Chapter 2: Planet Straightforward
SONG: WHITE HOUSE BLUES BY CHARLIE POOLE AND THE NORTH CAROLINA RAMBLERS
GLORIA
Hey, Effie, isn’t that more secular music? I thought you only did that on special occasions?
EFFIE
Funny you should ask that, Gloria. It stems from a fascinating conversation between my husband and I.
ZEBULON
The crux of it being, if The Lord is master of all creation from whom all springs, is there any music that cannot praise his name?
EFFIE
In the end, there can be no thing not praising him and deserving of his love.
GLORIA
Cool, let me tell you about a guy named David Bowie some time, then.
CASPAR
Okay, guys, huddle up, what do we think of the new girl?
LEIF
I think she’s great, she says my name right.
AVA
What are you talking about?
CASPAR
We don’t say your name right?
LEIF
She says “Laef”.
CASPAR
That’s what we’re saying.
AVA
That’s how we pronounce it.
CASPAR
Leef.
LEIF
Laef.
CASPAR
That’s what I’m saying.
AVA
That’s what he just said.
LEIF
Laef.
AVA
Leef. I’m saying it right.
CASPAR
We’re both saying it right.
LEIF
You’re not. Gloria, how do you pronounce my name?
GLORIA
I say Laef but you guys say Leef. Am I saying it wrong?
CASPAR
I heard the same word twice, is that what you heard?
AVA
Yeah, I think they’re both having a stroke.
LEIF
Maybe you’re both having a stroke.
AVA
I can’t have a stroke, I’m too powerful.
CASPAR
Hey, Gloria, what are you doing?
GLORIA
Side work.
CASPAR
What is side work?
GLORIA
Side work. Y’know before a shift starts you fill up the sugars, marry the Ketchup bottles, wipe down the tables.
CASPAR
Oh, well, look at us.
AVA
Fancy.
CASPAR
I don’t know about you but I’m going to drape a white linen over my arm.
LEIF
Gonna go back in the kitchen, make some duck a l'orange.
AVA
I’m going to put on some high heels and order some Clams Casino.
ZEBULON
I, for one, enjoy the air of finery that Gloria brings to our humble establishment. Honey, I think I’ll put on my good overalls.
EFFIE
And I’ll put on my one dress that’s been in my family for a generation and has seen more funerals than an undertaker.
GLORIA
Is this a hazing? You’re making fun of the new girl?
CASPAR
I’m not sure, we’ve never had a new girl before.
GLORIA
Hey, what am I looking at outside the window? It’s incredible.
AVA
That’s the curvature of space. We’re skirting around the outside of a spatial plane before settling down at a particular location.
CASPAR
Leif and I call that the “Back of the Serpent”.
AVA
Because they are apparently Norse and 2000 years old.
ZEBULON
My brothers and sisters, we should prepare. I can feel the fibers of creation beginning to settle into place. Our arrival is imminent.
CASPAR
Alright, well I hope everyone’s finished their side work.
GLORIA
Ha ha.
ZEBULON
Effie, what are you feeling in your bones about our new destination?
EFFIE
The lord whispers to me of a dense and wondrous land of forests and streams, teeming with life.
GLORIA
That sounds nice.
EFFIE
Also something about teeth.
GLORIA
That sounds... sharp.
ZEBULON
To hasten our arrival, let’s hear from the Smith’s Sacred Singers shall we?
SONG: SMITHS SACRED SINGERS, LIFE’S RAILWAY TO HEAVEN
CASPAR
Okay, you ready for you first shift?
GLORIA
Pretty sure there’s no way I could be ready for this.
CASPAR
That’s the spirit.
GLORIA
How does this usually work?
CASPAR
It’s like any diner. We open the door at six. Then, unlike any diner, once we open we’ll be in one of two situations: Either A) Somone needs to come in and have a seat or B) Something tries to violently kill us.
GLORIA
There’s no third option?
CASPAR
Yes, sometimes it’s both.
LEIF
I’m going to heat up the grill.
AVA
I’m going to sit at my booth and do nothing at all.
CASPAR
Okay, here we go.
SFX: THEIR NEW REALITY COMES INTO FOCUS. I PROMISE THAT MAKES SOME SORT OF SOUND.
GLORIA
Wow, Effie was right, it’s a forest.
CASPAR
Doesn’t look too threatening. Let’s open up.
SFX: DOOR UNLOCKING. DOOR OPENING. SOUND OF THE DINER FADES INTO THE BACKGROUND. SOUND OF THE FOREST.
GLORIA
It’s really beautiful.
CASPAR
This is looking like more of an “A” situation, so that’s good.
GLORIA
Ow. Hey I tripped on something, hang on.
SFX: RUMMAGING THROUGH THE DIRT.
CASPAR
What is it?
GLORIA
It’s a... whoa. Look at that.
CASPAR
Is that a bone?
GLORIA
Oof. It’s heavy. It looks like a jawbone.
CASPAR
Look at the teeth on it.
GLORIA
Effie was right about those too.
SFX: LOW GROWL FROM THE TREE LINE.
CASPAR
Was that your stomach?
GLORIA
I was hoping it was yours.
CASPAR
Any chance we both just imagined that at the same time?
GLORIA
I’m beginning to feel this is not an “A” situation.
SFX: HUNGRY ROAR
CASPAR
It’s B. It’s B. Back inside it’s B! B B B B B B!
SFX: DOOR OPENING. DOOR LOCKING.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
It’s B! B situation.
AVA
Oh great. What is it?
GLORIA
We didn’t see it, we heard it.
AVA
Why do you have a huge bone in your hand?
GLORIA
I forgot to drop it!
LEIF
What’s up?
CASPAR
There’s something out there.
LEIF
What is it? Cool bone.
CASPAR
We heard something.
LEIF
What’d you hear?
SFX: LOUDER ROAR. IT ECHOES THROUGH THE FOREST.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Oh yeah. B situation. Is the door locked?
CASPAR
It’s locked.
LEIF
It sounds massive.
AVA
Maybe we’re on Planet Irony and the creature is actually quite small.
SFX: HUGE FOOTSTEPS LURKING OUTSIDE
CASPAR
Does that sound like Irony to you?
AVA
Okay, I guess we’re on Planet Straightforward then.
CASPAR
Can anyone see anything?
GLORIA
It’s too dark.
CASPAR
Is the sign on?
LEIF
No.
CASPAR
Leif, first of all we had a whole conversation about how we need to turn the sign on when we open, secondly, turn the sign on please.
LEIF
Okay, okay.
CASPAR
Please don’t be terrifying, please don’t be terrifying.
LEIF
Sign coming on.
SFX: BUZZ OF NEON LIGHTS.
CASPAR
Holy shit.
GLORIA
Really big monster.
AVA
Zero irony.
LEIF
Oh, that’s a big boy.
CASPAR
Look at it’s teeth.
AVA
Look at Gloria’s teeth.
GLORIA
What?
AVA
The huge jaw bone you’re holding in your hands? Look at the teeth.
GLORIA
Oh my God!
SFX: JAWBONE DROPPING TO THE FLOOR.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
It’s the same teeth.
AVA
I sincerely hope that’s the bones of one of his enemies and not an old pal of his.
LEIF
It’s like someone put a shark’s head on top of a 12 foot emaciated corpse.
AVA
Not a darwinian masterpiece for sure.
SFX: HUGE ROAR
LEIF
Oh. It’s looking right at me.
GLORIA
Is it going to be able to get in here?
CASPAR
Well there was that one time we were literally inside a Red Dwarf so I’m assuming one creature HERE IT COMES!
SFX: THE CREATURE RAMS THE DOOR OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Okay. Okay the door’s holding.
AVA
Anyone else think it’s weird that it’s bipedal in a forest biome?
CASPAR
Read the room, Ava.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
LEIF
It’s looking for another way in.
GLORIA
Is there one?
LEIF
I don’t think so.
CASPAR
Unless you forgot to lock the back door again.
LEIF
Shit. Hang on.
SFX: BACK DOOR LOCKING.
LEIF (CONT’D)
We’re good.
SFX: CREATURE RAMMING THE BACK DOOR.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Whoa! It’s back here now.
GLORIA
Any other place we forgot to lock? Is there a sun porch or something?
LEIF
No, we’re good.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE.
LEIF (CONT’D)
Wow, it really wants in here.
CASPAR
It’s fine. We’re in here, it’s out there. We’ll wait it out and in the morning we’ll be gone and it’ll be confused then go on with it’s day.
LEIF
Hmm.
AVA
Yeah. Hmm.
CASPAR
Jesus. What?
AVA
Nothing.
LEIF
Nothing.
GLORIA
What?
LEIF
It’s just...
AVA
I mean...
CASPAR
I’m going to kill both of you, what is it?
LEIF
I know Ava was joking about it being Planet Staightforward but I mean...
AVA
It’s really straightforward.
LEIF
A creature outside trying to get in? That’s it?
AVA
No spatial distortion, no dimensional rift?
LEIF
It’s very early-oughts horror movie. There’s a thing in the woods and it’s killing people and no one will belive you. That sort of thing.
AVA
Starring Justin Long.
LEIF
Right, and like, Kate Bosworth.
CASPAR
Who cares?
ZEBULON
I believe what our compatriots are attempting to convey is that our current predicament on its face is the picture of simplicity.
EFFIE
And perhaps if we sat with that simplicity for a moment, we would begin to observe complexities within complexities.
ZEBULON
The Mona Lisa is simply a picture of a nice lady. But look closer and there is a universe within.
GLORIA
So what? We’ve got to figure this out or something?
LEIF
Maybe it bears a closer look.
AVA
Yeah, it’s too boring.
CASPAR
Guys, I would really like a night off.
AVA
I know, but it’s too booooooring.
CASPAR
Wouldn’t a night off be nice, though?
GLORIA
But it’s my first night.
CASPAR
Ok. Let me counter offer. How about we NOT figure it out and instead Leif makes... Night Breakfast.
AVA
Oooh. Night Breakfast.
EFFIE
The temptation is strong. For Night Breakfast is forbidden.
ZEBULON
Truly food that is syrup-ed belongs in the day. And yet, from time to time, one finds oneself presented with a pile of waffles when the moon is high, a scoop of whipped butter melting atop them.
GLORIA
I’m not going to lie, that sounds straight-up erotic but maybe Leif’s right. Maybe we should figure out what the deal is with this horrific thing outside and THEN have Night Breakfast, as a reward.
CASPAR
Okay. Fine. But then after Night Breakfast we are playing a game of dice in the walk-in.
AVA
You currently owe me 2800 dollars from dice in the walk in.
CASPAR
Yes but what if this time I’m in the zone?
LEIF
You’re never in the zone.
GLORIA
Guys, focus. I’m hungry now. Ava, do some science, what the deal with this thing?
AVA
I don’t know, I’m not a Zoologist. You know what we called the Zoologists back in school? Poop-lookers. You want to know why?
CASPAR
Because they looked at a lot of poop?
AVA
Because they looked at a lot of poop.
GLORIA
Why is everyone being goofy right now?
CASPAR
Because the situation was supposed to be either A: We have customers or B: Something tries to kill us. A: There are no customers, and B: The thing that’s trying to kill us very obviously can’t get in here to kill us. It’s like a snow day.
LEIF
Here, I’ll start it off. There’s a thing outside. It’s huge and ugly. It wants to get in here to eat us.
AVA
That’s an assumption you’re making.
LEIF
I am making that assumption because it’s mouth is full of teeth and the size of a manhole cover. What else would you use that mouth for?
AVA
We need an option for comparison. There’s a huge jawbone on the floor that obviously comes from one of the same species, maybe it wants that.
GLORIA
Why would it want that?
AVA
It would have to be a known unknown - we know that we don’t know it but we know there’s something to know.
CASPAR
But applying Occam’s Razor, what’s the most logical reason why a monster whose mouth looks like it’s full of can-openers wants to get in here?
AVA
True, but Occam’s razor can quite often be a refuge for bedwetters. Are you a bedwetter, Caspar? Because I have my suspicions.
CASPAR
Are all Physicists mean?
AVA
Yes.
GLORIA
I don’t know who Occam is but I think you’re saying that the most likely thing has got to be true, but since we’re trying to, y’know, look deeper, maybe we shouldn’t go with the obvious thing.
AVA
Agreed.
CASPAR
How long are we going to do this for? Can we have a time limit?
SFX: THE CREATURE HOWLING AND SUDDENLY RUNNING OFF INTO THE TREES.
LEIF
Where’s it going? You think it lost interest?
CASPAR
Well I know I have.
LEIF
It is kind of hard to find the nuance here. I think it’s just a creature and this is Planet Straightforward.
CASPAR
That’s what I say. We don’t have to do a full investigation into this. It’s a big monster. Who cares? Sometimes a monster is just a monster.
EFFIE
So true. You know who else said that, Husband?
ZEBULON
Who was that, Honey?
EFFIE
The Trojans. “Oh, look, a beautiful wooden horse they have given us as a gift. Let’s not look into it too much.”
ZEBULON
“What could possibly go wrong?”
AVA
You see that, you’re getting sassed by an old-timey radio now.
CASPAR
Do you want Night breakfast or not?
AVA
You looking like a dummy is the real Night Breakfast.
SFX: ANOTHER CREATURE NOISE FROM THE TREELINE. THIS ONE IS VERY DIFFERENT.
GLORIA
What is that now?
LEIF
That doesn’t sound like our friend.
AVA
A challenger appears.
CASPAR
Something’s coming through the trees.
SFX: SOMETHING CRASHING THROUGH THE TREES AND INTO THE CLEARING.
GLORIA
Oh my God, he’s adorable.
LEIF
Look at that little guy.
CASPAR
Aww.
AVA
Does it look more like a pig or more like a panda?
GLORIA
Look at his little belly.
EFFIE
That does warm the heart, doesn’t it?
ZEBULON
Well he reminds me of my first sow, Pansy. Do you remember Pansy, Honey?
EFFIE
Yes, I remember Pansy, dear.
ZEBULON
You remember Pansy used to do that little dance for me in the morning?
EFFIE
Yes, dear.
ZEBULON
What more proof of the Lord’s countenance does one need when you set eyes on such creatures?
GLORIA
Aw, look at him, he’s rooting around for truffles or something.
AVA
Um. Isn’t this bad?
SFX: THE ROAR OF THE FIRST CREATURE.
GLORIA
Oh, no.
AVA
Yeah, it’s bad.
SFX: THE FIRST CREATURE APPROACHING.
LEIF
Oh man, this is going to suck.
CASPAR
Why isn’t it running?
AVA
Here it comes.
CASPAR
Why are cute things so dumb?!
GLORIA
Oh God, nobody look!
SFX: FOOTSTEPS STOP. SECOND CREATURE MAKING MORE CUTE SOUNDS.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
Why isn’t anything happening? Who’s still looking?
AVA
I’m still looking.
CASPAR
Of course you are.
AVA
So the Murder-Creature is completely ignoring the Pig-Panda.
LEIF
What? What the hell?
AVA
So this is either NOT the bloodthirsty creature that we think it is or it’s just incredibly bad at being a bloodthirsty creature.
ZEBULON
What a curious and fortuitous turn of events.
CASPAR
They’re both just standing there like they’re waiting for a bus or something.
GLORIA
Really glad I didn’t have to hear something get eaten.
LEIF
This puts a snag in our “Planet Straightforward” theory, doesn’t it?
CASPAR
Night Breakfast keeps getting further and further away.
GLORIA
So we’ve been saying that the ugly thing just wants to kill things and it’s now standing right next to a very easy-to-kill thing without any killing happening.
AVA
To sum up.
GLORIA
Well... what the fuck?
LEIF
Right?
GLORIA
What do we do now?
LEIF
Maybe the Pig-Panda tastes bad? Like an evolutionary defense is that it’s just really bad to eat?
AVA
Maybe. Maybe it smells?
LEIF
There we go. A defensive musk.
GLORIA
Wouldn’t we smell that though? If it’s that bad?
LEIF
What if we can’t smell it? What if it can only be smelled by the Murder Thing?
CASPAR
AND WHAT IF THEY GREW UP TOGETHER BY A LAKE AND SWORE A VOW THAT THEY WOULD ALWAYS BE FRIENDS NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENED?!? WHO CARES?!? NIGHT. BREAKFAST. Can we be done now?
GLORIA
(Sighing)
Okay. Fine.
AVA
Fine.
LEIF
Okay.
CASPAR
Excellent. Before Night Breakfast, a quick game of dice in the walk-in.
LEIF
You’re literally the worst gambler in the Multiverse.
CASPAR
That may have been true in the past but NOW, I hope you two are rubbed in spices because I’m about to SMOKE Y’ALL. Here we go!
SFX: CASPAR, LEIF AND AVA PLAYING DICE IN THE WALK-IN
EFFIE
Gloria? You’re lingering, Honey.
GLORIA
Yeah.
ZEBULON
What perturbs you?
GLORIA
I was thinking... One time, when I ran a restaurant, I buried a whole pig in the ground with hot coals for 36 hours and then used it to cater a wedding. It was delicious. And the pig that I used did not look half as delicious as the Pig-Panda outside. And it’s not getting eaten.
EFFIE
You don’t have to explain to a couple of Arkasawyers the importance of a roasted pig, Gloria.
ZEBULON
Ahh. Sweet Pansy.
GLORIA
Whoa, you ATE Pansy.
ZEBULON
Well, I grew up on a pig farm outside of Bald Knob and on a pig farm the pigs are your friends until... until their solemn duty calls.
GLORIA
Yikes.
ZEBULON
Gloria, I’m afraid we have a confession to make.
EFFIE
We can tell you the story of the ravenous creature outside.
GLORIA
You knew this whole time?
EFFIE
The Lord had told us its story.
GLORIA
Why didn’t you say anything?
EFFIE
Well, Caspar was running around in his pissy-pants.
ZEBULON
And we do so enjoy watching his knickers get very tightly twisted.
EFFIE
We had every intention of telling you during Night Breakfast.
GLORIA
Okay. So what’s the story?
ZEBULON
The creature outside is not one of God’s creations. The creature has its own maker.
GLORIA
Someone made that thing?
EFFIE
We know not who. It’s creator has long since passed into the beyond, leaving behind an entire race of creatures such as this.
GLORIA
Why were they made?
ZEBULON
You’d think to create creatures such as this one would have to have a sharpened purpose.
EFFIE
And yet these creatures were only made because they could be made. A flight of fancy.
GLORIA
It doesn’t look happy.
EFFIE
No. It is not. For this terrible creature has an even more terrible curse.
ZEBULON
The reason why our delightful Pig-Panda visitor has not been eaten, is because this creature only craves the flesh of its own kind.
GLORIA
Oh my God. They’re cannibals?
EFFIE
Well, now a cannibal has a choice doesn’t he? This creature can eat nothing else.
GLORIA
It spends its life hunting down its own kind?
EFFIE
Or being hunted, yes.
ZEBULON
To turn your own kind into your enemy. It is truly a sin.
GLORIA
The jawbone I found. It probably smelled it or something, that’s why it was trying to get in.
EFFIE
That’s right, my dear.
GLORIA
What a horrible life it must have.
ZEBULON
It is a life without brotherhood or solidarity. A life of enmity. I would imagine, a life where one prays for an ending, but with no creator to pray to.
GLORIA
This is a type A situation.
EFFIE
It is.
GLORIA
What can we possibly do? It must be in Hell.
EFFIE
You cannot cure this creature’s ailments, Gloria.
ZEBULON
So the question that remains: What can you do?
GLORIA
“In the end, there can be no thing not praising him and deserving of his love.”
EFFIE
Yes.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS TO THE DOOR. DOOR UNLOCKING. DOOR OPENING.
SFX: CREATURE’S FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING. CREATURE’S HEAVY BREATHING.
GLORIA
(Whispering)
Can it maybe understand me?
EFFIE
(Whispering)
We think so.
GLORIA
It’s just a bone. That’s what you smelled. I’m sorry.
SFX: CREATURE GRUNTS.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
Can you... can you sit over there at that booth?
SFX: CREATURE GRUNTS. CREATURE’S FOOTSTEPS WALKING AWAY.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
(Whispering)
Are you sure it’s not going to eat me?
EFFIE
(Whispering)
Yes, Sweetie.
GLORIA
Okay, then.
SFX: COFFEE POURING. SLOW FOOTSTEPS. COFFEE BEING PLACED ON THE TABLE.
GLORIA (CONT’D)
So this is coffee. I know it seems strange but... it’s nice. And it’s warm. And you can hold it in your hands for a while and pretend that the world is not a swirlling mess.
SFX: CREATURE GRUNTS.
CASPAR
Okay, that went poorly for me but isn’t it great that there are dependable things in this world?
AVA
Holy shit.
LEIF
Oh, damn.
CASPAR
What the fuck?
GLORIA
The three of you, shush.
CASPAR
The huge murder beast is having a coffee break.
LEIF
I wanted to mention that earlier, Gloria makes really good coffee.
AVA
It’s true, she does.
GLORIA
Ava. These creatures were made by someone. They run around this planet only eating each other. They can’t eat anything else. How can that change?
AVA
Hm. Assuming they have some way of reproducing, it’s a closed system so it’d be hard to change. They’re basically chasing each other in a never ending circle around the planet.
GLORIA
Zeb and Effie say they’ve been here a very long time.
AVA
Okay, so they’re reproducing somehow, probably asexual.
CASPAR
Are you looking at some poop there, Ava?
AVA
Shut up, I’ll look at poop if I want to look at poop.
LEIF
Y’know, over in the Gilesian system there was this one planet that just had microbes on it until a meteor hit it and now they have, like, five pretty good casinos.
CASPAR
The meteor brought casinos?
AVA
The meteor spurred life to evolve, Bozo. That’s something. A watershed event. An unusual change. Something would have to insert itself into their continuum.
GLORIA
Something like... a good cup of coffee?
AVA
Huh. I mean... sure. Why not?
GLORIA
Zebulon?
ZEBULON
Yes?
GLORIA
Maybe a nice song?
ZEBULON
That’s a wonderful sentiment, Gloria. Something to soothe the savage beast.
SONG: DEEP RIVER BY PAUL ROBESON
GLORIA
This is a good job.
THE END