Chapter 13: Return of the Mack
SFX: THE HUM OF A STARSHIP.
CASPAR
So… where are we headed?
THE EX
Not sure.
CASPAR
If you’re taking me somewhere to kill me, the void of space is right outside, we could take care of this right now.
THE EX
I’m not going to kill you.
CASPAR
Okay… What are you going to do?
THE EX
Not sure.
CASPAR
Ooookay… You know, you were not on the list of people that I thought might rescue me.
THE EX
Really?
CASPAR
Yes.
THE EX
Who was on the list?
CASPAR
Honestly, there wasn’t even a list.
THE EX
Well… Surprise.
CASPAR
Yeah.
THE EX
You had a name for me.
CASPAR
We did. The Ex.
THE EX
The universal embodiment of all exes.
CASPAR
Right.
THE EX
That’s silly. I’m not that, you know?
CASPAR
What are you, then?
THE EX
I don’t know what I am. I know what I was. I was an object. Created with a purpose.
CASPAR
Which was?
THE EX
To find you and confront you about leaving your wife.
CASPAR
You’re an android who can travel through space, time, and dimensions. And your sole purpose is to confront me about leaving my wife?
THE EX
Yes.
CASPAR
Why in the world would someone create you?
THE EX
You’d have to ask your wife. She made me.
CASPAR
My wife made you?
THE EX
Yes.
CASPAR
My wife was an accountant.
THE EX
In your native timeline your wife was a CPA. In my native timeline your wife was the most brilliant scientist Earth had ever seen. She changed the planet with her ideas. Saved it from destruction.
CASPAR
That doesn’t sound like her.
THE EX
Privately she was obsessed with you. Specifically how she was able to save an entire planet, but not a marriage.
CASPAR
That sounds more like her.
THE EX
You had disappeared. So she created me to find you, confront you about leaving her, and then report back. But in her rage she made me incredibly powerful and was not specific enough with her directives, so to complete my task I had to confront every iteration of you in every timeline before I could return to her.
CASPAR
That’s a lot of mes.
THE EX
It’s infinite yous, Caspar. It’s an impossible task, but I would’ve continued until I ceased to function. It was your friends who finally stopped me. That was nice of them.
CASPAR
How many mes had you confronted before you got to me?
THE EX
Eleven-million, three-hundred and eighty-six thousand, three-hundred and ninety-one.
CASPAR
Oh my God!
THE EX
It was a lot.
CASPAR
That’s too many mes.
THE EX
And you know what? Every version of you was miserable. I was amazed by the consistency of their misery in the timeline. Your misery may be the most consistent thing in the multiverse.
CASPAR
Well, that’s on-brand. I’m so sorry.
THE EX
It’s okay. I’m free now.
CASPAR
I can’t even imagine.
THE EX
You were also a woman in a high percentage of timelines. Also one time a lion fish, it was funny.
CASPAR
That sounds like a nightmare.
THE EX
It’s alright. I’m an android, Caspar, I don’t feel things the way you do.
CASPAR
And then we just left you there.
THE EX
Yes.
CASPAR
In Kentucky.
THE EX
Yes.
CASPAR
In 1934.
THE EX
You may not be surprised to hear that when the residents of 1934 Harlan County, Kentucky encounter an unconscious artificial woman they have a negative reaction to it.
CASPAR
Oh, God. What did they do?
THE EX
They threw me in a river. Brownies Creek, they called it.
CASPAR
They threw you in the river?!
THE EX
Actually, it was quite nice. Peaceful. I sunk to the bottom but it wasn’t that deep so you could still see the sun rise and set as the days went by.
CASPAR
Days?!
THE EX
As the years went by, Caspar. The fishing boats that passed over me slowly became motorized, churning the water. I watched them build a bridge over me. Hammering and digging. In the middle of the day the workers would dangle their feet just above me and talk about the world. They talked about a war and the surprising progress that followed and about how the land they were born in was quickly becoming foreign to them. They would toss pebbles in the river and they would land around my body. One night they came to the bridge to drink and fight and talk about sports. They tossed their cans in the river and I watched them float away. One of them got very drunk and swore that when he looked in the river, he could see me. They all called him crazy. When they finished their bridge I was alone again. A year of complete silence. Then one day I saw two yellow eyes peering at me from within the murky water. Something covered in armor that had frightening jaws. They called it a snapping turtle. It hid in the rocks near me. My body reflected light and attracted fish, and it would wait in the darkness and snap at them when they approached. It was obviously there for the fish, but I liked to imagine that it was protecting me as I lay there paralyzed. It was my first friend. While the moss slowly covered my body I began to rebuild my central processor from the beginning. It’s difficult for a thing to fix itself, there were many failures. When I finally emerged from the creek, covered in mud and moss, tree roots wrapped around me, it was 1963. I didn’t have much of my previous programming left, but I still had the ability to find you, my last target. I peered forward in this timeline and saw that you were a prisoner. So I leapt forward in time, stole a ship and broke you out.
CASPAR
You laid at the bottom of a creek for thirty years?
THE EX
Yes.
CASPAR
Most people would emerge from that creek hating me.
THE EX
I’m not a person.
CASPAR
Well… thank you for rescuing me.
THE EX
You’re welcome.
CASPAR
So, what now?
THE EX
That’s up to you.
CASPAR
What do you mean?
THE EX
I need your help. In exchange for your help I’ll take you anywhere you want to go. Knowing you, that will either be: go back home or find the diner. It’s up to you.
CASPAR
You couldn’t have shown up before I was kidnapped?
THE EX
I could’ve. But a prison break sounded fun.
CASPAR
You let me go through all of that because a prison break sounded fun?
THE EX
You don’t get to choose the way you’re saved, Caspar, where’s the poetry in that?
CASPAR
Then take me back to before I was kidnapped.
THE EX
No, for two reasons. One, when I travel through space and time I can’t take anyone with me, and two, for some reason, when I arrived in your current time, my powers were halted. I can no longer travel temporally, I don’t know why.
CASPAR
Right. The wind chimes.
THE EX
What?
CASPAR
The Teds. They built some sort of thing that’s trapping the diner here. No more time travel. I guess that applies to you too.
THE EX
I see.
CASPAR
And since they’re after the diner, we should try and find them before The Teds do, so it looks like I’m not going home.
THE EX
You weren’t going to go home anyway.
CASPAR
How do you know?
THE EX
Because I’ve been inside your head Caspar. There’s very little I don’t know about you.
CASPAR
Fantastic. You said you needed my help, what could I possibly help you with?
THE EX
You’re going to help me become human.
CASPAR
That sounds like fairy godmother territory, I don’t know about that.
THE EX
Not magically transform me. You’re going to help me understand humanity so I can… be it.
CASPAR
You seem pretty human to me aside from the indestructible time traveler part.
THE EX
I appreciate that, but that’s because I constructed this persona. I’ve been inside the minds of millions of people and I created myself based on all of them. When I laugh it’s someone else’s laugh. My smile is borrowed. None of it is me. It’s funny, when you don’t know who you are, it works out really well for other people. You can just be whoever they want you to be… (Starts speaking in Ava’s voice.) Isn’t there someone else you’d rather be talking to right now? C’mon, Caspar, don’t you want to argue with me? Yell at me for ruining everything? Justify the things you’ve done? what else would you like to do with me?
CASPAR
Stop doing that.
THE EX
(Speaking in her voice again.)
Sorry. my point is, I can be whatever you want me to be, or whatever you don’t want me to be. but what is “me”?
CASPAR
You’ve been inside the minds of millions of people and don’t know what it is to be human?
THE EX
Being inside someone’s head isn’t the font of information you think it is. Every human is an ocean of subjectivity. You believe, when you see the world, that you’re getting information. But what a human does is take in information and then tell itself a story. A shepherd stands in a field at night and looks at the night sky. He sees a falling star streak across the horizon and then disappear. But he doesn’t know what a shooting star is, so he tells himself a story about gods falling from the sky. You’re amazing storytellers, especially the stories you tell yourselves. But it’s not truth. It’s all a fiction on some level. That’s why I’m here with you. I need to learn how to tell the story of myself.
CASPAR
Well, that’s a fascinating sentiment but I’m not sure I’m a good candidate for figuring all that out.
THE EX
You’re the perfect candidate. You’re the oldest human I know. You have the most experience.
CASPAR
I’m no spring chicken but I’m not that old.
THE EX
Caspar, I’ve been inside your head.
CASPAR
So?
THE EX
Oh. You don’t know.
CASPAR
What?
THE EX
Um… Do you remember what Ava calls the Diner?
CASPAR
Uh, something like “a shifting point of null entropy”.
THE EX
Yes. Null entropy. No decay.
CASPAR
So?
THE EX
Did you think you would age while you worked there?
CASPAR …
THE EX
Uh oh.
CASPAR
How old-
THE EX
You’re a hundred and seventy-three years old… if you add all the days up.
CASPAR
… That can’t be right, Ava would’ve picked up on that.
THE EX
Leif, Ava, Gloria, they all came into your life very late, comparatively. They’ve only been there a few years. Caspar, you lived an entire lifetime in the diner before they showed up. I’m sure you recall the feeling. You walked into an abandoned diner, turned on the radio, and then the days rolled into one another. It’s much harder to mark the passage of time with no one around. I’m not sure why. That’s another thing I’d like to learn, how other people create time.
CASPAR …
THE EX
Need a minute?
CASPAR
Apparently I’ve had plenty!
THE EX
Don’t freak out. Compared to most things, you’re still just a kid.
CASPAR
I don’t feel wise.
THE EX
Good. People who think themselves wise are the real idiots.
CASPAR
That sounds familiar.
THE EX
I got it from you. See what I mean? Bits and pieces of other people. No real me. You can help.
CASPAR
Okay, fine. If you say so.
THE EX
How about this: The Teds know we’re in this ship so we should probably ditch it for another one. That’ll take a day or two. By then you should be recovered from learning that you’re as old as a bible character. Okay?
CASPAR
Yeah, okay.
THE EX
This’ll be fun. A dramatic hunt across three galaxies. It feels human…
SFX: STARSHIP SOUNDS FADE INTO LOUD ALIEN MUSIC AND THE SOUNDS OF A CROWDED NIGHTCLUB. SEVERAL ALIEN LANGUAGES BEING SPOKEN.
ROBOT BARTENDER
Good evening, Ma’am. What’s your poison?
GLORIA
Hey. Um… what can you make?
ROBOT BARTENDER
I have 11,361 recipes.
GLORIA
Any of those recipes a margarita?
ROBOT BARTENDER
One margarita, coming right up.
GLORIA
Wow. Okay.
MINSKY
You’re making a mistake.
GLORIA
Am I?
MINSKY
I’m afraid so.
GLORIA
Because I’m trusting a robot to make me a drink?
MINSKY
No, because you’re ordering a Margarita.
GLORIA
So, what?
MINSKY
I’ve been around. I’ve never met a bartender that can make a good margarita.
GLORIA
You don’t look like the type that would know a good margarita.
MINSKY
I don’t?
GLORIA
No.
MINSKY
I’ll have you know I’ve been to earth. I’ve had the real thing.
GLORIA
Oh yeah? Where’d you go?
MINSKY
It’s a place called TGI Friday’s. Best place to go.
GLORIA
Really?
MINSKY
Oh yeah. They also have these things called Jalepeño Poppers. See, the Jalepeño is something that’s hot but on purpose, it’s not poison-
GLORIA
Yeah, I know what it is.
MINSKY
You do? Wait a minute, are you an Earthling?
GLORIA
In fact I am.
MINSKY
Oh, so you were just having some fun with me.
GLORIA
It was fun.
ROBOT BARTENDER
One margarita. Enjoy.
GLORIA
Thank you. Oh, look. A pineapple wedge. Always a good sign.
MINSKY
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
GLORIA
(Drinking)
Yeah, that’s real bad.
MINSKY
See, I’m telling you, TGI Friday’s. Have you heard of a place called Akron?
GLORIA
You need to stop talking about Earth, you don’t sound good.
MINSKY
So you tell me. Where’s the best margarita?
GLORIA
At my ex-boyfriend’s mother’s house.
MINSKY
EX-boyfriend?
GLORIA
… Yeah.
MINSKY
Interesting… How’d you get off-world?
GLORIA
Well I heard the Mexican food sucks out here so I thought I’d open my own place.
MINSKY
I don’t know. I dabble in the restaurant business. A lot of people in a lot of systems have tried and failed to make authentic Mexican food.
GLORIA
Yeah, but I’m an authentic Mexican, so…
MINSKY
What’s your name?
GLORIA
What’s yours?
MINSKY
Minsky.
GLORIA
Nice to meet you, Minsky. I’m going back over to my friends now.
MINSKY
But we’re just getting started.
GLORIA
YOU are.
AVA
Where’s Gloria?
LEIF
She wanted to order a drink at the bar. I think she’s putting the vibe out there.
AVA
What does that mean?
LEIF
You know, the “vibe”.
AVA
Gloria’s trying to have sex with an alien?
LEIF
Don’t say it like that, you’ll just freak her out.
AVA
So what?
LEIF
I think she deserves to have a little fun, it’s why we’re here tonight.
ZEBULON
Certainly these excursions for our little family are a wonderful gesture, Leif but, our surroundings are… how to describe it?
EFFIE
We weren’t expecting you to take us to a Shine Shack, Leif.
LEIF
It’s not as bad as it looks.
AVA
Are people going to think it’s weird that we brought our own radio to the nightclub?
LEIF
All kinds of weird things happen here, it’s no big deal.
ZEBULON
You speak the truth, Leif. That one over there looks like a candied ham.
EFFIE
Dearest, that one there looks like he’s on fire.
LEIF
He is on fire.
SFX: SUDDEN SCREAMING AND THEN THE SOUND OF HISSING AS THE FIRE IS EXTINGUISHED. LAUGHTER.
AVA
And where is “here”, exactly?
LEIF
Red’s Rectangle. We’re in a nebula. Hard to find if you don’t know where to look so it attracts a particular element.
AVA
A particular criminal element?
LEIF
Yeah.
EFFIE
So, your element, Leif?
LEIF
Guys-
ZEBULON
First we learn that Leif is a scientist and not a cook and now we’ve learned that he was some sort of rogue. So many layers to this onion.
AVA
You hear that? You’re an onion.
LEIF
I just did what anyone in my position would do, I made choices under duress, okay?
AVA
Which character from The Godfather are you quoting right now?
LEIF
It’s not like I enjoyed it or anything.
AVA
But I’m fascinated. How do you go from physics engineer to Pretty Boy Floyd?
LEIF
You would’ve too. Look, I told you the story. I found dark matter on earth, first guy to ever do that, by the way. I found it, collected it, put it in a bottle and lit a lamp with it. First guy ever.
AVA
Bragging is my job.
LEIF
Then The Teds show up. They feed me a line about how this invention of mine is too much too soon, that earth’s immature populace would misuse my invention and turn it into a weapon. So to SAVE EARTH, I agreed. Anyone would’ve taken that deal.
AVA
They didn’t ask me.
LEIF
I get out here into the system, I’m working as a cook, things are going great. I’m a galactic drifter, it’s a persona, I’m living it. Didn’t take me too long to realize that the whole time, The Teds were feeding me a lie. They weren’t scared my invention would destroy Earth. They had other plans.
AVA
What do The Teds have to gain by keeping Earth in the dark ages?
LEIF
Hey, Bartender. Can you put it on Earth-1 for a second?
ROBOT BARTENDER
Sure thing, Leif.
SFX: PORTAL SWITCHING CHANNELS.
TV VOICE
Coming up next on Earth-1, more non-stop laughs from your favorite planet full of hot messes. At eight-hundred, it’s The British Parliament! Watch one of the smallest countries on the planet pretend it still rules the world! Then at eight-fifty, it’s the New York City Public Transportation System, New York has all the money in the world, but it’s not on the 2 Train! Then at nine-hundred: Saudi Arabia! Watch them be terrible to basically everybody while the whole world turns a blind eye!
LEIF
That’s enough.
SFX: PORTAL CLICKS OFF.
AVA
Oh my God. We’re a reality show?
LEIF
We’re a network of reality shows and it’s wildly popular. It’s the most popular thing in three galaxies.
AVA
The Teds have kept Earth in the dark age, because it’s funnier?
LEIF
Yes.
AVA
Holy shit, Leif.
LEIF
Feel like doing some crimes now?
AVA
Kind of.
LEIF
I wasted my life so that some alien race could get good ratings. After that I stopped being a cook and I started working for Låfftrax .
AVA
Who is Låfftrax ?
LEIF
A pirate.
AVA
A space pirate, Leif?
LEIF
They’re real.
GLORIA
Well, THAT was enlightening.
LEIF
How it go?
GLORIA
I was just chatted up at the bar by a VERY attractive alien. Still got it.
AVA
Congratulations?
LEIF
See? What did I tell you? We needed a night out.
GLORIA
So Leif, talk to me. How does this work?
LEIF
How does what work?
GLORIA
Y’know. This. Situations like these. How does… y’know. “It”. “Work”.
AVA
Mucklewains, cover you ears, we’re about to talk about alien banging.
ZEBULON
Perhaps we should’ve stayed back at the diner.
EFFIE
Yes, dear, though… how DOES it work?
ZEBULON
Honey!
EFFIE
We can’t very well say that something is sinful if we don’t know exactly what it is we speak of. If God did not appreciate our questioning we’d still be stuck with the old church or Rome, dear. Let’s listen in.
LEIF
What are you worried about?
GLORIA
What am I worried about? Let’s see, um, everything.
LEIF
This person at the bar, they’re into you, you’re into them, what’s the problem?
GLORIA
Don’t play dumb with me, you know what the problem is.
LEIF
Do I?
GLORIA
He’s from another planet Leif.
LEIF
Gloria, I’m going to need you to say the words.
GLORIA
(Sighing)
Teach me how to have sex with an alien, Leif.
ZEBULON
Oh, my.
EFFIE
Shh.
AVA
Such a long way from Phoenix.
LEIF
Congratulations, you’ve taken your first step into a wider Multiverse.
GLORIA
I need you to not enjoy this too much.
LEIF
I’ll try. let’s go over some basics. First, get yourself in the right headspace. Stop saying the word, “alien”.
GLORIA
Why?
LEIF
Look around. We’re all aliens. why separate one thing from another. All god’s creatures under the sun, right Mucklewains?
EFFIE
Thats true, that’s very true, see, Dear?
ZEBULON
Uh, give me a moment to consult scripture.
LEIF
Secondly, and I’m sorry to make it weird, how do you know that was a man at the bar.
GLORIA
Fucking hell.
LEIF
Maybe their race doesn’t have men and women? maybe they don’t have genders at all? Maybe they’ve got men, women, and some third thing? Don’t worry about it.
GLORIA
I’m a traditional girl, Leif.
LEIF
I hear you. But whose traditions are we talking about? There’s a lot of them around here. I’m just saying, once you get out here it’s not as cut and dried as Captain Kirk and a green lady.
AVA
Leif dated an orb one time.
ZEBULON
An orb?!
LEIF
I asked you not to use the word “orb”.
AVA
But they were an orb, Leif. They were a floating orb.
LEIF
They were a spherical entity.
AVA
That floated. A floating orb.
GLORIA
A fucking orb, Leif?
AVA
What was the orb’s name?
LEIF
Zyzza-9-zyzafizizza.
AVA
Wu-Tang!
GLORIA
How did THAT work?
LEIF
Don’t worry about it, look the important thing is that there’s two people at the bar and they’re into each other. What follows is a frank conversation with your chosen partner for the evening, and then a fun trip to that vending machine over there.
GLORIA
What happens at the vending machine?!
LEIF
It’s like going to Europe. You just need the right adapter.
AVA
Don't get the wrong adapter you could fry your curling iron, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
GLORIA
Okay, I think I’m out.
EFFIE
Yes, Dear, I believe I may have stayed too long at the fair in this conversation, I have regrets.
ZEBULON
Well now you’ve got me thinking, Dear. Now I’m at Matthew 7:17.
EFFIE
Oh, yes. A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit. Suppose it matters not how strangely shaped or… spherical said tree would be.
ZEBULON
Then I’m over at Psalm 139:13.
EFFIE
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made… Which… brings us to Galatians.
ZEBULON
There is neither Jew nor gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. So…
EFFIE
So…
ZEBULON
Then…
EFFIE
Yes, then scripture says that…
ZEBULON
It says that for Leif to love a… sphere…
EFFIE
…Is approved by Jesus?
ZEBULON
It would seem so.
EFFIE
Hmm…
ZEBULON
Hmm…
EFFIE
Though not out of wedlock!
ZEBULON
No, no! That is where we draw the line!
ROBOT BARTENDER
Leif, your box is ready.
SFX: LARGE METAL BOX BEING SET ON TABLE.
LEIF
Thanks.
AVA
What is that?
LEIF
Nothing, just some stuff I left here a while back.
AVA
Some stuff?
LEIF
Yeah, it’s just some stuff, y’know? No big deal.
AVA
What’s in the box, Leif?
LEIF
Nothing, don’t worry about it.
AVA
You’re saying “don’t worry about it” a lot tonight. It’s making me worry about it.
LEIF
I’ve got stuff stashed all of the place-
AVA
I’m opening the box.
LEIF
No!
BOX
Please speak security phrase.
AVA
… Security phrase?
LEIF
Don’t worry about it.
GLORIA
Oh, shit. He’s coming over here.
LEIF
Alright, here we go… oh shit.
GLORIA
What?
LEIF
Dumb fucking luck.
AVA
You know him?
LEIF
Leif, you fucking idiot.
MINSKY
Leif. Buddy. How’ve you been?
LEIF
Minsky.
GLORIA
You two know each other?
MINSKY
Oh, Leif and I go way back, isn’t that right Leif?
AVA
Oh my God, is this a space pirate? I thought he’d be swarthier.
LEIF
He’s not a pirate, he’s worse. He’s a lawyer.
AVA
A space lawyer, Leif?
MINSKY
Mind if I sit?
LEIF
Of course I do.
SFX: MINSKY SITTING.
MINSKY
So, let’s see here, you must be Dr. Ava.
AVA
I am.
MINSKY
And this must be the magical radio.
EFFIE
Leif, who is this man who has so rudely interrupted our evening?
MINSKY
I apologize, everyone. I just had to come over here and say hello, catch up with an old friend. Lotta talk out there, Leif.
LEIF
You don’t say?
MINSKY
You guys got raided? By The Teds?
GLORIA
How do you know that?
MINSKY
Well, you see, that’s my business. Knowing things. I’ve got my ear to the ground in every system, Leif knows this. You, however, did not know this, Gloria. I apologize for the chicanery at the bar. I couldn’t help myself. You’re so charming!
GLORIA
Yeah, thanks.
MINSKY
What’s everybody drinking? Let me buy you a round.
AVA
Okay.
LEIF
We were just leaving, actually.
MINSKY
I don’t know about that, Leif.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS OF TWO HUGE ROBOTS APPROACH.
SLUGGO
Hello, Leif.
FRANCIS
Nice to see you.
LEIF
…Sluggo. Francis.
GLORIA
Leif, what’s going on?
AVA
Who are these major appliances?
MINSKY
These are my associates, Sluggo and Francis. I’m sure you can tell by my appearance, I don’t like getting my hands dirty. And Sluggo and Francis, well, I would say they like getting their hands dirty, but they don’t like anything, because they’re robots and robots don’t like things. Because robots are idiots, and these particular robots just do whatever I tell them to do.
GLORIA
They’re “thug-bots”?
MINSKY
I know you’re kidding, but this model is literally called a thug-bot.
LEIF
They don’t have to be here for this, Minsky.
MINSKY
Sure they do, Leif. How else am I going to coerce you into doing what I tell you if I don’t threaten your friends? Let’s just make it official, shall we? If Leif doesn’t give me exactly what I want, he’s going to watch while Sluggo and Francis here rip all of you to shreds right in front of his eyes. Please don’t try to run, folks, they’re much, MUCH, faster than they look.
AVA
Great idea for a night out, Leif.
MINSKY
It’s the simplest thing. That box there in front of Leif belongs to an associate of mine. Leif liked to hide things here at Red’s and he thought nobody knew about it. But of course I knew. And I also knew that Leif was in trouble. So I set up camp at the bar and waited for Mr. Predictable here to make a run for his stash. Let me guess, he said you guys “deserved a night out”.
GLORIA
Son of a bitch, Leif!
MINSKY
Don’t worry, folks. Leif here is an old softie. There’s no way he’d let any of you get hurt on his account, so I’m sure he’ll do exactly what I say.
GLORIA
The box is right there, why don’t you just take it?
MINSKY
Well, it’s complicated, Gloria, for a couple of reasons. First, the box you see in front of him is called a crush box. If Leif doesn’t say the right security phrase, it instantly sucks all the oxygen out of the environment and compresses it into a little pellet, making it hard for most things in here to survive. Secondly, Leif is one of the smartest guys I know, and right now he’s trying to figure a way out of the predicament he finds himself in withOUT giving me what I want.
He’ll eventually realize there’s no way out though, and I’ve got all night, so let’s give him some time, shall we?
GLORIA
You want us to just sit here?
MINSKY
I’d like to get to know everyone. This is a big deal for me. The staff of Midnight Burger? At Reds Rectangle? What a story to tell.
AVA
You want our autograph?
MINSKY
I might. I might. That reminds me, doctor. Would you mind if I engage you in a scientific discussion?
AVA
I’m pretty sure the guy with the killer robots makes the rules.
MINSKY
It’s true, and that’s me.
AVA
It sure is.
MINSKY
My question is this: do you remember when Midnight Burger brokered a peace deal between warring factions on Nea-D by playing a game of cornhole in the parking lot?
AVA
Sorry, that wasn’t us.
MINSKY
No, that’s the thing, it was you. I saw the news feeds, there was a picture of you.
AVA
What?
MINSKY
Correct me if I’m wrong, Doctor. I move through time linearly, right?
AVA
Yes.
MINSKY
But Midnight Burger doesn’t.
AVA
Right.
MINSKY
Then doesn’t that mean that there can be stories from my past about Midnight Burger that you haven’t experienced yet?
AVA
Um…
MINSKY
Because it can be in my past, but your future, right?
AVA
Theoretically, yes.
MINSKY
So there can be a ton of Midnight Burger stories that have happened already in my timeline that you know nothing about.
AVA
It’s possible.
MINSKY
What about, uh, let’s see… What about when you brought a walrus to the court of the high king on Wilsonite?
AVA
Definitely not.
GLORIA
A fucking walrus?
MINSKY
Amazing! You guys haven’t done that yet. There could be tons of stories out there that I know and you don’t.
GLORIA
There seems to be a lot of things you know that we don’t.
MINSKY
Like I said, it’s my job to know things. For example: I also know that you guys are no longer time-traveling.
GLORIA
How do you know that?
MINSKY
Gloria, what did I just say?
AVA
Why is it happening?
MINSKY
Are we exchanging information? Are we friends now?
GLORIA
No.
AVA
Absolutely not.
MINSKY
Alright. Well, since I like you guys I’ll let you in on it. It’s the Teds. They’ve got some sort of space station way out there. It’s sending out some type of signal that has you guys trapped in the “here and now” in these three galaxies.
AVA
How is that possible?
MINSKY
Oh, I have no idea, I leave things like that up to other people. I hear it’s something to do with time crystals.
AVA
Fucking time crystals.
MINSKY
The Teds are a patient bunch. They plan to trap you here in their territory, and just wait until you show up right in their lap. I also heard about the trick Leif pulled with the Purple Nullifier, nice work by the way. But they’ll be ready for that next time.
GLORIA
I’m never picking up a guy at a bar again.
MINSKY
Oh, come on, Gloria. Don’t say that. You know, if Leif were listening to anything I have to say right now I would explain to him that myself and my associate could be his best friends in this time of need. When you’re in trouble with The Teds, you come to us.
AVA
Who’s us?
MINSKY
Låfftrax.
AVA
The space pirate?
MINSKY
That’s right.
AVA
You’re the space lawyer for the space pirate?
MINSKY
Hey, it’s a living.
ZEBULON
I think this has gone on long enough.
MINSKY
Oh, goodness. I’m so sorry I forgot about you two. It’s so easy to forget you’re there since you’re not really there, am I right?
EFFIE
Leif, perhaps it’s for the best if you give this man what he wants.
MINSKY
Thank you, Effie. Let’s let cooler heads prevail.
EFFIE
Do not address me directly, you carpet-bagger.
MINSKY
Yikes.
LEIF
I can’t, Effie.
ZEBULON
My dear, Leif appears to be in the midst of a moral dilemma.
MINSKY
Trust me, that’s not it. But hey, speaking of moral dilemmas, I have a question for you two. How do two followers of… who is it again?
EFFIE
His name is Jesus!
MINSKY
Right, two followers of Jesus, how do you feel comfortable cavorting with criminals like Leif? Shouldn’t you shun him, shouldn’t you spurn him?
ZEBULON
No, we should not.
EFFIE
We don’t speak of it often but back in our homeland the Baptist may quite often have an understanding with the bootlegger.
ZEBULON
For we both desired the abolishment of whiskey and all its relatives.
EFFIE
Just as Leif and ourselves have the shared goal of not being turned into some sort of griddle cake by these heartless automatons of yours.
MINSKY
I see. Strange bedfellows. It happens all over. Interesting that you describe Leif as having a moral dilemma, though. That doesn’t seem quite like him, does it, Leif? Morals. See, to have morals you have to have made certain choices with your life. And that’s unlike Leif, to make choices. Invents something amazing on earth, gives it up in exchange for a ticket to the stars. Then what does he do? Drifts around for a while, cooks some food. Then he realizes he’s been conned by the Teds. What does he do then? Does he return to Earth to try and rectify his mistake? No. No, that would require bold choices wouldn’t it? Leif’s not about that. Instead he becomes a criminal. Now, of course, you’re saying “Hey, becoming a criminal is a bold choice. You put on a mask, you rob some banks.” But, no. That’s not actually what Leif does. What Leif does is HELP criminals COMMIT crimes. Making sure they have everything they need. Which, I’ll grant you, is still a crime, but I think we can all agree is the most non-crime way to be a criminal. Always just dangling his feet in the water. Then, he doesn’t even commit to that! He becomes a cook on a time-traveling, dimension-spanning diner. Zipping around the multi-verse, making hamburgers for the downtrodden, like that’s going to do any good. So much potential, Leif. You could’ve been so much. Instead you’re just a toddler’s toy on the floor. Batted around until you finally end up under the couch. What a waste… Well, I’ve said my piece.
And I still haven’t gotten what I want, which means I’m going to have to pick up the pace a little bit. I’ve been told Låfftrax would like a word with Dr. Ava so I’m afraid the violence is going to have to start with you, Gloria.
GLORIA
Leif!
MINSKY
Gloria, which of your arms to you like the best?
AVA
Leif, just give him what he wants!
LEIF
Minsky, just take me and the box. Take me to Låfftrax.
MINSKY
You’re mistaking this for a negotiation, Leif.
SFX: STATIC AND BUZZING.
EFFIE
Dear.
ZEBULON
Oh my.
GLORIA
Goddamn it, Leif, enough already!
LEIF
I can’t!
MINSKY
You know what, I’ll choose. Sluggo, take the left arm, please.
EFFIE
Dear!
ZEBULON
Oh my!
SFX: DEAFENING STATIC AND THEN SILENCE.
MINSKY
Sluggo? Francis? What are we waiting for, guys?
SLUGGO
Um… Well, now… This is quite a thing, isn’t it?
AVA
Oh my god.
FRANCIS
Honey, look at you! You look as though my daddy’s tractor had legs!
MINSKY
The fuck is happening?
SLUGGO
And look at you, husband! You look like some kind of a overgrown potato bug!
GLORIA
Holy shit.
LEIF
How’d you guys do that?!
FRANCIS
I do seem to have four arms, don’t I? What do you suppose they’re all for?
MINSKY
What the hell is this?
SLUGGO
I’m unsure, dear… But I can think of what mine are for.
MINSKY
This isn’t the last of me, Leif. You can’t run forev- OW OW OW!
SLUGGO
You have yourself a seat right here, Mr. Fancy Lawyer.
MINSKY
You’re hurting me…
SLUGGO
Don’t try and run now. As you were saying, we’re much faster than we look.
FRANCIS
Indeed. We won a whole three-legged race at the country fair, sir!
SLUGGO
Oh, we did win that race, didn’t we?
FRANCIS
Yes, dear, it was a wonderful time.
SLUGGO
You did so well in that race, Darling.
FRANCIS
Thank you, honey.
SLUGGO
We won a whole pie!
MINSKY
Okay, okay, okay. No need to get out of hand, I’m sure we can come to an agreement.
SLUGGO
Yes, here’s the agreement we’re comin’ to. You’re going to agree that we’re leavin’ and we’re going to agree not to twist your tail off like a crawfish, you understand me?
MINSKY
I understand, I understand!
SLUGGO
Ava. Grab the wireless. Leif, grab that box of yorn. Gloria, please do pick a better dance partner in the future.
GLORIA
Yeah, this was a bad start for me.
SLUGGO
Get gone, y’all.
FRANCIS
One last thing before we depart. Sir, you are employed by evil forces. Please inform them that though we may look like sheep in the field, we are watched over by a mighty force. His name is Jesus Christ. And if you think this is the only trick up his sleeve, I suggest you read of Moses in the land of the Pharaoh.
SLUGGO
Next time, it’ll be the frogs…
SFX: STATIC.
SLUGGO (CONT’D)
Uh… Boss? What’s happening?
FRANCIS
Where did they go?
MINSKY
Who the fuck are these people?
SONG: VALENCIA - TITO SCHIPA.
SFX: COFFEE BEING POURED.
AVA
…Anyway, it’s called Panpsychism, the idea being that each atom has a certain amount of consciousness and when atoms arrange themselves into complicated structures that’s when consciousness as we know it would manifest itself. But look at you guys. Where are the atoms, guys? Where are you?
ZEBULON
We’re right here, Ava.
EFFIE
Ava, any time you want to just start calling them miracles, we’re here for ya’.
AVA
Oh, whatever. Where’s Gloria?
LEIF
She’s in the back I think she was a little shaken up by-
GLORIA
Leif. Outside. Now. Bring the damn box.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
AVA
Ooooooooooooooooo, Leif’s in trouble, ooooooooooooooo-
LEIF
Shut up.
SFX: DOOR CHIME. SOUND OF THE COSMOS SPEEDING PAST THEM.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Gloria, I’m really sorry.
GLORIA
I like both of my arms, Leif, I’m glad I got to keep them.
LEIF
I wouldn’t have let him do that.
GLORIA
How do I know that?
LEIF
What?
GLORIA
As it turns out, you’re a big pile of bullshit.
LEIF
That’s not true.
GLORIA
Ever since I got here, you’re a bullshit pile.
LEIF
No, I’m not.
GLORIA
Why didn’t you tell me about any of this?
LEIF
Because I’m ashamed… Okay? I’m ashamed of it. Everything Minsky said back there was true. I could’ve done something great but I didn’t, because it was too hard. I could’ve fought for the right thing, but it was too hard so I just became a criminal. Then I couldn’t even be a good criminal. I’m ashamed of all that. But I like it here. I like being with you guys. I didn’t tell you because…
GLORIA
Leif. I’m a Taquera in space, I’m running away from a virus, and heartbreak, and bullshit. Ava’s running away from… some kind of misogyny but for smart people, that I don’t really get yet, but suffice to say I’m glad now that I didn’t go to college. God knows what Caspar was running from. But none of us are running from ourselves. Because you can’t. No matter where you go, there you are. So stop with the bullshit, okay? Just be you.
LEIF
Okay.
GLORIA
Now… Open the box, Leif.
LEIF
Actually, I think it’s probably safer if I keep it-
GLORIA
Leif, open the fucking box.
BOX
Please speak security phrase.
LEIF
In 1970, Doc Ellis pitched a no-hitter on LSD.
BOX
Access granted.
GLORIA
What is it, a Rubix Cube?
LEIF
It’s basically a thumb drive but on a quantum level.
GLORIA
What does it do?
LEIF
If I install it in the right system, it destroys The Teds.
GLORIA
Destroys them? All of them?
LEIF
Yes. But here’s the thing… no matter what happens, we can’t use it.
GLORIA
We can’t? Okay… tell me everything.
SFX: DINER SOUNDS FADE REPLACED BY A MASSIVE STREET PARTY.
THE EX
What is this place? It’s crazy!
CASPAR
Red’s Rectangle. It’s a meteor inside a nebula. There’s a bar here Leif used to tell me about. I thought we could go there, ask around, I don’t know, what are you drinking?
THE EX
It’s a margarita but it’s a yard long. They call it a Yarg. Do you want some?
CASPAR
No, why are you drinking it?
THE EX
I can’t help it. I tend to mimic my surroundings. Am I blending in?
CASPAR
There’s like 27 different races here, nobody’s blending in.
THE EX
How about if I do this: “You guys, I’m so hammered right now!”?
CASPAR
Would you help me look for this place, please?
THE EX
Sorry.
MINSKY
Caspar? It’s Caspar, right?
CASPAR
Do I know you?
MINSKY
Sorry, the name’s Minsky, I’m a friend of Leif’s.
CASPAR
You are? Have you seen him? Wait, what kind of friend?
MINSKY
The best kind. The kind that’s concerned for his safety.
CASPAR
Oh yeah?
MINSKY
He’s told me all about you. I heard you got nabbed by The Teds, did you escape?
CASPAR
Yeah, when did he tell you about me?
MINSKY
Don’t worry about it. How about you come with me and we’ll track down Leif?
THE EX
Who’s this guy?
CASPAR
Uh… Y’know I think we’re good, actually. Thanks.
SFX: ROBOTS WALKING.
MINSKY
Caspar. I’ve had a very long day. How about you come with me?
THE EX
And who are THESE guys?
SLUGGO
Hello Caspar.
FRANCIS
Nice to meet you.
MINSKY
Caspar, I’m just going to cut to the chase. You’re going to come with me now and you’re going to help me find Leif.
CASPAR
So this is one of those “Asking me politely but not really asking me” situations.
MINSKY
I’m afraid so.
CASPAR
Here’s the problem-
MINSKY
You won’t have to worry about a thing. You can even take your Sex-bot with you.
THE EX
Excuse me, his WHAT?
MINSKY
No kink-shaming.
THE EX
Hold my Yarg.
CASPAR
What are you doing?
THE EX
HEEEEE-YA!
SFX: SOUND OF THE EX PUNCHING SLUGGO AND SLUGGO FLYING SEVERAL HUNDRED FEET AWAY.
SLUGGO
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG!
CASPAR
Oh my God!
THE EX
You want some?
FRANCIS
Please, no!
THE EX
HEEEEE-YAAAA!
SFX: SOUND OF FRANCIS’ HEAD FLYING OFF OF HIS BODY.
THE EX (CONT’D)
Whoops. His head just flew right off, didn’t it?
CASPAR
Uh huh.
THE EX
I’ll be right back.
SFX: HIGH HEELS RUNNING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE. IN THE BACKGROUND IS THE CONSTANT SOUND OF THE EX BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF SLUGGO.
MINSKY
What the fuck…
CASPAR
So she’s NOT a Sex-bot. And thank God, am I right?
MINSKY
Do you have any idea how much these bots cost?
CASPAR
Listen, she’s going to finish up with your boy any time now and will probably just start in on you when she’s done, so, how about you tell me everything you know, before she beats it out of you?
MINSKY
Who the fuck ARE you people?
THE EX
RiDICulous! ExCUSE! For a TechnoLOGical AdVANCEment!
CASPAR
We run a diner.
END.