Chapter 6: Leifs
SFX: BUSY DINER.
SONG: SWEETER AS THE YEARS GO BY BY CRITERION QUARTET
GLORIA
More coffee?
AVA
Yes, please.
GLORIA
So, right now we are on the planet Thegrion.
AVA
Yes, I know.
GLORIA
A hundred years ago there was a deadly plague on Thegrion.
AVA
I also know that.
GLORIA
To keep the plague from spreading, they had to shut down travel for years, staying in small communities all over the planet and never interacting with each other. Eventually they found a cure, BUT-
AVA
Gloria.
GLORIA
BUT, they had stayed separated for so many years that the isolation became ingrained in their culture. And now-
AVA
Do I need to be here for this?
GLORIA
AND NOW it’s an entire planet full of small towns that are suspicious of outsiders.
AVA
Except for-
GLORIA
EXCEPT FOR one day a year when these communities gather together to remember the millions of people that were killed by the plague.
AVA
And on that day-
GLORIA
AND ON THAT DAY every year, Midnight Burger returns to Thegrion to give some of them a place to sit and talk and drink coffee and remember.
AVA
That was a lovely recitation of things I already know.
GLORIA
This is very exciting for me, Ava.
AVA
Do tell.
GLORIA
Midnight Burger is a chaotic place. I never know what to expect. But NOW I learn that there are things it does on a schedule. Now I know that once a year Midnight Burger comes back to Thegrion. I can plan for that. I can build a whole calendar around it.
AVA
That sounds very comforting.
GLORIA
Right?
AVA
One problem.
GLORIA
Please don’t.
AVA
Yes we come back once a year FOR THEM. But guess what WE do all the time?
GLORIA
Travel through time.
AVA
Right. So we do come back every year, but for us a year from now could be tomorrow.
GLORIA
That’s disappointing.
AVA
Sorry.
GLORIA
I’m sitting down.
AVA
Don’t spill on my notes.
LEIF
Hey guys. Meeting at Ava’s booth?
AVA
No.
LEIF
Has the food seemed alright today? It hasn’t seemed too festive has it?
GLORIA
What does festive taste like?
LEIF
I don’t know. It’s a global day of mourning for them and I want the food to be good but not TOO good, like it’s a party.
GLORIA
I haven’t heard any complaints but I also haven’t gotten any compliments.
LEIF
Perfect, that’s the sweet spot. Gloria, your tuna fish salad is up.
GLORIA
I’ll be right there... I’m going to get used to this, right?
AVA
Nope.
GLORIA
I’m always going to be longing for normalcy?
AVA
Yep.
GLORIA
And then if I returned to normalcy I would get bored and long for this place?
AVA
Yep.
GLORIA
No middle ground?
AVA
Nope.
GLORIA
Great.
AVA
Hey, speaking of normalcy. Something in the diner is not normal today.
GLORIA
What do you mean?
AVA
Well, here we are on the planet Thegrion... someone in the diner is not from Thegrion.
GLORIA
Really? Who?
AVA
Table 12.
GLORIA
Huh. How Can you tell?
AVA
He’s trying to pass himself off as a local but I can tell.
GLORIA
Should I go scope him out?
AVA
No.
GLORIA
Why not?
AVA
You have a terrible poker face.
GLORIA
No I don’t.
AVA
Yes you do.
CASPAR
Guys, what’s going on?
GLORIA
Ava depressed me so I sat down for a second.
CASPAR
Ava depresses me all the time and I remain standing.
GLORIA
Just one more minute.
CASPAR
Look, we actually do a good job for the Thegronian... Thegreons... What did we decided we we’re calling them?
AVA
My vote was for Thegronies but I got voted down.
CASPAR
You’re still voted down. Whatever we’re calling them, this is an important day on this planet and it’s one of the few things we do a good job on so let’s not rest on our laurels.
GLORIA
Okay, I’m getting up.
CASPAR
This is good. This is usually the point when one of you tell me we have a problem but we’re doing okay.
AVA
We have a problem.
CASPAR
Aw, snails... What is it?
AVA
Someone here is not one of the Thegronies.
CASPAR
Not the name. Who is it?
AVA
Table 12.
CASPAR
He looks like he’s from Thegrion.
AVA
He’s trying to blend in. It’s not working.
CASPAR
Alright, I’m going to go check on him. It’s probably nothing.
AVA
Thegronies.
CASPAR
Nope.
ZEBULON
Greetings and salutations to all of our friends here on Thegrion.
EFFIE
As ever, we come to you on your day of mourning to help you through your remembrances.
ZEBULON
It is a day to remember those whom we’ve lost. And though this day of loss may loom long. Remember the psalms. Weeping may last the night, but joy... joy cometh in the morning.
EFFIE
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in times of trouble.
CASPAR
Guys.
EFFIE
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea.
CASPAR
Guys, guys. Can you tone it down a little bit? Remember last time there were a few complaints about the sermonizing?
EFFIE
We have been put in this place to speak his truth, Caspar.
CASPAR
I know.
ZEBULON
Also, “sermonizing” is not a word.
CASPAR
I don’t know what the word is Zebulon, you know what I mean.
EFFIE
I think what you mean is to silence the gospel.
CASPAR
I’m not trying to silence the gospel.
ZEBULON
The Lord’s word transcends the earthly realm.
CASPAR
Yes, okay, sure, but Jesus never made an appearance on Thegrion.
ZEBULON
How do you know?
CASPAR
Zebulon, don’t get L. Ron Hubbard on me, no one here knows what you’re talking about when you talk about The Lord.
EFFIE
All the more reason-
CASPAR
Guys. Please. I’ve got bigger fish to fry. Apparently there’s someone at table 12 that isn’t supposed to be here and I’ve got to go deal with that-
EFFIE
(Gasping)
Table 12.
CASPAR
Effie?
ZEBULON
What is it, my dear?
EFFIE
Caspar, you mustn’t go to table 12.
CASPAR
Why not?
EFFIE
He is here.
CASPAR
Who?
EFFIE
The Devil.
CASPAR
Effie. C’mon.
EFFIE
He is clothed in garments not his own. He comes to tempt us.
CASPAR
You guys are really pouring it on thick today, I don’t know what’s going on.
ZEBULON
Caspar, my wife has never lead us astray.
CASPAR
Yes, except for the time she called herself Dr. Barbara and led us into a supermassive black hole. Look, I’m going over to table 12 now and the devil is not going to be there.
ZEBULON
And what if he is there?
CASPAR
Well then I’ll get out my fiddle or something. Look, just put on some music the devil would hate and I’m going to go talk to table 12.
SONG: SWING LOW SWEET CHARIOT BY ROLAND HAYES.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Hey there, welcome to Midnight Burger, can I get you some coooooooff-
OLD LEIF
Hello, Caspar.
CASPAR
Hello... Leif?
OLD LEIF
Been a while.
CASPAR
Not for me. Because you are currently in the kitchen.
OLD LEIF
And yet here I am at table 12.
CASPAR
And looking about 20 years older.
OLD LEIF
23 years older.
CASPAR
What’s happening right now?
OLD LEIF
What’s happening right now is me ordering the Monte Cristo.
CASPAR
I don’t know who you are, but this is an important day for us.
OLD LEIF
I’m not going to mess up your annual pity party on Thegrion. As long as you don’t mess up my sandwich. Salad on the side.
CASPAR
Okay... Coming right up.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS.
EFFIE
Psst. Caspar. What awaited you at table 12?
CASPAR
Not the devil. Unfortunately.
SFX: GRILL AND KITCHEN SOUNDS.
CASPAR (CONT’D) Hey, Leif.
LEIF
Hey, how’s it going out there?
CASPAR
Fine. Just, fine. Monte Cristo for table 12.
LEIF
Sweet, my favorite.
CASPAR
Side salad.
LEIF
See, why do people do that? Getting a salad is not going to erase the fact that you just ordered a deep fried ham sandwich with powdered sugar on it.
CASPAR
Small problem. You ordered it.
LEIF
What?
CASPAR
You ordered it.
LEIF
Is this some sort of brain teaser?
CASPAR
There’s an older version of you sitting at table 12, he just ordered your favorite sandwich. Looks like you came around on the efficacy of the side salad.
LEIF
Let me see.
CASPAR
Wait, if you see him won’t it make a wormhole or something?
LEIF
Like that’s the weirdest thing that’s happened in this kitchen?
CASPAR
Good point, okay, just be careful don’t make eye contact.
LEIF
Why shouldn’t I make eye contact?
CASPAR
I have no idea.
LEIF
Just let me look... Okay... That’s me.
CASPAR
Yes.
LEIF
Wow. People should not have to see themselves 20 years in the future.
CASPAR
No they shouldn’t.
LEIF
What’s he doing here? What do you think he wants?
CASPAR
I don’t know. He seems mad about something. Like the years have not been kind.
LEIF
I guess I make a time machine at some point?
CASPAR
Yeah, or at some point in the future they’re on sale and you figure “Hey why not?”
LEIF
I guess I’ve got to go talk to him.
CASPAR
I doubt he’s here for the Monte Cristo. But listen, we’re on Thegrion, it’s a solemn occasion, let’s not mess it up for these people.
LEIF
It’ll be fine probably. Man the kitchen for a second.
CASPAR
I don’t know how it works back here.
LEIF
It’s on auto-pilot. I’ll be back.
CASPAR
It’s on... wait. Auto-pilot?
SFX: KITCHEN SOUNDS FADE. DINER FADES BACK IN.
LEIF
Hey, guys. So have you heard about our table 12 situation?
ZEBULON
We’re of a particular opinion about table 12, Leif.
EFFIE
Leif, hear me. Do not trust whomever sits at table 12. They are not to be trusted.
LEIF
It’s me sitting at table 12. From the future.
EFFIE
Oh is that right? Why do you think so? Because he says he is? Because he looks like you? Do you know who can change form and speak in many tongues?
LEIF
Okay, I heard you guys were on one today.
EFFIE
The DEVIL, Leif. That’s who. The deceiver. Trust no word from his mouth.
ZEBULON
If I may offer an explanation closer to your particular vocabulary, Leif. To many, our establishment looks like a diner but in fact is so much more. So perhaps when we are presented with a entity that both walks and talks like a duck, we should not be so quick to exclaim, “There a duck be.”
LEIF
Okay, sure. I get it. Let’s get this over with.
EFFIE
Would that I had holy water to splash.
ZEBULON
Let us pray, Dear.
LEIF
Hello.
OLD LEIF
Hello, Leif.
LEIF
Monte Cristo’s coming right up. A little surprised by the side salad, I wouldn’t have made that call.
OLD LEIF
Yeah, well. Give it time.
LEIF
Mind if I sit?
OLD LEIF
Please.
LEIF
Okay. Let’s get right to it. You’re me.
OLD LEIF
That’s right.
LEIF
Twenty years from now?
OLD LEIF
Twenty three.
LEIF
Where’d you get the time machine?
OLD LEIF
I bought it.
LEIF
Most places I go, time machines are illegal.
OLD LEIF
Most places WE go, Leif. But you’d know where to go if you needed one, wouldn’t you?
LEIF
I suppose I would.
OLD LEIF
And so, here I am.
LEIF
What’s so important that you had to break the law of some planet somewhere?
OLD LEIF
In your experience, why does anyone go back in time to talk to themselves?
LEIF
You’re here to warn me about something.
OLD LEIF
I’m here to knock some sense into you.
LEIF
Look, is this about B’Jolanth? I get it, she’s a great girl, I miss her sometimes too-
OLD LEIF
I’m not talking about B’Jolanth you idiot, I’m talking about the Gold Mine.
LEIF
What about the Gold Mine?
OLD LEIF
You walked away. You could’ve been somebody, Leif but you walked away from everything. I came back here to tell you you made a mistake. It’s time to get your ass back to Earth right now.
SFX: KITCHEN SOUNDS.
GLORIA
Hey, Leif can you make something called a “Smörgås”? Oh.
CASPAR
Hi.
GLORIA
What are you doing back here?
CASPAR
Trying to figure out how the kitchen works. Leif said it was on auto-pilot and I thought that was an actual thing but NOTHING is happening automatically so it looks like that was just a fun joke.
GLORIA
Where is Leif?
CASPAR
Leif is trying to discreetly handle our situation at table 12.
GLORIA
What’s happening at table 12... c’mon, lay it on me.
CASPAR
Take a look.
GLORIA
... No.
CASPAR
Future Leif is at table 12.
GLORIA
That’s so weird.
CASPAR
It’s bizarre.
GLORIA
I can’t look away.
CASPAR
You should though. It’s like looking at an arc-welder, I can’t unsee it.
GLORIA
What is Old Leif doing here?
CASPAR
I don’t know. What would you say to yourself 20 years ago?
GLORIA
That Keanu Reeves will end up being the Johnny Depp you were expecting.
CASPAR
No, I’m serious, though. What could it be?
GLORIA
I don’t know, I don’t know anything about Leif.
CASPAR
Neither do I.
GLORIA
How is that possible?
CASPAR
I mean “before” Leif. Leif in the before times. He’s always very cagey about his life on Earth.
GLORIA
You both are, by the way.
CASPAR
This isn’t a conversation about sharing this is a conversation about the future, being here, at table 12.
GLORIA
It’s also a conversation about you burning that chicken, so give me the spatula.
CASPAR
Here.
GLORIA
It’s got to be a warning, right? Impending doom?
CASPAR
Is there any way it’s not impending doom?
GLORIA
I’m not going back in time to stop anything other than impeding doom. Oh! Hey. Ask Effie, you know how she’s got that weird woo-woo I-feel-the-spirits-are-talking-to-me thing?
CASPAR
I already talked to her, she thinks the devil is sitting at table 12.
GLORIA
Caspar, Jesus. Way to bury the lede.
CASPAR
It’s not actually The Devil.
GLORIA
She’s usually in the ballpark though. Whoever he is, he’s at least devil-adjacent.
LEIF
Hey guys.
GLORIA
Hey Leif.
CASPAR
Hey, what’s going on?
LEIF
Can you guys cover for me? Just for a minute.
CASPAR
Is everything okay?
LEIF
Yeah I just... I need a minute. Gloria, you’re good?
GLORIA
Yeah, just a regular kitchen, right?
LEIF
Until it’s not. Could you hand me my recipe book?
GLORIA
Yeah, is this it?
LEIF
Yeah.
CASPAR
Leif, what’s going on?
LEIF
Nothing just... I need to think about something.
CASPAR
Sure. We’ll be fine. Your future self is sitting at table 12.
LEIF
Don’t worry about it. He was here to talk to me.
CASPAR
Okay, sure.
SFX: BACK DOOR CLOSING.
GLORIA
What the hell was that?
CASPAR
What?
GLORIA
“Hey Leif, what was the warning from the future?”
CASPAR
He’s still processing it.
GLORIA
I would also like to process it because the future, y’know, is coming.
CASPAR
Look I’ve never seen him like this, I’m going to give him some space.
GLORIA
Oh great. Old Leif could be here to warn us about a asteroid headed for the diner but the important thing is Young Leif’s personal space.
CASPAR
If an asteroid was going to destroy the diner, Old Leif wouldn’t be alive to warn us.
GLORIA
He would be if he was successful in warning us, which at this point, he doesn’t seem to be.
CASPAR
But the very presence of Old Leif would mean that he was successful.
GLORIA
Not if he was the only one to survive the asteroid strike that may or may not be happening.
CASPAR
Hm.
GLORIA
I’m doing the cooking. Can you handle the time travel, please?
CASPAR
Okay. Okay, I’m going to go talk to Leif.
GLORIA
Which one?
CASPAR
Uh. Old Leif. I’m going to talk to Old Leif and see if I can get some sort of asteroid warning out of him.
GLORIA
Okay. Also coffee and water the tables.
CASPAR
Right.
AVA
Guys, the Thegronies are getting restless.
CASPAR
Not the name.
SFX: KITCHEN SOUNDS FADE.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Hey, Effie? Do you have any additional information for me on table 12 other than “It’s the Devil”.
EFFIE
Oh, I’m sorry, exactly how detailed do my omens need to be other than “It is the Dark Lord, Defiler of Paradise?”
CASPAR
Fine. Fine. Any other portents of doom, like say and asteroid falling out of the sky?
EFFIE
Yes, an Asteroid named Satan who fell from the sky when he was cast from heaven-
CASPAR
Okay okay okay. Never mind... I’m going to table 12.
ZEBULON
And The Lord goes with you, Caspar.
CASPAR
Hey, Old Leif.
OLD LEIF
Caspar.
CASPAR
Mind if I sit?
OLD LEIF
Be my guest.
CASPAR
So, let me ask you this, is there an asteroid headed for the diner right now?
OLD LEIF
Why would I go somewhere that’s about to be hit by an asteroid?
CASPAR
To warn us.
OLD LEIF
Let’s see, an asteroid hitting the ground. That will be a several-hundred kiloton explosion, I’m guessing.
CASPAR
Okay.
OLD LEIF
If I wanted to warn you I imagine I’d just call you on the telephone under the counter rather than risk getting obliterated with everyone else.
CASPAR
Okay. I’ll strike that off the list. Why are you here, then?
OLD LEIF
Look. We get to know each other pretty well, you and I. I know how you feel about staying here forever if you have to. But Leif? Leif walked away from a gold mine back on Earth and wound up here. I’ve lived through the consequences of that and I’m not going to let him do it. It’s time for Leif to go home.
CASPAR
Like... a LITERAL gold mine?
OLD LEIF
That’s right.
CASPAR
Leif was a... gold miner?
OLD LEIF
I’ve said enough. I didn’t come here to talk to you, I came here to talk to him. Now I’m going to sit here and wait for two things. For Leif to get his head right, and for a Monte Cristo sandwich. I know this is a big day for you Caspar, why don’t you get back to taking care of the Thegronies.
CASPAR
God damn. We really went with “Thegronies”?
SFX: KITCHEN SOUNDS.
AVA
So 20 years from now Leif gets his hands on a time machine and comes back here to warn himself about something?
GLORIA
Looks like it, yeah.
AVA
But we don’t know what it is.
GLORIA
No.
AVA
Well... that’s lame.
GLORIA
It’s lame?
AVA
Yes, time travel is lame.
CASPAR
Okay. I talked to him. No impending doom.
GLORIA
At all?
CASPAR
No. Apparently he’s here to get Leif to go back to Earth.
GLORIA
Why?
CASPAR
I don’t know. It was weird. Something about walking away from a gold mine.
GLORIA
A gold mine? A literal gold mine or a figurative gold mine?
CASPAR
I think it’s a literal gold mine.
GLORIA
Oh come on. That’s ridiculous. Leif is a gold miner?
CASPAR
I know it sounds ridiculous, but would you put it past him?
AVA
No I can totally see him with the little hat with the light on it.
GLORIA
Is he going to go?
CASPAR
I don’t know. Have you seen him?
GLORIA
He’s not back yet.
CASPAR
He’s probably in the office.
GLORIA
There’s an office!?
AVA
It’s just lawn chairs on the roof, they call it the office.
GLORIA
What the hell, guys? I am sick of not knowing things. We’ve got a yearly gig on Thegrion, didn’t know that! Leif’s a gold miner, THERE’S AN OFFICE?!
CASPAR
It’s not really an office.
GLORIA
Oh really? Is it not REALly an office, Caspar? You know I work very hard here.
CASPAR
You really do, things are way better because you’re here.
GLORIA
Well as a way of thanking me can you please figure some shit out! Figure out what’s going on with Leif, because something’s not right. I had a look inside his “recipe book” when I handed it to him. That’s not a recipe book. There’s math in there, and drawings!
AVA
What kind of math?
GLORIA
I don’t know what the kinds of math are!
AVA
Like mostly letters or mostly numbers?
GLORIA
Letters, I guess.
AVA
Any symbols you didn’t recognize?
GLORIA
Yes. What?
AVA
What did the drawings look like?
GLORIA
I don’t know, um... One looked like a monster face but with one whisker that was like a curly pig’s tail.
AVA
Ha! Goddamn.
CASPAR
What’s happening?
AVA
I’m going up to the office. Shit just got real hilarious which means I am now fully invested!
SFX: BACK DOOR CLOSES.
GLORIA
What’s that about?
CASPAR
I have no idea. I’ll be right back.
SFX: DINER SOUNDS FADE BACK IN.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Hey, Effie, Zebulon. I know you can only tell me what “The Lord” tells you but do you think “The Lord” could’ve given me a heads up about Leif possibly going back home to Earth?... Guys?
ZEBULON
Caspar, I believe my wife is currently feeling a certain way about you right now.
CASPAR
Really, how’s that?
ZEBULON
The most appropriate word I could use to describe it would be... Miffed.
CASPAR
Miffed. Great. I’m sorry, Effie... Effie?
ZEBULON
I believe she would like you to craft an apology more appropriate to the moment, Caspar.
CASPAR
Oh for God’s.... Effie I want you to know that I’m sorry and that I greatly appreciate the predictions of the future you give us that are so incredibly vague that they are impossible to act on in the moment-
ZEBULON
So when I said “Appropriate to the moment”...
CASPAR
Fine. Fine. Fine. Effie, I should’ve listened to you. Though it is not actually The Devil sitting at table 12 there is definitely a Satan-like quality to him in that he is trying to tempt Leif away from the diner. I promise I will do better in the future to be more respectful of all that you do for us.
EFFIE
I’m not sure if I should accept this apology, husband.
ZEBULON
Well it’s the Christian thing to do.
EFFIE
Agreed, agreed. I shall prepare myself to forgive you, Caspar.
CASPAR
Thanks so much.
ZEBULON
And how are you feeling, Caspar?
CASPAR
What?
ZEBULON
By your account Leif is considering a return to his home. It may cause YOU to feel a certain way.
CASPAR
It’s not a prison planet, people can leave anytime they want.
ZEBULON
Yes, they can, my friend.
SFX: DINER SOUNDS FADE. SOUNDS OF A TRANQUIL NIGHT ON AN ALIEN WORLD. SOUNDS OF A RICKETY ALUMINUM LADDER.
AVA
This fucking. Piece of shit. Ladder.
LEIF
Ava? What are you doing?
AVA
Contracting tetanus probably. This ladder is a death trap.
LEIF
Be careful.
AVA
I’m being careful. Goddamn it. There. Hello, Leif.
LEIF
What are you doing up here?
AVA
Give me your recipe book.
LEIF
Why?
AVA
Because it’s not a recipe book.
LEIF
How do you know?
AVA
Because there’s calculations in it. Gloria said she saw a drawing of a monster’s face with a single whisker like a curly pig’s tail. But that’s not a drawing of a monster’s face, Leif. That’s a Feynman Diagram. To chart the collision of particles. So you either take your chili recipe VERY seriously or that’s not a recipe book, that’s an engineering notebook.
LEIF
Here. Take it.
AVA
Thank you.
SFX: PAGES TURNING.
AVA (CONT’D)
Well... This is like the Sears catalog, isn’t it?
LEIF
It’s just some ideas.
AVA
Cold fusion... c’mon, perpetual motion machine?
LEIF
I’ve almost got that one.
SFX: BOOK CLOSING.
AVA
Where’d you go to school, Leif.
LEIF
Berkeley.
AVA
Oh, YUCK. Dr. Brooks?
LEIF
He’s brilliant.
AVA
He smells like celery.
LEIF
Look, I used to work at this place. It was called-
AVA
The Large Underground Xenon experiment. Or “LUX” for short?
LEIF
Shit. How did you know?
AVA
What do you mean, how did I know? I’m a genius, idiot. Have I not told you lately?
LEIF
You’ve actually told me way more times than an average person should.
AVA
The other Leif down there kept saying you walked away from a gold mine. The Large Underground Xenon experiment. Conducted at the bottom of an abandoned GOLD MINE in South Dakota... What’d you find down there, Leif?
LEIF
We found what we were looking for.
AVA
Dark matter.
LEIF
Yeah.
AVA
Wow. That’s huge, Leif.
LEIF
We found it in week three. It was a two year experiment. So we just kept going. At month six I had captured it. At month eighteen I had made a battery and was powering a halogen bulb with it.
AVA
You discovered an unlimited source of clean energy on Earth.
LEIF
Yes.
AVA
And now you’re making brunch for the Thegronies one galaxy over, what happened?
LEIF
No good deed goes unpunished, right? We were getting ready to show the world what we had discovered down at the bottom of that gold mine. We fantasized about a world full of free energy. No pollution, no rolling blackouts.
And then one night, we came up from the mine and someone was waiting for us.
AVA
The government.
LEIF
Yes. But not of Earth.
AVA
What? You’re saying an alien race came and took your toys away?
LEIF
They were a concerned neighbor.
AVA
What are you talking about?
LEIF
You know at Christmas time when a neighbor comes over and lets you know that your Christmas lights could possibly burn your house down? Imagine that but on a planetary scale.
AVA
An alien race said that your experiment was going to destroy everything?
LEIF
They’re called the Teds. They’re like the hall monitors of the Milky Way. They see an emerging civilization about to destroy itself and they politely step in and say “Hey, you’re about to destroy everything, guys.”
AVA
Seriously, “The Teds”?
LEIF
I don’t know what to tell you, their planet is called Ted. They’re the Teds, it’s a stupid name.
AVA
How did you take them seriously with a name like The Teds?
LEIF
I took them seriously because they came down in a big glowing space ship, they could’ve been called the Abe Vigodas.
AVA
Fine. Can you explain to me how in the world an unlimited source of clean energy could destroy anything?
LEIF
You know the end of that thought. Someone was going to turn it into a weapon. Somehow.
AVA
I find that hard to believe, Leif.
LEIF
Somebody always does. You know Taoist Monks invented gunpowder. They used it for medicine. Look what happened.
AVA
And this friendly alien neighbor named Ted, you just took their word for it?
LEIF
They made a very convincing argument. What I made down there was going to change the world. But the world has to be ready for change. You know, I’ve got this meat cleaver down in the kitchen. I use it for everything, it’s great. Chopping meat, breaking down a chicken, I can’t live without it. But if I took this incredibly useful tool and put it in the hands of a three-year-old it would just be dangerous. They convinced me that I had invented a meat cleaver on a planet full of three-year-olds. Anyway... they were going to take our research. Leave us with nothing. So I made some demands. One demand. I said if they were going to take away my life’s work, then they had to give me a ride.
AVA
A ride?
LEIF
They dropped me off at Sirius A. There’s a massive station there. Ships going to every part of the galaxy. I got a job as a cook on a ship. And then another and another. And then...
AVA
And then suddenly there was a diner.
LEIF
Yeah.
AVA
Well, origin stories are fun. So what about the Leif downstairs? He says you made a mistake?
LEIF
He says that in twenty years Earth manages to mess itself up anyway. And if that’s the case, why not at least have the fame? Why not at least be one of those guys, Nobel Prize, shapers of the world or whatever.
AVA
Why not?
LEIF
I can’t stay out here forever can I?
AVA
You can.
LEIF
Should I?
AVA
Leif, I don’t know.
LEIF
How long are you going to stay out here?
AVA
As long as it takes.
LEIF
As long as it takes to do what?
AVA
Figure it out.
LEIF
Figure what out?
AVA
Everything.
LEIF
Everything?
AVA
Yes.
LEIF
Literally all the things, you’re going to figure them out?
AVA
Correct.
LEIF
That’s a tall order.
AVA
Yes. But we have a ladder. Look... I didn’t come up here to help you decide, I mainly came up here to brag that I figured out your secret. And now I’m done bragging so I think you should come down from the treehouse and face yourself.
SFX: SOUNDS OF THE DINER.
CASPAR
Okay, one Monte Cristo sandwich for the temporal anomaly.
OLD LEIF
Thanks.
CASPAR
Anything else?
OLD LEIF
Yeah. I’ve got a cruiser in orbit to take us back to Earth. They’re not going to wait forever, can you tell Leif to speed it up back there?
CASPAR
We happen to be in the middle of a brunch service here.
OLD LEIF
Brunch service for a planet full of people still crying over something that happened 100 years ago? I can see why that’s important to someone like you, Caspar, but there’s bigger issues at play here.
CASPAR
Okay, it’s becoming clear that I share WAY too much with you in the years to come.
LEIF
Hey, I’m back. Caspar give us a minute, okay?
CASPAR
Sure, sure. Let me know if you need anything.
LEIF
You know, it’s pretty hard for me to look at that side salad.
OLD LEIF
Yeah, you’re hilarious. Have you worked out all your little feelings yet? Can we get out of here?
LEIF
What’s the plan exactly?
OLD LEIF
The plan is, we get on the ship I booked and go back to Earth. You revive your research and line up investors.
LEIF
What about the Teds?
OLD LEIF
I’ll handle the Teds, I know how to deal with them. You focus on erasing your screw ups.
LEIF
You feel this comfortable being an asshole to yourself?
OLD LEIF
I feel just fine. Oh, I’m sorry Lief, do you not like me?
LEIF
No. Not at all.
OLD LEIF
Then how about you devote the rest of your life to not ending up like me? How’s that sound?
LEIF
Okay. Okay, fine. If that’s what it takes.
EFFIE
Caspar, what transpires at table 12?
CASPAR
I don’t know, Leif’s having a conversation with himself.
ZEBULON
We are very concerned about said conversation, Caspar.
CASPAR
Really? I hadn’t noticed.
EFFIE
I don’t see how you can let him sit down with such a master of lies.
CASPAR
Effie, it’s not the devil. It’s just Leif. Again. It’s Leif twice.
AVA
What’s going on down here?
CASPAR
Leif is sitting down with himself and Effie is trying to convince me that it’s not actually another Leif, that’s it’s actually someone else.
AVA
It is actually someone else.
EFFIE
HA!
CASPAR
What?!
AVA
It is.
EFFIE
(Gasps)
Dearest!
ZEBULON
What is it, darling?
EFFIE
There is another.
SFX: DOOR CHIME. FOOTSTEPS.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
What’s popping, Thegronies? I’m looking for a couple of Leifs!
SFX: DINER NOISES STOP.
ZEBULON
Even older Leif?
AVA
Oh, this is getting real dumb.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
There they are! Aloha, dickheads!
OLD LEIF
What the hell is this?!
LEIF
Is that me again?!
EVEN OLDER LEIF
That’s right, Leif. It’s you. FORTY years in the future!
CASPAR
Are you fucking kidding me?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Leif, this older version of you has come from the future to convince you that you’ve made a terrible mistake. Guess what grand-dad’s here to do?
AVA
Is he going to sing? I hope he sings.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Leif, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, the second version of you has turned out to be an intolerable fuck-face. And he is now using that fuck-facery to try and convince you to go back to Earth so that you won’t become him.
CASPAR
I’m going to need a flow-chart for this.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
But I’m here to tell you that the next 20 years are different. You spent years wasting your time being as bitter as baker’s chocolate when you could’ve spent all that time making sweet love to all kinds of alien ladies, am I right, Thegronies? Who’s with me?
CASPAR
(On the overhead speaker)
Ahem. Attention everyone named Leif, please report to the cash register at this time, thank you. Thegronies, please resume mourning and we are sorry for the disturbance.
AVA
(Whispering)
Ha! Thegronies!
CASPAR
Oh Shut up.
LEIF
Caspar, I’m so sorry about this, I don’t know what’s going on.
OLD LEIF
What the hell are you doing here? You really want to fuck up your life again?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
One man’s fucked up life is another man’s life of bliss, youngster.
OLD LEIF
I can’t believe this. Do you ever learn? Ever!
EVEN OLDER LEIF
You know, usually when a person is angry at someone, they’re actually just mad at themselves. But this time it’s literally true!
OLD LEIF
We have a notebook full of ideas that can change the world but you just want to stay out here?! Floating in the cosmos like a cork in the ocean?!
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Funny thing about changing the world. It just goes and changes again. And again. And again. And at a certain point you say to yourself “Am I changing the world? Or is the world just changing on it’s own and I keep convincing myself it was me that did it?”
OLD LEIF
You’re a senile old man, you know that?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
I’m not going to lie to you, you could be right. The years have not been kind to this gray matter, but let me ask you this. If you’re in a argument with a senile old man and you’re LOSING, well what does that say about you?
CASPAR
Leifs, this is not the time or the place for this, can we wrap this up somehow?
OLD LEIF
Good idea. Leif, pack your shit, let’s get out of here and forgot about this old idiot.
LEIF
I don’t know, he’s making some valid points.
OLD LEIF
Oh, for fuck’s sake.
AVA
You know what Leifs? This has been a hoot, but I think I can put an end to this nonsense. Give me a sec.
CASPAR
Where are you going?
AVA
Relax.
OLD LEIF
This is really what you want? Making eggs for a bunch of sad saps on the far end of some galaxy when you can finally be respected for who you are?
LEIF
Who am I?
GLORIA
Ava, what are you doing? I’ve got poached eggs happening-
AVA
Old Leif, Older Leif, meet Gloria.
OLD LEIF/EVEN OLDER LEIF
Who is that? You don’t know? Stop copying me!
GLORIA
There’s three of them now?
OLD LEIF/EVEN OLDER LEIF
How does she know us? Seriously, stop it!
AVA
Oh, I’m sorry, don’t you know Gloria our new waitress? You should since you’re two know-it-alls from the future.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Did I know her and then forget I know her?
OLD LEIF
I don’t understand, how is this possible?
LEIF
Why don’t they know Gloria?
AVA
They don’t know her, because time-travel is what Gloria?
GLORIA
Lame?
AVA
Because time travel is lame.
CASPAR
Can you maybe expand on that-
AVA
I am going to make a fist. And I am going to punch Caspar in the arm.
CASPAR
Great.
AVA
And when my fist hits his arm it will spawn infinite timelines within infinite timelines as every action does. In one timeline it somehow kills him, in one timeline I miss his arm completely-
CASPAR
Can I pick, or-
AVA
In one timeline, I’m somehow Margot Kidder.
CASPAR
Bad dates, Indy.
AVA
And with infinite timelines upon infinite timelines, you three allegedly smart men still have a simplistic Michael J. Fox-ass concept of time travel.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Well, shit.
AVA
You didn’t go back in time to talk to Leif. You went back in time to talk to A Leif, of infinite Leifs. So there’s no way to tell how he’s going to end up. Will he be bitter old Leif? Will he be even older zen-like Leif? Could be both, could be none. There’s no way of knowing. So all your attempts to influence Leif are just making more and more infinite timelines that are completely out of your control.
CASPAR
Is there a timeline where I murder you for not mentioning this earlier?
AVA
No there isn’t, because in every timeline you are a big wuss.
GLORIA
So in their timeline, I don’t work here?
AVA
Correct.
GLORIA
How did you know that?
AVA
I didn’t. It was just a hunch.
OLD LEIF
How did I not see this?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
I mean, I’ve got an excuse because I’m super old and forget things, not sure how you missed it.
OLD LEIF
So what am I supposed to do now? Just go back to my old crappy timeline and deal with it’s crappiness?
CASPAR
It’s what all of us do every day, isn’t it?
OLD LEIF
This sucks.
ZEBULON
Well this is certainly an astounding turn of events. I must confess, I don’t really understand much of what’s happening but I do know that Old Leif seems to suffer the pains of regret.
OLD LEIF
Please not a bible verse.
EFFIE
I recall Phillippians-
OLD LEIF
For fuck’s sake.
EFFIE
Forgetting those things which are behind me, reaching forth unto those that are before me, I press toward the high calling of God.
OLD LEIF
Wow! Look at that! Everything’s better now!
LEIF
You know, Old Leif, in a way your plan worked. By just meeting you there is no way I’m going to end up being you, because being you looks really miserable, man. I don’t even have to go back to Earth to do that, I could just, y’know, NOT be you.
OLD LEIF
Well that’s great for you but guess what? I’m still me and I’m still miserable.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Look, youngster, I know how you feel. I know how you feel because twenty years ago I was feeling the exact same way you’re feeling right now. So I’ll tell you what? I’m going to offer you what I wished older me would have offered me back when I was you.
CASPAR
I’m so confused right now.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
I know for a fact that if there’s anything you excel at it’s beating yourself up. So let’s do this thing for real.
OLD LEIF
What are you saying?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
I’m saying you and me, out in the parking lot. Just our hatred for ourselves and our own bare knuckles. Fist fight in the parking lot!
CASPAR
Shhhhhhhhhh! No no no no no Tyler Durden! Thegronies. Solemn occasion.
OLD LEIF
No. No, I think that’s a good idea. That feels good. I think I would like that.
AVA
My hand is up, I would like that as well.
OLD LEIF
I think I’ve got some pent up aggression. I think that would be good for me.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Now we’re talking.
GLORIA
Oh whatever, I’m going back in the kitchen.
CASPAR
There is not going to be a fist fight in the parking lot while people are mourning, this isn’t Boston!
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Caspar, Caspar, chill chill, man. Look, I may be out of my timeline here but I think I know the Thegronies. Watch this... Attention Thegronies.
SFX: DINER QUIETS DOWN.
EVEN OLDER LEIF (CONT’D)
One-hundred years ago something terrible happened on this planet. Millions of people died in a terrible plague. And as I have just learned today, there are no true time machines in life. Even the things we literally call time machines are not actually time machines, it’s complicated I won’t get into it here, but look, you can’t turn back the clock. What’s done is done. For too long the people of this planet have hung their heads in pain and loss. And to what end? How long must the mourning persist. Would those who have passed on want us to say goodbye forever? And if it is forever, is it even a goodbye? Maybe it’s time for a change. Maybe it’s time to cast aside our mourning garments, lift up our heads, go out into that parking lot, and watch two grown-ass men beat the crap out of each other, what do you say?
SFX: AFFIRMATIONS FROM THE CROWD.
EVEN OLDER LEIF (CONT’D)
Yeah? Are you with me? Let’s shake the dust off Thegrion! Alright, everybody out in the parking lot, the fight starts in 5 minutes!
SFX: THE ENTIRE CROWD MOVING OUT THE FRONT DOOR.
EVEN OLDER LEIF (CONT’D)
Everybody get a good spot!
OLD LEIF
I’ve been looking forward to this my whole life and I didn’t even realize it. I’m going out there.
CASPAR
Ava, what are you doing?
AVA
I’m getting this jug of moonshine and going out in the parking lot to watch a fist fight. Suck on that, Steven Hawking.
CASPAR
This is ridiculous.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Leif, Caspar, listen, I know this whole thing seems a little bananas but Old Leif really needs this right now. He’s got a lot of issues to work out.
CASPAR
Issues? Are you kidding me? He’s going to kill you out there, what are you eighty?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Eighty-three. But listen, just between us, at this point in my life I’m, like, thirty percent cybernetic. He will not be expecting my left hook because it is made of high tensile chromite. Right? You guys coming? It’s going to be a barn burner.
CASPAR
Nope.
LEIF
No thank you.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Fair enough, fair enough.
CASPAR
Leif, why don’t we go back in the kitchen and avoid the psychologically scarring vision of you being the shit out of you.
LEIF
Good call.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Later, boys!
LEIF
Hey, Even Older Leif... are you happy?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Happy? What’s that mean? I am, Leif. I am.
LEIF
Yeah, okay.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Effie, Zebulon, it’s been a treat seeing you two again.
ZEBULON
Even Older Leif, it has been heartening to know that Leif has found some peace in his later years. Though, we must say, we find physical violence to be abhorrent, isn’t that right, my dear?
EFFIE
I... yes. It’s, we... Yes. It’s bad.
ZEBULON
Dear?
EFFIE
Yes, yes, of course. Our Lord is a God of peace.
ZEBULON
Indeed.
EFFIE
Unless you’re a merchant outside the temple, then look out for the chokehold of Jesus.
ZEBULON
Honey!
EFFIE
Oh, I’m sorry dear. You know I have a special affinity for fisticuffs ever since-
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Ever since your wedding. I remember the story. Your cousin Bobby said something to insult your honor and Zebulon knocked two of his teeth out, isn’t that right, Zeb?
ZEBULON
Well, I was young and impetuous.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
I love that story. You know, you two are a couple of the best friends I ever had.
EFFIE
That’s heartening to hear, Leif.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
In light of that, I should probably tell you why I really came here today.
EFFIE
Why you... really came here?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
You asked me to, Effie. Many years from now.
ZEBULON
Oh my. Why did she do that?
EVEN OLDER LEIF
Well, it’s a little hard to explain to a couple of Arkansawyers in 1925. Let’s put it this way, I’m going to attach a small device to the back of the radio.
SFX: DEVICE ACTIVATING.
EVEN OLDER LEIF (CONT’D)
It’s going to make the voice of The Lord a lot easier to hear. Don’t worry, you won’t feel a thing.
ZEBULON
Take my hand, dear.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
There we go. No harm done. Now, when things get weird in the days to come, just remember it’s all part of the plan.
EFFIE
But, I am scared of the plan.
EVEN OLDER LEIF
No need, Effie. You know exactly what you’re doing. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to head out to the parking lot and kick my ass. It was good to see you again, guys.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS. DOOR CHIME.
ZEBULON
Let’s pray, my dear.
SFX: KITCHEN SOUNDS.
SONG: CUBANAKAN BY LECUONA CUBAN BOYS.
CASPAR
Just so you know, if future me ever shows up, I quit.
LEIF
Thanks for taking over, Gloria. Everything go okay?
GLORIA
It did, it was nice to be back in a kitchen. I kept losing the parmesan, though.
LEIF
Yeah, the parmesan doesn’t have spatial permanence, you’re going to have to look for it every time.
GLORIA
Sure.
CASPAR
You doing okay, Leif?
LEIF
Yeah, I’m alright. Weird day.
CASPAR
A bit odd, yeah.
LEIF
Is it weird that I feel normal right now?
CASPAR
Yes.
GLORIA
No.
LEIF
It’s not?
GLORIA
No.
CASPAR
We had visitors from the future, Gloria.
GLORIA
I know. But right now, out in the parking lot there is a fist fight going on between the person Leif could’ve become and the person Leif wound up being. You don’t know who’s winning and you don’t know who to root for. And they’ll fight out there forever if you let them. And that is the most human thing that has happened since I got here.
CASPAR
Look at Gloria. Working the grill, delivering truisms.
LEIF
What is that music?
GLORIA
Is that Latin music?
CASPAR
Are Zeb and Effie playing latin music?
GLORIA
I think they are.
LEIF
Huh.
GLORIA
Huh.
CASPAR
Hmmm.
THE END