Chapter 3: The Ex Stops By
MUSIC:
SFX: THE DINER IS VERY BUSY.
GLORIA
Leif are you back there?
LEIF
Yeah, what’s up?
GLORIA
I don’t know where we are right now but I’m getting all kinds of crazy orders and I don’t know what to do with them.
LEIF
It’s looking like Harlan County, Kentucky. About 1934-ish.
GLORIA
Well that explains why the sexism AND the racism are jumping out. I don’t know what’s happened more times, me getting my ass grabbed or someone calling me “Señorita”.
LEIF
These are all striking coal miners, if it makes you feel any better half of these guys are going to have their legs broken by a Pinkerton by the end of the week.
GLORIA
That does not make me feel better at all.
LEIF
Sorry, too dark?
GLORIA
Look they’re ordering Mutton, Burgoo, and something called a Hot Brown.
LEIF
Yeah, I’ve got that. How many Hot Brown?
GLORIA
Seven all day. Where is Caspar?
LEIF
Emergency inventory. We’re having some serious stock issues.
EFFIE
Alright, brothers and sisters, this is Calamity Jane comin’ to you from Union Radio USA. Union or die!
SFX: THE DINER CHEERS.
EFFIE (CONT’D)
Just remember when you’re toiling out there on the picket line: when the coal stops, they freeze, when the bosses go on strike, nobody notices a goddamn thing! This next one is a classic. I want to hear you singing from the Hood to the Holler, and remember: at least the President knows your boss is a son of a bitch!
SFX: THE DINER CHEERS.
SONG: WHICH SIDE ARE YOU ON BY THE ALMANAC SINGERS
GLORIA
Effie, what’s up with the spicy language?... Effie?
ZEBULON
(Whispering)
Psst. Gloria.
GLORIA
Hey.
ZEBULON
In situations such as these my wife and I tend to play along so as not to spook the yokels.
GLORIA
Oh. Got it. Who is Calamity Jane?
ZEBULON
It’s a radio personality my wife will adopt from time to time of a hard drinking and swearing populist. It’s very sinful but the Lord does tend to forgive, and she does tend to enjoy it.
GLORIA
And you enjoy it a little bit, too?
ZEBULON
Well I...
GLORIA
Your secret’s safe with me, Pastor. Where’s Ava?
ZEBULON
Ava also finds herself at home in such hardscrabble environs. I imagine there’ll be a sing along any time now.
AVA
Sing, you bastards! WHICH SIDE ARE YOU ON? WHICH SIDE ARE YOU ON?
SFX: SOUND SLOWLY FADES ON AVA LEADING THE DINER IN A SING ALONG.
SFX: DOOR CHIME
GLORIA
Thanks for coming by, everyone. Go Union!
SFX: DOOR CHIME
GLORIA (CONT’D)
Sheesh. I haven’t worked a shift like that in years.
AVA
Coal miners rule. They all smell like brimstone.
CASPAR
Okay, emergency inventory is done. Gloria, sorry I left you alone, did it go okay?
GLORIA
You owe my feet an apology.
CASPAR
I apologize to your feet, but the walk-in is in crisis mode and we need to go shopping.
AVA
Shopping spree!
GLORIA
I was going to ask about that. How do you restock? Do you just wait for a location with a grocery store?
CASPAR
The walk-in magically regenerates stock on its own but it regenerates at random. Sometimes we have to do some emergency shopping until we get a new quote-unquote delivery.
GLORIA
Same with the deep-freeze?
CASPAR
We don’t like to talk about the deep-freeze. Leif?
LEIF
Okay, I’ve got cash here. Are you doing dry goods or produce?
CASPAR
I’ll do dry goods, you do produce and meat.
LEIF
Awesome. 1934 Kentucky? There’s going to be some amazing lard out there.
GLORIA
You have 1934 American currency just laying around?
LEIF
I make it with the pasta maker.
GLORIA
Wow. Health code violation.
AVA
Give me money.
CASPAR
Where are you going?
AVA
I’m headed over to the old-timey tobacconist to buy some smokey treats. Hopefully he’ll refer to it as “tabaki”.
LEIF
Gloria, do you want some money?
GLORIA
I think I’ve had enough local flavor for one day, I’m going to put my feet up.
CASPAR
Okay, I think we’ve got about four hours until we lift off. Don’t get left behind, guys.
AVA
Sing it with me!
EVERYONE
WHICH SIDE ARE YOU ON? WHICH SIDE ARE YOU ON?
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
EFFIE
Gloria, if you don’t mind my husband and I are going to retire as well. After my turn as Calamity Jane we always need to pray together.
GLORIA
Yeah, you do.
ZEBULON
Enjoy your quietude.
EFFIE
Move quickly, husband.
GLORIA
(Sighing)
Hey Gloria. It’s Gloria. Just wanted to check in with you. You just worked an entire shift in 1934 Kentucky in a time-traveling, dimension-spanning diner. You know, normal shit.
SFX: SOMETHING MATRIALIZING IN THE PARKING LOT.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
SFX: HIGH HEELS WALKING IN.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
Oh. Hi there. Can I help you?
THE EX
You are not Caspar.
GLORIA
No, I’m not. You’re looking for Caspar?
THE EX
You are Gloria.
GLORIA
How do you know my name?
THE EX
From Arizona.
GLORIA
Uh...
THE EX
Baby, how long are we going to do this? I feel like I haven’t seen you for weeks.
GLORIA
Ricky, I can’t let up now. Things are happening, it’s going really well.
THE EX
It’s going well for you, how about us?
GLORIA
It usually takes two years for a restaurant to turn a profit. We’re turning a profit after six months.
THE EX
We didn’t even need the money.
GLORIA
Well, what is that supposed to mean?
THE EX
Why do you think I worked so hard to get a promotion? So I could support you guys.
GLORIA
Who is “you guys”?
THE EX
Never mind, I’m not doing this now.
GLORIA
Ricky, where are you going?
SFX: DOOR CHIME
GLORIA (CONT’D)
Ricky, don’t walk out, come on we need to talk about stuff like WHAT THE FUCK... What just happened? Effie, Zebulon, are you guys there?... What is happening?
SFX: DOOR CHIME
AVA
Miracle of miracles, the old-timey tobacconist is also the moonshine guy. His mentally slow son will be delivering three jugs any minute now.
GLORIA
Why are you back so soon?
AVA
I’ve been gone for an hour.
GLORIA
What?!
AVA
What’s going on?
GLORIA
Something weird just happened.
AVA
Oh. Lovely. What?
GLORIA
A woman came in and said she was looking for Caspar and then before I knew it I was arguing with her like she was Ricky, my possessive ex-boyfriend.
AVA
Oh fucking hell.
SFX: DOOR CHIME
LEIF
Okay, produce is on the way. I hope everyone likes rhubarb, it’s going to be in every dish for a while.
AVA
Leif.
LEIF
What? Shit. What’s happening?
AVA
Tell him what you told me.
GLORIA
A woman came in and I started arguing with her like she was my ex-boyfriend.
LEIF
Oh fucking hell.
GLORIA
Who is she?
AVA
A pain in my ass, is who she is.
LEIF
We don’t know who she is. She comes around every once and a while and makes our lives hell.
AVA
We started calling her The Ex.
LEIF
She’s some sort of trans-dimensional being. When you interact with her she takes on the persona of your most prominent Ex and you have no choice but to argue with her.
AVA
She’s the universal embodiment of all exes.
GLORIA
Gross.
AVA
Right?
GLORIA
Is she dangerous?
LEIF
No.
AVA
Just interminable.
GLORIA
Okay. That’s really annoying but It’s fine, right? I mean, I’ve argued with Ricky nine thousand times before, what’s one more?
LEIF
It’s complicated.
AVA
Caspar is terrified of her.
GLORIA
So am I.
AVA
No, I mean it’s bad. He kind of loses it.
GLORIA
Whoa. What’s going on there?
AVA
Nobody knows.
GLORIA
Have you tried asking?
LEIF
When she comes by we pretend we’re a dysfunctional Midwestern family and just don’t talk about it.
GLORIA
It’s that bad?
AVA
Watch.
SFX: DOOR CHIME
CASPAR
Okay I got flour, cornmeal, and salt but he was out of sugar which is surprising considering the state of the teeth in this town.
AVA
Caspar.
CASPAR
What?
AVA
She’s back.
CASPAR
Who’s back?
AVA
Her, Caspar.
CASPAR
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.
AVA
No.
CASPAR
Where is she?
AVA
We don’t know. She did a drive-by on Gloria and then walked out.
CASPAR
She could be fucking anywhere, then.
AVA
Yes, but we know she’ll end up here.
CASPAR
Of course she’ll end up here, she’s a goddamn emotional terrorist!
LEIF
It’s going to be fine-
CASPAR
Lock the doors. Did we lock the doors?
AVA
We’ve tried that before, locked doors don’t stop her.
CASPAR
Oh, okay. Let’s just sit here then and let this psychopath pick away at us, what a great idea!
LEIF
We’ll keep her away from you, okay?
CASPAR
It’s not just me! It’s not just me, it’s all of us! She traumatizes all of us!
AVA
I mean, to varying degrees.
CASPAR
Don’t you start with me!
AVA
Okay, I’m putting you in the walk-in.
CASPAR
Leif, lock the doors. Board up the doors! Have we tried that?
AVA
Get in there. Go.
CASPAR
How long are we going to endure this shit? Seriously, have we tried lamb’s blood on the doors?!
SFX: WALK-IN DOOR CLOSES. CASPAR HEARD RANTING FROM BEHIND THE DOOR.
GLORIA
Wow. I’m going to steer clear of that.
AVA
Good idea.
GLORIA
Well shit, okay, what happens now?
AVA
Misery. We wait here, she comes by at random and we try and keep her away from Caspar until she loses interest and leaves.
GLORIA
That’s it?
AVA
Isn’t that what exes do? They show up, acting casual, then you realize they want to rehash some argument that they never got emotional gratification for and then when they realize they’re not going to get that gratification they suddenly have a plane to catch or something.
ZEBULON
Hey there, y’all. We’re back and feeling refreshed, what did we miss?
LEIF
The Ex is back.
EFFIE
Aw, snails.
ZEBULON
Again with this abomination?
EFFIE
Where’s Caspar?
LEIF
Ava locked him in the walk-in.
EFFIE
Good lookin’ out.
LEIF
You know what though? Caspar’s right. This woman is an emotional terrorist and we shouldn’t have to put up with this bullshit.
GLORIA
Maybe “terrorist” is overstating it?
LEIF
Is it? She strikes at random and provokes overblown responses.
AVA
I think we’ve tried everything at this point, Leif, I think we just have to eat it.
LEIF
I’ve been thinking about her, though.
EFFIE
Oh, Lord.
AVA
That always goes well.
LEIF
We keep calling her a trans-dimensional being but what if she’s not?
AVA
What is she instead?
LEIF
A construct. Like an A.I..
GLORIA
Someone made an Ex-Bot?
LEIF
Exactly.
GLORIA
Why would someone do that?
LEIF
Well that’s a whole other line of questioning, my question is, if you were a trans-dimensional entity would you really spend all of your time confronting people about their failed relationships?
AVA
You’re saying because of her narrow agenda, her existence has to be deliberate somehow?
LEIF
This is what I’m saying.
AVA
Hm. So let’s say you’re right. Let’s say some mad scientist somewhere made an Ex-Bot to wander the multi-verse and get into other peoples’ business. God knows why someone would do that but they also made six Transformers movies so...
GLORIA
How does that change what we do?
LEIF
I say, if she’s an emotional terrorist it’s time for us to, y’know, drone strike a wedding.
GLORIA
Okay, Leif, again-
LEIF
Sorry, too dark again, what I mean is let’s go on the offensive.
ZEBULON
We support you in your endeavors, Leif, but what are the steps to this particular square-dance?
LEIF
It would start with you two. Effie, Zebulon, how old were you two when you met?
EFFIE
Zebulon was eleven and I had just turned twelve.
LEIF
And you’ve never been with anyone else, right?
ZEBULON
No we have not. We were affianced upon my fifteenth birthday and we have been together ever since, for our marriage is made strong my a singular truth.
EFFIE
That divorce is an abomination.
ZEBULON
And that we love each other very much.
EFFIE
Yes, also that.
LEIF
So when she walks in I want you guys to hit her with the story of how you met and fell in love. People without exes would be outside of her parameters and she would need to recalibrate. While she’s distracted we all go at her, all at the same time.
AVA
Go at her how?
LEIF
We don’t wait for her to argue with us, we start arguing with her like she’s our ex. All of us at the same time.
AVA
You want to try and overload her processor.
LEIF
Exactly.
AVA
If your theory is correct and she has one.
LEIF
I’m telling you, I’m right about this.
GLORIA
Is that going to be enough?
LEIF
It’s worth a shot. But listen, we’ve really got to go for it, though. All the things you wanted to say to your ex but never did? Let it all hang out, get uncomfortable with it because she’s not going to hold back on us.
AVA
God, this is going to suck.
GLORIA
It’s going to be terrible.
EFFIE
Dear, remind me to give thanks to Jesus for never having to date.
ZEBULON
We’ll remind each other.
LEIF
Are we together on this? I feel like we have a plan.
AVA
I guess.
GLORIA
But I don’t want to.
LEIF
Hey, if this works, we’ll never have to deal with this nonsense again. Are we in?
AVA
We’re in.
GLORIA
Fine.
EFFIE
We’re glad to help however we can, Leif.
LEIF
Okay. Good. Have there been any sightings of her since first contact?
GLORIA
No.
LEIF
Let’s keep our eyes out the window so we can see her coming.
AVA
I really was having a good day.
GLORIA
I liked escaping my old life. Now, here it comes again.
LEIF
What’s going on across the street?
AVA
Is it a party or something?
GLORIA
That’s not a party, that’s a bar fight.
LEIF
Oh, that’s got to be her.
AVA
Definitely her brand of chaos.
LEIF
Keep your eyes on the bar. When she starts heading here, everybody hide.
GLORIA
So, what’s yours?
AVA
My ex? Ugh. Chad.
GLORIA
You literally dated a guy named Chad?
AVA
Look, there are Chads out there in the wild. There’s nothing we can do about it.
GLORIA
How often did he wear a polo shirt?
AVA
He owned a bakery, okay? You’d be surprised what you put up with when free baked goods are added to the equation. And he wore a polo shirt 90% of the time.
GLORIA
Why did you break up?
AVA
Because his name was Chad but his personality was also named Chad, know what I mean?
GLORIA
Oh yeah.
AVA
We actually broke up twice. I was working at Jet Propulsion Laboratory at the time, we were having a party and needed a cake. I snuck into his bakery and stole one and that somehow led to us having to break up again even though we had already broken up.
GLORIA
You seriously stole one of his cakes?
AVA
I had put in the hours. I worked for that cake. Who was Ricky?
GLORIA
Ricky was a good guy, he was just old fashioned. He wanted me to stay home and crank out babies like a playdough fun factory.
AVA
Babies are gross.
GLORIA
Sometimes I think we could’ve made it work, and then there’s a voice in my head that says “Yeah, sure, just as long as you literally change who you are entirely.” So... How about you Leif?
LEIF
B’jolanth.
AVA
Oh, I remember her. God, she was annoying.
LEIF
Hey, I loved her.
AVA
Aren’t the men on her planet an alternative food source?
LEIF
No, they hardly ever do that anymore.
GLORIA
Why’d you guys break up?
AVA
Don’t ask-
LEIF
Our genitals weren’t compatible.
AVA
Overshare.
LEIF
Look, it’s a problem. You’re a single guy out there wandering various star systems, eventually it rears it’s ugly head.
AVA
I’ll say! Zing.
LEIF
Shit.
GLORIA
Oh, fuck. Here she comes.
LEIF
Everybody hide. Zeb, Effie, you guys ready?
ZEBULON
We’re going to wistfully recall like we’ve never wistfully recalled before.
LEIF
That’s what I’m talking about.
ZEBULON
What are you’re thoughts, my love? Banjo?
EFFIE
No, no dear. Mountain Dulcimer.
ZEBULON
Indeed.
SFX: DOOR CHIME. HIGH HEELS WALKING.
THE EX
Where is Caspar?
SONG: MOUNTAIN DULCIMER MUSIC.
ZEBULON
I can still remember the day I first saw you. How the mountains split the clouds like the shears of a dressmaker. I sat atop the pig shelter, having just visited with my favorite sow, Pansy, when you and your Daddy crested the nearby hills. You were silhouetted by the morning sun. It was the rest of my life headed towards me, though I would never know it.
THE EX
Scanning for target.
EFFIE
I was different that morning, when I awoke. Our fathers had business to discuss and with my mother visiting her ailing sister in Booneville I knew I must accompany him. As we headed out the door my father asked “Honey, where is Maybelle?” Maybelle was my dolly, and I had not been without her at my side since I was given her at the age of six. Yet, for some reason that morning I had left Maybelle behind. It was the first time I could feel a change in the air.
ZEBULON
I was so nervous as she approached. I turned to Pansy and said “Pansy, my girl, what am I to say to her if she speaks to me? I’ve never seen someone like her.”
EFFIE
And I recall thinking “I’ve never seen someone so attached to a pig. Especially someone who’s family has dedicated themselves to so efficiently turning said pigs into chops and shoulders.”
ZEBULON
Honey, please, it’s a sensitive subject.
EFFIE
Dear, I’m only recalling how your true first love had a snout and a curly tail.
ZEBULON
I believe there still may be some Calamity Jane lingering within you, my love.
EFFIE
Perhaps you have an Ex after all and the break-up happened at supper time!
THE EX
Target not acquired.
LEIF
NOW!
GLORIA
Rickey, you can’t just walk out while we’re fighting, what the hell?
THE EX
What do you care? I’m just another thing on your little list. You handle me the same way you handle the damn tortilla vendors.
AVA
Chad, why do you have to be like this?
THE EX
I invite you for a couples weekend and the next thing I know you’re gone. You showing up here just because you need something makes you a shitty person.
AVA
Well you using the term “couples weekend” makes YOU a shitty person.
LEIF
My love, this just isn’t going to work.
THE EX
Oh Leif, don’t say such things. Whatever challenges we face, we’ll face them together.
LEIF
We’re literally two different species, I think that’s more than a challenge.
GLORIA
That’s not fair.
THE EX
None of this shit is fair, Gloria. I’m a good guy. I’m good to you. I’m always on the back burner.
GLORIA
Do you ever, for one second, acknowledge the stress that I’m under?
THE EX
You mean the stress that you cause yourself? You mean the stress that you volunteered for without even asking me?
GLORIA
Oh, “asking you”?
THE EX
Couples weekends are nice-
AVA
They’re a fucking car show, Chad. Everyone shows up with their hot rod-
THE EX
Fuck this.
AVA
(To herself)
Fucking bread-pimp.
THE EX
You can’t let that stand in the way of true love.
LEIF
Honey, you lay eggs.
THE EX
Why do you keep bringing that up?!
LEIF
It’s an important detail.
THE EX
We’re in a relationship. You came home one day with a business loan.
GLORIA
You knew this was a dream of mine.
THE EX
It wasn’t a dream of mine!
GLORIA
I know all about your dreams. Your dreams all involve me, at home, taking care of children.
THE EX
You stole a cake from my shop!
AVA
You were being a dick!
THE EX
That cake was going to a funeral.
AVA
Who the fuck has cake at a funeral?
THE EX
They were from Thailand, it’s a cultural thing!
THE EX (CONT’D) (To Leif)) Why do you get so paralyzed by details?
LEIF
Sometimes you can overlook things. “She’s a really great girl, unfortunately she’s a Juggalo” you can get past stuff like that. “She’s a really great girl but I’d have to build her a hen house” that’s different.
THE EX
You told me you wanted kids.
GLORIA
I also want to go to Spain. Y’know, SOMEDAY. When it’s THE RIGHT TIME TO GO TO SPAIN.
AVA
I don’t want to ever see your face ever again for as long as I live.
THE EX
I don’t know your friends seem to like me an awful lot. Could I be that bad?
AVA
Yes.
THE EX
You know, I figured you out. You don’t know what’s good for you.
AVA
Oh my God.
THE EX
There is literally no reason why you and I can’t make this happen. I’m good looking, I’m a successful businessman, I’m great at parties, do you have any idea how many times I’ve won “best frosting” in the L.A. Weekly?
THE EX (CONT’D)
(To Gloria)
You’re constantly making excuses for us to not be together.
LEIF
My biological makeup is making the excuses.
THE EX
Things haven’t been the same since you met my parents.
LEIF
They tried to kill me!
THE EX
It’s tradition!
THE EX (CONT’D)
When is “someday”? Can you tell me that? Because I’ve been waiting.
GLORIA
It’s not today. And the more you act like this the further away it gets.
THE EX
Oh you’re threatening me now?
GLORIA
I’m saying you fighting with me like this does not exactly put me in a baby-making mood.
THE EX
I wasted two years of my life on you.
GLORIA
Wasted? Get the fuck out of here!
LEIF
Baby, look. I know you believe that as long as we have love that we can overcome any obstacle. But love isn’t a cure-all, it’s just a starting point. Do I love you? Yes. Do we have anything else going for us? No. Sometimes you fall in love and the universe says “No, Dude. Sorry.”
AVA
You know I’ve figured you out too Chad. You were probably a Freshman in college, right? And you said to yourself “what makes me a valuable human being”? Successful and hip business. Check. Well groomed beard. Check. Stylish haircut. Check. Sexy girlfriend. Check. Award winning frosting. Check.
Check check check check check. The frosting is the problem, Chad. You’re all frosting. Where’s the fucking cake?
THE EX
You’ll be... You’ll be... You’ll be... Back.. You’ll... Back. You’ll...
LEIF
Stand back, she might explode.
THE EX
I OBVIOUSLY... DESERVE BETTER... THAN YOOOOOOOOOU-
SFX: ELECTRICITY ARCS THROUGH THE ROOM. THE EX FALLS TO THE GROUND.
GLORIA
Oh my God. Did we do it?
LEIF
I think we did.
GLORIA
That was kind of cathartic.
AVA
I kind of want to do it again.
LEIF
Nice work, you guys.
GLORIA
Caspar’s going to be thrilled.
LEIF
Yeah, we should let him out.
AVA
I’ll get him.
SFX: AVA KNOCKING ON THE WALK-IN DOOR.
CASPAR
(Through the Walk-In door)
Is she gone?
AVA
Even better. She has been defeated.
CASPAR
What do you mean?
AVA
Leif had himself a little plan. Turns out your arch-nemesis was a robot.
CASPAR
What? This whole time?
AVA
Yes.
CASPAR
Let me see.
AVA
Not so fast, Cowboy.
CASPAR
What?
AVA
Caspar, why did someone construct an Ex-Bot and send it looking for you across space and time just to confront you about your past relationships?
CASPAR
We’ve never established she was looking for me specifically.
AVA
The first words out of her mouth are always “Where’s Caspar”.
CASPAR
Look, I don’t know what to tell you. It makes as much sense as anything around here.
AVA
You can tell me things and it won’t kill you.
CASPAR
I’m not convinced of that. Can you let me out please?
AVA
Fine.
SFX: WALK-IN OPENS.
LEIF
Hey. Look what we did.
GLORIA
I really needed this. I really got some aggression out.
EFFIE
You and me both, sister.
ZEBULON
It will be good for our general comity to be free of this aberration.
CASPAR
It’s a relief, for sure. Thank you, guys. I’m sorry it’s such a mess all the time.
GLORIA
It’s over now, Caspar.
CASPAR
Yeah.
LEIF
We should drag her out to the parking lot before we take off.
CASPAR
I’ll do it. You guys have done enough. Just give me a minute okay?
AVA
Hey. How about you two come out back and help me bring in the three huge jugs of moonshine I bought?
LEIF
Oh man. That stuff’ll make you go blind.
AVA
Well, I’ve seen too much anyway. Come on.
SFX: BACK DOOR OPENS.
CASPAR
Alright, Lady. You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here. Let’s go.
THE EX
You... left... me...
CASPAR
There was nothing left to leave.
THE EX
We were... in love... it should be... indestructible...
CASPAR
There’s nothing more fragile.
THE EX
And now... you’ll wander...
CASPAR
I’m not wandering.
SFX: BODY BEING DRAGGED. DOOR CHIME. DOOR CHIME AGAIN.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Enough. Guys, don’t say anything okay?
EFFIE
Of course not, Caspar.
ZEBULON
My friend, I must remind you that there is a very thin line between searching and running.
CASPAR
I know which side of that line I’m on.
ZEBULON
I pray that you do.
SFX: BACK DDOR OPENING.
LEIF
Jesus, these things are huge.
GLORIA
Why did you get so much?
AVA
Relax, it’s not like it goes bad. This stuff’ll outlast a young galaxy.
SFX: THREE HUGE JUGS BEING SET DOWN ON THE COUNTER.
AVA (CONT’D)
Caspar. How are you doing?
CASPAR
Effie? How about some drinking music?
EFFIE
Amen, Brother.
AVA
Okay, then.
SFX: JUG BEING UNCORKED
AVA (CONT’D)
First one to puke has to clean up everybody else’s puke.
SONG: DRINKING MUSIC OF SOME SORT.