Chapter 4: What’s the Frequency, Dearest?
SFX: MUSIC. SOUND OF THE COSMOS FLYING BY.
GLORIA
You’re just going to sit there and watch me fill these ramekins?
AVA
I like manual labor, it helps me think.
GLORIA
Well then do some.
AVA
No, watching it helps me think. It’s like watching a line of ants, it’s very relaxing.
GLORIA
Fine. Hey. Speaking of relaxed, do you ever feel like Leif is almost TOO relaxed? He goes with the flow no matter what, it’s weird.
AVA
Oh yeah? Watch this. Hey, Leif?
LEIF
(In the kitchen)
Yeah?
AVA
I’ve been thinking about it and, I don’t know, I still feel like a hot dog is a sandwich.
SFX: POTS AND PANS CRASHING.
LEIF
(In the kitchen)
For fuck’s sake!
GLORIA
Oh my God.
LEIF
I can’t believe we have to go through this again. AGAIN!
AVA
But it’s in my hand and it’s between two things.
LEIF
It is SURROUND by ONE THING on THREE SIDES. What are you not getting about this?
AVA
I don’t see how that can’t be a sandwich.
LEIF
You don’t SEE? YOU don’t see?
GLORIA
Leif, oh my God.
AVA
It seems like you have a very limited definition of a sandwich.
LEIF
That’s the whole- how can-...
GLORIA
What is happening?
LEIF
What was that award you got? The gravity thing?
AVA
Well, I’ve received many accolades, Leif.
LEIF
You gave some sort of speech in Belgium.
AVA
The Society of European Physicists? My award winning paper on gravity waves?
LEIF
Exactly. You figured something out that literally no one on Earth had figured out and you can’t WRAP your MIND around HAND FOOD TAXONOMY!
CASPAR
Leif, what are you yelling about?
GLORIA
Sandwiches apparently.
CASPAR
Again, Ava?
AVA
I’m a scientist, I have a commitment to the truth.
LEIF
I don’t have time for this.
ZEBULON
No, you do not, for we are only two hours from our new destination and Leif has not cleaned the grill yet.
LEIF
Narc.
CASPAR
Gloria, are we ready up here?
GLORIA
Yeah, just let me put out these sugars. Hey Effie, where are we headed?
EFFIE
Well I’m certain that I don’t know, Dear.
CASPAR
You’re not doing it right, Gloria.
GLORIA
Right. Effie what does THE LORD tell you about where we’re headed?
EFFIE
The lord tells me of a golden city surrounded by-
GLORIA
WHOA-
SFX: TRIP AND FALL. RADIO CRASHING TO THE GROUND. RADIO STATIC.
AVA
Uh-oh.
GLORIA
Oh no.
CASPAR
What happened?
GLORIA
I tripped and I accidentally... I knocked the radio over.
CASPAR
Zeb? Effie? Can you hear us?... Guys?
GLORIA
I think the dial might have moved a little bit. What station was it on?
CASPAR
I don’t know.
GLORIA
You don’t know?
CASPAR
I’ve never changed the station before.
GLORIA
Ever?
CASPAR
They always told me not to.
GLORIA
Well, what do we do?
AVA
Guys. Why are you freaking out? Just search around for the station.
SFX: DINER SLOWING DOWN AND STOPPING.
CASPAR
Why are we stopping? It’s not time for us to stop.
GLORIA
Did I break the diner?
CASPAR
Ava, where are we?
AVA
Um... Space.
CASPAR
Can you narrow that down?
AVA
The bad part?
CASPAR
Ava.
AVA
Have a look.
CASPAR
What is that?
AVA
It’s a gazebo, what do you think it is?
CASPAR
That thing you do? That I hate? Where you joke around in a moment of crisis?
AVA
It’s a supermassive black hole.
CASPAR
Are we heading towards it?
AVA
Technically everything is.
LEIF
Hey, what’s going on, have we stopped already? Whoa. Is that what I think it is?
CASPAR
That depends, do you think it’s imminent doom?
LEIF
What the hell happened?
GLORIA
I broke the diner.
CASPAR
We don’t know what happened. Gloria accidentally moved the dial on the radio, we lost Zeb and Effie, then everything stopped.
LEIF
We’re not supposed to change the station.
GLORIA
It was an accident.
LEIF
Well let’s get them back.
CASPAR
I don’t know what the station is, do you?
LEIF
I don’t know what the station is, I’ve never changed it.
CASPAR
Well we’re a finely-tuned Swiss watch again, aren’t we?
AVA
I don’t want to add too much urgency to the situation, but a supermassive black hole has the mass of one million suns and we’re basically swan diving into it right now.
CASPAR
That’s too many suns. Someone should fix that.
GLORIA
We’ll be okay, right? Isn’t this place indestructible or something?
LEIF
It may be, we’re sure as hell not.
AVA
I’d rather not die by being compressed into a ball of matter the size of a Boba, but I would get some great data right before that.
GLORIA
Okay, I’m just going to start cranking on the dial until I hear someone from Arkansas... Okay... Okay there are no numbers on the dial.
AVA
Would it matter if there were?
GLORIA
Guess not. Okay, here we go.
SFX: STATIC SNAPS INTO INTRO MUSIC FOR SPORTS BROADCAST.
EFFIE
Welcome back sports fans, I’m Kitty Caldwell here with Bram Frampton, the sun is shining, the grass is green, which could only mean it’s time to put some blood on it.
CASPAR
Effie? Effie can you hear us?
EFFIE
Today we’ll watch as the Indiana Colts attempt to stampede all over the Miami Dolphins, and though the visual of horses trampling dolphins is a disturbing one, none of that matters because it’s football season!
SFX: ROTARY PHONE DIALING
EFFIE (CONT’D)
That’s right it’s once again time for the greatest athletes in the world to toss around a pig skin while you sit at home tossing around a bag of pig skins because you’re too lazy to walk them across the room to your roommate. Bram?
CASPAR
Leif, what are you doing?
LEIF
Off-Planet Betting, this is going to be a good game.
GLORIA
We have a phone?
ZEBULON
Kitty the championship season is quickly approaching and teams are beginning to drop off the roster faster than you can say Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy. The Steelers lose to the Bills 23 to 57 and the Chiefs squeeze past the Ravens 11 to 13, but let’s get to the real news of the day.
EFFIE
Let’s do it!
LEIF
Yeah, Gork? It’s Leif, give me 500 on the Colts.
GLORIA
But what is the phone connected to?
AVA
Guys.
ZEBULON
Teams win or lose but the real news from coast to coast is one name and one name only.
EFFIE
That’s right.
ZEBULON
Mister Raynard Lewis.
EFFIE
Sweet number 17 himself.
AVA
Guys! Take it off the station!
ZEBULON
19 touchdowns in his rookie season, ready to go even further this season and very, very popular with the ladies.
EFFIE
Oh, I’ve got a brand new pair of roller skates, he’s got a brand new KEY TO MY PANTS!
AVA
Take it off!
GLORIA
Okay!
SFX: RADIO STATIC.
CASPAR
What’s the problem?
AVA
We’re moving faster. We picked up speed as soon as the station came on.
GLORIA
Does the radio control the diner?
CASPAR
No. I mean, I don’t think so.
LEIF
Since when is there a relationship between Zeb and Effie and the diner’s navigation?
CASPAR
There probably always was, we just never changed the station before.
GLORIA
If only there was a scientist around to figure this out for us.
AVA
You want me to figure it out right now?
GLORIA
I feel like that’s something you should know.
LEIF
This has definitely never happened before.
GLORIA
Guys, c’mon.
CASPAR
How were we supposed to know?
GLORIA
I have an excuse because I just got here. You mean to tell me it never occurred to anyone to say “Hey, there’s a sentient old-timey radio in this diner. I wonder what that’s all about.”
CASPAR
Um... Ava?
AVA
I was getting around to it.
LEIF
Isn’t this more of an after-we’re-out-of-danger conversation?
CASPAR
Good point. Ava, how much time do we have?
AVA
I don’t know, there’s not a speedometer on the diner.
CASPAR
Let’s try another station.
LEIF
That’ll make us go faster won’t it?
CASPAR
Will it?
GLORIA
Can we not “guestimate” our way into the supermassive black hole?
CASPAR
I’m trying another station, we can’t just sit here. Okay... Here we go...
SFX: RADIO STATIC. NPR MUSIC.
EFFIE
Welcome back to All Things Considered, I’m Lakshmi Noguchi-Tutu. Twenty-three refugees from Syria have been stranded in a rickety boat off the coast of Sicily without any nation offering asylum. For more on this, here’s Habib Westervelt-Fischel.
ZEBULON
For twenty-nine days now these Syrian refugees have been in a living hell right off the coast of paradise.
AVA
No. No no no. Off.
SFX: RADIO STATIC.
CASPAR
Shit.
AVA
We’re going faster again.
LEIF
What the hell?
GLORIA
If we do nothing we get sucked in; if we do something we get sucked in faster; what the fuck are we supposed to do?
CASPAR
Let’s start paddling.
AVA
Hang on, hang on... Oh balls.
LEIF
What is it?
AVA
The Steelers lose to the Bills 23 to 57... squeeze past the Ravens 11 to 13... Number 17... 19 touchdowns... 23 refugees 29 days... goddamnit.
GLORIA
Can we get an invite to the brain party?
AVA
2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29.
CASPAR
Are you playing Keno, or something?
AVA
Prime numbers. All in a row, that can’t be a coincidence.
GLORIA
If it isn’t a coincidence, what IS it?
AVA
Prime numbers are how you introduce yourself to an intelligent species. It’s kind of a, y’know, “Hey, how are you, we both recognize prime numbers.” They’re getting our attention.
CASPAR
So they can communicate with us?
AVA
I’m guessing they can, but not directly.
LEIF
Great. Easy things are boring anyway.
AVA
I need more data.
GLORIA
Okay, I’m a Capricorn-
AVA
We need to turn the dial again.
CASPAR
I thought turning the dial sends us faster towards our big black friend.
AVA
Right now our options are a quick death or a slow death. We should probably get some more options.
CASPAR
Okay, fine. Leif, you do it this time, maybe you’ll get lucky.
LEIF
Okay. Okay, yeah I’m feeling lucky. Here we go...
SFX: STATIC. “GARDEN TIME” MUSIC.
EFFIE
Welcome back to Garden Time everyone, Liz here. I’m sitting down with Marv Garvin of the North Forks Community Garden Center. Marv, what should we be looking out for in our gardens right now?
ZEBULON
Well, Liz, as you know it is time for everyone to pull up their turnips.
EFFIE
Yes.
ZEBULON
Things are getting very real out there.
EFFIE
So real.
ZEBULON
Since late summer, gardeners everywhere have been asking themselves one question “Is my soil loose enough?” and now they’re about to find out.
EFFIE
Like nature’s scratch-off lotto ticket.
ZEBULON
Oh my, that’s a good one, Liz.
EFFIE
Thanks, Marv, we like to have fun. If you’ve got questions about your turnips, your beets, or whatever else you’re pulling up. Give us a call at 459-018-0360.
SFX: ROTARY PHONE DIALING.
AVA
This is giving me nothing.
GLORIA
I’ve got an idea.
EFFIE
Let’s jump right in. Our first caller is Gloria, oh my, all the way from Arizona. How are you today, Gloria.
GLORIA
Hey, Liz, long time first time, thanks so much for taking my call. I’ve got a really big black problem that I’m heading towards... in my garden, hope you can help.
EFFIE
We’ll do our darndest, Gloria.
GLORIA
My problem is... What’s a gardening problem?
CASPAR
Blight?
GLORIA
Blight? Is that a thing?
EFFIE
Hm.
ZEBULON
Hm.
AVA
Oh, shit! Shut it off!
SFX: RADIO STATIC.
LEIF
What could you have possibly gotten from that?
AVA
459-018-0360. We’re going to use a Cartesian Coordinate System on the radio dial. 45 degrees, 90 degrees, 180, and 360, that’s how we’re going to find stations on the dial. The dial didn’t have numbers now it has numbers.
CASPAR
So we’re just going to keep doing this decoder-ring bullshit until the black hole squeezes us like a lemon?
AVA
Said the guy who’s not offering any solutions at all.
GLORIA
This is good, right? We know how to turn the dial now we need to know where. It’s good to have a plan, I like plans.
CASPAR
Everything we do to escape sends us faster into the black hole, I hate this plan.
AVA
Tough titties.
CASPAR
Leif, what was that thing you did when we were stuck in that nebula?
LEIF
Vent the grease trap?
CASPAR
Yes, do that.
LEIF
Okay, hang on.
AVA
That’s not going to slow us down at this point.
CASPAR
No, it’s not, Dr. Smartypants but if he vents the grease trap laterally it will give us spin around the black hole creating centrifugal force that will pull away from the center and slow us down at least a little bit. Who’s the scientist now?!
AVA
Still not you.
LEIF
(From the kitchen)
Hang on to something. This is going to be bumpy.
SFX: GREASE VENTING INTO THE VOID. DINER RATTLES. RADIO STATIC. COMMERCIAL MUSIC.
GLORIA
The dial moved!
AVA
Everybody quiet.
EFFIE
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ZEBULON
Hi. I’m Django Hume, founder and CEO of Red Pantry. Like you, when I think of home cooking I think of having someone do something for me and then bragging like I was the one that did it. At Red Pantry we harness the collective power of over 137 other gig worker apps to bring the miracle of bragging about the food you made, right to your door.
AVA
137 huh? Okay shut it off!
SFX: RADIO STATIC. DINER GOES QUIET.
LEIF
Okay, I vented all the grease. Hopefully that will bide us some time.
AVA
Turn the dial to 137 degrees.
GLORIA
Ava.
AVA
Pretend the dial has a clock face on it. Turn the dial to somewhere between 9 and 10 o’clock.
GLORIA
You can’t be any more specific than that?
AVA
Just do it.
GLORIA
Okay, okay.
SFX: RADIO CHANNEL SURFING. 1040S RADIO SHOW MUSIC.
ZEBULON
The Willis and Cabbage program, Presented by Lucky Strike. Smoke a Lucky to feel your level best. That’s just how you’ll feel when you light up a Lucky. Because Lucky’s fine tobacco will pick you up when you feel low, calms you down when you’re tense. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco.
LEIF
Are you sure this is the right station?
GLORIA
Nobody knows.
AVA
Damn, now I want a cigarette.
CASPAR
I thought this was supposed to be the right station.
AVA
Shhh. Just listen.
ZEBULON
Well now, Mrs. Cabbage. What’s with all this feminine nonsense laying around?
EFFIE
Oh, Willis, don’t be a pill now. These are the clothes I’m donating to the women’s shelter.
ZEBULON
Ah. Those poor ladies must admire an upper west side lady like yourself.
EFFIE
They did. Then they met my husband.
SFX: LAUGHTER.
ZEBULON
One more remark like that and I’ll leave you on 80th avenue where I found you.
EFFIE
Don’t threaten me with a good time, you know that’s where Zabar’s is.
SFX: LAUGHTER.
LEIF
80th!
AVA
Go to 5 o’clock.
SFX: CHANNEL SURFING.
GLORIA
C’mon c’mon c’mon.
SFX: STATIC. LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW MUSIC.
EFFIE
Welcome back to “Not Too Late”, I’m Dr. Barbara.
CASPAR
What the fuck.
EFFIE
I hope everyone’s holidays were nice, impecunious, and restful, and if they weren’t restful, I hope you’re glad they’re over. Frank, how were your holidays?
ZEBULON
Y’know, Doctor, my step-mother hit us with the fruitcake again.
EFFIE
Oh no, the fruitcake.
ZEBULON
Nobody eats it, we don’t know what to do with it, it’s a problem.
EFFIE
Oh, you poor thing.
ZEBULON
Doctor, so much of our holidays are about handling problems.
EFFIE
You know, Frank, It’s funny you mention that because that’s what I want to talk about today with our callers. Holiday problems. For some people the holidays are a yearly crisis and they really shouldn’t be.
CASPAR
Okay, I’m done with this, give me the phone.
SFX: ROTARY PHONE DIALING.
EFFIE
So let’s hear from you about your crisis. Give us a call at 666-338-6570. Frank, who have we got on the line?
ZEBULON
Up first we’ve got Caspar calling in from... this is odd. It just says Supermassive Black Hole.
EFFIE
Well that’s weird, we’re going to have to talk to the screeners about that one. Caspar, how are you tonight?
CASPAR
I’m not good Dr. Barbara! I’m heading toward a particular “holiday” right now and it’s about to crush me and all the people I care about.
EFFIE
Okay, Caspar, let’s not overreact-
CASPAR
No, I literally mean it! No offense to Frank and his fruitcake, but my particular fruitcake has the gravitational pull of one-million suns! And the two people who are supposed to prevent that are NOWHERE to be found!
EFFIE
I know it’s stressful-
CASPAR
Things are supposed to work, Barbara. They’re supposed to work. You’re supposed to be able to rely on them. Not everything. Not everything has to work. But some things. Some things you should be able to rely on. The world is too cruel to not have things to rely on, and when those things go away you end up hurtling toward a supermassive black hole without anything to protect you!
LEIF
Caspar-
CASPAR
Effie, I know that’s you. Zebulon. Come on, you’re not a late night radio shrink, you’re two goddamn yokels in 1925 Arkansas! You know what? I don’t even know if you’re that! I don’t know what you are but I know that I depend on you. One of the few things that I depend on and now you’re gone as we’re all floating towards our doom!
SFX: RADIO STATIC.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Hello?!
SFX: PHONE SLAMMING DOWN. FRONT DOOR OPENS.
GLORIA
Uh, can he go out there?
AVA
He’s fine in the parking lot.
GLORIA
So, are we screwed?
LEIF
What does impecunious mean?
AVA
Leif.
GLORIA
It means poor.
LEIF
Really?
GLORIA
Yeah. Word-a-Day Calendar, I buy it every year.
LEIF
She used it wrong. She used it like it meant “relaxing.” It kind of stood out, didn’t it?
AVA
Hm.
LEIF
What could that mean?
AVA
Go back to the first station we tried.
GLORIA
We’re really cutting it close here.
AVA
We don’t have anything to lose at this point.
GLORIA
Okay.
SFX: CHANNEL SURFING. CROWD CHEERING.
ZEBULON
Kitty, the bench has cleared and we are looking at an all-out brawl on the fifty yard line! What started off as a friendly game of football is now just another night at Ike Turner’s!
EFFIE
Bram, the crowd is noisome!
SFX: STATIC.
GLORIA
Noisome means smelly.
AVA
Huh. Try the next one.
SFX: CHANNEL SURFING. NPR MUSIC.
EFFIE
Later, while speaking from the epistolary in Brazil, the President was quoted as saying “I do what I want. I’m popping.”
SFX: STATIC.
GLORIA
Epistolary isn’t a place it means “written in a letter.”
AVA
Oh, God. I think I know where this is going. Try another.
SFX: CHANNEL SURFING. GARDEN TIME MUSIC.
EFFIE
Marv, it’s time to talk peppers.
ZEBULON
I thought things were getting a little spicy in here.
EFFIE
Oh, Marv. You’re obstreperous.
SFX: STATIC.
GLORIA
Nope. Obstreperous means stubborn. What’s happening?
AVA
One more.
SFX: CHANNEL SURFING. 1940S MUSIC.
EFFIE
Willis, can you help me with this?
ZEBULON
Mrs. Cabbage, what is it now?
EFFIE
I’m writing a thank you note to Mrs. Tate and I was wondering if you could take a look at it.
ZEBULON
Very well, then, let’s see... Mrs. Cabbage there aren’t any words on this page.
EFFIE
Well that’s the first problem.
SFX: LAUGHTER
ZEBULON
What am I supposed to do with this, Mrs. Cabbage?
EFFIE
If you could just give me a starting place.
ZEBULON
How about starting with the first letter?
SFX: LAUGHTER. STATIC.
GLORIA
It’s gone.
SFX: CHANNEL SURFING.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
They’re all gone.
LEIF
What’s happening?
AVA
“Try starting with the first letter” The first letter of each wrong word. It spells “Ineo.”
GLORIA
I don’t know that one.
AVA
It’s Latin. It means “go in.”
LEIF
Go in where?
GLORIA
No way.
AVA
I think they mean our buddy out there.
LEIF
They want us to go into a supermassive black hole?
AVA
Unless you can think of something else.
GLORIA
Why would they tell us to do that?
AVA
I don’t know.
LEIF
That’s bad. I don’t like that at all.
AVA
And I’m thrilled?
GLORIA
It’s going to kill us.
AVA
Not necessarily. Honestly no one knows what happens inside one of those. It’s not just a lot of gravity it’s a complete breakdown of the basic forces of the universe. Who knows what happens when you decide to cruise right into it.
LEIF
Well I was going to lose that bet on the Colts anyway, so. Dodged that bullet.
GLORIA
So there’s nothing to be done?
AVA
I could use a refill on my coffee. Y’know, since you’re up.
LEIF
I’m going to go talk to Caspar.
SFX: DOOR CHIME. LOW HUM OF THE SUPERMASSIVE BLACK HOLE.
LEIF (CONT’D) Hey.
CASPAR
Hey.
LEIF
So, we have a plan.
CASPAR
No, we don’t.
LEIF
No, we really don’t. Ava thinks the message Zeb and Effie are trying to send is to go into the black hole.
CASPAR
That’s counter-intuitive.
LEIF
You’re telling me.
CASPAR
Okay. Fine. Fuck it.
LEIF
Funny that they look like suns, huh? Black holes? Like a photo negative of a sun.
CASPAR
Yeah.
LEIF
You know what else is funny? That we’re standing in a parking lot on the edge of a black hole and we’re like “Sure, whatever.”
CASPAR
Ha! Yeah.
LEIF
I knew this guy, he was a bartender on one of those pleasure cruisers on Neeso?
CASPAR
Oh yeah, those are nice.
LEIF
Neeso’s just paradise right? Most beautiful place I’ve ever seen. Just cruising on clear, calm water all day and night. I said to him “Man, you’ve got the best job. You get the same view as the paying customers and you get paid to be here. And he leaned into me and he said “You know what, Leif? You’d be surprised what can become just another fuckin’ job.”
CASPAR
(Laughing)
Yeah, I see what you mean.
LEIF
You seemed pretty freaked out in there, man. Which is understandable. Y’know, supermassive back hole and all.
CASPAR
You know, for a while it was just me and them. Before you showed up, before Ava. A long time ago I walked into what I thought was a diner in... where was I? Bakersfield. I walked into an abandoned diner and suddenly the old-timey radio next to the cash register started talking to me. And I thought, “Okay the radio’s talking to me, my psychotic break has arrived, this’ll be fun.” But then, 24 hours later, I was on Garrion.
LEIF
Oh yeah? Garrion was your first shift?
CASPAR
Yeah.
LEIF
Garrion 2 or 3?
CASPAR
Two.
LEIF
Two’s way better.
CASPAR
Right?
LEIF
The Chopped Cheese?
CASPAR
It’s the best.
LEIF
People don’t know.
CASPAR
Anyway. I saw some weird shit before you guys showed up. And I was glad that they were there for me. I depended on them. When you literally don’t have ground beneath your feet, other things become the ground. And when those things fail too, where does that leave you? Things are supposed to work. I like it when things work.
LEIF
Hey, for all we know, Ava is right and this is part of their plan. Maybe things keep working, they just don’t work in the way we expect them to.
CASPAR
Yeah, let’s hope. We’re coming up on it, we should get inside.
LEIF
Here we go.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
GLORIA
Last coffee before the supermassive black hole.
LEIF
Cool.
CASPAR
Sure, I’ll have some. Mind if I join you?
AVA
I don’t normally receive gentleman callers at my booth.
CASPAR
I’m sitting down.
AVA
I have five theories about what awaits us inside the black hole, would you like to hear them?
CASPAR
I really wouldn’t.
LEIF
Okay, seriously, what’s your secret with the coffee, why is it so good?
GLORIA
It’s complicated, Leif. I put the appropriate amount in the filter and then I don’t let it sit too long on the burner.
LEIF
Interesting.
CASPAR
Did you really get some sort of award in Belgium?
AVA
I did. But it was bittersweet because I had to share the award with one other scientist.
CASPAR
Bummer.
AVA
One might say that in Belgium my ego was a bit...
CASPAR
Don’t do it.
AVA
... Bruges-ed.
CASPAR
How dare you?
AVA
Here comes imminent doom. Anything to say before we’re all erased?
CASPAR
I’m glad you’re here.
AVA
I know.
SFX: THE DINER PLUNGING INTO THE BLACK HOLE, THEN SILENCE. THEN...
SONG: ROCK ME IN MY SWANEE CRADLE BY VERNON DALHART.
GLORIA
... And we’re back?
CASPAR
I guess so.
AVA
Well that’s lame.
LEIF
Yeah, what the hell?
CASPAR
I guess when you go through a black hole you end up... on the other side of the black hole.
LEIF
It was way better in the movie.
GLORIA
Effie? Zebulon, are you guys there? This sounds like their music.
EFFIE
Well, hey there, Gloria.
ZEBULON
We thought we’d lost you for a moment.
GLORIA
Oh, thank God.
CASPAR
Guys, what happened?
EFFIE
Well, I’m sure we don’t know.
ZEBULON
It’s a bit stormy here and I suppose the inclement weather interfered with us reaching you.
AVA
Oh, come on.
CASPAR
Wait, we went through a whole thing over here, to you guys we just cut out for a second?
EFFIE
That’s right, one moment you were there, the next you weren’t, and then there you were again.
LEIF
No way.
CASPAR
Nothing about, you know, the Colts versus the Dolphins?
ZEBULON
Well, I’ve never owned a horse, Caspar, but I don’t see what kind of ill will they might have towards a sea creature.
CASPAR
What the hell?
AVA
I want my money back.
LEIF
We went through a black hole!
EFFIE
I can’t say we know anything about that, Leif. But I’m sure that no matter the instance, the Lord had a plan.
AVA
Tell the Lord his plan blows.
GLORIA
Ava!
CASPAR
You’d prefer we get squished by the black hole?
AVA
Kind of.
ZEBULON
Now, I wouldn’t speak too harshly on the Lord’s plans, Ava. For it appears that the Lord’s plan for today involves a bit of rest and relaxation.
EFFIE
Have a look outside, y’all.
CASPAR
Oh. Hey.
SFX: DOOR CHIME. DINER FADES INTO THE BACKGROUND. SOUND OF A TRANQUIL OCEAN.
LEIF
Holy shit.
CASPAR
It’s Neeso.
GLORIA
It’s beautiful.
LEIF
This place is the best.
AVA
You’ve been here before?
CASPAR
Yeah. Been a long time.
LEIF
Not mad about the black hole anymore.
SFX: DISTANT SHIP’S HORN.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Oh hey, a pleasure cruiser’s docking. We’ve got twelve hours, who’s in the mood for a day cruise?
GLORIA
Oh, hell yeah.
LEIF
Follow me.
CASPAR
Sorry you didn’t discover the secrets of the black hole.
AVA
There’s always tomorrow. Show me around.
CASPAR
Okay.
AVA
Hang on, though.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
AVA (CONT’D)
Hey. You two. I’ve got questions. Just wanted to let you know.
EFFIE
Only the Lord provides answers, Ava.
AVA
Yeah. Sure. See you in eleven hours and fifty-nine minutes.
SFX: DOOR CHIME
ZEBULON
Quite a storm we had, my dear.
EFFIE
Indeed, husband. Indeed.
THE END