Chapter 14: Gardening at Night
SFX: ANNOYING MUSIC.
VOICE
Interplanetary travel. Enjoyed by so many across The Triad, and made possible only by the hard work and constant innovation of The Ted Empire. With our Ted Tubes, we are able to connect all citizens of the three galaxies for trade, tourism, or to start a new life somewhere out there among the stars. But sometimes with new innovations, comes new problems, and with those problems, new responsibilities.
One of those problems is piracy. Did you know that over 1300 ships per Ted-cycle find themselves the victim of piracy? Though the Ted Empire works day and night to ensure the safety of the Ted Tube network, that doesn’t stop piracy from occurring. In this broadcast we’re going to go over the what you need to do if you hear of or are currently experiencing an act of piracy. Let’s start at the beginning. First, what is piracy?
SFX: STATIC AND BUZZING.
SFX: PIRATE MUSIC.
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen and every other damn thing, live from the Galaxy Brain, it’s the Gladiator of the Galaxies, the Sultan of the Starways, The Invader Zim of the Outer Rim, The Hullabaloo of NGC 6302, iiiiiiiiiiit’s Låfftraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaax!
SFX: APPLAUSE.
LÅFFTRAX
Hello, hello, hello, everyone out there in the great beyond it’s your old pal Låfftrax! Breaking in yet again to talk in your ear about, well, whatever the hell I want!
SFX: LAUGHING.
LÅFFTRAX (CONT’D)
Let’s face it, you didn’t want to listen to another damn message from the damn Teds, did you? No. You know why? Booooring! That’s why! Leave it to the Teds to have control of three galaxies and somehow make it a snooze-fest!
SFX: LAUGHING.
LÅFFTRAX (CONT’D)
You know, Låfftrax can remember a time when there were no Teds. The Galaxy was run by a bunch of kings and warlords! Guys who really knew how to do galactic domination you know? They did it with style. Anybody remember Emperor Bug-Bug of the Iron Quadrant? Damn he knew how to party. That guy had a ship the size of a moon just to hold all of his other ships. The guy had a ship for his ships. And guess what? He never went anywhere. You know why? He was the damn Emperor! Everybody came to him!
SFX: APPLAUSE.
LÅFFTRAX (CONT’D)
Now look at us. Three galaxies dominated by a bunch of bean counters! It’s a disgrace! Where’s the panaché? Where’s the pageantry? Somebody ought to do something!
Oh, what’s that? What’s that you say? Somebody IS doing something? Oh, it’s your old pal Låfftrax? Well thank the cosmos for me, am I right?!
SFX: CHEERING.
LÅFFTRAX
Folks, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Låfftrax, we know the Teds suck, but what can we do about it? They control everything!”
Well if that’s the case, how am I breaking into their broadcast right now? If they control everything how am I saving you from hearing another bullshit public service announcement about what to do when you encounter a pirate?
(CONT’D)
I’ll tell you what to do if you encounter a pirate. Get out your thank you cards! Start writing. Write this: Dear Mr. Pirate, thank you for saving me from a galaxy that has lost all sense of style! Before I met you, life was merely survival. But now that I see you out there, breaking laws and doing all sorts of violence, I’m reminded that the universe is a pageant! That we have but one life! That control is an illusion and we are all just clumps of stardust smashing into each other and then returning to oblivion. Sincerely… and then write your name there.
(CONT’D)
That’s what you do when you encounter a pirate. Pirates are important, folks. They’re necessary. With the rise of every empire, something always rises in its shadow. The black market, the underworld, the Pirates! Thesis… antithesis… synthesis… it’s the way of all things…
(CONT’D)
“But Låfftrax” you say “Låfftrax I can’t thank you for what you do. You too are cruel! You steal, you lie, you wound, you kill. I’m to thank you for the terror you bring to the great cosmic landscape?!”
(CONT’D)
Well, to that I say, look above your head, theoretical person! Atoms disintegrating. Meteors raining. Suns collapsing. Galaxies colliding! Black holes obliterating. All without a care for you or your loved ones.
(CONT’D)
Look up! Look up into the swirling gyre and ask yourself, “Should I not mimic that which bore me?! Or should I be a good citizen of the Ted Empire, attend some shitty job as a customer service rep or whatever, and wait for death to take me?”
(CONT’D)
Only stardust colliding folks. Everything else is play-acting.
They don’t hate me for the violence, they don’t hate me for the looting, they hate me because of what I’m a reminder of. A reminder that our lives are nothing but a sandcastle on a beach, with the tides fast approaching.
(CONT’D)
… You know, speaking of chaos and uncertainty, I’m going to be honest. I can’t remember why I broke into this broadcast now. The spirit moved me. Anybody remember?
(CONT’D)
Ah yes… Yes, I have it now… Strange things are afoot in The Triad my friends, strange things. The Teds are cracking down like never before, and with Midnight Burger zipping around our little corner of the universe, I have it on very good authority that an old friend is back in town. An old friend that I thought was gone for good. And I’m desperate to speak with him folks, DESPERATE. We have a lot of catching up to do.
(CONT’D)
He’s an Earthling… His name is Leif… And if you can lead me to him I can promise you a new world awaits. A world where you are cruising through the stairways guzzling FREEDOM! And it can all be brought to you by Låffrax.
My friends, before I return you to your previously scheduled boredom, let me reiterate my previous point: If you see a pirate, thank a pirate. Embrace them. Give them your valuables and perhaps a few of your children. In the end, it’s only the pirates who are doing it right…
SONG: TENNESSEE MOON - HEIDELBERG QUINTETTE
ZEBULON
My Dear, Gloria appears to be pondering over that cube again.
EFFIE
She is, Dear. As if there were some sort of prize within it’s tiny frame.
ZEBULON
What do we suppose is inside?
EFFIE
A key perhaps?
ZEBULON
Perhaps little candies.
EFFIE
Let’s ponder it with her.
ZEBULON
Yes.
GLORIA …
EFFIE
…
ZEBULON …
GLORIA
Guys. Stop, there’s nothing inside it, I’m just thinking.
ZEBULON
Sorry to disturb.
LEIF
Okay, I went up on the roof, tried to get a good look around. I think the planet’s uninhabited.
GLORIA
It’s dead.
LEIF
Not just dead. It’s like it’s dying. The trees and shrubs are brown, the whole planet’s brown.
GLORIA
Leif, explain to me again how this thing works.
LEIF
Gloria, we already talked about it, do I have to?
GLORIA
You didn’t tell me you were an engineer, you didn’t tell me you were a criminal, you hid a bomb in the diner, and you put us all in danger so you could get this tiny box-
LEIF
Okay.
GLORIA
You’re kind of down in the polls right now, Leif. You want to bring your numbers up?
LEIF
Okay, again… The genius of The Ted Empire is that they have no leader. Over the centuries they’ve managed to evolve into an entire society of middle management. Everything is done by committee and the one who’s really in charge is the rules themselves.
GLORIA
Why is that genius?
LEIF
Because you can’t assassinate a rulebook. The only thing that gets assassinated is personal responsibility. See it all goes back to-
GLORIA
Skip to the end.
LEIF
Okay. If I plug this into any Ted mainframe, in a matter of days everything stops.
GLORIA
Everything?
LEIF
The entire Ted Empire grinds to a halt.
GLORIA
How?
LEIF
It creates a memo. And that memo’s job is just to create another memo. And another and another and another. Each memo erodes these things called linear classifiers. A linear classifier is how a computer tells the difference between one set of data and another. In a few days this thing rips through the Ted Empire and the code that runs their empire turns into alphabet soup.
GLORIA
It’s that easy?
LEIF
In the end, every empire screws itself, it’s never an outside invader. This code’s really simple. So simple that they don’t even look for it anymore. Imagine a master thief trying to break into your house. They know how to hack your complicated security system, but would have no idea how to get past a moat full of alligators because nobody looks for those anymore.
GLORIA
Empire. How big is this empire?
LEIF
That’s another genius thing. The Teds don’t control any territory other than their home planet, but they control everything.
GLORIA
How?
LEIF
It started about 250 years ago. They started building these Ted Tubes, warp gates that could take you from one side of a galaxy to another instantly. And they just kept building them. They used that to leverage control over everything else. Fast forward 250 years and there’s very few parts of your life that don’t involve the Ted Empire.
GLORIA
That’s all it took?
LEIF
Remember when Amazon was a bookstore?
GLORIA
I don’t understand, if the Teds are so bad, why didn’t you just use this thing back when you made it?
LEIF
I tried to explain this to you-
GLORIA
Explain it again.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
AVA
Hi. What are you guys talking about?
GLORIA
Nothing.
AVA
Okay. Something weird’s going on outside, I need my pencil.
LEIF
Why?
AVA
Because I’m going to figure out what’s going on.
GLORIA
With a pencil?
AVA
You know how many problems have been solved with pencils? I’m taking the radio too, c’mon guys.
EFFIE
Well alright, just remember what happened yesterday when we tagged along.
AVA
You’ll be fine. Leif come out here.
LEIF
I’ll be right there.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Why are we not telling Ava about this?
GLORIA
Because Ava is a friggin’ chaos wizard who’ll want to use a doomsday device just to see what happens.
LEIF
Okay, I just want to say, I kept it a secret but now you’re keeping it a secret and that feels like a double-
GLORIA
Oh don’t even start with that shit. Let’s go outside and see what she’s talking about.
LEIF
Okay.
SFX: DOOR CHIME. SOUNDS OF AN ALIEN PLANET.
GLORIA
Jeez, look at this place. Dead trees everywhere, the plants are dead, what happened?
LEIF
What’s going on?
AVA
I’m looking at the sun.
LEIF
Okay.
AVA
I shouldn’t be able to look at the sun but I’m looking at the sun.
GLORIA
Weird, I’m looking at it, too.
LEIF
Is it an eclipse?
AVA
No, because watch this…
GLORIA
Oh, it’s bright again.
AVA
And now we can’t look at the sun but then wait for another second…
LEIF
It’s dark again.
AVA
Not a cloud in the sky so it’s not the weather, and there’s no pattern to it. It fluctuates randomly.
EFFIE
It’s acting like some kind of a light bulb that needs changing.
ZEBULON
Ava, is it possible for a sun to be like a light bulb, for it to need changing?
AVA
Yes, but when they need changing they explode and obliterate everything for billions of kilometers.
ZEBULON
I see.
AVA
And then collapse into a black hole.
ZEBULON
I think a simple yes or no would do.
EFFIE
Ava, I know you are regarding this strange land as a simple curiosity but I’m feeling a certain way about it.
GLORIA
What’s going on, Effie?
EFFIE
There is a sadness here. One that overwhelms. As though we’ve caught the story at its end.
GLORIA
Well the sun’s acting weird and the planet’s dying, I’m assuming the two are related.
LEIF
They’re definitely related but…
AVA
This just isn’t how planets die in the universe.
LEIF
Something else is going on.
EFFIE
Oh my… something approaches!
SFX: STRANGE ALIEN SOUNDS.
LEIF
Oh boy.
AVA
Weird shit alert.
GLORIA
There, in the bushes. What is that?
LEIF
I don’t see it.
GLORIA
Oh, it’s not in the bushes, it is the bushes.
SFX: WET FOOTSTEPS.
AVA
Bushes don’t walk, you guys.
LEIF
This one’s walking.
GLORIA
It’s a plant person?
LEIF
Everybody keep your distance.
AVA
It’s kind of adorable.
LEIF
Yeah, it’s real adorable and then it spits poison at you.
EFFIE
Fear not, y’all. This creature that smells vaguely of petunia means us no harm.
ZEBULON
It appears frightened, as though a sheep that’s lost its flock.
LEIF
Who’s on the rotation for first contact?
GLORIA
It’s me… Hey. Hey there. Hi. I’m Gloria. You… look like a plant to me. I want you to know… we’re cool with that.
AVA
Maybe it’s one of Leif’s illegitimate children?
LEIF
Okay, the jokes are old now.
AVA
Oh, they’re so young, Leif. As young as all your illegitimate children spread across the multiverse.
GLORIA
Shut up, you two.
SFX: CREATURE SQUEALS AND FALLS TO THE GROUND.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
Oh, shit.
LEIF
Are you happy? You killed it with your jokes.
AVA
Wouldn’t be the first time.
GLORIA
Goddamnit. I knew I shouldn’t have made first contact, I always kill plants.
EFFIE
Take heart, Gloria. This creature has not expired, though they do seem to be in great distress.
LEIF
Doesn’t surprise me. It’s a plant. Look at the sun on this planet, I’m surprised it’s not dead just like everything else here.
GLORIA
But it’s not dead, it’s alive, which means… we have a customer. And our customer is dying. Shit. Okay… it’s a plant. Plants need dirt and sunlight. It’s got plenty of dirt around here so it needs sun. How do we make a sun?
AVA
Well, it’s a very complicated-
GLORIA
Don’t.
LEIF
The heat lamps.
GLORIA
Seriously?
LEIF
Sure, why not?
GLORIA
The heat lamps keep food warm, they’re going to bring an alien back to life?
LEIF
I think so, Ava?
AVA
Sure. I mean, you’d need a fuller spectrum for long term growth but if you want cheap and dirty light energy that could be the way to go.
GLORIA
Okay, Leif bring it inside and put it under the heat lamps. Ava, what do you need to figure out what’s wrong with the sun?
AVA
I’ve got a pencil, paper, and a radio. It’s all a girl needs.
SFX: LEAVES RUSTLING.
LEIF
Okay, I’ve got it. This thing is so weird.
GLORIA
Get it inside.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
LEIF
Okay, clear off the counter for me.
GLORIA
Okay. Do you really think this is going to work?
LEIF
Well, like most things we do, there’s not much of a choice.
SFX: ALIEN BEING SET DOWN ON COUNTER. HEAT LAMPS BEING SWITCHED ON.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Okay, let’s give it some time under these lamps and hope for the best.
SFX: SPRAY BOTTLE SPRAYING.
LEIF (CONT’D)
What are you doing?
GLORIA
Spraying it with water.
LEIF
Why?
GLORIA
I don’t know. I see people doing this to their plants sometimes.
LEIF
Sure, why not?
GLORIA
So if everything on this planet is dead how is this thing still alive?
LEIF
I guess it got lucky, though that’s a weird word to use. It would definitely be dead if it weren’t for us. You ever been to Carlsbad?
GLORIA
What? No.
LEIF
When you take the tour of the caverns they bring you to this fern. It’s deep in the caverns away from any sunlight. They say a seed may have hitched a ride on one of the bats that lived there. Somehow it managed to grow hundreds of meters from where it’s supposed to. Maybe our friend here is a cavern fern- Oh shit!
GLORIA
What?
LEIF
Of course. Leif you idiot. Hang on.
GLORIA
What’s happening now?
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
LEIF
It’s a Dyson Sphere.
AVA
What?
LEIF
The sun. It’s a Dyson Sphere.
AVA
No it’s not.
LEIF
It is.
AVA
That’s a nerd thing.
LEIF
It’s a real thing, the Teds use them.
AVA
Shut up.
LEIF
They do it all the time, it’s how they make their warp gates.
AVA
Seriously?
LEIF
You want to make a wormhole, what’s your biggest hurdle?
AVA
A power source.
LEIF
Well then why not harness the sun? Can you think of a bigger power source?
AVA
Well, shit. How’d they solve the stability problem?
LEIF
You need to keep each end of the wormhole constantly interacting and they stabilize themselves.
AVA
Huh. That makes sense.
GLORIA
You know what, plant person? I’m not even going to ask anymore. I’m just going to sit here and spray you. It’s very calming. I think I get plants now.
LEIF
The Teds are killing the planet.
GLORIA
By doing what?
LEIF
Building a structure around the sun and capturing the energy.
GLORIA
But we can still see the sun.
LEIF
I know, they must not be done yet.
SFX: LEAVES RUSTLING.
GLORIA
Oh, shit. Leif it moved. Come here.
LEIF
It did?
GLORIA
Its, I don’t know, leaves rustled?
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
LEIF
Okay, give it some space, it’ll still be a while until it’s up-
PLANT PERSON
PLATFORM JAIL MECHANISM BURN MUSEUM THEORIST… Hold please…
LEIF
Well, your plant care has improved.
GLORIA
How is it talking to us?
LEIF
I don’t know
GLORIA
I’m Gloria. What’s your name?
PLANT PERSON
Names don’t translate well- Wait. There were three of you.
LEIF
Ava is the third one, she’s outside.
PLANT PERSON
Outside?
GLORIA
Yeah.
PLANT PERSON
I feel like when something bad is happening I’m supposed to they this: shit.
LEIF
True.
GLORIA
Where are you going?
PLANT PERSON
Shit, shit, shit.
SFX: SMALL FEET RUNNING FOR THE DOOR.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
PLANT PERSON (CONT’D)
The third one’s gone!
SFX: SMALL FEET RUNNING TO THE KITCHEN.
LEIF
Where’d Ava go? Ava!
GLORIA
The radio’s gone too. Ava?
SFX: POTS AND PANS BEING TOSSED AROUND IN THE KITCHEN.
LEIF
What’s it doing?
GLORIA
Ava?
PLANT PERSON
Listen, I apologize about this in advance. Everything’s going to be okay, I promise.
LEIF
Where’s our friend?
PLANT PERSON
It can’t be helped. Things just follow their biological imperative, right? Imperative, that’s a fun word.
GLORIA
Get out here and tell us what’s happening!
PLANT PERSON
Can I borrow this?
LEIF
Five pounds of hamburger meat?
PLANT PERSON
Sorry, it doesn’t smell me anymore, so I need something that smells, and this, wow, this will do it.
GLORIA
Tell us what’s happening, right now!
SFX: DOOR CHIME. SOUNDS OF THE ALIEN WORLD.
PLANT PERSON
Look, I don’t know who you people are but I feel like you being here is a good thing.
LEIF
Something’s moving.
PLANT PERSON
I could really use a good thing right now, so let’s not read into this too much.
GLORIA
Read into what?
SFX: SOMETHING MASSIVE MOVING INTO THE PARKING LOT.
LEIF
What the fuck is that!?
PLANT PERSON
Let’s try and stay positive!
GLORIA
Look out behind you!
PLANT PERSON
Yeah, I know. Proper nouns aren’t translating really well so all I can call this huge creature behind me is: Huge Carnivorous Plant. We’ll work on names later. I have to go get your friend. They’ll be fine!
LEIF
Go get her?!
PLANT PERSON
This thing is really sweet when it’s not trying to eat you!
SFX: ROAR OF THE GIANT CARNIVOROUS PLANT. HUGE JAWS SNAPPING SHUT.
PLANT PERSON (CONT’D)
(Inside the huge carnivorous plant)
It’s going to be fine!
GLORIA
The big plant ate the little plant.
LEIF
Did the little plant just say that the big plant ate Ava?
GLORIA
Leif. Go make something that can kill a big fucking plant.
LEIF
On it.
SONG: MY CAROLINA HOME, RILEY PUCKETT AND BOB DANIELS
SFX: THE OOZING INNARDS OF THE BIG FUCKING PLANT.
ZEBULON
…In the end, the story of Jonah is one of God’s unwavering love. Jonah, though he ran from God and that path led him into darkness, God continued to love him through his trials and crises, and God’s love became a beacon that guided him through his trials.
EFFIE
And we think of that story now because Jonah’s path led into the belly of a sea-beast and we now find ourselves… here, in the belly of whatever this thing is.
PLANT PERSON
I know it’s disturbing… strange box people… but please trust me, everything’s going to be fine.
EFFIE
Well, we’ll differ to you on such things, but I’m sure you understand our concern.
PLANT PERSON
Just be patient, it’ll all work out. That music sounds really nice.
EFFIE
Yes, it’s one of our favorites.
PLANT PERSON
So, let me go over this again. There was a guy named Jesus.
ZEBULON
Yes.
PLANT PERSON
And he said “Hey, be nice to people. Take care of sick people.”
EFFIE
In a very large nutshell, yes.
PLANT PERSON
And then there was a group of people called the “Romans” who said, “We’re not into that.”
ZEBULON
Yes, in an even bigger nutshell.
EFFIE
Oh, dear. Ava appears to be stirring. Husband we should warn our new friend that when Ava awakes there will be language.
PLANT PERSON
Honestly I only understand you guys half the time anyway so I’m not too worried about it.
EFFIE
When she awakens, it’s best to be direct with her.
AVA
…what the… fuck?
PLANT PERSON
Hi there.
AVA
Jesus fuck shit!!
EFFIE
Did she have to throw the Jesus in there with everything else, Dearest?
ZEBULON
I’ve given up.
AVA
Where the fuck are we?
PLANT PERSON
I’ve been told to be direct so: You’re in the digestive chamber of a gigantic carnivorous plant.
AVA
I’m what?!
PLANT PERSON
But everything’s going to be fine.
AVA
No, it’s not!
PLANT PERSON
For sure, it’s going to be fine, you’ve got to trust me.
AVA
You’re talking.
PLANT PERSON
I am.
AVA
You weren’t talking before.
PLANT PERSON
Long story short: I’m very adaptable.
AVA
Lengthen your story.
PLANT PERSON
I’ve been told to be direct.
AVA
Never mind! How is being inside of a carnivorous thing something to not worry about?
PLANT PERSON
Okay, so this particular creature is an apex predator-
EFFIE
Be direct!
PLANT PERSON
Two reasons 1) Their digestive process is incredibly slow and 2) Me.
AVA
You?
PLANT PERSON
Yes.
AVA
What do you have to do with it?
PLANT PERSON
We’ve co-existed with these creatures for centuries. Over epochs of evolution we’ve learned how to taste bad.
AVA
Taste bad?
PLANT PERSON
Yes. Eventually it’s going to realize it accidentally ate me and will… void itself.
AVA
Void itself?
PLANT PERSON
Yes.
AVA
We’re about to get puked up by a carnivorous plant?
PLANT PERSON
Oh, THAT’s what puke means.
AVA
When is this going to happen?
PLANT PERSON
Any time now.
AVA
…You’re sure?
PLANT PERSON
Yes.
AVA
…Fine… it smells terrible in here.
PLANT PERSON
It’s a digestive chamber, what were you expecting?
AVA
I was expecting to not get eaten by a giant plant and then told by a four foot plant that everything’s going to be fine. I think that’s a realistic fucking expectation.
PLANT PERSON
That’s fair, sure.
EFFIE
Ava, perhaps some introductions are in order before you roll out any more explosions of foul language?
AVA
I’m being digested. You want me to make tea?
EFFIE
Ava, our new friend has assured us that you’re going to be just fine.
ZEBULON
And not to put too fine a point on it but our new friend did heroically leap into the innards of this behemoth to insure you wouldn’t be harmed.
AVA
What do you expect me to do?
EFFIE
We just said introductions, Dear I can’t believe I have to explain these things to her.
ZEBULON
Again, I’ve given up.
AVA
Fine. I’m Ava. What’s your name?
PLANT PERSON
I have no idea.
AVA
Great, that went well.
PLANT PERSON
I mean, I know what it is but when I absorbed your language lexicon proper names don’t transfer very well.
AVA
Give it a shot.
PLANT PERSON
Okay… My name is Sheliaksimmeonsuliasamiasulia.
AVA
I’m just going to go with Shel.
SHEL
Great. Shel. I like it.
AVA
So… you’re a plant.
SHEL
Um… what’s something small and dumb on your planet?
AVA
Most things on my planet are small and dumb. A squirrel?
SHEL
Okay. Isn’t you saying to me “So, you’re a plant.” Like me saying to you “So, you’re a squirrel?”
AVA
That’s fair… Photosynthetic?
SHEL
Yes.
AVA
But you don’t have a root system, obviously.
SHEL
Not for several thousand… years? Is that the word?
AVA
Yes. Years. And how are you speaking to me?
SHEL
Spores. I’m constantly emitting them from my body. Some of them interact with your brain’s language center and report back.
AVA
You put spores in my brain?
SHEL
Yes, I’m realizing now that sounds alarming. They’re harmless. It’s just… it’s how we talk.
AVA
Okay. Well, you’re lucky a lot of weird shit has happened to me, I don’t phase easily.
SHEL
I’m noticing the word “shit” has many uses.
AVA
Yes.
SHEL
That isn’t confusing?
AVA
Huh… No, it’s really not.
SHEL
Okay. Speaking of weird shit, can you explain this talking box to me?
AVA
Not really. You kind of just have to go with it.
ZEBULON
Well we have no trouble explaining ourselves. I’m Zebulon Mucklewain here with my wife Effie.
EFFIE
Hi, Shel.
SHEL
Uh… hi. They scare me, are they supposed to scare me?
AVA
Yes. At first.
SHEL
So… who are you guys?
AVA
We’re traveling salesmen, can I interest you in a set of encyclopedias?
SHEL
I didn’t understand most of that.
ZEBULON
Myself, my wife, Ava, and our friends travel all of God’s creation helping those in need.
SHEL
Really?
AVA
“Help” is a strong word.
SHEL
I don’t suppose you know how to fix the sun, do you?
AVA
No. Your sun doesn’t need fixing.
SHEL
It may seem that way to you-
AVA
Someone’s blocking it. Someone’s blocking the sun. We call it a Dyson Sphere. For us it’s just in science fiction novels but someone went and made a real one. It’s a massive construct that wraps around an entire star and harnesses it’s energy. The downside is that anyone who depends on that star for warmth, gets screwed. Especially if it’s a planet of people who get their energy directly from the sun. Like you.
SHEL
Why would someone do that?
AVA
Because if you want to do anything big, you need massive amounts of energy. And in any universe the biggest source of energy will always be a star. Especially your star. Your star is very special, there’s only a few like it.
SHEL
Someone… killed us?
AVA
I’m sorry. Yes.
EFFIE
Ava, this land appears to us as a field that’s been left to fallow, waiting for a new wave of life. Do you mean to say that because the sky has been so darkened that that new life will never come?
AVA
Yeah, there will probably always be residual microbes, but life can’t exist on this planet anymore. Sorry.
ZEBULON
You’ll have to forgive Ava, Shel. She has a tendency to discard the emotional content of the moment.
AVA
Aw, Zebulon, you say the nicest things.
SHEL
Wait, stop. Who did this? Why would they do this?
AVA
Shel, I’m sorry, it’s hard for me to talk to you because I don’t know anything about you. Do you know that there are other civilizations on other planets?
SHEL
We did. Every once and a while we’d get visitors from the sky. They said they came here to study us. They said there weren’t a lot of people like us out there. They were nice for the most part. They would tell us about where they came from. They would tell us about the things they built and the places they had been. It all sounded interesting but… My people don’t… my people didn’t build things.
AVA
But you seem very intelligent.
SHEL
We are very intelligent. But we don’t need things. From the second I split from my seed I had everything I needed. Sunlight and soil. We’re born perfect. Why would we build things? Why would we want to? So when you tell me that someone built something so big that it covered up our sun… I don’t understand it. Do they know what they’re doing, do they know what they’re destroying?
AVA
I don’t know, Shel. But, probably. If you have the ability to create something so massive, you definitely have the ability to check the nearby planets for life.
SHEL
Tell me why they would do this?
AVA
Shel, I can’t tell you why. It’s a race called The Teds and… they’re dicks.
ZEBULON
I can tell you why, Shel.
SHEL
Please.
ZEBULON
My wife and I have spent our lives studying a book called The Bible. Now, I won’t speak on it too much since I know that it won’t mean much to you. But I can tell you what it has taught me. There is one sin above all others that poisons humanity. Do you understand this word? Sin.
SHEL
Yes.
EFFIE
Arrogance, Shel. It’s a word that’s been ground down over time to mean foolishness or over- confidence. But the arrogance we speak of is the sin of putting yourself before another. To decide that another is outside of God’s blessing.
ZEBULON
“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others before you count yourself.” That is the way. And these beings who have darkened your landscapes have strayed far from that path.
SHEL
They don’t even care.
ZEBULON
They do not.
AVA
How’d you manage to survive all this time?
SHEL
We don’t move around a lot. We may have abandoned our root systems a long time ago, but we still don’t travel very far from where we’re born. But I figured out that the patches of sunlight moved. So I moved with them. It’s unlike us to do that, but I kind of liked it. It suited me, I guess. So I just walked and walked, trying to keep up with the sun. I don’t even know how far I travelled. But then the patches of sun got smaller and smaller. I got more and more tired all the time. Today I could hardly move but then I saw you all outside and ran to warn you about the big plant that was about to eat you.
AVA
You failed.
SHEL
Sorry. It really is going to be fine, just give it time. If it’s any condolence, I’m still having a worse day than you.
AVA
That’s true.
SHEL
You have two languages. Like Gloria.
AVA
I do?
SHEL
Quare duas linguas loqueris?
AVA
Oh jeez, um… Natus sum loqui anglicus. Didici latine, cum senior essem.
EFFIE
Come again, y’all?
AVA
Shel sucked the Latin out of my head. Glad to know it’s still in there. Latin’s a dead language so of course a bunch of scientists speak it. I’m a scientist so I speak it.
SHEL
That’s another one. Scientist. What does that mean?
AVA
You don’t know what scientist means?
SHEL
No.
AVA
How is that possible?
SHEL
I don’t know.
AVA
You don’t have scientists on your planet?
SHEL
If I don’t know what a scientist is, how am I going to know-
AVA
Someone who… looks at the world and tries to figure out how it works.
SHEL
Oh. I do that all the time, does that make me a scientist?
AVA
Well you do know Latin.
SHEL
I feel like that’s all I’ve thought about lately. I don’t know why. I’ve been walking across my planet, wondering how I got here.
I would walk past all these dying trees and grasses and bushes and wonder, “Why am I the one who wonders?” Why not the other living things on this planet? Why do they get to be so blissfully unaware of everything that’s happening?
AVA
You’ve been thinking about how you got here?
EFFIE
I think that’s fairly natural, Shel. Often times when reaching the end of a road we think about it’s beginnings.
SHEL
You said that a scientist thinks about the way things work. Have you ever thought about this? About how we all got here? How it all began?
AVA
Zebulon, you want to tell Shel about the garden of Eden?
ZEBULON
I believe Shel is taking in quite a lot right now, Ava. Best to not confuse things.
AVA
I’m trying to be accommodating over here.
EFFIE
You’re not at all trying to do that, Ava, but we do appreciate you pretending to.
AVA
So far I’ve had a very good attitude for someone being slowly digested.
SHEL
Listen to me, though… I’m dying. My planet is already dead and I’m trying to create some meaning before I turn to dust like everything else. Can you tell me how I got here, please?
AVA
Okay. Yes, I can. Too much energy.
SHEL
What do you mean?
AVA
Complicated life, conscious life comes from too much energy. You have an abundance of energy and a bunch of atoms lying around.
Eventually a couple of those atoms say to themselves: “Hey, let’s take this energy and do something with it. Let’s use this energy to become more complex. Bigger, stronger, smarter. There’s so much energy around, why the hell not?” All that led to you.
SHEL
Where did the energy come from?
AVA
From your great, big star. Your star is very special. We call it a Wolf-Rayet star. It’s energy output is off the charts. There’s only a few like it in the known universe.
SHEL
So, life like me comes from stars?
AVA
Not all the time. For us the excess energy was probably volcanic jets at the bottom of the ocean. You came from the sun, we came from the sea. Anyway… that’s why you’re here. Okay?
SHEL
Okay. Thank you… Now what?
SFX: THE INNARDS OF THE HUGE FUCKING PLANT BEGIN TO RUMBLE.
EFFIE
That is a very disturbing sound.
SHEL
Get ready, you guys.
AVA
Oh, God, this is going to suck so hard. Give me the radio.
SHEL
Here.
AVA
Okay, guys. I’ve got you.
ZEBULON
“From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the Lord his God. And the Lord commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land.”
AVA
A little on the nose there, Zeb.
EFFIE
You hang on tight, Ava. You don’t want to have to come back for us.
SHEL
Everything’s going to be fine…
SFX: FADE TO THE SOUNDS OF THE ALIEN PLANET.
GLORIA
Leif, hurry up!
LEIF
(Inside the diner.)
Don’t get to close to it!
SFX: DOOR CHIME. BUCKET SLOSHING.
LEIF (CONT’D)
I’m not much of a chemist, but honestly you don’t have to be to kill something.
GLORIA
It’s not going to hurt them is it?
LEIF
Gloria, they just got eaten, let’s roll the dice on the chemicals giving them a rash, okay?!
GLORIA
Fine.
LEIF
Stand back. I’m going to dump this bucket on it and hope for the best.
SFX: GROANING OF A HUGE ALIEN STOMACH.
GLORIA
Uhhh.
LEIF
The fuck was that?
GLORIA
It’s moving, stand back!
SFX: HUGE ROAR FOLLOWED BY A RIVER OF PLANT VOMIT.
EVERYONE:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
SFX: HUGE FUCKING PLANT SLOWLY BEGINS TO DRAG ITSELF BACK INTO THE TREES.
SHEL
See? What’d I tell you? Everything’s fine.
EFFIE
Is it wrong that I found that enjoyable?
ZEBULON
I too am guilty of thinking it a hoot.
AVA
I am now ready to die.
GLORIA
Is everyone okay?
AVA
READ THE ROOM, GLORIA.
GLORIA
Sorry.
AVA
I’m covered in plant.
LEIF
What happened?
AVA
Can someone not covered in goo do the updates please?
EFFIE
Of course. Gloria, Leif, this is Shel. Shel was on the brink of expiring when they saw us in the path of that big old plant. When Shel was too late to warn us, they leapt into the mouth of the beast to save us. Truly a day of heroism from our new friend.
ZEBULON
Also, our vegetal compatriot appears to have many strange skills. They were able to cause that enormous beast to expel us from it’s bowels and also appears to magically bridge gaps of the vernacular variety. She learned to speak the language of Rome simply by sitting near Ava.
GLORIA
Shel, it’s nice to meet you. Thank you so much.
SHEL
It’s the least I could do. When I collapsed I thought I was done for, I don’t know what you guys did to me but you saved me.
GLORIA
Kinda what we do.
AVA
Okay, two things need to happen. 1) Someone needs to get me a towel and a cigarette. 2) Shel is going to die on this planet. We need to figure something out.
GLORIA
Okay. Leif, get a towel and a cigarette, okay?
LEIF
Yeah.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
GLORIA
Thanks for saving our friends, Shel.
SHEL
I’ve been wandering so long, trying to stay in the sun, I couldn’t even remember why I was doing it. Everyone was gone. I knew eventually I was going to end up like them. Why endure? Why not just lie down and die. Then I saw you guys, and I realized I had been staying alive for this. Thanks for giving it meaning.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
LEIF
We’re probably going to jump soon, guys.
GLORIA
I’m so sorry about your planet, Shel.
SHEL
You know, I’ve traveled more than any other member of my race. I may have walked across my entire planet, trying to stay in the sun. I may have met every member of my race. It’s not like there was a lot of us to begin with. I would try and convince them to walk with me, but they were old. Set in their ways. The thing is, when I meet someone like me, we exchange spores. I carry the genetic information of everyone I’ve met inside of me. My entire race may be inside of me. So it doesn’t feel like I’m dying alone. At least there’s that.
SFX: LIGHTER. LONG DRAW OFF A CIGARETTE.
AVA
Maybe it’s because I look like I’m covered in Peri- Peri sauce right now, but I have no interest in joining the plant pity party.
LEIF
Ava.
AVA
Shel, they’re all dead. You are the last dinosaur.
SHEL
What’s a-
AVA
It’s a fucking tragedy. It really is. But you, my little leaf-covered friend, are alive. So, mourn all you want, but we’re moving forward.
SHEL
Move forward where? I’ve got nowhere to move to.
AVA
Yes, you do. Because of what Gloria’s about to say.
GLORIA
You’re coming with us.
LEIF
Oh yeah? Cool.
SHEL
Coming… like in your ship?
GLORIA
It’s a diner.
SHEL
I don’t know what that means.
GLORIA
We travel all over the place, Shel. Tomorrow we’ll be a billion miles from here. The same thing the day after that.
SHEL
You mean like… up there?
GLORIA
Yes, Shel. Up there.
SHEL
Oh, no no no no, that’s not okay, I’m not okay with that. People aren’t supposed to be up there. Not okay!
AVA
It does feel that way sometimes.
LEIF
It’s going to be okay, Shel. You might like it.
SHEL
Nope. No. This is where I belong. Up there? No. No I can’t do that. That’s…
AVA
Shel, you said it yourself, you liked moving.
SHEL
Yes. Laterally. Up? No.
AVA
Look, we’ll put you in a pot, we’ll make sure your by a sunny window.
GLORIA
Ava.
SHEL
What does that mean?
GLORIA
Shel, you’re going to die.
SHEL
Everybody else is dead. Why do I live? Who am I?
GLORIA
You’re the only one left. And that changes things. It means your life doesn’t belong to you anymore. It belongs to the ones that didn’t get to live. You have to live for them now.
ZEBULON
Shel, I declined before to speak of the Garden of Eden, but that story parallels your own now. My people, like you, began in a garden. And then there was a great tragedy, and then a great journey. You are on that journey now.
AVA
Shel, this big thing in the sky, we call it a Dyson Sphere because the guy who used to talk about it was named Freeman Dyson.
He had some pretty crazy ideas. Another idea of his was called a Dyson Tree. He imagined a tree that could live on a comet. Cruising through the universe, surviving on whatever nutrients the comet provided, until it finally crashed down on a planet and was able to take root in a new home.
GLORIA
You be the tree, we’ll be the comet. Okay?
SFX: THE WORLD BEGINS TO CHANGE.
LEIF
Here we go.
SHEL
…What’s going to happen?
GLORIA
It’s going to be really fucking weird. But you’ll get used to it.
SHEL
Get used to what?
SFX: SHEL’S WORLD VANISHES. SOUND OF SPACE TIME RUSHING BY.
SHEL (CONT’D)
What… what happened… where’s my planet?… Where’s my home…
GLORIA
It’s going to be okay, Shel.
SHEL
It’s all gone black, what are all those lights?
AVA
Those are stars going by.
SHEL
They’re moving too fast.
LEIF
Shel, try and look at the pavement for a while. Sub- space really does a number you.
SHEL
The ground is too hard. My home is gone…
EFFIE
It’s not Shel. Shel, sometimes home has to be inside you for a little bit.
SHEL
I don’t feel good…
GLORIA
Shit, Leif?
LEIF
I got you, Shel.
SHEL
I can’t stand up.
LEIF
I know. We’re going to get you under the heat lamps again.
SHEL
Those were nice.
GLORIA
I’ll get the door.
SFX: DOOR CHIME. SOUND OF SPACE TIME FADES INTO THE BACKGROUND.
LEIF
Can you turn the lamps on?
GLORIA
Yeah, I’ve got it.
SFX: HEAT LAMPS BUZZ.
LEIF
(Laying Shel down on the counter.)
Okay. Here we go.
SHEL
…Massiksikiasuniasikia…
GLORIA
What’s that?
AVA
I think it’s a name.
GLORIA
That’s a name? Is that a friend of yours?
SHEL
They were old… Brown around the edges… that’s what happens when we get old, we turn brown at the edges… we liked the same hill in the morning… They were one of the first ones to go… They’re gone now…
GLORIA
But you spent time with them. So, they’re inside you now, right?
SHEL
… They’re inside me now…
GLORIA
Then you need to find them a home.
SHEL
… I need to find all of them a home…
GLORIA
You will, Shel. We’re going to help you. Rest now, okay?
LEIF
… Jeez, that got heavy really fucking fast.
GLORIA
Outside, Leif.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
LEIF
Am I going to get yelled at again? I keep getting yelled at.
AVA
I know, it’s been really great for me. Come on.
SFX: DOOR CHIME. SPACE TIME RUSHING BY.
GLORIA
They killed everyone, Leif.
LEIF
I know.
GLORIA
The Teds killed everything on that planet.
LEIF
I know that.
GLORIA
For what?
LEIF
So they could build a warp gate.
GLORIA
A fucking warp gate. There were things on that planet that had lives, Leif!
LEIF
You don’t have to tell me.
GLORIA
So their spaceships could go a little faster, they killed everyone?!
LEIF
It’s the galactic equivalent of someone building a freeway through your back yard.
GLORIA
It wasn’t through their backyard, Leif, it was through their planet!
LEIF
None of this is my fault.
GLORIA …
LEIF
…
GLORIA
We’re using the doomsday device, Leif.
LEIF
No we’re not.
AVA
What?
GLORIA
Yes we are, Leif.
LEIF
You can’t.
AVA
There was a doomsday device and nobody told me?
GLORIA
Yes, we can.
AVA
(Chanting.)
Use it. Use it. Use it.
LEIF
You can’t just burn everything down.
GLORIA
Like hell we can’t! Look at what they’re doing!
LEIF
If we use it, people are going to starve. They’re going to get sick.
GLORIA
What are you talking about?
LEIF
There are a ton of planets in this system that are completely dependent on those gates. They can’t support themselves. Entire planets with no agricultural base. Nothing. We shut down the Teds and everybody dies on those planets just like they did on Shel’s.
GLORIA
Fuck!
LEIF
This is why the Teds are geniuses. They fucking suck and they’re fucking indispensable. Let’s say we go crazy and do it anyway. Let’s say we shut it all down and send three galaxies into total chaos. Guess who makes their move when everything goes to shit? Låfftrax the fucking space pirate. You know, the guy whose goons tried to rip your arms off yesterday? Congratulations, you just went from three galaxies ruled by anal retentive fascists to three galaxies ruled by a chaotic psychopath. You want to pick one?
GLORIA
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
AVA
For the record: I still say use it.
GLORIA
We’re not using it.
AVA
Fine. You know I met a plant today that’s more interesting than you guys.
GLORIA
They’ve got us trapped in their territory.
LEIF
Looks like it.
GLORIA
So, odds are, any planet we show up on the Teds are going to be running some kind of a racket.
LEIF
Oh absolutely. They’re everywhere.
GLORIA
Fine… Fine… Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. The next planet we go to. We find out whatever the Teds are up to on that planet, we’re going to find it, and we’re going to fuck it up.
LEIF
We are?
GLORIA
That’s what we’re doing. I don’t like these people Leif. I thought once I got away from Earth, people would stop sucking. They still suck, Leif. Whatever they’re up to, we fuck it up. Do you understand me?
LEIF
Fuck it up how?
GLORIA
I don’t know. We’ve got a scientist, a guy who can make stuff, a magical radio, and a PISSED OFF MEXICAN! That’s going to have to be enough!
ZEBULON
And I will exact great vengeance upon them with furious rebukes; and they shall know that I am the lord-
EFFIE
Dear. Perhaps no Ezekiel at the moment?
ZEBULON
I was carried away
LEIF
You’re scaring me a little bit.
GLORIA
They think they have us trapped in their territory, but that’s not what it is. They’re trapped in here with us.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
AVA
What the fuck was that?
LEIF
Gloria just declared war on an entire galactic empire. Should go fine.
END.