Chapter 12: Ted, Just Admit It
SFX: INTERIOR OF A STARSHIP. FOOTSTEPS DOWN A LONG HALLWAY. A ROBOT WALKS IN THE OTHER DIRECTION.
ROBOT SOLDIER
Good evening, Commander.
TED
Yeah, Hi.
SFX: BEEPING.
COMPUTER VOICE
Begin report.
TED
About to begin interrogation of asset. Suggested course of action?
COMPUTER VOICE
Anticipate high levels of anxiety. Anxiety levels should produce desired outcome within 5 minutes.
TED
Okay, but what do I do?
COMPUTER VOICE
Desired Mem-sim file not complete. Use of secondary file suggested.
TED
And then he’s just going to cough up the information?
COMPUTER VOICE
Anxiety levels should produce desired outcome.
TED
Okay, if you say so.
SFX: DOOR SLIDING OPEN AND SHUT.
TED (CONT’D)
Hello, Caspar.
CASPAR
…Hi.
TED
I’m sure you have a lot of questions, have you watched the orientation message yet?
CASPAR
…The what?
SFX: BEEPING. ANNOYING MUSIC.
VOICE
Congratulations, you are are a prisoner of the Ted Empire, the premiere destination for all criminals in the Triad Galactic System. The first day of your incarcerated life begins now. Here in the Ted Empire, you can expect the same level of quality treatment you’ve come to expect from us.
CASPAR
The fuck is this?
VOICE
That’s right, the empire that brought you inter-system hyper-tubes, planetary security systems, and the Ted Entertainment Portal has now incarcerated you. To get started on this amazing journey, please submit to all necessary testing. Non-compliance with testing will result in a trip to deep-cold storage.
TED
Okay? We good?
CASPAR
We good?
TED
I need you to watch something for me.
CASPAR
Who the fuck are you?
TED
We’ll get to that. Watch this please.
SFX: BEEPING.
COMPUTER VOICE
Mem-sim, ready. Playing file.
SONG:
CASPAR
Guys?
SFX: RECORD SCRATCH.
EFFIE
Caspar! Yes, hello. Good morning.
CASPAR
Hi.
EFFIE
How are you?
CASPAR
I’m fine, I talked to you ten minutes ago.
EFFIE
Oh course you did. Yes…
CASPAR
Where’s Zebulon?
ZEBULON
I am here. Hello. How have you been?
CASPAR
I just talked-… Were you just playing Jazz music?
EFFIE
We were not.
CASPAR
Are you sure?
EFFIE
Yes, I don’t know what you mean.
CASPAR
Okay.
ZEBULON
In fact I was just about to put on a bit of “Abide With Me”. Puts a lovely sheen on the morning, wouldn’t you agree, Dear?
EFFIE
Yes, it’s very holy.
ZEBULON
Yes.
SFX: ABIDE WITH ME - OLIVE KLEIN.
EFFIE
Caspar, would you like any of my feelings on our new destination?
CASPAR
I think I’m good. Looks like New Brunswick, New Jersey 2018. Not a lot of surprises in New Brunswick in 2018.
LEIF
Hey. Anybody at all?
CASPAR
No, it looks pretty dead.
LEIF
I’m working on a theory about New Jersey.
CASPAR
There are no theories about New Jersey.
LEIF
This is our third time here with no customers. Maybe we set down here when the diner wants to give us a day off.
CASPAR
Cruel for it to be in New Brunswick.
LEIF
Once is an occurrence, twice is a coincidence, three times is a pattern. This is the third time.
CASPAR
Does this have anything to do with you wanting the day off?
LEIF
It might.
CASPAR
Go ahead, I’m sure I can handle all the nothing that’s currently happening.
LEIF
Sweet.
CASPAR
Effie and Zebulon were listening to Jazz and they don’t want to admit it.
EFFIE
Caspar!
LEIF
(From the kitchen)
Busted.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
CASPAR
Lo and behold. Welcome to Midnight Burger, have a seat anywhere… Ma’am?
AVA
What is this place?
CASPAR
I’m sorry?
AVA
What is this place?
CASPAR
It’s Midnight Burger. It’s a diner.
AVA
Okay…
CASPAR
Why don’t you have a seat at that booth?
AVA
Sure.
ZEBULON
My friends, I wish to speak today on the power of our choices. Though not all be warriors, the Lord hath given us all a sword at birth. A sword to carry with us through our lives. Not for war, not for safety, but a sword that cleaves the path in front of you in twain. A instrument by which one can say “I choose this, and refuse the other”.
EFFIE
One who is given this sword of choice may see themselves as an agent of destiny, carving out the world as we know it by choosing. Perhaps you cut away excess, perhaps you pierce the veil of ignorance, perhaps you strike down those that would use their sword against you.
ZEBULON
But at the end of a life of wielding this mighty sword, it may behoove one to ask “Who was it, gave me this sword? And was their will present within it?”
CASPAR
Coffee?
AVA
Sure.
CASPAR
You live around here?
AVA
Uh, no. I live in Ithaca.
CASPAR
What brings you to town?
AVA
Not sure.
CASPAR
Okay.
LEIF
I’m off. Should be back in plenty of time, I’m not going far. Oh. Hello there.
AVA
Hi.
LEIF
Welcome to Midnight Burger.
AVA
Yeah, thanks.
LEIF
(Aside)
Um, am I still good to-
CASPAR
(Aside)
Yeah, go ahead. Does’t look like she’s going to turn into a lava beast or something.
LEIF
Ok, cool. I’m off to Princeton!
CASPAR
Have fun.
AVA
Who do you know at Princeton?
LEIF
What?
AVA
I have some friends who work there, who do you know at Princeton?
LEIF
Oh, uh, nobody, just y’know… A janitor.
AVA
You know a janitor at Princeton?
LEIF
Buddy of mine, from high school.
AVA
Ok.
LEIF
I’ll be back.
CASPAR
(Aside)
Remember what happens if you’re not back, okay?
LEIF
(Aside)
Don’t worry about it. If I get stuck in a spot, I’ve got a contingency plan.
CASPAR
(Aside)
You do?
LEIF
Don’t worry about it. See you in a few hours.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
AVA
Who was that?
CASPAR
That’s the cook.
AVA
But then who’s going to make my food?
CASPAR
I will.
AVA
You don’t seem like the cooking type.
CASPAR
I’m not, but I’ve heard that New Brunswick is famous for its incredibly low standards so, when in Rome. What can I get you?
AVA
A BLT.
CASPAR
Coming right up.
AVA
Hey, so, help me out with something.
CASPAR
(In the kitchen)
What’s that?
AVA
When I look you up on my phone, you’re not there.
CASPAR
Yeah, uh, that’s not surprising we just opened.
AVA
Oh yeah?
CASPAR
Yeah, it’s not going well.
AVA
My phone does say that something else is here?
CASPAR
… Oh yeah?
AVA
Yes, Elmwood Cemetery.
SFX: PAN DROPPING IN THE KITCHEN.
AVA (CONT’D)
You okay in there?
CASPAR
Yeah. A cemetery huh?
AVA
Yep.
CASPAR
Looks like your phone might not have the most recent data.
AVA
Uh-huh. Hey, do me a favor. When my BLT is ready, bring it to me in the parking lot.
CASPAR
The parking lot?
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
CASPAR (CONT’D) Ma’am?
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Guys. Are we in a cemetery right now?
ZEBULON
We seem to be.
CASPAR
I don’t understand, when I look out the window I just see a street.
ZEBULON
Yes, though to the left and to the right…
CASPAR
Effie, maybe you could’ve given me a heads up about this?
EFFIE
The Lord told me of a quiet place of rest and I thought well…
CASPAR
Fucking hell, you guys.
ZEBULON
Our apologies.
CASPAR
She’s just standing out there in the parking lot waiting for me.
ZEBULON
She does appear to be oddly taking it in stride.
CASPAR
Yeah, okay. Fine. Fuck it. Here we go.
SFX: DOOR CHIME. SOUND OF A NEARBY CITY STREET.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Well, damn. Would you look at that?
AVA
We’re in a cemetery.
CASPAR
Yes, we are. Have you noticed that the presence of smart phones in our lives has greatly reduced our ability to bullshit with each other?
AVA
You have a roadside diner in the middle of a cemetery.
CASPAR
You know, when you don’t pay attention to changing zoning laws, things can-
AVA
You and your friend suffer from whisperers disease.
CASPAR
We suffer from what?
AVA
Whisperers disease. When you whisper you think it takes away everyone else’s ability to hear… I’m glad to know you don’t think I’m going to turn into a lava beast.
CASPAR
Don’t take that personally.
AVA
Your friend has a contingency plan in case he doesn’t make it back in time?
CASPAR
Crime in New Brunswick. The sun goes down, things get bad.
AVA
I’m a theoretical physicist.
CASPAR
Congratulations.
AVA
I would like to know how one of the particular equations in my head led me here.
CASPAR
Lead you here?
AVA
How about you finish making me that BLT and we have a nice chat.
CASPAR
Okay.
SFX: SOMETHING POWERING DOWN. THE SOUND OF THE DINER IS REPLACED BY THE DRONE OF A MASSIVE SPACESHIP.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Why are you showing me my memories?
TED
Where is Dr. Ava Maddox?
CASPAR
Who the fuck are you and where the fuck am I?
TED
You’re on a starship. You’re a prisoner.
CASPAR
The prisoner part was clear. Who are you?
TED
You are currently under arrest by the Ted Empire for operating an unregistered vessel.
CASPAR
Seriously?
TED
Yes.
CASPAR
This is a traffic stop?
TED
I’m afraid it’s much more serious than that.
CASPAR
Since you kidnapped me, I certainly hope so.
TED
You haven’t been kidnapped, you’re being detained.
CASPAR
What’s the difference?
TED
…Honestly not much. What’s the last thing you remember?
CASPAR
We were floating in space. A big ship appeared. There were some storm troopers. I got shot with some sort of ray gun.
TED
It was a stun gun, you’ll be fine.
CASPAR
Okay. The Ted Empire?
TED
That’s correct.
CASPAR
Your planet is called Ted?
TED
That’s right.
CASPAR
And anyone from Ted is called a?
TED
Ted.
CASPAR
You’re the Teds.
TED
I understand that this is a very common name on Earth and that our name may sound very humorous to you, let me assure you we’ve heard all the jokes.
CASPAR
Oh, I bet I can find some new ones.
TED
Can you tell me the whereabouts of a Dr. Ava Maddox?
CASPAR
No.
TED
You’re not going to tell me?
CASPAR
I’m new to this but I’m guessing being held captive on a prison barge means that I shouldn’t give up any information.
TED
It’s not a prison barge it’s a military vessel.
CASPAR
And you say I’m here why?
TED
You’re under arrest for operating an unlicensed warp-capable vessel.
CASPAR
The diner?
TED
I know you call it that, but to us it’s a vessel.
CASPAR
It’s really not though.
TED
It’s capable of traveling temporally, dimensionally and spatially, is that correct?
CASPAR
Yeah.
TED
And how is that not a vessel?
CASPAR
Because there’s a neon sign outside that says “Eat”.
TED
Clear that up for me, why do you have a sign outside that says “Eat”?
CASPAR
To let people know we’re a diner and not a vessel.
TED
Are you reminding people to eat?
CASPAR
We’re letting people know what we do, for example there should be a neon sign outside this ship saying “Detaining people for bullshit nonsense.”
TED
I urge you to take this seriously.
CASPAR
Oh really, Ted? Are you urging me?
TED
Don’t call me Ted.
CASPAR
No, I’m calling you Ted, you’re Ted now. Why were you showing me one of my memories, Ted?
TED
We’ll get to that in a second. Do you know what happens to people who don’t comply with questioning?
CASPAR
According to the terrifying woman in that video they get put in deep-cold storage, I’m assuming that’s some sort of suspended animation?
TED
That’s right.
CASPAR
Well you’re threatening an Earthling with a nap, let me tell you how that’s going to go.
TED
Can you tell me what these are?
SFX: THUD OF A LARGE STACK OF NOTES ON THE TABLE.
CASPAR
Are those Ava’s notes?
TED
These are the notes of Dr. Ava Maddox.
CASPAR
Why do you have them?
TED
We need to know where she is.
CASPAR
I would strongly advise against that.
TED
Why?
CASPAR
Because you took her notes, and they are the only thing she cares about in the multi-verse, which means that she’s marked your whole civilization for genocide. And if there’s anyone who can pull it off-
TED
According to our records she’s been aboard your vessel for some time and yet when we showed up, she was gone.
CASPAR
According to your records?
TED
That’s right.
CASPAR
Why do you have records on her?
TED
We have extensive records on you, her, Leif, the new girl Gloria, and whatever that talking box of yours is.
CASPAR
You do?
TED
Yes.
CASPAR
Why is that?
TED
It’s our mission.
CASPAR
It’s your mission to collect records on us?
TED
That’s part of our mission.
CASPAR
Oh, wait I know what this is.
TED
You do?
CASPAR
We ran into this robot a while back named Boofar. Boofar said that there were people out there looking for us, that our “vessel” was a kind of “white whale” that a lot of civilizations look for. A “white whale” is a-
TED
I know what a white whale is.
CASPAR
So is that what this is? You’re on some sort of science mission? You’re going to tag my ear?
TED
This isn’t a science mission it’s a military operation. We’re looking for Dr. Ava Maddox. You need to tell me where she is.
CASPAR
Uh… nope. No, I don’t.
TED
You seem unusually calm for someone who’s in so much danger.
CASPAR
This is actually the safest I’ve felt in a long time.
TED
I can turn you into an ice cube at the drop of a hat.
CASPAR
Well the jokes on you, because you’re not wearing a hat.
TED
Caspar, goddamnit-
SFX: DOOR SLIDING OPEN.
TED (CONT’D)
What is it?!
ROBOT SOLDIER
We have detected a vessel.
TED
Good for you!
ROBOT SOLDIER
Shall we set course to intercept?
TED
What were the orders I gave you an hour ago?
ROBOT SOLDIER
Intercept all vessels in the quadrant.
TED
And we’re having this conversation why?
ROBOT SOLDIER …
SFX: DOOR SLIDING CLOSED.
CASPAR
Lot of robots on board?
TED
It’s all robots on board.
CASPAR
You’re a robot?
TED
I’m… not me, I’m not a robot, everyone else is.
CASPAR
I see… You’re speaking English.
TED
Yes.
CASPAR
So was the lady in the video. Does everyone speak English on Ted, Ted?
TED
Everyone who serves aboard this ship is required to speak English.
CASPAR
You’re the only one who serves on this ship, Ted.
TED
I mean, if anyone else were to serve on this ship they would have to speak English.
CASPAR
Do you think about that a lot? Finally having someone else to talk to?
TED
I have someone to talk to right now and it sucks. So, no.
CASPAR
Speaking English, that’s a specific requirement.
TED
We have a specific mission.
CASPAR
What’s that?
TED
Right now it’s finding Dr. Ava Maddox.
CASPAR
Okay. When you were abducting me did you think to look for her between the cushions in the booths, because things get stuck down there.
TED
Can we-
CASPAR
Spare change, your favorite pen, an ambassador one time-
TED
I was hoping that this interrogation would go smoothly.
CASPAR
Well it’s good to have a dream.
TED
Did you think I was kidding about deep cold storage?
CASPAR
I think the problem there is, I have no idea what it is. Describe it to me, really paint a picture that will help me feel the fear you’re going for.
TED
We freeze you in a block of chemical ice where you will be semi-conscious, forever, until we decide to thaw you out.
CASPAR
Are meals provided?
TED
It’s suspended animation, there are no meals.
CASPAR
Okay, I have a clear picture now but, no, still not doing it for me.
TED
I see.
CASPAR
Being semi-conscious doesn’t sound so bad. Some people work their whole lives to get semi-conscious have you even met a Buddhist or an EDM artist?
TED
There are other things-
CASPAR
Yes, I’m sure there are other things you can do to me, I’m sure you have a pain stick or something.
TED
No, but we can make one.
CASPAR
OR, how about you share some information with me. Maybe it’ll put me in a sharing mood. Make that Stockholm Syndrome kick in. Stockholm Syndrome is a-
TED
I know what Stockholm Syndrome is.
CASPAR
Okay. Hey. Start there. You’re an alien from another planet, where’d you get all your Earth knowledge from?
TED
It’s my job, I’m an Earth Expert.
CASPAR
An Earth Expert? That sounds like a terrible job.
TED
It is.
CASPAR
And how did this become your chosen profession?
TED
We don’t choose professions on Ted, we’re assigned professions according to our skill set.
CASPAR
How inspiring. What was the skill that got you this job?
TED
A high tolerance for idiocy.
CASPAR
Yeah, you’d definitely need some of that studying Earth. I mean, World War I alone.
TED
Actually my favorite is the Bucket War.
CASPAR
The what?
TED
In Italy. Two provinces, Modena and Bologna. Modena stole the bucket from the well in Bologna. So they went to war. Two thousand people died.
CASPAR
Wow. You know, I know that sounds ridiculous but when you find a REALLY good bucket-
TED
My favorite part is that, to this day, you can still go to Modena and see the bucket displayed as a point of pride. Two-thousand people dead, over a bucket, and they’re bragging about it. That’s what it’s like studying Earth.
CASPAR
You don’t seem too happy with your career placement.
TED
It’s better than the alternative.
CASPAR
Doesn’t sound like there is an alternative.
TED
Earth, for example. When a child is born on Earth you tell them “When you grow up, you can be anything you want to be.” You don’t tell them that, along with that statement, comes a gigantic obligation to actually be something. So they go out into the world to “be something” and realize that there are multiple barriers standing in the way of them “being” anything at all. And then they beat their head against the wall for a while and finally end up settling for whatever the status quo demands they do. And when they finally do give up, because they were told “you can be whatever you want to be”, it’s then their fault that they didn’t end up being anything. I’ll take my system over yours.
CASPAR
That’s pretty dark, Ted.
TED
But the music’s nice on Earth.
CASPAR
That’s true.
TED
Some of it.
CASPAR
That’s… true.
TED
So, there. I gave you some information, can we get back to the matter at hand?
CASPAR
And what was that again?
TED
Where is Dr. Ava Maddox?
CASPAR
Right. That. The memory you showed me, that’s pretty fancy technology.
TED
It’s called a Mem-Sim. We can re-enact most memories.
CASPAR
Mem-Sim? Are we sure about that name?
TED
I don’t know, I’m not a naming expert, I’m an Earth expert.
CASPAR
Well why didn’t you just use this unfortunately named technology to get the information out of my head?
TED
We’re working on it. The simulations take a while to put together. In the meantime I thought I’d come in here and try and cut to the chase rather than wait.
CASPAR
I see. So the information you want from me, you’re going to get it anyway, but you want to get it faster?
TED
Yes.
CASPAR
Because it’d be more convenient for you.
TED
That’s right.
CASPAR
Well, I’m sure I’m going to be very helpful, then.
TED
Deep-cold storage, Caspar.
CASPAR
Why did you show me that memory? That was her first day at the diner, why show me that?
TED
Why do you think?
CASPAR
Oh, is it quiz time?
TED
Sure.
CASPAR
Okay um… um um um um… oh! She found the diner.
TED
Using a mathematical equation, she found your vessel. We would like to know that equation.
CASPAR
Her notes aren’t enough?
TED
No.
CASPAR
Huh… How fast does this ship go?
TED
Caspar.
CASPAR
Just curious.
TED
It doesn’t matter how fast it goes.
CASPAR
But it matters to me, Ted. I’m trying to make a point.
TED
Like most ships in The Triad we travel mostly through tubes.
CASPAR
Tubes?
TED
Warp tubes. They’re set up throughout the three systems. You fly through a tube it sends you from one place to another through spatial distortion. Like a highway.
CASPAR
And you said “The Triad”?
TED
Playing dumb isn’t going to get you anywhere, Caspar.
CASPAR
I don’t know what The Triad is.
TED
It’s my understanding you’ve been aboard your vessel for quite some time, you have no idea what The Triad is?
CASPAR
I may zip all around the cosmos but ironically I don’t get out much.
TED
Three galaxies. The Milky Way, Andromeda, and Triangulum. They’re all connected through a series of several thousand warp tubes.
CASPAR
Like a highway.
TED
Yes.
CASPAR
And who built this highway?
TED
We did.
CASPAR
Aha. So if anyone in these three galaxies wants to go anywhere, they have to talk to you?
TED
That’s right.
CASPAR
I imagine that gives the Ted Empire quite a lot of power.
TED
It does.
CASPAR
And it must be very frustrating for you when you encounter something that can travel without using one of your tubes.
TED
…Where is Dr. Ava Maddox?
CASPAR
Y’know, it’s funny. You’re an advanced civilization with deep-cold storage and spaceships and Mem-sims and intergalactic highways and you are desperate to find a scientist from a planet who’s greatest technological achievement is a phone with a camera on it. That’s odd, isn’t it?
TED
Okay… we’re done for for now, please enjoy several hours of Ted Empire propaganda.
CASPAR
Is there popcorn?
SFX: DOOR SLIDES OPEN AND CLOSED. ANNOYING MUSIC PLAYS AGAIN.
VOICE
The Ted Empire, we’re not just the empire that carries your friends and family across The three galaxies, we’re also the empire that keeps your planet safe when you’ve finally come home with our new and improved orbital plasma cannons…
SFX: BEEPING.
COMPUTER VOICE
Begin report.
TED
About to begin second interrogation session. Remember when you said heightened anxiety levels would produce the desired outcome? That was fun.
COMPUTER VOICE
Please reduce sarcasm levels.
TED
What are your suggestions?
COMPUTER VOICE
Psychological profile suggests using a forceful tone.
TED
A forceful tone? I threatened to freeze him in a block of chemical ice, but a forceful tone is going to do it?
COMPUTER VOICE
According to psychological profile.
TED
Is this the same psychological profile that said this would be over in five minutes?
COMPUTER VOICE
Daily sarcasm allowance exceeded.
TED
Oh, to hell with it. Fine. Forceful tone.
SFX: VOICE FADES BACK IN AGAIN AS WELL AS THE SOUND OF CASPAR SNORING.
VOICE
… And soon, when the Billius sector Dyson Sphere is complete, we’ll be able to construct a next generation Ubertube™ that will be able to send your starships to several luxurious and highly profitable sectors in ports outside The Triad-
SFX: DOOR SLIDES OPEN AND CLOSED.
TED
Rise and shine.
CASPAR
Heeeeeeey!
TED
I’m impressed, we design our propaganda so no one can sleep through it.
CASPAR
I do live to impress you, Ted.
TED
Would you like some coffee?
CASPAR
Yeah, I’d love some.
TED
Good, we don’t have any.
CASPAR
Well played.
TED
Where is Dr. Ava Maddox?
SFX: AVA’S NOTES THUMP DOWN ON THE TABLE.
CASPAR
You keep bringing her notes in here, I know you have them, you don’t have to keep bringing them in here.
TED
Yeah, I’ll keep that in mind. Where is Dr. Ava Maddox?
CASPAR
You don’t have to keep saying her full name, I’m pretty sure I know who you’re talking about.
TED
Caspar, where is she, goddamnit!
CASPAR
Why is there yelling now?
TED
I made this as easy as I could, now it’s time for yelling!
CASPAR
Okay, then!
TED
You want to be our prisoner forever!
CASPAR
I don’t know! What are your prisons like!
TED
A block of ice!
CASPAR
I feel like we’ve gone over this before!
TED
We have!
CASPAR
Okay!
TED
… Fuck this.
CASPAR
… Did you try to come in here guns blazing? Is that what happened, Ted?
TED
Yes.
CASPAR
Your heart wasn’t in it.
TED
I know.
CASPAR
A for effort, though.
TED
Where is Dr. Ava Maddox?
CASPAR
Baja California.
TED
No, she’s not.
CASPAR
No, she’s not.
TED
I know I can get this information from you.
CASPAR
Well, while you’re changing tactics, I’ve been watching your propaganda for several hours, would you like my thoughts?
TED
No.
CASPAR
Here are my thoughts. You guys suck. You have your finger in every pie in three galaxies. Transportation, planetary security, banking, agriculture. You guys control all of it.
TED
We don’t control anything, we sell very effective products.
CASPAR
Lot of choice in the marketplace, a lot of healthy competition?
TED
No, but that’s not our fault.
CASPAR
So, I’m trying to figure out where I fit in to all this, I mean, I’m just a guy. Then I realized, if I controlled everything it would really piss me off if there was suddenly something that I couldn’t control. Like say a diner that can traverse space, time, and dimension.
TED
Look at you, you figured it all out.
CASPAR
And this whole ship, your job is to be the Midnight Burger-hunter.
TED
Yes.
CASPAR
Which is why everyone speaks English.
TED
Yes, because for some reason the most powerful artifact in existence is completely populated with residents of the most back-water dumbshit-factory in the universe! Fucking Earthlings.
CASPAR
So you’re trying to track down the diner because what? It’s embarrassing?
TED
Yes! It’s incredibly embarrassing! You know what we have to do to make one warp gate? We have to harness the power of an entire star. We black out an entire solar system just so we can go a few million light-years. And then YOU assholes go shooting through the system without harnessing anything, doing good deeds, asking people if they’d like to hear the specials!
CASPAR
Where’s the harm in that?
TED
Because you make people imagine something better. And that’s bad business for us. So they commissioned this ship to hunt down Midnight Burger, harness its power and if we can’t do that, destroy it!
CASPAR
Wow. An entire empire of hall monitors.
TED
Just tell me where she is, Caspar.
CASPAR
Ted. No.
TED
Caspar, look. I want to keep your people safe. If you work with me, I can assure that happens.
CASPAR
Safe from what? Not being found?
SFX: BEEPING.
TED
Do you see this image?
CASPAR
It looks like wind chimes.
TED
It’s- I know it looks like wind chimes, it’s not wind chimes.
CASPAR
I mean it REALLY looks like wind chimes-
TED
It’s a space station. It just went on line. It’s emanating a field. Brand new technology. As long as this station is emanating its field, the diner is going to be trapped in our territory. It’s only a matter of time before it’s ours.
CASPAR
In your territory?
TED
That’s right.
CASPAR
Which is three galaxies?
TED
Yes.
CASPAR
And how many trillions of light years is that?
TED
…It’s a lot.
CASPAR
It’s a whole lot.
TED
You have to admit, it’s less that’s what it was, though.
CASPAR
So your master plan that spells out imminent doom is that you’ve gone from have no chance of finding us to having what? A .0001% chance of finding us?
TED
I hate my job.
CASPAR
Of course you do, Ted. According to you, you’ve been doing it since the day you were born.
SFX: BEEPING.
COMPUTER VOICE
Coffee.
SFX: COFFEE POURING. CUP BEING SET ON TABLE.
CASPAR
Thanks.
TED
It tastes terrible apparently, we don’t know how to make it.
CASPAR
Thanks?
TED
You’re not acting in accordance with your psychological profile.
CASPAR
I’m noticing that.
TED
We thought you’d be wracked with anxiety if you were away from your vessel.
CASPAR
It’s a diner.
TED
What’s going on?
CASPAR
I don’t know. Is it possible there’s something comforting about being a prisoner?
TED
At first, maybe.
CASPAR
Look, Ted, I know you’re upset, but it’s like you said, your stupidly-named device-
TED
Mem-sim.
CASPAR
Right, that one. Any second now it’ll suck the memory out of my head and I’ll be useless to you.
TED
We’re having problems with your brain.
CASPAR
Preach, sister.
TED
They’re saying it’s because of all the time travel. It’s effected your brain. The older memories are easy to get to but not the newer ones.
CASPAR
Sounds like that’s giving me all sorts of tumors. That’ll be fun one day.
TED
So until they figure it out the only choice-
CASPAR
I’m not going to tell you-
TED
I know. I know alright? Enough already.
CASPAR
Oof, Ted your coffee’s terrible. Pull up a chair, let’s talk. I’ll talk about anything you want to talk about except for the thing you want to talk about. C’mon, you’ve been chasing the diner around for God knows how long, you’ve got to have questions. Have some terrible coffee.
TED
Coffee’s poisonous to a Ted.
CASPAR
It shows.
TED
I have a question.
CASPAR
Here we go.
TED
Babba Yaga’s Hut.
CASPAR
What?
TED
According to my records you made several stops in Eastern Europe, 15th and 16th century?
CASPAR
Oh right. We spent some time there.
TED
Doing what?
CASPAR
There were a lot of Jews fleeing the Spanish Inquisition at the time, we gave them coffee and food on their way.
TED
That didn’t seem strange to them?
CASPAR
Well, no one was really drinking coffee in Europe at the time so yeah, it was a little strange.
TED
I mean for 15th century jews to see a diner along the road.
CASPAR
Yeah, it was strange. So they called it Babba Yaga’s hut. It’s an old folktale. There’s this old witch, she has this hut with giant chicken legs and it can magically take you wherever you want.
TED
So they looked at your diner and saw a hut with chicken legs.
CASPAR
Yeah, I guess. They saw what they needed to see.
TED
So my question is, how do you know you’re not doing the same thing? How do you know you’re not seeing a diner because that’s what you need to see?
CASPAR
I don’t know, Ted. You’ve been forced from birth to study a planet you hate and you insist that that’s a good thing. How do you know you’re not seeing what you want to see? Travel around the cosmos enough and the most common thing that you’ll see is someone looking at something they can’t explain and seeing something they need to see. So yeah, it’s possible, my question is: what difference does it make?
TED
How do you do that? How do you just swim in ambiguity like that? Flying around in a magical diner and you never stop for a second and say “Hey, what the fuck?” You just shrug your shoulders?
CASPAR
Doesn’t every line of questioning eventually lead to shrugging your shoulders. Issac Newton is like “Guys, check it out, gravity.” And everyone’s like “Cool, why’s it there?” Shrug.
TED
I think we’ve figured out that particular shrug.
CASPAR
But then there’s another shrug after that, and another shrug and another shrug and another shrug. Turtles all the way down. “Turtles all the way down.” What’s the reference? C’mon, Earth expert.
TED
Uh, the Regress Argument in Epistemology.
CASPAR
Boom. You would crush on Jeopardy.
TED
My people don’t like the regress argument.
CASPAR
Oh, you mean the argument that says you can never really know anything? That’s because you come from a planet of smartypants knowitalls. Look at you out here.
You’re trying to chase down this thing you can’t explain, when you catch it you’re going to try and explain it and if you can’t you’re going to what?
TED
Destroy it.
CASPAR
Blow it up, Ted. That’s hilarious. “I can’t explain this thing, so I must destroy it.” Are you sure you’re not human?
TED
It says in your file you worked at the Department of Motor Vehicles.
CASPAR
Yeah, that’s right.
TED
What did you do there?
CASPAR
Y’know, you take a number and come up to the counter. I was that guy.
TED
Not a high skilled job.
CASPAR
I don’t know. You’ve got to know what you’re doing.
TED
It’s not the kind of job where you would encounter the Regress Argument.
CASPAR
No. But there was a lot of shrugging. “How’re you going to pay that fine?” Shrug. I guess I picked it up somewhere on the diner.
TED
How long have you been there?
CASPAR
I don’t remember. I walked in the door one day, turned on the radio and it was all a blur until Leif showed up. Other people made me notice the time. Little did I know you were out there the entire time trying to track us down in your Mystery Machine …Hey, wait a minute. You were there. You found us. You kidnapped me, you took Ava’s notes, why’d you leave? The goal was to catch us, right?
TED
Leif.
CASPAR
Leif?
TED
We have a bit of history with Leif. He was anticipating us.
CASPAR
Anticipating you how?
TED
He had a Purple Nullifier.
CASPAR
What kind of Willy Wonka candy is that?
TED
It’s a bomb. A very dangerous one.
CASPAR
Leif had a fucking bomb in the diner? Get the fuck out of here, Leif would never do that.
TED
Let me show you one of my memories.
SFX: KEYPAD BEEPING.
COMPUTER VOICE
Mem-sim ready.
TED
Roll 212.
SFX: MEM-SIM POWERING UP.
ROBOT SOLDIER
Please remain calm, no sudden movements.
SFX: ROBOTS MOVING INTO THE DINER.
LEIF
You fucking people? Are you kidding me?!
TED
Leif, I need you to remain calm! We’re not here to hurt anyone!
LEIF
Does that include the one you just put on the ground?!
GLORIA
What did they do to Caspar?
EFFIE
What is the meaning of these Jack-Boots!
ZEBULON
Such wanton violence has no place here!
TED
Caspar’s going to be fine. Nobody needs to get hurt. Leif, I need you to lead your people out of this diner peacefully-
LEIF
I have a Purple Nullifier.
TED
… Leif, stop fucking around.
LEIF
I’ve got my hand on the switch right now.
TED
Bullshit.
LEIF
Fine.
SFX: SOUND OF THE PURPLE NULLIFIER.
ROBOT SOLDIER
Purple Nullifier identified.
GLORIA
Leif, what is that?
TED
Leif, stay calm. You use that and you kill all your friends.
GLORIA
Uh, WHAT?! Leif!
LEIF
I know that. But I also know that Teds follow the rules. And what are the rules for a Purple Nullifier?
TED
…
LEIF
Come on…
TED
Make concessions and fall back.
LEIF
Exactly. So get going.
GLORIA
I don’t remember going over bombs at the STAFF MEETING!
LEIF
Trust me.
TED
… Leif.
LEIF
You think I wasn’t expecting you at some point?
ROBOT SOLDIER
There is no sign of the doctor.
TED
Fucking goddamnit, Leif.
LEIF
Get out. Now.
GLORIA
…yeah. Get out. He’s not afraid to use whatever that thing is. You think we aren’t afraid to meet our maker, we hang out with a pastor all day.
ZEBULON
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil for thou art with me.
EFFIE
I’d be might interested to see what Saint Peter has to say about you all. Let’s head up and see him.
TED
You people are fucking crazy… Fall back. Grab Caspar and grab the notes. This isn’t over, Leif.
LEIF
It absolutely isn’t over.
SFX: MEM-SIM POWERING DOWN.
CASPAR
Fucking asshole. He had a fucking bomb in the diner.
TED
It’s not just a bomb. When a Purple Nullifier is activated it turns everything in a 500 meter radius into purple goo. Hence the name.
CASPAR
Are you sure he wasn’t making that up? It sounds made up.
TED
I’ve seen them. It’s not pretty. And we know that he has one.
CASPAR
So he threatened to take out everyone, you guys included?
TED
That’s right.
CASPAR
Who the fuck have I been working with?
TED
Leif’s worn a lot of hats since he left Earth. You think he was on board your diner because he liked making hamburgers?
CASPAR
Yes!
TED
That says a lot about you. Here, I’ll show you his rap sheet.
SFX: BEEPING.
TED (CONT’D)
Here’s his dossier. This is a list of all his offenses across all systems. It’ll scroll like this for about five minutes.
CASPAR
Oh, come on. “Impersonating a baker”!
TED
That’s illegal in three systems.
CASPAR
He told me he was a cook.
TED
He was, for a while, but then he started working for someone very dangerous named Låfftrex, that’s where he racked up all these offenses. We thought he had gotten out of the game or had been killed because we hadn’t heard from him for a very long time. Then our intelligence comes back that he found his way on board your vessel. The perfect place to disappear.
CASPAR
But then he left for a while and came back.
TED
Yeah. We’re not sure what that was about.
CASPAR
Goddamn.
TED
Anyway… when we knew we couldn’t take the diner, we thought taking the doctor and her notes would be a good consolation prize.
CASPAR
But she wasn’t there so you took me instead.
TED
Yes.
CASPAR
Well at least you got her notes. Should be good enough, right?
TED
…
CASPAR
What?
TED
We can’t read her notes.
CASPAR
Whaaaaat? Seriously?
TED
They’re written in code. A code we can’t seem to decipher.
CASPAR
No.
TED
It’s a code without numerical values, it just looks like squiggly lines.
CASPAR
Wow. Ted. This is a serious own goal for you guys.
TED
Not if you tell us where she is.
CASPAR
I mean, you finally catch the thing you’ve been chasing, but you get scared off by a bomb threat that, let’s be real, was probably a lie. THEN you decided you’ll take the scientist, WHO WASNT THERE, and THEN you decide to take her notes WHICH YOU CANT READ. In a panic move you grab me instead who, let’s be real again, is the most worthless member of the Midnight Burger staff. At least Gloria could’ve taught you Spanish.
TED
You’re not worthless if you can tell me where she is.
SFX: DISTANT EXPLOSION.
CASPAR
… What was that?
TED
Nothing, I’m sure it’s fine.
CASPAR
An explosion? On a Space ship? You’re sure it’s fine?
TED
It’s fine.
CASPAR
… Is it though?
TED
I’ll be right back.
CASPAR
Yeah, Check on that.
SFX: DOOR SLIDING OPEN AND SHUT.
COMPUTER VOICE
Mem-sim ready.
CASPAR
Oh yeah?… Play file, roll file, show me the file.
CLIP: SCENE BETWEEN CASPAR AND AVA RIGHT BEFORE HE SHOVES HER INTO DEEP SPACE.
SFX: MEM-SIM POWERING DOWN.
SFX: BEEPING.
COMPUTER VOICE
File deleted.
SFX: DOOR SLIDING OPEN AND SHUT.
CASPAR
Everything okay? Were you guys trying that Diet Coke and Mentos thing?
TED
Nobody’s out there.
SFX: BEEPING.
TED (CONT’D)
Bridge, what was that sound?
SFX: STATIC.
TED (CONT’D) Bridge?
CASPAR
I have some experience with this. There’s nothing more ominous than static.
SFX: DOOR SLIDES OPEN. THREE ROBOTS WALKING.
TED
Hey, you three! What’s going on?
ROBOT SOLDIER
Intruder alert, deck 12.
TED
Intruder? Who is it?
ROBOT SOLDIER
Intruder unidentified.
TED
Well go find out and report back to me.
SFX: ANOTHER DISTANT EXPLOSION
TED (CONT’D)
What the hell?
ROBOT SOLDIER
Please remain inside.
SFX: DOOR SLIDES SHUT.
TED
Who’s here, Caspar?
CASPAR
I don’t fucking know.
TED
Is this a rescue attempt?
CASPAR
Seriously?!
TED
What else could it be?!
CASPAR
I don’t know, man. Does anybody know where I am?
TED
No.
CASPAR
Well then this is probably a You problem.
TED
Is there anyone that wants you dead?
CASPAR
Absolutely. Most things!
TED
This wouldn’t be Leif, it’s not his style.
CASPAR
Of course it’s not Leif, I still don’t believe you about him, the guy collects baseball cards.
TED
Shit. I know who it could be.
CASPAR
Uh-oh. Who is it? Is it The Mandalorian?
TED
Låfftrex.
CASPAR
Låfftrex, who is this Låfftrex?
TED
A pirate.
CASPAR
A space pirate, Ted.
TED
Yes, a space pirate.
CASPAR
Oh, man. You know it’s never lost on me how dumb it can get out here.
TED
Låfftrex is incredibly dangerous.
CASPAR
Well if it is Låfftrex, you’re fine, they’re probably just after your Spanish Gold!
TED
We’re leaving, let’s go.
CASPAR
What? Why?
SFX: DOOR OPENING.
TED
Let’s go.
CASPAR
The robots said stay here.
TED
The robots are idiots, let’s go!
CASPAR
Fine.
SFX: LASERS FIRING.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Oh shit!
TED
This way!
SFX: FOOTSTEPS IN THE HALLWAY.
ROBOT SOLDIER
Drop your weapon. Do not come any closer.
SFX: ROBOT BEING DESTROYED BY LASER.
TED
Goddamn it, those things are worthless.
CASPAR
Where are we going!?
TED
This way.
CASPAR
We can’t run away on a space ship.
TED
In here.
SFX: AIRLOCK.
CASPAR
What’s that?
TED
Escape pod, get in.
CASPAR
You really want to spend more time with me?
TED
There’s only room for one, get in.
CASPAR
What? Why aren’t there more escape pods?
TED
Yeah, let’s put a bunch of escape pods right by the holding cells, great idea.
CASPAR
What are you going to do?
TED
Here, take the notes. The pod will send out a beacon and you’ll get picked up by another Ted ship, they’ll figure it out from there.
CASPAR
Ted, no, don’t do this, you’re going to get killed.
TED
If you had told me where The Doctor is I wouldn’t have to! Feel bad now?! Good!
CASPAR
Ted.
TED
When they find you, I suggest you tell them where the doctor is. The trap’s already been sprung on the diner, Caspar, it’s only a matter of time before we catch it now.
CASPAR
Ted, I tossed her into space.
TED
What you are talking about?
CASPAR
I swear. She put the diner in danger so I put her in a space suit and launched her off the edge of the parking lot into deep space. I don’t think she made it back. I think I may have killed her.
TED
Why did you just tell me that?
CASPAR
Now you don’t need me. Get in the escape pod, Ted. I’ll be fine.
TED
Why did you just tell me that, whoever’s attacking us is going to kill you.
CASPAR
The thing about your life being in danger… What if you think you deserve it?… Keeping the notes though!
SFX: TED BEING SHOVED INTO THE ESCAPE POD.
TED
Caspar!
SFX: AIRLOCK CLOSING.
TED (CONT’D)
(Behind the glass)
You motherfucker! Open the airlock!
CASPAR
This is good, Ted. There’s very few things worth sacrificing your life for. How do you launch it? Is it the red button?
TED
You piece of shit!
CASPAR
Okay, red button, here we go!
SFX: ESCAPE POD BLASTING INTO SPACE.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Nice guy.
SFX: LASER FIRE HAS SUBSIDED. HIGH HEELED SHOES WALKING AROUND THE CORNER.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Låfftrex the Pirate, huh? How does one walk the plank in space?
SFX: FOOTSTEPS APPROACH THEN STOP.
THE EX
Hello, Caspar.
CASPAR
You?!
THE END