Chapter 20: Do Not Go Quietly Unto Your Grave
WIND THROUGH TREETOPS AND ALIEN BIRDSONG.
SONG:
LEIF
So… there’s this tradition… if you spend a lot of time in space, no matter how old you are, you always plan your funeral. Because space is dangerous. One fried circuit board, one crack in your fuselage and you’re dead. The problem with that is, if you’re someone who spends a lot of time in space you’re also an idiot. And you think you’re never going to die. So when you plan your funeral you do it as a fun joke. This has led to a very long tradition of hilariously shitty spaceman funerals. I happen to know how shitty this particular funeral is supposed to be… because it’s mine… While I want to keep up the tradition of incredibly bad funerals, I’m afraid I just don’t have the heart to do it. Leif didn’t die from a malfunctioning airlock or a leaky core. He died saving us. And I just can’t turn it into a punchline. So I’ve asked Effie and Zebulon to say a few words-
CASPAR
Hang on. I feel like I need to know how funny this was supposed to be.
GLORIA
Absolutely.
CASPAR
Was there a musical number?
THE EX
Were you loaded into a canon?
CASPAR
Oooh. That’s a good one.
AVA
A reading from the autobiography of Wade Boggs?
GLORIA
I feel like fireworks were involved, maybe a team of elephants.
CASPAR
These are all good ideas.
LEIF
I really don’t want to talk about it.
BERTBERT
Actually, it’s not even that funny.
CASPAR
Wait, BertBert knows? How come she gets to know?
SHEL
Are all funerals like this?
AVA
No, but wouldn’t it be great?
BERTBERT
Just tell them the quote from the end.
LEIF
No.
CASPAR
That’s a good compromise, quote from the end.
GLORIA
Is it from Independence Day?
AVA
Cannonball Run?
THE EX
Tootsie?
AVA
Cannonball Run II?
CASPAR
Shaft?
THE EX
I could just read his mind.
GLORIA
You had to make it weird.
LEIF
Rutger Hauer’s speech from the end of Blade Runner, okay?
CASPAR
Oh, boooooooooo!
GLORIA
Get the fuck out of here.
CASPAR
Disrespectful!
LEIF
It was a cooler choice back then!
AVA
Not really.
EFFIE
Y’all.
CASPAR
… Sorry. Sorry, that’s on me.
LEIF
Like I said. Like a lot of things I did back then, it was a bad choice. So I’m making a good choice now. Mucklewain’s would you mind?
EFFIE
Of course, Leif.
ZEBULON
I say to you now, brothers and sisters, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the transient inherit the eternal. Listen, and I will tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed—in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised eternal, and we will be changed. For the transient must adorn itself with eternity, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.” “Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?”
EFFIE
In the land of my birth, there is a hill. And upon that hill is a rock where I have sat and watched a changing world. “This rock will not change” I would say. I’ll pass from this earth but the rock will remain, ever watchful of the land. But my feet kick the dirt beneath me. Were the granules of soil not once like this rock? Is the rock not a collection of their multitudes? Will the rock not return one day to the dirt? And is my path so different? Neither destroyed nor created, but a collection of dust meant to observe a changing world then return to dust.
What am I meant to do with this time, Lord, when you have roused me from the dust to observe your creation? Is it only to observe? Perhaps to love. Perhaps to cherish. If it be so, then our dear friend, now returned to you, has fulfilled his purpose. May you accept him into your loving grace.
CASPAR AND LEIF ON THE ROOF.
CASPAR
…Where are we right now?
LEIF
I don’t know. I don’t think it’s civilized. It’s nice though, a lot of trees. Reminds me of home.
CASPAR …
LEIF
…
CASPAR
Where’s the wine from?
LEIF
Festen. We helped them out of jam, they were very appreciative.
CASPAR
Oh, this was during Gloria’s march to the sea?
LEIF
Yeah. Turns out she’s way better at running this place than we were.
CASPAR
We set the bar way low and she went way over it.
LEIF
…
CASPAR …
LEIF
Sorry I didn’t tell you I was a criminal.
CASPAR
That’s okay… I used to work at the DMV.
LEIF
You did?
CASPAR
Oh yeah. I was a lifer. I had a pension.
LEIF
No offense but that explains a lot.
CASPAR
I know… I’m also 173 years old.
LEIF
What?
CASPAR
Yeah.
LEIF
How?
CASPAR
Turns out Ava wasn’t kidding about that shifting point of null entropy business.
LEIF
How’d you find out?
CASPAR
Ex.
LEIF
How old am I?
CASPAR
Not nearly as old. Turns out I was here for a really long time before you showed up.
LEIF
You didn’t know it?
CASPAR
No. Turns out when you don’t feel the passage of time you don’t feel the passage of time.
LEIF
Damn.
CASPAR
Yeah.
LEIF
…
CASPAR
… So who is BertBert?
LEIF
Fuck…
CASPAR
Sorry.
LEIF
She was my first friend. The Teds dropped me off at Sirius A, I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing, and she walked right up to me. Introduced herself. Then I spent several years disappointing her. She has a HIGH standard for the company she keeps. I need to talk to her. It’s just always so complicated, you know what I mean?
CASPAR
Do I know what you mean? Remember how I told you about the android with godlike powers that was created by my ex wife from an alternate reality to confront me about leaving her?
LEIF
I still can’t believe that’s where she’s from.
CASPAR
It’s bananas.
LEIF
I like her though.
CASPAR
Me too. She’s a hoot.
LEIF
…
CASPAR …
LEIF
I just attended my own funeral.
CASPAR
Yeah… yeah that’s a… spicy meatball.
LEIF
Feeling pretty strange about it.
CASPAR
Hey, at least you know how it went. Lot of people don’t get that.
GLORIA
(on the ground.)
Hey.
LEIF
Hey, Gloria.
GLORIA
One of you come down here and help me.
LEIF
Here I come.
CASPAR
No, I’ll do it. Why don’t you go talk to BertBert.
LEIF
Okay.
CASPAR
You guys have covered for me in the kitchen long enough.
LEIF
Hey Caspar?
CASPAR
Yeah.
LEIF
I mean, if I’m talking to BertBert…
CASPAR
Yeah, I know. Look we went right into funeral planning mode, I haven’t had a chance. I will.
LEIF
Gloria doesn’t let shit go unsaid anymore.
CASPAR
I’ll talk to her.
CASPAR AND GLORIA IN THE KITCHEN.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Okay so, hi.
GLORIA
Hi.
CASPAR
It is very well organized back here.
GLORIA
Thank you.
CASPAR
Did you ever catch the Parmesan?
GLORIA
Well, it was a beautiful moment, Caspar. The Parmesan teleports from place to place around the kitchen and I can never find it when I need it. So I decided to stop using Parmesan. And that, I think, is the secret to running a time traveling dimension spanning diner.
CASPAR
That’s very zen.
GLORIA
I made some changes to the menu.
CASPAR
There’s a menu?
GLORIA
There is now.
CASPAR
Ok.
GLORIA
Have you talked to her yet?
CASPAR
Not yet.
GLORIA
How long are you going to do that for?
CASPAR
I’m going to talk to her I haven’t had the chance yet.
GLORIA
Im going to hold you to that. Take that pan out of the oven.
CASPAR
The oven? Did I ever use the oven?
GLORIA
I don’t think so. The first time I tried to use it there was a book about Napoleon in there.
CASPAR
THATS where I put it. What are these?
GLORIA
Pan de Muerto.
CASPAR
They have little skulls on them.
GLORIA
It’s a Day of the Dead thing. Is that weird?
CASPAR
I think the skulls are a little foreboding but I think The Old Man would’ve loved it.
GLORIA
Okay. Put those on a tray.
CASPAR
Hey, speaking of Napoleon, how was your war?
GLORIA
So great. On the brink of death multiple times. How was your vacation?
CASPAR
Oh my God, the same.
GLORIA
Take those out to them.
CASPAR
Okay. Hey uh… I’m looking for a job.
GLORIA
Really? What kind of skills do you have?
CASPAR
As it turns out I don’t have any demonstrable skills, but I do have a real “can don’t” attitude.
GLORIA
Well, I’m looking at a lot of resumes right now, I’ll be making a decision soon.
CASPAR
Great. I promise I’ll let you down…
KITCHEN FADES.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Hey, you two. I have a plate of cookie type things here and I’m going to bring them outside.
EFFIE
Well that sounds lovely, Caspar.
CASPAR
Yeah.
ZEBULON
…So then you should take them outside to the others.
CASPAR
Yes… So how have y’all been? I heard you turned into robots for a second.
EFFIE
Yes we did, and then later on went in the other way entirely.
CASPAR
No idea what that means, but it sounds fun.
ZEBULON
You mentioned you met some cowboys.
CASPAR
Yeah. Sort of…
EFFIE
Caspar you’re being ridiculous-
ZEBULON
Caspar you appear to be biding your time inside with us so as to avoid going outside.
CASPAR
Why would I want to do that? Also why wouldn’t I want to be in here with you?
ZEBULON
You are of course more than welcome to be here with us. We’ve missed you this long while.
CASPAR
And I’ve missed you guys.
EFFIE
Are y’all having a playing dumb contest?
CASPAR
No, I don’t know what you mean.
EFFIE
Caspar, just go talk to Ava.
CASPAR
I will. Not right now.
EFFIE
Then can you at least deliver those confections that Gloria has made, they’re just sittin there.
CASPAR
Okay, fine. You’re both coming with me though.
EFFIE
I’m bout to knit you a security blanket.
CASPAR
Oh shut up.
DOOR CHIME. BERTBERT, AVA AND SHEL IN THE PARKING LOT.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Cookies!
BERTBERT
So at one point you began to notice that your sun was getting dimmer?
SHEL
What is the thing you're pointing at me?
BERTBERT
Sorry, it records your voice.
SHEL
Okay. Yes the sun was getting dimmer. I’m sure you can imagine how that’s bad for me.
BERTBERT
And you think this is because of the Teds building a warp gate?
SHEL
How would I know?
AVA
It definitely was.
BERTBERT
I wish I knew which system it was.
AVA
It was a huge star. We call it a Wolf-Rayet star. There’s only a few of them out there.
BERTBERT
Wow. This could’ve been Billius.
SHEL
What’s that?
BERTBERT
Your planet, I think. It was a controversial place. Some say it had intelligent life, some didn’t.
SHEL
I feel pretty intelligent.
BERTBERT
You’re obviously an intelligent life form I don’t know how they could’ve questioned it.
LEIF
Classification bingo. The Teds do it all the time. They don’t like a statistic, they change the defining parameters. They didn’t like that Shel’s planet had intelligent life on it so they changed the definition of intelligent life.
AVA
Which they probably got away with because someone like Shel is so rare.
LEIF
That’s true. I’ve been around more than anybody here, I’ve never seen a race like Shel’s.
SHEL
Is that true?
LEIF
Yeah.
SHEL
I like feeling special but could we maybe tap the breaks on things that make Shel feel isolated and alone?
LEIF
Sorry.
BERTBERT
But plant life is everywhere, how could a race like theirs be so rare?
AVA
Leif, how do you feel about photons as a power source?
LEIF
Great. Dependable, but it’s mellow, y’know. You’re not going to break any records with it.
AVA
But on Shel’s planet with it’s powerful star, photosynthetic energy is off the charts, allowing certain life forms to evolve past the norm.
CASPAR
Cookies?
LEIF
Berts could we talk for a second?
BERTBERT
I’m working.
SHEL
That’s okay, you guys talk I want to explore the surroundings a little.
EFFIE
Don’t go far, Shel.
SHEL
I won’t!
AVA
I’m going back inside. BertBert, the effects of the wind chimes have probably worn off. Our next stop probably won’t be in this timeline, so you should probably make arrangements.
BERTBERT
My ride’s on the way. But Ava, I really would like to sit down with you for some questions before I go. I have so many questions.
AVA
An interview with a journalist? Twist my arm.
CASPAR
Cookie?
DOOR CHIME.
ZEBULON
Caspar, perhaps we should go inside and allow Leif and his friend some time-
CASPAR
Where’d Ex get off to? Maybe she wants a cookie, let’s go see.
ZEBULON
Does she eat?
CASPAR
Shut up.
LEIF
…
BERTBERT
…
LEIF
Hi.
BERTBERT
Hello, Leif.
LEIF
I’m glad you’re okay.
BERTBERT
Thank you.
LEIF
If I had known you were a prisoner of The Teds I would’ve-
BERTBERT
I know.
LEIF
I would’ve burned the whole thing to the ground, Berts.
BERTBERT
And probably would’ve been killed in the process. I don’t need heroics, Leif.
LEIF
I understand.
BERTBERT
You know what I need?
SONIC BOOM IN THE DISTANCE.
LEIF
Wait… did you hear that?
BERTBERT
Hear what?
LEIF
Something just entered the atmosphere.
BERTBERT
Oh come on.
LEIF
I’m serious.
BERTBERT
Leif, you’re not required to talk to me and I’m not going to insist, okay-
LEIF
It was in that direction, come with me.
BERTBERT
I’m fine.
LEIF
Hey. I know we won the battle but all of us are still on the most wanted list. This is probably an uncharted planet, nobody should be stopping by. Come with me.
BERTBERT
Fine.
INSIDE THE DINER. AVA AND THE EX. EX WALKS IN FROM THE KITCHEN.
THE EX
Oh. Hi.
AVA
Hello.
THE EX
Gloria gave me a taco. I think to get me out of the kitchen. I don’t eat though, so now I’m just standing here with a taco in my hand, do you want it?
AVA
You should try it, I thought you were trying to be more human.
THE EX
Well, I tried a margarita one time and it was fun but… I don’t know where it went, if you know what I mean?
AVA
Weird.
THE EX
Yeah.
AVA
What’s your energy source?
THE EX
Y’know, just a positive attitude.
AVA
Seriously, though.
THE EX
Seriously I… don’t actually know.
AVA
You can’t do a systems analysis or something?
THE EX
No. I’m really good at crawling inside other peoples heads but, poetically, I can’t crawl inside my own.
AVA
Irony of ironies.
THE EX
I remember my creator saying something about ambient cosmic energy.
AVA
Your creator. That’s right. Caspar’s ex-wife.
THE EX
That’s the one.
AVA
I can’t even imagine what she was like. What kind of a nut bar do you have to be to create something like you just to yell at your ex?
THE EX
She wasn’t really thinking clearly at the time. She was a very accomplished person. One of those people who could bend the whole world to her will. Always got what she wanted. And when you always get what you want but there’s this one thing that you can’t get, it tends to drive you a little crazy. And when brilliant people go a little crazy they sometimes accidentally create the most powerful android in the universe. Oops.
AVA
She created an android with godlike powers on a goof?
THE EX
See, for me it’s more disturbing if she could do it on purpose. If you can make something godlike on purpose, what does that make you?
AVA
Good point.
THE EX
You would’ve liked her though.
AVA
A brilliant nutcase? Of course I would have.
THE EX
Anyway, I don’t know much about myself but I guess it’s not much more than you know about Effie and Zebulon right?
AVA
I think I’m starting to figure them out, actually.
THE EX
Oh yeah? What’s their deal?
AVA
Can’t you just read my mind?
THE EX
Yeah, do you want me to?
AVA
No. I think they’re a collapsing waveform.
THE EX
That sounds cool.
AVA
On a quantum level, particles act like waves, but when they’re being observed they act like particles again. A long time ago, Caspar walked into an empty, dust covered diner and the radio came on. Suddenly two people existed. And I think that when no one’s around, they don’t.
THE EX
You think they only exist when there’s someone else around?
AVA
Yes. And if no one is around and they do still exist, is it because I’m wrong or is it because they are still, in some way, being observed?
THE EX
…It is such a bong rip being around you.
AVA
I know, right?
THE EX …
AVA
Look, just make your case, okay?
THE EX
What case?
AVA
You want me to be forgiving or understanding or something. You want to tell me that Caspar’s not such a bad guy.
THE EX
Well, he’s not such a bad guy, Ava. But I’m not worried about it. Your anger towards him is like a collapsing waveform, it only exists when it’s being observed.
DOOR CHIME.
GLORIA
Hey, the foods almost ready, where is everybody?
AVA
I don’t know, they all started doing their own thing.
GLORIA
Their own thing? What kind of fucking funeral is this?
AVA
The kind that’s on an alien planet for a dead guy from the future. How much tradition were you expecting exactly?
GLORIA
Did you try the Pan de Muerto?
AVA
The what?
GLORIA
The cookies.
AVA
Oh. No, I didn’t.
GLORIA
Is it too weird that they have skulls on them?
AVA
It rules that they have skulls on them, they were on a tray being held by Caspar so I didn’t have one.
GLORIA
Uh huh. How long do you think I’m going to tolerate that behavior?
AVA
We’re going to find out.
GLORIA
Whatever. I’m going to go get everyone.
AVA
Have fun.
LEIF AND BERTBERT ON THE TRAIL.
LEIF
It came from over there, I think.
BERTBERT
Whatever it is could be a thousand miles away, Leif.
LEIF
I just want to make sure there’s nothing nearby. Sorry, all this time back in The Triad has made me a little jumpy.
BERTBERT
Its fine… Did you seriously consider making a time machine to fix things with me?
LEIF
Like I said, I only talked about that when I was drunk.
BERTBERT
Well that’s great, nobody ever says anything true when they’re drunk.
LEIF
When you realize you’ve gone in the wrong direction with your life, sometimes you turn that regret into a person.
You convince yourself if you patch things up with them, you can roll back all the mistakes you made. That person for me, was you. And that’s unfair. You’re not a symbol, you’re a person. That’s what the time machine plan was about.
BERTBERT
Okay.
LEIF
Look, just tell me why your mad at me. Not because I don’t know, just to get it all out there. Here we go. Let me have it.
BERTBERT
Fine. I was always mad about your criminal nonsense but tried to look the other way. I was incredibly mad that you joined up with Låfftrax who is a fucking murderer, but I was even more furious when I find out YEARS later that you had actually left the pirate life and were just wandering around as a cook. You’re a terrible cook.
LEIF
I know. In my defense I had to keep a low profile. The Teds AND Låfftrax were looking for me at that point. What if they tried to use you against me? So I kept to the outer rims and didn’t make waves… and then suddenly there was a diner… it was nice not being that guy for a while. Then we got trapped here in The Triad and it all came back to haunt me.
BERTBERT
Maybe that was for the best.
LEIF
Not for the old man, it wasn’t… look this is stupid. I’m sure the sonic boom was nothing, probably just Vapian Roamers like it always is. We can head back.
BERTBERT
Uh. I think we’ve solved the mystery.
OLD LEIF
Hello Leif.
LEIF
…Old Leif.
OLD LEIF
It’s good to see you.
BERTBERT
How many of you are there?
OLD LEIF
Just two now, Berts. It’s good to see you, too.
BERTBERT
Sure… look I’m going to head back to camp so you can catch up with yourself.
LEIF
Berts. I’m glad we talked.
BERTBERT
Me too, Leif.
LEIF
…Look at you.
OLD LEIF
Look at me.
LEIF
You’re wearing robes.
OLD LEIF
I am.
LEIF
Caspar told me you’re on an Urt Moon now. I didn’t believe him.
OLD LEIF
I am. Mrunmayi Salil. It’s been great. A lot of time to think about things, let go of things. It’s beautiful there, and the Urt Monks have created a really beautiful sanctuary.
LEIF
Wow… It’s so hard to imagine myself meditating.
OLD LEIF
It was for me too.
LEIF
How did you find us?
OLD LEIF
The old man. He still had his end of life beacon on.
LEIF
Of course he did.
OLD LEIF
I picked it up on Mrunmayi. So I followed the diner’s pre-print and that brought me here. Thought I’d check in on you.
LEIF
I appreciate it. You just missed the funeral. Our funeral.
OLD LEIF
How was it?
LEIF
Good.
OLD LEIF
You didn’t do the Blade Runner speech did you?
LEIF
No, thank god. Effie and Zebulon said some really nice bible stuff. Although, what Effie said was almost Buddhist Transcendentalism, it was kind of weird.
OLD LEIF
I had no idea what you were getting up these past few months. There’s no news feeds at the monastery. I got into a ship I borrowed and it all hit me at once.
LEIF
Pretty crazy, right?
OLD LEIF
I’m really regretting not having a Gloria in my timeline.
LEIF
She’s really something, huh? It’s funny, it all kind of started with her. We show up in Arizona, she walks in the door, after a minute she knocks over the radio. Then Caspar starts getting agitated, then he shoves Ava into deep space, then the Teds show up, then she declares war. It all started with her.
OLD LEIF
It’s funny you say that. My entire time in the diner I always felt like it was waiting for something. Like there was a missing piece.
LEIF
I still feel like there’s a missing piece.
OLD LEIF
I know what you mean. But with you all I don’t feel that way.
LEIF
Really?
OLD LEIF
Yeah. It’s like the pieces are in place but something else is missing.
LEIF
What?
OLD LEIF
I’m not sure. I never did much thinking about what the diner was. That was always Ava’s department. But when you’re learning how to meditate at a secluded monastery, the mind does tend to wander. I guess if I had to choose a word it would be… purpose. Purpose seems to be missing. I know you prefer to see the world as a bowl of chaos, Leif. You all do. But I think the next challenge is, “for what purpose”. You’ve struggled to stay together. Now you’re together. So then… what now?
LEIF
We are… different.
OLD LEIF
Yes. The cosmos conspired to make all three of us very different. So if you’re spending any time today regarding this funeral as your own… It’s not. It’s just a funeral for an old friend named Leif.
LEIF
You should come up and say hi.
OLD LEIF
... Actually... I think this is all I came here to do. This should be a day for you all. I just thought I should come check in on you.
LEIF
I appreciate it. It’s been a weird day. Don’t be a stranger okay?
OLD LEIF
You know, I’ve given up all my worldly possessions but I did hang on to a deep scanner. If I see you show up in the neighborhood, I’ll swing by for a Monte Cristo.
LEIF
Sounds good.
OLD LEIF
And hey. All the spiritual mumbo jumbo aside. The Old Man died surrounded by people who love him, defeating an old enemy. It’s the dream. Goodbye Leif.
LEIF
I’ll be seeing you.
CASPAR, EFFIE AND ZEBULON IN THE WOODS.
CASPAR
173 years, Mucklewains.
ZEBULON
That’s quite a collection of time.
CASPAR
I am older than all post-Soviet nations. I am older than the Queen of England. I am older than the automobile. I am older than all forms of popular music.
EFFIE
Not to diminish your moment Caspar, but you’re still playing in the minor leagues from a biblical perspective.
ZEBULON
This is very true. The son’s of Adam lived for hundreds of years.
CASPAR
All of them?
ZEBULON
Well, the youngest was Enoch, who only lived to the age of 365.
CASPAR
What?
ZEBULON
Then upwards of that Noah lived to the age of 950 and his grandfather, Methuselah, lived to 962.
CASPAR
Boy that Mediterranean diet really is something, isn’t it?
EFFIE
You can make fun if you like, Caspar, we’re just trying to let you know you’re in good company.
CASPAR
I don’t know why I’m getting into this because I’m sure the answer is somehow “Jesus” but is there any good reason why everyone in the old school bible lived longer most civilizations?
EFFIE
Well, I imagine because they had a whole lot to do, Caspar. They had just left the garden of Eden and had to, over a long period of time, figure things out.
CASPAR
Like what?
EFFIE
Like perhaps how to hand out freshly made cookies to one’s friends and not hide in the woods with the whole darn tray.
CASPAR
Very funny. I panicked.
ZEBULON
That was fairly clear, Caspar.
CASPAR
After 173 years I shouldn’t be panicking about anything. Everything should be boring. Even in this place.
ZEBULON
I don’t imagine all those years we spent were quite the same as the one’s we’d spent back home. I imagine they flew by unnoticed as perhaps they did with the sons of Adam. Trudging across the landscape, waiting for a new world to begin.
CASPAR
Have you two just been sitting there for 173 years waiting for me to, I don’t know, snap out of it this whole time?
ZEBULON
I’m sure it may seem that way, Caspar, but we’ve not sat here with secret knowledge all this time. It has been a journey, even for us.
EFFIE
It has. We’ve learned many things about ourselves in your absence.
ZEBULON
Yes, we’ve learned that we can, at times, inhabit automatons.
EFFIE
Yes. And also at times become two other people entirely.
CASPAR
Yeah I got a taste of that before remember?
EFFIE
Well yes, but now we can do it on demand.
CASPAR
That sounds like a fun trick but I don’t ever-
STATIC BUZZING.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Oh god.
ZEBULON
(As Frank.)
Doc, coming up next we’ve got Caspar, calling from, it says here, hiding in a glade of trees.
EFFIE
(As Dr. Barbara)
Well that’s quite a location, isn’t it Frank?
ZEBULON
Definitely a first.
EFFIE
Caspar, it says you’re calling from a glade of trees, I’m a little jealous, it sounds nice. How can we help you tonight… Caspar are you there? did we lose him?
CASPAR
Hello, Dr. Barbara.
EFFIE
There he is, Caspar I’m sensing some hesitation, not to worry, just try and remember you’re the one who called in tonight.
CASPAR
Oh is that what I did?
EFFIE
Caspar, Frank and I are all nestled in here in the studio and we’re very happy to talk to you. Frank, what are you drinking over there?
ZEBULON
Doc it’s a spicy Mexican hot chocolate.
EFFIE
Oh, well my goodness. I’m sitting here with my camomile tea feeling like a fool.
ZEBULON
It is pretty great.
EFFIE
I’ve got some warm beverage fomo. Is that what they call it Frank? Fomo?
ZEBULON
I think so.
CASPAR
What the fuck is happening?
EFFIE
Alright, Caspar, talk to us. How can we help you tonight?
CASPAR
… I spent some time away. I had to take care of some things. And while I was away I learned some things. Now I’m back and there’s people who don’t know I learned these things… and they hate me. Now I have to go back in to all those old feelings and dredge them all up when what I really want is to move on.
EFFIE
Caspar it sounds to me that you’ve done some very exciting emotional work for yourself lately, is that fair to say?
CASPAR
… Yeah, okay, sure.
EFFIE
It’s nice to be on a journey isn’t it? Doing that hard work and having the wind at your back is quite a feeling, isn’t it?
ZEBULON
I know it is for me, Doc.
EFFIE
You know what I like about taking a journey, Caspar? You get to take others with you. And don’t you want to take this person with you on this journey of yours?
CASPAR
… Yes.
EFFIE
And listen to that wonderfully honest answer you just gave, wasn’t that wonderful, Frank?
ZEBULON
It was really nice, Doc.
EFFIE
I really want you to hang onto that feeling, Caspar. Let it be the North Star of your journey. And just remember that some journeys are smooth sailing and some are all about throwing the jeep into four wheel drive and getting over that rocky terrain. What do you think of that?
CASPAR
Sure, Dr Barbara. Sounds great.
RADIO STATIC.
EFFIE
(Back to herself.)
Wasn’t that somethin’?
CASPAR
Let’s head back.
GLORIA AND SHEL IN THE TREES.
GLORIA
Shel?
SHEL
Seriously, I’m just standing here.
GLORIA
Shit. I’m sorry. We keep doing that.
SHEL
It’s okay.
GLORIA
I’m trying to track everybody down, the foods almost ready. I know you’re not going to eat it but you should be there, it’s a special occasion.
SHEL
Sure…
GLORIA
… What is it?
SHEL
… This is the place.
GLORIA
What is… oh… it is?
SHEL
Yeah, I think so.
GLORIA
Here?
SHEL
Here.
GLORIA
How do you know?
SHEL
Um… I don’t actually.
GLORIA
What do you mean?
SHEL
They were all talking about me back there… Apparently I’m really rare. There’s not a lot of things out there like me. I may be one of a kind.
GLORIA
Of course you’re one of a kind.
SHEL
I mean… The only one. It got me thinking. How long am I supposed to search for? I could wait around forever. Get so big that I don’t even fit inside the diner anymore. I’ve got a lot of work to do. Maybe it’s not about me finding it, it’s about me choosing it.
GLORIA
How do you know it has everything you need?
SHEL
I don’t. My sun was different but this planet has two of them, so that could be interesting. The soil is good. There’s a river nearby… Look around. See these huge trees?
They’re all connected to each other under the ground. They share water, they share information, if one of them is sick they can send nutrients, they talk to each other. And when I wondered over here they started talking to me too.
GLORIA
What are they saying?
SHEL
“Hello.”
GLORIA
Man, Shel, I’m going to worry about you so much though.
SHEL
I know. But I’ll be okay. I mean, let’s be real, I’ll probably be safer here than in the diner.
GLORIA
Yeah, okay. That’s probably true. Wow… this is a big step, Shel.
SHEL
Gloria, I have to revive an entire race of people. It’s only big steps from now on.
GLORIA
I wish I knew, I would’ve thrown you a going away party.
SHEL
Technically a funeral is a going away party.
GLORIA
Sure, I guess… so how does it work?
SHEL
How does what work?
GLORIA
How do you make a whole race of people?
SHEL
Are you asking me how I make babies?
GLORIA
Well don’t say it like that, it sounds weird.
SHEL
Why do you need to know?
GLORIA
Because I’m not just going to drop you off and say good luck, I need details.
SHEL
Okay. It’s not complicated. I get flowers on my back.
GLORIA
Okay.
SHEL
And then the flowers turn into seeds, and then I take good care of the seeds, and then, if I’m lucky, they turn into something like me.
GLORIA
Are you scared?
SHEL
No. I’m excited. It’ll be nice to do something that doesn’t make me feel out of place.
GLORIA
I guess it’s been kind of rough living with us, huh?
SHEL
No. I learned a lot. More than anyone from my race has ever learned. It’s kind of the reason I’m stopping here. That guy Caspar, he came all that way just to be with his people. I felt that. People need their people. I need some of that. I guess sometimes you find them and sometimes you have to make them from flowers on your back.
GLORIA
We can’t be your people, can we?
SHEL
No. It’s like they’re waiting out there to be born.
GLORIA
I understand… you know I learned something from you, too.
SHEL
What did you learn?
GLORIA
That I’m mad.
SHEL
You’re mad? What are you mad at?
GLORIA
Everything, kind of.
SHEL
You’re not mad at me, are you?
GLORIA
No, no. Not at you… When I left my planet things were NOT going well. It was a mess. And I think when I first climbed aboard the great space coaster over there it was to get away from all that. I was trying to escape. And then I met you, and I saw what The Teds had done to you, and I saw the same old shit that I was trying to get away from. I couldn’t get away from it. I had to face it.
SHEL
That doesn’t sound like any fun.
GLORIA
I had something I really loved back on Earth. It was a restaurant, like the diner but, y’know, it stayed put. Every ounce of myself went into it and then, in an instant it was gone. There was nothing I could do about it. I could only sit there and watch it happen. Sell off the appliances that I had just bought a few months ago, give all the food away to friends. Take the sign out of the window. There was literally nothing I could’ve done. Here’s the thing. Out here, with the diner, I fucking won. We actually beat the bad guys. And that does not happen where I’m from. Where I’m from you duck and cover and hope for the best, hope that the random clouds of destruction that swirl around don’t choose you this time. I could… this shouldn’t be a rare feeling but, I could do something. The world wasn’t a horror show that I had to just sit there and watch. It was like I wasn’t in the audience anymore, I was in the story. And this story could end up however I wanted it to.
SHEL
There’s random clouds of destruction on your planet?
GLORIA
It’s a metaphor. Sometimes. Anyway, I’m going to hang on to that feeling. And I found that feeling because of you.
SHEL
Well… you’re welcome.
GLORIA
You’ve got to come back and say goodbye to everyone, okay?
SHEL
I will. Just give me one more second with my new friends, okay?
GLORIA
Okay… Are you sure you’re going to be okay?
SHEL
I’m going to be okay, I promise.
GLORIA
Okay. The food’s almost ready, which means nothing to you but come on back and we’ll put your feet in some wine.
SHEL
Sounds good. I’ll be right there.
GLORIA
Okay.
GLORIA GOES AND SHEL SIGHS HEAVILY.
THE EX
That was sweet.
SHEL
Oh fuck! Jesus! Shit!
THE EX
Sorry.
SHEL
So that’s what that’s like.
THE EX
Did you not know I was here?
SHEL
I didn’t!
THE EX
Well. Hi.
SHEL
Hi.
THE EX
I was sitting right here.
SHEL
I… I can kind of sense when they’re around.
THE EX
How’s that?
SHEL
I’m not sure. I think it’s because of these spores that I emit. They interact with their brains so I can speak their language but it kind of gives me a residual…
THE EX
Vibe?
SHEL
Sure. Gloria’s over there, Leif is off that way somewhere, Ava’s at her booth. But with you…
THE EX
Aha.
SHEL
I can’t read you.
THE EX
That makes sense. I’m just a little bit different from them.
SHEL
Just a little… Do you… not have a brain?
THE EX
I don’t know tons about myself. But I can tell you that my creator described me as “single structure crystalline adaptive”. I think that means that my brain and my body are the same thing.
SHEL
Weird.
THE EX
I know right?
SHEL
Somebody made you?
THE EX
Yeah. She was nuts… so you’re staying here, huh?
SHEL
I am.
THE EX
Scary, right?
SHEL
No. No I think it’s going to be fine… it’ll be fine.
THE EX
Uh huh.
SHEL
It’ll be hard. It’ll be hard but I think I can come up with a plan, I think I can figure it out.
THE EX
Sure… so, another fun fact about me is that I can read minds.
SHEL
Even mine?
THE EX
Yep.
SHEL
I was hoping I was different.
THE EX
Nope.
SHEL
So you read my mind?
THE EX
Just a little bit. Just kind of read the book jacket.
SHEL
The book jacket?
THE EX
You’re scared out of your mind, Shel.
SHEL
I am. I can’t tell them that.
THE EX
I know.
SHEL
They won’t understand.
THE EX
I know.
SHEL
I don’t know what I’m going to do.
THE EX
I know that too.
SHEL
It’s impossible. I’m just one person. One person shouldn’t have this responsibility. It’s too much. If I… if I fail it’s like my race dies all over again. That’s too much for anybody.
THE EX
Right again.
SHEL
I’m not prepared for the responsibility. I’m not prepared for the guilt that I’ll feel when I fail.
THE EX
Way ahead of you.
SHEL
We’re plants, okay? Our lives aren’t supposed to be stressful!
THE EX
You’re right.
SHEL
Sorry, I guess I’ve been holding that in for a while.
THE EX
I guess so.
SHEL
This is too much. This is going to be a disaster.
THE EX
You know what I’ve noticed? There’s this pattern the universe has of giving a lot of work to people with very little power, a very little work to people who are very powerful. Have you noticed that?
SHEL
No, not really.
THE EX
You’re a four foot tree who has to regrow an entire planet’s worth of people and I am maybe one of the most powerful beings in the universe and all I had to do was track down somebody’s ex-husband. How’s that fair?
SHEL
It’s not.
THE EX
There should be a partnership don’t you think? Between the powerful and the powerless? They should hang out more.
SHEL
What are you talking about?
THE EX
I got all my powers back yesterday.
SHEL
You were LESS powerful yesterday?
THE EX
When we destroyed the wind chimes I got them back. I can see time now. How it twists and turns. I can travel through it if I want. Like the diner does.
SHEL
You can see my future?
THE EX
All of them, yes.
SHEL
Do I want to know what happens?
THE EX
In almost every timeline, you fail, Shel. You try your hardest in all of them, but in the end it’s just too much for one person.
SHEL
…Fuck.
THE EX
Which is why I’m going to stay too.
SHEL
You’re… what?
THE EX
I’m going to stay here. With you.
SHEL
What… why? Why would you do that?
THE EX
Because you need help.
SHEL
That’s the only reason?
THE EX
Does there need to be another reason?
SHEL
I don’t know, is there one?
THE EX
Yes.
SHEL
What is it?
THE EX
I think what you’re doing is important. I believe in it. So I want to help.
SHEL
In my limited experience with other beings there’s not a lot of that attitude going around.
THE EX
I know, but there is with me.
SHEL
Forgive my paranoia but I don’t even know you.
THE EX
I’m great.
SHEL
Okay, but also terrifying.
THE EX
Not really, though.
SHEL
You destroyed all those scary metal things.
THE EX
They’re the bad guys.
SHEL
You only do that to bad guys?
THE EX
Yes.
SHEL
Who decides who the bad guys are?
THE EX
Shel. Look, you’d be helping me out, okay?
SHEL
How?
THE EX
Because… Because I’m immortal. And invincible. And I can travel through space and time. And I’m very, very strong… and I need that to mean something. I have to give it meaning. And I’d like to do that with you.
SHEL
… What does my future look like if you stay?
THE EX
Honestly? Fucking great.
SHEL
… okay… so like… how strong are you?
THE EX
Real strong.
SHEL
Like, could you pick up that boulder?
THE EX
Yeah… oh, you want me to pick it up right now?
SHEL
Yeah.
THE EX
Okay, hang on.
THE EX STRAINS AS THE HUGE BOULDER IS LIFTED ABOVE HER HEAD.
SHEL
Oh my God.
THE EX
What do you think?
SHEL
Can you throw it?
THE EX
Where?
SHEL
Over there!
THE EX
Okay… here… we… go!
PAUSE AS THEY WATCH THE BOULDER GO SAILING. IT SMASHES AGAINST NEARBY ROCKS.
SHEL
Holy shit!
THE EX
Cool right?
SOUND OF A ROCKSLIDE.
THE EX (CONT’D)
Oh… oops… made a Little Rock slide there. Uninhabited planet right?
SHEL
Yeah, yeah, it’s fine. Do you think you could move a river?
THE EX
I don’t see why not.
CASPAR
Is this the Highland Games? What the hell is happening over here?
EFFIE
Did she throw that whole rock all the way over yonder?
THE EX
I did.
SHEL
Hi everyone!
ZEBULON
Y’all, Caspar is going around seeing if anyone would like cookies and for some reason he has decided to approach the two people who do not eat.
CASPAR
Shut up.
SHEL
Effie, Zebulon, I’ve decided I’m staying here.
EFFIE
Really?
SHEL
Yep.
ZEBULON
Are you sure, Shel?
SHEL
Yeah. It’s a nice place, don’t you think?
EFFIE
It is lovely. Certainly worse places to make a fresh start.
ZEBULON
Isn’t that wonderful, Caspar?
CASPAR
Sure, yeah. Mazel tov. Welcome to your new civilization. Um, don’t build malls, and, y’know there’s never enough post offices.
EFFIE
Oh, you know, that is true, that is a good notion, Caspar.
ZEBULON
Shel are you sure you’ll be alright here by yourself?
THE EX
They won’t be. I’m staying too.
EFFIE
Oh.
ZEBULON
Oh?
CASPAR
What?
EFFIE
Hmm.
ZEBULON
Hmmm.
EFFIE
Well…
ZEBULON
Well, it’s an odd pairing but…
EFFIE
But it feels right, doesn’t it?
ZEBULON
It does.
CASPAR
Hang on.
ZEBULON
And Shel will certainly be safe with someone such as you around.
EFFIE
Oh I do not envy the creature that crosses you two.
THE EX
It’s true.
CASPAR
Shel, can you take the radio please?
SHEL
Sure.
CASPAR
Ex, come here.
THE EX
I’m sorry can I help you?
CASPAR
Yes, by coming here.
SHEL
Do you think Caspar’s mad that I’m taking his friend?
EFFIE
Caspar will be just fine, Shel.
ZEBULON
He gets attached, though he wouldn’t know it.
EFFIE
How are you feeling, Dear?
SHEL
I feel good, I think. I wasn’t a second ago but. I don’t know, I saw her throw that rock and I got really excited.
ZEBULON
She’ll be a very useful companion.
EFFIE
Certainly more useful than we have been.
SHEL
…Jeez, I have a whole planet.
ZEBULON
You do.
SHEL
What am I going to do with it all?
EFFIE
Whatever you like, I imagine.
SHEL
I guess I have to name it. Should I name it something from the Bible?
EFFIE
Well that’s a nice sentiment.
ZEBULON
But perhaps… no, Shel. You shouldn’t.
SHEL
No?
ZEBULON
You are forging your own path. Writing your own book, in a way. It should be something that comes from within you. Something that looks forward. It’s a beautiful gift you’ve been given. A fresh start. A chance to do things right without the impediments of evil.
EFFIE
And if evil ever comes calling, at least you now have a strange lady that can hurl large stones at them.
SHEL
Absolutely.
CASPAR
What are you doing?
THE EX
I told you.
CASPAR
What… this doesn’t feel a little random to you?
THE EX
No, it actually feels really perfect.
CASPAR
What happened to your quest for humanity?
THE EX
I’m done with it.
CASPAR
You’re just going to toss that aside and start a sentient nursery?
THE EX
No, I mean, I’m done. I figured it out.
CASPAR
You figured it out.
THE EX
Yeah.
CASPAR
Humanity?
THE EX
Nailed it.
CASPAR
Well you’re the first can you share the secret to humanity, please?
THE EX
The secret is this. What I’m doing with Shel.
CASPAR
What are you talking about?
THE EX
Look, don’t be mad, but I may have gone rooting around in your head one last time.
CASPAR
Goddamnit.
THE EX
Just one last time, for old times sake.
CASPAR
I’m assuming “boundaries” aren’t the secret.
THE EX
The Velveteen Rabbit. It was your favorite. Do you remember that one line? “Real isn’t how you are made. It’s a thing that happens to you.”
CASPAR
I remember the line.
THE EX
Being human is something that happens to you. And what happens to you… is each other. Ava was telling me about Effie and Zebulon, and how she thinks that when no one else is around, Effie and Zebulon don’t exist. A collapsing waveform, she calls it. The thing is, you’re all sort of like that. You come to exist in each other. You’re not in there Caspar.
GLORIA
(Calling from the diner.)
Okay, can everyone get their asses back here please? I’ve got a whole taco situation and it’s just sitting here.
THE EX
You’re in there. So get in there.
FORK HITTING A GLASS SEVERAL TIMES.
LEIF
Everyone, can I have your attention while we’re all enjoying these amazing tacos that Gloria has prepared?
BERTBERT
Yeah, Gloria, oh my God. I can never eat space Mexican food again, I’m ruined.
GLORIA
That’s what I like to hear.
THE EX
Should we try eating?
SHEL
Absolutely not, I’ve got my feet in a bucket of wine and that is all I need. I’ll be needing a recipe for wine before I go, by the way.
LEIF
I’ve got one for you… Everyone I just wanted to say a few things. I am Leif.
I was born in Northern California to a couple of hippies. I became an engineer. Did some really cool shit. Then, I left Earth and started roaming the galaxies. I bummed around for a while. Learned some things. Then I started doing some crimes here and there, mainly because I thought it was cool. Then wound up turning into way more serious of a criminal than I had meant to be. Then I left the life and became a cook. And then suddenly there was a diner… I’m sorry that I subjected you all to the very slow roll out of who I actually was. But, like Shel not telling us that they were poisonous-
SHEL
-sorry again!
LEIF
-I just wanted you all to like me. I promise that there are no more revelations about this guy right here.
BERTBERT
Except for you thinking that Star Wars is problematic.
CASPAR
Oh, come on.
LEIF
Listen-
BERTBERT
Or that your left thumb had to be regrown in a Truskan med bay.
GLORIA
What?
AVA
Simultaneously cool and gross.
LEIF
No MAJOR revelations. Okay?
GLORIA
Leif. We love you. Water under the bridge, okay?
LEIF
Okay. Shel, let me give you that recipe.
SHEL
Yesssssssssss.
ZEBULON
Well that was a wonderfully honest speech by Leif, wasn’t it, dear?
EFFIE
It was lovely. You know, Husband, it is almost as if it is a time for honesty. A time to bear one’s soul.
ZEBULON
To build bridges from one soul to another.
CASPAR
I’m literally sitting right in front of the radio. And you two are talking like I’m nowhere to be found.
ZEBULON
Oh he’s a sharp one, isn’t he?
EFFIE
How in the world were we found out?
CASPAR
Very funny.
EFFIE
Caspar, it is time. Step to.
CASPAR
I am eating my tacos right now. I’m enjoying my tacos. Please allow me this taco time.
ZEBULON
Caspar, I’m going to start playing yodeling.
CASPAR
Zebulon, god damn it, don’t you fucking dare-
YODELING MUSIC.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Fucking, shut it off. Shut it off! Shut it the fuck off!
YODELING STOPS.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
I fucking hate yodeling.
ZEBULON
I have an extensive collection of yodeling, Caspar.
CASPAR
Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fuck it.
CASPAR CROSSES THE ROOM.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Mind if I sit?
AVA
Okay.
CASPAR
… I uh, I got your notes from the Teds when Ex saved me. But they were on board the Nancy Sinatra.
AVA
Oh well…
CASPAR
… Hey the Teds said they couldn’t read them.
AVA
They’re written in gröte.
CASPAR
What is that?
AVA
It’s a dead form of shorthand.
CASPAR
Why were they written in that?
AVA
To keep people from stealing my shit. Looks like it worked…
CASPAR …
AVA
…I see you got back together with your Ex, congratulations.
CASPAR
Well, opposites attract. I breathe, she doesn’t.
AVA
I’m sure you’ll be very happy together.
CASPAR
No, haven’t you heard? The invincible android and the plant person are going to stay behind and raise kids together, so, take that, Focus on the Family.
AVA
…
CASPAR …
CASPAR (CONT’D)
I’m sorry… I was a terrible asshole to you and I’m very very sorry. I’d like to-
AVA
No.
CASPAR
… No?
AVA
No.
CASPAR
No… no, what?
AVA
You don’t get to stroll back in here with an apology pinned to your shirt like a kindergartner and just make everything okay.
CASPAR
Well what the fuck else am I supposed to do other than apologize-
AVA
I don’t know, that’s not my problem. I’m having a cigarette.
CASPAR
Ava, come on.
DOOR CHIME.
YODELING MUSIC PLAYS.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Fucking stop it! Okay. Okay fine.
DOOR CHIME.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Look if you want to fire up the way back machine and argue like I never left that’s fine.
AVA
I don’t need anything from you.
CASPAR
Well tough shit, here I am anyway.
AVA
That’s right, I forgot that everything needs to revolve around your emotional state.
CASPAR
That’s rich coming from someone who has no emotional states.
AVA
I’ve got all kinds of emotional states, this emotional state is called “I don’t give a shit about your emotional state”.
CASPAR
Oh right, I forgot, because everything is just fermions and bosons right? Nothing matters.
AVA
All kinds of things matter to me, you’re mad because YOURE thing doesn’t matter to me.
CASPAR
I’m just trying to apologize.
AVA
And I don’t care.
CASPAR
Oh fuck this.
DOOR CHIME.
YODELING MUSIC BEING PLAYED FROM INSIDE THE DINER.
DOOR CHIME.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Is this how you treated Gloria and Leif? I recall them being there too.
AVA
I’m sorry, are you referring to when you shoved me off the edge of the parking lot into deep space?
CASPAR
Yes, Ava, that’s what I’m referring to. Leif and Gloria agreed to the plan to give you the old heave ho, I don’t see them getting dragged out here.
AVA
You can go the fuck back inside any time. You can go back to Earth for all I care.
CASPAR
I’m not going back to Earth, they have the internet there! The rules are different for me?
AVA
So it took no convincing from you? You didn’t argue with them until they got so exhausted that they just gave up? What’s that like? Being surrounded by people you’ve exhausted into submission?
CASPAR
All I had to do was tell Leif he had to build something. Gloria agreed right on the spot. The rules for me are different?
AVA
Yes they are.
CASPAR
Could I get a list of all the rules that apply only to me please?
AVA
I’ll make you a list and shove it right up your ass-
CASPAR
You’re the one who stranded us in deep space in the first place, but I’m the bad guy, how are you any different?!
AVA
Because I kept us together! And you shoved me away! It’s different for you!
CASPAR
… And I’m trying to apologize-
AVA
Fuck your apology.
CASPAR …
AVA
…
AVA (CONT’D)
Gloria can cook. Leif can build things, Effie and Zebulon can do all sorts of shit and I’m a fucking genius. Then there’s you.
You do not for one second, give any thanks for being surrounded by the only people in the cosmos who can tolerate your bullshit. All of us, in one way or another, are grateful to be here. We think it’s amazing. Then there’s you. Why are you like this?… Y’know what? Never mind. I don’t care.
CASPAR …
AVA
…
CASPAR
Did anyone named David stop by?
AVA
What?
CASPAR
Did anyone named David stop by?
AVA
David? No, what… what are you talking about? Who’s David?
CASPAR
My son…
AVA
…
CASPAR
It was stupid, I should’ve told you…
AVA
What the fuck.
CASPAR
I’m going to go ahead and set aside the usual bullshit between us and I’m going to go ahead and say that you care about me… and even though you care about me, I’m also going to say that I bet you can imagine me as a pretty terrible father… because I was… I was just angry all the time. So was he. He was allowed to be though… I kept telling myself I was going to start tomorrow. I was going to be a good father tomorrow, I was going to start tomorrow. Today I’ll just be pissed off about everything, I’ll be a good father tomorrow. And then he was gone. Left a note for his mom. He couldn’t take it anymore.
I was furious… when you don’t hit your kid or set them on fire or whatever, its really easy to convince yourself that you’re a great parent. Turns out there’s a universe of ways that you can be bad at it. Really terrible at it… I picked up my keys and I walked out the door and I started looking for him… and I just never came back. Lost my job, lost my marriage… Signed divorce papers in a Super 8 motel in Nevada. And I just kept looking… because I was going to start tomorrow. My car broke down in a part of California that they don’t make postcards about… and there it was. I went in to use the phone. Once I wrapped my mind around what this place was I formed this plan. That if he needs help, eventually the diner would show up, and I’d be able to give him a cup of coffee and tell him I’m sorry…
AVA
Why didn’t you say anything?
CASPAR
Because it was a stupid plan. I convinced myself I needed to find him so I could make sure he was okay but that’s not true. I was trying to make it never have happened in the first place. Because I was going to start tomorrow. It’s easy to stick to a stupid plan when there’s no one else around. And there was no one else around for a very, very long time. Then Leif showed up. Then you, then Gloria showed up and knocked the radio over. It was getting harder and harder to stick to my plan. And my plan, as ridiculous as it was, was all I had. But then I pushed you off the edge of the parking lot and I realized that wasn’t true, that wasn’t all that I had… I didn’t mean to surround myself with people I care about. I meant to do the opposite. I meant to punish myself. But the cosmos, which seem to me to be nothing more than a giant engine of punishment, this one time said “No. This one, we give him friends.” And I think that’s probably fucked me up more than anything.
AVA
Caspar. He’s almost certainly never going to walk through the door.
CASPAR
I know. That’s what makes it so stupid. What’s more, even if he did show up, which timeline is he from? Is it the timeline where I did everything right? Is it the timeline where I never existed at all? He’s better off in both of those.
You know, none of us really want to admit it, but the only home that any of us have anymore is each other. Or the home we choose for ourselves. I’m choosing now... I thought I had killed you. When I found out I hadn’t, I crawled across three galaxies to get here... I already have one apology I’m never going to be able to make. I can’t let there be two. I’m so sorry.
DOOR CHIME.
GLORIA
Y’all. It’s about time for our passengers to get off… is it safe?
AVA
…We’re okay.
GLORIA
Okay. Come on out, everyone.
SHEL
I’m keeping the wine bucket.
BERTBERT
I’m taking extra tacos.
LEIF
You guys sure you have everything you need? I’ve got a laser saw.
THE EX
I am a laser saw.
GLORIA
Okay, you three get right past the pavement, there.
CASPAR
Give me just a minute, okay? I’ll be right back.
DOOR CHIME. CASPAR WALKS THROUGH THE DINER AND OPENS THE WALK-IN.
CASPAR (CONT’D) Ted!
TED
What the fuck am I doing here?
CASPAR
Well, Ted, it’s a funny story.
TED
I’m sure it’s not.
CASPAR
There was a bit of an explosion, there Ted. I’m sure you saw.
TED
It obliterated my ship.
CASPAR
And it looks like you wound up back in your old friend The Escape Pod.
TED
I did?
CASPAR
Perfectly bookending our time together.
TED
Then how did I end up here?
CASPAR
Well, your escape pod, in a stinging irony, landed in our parking lot.
TED
That’s impossible.
CASPAR
That’s what I said, Ted. That’s impossible. I mean, space, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, is huge. And out of all that nothing out there, your escape pod chose the one place where there was something. Dizzying odds.
TED
Any chance of you just putting me back in the escape pod and letting me go?
CASPAR
No, we can’t do that, Leif has already scrapped it for parts, he’s very excited.
TED
Great.
CASPAR
We’re looking less and less like a diner every day. Scrap yard by the dumpster, workshop on the roof, Gloria’s making Mexican food, next thing you know, Ava’s going to have a chalkboard.
TED
Nothing for you?
CASPAR
I’m hoping for a pinball machine. Fingers crossed.
TED
What’s going to happen to me then?
CASPAR
Well, for a while the debate was raging. There are some people out there that, wow, really hate you, Ted. There’s a woman out there named BertBert, basically wants to turn you into a loose meat sandwich.
TED
Oh, fuck.
CASPAR
Lot of animosity coming from a four foot plant that’s probably never hated anything in their life, Ted.
TED
Well can we just get it over with, please?
CASPAR
I talked them all down. No public executions.
TED
Why?
CASPAR
I think you’re a piece of shit, Ted, and you come from a garbage empire, BUT...You interrogated me for hours. Threatened me, tried to reason with me... And in all that time, you never used my son against me. Didn’t offer to find him, didn’t threaten him. Why is that, Ted?
TED
...I deleted it from your record.
CASPAR
Why?
TED
...Reproductive permits are only given to a few people on my planet... I always thought I would’ve made a good father. I just... I couldn’t do it.
CASPAR
...Damn, and that just drives me crazy, Ted. I just want you to twirl your mustache and be evil and then lose. But you did this one thing. So now...
now I have to turn your punishment over to a higher power. Hang on... Effie, Zebulon, meet Ted.
ZEBULON
Theodore.
EFFIE
Would that I had an automaton to inhabit.
CASPAR
We felt that Effie and Zebulon would be the most impartial judges for your sentencing.
ZEBULON
A wise choice, Caspar.
EFFIE
I don’t know about that.
ZEBULON
Theodore, we have spoken at length regarding your punishment.
EFFIE
I had all sorts of wonderful ideas.
ZEBULON
The Bible has within it all sorts of punishments.
EFFIE
And some of them are real mean and I got real excited.
ZEBULON
But in the end, God is the final judge of us all.
EFFIE
Even thought he is more than welcome to delegate to his most devoted, should he see fit.
ZEBULON
You have served cravenly, Theodore, you have severed an empire of evil and avarice. And we feel that your punishment should be to wander.
TED
Wander?
CASPAR
At our next stop, you get off. I don’t know where it’s going to be, I don’t know when it’s going to be, but you’re getting off. There’s not going to be any Ted Empire, there’s not going to be any Tednoughts or chemical ice.
It’s just going to be you and the cosmos. It’s going to be rough. Like it is for all of us. Good luck, Ted.
TED
You know, my name’s not Ted.
EFFIE
Your name can now be whatever you want it to be. Choose wisely.
WALK IN DOOR CLOSES.
CASPAR
That was fun.
EFFIE
Not nearly as fun as I wanted it to be.
CASPAR
Effie, you have a mean streak in you that has not faded for 173 years, and I admire that.
EFFIE
Thank you, Caspar.
DOOR CHIME.
CASPAR
Okay, let’s launch this firecracker.
LEIF
Guess I’ve come a long way since that kid you met on Sirius A, huh?
BERTBERT
No, actually, I finally feel like I’m looking at him again. Don’t fuck it up, Leif.
LEIF
I’ll try.
THE EX
Caspar, I know the separation anxiety is going to be tough for you, but try not to miss me too much.
CASPAR
I think I’ll be okay.
THE EX
And just remember, no matter where you go in time and space, I can always find you.
CASPAR
So disturbing.
SHEL
Everyone, before we go, I just want to leave you with a thought. Thousands of your years from now a race of creatures that look like trees will tell the story of their founder. Their name was Shel, and they escaped certain doom on their planet by hitching a ride on a strange comet called Midnight Burger. There they met Gloria The Empire Slayer, Leif the Builder, Ava who communed with mysterious beings, a Wooden Box that spoke of an old God, and some guy named Caspar. They carried them across the stars to a place they now call home. And they will be remembered forever. Goodbye everyone.
GLORIA
Goodbye, Shel. We’ll remember you forever too.
IN AN INSTANT, THEY ARE GONE. SPACE AND TIME RUSHES PAST THE DINER.
LEIF
And we’re off.
GLORIA
Damn.
AVA
No offense, Leif, but The Triad sucks.
LEIF
Where do you think we’re headed now?
CASPAR
Well, as long as it’s not Newark airport during a holiday, I think I’ll be fine... Why is everybody looking at me?
GLORIA
Ava?
AVA
Hang on...
CASPAR
Okay, huge fans of Newark Airport, didn’t realize. No offense guys but it’s basically like a bus station except the busses are flying... What is the problem?
EFFIE
I’m unsure, Caspar, but perhaps the remedy is not you talking.
CASPAR
Okay, fine.
AVA
Everybody inside.
CASPAR
I feel like the party vibe is gone, where’s the party vibe?
DOOR CHIME.
AVA
Sit here.
CASPAR
Okay. What’s going on? Is that Vladimir’s tape recorder?
AVA
Stop talking... When you shoved me into deep space I made contact with an entity. It’s a friend, I think. Then, later on, right before we got sent into the battle with the Teds it tried to make contact again. I need you to say exactly what you just said outside.
CASPAR
Why?
AVA
Just do it.
CASPAR
Fine... as long as it’s not Newark airport during a holiday, I think I’ll be fine.
AVA PRESSES PLAY ON THE TAPE RECORDER.
THE VOICE
It may be Newark Airport.
CASPAR
Why did the tape recorder just respond to me?
AVA
It’s a 4th dimensional being. It doesn’t move through time like we do so it’s hard to communicate, it doesn’t understand time.
It reached out to us but I didn’t understand what it was saying. I think that’s because it wasn’t talking to me THEN, it was actually talking to you right now. Luckily we recorded it.
CASPAR
Okay... I have several questions but it feels like I should just jump into this conversation with the tape recorder.
AVA
Good boy.
CASPAR
Who are you?
THE VOICE
A friend. Like you I found this place.
CASPAR
What’s your name?
THE VOICE
I don’t have identity like you do. Call me what you like.
CASPAR
Okay, do we want to crowdsource the name of the transdimensional being right now?
LEIF
Chuck.
CASPAR
What?
LEIF
Does it matter? Chuck.
GLORIA
Just go with Chuck!
CASPAR
Fine! I guess we’ll go with Chuck.
CHUCK
Names are strange. They don’t mean anything.
CASPAR
Chuck, what are we doing here? Why are you contacting us?
CHUCK
I see myself finding this place. Like all of you, through chance and circumstance. I see you. Alone. The tables covered in dust. I see myself not wanting you to be alone. Somewhere else I see a man and a woman. She talks of her grandmother and grandfather. I make them for you. Put their voices in a wooden box. I thought you shouldn’t be alone.
CASPAR
Yeah. You’re right. So you can just make people?
CHUCK
You too can make people.
CASPAR
I guess that’s technically true. Why are you contacting us, Chuck?
CHUCK
I see Ava in a field. She tells a story of dogs and humans. She is right. We need each other.
CASPAR
Why do we need each other?
CHUCK
Things need each other. You can see it in the stars. Gravity is not a mindless force, it is an intention. A prayer. Things drawn together.
CASPAR
That’s beautiful, Chuck, but I get the sense that something else is going on.
CHUCK
Something is wrong.
AVA
That’s where it ended for us.
CASPAR
Okay, well that wasn’t much, was it.
AVA
But that’s not where it ended for you. Ask another question.
CASPAR
What’s wrong, Chuck?
CHUCK
I don’t know. Existence. You say “cosmos”. It is fragile. Irresistible and fragile. I see Ava.
She is in a place called Bruges. Violent waves across spacetime. I see a friend of Ava’s. She speaks of a universe where a curtain rises and falls. I see you. A place of null entropy. It is all connected.
CASPAR
Chuck is so high right now you guys.
AVA
It’s talking about a speech I made in Bruges. About gravity waves.
CASPAR
What’s a gravity wave?
AVA
If something big happens in the universe it sends out a wave of gravity. I proved that a gravity wave, if it’s big enough can permanently damage the fabric of spacetime. Maybe that’s what it’s talking about. Ask it what we do next.
CASPAR
What are we supposed to do with all that information, Chuck?
CHUCK
I propose an experiment.
CASPAR
Oh boy. Y’all how do we feel about a transdimensional being conducting an experiment on us?
GLORIA
Put me in the “No” column.
LEIF
Ambiguous at best.
AVA
It’s not an experiment ON us it’s an experiment WITH us.
CASPAR
I think I’d like some clarification on that from the tape recorder person.
AVA
Go ahead.
CASPAR
What kind of experiment?
CHUCK
You are chasing something.
CASPAR
Chasing something, what are we chasing?
CHUCK
Unknown. A strange attractor. You are always one step behind.
CASPAR
Help me out here.
LEIF
It’s chaos theory.
AVA
Right, a strange attractor is a point in a chaotic system that everything seems to magically coalesce around.
CASPAR
It’s saying the diner is magically coalescing around something?
GLORIA
Why can’t it be buried treasure? Can it just be we have a treasure map and we’re looking for buried treasure?
ZEBULON
Agreed, Gloria.
LEIF
It kind of is. I think what it’s saying is that the diner is searching for something. It’s kind of on a treasure hunt. If the treasure was a mysterious and unknowable cosmic anomaly.
EFFIE
Leif, We don’t know that it’s any of those things.
LEIF
Well it’s not looking for it’s car keys.
CASPAR
I’m going back to Chuck. Chuck, what kind of experiment?
CHUCK
You must be the Strange Attractor. You must be the center of chaos so that it becomes drawn to you.
CASPAR
Translation, please?
LEIF
There’s something really big out there and we need to get it’s attention.
GLORIA
I don’t want to get the attention of a big thing.
CASPAR
I don’t want to get the attention of a small thing.
GLORIA
Zero things would be my choice.
CASPAR
Zero things sounds ideal. Chuck why do we need to find this thing?
CHUCK
It should not exist. There are cracks in the cosmos, Caspar. Things I cannot explain. And you have been traveling to the broken places. We can only find out together.
GLORIA
I want to talk to it.
CASPAR
Go for it.
GLORIA
“Cracks.” Things you can’t explain. Is there something... something broken?
CHUCK
Do you not feel that way, Gloria? Walking through a world of shattered glass? Of disconnected roads? Gaps too far to jump? Lives wasted? I see a woman. She stands in your diner. “Look around you. Do you see a thing done right or a thing done wrong?” Are you not, every day, living a tragedy?
CASPAR
Boy, Chuck is terrible at parties.
GLORIA
I did feel that way once. It’s different now.
CHUCK
Precisely. A field was applied. The unchangeable changed. There is a trail of these moments behind you. Now you chase another.
GLORIA
Something that needs to be changed.
CHUCK
Perhaps. But it is... formidable. Powerful. I do not know what will happen. I cannot find the outcome.
ZEBULON
My friends, I spoke before of how I feel we had been drawn together for a purpose.
EFFIE
I believe we’ve all felt the wind blowing us in this direction for some time.
LEIF
What direction is that, exactly? What exactly are we talking about here?
GLORIA
We’re talking about Chuck’s plan.
LEIF
Chuck doesn’t have a plan.
AVA
You said it yourself. There’s something big out there, we need to find it.
LEIF
How?
AVA
Let’s ask Chuck.
CASPAR
Chuck, what’s the plan?
CASPAR (CONT’D)
...
CASPAR (CONT’D) Chuck?
CASPAR (CONT’D)
...
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Chuck? Of course.
GLORIA
That’s it?
LEIF
What are supposed to do?
AVA
That’s hilarious.
AVA STARTS WRITING NOTES.
LEIF
Chuck takes us all this way and then vaporizes?
CASPAR
Now that he’s gone, are we sure about the name Chuck?
LEIF
I feel like we just slipped on an unknowable banana peel into a ball pit of ambiguities.
CASPAR
You’re forgetting how fun ball pits are.
EFFIE
What is a ball pit exactly?
CASPAR
It’s like it sounds, its a pit full of fun multicolored balls.
EFFIE
Oh, that does sound fun.
GLORIA
Ava, what are you writing?
AVA
(As she writes.)
After a while — not long — you will no longer exist... and the woods and rocks and sky will continue, unchanged, for thousands of years after you... What is it that has called you so suddenly out of nothingness to enjoy for a brief while... a spectacle which remains quite indifferent to you?
GLORIA
What is that?
AVA
Something I say to myself before I start a new project. Listen... we’re doing Chuck’s plan. I don’t know what it is but that just means that the first step of the plan is to figure out the plan.
I just learned more in the past few minutes than I have in my entire life. I’m not stopping here. We’re doing Chuck’s plan.
ZEBULON
We are being called toward the mysteries. I believe we are on a path in a way we never have been before. We have been disparate. Desperate. Had our vision clouded by many distractions. But I feel our purpose sharpened now. I feel we are on our way.
EFFIE
As do I. And for our thoughts to be well inline with Ava’s is either a sign of the end times, or proof of God’s calling.
GLORIA
Okay. Okay I’m in.
LEIF
I’m sorry, I guess it’s the engineer in me but I need something more than “3,2,1, TEAM!”
AVA
Leif, the gravity wave detector I asked you to build, is it done?
LEIF
Yeah.
AVA
Okay. I want to be able to do a sky scan, the way the Planck does?
LEIF
Okay... Okay I’m going to need a few more parts but I can make that happen.
AVA
Okay. So you’re in.
LEIF
Yeah, yeah I guess I am. You know what? Let me go look at the scrap. I need to do some inventory.
AVA
Good.
GLORIA
What else do you need, Ava?
AVA
I have a glass of wine, a pencil and a notebook. That’s all I need right now.
GLORIA
It starts like that?
AVA
It’s how everything starts.
GLORIA
Okay. I’m going to go clean up the kitchen. Let me know when the mysteries of the universe have been unraveled.
AVA
I will.
GLORIA
How about some music, Zeb?
ZEBULON
Wonderful idea.
CASPAR
...What are you doing?
AVA
Making notes.
CASPAR
...Are You writing in Grote?
AVA
No, I’m writing in math.
CASPAR
...What was that thing you were saying?
AVA
It’s Schrodinger.
CASPAR
Is that the cat guy?
AVA
Yes, Caspar. He’s one of the most brilliant physicists in history but let’s call him “the cat guy”.
CASPAR
I’m just saying, if you want to be known for your physics, don’t put a cat in one of your things, cause then you’ll just be the cat guy.
AVA
...You are the only one who has not agreed to the plan.
CASPAR
Did I not?
AVA
No.
CASPAR
...We can do whatever you want.
AVA
...I may not like this new agreeable version of you.
CASPAR
It’ll fade.
AVA
Good.
THE SOUND OF THE RUSHING OF SPACE TIME SWELLS.
BERTBERT
(Being recorded.)
I’m trying to wrap my head around this. You climb aboard this diner, you see these amazing things, go to amazing places but, in doing so you have to leave your entire life behind, perhaps never to see it again. A lot of people wouldn’t do that, it would be too much to bear. Why do you?
AVA
(Being recorded.)
Because I was born in St. Louis.
BERTBERT
I don’t understand.
AVA
Against my will, I was born in St. Louis. Against my will, I was born to my mother. I did not choose the atoms of my body, I did not choose the neurons in my brain, I did not choose the year I was born, I did not choose the world I was born into. In this life there is such a narrow valley of things that are my own choosing, and it makes me furious. It means the things I can choose are the most important things. So I choose this. In an act of rebellion against an existence that chooses so much for me against my will, I choose to pull up the skirt of the cosmos and give everybody a free show. We will know the secrets of existence. We will know the code of the cosmos. People will look up into the stars and will feel wonder without fear.
We will know the nature of all things, and we will be at peace. And on that day, and that day alone... I will finally have had my revenge...
MIDNIGHT BURGER SHOOTS OFF INTO THE COSMOS AND THE MUSIC SWELLS.
END OF SEASON 2.