Chapter 8: Into the Deep Freeze!
SFX: CUBANAKAN BY LECUONA CUBAN BOYS
CASPAR
So now we can hear you guys AND the song.
ZEBULON
Yes. And we can also hear it.
CASPAR
But you’re not playing this song?
EFFIE
We are not.
CASPAR
So this song is coming from somewhere else?
EFFIE
It is.
CASPAR
And we don’t know from where.
ZEBULON
We do not.
LEIF
And you’re saying that when “Me from the future” was here the other day he said what to you?
EFFIE
“It’s all part of the plan.”
AVA
And then he attached some sort of device to the radio.
ZEBULON
And then removed it, we believe.
CASPAR
And then this song started playing and you guys started quoting from the Egyptian Book of the Dead for no reason.
EFFIE
That is the next thing that happened, yes.
CASPAR
And then you guys proceeded to say NOTHING AT ALL to us about this.
AVA
For a whole day.
CASPAR
One day went by.
AVA
Twenty-four hours.
CASPAR
Twenty-four hours.
AVA
Not that time exists.
CASPAR
I feel like if you guys were kindergarteners there would be a note to your parents saying “does not play well with the other children”.
EFFIE
We’re very sorry, Caspar.
AVA
He said “It’s all part of the plan”, What’s the plan?
ZEBULON
We are unaware of any plan.
LEIF
I don’t understand, a plan for what?
CASPAR
I don’t like this at all, guys. I don’t like secret plans, I don’t like weird behavior.
LEIF
Where’s Gloria?
AVA
I think I know what he did.
CASPAR
What?
AVA
I think he fine tuned the signal.
CASPAR
What about this seems fine tuned to you?
LEIF
Gloria?
AVA
Fine tuned isn’t the right word.
CASPAR
I don’t think there’s a right word for this.
AVA
We’re getting more information. It’s like we have a satellite dish on the roof now.
CASPAR
Great, we have pay-per-view boxing?
LEIF
Guys.
CASPAR
Leif, what is it?
LEIF
The door to the deep freeze is open.
CASPAR
... What?
LEIF
The door to the deep freeze is open and I can’t find Gloria.
CASPAR
Gloria?
LEIF
She’s not in the kitchen, she’s not anywhere. Caspar. The door. To the deep freeze. Is open.
CASPAR
... We warned her about the deep freeze, didn’t we?
LEIF
Didn’t we?
CASPAR
We did, right?
LEIF
Did we?
CASPAR
We warn everybody about the deep freeze, don’t we?
LEIF
Do we?
CASPAR
Ava, think back. When you first got here did we warn you about the deep freeze?
AVA
Yes.
LEIF
Did we?
AVA
Um... Okay, honestly until right this minute I kinda forgot we had a deep freeze.
CASPAR
Goddamn it.
AVA
I mean, you could have. But sometimes, people talking, maybe I hear it, I tune a lot out because I get bored.
LEIF
This is bad.
CASPAR
Gloria?
AVA
I don’t understand, what’s the big deal about the deep freeze?
CASPAR
I would tell you, but what if you get bored?
AVA
Come on.
CASPAR
Come have a look.
LEIF
Caspar, don’t.
CASPAR
Leif, I think we know where this is heading. C’mon Ava. Come look at the deep freeze.
AVA
Is there a body in there? Body parts? Just a head? Is Hitler’s brain in there?
CASPAR
Come here, dammit.
AVA
Okay.
SFX: DEEP FREEZE DOOR OPENING. HOWLING WINDS AMONG THE MOUNTAIN TOPS. OWLS HOOTING.
AVA (CONT'D)
Holy. Shit.
CASPAR
There’s a pocket dimension in the deep freeze.
AVA
Caspar.
CASPAR
Yeah.
AVA
There’s a pocket dimension in the deep freeze.
CASPAR
You really do tune things out, don’t you?
AVA
There is a mountain range in the deep freeze, Caspar.
CASPAR
Also a forest. And an ocean. With glaciers.
LEIF
It’s massive.
AVA
There’s a frozen mountain range with a forest and an ocean in the deep freeze, you guys.
CASPAR
We know.
AVA
Why have you not explored this?
SFX: WOLF HOWLING.
CASPAR
That’s why.
AVA
There’s a wolf in there?
LEIF
Wait for it.
SFX: WOLVES HOWLING.
AVA
There are wolves in there?
CASPAR
There’s a mountain range, a forest, an ocean, and packs of mad, ravenous wolves in there.
AVA
Oh, no.
CASPAR
Yeah.
AVA
Gloria.
CASPAR
Yeah.
AVA
Oh, shit.
CASPAR
Leif, we need-
LEIF
(In the kitchen)
Way ahead of you. I’ve got a flare gun, walkie talkies, and puffy jackets for everybody.
CASPAR
Okay, bring it all out here. Whether we like it or not, we’re going-
SONG: DEEP-DIVE PODCAST MUSIC.
CASPAR (CONT'D)
Oh god, what is this now?
EFFIE
Most stories start with something like “It was THIS date and THIS time in THIS place.” But what do you do when you’re talking about a place that has no place? Or a place that has no time? We’re speaking of course, of the diner at the end and somehow the beginning of the universe... Midnight Burger.
LEIF
Effie?
ZEBULON
You’ve heard the stories. Across space and time, no matter how distant or how close, someone will be in a jam, they won’t know where to go, and then suddenly... There is a diner.
EFFIE
No one knows where Midnight Burger came from, no one knows who, if anyone, built it and no one knows why it exists. But what if I told you that inside the greatest mystery in the multi-verse there was yet another mystery?
ZEBULON
Tucked away in a corner, inside the diner at the nexus of all things, is an old, dilapidated freezer. And inside that freezer? A world that may hold the secrets to the diner itself.
AVA
What is this? They’re doing a documentary now?
CASPAR
No. It’s worse.
EFFIE
Join us this season as we go... Into the Deep Freeze.
CASPAR
It’s a deep dive podcast.
LEIF
C’mon, we don’t have time for this.
CASPAR
No one has time for them.
LEIF
We’ve got to get in there before Gloria gets turned into dog chow.
AVA
Why doesn’t she just come back?
LEIF
It’s possible she doesn’t know the way out.
CASPAR
We lost a customer in there once.
AVA
What?!
LEIF
It was a busy day, they thought it was the bathroom, they never came out. Everybody put your coats on.
CASPAR
Look, Ava, maybe you should stay, I don’t know what’s going to happen in there.
AVA
Stay here and serve food to people? I’ll take the wolves, thanks.
ZEBULON
You had to wonder what they were thinking at this point. I get nervous when I defrost my freezer, they were about to leap into one.
EFFIE
And theirs had wolves in it.
ZEBULON
At least you knew that they were always using fresh produce.
EFFIE
When frozen peas means you may lose an arm, it does keep the menu in season.
AVA
I’m also not hanging out and listening to this nonsense.
LEIF
Alright, everybody ready?
CASPAR
Let’s do this.
AVA
Santa Claus, here we come!
SFX: THE WIND HOWLS AND THE DINER DISAPPEARS.
AVA (CONT'D)
Holy shit!
LEIF
Hang onto each other until we get through this part.
AVA
What if it’s like this the whole time?
CASPAR
Gloria?!
AVA
Parts of me are getting cold that have never gotten cold before.
EFFIE
When Ava, Leif, and Caspar first went through the freezer door they were hit with a massive windstorm.
ZEBULON
Right, it was almost like the deep freeze didn’t want them to be there.
CASPAR
How are we still hearing them?
LEIF
For Christ’s sake, they’re coming through the walkie talkies.
AVA
How?!
EFFIE
So, already they’re thinking that this was a terrible mistake. One second they’re in the diner, the next second they’re surrounded by ice and mountains and forests. They’re snow blind and they have no idea where Gloria is.
ZEBULON
And this is where they find the campsite.
SFX: WIND QUICKLY DIES DOWN.
CASPAR
Oh, look. A campsite.
LEIF
Gloria?
AVA
Who’s camping here?
LEIF
I don’t know. It’s new though, someone’s been using it.
CASPAR
That’s got to be her. Gloria!
AVA
She’s been here five minutes, she didn’t have time to camp.
CASPAR
Well who else could it be? Mr. Tumnus? Look, we can’t spend a lot of time here. We’ve got to find Gloria and then find a way out of here.
AVA
You do know for sure that there is a way out of here right?
LEIF
If there’s a way into something there’s a way out of something, right?
CASPAR
Right, isn’t that a law of something?
AVA
You guys never bought a roach motel?
LEIF
Wait, shh... Do you guys hear that?
CASPAR
What?
SFX: SEVERAL WOLVES GROWLING.
LEIF
That.
CASPAR
Shit.
AVA
Ruh-roh.
CASPAR
How did they find us so fast?
LEIF
We’re surrounded. Did anyone bring any treats?
AVA
We’re the treats, dude.
CASPAR
So this is how it ends. Eaten by wolves in space.
LEIF
Somebody’s coming.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS IN THE SNOW.
CASPAR
What?
GLORIA
Oh my god. You GUYS!
LEIF
Gloria?
GLORIA
Hi!
LEIF
What the hell?
GLORIA
You guys, check out my wolves!
AVA
Your wolves?
GLORIA
You guys, my friends are here! Awoooooooooooooooooo!
SFX: WOLVES HOWLING ALONG WITH GLORIA.
AVA
What kind of Nanook of the North bullshit is this now?
GLORIA
I knew you’d find me eventually. I kept telling my dawgs here, but I don’t think they believed me.
LEIF
Are you wearing animal skins?
CASPAR
What do you mean eventually? We just noticed you were gone.
GLORIA
Oh really? Well, I’ve been here for I don’t know how long. The moon’s been full twice now, how long is that?
CASPAR
Two months?
GLORIA
Looks like there’s some weird time shit going on, I don’t know. Ava can probably figure it out. Hey, Leif, help me get this deer carcass into the camp.
LEIF
Deer carcass?
GLORIA
(Walking away)
Come on.
LEIF
I’ll be right back.
EFFIE
So, that’s crazy. Gloria had been there for two months.
ZEBULON
It’s wild, I mean, it shouldn’t be wild because we’re talking about Midnight Burger, but still, it’s wild.
EFFIE
It really makes my head spin to think about it, but luckily you were able to talk to someone who can explain this time discrepancy to us.
ZEBULON
Yeah, so as everyone knows Midnight Burger has its own resident theoretical physicist, Dr. Ava. Luckily I was able to sit down with her to talk about this issue of time.
AVA
You were?
ZEBULON
Ava, thanks for being with us today.
AVA
What?
ZEBULON
To your average person this is impossible to understand. How can five minutes in one place equal two months in another place?
AVA
Um... well it’s... called gravitational time dilation.
ZEBULON
And you say that like it’s no big deal. To me it’s like, whoa, what is that?
AVA
It’s part of relativity theory.
ZEBULON
This is Einstein’s relativity theory?
AVA
Yes, that one. This is so annoying, Zebulon.
ZEBULON
Talk to the guy who doesn’t know anything about physics. Explain it to that guy.
AVA
Fine, the closer you get to the center of a gravitational well, the slower time goes. So, the core of the earth, for example, is actually two and a half years younger than the surface of the earth because of the additional distance to the center.
ZEBULON
That’s crazy.
AVA
So crazy.
ZEBULON
So somehow the gravity is different inside the deep freeze?
AVA
Could be. But it also applies to inertia. Time slows down the closer you are to a gravity well or the closer you are to the speed of light.
ZEBULON
Is that why, when I’m moving fast around my house, getting a lot of things done, that I feel like time slows down?
AVA
No, that’s just you feeling like a superhero for doing basic housework.
LEIF
(Carrying something heavy.)
Holy shit, you guys, check out this deer.
AVA
Ew, gross.
CASPAR
Gloria, how did you kill a deer?
GLORIA
It wasn’t me it was my wolf pals here. They’d take down a whole deer and then look at me like “Hey mom, can we have this?”
SFX: A WOLF YIPS AT GLORIA.
GLORIA (CONT'D)
Oh, yes, I’m talking about you.
SFX: MORE YIPS.
GLORIA (CONT'D)
Oh yes I’m talking about you you good boy. Oh, you’re a good boy yes you are. Oh you’ve got a little munchkin face yes you do... Anyway, they would nab a deer and I would make it into Chocomolo, and they really love it.
CASPAR
Gloria, I’ve got to apologize, I thought we had warned you about the deep freeze.
GLORIA
Don’t worry about it, Caspar, it’s not like there’s a new employee orientation or something. Honestly, I was freaked out at first but, I don’t know, it’s kind of nice in here. I’m from Arizona, I don’t get to play in the snow.
CASPAR
Okay, I guess.
GLORIA
I spent a couple of weeks looking around for a way out of here but then I remembered Smokey the Bear. “Remember kids, if you’re lost in the woods, hug a tree and wait for someone to find you.” So I hugged a tree.
CASPAR
The problem with that is we don’t know the way out either.
GLORIA
I know, but we’ll figure something out. I mean, we’ve been through some shit, y’all. We always figure it out. OH! I forgot. Leif, check out what I found when I was looking for the exit. Hang on.
ZEBULON
See, this is what I love about Gloria.
EFFIE
She just jumps into things. No fear. She’s got the least experience out of all of them but is always ready for action, right?
GLORIA
Oh God, what are they on this time?
AVA
They’re doing a deep dive podcast on our trip into the deep freeze.
GLORIA
Okay, sure, whatever.
ZEBULON
See what I mean? She just rolls with it.
GLORIA
Leif, here, I found this. It’s an old portable tape recorder.
LEIF
Oh wow. A Ferguson. They don’t make them like this anymore.
GLORIA
AND I found this cassette tape.
LEIF
What the hell? Okay, I’ve got to hear what’s on this.
GLORIA
Can you make it work again?
LEIF
Maybe, I brought some spare batteries for the walkie talkies, I’ll try that.
EFFIE
I love this story because it checks off all my boxes. Old portable tape recorders...
ZEBULON
Check.
EFFIE
Wolves...
ZEBULON
Check.
EFFIE
Camping...
ZEBULON
Check again.
EFFIE
And a box I did not know needed checking: Chocomolo.
ZEBULON
Chocomolo! This is the dish that Gloria was making with the deer.
EFFIE
Right. Gloria, tell us a little more about Chocomolo.
GLORIA
... Do we just... Are we talking to them?
AVA
I think we’re adopting a “Just go with it” mentality.
GLORIA
Oh, okay. Yeah, Chocomolo, it’s like beef stew but you can do it with venison. You cut up the fatty parts and also the kidneys and liver and tongue and you cook it for a long time over a fire.
EFFIE
It sounds amazing. And I can’t find this at any restaurant, how did you know about it?
GLORIA
My grandmother, I guess?
LEIF
Okay, I think this should do it. I am putting in the mystery cassette tape.
GLORIA
Very exciting.
VOICE ON THE TAPE
(In a Russian accent.)
... Hello, yes. I believe I am recording now... I will make these recordings in English as this is my intended Audience. I am making this recording in Cordoba, Spain while attending the second International Conference of Nuclear Free Zones. It is very exciting to have this tape recorder. It is the only thing I have ever bought with the currency of the west.
Last night, my government handler became very inebriated and passed out in his room. I then attended a card game in the room of one of the scientists from American delegation. We played an American game called “Texas Hold Them”. I had never played a game of American cards before. I have discovered that I am very good at cards. Since it is all numbers and probability I, as a physicist, did quite well. I left the hotel room last night with a handfull of Spanish currency and my government knew nothing about it.
I debate with myself all night. What to do with this currency? Do I report? Do I keep it secret? Then this morning as my handler was still unconscious in his room, I did the most dangerous thing I have ever done. I went shopping.
I have purchased this Ferguson tape recorder. On it I will state my intentions and document my journey.
My name is Vladimir Valentinovich Alexandrov. It is my intention to defect to the United States of America and share with them what I have found.
AVA
No fucking way!
EFFIE
Plot twist!
ZEBULON
Amazing stuff. Nobody saw this coming.
EFFIE
So at this point everybody is scratching their heads. “Who’s this Russian guy on the tape recorder?” They’re asking.
ZEBULON
But one person is not scratching their heads.
EFFIE
That’s right. As this man, Vladimir Alexandrov, mentioned, he’s a physicist. And who do we talk to about that?
ZEBULON
We’re going back to Ava.
EFFIE
Ava, tell us about this guy. What’s his deal?
AVA
Uh, Vladimir Alexandrov, he was a nuclear physicist. He disappeared in 1985. Didn’t you guys say you lost a customer in here once?
CASPAR
Yeah.
AVA
Could it have been in Spain in 1985?
CASPAR
I don’t know.
LEIF
Maybe. It was on Earth. People were speaking a lot of different languages that day, we could’ve been anywhere.
AVA
He disappeared during an international conference, lots of languages being spoken during an international conference.
LEIF
Yeah, sure. I guess it could’ve been Spain.
AVA
Keep playing it.
LEIF
Ok.
SFX: ON THE TAPE THERE ARE DINER NOISES IN THE BACKGROUND.
VLADIMIR
Of course after recording my intentions to defect I am now gripped with fear. I have found myself at a cafe. A very odd cafe.
CASPAR
(On the tape)
Hey, welcome to Midnight Burger, what can I get you?
CASPAR (CONT'D)
Oh shit, that’s me.
AVA
Heck of a memory you’ve got there.
CASPAR
Do you have any idea how many shifts I’ve worked?
VLADIMIR
You are American?
CASPAR
(On the tape)
Uh, yes. Yes I am.
VLADIMIR
Wonderful. Could I get a cheeseburger?
CASPAR
(On the tape)
Cheeseburger? Sure. Fries?
VLADIMIR
Yes, french fries please.
CASPAR
(On the tape)
Coming right up.
VLADIMIR
And where is your restroom?
CASPAR
(On the tape)
Just right around the corner there.
VLADIMIR
Thank you.
AVA
And down the rabbit hole he went.
CASPAR
Who mistakes a freezer for a bathroom?
GLORIA
Hopefully just him.
LEIF
He’s got to still be here somewhere, right?
GLORIA
I haven’t seen a sign of anyone the whole time I’ve been here.
AVA
Keep going.
LEIF
Okay.
SFX: WIND HOWLING ON THE TAPE RECORDER.
VLADIMIR
Thank god, it’s still working. I don’t know what has happened, I am in a storm somehow-
AVA
Actually, I vote that we move past the initial shock phase and get to the good stuff.
CASPAR
I second that.
LEIF
Okay, let me fast forward.
SFX: FAST FORWARDING.
VLADIMIR
-I keep hearing wolves in the distance-
LEIF
Nope.
SFX: FAST FORWARDING.
VLADIMIR
-I am surrounded by the wolves, if these are my last moments-
LEIF
Skipping.
SFX: FAST FORWARDING.
VLADIMIR
-Much to my surprise, the wolves are quite friendly-
LEIF
Not quite.
SFX: FAST FORWARDING.
AVA
A little further and he’ll start to form a plan.
VLADIMIR
... So, the wolves seem to have befriended me. Luckily as a child I did much camping outside Novgorod. They enjoy my fire and they like when I cook the deer they bring to me. I am now outside the reach of imminent death. Somehow. And when one is outside the reach of death one must then look up and begin to ask questions of the world that has not killed you.
AVA
Now you’re talking, Vladimir.
VLADIMIR
This place, it is much like my home country but the constellations in the sky are not right. These are not the constellations of Earth. I am not home. Such bitter poetry, an amazing discovery and with no one to tell. No one to tell and no one to come save me, so I must take action. Here is my plan. When I look to the west as the sun sets I believe I can see something reflecting its light. It is miles away, it may take many days to get there, but it seems like the next logical step. Tomorrow my new wolf friends and I will head west. Perhaps I will find answers there. Oh, yes, there’s is one more thing. The tapes I am making, in an attempt to increase the chances of my story being discovered, I will deposit these tapes along the trail in the most conspicuous place I can find. Making a trail of breadcrumbs as I go into the forest, so to speak. Until next time...
AVA
Okay, we’re heading west.
CASPAR
No, we’re not.
AVA
We’ve got to follow the trail.
CASPAR
Ava, we’re trapped in the deep freeze. We’ve got to find a way out of here.
AVA
Okay, go ahead, find it.
CASPAR
I don’t know where it is.
AVA
And neither do I. How do we know it’s not at the end of Vladimir’s trail?
CASPAR
I... don’t.
AVA
See? We should check it out.
CASPAR
I want to be sure we’re focusing on the most important thing here.
LEIF
Five minutes in the diner was two months down here for Gloria. We could stay here a year and it would still be fifteen minutes in the diner.
CASPAR
I don’t want to spend a year down here.
AVA
We won’t. We’ll follow the trail and see what Vladimir was talking about, we’ve got to start somewhere.
CASPAR
Okay, fine. We’ll camp here tonight and then in the morning we’ll hit the trail.
GLORIA
Guys! Did you hear that? Tomorrow we’re going on a road trip! Awooooooooooooooo!
SFX: WOLVES HOWL.
ZEBULON
Oh yeah, and this is when all of my boxes get checked off!
EFFIE
I know.
ZEBULON
Because now we are Lord of the Rings-ing it, baby.
EFFIE
You’re very excited about this part.
ZEBULON
A band of heroes crossing mountain, river, and valley to find some sort of thing out west. I love it.
EFFIE
Let’s cast it. Who’s who?
ZEBULON
Oooh. Good question. I think we’ll go with Leif as Legolas.
LEIF
Oh HELL yeah.
EFFIE
Why?
ZEBULON
Just for alterations’ sake. I think Gloria is all of the Hobbits combined.
EFFIE
Really?
ZEBULON
Yeah, I mean, when you’re making stew for friendly wolves, congratulations, you’re a Hobbit.
GLORIA
Checks out.
ZEBULON
Ava...
AVA
You know the answer, you know the answer goddamn it.
ZEBULON
Ava’s definitely Gandalf.
AVA
FUCK yes.
ZEBULON
And Caspar is Gimli.
CASPAR
Oh, come on!
AVA
Ha ha, Gimli.
CASPAR
Why do I have to be Gimli? He’s always in a bad mood and never wants to be... there... shit... alright, fine.
ZEBULON
Heroes on an epic quest. I even picked out some epic music for the transition, check it out.
SONG: EPIC MUSIC.
SFX: SEVERAL FEET TRUDGING THROUGH THE SNOW.
AVA
I didn’t wear the right shoes for this.
CASPAR
I didn’t wear the right anything for this.
GLORIA
Hey, I think I see it, that shiny thing he was talking about.
CASPAR
Where?
GLORIA
If you look all the way down the mountainside and then along the shore of that lake, all the way almost to the horizon. See it?
LEIF
I see it. That’s really far.
GLORIA
It seems farther than it is. Maybe a day or two. What do you think it is?
LEIF
I don’t know. It’s big.
CASPAR
Does there happen to be a big sign on it that says “exit”?
EFFIE
So, I want to get back to the topic of “Where the heck are they right now?”
ZEBULON
Right, because like, what the hell?
EFFIE
Exactly.
ZEBULON
You had an opportunity to sit down with Leif and talk about what this place was.
EFFIE
That’s right. Leif, thanks for sitting down with me today.
LEIF
My turn now?
AVA
Good luck.
LEIF
Hey. Yeah. Great to be here?
EFFIE
You and Caspar were saying that this place in the deep freeze was a pocket dimension. Tell us about that.
LEIF
Well, I’m not much of a theoretical guy, but the concept is that any given universe starts off small and slowly expands. If that’s the case there will still be universes where it seems like all of existence is only, say, a few feet wide. That’s the theory anyway.
EFFIE
Well you say it’s a theory but the first time you met Gloria you were hiding in a pocket dimension, isn’t that right?
LEIF
Well, I called it that but honestly that could’ve been anything. I’m one of those “anything can be anything” guys but I don’t talk about that a lot because if the words “Principle of Fecundity” come out of my mouth then Ava throws things at me.
SFX: SNOWBALL HITTING LEIF’S HEAD.
LEIF (CONT'D) OW!
AVA
No Principle of Fecundity!
LEIF
ANYWAYS. I don’t think this is a pocket dimension I think this is our original universe.
EFFIE
What makes you say that?
LEIF
There would be different laws of physics in other universes. Everything seems like home here. Things go up, they come down. A Russian dude’s voice is stored on a tape using the powers of electromagnetism. This is our universe, we’re just somewhere else in it. Ask Ava, she’ll say the same.
AVA
Yeah, I think he’s right.
EFFIE
Well, Leif, you’re an engineer. You make things that go whoosh, things that go boom, things like that.
LEIF
Sure.
EFFIE
So what is the deep freeze, then? How did it get you here?
LEIF
Honestly, that’s the easy part. The tech to move a body from one place to the other is pretty common. Even on Earth, backwater as it is, there are theoretical designs, they just have one really glaring problem. A power source. The amount of energy you would need to manipulate space isn’t going to come from internal combustion, you need more juice than that.
CASPAR
Why have we stopped?
GLORIA
There’s something wrong with the wolves. They’re all gathered around that tree.
AVA
Ooh. There’s a tape up there.
GLORIA
How do you know?
AVA
Because I’m Gandalf.
LEIF
Caspar, you should climb up there and see if there’s a tape.
CASPAR
Why should I climb up there?
LEIF
Because... dwarves are good at climbing.
CASPAR
I’m not a dwarf!
AVA
As Gandalf, I did my part by knowing the tape was there. You do your part. Up the tree, shorty.
CASPAR
Nowhere in the Lord of the Rings does it say Dwarves are good at climbing.
LEIF
Bro, The Hobbit, chapter six, don’t make me quote it.
CASPAR
Oh for fuck’s sake. Fine.
SFX: CASPAR TRUDGING OFF TOWARD THE TREE.
LEIF
I guess technically since Legolas is a wood elf I should climb the tree.
AVA
You’re doing your part, your name starts with “L”.
GLORIA
This doesn’t look right.
AVA
Yeah, Caspar climbing a tree looks wrong for some reason.
CASPAR
Found it!
LEIF
Nice.
CASPAR
Who’s got the tape recorder?
LEIF
I’ve got it. Give it here.
CASPAR
Look at that, I climbed a tree.
AVA
The heroism.
VLADIMIR
Well hello there, my mysterious friend. It seems you are following my trail. This is good news for your friend Vladimir. Perhaps my story will be told after all. I leave this message for you here as a warning. You are entering a very narrow part of the valley, with high mountains on either side. Because you are probably not Russian you will not recognize when a mountain is on the brink of avalanche. Be very quiet as you travel through this part of the valley, my friend. Buried in snow is a terrible way to die.
ZEBULON
Chapter three: In the Valley of the Whispers!
SONG: SPECIALLY CHOSEN IN THE VALLEY OF THE WHISPERS THEME MUSIC.
CASPAR
Anyone in favor of me ripping the batteries out of all the walkie talkies?
GLORIA
No, don’t. C’mon, I know they’re acting crazy but I like that they’re with us.
CASPAR
Fine. Gloria, no howling at the moon until we’re through this valley.
GLORIA
No problem.
CASPAR
Let’s go.
SFX: SEVERAL FEET TRUDGING THROUGH THE SNOW.
EFFIE
Now, for most people, being as quiet as you can as you cross through a valley is not much of a problem. For this group however-
ZEBULON
It’s a whole different story.
EFFIE
I thought it would be hilarious to take this time to interview the one person who would have the hardest time in The Valley of the Whispers.
ZEBULON
Caspar.
CASPAR
(Whispering)
Goddamn it.
EFFIE
Caspar, thanks for being with us today.
CASPAR
(Whispering)
So great to be here, go fuck yourself.
EFFIE
I was curious about something, Caspar. You said yesterday “Do you have any idea how many shifts I’ve worked?” Which begs the question, how many shifts have you worked?
CASPAR
(Whispering)
I really have no idea.
EFFIE
I know what you mean, sometimes when we’re editing the show I look up and I think “how long have we been here.” But seriously, give me a ballpark. More or less than five hundred?
CASPAR
(Whispering)
I really have no idea.
EFFIE
How about this, when did you first show up at the diner?
CASPAR
(Whispering)
Give me the walkie talkies.
GLORIA
(Whispering)
No, Caspar, come on.
CASPAR
(Whispering)
I’m not going to take out the batteries, just give me the walkie talkies.
GLORIA
(Whispering)
Do you promise?
CASPAR
(Whispering)
Yes. Give me the damn things.
GLORIA
(Whispering)
Okay.
CASPAR
(Whispering)
You guys go ahead, I need to talk to our two hosts.
LEIF
(Whispering)
Don’t yell at them.
CASPAR
(Whispering)
Would you just go?
SFX: FOOTSTEPS FADE AWAY.
CASPAR (CONT'D)
(Whispering)
Okay, you two. I’ve put up with a lot of nonsense out of you for the past few days and I’ve been very patient. The mysterious songs, the random quotations, the sudden silence, not to mention the time you flew us into a supermassive black hole without any explanation. And now here we are, stuck in the deep freeze without any way out and you two have decided to suddenly become WNYC’s Radiolab. And I’ve put up with that too. But I think all three of us are aware that the line of questioning you were on just now is crossing a line. So how about you guys go back to playing your fun theme music before I start screaming at the top of my lungs and bury us in fifteen feet of snow?
SONG: SPECIALLY CHOSEN IN THE VALLEY OF THE WHISPERS THEME MUSIC.
CASPAR (CONT'D)
Thank you for being with us today...
SFX: MUSIC FADES, REPLACED BY THE SOUND OF A CAMPFIRE.
LEIF
(Whispering)
Hey, fire looks great.
GLORIA
(Whispering)
Where were you?
LEIF
(Whispering)
I was getting to know your new friends. Wolves are so fun.
GLORIA
(Whispering)
Aw. I love them so much. If we ever get out of here I’m going to miss the crap out of them.
LEIF
(Whispering)
So, I think I’m starting to get to know you.
GLORIA
(Whispering)
Oh really? Please explain.
LEIF
(Whispering)
When we all came down here and I saw you had become Gloria the Wolf Queen I was like “Yeah, that sounds like something she would do.”
GLORIA
(Whispering)
That’s funny.
LEIF
(Whispering)
Effie and Zebulon are right, you do kind of just jump into things.
GLORIA
(Whispering)
You know what’s weird? I wasn’t always like that. I was a planner. I always had everything scheduled like I was running an army base.
LEIF
(Whispering)
What happened?
GLORIA
(Whispering)
Well, I lost everything. God literally laughed at my plans. I’ve seen some really weird shit since I’ve been here, but I have yet to wrap my mind around the fact that one day I was running a restaurant and then suddenly the next day no one could even talk to each other. It all just vanished. As horrible as that was, something good came along with it.
LEIF
(Whispering)
I can relate to that. Cruise around the starways enough and you find yourself in a constant conversation with the universe. Bad shit happens, you live through it, and then you say “Oh, that wasn’t the end of the world? Okay. What is, then?”
GLORIA
(Whispering)
What do you think they’re talking about over there?
LEIF
(Whispering)
I don’t know. They’re so weird. You know, in the rare moments that they’re nice to each other they literally look over their shoulders to make sure no one is watching them be nice. It’s ridiculous.
VLADIMIR
I have developed a new respect for the old masters; Galileo and Pythagoras. They had no institutes or computational devices. Only their perception and candlelight. In tribute to them, today I have used my ingenuity. Using the sunbeams through the tree branches and the straight lines they provide, I believe I have calculated the curvature of this strange new planet.
AVA
(Whispering)
Cool.
CASPAR
(Whispering)
Yes, but can he climb a tree?
VLADIMIR
If my calculations are correct, this planet is massive. Three times the size of Jupiter, I believe.
AVA
(Whispering)
Whoa.
VLADIMIR
In fact, I hypothesize that this planet does not revolve around it’s nearby star but rather they rotate around each other much like a binary star system, and the moons I see in the sky are in fact the other planets in this system, all of them revolving around us. Such incredible gravitational forces. If we could harness such power, think of the freedoms it would give us. We could end all human scarcity. We could transform ourselves.
AVA
(Whispering)
Cool guy.
CASPAR
(Whispering)
So, what was his deal?
AVA
(Whispering)
His deal?
CASPAR
(Whispering)
Yeah, like what was he famous for?
AVA
(Whispering)
Honestly, he was famous for disappearing, but before that: nuclear winter.
CASPAR
(Whispering)
What do you mean?
AVA
(Whispering)
He used physics to predict the outcome of a thermonuclear war. During the Cold War both sides were trying to convince themselves that they could win. He was the guy who said that, even if you win, you lose. Honestly, the world he predicted isn’t much different from this planet.
A gray sky, everything covered in snow. Except in his version the snow, and everything else, is radioactive.
CASPAR
(Whispering)
Sorry you never got to meet him.
AVA
(Whispering)
He could still be alive.
CASPAR
(Whispering)
What? No, he couldn’t. The way time works on this planet it could’ve been hundreds of years since he first came here.
AVA
(Whispering)
But remember what I said about time and gravity? If this really is a planet and a star in binary rotation we don’t know how gravity may shift. Time could actually speed up and slow down.
CASPAR
(Whispering)
That sounds like a reach to me.
AVA
(Whispering)
You sound despondent, Caspar. Remember, in times such as these it’s not for us to decide our fate, we can only decide what to do with the time we’ve been given.
CASPAR
(Whispering)
You’re doing Gandalf.
AVA
(Whispering)
I am. Would you like to do some Gimli quotes?
CASPAR
(Whispering)
I would not.
EFFIE
I have so many feelings about the moment at the campsite.
ZEBULON
Move over sister, ‘cause I have them too.
EFFIE
You just really feel like they care about each other.
ZEBULON
They feel like a team, y’know? They feel like a family.
GLORIA
(Whispering)
Psst. Guys. Valley of the Whispers.
ZEBULON
(Whispering)
Sorry.
SONG: SPECIALLY CHOSEN IN THE VALLEY OF THE WHISPERS THEME MUSIC.
SFX: MUSIC FADES, REPLACED WITH THE SOUNDS OF A LAKE AND LOW HUM.
ZEBULON (CONT'D)
So many epic journeys end at the sea. The 400 Blows, The Warriors, Planet of the Apes.
EFFIE
It’s a lake though.
ZEBULON
I know, but you get it.
EFFIE
Sure.
ZEBULON
As our heroes finally arrive at the mysterious structure at the shore of the lake, the news is bittersweet to say the least.
EFFIE
For sure. Because there stands the mysterious structure. It’s a large, glowing semi-circle, two-stories tall that looks like the entry to a magical kingdom.
ZEBULON
And that’s the sweet part. The bitter part is first discovered by Gloria’s wolves.
SFX: WOLVES WIMPERING.
GLORIA
Guys, what is it?... Oh.
CASPAR
What is it, Gloria?
GLORIA
Sorry, guys. I think they found Vladimir.
EFFIE
The only thing left of Vladimir was a pile of bones. And on top of that pile of bones, one final cassette tape.
GLORIA
I think he would want us to play this tape, guys.
CASPAR
Ava, are you okay?
AVA
I’m fine. Play the tape, Leif.
LEIF
Yeah, okay.
VLADIMIR
I believe my final battery is dying. This will have to be my final message. I have yet to discover the purpose of the mysterious structure on the shores of this lake. It is beautiful. Obviously built by a great intelligence. But so far it is an intelligence beyond my own. Perhaps for communication. I do not know. Regardless, I wish to speak to you now, my mysterious friend. Know this, if you are hearing this message then together we are victorious. For my story has been told. I will live on at least in your memory. Tomorrow I will journey to my first camp and deposit the tape recorder there for you to find. Do svidaniya.
CASPAR
At least we found the tapes.
GLORIA
Yeah. That’s what I would’ve wanted.
AVA
I would’ve wanted to live.
GLORIA
Yeah, just... failing that, I mean...
CASPAR
Okay, guys, look, let’s just try and focus on not ending up like him, okay?
GLORIA
Yeah, I agree.
LEIF
We’re not going to end up like him.
CASPAR
What do you mean?
LEIF
I’m sorry about this, it’s going to add an extra sting to finding Vladimir’s remains. This structure, it’s an Urt Door.
CASPAR
It’s a what?
LEIF
Urt Door? Anybody?
CASPAR
What is it, Leif?
LEIF
It’s pretty common technology, actually. You power it up, walk through and you come out the other end at the corresponding door. Simple spatial distortion, nothing fancy. This is the way out.
GLORIA
Why didn’t he use it?
LEIF
Well, it’s alien technology, he didn’t know how it worked. I mean, the guy was working with 1985 information I wouldn’t have been able to figure it out either.
AVA
The exit was right there.
LEIF
Yeah, Ava. I’m sorry.
CASPAR
Shit. Okay. Well, fire it up, Leif.
LEIF
Sure, give me a minute.
CASPAR
I’m sorry, Ava.
AVA
Would you guys stop saying that? It’s fine. I didn’t know him or anything. Let’s get out of here, I didn’t bring my cigarettes with me.
CASPAR
Fine. Gloria, we’re going to have to go.
GLORIA
Oh, man. Okay. Guys, gather round.
SONG: TEARFUL GOODBYE MUSIC.
CASPAR
What the hell is that music?
SFX: WOLVES WIMPERING.
GLORIA
V, Jungkook, Jimin, Suga, Jin, RM, J-Hope. I want you to know that I love you all very much. But I have my own pack, and I have to go run with them now.
EFFIE
(Fighting back tears)
It’s... so hard to hear her say goodbye to the wolves.
ZEBULON
(Also crying)
I didn’t realize she named them after the members of BTS.
EFFIE
I know that makes it so much harder.
ZEBULON
We should end the show here, I need a good cry.
EFFIE
Me too. Oh, folks. What an emotional journey. Thank you for joining us as we have journeyed... Into the... Deep Freeze.
SONG: MUSIC SWELLS THEN FADES.
SFX: SOUND OF THE GRILL.
CASPAR
Where’s Leif?
GLORIA
Making Ava a grilled cheese sandwich.
CASPAR
Did she ask for a grilled cheese sandwich?
GLORIA
No.
CASPAR
Anything out of Effie and Zeb?
GLORIA
No, they’ve been quiet.
SFX: RADIO CRACKS AND BUZZES.
ZEBULON
-But no matter what his plan may be I’m sure it won’t cause any more disruptions. Nothing but smooth sailing from here on out.
EFFIE
Don’t you worry a bit y’all.
CASPAR
... Are you fucking kidding me?
ZEBULON
I’m sorry... did something happen?
CASPAR
... You know what? No. Everything’s fine. I’m glad to hear there won’t be anything weird coming out of the radio.
EFFIE
Us as well.
ZEBULON
You can count on us, Caspar.
CASPAR
Sure. Zebulon can you just play some music, please?
ZEBULON
Of course.
EFFIE
Glad everything’s normal now.
CASPAR
Yep.
SONG: ROVIN’ GAMBLER BY KELLEY HARREL.
LEIF
Hey, I made you a grilled cheese.
AVA
Why?
LEIF
Um... I don’t know. Idle hands?
AVA
Thanks.
LEIF
Hey listen, I had a thought.
AVA
Okay.
LEIF
Effie and Zebulon were interviewing me and I said the big challenge of any technology is always the power source.
AVA
Okay.
LEIF
And then on the tape Valdimir was talking about how amazing it would be to harness the power of a huge planet like that.
AVA
It would be something.
LEIF
I think that planet we were on... I think it’s the power source.
AVA
For what?
LEIF
For the diner. Harnessing the gravitational power of a planet three times the size of Jupiter? That’s a lot of juice.
AVA
It is a lot of juice.
LEIF
Ava, I think that entire time in the deep freeze... we were in the engine room.
AVA
It’s a very interesting theory, Leif.
LEIF
It is, right?
AVA
I’ll add it to all of the other theories that I have in all of these notebooks.
LEIF
Cool, cool. Okay. I’ll think about it some more.
AVA
Do that.
CASPAR
Want some coffee?
AVA
What I want is for everyone to get the fuck away from me.
CASPAR
Yeah, I didn’t ask about that, I asked if you wanted coffee.
AVA
He died here, Caspar.
CASPAR
Valdimir?
AVA
Yes. He died here. He died here without ever figuring anything out.
CASPAR
That’s true.
AVA
I don’t want to die here.
CASPAR
I know.
AVA
... Yes, I’ll have some coffee.
CASPAR
For what it’s worth, nobody brought Vladimir coffee or made him unsolicited grilled cheese sandwiches.
AVA
You think that makes any difference?
CASPAR
I don’t know, what am I? A fucking scientist?
AVA
... How long have you been here, Caspar?
CASPAR
I don’t remember.
AVA
... Sit down.
CASPAR
Okay.
The End.