Chapter 16: El Triste
SFX: THE UNDERSIGNAL THEME SONG.
MR. UNDERSIGNAL
This is the Undersignal, the voice of freedom in the triad. For many days now Midnight Burger has been tearing a path of chaos through the systems, as the Ted Empire struggles with damage control. On the planet of Benijessica, Leif of Midnight Burger puts the troubled planet on the path of energy independence...
LEIF
This planet’s energy grid was about as efficient as a canvas-topped submarine, with these new schematics you’ll be able to stop importing fuel from the Teds and stand on your own two feet.
BYSTANDER
We love you, Leif!
LEIF
We love you!
MR. UNDERSIGNAL
Then, on the planet of Cariel-3, Dr. Ava Maddox confronts the Science-Priests of the High Temple of Moog...
AVA
Listen guys, I’m not going to lie, Science-Priest is a pretty amazing title, I’m kind of jealous. But if you’re going to throw the word science in there without any actual scientific knowledge, let’s consider the words of Kepler: “Before we go all in on this religion garbage, maybe we should, you know, try literally everything else.” I’m paraphrasing.
MR. UNDERSIGNAL
And warring factions of the planet of Fikin-G were finally brought to the bargaining table by Midnight Burger’s leader, Gloria, and peace was forged using a sacred Earth tradition...
GLORIA
Look, you guys, the Teds have been funding both sides of this war for years, why don’t we stop fighting and talk about who the REAL enemy is? And remember, when all five dice are the same, you have to shout “Yahtzee”.
MR. UNDERSIGNAL
Now the entire Triad waits with bated breath to see where the mysterious diner will appear next. And when they do, will the Ted Empire finally have an opportunity to put an end to Midnight Burger’s path of chaos that has inspired the downtrodden all across the system? Stay tuned to The Undersignal, the voice of freedom in The Triad, as the story develops...
SFX: VERY BUSY DINER.
GLORIA
Jesus, these people are hungry!
LEIF
There’s a line out the door, I can’t even see where it ends!
AVA
I just finished emergency inventory and it’s pretty Dickensian in the walk-in, we’re basically out of food.
GLORIA
We’ve only been here an hour! Why are they so hungry?
LEIF
I don’t know, I can’t understand a word they’re saying.
AVA
This is what happens when you open the rebellion cafe, everyone wants to come here with their beret on.
EFFIE
Gloria, this ain’t just a busy shift. We can’t understand a word these people are saying either but their situation is dire.
AVA
We’ve been in a billion dire situations in the last two weeks, guys.
EFFIE
But this is something new. Not just a dire situation but… what is the word?
ZEBULON
Portent, dear.
EFFIE
That’s it, dear. Thank you. Portent, Gloria.
GLORIA
Whatever, guys.
EFFIE
Something important is to happen here.
ZEBULON
It’s so strong that I feel it myself. There is a weight to this day.
EFFIE
A weight. That’s it indeed.
ZEBULON
I feel it is a day of a great sermon.
EFFIE
Yes, amen.
GLORIA
Guys. We’re in the weeds here, there’s not going to be any time for Zebulon to give a sermon.
ZEBULON
That is the puzzling bit, Gloria.
EFFIE
The sermon will not be given by us.
AVA
I’ll do it.
EFFIE
You will not.
AVA
C’mon, you don’t think they want to hear a lecture on Magnetars? It’s a barn burner, I have jokes.
GLORIA
I need to understand what these people are saying, where’s Shel?
AVA
I sent Shel outside to talk to people, maybe they can figure out what’s going on.
ZEBULON
Mmm. Can you feel it coming together, my Dear?
EFFIE
Oh, yes, husband. Throngs of the hungry, seeking guidance. All of them gathered together, their confusion their only commonality.
ZEBULON
Not to mention it’s a lovely day out.
EFFIE
It is sermon o’clock and we are late, dear.
ZEBULON
How might we contribute to this day of importance, I wonder?
EFFIE
Well, we’ve got the throngs of people, we have an eagerness for guidance, we’ve got the sunshine, what else do we need?
ZEBULON
Apostles.
AVA
I’ll be an apostle.
EFFIE
No, you will not.
AVA
I love flowing garments.
ZEBULON
Perhaps not Paul and Mark and the rest but a way to spread the good word far and wide.
AVA
I can spread the good word far and wide.
EFFIE
What did I just say?
AVA
Not in a Jesus way, in a science way.
ZEBULON
How do you mean, Ava?
SFX: BACK DOOR SLAMMING.
SHEL
WOW, these people are chatty! Okay, everybody huddle up. It was hard to get them to talk to me. They kept screaming and running away in fear.
I mean, seriously am I really the only photosynthetic motherfucker in the galaxy?
GLORIA
Stop teaching Shel to curse!
AVA
Skills are important.
SHEL
So, I stopped trying to talk to people and I just stood really still. Eventually they mistook me for a bush and they started yapping away. Everyone, welcome to the planet Milinov. They are BIG fans of you guys. Such big fans that as soon as we started our war with The Teds, they shut down their warp gate in protest.
GLORIA
Oh, great.
LEIF
This is what we were afraid of.
SHEL
Apparently this was a really bad idea.
LEIF
Yeah, it was.
SHEL
All their food comes from somewhere else, I guess? What’s the place that makes food?
GLORIA
A farm.
SHEL
Right, there’s none of those.
GLORIA
On the whole planet?
SHEL
Is that bad?
GLORIA
Yes!
SHEL
Also, basically all they have on this planet are restaurants. That’s what we are right?
GLORIA
The whole planet?
SHEL
Yes. People come here from other planets to eat at the restaurants and then go to something called a spa.
LEIF
Shit, it’s a leisure planet.
AVA
It sounds excellent except for the small detail of everyone starving.
LEIF
This is exactly what I was talking about.
GLORIA
Don’t start with me.
LEIF
What the fuck were they thinking? They shut off their only means of getting food, what was their endgame?
GLORIA
Sometimes you’re too miserable to think about the endgame.
LEIF
That sounds familiar.
GLORIA
I said don’t start with me.
AVA
On a related note, I just checked the calendar and it’s National Use Your Doomsday Device Day and I know a great way to celebrate.
LEIF
That’ll just make it worse.
SHEL
Also, there’s something floating in the parking lot.
AVA
Oh my God, Leif, your ex is here.
GLORIA
Great, what is this now?
SFX: DOOR CHIME. THE SOUND OF THRONGS OF PEOPLE AND SOMETHING HOVERING IN THE PARKING LOT.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
What the hell is this?
LEIF
It’s a message drone.
DRONE
You have one message.
LEIF
Don’t listen to it.
GLORIA
Play the message.
TED
(From message drone.)
Oh hey, Midnight Burger. Ted Empire calling. I decided to leave you a little message on every planet just because I wanted to let you guys know that your highly-publicized guerrilla warfare is, guess what? Worthless! I’m sure you guys think you’re out there fighting the good fight but you’re basically congratulating yourselves for shooting an elephant with a rubber band. But this is what I expect from you Earthlings. Your planet has not spent NEARLY enough time thinking about the futility of your actions. Except for the Danish. They’ve really got the pointlessness of life nailed. A bunch of existentially exhausted beans over there. Oh, and by the way, this message has just pinged us with your location. Better hope there’s no Ted ships in the area! See you soon!
DRONE
End of message. Would you like to reply?
LEIF
Don’t reply.
GLORIA
I’m replying.
LEIF
Telling them to fuck off isn’t going to do anything.
GLORIA
What do you want me to do, beg for our lives?
LEIF
The people on this planet are begging for their lives because of what we started.
GLORIA
I didn’t ask anybody to starve themselves.
LEIF
Gloria, for two weeks we’ve been on an anti-goodwill tour, did you think people were just going to sit there? No. They’re going to get all riled up like this planet has and then expect us to save them somehow. Now we’ve shown up on a starving planet without any food. This was bound to happen.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
AVA
Leif, I’m taking Effie and Zebulon up to the roof, come with me.
LEIF
What?
AVA
I have an idea.
LEIF
An idea about what?
AVA
Haven’t you heard? There’s going to be a sermon today.
LEIF
What are you talking about?
AVA
Effie and Zebulon said so.
LEIF
Who are you?
AVA
I’m the person in the diner who’s smarter than you. Come up to the roof.
LEIF
Fine, whatever.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
GLORIA
You think this is a good time to say “I told you so”?
LEIF
I did tell you so. So, yes.
DRONE
Would you like to reply?
GLORIA
…What’s going to happen to them?
LEIF
They’ll surrender eventually. Probably get a heavy fine from the Teds. It’ll take a generation for them to pay it off. But they’ll be okay. You’re right, you didn’t ask them to do this. It was irrational of them, you can’t go up against these guys unless you have a plan.
GLORIA
Are you talking about them or me?
LEIF
…Look. I’m going to go in there, serve the last of our food and apologize. It’s all we can do at this point.
GLORIA
Then what do we do?
LEIF
Honestly, after that, I’m making a gun.
GLORIA
The fuck for, leif?
LEIF
The Teds just got pinged with our location, this could be the end of the road. If they think I have a weapon they might hesitate for a second, give us a chance to slip away.
GLORIA
What about the purple nurple?
LEIF
Purple Nullifier. That only works once, they’ll have a plan for it next time. So I’m making a plasma cannon. It’ll only have one shot but they’ll have to go into a standoff protocol and that’ll take some time.
GLORIA
Whatever.
LEIF
We weren’t going to be able to keep this up forever. Honestly, I’m surprised we made it this long. I’ll be on the roof.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
DRONE
Would you like to reply?
SHEL
Psst. Gloria.
GLORIA
Shel, you don’t have to pretend to be a bush anymore.
SHEL
I’m kind of enjoying it. Ava calls it “doing spy shit”.
GLORIA
Okay. Enjoy.
SHEL
It kind of scares me when you and Leif fight.
GLORIA
I know, I’m sorry.
SHEL
You’ve been fighting a lot lately.
GLORIA
Yes, I’m sorry.
SHEL
I also can’t quite tell what you’re fighting about. It’s almost like when humans argue they’re arguing about two things at the same time but one of those things isn’t being said and the other one is.
GLORIA
Yeah, we definitely do that.
SHEL
So, what’s the thing that isn’t being said?
GLORIA
I don’t know, Shel.
SHEL
… it’s messy out here.
GLORIA
What’s messy?
SHEL
Out here. All these planets, all these people, it’s a mess.
GLORIA
It really is.
SHEL
I feel like you’ve been trying to make some sense of it. I’ve really appreciated that.
GLORIA
I don’t know what I’ve been trying to do.
SHEL
I knew what things were on my planet, it was a lot simpler. Sun coming up: good. Lightning storm: bad. Things are a little different out here, though. Something can be good, but is it though? Something can be bad, but have you considered this that and the other thing? Maybe when you consider this that and the other thing maybe the thing you thought was bad is actually good and that good thing you’ve been talking about is actually a total fucking disaster. It’s confusing. But recently you’ve been heading out into this uncertainty and you’ve been saying “Hey. This is wrong and this is right and shut up about it.” And I’ve appreciated that. It’s understandable, like the sunrise and lightning storms.
GLORIA
It doesn’t feel that way.
SHEL
Hey, come here. Get off the parking lot and put your feet on the dirt.
GLORIA
Why?
SHEL
Just do it.
GLORIA
Okay. What?
SHEL
It’s a shame they don’t have farms on this planet. The soil here is amazing. You can’t feel it but I can. All kinds of weird bacteria, complex nutrients, and don’t even get me started on the mycelial network.
GLORIA
The what?
SHEL
Mushrooms. You like mushrooms, right?
GLORIA
Sure.
SHEL
The mushroom is just the visible part. Under a mushroom is a network of fungus strands that can run for miles, colonies of fungus all talking to each other. When I stand here they talk to me, too.
GLORIA
What’s it saying?
SHEL
I mean, not with words, it’s not talking fungus, I mean… I can feel the whole planet. And under the ground, underneath all the complexity and confusion and anger… something is working, and it’s working perfectly.
GLORIA
I wish I could feel that like you can.
SHEL
The soil is just begging to have things planted in it. I wonder how it got that way?
GLORIA
I guess from the people here not using it.
SHEL
No, it’s more than that. At first I thought it was volcanoes. Volcanoes make for great soil, but nothing this complicated. It’s… oh wait…
SFX: THE CALL OF A HUGE ANIMAL.
SHEL (CONT’D)
Megafauna.
SFX: HEAVY FOOTSTEPS OF THE JUHREEK.
GLORIA
Whoa. Who is that?
SHEL
THAT’s where the soil is coming from.
GLORIA
From this thing?
SHEL
This must be a Juhreek. It’s the sacred animal of Milinov. People come from other planets to eat at the restaurants, go to whatever a spa is and watch huge herds of Juhreek run by.
GLORIA
Huge herds.
SHEL
Yeah. There’s some sort of story about how the Juhreek are the spirits of their ancestors or something.
GLORIA
How many are there?
SHEL
I don’t know. They’re all over the planet, though. Nothing makes great soil like a big dumb animal crapping everywhere.
GLORIA
Really?
SHEL
They’re pretty adorable, huh?
GLORIA
They’re something. Good job, Shel.
SHEL
Good job at what?
DRONE
Would you like to reply?
GLORIA
Yes.
DRONE
Begin message.
GLORIA
Oh, hi, Ted Empire. This is Gloria. Word of advice, when you want to let someone know that what they’re doing is insignificant, don’t go out of your way to let them know they’re insignificant, don’t send them a “just to let you know, I’m totally over you” message. You’re kind of showing your whole Ass on that one, were you drunk when you sent this? It is pretty adorable that you’re trying to intimidate me. But honestly, between the sexists, the racists, shitty tippers, and the guys screaming “go back to your country” from their car, to me, you’re just the next asshole. See you soon!
DRONE
Thank you for using TedMessage.
SFX: DRONE FLYING AWAY.
SFX: SOUNDS OF THE CROWD FADES OUT. SOUND OF THE OCCASIONAL SPOT WELDING.
AVA
Look, I don’t like riffing. I like long and drawn out equations. I mean, I know the word “theoretical” is the first part of theoretical physicist and that implies I’m going to look for animal shapes in the clouds or whatever but I’ve always been more partial to the “physicist” part of theoretical physicist than the “theoretical” part… Leif?
LEIF
What?
AVA
I feel like I don’t have your attention and I hate that.
LEIF
I’m listening. I can do two things at once.
AVA
Okay… so as you know, I am an unraveler of mysteries.
LEIF
Oh yeah? What is the diner and how does it work?
AVA
… Don’t sass me.
LEIF
Sorry, you’re an unraveler of mysteries.
AVA
Yes. Not the least of those mysteries is of course, your friends and mine, Effie and Zebulon Mucklewain.
ZEBULON
It’s awfully nice up here.
AVA
People can’t just talk out of a box, and there’s no such thing as a question without an answer so, then, what the fuck?
LEIF
Ok.
AVA
So, I have several theories but there is one particular theory that is currently sitting on my lap and I am stroking lovingly.
LEIF
Great.
AVA
I still feel like I don’t have your attention.
LEIF
You have my attention.
EFFIE
Leif, stop messing with things.
LEIF
Is this really the most important thing right now?
ZEBULON
We have told him how important this day is, have we not, dear?
EFFIE
We have, dear. I certainly hope Leif was paying attention when we explained this, other wise I would have to be very disappointed in him.
LEIF
The people on this planet are starving, we don’t have any food and the Teds are coming, you want to talk about theoretical physics?
ZEBULON
We would like to talk about an important day, Leif. There will be a great message delivered and Ava, though we don’t understand her particular divinations, has said she would like to help.
EFFIE
Which is a miracle all on its own.
LEIF
I’m not getting out of this, am I?
EFFIE
You are not.
LEIF
Okay. You were saying?
AVA
Consciousness needs a complicated arrangement of atoms, right?
LEIF
I guess.
AVA
But over my shoulder are a couple of conscious minds with no atoms.
LEIF
Yeah.
AVA
So hear me out, what if, instead of a complicated arrangement of atoms, it’s a complicated arrangement of waves.
LEIF
What are you saying?
AVA
A microwave. You put your frozen burrito in the microwave but you only have microwaves coming from one direction, what happens?
LEIF
Nothing.
AVA
Right, but multiple microwave emissions from multiple points, all crossing each other at the point of your burrito and what do you get?
LEIF
Lunch.
AVA
Exactly.
LEIF
You’re saying that Effie and Zebulon’s consciousness is a hot burrito.
AVA
Yes. Except the product of the arrangement of waves is not a hot burrito, but in fact a conscious mind.
LEIF
That’s insane.
AVA
I know! Mad scientist Thundercrash!
LEIF
I thought you told me they were… I feel uncomfortable talking about this in front of them.
AVA
They don’t understand what we’re talking about.
ZEBULON
It’s true, Leif, it’s all gobbledegook to us.
AVA
See?
LEIF
I thought you told me their consciousness was fabricated by some sort of unknown entity.
AVA
I never said fabricated.
LEIF
Effie and Zebulon Mucklewain were real people. They lived in Arkansas in 1925 and that’s not them.
AVA
Well, by that logic everyone’s fabricated. You were fabricated by the 3D printer in your mothers womb. The ink in the printer was the genetic information from your mother and your father. I’m assuming you’re more than your genetic makeup.
LEIF
Yes.
AVA
Effie and Zebulon were created based on two real people, but that’s just where they started.
LEIF
You can’t just create a consciousness based on two people.
AVA
Tell that to your mother, that’s what she did.
LEIF
Okay, forget I asked, at what point am I building something?
AVA
I don’t need you to build something. I just need an analysis of this planet’s radio frequency traffic.
LEIF
Why?
AVA
There’s some sort of relationship between the Mucklewains and waves. If they’re made of wave forms then they can kind of y’know, “speak wave form”.
LEIF
You’re the only theorist I’ve ever met who says things like “kind of, y’know”.
AVA
It’s going to work, Leif.
LEIF
What’s going to work?
AVA
This planet’s an advanced civilization, they probably have communication satellites right?
LEIF
I guess.
AVA
If we can get the Mucklewains to grab the right signal, we can broadcast to the entire planet.
LEIF
What for?
AVA
Because there’s going to be a sermon, dude.
LEIF
You don’t care about the sermon you just want to mess around with your toys.
AVA
What difference does it make?
EFFIE
Leif, this is the most disagreeable I’ve ever seen you, who put the snakes in your pants?
LEIF
I don’t have snakes in my pants, I just don’t understand why we’re thinking about this right now.
EFFIE
Because it’s an important day, Leif.
LEIF
You’re right, it is an important day, it’s the day we get caught by the Teds and thrown in deep cold storage, do you want me to tell you about deep cold storage!
EFFIE
Do not raise your voice to me, young man!
LEIF
…
EFFIE
Leif. The reason why you’ve been hemming and hawing for the past weeks is not because Gloria is doing the wrong thing but because she’s doing the right thing and we all know it. And that stings a bit for you, Leif, because the right thing that she’s doing is the thing you should’ve done a long time ago. These oppressors who have been chasing us, they’re no strangers to you, Leif, but you chose not to oppose them and instead retreated into childish mayhem. But now we see Gloria, ill-equipped though she may be, standing against them as you should have.
ZEBULON
Leif, we understand that to look back and feel that another path should’ve been taken can be a harsh view to digest.
EFFIE
You may not approve of Gloria’s actions, but can you hardly blame her? She has faced down evil and prayed for mighty assistance, as we all should.
LEIF
Even if it’s pointless? Even if you suffer and it changes nothing?
EFFIE
Yes, Leif. Even if that. Who do you think you’re talking to?
LEIF
Sorry, guys. I wish I could go with you on that. Purity in the face of certain doom is appealing, I guess, but it’s not me. I spent the majority of my life with certain death right outside the airlock, I survive things. I’ve never really cared much how I survive them.
EFFIE
Well you went and messed that up when you got yourself some friends, Leif.
ZEBULON
One cannot be a creature of simple survival and a creature with loved ones. For when you care for another you take on their dangers and complications.
EFFIE
It’s dangerous to care for another, Leif. But it’s always worth the trade off, and the reason you’re so upset is because you know I’m right.
LEIF
… Fuck.
SFX: SEVERAL RADIO FREQUENCIES AT ONCE.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Looks like there’s all kinds of frequencies, one of them’s got to be a global network of some kind.
AVA
Pick the strongest one, the one without any interference.
SFX: SINGLE SIGNAL ISOLATED.
LEIF
How about this one? It sounds like a data stream.
AVA
Okay, cool. Hey guys, do you hear that sound?
EFFIE
We do.
ZEBULON
It’s a very unpleasant sound.
AVA
I know. It’s super annoying, so… how about you stop it?
ZEBULON
Stop it?
EFFIE
Stop it how?
SFX: SIGNAL STOPS.
AVA
Like that.
LEIF
Oh, shit.
AVA
Say something, guys.
EFFIE
(Speaking from two places at once.)
What are we meant to say? Oh!
LEIF
They took over the signal.
AVA
I love it!
ZEBULON
What does this mean, Ava?
AVA
It means, what it usually means, that I’m a genius!
LEIF
They’re talking to the whole planet right now, what the hell?
AVA
Guys, introduce yourselves to the whole planet.
ZEBULON
Oh my, well, hello to everyone on this planet. I’m Zebulon Mucklewain here with my wife, Effie.
EFFIE
Hi, y’all.
AVA
You want to give a sermon? How’s this for spreading the word?
ZEBULON
Ava, this is quite something, but we mentioned before we would not be the ones to give the sermon today, that would be by someone yet to be named.
AVA
Thats step two, check it out…
AVA (CONT’D)
(Speaking in two places at once.)
Ahem. Testing one, two, three. Hey there cats and kittens, this is Ava coming to you live. Sit back and relax while I recite the first twenty thousand digits of Pi from memory.
LEIF
That worked! They’re a live mic, holy shit.
AVA
Be sure and stay on this channel, folks. Later today will be some sort of sermon by some such person, we don’t know who yet. Frankly I don’t care who it is, I was only trying to get this far for the sake of a physics thought experiment I was playing out in my head, you know how it is.
GLORIA
(From down on the ground.)
Leif!
Leif
Gloria? What’s up?
GLORIA
Give me the gun.
SFX: A LARGE CROWD HAS GATHERED OUTSIDE THE DINER. THE OCCASIONAL BELLOW OF THE JUHREEK.
SHEL
Okay, looks like the crowd is finally getting used to me. Nothing like desperation to make you set aside your prejudice, am I right?
GLORIA
Are they all here?
SHEL
Yeah, everyone who was standing in line is gathered in the parking lot.
GLORIA
Okay, good job. Get into the crowd and when I start talking, you translate as much as you can.
SHEL
Okay.
LEIF
Here it is, one homemade particle accelerator.
GLORIA
Does this work the way I think it does?
LEIF
Pretty much. Have you ever shot a gun before?
GLORIA
No, but I was really good at Buck Hunt.
LEIF
That’ll work. Remember you’ve only got one shot, so make it count. And don’t forget, Effie and Zebulon are a live global microphone now, so you’re talking to the whole planet.
AVA
What’s the plan here? You know what? Never mind, I want to be surprised. Also, what’s up with the big dumb animal, are we doing pony rides?
ZEBULON
Well, let us see here, throngs gathered for a speech.
EFFIE
Mm hmm.
ZEBULON
A lovely day, a time of need.
EFFIE
We continue to be right about many things and they continue to doubt us, dear.
ZEBULON
Not unlike the apostles, if you don’t mind me saying.
EFFIE
I don’t mind one bit. I’m going to be writing down a notion or two.
ZEBULON
The Book of Mucklewain.
EFFIE
My, that has a nice ring to it, dear.
GLORIA
Here goes nothing… Everyone! Everyone, listen up. My name’s Gloria and I’m the manager of Midnight Burger.
SFX: APPLAUSE IN THE CROWD.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
As you may have heard, we have run out of food.
SFX: DISAPPOINTMENT IN THE CROWD.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
I know. We’re sorry, there’s just too many of you to feed. We’re good, but we’re not that good… Sometimes things get hard. And when things get hard, the choices you have to make get even harder. I apologize for the choice you’re all going to have to make. Shel?
SHEL
(From in the crowd.)
Yeah?
GLORIA
Don't look.
SHEL
Oh, boy.
SFX: PARTICLE ACCELERATOR POWERS UP AND FIRES. THE JUHREEK HOWLS AND DROPS TO THE GROUND WITH A MASSIVE THUD. THE CROWD IS VERY UPSET.
AVA
Holy Earnest Hemingway.
LEIF
Oh, they are not happy.
AVA
So that’s a no on pony rides, then.
GLORIA
Everyone, listen to me. Listen!
SFX: CROWD QUIETS DOWN.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
I’m told you believe these animals are the spirits of your ancestors.
If that’s true, would your ancestors want to watch you starve? This planet made a choice to change things. Decisions like that are followed by even harder decisions. This is your next one. You may not like it, it may feel wrong, but if you come back four hours from now, everybody eats. It’s up to you. Talk amongst yourselves.
AVA
Maybe we shouldn’t have broadcast that to the entire planet.
LEIF
I think they’d rather eat us at this point.
SFX: KNIFE BEING QUICKLY SHARPENED.
GLORIA
It was my decision guys. You don’t have to own it, okay?
ZEBULON
We stand with you, Gloria.
AVA
It’s super gross, but I have no choice but to support a decision this hardcore.
SHEL
Hey guys, really looking forward to suppressing all my memories of this day.
GLORIA
We’re switching over to buffet service. You guys go inside and set up some steamer trays. Effie and Zeb stay with me.
AVA
Come on Shel, let’s go inside and act like we’re helping.
SHEL
Okay.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
EFFIE
Somebody had to do it.
GLORIA
Did I? I don’t even know if this thing is edible.
ZEBULON
There is only one way to find out, Gloria.
GLORIA
Right. Here we go.
SFX: THE REALLY HORRIBLE SOUND OF GLORIA OPENING UP THE BODY CAVITY OF THE JUHREEK.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
Oh yeah. All sorts of smells.
ZEBULON
You’re quite skilled at dispatching this beast, Gloria.
GLORIA
Thanks… my… Yayo taught me… of course that was a… goat… not something the size of a… Lincoln Towncar.
EFFIE
One more inch and the insides are gonna be on the outside.
GLORIA
Yeah… here they… come…
SFX: THE EVEN WORSE SOUND OF THE INSIDES OF THE JUHREEK SPILLING ONTO THE GROUND.
ZEBULON
Well now. That’s all not so foreign is it?
EFFIE
No, you’ve got the usual insides. Two livers though.
ZEBULON
Yes, there’s not enough onions in all of Georgia to fry up all those livers.
GLORIA
Okay, this is what we’re working with. Let me talk to Effie and Zebulon the pig farmers for a second.
EFFIE
We’re right here.
GLORIA
What do we think of this guy?
EFFIE
Well, I’ll tell you right now I’m having some impure thoughts about those haunches and those shoulders.
ZEBULON
You’re forgiven.
EFFIE
But you’d need at least a day and a night to get those to taste like something.
ZEBULON
And time is of the essence.
EFFIE
Gloria, what’s that thing you do when you grill it and slice it?
GLORIA
Carne Asada?
EFFIE
That’s it.
GLORIA
Not a bad idea. I can cook it fast, I just need to be able to butcher it fast enough. But first, I am going to get upwind of this thing because WOW that’s a stink.
ZEBULON
You could feed a whole congregation with this one animal, couldn’t you dear?
EFFIE
Indeed. All I’m doing right now is thinking about the sausage.
ZEBULON
Oh yes, lovely sausage.
GLORIA
I could put the whole head in a smoker and really get weird with it.
EFFIE
It’s a blessing, this animal. You’ve truly discovered something here, Gloria.
GLORIA
This is nice. I never get to talk about this stuff, it’s always Leif and Ava arguing about quarks or whatever…
SFX: GLORIA LAUGHING.
EFFIE
What’s funny?
GLORIA
Oh, I don’t know. I’m on an alien planet. There’s three moons in the sky. And I’m here just trying to feed as many people as I can. It’s all the same stuff in the end, isn’t it?
ZEBULON
Yes. We’re far afield from our home and yet no matter how far our journey, it’s all still surprisingly human, isn’t it?
LEIF
Hey Gloria, I wanted to- Hooooooo, God that’s disgusting!
GLORIA
What’d you think would happen, Leif? A bunch of perfect round patties we’re going to spill out?
LEIF
No, no, I understand. That’s just a lot of insides on the outside, is all.
GLORIA
What do you need?
LEIF
Nothing I just… We keep arguing and I keep apologizing and I wanted to apologize again and say that the arguing is going to stop. Maybe not the apologizing but definitely the arguing.
GLORIA
Okay.
LEIF
The Teds scare the shit out of me. I hate to admit it. And here you are, a cook from Arizona, and they’re scared of you. It’s amazing. And if you can figure out how to cook this thing, and pull another shift out of the fire. Legendary stuff, Gloria.
GLORIA
Thanks, Leif.
LEIF
So to apologize, I brought you this laser-saw.
SFX: THE DEAFENING SOUND OF THE LASER-SAW.
LEIF (CONT’D)
(Shouting over the sound of the laser-saw.)
I NEVER REALLY HAD A USE FOR IT, BUT IT LOOKED TOO AWESOME FOR ME TO THROW AWAY. IT SHOULD CUT THROUGH THE BONE REALLY EASILY!
SFX: LASER-SAW SHUTS OFF.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Anyway, just pull the trigger and start cutting.
GLORIA
Thanks, Leif. How are we looking in there?
LEIF
We’re ready to fuck em up.
GLORIA
Okay. Everybody eats.
SFX: LASER-SAW FIRING UP AND THEN FADING OUT.
SONG: THE VALLEY OF PEACE BY THE METROPOLITAN QUARTET.
SFX: A RUMBLING CROWD.
ZEBULON
And that was The Metropolitan Quartet with The Valley of Peace. Effie, I have to say it has been a pleasure these last few hours sharing our words and music with this world entire.
EFFIE
It’s a lovely place they have here, Husband, it’s been so moving to see them fight for it so hard.
ZEBULON
Now, if you’ve been listening in around the world, you know that we’ve all been waiting for Gloria to unveil the wonderful repast she’s been preparing.
EFFIE
Before we do that, Husband. I feel that there may be many in this land who feel reticence in turning these sacred beasts into sustenance.
ZEBULON
Of course. And such a feeling is understandable. I wont pretend to understand the importance of these creatures to the people of this land, but I can tell you this. You see these herds of animals that roam the hills and valleys as the spirits of your ancestors.
And I can tell you that if it were me, and I were a soul who had passed into the beyond, I would consider it a privilege to be able to make one last sacrifice for those I had left behind.
EFFIE
As would I, dear. But all of you listening at home, we can’t make this decision for you. All we can do is show you a way forward, and hope that the decisions you make can feel right in the eyes of your God. Or gods. Or however y’all do it here.
LEIF
It looks fantastic.
GLORIA
Thanks, Leif.
AVA
Would it be rude to eat before all the starving people?
GLORIA
Yes, Ava.
AVA
Bummer.
SHEL
Guys, thanks so much for not making me touch any of this stuff. I’m sure it’s an accomplishment but it looks pretty gross.
LEIF
Vegans, am I right?
SHEL
What’s a vegan?
AVA
Your worst nightmare, Shel.
GLORIA
None of them are eating it yet. What are they waiting for?
AVA
Maybe one of us should kick it off?
GLORIA
What did I just say?
ZEBULON
Gloria, perhaps they need a bit more convincing. Perhaps someone should stand before them, make a bit of a speech, convince them there is nothing to fear?
GLORIA
You mean like a sermon?
ZEBULON
I did not say sermon, did you say sermon, dear?
EFFIE
I did not say sermon, dear. I don’t even know what you mean by that.
GLORIA
Fine, who’s doing it?
AVA
All you.
LEIF
I’m not doing it.
GLORIA
Why is it me?
LEIF
Cause you’re the boss.
GLORIA
Fine. Fine, okay. Shel, get into the crowd and start translating.
SHEL
Here I go.
GLORIA
Everyone. Everyone, can I have your attention? I know this is a strange day for you, I appreciate you showing up at all… So… On my home planet there’s this thing called Top Ramen. It’s dried noodles and a packet of flavoring. It’s not very good for you but it’s food. And you can get them for 50 cents each. That’s not a lot where I’m from. I never ate it all that much myself, but it was always nice knowing it was there. You knew you were never going to starve because of a cheap package of dried noodles always waiting for you at any store. It’s nice.
What a lot of people don’t know is that the reason why there’s dirt cheap noodles at any store, is because one day, a long time ago, two nuclear bombs were detonated on an island called Japan. Thousands of people died in an instant, and in the aftermath thousands more were going to die of sickness and starvation. But one man had an idea to send bricks of dried noodles with a packet of flavoring to anyone who was hungry. They knew they weren’t going to starve. On the island of Jamaica they cook chicken in a way that doesn’t make any smoke. They do that because a long time ago, they were slaves, and the smoke would’ve alerted slavers and they would then be running for their lives. Zebulon, why do Jewish people eat unleavened bread?
ZEBULON
Because they too were slaves. When word came from Moses that it was time to flee captivity in the night, they had no time to wait for their bread to rise. So to this day, the flat bread is a reminder of that flight from their oppressor.
GLORIA
For me, when I cook with corn, beans, and squash, it’s called the tres hermanas. The same way my ancestors cooked thousands of years ago. My ancestors who were nearly wiped out by foreign invaders… Show me your plate, and I’ll tell you a sad, sad story. Your sad story begins today. The day you had to turn to the spirits of your ancestors to keep you alive while you were just trying to do the right thing, and leave a better life for your children. I can’t make you eat this food. It’s your story, not mine. So Zebulon’s going to say a prayer, and then you’re all going to make a choice. It’s up to you.
ZEBULON
Bless us, O Lord. Bless our food and our drink. Since you redeemed us so dearly and delivered us from evil, as you gave us a share in this food so may you give us a share in eternal life.
GLORIA
Aaaaaand now we wait.
LEIF
You couldn’t have made it more plain. You literally served it to them on a platter.
SHEL
Hey, Gloria, that was a great speech.
GLORIA
Thanks, Shel.
SHEL
So eating isn’t just a gross thing you do with your face, it’s also a story.
GLORIA
It is, absolutely.
SHEL
Okay. I still don’t feel like I’m missing out but I get it now.
GLORIA
Good.
AVA
NOW can I eat the big animal?
LEIF
You’re going to have to get in line, check it out.
GLORIA
They’re eating.
LEIF
You did it.
SHEL
It worked.
AVA
Yeah, I’m not standing in that line.
GLORIA
Holy shit. It fucking worked!
LEIF
Goddamn. Eat shit, Ted Empire.
GLORIA
They’re going to be okay.
LEIF
Guys, I want to apologize. I was kind of a dick today but I’ve worked all of it out of my system.
AVA
I would also like to apologize for nothing. It was a banner day for me and I performed perfectly. Here’s to me.
EFFIE
Zebulon.
ZEBULON
What is it, Dear?
EFFIE
We’re too late.
SHEL
What’s that in the sky?
GLORIA
Where?
SHEL
Up there.
GLORIA
Maybe it’s just some planes or something?
AVA
Three planes heading right for us?
LEIF
Shit.
GLORIA
Leif, what are they?
LEIF
I’m sorry guys. They found us.
SFX: THREE TED BOTS CRASH DOWN INTO THE PARKING LOT. THE CROWD BEGINS SCREAMING AND RUNNING FOR COVER.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Everybody inside! Move!
TED BOT
Staff of Midnight Burger. Do not move.
GLORIA
Who’s got Effie and Zebulon?
SHEL
I’ve got them!
TED BOT
We will fire. Do not move.
AVA
Hurry up!
SFX: THE BOTS BEGIN FIRING. DOOR CHIME. NOISE FROM THE CROWD FADES TO THE BACKGROUND.
GLORIA
How long until we jump?
LEIF
Too long.
GLORIA
So this is it, huh?
LEIF
… Yeah… Yeah, this is it, guys. I’m sorry.
GLORIA
Okay.
SHEL
What does that mean?
GLORIA
Okay, Shel, listen to me. I’m going to need you to get out of here, okay?
SHEL
What? What are you talking about?
GLORIA
They’re not looking for you, they’re looking for us.
AVA
They’re not coming in.
GLORIA
You said yourself, the soil is great here. And you speak the language.
LEIF
They’ll come in.
SHEL
I’m not leaving you guys.
TED BOT
Spatial anomaly detected.
GLORIA
You have to.
LEIF
What did it say?
EFFIE
Shel, Gloria is right. You need to get gone before it’s too late.
ZEBULON
We’ll be fine, Shel.
AVA
Spatial anomaly detected.
LEIF
That can’t be us, it’s too early.
GLORIA
You need to stay alive for your people, remember?
SHEL
Is that what’s going to happen, they’re going to kill you?
LEIF
Hang on. Something’s happening.
EFFIE
Dear, I feel very strange.
AVA
I see it. There.
LEIF
What the fuck is that?
GLORIA
Is it coming towards us?
AVA
Leif, Valdimir’s tape recorder, do we still have it?
LEIF
What? Why?
AVA
Do we have it!?
LEIF
It’s behind the counter. What for?
EFFIE
Oh this is a very strange feeling.
GLORIA
It’s definitely coming towards us.
SHEL
What is that thing?
AVA
Everybody come here. Leif grab the radio. Everybody hang onto each other.
GLORIA
Ava, what’s happening?
AVA
Don’t let go of each other.
GLORIA
Do you have a plan?
AVA
I don’t have a plan… somebody else does.
SFX: THE SPATIAL ANOMALY RUSHES TOWARD THE DINER. SILENCE.
END