is the same, sometimes it’s different, but it continues on and on into eternity... and somehow all of that has something to do with a time-traveling, dimension-spanning diner. Which is hilarious.
EFFIE
Well, it’s a nice story but there’s no sea monsters in it.
DOOR CHIME.
CASPAR
-And then Gloria looks at him and says “Forty acres and a mule, Abe.”
LEIF
To his face?
CASPAR
Looking right at him. Number 16 himself.
ZEBULON
Welcome back, y’all.
GLORIA
Just saved the republic, no big deal.
LEIF
It was pretty satisfying.
CASPAR
Gloria bit John Wilkes Booth.
AVA
You BIT him?
GLORIA
Let it be known, I will bite all confederates.
CASPAR
It was the bite heard round the world. Nations were shook.
GLORIA
Caspar doing LITerally a Froghorn Leghorn impression.
CASPAR
Ma’am, that is Julius Bohannon. Southern Gentleman, freedom fighter, and cigarette holder user.
LEIF
This was my favorite by far.
CASPAR
This pales in comparison to when we convinced Andre the Giant to run for French Parliament and that was my favorite.
GLORIA
What is not my favorite are these clothes. I’m going to go change, this reconstruction era corset is some bullshit.
CASPAR
Ava. Mission completed. Look, we’re having a great time out there but please tell me we’re getting somewhere.
AVA
Nothing definitive yet.
LEIF
Come on.
CASPAR
Ava, we’ve been at this for months.
AVA
I know.
CASPAR
Leif broke Jean Genet out of prison, Gloria shut down the first McDonalds.
AVA
I know.
CASPAR
I scared Catholic missionaries out of the Congo dressed as an evil gorilla, Ava.
AVA
We may have only done that one because I wanted you wear a gorilla suit.
CASPAR
I knew it.
LEIF
Point is, we’re working our asses off out there.
AVA
Look, the theory is sound: the more chaos we create out there, the more deviations in a timeline we create, the better.
CASPAR
I get it. We’re following Chuck’s plan. We make chaos and this thing, whatever it is-
AVA
The Strange Attractor.
CASPAR
-Right, then it comes to us, but what does that even mean, what does it look like, what are we doing? How many Catholic missionaries do I have to scare away?
ZEBULON
Caspar, we must stay with the plan and have faith. There are no expedient paths to enlightenment.
EFFIE
But many thanks for scaring those Catholics away, they’re like rabbits.
LEIF
As a side note, do we have any idea why we keep showing up at alternate Earths? This whole time all we’re doing is Earth stuff, that can’t be a coincidence.
AVA
We don’t know that either.
CASPAR
I sure hope we’re not going through all this because you don’t want to admit that you’re wrong about something.
AVA
I’m never wrong, Caspar, just waiting around for the moment that I’m right.
CASPAR
We’ve been waiting for that moment for a very long time.
AVA
“I’m impatient” said the one hundred and seventy three year old man.
CASPAR
Turning John Wilkes Booth over to the authorities was very satisfying, but it’s not going to be satisfying the fifth time we do it.
LEIF
Oh. Say that again.
CASPAR
Turn John Wilkes Booth over to the authorities.
LEIF
Huh. Okay. Um. I didn’t do that.
CASPAR
You didn’t? What did you do?
LEIF
Y’know I... Killed him.
AVA
Whoa.
CASPAR
What!?
LEIF
What?
CASPAR
That was not the plan.
LEIF
The plan was to save Lincoln. I thought I had dealer’s choice on Booth.
CASPAR
Dealers-... We’re not playing Omaha Hi Lo.
GLORIA
What’s happening?
CASPAR
Leif killed John Wilkes Booth.
GLORIA
Oh... Okay... You know I’m trying to feel a certain way about that but I got nothing. Is this what it’s like being Ava?
AVA
Yes.
CASPAR
What did you do?
LEIF
You know, I met him in the alley with the horse, and as he was riding away I... I blew him up.
CASPAR
Leif!
LEIF
What?
CASPAR
You blew him up!?
LEIF
Why is that worse?
CASPAR
I don’t know?!
GLORIA
Is the horse okay?
LEIF
The horse is fine.
GLORIA
Good.
CASPAR
Effie, Zebulon. Help me out here.
EFFIE
Leif. Murder is wrong.
LEIF
I know.
EFFIE
... Alright, well good.
CASPAR
That’s it?! Zebulon?
ZEBULON
Yes I... hm. Well...
LEIF
Caspar, look. You’re the history buff. What was GOING to happen to him.
CASPAR
He was... going to go hide in a Barn in Port Royal and then get shot in the neck by a Union soldier a couple of days later.
LEIF
Okay. And was there some sort of impassioned speech at the end about tyranny or whatever?
CASPAR
... Yeah.
LEIF
Okay. So the outcome is the same, I just saved the world from having to hear an impassioned speech from a straight-up-evil dude.
CASPAR
Leif.
LEIF
Hey, no one’s given me credit yet for blowing up a dude on horseback and NOT killing the horse. That’s called precision demolition, it’s a lost art.
CASPAR
I feel weird about this.
LEIF
You’ll be fine.
GLORIA
Incoming.
CASPAR
What?
GLORIA
Somebody’s in the parking lot.
CASPAR
Who? Oh. It’s the fucking Ambassador from Luxembourg.
GLORIA
She’s having a weird day.
LEIF
She needs to get out of the parking lot, we’re going to jump soon.
CASPAR
Oh NOW you’re concerned for people.
LEIF
Innocent people, sure.
CASPAR
I’ll go talk to her.
DOOR CHIME. CASPAR STEPS OUTSIDE.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Good evening, Madam Ambassador. May I help you?
CLEMENTINE
What an unusual building.
CASPAR
Yes. Architects these days. May I escort you back to town, you must be in quite a state considering this evening’s events.
CLEMENTINE
I was so impressed with your heroism.
CASPAR
Ah, well. It was a group effort.
CLEMENTINE
I am Countess Jacqetta of Luxembourg.
CASPAR
An honor to be in your presence, Countess. I am Julius Bohannon of the Shreveport Bohannons.
CLEMENTINE
... Are you certain?
CASPAR
Am I certain of what?
CLEMENTINE
Are you certain of who you say you are?
CASPAR
I’m quite certain.
CLEMENTINE
I have excellent ability to detect deception.
CASPAR
Do you now?
CLEMENTINE Yes.
CASPAR
What would your sense of deception say about a woman calling herself Countess Jacquetta of Luxembourg when Countess Jacquetta was murdered in the 15th century. She was thought to be a witch. Have you risen from the grave to enact your revenge on mankind, Countess?
CLEMENTINE
(Dropping the accent.)
Who are you?
CASPAR
(Dropping the accent.)
Who are you?
CLEMENTINE
What is this place?
CASPAR
Honestly, I have no idea.
DOOR CHIME.
GLORIA
What’s going on, Caspar?
CASPAR
Not sure.
CLEMENTINE
Who are all of you?
LEIF
We run a diner.
AVA
What’s happening?
EFFIE
Dear, I have a very strange feeling.
CLEMENTINE
What the hell is that?!
CASPAR
Honestly, we don’t know that either.
CLEMENTINE
I don’t like this place. What is this place?
GLORIA
Calm down, just tell us your name.
CLEMENTINE
Are you trying to stop me? I won’t stop.
CASPAR
Whoever you are, we think you may be doing something bad.
CLEMENTINE
No... No, I’m too close.
AVA
Too close to what?
CLEMENTINE
Tell me who you are!
GLORIA
Lady. No. You first.
CLEMENTINE
Never mind. I’ll find out for myself.
CLEMENTINE SUDDENLY TELEPORTS AWAY.
LEIF
Shit.
AVA
See... Told you I’d be right eventually.
GLORIA
Okay. Everybody inside. Time to make plans.
WE SLOWLY TRANSITION TO THE SOUNDS OF A BUST DMV OFFICE. A PHONE IS RINGING.
CASPAR
Hello?... Yeah, look I can’t talk about this right now, I’m slammed, okay? We’ll.... We’ll have to talk about it later, I’m not doing this now. Goodbye.
CASPAR HANGS UP.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
322? When you sign the wait list you need a first and last name okay? Clementine?
CLEMENTINE
Yes. That’s me.
CASPAR
What’s your last name, Clementine?
CLEMENTINE
Oh. I don’t have one.
CASPAR
You don’t have one.
CLEMENTINE
No. Can I get one here?
CASPAR
No, Clementine, you cannot get a last name at the Department of Motor Vehicles. Is there anything else I can help you with?
CLEMENTINE
Yes... Yes, I think there is, Caspar.
END OF CHAPTER 21.