Interlude: Whatever Happened to BertBert? or Interview with the Empire
SFX: RECORDING DEVICE CLICKS ON.
BERTBERT
Okay, this is BertBert, I’ll start this the way I always do. These recordings are not for public release, they are for my personal notes and for my edification only. Which means, if you’re hearing this you are committing some sort of crime or something has happened to me, hopefully the former.
SFX: DOOR SLIDES OPEN.
TED
Hello.
BERTBERT
I’m sorry, who are you?
TED
You requested an interview?
BERTBERT
From someone in the Ted Tube division, I’ve never seen you before.
TED
Well, I’m what you’re getting. Would you like to cancel?
BERTBERT
… No, I appreciate you speaking with me. Whoever you are.
TED
Uh-huh.
BERTBERT
Won’t take long, I promise.
TED
Okay.
BERTBERT
So I guess my first question is, who are you?
TED
I’m afraid that’s classified.
BERTBERT
Seriously? You guys are amazing.
TED
I apologize for the inconvenience. My personal classification is top secret.
BERTBERT
They sent a classified officer to talk to me so that I couldn’t quote anyone.
TED
That’s correct. That reminds me, you’re not recording this are you?
BERTBERT
Of course not.
TED
Great. So you’re not recording and you can’t directly quote me because you don’t know who I am. I feel like this is going to be a very productive interview.
BERTBERT
I feel like this isn’t going to be an interview at all.
TED
This isn’t my division. I had to take two separate shuttles to get here and it’s a massive waste of my time. I decided it should be a massive waste of time for you as well.
BERTBERT
This is ridiculous.
TED
I know, right? All of the information you will get in this interview will be totally useless, but why don’t we do the interview anyway? Just for fun?
BERTBERT
Oh, for fucks sake. Fine. My questions basically center on the Ted Tube system and specifically a few systems that are currently under development.
TED
The Ted Tube system, you’re of course referring to the series of warp gates throughout the system, created by us.
BERTBERT
That’s right.
TED
You got to this interview by taking a Ted Tube is that correct?
BERTBERT
Yes, it was very convenient.
TED
How was the ride?
BERTBERT
Smooth as silk.
TED
Great. It’s an amazing thing isn’t it? Without these warp gates we’d all still be stuck on our home worlds.
BERTBERT
And the Ted Empire wouldn’t control anything, isn’t that right?
TED
I’m sorry?
BERTBERT
That’s something that comes along with the Ted Tubes: the Ted Empire controlling all of the travel in three galaxies?
TED
Somebody’s got to do it.
BERTBERT
Assuming that’s true, that somebody has to do it, CAN anyone do it?
TED
What do you mean?
BERTBERT
The technology is completely owned by the Ted Empire. Other planets can’t develop their own warp gate technology, can they?
TED
They’re certainly welcome to try, but that’s a lot of resources and a lot of research time. Meanwhile our warp gates are here right now. So why bother?
BERTBERT
You wouldn’t feel a bit uncomfortable if a foreign power was controlling your commerce?
TED
I’d feel uncomfortable if it wasn’t The Ted Empire controlling it, but guess what? It is.
BERTBERT
So your stranglehold on the system-
TED
Whoa whoa whoa. Stranglehold?
BERTBERT
Excuse me. Your… complete control of intergalactic travel shouldn’t be alarming because it’s your empire that’s doing it and the Ted Empire is… what? Nice?
TED
We have a shared concern with every planet in the three systems.
BERTBERT
Shared concern, that’s the term your going with?
TED
We are working for every planet in The Triad. We are here to help them achieve their dreams as a people.
BERTBERT
For a hefty price, right?
TED
Well, yes. The Teds expend a lot of resources creating this intergalactic system, it’s only fair that planets should pay their share of the burden.
BERTBERT
Some planets reportedly have to give up two-thirds of their exploitable resources in order to become a member of the Ted Tube network.
TED
That number sounds a little high to me. But look, think of the opportunity it opens you up to when you become a member of this network. You can now trade with any other member planet in the entire system.
BERTBERT
Trade with what? You just gave up two-thirds of your resources.
TED
…
BERTBERT
Let me move on-
TED
What’s your home planet again?
BERTBERT
I’m sorry?
TED
Where are you from?
BERTBERT
Sigius.
TED
Right. Of course. You know we’ve been very tolerant of Sigius and it’s dedication to journalistic integrity, don’t you think?
BERTBERT
Tolerant?
TED
When was the last time someone from your planet had anything nice to say about The Ted Empire?
BERTBERT
I don’t know, when was the last time you did something nice?
TED
You’re very critical of The Teds but your planet is also a member of the Ted Tube Network.
BERTBERT
That’s true. Luckily we could afford it.
TED
And you have made a killing selling your geo-thermal technology to several planets, am I right? The Ted Empire has been vary good for your people.
BERTBERT
You seem to imply that we should somehow be compliant to the Ted Empire.
TED
A little gratitude wouldn’t hurt.
BERTBERT
Why do you need our gratitude when we’ve paid your exorbitant fees?
TED
Can we move on with the questions, please?
BERTBERT
Sure. There’s been some criticism lately of the Ted Tube network.
TED
There’s always been criticism.
BERTBERT
The criticism has gotten pretty loud, wouldn’t you say?
TED
Loud criticism is something we can handle.
BERTBERT
A lot of people travel though your network of warp gates without even knowing how they work, isn’t that right?
TED
“Isn’t that right?” Is a great way to turn a statement into a question, isn’t that right?
BERTBERT
We conducted a poll on our planet and found that 76% of responders don’t know how your gates work.
TED
This information is available to anyone.
BERTBERT
When they’re told that you have to destroy an entire solar system to make one, their opinion of the Ted Tube system drops precipitously-
TED
We don’t destroy a solar system.
BERTBERT
How would you describe it?
TED
What we’re doing is creating a stable wormhole. And that requires a lot of energy. There’s only one place in the universe where we can get energy like this.
BERTBERT
You black out an entire star to make one gate.
TED
No, the star remains intact.
BERTBERT
You build a structure around the star, though. You capture the entire star and black out that entire solar system.
TED
Do you have any idea how many stars there are in the universe? We can lose some stars.
BERTBERT
And what happens to the planetary bodies in this solar system?
TED
Okay, can we just stop for a second and marvel at what the Ted Empire has accomplished here? We completely envelope a star and capture its energy. It’s beyond imagining.
BERTBERT
It was imagined on Earth several years ago and the Earthlings are a primitive race-
TED
Don’t talk to me about Earth, okay? They’re all ideas no execution. Anybody can imagine something.
BERTBERT
You just said it was beyond imagining-
TED
What I’m saying is, why can’t we rally around this? Why can’t we celebrate this idea?
BERTBERT
What happens to the solar systems? You completely cover their star, what happens to the planets in that system?
TED
We take very good care to make sure that any system we mark for development has no sentient life on it.
BERTBERT
Of any kind?
TED
Zero.
BERTBERT
What about simple life forms? Microbial life?
TED
Hey, it’s crowded out there. There’s a lot of life in these three galaxies, I’m pretty sure we can lose a few microbes and fungus.
BERTBERT
We’re losing microbes and fungus and suns all because you decide it’s okay.
TED
As we’ve said before, when a solar system has been flagged for development we do a comprehensive survey of every planet and moon to make sure it doesn’t harbor any sentient life. These aren’t usable solar systems, they can’t be colonized, they’re just sitting out there waiting for us to do something with them.
BERTBERT
Let’s talk about Billius.
TED
Billius is very exciting. It’s a very powerful star, a very rare star.
BERTBERT
And you’re going to destroy it.
TED
Again, we don’t destroy anything.
BERTBERT
So sorry. You’re going to cover it up completely and harness its energy.
TED
Yes.
BERTBERT
I have two separate reports from two separate expeditions saying that there is intelligent life in this system.
TED
We can’t listen to reports from every fly by night expedition putting a skiff together to go play scientist.
BERTBERT
These are very well respected scientists.
TED
We disagree. Our process of surveying for alien life is very thorough and we plan on doing a comprehensive sweep of the system before we begin building.
BERTBERT
Will we be allowed to see the data you collect?
TED
…Sure.
BERTBERT
Sure, okay, thanks for that.
TED
Well, this has been fun-
BERTBERT
What are you building outside of Triangulum?
TED
… I’m sorry?
BERTBERT
On the outer rim of Triangulum you’re building something. It’s not a warp gate, we don’t know what it is. I’ve seen the images, it looks like wind chimes.
TED
…
BERTBERT
…It looks a LOT like wind chimes.
TED
It’s not wind chimes.
BERTBERT
Well I sure hope not because there’s no wind out there.
TED
…
BERTBERT
I hear it’s an experiment with time crystals.
TED
…
BERTBERT
Do you have any idea how dangerous it is to experiment with time crystals?
TED
You’re not here about the Ted Tubes at all, are you?
BERTBERT
Oh, no, I am. But I’m multi-tasking. You see, when will I get another chance to speak with anonymous sources within the Ted Empire? That’s how I’ll be describing you, by the way. “Anonymous sources in the Ted Empire”, I’m sure your bosses will love it.
TED
There are no bosses-
BERTBERT
Right, there are no bosses in the Ted Empire, sure, that’s what you say but in my experience every Empire who says they’re the new world order just turns out to be Genghis Khan with a paint job. Genghis Khan was an Earthling-
TED
Yeah, I know who Genghis Khan was.
BERTBERT
Really? That’s interesting. That’s pretty obscure Earth knowledge, I’d only expect an Earth Expert to know something like that.
TED
… you know, I just don’t understand you people. Do you have any idea how much The Ted Empire has changed things? I guess nobody remembers what it was like before we came along. Three galaxies filled with people looking up at the sky and wondering if anyone was out there. Nobody remembers how lonely all that was. Because the Ted Empire came along and told people they weren’t alone. We told people that if they chipped in and played their part, we could transform this entire corner of the universe. And we did. People were able to travel to new planets, new galaxies, it transformed everything. Now look… now all people can do is complain about us. Now all of a sudden every star and every planet is sacred. Progress requires a little destruction, don’t you get that?
BERTBERT
I think we all get that. I think what we have a problem with, is your definition of progress.
TED
And what is our definition of progress?
BERTBERT
A whole heck of a lot of progress for the Ted Empire. And very little for the rest of us.
TED
Hm… agree to disagree.
SFX: WEAPON POWERING UP.
BERTBERT
… you’re pointing a weapon at me.
TED
Breaking news.
BERTBERT
Killing journalists would be a new low for the Ted Empire.
TED
Don’t worry, it’ll just incapacitate you.
BERTBERT
And what happens after you incapacitate me?
TED
You’ll be part of a new initiative in The Ted Empire.
BERTBERT
And what is that?
TED
Don’t win over the press. BE the press.
SFX: WEAPON FIRING. BODY FALLING.
VOICE
Begin report.
TED
Final effort to neutralize BertBert, the journalist from Sigius, went over like a lead balloon. She’s been incapacitated. By the way, I was right about her knowing about our time crystal experiments, if I hadn’t intercepted her and conducted this interview instead of the usual dum dums you guys foist onto the press she could’ve blown the lid off the whole thing. This was an excellent choice on my part and I’m sure that I will get zero credit for this.
VOICE
Please reduce sarcasm levels.
TED
Anyway. I’m having her transported over to Operation: Murdock. She’ll be a perfect candidate for reconditioning. Let’s make BertBert the new voice of the Ted Empire.
END