Chapter 10: Big, Malevolent Thing
SFX: SILENCE IN THE DINER EXCEPT FOR THE PULSATING BIG, MALEVOLENT THING. FROM THE PARKING LOT WE CAN HEAR THE OCCASIONAL ZAP OF AN ARC WELDER.
GLORIA
I had a friend who went crazy one time. Me and my girlfriends we all made a deal that when we graduated from high school, we would get the hell out of Tucson. So we did. We all went to Phoenix, two and a half hours away but it felt like the other side of the world. I got a job at a, ooof, I got a job at a Jack in the Box. That was rough. But it was my new life in a new city, that was nice. Anyway, one friend of mine never made it out. Rosa. She just stayed with her parents, could never really pull the rip chord. She just got stuck. She was always a little weird. So, one day, years later, one of my girlfriends says “Hey, did you hear about Rosa? She moved to Needles?”
I don’t know if you know anything about Needles but it’s a perfect blend of small town and abandoned train yard. One hundred and twenty degrees there in the summer. And there’s little tiny bugs crawling all over everything there. I don’t even know what they are, just these little black dots moving around on the surface of everything, no matter where you go. You ask someone about the bugs and they just say “Oh, yeah, happens sometimes.” That’s it.
One weekend I drove up there to see her. I don’t know why, I just had to know what happened. She didn’t even have an address, she was living out of a camper van. Selling handmade souvenirs on the roadside. She would go into the desert and look for animal skulls, which there was a lot of, because it was 120 degrees and everything was dying. She’d take these sun bleached skulls and lay them out on a Navajo blanket across the street from a truck stop. She kind of made a killing, actually.
We sat there outside her camper van and we drank a bottle of tequila as the sun went down. We were in our twenties at that point but she had been out in that sun so long she looked like she was fifty. Cracks everywhere on her face.
I asked her “Rosa, what happened?!
How’d you end up in fucking Needles selling skulls across from a truck stop?”
“I was stuck, Gloria. I didn’t know what to do. So I thought I’d just do the craziest thing.”
And here I am, lightyears from home, and my shitty stories from Arizona are still relatable.
AVA
I really am sorry.
GLORIA
We’ve been floating here for three days, Ava. You’ve been saying you’re sorry for three days.
AVA
I tried to explain to you why-
GLORIA
Yeah, it’s the “trying” part I have a problem with. You haven’t succeeded yet.
AVA
I told you-
GLORIA
Do you know why you haven’t succeeded? Because you don’t know why you did it.
AVA
Effie told me-
GLORIA
Right, right, you keep saying that, “Effie told me to.” Can you think of a less reliable source of information than Effie and Zebulon? They thought they were sportscasters one time, remember that?
AVA
I know they’re not reliable, that’s why I did it.
GLORIA
What does that mean?
AVA
You don’t care what it means, you just want to be pissed at me.
GLORIA
I do just want to be pissed at you!
AVA
Then I’ll shut up and you can be pissed at me!
GLORIA
Fine!
AVA
... What the hell is Leif making in the parking lot?
GLORIA
I don’t know, him and Caspar have some kind of plan, it’s probably stupid... That’s a significant parking lot for me. You convinced me to stay while we stood in that parking lot. Remember that?
AVA
Yes.
GLORIA
We smoked a cigarette in 14 million BC, you showed me twenty foot tall mushrooms, and said “You should stay.”
AVA
I remember.
GLORIA
Maybe shut up next time.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
CASPAR
Okay, we’re ready, come on.
AVA
Caspar-
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
GLORIA
Well, let’s go see what new bullshit this is.
AVA
Great.
SFX: DOOR CHIME. THE SOUND OF THE BIG, MALEVOLENT, THING GROWS LOUDER.
LEIF
Okay, first of all, don’t judge a book by its cover.
GLORIA
Well what should I judge it by?
LEIF
Your first question is going to be “Is this made from kitchen appliances?” The answers is “No, not entirely.”
GLORIA
Is it a robot?
LEIF
It’s a suit.
GLORIA
A suit for what?
LEIF
Um... you know how sometimes plans evolve and then you look back and think “Whoa, how did we get here?”
GLORIA
Oh God, a suit for what?
CASPAR
We’re shooting Ava into space.
GLORIA
... Well look at that, I didn’t freak out. I’m guess I’m used to things now.
LEIF
I know it sounds crazy-
AVA
Seriously, Caspar?
CASPAR
Seriously.
LEIF
Before we start yelling. There’s an explanation.
AVA
You’re that pissed at me?
CASPAR
I’m extraordinarily pissed at you-
LEIF
There’s an explanation. Ava, we are not condemning you to The Phantom Zone, there’s a reason for this.
AVA
I bet it’s a great one.
LEIF
We’re on the edge of this big, malevolent thing, right? The gravitational pull has got to be massive, but we’re staying still. Also, it’s giving off a repeating radio signal.
AVA
Everything gives off a repeating radio signal.
LEIF
It’s a repeating radio signal that’s spelling out your name in American morse code.
GLORIA
Whoa... so that big thing out there is asking for Ava?
LEIF
And very deliberately not taking us all into it.
AVA
There is no way I’m getting in that thing.
CASPAR
We tested it, it works fine.
AVA
I don’t give a shit, you’re out of your mind.
CASPAR
This is what you wanted, isn’t it?
AVA
To be launched into space in something made from a Cuisinart? No.
CASPAR
Because it’s dangerous?
AVA
Yes.
CASPAR
That’s funny, I don’t remember you consulting us on wether or not we’d like to be put in danger.
AVA
That’s not the same thing.
CASPAR
No, it’s the same thing, I’ve decided it’s the same thing. Isn’t that frustrating, when someone decides something important without asking you?
LEIF
Look, I’d be worried about it too if I didn’t build this rig myself. It’s very safe. I know it looks kind of like a trash monster but it’s got an air recycler, on-board guidance systems, it’s got its own thrusters.
AVA
Thrusters. Made from what?
LEIF
Cooking spray cans, but look, thrust is thrust. The gravity will do most of the work.
AVA
And what’s the plan for getting me back? Or are you all planning to sacrifice me to the great volcano in the sky?
CASPAR
We didn’t have a plan to get out of the supermassive black hole, you weren’t worried then.
AVA
Yes but-
CASPAR
But what? How is this different?
AVA
What’s different is you want me to get in that thing!
GLORIA
Ava. I’m sorry, you’ve got to get in the suit.
AVA
What?!
GLORIA
Are we in this mess because of you? Yes or no?
AVA
Yes.
GLORIA
Then I’m sorry. You break it, you buy it.
AVA
Fuck that. Look, I know everyone’s pissed at me and wants me to suffer somehow but that doesn’t mean you get to turn me into Voyager 2.
Can we please all just stay calm and trust that a solution will come to us? There has to be one less ridiculous than this one.
GLORIA
...
CASPAR
...
LEIF
...
CASPAR
Get her in the suit!
SFX: STRUGGLING AND WRESTLING
AVA
Oh, you motherfuckers! Let me go!
CASPAR
Get her legs!
AVA
Ow!
GLORIA
She’s stronger than she looks!
LEIF
It’s really going to be okay!
CASPAR
Ow! OW! That’s my ear!
AVA
Put me down, goddammit!
CASPAR
Open it!
SFX: SUIT HYDRALICS ACTIVATING.
AVA
I am going to make you fucking! Regret this!
GLORIA
She’s kicking me in the face, guys!
LEIF
We’re ready!
CASPAR
Okay on three. One, two, three!
AVA
Fuck you!
SFX: SUIT QUICKLY CLOSES UP.
LEIF
She’s in!
AVA
(Through the helmet)
I. Am going to rip. Your BALLS OFF!
CASPAR
Oh, don’t threaten me with a good time. You wanted to understand the mysteries of the cosmos, now’s your chance to do it first hand.
AVA
Please tell me you put machine guns on this thing!
CASPAR
Sorry, Doctor, just you, some cans of cooking spray and the great beyond. Exactly how Carl Sagan imagined it. Leif?
LEIF
Hi, Ava.
AVA
You are next on my list of people to kill.
LEIF
Again, it’s going to be fine. It’s a very safe suit.
AVA
Why can’t I move the arms?
LEIF
It’s not fully powered up yet.
AVA
Do I want to know what you’re powering this thing with? Is it Crisco?
LEIF
No. Though now that you mention it vegetable oil is an interesting choice for deep space combustion. Doesn’t have to be pressurized and it’s non-flammable.
AVA
Leif. Am I going to die in this?
LEIF
No, no it’s ready to go, for sure.
AVA
This has hydraulics, Leif. You just whipped up some hydraulics?
LEIF
Sadly the hydraulics came from a dearly departed robot friend of ours.
AVA
You salvaged Boofar?!
LEIF
Hey, don’t get sentimental about it, he would’ve wanted it this way. He loved helping.
AVA
Oh my God. I’m basically in a skin suit right now. You Buffalo Bill-ed me.
LEIF
You won’t have to do anything. Just let the on-board guidance handle the trip, okay?
GLORIA
Ava, I’m sorry. You wrote a check and we kind of have to cash it now.
AVA
Whatever.
CASPAR
Give us a second, guys.
GLORIA
Okay. C’mon Leif.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
AVA
You enjoying this? You feel like you’re getting the last laugh?
CASPAR
I asked you for one thing. For this place to open every day at 6. It’s been three days.
AVA
I had to do something.
CASPAR
You didn’t have to do anything. But now I have to do something. So I’m going to use this hand truck, wheel you to the edge of the parking lot, and jettison you into space. Leif says the suit will take over once you hit zero G.
AVA
I really hope I never see you again.
CASPAR
I know. Goodbye Ava.
SFX: HAND TRUCK CLANGING.
CASPAR (CONT’D) Here we go.
SFX: WHEELS SQUEAKING FASTER AND FASTER.
AVA
Jesus Christ. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, SHIT! Whoa...
SFX: INSIDE OF AVA’S HELMET. SUIT BEGINS BEEPING.
AVA (CONT’D)
Fuck shit fuck shit. Lots of spinning. Okay the suit can take over any time now... any time now.
SFX: SUIT STOPS BEEPING. THRUSTERS FIRING.
AVA (CONT’D)
Okay... okay there we go... okay... okay... Definitely less vomit-inducing... okay... okay... I can’t believe you assholes launched me into SPAAACE!... Goddamn it... Sue me for trying to figure some shit out!... I’m glad to be rid of you!... Honestly the peace and quiet is kind of nice.
LEIF-LET
Hi, I’m Leif-Let. Your on-board guidance computer!
AVA
Motherfucker. Seriously?
LEIF-LET
It looks like you’re trying to navigate in zero-g, would you like some help with that?
AVA
Please tell me you have other voice options.
LEIF-LET
Sorry, bro, I can’t help you with that one. It looks like you’re trying to navigate in zero-g, would you like some help with that?
AVA
Yes, please.
LEIF-LET
Let’s identify your destination.
AVA
Okay. Let’s see what this thing can do. Identify nearby celestial bodies.
LEIF-LET
You are near two celestial bodies. Midnight Burger is approximately eight thousand meters from your location. Would you like to go there?
AVA
Never again. What else?
LEIF-LET
Second celestial body is fifty-six thousand kilometers away. Filename: Big, Malevolent Thing.
AVA
That’s what we’re looking for I guess. Go there.
LEIF-LET
Thruster fuel is insufficient for this destination.
AVA
Just point us in the direction of it and the gravitational pull will do the rest.
LEIF-LET
Destination locked. Firing thrusters.
AVA
Not going to lie, I kind of like this. Getting Captain Janeway vibes.
LEIF-LET
Time to destination: two hours, forty-seven minutes.
AVA
I can’t believe he salvaged Boofar for this.
LEIF-LET
Many of Boofar’s undamaged logic boards are now a part of my processor. If you like, you can call me “Steve”.
AVA
I’m not calling you Steve, that’s a sacred name now!
LEIF-LET
Sure thing, Bro.
AVA
I guess every great scientist has a moment when they’re cast out from society but like, this is over-doing it. How long to our destination again?
LEIF-LET
Two hours, forty-seven minutes.
AVA
Looks like we’ve got some time to kill before whatever this thing is eats me alive.
LEIF-LET
Would you like to enjoy an in-flight movie on your heads-up display?
AVA
Oh, God. What did Lief program for an in-flight movie? Wait let me guess... Barbarella.
LEIF-LET
Today’s in-flight movie is “All About Eve”.
AVA
Shit, Leif you’re not forgiven just because you loaded my favorite movie into this sardine can.
LEIF-LET
Would you like to watch it now?
AVA
Sure, fire it up.
SFX: OPENING MUSIC FOR ALL ABOUT EVE.
AVA (CONT’D)
You know what my favorite line is?
LEIF-LET
You’re favorite line is “Funny business, a woman’s career-”
AVA
No, no, no, you’re just going to fuck it up. It’s like this: “Funny business, a woman’s career. The things you drop on your way up the ladder so you can move faster. You forget you’ll need them again when you get back to being a woman.”
SFX: MUSIC FADES AS AVA SAILS OFF INTO DEEP SPACE. SILENCE AND THEN...
LEIF-LET
Ava? Ava wake up. Ava!
AVA
Oh shit! Fuck! What happened?
LEIF-LET
Sorry about that. Had to make some executive decisions.
AVA
Guidance computers can’t make executive decisions.
LEIF-LET
Well, when I say I’m a guidance computer-
AVA
Never mind. What happened?
LEIF-LET
Estimates of our arrival time at the Big Malevolent Thing were off. In an effort to conserve oxygen, I took advantage of the fact that you had fallen asleep and brought down the solar visor.
AVA
Well raise the damn visor. Where are we?
SFX: VISOR RAISING.
AVA (CONT’D)
What the fuck? We’re back in the diner.
LEIF-LET
Sensors indicate otherwise.
AVA
How so?
LEIF-LET
The atmosphere is 90% ammonia.
AVA
Yikes. Everything’s dusty. That’s not from ammonia, what is that from?
LEIF-LET
Analyzing surroundings... Matter in this area is unstable. Not meant to be interacted with. We’re in a simulation.
AVA
I see. The magic of the theatre.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
AVA (CONT’D)
It’s Caspar.
CASPAR
Hello?
AVA
Okay. Act I: Caspar’s first day.
CASPAR
Hello?
SFX: RADIO STATIC. CASPAR SEARCHES FOR A STATION.
AVA
Oh sure, he can touch the radio... Hey, analyze those frequencies.
LEIF-LET
Scanning... Looks like the radio is cycling through frequencies at a very high rate, like it’s looking for something.
AVA
Like it’s learning.
SFX: RADIO SNAPS TO LIFE.
ZEBULON
My Dear, I was thinking the other day of the story of Jonah.
EFFIE
Must we, Dearest?
ZEBULON
I know that this story is not your most favored story from the good book.
EFFIE
If you have had one too many unfortunate catfishing excursions as I have, you do not find yourself drawn to the story of Jonah.
ZEBULON
Yes, the catfish in the St. Francis do have a tendency to clamp down a bit hard don’t they?
EFFIE
One time a flathead had bit down so hard upon me that I thought he’d never let go. I thought I’d have to spend the rest of my time on this earth with a fish-arm.
AVA
He looks sad, but I’m still mad at him. Hey Caspar: You suck!
LEIF-LET
The simulation does not appear to be interactive.
AVA
I know.
ZEBULON
But while the prospect of being trapped in the belly of a fish for many a day may give one the oogies, we must take care not to discard the story of Jonah. Jonah is there to remind us that The Lord’s paths are infinite, and should you refuse his call, as Jonah did, you have simply sent yourself down yet another of his chosen paths.
LEIF-LET
Increase in Tachyonic particles.
AVA
We’re about to move.
EFFIE
Though it should be noted that refusing the first path sends you down the path with the fish guts in it. So, maybe listen to The Lord’s words the first time?
ZEBULON
Indeed, my love.
SFX: AVA IS SUCKED THROUGH A TUNNEL.
AVA
Whoa! Okay, if they start playing It’s a Small World, I quit.
SFX: SUDDEN STOP.
SONG: ROVIN’ GAMBLER
CASPAR
So what can you tell me about this place, Effie?
EFFIE
I can tell you that it is a great human construct that hangs in the sky and becomes a crossroads for many peoples from distant lands as they make their way across God’s creation.
CASPAR
So, it’s a space station?
EFFIE
Is that not what I just said?
CASPAR
Sure.
SFX: DOOR CHIME.
CASPAR (CONT’D)
Hey, welcome to Midnight Burger, have a seat anywhere.
LEIF
You serving Earth food?
LEIF-LET
Hey! It’s our boy!
CASPAR
Yeah, all Earth food.
LEIF
Cool. You from Earth?
CASPAR
Yeah, you?
LEIF
Yeah. How’d you get out of the system?
CASPAR
Uh... long ass story.
LEIF
Yeah, same here.
CASPAR
Listen, since you’re from Earth, I’ve got to warn you, if you’re not from Earth I’m great at cooking Earth food, but if you’re from Earth my cooking is terrible.
AVA
Look at this Bro-Mance. Which one’s The Winter Soldier?
LEIF-LET
Solid burn.
LEIF
Hey. Are you guys hiring? I’m a cook. I’m on a Truskan Ice Hauler right now and it’s kind of miserable. Truskans are great, but they love singing these like, sea chanties and Truskans don’t have complex breath control so they only sing one note. It’s driving me crazy.
CASPAR
That’s sounds pretty rough.
LEIF
I do like moving around, so being stuck at a space station might not be that great, but it would be nice for my Earth references to not fall on deaf ears, so I’m good staying put for a while.
CASPAR
Uh... How to explain this...
SFX: AVA IS SUCKED THROUGH ANOTHER TUNNEL.
AVA
Hey! I was watching that! I wanted them to do something embarrassing that I could use against them. For science.
SFX: ANOTHER SUDDEN STOP.
SFX: SOUND OF A DISTANT FREEWAY.
AVA (CONT’D)
Is that Gloria’s car?
SFX: CAR DOOR ROLLING DOWN.
AVA (CONT’D)
Oh. Hi, Gloria. You also suck.
SFX: LIGHTER. CIGARETTE DRAG. CELL PHONE RINGS.
GLORIA
Hey, Cesar. How are you holding up?... Oh, you did? Great, I’m glad. How much is it?... It’s that plus 600? Okay, great, that’s good, you guys can live on that right, Inez gets it too? Okay good... Whew, I was worried about you guys... No, I’ll be fine... Cesar, I’ll be fine... I’m not going over this again... It’s a little harder to file for unemployment when you owned the damn place... I don’t know what I’m going to do... I don’t know what I’m going to do Cesar. It was my dream to own that place. It’s all I ever wanted. We were open for six months and then it all gets shut down because of a, what? Because of a bat in China? I don’t even know how to talk about that... Look, I don’t know how long this bullshit is going to last, but when it’s finally over people are going to be like “Cool, let’s get back to normal, let’s do normal shit.” Normal for me is being a waitress who can’t forget the time she had a restaurant for six months. That’s normal for me. I don’t want to get back to normal, Cesar. I’m never going back again. Hug your kids for me, I’ve got a job interview... Yes, I do, I know what I just said, I’m just doing it to get out of town... I honestly don’t even know where I am... It’s called Midnight Diner or something, look go back to your life, hang out with your kids, you’re going to be sick of them in a month.
SFX: AVA IS SUCKED THROUGH ANOTHER TUNNEL.
AVA
This is feeling kind of random. What am I supposed to be learning here? If the next thing I see are Bob Cratchit and his family, I am also quitting then.
SFX: SUDDEN STOP.
SFX: SOUNDS OF A DINNER PARTY.
AVA (CONT’D)
This is my house. This is my house in Ithaca... Oh no, this is my farewell party. Oh, this is bad.
LEIF-LET
Not detecting any new hazards.
AVA
No it’s bad because I got wasted and don’t remember much of it.
SFX: FORK HITTING THE SIDE OF A WINE GLASS.
AVA (CONT’D)
Oh God, that’s me. Oh God, am I making a speech?!
AVA (CONT’D)
(In the past.)
Everyone! Can I get your attention for a moment please? Thank you so much for coming to my farewell party, though I am convinced that sixty to sixty-five percent of you are here to make sure you don’t miss out on any gossip. Sorry to disappoint, but I won’t be doing anything more embarrassing than actually being a professor at this shit-sack of a university.
SFX: LIGHT LAUGHTER.
AVA (CONT’D)
(In the past.)
Today I officially transitioned into emeritus status, the flaming viking boat of academia. I did so under viscous rumors that I have lost my mind, which I shall wear as a badge of honor. I am proud to join the ranks of other nutty professors like Paracelsus, who believed in giants, Tycho Brahe who wore a copper prosthetic nose after losing his real one in a fist fight, and Pythagoras who had an inexplicable fear of beans.
SFX: LIGHT LAUGHTER
AVA (CONT’D)
(In the past.)
You only get one chance to make a parting statement, so here goes. As we struggle to understand the universe, we may need to consider the idea that the universe is struggling to understand us. That our curiosity about the cosmos, may be reciprocated. Do our telescopes pointed skyward pose a question, and are the ebbs and flows of the starways an attempt at an answer. Are the scientist and their subject like two lovers in the dark; stumbling towards each other, hoping to find some skin.
SONG: CUBANAKAN BY LECUONA CUBAN BOYS.
AVA (CONT’D)
(In the past.)
Well, that got a little sexy, didn’t it?
SFX: LIGHT LAUGHTER.
AVA (CONT’D)
That song. Where’s that song coming from?
LEIF-LET
Unclear. Not from this simulation.
AVA
Can you trace it? We need to go towards it.
LEIF-LET
Judging by the tachyonic spike I’m getting, looks like we’re headed there now-
SFX: AVA IS SUCKED THROUGH ANOTHER TUNNEL.
SFX: SOUNDS OF THE PARTY ARE REPLACED BY BIRDS CHIRPING IN A TROPICAL FOREST.
SFX: CIGARETTE LIGHTER. LONG INHALE ON A JOINT.
SFX: DOOR OPENING.
WILLOW
(Still holding it in.)
Hey babe, where’ve you been?
DANIEL
Are you high again?
WILLOW
Am I?
DANIEL
Your lungs are full of smoke and there’s a lit joint in your hand.
WILLOW
(Exhaling.)
Don’t make assumptions.
DANIEL
You really think now is a good time to get high?
WILLOW
We’re both about to torpedo our careers, Honey, how is this not a time to get high?
DANIEL
Valid point.
WILLOW
Where were you?
DANIEL
I was in town.
WILLOW
What’s going on in town?
DANIEL
I went by the hospital.
WILLOW
Danny.
DANIEL
Just to be sure.
WILLOW
A hurricane hits here every eighteen months, all the hospitals have generators. Probably all the houses too.
DANIEL
And I confirmed that because I needed to, okay? It’s not hurricane season, they’re not expecting us to knock their power out.
WILLOW
It’ll just be for a few minutes, they’ll be okay. How many times do we need to go over this?
DANIEL
I know, I know. I’m done.
WILLOW
Come over here. Smoke this joint and get normal with your wife. Come on.
DANIEL
Okay.
WILLOW
I’m going to miss this cheap ass weed when we’re gone, we should enjoy it while we can. Puerto Rico. Who knew?
SFX: SHARP INHALE.
DANIEL
What are we listening to?
WILLOW
This is another wonderful find at the dime store in town.
DANIEL
I hear everyone back home is listening to cassette tapes now.
WILLOW
I don’t buy it. They said that about 8 Tracks, look what happened. Besides, they sound like shit, and as people who listen for a living we should be more discerning, don’t you think?
DANIEL
No offense, but this sounds like shit, too.
WILLOW
This sounds like shit because it’s a 78rpm that’s been to hell and back.
DANIEL
Fine. So let’s talk.
WILLOW
Okay.
DANIEL
We need a plan.
WILLOW
Do we?
DANIEL
And I was thinking. What about California?
WILLOW
What about California?
DANIEL
Lots of work for scientists in California.
WILLOW
Not for scientists like us. They need aerospace nerds not astrophysicists. Besides, they would be defense contracts and how do we feel about defense contracts?
DANIEL
I know. I’m just trying to come up with something.
WILLOW
Something will come up. We’ve got money saved.
DANIEL
We were going to buy a house with that money.
WILLOW
Well now we’re going to do something else with it.
DANIEL
Did you marry me so that I would do all the worrying?
WILLOW
No, I married you because my Mamaw told me to.
DANIEL
What do you think your Mamaw would say about blacking out an entire town for 15 minutes to shoot a radio signal into the sky?
WILLOW
I think she would say “Willow, you can do anything you want and your Papaw and I are still going to love you.” And then she would add, “Unless you become a papist.” Besides, you’re forgetting that she and my Paw did a revival radio show for years without any approval from the FCC or whatever they called it back then.
DANIEL
Alright. We better do this before I come to my senses.
WILLOW
Time’s a wastin’.
DANIEL
I’ll throw the switch and reverse the polarity, you stay at the terminal.
WILLOW
Okay. Should I bar the door to keep the fuzz out?
DANIEL
There isn’t a police officer for miles and we’re the only ones at the observatory today.
WILLOW
I know. That was just one of my fun jokes.
DANIEL
Whee. Okay, I’m reversing polarity and now I am powering up...
WILLOW
Was that it?
DANIEL
That was it.
WILLOW
That didn’t feel like it.
DANIEL
Not to you and me but everything in Arecibo just went dark.
WILLOW
I was expecting some circuits frying or something.
DANIEL
Babe, we’ve got fifteen minutes. Send the signal.
WILLOW
Sorry.
SFX: TYPING ON KEYBOARD.
WILLOW (CONT’D)
Okay... If this doesn’t get their attention I don’t know what will.
SFX: “THE ARICEBO MESSAGE” PLAYS.
DANIEL
Remember the big ceremony we had the first time they sent this signal?
WILLOW
We thought it was so stupid.
DANIEL
I think I called it-
WILLOW
“Jacking off in the general direction of M13”? Yes, you did.
DANIEL
I mean, technically I was right. A byzantine, indecipherable signal sent to a star cluster seven Parsecs away, it’s not science.
WILLOW
“What do we think this is? Dick Tracy’s watch?” That’s you, drunk later that night.
DANIEL
I was so mad. People were excited and I was mad about it.
WILLOW
“Dick Tracy’s watch”, though?
DANIEL
Because he talks into it. I’m sure it sounded really snappy in my head.
WILLOW
And then for the rest of the night you were the Fermi’s Paradox guy.
DANIEL
I was. I know.
WILLOW
Everybody hated you all night. I was so proud.
DANIEL
And now here we are, destroying our careers so we broadcast the signal we made fun of.
WILLOW
I have to say, I’ve been impressed with the way you just jumped into this little scheme of ours. You’re usually the cautious one.
DANIEL
I’m full of surprises.
WILLOW
I’m strongly considering taking our marriage seriously for the first time.
DANIEL
I find that unlikely.
AVA
(Through radio speakers.)
Hello?
DANIEL
The fuck?
AVA
Hello? Your signal is annoying, can you shut it off please?
WILLOW
Did we do all this just to bounce off the fucking ionosphere?
DANIEL
There’s no way we didn’t punch through the ionosphere.
WILLOW
Well, that didn’t sound like a voice from the beyond.
DANIEL
Hang on, I have to hook up a mic.
AVA
Leif-let, what is this signal?
LEIF-LET
I’ve identified the signal. This is known as the Arecibo Message, broadcast from the Arecibo radio telescope in Puerto Rico in 1974.
WILLOW
What is that?
AVA
Why are we hearing it?
LEIF-LET
Not sure, Bro.
AVA
Can you edit your auto-responses to take out the word “Bro” please?
LEIF-LET
Sure thing, Boss.
AVA
Better.
DANIEL
Here we go.
SFX: MICROPHONE CLICKS ON.
DANIEL (CONT’D)
Whoever is receiving this signal, can you identify yourself, please?
AVA
Um... Hi.
DANIEL
We’re currently conducting scientific research and need this frequency clear, please. Can you identify yourself?
AVA
Well, look at Mr. Fancypants conducting scientific research.
DANIEL
Can you identify yourself, please?
AVA
You first.
DANIEL
Jesus. This is the Arecibo observatory in Puerto Rico, we’re sending a test broadcast and you’re on our frequency, can you identify yourself please?
AVA
Arecibo. The radio telescope?
WILLOW
How much time do we have?
DANIEL
Mot much. Ma’am, identify yourself please.
LEIF-LET
Not sure how much time we have, Boss.
AVA
Wait. Arecibo? Arecibo’s been decommissioned, what are you talking about?
DANIEL
This station hasn’t been decommissioned, what are you talking about?
AVA
The whole thing collapsed in 2020, pal, who are you really?
DANIEL
Uh...
WILLOW
In 2020?
AVA
Yes, the whole damn thing fell into the jungle. The cables snapped, something about metal fatigue, I guess.
WILLOW
In 2020?
AVA
Yes. Who am I talking to?
WILLOW
It’s 1976.
AVA
Aw, snails. Really?
WILLOW
Really.
LEIF-LET
Looks like we may be in a temporal rift, Boss.
AVA
Ya think? Who am I talking to right now?
DANIEL
I’m Daniel, I’m here with my wife Willow, we work at the observatory, we’re astronomers. Can you please, for the love of God, identify yourself?
AVA
Oh fine. My name is Dr. Ava Maddox and I’m... what am I?
WILLOW
Shit, it’s her.
AVA
Oh! I’m professor emeritus of theoretical physics at Cornell University, that works. Wait. No I’m not. I will be professor emeritus at Cornell, I guess to you I’m a one year-old with a terrible mother.
DANIEL
Doctor, we’ve been getting your notes, what is your location?
AVA
You’ve been what?
DANIEL
We think they’re your notes, we can’t decipher them. What is your location?
AVA
Wait, wait, wait. My notes?
DANIEL
Are they not notes? Doctor, we need some explanations here.
AVA
You first. Start at the beginning.
DANIEL
It started with the Arecibo Message, you’re familiar?
AVA
This the thing the tinfoil hat people talk about? We sent some sort of message of peace into space?
DANIEL
Yes, directed at M13. After we sent the message we were getting back noise. Or at least everyone else thought it was noise. We thought it had structure. Willow?
WILLOW
It was mostly symbols that I couldn’t recognize but from time to time would be the letters A,V,A. I think.
AVA
That’s me. The symbols, are there a lot of diagonal lines. Lower left to upper right?
WILLOW
Yes.
AVA
Those are my notes. It was sending you my notes.
WILLOW
What was?
AVA
What happened next?
DANIEL
After 367 days the noise went dark, we weren’t getting anything anymore.
AVA
When Gloria accidentally changed the station.
WILLOW
Who is Gloria?
AVA
Okay, so the data was cut off. It wasn’t getting input. It had to start riffing, grabbing any transmission it could so things got chaotic.
DANIEL
Then after 367 days we got something kind of like a ping. It was one burst of just... noise.
AVA
Even Older Leif attaching a device to the radio.
DANIEL
Then nothing again.
WILLOW
So we decided to get creative. We’re using everything we’ve got to send one last broadcast of the message in the hopes that we can reacquire the signal.
AVA
The big, malevolent thing.
DANIEL
And then you showed up.
AVA
Oh shit! Radio telescope!
DANIEL
Excuse me?
AVA
Effie and Zebulon Mucklewain. Do those names mean anything to you?
WILLOW
Those are my grandparents.
AVA
Yes they were, weren’t they?
WILLOW
What the hell?
AVA
Daniel, does Willow tell a lot of stories about her grandparents?
DANIEL
All the time. What’s going on?
AVA
Your grandfather had a pet pig named Pansy.
WILLOW
Goddamn.
DANIEL
How do you know all this?
LEIF-LET
Boss, we’ve got fluctuations.
AVA
Okay. There’s no time. Guys, listen to me. It’s all explained in my notes.
WILLOW
We can’t read your notes.
AVA
They’re written in Groote. It’s a 19th century Dutch shorthand. Google it. Fuck! You can’t. The past sucks! Look it up somehow.
DANIEL
The transformer is going to blow any second now.
AVA
This signal, this Arecibo message, you have to keep broadcasting it.
DANIEL
We can’t, we’re almost out of juice and we’re about to get fired.
AVA
Good. Get fired. People won’t understand what you’re doing anyway. Find a way to broadcast it.
DANIEL
We can’t get this much power or facilities like this.
AVA
No, you’re thinking about it wrong. It’s not about the strength of the signal it’s about the number of iterations in space/time that you’re broadcasting it. Think of it like triangulating a location. The longer you send the signal the more data you’ll get from us and vice versa.
WILLOW
Us?
AVA
Guys, the signal you sent into the sky, it was idiotic.
DANIEL
We agree.
AVA
Something heard it. Something heard it, but it doesn’t understand you. It’s trying to. Goddamn... like two lovers in the dark; stumbling towards each other, hoping for skin. You have to keep broadcasting.
WILLOW
We will.
DANIEL
We will?
LEIF-LET
Boss, here comes another one.
AVA
You’re going to need funding. Nobody’s going to be crazy enough to fund this. Shit. Oh! It’s 1976?
WILLOW
Yes.
AVA
Ha! Take all the money you have and invest in Apple Computers. Trust me, you’ll never have to write a grant again.
DANIEL
What the hell?
AVA
TRUST ME. Willow, I know your grandparents. Kind of. They would want you to have faith. Oh shit. Oh shit, something’s happening. Remember everything I’ve said. Read my notes! Don’t stop the signal!
SFX: AVA IS SUCKED THROUGH ANOTHER TUNNEL.
AVA (CONT’D)
Wooooooooooo-hooooooooooo.
LEIF-LET
Okay, we’re out.
AVA
I FIGURED SOMETHING OUT! FUCK YOU, COSMOS!
LEIF-LET
Boss-
AVA
I may not know what exactly I figured out but I know I figured something out. Because I am NOT crazy. I am Pythagoras, MOTHERFUCKER!
LEIF-LET
Boss, we have problems.
AVA
Oh of COURSE we do! What is it?
LEIF-LET
We are now out of the Big, Malevolent Thing and are currently adrift in space.
AVA
Hm. I guess we didn’t think about sticking the landing did we?
LEIF-LET
I have sensor lock on Midnight Burger, but it’s very far, we have limited thrust, and very little oxygen.
AVA
Shit. What’s the plan?
LEIF-LET
I’m going to have to put you to sleep again, Boss. It’s the only way to conserve oxygen. We put you to sleep, do one last burn toward the diner, and hope for the best.
AVA
What are our chances?
LEIF-LET
Calculating 50/50 at this point.
AVA
Well that’s terrible odds. Did you record everything?
LEIF-LET
Everything’s in the logs.
AVA
I figured something out, Leif-Let.
LEIF-LET
I know you did, boss.
AVA
Okay. Let’s do this.
LEIF-LET
Adjusting oxygen mixture.
AVA
The benefit of this plan is, if I die, Caspar will be miserable for the rest of his life. That piece of shit can’t live without me.
LEIF-LET
Performing final burn.
SFX: THRUSTERS FIRE. AVA SAILS OFF INTO THE DARKNESS. LEIF AND GLORIA’S CONVERSATION SLOWLY FADES IN.
GLORIA
She’s not dead is she?
LEIF
No, it looks like the suit put her in stasis. It’s slowly adjusting the oxygen levels back to normal. It’ll open when it’s ready.
GLORIA
At what point do we break the news to her?
LEIF
Give her a minute, she’s going to be disoriented.
GLORIA
That thing just spit her out and then disappeared.
LEIF
I’m glad for both of those things but I still have no idea what happened.
SFX: HISS OF OXYGEN AND WHIRR OF HYDRAULICS AS THE SUIT OPENS.
AVA
Am I alive? If not, heaven is shitty.
LEIF
You’re alive.
AVA
Get me out of here.
LEIF
Okay one, two, three.
AVA
Ooof.
GLORIA
It’s good to see you, Ava.
AVA
Leif, that suit rules. I might wear it all the time, we may have to widen my booth.
LEIF
I’m just glad you’re all right.
AVA
You guys. I figured it out. I mean kind of. Some of it, anyway. I couldn’t figure it out because... because it’s like trying to recognize if someone’s lying to you when you’re lying to them at the same time. When you’re going too fast on the freeway, and so is everyone else, it’s harder to know that you’re speeding.
GLORIA
Ava-
AVA
Shh. Just let me get this out. I’ve been trying to figure it out, but it’s been trying to figure us out at the same time.
LEIF
What has?
AVA
I don’t know!
GLORIA
The diner?
AVA
No, no, not the diner. Something else. This is where it tries to reach out, where it tries to get to know us. It was right in front of my face. If you want to get to know someone, you find a place that’s safe. Where maybe you can have a cup of coffee and get to know each other. But here’s the problem: what if you’re a human and want to get to know an ant? You don’t know what it’s like to be an ant, you can’t “speak ant” even though you’re hundreds of thousands of times more intelligent than an ant. So what do you do?
GLORIA
Ava, you need to stop-
AVA
You try a lot of things, mostly you stay out of the way and watch. Sometimes you’ll make sure nothing happens to your new friend. And if you get worried that your new friend is alone and afraid... you make it friends.
GLORIA
Effie and Zebulon.
AVA
But you don’t know how to make a friend. You don’t even know what “friend” means. So you reach out for whatever you’ve got. You hear stories told by an astronomer about her grandparents, and how they were people that made her feel safe. And in your ham-fisted way try and make them.
LEIF
So Effie and Zebulon are simulations or something?
AVA
No. Because you’re not an ant, you’re a person, and you’re so smart that you’re an idiot. And without meaning to, you make a person. Two people.
LEIF
An artificial intelligence?
GLORIA
Leif-
AVA
Not artificial. An intelligence. A consciousness. Two of them. And you did it on accident.
GLORIA
Ava listen-
AVA
Are they back yet? Effie? Zebulon?
LEIF
No, not yet.
AVA
They will be. They just went through the ringer like I did, it’s a LOT to process.
GLORIA
AVA.
AVA
What?! Where’s Caspar, I need to punch him in the face and then tell him everything.
GLORIA
Ava. Caspar’s gone.
AVA
... What?
GLORIA
He’s gone, Ava.
AVA
What do you mean he’s gone, we’re floating in space, did he hop on a jet ski?
LEIF
Ava... They took him.
SONG: “JUST A LITTLE TALK WITH JESUS” BY THE HUMBARD FAMILY.
AVA
Took him? Who took him? You guys, who took him?
EFFIE
Ava. Ava, can you hear us?
ZEBULON
We bore witness along with you, Ava. We feel both confused and yet, somehow, a fog has lifted.
EFFIE
We have much to suss out after these revelations but we feel...
ZEBULON
Different, and imbued somehow with meaning.
EFFIE
Much light needs be shed... Ava? Ava, what has transpired?...
End of Season One.