Chapter 7: Four Souls
SONG: CUBANAKAN BY LECUONA CUBAN BOYS.
GLORIA
Ava! Ava, where’d you go?
AVA
(Outside)
I’m outside!
GLORIA
It’s happening again.
AVA
(Outside)
Shit!
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
GLORIA
It just started.
AVA
Okay, how long since the last one?
GLORIA
Leif?
LEIF
(In the kitchen)
Yeah?
GLORIA
What’s the timer say?
LEIF
(In the kitchen)
Three hours, forty-two minutes, is it happening again?
AVA
Three hours, forty-two minutes. Seriously?
CASPAR
Is it happening again?
GLORIA
Yeah.
CASPAR
Same song?
GLORIA
Same song.
CASPAR
How long this time?
AVA
Three hours forty-two minutes.
CASPAR
What does that tell us?
AVA
Twenty-one minutes, one hour nine minutes, twelve minutes, three hours fifty-eight minutes, now three hours forty-two minutes. It doesn’t tell us anything.
CASPAR
There’s no pattern to it?
AVA
For hours now, at random times, we lose Effie and Zebulon and this song plays.
LEIF
Could be a conditional signal.
AVA
Could be, but what are the conditions and what’s the signal?
CASPAR
Guys.
AVA
A conditional signal like uh...
LEIF
A radio station. Sometimes it’s strong, sometimes it’s weak.
AVA
Right, because in the right conditions the signal can bounce off the ionosphere and go further.
LEIF
So when the conditions are right we get the song and when they’re not we don’t.
AVA
But we don’t know what those conditions are or what kind of signal it is.
CASPAR
So we don’t know jack shit, is what we’re saying.
AVA
Correct.
CASPAR
We’ve got two scientists now and neither of you have any idea?
AVA
He’s not a scientist, he’s an engineer.
LEIF
Don’t start with that.
CASPAR
What about the song? Could it be a message?
LEIF
I don’t know, I can’t understand the words.
AVA
I guess it could be.
GLORIA
Hi, there.
CASPAR
Oh, right, hi. What is he singing about?
GLORIA
Cuba. Cubanakan is an old-timey word for Cuba.
CASPAR
What does Cuba mean?
GLORIA
Cuba means Cuba.
AVA
What are the lyrics saying?
GLORIA
Cubanakan, mysterious land of love where your songs form like flowers in a garden. Stuff like that. It’s a song about how he loves Cuba.
AVA
Can you write them down?
GLORIA
Yeah, scooch over.
ZEBULON
-And that was Will the Circle be Unbroken by Frank and James McCravey.
CASPAR
No, no it was not.
EFFIE
Did it happen again?
CASPAR
Yes, for the fourth time.
AVA
Fifth time.
ZEBULON
Caspar, I must confess, these interruptions in our broadcast are confounding.
CASPAR
They are confounding and annoying, it’s the same song over and over again. Can you guys think of anything that could be causing this?
ZEBULON
There is perhaps one thing-
EFFIE
Telephone lines. New telephone lines are going up all over the place here in Toadsuck and we think it may be causing some errant and wandering broadcasts to find their way into our wavelengths.
CASPAR
Oh, okay.
AVA
Weak.
CASPAR
Why didn’t you say anything before?
EFFIE
It had slipped our minds until now.
CASPAR
I’m sure that’s what it is then. Maybe we just wait it out and things’ll clear up.
EFFIE
I’m sure they will. In the meantime I believe we are about to set down in our new location so let us all prepare.
CASPAR
Gloria, are we ready?
AVA
Whoa whoa whoa. We’re just glossing over this now?
CASPAR
I’m not glossing over anything, the diner’s about to touch down, we’ve got to move on.
AVA
I’m not moving on.
CASPAR
Oh, no. What are we going to do without all the essential work you do around here? Who will do the incredibly hard work of being an asshole to people?
AVA
That’s not work, that’s how I relax.
CASPAR
Well you must be really relaxed. We open at what time?
FULL CAST MINUS AVA
Six.
CASPAR
That’s right. Weird shit or not, the doors open at six.
AVA
I can’t believe you’re not curious about this. This is new data-
CASPAR
Allow me to illustrate my point of view with a fun analogy.
AVA
Hard pass.
CASPAR
Ancient nordic hunters. They would look up at the aurora borealis and say “What the fuck is that, I wonder.” Did they stop in their tracks and wait until they figured it all out? They did not, because they were about a thousand or so years away from discovering the solar winds that cause the lights in the sky and were about 500 years away from understanding that the sun was not, in fact, the blazing tip of Odin’s spear or whatever.
So despite the mysteries in the sky, they got on with their day because caribou do not shoot themselves. Gloria, are we ready?
GLORIA
We’re ready.
CASPAR
Leif, everything oiled up back there?
LEIF
Yeah.
CASPAR
Effie, Zebulon, put on some music that doesn’t make Ava suspicious and let’s serve some hamburgers to some aliens or something.
AVA
The priorities around here are completely screwed.
CASPAR
Sorry to hear that, Ma’am. Please fill out a comment card.
SONG:I’M ALABAMA BOUND BY CHARLIE JACKSON
SFX: THE NEW WORLD SNAPS INTO FOCUS. SOUNDS OF BURNING WRECKAGE.
CASPAR (CONT’D) Holy shit.
GLORIA
Oh my God.
CASPAR
What the hell is that?
LEIF
Whatever it is, it’s huge and on fire.
AVA
What a wonderful start to the workday.
CASPAR
Okay, enough out of you.
GLORIA
Effie, any vibes about what this is or where we are?
EFFIE
I am told that whatever it is outside, it’s very... large... and enflamed.
GLORIA
Okay.
AVA
Amazing, so the big flaming thing outside is a big flaming thing?
LEIF
I’m going to have a look.
CASPAR
Let’s all go. Ava, come on.
AVA
I’m good.
CASPAR
I promise there will be time to be angry later. Can you please come look at the burning, twisted wreckage outside?
AVA
Fine.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
ZEBULON
Telephone lines, Dear?
EFFIE
Sweetheart you know I don’t like bearing false witness to our companions.
ZEBULON
Nor do I.
EFFIE
But I do believe our words provide them comfort amidst the chaos. If we conveyed to them our recent difficulties I fear it may have harsh consequences.
ZEBULON
As it may have consequences to keep it from them.
SFX: BURNING WRECKAGE
GLORIA
One time I put a fork in my garbage disposal. This looks like the big version of that.
CASPAR
What was this?
LEIF
It was a ship. Command deck’s there. Stern is split in two over there.
CASPAR
A spaceship or some other kind of ship?
LEIF
Definitely a spaceship. It’s got burns all over but there and there by the nose cone you can see reentry burns.
AVA
There’s writing on the side.
LEIF
Yeah, I don’t recognize it. It looks official, it’s from a government of some kind.
AVA
Passenger ship?
LEIF
I think it’s too small. Thirty meters, I’m guessing.
AVA
Crew of four or five?
LEIF
Something like that.
CASPAR
Have you noticed that now we know Lief’s an engineer, he’s using the metric system?
GLORIA
I have noticed. I don’t like the metric system.
CASPAR
Neither do I. I like measuring by feet.
GLORIA
I imagine an actual foot when I measure by feet.
CASPAR
Exactly, I can visualize it. A meter? What is that? I can’t picture it in my head.
AVA
Excuse me, idiots?
CASPAR
Sorry.
AVA
It’s a deep space exploration vessel.
LEIF
Oh yeah? Why do you think?
AVA
There’s bits of reflective material everywhere.
LEIF
Oh, okay. Ionic sail?
AVA
Ionic sail supplemented with some sort of sub-light speed drive?
LEIF
Yeah, they don’t have a spatial drive, the explosion from the power source would’ve atomized the hull.
CASPAR
Okay, so a spaceship. Thank you.
GLORIA
Do you think there’s any survivors?
AVA
No. This particular TV dinner was NOT poked with a fork.
GLORIA
That’s sad.
CASPAR
Alright. Well, there’s not much we can do at this point. Let’s head back in.
GLORIA
Shouldn’t we say something?
CASPAR
Like what?
GLORIA
Whoever was on this ship is dead and they crashed on a planet far from home. Shouldn’t we acknowledge that somehow?
AVA
I thought we just did.
GLORIA
In a way that doesn’t compare them to a TV dinner.
AVA
Oh.
CASPAR
Okay. Sure. Let’s go inside and we’ll have Zebulon say some sort of bible thing.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
EFFIE
Welcome back, y’all. What awaited you outside?
CASPAR
A lot of wreckage and, sadly, no survivors.
ZEBULON
Oh, my.
GLORIA
Zeb, whoever was on that ship died a really long way from home. Do you think you could, y’know...
ZEBULON
Of course, Gloria. A few words would be appropriate. I think something from the Egyptian Book of the Dead.
CASPAR
Wut?
ZEBULON
My hair is Nu; my face is Ra; my eyes are Hathor; my ears are Wepwawet-
CASPAR
Zeb?
ZEBULON
My nose is She who presides over her lotus leaf-
LEIF
The fuck is this?
ZEBULON
My lips are Anubis-
EFFIE
Dear.
ZEBULON
My molars are Selkis, my incisors are Isis the goddess-
EFFIE
DARLING.
ZEBULON
Hm?
EFFIE
I don’t believe that’s an appropriate reading for this occasion.
ZEBULON
Is it not? It’s... What was I reading?
CASPAR
The Egyptian Book of the Dead, dude.
ZEBULON
Well that’s... I don’t even know what that is.
CASPAR
Zeb are you feeling okay?
ZEBULON
I feel just fine. I can’t imagine what may have happened.
AVA
I would try and figure out what’s going on but, y’know, we open at six.
GLORIA
Guys.
CASPAR
Oh, ha ha.
AVA
Since I’m not allowed to be a scientist once we open I guess I’ll just sit here and think about maybe ordering the Club Sandwich today.
CASPAR
I’ll serve you a club sandwich right up your-
GLORIA
Guys, there’s something coming out of the wreckage.
LEIF
Oh, shit.
GLORIA
See it, over there?
CASPAR
Oh, great. What the hell is that?
LEIF
It’s coming this way.
AVA
Of course it’s coming this way, you know why? We open at six.
CASPAR
Can I get you a kid’s placemat and some crayons?
AVA
Oooh, we have those?
LEIF
It’s a robot.
GLORIA
Aaaaand it’s coming in.
SFX: DOOR CHIME. LURCHING METAL, HYDRAULICS, AND SCRAPING.
CASPAR
Everybody stand back.
SFX: SILENCE. FAINT SOUNDS OF CIRCUITS FRYING AND HISSING.
GLORIA
Welcome to Midnight Burger?
CASPAR
Why isn’t it doing anything?
LEIF
I don’t know. It looks badly damaged.
CASPAR
So it decided to pull itself out of the wreckage, drag itself in here and then turn into a sculpture?
LEIF
I don’t know, man.
ROBOT
Translation key completed. Hello.
CASPAR
Hi.
ROBOT
What is your vessel’s designation?
CASPAR
This isn’t a vessel.
ROBOT
Please explain.
CASPAR
Can we do some introductions here first?
ROBOT
I apologize. I have no data on interactional customs. Introductions. I am B.O.O.F.A.R., operational AI assigned to The Vargan, a deep-space class vessel of the planet Sigius.
CASPAR
I’m sorry, Boofar?
B.O.O.F.A.R.
Yes. I apologize. In my native language it is an acronym B,O,O,F,A,R. It does not translate correctly into your language resulting in the name Boofar.
CASPAR
Okay. I’m Caspar. This is Midnight Burger. What happened to your ship?
B.O.O.F.A.R.
Coronal mass ejection of nearby star. The Vargan was irreparably disabled and drifted into the gravity well of this planet. There were no survivors upon re-entry.
GLORIA
We’re so sorry... Boofar.
B.O.O.F.A.R.
There were no inhabited planets registered in this system
CASPAR
We just got here ourselves.
LEIF
Boofar, you say you’re the ship’s A.I. but you seem to be inside some sort of payload droid.
B.O.O.F.A.R.
Correct assessment. In the event of imminent and catastrophic mission failure, it is the highest priority to safeguard mission data. The coronal ejection had corrupted all data centers. With microseconds to spare I transferred the core mission data as well as crew personal logs into the localized data center of this payload chassis and overwrote it’s operating system with my own.
LEIF
Wow. Smooth move.
B.O.O.F.A.R.
Untranslatable: Smooth move.
LEIF
Oh, uh, good job.
B.O.O.F.A.R.
Updating. Yes. It was a smooth move.
GLORIA
So, what’s happening?
LEIF
The star for this system spat a bunch of energy at them and wrecked their ship. Boofar here is the ships’s brain. To avoid getting wiped by the magnetic wave, it hid inside this payload robot.
B.O.O.F.A.R.
Have we completed introductions?
CASPAR
Yeah, sure.
B.O.O.F.A.R.
You stated you are not a vessel, but also stated you have just arrived. Please explain.
CASPAR
Right, we’re an outpost? From Earth.
B.O.O.F.A.R.
Origin planet unknown. May I have access to your broadcasting array?
AVA
How about an old-timey radio that quotes the Egyptian Book of the Dead for no reason?
B.O.O.F.A.R.
Untranslatable: Egyptian. Untranslatable: Old-Timey.
CASPAR
Why do you need to broadcast something, Boofar?
B.O.O.F.A.R.
I am dying.
CASPAR
You’re-
B.O.O.F.A.R.
My current chassis was only partially shielded from the magnetic wave of the Coronal Mass Ejection. My data centers are corrupted and failing. The majority of my computing power is being used to write, re-write, and erase corrupted code but cascading failure cannot be prevented.
LEIF
Shit.
CASPAR
What’s up?
LEIF
He’s basically using his brain to keep his brain from dying but he can’t do it fast enough.
CASPAR
Fuck. Boofar, what do you need to broadcast?
B.O.O.F.A.R.
To preserve mission data I must attempt to transmit to our home world. I require a high-powered communications laser and advanced targeting system.
CASPAR
Do we have anything like that?
LEIF
I’m standing here with a spatula in my hand, what do you think?
CASPAR
Goddamn it. Boofar we don’t have anything like that here. I’m sorry.
B.O.O.F.A.R.
Understood. Unable to preserve data. Mission status: failed.
CASPAR
There’s nothing we can do?
LEIF
If I had a year and everything I needed.
CASPAR
Well Boofar, you’re a huge bummer.
B.O.O.F.A.R.
Untranslatable: Bummer.
GLORIA
Caspar.
CASPAR
What?
GLORIA
It’s dying, can you whip up some sympathy maybe?
AVA
It’s not dying, Gloria. It’s just the ship’s operating system trying to complete its protocols.
GLORIA
That doesn’t mean we can’t be nice.
AVA
Let me guess, you named your first car, didn’t you?
GLORIA
I may have.
ZEBULON
If we may chime in here. Mr. Boofar, we would like to express our sympathies for the loss of your crew and are very sorry that we could not help in the completion of your mission. We are also sorry that our friends have not expressed their sympathies for you loss as surely any civilized person would.
CASPAR
Okay, sorry.
EFFIE
We often find that a cup of coffee and a nice slice of pie is appreciated in moments like this, but you don’t appear to have a mouth.
B.O.O.F.A.R.
Unknown entity. Please identify.
EFFIE
Uh, Excuse me?
B.O.O.F.A.R.
Unknown entity. Please identify. When entering this structure, scans revealed four bipedal species. Please identify.
ZEBULON
Well I’m Zebulon Mucklewain here with my wife, Effie.
EFFIE
Pleased to meet you.
CASPAR
This is our outpost’s A.I., Boofar. They uh, help us?
EFFIE
Watch it, Mister.
B.O.O.F.A.R.
Understood. Anthropomorphized A.I. Designed for long term mission.
CASPAR
Yes. That. Um... I don’t know what to do at this point, Boofar. How much time do you think you have?
B.O.O.F.A.R.
I have been unable to create an estimate. System failure could occur at any time.
GLORIA
This is horrible.
CASPAR
I wish we could be more help, I’m so sorry.
LEIF
Feeling kind of helpless right now.
ZEBULON
Mr. Boofar. I believe in times such as these, it’s important to call things what they are.
B.O.O.F.A.R.
Is there another thing you would call them?
EFFIE
Yes. We find that a great many things are called something they aren’t in an effort to make the world something it isn’t.
B.O.O.F.A.R.
Understood.
ZEBULON
Mr. Boofar. You have reached the end of your life. Perhaps in these final moments we should take time to reflect.
AVA
Are you kidding me?
B.O.O.F.A.R.
Please explain.
EFFIE
In the final days of one’s life it’s important to look back on your achievements. As it says in the Egyptian Book of the Dead, man is to become God-like through a life of virtue and the cultivation of the spirit through scientific knowledge, practice, and bodily discipline... I just did it too, didn’t I?
AVA
Yep.
B.O.O.F.A.R.
Processing.
CASPAR
Guys, I don’t know what’s going on, are you going to be able to keep it together or are we going to have a situation on our hands?
B.O.O.F.A.R.
Understood. A performance review is in order at the end of one’s mission. Was that your intention?
EFFIE
Um, Yes?
GLORIA
I’m sure you guys saw some amazing things on your mission. It might be nice to look back on them.
B.O.O.F.A.R.
Very well... Performance review completed. Throughout seven year mission systems operated at 94% efficiency. Thank you, that was very helpful.
GLORIA
I don’t think that’s what we meant.
AVA
Guys, this pile of metal is not your dying grandma it’s just a machine. The Apple Care has run out and now it’s time to, y’know, put a drill through the hard drive and upgrade to the next model.
GLORIA
Ava.
CASPAR
I am NOT putting you in charge of planning my funeral.
AVA
That’s disappointing, Caspar. I had plans to shoot your body out of a cannon.
LEIF
Ava, I know it’s weird but I mean, we’re open, he walked in. We should help, right?
AVA
He? IT walked in the door trying to preserve IT’s mission data because IT has protocols written by someone else.
GLORIA
Well, we have to do something.
AVA
Hey, if you guys want to play around with Teddy Ruxpin, that’s fine. I just want us all to acknowledge that we cannot actually do anything to help but we want to feeeeeeel like we are. So now we are taking this hunk of metal and giving it feeeeelings so that we can help it with it’s feeeeeelings.
GLORIA
As far as I’m concerned, we have a customer and his name is Boofar.
AVA
Let me show you how not true that is. Hey Boofar, I don’t like your name. Your name is Steve now.
STEVE
Confirmed. I am now Steve.
AVA
You guys have fun, I’m going out for a smoke.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
GLORIA
Leif, this is the point where you say “She has a point, though.” Don’t say that.
LEIF
She does have a point.
GLORIA
Leif.
LEIF
Sorry. Our friend Steve is just a pile of metal and circuitry right now. He’s a repository of core mission data, it’s hard to call him a customer.
CASPAR
Can we sit on this for a while, I really don’t want Ava to be right.
ZEBULON
My friends, perhaps it’s because I’m simple country folk, but are we in danger making a turnip into a cotillion?
CASPAR
Zeb, what the fuck?
EFFIE
What my husband is saying is perhaps we are going the long way round a dried out creek.
ZEBULON
We’re in danger of taking the lazy train to Shreveport.
CASPAR
Nobody knows what that means.
GLORIA
Wait. Steve, you said you saved the core mission data and something else, right?
STEVE
Core mission data and crew personal logs.
GLORIA
The crew personal logs weren’t part of the core mission data?
STEVE
Correct.
GLORIA
Why did you save them?
STEVE
...Processing... Unclear.
GLORIA
You don’t know why you saved them?
STEVE
They are not considered essential mission data but rather a tool for crew coherence during extended missions in deep space.
LEIF
That’s weird.
GLORIA
Steve you’re a computer, how could you not know why you did something?
STEVE
Unclear.
ZEBULON
Again, y’all seem to puzzle over something quite simple.
EFFIE
They were his friends and he lost them. Of course he would save something to remember them by.
CASPAR
Yeah, but he’s not supposed to do that, he’s a pile of metal and circuitry.
ZEBULON
As you and I are just a pile of flesh and bone, my friend. And yet...
LEIF
Hm. Hey Steve?
STEVE
I am Steve.
LEIF
Can you do an analysis of the crew’s personal logs, look for any, I don’t know, common threads?
STEVE
Processing...
GLORIA
So, this whole time you guys never met a robot that was alive? I figured there’d be a lot of that.
CASPAR
Um...
LEIF
Well, there Clitus-43.
CASPAR
Oh yeah, Clitus. He was definitely alive.
LEIF
Like, TOO alive.
CASPAR
Yeah, he was a lot. Like, you had to take a break from him sometimes.
STEVE
Analysis complete. The crew of The Vargan consisted of three. Captain Therin Jonger, Science Officer Eliak Seers, and Systems Analyst Lowan Regan. All crew logs consist of the following commonality: all had specific plans for their return home to Sigius.
CASPAR
Awesome. So we’ve gone from depressing to depressing.
GLORIA
Kind of threw some gasoline on the fire, I guess.
LEIF
This whole shift has been a tremendous downer.
GLORIA
Wait, I have an idea. Let’s do some of the things.
CASPAR
What?
GLORIA
Some of the things they wanted to do when they returned home. Let’s do some to, I don’t know, pay homage.
ZEBULON
Well that’s an interesting sentiment.
EFFIE
I agree, husband.
ZEBULON
After all, as it says in the Egyptian Book of the Dead, aw snails...
CASPAR
Oh for christ’s sake, just let it out Zebulon, go ahead.
ZEBULON
(Sighing)
As it says in the Egyptian Book of the Dead, human consciousness and universal consciousness are in reality one and the same. Oh... well, that’s nice isn’t it?
EFFIE
It is. One might say that for one man to complete another’s journey is for it to be completed for all.
GLORIA
Yeah, or something like that. Let’s try one. Steve, what did the Captain want to do when he got home?
STEVE
Captain Therin Jonger often longed to return to a certain establishment near his home where citizens came to imbibe refreshments and socialize. He wished to have an important conversation with two friends there.
CASPAR
Oh, okay. He wanted to go to his local bar.
LEIF
Simple enough.
CASPAR
We’ve never needed an excuse to drink the moonshine under the counter but now we have one.
LEIF
Actually, let me try something. Hey, Steve, can you take the data from Captain Jonger’s personal log and create a rudimentary simulacrum of his personality?
STEVE
Processing...
CASPAR
He’s going to play the Captain?
LEIF
Sure, why not?
CASPAR
Okay. Look, guys, if we’re going to do this let’s just agree not to tell Ava about it because I just don’t want to fucking hear it, okay?
GLORIA
Agreed.
LEIF
Great idea.
STEVE
I have created a simulation of Captain Jonger. I will not be able to mimic his persona but I have been able to assemble his various desires and intentions. Though, I am unclear on the purpose of this exercise.
GLORIA
You saved the personal diaries of the crew without knowing why. Maybe acting out Captain Jonger’s last wishes will help you understand why you saved them.
STEVE
I see. An exploratory simulation.
CASPAR
Okay, Leif and I will be here at the counter. We’ll be your buddies at the bar and you approach us as the Captain. Is this the stupidest thing I’ve ever done? Yes. But here we go.
STEVE
Commencing simulation.
CASPAR
Well here I am at the bar, and I’ve got to tell you I sure do miss our friend, Captian Jonger.
LEIF
Boy, me too. I wonder where he is out there in the cosmos. I sure hope, wherever he is, he knows his friends are thinking about him.
STEVE
Greetings, old friends. It is I, Captain Jonger. I have returned from my mission in deep space.
LEIF
Holy shit!
CASPAR
Captain! You’ve returned!
STEVE
You are my two friends, Lin and Conar.
CASPAR
That’s exactly who we are.
LEIF
We’re definitely those people.
STEVE
My friends, I must tell you of the things I have learned on my long journey.
CASPAR
Okay, getting right to it, I guess.
LEIF
What’s secrets of the universe have you unlocked, Captain?
STEVE
I have learned that I must divorce my wife.
CASPAR
Wow. Okay. Curve-ball.
STEVE
I know this may seem like a strange revelation.
CASPAR
Well, usually people come back from a seven year space mission with something like “I have discovered the nature of existence” and not “My wife sucks”.
STEVE
I understand your confusion, but one cannot control how one changes.
LEIF
I thought this would be more light hearted.
CASPAR
Yeah, he doesn’t seem to have any small talk protocols.
STEVE
In year four of our mission, we had come upon a binary star system. I looked upon these two stars rotating around their barycenter and my thoughts turned to my wife. We were like these two stars, locked into an eternal dance only due to chance and gravity, unable to recall a moment where we chose each other and unable to escape this rotation.
Knowing that to move closer would obliterate us both.
CASPAR
This went from fun idea to Russian novel real fast.
LEIF
I’m forgetting that personal logs weren’t meant to be shared publicly.
STEVE
Soon I will be divorced from my wife and we can celebrate at an establishment where females remove their clothing as part of a financial agreement.
CASPAR
Captain! Whoa, have you really thought about this?
STEVE
Simulation ended.
CASPAR
Oh. Okay. That was quick.
STEVE
Processing...
CASPAR
What is he processing?
GLORIA
He just had an emotional experience, he needs to decompress.
CASPAR
You’re going way further down the rabbit hole than we are, by the way.
STEVE
Interesting.
LEIF
Steve, what’s up?
STEVE
There has been a change in my data environment. It is as though a task has been completed, but no task that appeared on any of my duty rosters.
EFFIE
Sounds like you did work you didn’t know needed doing.
STEVE
Affirmative. There appear to be items for completion that are not apparent in data surveys.
LEIF
Do you think there may be a subroutine you didn’t know about?
STEVE
Subroutine not detected. It is a mystery.
GLORIA
Well, something’s happening, let’s try another.
STEVE
Yes, more data is required.
CASPAR
Who’s next on the list?
STEVE
Science Officer Eliak Seers.
GLORIA
Should we tell Ava about this?
CASPAR
Let’s not. I think we can handle this without a theoretical physicist.
STEVE
We shall require a theoretical physicist.
CASPAR
Walked right into that one, didn’t I? Why?
STEVE
Doctor Seers remarked in his personal log that he longs to return home and debate his contemporaries on topics concerning macro versus quantum physics.
CASPAR
It couldn’t have been to finally sing karaoke or something, it couldn’t have been that?
STEVE
Untranslatable: karaoke.
CASPAR
Okay, fine. I’m going to go outside and talk to Ava and then, I’m sure, suffer the consequences of that for years to come.
GLORIA
Good luck!
SFX: DOOR CHIME. SOUND OF BURNING WRECKAGE.
CASPAR
Whatcha doin’?
AVA
Inspecting the wreckage for something cool to take.
CASPAR
Like what?
AVA
Ray-gun? Lightsaber?
CASPAR
Please never arm yourself.
AVA
How’s it going with The Iron Giant?
CASPAR
Funny you should ask. I need you to come inside and argue with a robot.
AVA
No, thanks.
CASPAR
Ava.
AVA
I’m good out here with the flaming wreckage, thanks.
CASPAR
Don’t you want to know why?
AVA
I’m good.
CASPAR
Nothing like the curious spirit of a scientist.
AVA
I’m not curious about things I already understand.
CASPAR
Something kind of weird is going on in there.
AVA
I’ll tell you exactly what’s going on in there. You’re having a funeral for a Barbie Doll.
CASPAR
No, we’re not.
AVA
You’re Tom Hanks on the island and he’s Wilson the volleyball.
CASPAR
It’s not that either.
AVA
We need to talk about something.
CASPAR
I’m trying to talk to you about something.
AVA
Something weird is going on.
CASPAR
Something weird is always going on-
AVA
I don’t mean the usual weird stuff, I mean the new weird stuff.
CASPAR
Look, I get it. Effie and Zebulon have been acting weird lately.
AVA
First the supermassive black hole, then the weird Cuban song, now the Egyptian Book of the Dead.
CASPAR
I know.
AVA
This place, in its own screwed up way, I think is starting to show us how it works. I’m trying to get to the bottom of what the hell is happening and everyone else wants to have a puppet show with a robot.
CASPAR
I can’t control who walks in the door.
AVA
No one has walked in the door. There is no person in there to help.
Don’t you think it’s more important to understand this place where we spend every second of our lives?
CASPAR
You know what? No. No, I don’t. I don’t want to know. Did they have you dissect a frog in high school?
AVA
Yes.
CASPAR
You thought it was fascinating, right?
AVA
Of course.
CASPAR
I didn’t. I thought it was traumatic. You know why? Because I like frogs. I like that they’re alive and exist. I didn’t need to know how they worked. I’d rather have a living frog than the information I get by destroying it. I need this place to open up at 6 every day. That’s what I need. I worry sometimes that all your poking an prodding is going to stop that from happening.
AVA
Why is it so important to you?
CASPAR
Because it is, okay? I’m asking you not to kill the frog. Ava, don’t kill the frog, please.
AVA
Fine, whatever, I won’t kill the frog. Whatever the hell that means.
CASPAR
Can you come in here and argue with this fucking robot, please?
AVA
You’re applying humanity to a pile of metal.
CASPAR
Apply some humanity to yourself. C’mon.
AVA
Fine.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
CASPAR
Okay, here we go.
AVA
Before we begin I’m going to say that this is stupid and all of you are stupid.
GLORIA
Stupid like a fox, though.
AVA
That’s not a thing.
CASPAR
Okay, Steve, what’s the next item on your list?
STEVE
Chief Science Officer Eliak Seers wished to return to his home planet and debate his colleagues regarding the possibility of a theory that unifies both macro and quantum mechanics.
AVA
Oh, joy. The Theory of Everything. Okay, fine. Am I for or against?
STEVE
Against, please.
AVA
Let’s go, then. Fire up what’s left of your brain there, Lugnuts.
STEVE
Creating simulacrum. One moment please...
AVA
I will be calling in favors from all of you, and I plan on all of those favors making you incredibly uncomfortable.
STEVE
Simulacrum completed. Thank you for joining me, Doctor.
AVA
Sure, whatever.
STEVE
We all live within two worlds. A world of gravity and a quantum world. These worlds exist simultaneously yet have ferocious antipathy towards one another.
The world of stars and planets and kaleidoscopic nebulae operate peacefully within the world of macro-physics. Yet if we are taken down to the smallest of realms within a land of giants, we see that the rules change dramatically and any cross-governance of these worlds seems elusive.
GLORIA
Are there going to be subtitles for this?
LEIF
There’s a very big world and a very small world, they have a separate set of rules and their rules often contradict each other.
GLORIA
So it’s like having divorced parents?
LEIF
Exactly.
STEVE
But in my travels through space I have had an unimpeded view of the universe’s origins, and there I have witnessed a macroscopic fingerprint that can be traced to microscopic phenomena. I believe that within the cosmic microwave background may be indicators of this unifying theory that has eluded us for so long.
AVA
I’m going to stop you right there because you’re about to say the words “higher dimensions”.
STEVE
Incorporating higher dimensions is an excellent way to reconcile macro and quantum realms.
AVA
And carnival mirrors are a great way for me to look taller, but that doesn’t make it so. You see, I am a higher dimension refusnik.
STEVE
Untranslatable: refusnik.
AVA
You’ll catch up. Any time quantum physics isn’t playing nice we use 4th and 5th dimensional thinking to try and make up for the deficits in our theories, but you also can’t prove that these higher dimensions exist. Where is the wisdom in saying “You see this unprovable thing? I’m going to prove it using these other unprovable things.”
STEVE
Allow me to disabuse you of this misconception. We follow a mathematical structure that we believe has the capacity to put gravity and quantum mechanics together.
AVA
And here comes String Theory.
STEVE
I am unfamiliar with the term String Theory, but the theory I speak of uses this mathematical structure to weave together the world of quantum mechanics and the world of gravity into one unifying theory.
AVA
Weave it together with a string, perhaps?
STEVE
Oh. I see it now. Yes. String Theory. I like it.
AVA
Let me ask you this: you’re a scientist, sort of, and you operate in the provable world. Keeping that in mind can you say that you believe in String Theory?
STEVE
I... cannot say that.
AVA
Why not?
STEVE
Because String Theory, as you call it, cannot be proven.
AVA
So far you’ve got two unprovable things to illustrate another unprovable thing. How do you feel about that?
STEVE
I disagree with your characterization. I have invented nothing. The mathematical frame work you call String Theory has led me to these higher dimensions. My calculations indicate 10 dimensions with the additional dimension of time. 11 dimensions of space-time.
AVA
Don’t get me wrong, talking about 11 dimensions of space-time is a steamy treat but so is talking about Mr. Darcy.
EFFIE
Amen to that.
GLORIA
Holla.
STEVE
Untranslatable: Mr. Darcy.
AVA
We can’t say it’s real just because we like it. Mr. Darcy is a dreamy fictional character in a book, he isn’t real. He’s ink on a page, just like your theories are only chalk on a chalk board.
STEVE
And yet data from deep space continues to stream in that supports all my theories that you say are just chalk on a chalk board. How can I ignore apparent confirmation from the most primordial deeps of the cosmos?
AVA
Because with new data comes new questions. Think of the provable world as an island, and each time you learn something new, the island gets bigger. But as the island gets bigger so do the shores of ignorance that surround it. The more you know the less you know, y’know?
STEVE
You appear to be arguing against the idea of scientific exploration itself. Since we can never know all of it, why know any of it? Is that what you propose?
AVA
I know it seems that way but... On Earth there was once a very smart man named Charles Sanders Pierce. He said the progress of science would advance to the point where the problem becomes not “What are the laws?” but “Why these laws?” The laws of existence didn’t spring fully formed into the cosmos, they had to come from somewhere. The most likely explanation is that they evolved over time, slowly taking shape into concepts like gravity and electromagnetism. And then if they evolved, are they still evolving?
And if so, how does one create a unifying theory for something that’s constantly evolving?
And as for the other explanation for the laws of existence well... we have to take a big old bong-rip and ask ourselves, why in the world do complex scientific equations when viewed in the right light look identical to the same computer code that makes up your operating system? And if the laws of the universe are code in a gigantic processing center, who then is the author? And what are the laws that govern them? And would we need an even bigger Theory of Everything that encompasses both the author of existence and existence itself?
GLORIA
Whooooooooooooa. Is this what college was like?
LEIF
Pretty much.
STEVE
This has been a fascinating discussion. Though I must admit, it was all a deception.
AVA
I thought so.
STEVE
In my seven years in space I have returned with a suspicion. A suspicion that The Theory of Everything, one grand theory that encompasses all of existence, it is more about us than about the cosmos.
AVA
How so?
STEVE
It comes not from truth, but from our intense desire to look up to the stars and see something simple and elegant rather than the ocean of chaos and entropy it so plainly is. The stars do not deceive us. They tell us who they are every day. Perhaps we have forgotten to listen. Thank you for this discussion, Doctor.
AVA
Don’t mention it, Number Five.
STEVE
End simulation.
LEIF
How do you feel, Steve?
STEVE
There is a definite change in my core data environment, though I cannot identify the cause.
LEIF
You may be working so hard to fend off system failure that you can’t pinpoint the cause.
ZEBULON
Leif, is it so hard to believe that what our friend is trying to do is simply say a farewell to his friends?
LEIF
I know what you’re saying, Zebulon but it’s like Ava just said, it won’t be that way just because we want it to be.
EFFIE
Steven, may I ask you a question?
STEVE
Yes.
EFFIE
Do you miss your crew?
STEVE
The expression of longing is not something I am capable of. I can say that it is very unfortunate that they were unable to return home to Sigius. There appears to be so much they had left unsaid. It would have greatly benefitted their loved ones and the planet entire if they had returned. Is that longing?
EFFIE
What do you think?
STEVE
If I had felt longing, would I not know it?
EFFIE
Maybe. Maybe not. We humans feel all sorts of things without even knowing them.
STEVE
How is this possible?
EFFIE
I don’t know. I think of my father when I think of you, Steven. He was a pastor like my husband and I can count on one hand the number of times I saw a smile on his face. Never saw a tear come down his cheek and never saw fear in his eyes. Throughout his life he remained a mystery to me. But as I stood at the foot of his freshly dug grave upon the day of his funeral, I looked back upon his life and saw a long trail of benevolence. He was a neighbor to be counted on, a pillar of his community, and nary was there a transgression against him that he did not forgive. There were few emotions he expressed to me over the years but there was a long life of good deeds. I believe what you are doing now is a good deed, one to be smiled upon. You don’t need a feeling to surround it to make it human.
STEVE
I see... Question. You are the ship’s AI, how do you recall a father?
CASPAR
Steve, we don’t have a lot of time. There’s one more crew member to go.
STEVE
Yes. Let’s continue. Systems Analyst Lowan Regan is the final crew member. S.A. Regan was the youngest crew member. A prodigy, he was assigned to our deep space mission earlier than all other recruits. He showed great promise. But in his personal logs he often expressed regret that he had devoted so much of his short life to academics. He remarked that when he returned home he would like to meet someone pleasant and go out on a date.
LEIF
Seriously?
STEVE
He expressed great regret that he did not engage socially with more of his contemporaries. And had deep fears that he would never get the chance to.
CASPAR
Oh man.
GLORIA
I can do it.
CASPAR
Yeah?
GLORIA
Sure. I can’t remember the last time I was on a date. This’ll be fun. Tell Lowan I’ll meet him at the booth over there.
CASPAR
Okay, simple enough.
STEVE
Constructing simulacrum.
CASPAR
How much time do you think he’s got left before we lose him?
LEIF
Any second now.
CASPAR
Okay.
STEVE
Hello, my friends. I am about to go on a date.
CASPAR
Yeah, we heard...
GLORIA
Lowan.
CASPAR
-Lowan. Nice work, buddy.
LEIF
Go get ‘em, tiger.
STEVE
I have no idea how to go on a date.
CASPAR
Oh.
LEIF
Shit, okay, uh...
CASPAR
Um... Ask her about her job.
LEIF
Yeah, her life in general.
CASPAR
Listen a lot.
LEIF
Don’t try and be funny.
CASPAR
Try sharing a secret with her.
LEIF
If she asks you to do something illegal, it may be a test.
CASPAR
What?
LEIF
Really gauge the situation at that point, is she kidding or does she actually want to do crimes?
CASPAR
What are you talking about?
LEIF
This is good advice.
CASPAR
Where, the Pirate Isle of Tortuga?
GLORIA
Just send him over here.
CASPAR
Okay. Good luck, Lowan.
STEVE
Hello.
GLORIA
Hi. Lowan, right?
STEVE
Yes. I would like to ask you about your job and your life in general in a non-humorous way while gauging wether or not if you would like to commit crimes.
CASPAR
Smooth.
GLORIA
Sit down, Lowan.
STEVE
Thank you.
GLORIA
Tell me about yourself.
STEVE
I believe I am supposed to ask you that.
GLORIA
Tell me about yourself, Lowan.
STEVE
Of course. My name is Lowan Regan. I was born in the third prefecture of the island of Parnaz on my home planet Sigius, and you?
GLORIA
I was born in the city of Tuscon in the State of Arizona on the planet Earth.
STEVE
Tell me of this place.
GLORIA
Well, it’s very hot. Like so hot it feels like maybe people shouldn’t live there. But then every once and a while it doesn’t feel that way and those days are nice. Tell me about your planet.
STEVE
It is a beautiful place. It consists of 27,543 islands with high volcanic activity. For thousands of years we were tribal and suspicious of each other, but then when we discovered how to harness our planet’s volcanism, it was the dawning of a new age. We took to the stars and became explorers. It is a wonderful time in our history.
GLORIA
That sounds amazing. You’re on a voyage right now, right?
STEVE
Yes. It’s very exciting. I’m part of a unique mission. Our orders are for generalized deep space exploration, but we also have a top secret objective.
GLORIA
Oh, well I suppose you can’t tell me about-
STEVE
May I share with you my top secret objective? I am told sharing a secret on a date is good advice.
GLORIA
Okay, sure.
STEVE
In addition to deep space exploration, we are also searching for a deep space anomaly known as Anomaly X1.
GLORIA
That sounds cool. What is it?
STEVE
We don’t know. It is an anomaly that only appears in certain scans at random intervals and in randomized locations. The chances of us finding it are quite remote, but we are the first mission to be tasked with finding it.
GLORIA
That sounds very important and exciting, Lowan.
STEVE
What did you do on Earth?
GLORIA
I sold Tacos.
STEVE
Please define “Taco”.
GLORIA
Oof. That’s a tough one these days, actually.
STEVE
It is a matter of debate?
GLORIA
Oh yes. There’s the anti-crunch people, and then anti-cheese people, and the anti-fish people, and then the vegans come along and make everyone mad.
STEVE
It is a food?
GLORIA
Sorry. Yes, it’s food.
STEVE
On my planet, those that feed others are considered of high regard and performing a sacred duty.
GLORIA
As someone who spent her whole life feeding others, I find that hard to believe.
STEVE
It is true. I will show you. The Taco, if it is a matter of debate, what is it to you?
GLORIA
To me? Well... I think of it like this: You take something simple, a tortilla. And you fill it with a lot of history. You fill it with where you’re from, where your parents are from, you fill it with where you are at that moment, and you fill it with a lot of hard work. And then you give it to someone you care about.
STEVE
It is a food and a historical document?
GLORIA
Yes, yes it really is.
STEVE
It sounds to me like it is a sacred duty.
GLORIA
Sure, okay. It’s weird to talk about it, actually. It feels like years ago.
STEVE
You no longer make tacos?
GLORIA
No, sadly. Back on Earth there was this outbreak of a really nasty virus. Everyone had to stay indoors for a long time and a lot of places where you can get tacos had to shut down.
STEVE
I am confused. It sounds as though this was a time of great need. Why would establishments that provide for people be shuttered?
GLORIA
Honestly, it was all a really big mess. I don’t even know how to talk about it. See, Earth isn’t like your planet. We’re not space-faring explorers, we haven’t harnessed the volcanic power of our planet. We’re all still kind of stumbling around, trying to figure things out.
STEVE
You are not a space-faring planet?
GLORIA
No, we’re really not.
STEVE
We are currently on a planet not your own. If you are not an interstellar civilization, how then did you arrive here?
GLORIA
Oh. Uh. Caspar?
CASPAR
Fuck it, Gloria. Just tell him.
GLORIA
Okay. Well, this is going to sound nuts. Lowan, one day I walked into a diner looking for a job and it was this place. Midnight Burger. It looked normal enough but it turned out to be... I don’t even know the words... Every day it shows up somewhere new in the universe... or multi-verse, however I’m supposed to say it. I know, it sounds crazy. I sound crazy.
STEVE
It does sound highly improbable.
GLORIA
It really does, but can you think of another reason why I would be here?
STEVE
I... cannot.
GLORIA
Lowan?
STEVE
You mentioned the Multi-verse.
GLORIA
Yeah.
STEVE
You can confirm the existence of the Multi-verse?
GLORIA
Uh... not me personally.
AVA
Psst. Yes, you can.
GLORIA
Yes I can.
STEVE
And if one were conducting deep scans of the Cosmic Microwave Background from a fixed point in one universe, would this place seem to disappear for several days as it travels between universes within the Multi-verse?
GLORIA
Um.
LEIF
Ahem. Are they mapping the anistropies with angular resolution?
GLORIA
Are you map- what?
LEIF
Are they mapping the anistrophes...
GLORIA
Are you mapping the anistrophies...
LEIF
With angular resolution?
GLORIA
With angular resolution?
STEVE
We are.
AVA
Then, yes.
GLORIA
Yes, then.
STEVE
Oh... oh my.
GLORIA
Lowan, are you okay?
CASPAR
Steve, what’s going on, man?
STEVE
Processing...
ZEBULON
Dear, we have reached another one of those moments where I do not have the slightest inkling as to what’s happening, but I feel as though it’s very important.
EFFIE
I believe our friend Steven is having an epiphany of some sort.
STEVE
There is not much time. I wish to reveal to you the primary goal of our seven year mission in space.
GLORIA
Go ahead, Lowan.
STEVE
We were looking for you.
GLORIA
What do you mean?
STEVE
This place. You call it Midnight Burger?
GLORIA
Yes.
STEVE
This place is Anomaly X1.
LEIF
How is that possible, Steve?
GLORIA
I think he’s still Lowan.
LEIF
Ask him.
GLORIA
How is that possible, Lowan?
STEVE
Would you define this place as a shifting point of null entropy?
AVA
Yes.
GLORIA
Yes.
STEVE
Fascinating. I have found it.
GLORIA
You were looking for us?
STEVE
We all are, Gloria. All of us.
LEIF
All of who?
GLORIA
All of who?
STEVE
You appear to be unaware of the importance of this place.
GLORIA
I don’t understand.
STEVE
On Greedon-4 you are called The Shifting Star. On Septsu you are called The Fountain.
LEIF
Oh, my God.
STEVE
Gloria, I have spoken with scientists from many different space-faring civilizations. All of them look for this place. To find it is seen as a near-impossibility.
LEIF
Holy, shit. We’re the fucking white whale.
STEVE
Gloria, do you understand? I have completed my mission.
GLORIA
It sure sounds like it, Lowan.
STEVE
I have... I have... I...
GLORIA
Lowan?
STEVE
System failure imminent. Caspar?
CASPAR
Yeah?
STEVE
Thank you for letting us complete our mission. I understand now... I understand... I had to complete their mission... Their lives...
GLORIA
He’s gone.
LEIF
Do you think that’s true? Are there a bunch of civilizations out there looking for us?
AVA
I know I was.
LEIF
I mean, not to trivialize it, but, are we famous?
GLORIA
Guys.
CASPAR
They spent seven years trying to track us down. They died trying. I hope it was worth it.
ZEBULON
Let us pray, Caspar.
CASPAR
Yeah.
ZEBULON
Lord, we commend into your loving grace, three intrepid souls.
AVA
Four.
ZEBULON
Indeed. Four souls. Lord, why do we strike out into the darkness? Why do we seek what’s beyond the horizon when the home you have made for us is so bountiful? Is it because of what you’ve left for us there to find? Is the expression of your love for us scattered across creation?
EFFIE
If it be so, may you bless the explorers, Lord. Those that leave the safety of the hearth fire and brave the cold to discover your glory.
These souls surrendered their lives to find it. May they be held in your highest regard.
SONG: JESUS, SAVIOR PILOT ME BY HENRY BURR