Chapter 9: Solitary, Poor, Nasty, Brutish, and Short
SONG: SMITH’S SACRED SINGERS, LIFE’S RAILWAY TO HEAVEN.
LEIF
So tell me honestly... what do you think of my cooking?
GLORIA
Ooh, Leif, I don’t know. I mean, how honest do we want to get here?
LEIF
Oh, come on!
GLORIA
I’m kidding, I think you’re a great cook.
LEIF
Thank you.
GLORIA
For an engineer.
LEIF
Goddamn it.
GLORIA
I don’t understand, you’re an engineer, why have you been wandering around the universe working as a cook?
LEIF
It’s the curse of being an Earthling.
GLORIA
What do you mean?
LEIF
I think I mentioned this before, to most spacefaring civilizations Earth is kind of uh....
GLORIA
The other side of the tracks?
LEIF
Yeah. A lot of star cruisers rolling up their windows as they drive past us, if you know what I mean.
GLORIA
That’s hilarious.
LEIF
If you own a spaceship you’re not going to trust your Helical Accelerator to the guy whose entire planet is still fueled by setting shit on fire.
GLORIA
But they trust you to cook?
LEIF
That’s the hilarious part. No matter where I go, people love Earth food.
GLORIA
They do? Why?
LEIF
Because it’s so wildly irresponsible. Think about it, Earth food, it’s really bad for you. How much of what’s on your food even needs to be there?
GLORIA
But that’s how you make it taste good.
LEIF
Which makes sense to you and me, but for most alien races it’s this bizarre, foreign concept.
GLORIA
Get the fuck out of here.
LEIF
Some aliens will take vacations on Earth just for the food.
GLORIA
Even though they think it’s a shit hole?
LEIF
Didn’t you have friends who would go on vacation in third world countries and then they would come back and talk about what a mess the whole country was and “oh my God it’s so dirty” and then they would say-
GLORIA
“But the food was amazing!”
LEIF
Exactly. That’s us. That’s Earth.
GLORIA
We’re the third world country?
LEIF
One-hundred percent. Haven’t you ever wondered why there’s so many weirdos eating at roadside diners?
GLORIA
They’re aliens?
LEIF
Nine times out of ten.
GLORIA
So I was feeding aliens way before I came here.
LEIF
No doubt about it.
GLORIA
HA!
CASPAR
Hey, guys. What’s going on?
GLORIA
Leif was just telling me that Earth is basically East St. Louis.
CASPAR
It’s true, Earth is the bar in Roadhouse before Patrick Swayze shows up.
GLORIA
Well, look at us hoodrats.
CASPAR
Where’s Ava?
GLORIA
Out in the parking lot again.
LEIF
She’s been like this for three days now, maybe we should do something?
GLORIA
How do you think that would go?
CASPAR
We found a dead Russian scientist in the deep freeze, Leif. It kind of spooked her. Just let her be spooked.
GLORIA
On the bright side, Effie and Zebulon have been back to normal for the past few days.
CASPAR
I know, it’s been nice. We should get one of those signs that says “This many days since an accident”.
LEIF
Yeah, except ours would say “This many day since your sentient radio quoted the Egyptian Book of the Dead, switched personalities, or steered you into a supermassive black hole.”
CASPAR
... That’s way too long for a sign, Leif.
GLORIA
Yeah, Leif, that’s way too long.
LEIF
I was kidding.
ZEBULON
My friends, we are growing close to our destination, I trust we are prepared.
CASPAR
Prepared as we can be, Zeb.
GLORIA
Hey, Effie, any visions of our destination?
ZEBULON
Ah... yes, well, actually my wife has fallen quite ill and could not join me at this time.
GLORIA
Oh no.
CASPAR
What?
ZEBULON
Yes, she has quite the fever at the moment. She has yet to be freed from it.
LEIF
That sounds serious.
GLORIA
Does she need to see a doctor?
ZEBULON
I’m afraid the nearest doctor is many miles away. It may be unwise in her infirmed state to take her on such a long journey.
She’s sleeping now, hopefully when she awakes her fever will have broken.
GLORIA
When I was a kid my mom used to give me really spicy soup to sweat it out of me, do you have anything like that?
ZEBULON
I’m afraid we don’t indulge in such immoderations.
GLORIA
Oh, the whites.
CASPAR
Let us know when she wakes up, Zeb.
ZEBULON
I will indeed, until then we will have to make do with one Mucklewain, though it does feel strange to be sat in front of the microphone without her.
LEIF
I’m sure she’ll be okay.
CASPAR
I’m going to go check on Ava.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
CASPAR (CONT'D)
Oh, hey.
AVA
Almost time?
CASPAR
Yeah, almost time.
AVA
I’m at my booth.
LEIF
I’m going to go fire up the grill.
CASPAR
How are you?
AVA
Fine. You?
CASPAR
Effie’s sick, she has a fever.
AVA
Huh.
CASPAR
That’s never happened before.
AVA
Nothing a little prayer won’t fix, I’m sure.
CASPAR
Okay. So it’s going to be like this?
AVA
Like what?
CASPAR
Nothing. Do you want some coffee?
AVA
I think it’s a “skip straight to moonshine” day for me, thanks. You know where to find me.
CASPAR
And you know where to find the moonshine.
ZEBULON
Lord, may our work in the new world be an instrument of your grace...
GLORIA
Here we go.
SFX: BOOM ZIP. POW. THE NEW WORLD APPEARS.
GLORIA (CONT'D)
Okay... this looks... super normal. This looks like Wyoming or something. I’ve never been to Wyoming. This is how I imagine Wyoming.
CASPAR
Yeah, I imagine Wyoming like this too, although wait, look. See the horizon?
GLORIA
What is that?
CASPAR
It’s a glacier wall. Looks like we’re in the ice-age-ish.
ZEBULON
I’m am getting a strange sense that we have been to this place before.
CASPAR
We’ve been to the ice-age before.
ZEBULON
Yes, but this exact place.
CASPAR
Why do you say that?
ZEBULON
It’s hard to explain. I believe Leif refers to it as “vibes”.
GLORIA
Zebulon, you can’t say “vibes”, it doesn’t sound right.
ZEBULON
Very well, Gloria. Shall I say “perturbations”?
GLORIA
I don’t know what it means, so it’s way better.
AVA
Someone’s coming... oh shit.
CASPAR
Is that who I think it is?
AVA
Yes.
CASPAR
Aw, snails.
ZEBULON
Perhaps it’s best that my wife is asleep at this time.
GLORIA
Who’s this chick?
CASPAR
Old friend of Ava’s.
GLORIA
Really?
CASPAR
She’s also the worst.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
JANE
Well hello there, Midnight Burger!
CASPAR
Welcome back, Jane.
JANE
Did you miss me?
CASPAR
Sure.
JANE
Hello, Doctor.
AVA
Hello, Doctor.
JANE
Oh, hey. You’re new.
GLORIA
Hi.
JANE
Help me get this backpack off, would you?
GLORIA
Uh, sure.
JANE
Oooof!
SFX: HUGE BACKPACK HITS THE FLOOR.
JANE (CONT'D)
Oh my God, that’s a RELEIF!
CASPAR
What brings us to your neighborhood, Jane. Being chased by a woolly rhino?
JANE
They went extinct about five thousand years ago, Caspar, but thank you so much for playing. Where is my BOYFRIEND!
LEIF
(From the kitchen)
Is that Jane?
JANE
Get out here, you!
LEIF
Holy shit!
JANE
Well HELlo, Sailor.
LEIF
What the hell?!
JANE
Leif, I have been studying in the field for six long years and now MAMA WANTS HER BISCUITS!
LEIF
O...kay!
JANE
Get up on that roof!
LEIF
I’m going!
JANE
Don’t make me chase you!
SFX: BACK DOOR CLOSES.
JANE (CONT'D)
Oh, man. Doctor, I am dying to catch up but if I don’t go bang one out with Leif I think my whole downstairs may crumble to dust!
AVA
God forbid.
JANE
I’ll be back!
AVA
You’re disgusting.
JANE
I know! Hey, Talking Radio!
ZEBULON
Uh, yes, hello.
SFX: BACK DOOR CLOSES.
AVA
Hurricane Jane is what we called her.
GLORIA
Friend of yours?
AVA
College roommate.
CASPAR
What is she doing back here?
AVA
What are we doing back here?
GLORIA
Aren’t these my questions?
CASPAR
She was Ava’s college roommate, she’s a what?
AVA
Evolutionary biologist.
CASPAR
Right, whatever that is. We picked her up at one point, once she wrapped her mind around what the diner was she thought she would try and hitch a ride back to the stone age to study what?
AVA
Humans.
CASPAR
Right. She’s uh... She’s a lot.
GLORIA
I can tell.
CASPAR
She was prepared to snap the tether and just spend the rest of her life studying cave men but now, here we are back again.
GLORIA
And her and Leif?
AVA
Yeah.
GLORIA
Gross.
AVA
Yeah.
GLORIA
Well... at least it’s not imminent death, am I right?
AVA
I mean...
CASPAR
Sort of...
GLORIA
Guys, she can’t be that bad.
CASPAR
Like I said. She’s a lot.
SFX: SMALL TRANSISTOR RADIO PLAYING SLOW JAMS.
JANE
Whooo! Thank God you showed up when you did, I really needed that.
LEIF
My pleasure.
JANE
What’s with this little radio? How are you getting a reception?
LEIF
I made it. It’s my little secret. Whenever we’re on an Earth that has radio stations I have this little pocket radio that captures music and stores it. I listen to it when I’m up here.
JANE
Does the talking radio downstairs know about this?
LEIF
They do not. I love Effie and Zebulon to death but sometimes you just want to hear some music that was made after the great depression, know what I mean?
JANE
And you’re adorably playing slow-jams on it for your pre-historical hook-up.
LEIF
That I am.
JANE
Oh, Leafy. These six years have been amazing. I’ve learned so much.
LEIF
Oh yeah? Give me some highlights.
JANE
Ummm... Oh, okay. Remember how I had you make me that isotope tracker?
LEIF
Yeah, how’d it work out?
JANE
Amazing. I was literally able to track food calories as they travelled through their bodies.
LEIF
Sweet, what does that mean?
JANE
Well, your average office worker back home burns about 2500 calories a day, right? Guess how many calories your average hunter-gatherer burns?
LEIF
Um, a crazy amount, ten-thousand.
JANE
Nope. Also 2500 calories.
LEIF
What?
JANE
A hunter-gatherer human burns the exact same amount of calories in a day as an average modern human who works in an office and drives a Prius.
LEIF
How is that possible?
JANE
How is that possible, Leif?
LEIF
You tell me.
JANE
No way to know for sure without a lab. It basically means that the human body, whether it sits at a desk or forages in a field, burns 2500 calories no matter what we do. Which means that modern man, not having to burn calories on chasing down wild game, burns it some other way.
LEIF
Like what?
JANE
My guess? Inflammation, anxiety, auto-immune responses, all of these things are the human body basically putting the pedal to the metal when the car is in park. I guess it spends it there.
LEIF
I think I’d rather spend calories on anxiety than on running away from a saber-toothed tiger.
JANE
Leif, do you know how rare those are? I’ve been here six years and I never saw one. I saw bison, I saw small critters-
SFX: ROAR OF DISTANT MEGAFAUNA.
JANE (CONT'D)
Oh oh oh, AND... I saw those. C’mere.
LEIF
What?
JANE
See? There’s a herd of them by that creek.
LEIF
Oh... wow. Those things are huge, what are they?
JANE
Glyptodons.
LEIF
Are they turtles?
JANE
More like huge armadillos.
LEIF
Those are armadillos, they’re the size of a car!
JANE
I know, they’re so cute, right? Look while you can, they’ll all be dead soon.
LEIF
Why? There’s not a meteor coming is there?
JANE
No, my sexy friend, the only meteor headed their way is our distant relatives... We’re on the brink of it right now. The end of the Younger Dryas.
Pretty soon humans will figure out that the glaciers are retreating for the last time and it will be open season on anything that moves. The great Holocene extinction will begin. They’ll wipe out their food source, then realize they screwed themselves, then grow bigger brains to figure out how to un-screw themselves, then they’ll start keeping animals, and farming. Once they figure that out their brains will shrink again and before you know it... they’ll be us.
LEIF
Just like that?
JANE
Just like that. Kind of sad, actually.
LEIF
It’s evolution though, right? It’s your field of study.
JANE
I guess. You ever wonder if things could be different?
LEIF
How do you mean?
JANE
I don’t know... Just different.
LEIF
You know a little while ago I got visited by not one, but two future versions of myself.
JANE
Oh, you did?
LEIF
I did. Since then I have sworn off wondering about how things could be different.
JANE
(Descending the roof ladder.)
That’s the problem with you, Leif. You’re so laid back you never decide to get weird with it.
LEIF
I get plenty weird with it.
JANE
Come down here, I want to show you something.
LEIF
Okay, sure... uh... Jane? Who are you friends?
JANE
These are my people, Leif. Come down and say hi.
SFX: COFFEE POURING.
AVA
I didn’t ask for coffee, I asked for moonshine.
CASPAR
I’m giving you coffee.
ZEBULON
Should it really be acceptable for two unmarried persons to just... go up there and... do such things?
GLORIA
Relax, Zebulon.
ZEBULON
There’s not even a roof above them.
GLORIA
C’mon, you and Effie never did it in the back of a pick-up truck?
ZEBULON
We do not have an automobile!
GLORIA
What does an evolutionary biologist do?
AVA
Studies the biological processes of evolution. Natural selection, speciation, all that garbage. She’s brilliant in her field, apparently. I’d always see her getting grants and awards.
GLORIA
But wait, if she hitched a ride on Midnight Burger to get back to the ice age, there was no way for her to get back again.
AVA
Right.
CASPAR
She said something about “growing beyond writing papers and working in a lab”. Wanting to “Be the science”.
AVA
She’s nuts.
ZEBULON
Evolution, you say?
GLORIA
Uh oh.
ZEBULON
I have deep concerns about this woman. I read in The Gazette about a whole dust up regarding this evolution business. It all happened right across the river in Tennessee.
CASPAR
Zeb, you’ve met her before, this is not news.
ZEBULON
Yes, well, sometimes Effie may do a bit of the listening for me as I am so focused on the scripture.
GLORIA
Scopes Monkey Trial!
AVA
... What?
GLORIA
Zeb’s talking about the Scopes Money Trial.
ZEBULON
Yes, that was it. It involved a school teacher by the name of Scopes.
GLORIA
Sorry, I get excited when I know things around here.
ZEBULON
Sounded like quite a mess. People came from miles around. I tell you this, I do not know what happens to one’s disposition once they cross east of that Mississippi river. Monkey talk.
SFX: BACK DOOR OPENS.
JANE
Well that did the trick.
CASPAR
Where’s Leif?
JANE
Leif’s going to need a moment. I may have sprained something in him. Could I ask someone to make me some sort of food that isn’t roasted over a campfire?
CASPAR
Gloria, would you mind?
GLORIA
Yeah, fine.
CASPAR
Thanks.
JANE
Caspar, I don’t suppose you’ve gotten your beer and wine license since last we spoke?
AVA
There’s a jug of moonshine under the counter, bring it over here.
JANE
Moonshine?!
CASPAR
What could possibly go wrong?
JANE
Oh, wow. Where did this come from?
AVA
Harlan, Kentucky. 1934.
JANE
Of course. This place is wild.
CASPAR
So, Jane, any idea why the diner came back here? Please tell me it’s not for whatever just happened on the roof.
JANE
I know exactly why I’m here.
SFX: JUG SETTING DOWN ON THE TABLE. TWO GLASSES BEING POURED.
JANE (CONT'D)
I’m here to talk to my old colleague.
AVA
I can’t be your colleague, we’re not in the same field.
JANE
Is that how that works?
AVA
Yes.
JANE
Okay, fine. I’m here to talk to my old roommate.
AVA
Oh really? And why is that?
JANE
The diner hasn’t come for me, Ava. It’s come for you.
AVA
You don’t say.
JANE
It’s brought you to me, so that I can sit here and say to you... It’s time to quit.
AVA
To quit?
JANE
Yes.
AVA
Quit what?
JANE
Science. Research. Notes. The whole shebang. It’s time to quit.
AVA
Why would I do that?
JANE
Leif was telling me he got a visitation from a couple of future versions of himself a while back.
AVA
He did.
JANE
Well, consider this a visitation from the past. For six years I have been camping out at the very beginnings of our species. I have glimpsed the origins of us. I am here to tell you, with authority... we fucked it all up.
AVA
We did?
JANE
Yes.
AVA
Who, exactly?
JANE
All of us. Collectively. Like, as a species, we fucked up our species, everything you’ve been doing is pointless, you should stop, I should stop, everybody should stop.
AVA
Is this an actual conversation we’re having or is this one of those conversations where you say things just to get everyone to look at you?
JANE
Fair point, fair point. I definitely do that. And I must say it is intoxicating to talk to people that actually understand the words coming out of my mouth after six years in a land of no complex language. BUT. I am serious. This is serious. You have to quit.
AVA
But I don’t want to quit.
JANE
Yes you do. I can see it.
CASPAR
Jane, what the hell are you talking about?
JANE
Sorry. Let me start from the beginning. Six years ago, Midnight Burger dropped me off at the end of the last great Ice Age. Leif had really set me up, I had all kinds of wonderful whizz-bangs and whirly-gigs. I was going to be able to observe early homo-sapiens from afar without them ever knowing I was there. So I did. I found a nice little nomadic tribe of humans making their way across what would one day be central Europe, I think. And as I watched them, over the course of a year, I began to think about Thomas Hobbes. Anyone? Thomas Hobbes?
CASPAR
Who is that?
ZEBULON
I am familiar with the work of Mr. Hobbes.
JANE
What?! The talking radio? So you’ve actually read something other than the Bible?
ZEBULON
It may surprise you to know that I am quite well read, though I tend to stay with the things that are... my vibe.
GLORIA
(From the kitchen.)
Still no, Zeb.
JANE
Do me a favor. Do you have a copy of “Leviathan”?
ZEBULON
I do.
JANE
Bring it down off the shelf for me, I want you to read a passage. Chapter eight.
ZEBULON
One moment.
GLORIA
Okay, one plate of food that is not a Mastodon or whatever.
JANE
That looks amazing.
GLORIA
What’d I miss?
CASPAR
Jane is apparently here to convince Ava to quit being a scientist.
GLORIA
What? Why?
CASPAR
We’re still trying to figure that out.
GLORIA
She’s not going to quit being a scientist.
JANE
She really should though.
GLORIA
No she shouldn’t. She great at it, you don’t quit something you’re great at.
JANE
How do you know she’s great at it?
GLORIA
Because when she talks about it I have no idea what she’s saying. That means she’s great at it.
JANE
I know it feels that way to you-
GLORIA
To me? Oh, to me, it feels that way to me, what’s that mean?
JANE
No, I’m saying-
GLORIA
You know what, give me that hamburger.
JANE
No, please don’t, new girl, I’m so sorry.
GLORIA
My name is Gloria and I don’t like what’s going on right now. Who are you, lady?
JANE
I’m not trying to upset anyone, I just think this is an important conversation for us to have about Ava’s future.
GLORIA
Well, Ava’s a big girl, she can take care of herself. But I don’t like you, so you don’t get a hamburger while you’re doing whatever it is you’re doing.
JANE
But I’m so hungry.
GLORIA
Oh are you? Are you so hungry, lady who didn’t even ask me my name? I’m going to sit here at this counter and eat your hamburger, and I’m watching you. Get on with your nonsense.
ZEBULON
I have returned.
GLORIA
(To Caspar)
Sorry, was that bad customer service?
CASPAR
It was very bad customer service and I am now going to discipline you with this high five.
SFX: HIGH FIVE SOUND.
ZEBULON
Chapter eight.
JANE
So, once upon a time Thomas Hobbes tried to describe the nightmare that life would be if we had no society. Start with the passage “In such condition...”
ZEBULON
In such condition, in such, in such, Ah. Here. “In such condition, there is no place for industry; because the fruit thereof is uncertain: and consequently no culture of the earth; no navigation, nor use of the commodities that may be imported by sea; no commodious building; no instruments of moving, and removing, such things as require much force; no knowledge of the face of the earth; no account of time; no arts; no letters; no society; and which is worst of all, continual fear, and danger of violent death; and the life of man-”
JANE
“-solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.” Ava, I watched these people for six years, and all of those things that Hobbes describes... I saw none of it. These people are happy. They have community, they love each other, they protect each other-
AVA
They check each other for tics.
JANE
They do. They do that, and you know what? It’s sweet.
AVA
It’s tics, Jane.
CASPAR
Jane, I don’t think your argument is landing, what are you getting at here? What does this have to do with Ava?
JANE
It was all a waste. My life’s work, Ava’s life work, our collective life’s work of making the society we live in, it was all a waste. The humans I’ve been studying, they’re happier than us. In some ways healthier than us. They don’t shut themselves off from each other, they draw each other close.
AVA
Yeah, I don’t want to draw people close.
JANE
Ava, why do we do this? These scientific endeavors, why do we put ourselves through years of school, navigate the bullshit halls of academia? We convince ourselves that it all moves everything forward towards some sort of glorious end, right? It doesn’t. Over thousands of years all we’ve managed to do is make ourselves more miserable, more alone, sicker. Our only achievement through the centuries appears to be the towering mountain of things we have convinced ourselves of.... I know you feel it too. I can see it in your eyes. Did something happen? Something shake your tree a little bit?
AVA
... Let’s have another drink.
JANE
Good.
GLORIA
(To Caspar)
This is some bullshit.
CASPAR
(To Gloria)
This is definitely some class A bullshit but I feel like Ava’s in kind of a vulnerable place right now, so we should, y’know, knives out.
GLORIA
(To Caspar)
Definitely knives out. Zebulon, knives out.
ZEBULON
I don’t know what that means, but I believe I understand the vibe.
GLORIA
... That was better.
CASPAR
Yeah, he’s getting better, keep working on it, Zebulon... Jane. We’re calling bullshit.
JANE
Okay, then. Come at me, bro.
CASPAR
Jane, here’s the thing. You’re saying that mankind was at it’s purest and happiest when we were hunter-gatherers, right?
JANE
Yes.
CASPAR
And that Ava should quit her scientific endeavors because moving society ever forward has just made us more miserable?
JANE
Also true.
CASPAR
Why change? Things moved forward, we started living in houses, we evolved into a world where somehow corn is in all of our food, we invented baseball. If everything was so perfect, why did we evolve past that?
JANE
Because evolution is bad.
CASPAR
What?
GLORIA
It’s literally your life’s work.
JANE
Hey, talking radio, what’s the greatest trick the devil ever pulled?
ZEBULON
Convincing us he doesn’t exist.
JANE
And the greatest trick evolution ever pulled was convincing us that it was good. Well, I shouldn’t say good. Evolution isn’t good or bad, it’s just a force that is completely and totally unconcerned with your happiness. Evolution and progress aren’t the same thing. The goal of evolution isn’t happiness.
Evolution has only one goal: more babies. It will make you do anything it can for you to have more babies. Animal husbandry, complex farming, hierarchical societies, land ownership, colonialism, all of these things led to a cascade of unhappiness and a whole heck of a lot of babies.
GLORIA
And a whole heck of a lot of other things too, right, c’mon.
JANE
Wow, I did not expect an argument for colonialism.
GLORIA
Oh, shut up, I’m not arguing for colonialism, I’m arguing for air conditioning, and hospitals, and antibiotics, and gelato.
JANE
This is the question that philosophers have been asking since the modern age. Does all of this progress, all of these modern advancements, do they make us intrinsically happier? You can’t truly know unless you were there before the advancements. I was there for six years. The answer is no.
ZEBULON
I agree with her.
GLORIA
Zeb, knives out!
ZEBULON
But her point is well heard. It is not modern advancements that should give us joy but rather the glory of our Lord, and doing good works in his name.
JANE
Look at that, I’ve got Jesus on my side!
ZEBULON
But I’ve always thought that your most important words should go last. The last words of the Bible: The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Surely the most important part. And the last word in Mr. Habbes writing: short. Their lives were short.
CASPAR
Life span!
JANE
Here we go.
CASPAR
As a straight white male you know one thing about me: I’ve watched a lot of History Channel. And I know for a fact that the farther back you go, the shorter the life span. Surely a longer life is a good enough reason to evolve.
JANE
Is it?
CASPAR
Yes. A long life is a good thing.
JANE
Is it though?
CASPAR
Jane.
JANE
Okay fine, I’ll grant you that. The modern world we’re all from does seem to afford you a longer life. Congratulations.
CASPAR
Okay, point for us.
JANE
But let me ask you this: How much of that time is yours? This long life of yours, how much of it belongs to you? Odds are your average modern human will spend the majority of their waking hours in an office somewhere or a restaurant working to mostly benefit someone they’ll never meet. They’ll have a few hours with their loved ones at night and then get a few hours of sleep and then do it all over again the next day. Congratulations on a long life. It doesn’t belong to you, it belongs to your boss.
CASPAR
How is that any different from hunting and gathering all day?
JANE
They work twenty hours a week, Caspar. For them, when you’re good at your job, it’s over sooner. We think that an affluent society is one where you have everything you want, but the real-
AVA
-but the real affluent society is the one that wants less things. Jane this is the same diatribe that you would bombard frat guys with at parties, all we need are red cups full of Natural Lite.
JANE
And the only flaw in my argument back then was lack of evidence. We can’t truly know what life was like for early mankind because we weren’t there. I was there.
AVA
Then go back to the Planck Institute and make your case.
JANE
And tell them what? I travelled back in time in a magical diner?
GLORIA
You’re like a reverse Cassandra? You know the past but no one will believe you?
JANE
Exactly, new girl! She’s good, I like her, can I have my hamburger back?
GLORIA
Nope.
AVA
Jane, what do you expect me to do at this point?
JANE
Like I said, the diner didn’t come back here for me, it came back here for you.
AVA
Well, that was a stupid thing for it to do.
JANE
I’m not going back home, Ava. I’m staying here. And I think you should come with me.
AVA
What?
CASPAR
(Laughing)
That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard in my life.
GLORIA
Oh my God, is she serious?
CASPAR
This was your plan all along? This was your big pitch?
ZEBULON
Ava? Outdoors? Forever?
AVA
I’m with you, Zebulon. This is a terrible idea. Jane, what are you thinking?
JANE
You laugh, but I think you’d come to like it.
GLORIA
How come you’re a doctor but you’re saying the stupidest shit right now?
ZEBULON
I am imagining Ava trying to light a campfire and it is very humorous.
CASPAR
Ava, maybe you should hear her out, you do love being the smartest person in the room and DAMN would you be the smartest person in the room.
ZEBULON
It is funny because cave men are not intelligent!
CASPAR
Aw, Jane. What were you thinking? Did you really think this was going to go your way?
JANE
I thought I’d give it a shot.
GLORIA
... No... No, she couldn’t have known. This is... you knew it would play out like this.
CASPAR
What’s going on?
GLORIA
She’s stalling. Why is she... Caspar, go check the roof.
CASPAR
Oh, shit.
SFX: BACK DOOR CLOSES.
AVA
What’s going on?
GLORIA
Where’s Leif, Jane?
JANE
... Damn. I thought I could keep you guys going for longer than this.
SFX: BACK DOOR CLOSES.
CASPAR
Leif’s gone, Jane, where’s Leif?
JANE
I mean, he could be anywhere, maybe he went to buy real estate in The Bay Are while the prices are still low.
GLORIA
Which kitchen knife should I threaten you with right now?
JANE
Oooh, she’s feisty, isn’t she?
AVA
Jane, what did you do?
JANE
See, Ava, all those times in college when I would go on a rant about the madness of man and the original affluent society, you thought I was just riffing. I meant every word. And now I can actually do something.
CASPAR
How about we skip to the part where the evil mad scientist reveals her plan?
JANE
He really despises a flare for the dramatic doesn’t he?
AVA
Jane. Right now.
JANE
Okay, okay. Here’s the thing. This tribe of people I’ve been studying, it’s going to be about four thousand more years until they develop a God concept. Right now it’s just rudimentary symbology and superstition.
But their brains aren’t going to essentially change all that much over four thousand years which means that deep in their gray matter is a vacancy. There’s a God shaped hole in their life, guys. So I, essentially, filled that hole.
AVA
Holy shit, Jane.
JANE
I’m their God.
CASPAR
What the fuck?
JANE
It was easy. Leif had given me all these great tools before I left. I had a laser torch to make fire, I had this cloaking device on my belt so I could disappear right in front of their eyes. What more do you need? I would appear suddenly, set something on fire, and the disappear! They were terrified! It was hilarious. So their God concept developed real quick, and suddenly I was running the show. They’ll do whatever I ask them to... With Leif’s help I’m going to remake the world the way it should’ve been. A simpler one. A happier one.
ZEBULON
This is heresy.
JANE
Oh relax, Padre, you’re not the innocent one here. You know it’s no coincidence that hierarchical religions arose at the same time as hierarchical societies. “Work hard and you’ll be rewarded in the afterlife!” Any of that sound familiar?
CASPAR
We’re actually done with the theoretical debate portion of the day, Jane, so eyes on me please. Bring Leif back right now.
JANE
No... No, I can’t do that, Caspar. I need him. About a year ago I had everything set up. I was their God, they were building a shrine, it was going well. But I needed to kick it up a notch. I’m really building something here and I need someone with a particular skill set. “What am I to do?” I asked myself. And then suddenly... there was a diner. I could’ve done this much more seamlessly but when you showed up I knew I only had 12 hours, so I had to improvise.
I thought I would come in here and distract you as long as I could while my minions carried Leif back to their village. I thought I’d go for the Hail Mary pass and try and convince Ava to come with me, but who am I kidding? She’s still got work to do... You know they’re never going to let you back in, Ava. You can come back with all the evidence in the world and you’re still going to be the crazy lady they pushed into emeritus status.
GLORIA
Okay, I’m thinking a chair, some rope, and I’ll pour hot coffee on her, let’s do some Guantanamo shit.
JANE
It’s no use, guys. The only thing you can threaten me with is to take me with you. But if you did you’d be leaving Leif all alone on an ancient Earth. And he’s such a creature of the modern age, isn’t he? And then who do you think my followers will blame when their God abandons them? It’s no use, guys. Leif’s mine. You may as well let me go so that at least he’s not by himself... Besides, who among you can stand against a God?
EFFIE
(From the bedroom)
Zebulon!
GLORIA
Is that Effie?
ZEBULON
My wife has awakened. Let me check on her.
EFFIE
No, I’m here. Give me the microphone! I have returned from my fevered state to a sense of great dread. What sort of nonsense transpires?
CASPAR
Jane is back and she’s kidnapped Leif.
JANE
Hi, radio lady!
EFFIE
I have no patience for the likes of you today, Jane. As I passed through the depths of my sickness I was presented with many visions. Dark clouds gather around us, my friends. Enemies both overt and subtle make their way to our shores. Shadowy figures and overwhelming forces.
We will need to be ready. But Jane... of all the troubles in my various fevered visions... ain’t none of them you. You are a waste of our time and our time’s gotten scarce, so will you kindly return Leif to us or will I need to treat you like yesterday’s periodicals and line my chicken coop with you?
JANE
I don’t even know what that means, look, I’m sure all of you have strong feelings right now but no matter how upset you are, I still have the upper hand. You don’t know where Leif is and it’s a great big world out there. I’m holding all the cards.
EFFIE
I am not playing cards. I am not playing with you at all. This is your last chance, Jane. Produce Leif or we will have troubles.
CASPAR
(To Gloria)
This is getting ominous.
GLORIA
(To Caspar)
I’m a little scared.
JANE
Leif... is mine. We’re going to make a beautiful world together.
EFFIE
So be it, then.
CASPAR
Okay, enough, I’m going to go look for Leif, he can’t be far.
GLORIA
I’ll come with you.
EFFIE
No.
SFX: FRONT DOOR LOCKS. BACK DOOR LOCKS.
EFFIE (CONT'D)
Everyone stay put.
GLORIA
(To Caspar.)
Did the doors to the diner just lock?
CASPAR
They did, Effie what in the Amityville Horror is happening right now?
EFFIE
Hush up, Caspar. Why is there always someone like you, Jane? One who thinks themself so big that they can take from the course of creation all its wildness? Do you truly believe that you can shape humanity according to your will?
JANE
Yes. I do. I’ve been preparing my whole life for it.
EFFIE
Lord forgive you. Such folly. Towers of Babel over and over again. We truly never do learn, do we?
CASPAR
Effie, I know it’s upsetting but we really do need to find Leif.
EFFIE
Never you mind Caspar. I shall find him myself...
SFX: SOUND OF A CAMPFIRE AND A VILLAGE.
LEIF
So... you guys do cave paintings at all? I hear those are popular... I tell you what, a lot of artists worry that their work wont make a lasting impression, but the cave paintings... evergreen, you guys. Great stuff... What we eating right now? Is it that armadillo thing? If so, that’s impressive, it’s covered in armor I don’t know how you find the weak spot... The village is nice. I mean, I know it’s temporary but it’s got a really “homey” feel to it. Feels “lived in” y’know?... How often do you guys move? Probably with the seasons, right? Bet that’s a bummer... Hey since Jane’s decided to totally mess with the timeline I should really show you guy the wheel. You’re gonna love wheels, they really change the game... Y’know, since we’re bumping up against a language barrier here, I would like to just admit out loud that I have terrible taste in women. Real bad. Really should take a look at that in the future. If I have one.
EFFIE
(Whispering from inside Leif’s pocket radio)
Leif? Leif can you hear me?
LEIF
Effie? How did you know about my radio?
ZEBULON
We have always known about it.
EFFIE
We didn’t want to intrude.
ZEBULON
And we did enjoy when you would play the Bay City Rollers.
EFFIE
But that’s neither here nor there. We must act quickly.
LEIF
I’m not sure what I can do, these guys are huge and fast and for some reason they’re doing whatever Jane tells them to do.
EFFIE
It’s because she has used the new-fangled gadgetry you have afforded her to appear to them as a God.
LEIF
She promised me she wouldn’t do that.
EFFIE
And are we surprised at this juncture that she deceived you?
LEIF
No, no we’re not.
ZEBULON
We must extract you from your captivity before it is too late, Leif.
LEIF
How?
EFFIE
Here is the plan: It gives me no pleasure to say it but I believe we must combat Jane’s idolatry with even more idolatry.
LEIF
Yeah... yeah, I hear you.
EFFIE
When Zebulon starts up, just be ready to be impressive.
LEIF
Got it... Be impressive.
SFX: CAMPFIRE FADES
JANE
Mind if I sit?
AVA
Sure, why not?
JANE
So the sentient radio controls things around here? I didn’t pick up on that last time.
AVA
That is a very new development. There’s been a lot of those lately.
JANE
Any closer to the mysteries of the universe?
AVA
Are you seriously making small talk with me after you kidnapped Leif while pretending to be a primitive Cave God?
JANE
I feel kind of guilty. I feel like I’ve really discovered something in my field and you may never have a moment like that.
AVA
That’s true. But I do comfort myself in that fact that you are out of your fucking mind, and I am not.
JANE
That’s fair. I’m right though, Ava. My evil plans aside, I was right about everything I said. Right here, at this point in history, this is where we started really hurting ourselves.
AVA
Jane, we’re human beings. We all have third-degree black belts in hurting ourselves. No matter how deeply you study human beings, you’re never going to be able to make them something they’re not.
GLORIA
(To Caspar)
What do you think they’re talking about over there?
CASPAR
I don’t know. They’re probably speaking in some sort of science language.
GLORIA
Probably not even words. It probably sounds like a dial-up modem.
CASPAR
Exactly.
GLORIA
Hey, Caspar?
CASPAR
Yeah?
GLORIA
After we get Leif back, I feel like things are about to get weird.
CASPAR
Yeah. I get that sense.
GLORIA
Don’t worry though. When they do I’ll take care of it.
CASPAR
Oh yeah? You’re going to take care of it?
GLORIA
I’ve got it handled. But I’m going to ask for a raise.
CASPAR
A raise? In this economy?
GLORIA
You know what else?
CASPAR
What?
GLORIA
This shift is a total catastrophe. But Leif... he got laid.
CASPAR
He did, didn’t he?
GLORIA
I’ve decided I’m going to work on that.
CASPAR
Oh yeah?
GLORIA
Yeah, my last date was with a dying robot, how much worse could it get?
CASPAR
True. You know what I think would work? Bespar-9 in the Megellanic Clouds.
GLORIA
Okay. What’s going on there?
CASPAR
The whole planet is covered with one hundred foot tall pine trees.
GLORIA
How does that help me?
CASPAR
It’s literally a planet of lumberjacks.
GLORIA
Ooooh. Now were talking. We gotta figure out how to steer this fucking thing.
CASPAR
We really do.
GLORIA
Oh, shit.
CASPAR
What?
GLORIA
We’re surrounded by cave men.
CASPAR
We are? Oh shit. What now?
GLORIA
There’s Leif!
LEIF
(From outside)
Behold! I am Leif! The God of the talking box! All will love me and despair!
ZEBULON
(From outside)
Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places!
LEIF
Yeah! What he said!
JANE
Ugh. Look at him. Such a hottie.
AVA
Gross.
JANE
Okay, I give up, whoever runs this place, time to unlock the doors and exchange prisoners.
SFX: DOORS UNLOCK.
JANE:
Thank you. Goodbye, Doctor.
AVA
Goodbye, Doctor.
SFX: DOOR CHIME. FEET WALKING ON GRAVEL.
JANE
You make a good God.
LEIF
I was thinking about it on the walk over here, I’d make a pretty good God. No fire or brimstone, just the God of hanging out, right?
JANE
Exactly. Sorry about the mess.
LEIF
Not the biggest mess I’ve been in.
JANE
Does having you kidnapped maybe count as a romantic gesture at all?
LEIF
To me it does, and that is absolutely the problem with me.
JANE
Goodbye, Leafy.
LEIF
Good luck controlling the world.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
LEIF (CONT'D)
He is risen!
GLORIA
Leif, if you have a little black book, please burn it.
LEIF
No kidding.
CASPAR
Welcome back, Leif. So if Effie and Zeb were in your radio, where are they now?
ZEBULON
We are now returned to our proper place... though I’ve no idea how, my dear.
EFFIE
Yes. I am not so certain myself. Y’all I was deep in my sickness for many an hour. I saw things I do not yet understand and understand things that were once obscured to me. I have emerged a changed woman. There is much to discuss, but first I speak with Ava privately. Could you please give us a moment? Ava, can you come here, please?
AVA
Sure.
CASPAR
What is this about?
GLORIA
Caspar, come on.
CASPAR
Okay.
AVA
What’s going on?
EFFIE
Ava, while I slept I believe I had a vision of the future. I was flung far forward into time’s narrow valley and there I found myself in a jungle.
I have never seen a jungle before, I can only imagine from what I have seen in children’s books, but I believe it was the jungle. I saw someone there amidst the broad leaves. I believe it was my granddaughter. She had my mother’s hair. She had Zebulon’s square chin. Her eyes were my own. She looked up to the vast array of stars but I feel as though she was not looking at them. She was listening. Is that possible Ava? For one to listen to the stars?
AVA
Yes, it’s called a radio telescope.
EFFIE
I see. So she could be a scientist like you, my granddaughter?
AVA
If she was using a radio telescope that would make her an astronomer, yes. Effie are you... I can’t believe I don’t know this, do you have children?
ZEBULON
The doctor has told us-
EFFIE
I know what the doctor has told us, Dearest. I know what my visions have told me.
ZEBULON
Oh... Oh my.
EFFIE
Ava, I will need you to be brave now.
AVA
Okay.
EFFIE
I have returned with the notion that there is something in your mind. There is something that you have wanted to do for some time now but you have been afraid to do it for fear of how the others will react. Is that true?
AVA
Yes.
EFFIE
You must do it, Ava. And you must do it now.
AVA
I can’t.
EFFIE
You must.
AVA
They’ll hate me.
EFFIE
They will forgive you. You must, Ava. I’ve seen it.
AVA
Goddamn it.
EFFIE
Watch your mouth, now.
AVA
Are you sure?
EFFIE
I have been sent back from the brink of death with nothing but certainty. Give me your hand, my Love.
ZEBULON
Yes, dear. Go on then, Ava.
AVA
Goodbye.
SFX: THE RADIO DIAL BEING TURNED THROUGH WAVE AFTER WAVE OF STATIC.
CASPAR
Ava! Ava Ava, what are you doing?
GLORIA
Ava, stop!
LEIF
Holy shit!
CASPAR
Ava!
LEIF
Oh shit, we’re jumping early, everybody hang onto something!
SFX: THE DINER PLUNGES INTO THE CURRENTS OF SPACE-TIME. NOISE AND CHAOS EVENTUALLY LEADS TO SILENCE AND THEN TO A DEEP AND RESSONANT PULSATING AND STATIC FROM THE RADIO.
LEIF (CONT'D)
Everybody okay?
GLORIA
Fine.
CASPAR
Effie? Zebulon?
AVA
I’m sorry.
CASPAR
What did you do?!
AVA
I’m sorry!
CASPAR
Where the hell are we?
GLORIA
We’re floating in space again.
CASPAR
Leif, any idea where we are?... Leif?
LEIF
What the hell is that?
CASPAR
What the hell is... holy shit.
GLORIA
That isn’t the supermassive black hole again, is it?
LEIF
Nope.
GLORIA
Then what is it?
LEIF
It’s a big, malevolent, thing.
GLORIA
That’s bigger than the black hole.
LEIF
It’s an entire lightyear wide. At least.
GLORIA
Anyone else getting the feeling that it’s looking at us?
LEIF
Yeah.
CASPAR
Ava, what the fuck did you do?
AVA
I’m sorry... I’m so sorry...
The End