Interlude: Ted in Exile
SFX: HUM OF A STARSHIP.
VOICE
Begin Report.
TED
Survey Asset 3649 in the Billius System. We are about to begin scans of Planet 3. Visual scans detect no signs of sentient life so far.
SFX: SCANNER BUZZES.
ENGINEER
So… how do you like the new job?
TED
It’s fine.
ENGINEER
You get used to it. When I first got my assignment I thought it would suck but, I don’t know, I kind of like it. Lot of downtime. I watch a TON of Earth Portal. Do you watch any Earth Portal?
TED
No.
ENGINEER
Yeah, I hear you. I’ll admit it’s pretty stupid stuff but I get addicted. The Hilary Clinton show was hilarious, I was so pissed when they cancelled it. I thought for sure it was going to run for a few more seasons.
TED
Lot of people did.
ENGINEER
What?
TED
Nothing. How many probes do we have left?
ENGINEER
Uh… three. Should be enough to cover this planet, right?
TED
We’ll be fine.
ENGINEER
This assignment’s weird right? They already started building the Ted Tube, they’re going to block out the sun before we’re done making sure nobody lives here.
TED
It’s a very important assignment. This is a high-priority system because of the star.
ENGINEER
What’s the big deal about the star?
TED
It’a different kind of star, it’s incredibly powerful. When we block it out and harness its power we’ll be able to build the biggest warp gate we’ve ever built.
ENGINEER
Then what?
TED
Then… then we’ll have a really big gate. It’s important.
ENGINEER
Okay.
TED
Launch Probe 1.
ENGINEER
Bomb’s away.
SFX: PROBE LAUNCHING.
ENGINEER (CONT'D)
There are different kinds of stars?
TED
Yes. What?
ENGINEER
They all look the same to me.
TED
How long have you been doing this assignment?
ENGINEER
Since I got out of assessment. It’s all I’ve done.
TED
And you never noticed that stars are different?
ENGINEER
No. In my defense you’re not supposed to look right at them. They told you that right? Not to look at them-
TED
They didn’t have to tell me to not look directly at the sun. Everybody knows that.
ENGINEER
I mean… I didn’t get the memo. It was a rough first year, I almost went blind.
TED
No one in your life has ever told you not to stare at the sun?
ENGINEER
Yeah, I guess. I just figured in space it was okay, like it wouldn’t be as bad.
TED
It’s way, way worse.
ENGINEER
Well, yeah, man. I know that now.
TED
Did they tell you to not go outside without a space suit on? You got that memo, right?
ENGINEER
Okay, very funny.
TED
Launch probe 2.
ENGINEER
Bombs away-
TED
Can you not say “bomb’s away” please?
ENGINEER
Yeah… sorry. Launching Probe 2.
SFX: PROBE LAUNCHING.
ENGINEER (CONT'D)
I heard a rumor about you… Want to hear what it was?
TED
No.
ENGINEER
I heard you got reassigned from a top secret mission, is that true?
TED
That’s none of your business.
ENGINEER
C’mon. We’re going to be out here for a while.
TED
If it was a top secret mission, I can’t tell you about it.
ENGINEER
If it was a top secret mission, how did I hear about it?
TED
…
ENGINEER
I heard the whole thing went tits up… Tits up is an Earth term. I heard it a lot in the last season of The Hilary Clinton show-
TED
I know what it means.
ENGINEER
… Look it’s not a big deal, okay? A lot of people get re-assigned here after they screw up their job, there’s no shame in it.
TED
I didn’t screw up my job, okay? And it is a big deal. I was in charge of an entire top secret mission and now I’m in charge of a two man skiff in the middle of nowhere. It’s a big deal.
ENGINEER
I knew it! It’s all good, man-
TED
No it’s not. It is, in fact, all bad. This is a punishment. I’m being punished. This is the crappiest job in the empire that they reserve for failures and here I am.
ENGINEER
Hey, watch it! I’m good at this job.
TED
You spent the first year staring into the sun. Doesn’t that give you an idea of the skill level their looking for?
ENGINEER
Was your top secret job being dick?!
TED
Launch Probe 3!
ENGINEER
Bombs away!
SFX: PROBE LAUNCHING.
TED
I’m sorry.
ENGINEER
I like my job. I was just telling you I like my job.
TED
I know, I’m sorry. I apologize.
ENGINEER
We’re going to be out here for a long time, maybe figure out how to not be an asshole.
TED
I will, okay?
ENGINEER
Do you want to tell me what your top secret project was as a way of apologizing to me?
TED
Keeping it a secret is the only part of it that I didn’t screw up, so no.
ENGINEER
Bummer.
TED
…
ENGINEER
…
TED
Anything good on Earth Portal these days?
ENGINEER
Oh, man, where do I start? I watch everything, right? But I always have that one show that I don’t miss, but they cancelled the Hilary Clinton show so I had to find something else. And then last week I found it: The Elon Musk Show. Hilarious! This one time this guy saved a bunch of kids from drowning and Elon called him a pedophile! Like randomly. For no reason. And everybody was like, “Wow. Look at this guy. So smart.”
TED
Yeah, I know who he is.
ENGINEER
Aha! So you DO watch Earth Portal! I knew it!
TED
I really don’t.
ENGINEER
Oh yeah? Then how do you know Elon Musk? What? Were you an Earth Expert in your last gig?
TED
…
ENGINEER
Oh my God.
TED
I can’t talk about it.
ENGINEER
You were an Earth Expert? Nobody gets that assignment! I thought it was a myth.
TED
It’s not a myth.
ENGINEER
Is it a dream? Do you just watch Earth Portal all day?
TED
Look, I can’t talk about the specifics, okay? But actually when you’re an Earth Expert you’re not allowed to watch Earth Portal.
ENGINEER
Why not?
TED
That’s the policy.
ENGINEER
Is it not real? Elon Musk isn’t actually like that?
TED
No, he definitely is. But we’re not allowed.
ENGINEER
I have SO many questions. Can I ask you questions? I promise I won’t ask about the top secret stuff.
TED
Yeah, sure, go ahead.
ENGINEER
Where do I start? Oh, okay, is it true that there’s a place called Illinois and to be the leader of Illinois you have to commit crimes?
TED
No, that’s not true. It feels true.
ENGINEER
Is it true they used to have slavery, but all the slaves were freed by a giant?
TED
What? No, that’s… He was just really tall.
ENGINEER
What is the deal with that ceremony where they get together wit a bunch of people they hate, eat a bunch of food and then a month later give those same people a bunch of gifts?
TED
That’s two separate holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas.
ENGINEER
It’s not part of the same thing?
TED
No, again, it feels that way but it’s not.
ENGINEER
And how do they make beer out of light?
TED
No, that’s not what it is, it’s not made out of light. It’s just lighter beer.
ENGINEER
Why do they make it lighter?
TED
Because they really like it and they say to themselves, “Hey, if I make this less enjoyable maybe I can drink more of it.”
ENGINEER
Why would they drink more of it if it’s less enjoyable?
TED
Honestly, I studied the planet my whole life and I still don’t understand it.
ENGINEER
It’s so much fun though, man.
TED
Yeah, you do a fun thing long enough it just becomes a job.
ENGINEER
…
TED
…
ENGINEER
Was there anything you liked about it?
TED
Yeah.
ENGINEER
Like what?
TED
In the middle of the planet there’s a huge forest. Massive. Like the ones we used to have on Ted. It makes most of the oxygen in the atmosphere. In the middle of that is the biggest river you’ve ever seen. Three million different species of animals live in that one forest. Twenty-five hundred types of trees. There are trees there that, when they get tall enough, they can make their own clouds. Out of thin air. Some of the trees are so big that an animal can spend its whole life in just one tree.
ENGINEER
That’s sounds amazing.
TED
They’re chopping it all down for fuel. Idiots.
SFX: ALERT.
TED (CONT'D)
What’s that?
ENGINEER
Probe 1 has touched down. It’s sending back audio.
TED
Let’s hear it.
SFX: STRANGE, ALIEN SOUNDS.
ENGINEER
What the hell is that?
TED
Analyze the audio.
ENGINEER
Hang on.
TED
Sounds like giant crickets.
ENGINEER
What’s a cricket?
TED
Never mind.
ENGINEER
Oh shit.
TED
What?
ENGINEER
Analysis says it’s sentient.
TED
No way.
ENGINEER
It’s sentient!
TED
You’ve got to be kidding me.
ENGINEER
Pattern analysis says “reads as complicated language”.
TED
Motherfucker. Are you serious?
ENGINEER
I’m serious!
TED
Well that’s just great. Fantastic!
ENGINEER
It is fantastic!
TED
No it’s not, they’re going to have to abandon this entire system. They can’t black out a system that has sentient life, that’s the first protocol! Jesus, what kind of fucking bad luck do I have?!
ENGINEER
Buddy, you don’t get it do you?
TED
What are you talking about? What’s there to get? I’ve gone from one doomed assignment to another. They’re going to have to shut down this entire project and abandon the system.
ENGINEER
Seriously?
TED
Yes!
ENGINEER
Aw… you’re adorable.
TED
What are you talking about?
ENGINEER
I’m going to shut of this noise and I’m going to teach you something…
TED
What’s happening?
ENGINEER
Friend of mine, let me break this down for you. We spend our lives in these tiny ships surveying systems for alien life. And our home planet always hopes we don’t find it, because if we do, then they can’t build a warp gate. But every once and a while they jump the gun and start making a warp gate before we’re done surveying. And when they jump the gun, we secretly wait for the perfect storm.
TED
What’s the perfect storm?
ENGINEER
The perfect storm is when you find alien life in a system where they’ve already started building.
TED
I don’t understand how that’s the perfect storm, they’re going to have to abandon this system after half the work is already done.
ENGINEER
You really think our home world is going to waste all the resources it’s spent on this system. You said it yourself, this star is special right?
TED
Well then, what are they going to do?
ENGINEER
Listen, all we have to do, is our job. We report the alien life to the home world like we always do. And then… we wait.
TED
We wait for what?
ENGINEER
Reassignment.
TED
They’re going to reassign us?
ENGINEER
Oh, not just a reassignment, my friend. We’re going to get to choose our assignment.
TED
Choose? Nobody get to choose their assignment, that goes against everything.
ENGINEER
I know. But they really need a warp gate in this system and they really need us to keep quiet about whatever we just found on that planet. So they’re going to give us whatever we want. I learned about this on Earth Portal, it’s called “Corruption”.
TED
But they’re going to destroy this solar system, there could be a whole civilization down there.
ENGINEER
Hey, listen, that’s not up to us we’re just doing our job. It’s our job to report any alien life we find. Everything else is up to someone else. That’s the glory of the Ted Empire, man: everything is always someone else’s fault. That’s another thing I learned from Earth Portal, it’s called “Bureaucracy”.
TED
This doesn’t sound right to me at all.
ENGINEER
I know. But let me ask you this: Your last job, the one you screwed up so bad, don’t you want a chance to go back and do it right?
SFX: STRANGE, ALIEN SOUNDS.
ENGINEER (CONT'D)
You seem to be having a moral dilemma over there, Pal. Here’s the thing, there’s no moral dilemma right now. You know why? ‘Cause we’re Teds. Teds are supposed to just shut up and do our jobs. Most of the time that sucks. But every once and a while… perfect storm.
TED
…
ENGINEER
…
VOICE
Begin report.
TED
This is survey asset 3649. Scans of Planet 3 in the Billius sector have confirmed alien life. Please advise on next steps.
ENGINEER
…
TED
…
ENGINEER
How do you feel?
TED
I don’t know.
ENGINEER
Don’t worry about it. You’ll get use to it. I think I’ll ask for an assignment at Earth Portal. Do what you love, y’know? That’s what the Earthlings say.
TED
Sure.
ENGINEER
What about you? Are you going to go back to your old job?
TED
Yeah. Yeah, I think I’ll go back.
SFX: STRANGE, ALIEN SOUNDS.
END