Chapter 19: Battle Without Honor or Humanity
SOUND OF A MASSIVE BATTLE IN DEEP SPACE. YES, I KNOW THERE’S NO SOUND IN SPACE. SHUT UP.
CASPAR
… And that’s how we wound up here.
GLORIA
Robot cowboys?
ZEBULON
Bethany Elliot?
SHEL
So who are these guys?
EVERYONE ELSE
Aaah!
CASPAR
Who’s the ficus?
GLORIA
What, we’re not allowed to make friends?
LEIF
Wait, who were you breaking out of the Ted Homeworld?
CASPAR
Where is-
BERTBERT
(Inside the ship.)
I can recall several arguments about adding seat belts… oh. Hello everyone.
LEIF
Berts?
BERTBERT
Hey Leif. Still a fucking asshole?
AVA
Can confirm.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Listen up, folks. The gang’s all here. We can get caught up later.
SHEL
Leif, is that your dad?
BERTBERT No.
CASPAR
Why the hell did the diner drop you in the middle of a fire fight?
GLORIA
We don’t know. Another long story.
THE EX
We’re in between two ships trying to destroy each other, should we be doing this in the parking lot?
GLORIA
You are NOT coming inside.
THE EX
Gloria, come on, I’m nice now.
EFFIE
That’s what Satan would say.
TED
(In the radio.)
Welcome to the party Nancy Sinatra. All the fish are just jumping into my boat now, aren’t they?
CASPAR
How is he talking through the radio?
EFFIE
We don’t know but we know it ain’t right.
CASPAR
Ted, is that you?
TED
Jesus Christ.
CASPAR
Ted! You’re okay!
TED
I cannot fucking believe this.
CASPAR
I know! What a world! How was the escape pod?
TED
Oh, super comfortable, thanks. You know what else will be super comfortable? The block of chemical ice I’m going to freeze you in!
CASPAR
Ted, I feel like you haven’t mellowed, I feel like you’ve learned nothing since we last spoke, where’s the growth, Ted?
TED
Let’s have a nice, long conversation about it while I target your parking lot with a Void Torpedo!
EFFIE
Sir, you are not welcome in this radio!
TED
I’ll decide-
STATIC CRACKLES
EFFIE
Well I’ll be, I think that did it.
CASPAR
Okay, everyone inside, here we go.
DOOR CHIME.
SHEL
Are we going to be any safer inside?
CASPAR
That thing’s going to freak me out the whole time, isn’t it?
GLORIA
They’re name is Shel.
ZEBULON
They are a tree.
CASPAR
Okay, whatever. I know that’s a Ted ship, what is it fighting with?
LEIF
Låfftrax.
CASPAR
The space pirate? Seriously?
THE EX
Looks like the pirates are saving our asses at the moment, I wouldn’t complain too much.
GLORIA
Can she not talk? It’s freaking me out.
THE EX
Hey.
CASPAR
What does the friggin Space Pirate want with us?
GLORIA
They want our doomsday device.
BERTBERT
Doomsday device?
CASPAR
There’s a doomsday device now?
GLORIA
We may have picked up a doomsday device along the way.
CASPAR
Where in the- oh wait, don’t tell me, from the secret hardened criminal.
LEIF
Listen-
CASPAR
Is this the purple thing?
GLORIA
That’s the Purple Nullifier. There’s also a doomsday device.
LEIF
How’d you know about the Purple Nullifier?
CASPAR
There’s two doomsday devices?
LEIF
The Purple Nullifier isn’t a doomsday device it’s just a bomb.
CASPAR
Leif, I swear to God the words “Just a bomb” came out of your mouth. How does that feel?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Is this the Ted Slayer?
LEIF
Yeah.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Nice, you actually built it, huh?
CASPAR
No shop talk. What is the Ted Slayer?
GLORIA
Seriously, you called it the Ted Slayer?
LEIF
Well that’s what it does.
CASPAR
What are you talking about?
LEIF
It’s a computer virus, it unravels the Ted Empire from the inside out.
GLORIA
But we talked about it a lot and we decided that we shouldn’t use it.
CASPAR
You shouldn’t use it?
GLORIA
No.
CASPAR
Okay, I need you to focus on this next question very carefully: What?
ZEBULON
It’s awful nice to have everyone back together again, isn’t it dear?
EFFIE
Its real nice, Husband.
GLORIA
The negatives outweigh the positives.
CASPAR
How heavy are these negatives exactly?
GLORIA
Mass starvation. Plague.
CASPAR
Okay, that sounds bad, but there’s a very big ship floating outside, Gloria.
GLORIA
I can see the ship.
CASPAR
It’s the size of Sri Lanka, Gloria.
GLORIA
Caspar-
CASPAR
And let me tell you about this thing, you may have heard of it, it’s called chemical ice.
GLORIA
I’ve heard of it.
CASPAR
Leif, you’re a criminal, have you ever been frozen in Chemical Ice?
LEIF
Twice.
CASPAR
Twice!
EVEN OLDER LEIF Six times.
CASPAR
Six times over there. Would we recommend being frozen in chemical ice?
LEIF
No.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
It’s not great.
CASPAR
So we’re all on the brink of being frozen in chemical ice and we have the thing that can stop that but we’re not using it?
GLORIA
Yes.
CASPAR
I would like to fill out a comment card, please.
GLORIA
It wouldn’t just fuck the Teds, Caspar it would fuck everybody. If the warp gates shut down, everybody suffers. We talked about it, we argued about it, this is what we decided.
CASPAR
… Okay.
GLORIA
Okay?
CASPAR
Okay. Okay, if that’s the way it is, then okay. We’ll figure something else out.
GLORIA
Seriously?
CASPAR
Yeah.
LÅFFTRAX
(In the radio.)
Hey Leif. Look at all the cannons I’m firing right now. I think it’s all-… is it all the cannons?… Yeah, it’s all of them, isn’t it crazy?… Leif? Leif are you there? C’mon don’t be like that, it’s your old pal Låfftrax.
EFFIE
We have invited exactly zero people into this radio with us.
ZEBULON
All of a sudden it’s like the town hall.
GLORIA
Leif, please talk to the Space Pirate.
LEIF
Låfftrax, I’m not giving you the Ted Slayer.
LÅFFTRAX
Are you sure? It kinda feels like you’re gonna give it to me.
LEIF
I’m not.
LÅFFTRAX
But you are though.
LEIF
Nobody is getting it, Låfftrax.
LÅFFTRAX
Let me do some math. I want the boom boom device. I’m the only thing standing between you and the Teds turning you into a popsicle. Sounds like I get whatever I want right now.
LEIF
I’m not going to watch you plunge three galaxies into chaos, Låfftrax.
LÅFFTRAX
Okay but counterpoint: I’m going to kill all your friends.
LEIF
Minsky already tried that, it didn’t work.
LÅFFTRAX
Right. Let’s get him in here, guys where’s Minsky?… Oh, I killed him? Apparently I killed him. How did I kill him?… Meat grinder? Wow. I guess I threw him in the meat grinder… Did I kill him first and throw him in there? No? Just shoved him in there alive, huh? Damn. Dark, guys. Dark. Okay, never mind on that.
LEIF
Låfftrax, listen. I’m not giving you the Ted Slayer, but if you can get us out of this jam I will come back and work for you.
LÅFFTRAX
Oh yeah?
CASPAR
Whoa.
EFFIE
You most certainly will not.
GLORIA
Leif, what the fuck?
LEIF
We need some way out of this.
SHEL
Leif, I don’t know what a pirate is but I’m pretty sure I don’t want you to be one.
ZEBULON
I do not approve this plan.
CASPAR
Zebulon does not approve this plan, Leif.
BERTBERT
Leif, absolutely not.
LEIF
Am I the only one who knows how fucked we are right now? Two ships out there. Both of them filled with the worst of The Triad. One ship wants to kill us, the other one will if we don’t meet it’s demands. This is the most fucked we’ve ever been.
ZEBULON
Leif, I’ve read many a pirate story in my youth and I feel as though these pirates are not the sort to go adventuring for buried treasure.
EFFIE
All while adorned with a colorful bird of some kind.
ZEBULON
They appear to have eliminated those delightful aspects.
EFFIE
But kept all of the killin’.
GLORIA
Even Older Leif can you talk some sense into him please?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
I’d give it a shot, Gloria, but I’m not getting through to him. See, the young man has himself a little theory, don’t you, Buster?
CASPAR
What is he talking about?
LEIF
… I think I’m the reason that The Teds know about the diner.
GLORIA
What do you mean?
LEIF
Way back when, right before I came here. I had just quit working for Låfftrax.
I think The Teds were following me, hoping that I would lead them back to Låfftrax. All the pirates in the system were looking for me. I was on the run.
AVA
And then suddenly there was a diner.
LEIF
Yes… I think the Teds were watching me the first time I ever walked in here. Which means they saw the diner disappear and I’m sure it all started from there. Guys all of this could be my fault. All of it. It makes me sick to think I’ve gotten you all into this mess… I wanted to be someone else, so when I got here I just started acting like the guy that I wanted to be. But I guess that’s just not how things work.
TED
(In the radio.)
And I’m back. Hey, just caught the tail end of that. Wanted to jump in here real quick guys. Leif is totally right. We know about the diner because of him. He’s the only reason it’s even a thing for us. That’s a pretty big ouch, Leif. Does it burn?
GLORIA
Leif-
LEIF
Look, it’s fine. I’ve worked for Låfftrax before, I can do it again. At least with the pirates I won’t have to act like someone I’m not. I guess that’s all I was doing around here anyway.
EFFIE
Leif, we are not letting you go.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Doesn’t matter, Effie. Låfftrax isn’t going to go for it anyway.
LÅFFTRAX
Yeah, Leif, I’ve decided, no.
LEIF
Fuck.
LÅFFTRAX
Look, Honeybear, I miss the crap out of you. We had a lot of fun. Remember that time you flooded an entire city?
AVA
Jesus, Leif.
LEIF
Goddamn it.
TED
I remember that. Wiped out several neighborhoods just to rob a bank. What a guy!
LÅFFTRAX
Good times all around. But the thing is, I’m really excited about all this chaos I’m going to create when you give me the boom boom box, it’s really going to elevate my piracy game.
TED
What is this box again?
LÅFFTRAX
Hey! I’m talking here! Y’know what? Y’know what I’m going to do? Remember that beamy-downy thing you told me not to buy because it was too dangerous? Well… oops, I bought it! I’m going to beam down there.
LEIF
No, don’t do that.
LÅFFTRAX
Really excited to meet your new friends.
LEIF
Låfftrax!
TED
Oh, man. This is perfect. Literally every criminal I want to capture is about to be in the same place. Did I win a sweepstakes? Do you guys have a comically large check for me?
GLORIA
Alright, everybody over to Ava’s booth, I’m sick of shithead listening to us.
EFFIE
Sir. I do not appreciate you speaking out of our radio, We consider it a violation.
TED
Oh no. A violation? How many demerits?
ZEBULON
Those who impede a holy path never fair well, Theodore.
TED
Oh yeah? What have you got for me? Locusts? Frogs? None of those work in space, you hayseeds.
EFFIE
Oh we’re going to come up with something, just you wait.
TED
Yeah, sorry, you’re not going to be able to loaves and fishes your way out of this problem.
BEEPING
BERTBERT
This is BertBert broadcasting on The Undersignal. I am currently onboard Midnight Burger on the outer rim of Triangulum. We appear to be caught in a naval battle between a Ted Battle cruiser and the dreaded Alex P Keaton, the flagship of the pirate Låfftrax. Despite our precarious situation, the true danger lies beyond us. For as long this reporter can remember The Ted Empire has denied conducting experiments with time crystals, the same objects responsible for the implosion and destruction of Vapus 10 in Andromeda. Vapian refugees still to this day recall with horror the destruction of their planet from the volatile time crystals and science councils across The Triad have banned their use. Despite all that, here I stand looking upon a gargantuan construction that is allegedly fueled by these dangerous objects.
CASPAR
… So, what do pirates like to eat?
THE EX
Wait, this is good, actually. When the space pirate gets here I can threaten them, y’know, physically.
GLORIA
You can?
CASPAR
Yeah, quick update, guys, Ex is actually incredibly powerful to the point that it’s fucking terrifying but none of that matters.
THE EX
It doesn’t?
CASPAR
No. What are you going to do? Kill Låfftrax?
THE EX
No, but they don’t know that.
CASPAR
They’re just going to call your bluff. If you killed Låfftrax then the pirate ship and the Ted ship would want to kill us.
THE EX
Being powerful should be more fun.
AVA
I think we need to start getting in a headspace where can give the doomsday device to the Space Pirate, guys.
THE EX
I think you’re right, Ava.
AVA
Don’t talk to me, Uncanny Valley.
THE EX
Jeez!
GLORIA
Okay look, regardless of what’s going on outside, we’re about to have a customer. Can someone please tell me anything about Låfftrax?
BERTBERT
They’re a mass murderer.
GLORIA
Great.
BERTBERT
The best Earth equivalent would be a cross between Tony Montana, Mama Rose, and Genghis Khan.
GLORIA
Even better.
BERTBERT
Every ounce of crime in the Triad goes through Låfftrax, they’re the only thing more terrifying than The Teds.
LEIF
And don’t be distracted by the laughter.
CASPAR
The laughter?
LEIF
They’re obsessed with American sitcoms. They had me make them a device that plays automatic audience reactions.
DOOR CHIME.
LÅFFTRAX
What’s up everybody?
THE CROWD GOES WILD.
LÅFFTRAX (CONT’D)
This looks like a fun group. What are you guys talking about? Is it me? I bet it’s me. Is it me?
LAUGHTER.
LEIF
Låfftrax, listen-
LÅFFTRAX
There he is! Leif you big asshole! Come over here I’m gonna smack you on your Fanny!
LAUGHTER.
LEIF
Låfftrax we’ve gotta talk about this.
LÅFFTRAX
Well hang on there, schnuckums. Aren’t you going to introduce me to you friends? Let’s go around the room here. Who’s the Begonia?
SHEL
Hi.
LÅFFTRAX
Oh, shit, it talks.
LAUGHTER.
LÅFFTRAX (CONT’D)
Boy, plants really do liven up the place don’t they?
MORE LAUGHTER.
LÅFFTRAX (CONT’D)
Who’s next?
GLORIA
Can we skip to the part where you threaten us please?
LÅFFTRAX
Oh hey. I know you, you’re the one whose been turning the system into a spicy fiesta.
LAUGHTER.
GLORIA
Jesus christ.
LÅFFTRAX
Hey since you’re in charge around here how about you make Leif give me my boom boom box back.
TED
Is it a jewelry box? What’s in the box?
LÅFFTRAX
Hey. Shut up you. Go win a battle.
LAUGHTER.
CASPAR
He can’t give it to you.
LÅFFTRAX
Who are you?
CASPAR
Caspar.
LÅFFTRAX
What do you do around here?
CASPAR
Never been sure exactly.
LÅFFTRAX
Seems to me it’s pretty clear, Jasper. Låfftrax wants box. Leif gives Låfftrax box.
CASPAR
I understand that but unfortunately you’ve created a situation where it’s in our best interests to not give you the box.
LÅFFTRAX
I’ve what now?
CASPAR
If we give you the box then you leave, right?
LÅFFTRAX
True.
CASPAR
And if you leave then there’s no one to stop the Teds from coming to get us.
LÅFFTRAX
I’m listening.
CASPAR
So then we can’t give you the box because you’re the only person keeping us alive. And you can’t threaten it out of us because you tried that already? Is that correct?
LEIF
Yes.
CASPAR
You tried that already.
LÅFFTRAX
Huh. Are you SURE I can’t threaten it out of you?
LEIF
No.
LÅFFTRAX
What if my threats are really REALLY terrifying?
LAUGHTER.
ZEBULON
Captain Låfftrax, we have already weathered the storm of threats upon our lives over this box you speak of. We may not be much to speak of but our position is unwavering.
TED
The suspense is killing me, guys. What’s in the box, is it beanie babies?
EFFIE
WILL. YOU. GET. GONE.
STATIC BUZZ.
EFFIE (CONT’D)
I believe I’ve banished him again.
GLORIA
Låfftrax, you can threaten us all you want. We’re not going to let other people suffer just to save our asses.
LÅFFTRAX
Huh. Well now I’m bored. Kind of regretting killing my lawyer right now.
GLORIA
No, that was the right call.
LÅFFTRAX
Alright, Låfftrax needs to have a think. Who’s the old guy.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
It’s me, Låfftrax.
LÅFFTRAX
Me who? Wait… no.
EVEN OLDER LEIF Yep.
LÅFFTRAX
Leif?
EVEN OLDER LEIF Yep.
LÅFFTRAX
But you’re over there too.
EVEN OLDER LEIF I am.
LÅFFTRAX
Did you go back in time?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
I’m afraid I did.
LÅFFTRAX
Leif, you adorable little dumbass!
EVEN OLDER LEIF
You always told me.
LÅFFTRAX
I did. I always did. What did I always say about time travel?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
“What’s wrong with right now?”
LÅFFTRAX
What’s wrong with right now. Exactly. Right now is great! I mean, not for any of you, you’re probably all screwed but for me it’s great! What’s the point of going back in time to try and patch things up with your girlfriend?
LEIF
That’s not… she wasn’t my girlfriend.
BERTBERT
Wait, what?
LÅFFTRAX
Uh oh. Awkward.
BERTBERT
What are they talking about?
LÅFFTRAX
You know how when people get drunk there’s that one thing they can’t shut up about?
LEIF
Please stop.
LÅFFTRAX
For Leif it was his master plan to build a time machine so he could go back and patch things up with a certain someone.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH.
BERTBERT
You’re kidding me.
LÅFFTRAX
Låfftrax is, famously, historically, not a gossip but I can tell you that her name started with a “Bert” and ended with a “Bert”.
LAUGHTER.
BERTBERT
Amazing.
LEIF
I was drunk.
EFFIE
That actually sounds a little sweet, doesn’t it dear?
ZEBULON
Could he not have patched things up in the present?
BERTBERT
No, he couldn’t have because that would mean taking responsibility for his actions, and I think we all know how he is with that, don’t we?
LEIF
Berts come on.
BERTBERT
I’m not talking to you I’m talking to the radio people!
ZEBULON
I appear to have stepped in an anthill on this one.
EFFIE
Multiple stings upon your toes.
LÅFFTRAX
Wow, look at this old bastard. Leif, you do not age well.
LEIF
Thanks.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
There may be some chips on the paint, but the engine’s running just fine.
LÅFFTRAX
Yeah, you keep telling yourself that. Mind if I sit?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Please.
LÅFFTRAX
So, you came back in time and just decided to stay huh? Relive your glory days?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Yeah, I thought I’d check in, see how things were going in this timeline. You know, I finally went to Menlor.
LÅFFTRAX
You did?
EVEN OLDER LEIF Yep.
LÅFFTRAX
The robot cowboys?
EVEN OLDER LEIF Yep.
LÅFFTRAX
How did it go?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Not the way you’d expect.
LÅFFTRAX
Damn. That would’ve been a thing. Space Pirate Cowboys. You know I love a good cultural mashup.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
I know that you do.
LÅFFTRAX
Well, Antique Leif. Låfftrax is in a bit of a pickle.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Seems that way.
LÅFFTRAX
He’s not going to give me the box is he?
EVEN OLDER LEIF Nope.
LÅFFTRAX
And he’s got to say the magic words to make the box open, right?
EVEN OLDER LEIF It’s true.
LÅFFTRAX
What kind of a world are we living in where threats of violence don’t do the trick any more?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
It’s a tragedy.
CASPAR
(Under his breath.)
While Låfftrax is distracted we need a plan B.
GLORIA
There was no plan A.
LEIF
Theres two battleships fighting outside our doors, something’s going to give any second now.
CASPAR
BertBert is there anyone in the area you can contact? Anyone who can help us out?
BERTBERT
We’re on the outer rim of Triangulum there’s nothing out here.
SHEL
Gloria?
THE EX
Are we making secret plans?
GLORIA
Still too soon with you okay?
THE EX
I was an android obeying my programming.
GLORIA
Stand over there.
SHEL
Gloria?
GLORIA
What is it, Shel?
SHEL
If the pirate wants something that we don’t want to give them, is there maybe something else it wants?
LEIF
I tried offering myself.
BERTBERT
Not an even trade.
LEIF
Oh, come on.
CASPAR
Can we resolve personal beefs after we escape the evil empire, please? Fern here has a point.
SHEL
Shel.
CASPAR
Maybe there’s a third thing?
SHEL
What about the third thing outside?
CASPAR
What?
SHEL
There are the two big things outside shooting at each other and then the third thing.
CASPAR
The wind chimes.
GLORIA
Anybody know what it is?
EFFIE
I myself am feeling a certain way about that ghostly construct in the distance. Nothin about it feels right.
CASPAR
When I was captured by Ted, he told me that that thing out there is what’s keeping the diner trapped in the present. Do you think there’s any way we can. I don’t know, knock it off line, or something? Maybe if we can destroy it we’ll just zip out of here, leave them to kill each other. BertBert do you know anything about it?
BERTBERT
It’s a massive secret. Something to do with time crystals.
GLORIA
What kind of Masters of the Universe bullshit?
LEIF
It’s a theoretical thing, I don’t do theoretical things.
AVA
Waiting patiently over here at my booth.
GLORIA
What the hell is it?
AVA
It’s not a crystal, first of all.
GLORIA
Crystal is right there in the title.
AVA
A crystal, like the kind idiots wear around their neck, that’s an organized arrangement of atoms. A time crystal is an organized arrangement of time.
GLORIA
Okay, the universe is just making shit up now.
AVA
Imagine a rocking chair. You push it and it rocks back and forth and then stops. If that rocking chair were a time crystal it’s natural state would be rocking back and forth.
GLORIA
How?
AVA
You really want me to-
GLORIA
Never mind. Any chance we can get Låfftrax interested in that instead of the doomsday device? Is it dangerous? Can it kill people? That might be a good sell.
BERTBERT
It’s incredibly dangerous, it could be catastrophic.
GLORIA
That’s great.
CASPAR
Yeah, that might work actually.
BERTBERT
Did you hear what I just said?
LEIF
Låfftrax isn’t going to go for it, they’ve been obsessed with the Ted Slayer ever since I left.
CASPAR
Of course they are, plunging three galaxies into total chaos, that’s like Space Pirate Coachella.
GLORIA
We need to get Låfftrax off of the doomsday device and onto the time crystal thing. We need to convince them to destroy it.
CASPAR
How do we do that?
GLORIA
The Ted Slayer is great for Space Pirates. What we need is someone who is really good at taking a good thing and turning it into something bad…
CASPAR …
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Everyone appears to be looking at me.
THE EX
Oh yeah, Buddy.
ZEBULON
You do have a tendency to turn a wedding into a wake, Caspar.
CASPAR
Okay, okay everyone, harsh but fair. Here I go. Pardon me, Låfftrax?
LÅFFTRAX
Jasper!
LAUGHTER.
CASPAR
So, this doomsday device?
LÅFFTRAX
Oh? Has there been a change of heart?
CASPAR
No. But you’re going to have one.
LÅFFTRAX
Oh yeah? This sounds like a waste of time, I’m into it.
CASPAR
Just to make sure we’re on the same page, if someone uses this device then the entire Ted Empire unravels.
LÅFFTRAX
Sounds great right?
CASPAR
It really does, but then also, when the Teds unravel, so does The Triad, right?
LÅFFTRAX
Oh yeah.
CASPAR
Three galaxies full of chaos.
LÅFFTRAX
Just talking about it gets me excited.
CASPAR
Yeah, I don’t think you want that.
LÅFFTRAX
I don’t?
CASPAR
No. See, there was this guy on Earth. His name was Al Capone.
LÅFFTRAX
Okay.
CASPAR
He was a murderous psychopath who was riddled with syphilis.
LÅFFTRAX
Ooh. Swipe right.
LAUGHTER.
CASPAR
He became incredibly powerful when America decided that it would be a great idea to ban alcohol. Did that stop people from drinking? No. All it did was create a lot of work for people who were good at skirting the law. With alcohol being illegal, Al Capone was able to create a criminal empire larger than anything anyone had ever seen.
LÅFFTRAX
You watch a lot of history shows right?
CASPAR
It’s true. See, Al Capone was only able to become Al Capone because he had laws to break.
If you use this doomsday device then you win. No more Teds. You’d be the ruler of the triad.
LÅFFTRAX
I love this story.
CASPAR
What are you going to do with all the starving people?
LÅFFTRAX
What do you mean what am I going to do?
CASPAR
The Teds are pretty smart, Låfftrax. They suck, they’re the worst, everybody hates them. But they’ve insinuated themselves into peoples lives so deeply, that people can no longer function without them. So now, the way anyone feels about them is totally pointless. People are forced to just sit there and take it, because they have no other choice.
LÅFFTRAX
And this is an argument AGAINST destroying them?
CASPAR
It is. Because I say again, what are you going to do with all the starving people?
LÅFFTRAX
The fuck do I care?
CASPAR
Let ‘em starve, right?
LÅFFTRAX
Sure!
CASPAR
And there you are, you’re they ruler of an empire where everyone is dying. Does that sound like any fun to you?
LÅFFTRAX No.
CASPAR
This is what I’m talking about.
LÅFFTRAX
Okay, fine. Uh... I turn on the warp gate for the planets that have the food and I let them sell it to me for a jacked up price. Now if you want to eat, you go through me.
CASPAR
Great. Let’s look at one of those planets as an example.
LÅFFTRAX
This is boring.
CASPAR
Stick with me. What’s that planet with all the fields?
LEIF
Menite?
CASPAR
Menite! A planet full of rolling fields of grain. Planet gluten, we used to call it. You turn on their warp gate so they can get you all the grain you want and then you turn around and sell it for, I’m thinking, a 500% price increase. In an effort to provide you with all the food that you demand, now everybody on Menite is a farmer. And when everybody’s a farmer, nobody does anything else. When people get sick there’s no doctors, when children are born, they’re born idiots because there are no more schools because everyone is out in the fields all day. You have now created a planet full of sick idiots in charge of feeding millions. When their machines break down, nobody can fix them, when plagues hit, there’s no one to heal them.
LÅFFTRAX
Fine, I’ll put some schools there or whatever and I’ll send them some doctors.
CASPAR
Great. Fantastic. Are you hiring the teachers?
LÅFFTRAX No.
CASPAR
Right. Best to delegate. Ooof, that’s a big planet though, you’re going to need a lot of teachers and those teachers are going to need some organizational support so you’re going to have to create some sort of department of education. You’re cool with that, right?
LÅFFTRAX
Whatever.
CASPAR
Lot of people to take care of too. I mean we’re not talking about a handful of doctors we’re talking about thousands.
LÅFFTRAX
Okay.
CASPAR
I’m assuming you’re not going to hire them either which means you’ll have to delegate the responsibility of hiring the farmers, the doctors, and the teachers. But you know what? Who hires the person that hires the doctors and the teachers, is that you?
LÅFFTRAX
Still no.
CASPAR
Okay, then there’s going to need to be someone above the teachers and the doctors and the people who hire the teachers and the doctors.
LÅFFTRAX
Who the hell is that guy?
CASPAR
I’m thinking a prime minister. Someone to be in charge of the whole planet, someone who answers directly to you.
LÅFFTRAX
Fine. There, it’s handled.
CASPAR
One problem.
LÅFFTRAX
One, huh?
CASPAR
You see, what you don’t know is that on Menite, there’s a small faction of isolationists. They hated the Teds when they were in charge and now they hate you too. They work against you in the background, trying to convince people that you, a murderous Space Pirate, have no business taking the fruits of their hard work and leaving them with nothing. They hold late night meetings, then protests, then walkouts, then they are burning straw effigies if you in the town square! What do they call themselves, Leif?
LEIF
The Brotherhood of the Scythe.
CASPAR
The Brotherhood of the Scythe. I think we can both agree that a name like that is a marketing slam dunk, can’t we?
LÅFFTRAX
Then I have them killed.
CASPAR
How? You can’t find them. You don’t know anyone on this planet, they all look the same to you. You really want to spend your time rooting out rebellion on the wheat fields?
LÅFFTRAX No.
CASPAR
Then what do you do, Låfftrax?
LÅFFTRAX
… Form a police force.
CASPAR
That’s right. Låfftrax the Pirate, career criminal, is hiring cops.
LÅFFTRAX
But I don’t want to hire cops.
CASPAR
Nobody does! But you don’t have a choice because there are people out there starving, and nobody wants to rule over a starving empire.
LÅFFTRAX
Fine. I’ll hire some cops.
CASPAR
Unfortunately they’ve just formed a union.
LÅFFTRAX
Already?!
CASPAR
Oh yes. Because they’re risking their lives every day and they feel that they deserve more pay than your giving them. Uh-oh, the teachers just found out about the police union. Now they’re unionizing too. They insist that they’re job is as important as the police.
LÅFFTRAX
It’s not though!
CASPAR
Try telling them that, Låfftrax, the children are the future!
LÅFFTRAX
No, they’re not!
CASPAR
Now the teachers aren’t teaching, the police aren’t policing, now the FARMERS have heard about the teachers and the police and now THEY’VE decided to get in on the actions, and you know what they say about farmers, Låfftrax, they’re ALLLLLLL fucking communists! Nobody’s teaching, nobody’s policing, nobody’s farming, and WHO in this time of chaos emerges from the wheat field, Låfftrax?
LEIF
The Brotherhood of the Scythe.
CASPAR
The Brotherhood of the Scythe! They’ve announced that they’re forming a legitimate political party!
LÅFFTRAX
How the hell did we get political parties?!
CASPAR
How the hell do we ever get political parties, Låfftrax!? They’re asking for free and fair elections.
LÅFFTRAX
Oh, gross.
CASPAR
They’re asking for a neutral third party to observe the free and fair elections!
LÅFFTRAX
No, dude!
CASPAR
They are asking… for paid vacation.
LÅFFTRAX
Oh God!
CASPAR
That’s right. A planet that you thought was going to be a cash cow has now become a cow that you can’t eat and can’t milk. You know what you call a cow that you can’t eat and can’t milk?
LÅFFTRAX
Nothing?
CASPAR
Nothing at all, Låfftrax. Just a big thing sitting there mooing. Annoying the shit out of you. You get all this from one planet. And you’ve just inherited millions of them. Millions of planets have gone from fearing you, to hating you. You used to be the most feared person in three galaxies and now? Now you’re just the boss, telling everyone you can’t afford Christmas bonuses this year. And you got all of this… because you won.
BERTBERT
Amazing.
GLORIA
It’s like he’s an artist and his canvas is misery.
LÅFFTRAX
Winning sucks.
CASPAR
It really does.
LÅFFTRAX
This restaurant is terrible.
CASPAR
Zero stars, for sure.
LÅFFTRAX
Well now what am I supposed to do?
CASPAR
Hear me out. See that big thing way out there?
LÅFFTRAX
It looks like wind chimes.
CASPAR
Yes. The Teds love that thing, Låfftrax. It’s their baby. It’s a top secret project that they’ve been working on for years. Let’s blow it up.
LÅFFTRAX
I like blowing things up.
CASPAR
Who doesn’t? I say you aim one of your big guns at that thing and really give The Teds a bad day.
LEIF
80 ton rail gun would do the trick.
CASPAR
80 ton rail gun? That sounds like a hum dinger.
LÅFFTRAX
Oooh. I never get to use the rail gun.
CASPAR
I’m getting excited just talking about it.
LÅFFTRAX
So if I blow that thing up, The Teds will hate it?
CASPAR
Oh yes.
LÅFFTRAX
Like, a LOT, hate it?
CASPAR
Absolutely.
LÅFFTRAX
… Look at you.
CASPAR
Me?
LÅFFTRAX
Let me tell you my favorite joke.
EVEN OLDER LEIF Aw, fuck.
LÅFFTRAX
Three beekeepers walk into a bar. The first beekeeper says, “I have one hundred thousand bees and ten hives.” The second bee keeper says, “That’s impressive, but I have five hundred thousand bees, and twenty hives.” They turn to the third beekeeper and ask “How many bees do you have?”. “Oh, me?”, he says. “Well I have one million bees.” “One million bees?” They say. “That is very impressive. How many hives do you have?” And the third beekeeper says to them. “I have one hive.” “One hive?!” They say. “You have one million bees but only one hive?” And the third beekeeper says, “Yeah… fuck ‘em.”
LAUGHTER.
CASPAR
I don’t-
LÅFFTRAX
I appreciate you trying to appeal to my common sense or whatever. That was fun. But here’s the deal… I’m a Space Pirate, cupcake. And I don’t give a shit. Leif gives me the boom boom box. This is not a negotiation.
RADIO BUZZING.
TED
And I’m back. FYI I can keep doing this, Effie.
EFFIE
Aw snails!
CASPAR
Ted, you can’t keep this up forever.
TED
You’re right, how about I speed things up with a boarding party!
TED BOTS CRASH DOWN IN THE DINER PARKING LOT.
TED (CONT’D)
You’re being evicted, dickwads!
GLORIA
Oh shit!
LÅFFTRAX
That’s cheating!
LEIF
Lock the doors!
CASPAR
Ex?
THE EX
Yeah, I got it, hang on.
DOOR CHIME.
THE EX (CONT’D) (Outside.) Aloha!
TEDBOT
Do not move.
THE EX GOES TO TOWN ON THE BOTS, RIPPING THEM TO SHREDS.
GLORIA
Whoa.
LEIF
Oh my God.
AVA
Heh. She’s got that one in a headlock.
EFFIE
This is very enjoyable.
ZEBULON
She’s using the leg of one to beat the other ones.
SHEL
I like and am also scared of her.
DOOR CHIME.
THE EX
Okay, we’re good.
TED
Wh… What the fuck was that? What the fuck just happened?
CASPAR
It’s kind of hard to explain, Ted. Suffice to say, it’s important to always end your relationships responsibly so that everyone gets the closure they need.
TED
What?
THE EX
You. Space Pirate. Enough is enough.
PLASMA GUN POWERING UP.
LÅFFTRAX
Whoa whoa whoa whoa, there.
GLORIA
Gun!
ZEBULON
Oh my!
LÅFFTRAX
Back it up, Lizzie Borden-bot.
THE EX
You know, whatever you’re pointing at me probably can’t kill me.
LÅFFTRAX
You come at me and I start killing your friends. Leif’s the only one I need alive. Leif, am I a pretty good shot with this thing?
LEIF
You’re the best.
LÅFFTRAX
That’s right. I can even do those fancy no-look trick shots. Wanna see?
GLORIA
Nobody wants to see. We all believe you.
CASPAR
Ex, stand down.
LÅFFTRAX
I’m keeping my eye on you.
THE EX
Caspar, somebody has to do something.
CASPAR
I know. But nobody can. Ted, we’ve got a problem.
TED
I’m sorry, we? I don’t actually have a problem.
CASPAR
Yes you do, Ted. You saw what just happened to your boarding party.
That’s going to happen to anyone who tries to get in here, because we have a secret weapon, hey Boo.
THE EX
Hey.
CASPAR
So you can’t get in here, Låfftrax won’t leave and your two ships are just sitting out there shooting at each other. Here we all are, Ted. Locked up in each other’s bullshit. Nobody giving an inch, all of us getting nowhere. And we’ll grind away like this, convincing ourselves that we’re making progress but we’ll always just be right here. Until we all stop caring all at the same time.
TED
Are you making a personal appeal right now?
CASPAR
Yes.
TED
To whom? Me? Do you think I have any choice in what’s going on right now? Nobody makes choices in my world Buddy. The directives come through and we just do what we’re told.
CASPAR
Ted if this goes on long enough, we’re just going to jump away again. Then it starts again. You chasing us, us narrowly escaping. It could go on forever.
TED
No, it won’t go on forever. It’ll go like this: you keep running and we are always there, around every corner, slowly grinding you down. I don’t care what kind of secret weapon you have, you’ll all fuck up eventually. And we will pick you off one by one, until it’s down to just you again, Caspar. And then we’ll grab you too. And then it will just be an empty diner criss crossing the triad. And nobody will care. It won’t be dramatic. It’ll just be another thing decided for us. That’s how this ends.
CASPAR
Even your malevolence is boring, Ted.
TED
Boring but effective. That’s how we rule the cosmos. What’d you think? That this was some sort of final showdown? No such thing in my world. It all just keeps grinding on.
CASPAR
… These guys are the fucking worst.
GLORIA
Anybody have any other ideas?
LÅFFTRAX
Excuse me, waiter. Looks like we’re going to be a while. I’d like to order.
THE EX
Leif, can your ship get me over to the Ted Ship.
LEIF
They’d see you coming.
THE EX
But there’s a cloaking device right?
LEIF
The cloaking device is optical. They can still pick you up on scanners. You’d get blown out of the sky.
THE EX
I really don’t like feeling helpless.
CASPAR
You wanted to learn about being human. Helplessness is really the first lesson.
LÅFFTRAX
Hello?
SHEL
Gloria, I’m going to go take Låfftrax’s order.
GLORIA
Why?
SHEL
Nothing is working, maybe being nice will work.
GLORIA
Sure. Sure, okay.
CASPAR
We should try anything at this point.
SHEL
Okay.
BERTBERT
This is not a bad situation to be in, right? We’re essentially in a stalemate with everyone. It beats the alternative.
CASPAR
The thought of having to run from the Teds for the rest of our lives sounds miserable.
BERTBERT
Yeah, well, welcome to The Triad, Buddy.
SHEL
Excuse me, Låfftrax, what would you like?
LÅFFTRAX
Hey, look at this, Baby Swamp Thing’s trying to take my order.
LAUGHTER.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Every restaurant needs a gimmick.
LÅFFTRAX
Do they have to prune you back in the winter time?
SHEL
I don’t know what that means.
LÅFFTRAX
“I don’t know what that means.” It’s adorable! Look at you, I want to wrap a string of popcorn around you and put an angel on your head.
SHEL
Can I please take your order?
LÅFFTRAX
Alright, calm down there, you little Kebler Tree, what’s good here?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Can’t go wrong with the Monte Cristo.
LÅFFTRAX
Ooh. Sounds good. Two Monte Cristos please.
SHEL
Would you like coffee?
LÅFFTRAX
Well, sure. I hear the coffee is great here.
SHEL
Coming right up.
LÅFFTRAX
Should I not have ordered you a Monte Cristo? It’s not going to be too hard on your arteries, is it old timer?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Would’ve been. Most of my arteries are gortex grafts at this point.
LÅFFTRAX
You know, I thought you’d had some work done. Where did you go?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Zakynat.
LÅFFTRAX
I hear they’re great. I thought about getting a little nip and tuck here and there but I’m already such a Supertramp, right? How do you improve on perfection?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
So true.
LÅFFTRAX
We used to get around, you and I. You remember.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
I remember.
LÅFFTRAX
There was that bird lady. What was her name?
EVEN OLDER LEIF B’jolanth.
LÅFFTRAX
She was a lot.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
I know.
LÅFFTRAX
You were with two Keets, at the same time, and didn’t know it.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
They all look alike.
LÅFFTRAX
Then the one with the poofy tail.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Emma the Neko Queen.
BERTBERT
This is disgusting.
LEIF
I’m in hell.
LÅFFTRAX
She almost killed you, didn’t she? With a lamp?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Yeah, but you can’t blame her. She was a good person we just couldn’t get on the same… frequency…
LÅFFTRAX
Uh oh. Did we lose him? Grampaw is the dementia kicking in?
LAUGHTER.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Excuse me for just one second boss.
LÅFFTRAX
Okay, come back soon, when I get bored I kill things.
COFFEE POURING.
EFFIE
Shel?
SHEL
Yes?
EFFIE
Why am I smelling a scheme on you right now?
SHEL
It’s going to be fine.
THE EX
Are you having a good time yucking it up with the pirate holding us all hostage?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Sorry, am I impeding the incredible progress you’re all making in our predicament?
CASPAR
You’re not wrong.
SHEL
Here’s you’re coffee, Låfftrax.
LÅFFTRAX
Thanks, O, Tannenbaum.
LAUGHTER.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Hey, Doc. Mind if I have a seat?
AVA
Sure.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Good to see you again.
AVA
Are you making small talk with me while we’re caught in the middle of a deep space naval battle?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
I’m shopping around for a theory.
CASPAR
Is it a theory that can get us out of this mess?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
I’m talking to my friend, here.
CASPAR
Jesus Christ.
AVA
Don’t try and talk physics with me, Leif. You always embarrass yourself.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Time crystals. They can’t be the power source for that thing out there.
AVA
No, they can’t. Why is that Leif?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Because you can’t gain any new energy from a time crystal.
AVA
That’s right. And why is that?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Because then you would be creating new energy. And you can’t create new energy in the universe, you can only move it from one place to another.
AVA
In a universe set to infinity, you can’t add to infinity.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Making infinity, in its way, finite.
AVA
Well, look who’s still sucking in oxygen. Why are we talking about this?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
I think I have, unfortunately, figured it out.
SHEL
Låfftrax?
LÅFFTRAX
You’re hovering, there, Miracle Grow, I don’t like it when people hover.
SHEL
Låfftrax, that big gun that Leif was talking about, I need you to point it at the other big thing out there, just like Caspar said.
LÅFFTRAX
Oh, is that what you need?
SHEL
Yes.
LÅFFTRAX
And what makes you think I’m going to-
SHEL
BECAUSEIJUSTPOISONEDYOU.
GHASPS.
GLORIA …
LEIF
…
CASPAR …
GLORIA
What?
LEIF
What?
AVA
What?
LÅFFTRAX
What the fuck did you just say to me?
SHEL
I just… poisoned you. Your coffee was poisoned.
GLORIA
Oh my god.
LÅFFTRAX
Poisoned. With. What?
SHEL
With me. I’m poisonous.
AVA
What?
GLORIA
What?
CASPAR
Seriously?
SHEL
At the bottom of your coffee cup you’ll see a small piece of my outer carapace. It’s poisonous.
COFFEE CUP BEING TURNED OVER.
LÅFFTRAX
I feel fine.
SHEL
Are you sure, you’re sweating a lot.
LÅFFTRAX
Shut up, I am not.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
You actually are, Boss.
LÅFFTRAX
EVERYBODY SHUT UP.
SHEL
Numbness will start in your extremities and slowly move to your heart, or hearts depending.
LÅFFTRAX
Bullshit.
SHEL
How are your hands feeling?
LÅFFTRAX
…
LÅFFTRAX (CONT’D)
You little mulch pellet!
TABLES KNOCKED OVER AS LÅFFTRAX LUNGES FOR SHEL.
SHEL
Don’t over exert yourself, your just going to speed up the poison!
LÅFFTRAX
There’s no way this hurts me MY LIVER IS THE SIZE OF A HAVALINA!
SHEL
It can kill something the size of that ship in the parking lot… you don’t have a lot of time, you have to do what I say.
AVA
Dark fucking horse.
PLASMA GUN POWERING UP.
LÅFFTRAX
I’m gonna kill you!
LEIF
Oh fuck!
GLORIA
Shel get behind me!
LÅFFTRAX
Everybody out of the way, it’s time for some herbicide!
SHEL
If you shoot me you won’t get the antidote!
GLORIA
Shel, what the fuck!?
SHEL
I’m sorry, somebody had to do something!
LÅFFTRAX
Okay FINE! Everybody dies, then!
CASPAR
Ex!
SHOTS RING OUT, EVERYONE DUCKS FOR COVER.
THE EX
C’MERE!
LÅFFTRAX
WHOA! OOF!
A THUD AS THE EX PINS LÅFFTRAX TO THE GROUND.
THE EX
Now you stay down!
LÅFFTRAX
Get off me you TITANIUM HOOKER!
THE EX
Don’t test me, I’ll pop off your arms like a Ken Doll!
LÅFFTRAX
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE!
AVA
We run a diner.
GLORIA
Shel!?
SHEL
Just trust me, okay?… Only a couple of minutes left, Låfftrax.
LÅFFTRAX
I hope you get eaten by beavers you little shrub demon!
SHEL
Leif, what is it called?
LEIF
80 ton rail gun.
SHEL
Point your 80 ton rail gun at the big thing out there. It’s the only way you live.
LÅFFTRAX
… Fine. Antidote first!
SHEL
Nope.
LÅFFTRAX
Rrrrrrrrrrrrfine!
SHEL
How do they talk to the ship?
LEIF
Communicator. Right front pocket.
SHEL
Okay. Låfftrax, do I have permission to reach into your pocket?
LÅFFTRAX
I’m going chop you up and put you in my closet to repel moths!
SHEL
Taking that as a yes… okay.
COMMUNICATOR BEEPS.
SHEL (CONT’D)
Talk.
LÅFFTRAX
…Ryanabbi…
RYANABBI
(In communicator.)
Hey boss.
LÅFFTRAX
Point the rail gun at that big thing out there and fire…
RYANABBI
Gonna take a minute.
LÅFFTRAX
I don’t care, just do it!
RYANABBI
Targeting now.
LÅFFTRAX
There. Now give me the fucking antidote.
SHEL
Okay. Don’t let them up, okay?
THE EX
They’re not going anywhere.
SHEL
I’m Shel, by the way.
THE EX
I’m Ex, it’s nice to meet you.
SHEL
I’m sorry everyone was so rude to you earlier.
THE EX
You know, it’s a lot of old business-
GLORIA
Shel!
SHEL
Sorry, Gloria I need your help making the antidote.
GLORIA
Fine.
EFFIE
I am rearranging my opinion of this strange lady, Dear.
ZEBULON
I do feel much safer.
THE EX
Thanks, Guys.
EFFIE
Don’t push it, though.
THE EX
Oh, whatever.
SHEL
Get a really sharp knife.
LÅFFTRAX
Hurry up!
GLORIA
What am I doing with it?
SHEL
Just get it.
GLORIA
Okay.
RUMMAGING THROUGH KITCHEN KNIVES.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
Seriously, Shel? Poisonous?
SHEL
Sorry. I wanted you all to like me.
GLORIA
We all like Caspar, he’s emotionally poisonous.
CASPAR
Okay.
GLORIA
I have a knife, what now?
SHEL
I need you to cut into me a little bit.
GLORIA
I don’t want to do that.
SHEL
It’s okay.
GLORIA
Isn’t that going to hurt you?
SHEL
Of course it’s going to hurt me, you’re cutting into me.
GLORIA
I don’t want to hurt you.
SHEL
Not too deep, see on my side here, the skin is like bark, right? I need you to pry it open a little.
GLORIA
Oh god.
SHEL
It’ll heal. It’s like Proverbs 27, right Zeb? “Wounds from a sincere friend are better than kisses from an enemy.”
ZEBULON
That’s right, Shel.
GLORIA
Okay. Okay. Oh god oh god oh god okay.
SHEL’S SKIN CRACKS LIKE THE BARK OF A TREE.
SHEL
Owowowowowowowow-
GLORIA
I’m sorry!
SHEL
It’s okay, it’s okay-
GLORIA
What do I do now?
SHEL
See that white fuzzy stuff?
GLORIA
Yeah.
SHEL
That’s it. Grab a little bit.
GLORIA
Okay, I’ve got it.
SHEL
Okay, you can take the knife out.
GLORIA
Okay, I’m taking it out.
SHEL
OW!
GLORIA
I’m sorry again!
SHEL
It’s okay.
GLORIA
What now?
SHEL
Låfftrax has to eat it.
LÅFFTRAX
Gimmie it!
GLORIA
Okay. Don’t let them up yet.
THE EX
I won’t.
GLORIA
Open your mouth.
LÅFFTRAX
Ahhhhhhh. Ooof! Oh that tastes like ashtray water!
GLORIA
Keep chewing! Leif, make sure the pirate ship is doing what it’s supposed to.
LEIF
Let’s watch some fucking fireworks, y’all. Everyone outside.
DOOR CHIME.
GLORIA
Bring the pirate outside.
THE EX
Up we go!
LÅFFTRAX
Ow! Hey! Can I have my gun back?
THE EX
Absolutely not.
SHEL
C’mon Mucklewains. We might actually be out of the woods.
ZEBULON
That was quite a brave thing you did, Shel.
SHEL
I know, right? It was kind of biblical, huh? A wound in my side and everything.
DOOR CHIME THEN SILENCE.
AVA
You don’t look happy.
EVEN OLDER LEIF No.
AVA
Tell me.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
The reason it looks like wind chimes is because it’s constantly borrowing and giving back energy from different vibrational states. It creates a current from energy flowing back and forth between several universes at once.
AVA
And that energy flows through the time crystals. Creating a field across three galaxies.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Somehow. But here’s the kicker-
AVA
If your particles aren’t vibrating at the same frequency as the wind chimes, you can’t interact with it.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
It’ll be like a ghost. Nothing can touch it.
AVA
The rail gun is going to shoot straight through it like it’s not even there.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Correct.
AVA
Why didn’t you say anything?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
What if I’m wrong?
AVA
You’re not wrong.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
No. I’m not.
AVA
… So we’re screwed.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
It’s good to see you again, Doc. You know, I’ve seen a lot of things.
Never saw a man crawl across three galaxies just to say he’s sorry. For what it’s worth.
AVA
Leif, where are you going?
EVEN OLDER LEIF Showtime.
DOOR CHIME. SOUND OF THE SPACE BATTLE INTENSIFIES.
RYANABBI
Targeting engaged. Loading R1.
LEIF
See it there. You can see it turning.
CASPAR
Jesus, its the size of the Brooklyn Bridge.
GLORIA
That’s going to shoot something?
LEIF
Super-heated plasma, void torpedos, Purple Nullifiers, they’re all great. But in the end nothing comes close to a huge rail launching a 80 ton hunk of metal at something else.
BERTBERT
Shouldn’t they be shooting that at The Teds?
LEIF
Too slow. You can’t shoot it at something that can get out of the way. It’s a city killer.
BERTBERT
You’ve really kept the worst company, you know that?
GLORIA
Hey. He’s gotten better.
RYANABBI
Target locked.
LEIF
Here we go. Eat shit, Teds.
RYANABBI
Launching in 3, 2, 1, projectile away.
LEIF
C’mon, c’mon, c’mon…
LEIF (CONT’D)
…
CASPAR …
GLORIA …
BERTBERT
Why isn’t anything happening?
LÅFFTRAX
Did you fucking idiots miss?
RYANABBI
No, boss. Targeting was right on. Projectile passed right through it.
LÅFFTRAX
Passed through it?
LEIF
How’s that possible?
AVA
We can’t touch it.
GLORIA
What? Why?
TED
(In the radio.)
Hey guys. whatcha up to? Did you somehow get Låfftrax to fire their rail gun at my wind chimes? how’d it go? Are you winning the battle?
AVA
It cycles between vibrational states. We can’t touch it because it only exists in our universe in random intervals.
LEIF
Thats impossible.
AVA
That’s how it generates energy. Do the math, Leif.
LÅFFTRAX
This place sucks. Fuck you people and your math. Ryanabbi, beam me the fuck up and let’s get out of here. I hate this place. Let’s go pillage something.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO.
LÅFFTRAX BEAMS UP.
GLORIA
Were you going to tell us this?
AVA
I didn’t know. Even Older Leif just told me.
CASPAR
The pirate ship is leaving. There goes our cover.
TED
Hey Caspar, quick question. Was trying to work with pirates your WORST idea yet, or was it just maybe top five?
CASPAR
Well at least we’ll be reunited once again old pal.
TED
I’m going to freeze you in a block of ice and put you in my quarters like a taxidermied elk you fucking chimp. Prepare to be boarded, Midnight Burger.
ThE EX
I’m going to eat all your bots alive, Ted.
TED
Yeah, I don’t know who you are lady, but there’s one of you and I’ve got 500 bots. Let’s see what happens.
LEIF
Where’s Leif?
THRUSTERS OF THE NANCY SINATRA FIRE UP AND TAKE OFF.
GLORIA
Where’s he going?
THE EX
Is he leaving us?
AVA
No.
TED
Hey, hey, hey. Who’s trying to escape? Are you kidding me? Would you prefer I shoot you down or hit you with the tractor beam? I’m on the fence.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
(On the radio.)
Hell, why not both?
TED
Who is this?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
This is Leif.
LEIF
Leif, what are you doing?
TED
Well then who the fuck is that?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
That’s also Leif.
TED
Oh whatever, I’m so sick of this shit. Whoever you are surrender your vessel or be destroyed.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Sorry, pal. I’ve got a date with your contraption out there.
TED
Oh, this is heroism? That’s adorable. Buddy, didn’t you just watch an 80 ton projectile pass through my contraption.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Nothing’s untouchable, Tediots. Especially not to a guy who knows how to get his drive core to mimic a vibrational pattern.
TED
Wait, what?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Let’s pause while I analyze your vibrational oscillations and you slowly realize how I’m about to blow your shit up.
LEIF
Leif, what are you doing?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
You know what I’m doing, kiddo.
LEIF
Oscillations like that are going to irradiate your entire ship.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Not really thinking in the long term right now.
CASPAR
What is he doing?
LEIF
Leif, this isn’t the way, we can figure something else out.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Hey, relax. If I’m being honest, all I’ve been doing these days is looking for a fancy exit. This one’s as good as they come.
TED
Shoot him down. SHOOT HIM DOWN RIGHT NOW.
THE TEDNOUGHT OPENS FIRE ON THE NANCY SINATRA.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Not very good at shooting small targets are you?
TED
Fire everything! Are we firing everything?
SEVERAL EXPLOSIONS ARE HEARD OVER THE RADIO.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Sure could use a prayer right now Mucklewains.
EFFIE
Ephesians, dear.
ZEBULON
Take my hand… Put on the whole armor of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flash and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness in this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places!
STATIC CRACKLES IN THE RADIO AND THE TEDNOUGHT STOPS FIRING.
SONG: WHAT A FRIEND WE HAVE IN JESUS BY THE CRITERION QUARTET.
TED
What the hells happening? What is that music? WHY ARENT WE FIRING!?!
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Well would you look at that.
EFFIE
The path is clear, old man. Godspeed.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
I’ll be damned. Saved by the power of Jesus. How’s that for some fucking irony.
CASPAR
Leif, what is he doing?
LEIF
He’s going to ram it.
CASPAR
I thought we couldn’t touch it.
LEIF
He’s overcharging his core and using the excess energy to alter his vibrational pattern. If he matches the vibrational pattern of the wind chimes then it’s just as vulnerable as anything else.
AVA
It’s brilliant.
LEIF
Leif, we could’ve talked about this.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
No time, Buster. Listen close… this is going to be your speech someday… I am Leif… I live forever in every moment I’ve existed… I swear to every star in the cosmos… I never forgot it was a gift… not for one second…
EVEN OLDER LEIF CUTS OUT. ALARMS BLARING ON THE TEDNOUGHT. A MASSIVE EXPLOSION RUSHES OUTWARD.
TED
Oh fuck. Oh FUCK! ALL POWER TO THE SHEILDS RIGHT-
THE TEDNOUGHT CUTS OUT.
CASPAR
He saved us.
GLORIA
We’re free.
BERTBERT
Leif. Are you okay?
LEIF
…Debris field.
BERTBERT
What?
LEIF
Debris field. There’s going to be a debris field. Everybody needs to get inside right now.
CASPAR
Okay, let’s go everybody, inside.
DOOR CHIME.
SHEL
What’s happening?
GLORIA
We need to get to a safe place.
SHEL
We’ll be safe in here?
LEIF
I know the diner’s been through a lot, but everybody get under a booth, just to be safe, I don’t know what’s coming at us right now.
GLORIA
Shel, under here.
SHEL
Okay.
LEIF
We’ll be fine… we’ll be fine…
BERTBERT
Leif, you too. Get down.
LEIF
Yeah, okay.
ATOMIZED DEBRIS BEGINS TO HIT THE DINER LIKE LARGER AND LARGER HAILSTONES.
CASPAR
…Hi.
AVA
…Hi.
THE HAIL OF DEBRIS IS DEAFENING AND THEN FADES OUT.
THE END.